First of our wizards team have gone into RAUL CASTRO mode!!!! They are trying to find someone desperatly who can fill their leaders shoes. All the Castro brothers are having to step up, even Kevin Castro and Ed Begley Jr Castro. Just trying to keep this shit together til a real leader can get back on the court. Tuff Juice has hurt his womb and Gilbert has had double setbacks of knee injury and having production halted on GAZO THE PRANKSTA series due to writers strike.
Everybody is having their troubles. Coach Jordan says about Rookies: "They are like zippers, they are up or down". Dana has her own saying about zippers but its about balls n' teeth know what Im saying Chantilly Boys Club!!!! Well our rookies are also like velcro - once upon a time they seemed like the next big thing. But there is such unstopping joy in watching Nick and Dominic bandy about with their playful smiles. They are like Polar Bear cubs happily ruffhousing in the snow , and they have no idea what global warming is doing to their world like drowning their mother and terrorizing Billy Joels Sagaponack beach house and making penguins queer. Meantime Andray Blatche is having sophmore troubles. He couldnt be more skinny and bipolar if he was 6 OClock. We should call him PAYCHECK cuz hes just trying to get from game to game. Dray is like a brother walking into an old pawn shop: he's either grinnin and winnin cuz hes about to lay down some packet for an Akai HiFi (auto rewind son!) and hes feeling on top of the world --- or hes slinkin in shoulders down, hoodie up full o shame cuz hes about to sell the family sandwich-maker to buy himself a busticket to nowhere.
Meanwhile The Brown Hornet is hurting. we know how much he likes to throw himself into the fight, he likes the hive, the thrill of contact, the sock potchy makes him know hes alive, but AD has taken so much abuse now and its catching up on him. We all love pratfalls, like Mr Bean, but then Mister Bean walks into an episode of OZ, yeah his funny walks make the inmates laugh at first but by the time the credits roll trust me its a place of shaved eyebrows, broken mimes and lost smiles. Meantime hes a drawing of Darius SOngalia aka NARWHAL THE UNICORN SLAYER!!!!
Meantime DeShawn Stevenson aka THE LOCKSMITH has been filling the arena with the clangs of his overconfidence but goddam if he didnt get Steve Buckhantz to ring out a Yabba Dagger Do the other night!!
I love the LOCKSMITH for a name for DeShawn as much as the next man, but I dont really understand what it means???? It means he collects peoples keys so they cant drive correct? But that dont sound like no locksmith to me, that sounds to me like A DESIGNATED DRIVER!!
Roger Mason Junior got some swagger of his own, but Mase has a smooth swagger, u never see the brother sweat. Mase doesnt strut, he slides about like a basketball gumby, he cruises around like hes Radio Rahemm Junior holding one of those old boomboxes that plays LP records and hes lookin cool but also keeping the Newcleus 12 incher from skipping a beat.
Meantime in the game against CHicago last week the announcing team of Flo and Eddie (thats our generic name for all NBA announcing duos that pair a black pro and a white joe) had lots of fun making fun of Big Oily after Andres Nocioni rode him like an albino Orlov Trotter.
Well hey we are all for making fun of foreigners here. especially Andres Nocioni who as we say beforeis one of 3 DIRTIEST PLAYERS OF ALL TIME
He is dirty in mind and body and act and his foul 4skin is like weekold tapas (Tapas: food for pockets NOT men)
Argentina has only given world two things, TORTURE and MEN WHO SMELL LIKE OLD LAMB.
Only way to deal with players like Nocioni aka THE DIRTY WAR is to be dirty back to em and hit em where it counts, right in the Southern PAMPAS!!!!
(If any argnetina people have problems with this writing then why dont you do something about it and invade Wheaton. No Seriously, you should. Wheaton aint not no Falklands. shit the president would probably just let you have it. )
SPeaking of Playfull Commentatorz, good lordy, i suppose you have all seen these videos of Steve and Phil getting all Sam and Frodo and turning Verizon Center into worlds biggest Buddy Booth!
It was most taboo act of affection since Wolf Blitzer and Alan Keyes crossed streams in a Velocity Grill urinal!!!!
Lets take a look!
Steve Buckhantz's Kiss Cam kiss is playful, sweet, and "simply sensational!"
Phil , having been awakened, delivers a lurching, insistent, hungry kiss. Violent! Disturbing!
Which we took ourselves of Phil and Steve during a 1988 Washington Bullets Charity Cruise!
They will probably delete it soon since the Steve Buckhantz Wikipedia Page page is monitored by a force of two hundred webmaster at all times but it reads:
Recently Steve kissed co-commentator Phil Chenier while on the Verizon Center Kiss Cam against the New Orleans Hornets 3/02/08. It was a friendly peck on the forehead. Shape up buckhantz, ya fruit
But while there is new passion between these two sports commentators, there is hi tension these days in the Washington Post sports department!!!!
For months Tony Kornheiser, aka the Hugo Chavez of sports radio, has been launching angry threats and polemics at our boy, the gentle but cunning AGent Steinz, and just when things threaten to explode, TK backed down and drew a cordon sanitaire around Agent Steinz. What in Joe-Jacobys-wife-Irene is a cordon sanitaire??? Hint: its not a french tampon and has something to do with why they dont have GoGo shows in MacLean.
Then all of sudden Michael Wilbon, showing the protective fires of his North Scottsdale working class roots, goes into a blind rage and threatens to BEAT DOWN DAN STEINBERG!!!
This is a fight we would all like to see!!!!
How about it Comcast PPV???!!!
In one corner:
the MSM heavyweight champ, driving around Arizona for a night on the town in his late model Lexus, fresh off a round of golf, with his make up artists in the passenger seat, tipping generously on aged steak.
In the other corner:
the underdog, the calorie restricted blogger whose days begin with rousing a sleeping Unsilent Majority from the backseat of his early-model Fiero, and ends with bailing a shirtless Mike Wise out of jail.
Why not make it a full on Gang War? !!! Straight up Warriors style, out back in the Greveys parking lot, with TK taunting "Bloggers come out and play-ay-ay..."
Wilbon and his crew ,
aka The Old Glories
aka The Mock Turtleneckz:
Don McNabb, MJ, Barkley, Elton John, Woodey Paige
Steinz and his favorite D-listers and sun-blind web ferals: Gilbert, Gilberts cable repairman, Bobby Boz, Brandon Lloyd, The Dead Tree Crew and Susan O'Malley's mom
But it wouldnt even be a fair fight. Sure Wilbon honed his fighting skills beating down choir boys at St. Ignatius College Prep , but the bloggers are Margot Kidder Crazy, they got flyweight frame, heavyweight attitude, they r cagey and desparate, and they fight fast and dirty. While Wilbons boys fight like Skip Prosser, with old fashioned determination, the bloggers fight like Dick Prosser, ready to snap at any moment and unleash psychic violence and repressed fury. WIlbon would step into the fray and next thing he know he got 5 little white boys on his back, choking him with his own Fendi manpurse and clawing at the soft bits while Mitch Albom cries and pleads:
Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harms we do, we do to ourselves.
Here is the two part, official WIZZNUTZZ WILBON v STEINBERG FIGHT RE-ENACTMENT!!
Little known fact: The lyrics featured here include "THE INNER CITY STAR HANGING IN YOUR TITTY BAR" which is also the manifesto of C Webb's Time Out Foundation!
This is the debut single from C Webb's (pseudonym!!!) 2 Much Drama album---sad sad, his only one thus far! Dear Mayce Edward Christopher Webber III, please drop Tyra, obtain Pro-Tools, cut more jamz!!! "Gangsta Gangsta" features a sample from the most hard-core, most bitch-slappinest, most drug dealinest, most carjackingest music in the world: Seals & Croft's 1967 cut "Sweet Green Fields." FALL BACK, PLAYA HAAYTAZZZ!!!! "Gangsta! Gangsta!" also features the Young Gotti hissssself, Kurupt!!! This is a career move that cannot be overrated. Phi Slama Jama!
TOMORROW ADIDAS UNVEILS "GilTV.COM" AND 4 DEVASTATING NEW SHORT FILMS STARRING MARVIN BRANDO, NACHO ARENAS AND AGENT ZERO!!!!!!
THERE ARE NO WORDS TO SAY NOW EXCEPT: WHEN DID MARIO VAN PEEBLES START FILMING MY DREAMS???
ITS AMAZING WHAT CAN BE ACHIEVED WHEN YOU TAKE THE GREATEST BASKETBALL PLAYER ON THE WORLD, THE CREATIVE POWER OF ADIDIAS, , MATHEW BARNEY'S SPARE LOBSTER SUIT, AND SOME STRIKE-BREAKING WRITERS FROM UCLA FILM SCHOOL!!!!
Thursday, October 18, 2007
in 1979 Abe Pollin took the World Champion Bullets on a goodwill tour downtown to Chinatown!!!!!
Wes, Elvin, Mitch and the boys had a great time and opened their arms to a new culture and came back with all their organs! A successful trip!! The trip was important for basketball and the world because back then was a time when we didnt understand China and their were lots of stereotypes, and im not talking stereotypes like Sony and Hitachi though those are fine chinese stereos. Now we have come so far in 30 years and in 2007 is a time when you would NEVER, EVER see someone make a crude, ignorant, offensive video like THIS:
Our summer vacation is coming to a close. We have been on a long hianus but we are riding americas great bus system to come home to you!!!!
It has been a quiet offseason for the WIzards. Even for Agent Zero oh except for building ONE MILLION HOMES!!!!!!
But the new season is gonna be hot , hot like "Staff Party Hot" at Royal Bengal Restaurant, hot for us and hot for Agent Zero.
He showed us his TAKEOVER 08 "TO DO LIST" and i can tell u now its got some whoppers!!! We cant spoil the planz yet, but heres a sample:
Gil unveils plan to stop Global Warming!!!! Our tip: if you got stock in Airship International, double down cuz someones gotta build those ONE MILLION BLIMPS!!!!
When we move back into our offices at the Wheaton Plaza Circuit City we expect all the big TVs to have the damn football on them. We hate football these days especially in Washington football .
We have a coach who don't care about harvesting nuts because he's waiting for the rapture when all the white man from Houston and suburban VA will all fly up to heavan to be with Jesus and David Duchovnys naked ass , while we all suffer down on earth stuck in an eternal drive-time slot with Doc Walker.
And why is everyone so high on Jason Campbell already??? Why r u so blind so loyal?? Did Dan Snyder lure Leni Reifenstahl out of retirement?? People all say how much poise he has for "standing up in the pocket" .. Its like Chris Rock says : " You SUPPOSED to stand up in the pocket you low expectation-having motherfucker! !!!!
One thing we are very happy thouigh, is when Redskins signed SUFJAN STEVENS as their kicker. We love his poignantly observant play, and we love the Sadcore open mic nite he hosts Tuesday nights at Greveys. Last week I wept on my poppers when Shar Pourdanesh uttered the lines "I died a miniature death" .. SharPo was showing some serious ASSonance!!!!!
I also am so tired from all the Football Analists and Incite-men on the pregame shows. I have never seen so much ill-fitting Van Heusen since John Feinstein's Bah Mitzvah!!!!!
Jaws is just yapping and yapping away and no one has heart to stop him or tell him that he the place he bought his his glasses at - Anne Klein , that thats a store for women!
JAWS: "Yes well Tony, every team has divisions in the the lockerroom but ultimately whether that team wins or loses depends on how they are able to put those differences in perspective on Sunday morning and win some football games. I'll tell you a story, when I was a rookie in 1977 and Carl Hairston had this thing where he would walk around the lockerroom naked after a game, eating biscuits. And he would get biscuit crumbs all over the shower floor and make a real mess and a lot of guys weren't happy about it but they weren't about to say anything to big Carl."
TONY: "HA! Carl Hairston eating biscuits? Well at least it wasn't JERRY Hairston eating biscuits!!! Right Jaws???"
JAWS: Right Tony! So I'm looking at Carl and I'm thinking, wow I haven't seen a naked black man eat in the shower since I was a kid growing up in Lackawanna and my family took in a guy who worked at the lumber mill with my dad and who had hit a tough streak. Next thing I'm thinking to myself: "You know, I think I'd like to take off my clothes an eat biscuits too" but I was a rookie and you know, the thing about naked rookies is, some guys are just going to take that the wrong way,that's just the way it is. So when it came down to it in the end, I had to make the call that so many young men have to make in a pro football lockerroom : "Am I gonna be a gay biscuit eater or am I just gonna' be a naked guy eating biscuits?"
And if i want to watch football games I want to watch football, not RACIST ROUNDTABLE, like when on MNF the guys are broken up about Andy Reids sons Britt and Garrett being in trouble with the law and saying their hearts go out to Andy and its every parents nightmare and "There but for the grace of god go we".....
Are we talking about the Same Britt and Garrett who ON THE VERY SAME DAY in different places on the earth where people were minding thier own business and living their lives and rushing to the post office with innocent joy to get the package of duty free whitefish that their finnish friend had mailed them in individual Media Mail pouches covered in salty stamps that featured the great "CIVIL RIGHTS LEADERS OF FINLAND" and then in one car comes Britt, high on blow and aiming a loaded gun at people while gentle Garrett spends the morning shooting smack into his fat neck, oh you know smack, its that drug the Taliban makes!!! so he can get the courage up to run a red light and smash into someone and then back to Brett who gets anxious waiting for trial starring at the peeling Fatheads on the wall in his dads mansion so he gets loaded and does some more blow and gets back into his car for a another round??!!!!!
You mean THAT Brett and Garrett????? Thats not Andy Reids worst nightmare, thats everyone else worst nightmare right. Hey we all miss our fraternitys, all that sunburn and nerfball in the halls and unreported date rapes guys, but really now!!! Lock em up Rusty!!!
Then not 5 days later I hear the guys on Fox NFL postgame telling Donny McNabb , who by the way gets called "N***er" by his own fans - that he should "SHut up and play" and not bring up "race" . Tru fact.
ENUFF OF THIS CHINO POWER PROPOGANDA!!!!!
As For Our SUmmer, Here is What our Interns Have been Upto:
DANA: Was last seen cashing a huge check from Travis Henry, slapping down a $1000 bill at Apollo Liquor store for 2 Bottles of Cristal and a tube of Blistex.
He didnt have time to talk much but he emailed us this photo of him enjoying himself at Gotland Spa, geeting all galenskap with local rap stars like Looptroop, Snoopy and MC Tim
KEN: Ken has been spending the summer at Luray Caverns. He wasnt part of any tour or anything, he just wandered and found a dark hole and climbed in. He missed the mothering hut!!! When i saw him a couple days ago the duct tape that we had tied around his head to protect his ears, like they do to rugby players , it was almost all gone!!!
Miss WIlmer Jones-Ham-McTorchy-McZee is very ambitious politiically, she is like Lady McZee MacBeth , and Darvin is worried that she is up to something like that time she used playing cards to hypnotise Michael Adams for 7 years!!!!
JAARKO: Our intern Jaarko spent his summer doing his usual job as Herring boy at Borga Segelsallskap Yacht Club and called me to tell me he was flying home to "Dull" Virginia and to pick him up, and I said "you mean 'Dulles' Virginia?" and he said "That is right 'Dull" Virginia, haha!!!" its on old joke he plays that never gets old! But then I hear this meesage on my phone yesterday:
"My friends I will be late coming to America, for the problems I have at airport. When I am in transit lounge I am eating my pickled fish see and reading in magazine of how Kiefer Sutherland is making his muscles so big while I am waiting when the lady tells me to eat my fish somewhere else please, so I go into airport toilet and close door to enjoy my snak and then man next to me, he is also in toilet, he taps his feet next to me and wave his hand under the wall that is between us and he coughs and I think I know what he means, for he wants me to share my snack with him!!!! And so I put a big cold smelt in his hand and say "a big treat for a big man!" Then when they call for my plane I am going to check in and I am pulled aside and a man in a uniform put his wand under my robes. This slows me down and I'm not even to security yet!!!! Finally I am here at security now and they are now asking me questions about forms I give them. Maybe you know what is problem? They ask me about any "genocide" and I tell them I have medicine from National health for it! And they ask me about what I doing in Finland and now I am showing them!!! Wait and now some more men are coming to me now, they have moustache like me but also angry face I dont understand what is happening...... hullo men!.... wait no do not doin that to me men.... no please, no, DON'T TASE ME VELI!!!!!!!"
that was end of message!!
ANYway, we spent our summer Watching All The Big Summer BLOCKBUSTER MOVIES!!!!
We saw Marvin Brando's new movie "CAPS FOR SALE 2: PEDDLER DEADLY" . David Foster Wallace was great as the voice of the Monkey. I didnt know monkeys could play tennis!!!
Then we saw the Tyler Perry movie: "BLACK STEREOTYPES SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS LORD!"Also it was awesome!
And our favorite of all was the #1 big budget summer comedy with Robin Williams and Eddie Murphy called "BIG RED FONT!" It is outrageous! but not as outrageous as how that genius Tom Shaydac can turn $200 million dollars into an air conditioned afternoon of laughs!!!
HERE ARE SOME MORE SUMMER MOVIES WE HAVE BEEN ENJOYING!!!!
CAPTAIN KANGAROO'S BIG SECRET
If you ever wonder why our intern Jaarko can afford so all those courtside seats and top shelf Cloudberry liquer is because he earns royalties from his Uncle Espoo Ruutu who was a "friend" in hit Finnsih feltcore band "Fredi and Friends" Jaarko has lots of movies of his uncle because he is so proud.
Our favorite one is Fredi and Friends performing "PUMP PUMP" at the 1976 Eurovision finals. Thats Espoo on the keyboard!!
Espoo also got monies for writing the song "Sata Salaama" aka "Eye of the Reindeer" in 1987!!!
Wizznutzz have exclusive footage of Gilbert Arenas (screen name "Agent ARenas") playing Halo with his Final Boss teammates!!! I havnt seen an owner taking on his own team like this since ABe Pollin beat Kevin Porter and Ricky SObers at the annual Cap Center "Pollock 4 Poorfolk" imitation crab eating contest!!!
You can hear Agent ARenas groaning alot, thats cause hes getting whipped, and hes getting whipped because he spends the whole game in a corner challenging Avery Johnson to a one-handed grenade throwing contest!!!!
WELL HUNG AND SNOW WHITE TAN
Exclusive footage of Darius SOngalia and the whole Lithuanian mens basketball team getting happy, getting naked!!! The team gets paid so little from the Lithuanian government since they spent all 2007 fiscal budget financing Tyrone Nesbys rap career that they had to make ends meet by performing in a mobile all-male review. Who wants to change a tire!!!
I havnt seen so many happy naked men since I caught my dad backstage at Tap Dogs!
So we caught up with 'Dray this summer laying low, staying away from ladies of the night.
FIRST WE CAUGHT UP WITH HIM STAYING AWAY FROM LADIES AT "FLIRT" NITECLUB ON K STREET!!!
DeShawn, Gilbert , Caron and Rog Mason came along!!!
Is that Stephen A Smith at the 2:08 mark???
THEN WE CAUGHT UP WITH ANDRAY AVOIDING THE NASTY AT 2AM AT SPANK NITECLUB!!!!
DOnell and DeShawn and Twan and Carlos Rogers were all there! SO was Andrays sex rehab sponsor FRED SMOOT!!!
IS ANTAWN IS THE FASHION FORWARD SMALL FORWARD or what!!!!
We will forgive the Yankees Hat 'Twan, because we know u just wore it to match your navy tanktop!!!! Check out that thick piping!!! Hey who invited King Louis XIV's poolboy????!!!!!
O-TOWN IN SNO-TOWN!
Hot new rap video from an underground ALASKAN Hip Hop group called, really,:
"THE CHARLES OAKLEY PROJECT"
THE ORIGINAL JORDAN MULES
Speaking of O-Town, we enjoyed watching him eat cheetos and slapping around the David Beckham of Finland: Scottie Pippin, in an the awesome new documentary "THE SEED OF SALIERI" that charts the roots of Michael Jordans narcissism and bitter jealousy.
We r introduced to the original Jordan Mules, whom MJ calls "My Pigeons".
We r introduced to Michaels gambling, his greed, his bullying.
But the star of the movie is a young Doug Collins. He reveals for the first time his homoerotic intentions for young Salieri. In a series of candid, confused, darkly cliche monologues we see the young sycophant, the wily, hungry, fawning swain with the crooked smile. There is much forshadowing of the relationship to come, you can see coach Collins realises how special this moment is, to meet another younger, more gifted, more admired, more self absorbed man, and fall in ugly love for him, and have a once in a lifetime opportunity to feed off of his glory like a filthy lake-bed snake.
Psychanalists say that the desire to live vicariously through the anchievement of others is a common symptom of fullblown narcissim. One psychoanalist called "Dr Sam" wrote a book about Collins and MJ and he called in "THE MALIGNANT HEART"
"Narcissism" is the substitution of a False Self for the True Self. This, arguably, is the predominant feature of narcissism: the True Self is repressed, relegated to irrelevance and obscurity, left to degenerate and decay.
Horrified by the absence of a clearly bounded, cohesive, coherent, reliable, and self-regulating self – the mentally abnormal person resorts to one of the following solutions, all of which involve reliance upon fake or invented personality constructs:
The Appropriation Solution – This is the appropriation, or the confiscation of someone else's self in order to fill the vacuum left by the absence of a functioning Ego.
Another thing that is causing some serious foreshadowing is Dougs perm!!
With that hair and that grafic print argyle Doug looks like a keyboard player with tha CHuck Mangionie band!!!
Man check out all "mmm-mm-mmm-uh-huh-yes" COUGARS in that crowd! Poor 'Tan!! Cougars with degrees in AFrican American studies are the scariest cougars of all!!! Cuz they are PROUD COUGARS! These aint no Sisters of The Yam son and when they get u home they gonna want to see what your oral skilzz are REALLY about, u know what im sayin!!!! theyll invite u back to their place at the Private Estates at Musty Downs and work u hard. U be coming up for air, the P Cougz be like "Did you hear me tell you you could stop?? Get back down there Levert, what do you think you doing, bobbin for apples???!!"
INTO THE MILD aka THE MIKE RUFFIN BIOBLITZ!!
I know when you hear "Bioblitz" u r like us and think of Juan Dixon's new line of anitseptic deoderants but this is much bigger, much better than that!!!
Our FAVORITE summer movie by far is this documentary about Micahel Ruffin leading an ill-fated expedition of inner city children throuigh the wilds of rock creek park!!!
Ruffin set aside his cripplingfearofsquirrels to enter the muggy thicket like an urban crocodile hunter, wrestling isopods, rescuing fawns, fondling snake, calming a disoriented Calbert Cheany who stumbled from the undergroth complaing of "bad berries"
My favorite part is when the lady says:
"(Mike Ruffins) children are the next generation of stewards of the National Park Service"!!!!
Take that ice caps!!! Ranger Ruffins are on the case!!!
So very very very very very much more on this movie later in the season!!!
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Cleveland, Vous Ne Gagnerez Rien
At Wizznutzz HQ (well, at the Wizznutzz HQ auxiliary, since Darvin won't let me into the loading dock of the Circuit City at Wheaton Plaza anymore), we subscribe to the Washington Post both to have newsprint on which to cool cookies after they come out of the oven and to ensure that we are fully up to date on the latest doings of Washington sports teams. You know, because the paper has the word "Washington" in the name.
Imagine my horror when I picked up the "Outlook" section (there was a steak on the front of it) and found an article by some joker named Dan Chaon titled "Cleveland, Je T'Aime," propounding the unappreciated greatness of the Mistake by the Lake and hymning the emergence of the Queen and his royal retinue on the bright stage of the NBA Finals.
You read that right: The Washington Post, which supposedly serves a city that has a basketball team that has been eliminated from the playoffs two years in a row by the basketball team from Cleveland, today published an article extolling the basketball team from Cleveland.
I have often defended Washington's reputation as a sports town from those who would malign it by pointing out the fanatical devotion of Redskins fans, by citing the big crowds the Nationals drew before Stan Kasten implemented his "Operation: Suck Mightily" long-term plan, and especially by showing the many examples of the happy, fervent affection we feel for the Wizards. But the Post isn't doing D.C.'s reputation any favors by publishing this trash. What are we going to see next? "Theocracy, Je T'Aime" by Moqtada al-Sadr?
In proper blog style, I am going to quote especially red-meaty chunks of Chaon's article and then deride them mercilessly. Please also note that Chaon's latest book has a sales rank of 209,753 on Amazon.
I come into my younger son's room, where he is supposed to be studying for a test, and find him looking at Cavs center Zydrunas Ilgauskas's MySpace page instead. "Did you know," Paul says, "that Zydrunas has Michael Jordan in his top friends?"
Somehow this does not surprise me. After all, Salieri always welcomes a new project in breaking down young egos and sowing doubt and perversity. That he's using the Internet to extend his reach, like some common pedophile, is just more cause for concern.
Laugh if you like, but I'd venture that my quality of life here in Cleveland is much better than yours.
I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of the Cuyahoga River catching on fire. Could you repeat that one? Thanks.
If you're from Cleveland, you always have the vague sense that all the other cities are laughing at you.
If you only have a vague sense that we're all laughing at you, you're not paying enough attention.
Faced with national and international scorn, Clevelanders frequently harbor deep-seated fantasies of acclaim and honor. We can be unreasonably thrilled by even the vaguest contact with celebrity. (A teensy portion of "Spider-Man 3" filmed on downtown streets! Actress Julia Louis-Dreyfus spotted at a Cavs game!)
When I told my son Paul that I was writing an essay for The Washington Post, he narrowed his eyes. "Make sure you write in there somewhere that the Wizards suck," he said, vengefully.
Big Dan Chaon, putting his thoughts in his son's mouth. (Is that legal?) Let me just make one thing clear: This year, the Cavs beat the Wizards only because Gil and Tough Juice were injured. What do you think would have happened if a healthy Wizards team had faced the Cavs sans LeBron and Ilgauskas? Sweep, and Gil would have spend the last half of the fourth game breakdancing at center court and trying to steal G-Wiz's trampoline. So don't get a swelled head, "Dan Chaon's son."
"I'll tell you something," my friend Peggy says. "I don't think it's possible for Cleveland to win anything. Ever."
This is the only genuinely perceptive statement in the whole article.
Down the block from me, a church advertises its sermon: "How We Play the Game Really Does Matter!" And maybe that will be true. But then I see my son and his friends, avidly reading stats and comparing notes on players, all of them wearing that T-shirt with the Cav's Psalm-like motto: "Rise Up!" All of them waiting ardently, eagerly -- as if their hearts can never be broken.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Spurs in four. Everybody better go to church.
In case Cleveland fans get bored at halftime tonight, I recommend they watch this to buck up their spirits:
--posted by intern Rex Immensae Majestatis Chapman
You all know Ronnie Mervis!! He is tha KING OF BLING and one of DCs famous "diamond brothers". He runs the business and hangs with cashed up local rollers like CLinton Portis while his brother Zed watches over the African mines and raises prize winning German Shepherds! Zed hopes to join Ronnie in the US once US Customs and United Nations soon lifts its sanctions on him that were imposed for a misunderstanding involving a 1998 cargo of 'West Indian Gherkin' that 'escaped' off the coast of Trinidad!
Our hearts and prayers r with Davrin but we know if anyone can help us it is Ronnie Mervis!!
Agent STeinz is very kind to us today but we always say we r nothing if not for him!!! Steinz can do it all!! He is Bo Jackson of online sports media!! ANd the Len Sakata of cable TV!!! This year he provided more meats than Rod Strickland wedding registry!!
We have special Directors Cut of Jaarkos Big Day Out aka "INTO THE GLOAMING 2"
We take Bog TV, add some music and a naked picture of Steve Guttenberg and is suddenly 10 minutes long!!!
Viewer Note: Late in movie you see a white piece of paper that is hard to read. It is in fact a real card with the following words printed on it:
"You are being issued a warning that the comments, gestures, and/or behaviors that you have directed at players, coaches, game officials and/or other spectators constitute excessive verbal abuse and are in violation of the NBA Fan Code of Conduct. This is the first and only warning that you will receive. If, after receiving this warning, you verbally abuse any player, coach, game official or spectator, you will be immediately ejected from the arena without refund."
This card was in tru fact given to wizznutzz Honorary Intern Unsilent Majority by NBA referee Steve Javie for screaming "MILK DUD!" insults at Eric SNow during Game 3.
Unsilent Majority is now "INTERN FOR LIFE".
There are only 2 ways to be intern for life: One is to get code of conduct warning from NBA referees.
The other is to get pregnant with Kwame Browns baby so we can form "Knights of The Temple": wizznutzz secret army in Temple Hills Circuit CIty who sworn to protect manchilds sacred bloodline.
We gave Unsilent keys to the Mothering Hut to use for the summer. We were going to sublet it to this artist (Warning: extremely unsafe for work unless u work as a moile)
but UM u deserve it all!!
SO ENJOY JAARKOS BIG DAY OUT!!! Please Nobody tell Jaarko that we lost Game 3! Also dont tell hoim we lost game 4 and dont tell him about Borat stealing his japes!!!! Jaarko has been drinkling fermented urine when borat was not even born. If u been in the Mothering Hut then you know it is true!!!
ONE Riming "HOTTA" and "GUGLIOTTA" is Serious Business skillz. I mean what else can u rime with GUGLIOTTA?
"Draft Fodda"? "Hotel Butta"?
If you got one 4 us, drop it like its hot in the comments box!
TWO Sister Christian rapping in a dark mustard turtleneck! MY OTHER TURTLENECK IS A FORESKIN!
I loved how in early 90s french mustard was such a popular color with playas and hustlers. Gs always seemed to be wearing pleated french mustard silk suits. Rod Strickland did. But thats just so when he guzzled half smokes he didnt have to worry about the mustard stainz!
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
MOTHERING HUT FASHIONS MAKE IT TO PRIME TIME!!!!
Its not as exciting as when cast of Dallas Reunion show all wore Pervis Ellison jerseys (We LUV u in retired mesh Char Tilt!!!) but still big news!!!
If you have been living under under a rock, then you have definitely seen "BLOG SHOW", starring Jamie Mottram of 'Cold Pizza' and Dan Steinberg of 'Hot Pocket'!!!
Its is part of Comcasts Washington Posts LIve brought to u by the Professionals Professional, Russ Thaler ladies and gentleman, who boasts 3 certifcates of completion from The Chad Bixby School of Cable Broadcastng!!!!!
AT first I thought it was a weird IDea:
like Charlie Mingus famously said,
"hosting a TV show about blogging is like LM(F)AO about Architecture"!!!!!
But "Blog TV" is more infectious than the SARS Express!!!! WE love the bell! "Everytime a Bell rings a blogger gets undressed in the dark!"
BUT EVEN THIS FINE NEWZ CAN NOT LIFT THE MOODS OF WIZZNUTZZ INTERN AUGUST STRINDBERG (1849 - 1912)!!!!
Straight Outta Norra Begravningsplatsen!!!
My overcoat cannot contain soilage of this volume; the sludge of disappointment, regret, and my own man-waste bubbles upwards, frothing about my upturned collar. The shrieks of the succubus...--ah, why even continue?
I should have known. No juice is tuffer than the fresh-squeezed brine of inevitable defeat. And that is the brine in which we shall pickle for the next six months, until fruitless hope worms up its bare Ruffinian head once again next October. ...But until then we have two more weeks of futile spasming, like a still-beating heart torn from a disbelieving man-breast.
Brothers Ike, Duck, and Pervis, soon I shall rejoin ye in Hades.
Tuff Juice breaks hand, breaks hearts! Tha MOD SQUAD hasnt been threatened like this since EPisode 86:
"Suffering from amnesia after getting mugged, Linc wanders the city, unsure as to whether or not he is the escaped mental patient he reads about in a newspaper." SOunds like Wes Unselds recruiting 1998 recruiting strategy!
WIZ R IN BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINATOWN They will have to rely now on Agent Zeros streaky combat and COach Jordans "Keys To SUccess" which he unfortunately keeps in something equally streaky: a Peter Ramos replica Brief Safe!
Is it fate? Is a Curse? Michael Ray Richardson blames that crafty jew Ruben Patterson:
Butler broke his hand while attempting to block a dunk by Ruben Patterson. It was the second time this season that a Wizard was injured when coming in close proximity with Patterson. Arenas injured his right shoulder in a collision with Patterson on Dec. 30. "He's just a rock down there," Arenas said. "He didn't even hit nobody and he broke somebody's hand." .
Who can replace Tuff Juice? ??????
When it comes to replacing Caron Butler, Darius SOngalia is like Nicole Kidmans forehead: lacking color and rebound!
Maybe BDong can summon the racist pride of his homeland, as seen in this plastic theatre of cruelty:
and his Marijampole COat of Arms
Hi atop his white steed, spearing the dreaded BLACK HUSSAR who symbolizez the hard-working vibrant Somali immigrant interfering with Lithuanias slow determined slide into bleak obsolesence!!
Or IS THE SAVIOR CALVIN BOOTH aka "THA UNDERTAKA"???
Lets hope no. COach Jordan said of Caron:
"You know, you walk down a dark alley, you've got a tough guy with you, you feel tough, too."
Well walking down an alley with Calvin Booth is like walking down the alley with drunk lottery winner Jack Whittaker !!
SPeaking of CALVIN BOOTH, WIzznutzz have unearthed a monumental piece of Cal Booth cinema verite!!!!
Here is story. The man of this website went to College at Penn State and every morning in his dorm bathroom would unfold a drama of naked ambitions and naked roommates, a bald african, a fat guy on a toilet, much angry grooming and an "alarmingly-skinny 6'11" center from the basketball team. (He) Was pigeon-toed and always wore a facial expression suggesting that he was in physical pain. Carried an over-the-shoulder bag that looked like it would pull him to the ground at any moment."
That alarmingly-skinny annd pained center? You guess it!
A sad day for DC as G Mikes steps down after 9 decades of sports hi-liting that has seen more giant fake prop computers than a Space 1999 Convention!
G Mikes was orange when Tony Korn was still in diapers! He was the first to champion unwatchable nascar clips! He popularized the Sonny Corleone Sports Analist 3-Piece suit back when the Playmaker was wearing Malaysian Adidas Shelltops! His video grafix and dentures were years ahead of their time! He was first to use Botox, thougn it wasnt called Botox yet, it was just week-old blue cheese dressing! He turned my brother to a sordid life of rodeo clowning!
1984 WRC Local "SPORTS FINAL"
THE VERY ANCHORMAN WRC LINEUP of Ryan, Vance, Harrison, Thompson, Michael and Technology Report with Manute Bol!
1984 SPORTS MACHINE Still better opening graphics than last seasons MNF !
1. Used to be, DC traded away Mad Skillz for 3 Billz. But not no more, E Grunz is trading yesterdays fruit for fresh bacon and now other teams fans are finding out that Cold Mountain and The Manchild are not the potential sensuals they were advertised to be!!
2. Keeping Sending in those INTERN video applications!!:
4. LEGZZ! BOOBZ! Former Bullet and current TNT ANALIST is part of a new "Bomb Squad" theez days! We love T Legzz, aka The Original Orange Roundie! I wonder if Tim will insist the wedding video be shot with his personal filter ??
Jeff I understand Stripes are slimming, but if thats true, why dont you have a striped hood over your head?!!! Im just playing J-Rule! You look very dashing.... for a burst sausage casing!!!! Hahha no we just kid because we love and because you have a giant bulbous head!!!
News reports say Ms Ham's "HAndyman" Peter "Party" John Ramos first admitted to the arson saying he was smoking in the backseat of her car with a tub of lawn tool gasoline but authorities quickly doubted his story when PJ Ramos couldnt explain two things:
1. Why he had a queen of hearts card in his breast pocket 2. Why a former army General from North Korean gave Ramos' name to customs officials when he was stopped last week at Logan airport with a suitcase of 15 dead wallabies
In the video Wilmer supporters call for "MILLION HAM MARCH" while a white woman calls black people "fishy"!!!
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Sure MLK had a dream...
but did that dream have ...
a pre-orange Tim Legler and Jim Mcilvaine rapping? Calbert Cheaney beatboxing? The Spectacular Swags of C Webb AND Sheed AND Ben Wallace? Robert Pack? BOTH Prices? Juwan Howard break dancing? Ghitza poplocking? Riddick Bowe? Abe Pollin and Ahmad Rashaad and OMalley from the Alley throwing down?
Well my dream does!!!!!!!!
and Wizznutzz superfan J Denbo just emailed us to say...
someone has filmed it!!!(although our dream usually features an erotic steve blake/moomintroll dream sequence)
When you have small, stoney hands it's hard to do anything on your own, which is why Brenda Haywood always takes a friend into the bathroom with her. The mangina isn't an easy place to reach.
But it was especially scary when Brenda had to make her first appearance in an Easterns Motors ad. She was terrified of doing it alone, like when Brenda has to go in the paint, one on one, against a musty, mossy Shaq, or when she has to single-handedly block a driving Eddie Griffin but he's got his penis out and he's jacking it while offering to buy everyone in the front row a used Honda S65 ("But not the S90, greedy bitches").
But luckily Brenda only had to make a brief appearance in the Eastern Motors ad, and she was supported and surrounded by superstars like Laver Anus Coles (that's how it's pronounced in Madden 2004!!!!), LaVar Arrington, Clinton Portis, Carmello "Snitches End Up in Ditches" Anthony and Detroit Lions RB Kevin Jones, who incidentally was the Mel Farr Rookie of the Year in 2004. And as everybody in Motown knows, fuck an Easterns Motors and call "Mel Farr Superstar for a Far Better Deal!!!"
Check Brenda's Cameo (word up):
Brenda's getting ready for her contract year, so she spent this summer stretching her hands on the rack and moistening them several times a day with God's lubricant. Also, in order to strengthen her paws she's been doing ballet and giving free massages to anybody who asks. ("It worked for Jahidi," Brenda said with an uncomfortable laugh between drags on a Kool.)
Brenda also worked on her confidence this summer by taking an improv class at Montgomery College Community College: "This is Agent Brenda Scarn, FBI! You're dead!!!! POW POW POW!!!"
And she joined Donell Taylor and Constable Hayes in a series of 3-on-1 games versus this tiny manchild in order to build up their collective self-esteem.
All that erotic stretching and play-acting is now paying off because Brenda is starring in HER VERY OWN COMMERCIAL for Easterns Motors, complete with DJ Tittsworth's Baltimore club mix of the company's bangin' theme song!!!!!
And Brenda, never mind what Jared said to you: That improv class totally paid off. Like, in the ad, when you stood up out of that tiny car and said, "You have anything more my size?" we were like "OH NO HE DIDN'T!!!!" And you did!!! Confidence is so beautiful. It'll be so great to see you use your acting skills this season the first time an exasperated Coach Eddie takes you out of a game early!!!!!!
>>>Ivan the Terrible tha Carter reports that Dsong is gonna play center sometimes this season? He's 6 Feet 8 Inches!!! Dsong is a solid shooter, but if we wanted yet another short stocky center-forward who can't compete against Shaq, why not just sign Hidi? He'd come cheaper & he gets great deals on cigarettes.
>>>Meanwhile, the Moonies have dropped this bomb: The Wizards this season will introduce an alternate road uniform, according to team sources. The new uniform, it is believed, will be gold and black. ... Gold & black? Yes!!! It sounds like the same outfit that Awvee wears when he goes out with Agent Zero. The black & gold gameworns won't show enough moisture for our tastes, but uninteionally going after the Pittsburgh market -- a mere 4.5 hours away from Verizon Center -- is brilliant move by Abe & Susan!!!! Sometimes thhat Dynamic Dup have great marketing ideas; sometimes, not so great.
>>>Tom KNott was also at yesterday's press conference -- see Etan, Knotz gets out of the beanbag & stretches his cholesterol clogged legs once in & a while. The Knotty One is our favorite writer and our biggest influence. He can turn a phrase and then turn it again and then onece again and then once more so that the rotisserie chicken ends up more like wild boar.