When Michael Ruffin learned he had been traded from the Chicago Bulls last month, he and his wife, Mistye, rounded up their four children, packed enough clothes and belongings to get through the season and grabbed their jar of yet-to-hatch crescent gecko eggs before heading to Portland.
All of this after they found temporary homes for their bearded dragon, African spur-thigh tortoise, tarantula, three dogs, corn snake, hamster and ferrets...
...Over the years, Ruffin's animal collection has been so extensive he can't remember how many "pets" he's actually owned. But his best guess is roughly 100.
There have been hedgehogs, African bullfrogs, countless snakes -- including boa constrictors and pythons -- a wide array of lizards, salamanders and chameleons. There have been caimans (small crocodiles), unusual fish, and dozens of more ordinary animals, such as dogs, cats, ferrets, rabbits and hamsters.
The most exotic creature Ruffin has owned is a coatimundi, a type of raccoon from Central America, which he eventually donated to the Denver Zoo. He's also owned a few African spur-thighed tortoises, bearded dragons and tarantulas.
Ruffrider is DOCTOR DOOLITTLE!!!
All those animals but did you notice: no squirrels?!!!! As we have reported here many times Mike Ruffin only fears one thing in gods kingdom and that is the squirrel. He is terrified of them. Even at his wedding he couldn't stop thinking about squirrel attacks!
It is interesting that he loves other animals so much but hates the squirrel. Maybe this is classic overcompensation: he is hiding from his fears of one animal by surrounding himself by other, less deadly animalia? or maybe he is doing an experiment to show mankind what a divine exotic natural uptopia would exist on this earth if we eradicated the predator squirrel. OR MAYBE MICHAEL RUFFIN IS BUILDING AN ARK, OMG HE IS GOING TO BUILD AN ARK for THE END OF DAYS!!!! I need to get me a couple giant ferret suits to be part of the new surviver race!!!!
Our summer vacation is coming to a close. We have been on a long hianus but we are riding americas great bus system to come home to you!!!!
It has been a quiet offseason for the WIzards. Even for Agent Zero oh except for building ONE MILLION HOMES!!!!!!
But the new season is gonna be hot , hot like "Staff Party Hot" at Royal Bengal Restaurant, hot for us and hot for Agent Zero.
He showed us his TAKEOVER 08 "TO DO LIST" and i can tell u now its got some whoppers!!! We cant spoil the planz yet, but heres a sample:
Gil unveils plan to stop Global Warming!!!! Our tip: if you got stock in Airship International, double down cuz someones gotta build those ONE MILLION BLIMPS!!!!
When we move back into our offices at the Wheaton Plaza Circuit City we expect all the big TVs to have the damn football on them. We hate football these days especially in Washington football .
We have a coach who don't care about harvesting nuts because he's waiting for the rapture when all the white man from Houston and suburban VA will all fly up to heavan to be with Jesus and David Duchovnys naked ass , while we all suffer down on earth stuck in an eternal drive-time slot with Doc Walker.
And why is everyone so high on Jason Campbell already??? Why r u so blind so loyal?? Did Dan Snyder lure Leni Reifenstahl out of retirement?? People all say how much poise he has for "standing up in the pocket" .. Its like Chris Rock says : " You SUPPOSED to stand up in the pocket you low expectation-having motherfucker! !!!!
One thing we are very happy thouigh, is when Redskins signed SUFJAN STEVENS as their kicker. We love his poignantly observant play, and we love the Sadcore open mic nite he hosts Tuesday nights at Greveys. Last week I wept on my poppers when Shar Pourdanesh uttered the lines "I died a miniature death" .. SharPo was showing some serious ASSonance!!!!!
I also am so tired from all the Football Analists and Incite-men on the pregame shows. I have never seen so much ill-fitting Van Heusen since John Feinstein's Bah Mitzvah!!!!!
Jaws is just yapping and yapping away and no one has heart to stop him or tell him that he the place he bought his his glasses at - Anne Klein , that thats a store for women!
JAWS: "Yes well Tony, every team has divisions in the the lockerroom but ultimately whether that team wins or loses depends on how they are able to put those differences in perspective on Sunday morning and win some football games. I'll tell you a story, when I was a rookie in 1977 and Carl Hairston had this thing where he would walk around the lockerroom naked after a game, eating biscuits. And he would get biscuit crumbs all over the shower floor and make a real mess and a lot of guys weren't happy about it but they weren't about to say anything to big Carl."
TONY: "HA! Carl Hairston eating biscuits? Well at least it wasn't JERRY Hairston eating biscuits!!! Right Jaws???"
JAWS: Right Tony! So I'm looking at Carl and I'm thinking, wow I haven't seen a naked black man eat in the shower since I was a kid growing up in Lackawanna and my family took in a guy who worked at the lumber mill with my dad and who had hit a tough streak. Next thing I'm thinking to myself: "You know, I think I'd like to take off my clothes an eat biscuits too" but I was a rookie and you know, the thing about naked rookies is, some guys are just going to take that the wrong way,that's just the way it is. So when it came down to it in the end, I had to make the call that so many young men have to make in a pro football lockerroom : "Am I gonna be a gay biscuit eater or am I just gonna' be a naked guy eating biscuits?"
And if i want to watch football games I want to watch football, not RACIST ROUNDTABLE, like when on MNF the guys are broken up about Andy Reids sons Britt and Garrett being in trouble with the law and saying their hearts go out to Andy and its every parents nightmare and "There but for the grace of god go we".....
Are we talking about the Same Britt and Garrett who ON THE VERY SAME DAY in different places on the earth where people were minding thier own business and living their lives and rushing to the post office with innocent joy to get the package of duty free whitefish that their finnish friend had mailed them in individual Media Mail pouches covered in salty stamps that featured the great "CIVIL RIGHTS LEADERS OF FINLAND" and then in one car comes Britt, high on blow and aiming a loaded gun at people while gentle Garrett spends the morning shooting smack into his fat neck, oh you know smack, its that drug the Taliban makes!!! so he can get the courage up to run a red light and smash into someone and then back to Brett who gets anxious waiting for trial starring at the peeling Fatheads on the wall in his dads mansion so he gets loaded and does some more blow and gets back into his car for a another round??!!!!!
You mean THAT Brett and Garrett????? Thats not Andy Reids worst nightmare, thats everyone else worst nightmare right. Hey we all miss our fraternitys, all that sunburn and nerfball in the halls and unreported date rapes guys, but really now!!! Lock em up Rusty!!!
Then not 5 days later I hear the guys on Fox NFL postgame telling Donny McNabb , who by the way gets called "N***er" by his own fans - that he should "SHut up and play" and not bring up "race" . Tru fact.
ENUFF OF THIS CHINO POWER PROPOGANDA!!!!!
As For Our SUmmer, Here is What our Interns Have been Upto:
DANA: Was last seen cashing a huge check from Travis Henry, slapping down a $1000 bill at Apollo Liquor store for 2 Bottles of Cristal and a tube of Blistex.
He didnt have time to talk much but he emailed us this photo of him enjoying himself at Gotland Spa, geeting all galenskap with local rap stars like Looptroop, Snoopy and MC Tim
KEN: Ken has been spending the summer at Luray Caverns. He wasnt part of any tour or anything, he just wandered and found a dark hole and climbed in. He missed the mothering hut!!! When i saw him a couple days ago the duct tape that we had tied around his head to protect his ears, like they do to rugby players , it was almost all gone!!!
Miss WIlmer Jones-Ham-McTorchy-McZee is very ambitious politiically, she is like Lady McZee MacBeth , and Darvin is worried that she is up to something like that time she used playing cards to hypnotise Michael Adams for 7 years!!!!
JAARKO: Our intern Jaarko spent his summer doing his usual job as Herring boy at Borga Segelsallskap Yacht Club and called me to tell me he was flying home to "Dull" Virginia and to pick him up, and I said "you mean 'Dulles' Virginia?" and he said "That is right 'Dull" Virginia, haha!!!" its on old joke he plays that never gets old! But then I hear this meesage on my phone yesterday:
"My friends I will be late coming to America, for the problems I have at airport. When I am in transit lounge I am eating my pickled fish see and reading in magazine of how Kiefer Sutherland is making his muscles so big while I am waiting when the lady tells me to eat my fish somewhere else please, so I go into airport toilet and close door to enjoy my snak and then man next to me, he is also in toilet, he taps his feet next to me and wave his hand under the wall that is between us and he coughs and I think I know what he means, for he wants me to share my snack with him!!!! And so I put a big cold smelt in his hand and say "a big treat for a big man!" Then when they call for my plane I am going to check in and I am pulled aside and a man in a uniform put his wand under my robes. This slows me down and I'm not even to security yet!!!! Finally I am here at security now and they are now asking me questions about forms I give them. Maybe you know what is problem? They ask me about any "genocide" and I tell them I have medicine from National health for it! And they ask me about what I doing in Finland and now I am showing them!!! Wait and now some more men are coming to me now, they have moustache like me but also angry face I dont understand what is happening...... hullo men!.... wait no do not doin that to me men.... no please, no, DON'T TASE ME VELI!!!!!!!"
that was end of message!!
ANYway, we spent our summer Watching All The Big Summer BLOCKBUSTER MOVIES!!!!
We saw Marvin Brando's new movie "CAPS FOR SALE 2: PEDDLER DEADLY" . David Foster Wallace was great as the voice of the Monkey. I didnt know monkeys could play tennis!!!
Then we saw the Tyler Perry movie: "BLACK STEREOTYPES SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS LORD!"Also it was awesome!
And our favorite of all was the #1 big budget summer comedy with Robin Williams and Eddie Murphy called "BIG RED FONT!" It is outrageous! but not as outrageous as how that genius Tom Shaydac can turn $200 million dollars into an air conditioned afternoon of laughs!!!
HERE ARE SOME MORE SUMMER MOVIES WE HAVE BEEN ENJOYING!!!!
CAPTAIN KANGAROO'S BIG SECRET
If you ever wonder why our intern Jaarko can afford so all those courtside seats and top shelf Cloudberry liquer is because he earns royalties from his Uncle Espoo Ruutu who was a "friend" in hit Finnsih feltcore band "Fredi and Friends" Jaarko has lots of movies of his uncle because he is so proud.
Our favorite one is Fredi and Friends performing "PUMP PUMP" at the 1976 Eurovision finals. Thats Espoo on the keyboard!!
Espoo also got monies for writing the song "Sata Salaama" aka "Eye of the Reindeer" in 1987!!!
Wizznutzz have exclusive footage of Gilbert Arenas (screen name "Agent ARenas") playing Halo with his Final Boss teammates!!! I havnt seen an owner taking on his own team like this since ABe Pollin beat Kevin Porter and Ricky SObers at the annual Cap Center "Pollock 4 Poorfolk" imitation crab eating contest!!!
You can hear Agent ARenas groaning alot, thats cause hes getting whipped, and hes getting whipped because he spends the whole game in a corner challenging Avery Johnson to a one-handed grenade throwing contest!!!!
WELL HUNG AND SNOW WHITE TAN
Exclusive footage of Darius SOngalia and the whole Lithuanian mens basketball team getting happy, getting naked!!! The team gets paid so little from the Lithuanian government since they spent all 2007 fiscal budget financing Tyrone Nesbys rap career that they had to make ends meet by performing in a mobile all-male review. Who wants to change a tire!!!
I havnt seen so many happy naked men since I caught my dad backstage at Tap Dogs!
So we caught up with 'Dray this summer laying low, staying away from ladies of the night.
FIRST WE CAUGHT UP WITH HIM STAYING AWAY FROM LADIES AT "FLIRT" NITECLUB ON K STREET!!!
DeShawn, Gilbert , Caron and Rog Mason came along!!!
Is that Stephen A Smith at the 2:08 mark???
THEN WE CAUGHT UP WITH ANDRAY AVOIDING THE NASTY AT 2AM AT SPANK NITECLUB!!!!
DOnell and DeShawn and Twan and Carlos Rogers were all there! SO was Andrays sex rehab sponsor FRED SMOOT!!!
IS ANTAWN IS THE FASHION FORWARD SMALL FORWARD or what!!!!
We will forgive the Yankees Hat 'Twan, because we know u just wore it to match your navy tanktop!!!! Check out that thick piping!!! Hey who invited King Louis XIV's poolboy????!!!!!
O-TOWN IN SNO-TOWN!
Hot new rap video from an underground ALASKAN Hip Hop group called, really,:
"THE CHARLES OAKLEY PROJECT"
THE ORIGINAL JORDAN MULES
Speaking of O-Town, we enjoyed watching him eat cheetos and slapping around the David Beckham of Finland: Scottie Pippin, in an the awesome new documentary "THE SEED OF SALIERI" that charts the roots of Michael Jordans narcissism and bitter jealousy.
We r introduced to the original Jordan Mules, whom MJ calls "My Pigeons".
We r introduced to Michaels gambling, his greed, his bullying.
But the star of the movie is a young Doug Collins. He reveals for the first time his homoerotic intentions for young Salieri. In a series of candid, confused, darkly cliche monologues we see the young sycophant, the wily, hungry, fawning swain with the crooked smile. There is much forshadowing of the relationship to come, you can see coach Collins realises how special this moment is, to meet another younger, more gifted, more admired, more self absorbed man, and fall in ugly love for him, and have a once in a lifetime opportunity to feed off of his glory like a filthy lake-bed snake.
Psychanalists say that the desire to live vicariously through the anchievement of others is a common symptom of fullblown narcissim. One psychoanalist called "Dr Sam" wrote a book about Collins and MJ and he called in "THE MALIGNANT HEART"
"Narcissism" is the substitution of a False Self for the True Self. This, arguably, is the predominant feature of narcissism: the True Self is repressed, relegated to irrelevance and obscurity, left to degenerate and decay.
Horrified by the absence of a clearly bounded, cohesive, coherent, reliable, and self-regulating self – the mentally abnormal person resorts to one of the following solutions, all of which involve reliance upon fake or invented personality constructs:
The Appropriation Solution – This is the appropriation, or the confiscation of someone else's self in order to fill the vacuum left by the absence of a functioning Ego.
Another thing that is causing some serious foreshadowing is Dougs perm!!
With that hair and that grafic print argyle Doug looks like a keyboard player with tha CHuck Mangionie band!!!
Man check out all "mmm-mm-mmm-uh-huh-yes" COUGARS in that crowd! Poor 'Tan!! Cougars with degrees in AFrican American studies are the scariest cougars of all!!! Cuz they are PROUD COUGARS! These aint no Sisters of The Yam son and when they get u home they gonna want to see what your oral skilzz are REALLY about, u know what im sayin!!!! theyll invite u back to their place at the Private Estates at Musty Downs and work u hard. U be coming up for air, the P Cougz be like "Did you hear me tell you you could stop?? Get back down there Levert, what do you think you doing, bobbin for apples???!!"
INTO THE MILD aka THE MIKE RUFFIN BIOBLITZ!!
I know when you hear "Bioblitz" u r like us and think of Juan Dixon's new line of anitseptic deoderants but this is much bigger, much better than that!!!
Our FAVORITE summer movie by far is this documentary about Micahel Ruffin leading an ill-fated expedition of inner city children throuigh the wilds of rock creek park!!!
Ruffin set aside his cripplingfearofsquirrels to enter the muggy thicket like an urban crocodile hunter, wrestling isopods, rescuing fawns, fondling snake, calming a disoriented Calbert Cheany who stumbled from the undergroth complaing of "bad berries"
My favorite part is when the lady says:
"(Mike Ruffins) children are the next generation of stewards of the National Park Service"!!!!
Take that ice caps!!! Ranger Ruffins are on the case!!!
So very very very very very much more on this movie later in the season!!!
We R sorry the site is having so much problems. I left the TRS99-4A home computer in Kens hands but Sibley Cross Hospital just phoned to say Ken swallowed the batteries for the tape recorder hard drive!!! We r working on it!
Also, tru fact, I was in AUSTRALIA!!!!!! I was there for many reason:
One, I brought my mother there for fresh air and powdered wombat bone so she can convalesce and get away from the pressure of her upcoming trialaka the "Burning Ma"am" Festival, for torching her 86 Benzo for insurance dimes. We hope to get the Judge Who Cried from the case of Anna Nicole Smith v. The Darkness trial. He seems a a fair man and would understand that just because my mom, Former Saginaw Mayor Wilmer Jones Ham, fled from police in a white pinto with her best friend Altamese Allen is not sign of guilt but of normal flight mechanism of scared animals. I know people want to turn my mom into power crazed "Lady Macbeth" but stubborn stains do not equal madness, even bacon stains. But Im no Rod Strickland. I knows a bum beef when I sees one. I am committing my times to hunting down the "real" firebugs: Cecil A. Collins Jr. and Handyman Jerry W. Wilkins. Hey JDubs, there aint nothing "Handy" about passing out drunk in the bosses backseat with a can of gas and a lit Newport. And then There are so many natural ways a ladys car can catch alight. Saginaw as u know has bad problem with Mexican possums and fire is only way to burn those buggers out when they take nest in your car. Plus have u seen what kind of Guy Fawkes pyrotechnics happen when a unattended hair iron is left on around a plastic salad bowl full of week-old Dudley's Salon Control Gel Activator????
AND BOOM GOES THE WALLABY!
It will be OK. Thanks for all your letters of support. I am not worried about my Moms. If she has to do hard time in an all-womens prison then Im not worried. Mom can bench press her wait in canteen chili and can swap her special Ham family pruno for stamp money. She can hold her mud. She aint sellin wolf tickets and isn"t afrad to shower around ladies.
Anyways meantime I enjoyed Australia! Its a couintry like Ron Artest's Tru Warior records: fiercely independent and founded by convicts! I have been keeping busy.
On the plane trip I listened to this Steve Buckhantz call for 16 hours in a row, lent Ralph Fiennes my travel lotion, and had my cheeseBoot detonated on the tarmac by Australian customs!
I was guest assistant coach at BDL - Bogan Development League with Andrew "Fatal Shore" Bogut and former Bullet Andrew "White Vegemite" Gaze!! Andrews dad Lindsay is famous Oz coach, like an outback Jimmy 'The Rat' Lynam, and was showing the young Oz ballers the Eddie Jordan offense aka "The Walkabout".
But don"t get me wrong, it wasn"t all work we also had more japes than a Yahoo Serious Film Festival!
First I went to a fancy art gallery because they added "FEAR POUCH" to the permanent collection of indigenous art.
Then Shane Heal took me down to St Kilda beach and I paraded around in nothing but my Ugg boots and lycra budgie smugglers! We had too many Matilda Bay Wine Coolers and got in a scrape in the parking lot of Bojangles Niteclub when I found out the hard way that ABoriginies don"t like it much when u ask them to "point the bone" !!!!!
Did u know integrity spins down the toilet counter-clockwise in Austalia???
Andrew Gaze called his dance partner, Linda DeNicola "The Michael Jordan of Dancing". I guess that means she did the Hustle, then stood in the spotlight and got like Morris Day and made Gaze dance in front of her with a big mirror like that yes man Jerome so she could admire herself, then she slept with Gaze's wife, called him a "flaming faggot", fleeced 10K out of him on side bets, and finally, bought an ownership stake in Australia"s Dancing with the Stars, brought in her own "celebrity" dancers Leonard Hamilton and Doug Collins and ran the franchise into the ground.
Salieri will never learn!!! He keeps rising up in the bowl like some unflushable turd. If only he could be like Don Fabrizio, the faded, existentially lost aristocrat from The Leopard who accepts that glory is conceit:
"We were the Leopards, the Lions, those who'll take our place will be little jackals, hyenas; and the whole lot of us, Leopards, jackals, and sheep, we'll all go on thinking ourselves the salt of the earth."
And now hes ponied up his share of the divorce cut to buy into Bernie Butterstaffs Charlotte Bobcats!
In every relationship, trust is very important; never break that trust.
Hey where is his vow about promising "to wipe off the musky stink of adultery before I kiss u goodnite"?
This maakes me think of an other Wizard's wedding vows. No Not Gilbert!!! Hes not married yet to Laura Govan b/c he's still waiting for Talmudic scholarz to decode the 900 page prenup provided by Laura's law firm of Eisenstein, Warburton and Hibachi. But when that special day comes for Gil to make an honest baby mama of LG heres betting he vows:
I vow to love and honor you through the best of times and the worst, and to play online solitaire during all the times in between
But the Wizard I was thinking of was someone different.
Thanks to the Freedom Of Edutainment Act, Wizznutzz have obtainbed exlusive copy of Michael Ruffins wedding vows!!!
I, Michael Ruffin, do solemnly vowe to always walk ahead of you to protect you of harm. If that means 2 or 3 blocks ahead of you because there have been reported squirrel sightings, then so be it.
I swear before God that I will never be too old to cook breakfast for you in the nude.
I promise to capture your fears and release them, like squirrels, onto the neighbors property.
It shall be my great joy to open your eyes to the rich bounties of life, and to provide you a Sears and Roebuk credit card with which to seize them.
I pledge to you that yours will be the name I cry aloud in the night and yours will be the eyes into which I first smile in the morning, not including the glazed eyes of the Eastern Fox squirrel I killed at daybreak.
I promise you a rose garden, and that I shall tend to it tirelessly, even at the expense of our time together, baiting the traps, felling the surrounding trees, gassing dormant nests, encasing the bed in 12 inch reinforced concrete so not one nut shall find purchase, and synchornizing the small, pressure-sensitive explosives.
I dont know who we r influencing exactly but its a safe bet they are carrying around a warm block of Philly cream cheese in their front jeans pocket!! There has been a tipping point that much is 4 sure. Since day wizznutzz launched, livestock fertility in Holland has tripled!
NICE SHIRT D SHAN!
Thanx for the honor DAN and JMOTTZ! Sure we've had some awards before, like Lifetime Acheivement In Innovation from the Dairy Board, and Mike Russo declared our collection of nude Maury Chaykin photos as one of "Top 10 Sites I check Each Morning", and then when our intern Jaarko was first Finnish person to ever win gold at the "Giffy" awards for animated gifs for his floating Ghitza heads. but this is special!
Meantime, Agent Zero has major new BLOG incites.
First up, he mentions one of wizznutzz fave things ever: his Dad's cameo on TNBC hit show HANG TIME!
Its the coolest cameo since Brendan Todd Haydwood's dad Spencer starred in a 'very special episode' of Growing Pains where he taught Maggie Seaver about the dangers of the Post-Suburban Mandingo COmplex!!!
Hangtime starred Reggie Theus! Building a sitcom around Reggie Theus is like building an offense around Calvin Booth! Gil Sr took the role real serious. Not MiamiViceserious mind u, but serious no doubt. Maybe it even went to his head a bit, like when he would go to Gil Jrs ball games and heckle him "Your game OK but you aint no Julie Connor!"
Gil SR stayed in REF character for 16 months! This is why sometimres AGent Zero gets so distressed letting zebras get into his dome.
he named him Trplie A: Alijah Amani Arenas! It was a toss up between that name and Ashraf Amaya Arenas!!!
Gil is already competing with his son:
I was talking a little trash to him already.
I told him hopefully he darkens up a little bit, because he was a little light in the skin. Then I told him he needs to watch the movie 300, because he needs to be a Spartan type of man.
We first compoared the Arenas men to Spartans last year:
Gilbert is like a SPartist. In ancient SParta they had no currency or capital and eveyone sat about and had tons of free time and no jobs and almost everyone was a musician --like Takoma Park but more showering!
Agent Zeros gonna be an awesome dad. He's gonna be the Earl Woods of HALO!!!! He bought his son a tiny couch to sleep on! He's already playing his signature pranks on AAA: hosing him off when he makes potty, pulling all the heads of his stuffed toys, replacing his children's asprin with candy Runts!
AAA is a sweet nickname. Its better than our choices: "The Turnover" "Sub Zero", "All The Black Presidents Men" , and "Hippolitolito" !!!
Hop on the comments board and give us your own Gil Jr Jr Nicknames!!!!