Wednesday, October 29, 2008
WE R BACK FOR A NEW SEASON 2009 aka "So few incites, so much time!"
We had an awesome summer staying at DICK MOTTA'S Bed and Breakfast The Bluebird Inn!! We stayed in the "Unseld Suite" whioch is like the other suites except warm tears instead of choclolates on the pillows!!! Dick was a great host. He cooked a mean breakfast and told us great stories about the championship bullets days!! Coach says he misses those days but not so much since he took on Greg Ballard as a caretaker for the inn. Greg has minor housekeeping duties and terrifying, bloody preminitions about madness and murder in the Blue Bird hallways. So we were late getting back to Circuit City and then found the mothering hut closed because of an employyee suicide, but thats all been cleaned up now. Plus we had some homework over the summer to finish, like write a report on Gheorghe's new book (we listened to Sean Penn read tha audiobook version!) and beta-testing the new Steve Buckhantz website and cashing our Jeopardy! royalty check and playing "chest" and "analizing" life with our boy Demarr Johnson aka $young slim$ and testifying at the DeBarge trial and breaking down the Wiz playbook for ESPN. It was One crazy summer!
But it was even crazier for the Wiz players! Many of them sent home XRays from camp!!
We are still catching up on all the news, but one thing we can tell u about was.....
the WIZARDS AWESOME PRESEASON TRIP TO EUROPE!!!!!
Thats because wizznutzz Eurpean intern AUgust Strindberg joined the team for the trip! August sent in am awesome report about the trip:
No matter where you go, there you are, in a filthy Belgian youth hostel, your bog catchers at your ankles, awash in a corporeal stink of the bloody flux -Sent from my iPhone
We didnt learn much from this message but August was happier after he took the ferry to Calais and loaded up his rental with dutyfree smokes and then met up with IVAN CARTER, and the lads grabbed a couple Eurail passes for a 10 day european bromance neither man will ever forget! Bicycles, baguettes, baked beans and SkyTV! seeing the sites! It was just like the movie Before SUnrise but with even more regret, pasty selfabsorbtion and wretchedly overrought dialogue!!
Their first stop was the country called "FRANCE" - France!!! its the home of the Pom Noissette!!!!!!!!
The Wizards had an off day in France and explored the culture:
CARON BUTLER had heard about all the great wines of france and so Tuff Juice was very excited to get a personal tour of one of worlds most famous wineries : CHATEAU DIANA, maker of "Chateau Diana WHite ZInfandel Wine Product" - the best selling urban wine according to the Association of North American Delis Owners, and a gold medalist in the 2007 "extreme-value" division and recipient of 92 points by famous wine critic D'Sean Little of Wine Bomb magazine!!! Then, on a tip from his old pal Kwame Brown, Caron headed to a real French Dressing tasting in Burgundy!!!! He even got to crush the mayo fruits wth his bare feet like they did in traditional times!!!!
Meantime DEE BROWN enjoyed his time doing regular touristy stuff like climbing the "Eiffel Tower" and eating cheese pancakes and drinking Xpressos and force feeding geese and getting high at Phil Cheniers grave at Pere Lachaise Cemetry. But it was rookie JaVale McGee aka THE VALE OF CASHMERE who had the ultimate "local" experience: he got raped by Gerard Depardieu!!!!!!
AFter France the team headed over for some fun in the sun in "ITALY"!!!!! Home of pizzas and almond formica bedroom sets and "the italian siesta"!!
Club rat ANDRAY BLATCHE just loved it - he was out at all the top clubs, partying with leggy strangers, rolling VIP at MC Miker's "CLub Vacanza!", throwing back Campari and Herpes. And When AB finally dragged himself out of bed he hit the shops: Valentino, Armani, Papa Johns... and he picked up some dynamite souvenirs: sweet velvet portraits of "the Italian Abe Lincoln" for his crib he got at the San Lorenzo Market in Florence!!!
Meantime NICK YOUNG clowned around on a lemon Vespa, and took time out to visit the Best Buy in Villiers-le -Bel on Tuesday, when the European DVD releases com out! Hollywood left with an armful of movies, including the remake of Herzog's Aguirre, der Zorn Gotte, season 5 of Allo Allo, the Nacho Arenas dub of Beauty Shop and the hi-larious Jerry Lewis Nazi death camp farce: The Day the Clown Cried!!!!
Not all the players took in the culture tho. OLEKSIY PECHEROV stayed in his hotel the whole time. "I never leave hotel. I don't trust the local men of Europe one piece. I see the movie Talented Mr. Ripken. Have you seen this? If I leave hotel I talk to man who is charming, knows all his words, reads the menus nice, is brown and wonderful and next I know I am dead at bottom of sea and Mister Ripken is in my hotel wearing my own bathrobe pretending he is me calling Mr Czaban at late hours for talking love"
The team never went to AMSTERDAM - they were 2 afraid DerMarr Johnson would defect - but AUgust Strindberg sez they arent missing anything and that the whores these days are "greviously educated and clean"
Speaking of whores, they did swing by "LONDON" where The Sun reported Coach Jordan "tipped generously" on the Jack The Ripper Tour (he went 3 times iun a row and thinks he is close to solving one of the crimes!) and Coach was also spied scooping up discounted "Jane Goody, Shh...." perfume for the wife at Heafrow Aireport Duty Free
AFter London the Team took a bus to GERMANY. First they went by The Berlin Wall. Which was a little disappointing but Etan Thomas got to address the crowd during a Jesus Jones Unity COncert. Turns out they have Jesus Jones Unity COncerts three times every day but it was still an honor. After he spoke a young German looked up at Etan and said "Du bist gross!" ("You are big!") and everyone laughed. Then the young man looked up at Oleksiy Pecherov and asked: "Haben Sie Haar auf Ihren Schenkeln, milch mann?" and everyone laughed, except for Big Oily who did not laugh and only said quietly to himself "I should never have leave Hotel"
Etan later confronted some performing mimes at the train station and told them: "my brothers your faces may look white but you wear the grease paint that oils the machine of your post-colonial inferiority complex which is real glass box you find yourself stuck in" then he tossed copies of Franz Fanon's "Back Skin, WHite Masks" and Martin Lawrence's "Black Knight" into their tip hat
Then there was a two hour layover in a SPAIN train station where a few friendly locals organized an unsanctioned "running of the bulls" for the players, and then the boyz said goodbye to Antonio Daniels who had paid $4000 to an Aborigine called 'Amadeus' who he met in a bar who promised to give him an "authentic Walkabout tour" of Austria, and then the team all flew off to final stop of the trip, LITHUANIA!!!!!
Last we heard about Lithuania was when we reported on former Wiz baller Tyrone 'TNEZ' Nesby who moved to Lithuania and dropped the IMF financed euro-hit "My Life" and blew up as a rap megastar and spokesman for 40/40 Pork Water(tm). Well when he heard his boyz were coming to town Vilinius' Most Notorious left the studio and rolled down Darius Songalia Memorial BLVD to pick them up personally. As he drove them around he got waived through checkpoints and told them how he's bigger than ever since he brokered a truce between Lithaunian Gangs and the powerful mafia family Seimos Lygino Asilas aka The Family of The Iron DOnkey. He showed them a brand new, up all night Lithuania, where anything is possible, thanks to all the Lacto-dollars that flooded into the coutry thanks to EU farm subsidies. There so much money in Lithuania nowdays that rich young turks finding crazy ways to spend it, like converting YUGO PHANTOMS to biodiesel (hey T Boone, half smokes burn clean: good for environm,ent and checkbook!) and one mayor who paid 2 million dollars to fly in Reggie Theus to captain his celebrity ballers league team. Turns out like Jerry Lewis is to france, Reggie Theus is to Lithuania!! Hang-Time, putting it on the line!!!!
But when the fun was over the boys came back America and to Washington and to "Haterville USA" !!!!
LOts of people nervous with Gils injuries and new contract , and they think Abe Pollin just gave 200 hundred dollars to a guy in parking lot for a big brown cardboard box that says "Expensive Brand Hi-Fi Video Camera Inside" written on the side in magic marker. I understand you are worried but this is Gilbert Arenas so you understand even if that cardboard box is empty, you can have some hella fun with an empty cardboard box!!!! Like you can make it to a fort, or draw racecar controls on it, or hide from your wife in it. A cardboard box is as fun as your imagination makes it and isnt it better Abe throws his legacy at fun instead of angry mvps and health plans for the line cooks at velocity Grill? What velocity grill been closed for years? Exactly right!
Welcome to the new season! Hop on the comments and tell us a fun thing we can do with this cardboard box!
And all our loyal readers, please enjoy:
SPECIAL START OF SEASON SALE AT THE MOTHERING HUT!!! We worked Mike Westbrook xtra hard all summer and loaded up some serious sweet new fashionzzz..
August Strindberg grinning with pure joy as he poses with Agent Zero at a shoe signing in Malaysia
Wizznutzz and Gilbert 4EVER!!! like Peaches and Herb say, "me minus you is a lonely ride!!!!" We r Like Heckle and Jeckle, like Phil and Steve, like Muskrat Jonas and Muskrat Jarvis!!!!!
We been quiet here for a while cuz when Gil holds out we hold out, and damned straight u know If Gil had walked we had walked. What u think wizznutzz would stay if they let Agent Zero go? That we would be jilted at the altar like olde Miss Havsih-Slam, spiralling into a madness of WHERESTHECAKE and animated 9/11 patriotic bacon gifs ???? Hell no boy, if Gil had gone, we would have packed and rolled: grabbed the Finnish boy, the poet, the naked Maury Chaykin pix the naked Ken Beatrice and the key to the Circuit City mens room and hopped on the first SARS Xpress outta town cuz where gil goes we go like hungry Ramora on an anacostia snakehead!!!!!
But we knew all along he would come back to dime at five. It was classical Gilbert. Like Chris Webber say: "2 Much Drama"!!!!! Gil and Ernie and Twan did their little dance: Gil said Ernie, "I wanna be a Wizard, but Not without my daughter!!!!" And then Antawn Jamison told Ernie "I wanna grow old with you!!" and then Ernie told Gil: "Heres 126 Million dollar check from Abe Pollin made out to Juwan Howard. I can get you one just like it" and then Gilbert thought to himself "If there's a speed of sound and a speed of light is there a speed of smell?" and then he thought to himself "What can i do for my family with $127 million that I can't do with $111 million??" And then he did the math. No, not the math that says that the 16 million xtra dollars invested today would be worth another whole $127 million when his son turns 40, but the math of getting a quote from the firm of Oscar and Lucinda Architects for the all-glass basketball museum of his dreams and he found that for only $111 million he could he get the glass museum built AND fill it with rare Randell jackson Bnei Hasharon Israeli Premier League jerseys AND install a gorgeous custom Jeff Koons chrome balloon sculpture of Calbert Cheaney AND even have money left over to install the actual Calbert Cheaney!!!
Gil thought to himself, "I can have my glass museum and add help the team add a key piece to help us win a championship". Hey it doesnt matter that the "key piece" might turn out to be "AwveeStorey". Its the thought that counts!! Did Rod STrickland take less money so the team could wrap up Tyrone Nesby long-term??? HELL NO! and now TNez is Vilinius' Most Notorious, blowing up big on the International scene while Rod got no rings and lost it all in the great subprime halfsmoke bubble of '02!!
16 Mil is still good money to leave on the table. And its money on the table for 6 years, which means maybe the team could use some of it to finally put head atheltic trainer Eric Waters through college!!!!
It didnt hurt that owner Abe Pollin personally called up Gil and said
"You're my boy Gilbert. You remind me of a young Wes Unsled. You see there are two kind of people in my life these days Gilbert. Those who remind me of a young Wes Unseld, and those who remind me of a certain old jew-hating President. I'm going to make you a rich man Gilbert and all you have to do is win us a goddarned championship. Dammit I may be old but I'm a stubborn sonovabich and I'm a goddamned fighter and I'm going to outlive that goddmaned hillbilly Jimmy Carter and win us a c**ting championship if its the last f**kdamned thing I do."
Gil and Twan werent the only big stories in the offseason.
Fan favorite Roger Mason cashed out and was hired as the new editor at Deadspin!!!!
Mase is very excited about the opportunity!!!
"We are very excited about this opportunity. Like many young boys, we always dreamed about being an editor for Deadspin. We never thought this day would come true. We are humbled and ready to step in and contribute right away"
While we r so sad to be losing Mase, we are at least happy that he has found a good new home at Deadspin, Gawker's crown jewel... the salty-plump, turgid Big Bite amid the mottled, snapless specimens that turn on the oily rollers of Nick Denton's oily empire of wordy bitchmeats.... We love Nick Denton!!! Hes the Gay Tom Knott!!!!
And there was also the NBA Draft! Everybody has napoleonic incites about the draft. Its easy to be John Junior Mockdraft and say "u gotta take this guy John Nash!!!!" but things dont always go that way. Like just ask Juan Carlos Navarro!!. And Like in '06 when everyone was high on Quincy Douby and he turned out to be a Seth Rogen/Jack Klugman movie that is still stuck in pre-production!
We would just be happy to draft a starter for once. SOmeone who quite pans out. We had had our hopes set on Nathan Jawai, the first Aboriginie ever in the NBA!!!! We never even saw him play, but after seeing the DeShawn Stevenson japes on primetime TV last season, we just wanted to hear Hubie Brown explaining the "Point The Bone" gesture to the espn audience!!!
And we had hopes of getting Kevin Love, son of former Bullet Stan Love!!!
Kevin inherited his dads hoops skillzz! Better even, he inherited his dads huge stash of homegrown crying weed!! But most of all we had our hopes on drafting the cheeky little imp Petteri Koponen!!!!
aka "KID NOKIA" aka "THE FINNISH RIFLE!!!!!" No Sleep Til Helsinki!!!!
Out beloved intern Jaarko is from Finland! And he has had quite a summer since Petteri got drafted. Jaarko has been all over TVs in Finland on the talking shows as an expert of Basketball. The whole country in Finaland has been following Kid Nokia. He is most loved athelete since national hero Sulo Bärlund embarrassed Hitler by taking silver in the shot put at the Berlin Olympics in 1936!!!
Kid Nokia played great in the Vegas Summer league, which they called in Finland MOOMINSUMMER MADNESS. Kid Nokia's first summerleague game had a TV rating in Finland of 98.7!!!!!! Thats almost the whole country watching including TVs in prisons and madhouses! Jaarko has been so busy doing the talk circuit - hes been on all the biggest shows, like "Cold Mämmi" and "Aito Sports w/ Topi Köstas" which caused a big stir on the internet when Jaarko was ambushed by Grööp Gropinggar, the bestselling author of "Tuesdays with Magnus"!!!! Grööp erupted and lost his mind!!!
He yelled at Jaarko: "Jaarko you seem like a bright guy but quite frankly I think you are full of paska!!!! I have some of your incites here in my hand from your blög "wizznutzz.com" and they are most outrageous and full of impolite spellings. Maybe you say blögs are wonderful for us but I say they are hevonpaska!!!!"
It was very awkward!!!! I could tell Jaarko was nervous because he was doing that little thing with his hands that he always does when he's nervous - masturbating.
And then Ernie unveiled his most ambitious project yet, a spruce goose of a kid goes by the name JaVale McGee.
But we call him
THE VALE OF CASHMERE
The skinny on the skinny:
7 foot tall. Armspan = 2 fathoms. 2 Team All-WAC. 1st Team MAD magazine Writer's Group.
First thing we thought when we saw JaVale McGee play was.... "Tracy Morgan has AIDs?!???"
The second thing we thought was "Wow this kid is RAW!!!!"
I mean we know Ernie likes em raw. Ernie aint building a bench, Ernies building a Sushi bar. But the Vale? The Kids raw!!!! How raw?? The Vale so raw he only picked up a basketball for first time 2 years ago when he was 5 foot 4 and the University of Nevada told he they didnt have a Quidditch program!!! Hes more rookie raw than Gilbert's Mons Pubis!!! He's so raw he got 'Goodnight Moon' tattooed on his back!!! Hes so raw he sings when he laces up his sneaks:
Make a teepee. Come inside. Pull down tight so we can hide. Around the mountain... here we go!? Here's my arrow. Here's my bow.
WE watched the VALE play in the moist and jumpy paradise that is summerleague!
We learned that the Vale may either be the second coming of Kwame Brown, or - fingers crossed! - the first coming of Kwame Brown!!!
What else did we learn from Summerleague games???
We learned that Dee Brown raps and that he barrels into the lane with the panicked violence of a wild pig startled from the bush.
We learned that Vladimir Veremeenko is slighter, prettier, than we expected. We learned that he has bangs that are blond, expensive, and hands that are soft, expensive.
We learned of a kid named ELGAR, who has a 19th century hypnotist's name and an elegiac game.
We learned that Nick Young gets altitude sickness from his learning curve.
We learned that THE TASER is set to stun! And that he's having a baby! And that ANdray "ENDLESS SUMMER" Blatche is interviewing nannies!
But the Wiz arent the only ones working hard this summer!!! We came by the MoHut and found Ken Beatrice had gone Rumplestiltskin and....
Deeee-lux quality!!! On heavyweight name brand shirts!!! using the supple blood of Michael Westbrook!
(There are a couple exceptions: for now our custom shirt line, and the popular BLING ZER0 and BULLETS FEVER shirts are still made using the hi-quality printing of our old spreadshirt sweatshop!! This means right now you can still buy these shirts, but you just combine the shipping with the rest of the swag from our store...)
What does silk screening mean??? It means we will be able to bust out fancier designs and use more colors in our shirts fro n ow on!!!!
What's cooking on Agent Zero's fire bowl? Chicken? Shrimp? Black Mamba? It's all good. Only one thing matters: when Gilbert Arenas lights it up, you better step back or you're gonna' get burned! "HIBACHI!" Savor the snack-downs in our declious Hibachi tshirt!
Who is the man Who is an 18-time all-star? YAZ! Right on... Who is the man That leads the Red Sox in career RBIs, runs, hits, singles, doubles, total bases, games played, and who last won baseball's triple crown? YAZ! You're damn right! He's one bad son of a Skonieczny! For 23 years he was the heart and soul of the Boston Red Sox. Carl Yastrzemski, the man they call 'Yaz'.
My parents fled to the suburbs and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!!! White Flyte: The Pride of Suburbia! The White Flyte have been tearing up well-funded exurban rec. leagues for over two decades: from Atlanta, to DC, to Philly, to Cleveland. Don't be ashamed of your Beltway Outsider status! Diversity = Death! Your parents knew that years ago when they piled the young family into the station wagon and headed into the wild mild, out past the Dockers outlet store, like modern day pioneers. White Flyte basketball is uptempo basketball - it's all about running! Take your skills, and head to the hills, in one of our signature, authentic, fashionably honest White Flyte throwback tees!