GOd Shammgods Mixtape is about to... REWRITE THE HISTORY OF HIP HOP!!!!
Last Season JE Skeets broke the story about how former Wizard and Wizznutzz hero Tyrone Nesby had moved to Lithuania to play ball and blew up as a local rap star, and then Wizznutzz delivered some stunning details bout how 'T-NEZ' had blown up bigger than Jievaras, the God of Grains , like some kinda a Baltic Montell Jordan:
Now if you check from T-Nez's website, you see him relaxing in the Dnepr-Bug drainage basin aka Darius Songalia Memorial BLVD like he owns the damn place! and thats cuz he just about does because since T-Nez has backing of powerful Lithuanian Mafia Seimos Lygino Asilas aka The Family of The Iron DOnkey and he is now like Vilinius' Most Notorious, and he rolls through town with 24" spinners on his Yugo, kicks it in his delux 300 sqft, 7 bedroom loft with its vaulted 6' ceilings and tru cement floors, hes wearing top luxury goat skin trenchcoats with London Fog labels sewn inside, and he wont think not 2 seconds about dropping 4, even 5 euros, on VIP tab for fermented milk bottle service.
Like all those Jazz musicians back in tha day who moveD to europe to find respect and find their groove , T-Nez took his enormously ginger JAZZ HANDSoverseas and found a place where he could finally be comfortable in his own skin, a place where "Tnez could just be Tnez", whether he was just freestylin for his boys at a saturday bloc party or headlinin in front of thousands of screaming fans at the Skamba Skamba Kankliai Folk Festival,.
Sure at first the reaction was a bit aggressive and they were suspicious of this stranger and ugly racism reared its head when the countrys Minister for Radios labelled his music "Jungle Polka" . But TNez is nothing if not a fighter, and he showed the tenacity that once got him elected as a 3rd Team ALternate to the 2001 Vegas Summerball all-star game . He did not fit in he knew that but saw a special opporunity in being a fish out of water. So He became a cultural hip-hop missionary, like a Johnny Applebeats, roaming the fields and rebar skyways and soon Lithuanian locals came to embrace TNes and found the truth that they needed him as much as he needed them, it was like the PERFECT STRANGERS story but without having those unwanted images of COusin Larry having sex on the couch , just suddenly popping into your brain. up and down! up and down! like an anxious jackhammer. Next thing u know, Tnez has endorsement deals with 'ROKASWear' and '40/40 Pork Water' AND is charity spokesman for The Black River Spastic Society!!!!!
So we where very excited when our copy of SERIOUS BUSINESS arrived in the post last week!!!
The site we ordered it off of was all in Lithuanian so we didnt know what we were clicking mostly and so we were extra happy to get our CD and also a hot-headed new bride for Jaarko!!! She thinks Jaarko is very handsome! She also thinks Jaarko is mayor of a shiny AMerican town called 'Circuit City' so dont say anything until we have sold the dowry on eBay!! WE HAVE LISTENED TO TNES SERIOUS BUSINESS and have first ever U.S. REVIEW!!!!
SERIOUS BUSINESS T-NES Prior Records : 2005 BUY IT!
The record has lots of good songs and is about lots of big themes, themes like overcomin haters, finding a place in the world, staying strong, jewels, women, loyalty, respect, fate, GATs. Not GAT the gun, GAT the firm salty rabbits-milk yogurt thats popular in the Lith housing commissions.
On "SB" TNez sharez the mic with lots of other emigre idols:
like tradin 8s with round the way girl Erica Jennings , the Irish hottie whos rippin up tha local charts with the Lith pop jugganaut SKAMP
and also with TANOKA BEARD, the Captain Kurtz of foreign balling. The '93 Boise State grad has been playing Overseas for almost 15 years!!!! Hes also got his own record. Listen on his website! Hes got that veteran sound, like an Expat Big Daddy Kane!!
'MY LIFE' is TNez's SIgnature TUNE.
WE BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU:
The beginning of the song is soooooo cool. Its not even rapping or the music yet, its just TNes voice, and hes talking to himself, almost in a whisper, and hes all real serious, walkin through fire, contemplating some heavy thoughts:
" Ugh, the things we go through... Life... Just Life... Im always wondering... how my life's gonna be.... You wanna hear about it? CMon..."
and then... BOOM!!!
All of a sudden hes rapping! just like that! we rollin! I think Tnez maybe even invented this technique.!!! I ask u name one other rapper who starts songs all one-on-one personal like this???? OK so maybe you answer me "ALL RAPPERS IN HISTORY" but then I ask you right back:
What heavy thingz Justin Timberlake gotta think about???
"I wonder if I can get direct deposit on my Mouseketeers pension?" "WHich hat will I wear today?" "Who will wipe up the cold fried chicken skins that Britney left on my leather settee?""
SAULETEKIS VALLEY OF THE JEEP BEATS
The next thing you notice on this song are the beats and you notice that are SLAMMIN.
SOunds just like some Neptunes shits but Neptunes managers said Neptumes too busy "Not Ruining Their Careers" so TNEz gave back and went local, and held open auditions for the area "LITTERS" - (thats what they call the scrappy white lithuanian timbaland wannabees over there). There were many good candidates including a guy with a double PHD in CuBase and DRainage from the Vilnius Pedagogical Institute, but TNes gave the job to Stanislavas Stavickis (aka STANO aka S-DUBS) and Martynas Puchovicius (aka Mr P) because he was so entertained by their interview:
T-NES "So why should I hire you dudes to make my album?"
MR P. "My man TNez, we are black like you my man, we hard my man, harder than the Moor Candyman"
T-NES "What about you kid?"
STANO "U dont even know me!" "Im a customer, Im housin, How you like me now?!" "Like Tyson Im Frozen." "I drink the gin of Jews!" "Calvin Klein is not my friend, I dont have name for my rectum!" "I like to juggle sometimes it make me wonder why I keep from going under!" U want see my UTFO membership card? No I'm real, is here, I have laminated.
Tnes' faith paid off. He discovered the second coming of PM DAWN!!!!
GREATEST CHORUS EVER
When I heard the chorus for the first time i was floating outside my Toughskins(tm) jumpsuit in a state of outofbody bliss not even a lifetime in the mothering hut could bring, that is how powerful and breathtakingly exquisite is the sounds of this ambrosious rapture.!!!!!
Yet as otherworldy as it was, there was something familiar about it .... and then I got it "SO THATS what happened to the SOlomon island Pygmies after Deep Forest broke up!!!
But then i listened closer and knew that it must be a kids choir. Everyone loves kinds choirs! Kids choirs are the songs of angels! Their voices are so innocent and hopeful and alive that you get that feeling, you know what feeling when you are around children where you want to hold the innocence just to yourself forever and ever so much that you just want to smother the sound out of their little bodies??? U know what I mean. And so does TNes. TNes loves kids choirs. When they got into the studio he was like:
"I want the Harlem Boys CHoir! Puffy had the Harlem Boys Choir. Kanye had the Harlem Boys Choir. Jay Z had the Harlem Boys choir."
Unfortunately for TNes he didnt get the Harlem Boys Choir. Wanna know why? Well "Serious Business" was bankrolled by an aid loan from the International Monetary Fund and the loan rules say that none of the money can go to fund a project that displaces indigenous artists. CHeck the tarriff stamp!
SO when they explained that to TNes hes like
"Shit son, then get me the Lithuanian Boys Choir!"
Unfortunately for TNes he didnt get the Lithuanian Boys Choir neither. Wanna know why? Cause there aint none. Not anymore at least. There used to be, but after a landfill of defective Lance Armstorng plastic "LIVE STRANG" braceletsleaked into the waterways it 'strang'eled millions of migrating birds and it also got into the drinking situation and by 2002 boys were reaching puberty and "living strang" in Lithuania at age 6 and the angels started sounding like niteclub bouncers and since Lithuania outlawed castration in 2001, they had to make the LBC out of grown, shaved, men and changed the voices in post-production and that was going good until the government discovered that local Lith. chains of Outback Steakhouse were acting like underground railroads to help members of the LBC defect to tha west, and this was just 2 much drama in the LBC, so in 2k3 they outlawed all men singing in groups of 3 or more. Ever curious what happened to Bel Biv Devoe after that european tour ? Check effin Alytus Prison!
SO finally TNes says
"get me your biggest pop star! Gimme your biggest local diva! Gimme the Lithuanian Beyonce!"
And TNes got the Lithuanian Beyonce.
Her name is TELE BIM BAM, and she was the national finalist for the 2005 Lithuanian Eurovision SOngwriting COntest!!!
Thats here you hear singing on "My Life"
And HERE is her singing her smash hit
PUPA PUPA ('POOPA POOPA')
ANd TELE BIM BAM definitely has an inner Beyonce, (even though she has an outer 250 pound hausfrau singing Wiggles songs with an ABBA cover band.)
AWESOME ELECTRO SAX SOLO!!!!
Ever notice how many cool white saxaphone players there were in the 80s?? They were hard to recognize sometime cause they had disguises, and wore sunglasses. Sometimes they dressed like spies.
But when they stepped out of the fuscia shadows to blow their solo there was no mistaking what they really where: soulful electric mozarts!!!!!
Now do you Ever wonder what the eff happened to all these eccentric masters when the 80s finished????
They just all disappeared! What? There was major colony collapse, but no No bodies! What, You think they just retired? You think they just got regular jobs??? you know thats not true even as you tell it to yourself. WHite sax soloists cant hold down a 9 to 5. they dont wear socks for one thing. but a regular job well thats like being an animal in a cage for them. They might as well be dead if they cant rear back, in silhouette against a cardboard neon skyline, and express their passion in brassy, narrow-tied busrts.
No they didnt just go away. All the 80s sax stars went to Lithuania where they are prized like kings!!! After the 80s, it was like the scramble for nuclear scientists after the fall of Berlin!!! San Diego, Wildwood NJ, and the Bel Azur beach resort in Lebanon, all came after them, offering riches and papers and hair care products that are banned in the west and flattery and wives. Lithuania offered all that and more. But thats not what sealed the deal.
The Sax Men needed just one taste of the long, deep Lithuanian summer twilight to know they had come home. That magically smooth ultramarine dusk; that quivering cerulean gateway between day and dark, between protocol and poetry, when the night creatures first stir.
Cuz Session saxes dont live under flags, by maps or borders... They live like wolves in the warm nuance of twilight.
(Plus it didnt hurt that Lithuania was the birthplace of the original Saxaphone, aka the AEROPHONE:
WHich makes it extra sweet that TNez hooked up the sax in 'My Life', since Lithuania also birthplace of Rap music, which TNez recognizes when he gives props in the liner notes to "My Renaissance Niggaz" Jacobus Gallus and Krystof Harant
No labor no profit I read that in a book.....
I was blessed with this bread For all the shit I took
TNez is packing on more layers than the Caron Butler Coat Drive with this litlle lyrcial myrical!!!!
Check the double meaningz:
at first looks this song is all about what all rap is about: "I Gotta Get Mine" Like those Applebee's Objectivists Salieri and Queen James say, a Mans soul = a shoebox under the bunk that you spend yo life fillin with money. SHOES = CASH!!!
But then TNez goes and flips tha scipt:
No labor no profit I read that in a book.....
And at first u thinking: "Sweet Tnez giving shout out to his former teammate LARON PROFT"
But on closer look, TNez is also giving props to KARL MARX, aka the Linda Lavin of Communism aka THA PLAYAS COACH, and his "LABOR THEORY OF VALUE"!!!!
TNez has been following the teachings of the Lithuanian Socialist Party ever since he read RObert Owens bestselling motivational book: "Together We Move Our Cheese"!!
PUNKS JUMP UP GT BEAT DOWN!
Shit done changed, I 'aint broke no mo' This is for the ones who thought I'd never go forward
Y'all used to smile in my face, but smile behind my back bro Knew y'all wouldn't riff(?) on my down, fallen prey
Shit I've got it made For all y'all that didn't believe it, That I was gonna fail when I was ballin' over seas That's the last time yall put odds against me Now y'all sit and watch while I'm hot bustin' threes
Y'all remember And you motherfuckers know who you are Who said T-Nes would never be a star
With these words T-Nes addresses all the haters, saying "Respek Tha ARkitekt!!" He dont mention names, but you dont need Calbert Cheaney smarts to figure out that TNes is turnin up the heat on the growing East Bloc - West Bloc rap rivalry that started when NBA rapper Tony Parker called TNez a "Gros connasse" backstage at the European MTV awards. TP better squash that!!! Dont he know he cant never win? Only way you can stop TNes is to POP TNez but u kill TNez and TNez is reborn larger in death than in life, like Tupac, u gun him down, 5 years from know even bell hooks be wearing the tshirt!!!!!
But also TNes be speaking to all y'alls that doubted , TNes saying "yo it says Payback on front of the Maybach" even though it really say "Looza" on front of his "Meduza" but its all good.
Cuz not only did TNes make it overseas, he owns the damn joint.
They worship him so bad they built a statue!! Not some lumpy little thing like that statue Micahel Jordan got in chicago, but a monstrous wonder that practically straddles estaern europe like goddam Collusus of Rhodes . TNEs's statues so big, its bigger than those giant Buddah statues in Afganistan that the Taliban blew up just before hollywood could fire up Blue Thunder to fly them to the safe acres of Roy Scheiders estate in East Hampton. But dont EVEN think the Taliban gonna be blowing up the TNez statue!!! Cause the TNes statue is seriously defended. For one it is guarded by the Aukstaitijan Shepherd Boys, who are trained in lethal arts of traditonal folk combat, and who have a fanatical devotion to TNez ever since he stood up for them during the terrible 2003 drought when he said on live TV "Valdas Adamkus doesnt care about Shepherds!!" and personally organized massive airlift of half-smokes in operation "Taste the Freedom!".And Even if the Taliban got past the shepherd guard, that statue is weaponized to the grillz, its like some f**kin Optimus Prime shits!!! Beneath the statues giant bronze DO-RAG is a sophisticaed COMSAT satellite targeting system that will send out lasers of death if it so much as sniffs a bearded arab in an old blue toyota pickup!!!! And dont say its "profiling" its just hard facts we face in these hard times. The world is "Serious Business" now, after 9/11 freedom aint no John COugar Melloncamp song or some trained eagle flying to home plate - freedom is hard facts, like fact that Taliban stands for things that have no place in freedom and HIPHOP:
-Disrespecting women -Dealing drugs -Driving around in trucks with weapons
In the '98 Playoffs the Glove was notorious for his trash talking but in recent interview Bennett Salvatore revealed that in Game 5 Payton's running stream on outrageous zingers was in fact a word-4-word, real-time ripoff of Don Rickles' routine from his legendary '68 engagement at The Sahara!
Friday, October 20, 2006
SOmehting smells at Basketball Jones and its smells like Pultitzer!
BBJ tracked down former DC baller Tryone Nesby aka T-Nes or as they call him in eastern europe T-Ne. So Wizznutzz roused intern Strindberg from his fetid bench at Radmansgatan subway station and dispatched him for follow up scoops. This is what we found out:
2 years ago Lithuania traded 300 metric tons of milled grain to US Government in exchange for Tyrone Nesby. The US burned the grain so it wont affect farm subsidies but Lithuania didnt burn TNe, instead he became cultural ambassador aka he blew up so big, hes now Lithuianian Puff Daddy!!! Hes also Lithuanian MLK and Lithuanian Wesley Snipes and Lithuanian you name any black man because T-Ne has somewthing all those young white lithuanian hip-hop wannabes, (they callz em "Litters") dont got - hes got melanin and hes got Michael Jordan's bootprints still on his back!!!!
Now if you check from T-Ne's website, you see him relaxing in the Dnepr-Bug drainage basin aka Darius Songalia Memorial BLVD like he owns the damn place! and thats cuz he just about does because since T-Ne has backing of powerful Lithuanian Mafia Seimos Lygino Asilasaka The Family of The Iron DOnkey and he is now like Vilinius' Most Notorious, and he rolls through town with 24" spinners on his Yugo, kicks it in his delux 300 sqft, 7 bedroom loft with its vaulted 6' ceilings and tru cement floors, hes wearing top luxury goat skin trenchcoats with London Fog labels sewn inside, and he wont think not 2 seconds about dropping 4, even 5 euros, on VIP tab for fermented milk bottle service. ANd of course T-Ne always has the finest, flyest, Lithuanian Cheerleadres on his arm.
And btw Lithuanian cheerleaders R way more than just a pretty edutainer. U think you can just give any girl a pair of reebok pumps, some hair removal aid, and an ankle-length rally cape and she becomes a Lithuanian Cheerlerader?? Hell in a hoop no! Cuz in Lithuania, cheerleaders are like Geishas, and it is their art to pleasure a man and they are trained by tradition on farms and slected for their prized milking skillz.