Wednesday, November 18, 2009
We know its been quiet around these parts. But we had a busy summer OK. Our intern AUgust Strindberg got detained in europe when he tried to sell a sexually explict, blackmarket snuff film to undercover police posing as melancholy swedish perverts. Its OK he was released a few hours later when authorities studied the tape and concluded it was actually a homemade compilation of clips of Jim McIlvaine being dunked on. But also we have been gone becasue really sometimes we think: whats left too say? There was a time we were the only blog in town but now we cant buy an incite. First came Agent Steinz with his five-dollar words and the keys to DeShawn Stevensons meat cellar. This offseason Steniz casually throws off a few lines about Chris Whitney and Jahidi White opening an armored truck business in England, a story we had been working on for six years!!! Then ballers start blogging and ballers start tweeting about their own lives, about their bowling games and their dinner at Houstons and their xbox handles. Then blogs like Bullets Forever started actually WATCHING GAMES and breaking down complex stats like Calbert Cheaneys MDD rating (Miniature Deaths Died). Then came the straw that broke the Moomintrolls back and changed the way we read sports on the internet 4ever: The washington post unleashed World Wide Wilbon!!! How can we compete with the man who invented "Mouth Twitter"???? !!!
@wzzntzz Cant stop readin WorldWideWilbon! Net hasnt seen this much Vanity since Dr Fink's sextape leaked!
So now all we do is 140 character "funcites(tm)" on the twitter box at the public library.
We twitter about all sorts of stuff, but mostly we just twitter lines right out of the 1977 Bullets media guide:
"It's been a long journey from those days in 1946 when Pollin prowled the freight yards at 4a.m"
- Thats 95 characters and its from Page 7 , tru fact I dare you to look it up
But tomorrow night Queen James and Shaq aka Shaq Foolywang aka The Last of the Moechus come to town for the biggest game of the year (we paid large money for front row so we can have unobstructed view to perform our Men Who Stare At Goats death gape) and so its time to stir up the Pot of Hate [*1] and drop our:
3rd ANNUAL 2 & 7 INCITE SPECTACULAR !!!! (featuring the footnotes of Bill Foster Simmons!)
Wizards are in freefall!!! Bodies r failing fast. Only in the Wizards broken and immutable universe could u have team with no point guards on the roster yet somehow have 4 point guards on the injury report! But Thats watcha get when you try and turn a ho into a housewife!!! Ernie spent the offseason trying to REJUVENATE the squad but now everyone walking around with the Sammy Sosa GHOSTAFCE on after hanging 6 large straight into the loss column.
Antawn delivers fiery St. Chapmans Day speech, fires up a MELONTREY and they are still picking the runts out of the ceiling tiles!!!! We havent seen old fruit fly like that since Bernard King retired!!! Protect the courtesy platters!
How did we get here? Lets take a long look back at some of the key developments that have happened since we last saw you...
THE RETURN OF THE CRAZY ONE
Gilbert is back!!!!!! But is he the Real Coq Diesel???? Yeah hes shaking off more rust than Andray Blatches retainer (a record 12 Turnovers in one game - Whats Happening Franchsie!!!! )
But when you think that just 12 months ago wiz trainers told gil "YOU WILL NEVER WALK AGAIN. Also you might be pregant" it brings tears of joy to see him swaggerjacking like his old self. After years of setbacks and pain, Gilbert called up Celebrity Trainer TIM GROVER and said "Dwayne Wade has some beautiful legs. I want some legs like that. Tim Grover: autotune my body!!!"
So Gil went back to SoBeach to get Grovercized. Cuz Grover knows knees. Even if you dont know who tim grover is, he knows who you r, he probably got a file on your knees somewhere locked in a giant warehouse including pictures of your joint taken while you slept naked. grover is obsessed with knees like gene shue was obsessed with bowel movements. Grover is the Oscar Goldman of the NBA. When it comes to the MENISCUS Tim grover is like a mixture of Caeser Millan and Josef Mengele, if Josef mengele wore a bluetooth and smelled of hand sanitizer.
First Grover broke down gils body. Grover went Paleo on his ass. Gil dropped 20 pounds!!! And his dogs lost 5! Gil was so scrawny he make christian bale look like ted leonsis. 20 pound is alot!!! Last time a DC baller lost 20 pounds is when Peter Ramos donated his burlap underpants to the Puerto Rican Museum of Natural History!
Gil was so skinny his skin got all loose and it messed up his black mount rushmore tattoos, made his Malcolm X tat look like a Gordon Parks portait of BigDaddkyKane.
And after he broke down Gilberts body, then Grover broke down his mind.
He used all sorts of classic psychological strategies, like putting Gil in a locked room with two giant piles of Mike & Ikes... one pile all Ikes, one pile all Mikes, and Gil in the middle of tha piles with a pair of tweezers and then Grover locked him in there and blasted at hi volume a video of Howard Jones concert footage from the "Dream Into Action" tour over and over and over and made the rule that everytime Gilbert hears the phrase "Hunger for the flesh" he has to move one Ike from the Ike pile to the Mike pile with the tweezers and every time he hear the phrase "Caught up in the mesh" he has to move one Mike from the Mike pile to the Ike pile and he cant stop until one of the piles is empty but its really an old Buddhist lesson on the nature of existence: now matter how many time you watch the Howard Jones video the piles are always come out even!!!!!!
It might all sound crazy but Grover did in 6 weeks what Wiz trainers couldnt do in 2 years. The Wiz trainers have been slammed by Gil and Etan Thomas and people around the league for their conditioning regimen of hand weights and Capris SUn. And it used to be even worse when we had Steve Stricker as head trainer. Steve Strickers methods were a mixture of Christian Scientist practices and whistling. Steve Stricker watched his kids gerbil one weekend and on monday at show and tell it pulled up on the wheel with a bad hammy. Steve stricker couldnt be stopped but he was stopped by the NBA finally when they took his license after he performed the worlds first reverse-gastric bypass surgery on Jahidi White.
When Gilbert returned he had a new body and a new attitude.
Gilbert announced he was stricly business and then he announced he would announce no more.
He was tired of being pulled around by the strings media press like a spastic bighearted childpuppet. He made a vow of silence. It was a shocking vow to make,, more shocking even than the time Rod Strickland vowed to never slide a spicy halfsmoke down his throat. These are vows against a mans own soul and in Rods case against his own liver which was compromised when he took to sleeping with his prescription relish patches on.
Then Gilbert renounced all monickers, inclduing, and devastatingly so, the AGENT ZERO name with which we had baptised him.
But Agent Zero belongs to the people !!!! not to you and not to us!!!! Trust us we know about who owns names [*2], we tried to patent an anti-seizure midcation in Cuba called "Lynam Chew" and even they would not recognize our claimz.
Gil declared himself changed forever, like in the Brevin Knight biography "The Lord of Rings", Gil came back as GILBERT THE WHITE.
But you cannot change a mans swagger. He is not fooling us only fooling himself and he knows better than that. No one loves movies more than Gilbert but this summer when he was getting all serious he claims the only movie he let himself watch was Sam Mendes' AWAY WE GO but the whole time he was watching it gilbert was secretly hoping the films poignant hesitation would transform itself into a giant corvette robot and destroy everything in sight. Gilbert is tying to sleep on a couch piled high with soft resolutions but will toss and turn and never dream until he steps down and pulls free the tiny pea, the stony gonzo pit, that awakes with a fury in its feathery charnel loam
REBUILD IT AND THEY WILL COME
Coming off a lost season, Ernie Grunfeld had to rebuild a team with brokedown stars, slumdog millionaires, and a dogs breakfast bench. Last year showed wiz bench is about as deep as Chaz Bonos vajayjay!!! He was faced with task of rebuilding the team and to rebuild he need a plan and he needed one fast. You know what they called people who build things and have plans? They called ARCHITEXTS
And in the NBA GMs are like architexts. There are many types of architexture in the history. They say there is only one golden rule in architexture and it was made by a guy called Pythagoras and it was called "the golden rule" and it said that a beautiful man has a head that is 1/6 the size of his armspan, but Pythagoras obviously never met JaVale McGee so we dont trust it.
Here are some types of Architexture used to build succesful NBA teams:
1. Danish Functionalism Focusses on functionality at the expense of beauty
Example of Buildings: Aarhus University, Denmark; Bojangles Gentlesmens Club, Ballart, Austrlia Example of NBA Team: San Antonio Spurs
2. American Foursquare "A reaction to the ornate and mass produced elements of the Victorian and other Revival styles, the American Foursquare was plain, often incorporating handcrafted "honest" woodwork."
Example of Buildings: Riverside Manor, Everett WA; The Gar Heard Sears Family Home No. C227 Example of NBA Team: 1990s Utah Jazz
Example of Buildings: The Palace-fortress at Masada; The Palace at Auburn Hills Example of NBA Team: The 1988 Detroit Pistons
4. Theory of Ruin Value Architecture "The concept that a building be designed such that if it eventually collapsed, it would leave behind aesthetically pleasing ruins." This nationalistic architecture tends to be severe and aspires to rule its surroundings emotionally and physically
Example of Buildings: Zeppelinfeld Nazi Party Rally Grounds, Nuremberg; Wheaton Plaza, Maryland Example of NBA Team: The New York Knicks
5. Googie Architecture "A form of novelty architecture." Populist, frivolous, and exaggerated.
Example of Buildings: Brunswick Covina Bowl, Los Angeles; Ben's Chili Bowl, Washington, DC Example of NBA Team: 1987 Washington Bullets (President: Susan O'Malley)
6. Totalitarian Architecture A monumental, megalomaniacal school of architecture that borrows from Neo-Classicism, Heroic Neo-Realism, and Brutalism. This is an architecture of self-edifice: colossal statues erected in tribute to ones self. Popular with Grecians, aspirational despots, diamond importers and others who suffer from Edifice Complex.
Example of Buildings: Hitler's Reich Chancellery; Stalin's Palace; The Zed Mervis Mausoleum Example of NBA Team: Cleveland Cavaliers
SO then what kind of Architect is Wiz own GM ERNIE GRUFELD>???
Ernie is the Civil Architect. The Civil Architect doesn't try and leave his signatures on his buildings. His designs arent gratuitous and flashy. His buildings are understated, they are efficient and if he is successful they remind you of nothing at all. An elevator button that always seems to be right where your finger is reaching; lights that arent too bright, arent to dark; DMV waiting chairs with thoughtful ergonomics but couldnt quite be called comfortable. Construction that conserves power through mass storage, passive cooling, night flushing. Night flushing - totally underrated 80s canadian rock band! When Ernie went into the offseason he dint have a lot of cash to make a statement. He had to make the best of dated technologies. While other GMs were out flipping properties, or scooping up luxury real estate, ernie was was waiting for the bubble to burst, laying prey on fiscally anxious free agents, the panicky old men.
Ernie was the guy throwing CASH 4 GOLD parties, the guy who drives around in the van eyeballing day laborers on the corner.
Ernie was following around the eviction man with a roll of singles, quietly sidling up to to piles of turned-out sidewalk property, saying to the kid "dont cry little man, your gonna be OK. Ill tell you what Ill give you $10 for your Daddys aquarium. For another 50 cents Ill take that James Ingram LP too..."
Ernie had to be smart and he had to be frugal. lets take a look at his offseason moves:
SIGNED FABRICIO OBERTO:
@wzzntzzIs that Fabricio Raul Jesus Oberto or did Christian Laettner come dressed as a rapist for halloween??
Oberto is a non-thinking mans Etan Thomas and a poor mans Marcin Gortat (Tru Fact: "Marcin" is 3rd most popular baby name in Poland. It means "Betsy")
DID NOT DRAFT DuJUAN "Hold The Ligaments" BLAIR
DID NOT DRAFT RICKY RUBIO
Ernie said "DOnt Believe the Bombo!" and lets RDubs slide through his dedos. SOme fans were angry but Ernie knew something they didnt know: that Rubio let it be known he would not play in Washington DC because Julias Empanadas refused to name a premium snack in his honor called "The Sex Pocket" aka Bosillo Sexo!
TRADED THE 2018 RIGHTS TO RICKY RUBIO ALONG ETAN THOMAS, BIG OILY an THE UNICORN SLAYER to Minnesota
The trade was a blockbuster!!!! even though it was held up for a week while Minnesota counted Etans salary (Abe flew the salary coach, all in nickels)
in return Ernie got:
Randy has lots of upside but also some downside.
DOWNSIDE: If you are getting a player as "Gilbert Insurance" why take a guy with knee problems? Why not go find a guy with the supple knees of a child? Someone like Brian Cardinal who spent much of his a life sitting on a bench with ready access to the worlds best physical trainers??
What does that mean??? It means HIS SWAG IS ABDOMINAL!!!!
Thats right Randy Foyes internal organs are reversed!!!!
This means great joy for us, as you can see by our draft day twitters:
@wzzntzzRandy Foye: scouts describe him as "slasher". Gastroenterologists describe him as "SOUTHPAW"
@wzzntzzFamous people with Situs Inversus : Catherine Ohara, Dr. No, Revolver Ocelot from Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty
@wzzntzzRFoye, like the feminien hygeine commercial sez: sometimes nature gets it wrong! Be proud of your Boggleguts RFOYE!!!
@wzzntzzRFoyes intestinal dyslexia not first example of a dc baller to have reversed parts. Cal Cheaneys hands were on wrong arms. 2 bad he was a lefty!
@wzzntzzAlso Tim Leglers nipples r reversed. & JJeffries has a marsupial pouch. No biolog reason but he keeps his Clark bars in it during practice
Oh We got so very many more where that come from!!!
- Randy Foye dresses to the left!
- Randy Foye is the real "Man in the Mirror"!!!!!
- Randy Foye is teeing off from the back 9!!!
- On the Chinese blackmarket they call Randy Foye "Devil Pieces"!!!
- Randy Foye flushes like an AUstralian toilet!!!!
WHEN GOD WAS DEVELOPING RANDY FOYE, HE SHOOK THE POLAROID!!!!!
we luv you RFOY your silly putty is a true miracle!!!!!
This a sure sign that Abe Pollin is starting up his In Vitro Farm!!!! the clandestine eugenics lab that he ran under the Capital Centre from 1992 until the day the Park Police shot a wild "boar" who stank of Burberry cologne and wore a medical anklet that read "LEDELL EACKLES EXPERIMENT No. 37. NONVIABLE. DESTROY AT MATURITY"
Maybe reveresed organs is just the first step in some fantastic leap of human evolution????
Maybe Randy Foye is like an gastrointestinal lung fish, and one day in the future men will have not just their organs reversed but their entire bodies reversed and DeShawn Stevensons son will have a giant tattoo on his back that reads: "NOS SNWAHSED" !!!
The two were nearly inseparable.... Miller used to have that monkey everywhere he went, including to the mall, where Sonny would ride around on Miller's shoulder....
Sonny had his own bedroom, but "I didn't have no kids, so he got to post up wherever he wanted," Miller said. He would get food from the fridge whenever he was hungry; grapes were a particular favorite. He loved playing billiards, though "he wouldn't use a pool stick, he'd just throw the balls"...
"You would always put him in his room, and then we'd lock the door, and then we'd put the dogs out, and then we'd lock the front door. Well, he found out how to unlock doors, unlocked his door, went downstairs, let the dogs in the house and opened the front door. About an hour later we got a call from our neighbors, saying, 'Your monkey is riding your dogs around the neighborhood.' "....
Which brings us to Miller's sons, Mason and Mavrick. Before Mason's birth, Miller decided that Sonny was too protective, so he was given away to a sanctuary, a process he described as "emotional" and "terrible.".... They've since seen pictures of Sonny, and still have photos of him in their house, but they don't hang out any more. Miller has since grown his hair, and doesn't think his monkey would even recognize him any more.
MIke Miller and his pet monkey!!! he is like a human speed racer! Like a male David Schwimmer!!!
But seriously there is only one obvious outcome to all this:
Obviously some primal trigger will awaken inside Sonny and he will escape from his new home and spend months following Mike Millers trail across America trying to track down the father he was stolen from and of course Sonny has no pockets so he cant bring any money with him so he has to stop and work for a few weeks at a time to pay for his bus tickets, and when he makes it to DC he takes a job as Russ Thalers hairstylist and thats when he sees a picture of Mike Miller on the television and next thing you know Sonny shows up at he Verizon center one morning during practice, where he overpowers Gheorghe Muresan and races screaming onto the court where he sees Mike Miller - of course he still recognizes him!!! and his little monkey heart alsmot explodes but then he sees big JaVale McGee posting up on Mike Miller during a drill and he goes in to a furious protective rage and goes for straight for JaVale testicles (thats just their nature dont hate) but then Gilbert Arenas steps onto the court and walks right up to Sonny stares him down and sonny can tell right away that this is the Alpha Male and then he knows he doesnt have to fight because the order of dominance is established, and the rage and hate slides right out of sonny like a tainted halfsmoke and Sony leaps into Mike Millers arms and licks his face and then spends the rest of the season as the teams honorary mascot (there is probably a testicle attack on GWiz for mascot supremacy but this time probably no one steps in) and Sonny is back on Mikes shoulders and Nick Young learns how to change a diaper but when its late at night Sonny is out on the court shagging balls for the Gilbert, shagging balls nomatter how late becasue Gilbert is the Alpha and the everyone feels great and warm and Sally Jenkins wins a pultizer for her 6 part series for the Post about the great Monkey vs. Alumni football game of 1917.
Mike Miller is a natural blonde with tattoos, a brute with a gorgeous game. He has a rugged tidiness not seen in DC since Sister Christian Laettner.....
Thats right: Mike Miller is a stone cold MACHOSENSUAL!
What is a machosensual u ask? If you have to ask then u probably are not one.
Its the true science of man. (except in germany where it is legally a cult)
All that stuff is great about Mike but it is simply not enough 2 make us overlook the fact that he walked into our building wearing the Devils Hightops.
Washington Wizards guard Mike Miller, despite the urgings from his teammates, will continue to wear LeBron James' signature Nike Shoes.
The last thing we needs is another curse Mike Miller take your damn shoes off play barefoot before you get Plantar Fasciitis from your feet rebelling from their immune systems trying to destroy the shoes!!!!
Not only that but no true machosensual can wear LBJs. It would be like Burt Lancaster wearing UGG Boots during the kissing scene in From Here to Eternity!!!
WHCIH BRINGS US BACK AROUND TO LEBRON JAMES!!!
Queen James had a rough offseason.
First off he was worried he had SWINE FLU. LeBron James cant have SWINE FLU thats redundant just call it THE FLU. Lou Gehrig didnt call his own disease LOU GEHRIGS DISEASE!!!! They dont call it FATMANS OBESITY or PETER RAMOS' LETHARGY
Warning to LBJ: DONT GET HIGH ON YOUR OWN SUPPLY cuz like Monie Love say "Somebody's fryin' bacon / Without realizin' the great risk they're takin" (Swiney Swiney, 1990)
WHile dont wish the cancer on nobody obviously all that jawing cam back to haunt him. all that chewing the cud of arrogance.
ANother possible cause:
VINCENT GALLO PUT A CURSE ON HIM!!! Vincent aint friends with LBron james but you now who he IS friends with??? BRAYLON EDWARDS!!! [*3]
Vincent Gallo used his famous aboriginal BONE POINTING execution technique. Chloey Sevigny is the only one who has survived it!!!
WHAT VINCENT GALLO STARTED WE WILL FINISH TONIGHT WHEN WE LIVE TWEET THE WIZ/CAVS GAME!!! (ON ESPN! TONIGHT!)
[*1] "Pot of hate" should not be confused with "Pot of Hate" charity organization founded by Scott Skiles
[*2] Naming right are a serious business. Here a an amazing and TRU story about naming rights. SO you know how they had those Washington Bullets cruises back in the day?? You would pay for cruise and on the boat would be current and former Bullets players and coaches and their wives and you get your normal cruise but also get to watch your wife rub sunscreen on tim legler and play shuffleboard with jeff ruland [*4] and smoke cigarettes with rod strickland in the wave pool and go to matchmakers brunch with Susan OMalley while your kids watch the crew feed Gheorghe Muresan. Well u know how in 1998 the Bullets changed their name to Wizards? Well what you might not know is that the cruise company had signed a 10 year agreement to operate Bullets Cruises so even after the name of the team was changed the bullets cruise kept sailing until the team filed a lawsuit but the ship refused to dock in american waters so was protected by international maritime law but amazing thing is, some of the 1997 Bullets were still on board!!!! They sailed around the world for 2 years until the livestock were eaten or died and the cruise directors had to find anotherway to stay afloat so they started hosting offshore gambling and smuggling e-waste and running secret cargos of "gherkin" from west africa. Then Bullets Cruise was seized by Somalian pirates!!!! The pirates said they would shoot Ashraf Amaya dead. Abe Pollin said he wanted a "proof of life". The pirates delivered a size 16 mandal. Abe Pollin said I dont pay pirates! The pirates said if you dont pay then we shoot. Abe Pollin offered to swap DeShawn Stevenson for the release of all the former bullets on board. This sent the pirates into a rage. Pretty soon things got desperate and AShraf Amaya, Jaren jackson and Matt Fish huddled up and decided they had do something because "if the pirates dont kill us then Jonny Rickets will, cause we just ate the last on the non-dairy creamer lets roll yo", and they staged a mutiny and overpowered the pirate captain and put him on a rowboat and put him to sea and they took control of the cruise ship and set sail until they landed on the shores of a distant island with bountiful foods and topless natives and exotic animals (Matt Fish became an amateur Naturalist!) and they decided they were going to stay and live out their lives in paradise and they did until the Rhode Island park police arrested them for indecent exposure
[*3] Vincent Gallo is also friends with our own intern August Stringberg! They are collaborating on a series of Miller Lite webisodes for showtime.com based on the 19th Century erotic works of Gilles Neret starring DANE COOk!!!!
[*4] Jeff Ruland only came aboared because he actually though he was attending a "Mullets Cruise"
But they pulled me out of the sack, And they stuck me together with glue. And then I knew what to do. I made a model of you, A man in black with a Meinkampf look And a love of the rack and the screw. And I said I do, I do. So daddy, I'm finally through. The black telephone's off at the root, The voices just can't worm through.
-"Daddy", Sylvia Plath
See I been a loser just about all my life Type that try turn a ho to a housewife
The color barrier has been broken! its only a matter of time until white men are allowed to play in the NBA!!
And Flip is bringing Sam Cassell and Sam Cassell's amazing face! This instantly gives us two things we need: a coach and someone who can beat Agent Zero in a 3point youtube shootoff!
Everybody is weighing in on the big news.
Mostly, people are HOT FOR TEACHER but there are also lots of top analists around there who say that Flip is just too Flip and that he will let Gil run amok like a free range chicken and that only avery johnson has the kind of strict, hard-minded nofunnybizness mojo to put Gil in his place .
Mike Wilbon sez it: "Arenas, it seems to me, needs a coach who's more hands-on, somebody not only willing to take him on behind closed doors (or publicly, if necessary) but a man who's eager to do it, a coach with a deep bag of mind games and a bit devious himself."
Tom Knott sez it: The emerging relationship between Arenas and Saunders lends itself to speculation because Arenas is accustomed to acting on whim.
and in between cosmetic procedures, Peter Vescey sez it: Saunders is far too normal. He had trouble gaining the respect and keeping the attention of a reasonably stable core of polished Pistons. Imagine trying to accomplish something constructive while suffering Agent Zero's histrionics.
SO much worry in the world! The position that was open was 4 "NBA COACH" not 4 "GILWHISPERER" or did I miss something???
Basically what all these gruffnecks are saying is: "GILBERT ARENAS HAS DADDY ISSUES"
That deep within Gils dome is a child in need of a stern father figure like Avery Johnson and that anything less is soft parenting and will cause Gilbert 2 act out crazy and start making Papa Dont Preach Videos.
Well for one this is rich that Mike Wilbon would flip like Wilson and pickett since he has been the self-appointed patriarch of all DC sports for 2 decades- the conservative, provident old-timer, emotionally remote, hard to please, loathe to express affection or support. He forced Dan Steinberg to sack race with him at the WaPO father-son picnic and then shocked staffers by beating him with a Joseph Abboud braided belt when they lost to Dan and Sally Jenkins!
But of all issues Gilbert has the one he DONT have is daddy issues.
He might even be the only guy in the NBA who DOESNT have daddy issues.
Gilbert got a dad and they are best friends. Gil Sr raised Gilbert Jr doing whatever it took to give his boy a good life thru hard times and times of soft relief and Agent Zero loves his dad right back and showed it when he was a little boy by helping him with Miami Vice line-readings and he showed it as a grown man by buying his dad the 57 Maybach from the movie 'Memoirs of a Geisha' and on the front of the Mayback it said "Payback" cuz gil is all good with his pops and if a Geishawagon tells u anything it tells that if Gil got issues they are Mommy issues, so if Ernie Grunfeld had hired Pat Summitt or Murray State golf coach Velvet Milkman then yeah we'd have a problem.
It was the 2008-09 Wizards that had daddy issues. and im not talking about Pamela McGee buying Bud Ice at tenley mini mart for nick young. LIke we said before this years team was a RUMP STATE - its a very real thing google it. They had no authorities in charge and it was left to them to raise themselves like Dickens orphans. they were a party of five, a pack of wolves, a tribo-juvelist cooperative (I made up those words)
Yes they had a Dad but their dad was like Dirk Benedict (i did not make up those words) in the movie ALASKA who crashed the family plane into the mountains and the young kids were faced with a harrowing adventure to race against time and nature to save him. They had to think fast and grow up and come up with a plan and work together to cross the wild and while they were doing all that Mike James slipped back into the plane wreckage and stole dad's wallet.
Then the boys pooled their belongings: 12 NBA per diems, a box of chew straws, one Connect Four board game, some mobile phones and a beat up Russian romance novel. When they realized they had no food Darius SOngalia started panicking big time and yelled "mankind is always just 7 meals away from murder" and put the Connect Four chips, 11 blacks but one red chip, in a pouch and wanted to hold a lottery to decide who would get stoned to death and eaten by the rest. Caron calmed him down a bit and said: hey we in the wildnerness this place is crawling with food, Andray you go in the bush and bring us back some brisket son. ANdray walked around an hour or so then got hungry and ate some berries he found and lay down and slipped into a cold sleep. When Drey didnt come back everyone started to argue abouit what to do next so Antawn divided the group into the "Biguns" and the "Littluns" and made a rule that everyone had to talk in turns and whoever had the conch shell it was their turn to talk so they passed it around and everyone said their ideas, Nick Young used his time with the conch to tell the first 40 minutes of the movie Gladiator and then eventually Gil made a ruling to shut down the conch once and for all because he said he was being misinterpreted. Then Darius started saying he could hear Rhianna singingto him on the rocks and walked into the ocean smiling and had to be dragged out. Then things really fell apart and everyone went really animal and order broke down and the Biguns waged a war on the Littluns and chased Juan Dixon to a rock pool and "whirlpooled" him and then Pecherov escaped the mob into the woods and Darius went after him and an hour later came back alone with blood on his face screaming about how he "killed a unicorn" and then Flip Saunders stepped into the clearing in his neat suit and surveyed the wild bunch and said i will take you out of here and the boys wept the weep of shame at what theyd become
Oleksiy Pecherov is goin fishin!!! Longtime readers know that every summer is a fishing trip tradition down south with Christian Laettner (Captain) and Jared Jeffries (Rods n Reels) and Peter John Ramos (Human Chum Scoop). Well this summer they are down two men!!!! Jared Jefferies has decided to stay in New York this summer cuz he has busy plans ever since he moved into a loft in Williamsburg Brooklyn with those It Kids THE MISSHAPES. Suddenly JJ aint got time for his old buddies fishing trip! No hes too busy thrifting and DJing and curating polaroid shows and removing Geordon Nicols hand from his thigh and being Grand Marshall at this years Pabst Blue Ribbon Big Wheel Invitational at McCarren Park Pool and modelling Imitation of Christs new Big & Tall line on area runways.
Party John? Oh he had his license revoked by Department of Fish & Game for strangling a dolphin with his bare hands.
Im too cool 4 skool! Right now Im standing in the vomit of an American Apparel model!!!!
Dont hate me because Im beautiful!
Nick Young & Andray Blatche: Summer League is when the basketball season really starts for Big Dray! These guys have both made committment to bulking up and living healthy this offseason so they r kicking of the summer by hosting an huge 80s Fitness Party at Tyson Sport & Health Club!!! Biz markie will DJ the aerobics, with Jane Fonda's Prime Time Workout on the big screens, while the players and guests tone down in day-glo spandex, cream tights and leg warmers!
Antonio Daniels will be teaching Jive as a Second Language at Wheaton College! Way to give back Brown Hornet!!
Roger Masonwill follow a long tradition of DC free agents and sign with Detroit! Also following tradition, he has to spend his rookie year in Detroit driving Ben Wallace's 1997 Honda Accord (still tricked out with in-dash Playstation One console!)
Darius SOngalia will spend his summer playing for the Lithuanian Olympic team in CHina!!Li-Town!!! Chi-town!! Pride!!! SARS!!! Nick Young puts in an order for 40 tubes of "that 99 cent Colgate they got at the Duty Free." The team fails to get to the medal round but Songalia spends his free time running Ma-Jong games in Beihai Park where his wiley skillz earn him the nickname Baitu ('The White Rabbit') among locals.
Speaking of travels... to show his thanks for a breakout season,Brendan Haywood takes shooting coach Dave Hopla on 6-week Eurorail trip!!! When they hit Amsterdam, Hopla takes in the legalized prostitutes, open-air jazz clubs, sets a cafe record for huffing 307 consecutive skunk bowls and announces "Oh God Ive wasted my life!!!!!!" Re-dedicates himself to coaching young American backpackers on their joint-rolling technique.
Caron Butler donates an undisclosed organ to Abe Pollin!
A busy offseason for Gilbert ARenas! In an effort rehab his knee 'responsibly' Agent Zero scales back his physical conditioning to appropriate levels: running two-a-days with the Lithuanian Olympic team, and sprinting up and down the Lincoln memorial steps each morning naked with a parachute on his back and cinder blocks strapped to his thighs. Gil camps out in front of the Towson Best Buy to be first in line for the DVD release of Gnome Named Gnorm. When picked up by Ernie Grunfeld to discuss his new contract, Gil, fresh off playing 50 straight hours of Grand Theft Auto IV, forgets where he is and carjacks Ernie at knifepoint!Barack Obama tries to distance himself for Gil when Defense Department reconnaissance photos reveal Gazo The Pranksta's animation studios in North Korea receiving delivery of Uranium centrifuges. Gil decides to take up yoga in the offseason. Flips a coin to decide between Ashtanga and Bikram. Heads: Ashtanga, Tails: Bikram. Coin comes up Tails. Gil chooses Ashtanga. When he discovers "Puzzling At Altitude", "Plotting The Takeover"" and "Accessing The Hollywood" are not real yoga poses, he organizes a squad of rival Bikram students and leads a no-mercy paintball raid against his yoga class.
Dominic McGuire is invited on Entertainers with Byron Allen. Byron actually thinks he has booked Dominic Monaghan but D-Mac, being a true professional, never lets on, and patiently answers Byron's questions about dating Evangeline Lilly, the difficulties of acting in large rubber Hobbit feet and even teaches Byron how to do a Manchester accent!
Etan Thomas spends the summer as a fellow at New Hampshire's prestigious Macdowell Colony for writers, where he causes something of a stir. Fellow resident Carolyn Forche stuns friends when she returns from the colony wearing a West African mud-cloth sarong and releases Blue Hour 2: The Skin Trumpeter - a work of free verse urban erotica about a middle-aged poet who is sexually awakened by the dark charms and strong hands of Taj, a West African slave reincarnated as the owner of a Harlem jazz club.
Antawn Jamison forgets he is still wired for TNTs "Mic'ed Up" segement and all summer long we get to hear him singing along to Richard Marx in the elevator, drunk dial Susan O'Malley, and test new nicknames on his family ("OK from now on y'all gotta' call me 'The Go' when we go out. You kids gotta call me that too, I don't wanna' hear no more 'Dad' business- it's THE GO from now on and we all gonna' be on board for this and that's just the way it's gonna' be").
DeShawn Stevenson finally shaves his beard, and gets a new tattoo that says "BEARD" where his beard used to be. DeShawn has a long summer to develop his trash. Lotta people been slamming DeShawn Stevenson for letting his wild brain take a walk in his mouth this season, saying his breath blow brassier than Fred Wesley and that LeBron put that brass in pocket cuz he is nothing but a Pretender. And these are mostly the same people who said we should have never signed DeShawn and we should have thrown those pesos at the man they call 'La Bomba' ('The Sardine'), aka Juan Carlos Navarro, but be careful what you wish for armchair analists, because DeShawn earned every last penny as an entertainer and that counts for alot and things could have been much worse as you will see in this timeline of the alternate universe in which we signed the Spanish Junker:
October: JCN and Anderson Verejao make friendly bet on who can go the longest without bathing.
December: Begins blogging for El Mundo, where he admits he is dating Joy Behar.
January: Appears in an episode of the telenovela Tierra de Pasiones as a grape farmer with an eye patch and a mysterious past.
February: Video of an impromptu drinking contest with veteran matador Jose Ortega Cano becomes small youtube hit in Spain.
Throws a Don Juan themed birthday bash at Club Love. JCN and his entourage turned away by doormen for being underdressed, spend rest of the evening by the hot dog cart in their Ed Hardy party shirts catcalling women.
March: Verejao bet begins to take toll: JCN misses 12 games due to 'mange'.
Claim that Mussolini was 'underrated' earns a 2 game suspension.
April: Fined by league for making offensive and elaborate "Chupe Mantequilla de mi Culo" gesture at Daniel Gibson during Game One. Gibson responds "With Juan Carlos it is kind of funny. If I had anything to say to Juan it would be like Fat Joe saying something bad about Menudo. There's no comparison. Enough said." For Game 3, JCN flies in former Menudo members Fernando and Nefty Sallaberry to sit courtside. The Sallaberry brothers get drunk and are ejected in the 2nd period for exposing themselves to Dominique Dawes.
JCN reveals he lied about his age on his immigration papers and is in fact 43 years old. As punishment, the NBA voids the Kwame Brown/Caron Trade. Wizards are swept.
AS FOR US WIZZNUTZZ????
Well Jaarko has spent enuff summers chopping onion as Herring Boy at the Borga Segelsallskap Yacht Club and this year is off to be counselor at Aava Camp! Go Jaarko!!! He will be teaching the kids to tie nooses and how to identify different meats in the wild. But before all that responsibilites comes the first night when older counselors get happy drunk and make new friends! Jaarko sends us a picture!!
Meantime August Strindberg is 'devastated' by exciting news that he will be hired as script supervisor for new Charles Oakley cooking show CAFE OAK!!! Besides his job of injecting turgid gravity into O-Towns cheffin' banter, August will also provide comic relief in a small recurring cameo as an angry butcher!!!!
As for me I will spend next few weeks back in Saginaw trying to find a vet for my mothers handyman lover Jerry W. Wilkins. Sad part is Jerry doesnt even have any pets but the things a boy will do for his mama!!!
We will also be here from time to time to change the sawbust in Kens box and we also have some exciting Mothering Hut fashions to bring you so stay safe, stay close, stay pliant!!
So far the summer has been pretty calm for Gilbert Arenas. When he's not rehabbing his knee he is fulfilling his NBA Live 08 spokesman duties with the glee of Gollum in a Zales showroom.
Its is the most exciting Washington Wizards / Video Game partnership since Kevin Duckworth graced the cover of Muncher!! and since Ed, Edd 'n Eddy: The Mis-Edventures cancelled its affiliation with Eddie Jordan, Eddie Murray and Eddie Money after a disasterous game launch where Eddie Money kept yelling:
Gimme some water! Cause I shot a man on the Mexican border!
and Eddie Jordan swallowed a sharpie and Eddie Murray shouted "DONT TALK TO THEM EDDIE!!" and slapped a reporter.
He said when he was on vacation he was in a place that had no crime and no poor people! No not McLean, its called TAHITI!!!
NOw we know with Agent Zero he has a lively mind. If David Stern hadnt banned the odious racist practice of Phrenology in NBA medicals, you would see that Gilberts brain is divided into into two lobes: The Kidder Lobe, thats a funny place, and the Margot Kidder lobe, also funny, also very scary sometimes.
"Yes," he said. "I want to buy an island. Because Diana Ross has an island. Marvin Brando had an island."
1. This is not first time Gilbert has dreamed of Island Life:
Lately I've been dreaming I'm playing basketball on a desert island. That's all there is on the island-just the court, water lapping right up to the edge of the blacktop. It's just water all out there. Deep. Then I notice there are fans out in the waves, circling us.
When we did epic Agent Zero INCITE last season we explained that Psychoanalist and original MILF Hunter Sigmund Freud calls this dreamin "SELF ESTRANGEMENT":
Why is Gilbert hiding himself away deeper than Calvin Booth in a box score???
Well for one thing he has been hiding from his girlfriends Lawyers. But if you asked a man named Heidegger, who invented a magic 8 Ball you don't EVER want to shake, he will tell you that "self-estrangement" means agent zero is confronting the fears of an unauthentic life. An "unauthentic life" is when you have a public ego which is like the big billboard version of yourself outside the Verizon center, but inside you are wrestling with lifes banality, which is like wrestling with Awvee Storey but in your brain instead of the team bus.
Raymond Burr bought one. He told the locals "They Call Me MISTER Bonobo!"
Rod STewart bought the island shaped like England in that crazy "The World" development in Dubai where they make islands in shape of map of the world. Rod isnt popular with his neighbors there after he waded over to Diego Maradona's "Argentina" island and urinated on the Falklands!
And Mel Gibson bought Mago island in Polynesia for $15 million from Japan's Tokyu Corporation. Scary part is, Gibsons island has inhabitants and they are not very happy, hell no i bet they arent after they saw Apocalypto and The Bounty (aka "The Good SHip Brown Sugar Tits") and after he announced plans to remake Bird On A Wire in the native language, according to his original vision , "before the Hollywood Jewed it up"
3. Will Gilbert call his Island "SAN HIPPOLITO"???
4. What is Gilberts intention for getting island?
Is it to create socialist utopia with culture based on free expression and an economy based on "SWAG"?
Does he want to be like Mister Roarke and drive around in an orange, safari-top Dodge Aspen station wagon with Awvee Storey, granting twisted wishes to wealthy but unfulfilled washed-up B-listers like Sammy Davis Jr. and Audrey Landers and Christian Laettner???
Is Agent Zero having a mental breakdown like Paul Gauguin or ex-Orioles outfielder Jeffry "Kurtz" Hammonds and hoping to escape vertigo of western progress by running to a calming world of fruit and nakedness and wideopen crazy?
Does Gil want his own country to rule, aka a Wi-Fi Dictablanda where Agent Zero imagines himself in role of ancient Spartan Philosopher King, squashing snubs for the betterment of all, a benevolent dictator who is latest in long-line of self-appointed enlightened despots like Francisco Franco and Oliver Cromwell and Alderman George Unseld??
5. When Gilbert said how Marvin Brando bought an Island, was he actually thinking of Marlon Brando in the movie "The Island Of Dr Moreau"???
Does Gil have a fantasy of setting up an island of MANIMALS to control with his mad science and primal legislaturez????
Does he want to dress up in a white mumu like Brando and have a mini-me version of himself to satisfy a mad narcissism and to play co-op Halo with??
Ma Brand looks like a Cleveland Park pyschologist or Wes Unseld on casusal fridays!!!
But Gilbert doesnt need to dream about having an island like this, because THIS ISLAND ALREADY EXISTS!!!!
Its called HERZOG ISLAND! and its in his backyard, right in the Potomac. Dont believe it?? Just cuz they didnt teach herzog island in your Montgomery College Geography class dont mean its not so.
And Herzog is already teeming with half man, half animal freaks. They are the sad, cruel bio-refugees that escaped from Abe Pollin's evil In Vitro Farm, the top secret eugenics program he ran under the Cap Center to "Breed A Winner" for Washington.
We reported before on the evidence:
Recently declassified "LEDELL EXPERIMENT"!!! Witness the horrible results: Ledell Eackles , (aka "Ledell Eakles Prototype 3BETA. Nonviable. Destroy At Maturity.") hiding in Neckless shame in the shadows of his own fate!
Witness Manute Bol: his mother a 4'7" Baltic Jockey, his father.... "ANONYMOUS".
Witness the 9 hours erection, the REAL reason Muggsy Bogues is out of the league!
Michal Jordan calls Wizards teammates Mules. Mules atre INFERTILE. Former Bullets , Celibate Rifles!! MJ finds "leprauchauns" in his shrubs one night, parts ways with team shortly after.
WITNESS recentrly unveiled documentation: Kevin Duckworth is thirteen years old!!!
For many years these poor monsters have been living happily out of sight, under the protections of Wes Unseld who Abe put in charge of "Care Of Magical Creatures", though now and then there is an accidental "encounter" like the time the Park Service shot dead a "wild boar" on a tennis court. A "boar" that was wearing jewerly and Burberry cologne with a copy of Smooth Magazine in his pocket and an iPod shuffle filled with only songs of El DeBarge, and the Ranger who swore he heard that boar scream, "There is no pain! There is no law!" before he took him down.
For many years offseason moves for bullets went like this:
Abe Pollin would dispatch Wes Unseld on "scouting trips" aka 2 tickets to a Terps game and a whole summer sleeping on benches in area playgrounds. Then Wes would report back to Abe with a short list of young local players who didn't try and rob him. Then Abe would bring in prospects for a workout: basically to test their skillz carving turkeys for charity events and going head-2-head with Susan OMalley in dance Dance Revolution on the N64. Then Abe tells John Nash "draft me that Calbert Cheaney!" even though we already have Calbert Cheaney on the team, so J Nash says "sure Boss" and drafts some other shooting guard with low self esteem. Then the whole cycle starts aphresh
But thingz done changed since EGrunf taken charge!
CUZ EGrunf loves the Eastern European WHite Man!!!
E Grunf employs half of Eastern europes athletes!
Hes turning Wiz into "EASTERN BLOC MOTORS"!
-He got the Kapsukan King, DSOng. -Then he got BIG OILY, pure OPEC grade Ukranian Crude. -Then he wasnt done and he got Vladimir Veremeenko and VDub aka V2 aka "Meenk DeVille"!!!
EGrunf loves nothing more than heading east for a working vacatiuon in the Low Bloc come summer!! And as much EGrunf loves eastern europe, they love him 10 times that much because he is their lifeblood!! he is a mini-economy to himself, young men be growing up in high school wanting to be coal sorters or engineers and teachers be like "yo stop dreaming, be realistic and become a euro-pro basketballk player, theres security in that!!" they even have guidance ads for hi school grads that the governement shows, being like "Theres ALways work at the post office!"
EGrunf is their pipleine to the NBA, like how Stalin had the "Road of Bones" Egrunf has "Road of Former Soviet Jeff Malones"!!!!
He gathers so much tall white wood they call him TIMBALAND over there!! And when he comes to visit - whether he's playing kadima in a speedo bythe Sea of Azov , or taking in Ukraine Super-League game from fuel trader Viktor Pinchuk's suite, or guest lecturing in Medieval Culture at Belarus PolyTech - he is treated like greatest of royalty.
There is a whole industry to just making him happy:
-comped townhouse in Kiev's posh Krecshatik nabe, -complimentary Nevmirov vodka waiting for him the fridge, -first class Blyadis aka the Bear geishas of Odessa to satisfy his every whim, (and when he tips the bear geishas he does so with special issue hrivna currency that have his face on them courtesy of Ukrainian Finance Ministry !!! )
SO, we were very suprised this year at NBA draft when Ernie went domestic.
But we arent bitter. We love the picks! The draft left a great lasting taste in our mouths, like Chinese Topol!!
(It sure turned out better than the Blogger Draft where we were picked by the Knicks at number 23!!! Jaarko was halfway upstate on the SARS Express when he realized it was only a mock draft!!! )
Sure it is true, like Agent Steinz predicted, that in our hearts we hoped for Petteri Koponen, aka the Finnish Bengali Rifle, to be drafted.
For one he has incredible steady hands, fast and strong that he got that way from a lifetime of gutting fish, he has fish-firm hands of Gollum!! But also, as a Finlander, he is used to never sleeping through winter season, like Gilbert Arenas!!!! They would be great workout partners for 4 in the morning, when both their circadian rhythms are crazier than Danas are backstage at a T-Pain concert!
We also were hoping maybe wizards would draft Morris ALmond.
Morris ALmond sounds like a guy who sold leisure suits in 1975 Philli, does he not??!!! "I still remember when the Ohio Players came in my store...." ... yo Morris we love hearing your stories!!! But The main reason we wanted Morris Almond, actually the only reason, is that when he would bunk with Cal Booth in summerball, everyone could call them by the nicknames: "ALMOND JOY and MOUNDS" !!!!
But we are very excited to have NICK YOUNG!!!! From what Agent Steinz reports, Nick will be charisma insurance for wizards foir years to come. With Gil and Nick together in lockerrom, its gonna be Trick AND Treat, japes city, like a long lost Wayans brothers pilot!!! Dont get me wrong, big Oily's Gregory Hines impression from White Knights is hilarious, but how you think thats gonna go down in THE TWO SIX O???
Gil will be extra motivated this summer. For preparing for new season of basketball yes, but mostly for preparing for new season of practical jokes!!
And Nick will be perfect comedy sidekick for Gil. Every great comedian had a sidekick. Pryor had WIlder. Seinfeld had Kramer. CHeech had Chong. Hall had Gnorm. !!!
"People see God every day, they just don't recognize him." -Pearl Bailey
We were enjoying our torpid vacation of apres putt-putt and curing bologna on the roof of August's Ford Focus and Jarrko had just finished painting his "Moomintrolls: Pets or Meat" sign when we was disturbed by three things:
1/ HAte Mail we got from Paul Chaon TRU FACT! Paul's cavalier spelling, foul temper and repeat use of word "salty" make us thinking: FUTURE INTERN!!!
2/ Gilbert Arenas saying he will opt out of his contract and triggering hysteria that Agent Zero will leave DC, maybe to Detroit where he can be closer to his Halo Team!!!
But We r not afraid. Opting out of contract is standard procedure, its not unusual in the way, like say when Kwame Brown opted out of his foreskin during 2002 Wizards summer league. Wizznutzz Hon. Intern Unsilent Majority goes on Deadspin to set tha record straight! 3/ We get A supa-hot EXLUSIVE tip comes in from Superfan John Moe!!!!
This seemed like something you might be interested in. Tom Newell, son of legendary coach Pete Newell, is organizing a game this weekend in Seattle with 11-foot hoops in order to cut down on dunking (and excitement and interest). The roster is mostly scrubs/alums of local colleges but in the mix is Shammgod Wells, the former God Shammgod.
In CHI-TOWN They call Agent Zero DA JIANG JUN "THE GENERAL"!!!! because he is peerless and commanding in the league!
LeBron James, why they call him "Xiao Huang Di" aka "Little Emperor"!!! Haha!
Carmelo Anthony they call "Tian Gua" aka "Sweet Melon" double haha when we tell u Rasheed Wallace tried to buy the rights to Sweet Melon off Melo for 3 million Yen!
And in China they call Black Marvin, CHris Porter and BB Waldon "THE THREE GORGES". WHo r thoise dudes u ask?? WHy they are US starz in CBA, CHinese Basketball Association, but not as big a star as God Shammgod who they called "SHAMMGOD WELLS"!!!!
aka aka Happy Meals!!!!
IN this SO AWESOME ARTICLE and THIS ONE ALSO we find God playing 4 TaiYuan, Shanxi Province (Its like Beltsville but with more mopeds and the pollen has wings!)
Yes its old story now. Lots of people talked about it, including our friend Henry who had best GOD headline of tha lot:
It took us long time to finish it because we just kept rereading the line:
"I traveled to the dusty, dingy burg and found God in the second-rate hotel across the street "
But when we did finally read we learn its true that "God is in the Details" and those details are:
God Eating only McDonalds, God showering in lockerooms filled with smoke from cigarettes, Gods voice transmitting from heavens via a Skype account, God dreaming of going back to NBA or at least going to Outback Steakhouse in Shanghai.
U always have a home here God! We believe! We saw the face of Ledell Eackles on a grilled cheese sandwich.! We cant wait for the day when God is honored at a Bullets old-timers night, weighing 300 pounds, with a hacking cough, stinking of sweet n sour sauce, crossing up Pervis, talking trash in Mandarin!
It was funny thought to read this spring of God among the heathen Chinee, seeing as a week prior we had got an additional, bonus EXLCUSIVE INCITE in our colecovision inbox from Sperfan SETH!!
I don't know you, you don't know me, but I know that you enjoy yourGod Shammgod. I need to tell you that I randomly saw him in Vancouver, Washington playing in an IBL game last Saturday for the Portland Chinooks. I had no idea he would be present, so you can imagine my delight. But anyways, I have 6 Updates for you:
1) He is officially going by "Shammgod Wells" again.
Best part is when we went to investigate the IBL we find that it only costs like 20 Grand to buy a franchise!!! Now our plan is to sell enough SILENCE=BACON T-SHirts to raise the 20K to buy an IBL team and run it like rotisserie league building a dreamteam of our fave all-time wizznutzz allstars:
We would turn into Eastern Motors "ENTERTAINER LEAGUE" with 8 ft hoops, and trampolines and travelling across the country playing in Circuit City parking lots and have DC celeb coaches, like Gilbert "Gil The Thrill" Arenas Senior and WOlf Blitzer (tho u know when he slips into gameday coaching velour he callz himself 'Honeybear") and Nils and Chico DeBarge and for halftime entertainment we rescue SKydog(tm) from Qyntel Woods/Mike Vicks "Q-Skool" Dog Fighting Academy and return him to arena where he does what he is meant to do: no , not detect cancer in the owners booth! catch frisbees for poor folk!!!
RONNIE MERVIS, The King Of Bling, the man who really feeds Latrell SPreewells family, the man who took Gherorghe Muresan's childhood coal collection and turned it into the 4 carat cufflinx Big George wore to the My Gaint premiere, has taken xtra precious time away from being the Diamond Dawg of the District to counsel Darvin ham in his time of need!!!!
RMerv even lavishes our V-I3 grade comment board! Ronnie is a true king, his grace is flawless, he has big heart and is a good sport and is celebrity intern-for-life of wizznutzz. We hope this is beginning of special relationship of friends and maybe one day bizness partners??!!! You think we trust Pink Topaz 'Silence Equals Bacon" shirts to Donyell Marshalls chinatown jeweller???
So it is a shame that our next offseason profile focuses on a pretender to the throne, a bad sport and sworn enemy of the wizznutzz:
OFFSEASON PROFILE #2 MICHAEL 'SALIERI' JORDAN
Learning to hate again
'Te somnia nostra reducunt'
Longtime wizznutzz readers know our feelings about Salieri.
Let me make a summary for u if u dont:
Michael Jordan is a WHORE. He is a bitter, adultering narcisitist, who awoke one day to find he had been eclipsed by his own shoes and to find his legend lay crumbled around his swollen feet in an Ozymandian rubble, and decided in moment of desperate grandiosity to ride into Washington DC on a tired mule, molest the small-handed genius and prized manchild KAWME BROWN with the bad touches of vile jealousy, climb into a burlap sack with a possum called "Legacy", emerge black-eyed and pink-slipped in defeat, flee town with a mob on his heel, leaving behind his icepacks and reputation and a city crushed by the heel of his ego and by humiliation and by a massive oversupply of uncooked concession meats.
Here is Premier Magazine's list of top 7 all-time most blatant celebrity VANITY PROJECTS:
7. Madonna's EVITA (1996) 6. Mariah Carey's Glitter (2001) 5. Melanie Griffith's Milk Money (1994) 4. Robert Duvall's Assassination Tango (2002) 3. Kim Yong Il's Pulgasari(1985) 2. Michael Jordan's Washington Wizards (2001-3) 1. Minnie Driver's The Governess (1998)
(This list shouldnt be confused with Vanity Fair's list "Biggest Heads In Hollywood" which is a list of actual celebrity head weights. Its confusing because of word "Vanity" and also because Minnie Driver was #1 on that list too. Her head was so big they had to measure it using water displacement equipment Graydon Carter borrowed from his private equine vet.)
SO WHAT HAS SALLY BEEN UP TO???
In the good old days of the NBA we would never have heard from him again. If he was a star back in the 70s, when he retired, the league would own all the rights to his image and name, and MJ would have a musty room in a halfway house, sinking an already meager league pension into bad investment deals, and washing down his mexican arthritis medicine with one measure strawberry wine, 2 measures despair. Instead he's cashed up and all over the place these days, causing more of a scene than one of Mike Vicks dogs in the gameroom with a Kong full o greenies:
Costly indeed! Mad Money's Jim CRamer downgraded Malaysian Manufacturing Futures to "FLUSH" on hearing the news!
Details of the settlement are still being hammered out. In fact MJ has been in hi-powered talks with his legal team (see below foto) to determine how much of his estate he will be losing.
Early reports suggest Juanita will get 150 million and share joint custody of Leonard Hamilton, while MJ retains control over his insatiably empty heart, his collection of vintage chenille varsity letters (all strangely scarlet 'A's), his fathead wall sticker of Doug Collins, a shoebox of unopened letters from Michael WIlbon, 3 Million 'DIner Reward Points' redeemable at any area MVP Restaurant, Eddie Rush's black book, Kevin Bacon's underpants and the secret recipe to 'Jordan, By Michael' cologne (Juanita insisted the barrels, labelled 'Property of Bijan', be removed before mating season cuz they attract aggressive deer to the property)
Juanita released the following prepared statement through her lawyers:
"The hot night makes us keep our bedroom windows open. Our magnolia blossoms. Life begins to happen. My hopped up husband drops his home disputes, and hits the streets to cruise for prostitutes, free-lancing out along the razor's edge. This screwball might kill his wife, then take the pledge. Oh the monotonous meanness of his lust. . . It's the injustice . . . he is so unjust-- whiskey-blind, swaggering home at five. My only thought is how to keep alive. What makes him tick? Each night now I tie ten dollars and his car key to my thigh. . . . Gored by the climacteric of his want, he stalls above me like an elephant."
2. HANGING WITH TIGER WOODS
How nice Salieri and Tiger are pals! Right! This is just another in a long line of MJ's media-staged 'friendships' that r as genuine as a Space Jam screen kiss. Like when Mike used to 'hang out' with Michael Jackson in that JAM song like they was in an African American version of 'Perfect Strangers'!!
Did ya CHeck out another of MJs corporate populist 'FRIENDS' (TM): AHmad Rashaad in that video! ?! A-Raad be SPortin' a circa 91 outfit fresh from SPike's Joint in Fort Greene!!
Wanna be friends with Michael Jordan? Heres how you do it:
A. Submit tax receipts from last 4 years to David Falk. He will use Net Worth calcualtor to determine if you r financially suitable mate
B. If you are rich but not rich enough to pass step A, then there is a one time 'BUY-IN' price set to ONE MILLION DOLLARS
Here is Dale Earnhardt presenting MJ with his friendship dowry at the recent NASCAR Nextel Open:
Dale and MJ, now BFF4EVER*!!! (*subject to annual maintenance charges and adjustment for inflation)
3. SPARRING PARTNERZ
Next, Sally headed to VEGAS (where no one bets '23-Black' when he's in town cuz of a local superstition
Mike took in the Merriweather De La Hoya fight:
MJ and Jack Nicholson try to suck each others souls out using the dementors kiss but find the wells are dry and have to order Executive Nachos instead to wash the ashy taste out of mouths.
No wonder DeLa Hoya lost! Check out tha shoes!! He's wearin custom Red Malay Tru-Pleather Air Brimleys!!!! Say it aint so De La noSoul!!!! Oscar's part of the 23MULEMAN stable!!
4. ACE OF CLUBS
SUperfan RAY sent us these pix of Michael Jordan recently in the K STREET LOUNGE trawling for future young adultresses!!!
Meanwhile MJs fave bookie, Jimmy 'The Rat' Lynam worked the rails in a pair of dust bowl overalls (boasting a bejwelled shamrock on the bib) and took numbers from drunk debutantes on his steno pad, eyeing the track cops while nervously popping lemon drops into his tight lips
And FInally, last weekend MJ headed out to a celeb junket at the opening of Sol Kerzner's latest mauve stucco marine tax-shelter travesty: The Cove Atlantis on Paradise Island, to help celebrate Stevie WOnders birthday, lose a cool million and make the following widely reported move on young model Sara Kova
At Thursday's birthday party for Stevie Wonder at the Cove, [Kova] was taken aback when single-again Michael Jordan did a fast break in her direction. "He was walking so intensely, I was a little nervous," she recalls. "He said, 'Hi, who are you? I'm Leroy.' I knew he was Michael Jordan, but I played along. He asked if I wanted to come out on a boat with his friends. I passed on that one, but we did party together later at Aura." -NY Daily News
Is 'Leroy' MJs nom de whore???
WHy 'Leroy' ?? Names have riddles of meaning, like 'Hibachi' means 'Whats Cookin Okasan!' and "Kwame' is african for 'baby hands' and 'FALK' is 'Falcon' in Yiddish. (Its tru fact look it up.)
Well wizznutzz have got to the bottom of this. How did we crack this secret code of yours MJ??? Like Woody Woodpecker floats to the smells of a hot windowsill pie, we pick up the scent of vanity and decay.
LEROY IS DERIVED FROM OLD FRENCH 'Le Roi' MEANING:
WHich leads to next queastion: What is french word for 'DOUCHE' ???
IS THIS REALLY THE BEAHVIOUR OF A KING???
SOme have a theory that Sally has been p-O.P.P.-ing up everyplace as part of cunning plan to raise profile of the Charlotte Bobcats but we know thats Jive and that Bob Johnson has actually just lifted 9-month social ban on MJ which he got as punishment for losing Jeff McInnis in a poker game.
Herez another Fench word for you,
it means a ghost that returns home after death many years later to haunt site of former glories, like Gene SHue hangin around the Green Turtle in college Park playing quarters and trying to score digits from sorority girls. Thats MJ: hanging around the league like an embarrasing expatriate frat boy. We wrote about it before, and so did Graham Greene and GDubs should know, cuz GDubs also wrote "I aint afraid of no ghosts!!!"
Salieri isnt a king, he is only an old kid playing king in the sand, building castles and when u build castles in the sand you get 2 things:
Sandcastles and an Empty Bucket
That empty bucket is the soul of michael jordan and just as time washes the hands of vanity, the high tide reclaims kingdoms built of sand and the empty bucket is left, listing on the edge of the shore in teasing winds, a big open empty eye forced to gaze forever upon the dreadful scene of endless sands, 'lone and level , boundless and bare', where no footprint survives the day, an open empty mouth upon whose hard salty lips the winds whistle "Is it in you?"
You all know Ronnie Mervis!! He is tha KING OF BLING and one of DCs famous "diamond brothers". He runs the business and hangs with cashed up local rollers like CLinton Portis while his brother Zed watches over the African mines and raises prize winning German Shepherds! Zed hopes to join Ronnie in the US once US Customs and United Nations soon lifts its sanctions on him that were imposed for a misunderstanding involving a 1998 cargo of 'West Indian Gherkin' that 'escaped' off the coast of Trinidad!
Our hearts and prayers r with Davrin but we know if anyone can help us it is Ronnie Mervis!!