So Michael Wilbon breakzz his season-long silence on the Wizards.

Sure Big Daddy Fame may indeed be a national TV star and fancy himself Black Buddha of the sports pages but he is still a Washington Post columnist and his continued efforts to wash his hands of DC sports teams is SCANDALOUS.

Wizznutzz say, too little, too late Mister HMS Fairweather!!!!!

Salieri rode into our little hamlet on your well dressed back but a well dressed mule is a mule nonetheless. And now you want nothing more than to have K Hein. and B Gord. strip you down and ride you around the room -- not in a gay way of course, but just two young naked men riding another larger sycophantic man yelling “faster faster, Star Jones!” completely secure in their sexuality.

Come NBA All Star weekend, aka BLACK THANKSGIVING expect to see Michael in line at the Ty Chandler After-Party, slipping behind the velvet rope with a Bundaberg and Coke in one hand and a fleece mitten in the other, reporting for duty as Chicago’s official team fluffer. And MDubzz, when you and Luc Longly finally pull up to LBoogie’s understated AllStar gathering of poker and crabs, late into the night, you will be TOO LATE to the party, your lips sweet with the smell of Ma Curry’s Sweet Potato Hash, and sour with the taste of betrayal.

You could have really helped bring the Wiz to the world, you could have sung the Body Arenas, but instead we have to rely on things like THIS to generate buzz.

You wont see it on NBA.com but if you have GWiz’s unlisted number (as we do) you can arrange a “Honeymoon Package” for A LOT less. For only $50, GWiz with accompany you on your honeymoon and impregnate your wife! For another $20, Dave Johnson will sit in the corner in a robe and do play-by-play.

“HAM – SLAM!”

Friday, January 28, 2005  

A NUT HARVEST FOR THE AGES!!!

Squirrels and also ANTs collect seeds for the winter, while the greedy grasshopper thinks only of today and eats and eats and saves none for later.

TEAM GRASSHOPPER
John Williams, Rod Strickland, Scott Skiles, Tracy Murray, Ledell Eackles
Lorenzo Williams (Injured Reserve)

TEAM ANT!

Jeffries: ANT! Ruffin: ANT! Dixon: ANT! Thomas: ANT!
Arenas: ANT! (also Chocolate Chicken! )
Also the Randy Squirrel!

The ANTZ run and gun cuz trhe Wiz dont BLINK. Peter John "PJ" Ramos literally doesnt blink, because of soft Puerto Rican laws on industrial pollution. He pours gatorade in his eyes to stop them from crusting up. (In Puerto Rico the cherry gatorade running down his face was often mistaken as STIGMATA and earned him the nickname:
Peter non Colpevole ("Virgin Pete")

The team is holding strong now that LBoogie has unlaced his dancing shooz.

Juan Dixon is biting ankles with the confidence that comes from a lifetime of being told "No you cant!" and also the confidence of wearing antiseptic trousers as a young growing man.

Constable Hayes has a swollen thumb but a swollen heart as well.

B Haywood is vanishing quicker than a glass of warm scotch at an Unseld family reunion.

Jared Jeffries is playing the clutch D with go go gadget arms

Etan is getting his groove back, even though he is struggling to find his rhythm like a poet who rimes "disheveled skies" with "Nigh comes the bacon man?"

Samaki is Swahili for TINMAN!

Steve Blake is zipping around, engulfed in his signature cloud of filth, like Pigpen in Keds!

Kwame Brown has his foot in a moonboot because of Postwerior Ankle Impingement.
When he was dunked by God in Gorgeous OIl as a baby they held him by the ankle!
This is not the first Posterior Impingement to happen to a Washington baller, but it is the first that didn't involve a frozen pigtail! Holla Randell Jackson! Holla Gaithersburg Special Victims Unit!

And then of course there is Gilbert Arenas, the Original Chippendale. Gilberts passing out dimes! Hes also passes out in bathtubs quicker than Liza Minelli after a Zima breakfast!

And the mainstream media is taking notice. As we said before, Its only a matter of time until espn the magazine runs a probing profile titled: "Whats Eating Gilbert Arenas?"

They say Gilbert was a knucklehead and now hes a team player, but Gilberts still stone cold crazy.
Crazy enough to actually believe the Wizards can win.
Crazy in his twitchy smiles and shy social manner, and he is crazy in his passion for the game and crazy in his unpoplar opinions on rape in the animal kingdom.

WE FLEW TOO HIGH




Click on the image for the L. Boogie / Icarus Wallpaper!

WIZZNUTZZ EXCLUSIVE!!!

Wizznutzz have obtained a excerpt from #1 EDUTAINER Etan Thomas' upcoming book
"More Than an Athlete"

Also check out this Etan poem on WAR.

Oh my Oakleys It really has the words "true warriers"!!!

- - - - - - - - -

KINGDOM COME


I am a King of one, subject to none but
I
and I
My
Eyes pregnant with visages of players to a throne
Pretenders who have shown, their souls turn like a basketball

A revolution.

I am the last left standing, the original prophet
I am so perfect so divine so ethereal so surreal
I cannot be comprehended except by my permission
My mons pubis is braided like Anubis before me
And now nobody can ignore me, score on me
I fill the lane with brains,
Reading futures in the stains
On my game worns.

Now I look upon my culture,
I see ballers, sure I do
Hard corers in Haute Couture, in furs
Enough to make my ancestry – stir

My brothers among me,
Kwame a black walnut tree,
Lorenzo in his Benzo, give Stevie Blake his Vitamin D
Gheorghe, the Great White Way,
My endocrine Giant is dying on the parquet

My soldier in hardwood war, Haywood
I ask: "What sound is made from the clapping of one small hand?"
A heart bigger that the prostate gland
of Abe
Honest, Master Pollin, an ego so kingly swollen, let me go,
Because the Foggy Bottom Metro is still an underground railroad


A time now of No kings,
No bling bling, a dawn for champions
Rings.

Upon a time I was the first born here
In a time when King Hidi had
a taste for rookie cockery and chocolate fleece,
he held the locker room lease. Then in day
to Phoenix, his reign nixed,
I showered for the first time in peace.

And then the King of Kings came to town
Riding on devils pacts, the backs of mules.
He brought his airs,
his nostalgic cloths, he filled arenas with the moths
Of decay
With a lady of white at his side
Knaefel,
comma, K.

Now they gave Mike a motor bike. "Ride away ride away"
But no ride can hold old men's pride
So with a wince, The Frog fired the Prince.

It was once wrote that
Of this traveler from an antique land
Two vast and balky legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Grand, half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,

"My name is Michael, King of Kings:
Look upon my works, ye Faggots, and despair!"

Nothing beside remains.
Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

But the devil, the King, he is not a man.
Rather,
Its an association
That cuts the checks,
So I kneel and look this devil in the eye.

And say:
I will honor my ancestors, for I am the hiphop poet,
the last poet,
And there will be
Another last poet
After me

And as I drop my knowledge, my backpack rap
At a Republic Gardens slam, it is your soft white daughters
who swallow it all
At what price?
A two drink minimum and I think:

Now who are you calling slave?

Who is King
And who the Knave?

The wizznutzz have been away for a while but know we are back!

We were away for a couple of reasons.

One NEW MANAGEMENT AT THE CIRCUIT CITY meant we have not had access to games on NBA Kwame Pass.

Also, we looked into the eyes of Phil Chenier and awoke a week later with piles of mulch in the office. (Its Not the first time!)

And mostly, like Tony ("Jah would never give the power to a baldhead") Kornehiser says today in the Post : The wizards are like Purple Crocuses: winning is taking some time to get used to!!!
Just like Kwame Brown was hypnotized in the locker room by the slow sensual marvels of his body shifting and rising before it finally settled into the beathtaking unchaste landscape we see before us now.


The wizards are suddenly hotter that Leslie Shepphard in a wave pool!!!

And now the national media is all over the wizards quicker than a cancer-sniffing dog sidling up to Abe Pollin!

The wizards are shooting first and asking questions later and that question is "Whos Next?" and sometimes"Samaki can you pass me the biscuits?"

They are Truly living the slogan PURE ENERGY!!

This is not the first time the Washington bullets and wizards have had slogans that were SO TRU, like look at some from the past:

1996: “Balls In Motion!”
1992:”Blacks and Snacks!”
2002: “A Young Man in Shorts!”
1988: “Pungent Dreams!”
2000: “Out of our brief year slips May, and Winter lingers, and Summer flies; and sorrow abides, and pleasure dies; and the days are short, and the nights are long, and little is right, and much is wrong!”


INCITES:
Incite #1:
LBoogie could filch the hair of your head! Now the hole world knows what we always knew, that LBoogie has game, and it’s a deadpan game!

Incite #2:
The wizards are also winning off the court! Which makes life very hard for the wizznutzz because we are storytellers BUT But as long as we have Michael CROOKSHANKS Ruffin and GWIZ and Gilbert Arenas aka THE CHOCOLATE FREDDO there is always promise for the wizznutzz.






Wizznutzz reveal:

Gilbert Arenas has ASPERGERS game! and aspergers syndrome.

He is divinely inappropriate in his play as he is in his peculiar, stiff gaze and emotional chaos.

Further evidence of Gilberts Aspergers revealed in his coin tossing, insomniac practice habits and also in his special interests in geographical jigsaw puzzles, taking apart doorknobs, attempting to compose handwritten characters out of many very small dots just like printers, ant farms and also carbon paper and magic tricks and opening and closing elevator doors and elevator shafts and more.

Awesome mp3 of 2 men with aspergers inappropriately thinking dog violence is funny!?!?

INCITE #3:
SO I was googling then words "Iverson + Ashy + Penis" the othe rday and LO AND BEHOLD!
DANA!!!!!!!
We forgive and miss you dana!

Hopefully Dana will come back to us soon and she can share with us all some of HER Wizards groupies experiences like how she told me once that Ledell Eakles' testicles are like "One big damn sack of softened Pruno Oranges."


Tonite Etan is getting activated!!!!!
COnme back tomorrow for some slammin Etan poetry!!!

Tuesday, December 28, 2004  

While Wizznutzz are recovering from technical difficulties and Rasheeds Christmas PRUNO, God Shammgods Mixtape has a Clazzic gatorade blooper that reveals the vacant echoes of envy pealing inside Michael SALIERI Jordan's egoBRAIN! CHeck it Out!

Monday, December 20, 2004



As a part of my internship program with Wizznutzz, I am required to submit related articles to local publications. Recently, using the nom de plume "Linton Weeks," I have written a series of profiles which probe beneath the surface of the modern philosopher-kings, revealing the roiling tub of heaving, stench-ridden toothworms within.
I am proud to announce that Saturday's edition of the Post of Washington prominently features my first published work, an unforgettable word-portrait of our great furrow-browed leader, E. Montgomery Jordan. Of course, the ink-stained scoundrels at the local rag slashed my writing mercilessly, in a mad quest to find more space for advertisements for ladies' panty-garments. And so here, as a Wizznutzz exclusive, I present a small excerpt of the unedited text of my essay,

"Melancholy Antonym: Coach Jordan Returns Home Again."

. . . . . . . . 

THE DREAM

In the dream, he's with his mother. He tells her that he has come back home to Washington to coach the city's professional basketball team. She smiles at him as if he's a little child with his pants around his ankles, emasculated by the feminine serpentine.
Yes, yes, Eddie, she says,
that's great. Now eat your spaetzel and do your homework.

When he wakes in the morning, in the here and now, he's not living with his mother in Southeast Washington anymore; he's got a mansion in Potomac. He's not riding his bike all over Anacostia, adrift in a sea of aimless profundity beneath an amethyst sky; he's driving a big white SUV, a sybaritic imbiber of the sublime erotic, absinthe dripping from every nostril. And no longer is he a pubescent castrato of the dark nightworld; a half a century of ungloried labor has robbed him of that innocence.

Speravit infestis! In one of those rare instances where reality outstrips the moist mists of the dreamworld, Eddie Jordan is indeed the head coach of the Washington Wizards.
. . . . . . . . 

August Strindberg, Special to the WizzNutzz

(My game is)
Outrageous, so contagious, make you crave it
(My mama made it)
So retarded, top-charted
Ever since the day I started
Strut my stuff and yes I flaunt it
THREEPIES make the girls jump on it
No, I can't control myself
Now let me do my 1, 2 step


Shoot it, don't pass it
Everybody get off the court
And don't travel
Wes about to get it on
Let me see ya
1, 2 step
I love it when ya
1, 2 step
Everybody
1, 2 step
Wes about to get it on


Yo...we won. I ain't clowning neither. I ain't mess with nothing that serious. We won. No lie. PAGE 4 REPORTS THAT THE HORNETS MOTHERLOVIN WON. We beat the Coney Island Warrrrrrrrrriiiiiioooooorrrrrrrsssssss behind David DW Scoop Wesley's 18 points 6 dimes 3 thieveries. And here's the crazy part y'all...absolutely NO THREEPIES> That's right, I knew what it was gonna take to get my squad the W because I'm a TRUWARIER. I needed to get my soldiers involved so they wouldn't be sad anymore and just skip the post after showering and head home to their wives leaving me to play Live '05 in the locker room by myself like they been doing (PS2 set to "Pro" VERY VERY difficult to beat), and even though DW possesses the power to rain THREEPIES on all defenders at all times, I dimed it out while still adding my 18. Matt Freiji even had 8 points, and we just pulled him from the stands during the shootaround because Alex Garcia went down! But on the real I gotta holler at my new main man Dan Dickau FOR REAL. I was sorry to see that little crackhead Stretch Armstrong go, but this dude is coming up large for us down in the Bayou. He's become one of the Hot Boys, and we even gave him a nickname: Dick Oww. Hahaha LOL get it??!?!? His name is spelled like Dickau but you say it like Dick Oww like someone kicked him in the nutsies or something lol. By the way, you seen this dude's wife?



She becomes a dancer for whichever team he plays for and for real let's just say that I take back everything I said about our Dance squad last week because I NEED to get in their good graces so they'll go back to inviting me to their Saturday afternoon knitting circle even though my Double Front Cross skills are WEAK. But my Raised Purl is mighty like THREEPIES. DAN THE MAN PAGE 4 LOVES YOU! Let Scoop come by the crib for macchiato and pie, dog! But first, we hear:

ITEM! PAGE 4 has exclusive insider info from the place where we lay our dough also known as NEW ORLEANS for those who ain't down with the Hornerts or as I like to say THE BAYOU. Times have gotten so rough for my squad that we can't even find someone who wants to have their name on our arena! Yo, haven't they heard we WON? I better not let the boys hear about this. Last time they got news this depressing (AKA the time I murdered Bobby Phills) P.J. Brown had to wear Depends for four months. The dude COULD NOT gather the strength to pull his draws down! It took 5 consecutive lap dances at the Gold Club (on DW's black AMEX, of course) when were in town playing the Hawks for that dude to get the spark back that we all know and love. Oh man but then he felt all guilty and the whole flight back he was stealing the flight attendents' bags of peanuts to give to his wife because he was too cheap to by some flowers. LOW NRG, PJ, stay classy big boy. For real, even I'M starting to think they should just combine us with the Bobcats and let us split the home games between New Orleans and Charlotte, and that's coming from team leader and TRUWARIER!

ITEM! Reacting to San Antonio's announcement that they would retire Sean Elliot's jersey, old school legend Bernard King phoned PAGE 4 while I was at my favorite Charlotte area Shoney's (the one on Grand St. at Malvern) before the loss to the Bobcats. Damn I miss that Shoneys, they do this thing with the chocolate shakes there where they put in a swirl of vanilla and then some rainbow jimmies on top and it's SO GOOD. Me and Tractor Traylor used to get like 3 of them each and then we'd get so full that we'd throw up while doing line drills at practice it was so funny but Old Man Silas used to get sooooooooooooooo mad lol. Anyway, in his EXCLUSIVE PAGE 4 INTERVIEW The King had this to say: "Yo they trying to jive me. DW. Let me see if I got this straight. Some cat gets his kidney swapped, he plays a couple games, he retires because he ain't no thang, and then they give him a parade and put his number in the rafters? Playboy I'm a LEGEND on the streets, I blew out my knee worse than Jordan's mule after a lifetime'a whuppin', came back and was an ALL-STAR, gammin' it up all over the hardwood and what's that got me? Four palimony settlements and a cripple limp! I busted my conk out there, buddy gee, and the Knicks ain't done give me scrimp!" Sources tell PAGE 4 New York should probably retire Bernard King's number before his cashes his welfare check and cops that .38!

ITEM! Vince Carter became the only player in the history of the Association to demand a trade to the Nets! It's true! Sources tell PAGE 4 that Carter become obsessed with skinny white people with messy hair, and he started listening to music only on an iPod (guys in the league usually go with the Rocbox instead) and making comments like "Dunking is so over." Things got even more confusing when Carter posted his Top 10 Records of 2004 list on the bulletin board that guys usually put those motivational quotes on, with something called Arcade Fire at #1 and the comment "They're in Canada too, Skip [Raptors PG Rafer "Skip to My Lou" Alston], haven't you heard?" He then called up Toronto GM Rob Babcock and demanded the trade to New Jersey explaining that "they're moving to Brooklyn soon" and that he wants "to be as close to Enid's as possible." Whatever that is! Vince, you a strange dude, but PAGE 4 hollers at you, man!

Alright y'all, that's it for this week. Sorry, but DW is short on time because I gotta go pick up Karl Malone cuz we're gonna cruise some taco stands. It used to be a weekly thing between him and Kobe but for some reason Kobe doesn't want to do it no more.
And don't forget that SNITCHES GET A HOLE IN THEIR HEAD so Scoop ain't saying NOTHING!

Only in the association, kids, only in the association...

Posted by Wizznutzz gossip columnist David "DW" "Scoop" Wesley

I slang cuz I'm Wes-ley
I bang cuz I'm Wes-ley
All in the club spitting game cuz I'm Wes-ley
I bling cuz I'm Wes-ley
I serve feigns cuz I'm Wes-ley
Fuck a throwback I look clean cuz I'm Wes-ley


Another rough week for DW, but like I said last time around, the more losses we get the more Lord Bryon gets frustrated, the more frustrated Lord Byron gets the more practices he cuts short. Fewer practices = more two-waying for gossip item collection = HIGH NRG superior PAGE 4 turnout!
Hornets still have 1 win but I don't give a WHAT! No BVD, no Jamaal Magloire Vowel Slayer, what do you expect? The rest of the season I'm just like Chingy, man cuz I GOTTA GET MINE (Dropped 18 on T-Mac WHAT). How am I supposed to play with dudes like Corsley Edwards and Junior Harrington if I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO THEY ARE. I don't even know if those dudes are black. They sound like some IV League clowns or something. Ima call up Big Bossman Bristow and find out. But first, we hear:

ITEM! Sources DEEP inside MSG tell PAGE 4 that the Knicks are PISSED that the D the I the D the D the Y designed the Mavs some new jerseys without coming to the Knicks first, with him supposed to be all repping for the NYC and all 'at. But it turns out Sean John is close with Mavs owner Mark Cuban (who ALSO writes stuff on the internets just like your boy DW) and Cuban wanted a replacement for those ugly ass tinfoil uni's they had last year that made them look like those baked potatoes that PJ Brown stuffs in his cargo shorts when we're at Ruth's Chris on the road because he's SO DAMN CHEAP that he eats the things for breakfast the next day so he doesn't have to pay for griddle cakes at Mickey D's like the rest of us. P.J. what is WRONG with you, man? YOU GOT THAT PAPER, ya heard so just chill, aight? That dude's straight tarded!

NEWS ANALYSIS! Yo, on the real, Puff's jerseys look clean. Man, can y'all keep a secret or what? Playing for the Hornets sucks. It sucks worse than Tyra Banks after one too many Cosmos if you believe C-Webb...or if you believe Peja but don't tell C-Webb he'd be SOOOOOOOOOOO pissed LOL. Sources tell PAGE 4 that C-Webb wonders aloud where the hairs in Tyra's shower came from!!! It sucks worse than those days back on the Falls when I had no money, no groupies, no Bentley, and no ghost of Bobby Phills using up all the hot water in my damn shower (R.I.P. PHILLY BOB)!!!!
Yo for real, The Knicks got Spike Lee sitting courtside, the Lakers got that old white dude with the big ding-a-ling who takes you out after the game and dishes rocks like Steve Nash with a habit, and the Kings are owned by a coupla clowns who OWN VEGAS CASINOS and hand out $100,000 markers to their dudes like they were Santa in an orphanage with a sack full of teddy bears and a heart heavy with egg nogg!
What do the Hornets got? One win, a move to the Western Conference, a Mashman curse, some spicy-as-hell food, a captain who don't want to play for us and cheerleaders who think giving brain means donating Q-Tips. If I wasn't leading the squad in POINTS, DIMES AND THIEVERY I'd get out this mu'fuh but I'm a TRUWARIER and will "Soldier" on cuz that's what Beyonce wants!!!
DW ALWAYS HIGH NRG! NO MORE TEARS~

ITEM! Sources tell PAGE 4 that SNITCHES GET A HOLE IN THEIR HEAD. This is especially bad for us since we're really into this whole second career with the gossip thing (Yo BIG UP to Wizznutzz front office fo sho). The knees are giving out and the THREEPEES ain't falling like they used to and as that wildass clown Spree once said how else can I feed my family? Yes, Spree feels our pain and has been known to make his feelings known in teary cell phone calls to PAGE 4 while on the bus between particulary vicious wedgy sessions with Wally Szerbizak and the #1 Stunna as reported in last week's PAGE 4!!!!!
The first two issues of PAGE 4 have had items of Denver's fluffiest Melo Nougat, but the front office just sent down a memo that we can't talk about that dude NO MORE. He might put some money on my MOTHER [EXPLETIVE] BRAIN!!!!!! NOT COOL, Carmelo!!! LOW NRG!!!!
Sources tell PAGE 4 that Larry Brown should stay away from B-more LOL!! What ever happened to Olympic spirit and goodwill?!?!!? I think it disappeared once those Greeks figured out that Alexander was a battyboy! Looks like I need to get those Youngest Guns to protect me with their arsenal of 85-step high-fives!

NO MORE CARMELO ANTHONY ITEMS FROM YOUR BOY SCOOP I DO NOT WANT A HOLE IN MY HEAD I GOT KIDS TO FEED.

ITEM! Word got out to some other column that STOLE OUR NAME that Carmelo Anthony loves stupid-as-hell cartoon monkey heads!!!!!! Call that boy Paul Frank and while you're at it holler at Josie Wales and then hit up Peter "Sears-Mart" Parker's suite and cop summadat Moet from the ice bucket because he only drinks Midori sours anyway!!!! And what's up with Little Boy Boykins wanting to stay on another floor? Last time one of our guys tried to pull that the authorities needed DNA samples from George Lynch AND Rodney Rogers!!
Bet they never taught you about THAT at Texas Christian, Lee Nailon!!! lol

NEWS ANALYSIS! It's always funny when stuff like this gets out because we all do it. Here's some INSIDE SCOOP F.or Y.our E.yes O.nly: On the road Sam Cassell AKAs as Lucille Balls (he can wrap his dingaling around his leg EXCLUSIVE TO PAGE 4!)! Shawn Kemp uses George Jung! Dirk Nowitzki thinks Dirk Diggler is too obvious so he uses Heinrich Himmer (I don't understand it but I report it anyway LOL!)! Gilbert Arenas goes by Chico DeBarge (WIZZ TORCHBEARER!!)! Kobe is tired of getting harassed so he goes by Michael Redd!
David Wesley can be found under�WAIT WAIT WAIT you don't think I'ma tell you do you? They call me SCOOP but I ain't scooping MYSELF!! Okay okay I'll tell you ... Bobby Phills!

BLIND ITEM! Which dissed-on-wax baller was so pissed by a recent EXCLUSIVE to PAGE 4 report that he snapped on teammates and then dug up the body of Big Baby Jesus and pasted a cut-out of Karl Malone's face over Ol' Dity Bastard's because he's a fan of visual metaphors that leave little to the imagination? Kobe Bryant!

ITEM! Tru Warier, Pimpleface Haymaker, Facecrack Jackson and two scrubs are getting locked up! I thought I told you that SNITCHES GET A HOLE IN THEIR HEAD. PAGE 4 POURS ONE OUT for our homiez...They rep Indy but I ain't madatcha. But still, YOU SUCKAS GOT SERVED! Don't worry about DW getting into that kind of mess, us Baylor Bears handle out bizness right....we ditch your decomposing body in an abandoned quarry!!!!

Only in the association kids, only in the association...

Posted by Wizznutzz gossip columnist David "Scoop" Wesley aka DW

Like Jesus, KWAME BROWN SUSPENDED!
(except not from a cross)

Wizards say the matter being handled "INTERNALLY"
The same way Kwame Brown handled the abuse of Michael "SALIERI" Jordan internally????!!!
The venom of envy goes deep in the blood. Kwame continues to suffer CLASSIC symptoms of abuse:
Shame, eating disorders, bad skin, relationship and intimacy difficulties, time loss and now DETACHMENT.
Detahcment is part of the NARCISSUS PSYCHE-CYCLE, to be sure: the ability to leave ones own body is what makes one able to fall more in love woth oneself, for Kwame to admire the changes his body is making, from boy to man in obvious and gripping ways.
but now detachment from the social organism, THE "HUDDLE"??!!!

WIZZNUTZZ SCOOP:
Wizznutzz uses in the huddle sources and found out the REAL reason kwame brown was suspended!!!
Its because He refused to change his shoes, after writing his feelings on them in Sharpie (of course same Sharpie(tm) COACH Jordan uses to applie his Bangs with).



We analised the images and present you with the transcript of the VERY words Kwame wrote on his protest boot.

your hissing, choked-up taunts
dissonate as sharp fork
tines on spent china
all my ventricles are speared
left dangling
from a metal tree
for cruel breezes
to examine clinically
whispering to the world
their expertise
wheezing sound judgements
which drop like jailers' keys
on clanging ground.


Release his soul, jailer JUMPMAN!!
MORE ON Kwame as he develops!!!!

Eastern Conference player of the week Gilbert Arneas aka Chockity Choko the Chocolate Chicken has the Wizards in NUMBER ONE PLACE in the east!
NUMBER ONE!!!!
The sky is falling! Holy Ducky Daddles!
Break out The Duckwagon, there is room for everybody on board!!!

[The WIZZNUTZZ.com Kevin Duckworth DUCKWAGON celebrity Custom Van!! Edutainment and charity Express!!! Here the van is unveiled at our second charity benefit at Wheaton Plaza, with many good hearted celebs in attendance, and former and current ballerz!! Pictured HERE: awesome Fred "RERUN" Berry and a writer Christopher Hitchens Washington City Paper hails the event as "unusual and heartfelt."!! We use the van for pit stops and giving back!]

The Washingtion Wizards havent started this hot since 1974!!! 30 years is a long time for all of us. So The Wizznutzz rewind to take you back to 1974 to take a look at what things were like back then.

A segment we like to call : Throwbackzzz!!!

*In 1974 the Bullets started 11-4 and went on to win a franchise record 60 gamez!
The team was lead by Elvin Hayes "The Big E" and Wes "Wes" Unsled and comcast "personality" Phil Chenier!!!
Phil CHenier was only 24! But had the soul of a much older man! He helped pace the team with 22 pts a game!
His teammates named him "Black Widow" cause he could finish so well. His wife named him "The Void" because he had zero charisma and his stare was empty.

*In 1974 The Bullets drafted Len Elmore, Truck Robinson, and Dennis "SWEET D" DuVal.
Dennis DuVal is in the Syracuse hall of Fame now. And he went on to become the Syracuse Chief of Police!


Hmmm.....I wonder which current Wizard will one day become an important member of the law-enforement community???
Why its Exeter's Constable Jarvis Hayes of course!

"Hon'st Constable Hayes, we wernt doin' nothin'. Were not the rustlers your looking for. We carry this corn feed in our pockets on account we get hungry cus we's rory scamps is all. We aint got our mincers on no trouble., honest."

*In 1974 Rod Strickland and Chjico DeBarge's StepDads performed a "powershake," a black-power symbol of loyalty. That bond continues today!



*In 1974, J Geils Band leader Peter Wolf Marries actress Faye Dunnaway.
A teenaged Jeff Ruland feels betrayed, and burns his J Geils denim jacket.



*In 1974 author Studs Turkel realeases Working.
10 year old charles Oakley goes to visit his Dad in jail. A jittery little white con with a lazy eye asks him: "Hey are you Studs' boy?"

*In 1974 Michael Jordan's parents save up all year and for his 11th birthday buy him the mule he was begging for.
Shes called "Red Molly," measures 12 hands and despite crooked hocks has "excellent breeding manners."
Young Michael spends the next 2 weeks breaking the mule. From sunup to sundown he breaks the mule. When the mule eventually stops moving and just sits there listless and stares at him with loyal fear, Michael loses interest. Each morning Michael's father tells his son "feed your mule boy." But Michael just tells his mule that no one eats for free. "Youre a faggot, mule," he says. Red Molly expires on lawn soon after.



*In 1974 The Cleveland Indians host "Ten Cent Beer Night", but have to forfeit the game to the Texas Rangers due to drunken and unruly fans.
During offseason, a recently divorced Gar Heard hosts 37 consecutive personal 10 cent beer nights in the basement of his Buffalo rental house.!!

*In 1974 India test a nuclear weapon called "Smiling Buddha."
That same year Charles Oakley's Dad is released from jail. At his welcome home party, Oakley Sr tests "Smiling Buddha" PCP; claws at his face, shoots mailbox, paces on the lawn for a week.

*In 1974 Patricia Hearst, the 19 year old granddaughter of publisher William Randolph Hearst, is kidnapped by the Symbionese Liberation Army.
In 1974 Romania's crops fail during a tough winter. They blame in on farmer Muresan's "goblin" baby. Fearing for his sons life, farmer Muresan sells his son Gheorghe to a Jewish businessman in America.

*In 1974 the children's special "Free to Be You and Me" first airs on American television, produced by comedic actress Marlo Thomas. Football great Rosie Grier contributes a song "Its All Right to Cry."
Doug Collins is moved and sees it as a good way to teach his young son an important lesson in life: "Son, Rosie Grier is an embarrassing sissy."

*In 1974 Dungeons and Dragons is officially released.
A young Scott Skiles is invited to his first D&D game by his friend's older brother Geoff. Geoff helps Scott create his first character: "Woodhorn LeatherTrunks" a Level 4 Dwarf with high dexterity.
A few months later Scott stops playing with Geoff after he plays D&D with some school friends, and discovers that Dungeons and Dragons is actually a game with dice, and dragons and treasures and exploring magical realms, and not about the kind of uncomfortable role-playing he had been doing in Geoffs sleeping bag.

*In 1974 Aboriginal tennis player Evonne Goolagong wins the Australian Open.
Charles Oakleys father gets Chalres his very first prostitute. Her name:... ALSO Evonne Goolagong!

WIZZNUTZZ having technical problems! Never give up. Try again tomorrow for new incites because....
The Road to NBA PLAYOFFS goes through WASHINGTON!!!! wIzards #1#1#1#1!!!!

Meanwhile check out the Ghorege Muresan HEADS over at "wizznutzz "CLASSIC".. CLASSIC!

They call me Big Wesley, Big Silly
Big Money, Big Thrilly
When I'm sliding in them all can ya hear me?
Bringin heat to the Bayou so ya feel me
Let me put it up for cuz in the back
Let me grip it, take it hard to rack
I'm a tell ya how to cause an attack
D-Dub, gossip champ, true mack!

What time is it? GAME TIME. What time is it? GAME TIME. What time is it GAME TIME. What times it? GOSSIP TIME Yo yo yo it's your man DW back with PAGE 4 Part 2! But first, I just gotta say times been rough, man. FO' REAL. The first time I wrote PAGE 4 I was all psyched because we just got that W against Utah (in the Association we calls wins "Ws" for short it's like one of those things that doesn't really makes sense to people not on the inside of the game) Now it's a week later and my squad's STILL got one win, and we lost to Denver when they didn�t even have 'Melo Nougat. Times is rough fo sho, but it's all good, and you know why? More failure means more time to holla at y'all on PAGE 4! And I know that my hard work is getting out there too. Wizznutzz crew just told me that like 40,000 headz checked my $hi+ out over Giveygive. They told me it's because some battyboy who's famous on the internets spread the word or something, but I know all y'all love the DW and I just want to big up all my true souljaz down in the Bayou and back through the TX (Baylor Bears make some NOOOOOIIIIIIIIIIZE!) and up to my old hood in Cackalacka for checking me out. But first, we hear:

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

ITEM! Michael Olowakandi so distraught over Pacers brawl that he refuses to part with hula skirt at Tiki Bob's in Indy and ends up getting stun 101'd twice. PAGE 4 HOLLERS AT YOU, KANDIMAN. It took two stunnies to send that big boy down! Reminds me of '93 right after I ditched the Falls when I was a young buck in the Association and Jayson Williams took all the rookies out to a giant steak dinner at Peter Luger in BK and then to the champagne room at Scores before inviting us and some of those fine ass females back to his place in Jersey where he forced us to play naked twister while pointing a shotgun at our dingalings and laughing. He laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed until our tears filled his bathtub and then he cleansed himself with our sorrow. Even now sometimes right before I fall asleep at night I hear the faint echo of that laugh. He was so drunk that night LOL. FREE KANDI! It's ELECTRIC! HIGH NRG!

INSIDER HORNETS ITEM! Fo real what is up with the MashMan curse? Dude's been injured since before we packed up and moved to Creole country and moments after Jamal gave up the A to Jamaal and became J-Mal (as first reported in PAGE 4 last week), what happens? Jamaal Vowel Slayer becomes cursed and ends up on the IL (in the Association we call the injured list the IL, dig? I know I shouldn't be spilling all this insider info but that's why they call me SCOOOOOOOOP) after busting up his ring finger worse than I did the night I punched that wall when they told me Bobby Phills wasn't gonna make it (R.I.P. PHILLY BOB WE MISS YOU I'LL SEE YOU AT THE CROSSROADS SO YOU WON'T BE LONELY, K?). Whatever man, it was straight thuggin' when Vowel Slayer tossed the ball at that ugly ass white dude. After he did it he came over to the bench and was like "That ain't the first time some big black dude's tossed balls at his face, but it was the first time someone did it for free!" LOL LOL LOL!!!!!!! Sources tell PAGE 4 Mike Dunleavy picks up dudes on the down low!!!!! Get your wallpaper of the Big Cat now!

NEWS ANALYSIS OF PREVIOUS ITEM! Okay I know the Jamaal Magloire Vowel Slayer injury sounds bad but check it out: We're not gonna win any games but we weren't gonna win any anyway. So this is A+++ NEWS for DW. No Baron Von Davis, no Mash, no Vowel Slayer...it's all me. DRAINING THREEPEES ALL DAY ya heard? Word to Lord Byron. But there's something VERY UN-HIGH NRG about this whole sitchation. What is UP with David West starting now? Another David Wes in the lineup is gonna mess with my jersey sales, which messes with my money. And DW HATES IT when you mess with his money. Because when you mess with his money you mess with his family. And when you mess with his family you mess with his kids. And when you mess with his kids you gonna get mess tossed up all over you because those damn kids can't keep NOTHING down PARENTS OF NEWBORNS HOLLER and watch out for SERIOUS BEATDOWN ACTION MR. WEST.

BLIND ITEM! Which Man of the Lake is so upset about having no time to go visit Santa at the mall that he�s been resting his head in the lap of guys in the Association in the middle of games because he wants a Nintendo DS so he can finally prove to Brian Grant that he can read? Jumaine Jones!

RELATED! Jumaine Jones just two-wayed me to say that Lamar Odom already bought him the DS, but then he also told me a funny story that for some reason had NOTFORPAGHE4NOT FOR PAGE4NOTFORPAGE4 written at the top. Told you he couldn�t read and write! So check this, EXCLUSIVE TO PAGE 4 Jumaine Jones sources tell PAGE 4 that Kobe was so pumped to hear the new Nas double album that he put it on in the locker room while the Lakers were suiting up to play the Knuck if you Bucks (WHAT!) last night. He was nodding his head and all that when the song "These Are Our Heroes" came on which God�s Son (not God�s son like Big Baby Basketball Jesus Dwyane Wade but God�s Son like Nasir Jones) casually disses Kobe and Taye "Grant Hill" Diggs for sleeping with white women!!!! EXLUSIVE TO PAGE 4 EXCLUSIVE TO PAGE 4!!! The room got all quiet until Chris Mihm came out of the shower without a towel and all the brothers started laughing at him. Kobe still looked pissed though and then he stoop up and screamed "God�s Son???!!!! More like Clod�s Dumb!!!" but nobody laughed so there was this weird awkward silence but then Luke Walton farted so everybody started laughing again. Kobe so rattled he only shot un-DW-like LOW NRG 4 for 13 but they won anyway!!! Coach Tony Montana (In the Association that�s what we call Rudy Tomjonovitch because he has that big scar on his face and Tony Montana was Scarface LOL I know right?) to put Kobe-diss freestyles on wax with production by Kanye West before every game so Kobe Bean will pass the ball to the Coomunist bloc down low! DW ain�t not history guy but didn�t we just fight that war in the snow so we wouldn�t have to be like Divac and Medved4nko? Coach Montana does NOT honor the fallen EXCLUSIVE TO PAGE 4!!!!

ITEM! My PAGE 4 sources are buzzing over the breaking news that Pacers coach Rick Carlile decides to take action against lack of THREEPEE specialists since the suspensions of the Tru Warier and Facecracker Jackson by arranging TOP SECRET and experimental finger transplant surgery between digit specialist Tirso Furcal and Jamaal Tinsley! Tinsley says he looks forward to "increased ball cupping skills" LOL HE ACTUALLY SAID THAT. Only in the association kids, only in the association... Posted by Wizznutzz gossip columnist David "Scoop" Wesley aka DW

Michael Jordans older brother James isa a tru Warier!

Command Sgt. Maj. James R. Jordan has asked to stay in the Army for a year beyond his mandatory retirement date so he could complete a deployment to Iraq with the 35th Signal Brigade."We are currently at war," the older Jordan told The Fayetteville Observer. "We are doing things, and it requires leaders to do certain things. That's what I am, a leader."

INCITE #1
Many people in sports media and also EDUtainers like the wizznutzz toss around war talk when they talk sports. They toss it around like they toss around Steve Blakes gameworn buttocks on the dulles airport shuttle.
They say we gotta "hunker down in the trenches", we gotta march down the field and "go into battle"

like when KG said tru quote:

"This is it and for all the marbles. I'm sitting in the house loading up the pump, loading up the Uzi, I've got a couple of M-16s, a couple of nines and a couple of joints with some silencers on them. I'm just loading up clips, a couple of grenades, a missile launcher with a couple of missiles."

-and the time when Jimmy "The Rat" Lynam yelled: "we gotta Splice the Main Brace you Jack Tar bastards!" on the golf course.

INCITE #2
Even commentators get into the act.!!!
Like when Renee Knott described Tracy Murray as having "50 confirmed kills."

And TNT ANALIST Tim "The Bomb Squad" Legler last week was a War Hawk.
His veins bulged as he swore to smoke the fans out and yelled "Drop the bomb. Kill them All" while he rode his swift boat into the interior with a very very high Randell Jackson, looking to exterminate the naked and clay-painted SIR Charles, the once powerful company man who turned native, turned mad, mumbling to himself in a spider hole, a spider holed choked with darkness, choked with the scent of Old Spice.
Tim Legeler leaves his door unlocked and sleeps with a loaded gun under his pillow. Tim Legler couldnt even join the army if he wanted on account of his Plantar Fascitus. He would have to ride in the back of the humvee in a sharp double-breasted huntergreen suit, cheering on the team.

INCITE #3
SO Michael Jordan is NO warrier. Hes not a leader of men.
Its men like JAMES "JJ" J Jordan that go into battle and are leaders of men.
You wont find James Jordan calling his squad mates "mules"
and he doesnt need lockerroom notice boards to motivate cause he motivates for GOD and for USA USA USA not for humiliating his opponents.
James Jordan goes into battle to protect us from ruthless narcissistic dictators. Maybe he should have saved his trouble and just taped Brother Michael to a chair, because MJ is the Saddam Hussein of the Association though thankfully Abe Pollin deposed him. Because if you think Abu Graib prison was bad, then you obviously never heard the story about MJs "Faggot Pyramid" he built in the MCI practice gym one day. Its just a matter of time until Kwame Brown talks to Steve Croft about the nightmares, and the truths!!:
Ty Lue atop the pyramid, weeping and wetting himself and wetting the whole pyramid, a pyramid of humans and a pyramid of our HYPOCRISY while Salieri and uncle tom COLLINS sat around laughing, taunting and posing for pictures.

ALSO
Congratulations to Michael Ruffin and wife Mistye on their 4th baby, a new baby girl!!!
He missed a practice and we really MIST YE, Mike!!

Awesome TRU FACT FILE on Mike Ruffin:

He has a daughter called Javon!!!!!!
He has a degree in chemical engineering at Tulsa.

His most prized possession is his collection of exotic pets:
which includes a coatimundi, bearded dragon, three African spur-thighed tortoises, hedgehog, Africn bullfrog, rabbit, three lizards, frog, two hamsters, fish and a pair of ferrets.

An African spur-thighed tortoise and a pair of ferretts??
That sounds LIKE Jahidi White's offseason!!!!!!

Posted by Darvin Ham, WizzNutzz intern

Michael Jordans older brother James isa a tru Warier!

Command Sgt. Maj. James R. Jordan has asked to stay in the Army for a year beyond his mandatory retirement date so he could complete a deployment to Iraq with the 35th Signal Brigade."We are currently at war," the older Jordan told The Fayetteville Observer. "We are doing things, and it requires leaders to do certain things. That's what I am, a leader."

INCITE #1
Many people in sports media and also EDUtainers like the wizznutzz toss around war talk when they talk sports. They toss it around like they toss around Steve Blakes gameworn buttocks on the dulles airport shuttle.
They say we gotta "hunker down in the trenches", we gotta march down the field and "go into battle"

like when KG said tru quote:

"This is it and for all the marbles. I'm sitting in the house loading up the pump, loading up the Uzi, I've got a couple of M-16s, a couple of nines and a couple of joints with some silencers on them. I'm just loading up clips, a couple of grenades, a missile launcher with a couple of missiles."

-and the time when Jimmy "The Rat" Lynam yelled: "we gotta Splice the Main Brace you Jack Tar bastards!" on the golf course.

INCITE #2
Even commentators get into the act.!!!
Like when Renee Knott described Tracy Murray as having "50 confirmed kills."

And TNT ANALIST Tim "The Bomb Squad" Legler last week was a War Hawk.
His veins bulged as he swore to smoke the fans out and yelled "Drop the bomb. Kill them All" while he rode his swift boat into the interior with a very very high Randell Jackson, looking to exterminate the naked and clay-painted SIR Charles, the once powerful company man who turned native, turned mad, mumbling to himself in a spider hole, a spider holed choked with darkness, choked with the scent of Old Spice.
Tim Legeler leaves his door unlocked and sleeps with a loaded gun under his pillow. Tim Legler couldnt even join the army if he wanted on account of his Plantar Fascitus. He would have to ride in the back of the humvee in a sharp double-breasted huntergreen suit, cheering on the team.

INCITE #3
SO Michael Jordan is NO warrier. Hes not a leader of men.
Its men like JAMES "JJ" J Jordan that go into battle and are leaders of men.
You wont find James Jordan calling his squad mates "mules"
and he doesnt need lockerroom notice boards to motivate cause he motivates for GOD and for USA USA USA not for humiliating his opponents.
James Jordan goes into battle to protect us from ruthless narcissistic dictators. Maybe he should have saved his trouble and just taped Brother Michael to a chair, because MJ is the Saddam Hussein of the Association though thankfully Abe Pollin deposed him. Because if you think Abu Graib prison was bad, then you obviously never heard the story about MJs "Faggot Pyramid" he built in the MCI practice gym one day. Its just a matter of time until Kwame Brown talks to Steve Croft about the nightmares, and the truths!!:
Ty Lue atop the pyramid, weeping and wetting himself and wetting the whole pyramid, a pyramid of humans and a pyramid of our HYPOCRISY while Salieri and uncle tom COLLINS sat around laughing, taunting and posing for pictures.

ALSO
Congratulations to Michael Ruffin and wife Mistye on their 4th baby, a new baby girl!!!
He missed a practice and we really MIST YE, Mike!!

Awesome TRU FACT FILE on Mike Ruffin:

He has a daughter called Javon!!!!!!
He has a degree in chemical engineering at Tulsa.

His most prized possession is his collection of exotic pets:
which includes a coatimundi, bearded dragon, three African spur-thighed tortoises, hedgehog, Africn bullfrog, rabbit, three lizards, frog, two hamsters, fish and a pair of ferrets.

An African spur-thighed tortoise and a pair of ferretts??
That sounds LIKE Jahidi White's offseason!!!!!!

Posted by Darvin Ham, WizzNutzz intern

On behalf of the WizzNutzz,
Michael Wilbon wishes you
A VERY GANGSTA
THANKSGIVING

With WizzNutzz inpoirational artist Sioux 23 out weeping in the fields today over the rape and pillage of his homeland, I thought that I DANA VON POSTGAME CALL-IN SHOW GIRL! should step up and sshow my pencils !!! I've been learning so much from Steve Blake during his time in the Cheeseboot, including how to talk Swahili since Wizards have two players from Swaziland in Kwame Brown and Samaki Walker and Stevie wanted to make them feel at home, but mostly Steve has taught me how to use chalks and charcoals and such to express myself rather than stolen peyote. As you obvsiously can see, it's almost working!!!

Wilbon shows his bonafides in his column today!! Even as he questions hip-hop cultuyre in NBA he wants everrry body to know that he can still bust a move in ya ass when needed:
"The point here is not that I think hip-hop is bad; some Eminem or Snoop Dogg CD is constantly playing in my car. "
Those some underground jawns, Wilbon!!! Good guys, too!!! Gangsta gangsta, CWEBB style!!! Wilbon have you been jamming Snoops' new "How to Control Ya Ho!" off Rhythm & Gangsta ? It's all about hitting your woman!! Sounds best in a BMW!!! Or in the Post newsroom or PTI production office. Would love to see Kornheiser steppin' to that jam. Remember Wilbon: To stay street you gotta Show ya bonafides whenever, wherever!!! Personally, I do it all the time, which means that I will drop trou in public even when Chico DeBarge don't ask me too.

Posted by Dana Von Postgame Call-In Show Girl, WizzNutzz intern

The all-class Wizznutzz franchise was so kind to offer David Wesley his very own deep-insider gossip column. Call me Scoop! The Charlotte Hor--New Orleans Hornets are going through tough times and it makes me sad, so I am going on my computer and typing PAGE 4 to cheer me up on team flights and in my spare time and during practice and when Lord Byron makes me rest on the bench. DW's a little tired after that triple OT loss last night to the COney Island WARRRRRIOOOOORRRRRSSSSS, but I'm feeling pretty good ever since WE BEAT UTAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's right, baby, Hornets get first win on Klitschko missed freebies and riding the back of my high NRG 9 points1!! We're taking ALL THAT JAZZ back to the Bayou, baby!!! But first, we hear:

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

ITEM! Basketball Jesus Dwyane Wade sets new career high in OT win vs. Utah (WE BEAT UTAH!!!!!!!) and drops 23 in the 4th to finish with 39. Sources tell PAGE 4 he announced in the post (in the biz we call the post-game press conference the "post" or the "conf" or the "posty-press-confab") that his new nickname goes from BJ to BBJ in honor of fallen soulja Dirt McGirt. Big Baby Jesus to Shaq down low all day! Haven't seen a combo like that since it was me and Tito "D-D-Dirty" Sanchez (he had mad stutter!) back on Wichita Falls in '91, even though I wasn't on the team until '92. But I was big CBA fan!

ITEM! Indiana Pacers and Detroit Pistons get into dust-up soon after Big Baby Jesus levitates above the court and drops in winner for Heaven's Heat. Jermaine O'Neal like woah! Who knew a kid with more pimples than PJ Brown's neck after a trip to GNC (HIGH NRG!) could throw a right like that!! I haven't seen that much carnage since I murdered Bobby Phills! R.I..P. Philly Bob!!! (that's what we called him on the team you fans and outsiders wouldn't understand it WE WERE LIKE BROTHERS BRINGING HIGH NRG TO ALL THE ARENAS MAN!) Jamaal Tinsley holla at your boyzzz!!!

NEWS ANALYSIS! In the Association we have a little way of dealing with fans that get on our bad sides. You go upstairs to the room with all the cameras in it at halftime and point out the guy and then security leads them to a seacrest room where they break their hands with hammers like in that DeNiro movie "Marvin's Room!" No need to the dirty work yourself like in that Norm McDonalds movie "Dirty Work!" But Ron Testes (guys in the Association call him that but yo'’re just fans and would'’t understand) we feel for you here at DWHQ. TRU WARIER COME OUT TO PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. OMG I just realized that I put down seacrest instead of secret, I was just watching "Hangin' With Hung" with the fellas on the plane and I had AI on my mind LOL!!!!!!

INSIDER INFO ITEM! In Hornets first win of the season over Jazz who should now call themselves THE BLUEZZ, Jamal Magloire led the team with 20 points. Jamal Mashburn, on the disabled list and watching the game on his expensive black leather couch that he lets me sleep on when we're done tipping back 40z (RIP PHILLY BOB) calls the team plane and tells J-Mags (it's the nickname the fellas on the team call him so you fans wouldn't understand cuz y'all just M$$$$$$$$$##G PLAYA HATERZ), "You are of great use to the Hornets, and I, of little. Take my A, and from now on they shall know you as Jamaal and I as J-Mal. Frankly, two Jamals on the same team that both went to Kentucky was getting me a little confused LOL!" J-Mags accepts the generosity and assumes the identity of Jamaal Magloire Vowel Slayer!!! PAGE 4 EXCLUSIVE!

ITEM! The PR guys just told me that DW David Wesley #4 starting guard out of Baylor University leads the New Orleans Charlottes in Points, Assists, Steals, Freebie percent, Threepee percent, Hugs, Smiles, and Happy Funshine.

NEWS ANALYSIS OF PREVIOUS ITEM FEATURING EXCLUSIVE INSIDER INFO! Team's last in division but that's because the selfish Baron Von Davis does not get along with Lord Byron and he won't come back from injuries and hurt feelings. Pistols at dawn rumored but sources cannot confirm. Everything else AOK, according to Association sources!

BLIND ITEM! Which recently merged baller likes to take weekend trips into the Rocky Mountains where he tracks down animals and strangles them with his BEAR hands? This fluffy nougat says it helps him with his low post skills, AND FASHION GAME! It's Kenyon Martha Stewart! PETA, meet Kenyon LOL!





BLIND ITEM! Which fellow Denverian snitched on the crew that was trying to shake him down for three mil because they had a tape of him knuckbucking for Lady La La's honor? Carmelo Anthony!

RELATED! Richard Jefferson tries to strip Sears-Kmart of his yellow headband, tells him "It took you three attempts to break the wooden board with your roundhouse kick, and the board was already cracked! Go back to white headband!" Kenyon enraged and runs over to ex-sensei Frank yelling "HAVE A LOOKSIE AT MY NUTSIES!" PAGE 4 EXCLUSIVE!

ITEM! My PAGE 4 sources are buzzing over the announcement by Magic GM John Wisebroad during a post that Grant Hill signed a two-year deal with Satan Beelzebub that guarantees a return to the HIGH NRG Hill of the early 90's that sang nursery rhymes and frolicked in wheat fields while evil twin Thomas Hill was crying like white woman figure skater who got whacked in the knee Tony Montana style (he's some dude that Association dudes fucks wit). JESUS AND SATAN PLAYING IN THE SAME STATE and they will battle for all our eternal souls on December 19th in a HIGH NRG affair at the Americna Airlines Arena! Only in the Association, kids, only in the Association...

Posted by Wizznutzz gossip columnist David Wesley aka DW

WELCOME ANDREW SULLIVAN FANS!!!

Its an Historic day at Wizznutzz, thanks to YOU.
Wizznnutzz love Andrew Sullivan. You were AWESOME in Mannequin!!!!

Like ANdrew SUllivan the Wizznutzz are very desirous with the direction of things in nations Capitol. And like you we also had an article in the Sunday Times called "The Coil Tightens" but ours was about Mark Price and Plantar Fascitus !!! Wizznutzz and Andrww Sullivan: TRU WARIERS!!

Wizznutzz.com is for YOU fans because its not just about than basketball. Its Edutainment! But Its life too!
We made AUbernica because Life as fans of the Wizards aka "Mr. Drummonds Payroll" is like the life of Basque people in terror!
ItS a Theatre of cruelty.!! Its Existential biznezz. HOLLA into the void!

AS WE LIKE to say in interviews:
The Wizznutzz story isn't one about glory, and triumph and parades and all that stuff. It's a story about pushing open the very heavy, groaning doorway that is life, and for all your flaws and failings, once again throwing yourself back through it like a mating-season salmon. It's a story about medical marijuana and a man, a mascot, and static electricity. It's a story about destiny and the redemptive power of the halfsmoke.
It is a story about overcoming odds, but mostly not overcoming odds!!!!

And also we made it because we are like Andrew Sullivan and Picasso and ron artest; we have stuff to promote!!! Synergy! Antiseptic bacon!!

While our site struggles with bandwiodth like Michael "SALIERI" jordan struggles with the poisons of ENVY, please enjoy some more of our website:

A disturbing FInnish documentary about Jahidi WHite
& BUY A JAHIDI THONG. And More Jahidi tribuites!!!

The Ike Austin CHeeseboot!

Talk to the Salty GAR HEARD ROBOT!!!

GOD SHAMMGODS mp3 mixtape!!!!

Wizznutzz Photo Album

Jordan MULES art contest!

And come back soon for a new NBA gossip column debuting tonight: "PAGE 4 with David Wesley". Incites!

Just as WNutz spewed!!!
Brawl not by chance!
RON RON HAD MARKETING PLAN
IN MIND ALL ALONG!!!

Ron Ron appeared on pasty Today Show to appeal to suburban white house fraus and this is what happened:
During the interview, Artest plugged a new CD from a group on his record label three times and wore a T-shirt and hat emblazoned with the logo of TruWarier Records.

WIZZNUTZZ EXCLUSIVE:
Fan in dirty white baseball cap not a degenerate beer-with-ice-throwing fool but rather a high-placed executive at Truwarier Records!!!

To help promote Ron Ron's jams, we wanted to post a banger from the masher over on God's Mixtape but thanks to the world's foremost gay republican blogger Andy Sullivan linking our Aubernica, WizzNutzz.com is 'bout ready to crash!!! We love to crash, especially after marathon-length Matams when Wizards lose!!! And don't forget: We support gay marriage!!!


Posted by God Shammgod, WizzNutzz intern

August Strindberg reporting from the field.
I had the pleasure of attending the Tuesday evening affair. The Raptors arrived from their northern homeland, hoarfrost still whitening their great beards, wrapped in furs and whale blubber. This once-proud tribe has fallen on hard times, relying on Bosh of the Long Neck and Rafer Alston skittering about like a devilish pixie. Even Pape Sow, the proud successor to Ousmane Cisse, has been unable to restore vim to their vigor. The Wizards' inevitable victory was, indeed, inevitable, and the hallowed hardwood was holy once again. Ah, but how the stars did shine! On the court, yes, but even brighter off. I refer first to David Aldridge, once one of our own, now the bespectacled sage of TNT as ESPN saw fit to do him in. I refer second, and third and forever, to the presence of Little Gita, Gheorghe Muresan, the last smiling remnant of the glory days, truly a man of the people, truly heavy in the pants. Joy rattled and shook the arena, a tremor felt even in the Dark Realm where rests a young Mase and the beloved soul of Charles Jones. Also, did you see that Gar Heard was ejected vs. Bobcats? Surely a Garbot programming error, alas, but a loss is ever guaranteed when Benson is at the helm.

Posted by August Strindberg, WizzNutzz intern & desirer o' death

Battle Royal!!!!!! With Cheese!!

"And so this morning, like a boxer standing before the mirror after his handlers have gone home, we examine our face to see how badly we are bruised."

Thats wizznutzz fav columnist Motor City windbag Mitch Albom!!!

The Bomb! Doesnt the bomb look like he lives in a universe with these people?!

The 5 people Ill meet in Heavan!!!:

Malcolm X, Harry Potter, Jesus, The janitor Schneider (hes got smokes!), Mitch Alboms rumoured "extra" son "Forrester" !!

As for wizznutzz take on all this, my 1st thought is that TNT analist and former bullet TIM LEGLER is a WAR HAWK!! He carries a big stick and sore feet! Nobody &^%$$ks with the BOMB SQUAD!

Also Jim Grey aka "The Man Who Cried" . SO Poignant!
Jim Grey was like Dick Schapp at the Munich Olympics except with stadium CONCESSIONS instead of FIRE AND DEATH!!!

Before he got a contract Ben Wallace was a Bullet and TRUE STORY, lived in a tricked out SUV with Playstation ONE consoles. He talked with calm about his mastery of Tekken 3!!!

But words are hard for us, now as ever! SO we commissioned master Craftsman SOUIX 23 to create a detailed inspirational work:

AUBERNICA!!!!
Witness the carnage! The humanity! The missing patch of hair on Rasheed head!!!



CLick to enlarge!!

See SIOUX 23s other Inspiring portraits.!!!!!!!!


---posted by Darvin Ham

ERRYBODY DO
THA 'TAWN TAWN!!!
A grand new dance is sweeping the WizzNutzz's Camp Lorenzo!!!
It was created by noted pacifist and Debbie Allen devotee Antawn Jamison during the game tonight, and in a show of NBA unity he had both the Wiz & Netz dropping legs on the court (and Zo dropped a kidney, but it was on tha beat, yo!). Tawn's dance was like a mix of steps gleaned from Jets vs. Sharks (NFL/NHL) and Weird Al's "Eat It" video, delivered with the herky-jerky speed of Larry King high steppin' to his morning constitutional. Sensual yet functional!!
I would love a pair of these dance-inflicted gameworns. Insha'allah!!!
Note to Pistons/Pacers: Don't fight, just pull down ya pants and dance!!!

The Nets don't dance
they just pull down they pants
and throw the rock away
lean back
bacon
!!!

Posted by God Shammgod, WizzNutzz intern

Ron Artest is the Swifty Lazar
of Record Promotion!!!
Pistons/Pacers brawl means
more free pub for
Truwarier Records!!!

And plenty of manufactured outrage from ESPN heads!!!
"It's terrible! A travesty! Raw bacon!"
Airwaves filled for weeks with accusations, indignations, and bald-faced plugs for Christmas Day rematch on ESPN!!
WIN WIN!!! Insha'allah!!!

A jealous Susan O'Malley learns from Ron Ron's promotional cunning, immediately drops "Wizards Singles Night with Brendan Haywood" and opts for "Glock 9s Night with Gilbert Arenas!"

Posted by God Shammgod, WizzNutzz intern

AS resident Wizznutzz Motivational Speaker Susan O'Malley likes to remind us with the saying:

"The taste of cheese is the taste of tenacity"

So true!
Young Steve Blake is ready to go after difficult rehabilitation of his ankle. But Steve Blakes put his foot to good use because he knows that The human foot is a thermodynamic wonder!!!! (TM)

Introducing the 2005 Ike Austin CheesebootTM Model:

"QUESOFORCE NEGROBLANCO"

These kicks get the job done on and off the court!!

"Thats right, while you are worlking for your job, your CheeseBoot is working for you, producing fine organic DIY Cheeseproduct at pennies a day!!! In fact, you can go anywhere in your cheseboot that you would go in a large shoe: shopping, dinner parties, even the beach, they all stand the test!™"

The Steve Blake edition “Quesoforce NegroBlanco!” features the latest in podiatric and dairy technologies and fashion. "FlavorFashion"TM

Featuring airsupport and open-toed style. Open toes are trendy and casual, around the house or in the club, but also the secret to its signature dual- flavored feral cheese products.

1. The uppers are sealed to trap radiant heat.
Producing a mild CALF CHESSE
Think of the calf cheese like you do an engagingly spicy string cheese! A creamy texture that is straw colored with green flecks and veins.! Good for an on the go snack!

2. While The open toes is breathable. This allows a drying of the curd around the foot, producing an potent ANKLE CHEESE that is highly salty and firm, like a young Larry King in a Bali nightclub!

The ANKLE cheese is best for dinner occasions. Its is best used in very small doses, for provocative salads and for purposes of self defense.

Make sure to check out the DIY IKE AUUSTIN Cheeseboot investment opportunity here!

Welcome Back Steve BLAKE.!!!!

Also to honor steves blake return and all our new fans we introduce a new initiative for the Wizznutzz:

WIZZNUTZZ CLASSIC!

Like Lorenzo Wiliams Knees, Old incites never die, they just become classic!

We kick things off with a couple Steve Blake posts, including a greatly heartfelt tribuite by poignant Finnish intern Jarkko Rutta. Last year when Jahidi White was traded to Phoenix and left us without our charismatic and artfully large center, but also left the Wizards locker room with its strict ChubbChaser sociosexual code and hierarchies with a massive Chubb vacuum.
As we say: Terrible things happen in power vacuums, like the rize of the Nazis. And Rod Strickland!!! For young Steve Blake this loss was very personal because Jahidi was his lover but also his protector and now he was passed around frightened like a wet chinchilla!
Anyway sometimes things like this are hard to put into words and so we turned to our European intern Jarkko to express it in disturbingly honest terms as a short film.

ENJOY! GO WIZZ!

Posted by Darvin Ham

GOD'S MIXTAPE!!!

God's Mixtape presses on like Rod Strickland chomping a 40-inch half-smoke during a 20-second timeout. Click here to get E-40 diss of Rasheed Wallace, the Number One Dead Wallaby Lover in the history of the Washington Wizardbullets---and there have been dozens!!!

Posted by God Shammgod, WizzNutzz intern

We welcome the WizzNutzz's newest intern, the lighthearted Swedish dramatist and HUGE baller, August Strindberg!!!

As the darkness of winter looms, and 3-3 becomes 3-4 becomes 3-eternity, our hearts grow small, smaller than the Hulk’s baby-paws. But as our eyes cast downwards, we see something has shriveled even further, cowering amidst satiny blue folds.

Reports the Washington Post: Coach Eddie Jordan does not believe perimeter defense was the only problem. "Our interior defense, too," he said. "Outside of Brendan clogging the middle up to a certain degree . . . we're small and we're light in the pants."

The interior is defenseless. The middle is clogged. And in our pants hides our true shame, small and light. The wrinkled pinkie of the she-succubus. Even Rod’s half-smoke is missed now.

Following his namesake mulemaster, tense-browed Eddie Jordan has questioned the manhood of his young wards. But they are neutered Urokhai, born of petri, not woman-womb! What choice have they? What choice have any of us?

Posted by August Strindberg, WizzNutzz intern & coveter o' death's sweet relief

GOD'S MIXTAPE!!!

When you see this logo on our website it means one thing:
God Shammgod is up to his old tricks, POSTING MP3s, SAVING ITINERANT SOULS, and writing in the third person!!!

God will be posting the best Wizards-related and basketballcentric hip-hop, R&B, and polkas on his own special section of WizzNutzz.com. For his first posting, God has chosen to debut Webber Wednesdays, where every hump day throughout the season a Chris Webber a.k.a. C Webb a.k.a. GANGSTA GANGSTA!!! jam will be featured. Click here to get started building God's Mixtape!!! Insha'allah!!!

Posted by God Shammgod, WizzNutzz intern

A lot of you wonder why Our Lord Savior Kwame Brown's name is attached to salad dressing references. It has to do with ointments that we disciples apply to the body of the Very Reverand Kwames so that we on earth may glorify He with a pure heart and gameworn shorts. Insha'allah!!! To paraphrase Ezekial 16:7-14, we slowly bathe a beatific, practice-moist Kwames with holy water and then put ointments of oil & vinegar on his barking dogs, soothing his devilish broken foot, wicked bunyons, and satanic plantar fasciitis. Duppy Conquerer!!!

Salad dressings come from the Revelation our Prophet received during his rookie year. Here's the full story from the Washington Post, and here is the key excerpt:

On a road trip to Boston, the Wizards took him to an elegant French restaurant. Brown was not just shocked, but outraged, to discover that the restaurant did not serve French dressing. "Can you believe that?" he says. "No French dressing. In a French restaurant."

Then there was the matter of the salad itself. "It was tree roots," he says disgustedly. "Leaves. And branches."

For weeks afterward, Brown took a bottle of store-bought French dressing with him whenever he went out to dinner.

You see, it's all about how Kwame is slowly becoming spiritual and multicultural, the leader of free men and buff youths in sweaty tanktops, with French dressing being but the first ointment of His Church. Next week Kwames discovers the healing powers of I-talian.
Insha'allah!!!

Posted by God Shammgod, WizzNutzz intern

This Old Mule!!!

Salieri Jordan's throne of deceit and youth-beauty hatred and gaybashing of mules is undercovered by ESPN excerpt!!!
Kwame is his Ishtar!!!
This new book takes all WizzNutzz work and INCITES from past 3 years and condenses it into a book with grammar and bacon bits!!!! We shall go deep in deconstructing it this week, but for now dear students of Kwame's nervous breakdown, read, memorize, settle into Cheese Boot (tm) and come back to us for Jacques Derida deconstruction and soothing words and holistic salad-based oils for Our Savior the Manchild Kwame Brown!!!!!

Posted by Dana von Postgame Call-In Show Girl

Wizzards Midwest / profile in Afros. SHEEN!!!
Could have been so beautiful to see this crew parading down F Streett on float sponsored by Abe Pollen's Discount Eugenics Farm, fake afros bending in the wind like so much wheat, blowing kisses to displaced homeless and law enforcement officers, repeating with chants of "4 MOre Years!!!" but alas it's nothing but rebuilding and building of rebuilding and watching Detroit Wizards parade past Big Buck ["Great food GOOD TIMES"] of Auburn Hills all the way down to actual Detroit to dodge potholes on Woodward Avenue as whole of Motor City chants "Thanks for in vitro experiments /dodgy trades, MR. Drummond!!! May you forever deal away future in order to satifsy biological experiments of present!" THEY CHANTED THAT!!!!?? WHOA!! Detroit does not play!!!

Posted by Dana von Postgame Call-In Show Girl, WizzNutzz intern

Posted by Darvin Ham, WizzNutzz intern

The Yellow Kid is a yella bizatch. Knocked out my Wi-Fi!!!

Posted by Darvin Ham

Brendan Haywood: MANWHORE!!!

Brendan Haywood has a big new contract but SMALL SMALL hands and now finds himself Wizwhore.

COINCIDENCE???

Wizznutzz dont think so.
THEORY ONE is that Brendan wants to taste the exotic flavours of a divroced white mother of 3 from Olney but doesnt want to be teased by his boys and had a contract coming up and so......
buit
THEORY TWO holds much more water. Thats right, Abe POLIN has restarted his unsanctioned EUGENICS experiments in the bunker under the former Cap Center utilizing local Landover by law loopholes to push frontiers of ethical science into frightening and amazing places!!!

PROOF: Wizznutzz obtain special RIDER to Haywood contract.

PROOF: Brendan is a physical MARVEL yet isnt quite complete: Brendan wins date with Lesley Pinkston. Lesley is desacribed by friends as "outgoing" and "fun" but also described as having "jesusfreaky enormous man hands".

STOP ABE POLIN. STOP him abducting youth urban MANGINAS into his limo off thenplayground. and stop MISTER DRUMMOND and his benevolent madness trying to BREED a winner. You cant breed winning, its in the DNA!

This horror has visited us before.
Recently declassified "LEDELL EXPERIMENT"!!! Witness the horrible results Ledell Eackles , hiding in Neckless shame in the shadows of his own fate! Witness Manute Bol: his mother a 4'7" Baltic Jockey, his father.... "ANONYMOUS". Witness the 9 hours erection, the REAL reason Muggsy Bogues is out of the league! Michal Jordan calls Wizards teammates Mules. Mules atre INFERTILE. Former Bullets , Celibate Rifles!! MJ finds leprauchauns in his shrubs one night, parts ways with team shortly after. WITNESS recentrly unveiled documentation: Kevin Duckworth is thirteen years old!!!

Posted by God Shammgod, WizzNutzz intern

While he plays for Wizards archenemaies the Indiana Pacers, we respect Ron Artest as a rapper, a producer, and emotional manchild. He also plays basketball! Insha'allah!!! See our good friend Eric Adelson's awesome article on Ron Ron in ESPN The Mag, the best awkwardly sized sports magazine in the whole wide world (outside of Saudi Arabia, where the paper sizes and sports coverage are just plain wack--the good kind!!!).

One week into NBA season Ron Ron said he needed a break from basketball because he was tired from promoting his record label, Truwarier.

We fully understand, Ron Ron! We're ready to pack in the WizzNutzz---and we don't even have a mission or a position or a statement, let alone all three. Insha'allah!!! But Truwarier has a mission position statement, and it's all tru !
"Ron was named The Truwarier for his relentless style of play. Rather than becoming known as the type of warrior that slices off heads and battles with weapons Artest chose to use his own spelling and change the meaning."

Spelling versus chopping off heads!! Positive choice, Ron Ron!!! Strike the negative!!! SHOUT DOWN THE VOICES!!!!

Check back to WizzNutzz.com for some Ron Ron jawns!

Posted by God Shammgod, WizzNutzz intern

Throw on ya hoodies and lace up ya boots, cuz this thing is ON! Insha'allah!!!

Wizz race to 3-2 record by defeating Magic thereby avoiding sub-.500 record for one more day. It's like when my head coach, Hadzic Sabit, told me, "GOD, do not take Team Al Hilal lightly just because it's early in the season. After all, they have Al Turky Turky who will get unconscious on your ass."

What did we at Team Al Ittihad do? We beat Al Hilal like a sick mule, and then we went on to win the Kudu Saudi Basketball Championship, which is like NIT for Middle East ballers.

GOD TOUCHES GOLD BALL


Speaking of Beating Sick Mules
As we know, Michael "Salieri" Jordan referred to his Wizard teammates as sick mules, which lead to a lot of creative art work---and a lot of hurt feelings, especially among the mules. Now it's revealed that Salieri beat down Magic's Grant Hill and his female foot during game on Jan. 16, 2003. Sir Limp-A-Lot said he knew prior to that game that his left foot was broken but he wanted to play against, thank Allah, a finally retiring Jordan. "I just wanted to go one last time and I figured he wouldn't play again," Hill said. "Him realizing I was hurting, he kind of went at me." Salieri scored 20 of his 32 points in the first quarter against El Gimpo. Sorry, Grant! Once a mule beater, always a mule beater! Even Saudi Arabia is kinder than Salieri, a man jealous of youth and talent and salad-dressing manchilds named Kwame!

Posted by Dana von Postgame Call-In Show Girl, WizzNutzz intern

E. Jordan's Princeton Offenserotica !!!
Comcast host Chick Hernandez on postgame show after Wizz blown out by Heat:
"Get a towel and let's towel off!"
Make mine gameworn!!!
This after c0-host Brian James said previously that he loves him some back door action!!!
Draw ya hair on with a Sharpie cuz it's gettin' hot in hurrrr!!!!!

GOD SHAMGOD
God Shamgod
GOD SHAMGOD
testing one two three!!!

Last yea'rs blog is here
Year before blog before last year is here
Old site of web interntet is here before Germanic retooling!!!
More linkz up there in the linzkz!!! We;cpme to all newcomers and Ira Newble!!!

We shall introduce our interns now for 2005:

Darvin Ham
Spends time on Pistons bench with Wi-Fi connection writing incites and dreaming of Texas TEx slams and District half-smokes !!

Dana Von Postgame Call-In Show Girl
Spends days chasing Rod Strickland memorbillia (anyone have TGIFridays napkinds Rod used on evening of Aug. 23, 2004, after meal of chili and cheese half-smokes?? please contact Danaa!!!) and collecting rare Chico DeBarge MP3s (strictly 192 kps and above but will compromise!!!). AND CALLING INTO RADIO SHOWs with incites!!!! Way to

God Shamgod
Former star of Providence and Wizz first rounder and of Chinaese league Zhejiang Horses and then Zhejiang Wanma Cyclones and then Al Ittihad of Saudi Arabia League Champion (MVP + top scorer) !!! NOW HE"S WIZZNUTZZ STAR INTERN!! Way to go GOD!! Insha'allah!!!

Ken BEatrice
Former leagendary sports host on 630 AM and then 980 AM of radio, IT"S YOUR SHOW!!!! Allegedy Loves being taught in Mothering Hut and corporal mortification!!! WAy to bring da pain and peyote, Ken!!

Jarkko Ruutu
Finland is near Canada so we get northernly perspectives on Wizzings from Finlandia's finest , and since Hockeyt is locked out Jarkko has more time to post incites on Washington Wizards fave team in world this since of Moomintrolls!! Will be guest singing many songs trhis year and is EXPERT at mashups!!! Stay drunking JARKO!!!!!

Also while we try t