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Monday, February 16, 2009

I hope everyone enjoyed "Black Thanksgiving" this weekend!

To celebrate, we present you with a special TRIO OF FREE

First up:


Ultramagnetic MCs
Smack My Bitch Up : Tuff City : 1989

This 1989 All-Star tribute from Kool Keith and the Ultramagnetic MCs is nothing if not thorough, giving props to everyone from '89s big game, from the assistant coaches to the great, late Kevin Duckworth (RIP)

"Kevin Duckworth, dominating the Earth as the middle man, dominating every little man, back and forth down the low post with the slam, pulverizing the hoop cause he's an all-star."

. . . . . . . . . .

Next Up:


Shaquille O'Neal
Shaq Diesel : Jive : 1993

Not so rare but our fave track from everyones fave All Star peformer, Shaq Daddy! Mike Wilbon aka Father MC just wrote a sweet tribute to big Shaq. We all love Shaq, for his larger than life clowning, his respect for authority, for his bonhomie (its french for "good homie"!). I Hate 2 Brag is Shaq at his boasting best, he's like Ali for the UPN Generation!

I Can Flow Like Pee Coming Out Your Know What
Or Some Dookie Diarrhea Coming Out Ya Butt

Those are the titest baller rimez since C-Webb rhymed "Jerome Bettis" with "Lettuce"!!!!

. . . . . . . . . .

And finally....

"WE BE BALLIN' (Street Mix)"

Ice Cube, Shaq and Michael Jackson
12" Single : A&M Records : 1997
Unreleased NBA Campaign

This supa-rare slammin cut was supposed to be released on an NBA Compilation album in 1998 and also be used  in the NBA "I Love This Game" commercials but then the strike happened and Rod STrickland bought a gold hot dog cart and Commissioner STern decided to get serious about the league's "negro problem" and killed it!!!!!!

This song is a real piece of sports history. The late 90s was the peak time for the NBA and NFL bankrolling sham big league "collaborations" drummed up by marketing departments and PR teams and buzz analists. Just throwing these big musical names together with no rime or reason except to mate demographics like they were bonobos or columbia maryland divorcees and not real people. The SUper Bowl is the worst offenderz with their halftime mashup spectaculars of Aerosmith and Run DMC and Britney SPears. Hey viewership down among the old, the sad, and the urban nihilist mimes? Get me the agents for James Taylor and the Insane Clown Possee!!!! But in real life if you throw acts like this into a bright cage u end up compromising them both and pissing off both their fans. I mean I like Ladysmith Black Mombazo and Amy WInehouse as much as the next guy but i dont want to see them harmonizing with Jason Sehorn at media day. U aint gonna cross over the fans that way, you gonna totally kross em out!!!!

But thats no the reason the league killed this marvel. here are the reasons:

Reason One:

Ice CUbe! In 98 Ice CUbe was still angry, and also still black. It was before he was making friendly Disney fart comedies and was the same year he put out a record with songs like "If I Was F*ckin' You", "Cash Over Ass" and "Ghetto Vet". And this was also the time when David Stern was staying up night in his pajamas having first thoughts about making an NBA Dress Code, a dress code that would specifically stamp out "hip hop culture" and Timberlands and the payback lynchings of rich white men.

Reason Two:

Michael Jacksons really creepy chorus, where he deploys a verbal twist and turns "Ballin" from something you do with other dudes into something you force upon them. Ballin as atrocity!

Nothin' You Can Say
'Aint Nothing You Can Do

We Be Ballin' You
We Be Ballin' You

Who hearing this chorus cant help but think of a little child cowering under his bed at Bad Touch Mansion hearing this song coming from the hall and hearing the footsteps and sliding into the sickly sweet swoon of pepsi and wine and knowing the end of innocence is nigh????

And keep in mind that in 98 Mike Jackson was at the heights of his normalcy. Before the trials, before the nose fell off, before the Bahranian Witness protection program. He was still a pop star and Americas most wholesome shemale!!!! Who would have thought in 1998 that 10 years later if u were a mom you would rather your kids spend a weekend with Cube than with Jacko???

But in the 90s Michael Jackson was money in the bank and the NBA kept desperately trying to get him in the mix. They kept insisting he was a typical black kid who had game like in this video where he plays one-on-one against Michael Jordan. Im not sure what gives Jacko away, his slap-happy dribbling or his loafers and athletic Esprit orange poplin blouse? You can tell even in these old photos that Jacko dont be ballin'. Yes sure there is a time each day when there is ballin' at Neverland Ranch. U when that time is? Its when the little little hand touches the big hand!!! Oh snap Annie R U OK smooth criminal!!!!


Michael please tell me about Kevin bacons underpants!


michael jackson

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posted by wizznutzz

Sunday, January 18, 2009

With the Wiz heading to the lottery the time is coming soon when we have to ask ourselves not only what team will look like next year but who will even be coaching it.

There is Ed Tapscott, who has done a fine job making sure nobody on the team has died since he took over. And then there are all those big names coaches with storied coaching historiez out there too. So it sure raised our eyebrows the other day to read Ivan the Credibles reporting that The Wiz might be "GROOMING WES UNSELD JUNIOR FOR THE JOB!!!"

More specific please! Cuz the organization has been grooming Wes unseld SENIOR for the last 15 years! Not to be coach. Just grooming him. It is DCs least popular intern position! It takes 5 interns to bath wes senior: 3 to hold him still, one to scrub, and one to drive to PETCO to get more shampoo! No we kid big wes cuz we love him and also we love him best when he's retired from coaching

Now We Know Mr Drummond loved Willis most of all, and that Abe has mad loyalty for his adopted 1st son Wes Unseld but unless your last name is Tequila you dont get a trophy for having a friend in this world. Abes mind must be riddled with nostalgia.

What is his thinking, that Wes Unseld Jr can capture the coaching magic of his dad?

The magic of a 202-345 record and a magician who only got the job in first place because he had a school bus license????

Is this part of a master plan to create Bullets: The Next Generation?

Are the wiz gonna blow up the team to clear space to go after Ledell Eackles Junior in 2010???

Hey memo to Wizards, this is an NBA team, not the Muppet Babies!!!!

You cant build a winner by building a team that REMINDS YOU of a winner!

Or maybe we should! !!!
MAybe we should go all in, go get Mitch's boy Max Kupchack! Sure hes only 9 but he could walk on and lead this joint is assists. Make Manute Bol Jr head of Public Relations! Get Nils Lofgren Jr to cut a hit song! Put Juwan Howards 28 year old daughter in charge of player hygeine. her name is "Maxine" - he named her after his contract!

Or while we on this run like Logan, why not just dial the clock all the back????

Move back to Landover!

Get the old boys back, teach Nick Young how real men play Connect 4!!

You know Cheniers itching to play, plus hes already right there courtside, and most nights hes wearing his mesh shorts and Pony hightops under the scorers table. Go get The Big E to trade his badge for one last shot at a title. Bring back the 10 cent half smoke, Hoops the Mascot, bring back Robin Ficker, and the Free Dunkin Yo-Yo Night! Have dudes just playing for their city and for their love of the game and for their per diem.

ANd do whatever it takes to get Susan O'Malley back. Thats #1 priority. Give her a Lord and Taylor Black Card and send her to Alexandre de Paris de Fair Oaks Mall for a championship perm. (Only 3 people get that last joke!! can one of them please explain it to us????)

SO In the spirit of Abe Pollin and His Wayback Machine:

Its "The Fat Lady SIngs"!!!
The Radio Documentary of the 78/79 championship season narrated by Werner "FRANK" Herzog, only available until now on LPs found at Glover Park garage sales!!!!!!

Well we got this record for many years now. When you play it backwards it says "Greg Ballard is an Albino" over and over!!!!!

So we have cracked out our Akai tape2tape and made a smash old school cut, cobbling together bits of the soft-funk that hides deep in the soundtrack like Big Oily in a box score!!

We present wizznutzz exclusive:

"HANGIN WITH THE BULLETS: The Fat Lady's Funk Remix!!!!"

(or is it "TAKE IT WITH A BULLET"??)


Or just DOWNLOAD the whole damn LP right here!

And visit God Shammgods mixtape for Nils Lofrgen's "Bullets Feve"r all the freshest throwback jamzzz!

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posted by wizznutzz

Friday, August 03, 2007
Stop the Presses Jeff Chang!!!

GOd Shammgods Mixtape is about to...

Last Season JE Skeets broke the story about how former Wizard and Wizznutzz hero Tyrone Nesby had moved to Lithuania to play ball and blew up as a local rap star, and then Wizznutzz delivered some stunning details bout how 'T-NEZ' had blown up bigger than Jievaras, the God of Grains , like some kinda a Baltic Montell Jordan:

Now if you check from T-Nez's website, you see him relaxing in the Dnepr-Bug drainage basin aka Darius Songalia Memorial BLVD like he owns the damn place! and thats cuz he just about does because since T-Nez has backing of powerful Lithuanian Mafia Seimos Lygino Asilas aka The Family of The Iron DOnkey and he is now like Vilinius' Most Notorious, and he rolls through town with 24" spinners on his Yugo, kicks it in his delux 300 sqft, 7 bedroom loft with its vaulted 6' ceilings and tru cement floors, hes wearing top luxury goat skin trenchcoats with London Fog labels sewn inside, and he wont think not 2 seconds about dropping 4, even 5 euros, on VIP tab for fermented milk bottle service.

Like all those Jazz musicians back in tha day who moveD to europe to find respect and find their groove , T-Nez took his enormously ginger JAZZ HANDS overseas and found a place where he could finally be comfortable in his own skin, a place where "Tnez could just be Tnez", whether he was just freestylin for his boys at a saturday bloc party or headlinin in front of thousands of screaming fans at the Skamba Skamba Kankliai Folk Festival,.

Sure at first the reaction was a bit aggressive and they were suspicious of this stranger and ugly racism reared its head when the countrys Minister for Radios labelled his music "Jungle Polka" . But TNez is nothing if not a fighter, and he showed the tenacity that once got him elected as a 3rd Team ALternate to the 2001 Vegas Summerball all-star game . He did not fit in he knew that but saw a special opporunity in being a fish out of water. So He became a cultural hip-hop missionary, like a Johnny Applebeats, roaming the fields and rebar skyways and soon Lithuanian locals came to embrace TNes and found the truth that they needed him as much as he needed them, it was like the PERFECT STRANGERS story but without having those unwanted images of COusin Larry having sex on the couch , just suddenly popping into your brain. up and down! up and down! like an anxious jackhammer. Next thing u know, Tnez has endorsement deals with 'ROKASWear' and '40/40 Pork Water' AND is charity spokesman for The Black River Spastic Society!!!!!

So we where very excited when our copy of SERIOUS BUSINESS arrived in the post last week!!!

The site we ordered it off of was all in Lithuanian so we didnt know what we were clicking mostly and so we were extra happy to get our CD and also a hot-headed new bride for Jaarko!!! She thinks Jaarko is very handsome! She also thinks Jaarko is mayor of a shiny AMerican town called 'Circuit City' so dont say anything until we have sold the dowry on eBay!!


Prior Records : 2005


Wizznutzz Rating: 4 out of 5 CheeseBoots




Let everyone on the Red Line to Shady Grove know you've got some "Serious Business" to attend to!!!!!



Well, "Serious Business" aint no "2 MUCH DRAMA" but by the The CHocolate Chicken of Aitvaras... TNEZ can RAP!!!!

The record has lots of good songs and is about lots of big themes, themes like overcomin haters, finding a place in the world, staying strong, jewels, women, loyalty, respect, fate, GATs. Not GAT the gun, GAT the firm salty rabbits-milk yogurt thats popular in the Lith housing commissions.

On "SB" TNez sharez the mic with lots of other emigre idols:

like tradin 8s with round the way girl Erica Jennings , the Irish hottie whos rippin up tha local charts with the Lith pop jugganaut SKAMP

and also with TANOKA BEARD, the Captain Kurtz of foreign balling. The '93 Boise State grad has been playing Overseas for almost 15 years!!!! Hes also got his own record.
Listen on his website!
Hes got that veteran sound, like an Expat Big Daddy Kane!!

'MY LIFE' is TNez's SIgnature TUNE.



The beginning of the song is soooooo cool.
Its not even rapping or the music yet, its just TNes voice, and hes talking to himself, almost in a whisper, and hes all real serious, walkin through fire, contemplating some heavy thoughts:

" Ugh, the things we go through...
Just Life...
Im always wondering... how my life's gonna be....
You wanna hear about it?

and then... BOOM!!!

All of a sudden hes rapping! just like that! we rollin!
I think Tnez maybe even invented this technique.!!!
I ask u name one other rapper who starts songs all one-on-one personal like this???? OK so maybe you answer me "ALL RAPPERS IN HISTORY" but then I ask you right back:

What heavy thingz Justin Timberlake gotta think about???

"I wonder if I can get direct deposit on my Mouseketeers pension?"
"WHich hat will I wear today?"
"Who will wipe up the cold fried chicken skins that Britney left on my leather settee?""


The next thing you notice on this song are the beats and you notice that are SLAMMIN.

SOunds just like some Neptunes shits but Neptunes managers said Neptumes too busy "Not Ruining Their Careers" so TNEz gave back and went local, and held open auditions for the area "LITTERS" - (thats what they call the scrappy white lithuanian timbaland wannabees over there). There were many good candidates including a guy with a double PHD in CuBase and DRainage from the Vilnius Pedagogical Institute, but TNes gave the job to Stanislavas Stavickis (aka STANO aka S-DUBS) and Martynas Puchovicius (aka Mr P) because he was so entertained by their interview:

"So why should I hire you dudes to make my album?"

"My man TNez, we are black like you my man, we hard my man, harder than the Moor Candyman"

"What about you kid?"

"U dont even know me!" "Im a customer, Im housin, How you like me now?!" "Like Tyson Im Frozen." "I drink the gin of Jews!" "Calvin Klein is not my friend, I dont have name for my rectum!" "I like to juggle sometimes it make me wonder why I keep from going under!"
U want see my UTFO membership card? No I'm real, is here, I have laminated.

Tnes' faith paid off. He discovered the second coming of PM DAWN!!!!


When I heard the chorus for the first time i was floating outside my Toughskins(tm) jumpsuit in a state of outofbody bliss not even a lifetime in the mothering hut could bring, that is how powerful and breathtakingly exquisite is the sounds of this ambrosious rapture.!!!!!

Yet as otherworldy as it was, there was something familiar about it .... and then I got it
"SO THATS what happened to the SOlomon island Pygmies after Deep Forest broke up!!!

But then i listened closer and knew that it must be a kids choir.
Everyone loves kinds choirs!
Kids choirs are the songs of angels!
Their voices are so innocent and hopeful and alive that you get that feeling, you know what feeling when you are around children where you want to hold the innocence just to yourself forever and ever so much that you just want to smother the sound out of their little bodies??? U know what I mean. And so does TNes. TNes loves kids choirs. When they got into the studio he was like:

"I want the Harlem Boys CHoir!
Puffy had the Harlem Boys Choir.
Kanye had the Harlem Boys Choir.
Jay Z had the Harlem Boys choir."

Unfortunately for TNes he didnt get the Harlem Boys Choir.
Wanna know why?
Well "Serious Business" was bankrolled by an aid loan from the International Monetary Fund and the loan rules say that none of the money can go to fund a project that displaces indigenous artists. CHeck the tarriff stamp!

SO when they explained that to TNes hes like

"Shit son, then get me the Lithuanian Boys Choir!"

Unfortunately for TNes he didnt get the Lithuanian Boys Choir neither.
Wanna know why?
Cause there aint none. Not anymore at least. There used to be, but after a landfill of defective Lance Armstorng plastic "LIVE STRANG" bracelets leaked into the waterways it 'strang'eled millions of migrating birds and it also got into the drinking situation and by 2002 boys were reaching puberty and "living strang" in Lithuania at age 6 and the angels started sounding like niteclub bouncers and since Lithuania outlawed castration in 2001, they had to make the LBC out of grown, shaved, men and changed the voices in post-production and that was going good until the government discovered that local Lith. chains of Outback Steakhouse were acting like underground railroads to help members of the LBC defect to tha west, and this was just 2 much drama in the LBC, so in 2k3 they outlawed all men singing in groups of 3 or more. Ever curious what happened to Bel Biv Devoe after that european tour ? Check effin Alytus Prison!

SO finally TNes says

"get me your biggest pop star! Gimme your biggest local diva!
Gimme the Lithuanian Beyonce!"

And TNes got the
Lithuanian Beyonce.

Her name is TELE BIM BAM, and she was the national finalist for the 2005 Lithuanian Eurovision SOngwriting COntest!!!

Thats here you hear singing on "My Life"

And HERE is her singing her smash hit


ANd TELE BIM BAM definitely has an inner Beyonce, (even though she has an outer 250 pound hausfrau singing Wiggles songs with an ABBA cover band.)


Ever notice how many cool white saxaphone players there were in the 80s??
They were hard to recognize sometime cause they had disguises, and wore sunglasses. Sometimes they dressed like spies.

But when they stepped out of the fuscia shadows to blow their solo there was no mistaking what they really where: soulful electric mozarts!!!!!

Now do you Ever wonder what the eff happened to all these eccentric masters when the 80s finished????

They just all disappeared! What? There was major colony collapse, but no No bodies!
What, You think they just retired? You think they just got regular jobs??? you know thats not true even as you tell it to yourself. WHite sax soloists cant hold down a 9 to 5. they dont wear socks for one thing. but a regular job well thats like being an animal in a cage for them. They might as well be dead if they cant rear back, in silhouette against a cardboard neon skyline, and express their passion in brassy, narrow-tied busrts.

No they didnt just go away. All the 80s sax stars went to Lithuania where they are prized like kings!!! After the 80s, it was like the scramble for nuclear scientists after the fall of Berlin!!! San Diego, Wildwood NJ, and the Bel Azur beach resort in Lebanon, all came after them, offering riches and papers and hair care products that are banned in the west and flattery and wives. Lithuania offered all that and more. But thats not what sealed the deal.

The Sax Men needed just one taste of the long, deep Lithuanian summer twilight to know they had come home. That magically smooth ultramarine dusk; that quivering cerulean gateway between day and dark, between protocol and poetry, when the night creatures first stir.

Cuz Session saxes dont live under flags, by maps or borders...
They live like wolves in the warm nuance of twilight.

(Plus it didnt hurt that Lithuania was the birthplace of the original Saxaphone, aka the AEROPHONE:

WHich makes it extra sweet that TNez hooked up the sax in 'My Life', since Lithuania also birthplace of Rap music, which TNez recognizes when he gives props in the liner notes to "My Renaissance Niggaz" Jacobus Gallus and Krystof Harant

Renaissance Music Niggaz


No labor no profit
I read that in a book.....

I was blessed with this bread
For all the shit I took

TNez is packing on more layers than the Caron Butler Coat Drive with this litlle lyrcial myrical!!!!

Check the double meaningz:

at first looks this song is all about what all rap is about: "I Gotta Get Mine"
Like those Applebee's Objectivists Salieri and Queen James say, a Mans soul = a shoebox under the bunk that you spend yo life fillin with money.

But then TNez goes and flips tha scipt:

No labor no profit
I read that in a book.....

And at first u thinking:
"Sweet Tnez giving shout out to his former teammate LARON PROFT"

But on closer look, TNez is also giving props to KARL MARX, aka the Linda Lavin of Communism aka THA PLAYAS COACH, and his "LABOR THEORY OF VALUE"!!!!

TNez has been following the teachings of the Lithuanian Socialist Party ever since he read RObert Owens bestselling motivational book: "Together We Move Our Cheese"!!


Shit done changed, I 'aint broke no mo'
This is for the ones who thought I'd never go forward

Y'all used to smile in my face, but smile behind my back bro
Knew y'all wouldn't riff(?) on my down, fallen prey

Shit I've got it made
For all y'all that didn't believe it,
That I was gonna fail when I was ballin' over seas
That's the last time yall put odds against me
Now y'all sit and watch while I'm hot bustin' threes

Y'all remember
And you motherfuckers know who you are
Who said T-Nes would never be a star

With these words T-Nes addresses all the haters, saying "Respek Tha ARkitekt!!"
He dont mention names, but you dont need Calbert Cheaney smarts to figure out that TNes is turnin up the heat on the growing East Bloc - West Bloc rap rivalry that started when NBA rapper Tony Parker called TNez a "Gros connasse" backstage at the European MTV awards.
TP better squash that!!!
Dont he know he cant never win?
Only way you can stop TNes is to POP TNez but u kill TNez and TNez is reborn larger in death than in life, like Tupac, u gun him down, 5 years from know even bell hooks be wearing the tshirt!!!!!

But also TNes be speaking to all y'alls that doubted , TNes saying "yo it says Payback on front of the Maybach" even though it really say "Looza" on front of his "Meduza" but its all good.

Cuz not only did TNes make it overseas, he owns the damn joint.

They worship him so bad they built a statue!! Not some lumpy little thing like that statue Micahel Jordan got in chicago, but a monstrous wonder that practically straddles estaern europe like goddam Collusus of Rhodes . TNEs's statues so big, its bigger than those giant Buddah statues in Afganistan that the Taliban blew up just before hollywood could fire up Blue Thunder to fly them to the safe acres of Roy Scheiders estate in East Hampton. But dont EVEN think the Taliban gonna be blowing up the TNez statue!!! Cause the TNes statue is seriously defended. For one it is guarded by the Aukstaitijan Shepherd Boys, who are trained in lethal arts of traditonal folk combat, and who have a fanatical devotion to TNez ever since he stood up for them during the terrible 2003 drought when he said on live TV "Valdas Adamkus doesnt care about Shepherds!!" and personally organized massive airlift of half-smokes in operation "Taste the Freedom!".And Even if the Taliban got past the shepherd guard, that statue is weaponized to the grillz, its like some f**kin Optimus Prime shits!!! Beneath the statues giant bronze DO-RAG is a sophisticaed COMSAT satellite targeting system that will send out lasers of death if it so much as sniffs a bearded arab in an old blue toyota pickup!!!! And dont say its "profiling" its just hard facts we face in these hard times. The world is "Serious Business" now, after 9/11 freedom aint no John COugar Melloncamp song or some trained eagle flying to home plate - freedom is hard facts, like fact that Taliban stands for things that have no place in freedom and HIPHOP:

-Disrespecting women
-Dealing drugs
-Driving around in trucks with weapons

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .


EVeryone slammin Agent Zero for cribbing his land shark japes but how come no snubs for Gayton Payton???

In the '98 Playoffs the Glove was notorious for his trash talking but in recent interview Bennett Salvatore revealed that in Game 5 Payton's running stream on outrageous zingers was in fact a word-4-word, real-time ripoff of Don Rickles' routine from his legendary '68 engagement at The Sahara!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .


. . . . . . . . . . . . . .


The agoraphobic Gar Heard Robot reads it every morning! Anyone who shed tears over James Lang a friend of ours!

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on sale now!!!

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posted by wizznutzz

Friday, July 27, 2007


Our annual intern vacation has been cancelled cus SOMEONE lost our allowance!!!!!

We were all so excited for our annual summer trip to ANTHROCON 07 !!!!

August Strindberg aka "The VOLE" was going to be selling his newest graphic novel!


We have been Furries ever since Anthrocon 05 when Dana aka "Cloaca-Mae" was approached by a man in a vintage Winnie The Pooh suit with a sign that said "Touch My Honeypot Christopher Robin" and it turned out to Be fellow mascot enthusiast Jerry Stackhouse!!!

JStack turned us onto the whole scene and some weekends he would pick us up in his Escalade and we just roll , roll away with the wind in our hair... roll away from our uncomfortable bald naked manskins and from bald naked man-prejudice

ANyway so we needed to find housing for Anthrocon07 since Courtyard by Marriot banned furries after last year because of mascot-sized scats in the morning danish cart and that missing south african tourist found in the pouch of "Mike The Wallaby"

SO Jaarko posted on furrie message boards :
and a guy called "Foxwolfie" emailed us . He seemed nice enough!!


He promised us space in his den outside pittsburgh!!


But then he started talking to Jaarko about this money-making idea he had. He said he had a real sex tape of "a famous celebrity" and that he would sell it to Jarrko for $400 and that Jaarko could put it on our website and make millions for Pay-Per-View selling so Jaarko says "YOA!!!" and now we are out $400 and stuck with old betamax tape of what turns out to just be video of EVAN Longoria playing Nintendo 64 with his shirt off!!! SO long story short, we are back at Wheaton Plaza, but still in our fur constumery since we already paid for them. Circuit city loves us because The kids love us and because the mice dont!!!

And there was some mail in our box when we got back!



Word is ALL tha kids in tha Lebanese Discos r doing "The Ham"!!!!

K-FERG is Wizznutzz resident Cut Chemist. His remixes are legendary, like Bullets Fever 2K6 and the Queen James DnB Remix

KFERG is genious no doubt. He learned the damn KEYTAR at age 3. He was a keytar protege and the oldest of DR FINK'S 12 sons. DR FINK worked him hard, like earl woods, to give him the keytar opportunities he never had. He went on Carson and played "Stray Cut Strut" on synth at age 4!! Doc Severensen was visibly pleased!!!


shammgod wells

Greetings Wizznutzz,

Your faithful correspondent in the basketball backwoods of Elkhart, Ind., (former home of Shawn "Supersperm" Kemp!), Andrew, reporting in on the IBL "World Championship" held here in the friendly confines of North Side Gym Saturday night. The reigning champs, the Elkhart Express, hosted the Portland Chinooks for all the marbles, and eked out a 113-109 win. All was well in Elkhart, the new epicenter of the hoops world.

But one fact escaped me until Sunday evening: The Chinooks were piloted by none other than Shammgod Wells, AKA God Shammgod! God passed out 15 assists in the losing effort, but that's not all he dished out. From The Truth's story for publication Monday:

"After Elkhart had stormed back from a 17-point, third-quarter deficit to draw as close as 74-71 late in the period, the powerful and crafty Wells, a former NBA player and Providence College star, drove the lane on consecutive possessions, got fouled both times and hit all four free throws to restore the Chinooks' lead to 78-71.

With most in the crowd of 3,244 booing lustily, Wells shook his head and waved mockingly to the fans to turn up the volume as he stepped to the line, then held his hand to his ear halfway through each set of free throws as if to say, "I can't hear you."

That only riled up the fans more.

And their developing dislike for Wells may have been at least a little bit of what kept those fans fired up after Portland stretched its lead back out to 99-87 with just 7:23 remaining in the game.

Sweet irony how it all worked out.

After Elkhart took its first lead since the first quarter at 107-105, Wells had a chance to even the score with another pair of free throws.

He missed the first, the crowd squealed and laughed and roared in response, and the Chinooks never did catch the Express the rest of the way.

"He started it, and I'm glad he did," Elkhart guard Coleco Buie said after the game.

"It doesn't take much with our crowd," Express coach and owner Daimon Beathea said of Wells' third-quarter gestures, "but, yeah, I was glad to see it."

Certainly Cedric Moodie noticed, and Elkhart's season scoring leader didn't approve.

"Oh, yeah, I remember it," Moodie said of Wells' maneuvers. "I give them a lot of credit for being a good team, but I think they were kind of disrespecting us, too. They were kind of arrogant, and we didn't take that too well. We had to do what we had to do."

Teammate Correy Childs was a little more amused than Moodie, but ultimately, he thought Wells' ridicule played into the game as well.

"That's a typical New York guard," Childs said with a chuckle of the New York City native. "They like that type of stuff, but as a basketball player, you've just got to use it as motivation to work harder to stop him. He had a good game, but we did a pretty good job
on him."

Moodie, Tim Pledger, Rashi Johnson and Darmetreis Kilgore were among those who had turns at guarding Wells, who dominated during the first half, but was slowed considerably in the second.

Wells netted 14 points to go with 6-of-7 shooting from the field and 12 assists before intermission as Portland took a 60-45 lead, but added just seven points, 1-of-7 field-goal shooting and three assists after the break."

I thought you might be interested in hearing of Shamm's voyage to north-central Indiana. I also attached a photo of the veteran guard for your enjoyment.


Damn, Elkharrt fans are harsh! They boo god!

But This story is obviously faker than Jim Lynams tax return!

For one, we all know that when God isnt in the Chitown McDOnalds, that hes busy recording posthumus Tupac records. Second of all the names are obviously fake!

"Rashi Johnson"?? Only place u gonna find that name is on Danas caller ID! !!!

And "Moodie", "Tim Pledger", and "Darmetreis Kilgore"???

Those are all Harry Potter characters, not IBL playas!!!

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posted by wizznutzz

Friday, July 06, 2007

"N.B.A." RAP

Hurt 'Em Bad

12" Single : Groove Tunes Records : 1982
Out Of Print

God Shammgod just sent us a summer care package from china!!!

10 pounds of herpes resistant catifsh and a brand new mixtape!!!

On the mixtape was this super-rare madness "N.B.A. RAP" thats icin like tyson!!!

....The greatest Baller song of all time that dropped into the AM waves with tha heavy authority of a Greevy's potato skin about the time that Agent Zero was first pawing at Gil Srs linen blazer for a fruitfless teat!!

Shoot. Swoop. Loop Da Loop,
Ya take Caldwell Jones to the hoop
I said Slam. Pow. To hear tha sounds
of the swish of the nets from the turnaround

To give the game all that I got,
To never miss a jump shot
To capitalize on their mistakes
To run and gun on the fast break

Its the greatest rimes since Samuel Taylor Coleridge aka "STay COld" freestyled:

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome decree:
Up jump thee boogie,
To thy boggie to thee boggie do be

I know "Hurt em Bad" name sounds like some early Nine-Os New Jack Swingaz, but you better smell yourself before ya Ledell yoself cuz:

'NBA RAP' is vintage 1982!!!!

82!!!! Its like the first rap song ever!
All the Kidd n Play Creationists right now be saying "Wait, there were black people in 82??!!!"

Back in 82, rap was young and still experimenting: like a young college freshman David Stern when he moved into his dorm and met new roomate Randy Pontz, the physically confident, sexually adventurous jew warrior from new Paltz with his long legs and short towel

82! Yo to get a sense of how old skool that is, check it on our Hip-Hop NBA timeline:

1982 was:

-2 years before LeBron James was born!

-3 years before Larry Blackmon wore his codpiece outside of the house for the 1st time!!

-4 years before the great Helen Reddy appeared in Fat Boys movie Disorderlies!!

-10 years before Gheorghe Muresan made the Guinness Book for owning the baggiest pair of denim jeans in the world, then set another record that same summer for wearing them backwards at a Kriss Kross concert!

-12 years before Brent Price lost his respect and wife to brother Mark in a heated breakoff

-16 years before "CWebb" released the Gangsta epic 2Much Drama

-22 years before Tyrone "T-Nez" Nesby danced on stage with Peasants and New Democratic Party Union candidate Kazimira Prunskiene at a Lithuanian political rally!!

-25 years before Tony Parker drops coucougnettes and drops "TP"

-35 years before MC Brains is eligible for Rock n Roll Hall Of Fame!!!

All you Youtube SCorcese's dust off your throwback reels and git crackin!!

AND CHeck out God Shammgods mixtape for more music
and the Mothering Hut for all your fashion needz!!!!


posted by wizznutzz

Friday, June 15, 2007
Tha NBA came to a close last nite with all the dramaz of the 1987 series finale of "Gimme A Break" (I was sure Dolph Sweet was gonna get whacked!!!!)

Basketball analists all over are breaking down the endgamez today, but we have INCITES on wizznutzz we promise U WONT FIND ANYWHERE ELSE!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!

Cleveland fans wonderin "Wh-happen???" should



lebron james

Its a cautionary tale about the villagers of small hamlet called 'Cleveland' and a magic mule and greed and the savage burden of expectation and sudden fortune, and shows us all that even in timez of great despair, man can find comfort in the redemptive power of bacon.

Recorded on location in The Mothering Hut by wizznutzz intern, "Babyshambles", former livestock barrister and current caretaker of the Jarvis Hayes beef and sheep farm!

Check more astounding original recordings, including tha worldwide smash "QUEEN JAMES" at GOD SHAMMGOD'S MIX TAPE!


A commenter says we make fun of Z-Ilgz dead kids and thats over line. Oh my Yes it is way way over the line. And we live on this side of the line and so we know!! But wizznutzz and especially intern Babyshambles is far far too simple to know that Mr Z and his wife actually had a real tragedy once in childbirth and our joke was only just to make fun of his creepy burrying-stuff-in-the-woods appearance - we swear on the knees of Llorenzo Williams and our regret is tru. Please take our aoplogy and send your monies to Mr Ilgauskas children chairities at The Cleveland Clinic


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posted by wizznutzz

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Most awesome song ever over at God Shammgods MP3 Blog!

The Ballad Of Manute Bol!!!!!

Check it out!!!!!

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posted by wizznutzz

Monday, October 16, 2006
SAd news on Friday: The Bullets released Party John Ramos, star of the Roanoke Dazzle, shotgun rider during the Andray Blatche carjacking, and Yao Ming's BFF.

As you can see from his tears above, Party John has had a tough time of it. He only started balling when he turned 14 and his ice skates no longer fit. He played 4 years in the Puerto Rico leagues before the Wiz drafted him in the second round in 2004. PJ spent most of that year handing out towels on the Wiz bench and trying to fend off the advances of G-Wiz, and he spent most of last year buying meaty sambucas for co-eds in Roanoke.

But this year was make it or break it off for Party John: He couldn't go back to the NBDL and the Wiz already had 97 players under guaranteed contracts. Party John and Donnel Taylor and Roger Mason Jr. and Randell Jackson and David Vanterpool were fighting for the two open slots, but after a lackluster Camp Lorenzo, the 7'3" hardwood vixen was sent packing.


After Abe wandered in and gave him an "MVP cake," Party John slipped on his platform shoes, put on his shiny jacket, and took that long walk down Fun Street one last time. He then got sidetracked by the Spy Museum and fell asleep in the School for Spies exhibit.

Adios, amigo, adios. Here's our grief in song....


When are you gonna come down?
When are you going to land?
You should have stayed on the invitro farm
You should have listened to Darvin Ham

The Wizards can't hold you forever
The Dazzle didn't sign up with you
Your skull's not a present for friends to open
A Frankenstein can't be singing the blues

So goodbye, Party John Ramos
Where the Seadogs of society howl
They can't plant you in the doghouse
Unless you stay at Agent Zero's house

Back to the howling old Wes in the woods
Hunting the horny black Bogues
You've finally decided where your future lies
Beyond the Bullets brick road

What do you think you'll do then?
I bet you'll take out your brain
Then you'll pour in a meaty sambuca
To set you on your feet again

Maybe they'll find a replacement
There's plenty like Calvin around
Mongrels who ain't got a penny
Sniffing for tidbits like you on the ground

If you prefer to download an MP3 for later use in your Sony Walkmen, right click & save on the track name below!!!

WizzNutzz & the Meaty Sambucas
"Goodbye, Party John Ramos" (Dagger Mix)
God's Mixtape

If you want to hear some more WizzNutzz-related jamz, go to God's Mixtape or visit our MySpace page where we're streaming tonz of HITZ. While you're there add us as your friend!!! BFF!!!!!!

Download your own Party John Ramos Wallpaper!

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posted by wizznutzz