Thursday, May 08, 2008
Ahhh, another summer of bitter regret and minor surgeries.... ...but enough about us!!!!!
Lets have a look at what the Wizards players will be upto this offseason!!!
Oleksiy Pecherov is goin fishin!!! Longtime readers know that every summer is a fishing trip tradition down south with Christian Laettner (Captain) and Jared Jeffries (Rods n Reels) and Peter John Ramos (Human Chum Scoop). Well this summer they are down two men!!!! Jared Jefferies has decided to stay in New York this summer cuz he has busy plans ever since he moved into a loft in Williamsburg Brooklyn with those It Kids THE MISSHAPES. Suddenly JJ aint got time for his old buddies fishing trip! No hes too busy thrifting and DJing and curating polaroid shows and removing Geordon Nicols hand from his thigh and being Grand Marshall at this years Pabst Blue Ribbon Big Wheel Invitational at McCarren Park Pool and modelling Imitation of Christs new Big & Tall line on area runways.
Party John? Oh he had his license revoked by Department of Fish & Game for strangling a dolphin with his bare hands.
Im too cool 4 skool! Right now Im standing in the vomit of an American Apparel model!!!!
Dont hate me because Im beautiful!
Nick Young & Andray Blatche: Summer League is when the basketball season really starts for Big Dray! These guys have both made committment to bulking up and living healthy this offseason so they r kicking of the summer by hosting an huge 80s Fitness Party at Tyson Sport & Health Club!!! Biz markie will DJ the aerobics, with Jane Fonda's Prime Time Workout on the big screens, while the players and guests tone down in day-glo spandex, cream tights and leg warmers!
Antonio Daniels will be teaching Jive as a Second Language at Wheaton College! Way to give back Brown Hornet!!
Roger Masonwill follow a long tradition of DC free agents and sign with Detroit! Also following tradition, he has to spend his rookie year in Detroit driving Ben Wallace's 1997 Honda Accord (still tricked out with in-dash Playstation One console!)
Darius SOngalia will spend his summer playing for the Lithuanian Olympic team in CHina!!Li-Town!!! Chi-town!! Pride!!! SARS!!! Nick Young puts in an order for 40 tubes of "that 99 cent Colgate they got at the Duty Free." The team fails to get to the medal round but Songalia spends his free time running Ma-Jong games in Beihai Park where his wiley skillz earn him the nickname Baitu ('The White Rabbit') among locals.
Speaking of travels... to show his thanks for a breakout season,Brendan Haywood takes shooting coach Dave Hopla on 6-week Eurorail trip!!! When they hit Amsterdam, Hopla takes in the legalized prostitutes, open-air jazz clubs, sets a cafe record for huffing 307 consecutive skunk bowls and announces "Oh God Ive wasted my life!!!!!!" Re-dedicates himself to coaching young American backpackers on their joint-rolling technique.
Caron Butler donates an undisclosed organ to Abe Pollin!
A busy offseason for Gilbert ARenas! In an effort rehab his knee 'responsibly' Agent Zero scales back his physical conditioning to appropriate levels: running two-a-days with the Lithuanian Olympic team, and sprinting up and down the Lincoln memorial steps each morning naked with a parachute on his back and cinder blocks strapped to his thighs. Gil camps out in front of the Towson Best Buy to be first in line for the DVD release of Gnome Named Gnorm. When picked up by Ernie Grunfeld to discuss his new contract, Gil, fresh off playing 50 straight hours of Grand Theft Auto IV, forgets where he is and carjacks Ernie at knifepoint!Barack Obama tries to distance himself for Gil when Defense Department reconnaissance photos reveal Gazo The Pranksta's animation studios in North Korea receiving delivery of Uranium centrifuges. Gil decides to take up yoga in the offseason. Flips a coin to decide between Ashtanga and Bikram. Heads: Ashtanga, Tails: Bikram. Coin comes up Tails. Gil chooses Ashtanga. When he discovers "Puzzling At Altitude", "Plotting The Takeover"" and "Accessing The Hollywood" are not real yoga poses, he organizes a squad of rival Bikram students and leads a no-mercy paintball raid against his yoga class.
Dominic McGuire is invited on Entertainers with Byron Allen. Byron actually thinks he has booked Dominic Monaghan but D-Mac, being a true professional, never lets on, and patiently answers Byron's questions about dating Evangeline Lilly, the difficulties of acting in large rubber Hobbit feet and even teaches Byron how to do a Manchester accent!
Etan Thomas spends the summer as a fellow at New Hampshire's prestigious Macdowell Colony for writers, where he causes something of a stir. Fellow resident Carolyn Forche stuns friends when she returns from the colony wearing a West African mud-cloth sarong and releases Blue Hour 2: The Skin Trumpeter - a work of free verse urban erotica about a middle-aged poet who is sexually awakened by the dark charms and strong hands of Taj, a West African slave reincarnated as the owner of a Harlem jazz club.
Antawn Jamison forgets he is still wired for TNTs "Mic'ed Up" segement and all summer long we get to hear him singing along to Richard Marx in the elevator, drunk dial Susan O'Malley, and test new nicknames on his family ("OK from now on y'all gotta' call me 'The Go' when we go out. You kids gotta call me that too, I don't wanna' hear no more 'Dad' business- it's THE GO from now on and we all gonna' be on board for this and that's just the way it's gonna' be").
DeShawn Stevenson finally shaves his beard, and gets a new tattoo that says "BEARD" where his beard used to be. DeShawn has a long summer to develop his trash. Lotta people been slamming DeShawn Stevenson for letting his wild brain take a walk in his mouth this season, saying his breath blow brassier than Fred Wesley and that LeBron put that brass in pocket cuz he is nothing but a Pretender. And these are mostly the same people who said we should have never signed DeShawn and we should have thrown those pesos at the man they call 'La Bomba' ('The Sardine'), aka Juan Carlos Navarro, but be careful what you wish for armchair analists, because DeShawn earned every last penny as an entertainer and that counts for alot and things could have been much worse as you will see in this timeline of the alternate universe in which we signed the Spanish Junker:
October: JCN and Anderson Verejao make friendly bet on who can go the longest without bathing.
December: Begins blogging for El Mundo, where he admits he is dating Joy Behar.
January: Appears in an episode of the telenovela Tierra de Pasiones as a grape farmer with an eye patch and a mysterious past.
February: Video of an impromptu drinking contest with veteran matador Jose Ortega Cano becomes small youtube hit in Spain.
Throws a Don Juan themed birthday bash at Club Love. JCN and his entourage turned away by doormen for being underdressed, spend rest of the evening by the hot dog cart in their Ed Hardy party shirts catcalling women.
March: Verejao bet begins to take toll: JCN misses 12 games due to 'mange'.
Claim that Mussolini was 'underrated' earns a 2 game suspension.
April: Fined by league for making offensive and elaborate "Chupe Mantequilla de mi Culo" gesture at Daniel Gibson during Game One. Gibson responds "With Juan Carlos it is kind of funny. If I had anything to say to Juan it would be like Fat Joe saying something bad about Menudo. There's no comparison. Enough said." For Game 3, JCN flies in former Menudo members Fernando and Nefty Sallaberry to sit courtside. The Sallaberry brothers get drunk and are ejected in the 2nd period for exposing themselves to Dominique Dawes.
JCN reveals he lied about his age on his immigration papers and is in fact 43 years old. As punishment, the NBA voids the Kwame Brown/Caron Trade. Wizards are swept.
AS FOR US WIZZNUTZZ????
Well Jaarko has spent enuff summers chopping onion as Herring Boy at the Borga Segelsallskap Yacht Club and this year is off to be counselor at Aava Camp! Go Jaarko!!! He will be teaching the kids to tie nooses and how to identify different meats in the wild. But before all that responsibilites comes the first night when older counselors get happy drunk and make new friends! Jaarko sends us a picture!!
Meantime August Strindberg is 'devastated' by exciting news that he will be hired as script supervisor for new Charles Oakley cooking show CAFE OAK!!! Besides his job of injecting turgid gravity into O-Towns cheffin' banter, August will also provide comic relief in a small recurring cameo as an angry butcher!!!!
As for me I will spend next few weeks back in Saginaw trying to find a vet for my mothers handyman lover Jerry W. Wilkins. Sad part is Jerry doesnt even have any pets but the things a boy will do for his mama!!!
We will also be here from time to time to change the sawbust in Kens box and we also have some exciting Mothering Hut fashions to bring you so stay safe, stay close, stay pliant!!
So far the summer has been pretty calm for Gilbert Arenas. When he's not rehabbing his knee he is fulfilling his NBA Live 08 spokesman duties with the glee of Gollum in a Zales showroom.
Its is the most exciting Washington Wizards / Video Game partnership since Kevin Duckworth graced the cover of Muncher!! and since Ed, Edd 'n Eddy: The Mis-Edventures cancelled its affiliation with Eddie Jordan, Eddie Murray and Eddie Money after a disasterous game launch where Eddie Money kept yelling:
Gimme some water! Cause I shot a man on the Mexican border!
and Eddie Jordan swallowed a sharpie and Eddie Murray shouted "DONT TALK TO THEM EDDIE!!" and slapped a reporter.
He said when he was on vacation he was in a place that had no crime and no poor people! No not McLean, its called TAHITI!!!
NOw we know with Agent Zero he has a lively mind. If David Stern hadnt banned the odious racist practice of Phrenology in NBA medicals, you would see that Gilberts brain is divided into into two lobes: The Kidder Lobe, thats a funny place, and the Margot Kidder lobe, also funny, also very scary sometimes.
"Yes," he said. "I want to buy an island. Because Diana Ross has an island. Marvin Brando had an island."
ISLAND INCITES:
1. This is not first time Gilbert has dreamed of Island Life:
Lately I've been dreaming I'm playing basketball on a desert island. That's all there is on the island-just the court, water lapping right up to the edge of the blacktop. It's just water all out there. Deep. Then I notice there are fans out in the waves, circling us.
When we did epic Agent Zero INCITE last season we explained that Psychoanalist and original MILF Hunter Sigmund Freud calls this dreamin "SELF ESTRANGEMENT":
Why is Gilbert hiding himself away deeper than Calvin Booth in a box score???
Well for one thing he has been hiding from his girlfriends Lawyers. But if you asked a man named Heidegger, who invented a magic 8 Ball you don't EVER want to shake, he will tell you that "self-estrangement" means agent zero is confronting the fears of an unauthentic life. An "unauthentic life" is when you have a public ego which is like the big billboard version of yourself outside the Verizon center, but inside you are wrestling with lifes banality, which is like wrestling with Awvee Storey but in your brain instead of the team bus.
2. Yes, Diana and Brando bought islands. SO did many celebrities.
Raymond Burr bought one. He told the locals "They Call Me MISTER Bonobo!"
Rod STewart bought the island shaped like England in that crazy "The World" development in Dubai where they make islands in shape of map of the world. Rod isnt popular with his neighbors there after he waded over to Diego Maradona's "Argentina" island and urinated on the Falklands!
And Mel Gibson bought Mago island in Polynesia for $15 million from Japan's Tokyu Corporation. Scary part is, Gibsons island has inhabitants and they are not very happy, hell no i bet they arent after they saw Apocalypto and The Bounty (aka "The Good SHip Brown Sugar Tits") and after he announced plans to remake Bird On A Wire in the native language, according to his original vision , "before the Hollywood Jewed it up"
3. Will Gilbert call his Island "SAN HIPPOLITO"???
4. What is Gilberts intention for getting island?
Is it to create socialist utopia with culture based on free expression and an economy based on "SWAG"?
Does he want to be like Mister Roarke and drive around in an orange, safari-top Dodge Aspen station wagon with Awvee Storey, granting twisted wishes to wealthy but unfulfilled washed-up B-listers like Sammy Davis Jr. and Audrey Landers and Christian Laettner???
Is Agent Zero having a mental breakdown like Paul Gauguin or ex-Orioles outfielder Jeffry "Kurtz" Hammonds and hoping to escape vertigo of western progress by running to a calming world of fruit and nakedness and wideopen crazy?
Does Gil want his own country to rule, aka a Wi-Fi Dictablanda where Agent Zero imagines himself in role of ancient Spartan Philosopher King, squashing snubs for the betterment of all, a benevolent dictator who is latest in long-line of self-appointed enlightened despots like Francisco Franco and Oliver Cromwell and Alderman George Unseld??
5. When Gilbert said how Marvin Brando bought an Island, was he actually thinking of Marlon Brando in the movie "The Island Of Dr Moreau"???
Does Gil have a fantasy of setting up an island of MANIMALS to control with his mad science and primal legislaturez????
Does he want to dress up in a white mumu like Brando and have a mini-me version of himself to satisfy a mad narcissism and to play co-op Halo with??
Ma Brand looks like a Cleveland Park pyschologist or Wes Unseld on casusal fridays!!!
But Gilbert doesnt need to dream about having an island like this, because THIS ISLAND ALREADY EXISTS!!!!
Its called HERZOG ISLAND! and its in his backyard, right in the Potomac. Dont believe it?? Just cuz they didnt teach herzog island in your Montgomery College Geography class dont mean its not so.
And Herzog is already teeming with half man, half animal freaks. They are the sad, cruel bio-refugees that escaped from Abe Pollin's evil In Vitro Farm, the top secret eugenics program he ran under the Cap Center to "Breed A Winner" for Washington.
We reported before on the evidence:
Recently declassified "LEDELL EXPERIMENT"!!! Witness the horrible results: Ledell Eackles , (aka "Ledell Eakles Prototype 3BETA. Nonviable. Destroy At Maturity.") hiding in Neckless shame in the shadows of his own fate!
Witness Manute Bol: his mother a 4'7" Baltic Jockey, his father.... "ANONYMOUS".
Witness the 9 hours erection, the REAL reason Muggsy Bogues is out of the league!
Michal Jordan calls Wizards teammates Mules. Mules atre INFERTILE. Former Bullets , Celibate Rifles!! MJ finds "leprauchauns" in his shrubs one night, parts ways with team shortly after.
WITNESS recentrly unveiled documentation: Kevin Duckworth is thirteen years old!!!
For many years these poor monsters have been living happily out of sight, under the protections of Wes Unseld who Abe put in charge of "Care Of Magical Creatures", though now and then there is an accidental "encounter" like the time the Park Service shot dead a "wild boar" on a tennis court. A "boar" that was wearing jewerly and Burberry cologne with a copy of Smooth Magazine in his pocket and an iPod shuffle filled with only songs of El DeBarge, and the Ranger who swore he heard that boar scream, "There is no pain! There is no law!" before he took him down.
For many years offseason moves for bullets went like this:
Abe Pollin would dispatch Wes Unseld on "scouting trips" aka 2 tickets to a Terps game and a whole summer sleeping on benches in area playgrounds. Then Wes would report back to Abe with a short list of young local players who didn't try and rob him. Then Abe would bring in prospects for a workout: basically to test their skillz carving turkeys for charity events and going head-2-head with Susan OMalley in dance Dance Revolution on the N64. Then Abe tells John Nash "draft me that Calbert Cheaney!" even though we already have Calbert Cheaney on the team, so J Nash says "sure Boss" and drafts some other shooting guard with low self esteem. Then the whole cycle starts aphresh
But thingz done changed since EGrunf taken charge!
CUZ EGrunf loves the Eastern European WHite Man!!!
E Grunf employs half of Eastern europes athletes!
Hes turning Wiz into "EASTERN BLOC MOTORS"!
-He got the Kapsukan King, DSOng. -Then he got BIG OILY, pure OPEC grade Ukranian Crude. -Then he wasnt done and he got Vladimir Veremeenko and VDub aka V2 aka "Meenk DeVille"!!!
EGrunf loves nothing more than heading east for a working vacatiuon in the Low Bloc come summer!! And as much EGrunf loves eastern europe, they love him 10 times that much because he is their lifeblood!! he is a mini-economy to himself, young men be growing up in high school wanting to be coal sorters or engineers and teachers be like "yo stop dreaming, be realistic and become a euro-pro basketballk player, theres security in that!!" they even have guidance ads for hi school grads that the governement shows, being like "Theres ALways work at the post office!"
EGrunf is their pipleine to the NBA, like how Stalin had the "Road of Bones" Egrunf has "Road of Former Soviet Jeff Malones"!!!!
He gathers so much tall white wood they call him TIMBALAND over there!! And when he comes to visit - whether he's playing kadima in a speedo bythe Sea of Azov , or taking in Ukraine Super-League game from fuel trader Viktor Pinchuk's suite, or guest lecturing in Medieval Culture at Belarus PolyTech - he is treated like greatest of royalty.
There is a whole industry to just making him happy:
-comped townhouse in Kiev's posh Krecshatik nabe, -complimentary Nevmirov vodka waiting for him the fridge, -first class Blyadis aka the Bear geishas of Odessa to satisfy his every whim, (and when he tips the bear geishas he does so with special issue hrivna currency that have his face on them courtesy of Ukrainian Finance Ministry !!! )
SO, we were very suprised this year at NBA draft when Ernie went domestic.
But we arent bitter. We love the picks! The draft left a great lasting taste in our mouths, like Chinese Topol!!
(It sure turned out better than the Blogger Draft where we were picked by the Knicks at number 23!!! Jaarko was halfway upstate on the SARS Express when he realized it was only a mock draft!!! )
Sure it is true, like Agent Steinz predicted, that in our hearts we hoped for Petteri Koponen, aka the Finnish Bengali Rifle, to be drafted.
For one he has incredible steady hands, fast and strong that he got that way from a lifetime of gutting fish, he has fish-firm hands of Gollum!! But also, as a Finlander, he is used to never sleeping through winter season, like Gilbert Arenas!!!! They would be great workout partners for 4 in the morning, when both their circadian rhythms are crazier than Danas are backstage at a T-Pain concert!
We also were hoping maybe wizards would draft Morris ALmond.
Morris ALmond sounds like a guy who sold leisure suits in 1975 Philli, does he not??!!! "I still remember when the Ohio Players came in my store...." ... yo Morris we love hearing your stories!!! But The main reason we wanted Morris Almond, actually the only reason, is that when he would bunk with Cal Booth in summerball, everyone could call them by the nicknames: "ALMOND JOY and MOUNDS" !!!!
But we are very excited to have NICK YOUNG!!!! From what Agent Steinz reports, Nick will be charisma insurance for wizards foir years to come. With Gil and Nick together in lockerrom, its gonna be Trick AND Treat, japes city, like a long lost Wayans brothers pilot!!! Dont get me wrong, big Oily's Gregory Hines impression from White Knights is hilarious, but how you think thats gonna go down in THE TWO SIX O???
Gil will be extra motivated this summer. For preparing for new season of basketball yes, but mostly for preparing for new season of practical jokes!!
And Nick will be perfect comedy sidekick for Gil. Every great comedian had a sidekick. Pryor had WIlder. Seinfeld had Kramer. CHeech had Chong. Hall had Gnorm. !!!
"People see God every day, they just don't recognize him." -Pearl Bailey
We were enjoying our torpid vacation of apres putt-putt and curing bologna on the roof of August's Ford Focus and Jarrko had just finished painting his "Moomintrolls: Pets or Meat" sign when we was disturbed by three things:
1/ HAte Mail we got from Paul Chaon TRU FACT! Paul's cavalier spelling, foul temper and repeat use of word "salty" make us thinking: FUTURE INTERN!!!
2/ Gilbert Arenas saying he will opt out of his contract and triggering hysteria that Agent Zero will leave DC, maybe to Detroit where he can be closer to his Halo Team!!!
But We r not afraid. Opting out of contract is standard procedure, its not unusual in the way, like say when Kwame Brown opted out of his foreskin during 2002 Wizards summer league. Wizznutzz Hon. Intern Unsilent Majority goes on Deadspin to set tha record straight! 3/ We get A supa-hot EXLUSIVE tip comes in from Superfan John Moe!!!!
Hey Guys,
This seemed like something you might be interested in. Tom Newell, son of legendary coach Pete Newell, is organizing a game this weekend in Seattle with 11-foot hoops in order to cut down on dunking (and excitement and interest). The roster is mostly scrubs/alums of local colleges but in the mix is Shammgod Wells, the former God Shammgod.
In CHI-TOWN They call Agent Zero DA JIANG JUN "THE GENERAL"!!!! because he is peerless and commanding in the league!
LeBron James, why they call him "Xiao Huang Di" aka "Little Emperor"!!! Haha!
Carmelo Anthony they call "Tian Gua" aka "Sweet Melon" double haha when we tell u Rasheed Wallace tried to buy the rights to Sweet Melon off Melo for 3 million Yen!
And in China they call Black Marvin, CHris Porter and BB Waldon "THE THREE GORGES". WHo r thoise dudes u ask?? WHy they are US starz in CBA, CHinese Basketball Association, but not as big a star as God Shammgod who they called "SHAMMGOD WELLS"!!!!
aka aka Happy Meals!!!!
IN this SO AWESOME ARTICLE and THIS ONE ALSO we find God playing 4 TaiYuan, Shanxi Province (Its like Beltsville but with more mopeds and the pollen has wings!)
Yes its old story now. Lots of people talked about it, including our friend Henry who had best GOD headline of tha lot:
It took us long time to finish it because we just kept rereading the line:
"I traveled to the dusty, dingy burg and found God in the second-rate hotel across the street "
But when we did finally read we learn its true that "God is in the Details" and those details are:
God Eating only McDonalds, God showering in lockerooms filled with smoke from cigarettes, Gods voice transmitting from heavens via a Skype account, God dreaming of going back to NBA or at least going to Outback Steakhouse in Shanghai.
U always have a home here God! We believe! We saw the face of Ledell Eackles on a grilled cheese sandwich.! We cant wait for the day when God is honored at a Bullets old-timers night, weighing 300 pounds, with a hacking cough, stinking of sweet n sour sauce, crossing up Pervis, talking trash in Mandarin!
It was funny thought to read this spring of God among the heathen Chinee, seeing as a week prior we had got an additional, bonus EXLCUSIVE INCITE in our colecovision inbox from Sperfan SETH!!
Seth wrote in from Portland, HOME OF THE SEA DOGS!!!
I don't know you, you don't know me, but I know that you enjoy yourGod Shammgod. I need to tell you that I randomly saw him in Vancouver, Washington playing in an IBL game last Saturday for the Portland Chinooks. I had no idea he would be present, so you can imagine my delight. But anyways, I have 6 Updates for you:
1) He is officially going by "Shammgod Wells" again.
Best part is when we went to investigate the IBL we find that it only costs like 20 Grand to buy a franchise!!! Now our plan is to sell enough SILENCE=BACON T-SHirts to raise the 20K to buy an IBL team and run it like rotisserie league building a dreamteam of our fave all-time wizznutzz allstars:
We would turn into Eastern Motors "ENTERTAINER LEAGUE" with 8 ft hoops, and trampolines and travelling across the country playing in Circuit City parking lots and have DC celeb coaches, like Gilbert "Gil The Thrill" Arenas Senior and WOlf Blitzer (tho u know when he slips into gameday coaching velour he callz himself 'Honeybear") and Nils and Chico DeBarge and for halftime entertainment we rescue SKydog(tm) from Qyntel Woods/Mike Vicks "Q-Skool" Dog Fighting Academy and return him to arena where he does what he is meant to do: no , not detect cancer in the owners booth! catch frisbees for poor folk!!!
RONNIE MERVIS, The King Of Bling, the man who really feeds Latrell SPreewells family, the man who took Gherorghe Muresan's childhood coal collection and turned it into the 4 carat cufflinx Big George wore to the My Gaint premiere, has taken xtra precious time away from being the Diamond Dawg of the District to counsel Darvin ham in his time of need!!!!
RMerv even lavishes our V-I3 grade comment board! Ronnie is a true king, his grace is flawless, he has big heart and is a good sport and is celebrity intern-for-life of wizznutzz. We hope this is beginning of special relationship of friends and maybe one day bizness partners??!!! You think we trust Pink Topaz 'Silence Equals Bacon" shirts to Donyell Marshalls chinatown jeweller???
So it is a shame that our next offseason profile focuses on a pretender to the throne, a bad sport and sworn enemy of the wizznutzz:
OFFSEASON PROFILE #2 MICHAEL 'SALIERI' JORDAN
aka
Learning to hate again
aka
'Te somnia nostra reducunt'
Longtime wizznutzz readers know our feelings about Salieri.
Let me make a summary for u if u dont:
Michael Jordan is a WHORE. He is a bitter, adultering narcisitist, who awoke one day to find he had been eclipsed by his own shoes and to find his legend lay crumbled around his swollen feet in an Ozymandian rubble, and decided in moment of desperate grandiosity to ride into Washington DC on a tired mule, molest the small-handed genius and prized manchild KAWME BROWN with the bad touches of vile jealousy, climb into a burlap sack with a possum called "Legacy", emerge black-eyed and pink-slipped in defeat, flee town with a mob on his heel, leaving behind his icepacks and reputation and a city crushed by the heel of his ego and by humiliation and by a massive oversupply of uncooked concession meats.
Here is Premier Magazine's list of top 7 all-time most blatant celebrity VANITY PROJECTS:
7. Madonna's EVITA (1996) 6. Mariah Carey's Glitter (2001) 5. Melanie Griffith's Milk Money (1994) 4. Robert Duvall's Assassination Tango (2002) 3. Kim Yong Il's Pulgasari(1985) 2. Michael Jordan's Washington Wizards (2001-3) 1. Minnie Driver's The Governess (1998)
(This list shouldnt be confused with Vanity Fair's list "Biggest Heads In Hollywood" which is a list of actual celebrity head weights. Its confusing because of word "Vanity" and also because Minnie Driver was #1 on that list too. Her head was so big they had to measure it using water displacement equipment Graydon Carter borrowed from his private equine vet.)
SO WHAT HAS SALLY BEEN UP TO???
In the good old days of the NBA we would never have heard from him again. If he was a star back in the 70s, when he retired, the league would own all the rights to his image and name, and MJ would have a musty room in a halfway house, sinking an already meager league pension into bad investment deals, and washing down his mexican arthritis medicine with one measure strawberry wine, 2 measures despair. Instead he's cashed up and all over the place these days, causing more of a scene than one of Mike Vicks dogs in the gameroom with a Kong full o greenies:
1. LE DIVORCE
Its back on!
Forbes calls MJs upcoming divorce 'costliest ever', wizznutzz calls it 'the first stone'
Costly indeed! Mad Money's Jim CRamer downgraded Malaysian Manufacturing Futures to "FLUSH" on hearing the news!
Details of the settlement are still being hammered out. In fact MJ has been in hi-powered talks with his legal team (see below foto) to determine how much of his estate he will be losing.
Early reports suggest Juanita will get 150 million and share joint custody of Leonard Hamilton, while MJ retains control over his insatiably empty heart, his collection of vintage chenille varsity letters (all strangely scarlet 'A's), his fathead wall sticker of Doug Collins, a shoebox of unopened letters from Michael WIlbon, 3 Million 'DIner Reward Points' redeemable at any area MVP Restaurant, Eddie Rush's black book, Kevin Bacon's underpants and the secret recipe to 'Jordan, By Michael' cologne (Juanita insisted the barrels, labelled 'Property of Bijan', be removed before mating season cuz they attract aggressive deer to the property)
Juanita released the following prepared statement through her lawyers:
"The hot night makes us keep our bedroom windows open. Our magnolia blossoms. Life begins to happen. My hopped up husband drops his home disputes, and hits the streets to cruise for prostitutes, free-lancing out along the razor's edge. This screwball might kill his wife, then take the pledge. Oh the monotonous meanness of his lust. . . It's the injustice . . . he is so unjust-- whiskey-blind, swaggering home at five. My only thought is how to keep alive. What makes him tick? Each night now I tie ten dollars and his car key to my thigh. . . . Gored by the climacteric of his want, he stalls above me like an elephant."
2. HANGING WITH TIGER WOODS
How nice Salieri and Tiger are pals! Right! This is just another in a long line of MJ's media-staged 'friendships' that r as genuine as a Space Jam screen kiss. Like when Mike used to 'hang out' with Michael Jackson in that JAM song like they was in an African American version of 'Perfect Strangers'!!
Did ya CHeck out another of MJs corporate populist 'FRIENDS' (TM): AHmad Rashaad in that video! ?! A-Raad be SPortin' a circa 91 outfit fresh from SPike's Joint in Fort Greene!!
Wanna be friends with Michael Jordan? Heres how you do it:
A. Submit tax receipts from last 4 years to David Falk. He will use Net Worth calcualtor to determine if you r financially suitable mate
B. If you are rich but not rich enough to pass step A, then there is a one time 'BUY-IN' price set to ONE MILLION DOLLARS
Here is Dale Earnhardt presenting MJ with his friendship dowry at the recent NASCAR Nextel Open:
Dale and MJ, now BFF4EVER*!!! (*subject to annual maintenance charges and adjustment for inflation)
3. SPARRING PARTNERZ
Next, Sally headed to VEGAS (where no one bets '23-Black' when he's in town cuz of a local superstition
Mike took in the Merriweather De La Hoya fight:
MJ and Jack Nicholson try to suck each others souls out using the dementors kiss but find the wells are dry and have to order Executive Nachos instead to wash the ashy taste out of mouths.
No wonder DeLa Hoya lost! Check out tha shoes!! He's wearin custom Red Malay Tru-Pleather Air Brimleys!!!! Say it aint so De La noSoul!!!! Oscar's part of the 23MULEMAN stable!!
4. ACE OF CLUBS
SUperfan RAY sent us these pix of Michael Jordan recently in the K STREET LOUNGE trawling for future young adultresses!!!
He made sure to bring his superagent The Bird Of Prey to hand out condoms and confidentiality agreements
Meanwhile MJs fave bookie, Jimmy 'The Rat' Lynam worked the rails in a pair of dust bowl overalls (boasting a bejwelled shamrock on the bib) and took numbers from drunk debutantes on his steno pad, eyeing the track cops while nervously popping lemon drops into his tight lips
6. LEROY
And FInally, last weekend MJ headed out to a celeb junket at the opening of Sol Kerzner's latest mauve stucco marine tax-shelter travesty: The Cove Atlantis on Paradise Island, to help celebrate Stevie WOnders birthday, lose a cool million and make the following widely reported move on young model Sara Kova
At Thursday's birthday party for Stevie Wonder at the Cove, [Kova] was taken aback when single-again Michael Jordan did a fast break in her direction. "He was walking so intensely, I was a little nervous," she recalls. "He said, 'Hi, who are you? I'm Leroy.' I knew he was Michael Jordan, but I played along. He asked if I wanted to come out on a boat with his friends. I passed on that one, but we did party together later at Aura." -NY Daily News
'LEROY' ????
Is 'Leroy' MJs nom de whore???
WHy 'Leroy' ?? Names have riddles of meaning, like 'Hibachi' means 'Whats Cookin Okasan!' and "Kwame' is african for 'baby hands' and 'FALK' is 'Falcon' in Yiddish. (Its tru fact look it up.)
Well wizznutzz have got to the bottom of this. How did we crack this secret code of yours MJ??? Like Woody Woodpecker floats to the smells of a hot windowsill pie, we pick up the scent of vanity and decay.
LEROY IS DERIVED FROM OLD FRENCH 'Le Roi' MEANING:
WHich leads to next queastion: What is french word for 'DOUCHE' ???
IS THIS REALLY THE BEAHVIOUR OF A KING???
SOme have a theory that Sally has been p-O.P.P.-ing up everyplace as part of cunning plan to raise profile of the Charlotte Bobcats but we know thats Jive and that Bob Johnson has actually just lifted 9-month social ban on MJ which he got as punishment for losing Jeff McInnis in a poker game.
Herez another Fench word for you,
"REVENANT"
it means a ghost that returns home after death many years later to haunt site of former glories, like Gene SHue hangin around the Green Turtle in college Park playing quarters and trying to score digits from sorority girls. Thats MJ: hanging around the league like an embarrasing expatriate frat boy. We wrote about it before, and so did Graham Greene and GDubs should know, cuz GDubs also wrote "I aint afraid of no ghosts!!!"
Salieri isnt a king, he is only an old kid playing king in the sand, building castles and when u build castles in the sand you get 2 things:
Sandcastles and an Empty Bucket
That empty bucket is the soul of michael jordan and just as time washes the hands of vanity, the high tide reclaims kingdoms built of sand and the empty bucket is left, listing on the edge of the shore in teasing winds, a big open empty eye forced to gaze forever upon the dreadful scene of endless sands, 'lone and level , boundless and bare', where no footprint survives the day, an open empty mouth upon whose hard salty lips the winds whistle "Is it in you?"
Friday, May 18, 2007
All summer long we will be checking in with Wizards and Wizznutzz playas to update you on their offseason motionz!
OFFSEASON PROFILE #1 DARVIN HAM
Our senior intern Darvin was planning to spend this summer forming a Wheaton chapter of THE ORDER OF THE GILBERTINE but instead he has rushed to Sagninaw to be by his mother's side in her time of need. As we reported before HERE and HERE former Saginaw Mayor Wilmer Jones-Ham has been charged with fraud and arson and now she has a court date!!!
She has been released on 'Personal Recognisance Bond' awaiting trial and has had GPS implanted in her wig to stop her jumping the next coal car to the Ham family compound in Nutbush!
You all know Ronnie Mervis!! He is tha KING OF BLING and one of DCs famous "diamond brothers". He runs the business and hangs with cashed up local rollers like CLinton Portis while his brother Zed watches over the African mines and raises prize winning German Shepherds! Zed hopes to join Ronnie in the US once US Customs and United Nations soon lifts its sanctions on him that were imposed for a misunderstanding involving a 1998 cargo of 'West Indian Gherkin' that 'escaped' off the coast of Trinidad!
Our hearts and prayers r with Davrin but we know if anyone can help us it is Ronnie Mervis!!
