We have been holed up in the Mothering Hut preparing for our keynote presentation "Animated GIFS: How To Build Your Geocities Empire One Magical Pixel at a Time" that we will deliver at the sure2Be randy and moist sports blogging convention Saturday night in New York City! Check TMZ for the awesome upskirt photos of Dan Shanoff tomorrow!
But while we were away we also got into bed with the mainstream media!!! (John Feinstein called out "Trajan" while he made love to us!)
First off you might have seen us on Washingtonpost.com correctly predicting the Wizards falling to five in the NBA draft where they will surely look to trade down for Ledell Eakles Jr!!
What an honor! even if they had to hire a ghost writer called 'James' to work with us , its still a huge honor to write for the great Lang WHitaker. Lang said times are tight in the magazine business. you can tell because the magazine has a 2-page ad for the new Steve Blake shoe. Tru Fact! So in these times they couldnt afford a professional like Tom Knott cuz he charges by the metaphor. SO we were thrilled to get the call!! You can read all the whole article below. You will recognize some old friends, like Al Jarreau and Tony Icarus. We dont like to think of this as recycling japes but rather as shout outs to our loyal readers!
Go out and buy the magazine! Yes I know our arch nemesis Salieri is on the cover but keep an eye out for super-limited edition japanese cover!
Thanks to Washingtonian Magazine for featuring us in their "Best In WHite People 09" Issue!!!!
Its a great honor!
ALmost as excitng as when they featured us as one of "Wheatons Eligible Bachelors" in 02! Sure it wasnt "most elegible" and there were only 9 of us : the called us "The Nine" - but eligibility was strict that year: no drugs or diseases, no wives, no gang members, no goths and no confused elerly people abandoned by their familaies at wheaton plaza.
And now we even forgive Washingtonian for rejecting our investigative piece we wrote on the health code violations at Michael Jordans Steakhouse which they said was "journalistically meritless" and "too malicious" for their subscribers and that "the aged meatstink of past-prime vanity" was not even a real health code violation!!!! And they said that the busboys wearing Air Jordans was also not a violation and was actually a "nice touch" in their words but they obviously stopped reading because otherwise they would have seen the part aboput how the busboys HAD to wear air jordans because they got PAID in air jordans, not money! If thats not a violation of something then I dont know what. These are men not strippers they shouldnt have to wear their pay! Plus they would have seen the part how we said that these busboys have families back home that rely on their sending money and you cant buy food or pay the bills or build a house out of air jordans but then we found one busboy whose mother DID built a house in Honduras from the air jordans he sent her: luckily they were velcro models (defective Retro Lows) and easy to stick together but still while u eat your 23JumpSteaks just think how you are around the world making the story of "the Little Old Woman who lived in a shoe" come to life from a fairy tale to tru fact but in the fairy tale the old lady "didnt know what to do" where as this old lady knew what to do: get sued for 2 million dollars for brand infringement by MJs company and then die of asbestos poisoning from the tainted shoe-house that her own loving son paid for with shoes that his own brothers made for criminally low pay at a Honduras sweatshop only half a mile from the dying old lady: globalization is scary folks, and its real, realer than scott skiles
To preview tonite's "must not win" showdown vs the Atlanta Hawks, the wizznutzz sat down with the OFFICIAL HAWKS WEBSITE to answer some questions!!!!
On Gilbert's Health... "There is much mystery surrounding his latest setback. There is even a rumor floating about that Gilbert has polio, and that the league has agreed to only film him from the waste up so that fans won't notice the unsightly metal braces on his legs. "
On Abe Pollin's Wallet... "The Wizards could have re-signed Mason, but owner Abe Pollin has made it clear he refuses to pay the luxury tax. If you ever had the displeasure of attending Bullets games at the old Capital Centre, then you know that Abe Pollin has waged a life-long war against "luxury". He is the only active owner who lives solely off of his NBA per diem."
On The Best Case Scenario for the Next Few Years... "Wizards land the #1 pick in the draft, we finally get healthy, a few of our young kids develop into reliable contributors, Barack Obama is hired to coach the team, and Sports Illustrated reports that Antawn Jamison lied about his age to get into college and is in fact only 25 years old. "
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Bullets Forever is a DC BeeBall Blog like ours except they have tite spelling, selfrespect, and watch basketball games!
Jake "The" Snake sat down with us the other day and asked some tough questions. It was most eggregious example of "Ambush Journalism" since time Barbara Walters confronted Randell Jackson about his treatment of Algerian refugees!
We dont know what is more satisfying, hearing TK saying the word "Brilliant" or saying the words "CheeseBoot"!!!! (ringtone coming soon!)
This means now that MoHut swag has been worn by stars of PArdon The Interruption AND Pardon The Weeping!!!
It is also the first time we have been on Tonys show since we put ANdy Pollin up for sale on eBay!!! The government of Bangladesh is still furious that their winning bid wasnt honored!!! Especially after they were so convinced by the testimonials:
"My Polley arrived last week, and it was ready to go, right out of the box. The instructional video was so helpful: I was riding my Polley in minutes!" ---J. Hutto, SIlver Spring, MD
"I liked my Polley so much, I bought one for every room in the house! The best thing is, now I don't have to fight with my wife and kids for control of the Polley! Thanks Andy Polley!" ---S. Daly, Ocean City, MD
"I purchased the optional Polley Pants and suddenly I'm the most popular lady at the home. Now every day I feel like the teenager I once was --- springtime in Rhodesia , a young woman , apprehensive with my budding sexuality, and yet nervously excited with it's promises! " --- R.S. Smutts
"My Polley is alert and likes to perform routine tasks. Andy Polley is so Right On!" ---George Kennedy
-Gaithersburg police autopsy proving former mascot Hoops' tragic 'Death by Cop' linked to pockets of toxic blue polyester in brain
Susan will be using her new free time to focus on her work as Motivational speaker and continue to teach corporate speaking at Learning Annex. Its most popular Learning Annex course ever taught by member of the washington Bullets.
More popular even than Doug Collins "Make Money The Cronie Way" or Kevin Duckworths "The 7 Laws Of Excess" or Gar Heard's "Bicycles!" or Micahel Ruffins ""The Amazing Power Of Self-Hypnosis"!!
Intern Jaarko has already put this new skill to work, weaving a smart nautical jacket out of baconrope to present to Finlands number one celebrity RENNY HARLIN when Renny came to visit Borga Segelsallskap Yeucht Clob where Jaarko works summers in the cabana as Herring Boy
Renny was flattered and looked xtra handsome in his meat tux!!!!. The ladies were more attracted to him than ever!!!! Unfortunately so were the wolverines!!! Doctors say Reny will get back use of most of his hands and that most scars will heal nicely though some pieces of bacon they couldnt remove and will now remain an intimate part of his biomatrix for all time and that he may develop a fear of delis!!!
4. Reggie Theus tabbed as new head coach of Sacramento Kings!!
Malouf Brothers were impressed by Theus' coaching on the TNBC sitcom "HANG TIME"
They were esp impressed by his performances during two hi-pressure "Very Special Episodes":
Ep. #23 - where Coach Fuller teaches Danny that dog fighting isnt just illegal, its also uncool Ep. #16 - where he becomes concerned with Teddy's obsession with strip clubs and shows him how to "Make it rain with self-respect".
5. We are visiting our friends at WAYWARD O website, its about Orioles aka "Angelos vs The People Of Baltimore".
Agent Steinz wonders what connection to wizznutzz is.. isnt it obvious?? Tite grammar and losing! We have nostalgic envy for Wayward O. COmpared to Wiz, Orioles are so early in the cycle of defeat. They havent even changed their name and traded Tejada for Ike Austin yet!!
6. WE HAVE NEW ADVERTISERS!!!
We welcome two advertisers to the wizznutzz family.
They gave us money to be mentioned on the site! Usually we are given money by people NOT to be mentioned on site!
At RAZORGATOR you can buy tickets to all sorts of sports events. Its amazing! A guy there even sold me 4 front row tockets to a 1982 Bullets-Hawks game!!!! And threw in free Cap Center parking!!!
At BETUS.COM you can place all kinds of bets on all kinds of stuff.
Cool prop bets like:
- $22,000, 000 : Over/Under : Opening day gross in Mexicso for Chico DeBarge film The Queen Of Media
- 12 : Over/Under : Number of times during upcoming charity 2-ball event between Gilbert Arenas/Abe Pollin and Kobe Bryant/Jerry Buss that someone trash talks the phrase "Quality Shits"
We LOVE ADVERTISERS! If you are interested in advertising with us you will force your product down peoples throats like it was Capris sun and vodka!!!!
Our german website makers have given us important advetising profile information.
They say wizznutzz.com readerz are part of lucrative demographic.
Our average reader:
- Is a 14 or 83 year old man - Lives alone - Has a Credit history suggesting wreckless spending - Is employed by a nursing home that is the subject of an investigation by a TV News Magazine - Describes self as "Angry" , "Hungry" - Spends 60 hours a week online - Lists "Pictures of Naked Fat Men" as main reason they use consumer technology - Has elevated blood Nitrite levels - Is willing to try dangerous products
Plus if you advertise on wizznbutzz.com you get the following corporate benfits:
- Our intern Dana will have your logo tattooed on her lower back - You get to appoint the next Mayor Pro Tem of Saginaw, Michigan - U get Naming Rights to the Mothering Hut!!!!
Agent STeinz is very kind to us today but we always say we r nothing if not for him!!! Steinz can do it all!! He is Bo Jackson of online sports media!! ANd the Len Sakata of cable TV!!! This year he provided more meats than Rod Strickland wedding registry!!
We have special Directors Cut of Jaarkos Big Day Out aka "INTO THE GLOAMING 2"
We take Bog TV, add some music and a naked picture of Steve Guttenberg and is suddenly 10 minutes long!!!
Viewer Note: Late in movie you see a white piece of paper that is hard to read. It is in fact a real card with the following words printed on it:
"You are being issued a warning that the comments, gestures, and/or behaviors that you have directed at players, coaches, game officials and/or other spectators constitute excessive verbal abuse and are in violation of the NBA Fan Code of Conduct. This is the first and only warning that you will receive. If, after receiving this warning, you verbally abuse any player, coach, game official or spectator, you will be immediately ejected from the arena without refund."
This card was in tru fact given to wizznutzz Honorary Intern Unsilent Majority by NBA referee Steve Javie for screaming "MILK DUD!" insults at Eric SNow during Game 3.
Unsilent Majority is now "INTERN FOR LIFE".
There are only 2 ways to be intern for life: One is to get code of conduct warning from NBA referees.
The other is to get pregnant with Kwame Browns baby so we can form "Knights of The Temple": wizznutzz secret army in Temple Hills Circuit CIty who sworn to protect manchilds sacred bloodline.
We gave Unsilent keys to the Mothering Hut to use for the summer. We were going to sublet it to this artist (Warning: extremely unsafe for work unless u work as a moile)
but UM u deserve it all!!
SO ENJOY JAARKOS BIG DAY OUT!!! Please Nobody tell Jaarko that we lost Game 3! Also dont tell hoim we lost game 4 and dont tell him about Borat stealing his japes!!!! Jaarko has been drinkling fermented urine when borat was not even born. If u been in the Mothering Hut then you know it is true!!!
-ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT FOILED! SOmeone tampered with Gilberts Bidet!! Luckily Gil was clear of the blast and when he saw the flames, yelled "HIBACHI!", called security, and cooked them breakfast right over the deadly can!!
-Secret Service detail appointed to protect Awvee Storey!!! Do you know what the Secret Service code name is for Awvee??? Hop on the comments board and tell us!!!
-Claim by former college roomate that Gilbert "used cheat codes" dismissed as "politcally motivated"
-Arsenio Hall invites Gilbert to play the Saxaphone on his show!
-In a move to consolidate power, AGENT "00" aka Weng Weng is appointed head of the FBI. Opens "Un-American Activities" file on Mike Krzyzewski!
-Jerry Stackhouse books 8-day sleepover in Lincoln Bedroom!
-Black Presidents vow to balance budget by dissolving the military, replacing it with a spartan army of the countrys finest 300 soldiers!
- Gil takes 'Vagina Power' host Alexyss Tylor out for a $2.99 plate of shrimp at Long John Silvers, gets prayed up, offers her position of US Surgeon General!
When he asks her about how he can improve his defense, she advises:
"with a penis all up in your vagina, man you dont have no defenses!"
-August Strindberg scores book deal to write sequel to Fear And Loathing On the Campaign Trail, and a whole spin-off line of "Fear and Loathing" books, loads up Cadillac with hay, absynthe, ether and angst.
VOTE FOR THE BLACK PRESIDENTS!!
Stuff the ballot box next November! U know Gilbert will be!
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
MOTHERING HUT FASHIONS MAKE IT TO PRIME TIME!!!!
Its not as exciting as when cast of Dallas Reunion show all wore Pervis Ellison jerseys (We LUV u in retired mesh Char Tilt!!!) but still big news!!!
If you have been living under under a rock, then you have definitely seen "BLOG SHOW", starring Jamie Mottram of 'Cold Pizza' and Dan Steinberg of 'Hot Pocket'!!!
Its is part of Comcasts Washington Posts LIve brought to u by the Professionals Professional, Russ Thaler ladies and gentleman, who boasts 3 certifcates of completion from The Chad Bixby School of Cable Broadcastng!!!!!
AT first I thought it was a weird IDea:
like Charlie Mingus famously said,
"hosting a TV show about blogging is like LM(F)AO about Architecture"!!!!!
But "Blog TV" is more infectious than the SARS Express!!!! WE love the bell! "Everytime a Bell rings a blogger gets undressed in the dark!"
BUT EVEN THIS FINE NEWZ CAN NOT LIFT THE MOODS OF WIZZNUTZZ INTERN AUGUST STRINDBERG (1849 - 1912)!!!!
Straight Outta Norra Begravningsplatsen!!!
My overcoat cannot contain soilage of this volume; the sludge of disappointment, regret, and my own man-waste bubbles upwards, frothing about my upturned collar. The shrieks of the succubus...--ah, why even continue?
I should have known. No juice is tuffer than the fresh-squeezed brine of inevitable defeat. And that is the brine in which we shall pickle for the next six months, until fruitless hope worms up its bare Ruffinian head once again next October. ...But until then we have two more weeks of futile spasming, like a still-beating heart torn from a disbelieving man-breast.
Brothers Ike, Duck, and Pervis, soon I shall rejoin ye in Hades.
Its a friend Jaarko here, your intern on assignment pensively from Finland! We are very happy here today for winter is breaking and my tundra fever is lift! Ministry of Mental Health has come around to all citizenry returning our belts and removing winter health aides of Sudoku, magic eye puzzle and biographies of Heather Thomas!!!
But the BEST NEWS for you I find today in the newspaper while I am working gutting spring Herring at Borga Segelsallskap Yeucht Clob.
Here is my tail:
SO in Finland there is a matriculation examination for High school children from all over country to take at the end of their schools. This is exam that is to find FInlands leaders of tomorrow!!!
It has important questions from studies: name all members of Council Of State, name all Muumintrolls in Moominvalley, tell us in 200 words about how Hanno Mottola invent game of basketball.... Those kind of questions all young Finns must know.
SO for this year in exam, in section for course called "View of Life" they have a question about history of arts and paintings and for the answer choices they show 3 pictures of 3 real painting.
Here is a picture from the actual real exam:
You will see that one of paintings is from Paco Picasso's famous painting "GUERNICA" about Spansih Civil War. OR IS IT??????????? Look again close my friends by download the exam page HERE!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For on the exam is in exact fact the also famous painting of Associations Civil War "AUBERNICA" made by wizznutzz years ago!!
Winess the madness, the horror, rasheed's bald patch!
One year ago today Ron Artest went Margot Kidder and ran into the stands like a Tru Warier and started killing innocent BASQUES forcing repercussions like David Stern addressing NBA's "Negro problem"
Witness the stunning details in SIoux 23s master work: The blu cup, the greiving nba logo, the severed forearm of Jim Grey!!!
Makers of exam look for the Guernica painting on Google Image search and make mistakes and AUbernica now most popular art in all Finland!
It was famous when mega blogger ANdrew SUllivan linked to it and deliver for wizznutzz tens of thousands of visits. We love Andrew Sullivan! Like Mikael Jordan say: "Gay Republicans buy shoes too!"
I am happiest intern of all, for my two worlds of finland and wizznutzz are now collected together tightly now, like the budgies Terrence Howard smuggle in his swim trunks for movie "PRIDE" i have such pride also!
Monday, February 19, 2007
We interupt this post for BReaking SCOOPS!
1. despised former wizznutzz intern and grandstander "James" goes on Bram Weinstein show last week. LISTEN HERE (MP3) for tired, recycled, japes and only fourth time the words "ANdray Blatches Unterus" ever spoken on espn radio!
3. Agent Steinz jumps the shark!!! Promises to hi lite bloggers on TV show "PTW" Pardon The Weeping! Wizznutzz send Steinz our pilot for "Dancing With the 98 Bullets Stars!" back to our regularly scheduled incites...
FOR THIS SPECIAL BLACK THANKSGIVING WEEKEND EDITION WIZZNUTZZ ARE BRINGING OUR GAYNESS UP ON YOU!
We were fully prepped for Black thanksgiving here at wizznutzz headquarters. The pom noisettes on the hibachi, the capri sun bladders were spiked, ken had his astronaut diaper on, and Strindberg was washing the blood off his hands after completing the festive Michael WIlbon Black Thanksgiving Centerpiece
Mike Wilbon himself headed west like a soul pilgrim with fellow "homies, playaz, slimmies, shorties, pimps, juicies and jeezys" for tha big party
He celebrates urban black culture even as he laments the death of black jazz, but the Billy Joel and Elton John CDs he picked up at the Disc SHop at Mazza Gallery help ease the pain.
Monday is Presidents Day but Sunday was Black Presidents Day, cuz Agent Zero's in town. Y'all done with your backlash? Gils he greatest thing to happen to DC since CAPTAIN 20!! For the occassion the NBA hired Cosby's Brown Hornet artist to make him a sweetly racial caricature for his blog
Blog HiLites! -Gil throws his "fishing pole" out at the ladies! -Gil has a breakoff with Shaq! -Gil gives his pops grief for wearing a leather Bucket Hat in the desert like he's Lawrence Fishburne of Arabia!
Meantime David Stern is hoping this weekends hoopla will make people forget about what everyone was talking about last week:
TIM HARDAWAY GOING BATTY ON DA BATTY BOYZ!!!
The most awesome week of awkward sports talk radio EVER! Gayness in sports talk is about as welcome as Joseph Gannascoli in Little Italy! Former jock sports analists were negotiating their way around gayness more gingerly than Hal Linden in a Battle of the Networks Stars obstacle course!!! When Colin Cowherd says "gay people are people too" he is like a diplomat smiling as he eats monkey brains in a Thai Palace so he wont offend his host. Jim Rome told his listeners he is straight and u can tell because of how carefully he grooms his goatee but wore a SILENCE=BACON shirt to show his support for repression and meat. Dan Patrick went 4 days without a nervous "I cant quit you" joke and Mike Golic suddenly got "salmonella" but after doctors told him u cant get it from gay chickens made a strong recovery.
What do wizznutzz think of all this??
Well when we were on BRAM WEINSTEIN show last week we told the world that we totally support John Ameche. We loved him in Cocoon!
Bram asked us if we ever "outed" anyone on the wizznutzz. Well we were there in the locker room when Wes Unseld came out of the closet but that wasnt a gay thing it was just Wes sleeping in a closet. When in came to outing folks, Jahidi White was a master. He outed poor stevie blake every tuesday and steve is straighter than an Andray Blatche tapeworm!
But Wizznutzz have always supported the turgid mandance. Dont forget we are first sports blog to come out and proclaim our Machosensuality!!! Yes, we subscribe to the vainglorious tenets of Christian Laettners Church Of The Divine Machosensual. (Its basically like Scientology but instead of aliens in your blood substitute Kiehls grooming products. )
In case men struggle together with one another, and the wife of the one has come near to deliver her husband out of the hand of the one striking him, and she has thrust out her hand and grabbed hold of him by his privates, you must then amputate her hand. Your eye must feel no sorrow.Deuteronomy 25:11-12
God made man in his image but we thought his image was a little shabby so man created Products to hold and shape. Blessed are the Groomers!!!
Hear hear SIster CHirstian!
The machosensual man has the best of both worlds! He's not just straight, he's FABULOUSLY STRAIGHT!!!!
But NOT TIM Hardaway! Tim HARD HATES GAY PEOPLE!!!
Tim Is cold school straight up: He's a heterosexist obscurant and he's proud! If Tim had his way not even Charles Barkley be chasin Dick!
When Tim be taking his showers its like a big LGBT Fear Factor - dudes start coming out of the fog looking like Amanda Lepore!
T HARD sez dudes should be able to shower by themselves knowing they are real man thru and thru!!
T HARD sez Lockerroom is a commonwealth of vagina surfers only! Men should be able to strip down, soap up, and gear on their Dolce & Gabbana in queerless comfort.
T HARD sez NFL aint got no gayness!
NFL is for real men, like Kyle Orton!
T HARD sez MLB aint no Larry Clark movie!!
T HARD sez a real man likes boobs!
A real man likes rock and roll!
But D Stern didnt like this, after all hes just come to terms with blacks in the NBA and now this! So D Stern sez to T HARD, "What happens in Vegas, STAYS in Vegas! , except YOU T HARD"
Tim was devastated, mostly because it meant he had to cancel his All -Star Party:
"THE ANGRY BALLERS BALL"
All that preparation wasted! Party host Alan Cumming was all lined up, as was the Tim Hardaway roast MCed by Michael Musto. Party sponsor Crown Lager says 2000 lime shandies poured down a UNLV toilet! Thunder Downunder Las Vegas review tucks wasted downpayment into lycra Yfronts!
And Mothering Hut suddenly stuck with 300 Mens XXL special occasion Tshirts!
The HMS SWAG is taking on water faster than Kevin Duckworth's ankles! The boat is going to Davey Jones locker, which is just like Calvin Booths locker but with with no James Blunt poster and less crustaceans!
Wizznutzz are going down with the ship, playing Ballad of Manute Bol all tha way on our Didgeredoos. (Hey Why is my didgeredoo hairy???)
Agent Zero backlash in full effect! Quirky is out! Antawn can cure cancer! Gilbert vows to score 50 on his mouth! Wash Times announces Bambi DVD burning party!
HEY HATERS, hey what u want Tracey Murray back now???? Sure TMurray once guaranteed 9 and scored 50. and used to sleep in a Low-altitude tent (he had the stamina of an old Bangladeshi Madam!) but hes not coming back, he loves his job selling coronas on brighton beach. In Russian they have 10 words for 'Respect!'
Juan Dixon [this incite has been edited after complaint that wizznutzz made fun of JDixons parents who died of aids. R U CRAZY!!!??? We dont make japes bout dead Moms. We only make JDiz immune jokez cuz he dont like germz and carries his own toilet paper roll in the lockeroom. INCREASE THE PEACE!!! ] thrashed the Wiz and suddenyl the media is saying the seasons lost. As long as Andres "Dirty Bomb" Nocioni gets clocked in the nuts in round one, its a good season. Ive havnt seen such biting of the hand that feeds since Rod Strickland stole the tip jar from a humble Farragut North frank vender!
Today Wizards hold first players-only meeting, where Darius SOnglia explained to teammates how babies are made!!
-No Snub Left behind -FInally finish new Subway line for DOgs -COnfirm Tubbs as Minister for Homeland Security -Distribute "Peoples Hibachis" to every citizen -Collect ties of all world leaders -Pardon Gar Heard
Expect official MoHut campaign swag in the coming days!
Thanks for the props awesome Jamie Mottram aka MR IRRELEVANT, only blogger machosensual enuff for TV! For Agent Zero legend, if like we say, Wizznutzz are seed, and Agent Steinz is the penis, then mister irrelvant, you r the FLUFFER!
Why the hell is Agent Steinz so good to us? Is it because of the Intern application from the daughter of Leonard Downie, Jr. that suddenly found its way to the top of the pile? We cannot say! Only one things for sure, there will be an Agent Zero backlash at some point. Its just the way things are. But before that backlash will come a much more wicked and punishing wizznutzz backlash. And when it comes we all just pray Agent Steinz will be our Oscar Schindler!
"I need Jaarko Ruutu. I need D. Ham. I need Brenadan Haywood. That was the agreement. I must have them. They are on the list. Look at those tiny hands. How else do you expect I am to clean the inside of the munition casings?"
"Whoever came up with that is a genius," Arenas said of his superhero nickname, which first belonged to a comic book mutant but was assigned to Arenas by a blogger. "Whoever came up with that, thank you. I appreciate it."
YOU ARE SO VERY WELCOME GILBERT ARENAS! WE JUST WANT TO PLAY OUR SMALL PART IN THE TAKLEOVER. WE ARE LIKE MUSSOLINI'S DOGWALKERS!
2. I got an spam email yesterday and it said it was from someone whose name is "FONZ CHAPMAN"!!!
My thinking is, are we trying to sign this guy?? Go get him Grunz! Get him for the minimum. Combining Fonz and Rex Chapman into one extraordinary man, r u kidding me!!! Fonz Chapman = Instant Fan Favorite!!!
WE LOVE SCOOP. we love his pulp afro truisms, the pithy vers libre that he calls "ORIGINATIC" and we call "TERMINATOR X HAS BEEN PLAYING WITH HIS SON'S MADLIBS(tm) AGAIN"
We love the contradictions in his prose.
His drops copy that's taut yet loose, clipped yet ostentatious, its "Spartomaximalist!".
His body of work mirrors his body of flesh: Flyweight Frame, Heavyweight Attitude! He has an athletes mind and a poets body!
Sure some people complain about Scoop, they say he writes himself into the script more thatn Spike Lee, they say how his punchy profundities are one sentence deep, that his pieces plod along one sentence at a time and then turn around a come back over themselves, like a hopscotch game, they say that Scoop thinks he is a fresh voice, a flamboyant showman but then so do most guys you find wandering around the LA Bus Depot at 2am, and they complain that Scoop's big finale kicker lines are really just re-purposed marketing BL-AXIOMS he boosted from shoe company copywriters like this:
When the shirt arrived it was like Christmas in May. Witness That's all it said. Because that's what we all are. ...Just watch. Witness
and now this:
He tries to make you believe that it is about them, not him. That he's not the one to occupy the spotlight, that he's not in this moment of his alone.
They all are. The team. Together.
But you're not a fool, are you?
and they say, "Hey Scoop, I also had that Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy CD when i was in college. But I also wore Ocean Pacific courderoy sHorts in High School and even though, yes, i still wear the same shorts, I dont have JC Penny taking pictures of me in them for the latest catalog!"
Yes, thats all true, BUT at least Scoop is the only sportwriter at espn who you can be assured will never utter the word "PAGEANTRY" when talking about sports!!! and thats gotta count for something!
4. THE MARZIPAN MANCHILD
YAY SPORTS is running a fan fiction contest: you gotta answer the question
"Why Did Kwame Throw The Cake"????
well we cant do it in 500 words or less but we have been asking oursleves the same quesation!!
When the Manchild was sent in exile on his mule we hoped there would be rebirth in the City of Angels. But things dont always work out the way you hope. Like when the killer Jack Henry Abbott was a talented writer, and so Norman Mailer helped him get his book "In The Belly of the Beast" famous, and even helped spring him from jail cuz he was such a great writer, and then a feww weeks later Jack Henry Abbott killed dead a waiter and went right back to prison where he writes his violent sports blog "True Hoop"
People have big, brains of moist complexity, like Scoop calls "Onions" and John Thompson calls "Foreskin Thinking". People have needs and desires and fears they dont even see and they do what they have to do to be at peace. Like how Eddie Murphy can only be comfortable in his own skin if he dresses up in the skin of an elaborate fat suit to play an older physcially aggressive woman who then harrasses his other self in a sexually inappropriate way.
So we try to get to the core of all this using psychoanalism.
(Side note, Kwame and the Cake ranks #2 in wizznutzz all-time list of greatest DC basketball off-court Food and Beverage incidents. The top 6:
but why is the same happening now with manchildren?? Some ideaz:
ONE Maybe Kwame was trying to impress Ronnie Turiaf?? WHo wouldnt!? But kwame, just take him ice skating! buy him frozen hot cocao at Serendipity. Or Make him an impressive mix tape of Martinique Zouk music!!
TWO Kwame was suffering from HYPO GLYCEMIC REBOUND aka sugar rage aka "Lynam's Disease". I know kwame doesnt get many rebounds but there is proof that food = pain and with Coach jackson force feeding the manchild Butterfingers and shame... well more on that later
THREE Kwame was just raised wrong. We know that's not the reason!!!!! Cuz Kwames Auntie, Altamese Allen and cousin Sissy Bell made sure he always behaved himself like a classy professional at all times!!!
They led by example!
FOUR This is "POST 9/11 KWAME". Nervous and jaded and panicky. We will never be the same and its true for kwame also. He is safe in the warm LA night but in his mind he is always in an Israeli Sbarros, eyeing the guy in the corner who is wearing a heavy coat in mid-July.
FIVE Kwame was practicing physical comedy that he saw his hero Buster Keaton do on TV. Everyone loves a food fight! is what kwame was thinking. He lives in a grand silent picture! No wonder the coaches cant get through to him and he prefers to communicate with mascots because of their expert and hilarious mimez!
SIX Kwame took learnings to heart of the Robert McKee's Screenwriting Seminars he attends in offseason, and hoped a spontaneously thrown cake would be a DEUS EX MACHINA that would neatly and improbably resolve the messy story of his young life.
SEVEN Kwame suffers from serious BODY DYSMORPHIA Like many anorexic young "popsicle"-head young celebs: Nicole Richie, Laura Flynn Boyle, Richard Hamilton... kwame has falled victim to the STARVE WARS.
he is Strong and Machosensual but when he looks in the mirror he sees something Wrong and 'Nachosensual', something HORRIBLY DIFFERENT:
Like we say, SILENCE=BACON, the body is a battleground not a postmodern playground!! It's a crucible of punishment. "CAKE IS THE ENEMY OF MY THIGHS!!" yells Kwame, like the Cartoon CATHY except that Cathy also had a bad case of middle-class post-lib sexfear and was first ever comic strip character whose vagina committed suicide.
EIGHT Kwame saw the cake as a tempting material manifestation of himself and sought to destroy it so that he may rise again from the scattered crumbs.
Kwame is like a cake in so many ways: soft, indulgent, flaky, sweet, and very bad for you. Plus if you overheat him, he will collapse like a delicate souffle!!
NINE Kwame saw the cake as an evil embodiment of ABUSE!!!!
Kwame left the abusive upbringing of Salieri and Coach Collins aka The Phantom and thought maybe under Phil Jackson it will be different? Phil jackson is a Buddhist he says. well lets have a look at some of his Buddist teachings:
KOAN # 83
Hyakujo, the Chinese Zen master, used to labor with his pupils even at the age of eighty, trimming the gardens, cleaning the grounds, and pruning the trees.
The pupils felt sorry to see the old teacher working so hard, but they knew he would not listen to their advice to stop, so they hid away his tools.
That day the master did not eat. The next day he did not eat, nor the next. "He may be angry because we have hidden his tools," the pupils surmised. "We had better put them back."
The day they did, the teacher worked and ate the same as before. In the evening he instructed them: "No work, no food."
Hmm interesting. biut not as interesting as:
Zen is like a Butterfinger(tm) pointing at the Moon; once you've seen the Moon, there is no longer any need for the Butterfinger(tm) .
COach Jackson, mandals do not the Maharishi make!
As we say , the 'Tao of Salieri' does not contain enlightenment. It only contains the words "I EAT OATS".
The three evil chefs, Jordan, Collins, jackson have baked Kwame into a big heavy cake of expectations and in his dream he dreams that he breaks out of the doughy cake and plunges, psycholoigically naked, into a giant bowl of milk sceaming
To celebrate we have teamed up with legendary Media Assassin AGENT STEINZ of DC SPorts Bog to present first ever totally unsanctioned contest:
Thats right! If you could ask Agent Zero any question at all, what would it be? Answer as many times as you want on the comments board below.
The best questions will be sent to Agent Steinz and he will select one to ask AGENT ZERO himself next time they are together in the Grunfelds steam room!!!
There is no interview in the world as great as an Agent Steinz/Agent Zero interview. Not even when James Lipton posed the Pivot Questionaiire to Margot Kidder was that as good! (JL: 'What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?' MK: 'Probably Red Angel Of Scissors. Or Architect.')
And now you can be what we all dream of: the salty moomintroll talking directly into Stienz's brain!!
Just imagine how u can go down 4ever in Gilbertology lore by teasing the newest nugget out of the phenomenal swag matrix that is Gilberts brain!!!
***Agent Steinz cant guarantee "ask Gilbert contest" so if there is problems we just rename this historic contest:
"ASK JAMES LANG CONTEST! (REALLY ASK HIM AS MANY QUESTIONS AS YOU WANT. ASK HIM TO MAKE YOU BREAKFAST.)"
And to get your Woodward and Bernstein Bear Chaser juices flowing, why not slip into one of our popular AGENT ZERO TSHIRTS at the Mothering hut!. They are now available in new colors including Blingtastic Glitter Inks and also supercool Metallic inks. We love the metallic silver one! The pictures in the store dont do it justice. Imagine a shirt made of shiny sardine skins stapled on to fine bacon resistant cotton... aka THE Romanian IRON-ON!! Free shipping!!! Many more mothering hut fashions to come in the next few days. Hey, Republicans buy bacon too!!!
YEs we know james once, like absantee father, all promises. he says he founds wizznutzz just because he had his brothers Colecovision and played summerball with a droll spotshooter called August Strindberg and yes he gave us "seed money" and I know Jaarko blew it it on "Magic Bacon Seeds" but that dont mean that the "summer" of our internship is an Endless Summer. I know you helped Ken Beatrice at customs when he had human leg bone in his fanny pack but lemme say that 2 pair of Harvey Grant Gameworns in a a manilla prison envelope is not a 401K plan! I asked FInancial!
Sure u posted inspirational Cristopher Cross Lyrics: "The canvas can do miracles Just you wait and see" on door to the Mothering Hut but insirpation dont clear up blood everymorning
You have no beard. and You have no incites.
"This has been a thrill, a total blast." "That blew us away"
You call those Incxites? Those arent incites! I overhear better incites ordering hot chips on Ocean city boardwalk. You steal our incites. You go on radio with Bram Weinstein bribing him with sex aids, you steal "Virgin Petes Prayer Jerky" from us and now its #1 religious lunchable in dominican republic!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The only reason you even started the wizznutzz web was for Tax Haven, so you can deduct Schedule F for Agricultural Business. I saw the forms, you itemized Dana as "Nonviable Livestock"!!!
Maybe we fold up wizznutzz better than be MULES. Maybe you would rather not here the words we write on site, but hear instead words:
"My Name is AUgust Strindberg and Im a CVS Pharmacist"