Other times people stop us in the street and they ask us:
"WIzznutzz, I have heard you talking about people called 'MACHOSENSUALS' before.
What is a Machosensual??"
or they ask
"I have this feeling sometimes and think It might mean I am a Machosensual. How do I know???"
Well if that feeling you have feels like the spruce, brawny feeling of showering lumberjacks, then YES, you are a machosensual!!
Still confused?? Dont worry, most machosensuals are!!
That is because the heart of a Machosensual beats for two.
Two energies that is, opposite energies that r happening at the very same time in one vainglorious space of wild finery!!!!!
At the same time there is the MASCULINITY of man in his native, naked, virile beauty and also the FEMININITY of desiring to celebrate and attend to that beauty. A beard is macho, but a trimmed, recently shampooed beard is machosensual!
Machosensuality IS Rugged Tidiness! Machosensuality IS Pressed Masculinity! Machosensuality IS NOT cargo shorts and fistfulls of cold sliders! Machosensuality is soft YET turgid. Moist AND meaty!!
It is the thrilling duality of feeling big manly hands at your throat, and noticing how smoothly conditioned they are with the faint scent of oatmeal and, maybe lavendar?, as they crush your f**king windpipe!! !!!
Q: Am I Normal?
A: Yes! Machosensuality is the most normal thing in the world!!!
Grooming is a natural part of nature. All animals take time to consider their appearance. Animals are the cleanest animals in the world, and rarely walk around with out-of-fashion Caesar haircuts. Wallabys even have a pouch that carries around a nutrient rich, sanitizing lotion that dermatologists would kill for!!! One dermatologist actually DID kill for it, his name is Dr Z and he almost lost his license!!! Before you judge him though ask yourself the question: have you ever seen a wallaby with dandruff???
Q: Does being machosensual mean i like men??
A: Yes, but it means you only like one man in whole world and that man is you! Admire him! but admire him fast cuz hes about to kick your ass!
Well sometimes its best to identify if u r a machosensual by seeing if you have some of the classic traits of one.
You may be a MachoSensual if you:
-Own a replica bomber jacket -Kept the certificate of authenticity for your replica bomber jacket -Like waxing your car -Like waxing your thighs -Tuck in your flannel shirt -TiVO razor commercials -Posed for your high school yearbook photo leaning against a porsche -Posed for your high school yearbook photo leaning against a porsche and it wasn't really your porsche but but u went to a porsche dealership to take the picture
If you don't have any of these classic symptoms, there are some more modern MS behaviours seen in sports fans that you might see for yourself:
Machosensuals have been around for ever, since caveman first cracked open the aloe leaf.
The Roman Empire was the great Machosensual Empire.
Especially in the movie Spartacus.
If you took the leather medicine ball that Kirk DOuglass and Woody Strode tossed each other between takes and you were able to extract the sweaty man oils from it you would have 100% pure essence of machosensual.
It would be so potent that with only one drop you could get Bea Arthur pregnant!!!!
It would be so powerful you could make a cologne for jesus out of it.
Q: Jesus Wears Cologne??
A: Have you been to a Tunisian disco lately???
If you have then you would have noticed one thing right away. well first u would have noticed the relentless acid trance and the strict "No Sandals" policy, even tho they let Jesus wear sandals. Jesus can wear anything he wants in niteclubs, industry code, but JC doesnt want to showboat, he saves his miracles for dancefloor cuz only policy JC follows is "No Ego" policy, so JC usually shows up in his Bally Nasters. But the MAIN thing you would notice inside is the choking stink of counterfeit cologne. Theres enough "Tonny" Hilfiger cologne in a Tunisian disco to sterilize a schoolbus!!!!
Q: "Woody Strode" is an awesome name for a machosensul right?
Q: Is Machosensualism a Science or a Religion???
A: It is BOTH!!!
Maybe you have seen one of these fliers on your windshield???
Its for the Divine Church of Machosensual Science and it was founded by Christian Laettner in 2001 with the mission to spread Christian's faith and promote the self-improvement triad:
"Cleanse the Soul. Cleanse the Body. Cleanse the Mind. Rinse. Repeat." (TM)
As missionaries of The Divine Church of Machosensual Science like to say:
"May we look in your bathroom?"
but they also like to say:
"God created man in his divine image, and He said unto man, 'Mantain thy holy image against the earthly sins of wear through daily applications of balm and fragrance. Seek thee regularly the manpamperers, for blessed are the manpamperers, and for Vainglory is thy name!'"
Of course, Sister Christian wasnt the first Machosensusal NBA player, in fact did you know one of the great Machosensualists of all time played right here in DC???
Just look at this amazing portrait that JE SKEETS sent over!!!!
Look at those eyes!!! the deep, penetrating stare of youthful, erotic self-purpose.... Look at those lips!!! with their supple violence...
All that crazed vulnerability, Wes looks like a young STUDIO 54 BUSBOY who dreams of his big break and just answered an ad in Backstage Magazine for an "independent film" photocall:
"Independent Film project seeks young, male actor for lead supporting role. Must possess an ambitious, scowling beauty. Must be husky, well built, vigorous, and perfect. Must be comfortable with nudity. No previous experience required. No cops."