Wednesday, November 18, 2009
We know its been quiet around these parts. But we had a busy summer OK. Our intern AUgust Strindberg got detained in europe when he tried to sell a sexually explict, blackmarket snuff film to undercover police posing as melancholy swedish perverts. Its OK he was released a few hours later when authorities studied the tape and concluded it was actually a homemade compilation of clips of Jim McIlvaine being dunked on. But also we have been gone becasue really sometimes we think: whats left too say? There was a time we were the only blog in town but now we cant buy an incite. First came Agent Steinz with his five-dollar words and the keys to DeShawn Stevensons meat cellar. This offseason Steniz casually throws off a few lines about Chris Whitney and Jahidi White opening an armored truck business in England, a story we had been working on for six years!!! Then ballers start blogging and ballers start tweeting about their own lives, about their bowling games and their dinner at Houstons and their xbox handles. Then blogs like Bullets Forever started actually WATCHING GAMES and breaking down complex stats like Calbert Cheaneys MDD rating (Miniature Deaths Died). Then came the straw that broke the Moomintrolls back and changed the way we read sports on the internet 4ever: The washington post unleashed World Wide Wilbon!!! How can we compete with the man who invented "Mouth Twitter"???? !!!
@wzzntzz Cant stop readin WorldWideWilbon! Net hasnt seen this much Vanity since Dr Fink's sextape leaked!
So now all we do is 140 character "funcites(tm)" on the twitter box at the public library.
We twitter about all sorts of stuff, but mostly we just twitter lines right out of the 1977 Bullets media guide:
"It's been a long journey from those days in 1946 when Pollin prowled the freight yards at 4a.m"
- Thats 95 characters and its from Page 7 , tru fact I dare you to look it up
But tomorrow night Queen James and Shaq aka Shaq Foolywang aka The Last of the Moechus come to town for the biggest game of the year (we paid large money for front row so we can have unobstructed view to perform our Men Who Stare At Goats death gape) and so its time to stir up the Pot of Hate [*1] and drop our:
3rd ANNUAL 2 & 7 INCITE SPECTACULAR !!!! (featuring the footnotes of Bill Foster Simmons!)
Wizards are in freefall!!! Bodies r failing fast. Only in the Wizards broken and immutable universe could u have team with no point guards on the roster yet somehow have 4 point guards on the injury report! But Thats watcha get when you try and turn a ho into a housewife!!! Ernie spent the offseason trying to REJUVENATE the squad but now everyone walking around with the Sammy Sosa GHOSTAFCE on after hanging 6 large straight into the loss column.
Antawn delivers fiery St. Chapmans Day speech, fires up a MELONTREY and they are still picking the runts out of the ceiling tiles!!!! We havent seen old fruit fly like that since Bernard King retired!!! Protect the courtesy platters!
How did we get here? Lets take a long look back at some of the key developments that have happened since we last saw you...
THE RETURN OF THE CRAZY ONE
Gilbert is back!!!!!! But is he the Real Coq Diesel???? Yeah hes shaking off more rust than Andray Blatches retainer (a record 12 Turnovers in one game - Whats Happening Franchsie!!!! )
But when you think that just 12 months ago wiz trainers told gil "YOU WILL NEVER WALK AGAIN. Also you might be pregant" it brings tears of joy to see him swaggerjacking like his old self. After years of setbacks and pain, Gilbert called up Celebrity Trainer TIM GROVER and said "Dwayne Wade has some beautiful legs. I want some legs like that. Tim Grover: autotune my body!!!"
So Gil went back to SoBeach to get Grovercized. Cuz Grover knows knees. Even if you dont know who tim grover is, he knows who you r, he probably got a file on your knees somewhere locked in a giant warehouse including pictures of your joint taken while you slept naked. grover is obsessed with knees like gene shue was obsessed with bowel movements. Grover is the Oscar Goldman of the NBA. When it comes to the MENISCUS Tim grover is like a mixture of Caeser Millan and Josef Mengele, if Josef mengele wore a bluetooth and smelled of hand sanitizer.
First Grover broke down gils body. Grover went Paleo on his ass. Gil dropped 20 pounds!!! And his dogs lost 5! Gil was so scrawny he make christian bale look like ted leonsis. 20 pound is alot!!! Last time a DC baller lost 20 pounds is when Peter Ramos donated his burlap underpants to the Puerto Rican Museum of Natural History!
Gil was so skinny his skin got all loose and it messed up his black mount rushmore tattoos, made his Malcolm X tat look like a Gordon Parks portait of BigDaddkyKane.
And after he broke down Gilberts body, then Grover broke down his mind.
He used all sorts of classic psychological strategies, like putting Gil in a locked room with two giant piles of Mike & Ikes... one pile all Ikes, one pile all Mikes, and Gil in the middle of tha piles with a pair of tweezers and then Grover locked him in there and blasted at hi volume a video of Howard Jones concert footage from the "Dream Into Action" tour over and over and over and made the rule that everytime Gilbert hears the phrase "Hunger for the flesh" he has to move one Ike from the Ike pile to the Mike pile with the tweezers and every time he hear the phrase "Caught up in the mesh" he has to move one Mike from the Mike pile to the Ike pile and he cant stop until one of the piles is empty but its really an old Buddhist lesson on the nature of existence: now matter how many time you watch the Howard Jones video the piles are always come out even!!!!!!
It might all sound crazy but Grover did in 6 weeks what Wiz trainers couldnt do in 2 years. The Wiz trainers have been slammed by Gil and Etan Thomas and people around the league for their conditioning regimen of hand weights and Capris SUn. And it used to be even worse when we had Steve Stricker as head trainer. Steve Strickers methods were a mixture of Christian Scientist practices and whistling. Steve Stricker watched his kids gerbil one weekend and on monday at show and tell it pulled up on the wheel with a bad hammy. Steve stricker couldnt be stopped but he was stopped by the NBA finally when they took his license after he performed the worlds first reverse-gastric bypass surgery on Jahidi White.
When Gilbert returned he had a new body and a new attitude.
Gilbert announced he was stricly business and then he announced he would announce no more.
He was tired of being pulled around by the strings media press like a spastic bighearted childpuppet. He made a vow of silence. It was a shocking vow to make,, more shocking even than the time Rod Strickland vowed to never slide a spicy halfsmoke down his throat. These are vows against a mans own soul and in Rods case against his own liver which was compromised when he took to sleeping with his prescription relish patches on.
Then Gilbert renounced all monickers, inclduing, and devastatingly so, the AGENT ZERO name with which we had baptised him.
But Agent Zero belongs to the people !!!! not to you and not to us!!!! Trust us we know about who owns names [*2], we tried to patent an anti-seizure midcation in Cuba called "Lynam Chew" and even they would not recognize our claimz.
Gil declared himself changed forever, like in the Brevin Knight biography "The Lord of Rings", Gil came back as GILBERT THE WHITE.
But you cannot change a mans swagger. He is not fooling us only fooling himself and he knows better than that. No one loves movies more than Gilbert but this summer when he was getting all serious he claims the only movie he let himself watch was Sam Mendes' AWAY WE GO but the whole time he was watching it gilbert was secretly hoping the films poignant hesitation would transform itself into a giant corvette robot and destroy everything in sight. Gilbert is tying to sleep on a couch piled high with soft resolutions but will toss and turn and never dream until he steps down and pulls free the tiny pea, the stony gonzo pit, that awakes with a fury in its feathery charnel loam
REBUILD IT AND THEY WILL COME
Coming off a lost season, Ernie Grunfeld had to rebuild a team with brokedown stars, slumdog millionaires, and a dogs breakfast bench. Last year showed wiz bench is about as deep as Chaz Bonos vajayjay!!! He was faced with task of rebuilding the team and to rebuild he need a plan and he needed one fast. You know what they called people who build things and have plans? They called ARCHITEXTS
And in the NBA GMs are like architexts. There are many types of architexture in the history. They say there is only one golden rule in architexture and it was made by a guy called Pythagoras and it was called "the golden rule" and it said that a beautiful man has a head that is 1/6 the size of his armspan, but Pythagoras obviously never met JaVale McGee so we dont trust it.
Here are some types of Architexture used to build succesful NBA teams:
1. Danish Functionalism Focusses on functionality at the expense of beauty
Example of Buildings: Aarhus University, Denmark; Bojangles Gentlesmens Club, Ballart, Austrlia Example of NBA Team: San Antonio Spurs
2. American Foursquare "A reaction to the ornate and mass produced elements of the Victorian and other Revival styles, the American Foursquare was plain, often incorporating handcrafted "honest" woodwork."
Example of Buildings: Riverside Manor, Everett WA; The Gar Heard Sears Family Home No. C227 Example of NBA Team: 1990s Utah Jazz
Example of Buildings: The Palace-fortress at Masada; The Palace at Auburn Hills Example of NBA Team: The 1988 Detroit Pistons
4. Theory of Ruin Value Architecture "The concept that a building be designed such that if it eventually collapsed, it would leave behind aesthetically pleasing ruins." This nationalistic architecture tends to be severe and aspires to rule its surroundings emotionally and physically
Example of Buildings: Zeppelinfeld Nazi Party Rally Grounds, Nuremberg; Wheaton Plaza, Maryland Example of NBA Team: The New York Knicks
5. Googie Architecture "A form of novelty architecture." Populist, frivolous, and exaggerated.
Example of Buildings: Brunswick Covina Bowl, Los Angeles; Ben's Chili Bowl, Washington, DC Example of NBA Team: 1987 Washington Bullets (President: Susan O'Malley)
6. Totalitarian Architecture A monumental, megalomaniacal school of architecture that borrows from Neo-Classicism, Heroic Neo-Realism, and Brutalism. This is an architecture of self-edifice: colossal statues erected in tribute to ones self. Popular with Grecians, aspirational despots, diamond importers and others who suffer from Edifice Complex.
Example of Buildings: Hitler's Reich Chancellery; Stalin's Palace; The Zed Mervis Mausoleum Example of NBA Team: Cleveland Cavaliers
SO then what kind of Architect is Wiz own GM ERNIE GRUFELD>???
Ernie is the Civil Architect. The Civil Architect doesn't try and leave his signatures on his buildings. His designs arent gratuitous and flashy. His buildings are understated, they are efficient and if he is successful they remind you of nothing at all. An elevator button that always seems to be right where your finger is reaching; lights that arent too bright, arent to dark; DMV waiting chairs with thoughtful ergonomics but couldnt quite be called comfortable. Construction that conserves power through mass storage, passive cooling, night flushing. Night flushing - totally underrated 80s canadian rock band! When Ernie went into the offseason he dint have a lot of cash to make a statement. He had to make the best of dated technologies. While other GMs were out flipping properties, or scooping up luxury real estate, ernie was was waiting for the bubble to burst, laying prey on fiscally anxious free agents, the panicky old men.
Ernie was the guy throwing CASH 4 GOLD parties, the guy who drives around in the van eyeballing day laborers on the corner.
Ernie was following around the eviction man with a roll of singles, quietly sidling up to to piles of turned-out sidewalk property, saying to the kid "dont cry little man, your gonna be OK. Ill tell you what Ill give you $10 for your Daddys aquarium. For another 50 cents Ill take that James Ingram LP too..."
Ernie had to be smart and he had to be frugal. lets take a look at his offseason moves:
SIGNED FABRICIO OBERTO:
@wzzntzzIs that Fabricio Raul Jesus Oberto or did Christian Laettner come dressed as a rapist for halloween??
Oberto is a non-thinking mans Etan Thomas and a poor mans Marcin Gortat (Tru Fact: "Marcin" is 3rd most popular baby name in Poland. It means "Betsy")
DID NOT DRAFT DuJUAN "Hold The Ligaments" BLAIR
DID NOT DRAFT RICKY RUBIO
Ernie said "DOnt Believe the Bombo!" and lets RDubs slide through his dedos. SOme fans were angry but Ernie knew something they didnt know: that Rubio let it be known he would not play in Washington DC because Julias Empanadas refused to name a premium snack in his honor called "The Sex Pocket" aka Bosillo Sexo!
TRADED THE 2018 RIGHTS TO RICKY RUBIO ALONG ETAN THOMAS, BIG OILY an THE UNICORN SLAYER to Minnesota
The trade was a blockbuster!!!! even though it was held up for a week while Minnesota counted Etans salary (Abe flew the salary coach, all in nickels)
in return Ernie got:
Randy has lots of upside but also some downside.
DOWNSIDE: If you are getting a player as "Gilbert Insurance" why take a guy with knee problems? Why not go find a guy with the supple knees of a child? Someone like Brian Cardinal who spent much of his a life sitting on a bench with ready access to the worlds best physical trainers??
What does that mean??? It means HIS SWAG IS ABDOMINAL!!!!
Thats right Randy Foyes internal organs are reversed!!!!
This means great joy for us, as you can see by our draft day twitters:
@wzzntzzRandy Foye: scouts describe him as "slasher". Gastroenterologists describe him as "SOUTHPAW"
@wzzntzzFamous people with Situs Inversus : Catherine Ohara, Dr. No, Revolver Ocelot from Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty
@wzzntzzRFoye, like the feminien hygeine commercial sez: sometimes nature gets it wrong! Be proud of your Boggleguts RFOYE!!!
@wzzntzzRFoyes intestinal dyslexia not first example of a dc baller to have reversed parts. Cal Cheaneys hands were on wrong arms. 2 bad he was a lefty!
@wzzntzzAlso Tim Leglers nipples r reversed. & JJeffries has a marsupial pouch. No biolog reason but he keeps his Clark bars in it during practice
Oh We got so very many more where that come from!!!
- Randy Foye dresses to the left!
- Randy Foye is the real "Man in the Mirror"!!!!!
- Randy Foye is teeing off from the back 9!!!
- On the Chinese blackmarket they call Randy Foye "Devil Pieces"!!!
- Randy Foye flushes like an AUstralian toilet!!!!
WHEN GOD WAS DEVELOPING RANDY FOYE, HE SHOOK THE POLAROID!!!!!
we luv you RFOY your silly putty is a true miracle!!!!!
This a sure sign that Abe Pollin is starting up his In Vitro Farm!!!! the clandestine eugenics lab that he ran under the Capital Centre from 1992 until the day the Park Police shot a wild "boar" who stank of Burberry cologne and wore a medical anklet that read "LEDELL EACKLES EXPERIMENT No. 37. NONVIABLE. DESTROY AT MATURITY"
Maybe reveresed organs is just the first step in some fantastic leap of human evolution????
Maybe Randy Foye is like an gastrointestinal lung fish, and one day in the future men will have not just their organs reversed but their entire bodies reversed and DeShawn Stevensons son will have a giant tattoo on his back that reads: "NOS SNWAHSED" !!!
The two were nearly inseparable.... Miller used to have that monkey everywhere he went, including to the mall, where Sonny would ride around on Miller's shoulder....
Sonny had his own bedroom, but "I didn't have no kids, so he got to post up wherever he wanted," Miller said. He would get food from the fridge whenever he was hungry; grapes were a particular favorite. He loved playing billiards, though "he wouldn't use a pool stick, he'd just throw the balls"...
"You would always put him in his room, and then we'd lock the door, and then we'd put the dogs out, and then we'd lock the front door. Well, he found out how to unlock doors, unlocked his door, went downstairs, let the dogs in the house and opened the front door. About an hour later we got a call from our neighbors, saying, 'Your monkey is riding your dogs around the neighborhood.' "....
Which brings us to Miller's sons, Mason and Mavrick. Before Mason's birth, Miller decided that Sonny was too protective, so he was given away to a sanctuary, a process he described as "emotional" and "terrible.".... They've since seen pictures of Sonny, and still have photos of him in their house, but they don't hang out any more. Miller has since grown his hair, and doesn't think his monkey would even recognize him any more.
MIke Miller and his pet monkey!!! he is like a human speed racer! Like a male David Schwimmer!!!
But seriously there is only one obvious outcome to all this:
Obviously some primal trigger will awaken inside Sonny and he will escape from his new home and spend months following Mike Millers trail across America trying to track down the father he was stolen from and of course Sonny has no pockets so he cant bring any money with him so he has to stop and work for a few weeks at a time to pay for his bus tickets, and when he makes it to DC he takes a job as Russ Thalers hairstylist and thats when he sees a picture of Mike Miller on the television and next thing you know Sonny shows up at he Verizon center one morning during practice, where he overpowers Gheorghe Muresan and races screaming onto the court where he sees Mike Miller - of course he still recognizes him!!! and his little monkey heart alsmot explodes but then he sees big JaVale McGee posting up on Mike Miller during a drill and he goes in to a furious protective rage and goes for straight for JaVale testicles (thats just their nature dont hate) but then Gilbert Arenas steps onto the court and walks right up to Sonny stares him down and sonny can tell right away that this is the Alpha Male and then he knows he doesnt have to fight because the order of dominance is established, and the rage and hate slides right out of sonny like a tainted halfsmoke and Sony leaps into Mike Millers arms and licks his face and then spends the rest of the season as the teams honorary mascot (there is probably a testicle attack on GWiz for mascot supremacy but this time probably no one steps in) and Sonny is back on Mikes shoulders and Nick Young learns how to change a diaper but when its late at night Sonny is out on the court shagging balls for the Gilbert, shagging balls nomatter how late becasue Gilbert is the Alpha and the everyone feels great and warm and Sally Jenkins wins a pultizer for her 6 part series for the Post about the great Monkey vs. Alumni football game of 1917.
Mike Miller is a natural blonde with tattoos, a brute with a gorgeous game. He has a rugged tidiness not seen in DC since Sister Christian Laettner.....
Thats right: Mike Miller is a stone cold MACHOSENSUAL!
What is a machosensual u ask? If you have to ask then u probably are not one.
Its the true science of man. (except in germany where it is legally a cult)
All that stuff is great about Mike but it is simply not enough 2 make us overlook the fact that he walked into our building wearing the Devils Hightops.
Washington Wizards guard Mike Miller, despite the urgings from his teammates, will continue to wear LeBron James' signature Nike Shoes.
The last thing we needs is another curse Mike Miller take your damn shoes off play barefoot before you get Plantar Fasciitis from your feet rebelling from their immune systems trying to destroy the shoes!!!!
Not only that but no true machosensual can wear LBJs. It would be like Burt Lancaster wearing UGG Boots during the kissing scene in From Here to Eternity!!!
WHCIH BRINGS US BACK AROUND TO LEBRON JAMES!!!
Queen James had a rough offseason.
First off he was worried he had SWINE FLU. LeBron James cant have SWINE FLU thats redundant just call it THE FLU. Lou Gehrig didnt call his own disease LOU GEHRIGS DISEASE!!!! They dont call it FATMANS OBESITY or PETER RAMOS' LETHARGY
Warning to LBJ: DONT GET HIGH ON YOUR OWN SUPPLY cuz like Monie Love say "Somebody's fryin' bacon / Without realizin' the great risk they're takin" (Swiney Swiney, 1990)
WHile dont wish the cancer on nobody obviously all that jawing cam back to haunt him. all that chewing the cud of arrogance.
ANother possible cause:
VINCENT GALLO PUT A CURSE ON HIM!!! Vincent aint friends with LBron james but you now who he IS friends with??? BRAYLON EDWARDS!!! [*3]
Vincent Gallo used his famous aboriginal BONE POINTING execution technique. Chloey Sevigny is the only one who has survived it!!!
WHAT VINCENT GALLO STARTED WE WILL FINISH TONIGHT WHEN WE LIVE TWEET THE WIZ/CAVS GAME!!! (ON ESPN! TONIGHT!)
[*1] "Pot of hate" should not be confused with "Pot of Hate" charity organization founded by Scott Skiles
[*2] Naming right are a serious business. Here a an amazing and TRU story about naming rights. SO you know how they had those Washington Bullets cruises back in the day?? You would pay for cruise and on the boat would be current and former Bullets players and coaches and their wives and you get your normal cruise but also get to watch your wife rub sunscreen on tim legler and play shuffleboard with jeff ruland [*4] and smoke cigarettes with rod strickland in the wave pool and go to matchmakers brunch with Susan OMalley while your kids watch the crew feed Gheorghe Muresan. Well u know how in 1998 the Bullets changed their name to Wizards? Well what you might not know is that the cruise company had signed a 10 year agreement to operate Bullets Cruises so even after the name of the team was changed the bullets cruise kept sailing until the team filed a lawsuit but the ship refused to dock in american waters so was protected by international maritime law but amazing thing is, some of the 1997 Bullets were still on board!!!! They sailed around the world for 2 years until the livestock were eaten or died and the cruise directors had to find anotherway to stay afloat so they started hosting offshore gambling and smuggling e-waste and running secret cargos of "gherkin" from west africa. Then Bullets Cruise was seized by Somalian pirates!!!! The pirates said they would shoot Ashraf Amaya dead. Abe Pollin said he wanted a "proof of life". The pirates delivered a size 16 mandal. Abe Pollin said I dont pay pirates! The pirates said if you dont pay then we shoot. Abe Pollin offered to swap DeShawn Stevenson for the release of all the former bullets on board. This sent the pirates into a rage. Pretty soon things got desperate and AShraf Amaya, Jaren jackson and Matt Fish huddled up and decided they had do something because "if the pirates dont kill us then Jonny Rickets will, cause we just ate the last on the non-dairy creamer lets roll yo", and they staged a mutiny and overpowered the pirate captain and put him on a rowboat and put him to sea and they took control of the cruise ship and set sail until they landed on the shores of a distant island with bountiful foods and topless natives and exotic animals (Matt Fish became an amateur Naturalist!) and they decided they were going to stay and live out their lives in paradise and they did until the Rhode Island park police arrested them for indecent exposure
[*3] Vincent Gallo is also friends with our own intern August Stringberg! They are collaborating on a series of Miller Lite webisodes for showtime.com based on the 19th Century erotic works of Gilles Neret starring DANE COOk!!!!
[*4] Jeff Ruland only came aboared because he actually though he was attending a "Mullets Cruise"