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Wednesday, February 11, 2009
 
Salieri

Today we introduce a brand new feature:

"WIZZNUTZZ CLASSIC" !!!!

Think of it like ESPN Classic , or as they call it on ESPN Deportes "Basquetbol de los Pantalones Cortos" !!!!!

We have been around along long time, When we started players could still smoke on the court during timeouts! And we have collected so many many incites on our Colecovision hard drive.

So for our new readers we thought from time to time we will share again some of our favorite incites we did from the past in case you did not see them the first time around. If you did see them the first time around and hated them then you will feel trapped in a bad dream you cant wake up from. Welcome to our world!!!

First up is a "classic" incite about the sacred cash cow Michael Jordan who, came out of retirement and forced himself upon the Washington Wizards franchise in a desperate quest to secure an unusual career double-double: points scored and bible commandments broken!

People always ask us: "guys u love the DC ballers so much, is there a player u love most" and our answer is no there isnt one we love most (pssst: Tyrone Nesby!) , but there is one we love the least and he is the only dc baller we ever hated and boy do we hate him good!!! And his name is Michael Jeffrey Jordan but we call him "SALIERI" after the Amadeus dude because he was a washed up and bitter player who got consumed with envy for the young manchild genius kwame brown and set about to poison and methodically ruin him.

Ahh it feels great to hate again. Thanks Salieri!!!!!

So here is our "classic" post that catches up with MJ in retirement, living out the last years of his sponsorships as corporate hollowman. We explain why MJ introduces himself as "Leroy" to potential mistresses, what it takes to become MJs friend, and secret details of his divorce stellement!!!


READ IT HERE!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Also: Salieri was kind of in the news again this week because his sister Deloris says their dad James Jordan raped her for five years when she was a child but you wouldnt find it on any of the big sites or TV because they buried the story like a cheeseboot.

Now this kind of story is serious business and breaks our hearts and we understand privacy and have of course no jokes to make, or sides to take, and dont think this is even the business of the media or our website but the fact that the mainstream news stayed away is a little odd to me. Maybe they said "well she says her dad raped her but she has a book to sell" yes true but it isnt a Sudoku book its a book about how her dad raped her, or they say "well its a family matter" yes tru but u know what else is a family matter: incest. Or more likely it was because they were too busy writing stories about Mike Phelps hitting the pipe, or about "The Mannish Inquisition" aka Peter Gammons exclusive interview with Alex Rodriguez's fantastically moist lips! Talk about performance enhancing substances, someone should test ARod for STrawberry Lip gloss! It's got Americas scorekeepers in a moral frenzy. The self-appointed stain resistant sports police r getting their gem mint panties all in a knot again about the integrity of portly men running around bases with giant webbed ball catching baskets on their hands. Enough already! Dear baseball players, if you wear a belt, and your name is not bruce lee, then you r not an athlete. Hey u know what else ARod cheated at? Marriage! Like MJ did and like 25% of men do but i guess that institution isnt so sacred in this country.

Update:
Deloris Jordans book "In My Familys Shadow" was actually published in 2001 and is very very out of print and hard to find. All the reports this week about the allegations come on hip-hop forums and small-time entertainment sites and blogs and they all source this website, a site you are not going to confuse with BBC news anytime soon, which recently posted excerpts it claims are from the book. However, the book jacket, pictured here, does reference sexual abuse at the hands of her father. But how could we have missed this in '01, the very year Michael Jordan returned to the court in DC??? Are we crazy? Anyone remember hearing about this? If you know something, go on the comments and make like JayZ and Blow tha WHistle

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Saturday, February 09, 2008
 
WIZZZnUTZZ EXCUSIVE!!!
SAlieri Donkyshroom Dance!!!


In this exclusive home video leaked to Wiznutzz intern Ken Beatrice during a clandestine Furry convention in a Pittsburgh suburb, his Barreness, mICHAEL Salieri Jordan, is shown on a bachelor's weekend in Nippon-koku, cooking wild mushrooms while donning masks made of donkey heads and the skin of a Japanese salaryman !!!!

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Saturday, September 29, 2007
 
WIZZNUTZZ SUMMER FILM SPECTAULAR!!!


Our summer vacation is coming to a close. We have been on a long hianus but we are riding americas great bus system to come home to you!!!!


It has been a quiet offseason for the WIzards. Even for Agent Zero oh except for building ONE MILLION HOMES!!!!!!


But the new season is gonna be hot , hot like "Staff Party Hot" at Royal Bengal Restaurant, hot for us and hot for Agent Zero.


He showed us his TAKEOVER 08 "TO DO LIST" and i can tell u now its got some whoppers!!!
We cant spoil the planz yet, but heres a sample:

Gil unveils plan to stop Global Warming!!!!
Our tip: if you got stock in Airship International, double down cuz someones gotta build those ONE MILLION BLIMPS!!!!

When we move back into our offices at the Wheaton Plaza Circuit City we expect all the big TVs to have the damn football on them.
We hate football these days especially in Washington football .

We have a coach who don't care about harvesting nuts because he's waiting for the rapture when all the white man from Houston and suburban VA will all fly up to heavan to be with Jesus and David Duchovnys naked ass , while we all suffer down on earth stuck in an eternal drive-time slot with Doc Walker.


And why is everyone so high on Jason Campbell already??? Why r u so blind so loyal?? Did Dan Snyder lure Leni Reifenstahl out of retirement??
People all say how much poise he has for "standing up in the pocket" .. Its like Chris Rock says : " You SUPPOSED to stand up in the pocket you low expectation-having motherfucker! !!!!

One thing we are very happy thouigh, is when Redskins signed SUFJAN STEVENS as their kicker. We love his poignantly observant play, and we love the Sadcore open mic nite he hosts Tuesday nights at Greveys. Last week I wept on my poppers when Shar Pourdanesh uttered the lines "I died a miniature death" .. SharPo was showing some serious ASSonance!!!!!

I also am so tired from all the Football Analists and Incite-men on the pregame shows. I have never seen so much ill-fitting Van Heusen since John Feinstein's Bah Mitzvah!!!!!

Jaws is just yapping and yapping away and no one has heart to stop him or tell him that he the place he bought his his glasses at - Anne Klein , that thats a store for women!

JAWS:
"Yes well Tony, every team has divisions in the the lockerroom but ultimately whether that team wins or loses depends on how they are able to put those differences in perspective on Sunday morning and win some football games. I'll tell you a story, when I was a rookie in 1977 and Carl Hairston had this thing where he would walk around the lockerroom naked after a game, eating biscuits. And he would get biscuit crumbs all over the shower floor and make a real mess and a lot of guys weren't happy about it but they weren't about to say anything to big Carl."

TONY:
"HA! Carl Hairston eating biscuits? Well at least it wasn't JERRY Hairston eating biscuits!!! Right Jaws???"

JAWS:
Right Tony! So I'm looking at Carl and I'm thinking, wow I haven't seen a naked black man eat in the shower since I was a kid growing up in Lackawanna and my family took in a guy who worked at the lumber mill with my dad and who had hit a tough streak. Next thing I'm thinking to myself: "You know, I think I'd like to take off my clothes an eat biscuits too" but I was a rookie and you know, the thing about naked rookies is, some guys are just going to take that the wrong way,that's just the way it is. So when it came down to it in the end, I had to make the call that so many young men have to make in a pro football lockerroom : "Am I gonna be a gay biscuit eater or am I just gonna' be a naked guy eating biscuits?"

And if i want to watch football games I want to watch football, not RACIST ROUNDTABLE, like when on MNF the guys are broken up about Andy Reids sons Britt and Garrett being in trouble with the law and saying their hearts go out to Andy and its every parents nightmare and "There but for the grace of god go we".....

Are we talking about the Same Britt and Garrett who ON THE VERY SAME DAY in different places on the earth where people were minding thier own business and living their lives and rushing to the post office with innocent joy to get the package of duty free whitefish that their finnish friend had mailed them in individual Media Mail pouches covered in salty stamps that featured the great "CIVIL RIGHTS LEADERS OF FINLAND" and then in one car comes Britt, high on blow and aiming a loaded gun at people while gentle Garrett spends the morning shooting smack into his fat neck, oh you know smack, its that drug the Taliban makes!!! so he can get the courage up to run a red light and smash into someone and then back to Brett who gets anxious waiting for trial starring at the peeling Fatheads on the wall in his dads mansion so he gets loaded and does some more blow and gets back into his car for a another round??!!!!!

You mean THAT Brett and Garrett????? Thats not Andy Reids worst nightmare, thats everyone else worst nightmare right. Hey we all miss our fraternitys, all that sunburn and nerfball in the halls and unreported date rapes guys, but really now!!! Lock em up Rusty!!!

Then not 5 days later I hear the guys on Fox NFL postgame telling Donny McNabb , who by the way gets called "N***er" by his own fans - that he should "SHut up and play" and not bring up "race" . Tru fact.

ENUFF OF THIS CHINO POWER PROPOGANDA!!!!!

As For Our SUmmer, Here is What our Interns Have been Upto:

DANA:
Was last seen cashing a huge check from Travis Henry, slapping down a $1000 bill at Apollo Liquor store for 2 Bottles of Cristal and a tube of Blistex.

AUGUST STRINDBERG:
August texted us 2 weeks ago very excited because he was in Stockholm for the film festival doing nonstop pressers for the new HIP HOP FILM BASED ON HIS LIFE!!!!!

He didnt have time to talk much but he emailed us this photo of him enjoying himself at Gotland Spa, geeting all galenskap with local rap stars like Looptroop, Snoopy and MC Tim

august strindberg

KEN:
Ken has been spending the summer at Luray Caverns. He wasnt part of any tour or anything, he just wandered and found a dark hole and climbed in. He missed the mothering hut!!! When i saw him a couple days ago the duct tape that we had tied around his head to protect his ears, like they do to rugby players , it was almost all gone!!!

DARVIN:

Darvin is a proud new SON!!!!!!!!

Thats right This spring while awaiting trial for fraud and disrespecting a luxury automobile, Darvin's Moms, former Saginaw Mayor Wilmer Jones-Ham married CURTIS McZEE!!!!! No, not Curtis McZee the popular Scottish music video director, but Curtis McZee the Deacon at the Hams chruch!!!
A Deacon yes, AND ALSO A BAILBONDSMAN!!!!

Miss WIlmer Jones-Ham-McTorchy-McZee is very ambitious politiically, she is like Lady McZee MacBeth , and Darvin is worried that she is up to something like that time she used playing cards to hypnotise Michael Adams for 7 years!!!!


JAARKO:
Our intern Jaarko spent his summer doing his usual job as Herring boy at Borga Segelsallskap Yacht Club and called me to tell me he was flying home to "Dull" Virginia and to pick him up, and I said "you mean 'Dulles' Virginia?" and he said "That is right 'Dull" Virginia, haha!!!" its on old joke he plays that never gets old! But then I hear this meesage on my phone yesterday:

"My friends I will be late coming to America, for the problems I have at airport. When I am in transit lounge I am eating my pickled fish see and reading in magazine of how Kiefer Sutherland is making his muscles so big while I am waiting when the lady tells me to eat my fish somewhere else please, so I go into airport toilet and close door to enjoy my snak and then man next to me, he is also in toilet, he taps his feet next to me and wave his hand under the wall that is between us and he coughs and I think I know what he means, for he wants me to share my snack with him!!!! And so I put a big cold smelt in his hand and say "a big treat for a big man!" Then when they call for my plane I am going to check in and I am pulled aside and a man in a uniform put his wand under my robes. This slows me down and I'm not even to security yet!!!! Finally I am here at security now and they are now asking me questions about forms I give them. Maybe you know what is problem? They ask me about any "genocide" and I tell them I have medicine from National health for it! And they ask me about what I doing in Finland and now I am showing them!!! Wait and now some more men are coming to me now, they have moustache like me but also angry face I dont understand what is happening...... hullo men!.... wait no do not doin that to me men.... no please, no, DON'T TASE ME VELI!!!!!!!"

that was end of message!!


ANYway, we spent our summer Watching All The Big Summer BLOCKBUSTER MOVIES!!!!

We saw Marvin Brando's new movie "CAPS FOR SALE 2: PEDDLER DEADLY" . David Foster Wallace was great as the voice of the Monkey. I didnt know monkeys could play tennis!!!

Then we saw the Tyler Perry movie: "BLACK STEREOTYPES SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS LORD!" Also it was awesome!

And we saw the directors cut of Ken Burn's: "FRANKFURTERS!" !!!!!

And our favorite of all was the #1 big budget summer comedy with Robin Williams and Eddie Murphy called "BIG RED FONT!"
It is outrageous! but not as outrageous as how that genius Tom Shaydac can turn $200 million dollars into an air conditioned afternoon of laughs!!!


HERE ARE SOME MORE SUMMER MOVIES WE HAVE BEEN ENJOYING!!!!


CAPTAIN KANGAROO'S BIG SECRET

If you ever wonder why our intern Jaarko can afford so all those courtside seats and top shelf Cloudberry liquer is because he earns royalties from his Uncle Espoo Ruutu who was a "friend" in hit Finnsih feltcore band "Fredi and Friends"
Jaarko has lots of movies of his uncle because he is so proud.

Our favorite one is Fredi and Friends performing "PUMP PUMP" at the 1976 Eurovision finals. Thats Espoo on the keyboard!!





Espoo also got monies for writing the song "Sata Salaama" aka "Eye of the Reindeer" in 1987!!!






MANUTE LIVE!


We first discovered Kenn Kweder's amazing BALLAD OF MANUTE BOL last year when we put it on GOD SHAMMGODS MIXTAPE

Its the greatest pub song ever made. It was briefly the national Anthem of Ireland!! and Radar magazine said it is on Joseph Fiennes celebrity iTunes playlist!!!!

Manute and Steve Guttenbergs new movie isnt out ill next summer but meantime we discovered Kenn Kweder performing The Ballad of Manute Bol LIVE!!!!!






SWEET MY GIANT B-REEL!!!






YOU KILLED AGENT ARENAS!!!

Wizznutzz have exclusive footage of Gilbert Arenas (screen name "Agent ARenas") playing Halo with his Final Boss teammates!!!
I havnt seen an owner taking on his own team like this since ABe Pollin beat Kevin Porter and Ricky SObers at the annual Cap Center "Pollock 4 Poorfolk" imitation crab eating contest!!!

You can hear Agent ARenas groaning alot, thats cause hes getting whipped, and hes getting whipped because he spends the whole game in a corner challenging Avery Johnson to a one-handed grenade throwing contest!!!!






WELL HUNG AND SNOW WHITE TAN


Exclusive footage of Darius SOngalia and the whole Lithuanian mens basketball team getting happy, getting naked!!!
The team gets paid so little from the Lithuanian government since they spent all 2007 fiscal budget financing Tyrone Nesbys rap career that they had to make ends meet by performing in a mobile all-male review. Who wants to change a tire!!!

I havnt seen so many happy naked men since I caught my dad backstage at Tap Dogs!






ANDRAY THE PLIANT

After Andray Blatche got caught trying to put the BJ back in Benjamins he promised he would swear off Hos once and for all!!!



So we caught up with 'Dray this summer laying low, staying away from ladies of the night.

FIRST WE CAUGHT UP WITH HIM STAYING AWAY FROM LADIES AT "FLIRT" NITECLUB ON K STREET!!!

DeShawn, Gilbert , Caron and Rog Mason came along!!!




Is that Stephen A Smith at the 2:08 mark???

THEN WE CAUGHT UP WITH ANDRAY AVOIDING THE NASTY AT 2AM AT SPANK NITECLUB!!!!



DOnell and DeShawn and Twan and Carlos Rogers were all there! SO was Andrays sex rehab sponsor FRED SMOOT!!!





IS ANTAWN IS THE FASHION FORWARD SMALL FORWARD or what!!!!



We will forgive the Yankees Hat 'Twan, because we know u just wore it to match your navy tanktop!!!! Check out that thick piping!!! Hey who invited King Louis XIV's poolboy????!!!!!




O-TOWN IN SNO-TOWN!

Hot new rap video from an underground ALASKAN Hip Hop group called, really,:

"THE CHARLES OAKLEY PROJECT"







THE ORIGINAL JORDAN MULES

Speaking of O-Town, we enjoyed watching him eat cheetos and slapping around the David Beckham of Finland: Scottie Pippin, in an the awesome new documentary "THE SEED OF SALIERI" that charts the roots of Michael Jordans narcissism and bitter jealousy.

We r introduced to the original Jordan Mules, whom MJ calls "My Pigeons".

We r introduced to Michaels gambling, his greed, his bullying.

But the star of the movie is a young Doug Collins.
He reveals for the first time his homoerotic intentions for young Salieri. In a series of candid, confused, darkly cliche monologues we see the young sycophant, the wily, hungry, fawning swain with the crooked smile. There is much forshadowing of the relationship to come, you can see coach Collins realises how special this moment is, to meet another younger, more gifted, more admired, more self absorbed man, and fall in ugly love for him, and have a once in a lifetime opportunity to feed off of his glory like a filthy lake-bed snake.

Psychanalists say that the desire to live vicariously through the anchievement of others is a common symptom of fullblown narcissim. One psychoanalist called "Dr Sam" wrote a book about Collins and MJ and he called in "THE MALIGNANT HEART"

"Narcissism" is the substitution of a False Self for the True Self. This, arguably, is the predominant feature of narcissism: the True Self is repressed, relegated to irrelevance and obscurity, left to degenerate and decay.

Horrified by the absence of a clearly bounded, cohesive, coherent, reliable, and self-regulating self – the mentally abnormal person resorts to one of the following solutions, all of which involve reliance upon fake or invented personality constructs:

The Appropriation Solution – This is the appropriation, or the confiscation of someone else's self in order to fill the vacuum left by the absence of a functioning Ego.


Another thing that is causing some serious foreshadowing is Dougs perm!!

With that hair and that grafic print argyle Doug looks like a keyboard player with tha CHuck Mangionie band!!!

PART 1





PART 2

PART 3

PART 4:


Featuring the unforgettable line:


"Michael will you come here a second so we can kiss on TV"!!!







FORMER BULLET GREG BALLARD IS RUNNING FOR MAYOR!!

Time for a cool change! Screw Bart Peterson!







RONELL AND DONELL!






THE BARD RHYMER!!!

Wizznutzz readers know we have been championing the hard rimez of Etan Thomas for a long time.
Even intern AUgust Strinberg admits etan has flow!

We published an exlusive never before seen poem

Now we have awesome HOT HOT video of one of Etans live poetry performances!!!!

You can watch different parts

HERE
HERE
HERE
HERE


But our Favorite slam is "TOYS 'R" US KIDS"






Man check out all "mmm-mm-mmm-uh-huh-yes" COUGARS in that crowd!
Poor 'Tan!! Cougars with degrees in AFrican American studies are the scariest cougars of all!!! Cuz they are PROUD COUGARS! These aint no Sisters of The Yam son and when they get u home they gonna want to see what your oral skilzz are REALLY about, u know what im sayin!!!! theyll invite u back to their place at the Private Estates at Musty Downs and work u hard. U be coming up for air, the P Cougz be like "Did you hear me tell you you could stop?? Get back down there Levert, what do you think you doing, bobbin for apples???!!"


INTO THE MILD aka
THE MIKE RUFFIN BIOBLITZ!!


I know when you hear "Bioblitz" u r like us and think of Juan Dixon's new line of anitseptic deoderants but this is much bigger, much better than that!!!

Our FAVORITE summer movie by far is this documentary about Micahel Ruffin leading an ill-fated expedition of inner city children throuigh the wilds of rock creek park!!!

Ruffin set aside his crippling fear of squirrels to enter the muggy thicket like an urban crocodile hunter, wrestling isopods, rescuing fawns, fondling snake, calming a disoriented Calbert Cheany who stumbled from the undergroth complaing of "bad berries"

My favorite part is when the lady says:

"(Mike Ruffins) children are the next generation of stewards of the National Park Service"!!!!

Take that ice caps!!! Ranger Ruffins are on the case!!!

So very very very very very much more on this movie later in the season!!!








PPPS:


Congratualtions to Jamie Mottram who got an awesome new job at YooHoo!!

Jamie said they only had one question at the job interview:
"SO it's true youre REALLY not a virgin!!?"

Good luck Jamie!!!!
We LOVE YOOHOO!!!!
The original "Chocolate Rain"!!!!!!


PPPS:

Last 48 hours to get your $5 Off at MOTHERING HUT!!!!

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Tuesday, May 22, 2007
 
RONNIE MERVIS, The King Of Bling, the man who really feeds Latrell SPreewells family, the man who took Gherorghe Muresan's childhood coal collection and turned it into the 4 carat cufflinx Big George wore to the My Gaint premiere, has taken xtra precious time away from being the Diamond Dawg of the District to counsel Darvin ham in his time of need!!!!

RMerv even lavishes our V-I3 grade comment board!
Ronnie is a true king, his grace is flawless, he has big heart and is a good sport and is celebrity intern-for-life of wizznutzz. We hope this is beginning of special relationship of friends and maybe one day bizness partners??!!! You think we trust Pink Topaz 'Silence Equals Bacon" shirts to Donyell Marshalls chinatown jeweller???

So it is a shame that our next offseason profile focuses on a pretender to the throne, a bad sport and sworn enemy of the wizznutzz:

OFFSEASON PROFILE #2
MICHAEL 'SALIERI' JORDAN


aka

Learning to hate again

aka

'Te somnia nostra reducunt'

Salieri Michael Jordan

Longtime wizznutzz readers know our feelings about Salieri.

Let me make a summary for u if u dont:

Michael Jordan is a WHORE.
He is a bitter, adultering narcisitist, who awoke one day to find he had been eclipsed by his own shoes and to find his legend lay crumbled around his swollen feet in an Ozymandian rubble, and decided in moment of desperate grandiosity to ride into Washington DC on a tired mule, molest the small-handed genius and prized manchild KAWME BROWN with the bad touches of vile jealousy, climb into a burlap sack with a possum called "Legacy", emerge black-eyed and pink-slipped in defeat, flee town with a mob on his heel, leaving behind his icepacks and reputation and a city crushed by the heel of his ego and by humiliation and by a massive oversupply of uncooked concession meats.

Here is Premier Magazine's list of top 7 all-time most blatant celebrity VANITY PROJECTS:

7. Madonna's EVITA (1996)
6. Mariah Carey's Glitter (2001)
5. Melanie Griffith's Milk Money (1994)
4. Robert Duvall's Assassination Tango (2002)
3. Kim Yong Il's
Pulgasari (1985)
2. Michael Jordan's Washington Wizards (2001-3)
1. Minnie Driver's The Governess (1998)


(This list shouldnt be confused with Vanity Fair's list "Biggest Heads In Hollywood" which is a list of actual celebrity head weights. Its confusing because of word "Vanity" and also because Minnie Driver was #1 on that list too. Her head was so big they had to measure it using water displacement equipment Graydon Carter borrowed from his private equine vet.)

SO WHAT HAS SALLY BEEN UP TO???

In the good old days of the NBA we would never have heard from him again. If he was a star back in the 70s, when he retired, the league would own all the rights to his image and name, and MJ would have a musty room in a halfway house, sinking an already meager league pension into bad investment deals, and washing down his mexican arthritis medicine with one measure strawberry wine, 2 measures despair. Instead he's cashed up and all over the place these days, causing more of a scene than one of Mike Vicks dogs in the gameroom with a Kong full o greenies:


1. LE DIVORCE

Michael Jordan Divorce

Its back on!

Forbes calls MJs upcoming divorce 'costliest ever', wizznutzz calls it 'the first stone'

Costly indeed! Mad Money's Jim CRamer downgraded Malaysian Manufacturing Futures to "FLUSH" on hearing the news!

Details of the settlement are still being hammered out. In fact MJ has been in hi-powered talks with his legal team (see below foto) to determine how much of his estate he will be losing.

Michael Jordan WHoring

Early reports suggest Juanita will get 150 million and share joint custody of Leonard Hamilton, while MJ retains control over his insatiably empty heart, his collection of vintage chenille varsity letters (all strangely scarlet 'A's), his fathead wall sticker of Doug Collins, a shoebox of unopened letters from Michael WIlbon, 3 Million 'DIner Reward Points' redeemable at any area MVP Restaurant, Eddie Rush's black book, Kevin Bacon's underpants and the secret recipe to 'Jordan, By Michael' cologne (Juanita insisted the barrels, labelled 'Property of Bijan', be removed before mating season cuz they attract aggressive deer to the property)


Juanita released the following prepared statement through her lawyers:

"The hot night makes us keep our bedroom windows open.
Our magnolia blossoms. Life begins to happen.
My hopped up husband drops his home disputes,
and hits the streets to cruise for prostitutes,
free-lancing out along the razor's edge.
This screwball might kill his wife, then take the pledge.
Oh the monotonous meanness of his lust. . .
It's the injustice . . . he is so unjust--
whiskey-blind, swaggering home at five.
My only thought is how to keep alive.
What makes him tick? Each night now I tie
ten dollars and his car key to my thigh. . . .
Gored by the climacteric of his want,
he stalls above me like an elephant."


2. HANGING WITH TIGER WOODS

Michael Jordan Tiger Woods

How nice Salieri and Tiger are pals! Right!
This is just another in a long line of MJ's media-staged 'friendships' that r as genuine as a Space Jam screen kiss. Like when Mike used to 'hang out' with Michael Jackson in that JAM song like they was in an African American version of 'Perfect Strangers'!!



Did ya CHeck out another of MJs corporate populist 'FRIENDS' (TM): AHmad Rashaad in that video! ?!
A-Raad be SPortin' a circa 91 outfit fresh from SPike's Joint in Fort Greene!!

Wanna be friends with Michael Jordan? Heres how you do it:

A. Submit tax receipts from last 4 years to David Falk. He will use Net Worth calcualtor to determine if you r financially suitable mate

B. If you are rich but not rich enough to pass step A, then there is a one time 'BUY-IN' price set to ONE MILLION DOLLARS

Here is Dale Earnhardt presenting MJ with his friendship dowry at the recent NASCAR Nextel Open:


Michael Jordan Dale Earnhardt


Dale and MJ, now BFF4EVER*!!!
(*subject to annual maintenance charges and adjustment for inflation)


3. SPARRING PARTNERZ

Next, Sally headed to VEGAS (where no one bets '23-Black' when he's in town cuz of a local superstition

Mike took in the Merriweather De La Hoya fight:



Michael Jordan Jack Nicholson
MJ and Jack Nicholson try to suck each others souls out using the dementors kiss but find the wells are dry and have to order Executive Nachos instead to wash the ashy taste out of mouths.

Oscar De La Hoya
No wonder DeLa Hoya lost! Check out tha shoes!!
He's wearin custom Red Malay Tru-Pleather Air Brimleys!!!!
Say it aint so De La noSoul!!!!
Oscar's part of the 23MULEMAN stable!!


4. ACE OF CLUBS

SUperfan RAY sent us these pix of Michael Jordan recently in the K STREET LOUNGE trawling for future young adultresses!!!

Michael Jordan David Falk

He made sure to bring his superagent The Bird Of Prey to hand out condoms and confidentiality agreements

You would think MJ would have learned from THE LAST TIME HE WENT DOWN ON 'K STREET' !!!!




5. TY LUE MISTAKENLY WEIGHED IN WITH JOCKEYS




Next Salieri headed down to Kentucky for the derby where he attended Muhammad ALi VIP Reception w/ O-Town and Microfracture Jesus before introducing the sin of wagering to some impressionable 8th Graders.

Meanwhile MJs fave bookie, Jimmy 'The Rat' Lynam worked the rails in a pair of dust bowl overalls (boasting a bejwelled shamrock on the bib) and took numbers from drunk debutantes on his steno pad, eyeing the track cops while nervously popping lemon drops into his tight lips

6. LEROY

Michael Jordsn Ashanti

And FInally, last weekend MJ headed out to a celeb junket at the opening of Sol Kerzner's latest mauve stucco marine tax-shelter travesty: The Cove Atlantis on Paradise Island, to help celebrate Stevie WOnders birthday, lose a cool million and make the following widely reported move on young model Sara Kova

At Thursday's birthday party for Stevie Wonder at the Cove, [Kova] was taken aback when single-again Michael Jordan did a fast break in her direction. "He was walking so intensely, I was a little nervous," she recalls. "He said, 'Hi, who are you? I'm Leroy.' I knew he was Michael Jordan, but I played along. He asked if I wanted to come out on a boat with his friends. I passed on that one, but we did party together later at Aura."
-NY Daily News

'LEROY' ????

Is 'Leroy' MJs nom de whore???

WHy 'Leroy' ??
Names have riddles of meaning, like 'Hibachi' means 'Whats Cookin Okasan!' and "Kwame' is african for 'baby hands' and 'FALK' is 'Falcon' in Yiddish. (Its tru fact look it up.)

Well wizznutzz have got to the bottom of this.
How did we crack this secret code of yours MJ???
Like Woody Woodpecker floats to the smells of a hot windowsill pie, we pick up the scent of vanity and decay.

LEROY IS DERIVED FROM OLD FRENCH 'Le Roi' MEANING:

"THE KING"

WHich leads to next queastion:
What is french word for 'DOUCHE' ???

IS THIS REALLY THE BEAHVIOUR OF A KING???

SOme have a theory that Sally has been p-O.P.P.-ing up everyplace as part of cunning plan to raise profile of the Charlotte Bobcats but we know thats Jive and that Bob Johnson has actually just lifted 9-month social ban on MJ which he got as punishment for losing Jeff McInnis in a poker game.

Herez another Fench word for you,

"REVENANT"

it means a ghost that returns home after death many years later to haunt site of former glories, like Gene SHue hangin around the Green Turtle in college Park playing quarters and trying to score digits from sorority girls. Thats MJ: hanging around the league like an embarrasing expatriate frat boy. We wrote about it before, and so did Graham Greene and GDubs should know, cuz GDubs also wrote "I aint afraid of no ghosts!!!"

Salieri isnt a king, he is only an old kid playing king in the sand, building castles and when u build castles in the sand you get 2 things:

Sandcastles
and
an Empty Bucket

That empty bucket is the soul of michael jordan and just as time washes the hands of vanity, the high tide reclaims kingdoms built of sand and the empty bucket is left, listing on the edge of the shore in teasing winds, a big open empty eye forced to gaze forever upon the dreadful scene of endless sands, 'lone and level , boundless and bare', where no footprint survives the day, an open empty mouth upon whose hard salty lips the winds whistle "Is it in you?"


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Wednesday, January 24, 2007
 
"RIKE ROO RALWAYS RAY RALIERI,

COP KILLAZ BUY SHOES TOO!"




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Friday, December 29, 2006
 

Link
SALIERI TO DIVORCE!!!!

Michael Jordan runs another franchise into the ground!

What was the final straw i wonder?
The gambling?
The adultry?
The vampirism?
The endless "fishing trips" with Doug Collins?



Even though MJ has blown through most of the family money, He and Juanita Dixon Jordan still have many assets to divvy up, like houses, cars, Tyronne Lue...



One thing for sure, the homeless aint seeing any!

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