Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Next Commecial Dominion for Queen James: Beerwater!
While making the rounds of the Verizon Center dumpsters looking for discarded Papa John's pizza crusts (hey, it's the recession), we came upon this intriguing script for a new LeBron commercial. Though it was covered with Old Bay and grease, it was easy enough to make out the words:
[A basketball court, hoop to the right. Queen James enters the frame from the left, dribbling a basketball, then picks it up and walks into the center of the frame before turning to and addressing the camera.]
LbJ: Hi, I'm LeBron James. In between playing myself in commercials and spraying baby powder all over the place, I sometimes play basketball.
[Montage of LeBron drives to the basket.]
LbJ[voiceover]: And my experience playing basketball has taught me the value of taking three steps.
[Back to LeBron on the court, addressing the camera.]
LbJ: That's why, when I'm off the court, I enjoy the clean, crisp taste of Miller Lite. You see, the makers of Miller Lite take the time to add hops at three different steps during the brewing process.
LbJ: That's what gives Miller Lite its great Pilsner feel. In fact, I'm thinking about adding hops to every step I take!
[Bizarre drive to the basket on the right featuring a bunch of bunny hops and no dribbling, followed by a thunderous dunk.]
LbJ: Miller Lite. It's less filling when you drink it, so I can spend more time filling up the basket.
[Replay of the end of bizarre drive]
LbJ: And that's the power of three steps.
[Show Miller Lite graphic]
Voiceover: Miller Lite. It's somehow distinguishable from its competitors.
[Back to LeBron, grinning, with a bib on, dining on crustaceans. A little mallet is poised to unlock the sweet leg meat. He looks up and smiles.]
LbJ: Try it with crabs!
The Post-It on the front of this document says:
Should there be a ref patting LeBron on the butt in affection?
Or not in affection?
Maybe bring back Grandpa LeBron for an intergenerational hops thing?
Need to develop LeBron character more. What motivates him?
There's also a huge "REJECTED" stamp with a silhouette of Sideshow Varejao. But LeBron-Miller Lite is an intriguing pairing, like Spam and E. coli. What do you think LeBron's next endorsement move should be?
ANother year older! Unless you are Andray Blatche! Have u seen the movie "The Curious Case of Benjiman Buttons???" about how Brad Pitt is a hundred years old and still breastfeeding?? DOnt bother wiz fans!!! if youve followed the career of Andray Blatche then you already seen this movie! Andray is the only baller be aging backwards!
Its been very quiet around here but when we just heard Steve Buckhantz announce on air that Deshawn Stevenson had "an epidural" we knew it was time to break the silence!!!!
An epidural!!! Good jesus could you give LeBron any more ammunition??? JayZs on the way to the studio right now scibbling "Neural" "Intramural" and "black squirrel" on his rhyming pad.
Buts thats what we love about "the boy who cried overrated". Deshawns trash is just so negligent its nearly sexual. Did u see him on the sidelines the other day in his red velvet jawing at the Queen??? It was so smooth, my boy was The Velour Fog out there. If LeBron v DeShawn is Sticks and Stones then DeShawn is definitely tha stones. In a real ruff season trouncing CleTown on a walking call was "garlique" - thats french for "so right on!"
It was also great 'Schedenfraude" (spanish for 'Hater'!) to have the game decided by a the most controversial makeup call since Danson went blackface. Now we all know Queen james is the mopiest travelling salesman since Willy Loman
(Sing these words in your brain to the tune of 'Cobacabana' once and you will sing them a thouand times:
"His name was Willy, hey!
He was a Loman,
The Incomparable Sexual SHowman!")
The bums been rushing the show since the day he was drafted. Lebron is a frequent flier, a barnstormer. he travels far and wide anmd those shoes done earned a lotta milez, but this time he went to the gate and ref said "sorry sir you havnt accrued enuff milez to redem them for another award flite" cuz in the Association there are rules for travellers, like the Jordan Rules, when the league turn blind on Salieri's ho strolls, but thats because the road to the champioship is a long one and vets with rings clocked alot of miles getting there. Its the same reason why Dikembe Mutombo hasnt had to even dribble a ball since 2005. But the young royal thinks he gets the privilege by birth and thinks he is above the law and is all like "the rules are wrong you provincial simpletons, u could never understand my jetsetting wayz, i have travelled the world over and when u travelled as much as i have you see new things and learn the ways of the world and the Crab Step maybe exotic to your rustic whistles but in europe its a way of life and in China they got this 4-step, 2-handed dribble move that all the boys do that they call "Path of the Righteous"
But we hate on Lebron to hide our pain. Also we hate on him because hes a cashfat miserabilist fraud. but also it hides our pain too. because its been a rough year my friends. so very rough.
It is the Year of Sleeping Daggers in CHinatown.
Its got so bad last week i was at the arena and they kept playing this new jock jam: it was the TV on the Radio song "DLZ" during timeouts:
This is beginning to feel like the long winded blues of the never.... This is ... This is beginning to feel like the dawn of a loser forever...
Sean Avery sez "One mans supersonic battlecopter is Jan Michael Vincents sloppy seconds!!!!"
Chirstimas day was maybe was the worst.
Christmas Day in Cleveland and Santa gotta a brand new counterfeit bag from Chinatown and stuffed it full of ennui, complimentary chalk, cursed etonics and chocolate kismet. The Xmas day beatdown was typical of the season but also left a flaming brownbag of memories on the doorstep of my brain.
It made me go back to 3 years ago in the playoffs, the Wiz are the highest scoring team in the East, they got a hot young superstar called Agent Zero, on national tv against the games biggest superstar leBron james, and they are on national TV trading daggers and hi-def dramaz. The Wiz came up short but all agreed it was one for the ages and these two teams would be rivals for years and the wiz r the team of tomorrow.
Now flash it all the way back to 1997.
The Bullets are in the playoffs against the world champion Bulls and superstar Michael Jordan, and they got two young rising stars of their own Chris Webber and Juwan Howard that have the whole town excited, and we play 3 hardfought games with the Bulls on national TV and even though we come up short we earned respect and MJ praises the team and everyone says we are the team to watch in the future.
Well we been watching!!!!!!
and we know what happened then and its happening again:
bad knees, throatslashing gesture, cant feel my face, too much money, bad knees, bad halfsmokes, bad trades, endorsement deals, runaway cars, runaway skydog, runaway pituitary glands, coaching changes, resisting arrest, puerto rican customs, loud suits, defamation suits, webber v fila, keloids, DUIs, shoplifting, bad knees, bad lottery picks, hubert davis
Is this just the curse of Lez Boulets?
Do we get this like Icarus for flying to close to the sun??
If you dont know the tale of Icarus its about Tony Icarus, who killed his wife and got sent to the prison ALCATRAZ for his crimes. There he got the nickname of "The Birdman of Alcatraz" because he trained pigeons by feeding them cheap prison heroin. Everyone thought Tony Icarus was one crazy man, but he was smarter than he looked because he had a plan. Each day he would take some feathers from his pigeon friends until after many years he had enough feathers and built himself some giant birdwings so he could fly out of the jail into freedom. When the day came for him to escape it was a beautiful sunny day and he looked at the sun out the window and was so excited to free under its warm light soon. Then he carved a fake head out of wax and put it under his sheets so so the guards would look in his cell and see a lump under a sheet thick with bird droppings and say : "Thats just Tony Icarus sleeping !" Then the time comes and Tony jumps out his window. he only had once shot but the wings worked perfect! He soared up over the prison and swooped down by the ocean and whooped and laughed and cried with happiness. But there was one problem: back in tonys cell the hot sunlight had melted his wax head!!!! and all the pigeons were screaming because they became trapped in the hot wax and also because they had withdrawl symptoms from no heroin, and the racket brought the guards around who saw the clues and raised the alarm and as Icarus did one last pass over the horrible island that had kept him for so long the tower guards shot him in the back and he crashed to the rocks and the tower guards yelled into their walkie talkies: "Birdman Down! Birdman Down!"
Or maybe its like being a Wiz fan is like the "Myth of Sisyphus".
Its that famous story about guy called "Sisyphus" who was a Sherrifs deputy in a small town in Iowa. It was just a small town in iowa but it was a town that had the fattest man in america living there. He was so fat he could not even leave his bed. He just stayed in bed watching "Full COurt Press" and having pizzas delivered to his room. He was famous, he even went on Montel once, but Montel actually had to come to his house to do the show. One day every year, Sherrif Deputy Sisyphus would round up some of the strongest guys in the town and they would go to the fat mans house, and they would go up to his room, and clear away the pizza boxes and then carry him out of the house. It took like 20 guys and many hours to get him down the stairs. then they would load him onto the back of a big truck and take him into town to see the doctor. (the doctor didnt make house calls was the twist!) The doctor would try and find a cure for the mans fatness but every year the same thing happened: when he was done with the doctor the fat man would get rolled out to the parking lot and say to Sisyphus and the strong men "Sorry guys, no cure" and the guys would say "Bad luck fat man, well better luck next year" and then they would take him back home and carry him back up those stairs, practically breaking their backs doing it. This happened every single year. The time of year comes and Sisyphus would say "Cmon boys, time to roll this fat man down the stairs" and they roll him down and then they roll him right back up and they never found a cure for the fat man and he never died because all the pizza he ate preserved his organs.
Or maybe its not like any of those things. Maybe its just like the circle of life, except its not really a circle, its more like the Red Line to Shady Grove, but you get mugged at every single stop. Takoma-mugged. Fort Totten - mugged. Brookland CUA - mugged. Rhode Island Avenue - you find twenty dollars on the floor! New York Ave - a group of web coders surround you and tease you and slap you Sudoku book to the ground and take your 20 dollars. Union Station - mugged. Judiciary Square - homeless guy sits next to you and angrily feels himself while u get mugged. Gallery Place - mugged. Metro Center - start to get mugged but then a nice family of tourists gets on the train and breaks up the mugging, then the family rapes you and mugs you. Farragut North - mugged. Dupont Circle - you get mugged so bad you dont wake up for hours and wake up and the train has already gone back to takoma! and some guys who look like muggers get on and are talking about how a kid called Kwame Brown is gonna take the Wiz to a championship and then they look at you and you practically welcome them to mug you.
For this is A LOST SEASON in a LOST YEAR in a LOST LIFE of basketball. And There is a point in life like in every Bollywood movie where you just have to fight the tiger and lets face it the tiger has won!
Abe has passed the matches, and Ernie has lit a bonfire of the vanities. Jordan OUT! The Brown Hornet OUT! The team is even exploring a trade that would send Etan Thomas to the Pen American league for veteran John Ashbery and cash considerations.
Ernie Grunfeld has become the Reuben Kincaid of NBA GMs!
Last month Ernie pulled the trigger on a trade that promises to bring us two vital pieces to the Championship puzzle:
Javaris Crittendon: ('Javaris Crittendon'??? What kinda name is that? Is he named after the token black guy on a reality show set in Hyannisport????), is described by scouts as "a young Nick Young"
And Ernie defended Mike James: who has been described as "one-demensional" and "cancerous" everywhere he has gone, by saying: "We need a 3-point shooter" NO WE DONT, we HAVE 3 point shooters!!! We need 3 PT MAKERS!!!!
It was the biggest DC Hoops reality scandal since Mitch Kupchack flashed the transit cop in Real World Landover!
MIKE TV showed the world his secrets to great parenting: edutainment and carbo-loading!
The tv nanny wasn't so happy with his dad skillz though - she said that "making it rain allowance time" does NOT teach the value of hard work and that "eating as a family" should NOT be competitive eating, and that naked ladys hanging around the family pool all hours to to teach the kids to appreciate women is NOT what Dr Spock recommends, thats a different Dr SPock, but MIKE TV says to nanny "you dont even know me Poppins" and then Mike TV's youngest son stole our hearts when he turned to the camera and said "I didn't come to the United States to break my f**king back."
5 years old and quoting Scarface?? MJ must be doing something right!!!!!
We tease Mike TV but seeing him step on the court cold and start dropping 20 pt games make you realize how much home fans here always fall in crazy unrealistic love with the "plump little bag of squirming ambitions" that is our baby bench, the young and unproven. Whether its JaVale "Son of the WNBA" McGee or Andray Blatche the "Journeymanchild" or Oleksiy Pecherov, the fans fall in love with the kids like parents fall in love with their own dopey children: "Randell jackson is only 5 but her reads at a 7 year old level!" we say proudly. IF ONLY HE HAD MORE MINUTES!!!! Man you can find a Mike james on the damned RideOn any day of the week and he'll outscore any of those boys, but it doesnt matter. The home fans do this because they are facing terminal fan-death and are in the 7 stages of grief and they are stuck in stage 3: Anger and Bargaining. We hope that maybe we can scheme our way out of our fate by taking the 12 men and the 48 minutes and arranging them on the Wizards Insider comments board in different ways until we unlock the magic combination. We take the 48 minutes and we move em around furiously like so many toppings on a pizza, but my friends, its like William Faulkner said: "Clocks slay time.... time is dead as long as it is being clicked off by little wheels; only when the clock stops does time come to life" and at some point, when u r screaming for more minutes for Pecherov, you have to ask yourselves this question: "If you keep adding more pineapple to a 'Papa Johns Pizza with Pineapple', when does it become a 'Papa Johns Pineapple with Pizza'???"
Its a cautionary tale about the villagers of small hamlet called 'Cleveland' and a magic mule and greed and the savage burden of expectation and sudden fortune, and shows us all that even in timez of great despair, man can find comfort in the redemptive power of bacon.
A commenter says we make fun of Z-Ilgz dead kids and thats over line. Oh my Yes it is way way over the line. And we live on this side of the line and so we know!! But wizznutzz and especially intern Babyshambles is far far too simple to know that Mr Z and his wife actually had a real tragedy once in childbirth and our joke was only just to make fun of his creepy burrying-stuff-in-the-woods appearance - we swear on the knees of Llorenzo Williams and our regret is tru. Please take our aoplogy and send your monies to Mr Ilgauskas children chairities at The Cleveland Clinic
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Cleveland, Vous Ne Gagnerez Rien
At Wizznutzz HQ (well, at the Wizznutzz HQ auxiliary, since Darvin won't let me into the loading dock of the Circuit City at Wheaton Plaza anymore), we subscribe to the Washington Post both to have newsprint on which to cool cookies after they come out of the oven and to ensure that we are fully up to date on the latest doings of Washington sports teams. You know, because the paper has the word "Washington" in the name.
Imagine my horror when I picked up the "Outlook" section (there was a steak on the front of it) and found an article by some joker named Dan Chaon titled "Cleveland, Je T'Aime," propounding the unappreciated greatness of the Mistake by the Lake and hymning the emergence of the Queen and his royal retinue on the bright stage of the NBA Finals.
You read that right: The Washington Post, which supposedly serves a city that has a basketball team that has been eliminated from the playoffs two years in a row by the basketball team from Cleveland, today published an article extolling the basketball team from Cleveland.
I have often defended Washington's reputation as a sports town from those who would malign it by pointing out the fanatical devotion of Redskins fans, by citing the big crowds the Nationals drew before Stan Kasten implemented his "Operation: Suck Mightily" long-term plan, and especially by showing the many examples of the happy, fervent affection we feel for the Wizards. But the Post isn't doing D.C.'s reputation any favors by publishing this trash. What are we going to see next? "Theocracy, Je T'Aime" by Moqtada al-Sadr?
In proper blog style, I am going to quote especially red-meaty chunks of Chaon's article and then deride them mercilessly. Please also note that Chaon's latest book has a sales rank of 209,753 on Amazon.
I come into my younger son's room, where he is supposed to be studying for a test, and find him looking at Cavs center Zydrunas Ilgauskas's MySpace page instead. "Did you know," Paul says, "that Zydrunas has Michael Jordan in his top friends?"
Somehow this does not surprise me. After all, Salieri always welcomes a new project in breaking down young egos and sowing doubt and perversity. That he's using the Internet to extend his reach, like some common pedophile, is just more cause for concern.
Laugh if you like, but I'd venture that my quality of life here in Cleveland is much better than yours.
I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of the Cuyahoga River catching on fire. Could you repeat that one? Thanks.
If you're from Cleveland, you always have the vague sense that all the other cities are laughing at you.
If you only have a vague sense that we're all laughing at you, you're not paying enough attention.
Faced with national and international scorn, Clevelanders frequently harbor deep-seated fantasies of acclaim and honor. We can be unreasonably thrilled by even the vaguest contact with celebrity. (A teensy portion of "Spider-Man 3" filmed on downtown streets! Actress Julia Louis-Dreyfus spotted at a Cavs game!)
When I told my son Paul that I was writing an essay for The Washington Post, he narrowed his eyes. "Make sure you write in there somewhere that the Wizards suck," he said, vengefully.
Big Dan Chaon, putting his thoughts in his son's mouth. (Is that legal?) Let me just make one thing clear: This year, the Cavs beat the Wizards only because Gil and Tough Juice were injured. What do you think would have happened if a healthy Wizards team had faced the Cavs sans LeBron and Ilgauskas? Sweep, and Gil would have spend the last half of the fourth game breakdancing at center court and trying to steal G-Wiz's trampoline. So don't get a swelled head, "Dan Chaon's son."
"I'll tell you something," my friend Peggy says. "I don't think it's possible for Cleveland to win anything. Ever."
This is the only genuinely perceptive statement in the whole article.
Down the block from me, a church advertises its sermon: "How We Play the Game Really Does Matter!" And maybe that will be true. But then I see my son and his friends, avidly reading stats and comparing notes on players, all of them wearing that T-shirt with the Cav's Psalm-like motto: "Rise Up!" All of them waiting ardently, eagerly -- as if their hearts can never be broken.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Spurs in four. Everybody better go to church.
In case Cleveland fans get bored at halftime tonight, I recommend they watch this to buck up their spirits:
--posted by intern Rex Immensae Majestatis Chapman
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
We are the hollow men We are the stuffed men Leaning together Headpiece filled with straw. Alas! Our dried voices, when We whisper together Are quiet and meaningless As wind in dry grass Or rats' feet over broken glass In our dry cellar ....... Between the desire And the spasm Between the potency And the existence Between the essence And the descent Falls the Shadow...
This is the way the world ends Not with a bang but a whimper.
-The Hollow Men, T.S. Eliot
They sat together in the empty diner filled with cracked china Old news was blowing across the filthy floor and the sign on the door read "this way out", that's all it read that's all it said
-Abandoned Luncheonette, Hall & Oates
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Game One is in the books, which means its time for our traditional:
2007 WIZARDS PLAYOFF PREVIEW!!!!!
No sooner had LORD HAVISHAM dusted off the victory cake, than NBA ANALISTS handed the Wizards a frank diagnosis: ITS TERMINAL!
Team is told : "Youve got one week to live" Andray Blatche takes up smoking, maxes out Best Buy credit card, implores Susan OMalley: 'I dont want to die a virgin"
The team has all the momentum of a hippopotamus pregancy. They are like a dying tauntaun, we can just hope to climb into its warm carcass and wait out the endlessly bitter Hoth night!!! Even the SUpreme COurt starts trash talkin; : "no late-term abortions playing in my house!!".
Some people hold out hope!
They say: "The Wiz will play loose and confident because like dying folks the WIz have nothing to lose!"
Yes they do have something to lose! They have their lives to lose and they will be losing them much faster and with more hurting than most people! They have games to lose! 4 games! And also some of the players might lose their jobs.
What they SHOULD say is "Wiz have nothing to win!"
Its not about dying with dignity. In fact, the only thing we have left is the power of dying WITHOUT dignity. Wiz goal should be to die the least dignified death ever died. They need to lose these games so dreadfully, so painfully, and desperately, with moans and urine and loud cursing, so that Cleveland will turn their eyes away, and be filled with a deep guilt and species shame and be so sickened and horrified to see fellow ballers suffering so that it will snuff out all joy and competitive fire forever and cleveland will be forever stained and stumbling with the pointless, lost gait of a man who has seen another mans, and therefore all men's, ultimate ruin.
Playoff Bacon: Hi-Lites from a Salty April and May
THE 2K7 BREAKDOWN
DeShawn Stevenson is one of Washingtons better defenders. Which means he doesnt actually cry when he gives up an easy bucket. When he is on, he is a threat to score from anywhere on the court. Known for his signature call : "I Cant Feel My Face!" which has proven much more popular with the fans that Jahidi White's old motto "I Can Feel Your Thighs But The Judge Says I Can't"
Antonio Daniels: With Agent Zero on the campaign trail, the team is counting on 'The Brown Hornet' to pick up the SWAG. Daniels attacks the rim with the reckless gusto and long odds of an elderly mans sperm!!
Larry Hughes: COld Mountain is something of a mystery. He plays both ends of the floor: paycheck-to-paycheck. Hes a cool as a shoplifter. He never sweats, but only because he has his NBA per diem stuffed down the front of his shorts
Sasha Pavlovic is a very popular meringue cake in the australian suburbs!
As we like 2 say: LeBron James is a nice face for the NBA, especially if the NBA is about to cry!
Lebron is many things: A Pirate Queen, a marketing host cell, an Applebees Objectivist, a scowling nail biter, Americas bloated spiritual corpse, a bull moose, a suburbo-corporate muse, a child monomanic, and above all, a bully.
He displays the dim posturing of someone who knows only their own strength. Like a comic book hero, the King James legend is paper thin and its ink has barely dried and rubs off on yo fingers.
Antwan Jamison is everyman's dream: the prettiest and easiest girl at the dance! And keep an eye on his playoff eyebrows!
Jarvis Hayes: with Caron and Gil sidelined, guys like COnstable Hayes have to step in and produce. Alas, as a subsititute Wizard, Hayes is as bonafide asHarry Potter and The Golden Turtle!!
Zydrunas Ilgauskas is a special player. You can hardly notice his prosthetic leg!
Drew Gooden is a fat mans Juwan Howard. He has been sporting a duck tail hairdo in honor of National Vagina Awarness Month.
Cleveland: Aka the Slow Twitch AllStars.
Eric SNow: still round, still choclately, still delcious!
Ira Newble: runs a brisk trade at his family's diamond district jewelry shop. Yet still wont sell Eric a ring!
Scott Pollard and Lady Vanderson: U think having a special hairstyle shows the world you are inconclastic that u have flair, and are unique free spirits. 5 WORDS for you: David Schwimmer watches 'The Apprentice'
DOnyell Marshall: the baritone baseliner. I like DOnyell, but the CGI effects are so obvious when u watch on hi-def. You can totally see the pixels.
DC: Cleveland bench is thin on bigs. Washingtons bench is big on thins! The DC bench is like the 5th child, the wonky accident baby, who was pretty much left to be raised by his older siblings. And the suddenly the parents are like, "Hey, whatsyourname? Can you drive a car yet?" Watching this second unit launch up shots is like a John Woo movie: a complex choregoraphy of missed shots recorded from every conceivable angle. Balls be bouncin off tha glass like a koked up kangaroo in a penthouse.
THE INTANGIBLES Wiz got this wrapped up. Sez Michael Ruffin:
"I dont worry too much about that. Im very tangible. SO was my dad. I come from a real long line of tangibles."
EXTRA CREDIT QUESTION:
On his blog, after announcing his presidential candidacy, Agent Zero dropped the following tease like he was jared jeffries tossing fresh chum into the anacostia river on his annual fishing trip:
Big Announcement And I got a big, big, big announcement to make in a couple days. A real big one. To me, it’s really that big. It might be Saturday or Sunday, it might be the first home game here in Washington. It’s big. It’s good, oh man.
Here’s a hint: there’s going to be four million of them. That’s the only hint I can give you.
4 million WHAT!!???????
Is Gil gonna hand out $40,000 worth of newly minted Black Presidential pennies? Did a crate of Nigerian election ballots fall of a truck? Has he scored some cheap Oxycontin at the police auction? Is he importing cane toads?? Is he going to offer ownership shares in the Lightening Jack remake ?????
Get on those comments a give us your predictions!!!
So awesome to be back at the Circuit City watching a fresh season eagerly and awkwardly unfold like Manute Bol emerging from a RideOn! I had forgotten they joys of Antwans mouse-in-gluetrap defense, and forgotten how fantastically large is Jarvis Hayes head! Him and Jonas must have been like Punch and Judy in hi skool!
But mostly I forgot how much I hate Cleveland!!! How I hate LeBron clapping mitts in a cloud of chalk like hes at the Gymkata auditions and the perfectly oblong choclaty goodness of eric snows milk dud head and the way Varajeos greasy dog hair tussles to and fro like the tips of a pine tree when you are trying to shake out the racoon eggs (they say racconns dont have eggs but thats why they are so valuiable!) and i forgot how greedy and streaky and scrappy Larry Hughes aka Cold Mountain's game is. He picks up his points cheap n easy like a kid snatching loose change off the street where it was scattered from the pockets of an old man who was just hit by a car.
And i forgot how much i hate the whole city of cleveland. SO you got LeBron james big deal hes only special because you have absolutely nothing else in your city to be proud of. I got a live wombat in my basement since last christmas but im not selling tickets for it. All you got is Queen james and a population of cashed-up box factory managers, and the worlds largest pair of stain resistant khakis and a RACIST rock and roll "hall of fame" that celebrates old cracker rockers that stole their beats strictly cold skool from the black man. Every damn year MC Brains comes up for eleigibility and gets no votes!!!! Do the right thing cleveland, dOnt make MC Brains the Buck O'Neil of rock and roll Hall of Fame!!!
And I love how there is talk of Cleveland making finals! HAHAHAHAHAH. thats like all the talk of Eddie Jordan's "PRinceton " offense. Theres no princeton offense how many years we wtell you that?! YOu show me one video of a backdoor play or a bounce pass in lane or a big man with an assist or a whiteguy and Ill show you a video of Jim Lynam killing a horse with his bare hands! (yes i KNOW there is one already on youtube but that horse was obviously drugged)
Free Darko also said "Gilbert is the cuddliest gunner who ever was, [and] is waiting for the game to catch up to his reasoning" but Free Darko fondles Agent Zero with frontrunning paws - WITNESS: Free Darko tried to purchase the domain name from us "steveblakeupskirt.edu" in 2002!!!
While we wait for Agent Zero to find his game under the cushions of his couch we work hard on WebTV to make...
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
OK so we havnt had much to say since Game 6 when damon jones reached up and pulled off our testicles.
For last week i stabbed a fork in my eye and left it in , this way people wouldnt ask mne "Why are you screaming on the bus?" they would see the fork and say ahh the fork! and go about their business. Also, my grandpa always taught me the lesson:
"If you dont have something nice to say, dont say anything at all"
but like LeBron james, my Grandpa was a nasty whore so i got testimony to give!!!
KING BAD TOUCH
SO as we know the series was a great fought campaign, and Agent Zero and the Queen dueled it out and everyone was being loved and there were smiles on the court, and then even thou he got bested in game 5, Zero even went into the Cavs soap stable to playfully tease LeBron and everyone was amazed by this maybe because ESPN doesnt program its robots to recognize "personality" , and then game 6 and its back and forth and back and forth and Zero calmy drills a 90-footer like an autistic assassin and the battle spills into OT and then Gilbert has two foul shots to seal the game and he misses the first but we know #2s a gimme, and Gils at the line in his special head place that he goes to when out of no where Queen james walks over and plops his mitt on Zeros chest.
WOAH DO MY EYES DECEIVE ME! FOUL SHOTS MOST FOUL!!!!!
I mean its one thing to try and get inside a players head but another to go to second base with him!! Now gils brain is akimbo not because hes psyched out but because hes never been touched like that before and hes blushing withy new feelings and good jesus he misses the shot!!!
Bill Walton yells "The Body is A Battleground!"" but that was 2 hours before tipoff and now no one says anything!!!!???
What did LeBron say to agent 0??? at the time all of us at circuit city had the agreement that, he was being a good sport, saying to Gil, bro you gotta make this shot, you aint going out like this, its been too good the game for this rubbish cause thats what tru warriors du ...
BUT THEN we hear in postgame press conf Lebron eagerly admits it, he jinxed GIL:
"you dont make this shot yall going home"
But i guess we are not suprised now at this becasue, like we said last week, the sorting hat put James in the house of Slytherin and hes a parseltongue and can understand the language of mules and for motivational reading lebron doesnt read "WHo Moved My Cheese" or "Sacred Hoops" or "Manute the Center of Two Worlds" like other athletes but he reads Ayn Rands "The Old Man and the SHoe". Maybe LeBron cant even help it hes just a robot with no mercy built by espn dark science, he is like from the movie "The Black Hole" the red killing machine MAXAMILLIAN who only has one command and gilbert is the loveable OLD B.O.B.and BOB never stands a chance, but we know the moral of the Black Hole is that Black Holes have no conscience and that they distort the fabric of space and time and when LeBron goes too the bench at the timeout he looks over and Ira Newble has aged backwards and is now a newborn baby trying to crawl out of a pile of gameworns.
AND THEN during the same timeout as he was walking to bench with look of disgust, LebRon grabs his throat and barks "FUCKING WIMP!" tru fact!
When i read this I felt bacon vomit in my throat rising up, i feel sickened, its like a species fear sick feeling, like when you see something horrible violent or the coldness and no mercy of natures darkest side, like Phil Chenier eating his young.
SO THERE ARE 3 QUESTIONS
Why is no one talking about this?
How can you cheer for lebron now? Its like cheering for tanks in the streets, its like cheering for Cancer cells : "DIVIDE BITCHES!!! D-I-V-I-D-E!" Bird and Magic and even Salieri had famous first playoff moments when they become men and lebrons defining moment: winning dirty, dropping vile eff bombs and passing up another game winner.
This for the world should have been LeBrons moment and it was,
it was his JOHN KREESE MOMENT.
What in the name of Teats OMalley is JOHN KREESE MOMENT u ask??
'John Kreese Moment' is named for John Kreese, he is the vietnam vet who ran the no mercy CObra Kai Dojo in The Karate Kid. He was the no mercy sensei who played dirty and dirtier to win at all costs "an enemy deserves no mercy!" and when Danielson can barely walk he does the Crane move on Johnny to win the match, and even johnny pays respect and give props to Daniel for what he deserved being a good adversary while John Kreese keeps yelling and wnats to keep fighting and casnt accept it, and he stands alone, despised and naked in his true colors, as even his BMX KFu gang walks away, embarrassed shaking their heads muttering: "Its Over"
Like espn should walk away from Lebron now, "its over". lebron deserves his John Kreese fate, which is to be reintroduced as a homeless man in Karate Kid part 3, a movie like LeBron that critics called "anti-climactic and flaccid to the point of being entirely vestigial"
Only 2 People talked about it:
1. MICKAEL WILBON I know! of all people. Our feelings r known on wilbon and this piece is typical Wilbon primitive subsistence sportswriting:
"SHIFTING PATCH CULTIVATION" sportswriting
like a indonesian farmer Wilbon overfarms cliches until he has exhausted the soil then moves on to the next cliche and over farms that. This time hes talking about "heart" again but at least he reported it!! maybe hes mad that LeBron turned down his MySpace invitation!!!
2. PETER VESCEY
Wizznutzz LOVE Peter Vescey. we love how surly he was on TNT before he got fired even tho he had just sprung for a new-money Long Island face lift, the kind you order off giant menu boards at the dermatologist fastfood style, Pete said "Gimme A Sag Harbor Special!!!". But we mostly love the way he molests language: hes like a Prog Rock sportswriter! hes like a blind guy playing Pole Position, its exhilirating just trying to see if hell make it around the next corner! There something about his writing thats plain off, like a midget, and then he throws in a weird ambitious verbal twist so his sentences are unnatrual AND make no sense, like a midget with a lisp!
If by writing u mean just recycling the press releases from Nike's "I Am A Witness" campaign:
When the shirt arrived it was like Christmas in May.
That's all it said.
Because that's what we all are.
...Just watch. Witness
Yes he really wrote that. You know we love SCOOP, cuz he mixes up terse minimalism with afro-maximalist aphorisms,
cause SCOOPS GOT MADLibs!
But with writing like this, i get the feeling in 1998 Scoop was the guy at your office who would spend lunch trying to retell in real time the jokes from last nights episode of "Homeboys In Outerspace" :
"And then Pippin says 'You wiggle them pointy ears at me one more time, and I'll beam you up where the sun don't shine! '. Haha, GET IT? Cause Pippin, hes the guy from the Star Trek show! 'Beam Me UP!!!" Classic!
Scoops not getting a ride in my space hoopty thats 4 sure
OK next question, DID LeBron put the WHAMMY ON GILBERT????
yes Of course he did the real question: is what kind of whammy?
Was it a jinx, or a hex, was it voodoo or hoodoo? was it a Ninja death touch? Did he suck out his soul? Did he do that thing like in the movies where he touches him and suddenly Gilbert sees the ways people will die flashing before his eyes: his pitbulls slumped off the back of a treadmill as it goes THWIPP THWIPP THWIPP round and round; his dad dressed in a blue linen Tubbs suit being gunned down by Miami SWAT team; Patrick Ewing choking on baked beans; good god Juan Dixon in his antispetic beach bubble being swept out to sea!
This would not be the first time washington has been cursed.
1. THE GYPSY CURSE
When NBA Players Association pushed through "MR DRUMMONDS BILL" to prohibit Abe POllins scouting technique of driving through the ghetto in his town car and "Adpoting" young black kids off the playground, Pollin goes to Romania and steals a romanian giant baby from a gypsy woman. (He also steals gypsy recipe for "executive Nachos" -- just replaced the cheez with honey and jalapenos with the horse meat and its the same)
The gypsy woman puts a curse on Abe POllin:
"Your Big Men will forever have bad knees!"
The curse was accidentally lifted in 2004 when Jahidi WHite happened to catch and eat a live chicken
2. BILLY OLIVER ENCHANTS HIS TOILET
3. BULLETS BRIEFLY THINK THEY ARE UNDER LEPRECHAUNS CURSE Then they just realize Jim Lynam is still living at the MCI center!!
4. ANCIENT CURSE OF THE ABORIGINEES When ANdrew Gaze hears that Rod Strickland had "pointed the bone" at some people during a Steve Miller COncert at Merriweather he confronts Rod and demands "Where did you learn the ancient curse of the Aborigine?!" But rod shrugs and says "What the hells a ABoriginie?????"
But LeBrons cursed hand is most likely 2 be:
THE MIDAS CURSE!!
Thats right think about it: Golden Child! Foolish King!
And there is a part of the Midas Curse that many people dont know about buit that is Tru fact: King Midas gets into a fight with Apollo about a flute and Apollo gives him the EARS OF A DONKEY!!!! and when he passes the reeds whistle out: "King Midas has ass's ears." I cant tell because i have a voice in my head thats been saying that same phrase since the Frog Fired The Prince!?!!!!
SO WHOSE TO BLAME????
I saw WE R all 2 Blame cuz we created this monster! Well WE didnt, we created the CHEESEBOOT(tm) , because we are artists not saleswhores.
But ameirca made the cash moose, made him angry and bitter and oneminded . this isnt what tru warior Malcolm meants by when he said "by any mean necessary" .
Its BeCause America FETISHIZES COmpettition, its all about the W except for a few brief sentimentally retarded Sunday at the Masters montages and halftime trubutes to paralyzed linebackers . America is all little stout fat schopenauer babies, waddling about in stain resistant pants saying "Money is Happiness!"
LeBron james is what happens from the Me Decade of 1980. and oh yeah also the Me Decade of 1990 and Me Decade 2000. he is what happens from NBA crony cpitalism. Like Marx warned: Lebron is no revolutionary because the revolutionaries get coopted by the ruling elite. ANd like Mark Price warned: LeBron is what happens when David Stern announces "Rape is Natural" at Read To Achieve seminars! Thats why Queen james is royal and why he is a single celled organism in a primordal soup of narcisssism. why should he eveolve? america doesnt want to evolve, america want to listen to Eagles Greatest Hits over and over and over until the end of days and Lebron is AMERICAS BIG SPIRITUAL CORPSE
but GILBERT ARENAS is an artist not a salesman, he is a player and not a politician. Gilbert is like a SPartist. In ancient SParta they had no currency or capital and eveyone sat about and had tons of free time and no jobs and almost everyone was a musician --like Takoma Park but more showering!
Agent Zero cannot be destoryed because Agent Zero plays to exist.
He isnt governed by dollar saign but by the sign of SUNYATA, the LAW OF NOTHINGNESS:
"It represents a perfect circle, perfection, that is, within the limitations of the always imperfect material world. It conveys the sense of some-thing emanating from no-thing-ness. It represents the vagina, the gateway of birth into manifestation, and also the first moment of the creation of the universe, the big bang, when every thing emerged from the unformed vacuum point."
It took me 5 beers to see the VAgina but when you do you cant shake it, its like the Magic Eye Puzzle!!!
And now thiss incite, like the season will just stop like that.
And we have the best commenters in town, like our good mate 'anonymous' who has the last word on those damn WITNESS commercials:
"the only thing I can figure that we are a "witenss" to from that commercial is the destruction of american manufacturing leaving a giant hole in the center of america that we fill up by eating agribusiness's carcinegenic biproducts, rolling through the streets looking for meth, watching coal fires burn on the horizon, and of course cheering the chosen one throw down a bunch of dunks while what appears to be outtakes from sokurov's days of eclipse float by in the rearview mirror. "
While Agent Zero has been getting ready for game 6 and fulfilling Barbara Harrisons forbidden fantasies, Wizznutzz r super conident 4 win tonite. Its been a great series and though we make fun of Queen james alot hes a fine player and done for city of Cleveland what 300 years of white men couldnt do! Like we said on Deadspin: King james is a nice face for the NBA, especially if the NBA is about to cry. He is better face for NBA than Zildrunas Ilgouskas. When ever i see Zildrunass Ilgauskas face I dont think NBA i think "small children just buried in the woods"
QueenJamez has says he can carry his team on his back and also carry dreams of TV executives and emasculated suburban dads and pockmarked limo drivers, he carries the weight of the world like Atlas, but Queen james lemme say that Ayn Rand wrote a book called "GREED FOR DUMMIES" and it had the motto:
Atlas shrugged, Atlas didnt didnt cry and he didnt plead and no way did he skip around like Nancy Drew in a pastry fight And LeBron shoulkd know this cause in his first week in NBA one morning someone slipped a copy of "Atlas Shrugged" under his door. It was anonymous who gave it, but there were some clues: in the margins of most pages was written "is it in YOU?" and the book smelled like cigars and adultery and a page was bent over and when lebron opened to that page written in big childish marker and circled was the words:
"SHOES = CASH!!!!"
But i hope lebron read the book though, because then he would also know the quote:
"We want them to be broken. You'd better get it straight that it's not a bunch of boy scouts you're up against... We're after power and we mean it... There's no way to rule innocent men."
I dont know what that means but it has something to with why Wes Unseld isnt allowed to ride in school busses.
But I DO KNOW that Ayn Rand knocked boots with OBJECTIVISTS. she wasnt a a classical rationalist (like Descartes, or Guggliotta) and she wasnt like the classical empiricists led by Patrick Ewing and the Vienna Circle who formulated the verifiability principle:
"I may think think about baked beans and they may exist, but if theres baked beans in my morning sheets then i was eating in my sleep again."
Instead Ayn Rand was a straight cash homey ALPHA BETTY who thought production was heroism. like JUST DO IT.
Lebron u may ask: "Is that mean I just gotta bring my A game"? Hell I can do that" but beware because there is a MAJOR flaw in this beliefs:
Objectivism, like 'Naked Detective', is a young mans game, when you get old and slow and cant produce, (like Billy Joel crashing his renault into the sand-- hitting rock bottom in the Hamptons takes FOREVER!!!) then suddnely Atlas Shrugged turns into - poof - "the Old Man And The SHoe", and laissez-faire capitalism becomes MALAISSEZ-faire and no funeral is more bitter and unattended than the death of a BRAND!!!!!!!!
Its like you ask sherpas about a trail MULE, they will tell you : :"you have to walk the mule. always walk the mule. the mule cannot bear to stop walking because it is crazy if it stands still. Its bites off its own fur and does mad behaviour like trying to attack cougars"
DR CHESNUTT from Celtics DOOM blog has gone Cold Mountain and chased the money to wizznutzz.com !!!!!!!! we offered him MAX INTERN DEAL: (10% off day-old meats, exclusive use of Ledell Eakles) but unlike Lobster Roll hes already paying off: such as coining new Agent Zero name:
Two hot "Queen James" dubplates straight from two AWESOME superfanz!!!! These two bangers WILL BLOW UP THE INTERNETS!! Al Gore was seen adding more wires to the WWW2 just to compensate!!! Right click on links below to download:
"Queen James" (John Surma's Milk Dud Remix) (A Eminem D12 hyphy trip!!!! Listen to our flow!! Liste4n for awesome subtle sound effects punctuating punchlines -- that's some Dre level sh*t!!! JJ Surma, you are a CHAMPION!!! More!!!)
JJ Surma & K Ferg will be spending a week inside the MOTHERING HUT with Ken the Intern and Ledell the Eackles courtesy of Manouche's Half-Smoke Stand outside the Tower Records in D.C. !!! There's still time to do your own remix!!! Right click here to download "Queen James" a capella and fire up the soft synths!!!
Dear MCI Verizon Center: YES, you have our permission to play these bangers TONIGHT to fire up the Black President and his Cabinet!!!
"Hi, I'm Queen James. If you call me for a foul, I will scowl and pout and look all gassy and act like you've just called my mom a felon. Really, though, I'm perfect. In fact, when I take a dump it comes out wrapped in a giftbox and smelling of lavender."
Wiz lose in a sickening groaner not seen since Ken the Intern left open the bathroom door after a long night spent on "Fajita Coast." Antawn let Queenie drive past him like he was the saloon door in a whorehouse WHICH HE IS. "Hi, I'm Antawn. My favorite band is Trapdoor Fucking Exit." Arrrgh, I hate when the SELF HATE comes out. I love you, 'TWAN!! I think there's a future for you as a greeter at Wal-Mart!!!!
BUT IT'S NOT OVER!!! Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no! Was it over when Wes Unseld traded Chris Webber for Mitch Richmond, Otis THorpe and a bag of expired half-smokes? HELL NO! Was it over when Manute Bol opened his restaurant on U St. and closed it soon after because of a lack of patronage due to his inability to sufficinetly rally D.C.'s African community to dine out regularly on Sudanese Executive Nachos? HELL No!!! HE BROUGHT PEACE TO SUDAN THROUGH ICE HOCKEY.
Was it over when Cold Mountain actually started to make his jumpers and when King Dud Eric Snow turned into a Salieri-like scoring machine and Queen James drove past two Wizards like they were road pylons and then nobody on the Wiz had the presence of mind to call a timeout, advance the ball to half court, and run a set play (INCITE!!) ? Yeah, pretty much. BUT WE GOT FRIDAY!!!
So between now & then, you SUPERFANZ gotta write the NEW "Bullets Fever"!!! Rally the team with an EXTREME PUTDOWN REMIX!!!! Here's the tres tres poignant a capella version of "Queen James," the song that blowing up the iNternets. First one who can time-stretch this bitch into a consistent time signature and add some bangin' beats gets a FREE TRIP TO THE MOTHERING HUT!!! Right click below to download: "Queen James" (a capella)
WizzNutzz audio podcast SONG #3 to celebrate WIN #2!!! This originally had Chuck Brown and his band backing up the WizzNutzz on Uncle Bram's radio show for some of that hot go-go shit we likes to fuck wit!!! But damn Ken only recored the WizzNutzz choir, leaving Chuck & his steaming beats somewhere in the dustbin of history. So we had to have the kid who works in Car Stereos at the Wheaton Circuit City do a quick remix. It's JUST ok, because the kid obvious don't have the go-go flow like we do!!! He seems to be coming from more of a "mass tragedy" angle.
Let me stress, these guys are REAL MATHMEN, they are not people we made up like "Ledell Eackles" and "Tyrone Nesby".
This is TRUE HARD SCIENCE, you cant argue with it, but i am sure they will on ESPN because ESPN is full of Young-Earth Creationists who believe that Adam and Eve and Dinosaurs and Hubie Brown all lived together on earth 6000 years ago.
Prof. Jeff Hakim (PhD) Department Chair American University Number Theory, Harmonic Analysis
In mathematics, if you have two numbers A and B and if A times B is zero then you say:
"A annihilates B."
So zero is the special number that has the property that it annihilates all other numbers.
In particular, 0 times 23 equals 0 so, in a mathematical sense, if you put zero together with any other number, the other number is annihilated, but zero survives.
Assoc. Prof. Michael Moses (PhD) George Washington University Logic, Recursive Model Theory, Computational Complexity
Surprisingly, given your otherwise impressive erudition, you show, by questioning the veracity of the mathematical statement '0 > 23', an unfortunately too common mathematical ignorance. The statement (that 0 is greater than 23) is a long established, if little known, fact, credited to the almost legendary early U.S. mathematical team of Bolyai 'Bud' Abbot and Lobachevsky 'Lou' Costello:
THEOREM: 0 > 23
Consider the product 16 x 4 (using 'long' multiplication):
Last nite wizz won and they won because they were hard ballin, they got phyzical, there was more corruption of the flesh than when David Cronenburg made 'Existenz', aka the Robert Pack Story!
The Space Eater started things off with the first hard foul of his career, that left him so shaky, he called travelling on himself and went to the lockerrom and vomited.
Another career first: Antwan diving for a ball like it was a bale of august tobacco
Then LeBron gors to the rack against Caron and Caron says UH UH ., Daft Punk isnt playing ion MY HOUSE and then claps his hands and mocks the king, TSK TSK TSK like he was Skippy The Kangaroo!
Jared Jeffires had busier hands than Maury Povich at the Interns Picnic!
Michael Ruffin hung up on the bough and turned it away. Even though he was scared he closed his eyes and says: I Have No grudge against you Mister Squirrel but there are no nuts for you in this nest please go about your business elsewhere and do not bother us here no more!
And Agent Zero came out ready to play, u knew he would cause B4 the game he gathered with trinaer Steve Stricker to do the mantra:
Steve: What are your legs? Zero: Talons. Yellow talons. Steve: What are they going to do? Zero: Hurl me down the court. Steve: How fast can you run? Zero: As fast as a chicken Steve: How fast are you going to run? Zero: As fast as a chicken. Steve: What Kind of CHicken? Zero: A chocolate chicken Steve: Then let's see you do it.
Best thing about it all, was did you see the looks on Lebrons teammates as the game slipped away as LeBron turned it over again and agin? That look was helpless look, look of impotence. Ive seen that look before!I thought, its the Bill Cartright look! Its the look of Will Perdue! Its the look of Nicodemus! Its the look you see when you r driving down the country road and you see a broken down school bus and all the kids are huddled on the shoulder staring at you blankly while the social studies teacher hopelessly looks under the hood, but you cant stop and pick them up, because you know you can only fit 4 kids, or 2 of the fat kids, and the fat kids will snoop through your ninja magazines and ask about the old cabbage with the hole in it, cause the fat ones ALWAYS ask questions.
Theres been alot of talk about Bearing Witness to the Savior LeBron but if last night didnt proove hes not jesus than we have proof:
1. As Gene SHue rightfully pointed oput, JESUS SAVES, but when Lebron saves, he saves it right to Gilbert Arenas
2. Jesus drove the money-changers from the temple so he would never share the backcourt with Larry Hughes
3. If LeBron was Jesus he would have cured PJ Ramos in game 1
4. The Magi never caried Sprite b/c they couldnt keep it cold and you couldnt afford to have hypoglycemic rebound in the desert plus it made the mules angry
5.Jesus could take a Hard FOUL. Mad Max made a whole highlight reel of all the hard fouls JC took, it was called PAssion of The Christ!!!!
6. We all know God made the world in 7 Days, and on the 8th day, he relaxed at Jerry Stackhouses beach rental, and God told JStack that LeBron james was no son of his.
(Though Christian Laettner claimed later that he was there too and that it wasnt actually GOD but Shawn kemp, who thought he was god because he had cut his PCP with flameretardant felt and that he didnt acutally deny that James was his son but just said that he wasnt paying the child support.But can you trust Sister Christiian? yes hes religious man, but the religion is the Church of the Machosensual Sciences which belives in the KIEHL"S BIRTHING METHOD and thinks that Sadness should be cured not by anti-depressant medicines but by a rigorous grooming regimen, he even made a PSA about that one)
Cleveland has racist fanz.Im not talking about the guy who attacked Coach but there was a guy in the very front row last nite wearing a "VOTE FOR PEDRO" Tshirt! What do you think that SPANISH PEOPLE ARE FUNNY???? Sure they all have silly moustaches and have brains like small children but show some sportsmanship, dont HATE
In post game press conference Coach Jordan wondered allowed if his Billy Thomas substitution would be remembered as one of "greatest blunders in NBA History", his words not mine!
Coach worries about his job security way too much! This is coaching the wizards for godsake! Its not like its Pattie LaBelle trying to control her blood sugar! A sack of potatoes could keep this job! Wes Unseld STILL hasnt been fired!