With the Wiz heading to the lottery the time is coming soon when we have to ask ourselves not only what team will look like next year but who will even be coaching it.
There is Ed Tapscott, who has done a fine job making sure nobody on the team has died since he took over. And then there are all those big names coaches with storied coaching historiez out there too. So it sure raised our eyebrows the other day to read Ivan the Credibles reporting that The Wiz might be "GROOMING WES UNSELD JUNIOR FOR THE JOB!!!"
More specific please! Cuz the organization has been grooming Wes unseld SENIOR for the last 15 years! Not to be coach. Just grooming him. It is DCs least popular intern position! It takes 5 interns to bath wes senior: 3 to hold him still, one to scrub, and one to drive to PETCO to get more shampoo! No we kid big wes cuz we love him and also we love him best when he's retired from coaching
Now We Know Mr Drummond loved Willis most of all, and that Abe has mad loyalty for his adopted 1st son Wes Unseld but unless your last name is Tequila you dont get a trophy for having a friend in this world. Abes mind must be riddled with nostalgia.
What is his thinking, that Wes Unseld Jr can capture the coaching magic of his dad?
The magic of a 202-345 record and a magician who only got the job in first place because he had a school bus license????
Is this part of a master plan to create Bullets: The Next Generation?
Hey memo to Wizards, this is an NBA team, not the Muppet Babies!!!!
You cant build a winner by building a team that REMINDS YOU of a winner!
Or maybe we should! !!!
MAybe we should go all in, go get Mitch's boy Max Kupchack! Sure hes only 9 but he could walk on and lead this joint is assists. Make Manute Bol Jr head of Public Relations! Get Nils Lofgren Jr to cut a hit song! Put Juwan Howards 28 year old daughter in charge of player hygeine. her name is "Maxine" - he named her after his contract!
Or while we on this run like Logan, why not just dial the clock all the back????
You know Cheniers itching to play, plus hes already right there courtside, and most nights hes wearing his mesh shorts and Pony hightops under the scorers table. Go get The Big E to trade his badge for one last shot at a title. Bring back the 10 cent half smoke, Hoops the Mascot, bring back Robin Ficker, and the Free Dunkin Yo-Yo Night! Have dudes just playing for their city and for their love of the game and for their per diem.
ANd do whatever it takes to get Susan O'Malley back. Thats #1 priority. Give her a Lord and Taylor Black Card and send her to Alexandre de Paris de Fair Oaks Mall for a championship perm. (Only 3 people get that last joke!! can one of them please explain it to us????)
SO In the spirit of Abe Pollin and His Wayback Machine:
Its "The Fat Lady SIngs"!!!
The Radio Documentary of the 78/79 championship season narrated by Werner "FRANK" Herzog, only available until now on LPs found at Glover Park garage sales!!!!!!
Well we got this record for many years now. When you play it backwards it says "Greg Ballard is an Albino" over and over!!!!!
So we have cracked out our Akai tape2tape and made a smash old school cut, cobbling together bits of the soft-funk that hides deep in the soundtrack like Big Oily in a box score!!
We present wizznutzz exclusive:
"HANGIN WITH THE BULLETS: The Fat Lady's Funk Remix!!!!"
And DC kids start yelling "Fire Coach Jordan!" and "Blow It Up!" and "Pass The Sharpie!" and "Hopla-Hopla-Horray!"
Sure all thingz were pointing to an Annus Horribilis, and were not talking about Steve Blakes new niteclub on K Street (Biz Markie, VIP group showers, whats not to like?!)
Sure Coach looked overwelmed these first few weeks. The Princeton offense was out of sorts and even worse was the Steinitz Defense - not the famous one, but the less known one the chess hustlers in the park call "Pawns Fall Down."
Coach was emptying the bench quicker than when Justice Scalia ruled on Gay Seals V. Jesus!
Watching Eddie coach last week wuz like watching a dude trapped in a Bergman film having to play Jenga against Death!!!
"Be patient, cuz WHITE FLINT WASNT BUILT IN A DAY!!!!!!"
Tha season is 82 games long plus these times should be dreamier than eating cheese in Xanadu for all youz "More Minutes For Randell Jackson" "More Minutes For Terry Davis" "More Minutes The Martin Ruffin One" , u types who always think the answer to lifes problems lies with tha rookie raw and rail thin kid sitting on the end of the bench, because if my name aint "CZABES LINK OF THE DAY", this time it does lie with the kid cuz The Vale of Cashmere is blowing up all over town!!! hes the first DC playa since Rip Hamilton that has caught Michael Wilbons wandering eye and that was only cuz Rip was wearing a Jordan shirt and holding a bag of cheeseburgers, and Agent Steinz's beat couldnt be getting more colorful if he wuz the cop patrolling Lionel City USA so jump up off your Fox Fatboys and cheer cuz when The Vale takes the court, just look at the tape on his shoes, it say JESUS + FORESKIN = HOLY CHEEZE!!!!
Big Gheorgge give The Vale thumbs up, and Agent Zero gave him props but also said "He's doing a good job now.... but he's got to slow down in his mind" !!! hahahah Gil telling someone they braining to much??!!! Thats like the pot calling the kettle "Potsie"!!!
SO it was during all this time of Coach unda-pressa and the big new kid with the 12 foot arms and the middle name of MESH LIFE that it was so awesome and poetricious for us to find best piece of food-sponsored basketball memorabilia since we bought Manute Bols lunch.
Circa 1974 ultra-rare autographed McDonalds Washington Bullets promo posters. Starring : KC, Dave Bing, Mike Riordan, and...
Check out that pleather codpiece!!!! Not regulation size and weight most definitnetly!!! We scanned in Wes and made a lifesize poster!!! it keeps the looters away from the Circuit City!
Other times people stop us in the street and they ask us:
"WIzznutzz, I have heard you talking about people called 'MACHOSENSUALS' before.
What is a Machosensual??"
or they ask
"I have this feeling sometimes and think It might mean I am a Machosensual. How do I know???"
Well if that feeling you have feels like the spruce, brawny feeling of showering lumberjacks, then YES, you are a machosensual!!
Still confused?? Dont worry, most machosensuals are!!
That is because the heart of a Machosensual beats for two.
Two energies that is, opposite energies that r happening at the very same time in one vainglorious space of wild finery!!!!!
At the same time there is the MASCULINITY of man in his native, naked, virile beauty and also the FEMININITY of desiring to celebrate and attend to that beauty. A beard is macho, but a trimmed, recently shampooed beard is machosensual!
Machosensuality IS Rugged Tidiness! Machosensuality IS Pressed Masculinity! Machosensuality IS NOT cargo shorts and fistfulls of cold sliders! Machosensuality is soft YET turgid. Moist AND meaty!!
It is the thrilling duality of feeling big manly hands at your throat, and noticing how smoothly conditioned they are with the faint scent of oatmeal and, maybe lavendar?, as they crush your f**king windpipe!! !!!
Q: Am I Normal?
A: Yes! Machosensuality is the most normal thing in the world!!!
Grooming is a natural part of nature. All animals take time to consider their appearance. Animals are the cleanest animals in the world, and rarely walk around with out-of-fashion Caesar haircuts. Wallabys even have a pouch that carries around a nutrient rich, sanitizing lotion that dermatologists would kill for!!! One dermatologist actually DID kill for it, his name is Dr Z and he almost lost his license!!! Before you judge him though ask yourself the question: have you ever seen a wallaby with dandruff???
Q: Does being machosensual mean i like men??
A: Yes, but it means you only like one man in whole world and that man is you! Admire him! but admire him fast cuz hes about to kick your ass!
Well sometimes its best to identify if u r a machosensual by seeing if you have some of the classic traits of one.
You may be a MachoSensual if you:
-Own a replica bomber jacket -Kept the certificate of authenticity for your replica bomber jacket -Like waxing your car -Like waxing your thighs -Tuck in your flannel shirt -TiVO razor commercials -Posed for your high school yearbook photo leaning against a porsche -Posed for your high school yearbook photo leaning against a porsche and it wasn't really your porsche but but u went to a porsche dealership to take the picture
If you don't have any of these classic symptoms, there are some more modern MS behaviours seen in sports fans that you might see for yourself:
Machosensuals have been around for ever, since caveman first cracked open the aloe leaf.
The Roman Empire was the great Machosensual Empire.
Especially in the movie Spartacus.
If you took the leather medicine ball that Kirk DOuglass and Woody Strode tossed each other between takes and you were able to extract the sweaty man oils from it you would have 100% pure essence of machosensual.
It would be so potent that with only one drop you could get Bea Arthur pregnant!!!!
It would be so powerful you could make a cologne for jesus out of it.
Q: Jesus Wears Cologne??
A: Have you been to a Tunisian disco lately???
If you have then you would have noticed one thing right away. well first u would have noticed the relentless acid trance and the strict "No Sandals" policy, even tho they let Jesus wear sandals. Jesus can wear anything he wants in niteclubs, industry code, but JC doesnt want to showboat, he saves his miracles for dancefloor cuz only policy JC follows is "No Ego" policy, so JC usually shows up in his Bally Nasters. But the MAIN thing you would notice inside is the choking stink of counterfeit cologne. Theres enough "Tonny" Hilfiger cologne in a Tunisian disco to sterilize a schoolbus!!!!
Q: "Woody Strode" is an awesome name for a machosensul right?
Q: Is Machosensualism a Science or a Religion???
A: It is BOTH!!!
Maybe you have seen one of these fliers on your windshield???
Its for the Divine Church of Machosensual Science and it was founded by Christian Laettner in 2001 with the mission to spread Christian's faith and promote the self-improvement triad:
"Cleanse the Soul. Cleanse the Body. Cleanse the Mind. Rinse. Repeat." (TM)
As missionaries of The Divine Church of Machosensual Science like to say:
"May we look in your bathroom?"
but they also like to say:
"God created man in his divine image, and He said unto man, 'Mantain thy holy image against the earthly sins of wear through daily applications of balm and fragrance. Seek thee regularly the manpamperers, for blessed are the manpamperers, and for Vainglory is thy name!'"
Of course, Sister Christian wasnt the first Machosensusal NBA player, in fact did you know one of the great Machosensualists of all time played right here in DC???
Just look at this amazing portrait that JE SKEETS sent over!!!!
Look at those eyes!!! the deep, penetrating stare of youthful, erotic self-purpose.... Look at those lips!!! with their supple violence...
All that crazed vulnerability, Wes looks like a young STUDIO 54 BUSBOY who dreams of his big break and just answered an ad in Backstage Magazine for an "independent film" photocall:
"Independent Film project seeks young, male actor for lead supporting role. Must possess an ambitious, scowling beauty. Must be husky, well built, vigorous, and perfect. Must be comfortable with nudity. No previous experience required. No cops."