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Tuesday, May 01, 2007
 
END OF SEASON DENIAL DAY 1:

Its has been banner season for wizznutzz and so is fitting that it ends with a new first!!!!

BY THE BEARD OF NAKKI!!

WIZZNUTZZ ON TV!!!!!

Agent STeinz is very kind to us today but we always say we r nothing if not for him!!! Steinz can do it all!! He is Bo Jackson of online sports media!! ANd the Len Sakata of cable TV!!! This year he provided more meats than Rod Strickland wedding registry!!

We have special Directors Cut of Jaarkos Big Day Out aka "INTO THE GLOAMING 2"

We take Bog TV, add some music and a naked picture of Steve Guttenberg and is suddenly 10 minutes long!!!

Viewer Note:
Late in movie you see a white piece of paper that is hard to read. It is in fact a real card with the following words printed on it:

"You are being issued a warning that the comments, gestures, and/or behaviors that you have directed at players, coaches, game officials and/or other spectators constitute excessive verbal abuse and are in violation of the NBA Fan Code of Conduct. This is the first and only warning that you will receive. If, after receiving this warning, you verbally abuse any player, coach, game official or spectator, you will be immediately ejected from the arena without refund."

This card was in tru fact given to wizznutzz Honorary Intern Unsilent Majority by NBA referee Steve Javie for screaming "MILK DUD!" insults at Eric SNow during Game 3.

Unsilent Majority is now "INTERN FOR LIFE".

There are only 2 ways to be intern for life: One is to get code of conduct warning from NBA referees.

The other is to get pregnant with Kwame Browns baby so we can form "Knights of The Temple": wizznutzz secret army in Temple Hills Circuit CIty who sworn to protect manchilds sacred bloodline.

We gave Unsilent keys to the Mothering Hut to use for the summer. We were going to sublet it to this artist (Warning: extremely unsafe for work unless u work as a moile)



but UM u deserve it all!!

SO ENJOY JAARKOS BIG DAY OUT!!!
Please Nobody tell Jaarko that we lost Game 3! Also dont tell hoim we lost game 4 and dont tell him about Borat stealing his japes!!!! Jaarko has been drinkling fermented urine when borat was not even born. If u been in the Mothering Hut then you know it is true!!!




PS:
$5 OFF SALE AT THE MOTHERING HUT!!!
Get your OBAMA/ARENAS BLACK PRESIDENTIAL SWAG NOW!!!

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Tuesday, April 24, 2007
 
We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or rats' feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar
.......
Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow...

This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

-The Hollow Men, T.S. Eliot


They sat together in the empty diner
filled with cracked china
Old news was blowing across the filthy floor
and the sign on the door read "this way out", that's all it read
that's all it said


-Abandoned Luncheonette, Hall & Oates


. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


Game One is in the books, which means its time for our traditional:

2007 WIZARDS PLAYOFF PREVIEW!!!!!

No sooner had LORD HAVISHAM dusted off the victory cake, than NBA ANALISTS handed the Wizards a frank diagnosis:

ITS TERMINAL!


Team is told : "Youve got one week to live"
Andray Blatche takes up smoking, maxes out Best Buy credit card, implores Susan OMalley: 'I dont want to die a virgin"

The team has all the momentum of a hippopotamus pregancy. They are like a dying tauntaun, we can just hope to climb into its warm carcass and wait out the endlessly bitter Hoth night!!! Even the SUpreme COurt starts trash talkin; : "no late-term abortions playing in my house!!".

Some people hold out hope!

They say: "The Wiz will play loose and confident because like dying folks the WIz have nothing to lose!"

Yes they do have something to lose! They have their lives to lose and they will be losing them much faster and with more hurting than most people! They have games to lose! 4 games! And also some of the players might lose their jobs.

What they SHOULD say is "Wiz have nothing to win!"

Its not about dying with dignity.
In fact, the only thing we have left is the power of dying WITHOUT dignity.
Wiz goal should be to die the least dignified death ever died.
They need to lose these games so dreadfully, so painfully, and desperately, with moans and urine and loud cursing, so that Cleveland will turn their eyes away, and be filled with a deep guilt and species shame and be so sickened and horrified to see fellow ballers suffering so that it will snuff out all joy and competitive fire forever and cleveland will be forever stained and stumbling with the pointless, lost gait of a man who has seen another mans, and therefore all men's, ultimate ruin.

GO TEAM!!

2007 PLAYOFF PREVIEW




FIRST OFF WE DUST OFF LAST NU-RIPE JAPES


2006 Playoff Preview

2006 Playoffs: The Movie!

QUeen James The SOng!: Download the Exclusive Remixes!

Witness This!: LeBron vs Jesus

Straight Cash Ho'Me: Queen James and Ayn Rand

Playoff Bacon: Hi-Lites from a Salty April and May



THE 2K7 BREAKDOWN

BACKCOURT

DeShawn Stevenson is one of Washingtons better defenders. Which means he doesnt actually cry when he gives up an easy bucket. When he is on, he is a threat to score from anywhere on the court. Known for his signature call : "I Cant Feel My Face!" which has proven much more popular with the fans that Jahidi White's old motto "I Can Feel Your Thighs But The Judge Says I Can't"

Antonio Daniels: With Agent Zero on the campaign trail, the team is counting on 'The Brown Hornet' to pick up the SWAG. Daniels attacks the rim with the reckless gusto and long odds of an elderly mans sperm!!

Larry Hughes: COld Mountain is something of a mystery. He plays both ends of the floor: paycheck-to-paycheck. Hes a cool as a shoplifter. He never sweats, but only because he has his NBA per diem stuffed down the front of his shorts

Sasha Pavlovic is a very popular meringue cake in the australian suburbs!


FRONT COURT



LeBron James:

As we like 2 say:
LeBron James is a nice face for the NBA, especially if the NBA is about to cry!

Lebron is many things:
A Pirate Queen, a marketing host cell, an Applebees Objectivist, a scowling nail biter, Americas bloated spiritual corpse, a bull moose, a suburbo-corporate muse, a child monomanic, and above all, a bully.



He displays the dim posturing of someone who knows only their own strength.
Like a comic book hero, the King James legend is paper thin and its ink has barely dried and rubs off on yo fingers.

Antwan Jamison is everyman's dream: the prettiest and easiest girl at the dance! And keep an eye on his playoff eyebrows!

Jarvis Hayes: with Caron and Gil sidelined, guys like COnstable Hayes have to step in and produce. Alas, as a subsititute Wizard, Hayes is as bonafide asHarry Potter and The Golden Turtle!!

Zydrunas Ilgauskas is a special player. You can hardly notice his prosthetic leg!

Drew Gooden is a fat mans Juwan Howard. He has been sporting a duck tail hairdo in honor of National Vagina Awarness Month.


THE BENCH

Cleveland:
Aka the Slow Twitch AllStars.

Eric SNow: still round, still choclately, still delcious!



Ira Newble: runs a brisk trade at his family's diamond district jewelry shop. Yet still wont sell Eric a ring!

Damon Jones. Dont care how many shoes you buy, everyone still hates your 80s fade and ass-face smile. Mark Price gets more action than you!

Scott Pollard and Lady Vanderson: U think having a special hairstyle shows the world you are inconclastic that u have flair, and are unique free spirits.
5 WORDS for you:
David Schwimmer watches 'The Apprentice'

DOnyell Marshall: the baritone baseliner. I like DOnyell, but the CGI effects are so obvious when u watch on hi-def. You can totally see the pixels.

DC:
Cleveland bench is thin on bigs. Washingtons bench is big on thins!
The DC bench is like the 5th child, the wonky accident baby, who was pretty much left to be raised by his older siblings. And the suddenly the parents are like, "Hey, whatsyourname? Can you drive a car yet?" Watching this second unit launch up shots is like a John Woo movie: a complex choregoraphy of missed shots recorded from every conceivable angle. Balls be bouncin off tha glass like a koked up kangaroo in a penthouse.

THE INTANGIBLES
Wiz got this wrapped up. Sez Michael Ruffin:

"I dont worry too much about that. Im very tangible. SO was my dad. I come from a real long line of tangibles."




EXTRA CREDIT QUESTION:

On his blog, after announcing his presidential candidacy, Agent Zero dropped the following tease like he was jared jeffries tossing fresh chum into the anacostia river on his annual fishing trip:

Big Announcement
And I got a big, big, big announcement to make in a couple days. A real big one. To me, it’s really that big. It might be Saturday or Sunday, it might be the first home game here in Washington. It’s big. It’s good, oh man.

Here’s a hint: there’s going to be four million of them. That’s the only hint I can give you.



4 million WHAT!!???????

Is Gil gonna hand out $40,000 worth of newly minted Black Presidential pennies?
Did a crate of Nigerian election ballots fall of a truck?
Has he scored some cheap Oxycontin at the police auction?
Is he importing cane toads??
Is he going to offer ownership shares in the Lightening Jack remake ?????

Get on those comments a give us your predictions!!!

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Saturday, April 21, 2007
 


Friends!

In the words of the bard Buckhantz, "An injustice anywhere is a backbreaker everywhere." Even with our recent misfortune, harmony still reigns -- Kindly Antawn, Hobo Cal, Beetle-Browed Eddie Jordan.

But a foul wind blows off the Cuyahoga. Disturbing rumbles have been belching forth from Cleveland for some time now: Larry Hughes's missing smile; the inexplicable suppression of Ira Newble; Eric Snow.

Too long have we stood silent, allowing the questions to remain unasked, the answers to lurk behind a veil of Pussycat Doll interstitials. But though my tongue is little more than a blackened slug, more adept for producing pus then words -- nevertheless, I must speak! Mine eyes hath seen this before, y mine eyes willath see 'tagain: The Cherokee Trail of Tears; the Bataan Death March; the Island of Dr. Moreau; the Cavs 2007 playoff run.

We are all witnesses, yes -- witnesses to a cruel, repressive regime, a technofascist police state that will stop at nothing in its frantic, hubristic quest for domination. Suddenly it all makes sense! The sleepy, narcotized gazes of once-proud Donyell Marshall, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, and David Wesley -- the squeaky wheel gets the lobotomy. The floppy flailings of Anderson Varejao -- clearly a Frankensteinian experiment gone horribly awry. And poor Ira Newble, an innocent victim of rampant anti-Semitism.

Blame not LeBron! This "King James" is nothing but a puppet prince, a billboard figurehead. Like China's Last Emperor, he is an innocent child shielded from the crumbling realities, a baby-faced opiate for the gullible masses, with only his wet nurse Maverick Carter for comfort. LeBron knows nothing of the suffering beyond his palace walls.

Nay, the blame lays with Cavaliers' owner Daniel Gilbert, a spunky blend of Kim Jong Il, Saparmurat Niyazov, Idi Amin, and J Edgar Hoover. Or is there a force even above him -- perhaps even the mossy, mottled she-succubus herself?

Our recent troubles are nothing compared to the sufferings of these boys in beige. Like the Lincoln Brigade fighting for our Spanish brothers, we must hear and heed the call of duty, of dignity, of freedom. It won't be easy -- it might be ugly -- it'll probably last only four games -- but we have no choice. We are summoned. Onwards, my syphilitic hordes! Our faces will be unfelt, our nuts will sit unharvested, and the child Andray shall lead us to glory.

Onwards!

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