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Friday, May 02, 2008
The image is a pant, a breath, but it is an expiring breath, on its way to extinction. The image is that which extinguishes itself, consumes itself: a fall.
-Buzz Bissinger
Ain't no way against me you can get juice
-Vanilla Ice
DONT CALL IT A COMEBACK!!!!!!!!!!!
Jesus Bron Bron, u call yourself KING, you aint even BILLIE JEAN KING!!!!
because Billie Jean didnt cry when she was beaten by a backhand!!!!
SAY oops up side yo head, say oops uposide yo head somebody say obala!!!
When Tuff Juice put tha soul in tha hole destiny turned on the radio and tuned it to Stephen Malkmus who was closing out his set at Wow Hall in Eugene Oregon and honored his playoff promise when he yelled 'FREE PAPA JOHNS FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!' and now the STICKS and STONES SERIES comes on home, Baby C'Mon!!!!!
The Wizards had to get back to playing basketball so Captain Antawn called a players only meeting after game 4 and sat his teammates down for two hours and read them Shel Silverstein books. And when he was done the team emerged as a real team again, ready for sharing. Nick Young emerged wearing a big cardboard box with a smiley face drawn on it but it turns out that had nothing to do with the Shel Silverstein stuff.
And it wasnt always pretty. Winning UGly isnt just the name of the Popeye Jones' Learning Annex Seminar, its our new playoff slogan. ArgeyBargey, limbs akimbo, turnovers, stray passes, t-ups, mutt technique. Man DeShawn's got an ugly shot! DeShawn doesnt shoot the three pointer so much as he squeezes it out!!!! But dont let those cleveland tears and tiaras fool u cuz this aint no beauty contest.
Game 5 answered some big questions, like do the Wiz still have fight in them?
and will they keep their poise?
and like wHo is the worst player in the NBA, Wally Szczerbiak or Anderson Verejao??
Sure ANDY VERAJINA is a bulbous spotfaced shirly temple turdface mofo but WALLY is as special kind of series-turning mess. Those oafy turnovers off the legs, the ball click-clacking off his tindersticks, his eyes cloudy with the powerless and resigned familiarity of old Bob Barker standing a lifetime infront of the giant prop Pachinko game on the Price is Right, thinking about the neutered as the big plastic chip goes click-clacking down to its $5 fate. Wally is so amazingly slow. If Lebron isnt even Billie King Wally isnt even Bobby Riggs.
How slow is Wally??
Wally is so slow he got a sponsorship deal from UGG Boots!
Wally is so slow he hangs round local special ed school looking to drag race the school bus!
Wally is so slow he warms up to Luther Vandross!
Wally is so slow that after games he gets treatment on his bedsores!
Wally is so slow at night he has dreams he's Tracy Murray!!!!!!!!!!!
SO after this stirring road win why is it all NBA Analists wanna talk about is how they hate Gilbert Arenas?
How team is better off without him? Taking cheap shots at a 3time allstar who took pills and shots just to hobble around for his boyz? Saying team dont need Zero cause they get role playrers involved more when hes not making gamewinners all nitelong. Whatever that means cuz if players standing around thats a coaches problem but even then that doublethink is like saying "hey kick Jack Tripper out of the Regal Beagle so they can develop the character of Larry".
Most outrageous of the haters is our old friend Mike WIlbon.
He penned some long penny dreadful thats all about some people called "doers" and how DC dont need Gil and Gil talked trash. Hold it Gil didnt talk trash he just was just candid bout wanting to get a shot at the Cavs but theres no personality beads on scorekeeper Mikes big abacus and even so you got a lot of nerve telling people to shhhh it. You aint the Librarian around here! You the towns biggest blowhard. Youre Star Jones pal. These days WIlbons bashing everyone, Gil, and Bloggers!!! grumping like a new money Mr. Wilson, being like hes Basketball Van Guardian, the judge, giving his Cosby sermons on black pride, throwing his phantom weight around, the King of All Leisure lectuiring folks on work ethic, more yappyyappy from the man only made in the lazy old George Michael mafia.
You think you have right to do all that talking
I GOT THE CONCH!
I GOT THE CONCH
I GOT THE CONCH
I GOT THE CONCH
All day long!! Well i hate to break it 2 u piggy but SUCKS TO YOUR CONCH!!!!!!!!! cuz we all got conchs these days!!!! You dont got the only voice now. The rules have changed and they changed because of a little magic thing called COLECOVISION and theres one in every basement and a thoiusand little conchs and a thousand voices on the internet cuz we all get to speak and do our thing, a magic land of freeness where a man can do whatever he can dream, like posting pictures of a nude Maury Chaykin or checking her ranking on the Montgomery COunty Sex Offender database, or where a former great playwriter from Sweden can redeem himself on the Chowhound message boards reviewing the menus of Florida area strip clubs.
Its the internet! Its an opensource frontier, its an apartment with the blinds left up, its a place of gatherers and the gathered, its a midget running through the big science lab letting out the monkeys.
You know who we'd be better off without? Michael WIlbon. Thats who!
Cuz these days you are less relevant in DC than an Arizona Big and Tall store. You smell like obsolesence and it smells bitter and musty like recalled Michael Jordan Incense!
Because Gilbert is the heart of soul of DC hoops.
Hes ANANSI!!! HES THE FOLK HERO!!! THE TRICKSTER!! THE KING OF STORIES!!!!
While u r nothing but a Cowitch
With Gilbert the Wizards are Gabe Kaplans CBS team on Battle of the Network Stars.
Sure the other networks might win more and Chachi can stick his obstacle course record on his tombstone but you play for NBC you play for Savalas, and he was a facist captain, who humiliated his plauyers and set curfews and made Linda Lavin have an abortion all just to win. And u play for ABC you play for Robert Conrad and u get great splits in the team relay but you have to listen to his anti-semitic rants at practice and cover up Dan Haggertys heroin problem.
But you play for Gabe Kaplan you know one thing for sure: win or lose you will have fun, you will wear short shorts and you will hear bad puns and you will remember why you fell in love with sports in the first place and you will shower with Penny Marshall!!!!
NOW ITS INTO THE MOTHERING HUT FOR GAME SIX!!!!
PRO'VERB WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT!
FANS CALL FOR WEEPOUT AT THE BUDDY BOOTH TONIGHTE!
FREE THE UNCIORN SLAYER!!!!Labels: Playoffs, Playoffs 2008
posted by wizznutzz
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Thursday, April 24, 2008
EVERYONES TALKING CRAZY ABOUT THE HARD FOULS!
NBA promises to crack down on "OUCHIES"!!!
The media is going crazy about HAYWOOD and LEBRON aka CRIMSON and CLOVER aka GOOD TOUCH and BAD TOUCH, acting like suddenly Brendan Todd is Sweeney Todd, somekind of crazed enforcer. CMon now LEBROn v Haywood is Rourke vs Schwimmer my friends we arent blind. IF BTH is ruffing you up, making ya cry "THEY TRYIN TO HURT ME DANNY!" then u know u soft. ALmost makes me wish we were back playing against ANDRES 'DIRTY WAR' NOCIONI. He might have been a filthy Argenitnia whore but at least he could take a kick in the Falklands.
This isnt hard ballin, this is a goddamned Pillow Fight we say!
We say its not physical enuff!!!!
U r playing for championshoips, not posing for a Ann Geddes calendar!
U want pain try 2 weeks in August in the Mothering Hut with Ken Beatrices night terrors and your forie in a cracked Greedo Pez dispenser !!!!
Verizon Center staff place playoff pillows in arenas seats:
We say Punks jump up get beat down!
We say go Cronenburg on they asses, corruption of tha flesh!
We say no more scared pawing at loose skin, cuz U aint no Dwayne Wade and they aint no Star Jones.
Cuz right now Queen james is having his way in the lane, like a bull in a vagina shop.
When he drives lane, its like the goddammed video for "OWner fo a Lonely Heart" by YES: a dude having seizures while a bunch of big eyed reptiles sit around and stare. Cuz Queen james is owning us right now, hes not even owning DeShawn hes just leasing him cuz he doesnt want to be responsible for the oil changes.
And what happened to tha TREACHOROUS THREE???
Twan and Tuff Juice gotta step up, cuz thats what leading men do. Theres a reason they called them books The Hardy Boys Mysteries and not 'The Mysterious Chet' cuz Chet was a role player and his role was to "breathe a sigh of relief" not solve crimez DW DIXon stlye. You dont Die and Get Rich Trying in this league, making your dollars donating at the Sigh bank! And yes Caron was hot at All Star but have we learned nothing from the tragedy of Tim Legler??!!!
And DeShawns not helping things with his talking. Doing the "Cant Feel My Face" gesture when we down 16, that was the most ill advised taunting since Darius the Third of Persia made tha "ARABIAN GOGGLES" gesture to Alexander the Great !!!
We gotta help ourselves right now because the Leagues sure as hell not gonna help us. You ever think with DC hoops like there is some one up above messing with us like they have a giant voodoo doll??
Well thats cuz iuts true, DAVid Sterns up there in his suite with a magic GAMESHARK punching in his special cheat codes, codes like: 23EATWHISSLE, INFINITESOFT, DCMADAMS, PUPLIST, LORENZOSOIL, UPPITYFINEZ, NOMASCOT....
Thats right 'NOMASCOT' cuz ever notice what the hell happened to NBA Mascots? D Stern trying to get rid of em is what. Name me 3 NBA mascots! No Gheorghe Muresan dont count! D Stern got it in for the mascotmen, cuz bottom line is money for D League now, and G Bush came up with his plan for stopping Global Warming and the whole plan is based on reducing global footprint of sportsmascots by 2012 and all other leagues have made changes, like reducing flame retardants, and now The PHilly Fanatic got silver rating for sustainability cuz they remade him out of recycled concession grease, wheat grass and animal hair and he uses his costume to store his own greywater waste which he recycles to power eco-nuetral t-shirt gun but no david stern doesnt want to pay short term cuz he just wants to line his pockets and seek revenge on Abe Pollin for the time back in camp when Abe and Yitzhak told teen counselor Rabbi Cassidy about the possum and the tube of ben gay he had stashed in his sleeping bag. Wiz in 3 M**Therf*kerz!!!!!!!!!!!!Labels: Playoffs, Playoffs 2008
posted by wizznutzz
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Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Straight Outta Norra Begravningsplatsen!!!
You think that was a crushing defeat?
Folly!
When a man has awoken in a steamy ditch and studied his ravaged reflection in a pool of his own vomit,and thought, "Hey, not bad" -- such a man is not crushed by mismatched point totals.
Nay, every one of us is born defeated, and crushingly so; our subsequent worldly failings are but reminders our our essential nature. And thus should be received with gratitude! Please sir may I have another!
It is some sign of arrogance for one to not feel one's face? DeShawn is merely staring bravely into the numbness of the human soul. I, for one, cannot feel anything above my gullet, below my thighs, or west of my pancreas -- and the region remaining is a hot mess of weeping sores and engorged pustules.
Mighty Lebron was frightened as he fell to earth, fearing injury? We at Wizznutzz have been falling for generations -- hitting rock bottom would be sweet relief. Lebron is but a bit player on the stage of this tragedy, a transient Rosencrantz amid a cast of thousands, of Rods and Gars and Gods.
It was said last Thursday, and shall be said again: Wizards in six!Labels: August Strindberg, Playoffs, Playoffs 2008
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Tuesday, April 22, 2008
NO INCITES TODAY.
We are not speaking to the media.
Also because last night we got ejected from our offices at Circuit City for "conduct unbecoming to the Company" (we were using the giant novelty EASY buttons in an innapproproate manner)
But while we R here, id like to say that one of best things about playoff basketball is all the new visitors we get coming to our site from great places like Cleveland and the joshy banter we get to mhave with these freindly ambassadors!!!
Like Cavs Fan and wayshower 'ROB'!!!
He celebrated last nights cleveland win by sending us this really on-point email!!!!
I think youll agree we have a future wizznutzz intern here!!!
I also think youll also agree the best part is the part about Michael Jordan!!!!
Heres Rob!!!
Wow, guess after tonight your whole "wizards in five prediction" blew up in your face like that can of gasoline that Deshawn Stevenson was apparently holding next to LeBron's fireplace...Maybe thats why he can't feel his face (the MOST RIDICULOUS self egrandizing gloss I've ever seen). And I thought I would comment on your Rap Battle NBA edition. After a cursory glace, and thats all it deserved was a cursory glance (if you didn't know, that means a passing glance)....Your blog is PATHETIC. I realy feel like your only talent is to call people names, question a mans sexuality, boast at the top of your lungs regailing yourself with your own supossed cleverness. I'm sorry but your team clearly is inferior, it's absolutely Pathetic that you have to question a man's sexuality (no smokestack left behind hahaha, really fucking witty, sooooooo clever). Clearly you have no other ammunition other than to go for the cheap shot, the cheap shot by the way that has no basis in reality, and constitutes a basic DEFAMATION OF CHARACTER (HE has a wife). And try and tear down a man that you are clearly jealous of. Did you cheer for Micheal Jordan when HE played for your team????? Because I'm pretty sure HE is the greatest shoe salesmen, and advertising guru, I mean he's almost as responsible as Phil Knight is for what Nike is today. But yet, you're going to call him a copycat who knows nothing but the value of shoes=cash. Come on if you had any talent at all maybe someone would come and offer you some sort of endorsement deal (I know far fetched isn't it) and PLEASE don't fancy yourself a columnist, because you have a shitty blog that I was all too unfortunate to come across. If you care to comment on your team fine, if you want to actually analyze the two teams and ther redeming qualities and deficiencies then thats fine too. But try and refrain from acting like some pechulant little child who just got kicked in the nuts by the biggest bully in school, because you're right LeBron is a bully, the kind that is just better than you. Aparantly you just can't accept that your team is inferior, and have to resort to childish blast about the cavs, if that helps you sleep at night, then fine, but I know that I'll be sleeping even better on a nice 30 point win pillow. Labels: Playoffs, Playoffs 2008
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Friday, April 18, 2008
 WIZARDS CAVALIERS PLAYOFF PREVIEW!!!!
BATTLE OF THE BANDS EDITION!!!!
The 2007 Numbers:Series record: 2-2
Off. Rank: DC(14) CLE.(24)
Def. Rank: DC(12) CLE. (8)
2007 Population Change: DC(+7000) CLE (-13,000)The Words:He said:
"He's overrated. And you can say I said that."
She said:
"With DeShawn Stevenson it is kind of funny. It's almost like Jay-Z saying something bad about Soulja Boy."
He said:
"I'm your 100th problem
I'm like Tyson icin' I'm a Soulja at war
I'm makin' sure you don't try to battle me no more"
She said:
"Save ya back talk for the chiropractor"Round Three Begins tomorrow and Wizznutzz breakdown the complete position battles, baller vs baller, MUSIC ARTIST vs MUSIC ARTIST, to show u Cavs are less Ohio Players and more Bruce Whoresby and The Range!!!!
CLick on tha artists names for so awesome videos!
THE BENCH:
Damon Jones vs. Dominic McGuire & Nick Young
MC BRAINS vs. KID n PLAYWhy MC Brains:Both irritating, juvenile. Both have oversized egos. Both ride the coat tails of others (LeBron, DeVoe). Both sport peach fuzz. Both popular with Trapper Keeper crowd. Why Kid n Play:Joyful, lovable, irrepressible, fashion-challenged hams. . . . . . . . . . Anderson Varejao vs. Oleksiy Pecherov
SWING OUT SISTER vs. FALL OUT BOYWhy Swing Out Sister:Just please make it stop. Why Fall Out Boy:Emo titans. Big eyes, signature bangs, distressed graphic print shirts, radiation poisoning. Fallen out of rotation. "A Little Less Sixteen Candles, a Little More Touch Me" sounds like something Pechrov might say in broken English. Pecherov is extremely impressionable: could easily be talked into wearing eye-liner by teammates. . . . . . . . . .
Andray Blatche vs. Lance Alfred
HOT CHOCOLATE vs. VANILLA FUDGEWhy Hot Chocolate:Both have sex on the mind at all times. Both are popular at High School Proms. Why Vanilla Fudge:What songs did Vanilla Fudge do again? Exactly. . . . . . . . . . Wally Szczerbiak vs. Darius Songalia
ALAN THICKE vs. THE ALAN PARSONS PROJECTWhy Alan Thicke:Yes Wally has the cheesey neo-soul of Robin Thicke, but his dad Alan was a musician too (Composed themes to Diff'rent Strokes AND Hello Larry!) and Alan, like Wally, is older and even less talented. Both are foreigners but have a creepy all-American look. Both seem slightly drunk at all times. Why Alan Parsons Project:Orchestrations that are complex yet slow. Abstract. Foreign. Pasty. . . . . . . . . . Sasha Pavlovic vs. Antonio Daniels
WHEN IN ROME vs. BAD BRAINSWhy When In Rome:Represents the NBA New Wave. Sophisti-pop ballad "Promise" is the European 3-Pt specialist's theme. Still occasionally recognized in bad Serbian discos. Why Bad Brains:Aggressive. Relentless. Hardcore. A veteran of the DC scene. DIY attitude. Fan favorite. Throws body into the pit and doesn't expect to be caught. . . . . . . . . . Daniel Gibson vs. Roger Mason Junior
TEVIN CAMPBELL vs. RAY PARKER JUNIORWhy Tevin Campbell:
New Jack Swingman. Young, sweet, sexually unthreatening. Why Ray Parker Junior:
Both agreeably smooth, both unspookable. Both session guys who shot to solo fame. Both hated by Huey Lewis. THE STARTERS:
Ben Wallace vs. Antawn Jamison
TERMINATOR X vs. DJ SPINDERELLAWhy Terminator X:The X factor, an old school legend who sets the tone and speaks with his hands. Brought in to terminate shots, 'shut em down', and 'bring that beat back' but these days mostly plays like he has his head stuck in the sand. Why Spinderella:Antawn is the quiet backbone of the group, a smooth old school spinner, a cut chemist with a thousand tricks and techniques and a feminine touch. . . . . . . . . . Gilbert Arenas vs. Devin Brown
HUMPTY HUMP vs. PEABO BRYSONWhy Humpty:Gilbert is a man of a thousand disguises, a pranksta with a nose for trouble, and Margot Kidder crazy. Psycho alpha, that means the crazy one
Gold nose lazy one
Skill to kill
I never worked I never will
I'm the original high yellow rich rigger bum
Hookers getting mad cuz they can't make me come
Around their way
Addicted to the way that I play
I like to chew bubblegum
Make them laugh when I'm loving them
I blew a bubble and some Bubble-Yum
It's time to pull out my funny bone and get ready for the fun
The return of the crazy one!Why Peabo:Both are swingmen who are soft with the rock, inoffensive, and both are often playing in the room when Cav's coach Mike Brown makes love to his wife. . . . . . . . . . Zydrunas Ilgauskas vs. Brendan Haywood
RIGHT SAID FRED vs. THE SHIRELLESWhy Right Said Fred:Both are one hit wonders. Both were major label disappointments. Both wear mesh shirts. Both went bald early. Both are gay icons. Both are spokesmen for the Lithuanian charity No Smokestack Left Behind. Why The Shirelles:My Little Soldier Boy, Haywood has big lungs, small hands, a soft finish and the strength of 4 women. . . . . . . . . . Caron Butler vs. Delonte West
STEPHEN MALKMUS vs. BABYSHAMBLESWhy Malkmus:Underdog. Cold Son."I have my own man-crush on him."Why Babyshambles:Both gifted, both mutts, both physical wrecks, both cheap, both can't control their women, both can often be found urinating in public. . . . . . . . . . DeShawn Stevenson vs. LeBron James
SOULJA BOY vs. JAY-ZWhy Soulja Boy:Both cheeky, brash and infectious. Both unstoppable. Both arena favorites. Both are youtube sensations. Why Jay-Z:
LeBron is right. He is Jay-Z.
He is an ugly, scowling, overrated, overexposed bully.
He is a bloated copycat with predictable flow.
He was raised by a single mother also named Gloria who also instilled in him the important value of "SHOES=CASH".
His relationship with David Stern is a creepy, arranged marriage.
He is a touchy fleur de peau.
A paper mogul.
A hero simulation.
A megachurch, particle-board Jesus.
An Applebee's Objectivist.
A predatory malaissez-faire Klepto-Capitalist.
A monomaniacal self-crowning royal who built his kingdom on repurposed soul and the sales taxes of a 14 year-old suburban serfdom.
But LeBron: your kingdom isnt filled with nobles or knights itz filled with Admen who worship buzz analytics and its filled with Yesmen and Plus Ones swinging their sticks at the big cash pinata and when they are done beating you for coins Shisty Spitsy you will end up an empty papermache husk and all they kings men wont even try to put SHitsy back together again because they will be off to groom sheckles from the coarse hairs of the next in line like fussy ape-maidens while you end up in that place where all brands go to die.
Just something to think about my Queen!
Wiz in 5!
  Jay-Z and LeBron shown here making the universal sign language symbol for 'Vagina Brothers'. . . . . . . . . BONUS MATCHUPS!!!!!
THE COACHES:
Coach Eddie Jordan vs. Coach Mike Brown
MALCOLM MCLAREN vs. JEROME FROM THE TIMEWhy Malcolm McLaren:
Like Malcolm, Jordan is a Svengali, an avant-garde impressario, a manager of lunatics, an ideas man and a snappy dresser.
He also runs a post-modernist offense that features Buffalo Gals running 'round the outside! Why Jerome from The Time:When Brown was hired as Cleveland's coach he was asked to one thing: keep LeBron happy. And he does that by dancing in front of his narcissistic star with a giant mirror.O-WAY-O-WAY-O!. . . . . . . . . THE POSTIES:
The rivalries extend beyond the court to the Post reporters that cover them!Dan Steinberg vs. Michael Wilbon
??????? vs. ???????
YOU DECIDE!!!!!!
HOP ON THE COMMENT BOARD AND GIVE US YOUR STEINZ/WILBON MUSIC RIVAL DOPPLEGANGERS or come up with your own Wiz/Cav duels!
(NO 'MOBYS' ALLOWED!!!)
We say its:
THE ROCKMELONS vs LEVERT !!!
. . . . . . . .
"I hope we play Cleveland. I'm going to get Soulja Boy courtside seats and have him wear a DeShawn Stevenson jersey. Maybe (James) can have Jay-Z there since LeBron's all on his (shorts) anyway.I say next step is to get all these Wizards musical doubles in the crowd for the home games!WIz General Manager Rueben Kincaid can organize it! It would be an awesome sight: Malkmus handing towels and straws to Caron during timeouts and and live blogging it all on is iPhone! The SHirelles sitting behind the Cavs bench heckling them like a big black Robin Ficker with 4-part harmony! Spinderella pulling her gold braids out of a massive plate of Executive Nachos! Humpty getting busy in a Verizon center bathroom! Pete Wentz on F Street chatting to BOG TV about Weepy White Guys, his new charity for teens with emotional issues, while Littles consoles a dozen overweight goths! . . . . . . . . . 2006 Wiz/Cavs Playoff Preview!Full 2005 Wiz/Cavs Playoff COverage!Listen to Wizznutzz Classic Audiobook SHITSY SPITSYListen to Exclusive Queen James RemixesLabels: Playoffs, Playoffs 2008
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Thursday, April 17, 2008
PLAYOFF PREVIEW PART 1!
Check back before tipoff for complete position by position analisis!
But first, a certain intern that we behate to belove just nailed this soiled sheaf of robust violence to the back of a Montgomery Wards greeter!!!!!
Straight Outta Norra Begravningsplatsen!!!
Its August Strindberg!
and hes got a mind full of basketball incites made by genius (and full of small holes made by the absinthe)
As I famously once quipped, "If all bacon is crispy...oh damn damn damned whore of a life!" And ne'er tru'er words 'ere spoken. But you know what?
Sometimes damned whores are okay!
And sometimes life is okay too. And if this passing hope is nothing but a flickering picture-show on the vaginal walls of the succubus, well then get me some popcorn, because this film has won my heart. Yes, awards season is upon us, and these Zardonauts are the wildest romp since "Un Chien Pervis" (1923).
All this chatter of Most Valuable Players is but a fig leaf on a castrato.
Middle-aged Bryant is little more than an incipient Pharaoh Salieri, mule-driving the Jews (Farmar, Seckbach) to "glory." And Most Improved? Hedo Turkoglu dares speak of personal improvement when he still cannot fall asleep after road games without cuddling "Nicky," his plush donkey sewn from Vlade Divac's used nicotine patches?
Nay, the real winners live and bowl much closer to home, in our own dwindling Chinatown.
Coach of the Year is Dave Hopla, narrowly beating out Mike O'Koren, who moistly collected nut after nut in those bulging cheeks. But Hopla has to be the choice - the man who taught Brendan Haywood to accept his vulnerabilities and squat deeply. Phil Chenier posthumously collects a Lifetime Achivement Award from the Lifetime Network for his Golden Girls teleplays. Sixth Man goes once again, and forevermore, to Don MacLean. Andray Blatche is my pick for Best Actor in a Dramedy. Antawn Jamison: Best Smile. Stay sweet Antawn!!!
Point is, my friends, none of us are fools. We all know how this movie ends.
We have read of Icarus and the sun, we have read of Oedipus and the succulent succubus. The chorus murmurs and our cilia tremble in accord: "The Wizznutzz story is a story about overcoming odds, but mostly not overcoming odds." We can hope otherwise - but hope and five kronors buy you nothing but a five-kronor whore (and, two months later, a case of the Austrian Prickles). Nay, there is hope and then there is the screeching harpy, and the screeching harpy does not lose. The screeching harpy is like Robert Horry, carpetbagging her way to victories - unearned victories, but victories nonetheless. My overcoat grows slightly more soiled, and the wind outside this Merrifield Taco Bell grows cold.
But! At times like this I return to the scriptures. Camus tells us: "I must imagine Sisyphus happy." Schwartz speaks: "In dreams begin responsibilities." Buckhantz proclaims: 'It's not possible! It's not possible - but it happened anyway!"
Brother Albert, Brother Delmore, Brother Steve, do not fail me now!
The not-possible shall become oaken deed.
We will go to Ohio, and we will dine upon Damon Jones's pancreas, and then we will urinate upon his hollowed bloodwarm cadaver! Acrid pissy steam will rise, mixing with the Cuyahoga mist, and the billowing gray clouds will form the mouth of Agent Steinz, and the mouth will speak: "Wizards in six!" Labels: August Strindberg, Playoffs, Playoffs 2008
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Wednesday, May 17, 2006
OK so we havnt had much to say since Game 6 when damon jones reached up and pulled off our testicles.
For last week i stabbed a fork in my eye and left it in , this way people wouldnt ask mne "Why are you screaming on the bus?" they would see the fork and say ahh the fork! and go about their business. Also, my grandpa always taught me the lesson:
"If you dont have something nice to say, dont say anything at all"
but like LeBron james, my Grandpa was a nasty whore so i got testimony to give!!!
KING BAD TOUCH
SO as we know the series was a great fought campaign, and Agent Zero and the Queen dueled it out and everyone was being loved and there were smiles on the court, and then even thou he got bested in game 5, Zero even went into the Cavs soap stable to playfully tease LeBron and everyone was amazed by this maybe because ESPN doesnt program its robots to recognize "personality" , and then game 6 and its back and forth and back and forth and Zero calmy drills a 90-footer like an autistic assassin and the battle spills into OT and then Gilbert has two foul shots to seal the game and he misses the first but we know #2s a gimme, and Gils at the line in his special head place that he goes to when out of no where Queen james walks over and plops his mitt on Zeros chest.
WOAH DO MY EYES DECEIVE ME!
FOUL SHOTS MOST FOUL!!!!!
I mean its one thing to try and get inside a players head but another to go to second base with him!! Now gils brain is akimbo not because hes psyched out but because hes never been touched like that before and hes blushing withy new feelings and good jesus he misses the shot!!!
Bill Walton yells "The Body is A Battleground!"" but that was 2 hours before tipoff and now no one says anything!!!!???
What did LeBron say to agent 0???
at the time all of us at circuit city had the agreement that, he was being a good sport, saying to Gil, bro you gotta make this shot, you aint going out like this, its been too good the game for this rubbish cause thats what tru warriors du ...
BUT THEN we hear in postgame press conf Lebron eagerly admits it, he jinxed GIL:
"you dont make this shot yall going home"
But i guess we are not suprised now at this becasue, like we said last week, the sorting hat put James in the house of Slytherin and hes a parseltongue and can understand the language of mules and for motivational reading lebron doesnt read "WHo Moved My Cheese" or "Sacred Hoops" or "Manute the Center of Two Worlds" like other athletes but he reads Ayn Rands "The Old Man and the SHoe". Maybe LeBron cant even help it hes just a robot with no mercy built by espn dark science, he is like from the movie "The Black Hole" the red killing machine MAXAMILLIAN who only has one command and gilbert is the loveable OLD B.O.B.and BOB never stands a chance, but we know the moral of the Black Hole is that Black Holes have no conscience and that they distort the fabric of space and time and when LeBron goes too the bench at the timeout he looks over and Ira Newble has aged backwards and is now a newborn baby trying to crawl out of a pile of gameworns.
AND THEN
during the same timeout as he was walking to bench with look of disgust, LebRon grabs his throat and barks "FUCKING WIMP!"
tru fact!
When i read this I felt bacon vomit in my throat rising up, i feel sickened, its like a species fear sick feeling, like when you see something horrible violent or the coldness and no mercy of natures darkest side, like Phil Chenier eating his young.
SO THERE ARE 3 QUESTIONS
QUESTION ONE:
Why is no one talking about this?
How can you cheer for lebron now? Its like cheering for tanks in the streets, its like cheering for Cancer cells : "DIVIDE BITCHES!!! D-I-V-I-D-E!"
Bird and Magic and even Salieri had famous first playoff moments when they become men and lebrons defining moment: winning dirty, dropping vile eff bombs and passing up another game winner.
This for the world should have been LeBrons moment and it was,
it was his JOHN KREESE MOMENT.
What in the name of Teats OMalley is JOHN KREESE MOMENT u ask??
'John Kreese Moment' is named for John Kreese, he is the vietnam vet who ran the no mercy CObra Kai Dojo in The Karate Kid. He was the no mercy sensei who played dirty and dirtier to win at all costs "an enemy deserves no mercy!" and when Danielson can barely walk he does the Crane move on Johnny to win the match, and even johnny pays respect and give props to Daniel for what he deserved being a good adversary while John Kreese keeps yelling and wnats to keep fighting and casnt accept it, and he stands alone, despised and naked in his true colors, as even his BMX KFu gang walks away, embarrassed shaking their heads muttering: "Its Over"
Like espn should walk away from Lebron now, "its over". lebron deserves his John Kreese fate, which is to be reintroduced as a homeless man in Karate Kid part 3, a movie like LeBron that critics called "anti-climactic and flaccid to the point of being entirely vestigial"
Only 2 People talked about it:
1. MICKAEL WILBON
I know! of all people.
Our feelings r known on wilbon and this piece is typical Wilbon primitive subsistence sportswriting:
"SHIFTING PATCH CULTIVATION" sportswriting
like a indonesian farmer Wilbon overfarms cliches until he has exhausted the soil then moves on to the next cliche and over farms that.
This time hes talking about "heart" again but at least he reported it!!
maybe hes mad that LeBron turned down his MySpace invitation!!!
2. PETER VESCEY
Wizznutzz LOVE Peter Vescey. we love how surly he was on TNT before he got fired even tho he had just sprung for a new-money Long Island face lift, the kind you order off giant menu boards at the dermatologist fastfood style, Pete said "Gimme A Sag Harbor Special!!!".
But we mostly love the way he molests language: hes like a Prog Rock sportswriter!
hes like a blind guy playing Pole Position, its exhilirating just trying to see if hell make it around the next corner! There something about his writing thats plain off, like a midget, and then he throws in a weird ambitious verbal twist so his sentences are unnatrual AND make no sense, like a midget with a lisp!
But Pete has our back, he calls foul on LeBron and NBA and advocates "vigilante violence"!!! COnstable Hayes, step aside and let the mob do what the mob gotta do!
3. FREEDARKO kind of wrote about it but like all serbian intellectuals he is too soft when it counts !!!!
4. OH SCOOP JACKSON WROTE ABOUT IT!
If by writing u mean just recycling the press releases from Nike's "I Am A Witness" campaign:
When the shirt arrived it was like Christmas in May.
Witness
That's all it said.
Because that's what we all are.
...Just watch. Witness
Yes he really wrote that. You know we love SCOOP, cuz he mixes up terse minimalism with afro-maximalist aphorisms,
cause SCOOPS GOT MADLibs!
But with writing like this, i get the feeling in 1998 Scoop was the guy at your office who would spend lunch trying to retell in real time the jokes from last nights episode of "Homeboys In Outerspace" :
"And then Pippin says 'You wiggle them pointy ears at me one more time, and I'll beam you up where the sun don't shine! '. Haha, GET IT? Cause Pippin, hes the guy from the Star Trek show! 'Beam Me UP!!!" Classic!
Scoops not getting a ride in my space hoopty thats 4 sure
QUESTION TWO:
OK next question, DID LeBron put the WHAMMY ON GILBERT????
yes Of course he did the real question:
is what kind of whammy?
Was it a jinx, or a hex, was it voodoo or hoodoo? was it a Ninja death touch? Did he suck out his soul? Did he do that thing like in the movies where he touches him and suddenly Gilbert sees the ways people will die flashing before his eyes: his pitbulls slumped off the back of a treadmill as it goes THWIPP THWIPP THWIPP round and round; his dad dressed in a blue linen Tubbs suit being gunned down by Miami SWAT team; Patrick Ewing choking on baked beans; good god Juan Dixon in his antispetic beach bubble being swept out to sea!
This would not be the first time washington has been cursed.
1. THE GYPSY CURSE
When NBA Players Association pushed through "MR DRUMMONDS BILL" to prohibit Abe POllins scouting technique of driving through the ghetto in his town car and "Adpoting" young black kids off the playground, Pollin goes to Romania and steals a romanian giant baby from a gypsy woman. (He also steals gypsy recipe for "executive Nachos" -- just replaced the cheez with honey and jalapenos with the horse meat and its the same)
The gypsy woman puts a curse on Abe POllin:
"Your Big Men will forever have bad knees!"
The curse was accidentally lifted in 2004 when Jahidi WHite happened to catch and eat a live chicken
2. BILLY OLIVER ENCHANTS HIS TOILET
3. BULLETS BRIEFLY THINK THEY ARE UNDER LEPRECHAUNS CURSE
Then they just realize Jim Lynam is still living at the MCI center!!
4. ANCIENT CURSE OF THE ABORIGINEES
When ANdrew Gaze hears that Rod Strickland had "pointed the bone" at some people during a Steve Miller COncert at Merriweather he confronts Rod and demands "Where did you learn the ancient curse of the Aborigine?!"
But rod shrugs and says "What the hells a ABoriginie?????"
But LeBrons cursed hand is most likely 2 be:
THE MIDAS CURSE!!
Thats right think about it:
Golden Child! Foolish King!
And there is a part of the Midas Curse that many people dont know about buit that is Tru fact:
King Midas gets into a fight with Apollo about a flute and Apollo gives him the EARS OF A DONKEY!!!! and when he passes the reeds whistle out: "King Midas has ass's ears." I cant tell because i have a voice in my head thats been saying that same phrase since the Frog Fired The Prince!?!!!!
SO WHOSE TO BLAME????
I saw WE R all 2 Blame cuz we created this monster! Well WE didnt, we created the CHEESEBOOT(tm) , because we are artists not saleswhores.
But ameirca made the cash moose, made him angry and bitter and oneminded . this isnt what tru warior Malcolm meants by when he said "by any mean necessary" .
Its BeCause America FETISHIZES COmpettition, its all about the W except for a few brief sentimentally retarded Sunday at the Masters montages and halftime trubutes to paralyzed linebackers . America is all little stout fat schopenauer babies, waddling about in stain resistant pants saying "Money is Happiness!"
LeBron james is what happens from the Me Decade of 1980. and oh yeah also the Me Decade of 1990 and Me Decade 2000. he is what happens from NBA crony cpitalism. Like Marx warned: Lebron is no revolutionary because the revolutionaries get coopted by the ruling elite. ANd like Mark Price warned: LeBron is what happens when David Stern announces "Rape is Natural" at Read To Achieve seminars! Thats why Queen james is royal and why he is a single celled organism in a primordal soup of narcisssism. why should he eveolve? america doesnt want to evolve, america want to listen to Eagles Greatest Hits over and over and over until the end of days and Lebron is AMERICAS BIG SPIRITUAL CORPSE
but GILBERT ARENAS is an artist not a salesman, he is a player and not a politician.
Gilbert is like a SPartist. In ancient SParta they had no currency or capital and eveyone sat about and had tons of free time and no jobs and almost everyone was a musician --like Takoma Park but more showering!
Agent Zero cannot be destoryed because Agent Zero plays to exist.
He isnt governed by dollar saign but by the sign of SUNYATA, the LAW OF NOTHINGNESS:
"It represents a perfect circle, perfection, that is, within the limitations of the always imperfect material world. It conveys the sense of some-thing emanating from no-thing-ness. It represents the vagina, the gateway of birth into manifestation, and also the first moment of the creation of the universe, the big bang, when every thing emerged from the unformed vacuum point."
It took me 5 beers to see the VAgina but when you do you cant shake it, its like the Magic Eye Puzzle!!!
And now thiss incite, like the season will just stop like that.
---------
Meantime:
The Daily Bacon is aflutter with offseason plans and mothering!
And we have the best commenters in town, like our good mate 'anonymous' who has the last word on those damn WITNESS commercials:
"the only thing I can figure that we are a "witenss" to from that commercial is the destruction of american manufacturing leaving a giant hole in the center of america that we fill up by eating agribusiness's carcinegenic biproducts, rolling through the streets looking for meth, watching coal fires burn on the horizon, and of course cheering the chosen one throw down a bunch of dunks while what appears to be outtakes from sokurov's days of eclipse float by in the rearview mirror. "
How dya like them apples SCOOP JACKSON!???!?!?!?!Labels: Playoffs, Queen James
posted by wizznutzz
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Tuesday, May 09, 2006
WE STill dont have words for the pain from GAME SIX
SO WE MADE A MOVIE!!!
This is why Agent Zero dont Sleep, he sees THIS on back of his eyelids aka "WHY?Lids"!!!
 Labels: Playoffs
posted by wizznutzz
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Saturday, May 06, 2006
 TANTOU!!!! MAssive Overstock!
Inventory Error!
Clearance Sale!
Collectors Item!
GET YOURS NOW!Labels: Playoffs
posted by wizznutzz
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Friday, May 05, 2006
PREGAME INCITES!!!
While Agent Zero has been getting ready for game 6 and fulfilling Barbara Harrisons forbidden fantasies, Wizznutzz r super conident 4 win tonite. Its been a great series and though we make fun of Queen james alot hes a fine player and done for city of Cleveland what 300 years of white men couldnt do! Like we said on Deadspin: King james is a nice face for the NBA, especially if the NBA is about to cry. He is better face for NBA than Zildrunas Ilgouskas. When ever i see Zildrunass Ilgauskas face I dont think NBA i think "small children just buried in the woods"
QueenJamez has says he can carry his team on his back and also carry dreams of TV executives and emasculated suburban dads and pockmarked limo drivers, he carries the weight of the world like Atlas, but Queen james lemme say that Ayn Rand wrote a book called "GREED FOR DUMMIES" and it had the motto:
"ATLAS SHRUGGED"
Atlas shrugged, Atlas didnt didnt cry and he didnt plead and no way did he skip around like Nancy Drew in a pastry fight And LeBron shoulkd know this cause in his first week in NBA one morning someone slipped a copy of "Atlas Shrugged" under his door. It was anonymous who gave it, but there were some clues: in the margins of most pages was written "is it in YOU?" and the book smelled like cigars and adultery and a page was bent over and when lebron opened to that page written in big childish marker and circled was the words:
"SHOES = CASH!!!!"
But i hope lebron read the book though, because then he would also know the quote:
"We want them to be broken. You'd better get it straight that it's not a bunch of boy scouts you're up against... We're after power and we mean it... There's no way to rule innocent men."
I dont know what that means but it has something to with why Wes Unseld isnt allowed to ride in school busses.
But I DO KNOW that Ayn Rand knocked boots with OBJECTIVISTS. she wasnt a a classical rationalist (like Descartes, or Guggliotta) and she wasnt like the classical empiricists led by Patrick Ewing and the Vienna Circle who formulated the verifiability principle:
"I may think think about baked beans and they may exist,
but if theres baked beans in my morning sheets then i was eating in my sleep again."
Instead Ayn Rand was a straight cash homey ALPHA BETTY who thought production was heroism.
like JUST DO IT.
Lebron u may ask: "Is that mean I just gotta bring my A game"? Hell I can do that" but beware because there is a MAJOR flaw in this beliefs:
Objectivism, like 'Naked Detective', is a young mans game, when you get old and slow and cant produce, (like Billy Joel crashing his renault into the sand-- hitting rock bottom in the Hamptons takes FOREVER!!!) then suddnely Atlas Shrugged turns into - poof - "the Old Man And The SHoe", and laissez-faire capitalism becomes MALAISSEZ-faire and no funeral is more bitter and unattended than the death of a BRAND!!!!!!!!
Its like you ask sherpas about a trail MULE, they will tell you : :"you have to walk the mule. always walk the mule. the mule cannot bear to stop walking because it is crazy if it stands still. Its bites off its own fur and does mad behaviour like trying to attack cougars"
Mules Attacking Cougars I know!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MEANWHILE
Awesome Daily Bacon today!
DR CHESNUTT from Celtics DOOM blog has gone Cold Mountain and chased the money to wizznutzz.com !!!!!!!!
we offered him MAX INTERN DEAL: (10% off day-old meats, exclusive use of Ledell Eakles) but unlike Lobster Roll hes already paying off: such as coining new Agent Zero name:
NIL-BERT!!!!!Labels: Playoffs, Queen James
posted by wizznutzz
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Two hot "Queen James" dubplates straight from two AWESOME superfanz!!!! These two bangers WILL BLOW UP THE INTERNETS!! Al Gore was seen adding more wires to the WWW2 just to compensate!!! Right click on links below to download:
"Queen James" (John Surma's Milk Dud Remix)
(A Eminem D12 hyphy trip!!!! Listen to our flow!! Liste4n for awesome subtle sound effects punctuating punchlines -- that's some Dre level sh*t!!! JJ Surma, you are a CHAMPION!!! More!!!)
"Queen James" (Kevin Ferguson's DnB Remix)
(DnB, is that Dave & Busters???? We've always wanted to front the synth-pop band Band of Love!!! No, REALLY. Our favorite song EVER is "I Touch Roses (a.k.a Kwames Taint)." This is a GREAT JOb, KFerg!!! More!!! Fergie is also responsible for the LEGENDARY "Bullets Fever" remix that can be downloaded from God's Mix Tape!!! Go there now!!!)
JJ Surma & K Ferg will be spending a week inside the MOTHERING HUT with Ken the Intern and Ledell the Eackles courtesy of Manouche's Half-Smoke Stand outside the Tower Records in D.C. !!! There's still time to do your own remix!!! Right click here to download "Queen James" a capella and fire up the soft synths!!!
Dear MCI Verizon Center: YES, you have our permission to play these bangers TONIGHT to fire up the Black President and his Cabinet!!!Labels: Playoffs, Queen James
posted by wizznutzz
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Thursday, May 04, 2006
We've been so enjoying the commenters' INCITES from our earlier post today and all around the internets that we totally forgot to plug yesterday and today's AWESOME posts on THE DAILY BACON, including "Moby Shaq: Part 2," another reading from the "Queen James Bible" and a little something the interns like to call "CLEVELAND ROTS"!!!! Check it out!!
Holy craplola, Fortran programmer ABE POLLIN HAD THE SAME IDEA WE DID!! Turn up you sound card!!!Labels: Playoffs
posted by wizznutzz
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"Hi, I'm Queen James. If you call me for a foul, I will scowl and pout and look all gassy and act like you've just called my mom a felon. Really, though, I'm perfect. In fact, when I take a dump it comes out wrapped in a giftbox and smelling of lavender."
Wiz lose in a sickening groaner not seen since Ken the Intern left open the bathroom door after a long night spent on "Fajita Coast." Antawn let Queenie drive past him like he was the saloon door in a whorehouse WHICH HE IS. "Hi, I'm Antawn. My favorite band is Trapdoor Fucking Exit." Arrrgh, I hate when the SELF HATE comes out. I love you, 'TWAN!! I think there's a future for you as a greeter at Wal-Mart!!!!
BUT IT'S NOT OVER!!! Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no! Was it over when Wes Unseld traded Chris Webber for Mitch Richmond, Otis THorpe and a bag of expired half-smokes? HELL NO! Was it over when Manute Bol opened his restaurant on U St. and closed it soon after because of a lack of patronage due to his inability to sufficinetly rally D.C.'s African community to dine out regularly on Sudanese Executive Nachos? HELL No!!! HE BROUGHT PEACE TO SUDAN THROUGH ICE HOCKEY.
Was it over when Cold Mountain actually started to make his jumpers and when King Dud Eric Snow turned into a Salieri-like scoring machine and Queen James drove past two Wizards like they were road pylons and then nobody on the Wiz had the presence of mind to call a timeout, advance the ball to half court, and run a set play (INCITE!!) ? Yeah, pretty much. BUT WE GOT FRIDAY!!!
So between now & then, you SUPERFANZ gotta write the NEW "Bullets Fever"!!! Rally the team with an EXTREME PUTDOWN REMIX!!!! Here's the tres tres poignant a capella version of "Queen James," the song that blowing up the iNternets. First one who can time-stretch this bitch into a consistent time signature and add some bangin' beats gets a FREE TRIP TO THE MOTHERING HUT!!!
Right click below to download:
"Queen James" (a capella)Labels: Playoffs, Queen James
posted by wizznutzz
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 Labels: Playoffs, Queen James
posted by wizznutzz
OUR FAMOUS MOTHERING HUT T-SHIRTS
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Wednesday, May 03, 2006
VARIOUS PREGAME INCITES
1st off yes we too heard the news about HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED but we have nothing to say now because we have very firm policy: "No Rape Japes"
We dont talk about sexual assault victims. Ever.
Much Ado About Buffin'!
Everyones been talking about Agent Zero's halftime quick change!!!!
Even tho The Black President had success criminalizing redmuffs, his first term was a disaster and he didnt want to become a lame duck prez in the second term and needed to shake up his cabinet so he made executive decision and VETOED HIS PANTS!
Coach Jordan was so wowed that he told everyone on the team to embrace slump-busting changes. Steve Stricker slips "Mister? Maam?" sexual reassigment pamphlet into Billy "angry inch" Thomases locker!
Excited Abe Pollin hears the report and rushes down to locker room:
"Are You The Mayor of Naked Land???"
WE ARE ALL WITNESSES!
Cleveland Celebrates their Coach Tonite with:
MIKE BROWN BOBBLEHEAD NIGHT!!!!
WILL LEITCH DROPS LEBROMSHELL ON SLATE!!!
"LeBron James will never be like Michael Jordan. All great players are unique. Heck, Gilbert Arenas is more comparable to Jordan, the player, than LeBron will ever be....."
Woah Will watch who your painting with that pooey brush! You cant fill up a Zero with comparisons or theories or characterizing because zero is the black hole and swallows them all.
Wills incites reminded me of one of Wizznutzz FAV articles ever that was also on Slate:
Citizen Jordan
A basketball legend's soulless retirement caps his soulless career.
One hilite:
"He created a person without edges, smooth and sleek and without any places for anyone to get a grip on him. "
IS HE TALKING ABOUT TYRONNE LUE????!!!!
SCOOP:
EXCLUSIVE HOME VIDEOS
FROM GILBERT ARENAS PERSONAL COLELCTION
VIDEO 1:
WORKOUT!!!!
VIDEO 2:
ITS 4AM, GILBERTS BEEN PLAYING HALO 10 HOURS STRAIGHT!!!
and of course...
check it out!Labels: Playoffs
posted by wizznutzz
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Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Inspired by todays awesome arousing post at THE DAILY BACON wizznutzz interns all undressed and are standing around naked waiting fore something, anything, to happen and god lets hope it happens soon before ken wakes up and thinks hes in one of those dreams he can control.
Meanwhile heres a caption contest featuring our feminine friend, Damon Jones!
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