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Monday, April 06, 2009
 
nba green

This week is NBA GREEN WEEK!!!!

The death of the earth is trendy issue these days and the NBA has decided to get involved and dedicate this week as a week of responsible Edutainment. They have launched lots of great initiaties. For every point scored this week Chris Bosh will plant a cabbage!

But we have obtained a classified memo from the very offices of David Stern listing some green initiatives that DID NOT make the cut!


- Halftime farmers market
- Carbon neutral dancers
- Self-composting mascots
- Craig Sager's blazers will now use chemical-free dyes
- Encourage teams to "draft local"
- Appoint Robert Parrish as NBA Green Czar
- Phase out road games
- Paperless contracts
- Weatherproof Charles Barkley
- Sponsor a Chia Pet drive
- Develop Legler Sequestration technology
- Purchase carbon offset credits every time LeBron James travels
- Pre-season games to be played via Twitter
- Steve Buckhantz used to power Phil Chenier
- Work with partner T-Mobile to reduce "Fave Five" to "Fave Three" levels by 2012
- Charlie Villanueva: now hormone-free!
- When Gilbert Arenas runs his dogs on the treadmill, sell the electricty that is generated back to the grid
- Visitor showers use recycled hot dog greywater
- Fair Trade gameworns



Charlie Villanueva Chia Head

Hop on the comments and tell us NBA green ideas you would like to see in action!

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Sunday, March 08, 2009
 
twitter logo profanity swear

R.I.P. @REALGARYPAYTON!!!

Last week in the internet there was a salty sensation that was taken from us way too young!

On Monday morning word got around that x-baller and TV talker Gary Payton had taken his swag cyber and had started a twitter account updating his personal movements and aggro-aphorisms in real time. GP and Twitter: never did it seem there had been a man and a technology so perfectly matched, at least since ROBO VENDOR ruled the MCI Center in the late 20th Century!



By Tuesday news of GPs tweetmagic was all over the sports blogosfear and was reported in real newspaper sites and even made it 2 print in one bankrupt paper.

By Wednesday a guy claiming to be NYTimez sportswriter "Howard Beck" denounced REALGARYPAYTON as being too real for mankind and by Thursday GP was silenced 4 ever!!!

We will miss your tainted haiku GP. U were inspiration too us with your brute honesty and tender fondling of the language of men. There is an honorary wizznutzz internship open 4 u anytime u want it, or for your son Gary Payton Junior or for your other son Gary Payton II.

U cant find Garys twitter no more but we rounded up most of it below from google so it can be seen for all time (or until time Howard Beck accepts August Strindbergs challenge to a duel)



REALGARYPAYTON U think my mouth talk trash wait til u hear my thumbs holla!! Follow me fanz, @THE_REAL_SHAQ got 200K, gimme sum of yo sheep black moses!
3:04 PM Mar 2rd from web




REALGARYPAYTON Obama Courtside Wiz/Bulls. THAT MY PREZ! Welcome to 39% ballers haha. With them taxes next season all y'all be playin' 4 Toronto
3:20 PM Mar 2rd from web




REALGARYPAYTON Me, Jr. and GPII ran into Shawn Kemp and Shawn Kemp Jr. (U. of 'Bama!) OG Kemp still mad @ Premiata Montegranaro. Who ain't? Ban pasta! LOL
5:32 PM Mar 2rd from web




REALGARYPAYTON remember when dallas would beat everybody? damn how the mighty have fallen when CHOKLAHOMA CITY can beat u @markcuban!
10:44 PM Mar 2rd from web




REALGARYPAYTON oh shit that was supposed to be private email LOL
10:45 PM Mar 2rd from web




REALGARYPAYTON Drive 2 OAK 2 fly ATL 4 TV. Got tapes 2 study but I bring DVDs 2. Planes never got no movies 4 a black man 2 watch. No horror no Van Peebles
11:52 AM Mar 3rd from web




REALGARYPAYTON GPII gave me a Snuggie to wear on the plane. That thing is warm!
1:00 PM Mar 3rd from web




REALGARYPAYTON K they telling me I got to turn off my phone. btw I think Remington Steele is on my plane
1:04 PM Mar 3rd from web




REALGARYPAYTON In studio getting make up. If it aint broke dont fix I say
4:41 PM Mar 3rd from web




REALGARYPAYTON Ahmad walking around in just his undershorts. He always doing that these days since he started them man aerobics. Cover it up A-RHAD!!!
4:48 PM Mar 3rd from web




REALGARYPAYTON Ahmad kill me if he read this. Ahmad U smell like sushi and roll on. Haaaahaaaa im the TWITTER ASSASSIN
4:51 PM Mar 3rd from web




REALGARYPAYTON good one up tonite. PHO v ORL. CHeck us out twitter people. Well be talking Superman v Superman. JJReddick U=THE REALJIMMYOLSON
5:51 PM Mar 3rd from web




REALGARYPAYTON JJ R don't let the haters get you down -- "Confidence Counts", it's a book and a lifestyle!! Smell the Glove.
5:55 PM Mar 3rd from web




REALGARYPAYTON 3Q producr just tell me i shud say "experience" not say "experience FACTOR" i say do your job i do mine i get paid 2 talk tha 2nd words free
9:01 PM Mar 3rd from web




REALGARYPAYTON lights 2 damn hot in here. i need 2 go on air w/ jacket no shirt like Lorenzo Lamas or a man who tame lion. I rock that look shock that rook
9:04 PM Mar 3rd from web




REALGARYPAYTON Pat Ewing I love you like a brother but r u on the chris tucker diet? pass the peas like they used to say. i got CWebb laughing now
9:17 PM Mar 3rd from web




REALGARYPAYTON Bacon is natures alarm clock
8:38 AM Mar 4th from web




REALGARYPAYTON Hey Mr Towncar driver, i didnt realize i was holding a big sign that say "TELL ME ALL ABOUT YOUR COUSINS BASKETBALL CAREER"
10:03 AM Mar 4th from web




REALGARYPAYTON OK city make playoffs when Tyler Perry movie full of white dudes
11:09 AM Mar 4th from web




REALGARYPAYTON my Word of the Day: "MAXIMILLIAN"
3:32 PM Mar 4th from web




REALGARYPAYTON pepsi got tha new logo. its all same 2 me. they want 2 chng it chng the can from blue. but they cant cuz red=coke & all other colors =fruits
5:40 PM Mar 4th from web




REALGARYPAYTON prple=grape, ornge=ornge, red=coke, yellow=lemon, green=lemonlime, blue=nofruit
5:40 PM Mar 4th from web




REALGARYPAYTON b4 you say it "Blue Rasberry" , thats a FLAVOR not a fruit
5:42 PM Mar 4th from web




REALGARYPAYTON brown also has no fruits but brown=yoohoo
5:45 PM Mar 4th from web




REALGARYPAYTON am i the only one excited about the new Depeche Mode? Dave Gahan is straight ballin' (no homo)
11:45 PM Mar 4th from web




REALGARYPAYTON Meeting 2day with Cole Haan about tha shoe line. Shoes 4 work not 4 play. "Pro Casuals" Damn i miss my Air Hawks. Damn I feel retired 2day
10:18 AM Mar 5th from web




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Tuesday, February 24, 2009
 


The NBA trade deadline came and went last week!
There was a huge amount of excitement for the fans and the press all week leading up, as the clock ticked down it was a race to see who could imagine the greatest fantasy swaps. If all-star weekend is Black Thanksgiving then Trade week is the NBA's big key party!!! (Its all fun and games until someone goes home with Scott Skiles!!! Damn Skiles he always sneaks 3 sets into the bowl, old swingers trick!!!) Everyone was anticipating the mega-trades, player moves that would realign the balance of power but lets face it this is what the NBA trade deadline turned into: a game called "Osbournes" played by NBA GMs where they pretend Larry Hughes is a giant ham and they try and throw him over their neighbors fence when he's not looking. Whats astonishing about Larry Hughes (aka "L-Boogie" aka "Cold Mountain" aka "His Majestys Secret Service" aka "The Coy Mister") is not his game but the size of his dowry!

Larrys career has answered the question many league scouts had when he was first drafted and that question was : "I wonder what would happen in we gave Victor Page 100 million dollars?"

There was even a crazy rumor that Cold Mountain would be coming back to the Verizon Center (home of the "Unlimited Minutes" rookie plan!) But the Wizards and Ernie Grunfeld stayed put, hey if it aint broke why fix it! Even though they made no moves, The Big G said he got lots of calls all week from keen GMs. But it turned out they were mostly prank calls from John Nash posing as keen GMs begging for the contracts of Etan Thomas and Mike James.

The other thing that got NBA fans afluster last week was the article in the New York Times by Michael Lewis about the Secret Life of Shane Battier.

Read it! Its the talk of basements everywhere!

Its about the irony of the power of math proving that u shouldnt always trust numbers.

Its about how Shane Batier is a basketball tortoise, plodding and predictable but how he wins the race because tracy mcgrady fell asleep at the Wendys drive through.

Its about how what sports somehow needs MORE stats because those stats are like secret runes and if you stare at them long enough you will see a magic 3-D picture of David Lee teaching Nate Robinson checkers.

The article says this:

that there are certain players who are like "Lego" pieces, that help teams come together and play better even though those players dont show up in the box score. It says that they dont let their statistical handicaps stop them from their dreamz! It says that Shane Battiers have invisible strengths, they are quiet chemists, they are stealth talents. Well as stealth as a talent can be who was a famous college basketball star, and top NBA draft pick, and given millions of dollars for his talents and shows them every night live in person in front of thousands and thousands of fans and coaches and players and scouts and analysts and hundreds of thousands more on live television. Its the worlds easiest Wheres Waldo!

shane battier

Well one thing is clear. Whatever you describe these Bagger Vances of the NBA as: Legos, or glue, or Capselas, one thing is for sure - the washington wizards dont have any of them on their roster!

Another thing is clear is that this signals the beginning of the "moneyball" era of basketball.

And it scares us! Because we liked the old system run by weary, old school scouts who operated on a gut hunch, wise old fools who don't need a college degree to know how to watch a basketball game. They didnt use shortcuts like "math". They did it the hard way, they criss crossed the country by bus, scribbled names on napkins, met crooked refs in bars, made awkward calls from public phones to their estranged daughters and hung up when they asnwered.   Because sure that damned VHS machine is at that high school game just like the old scout but only one of them knows where to look and only one of them is smoking a cigarette inside the gym.

We personally dont want to get between the spreadsheets cuz we dont want hoops to become baseball becsaue we want to follow a REAL sport not A GIANT NUMBERS CUD that everyone sits around chewing on and thats what we fear from the moneyballers and their rattling of sabermetircs, because even though they are saying numbers lie they are just saying that so they can usher in their own army of numbers, A NEW MATH of "clutch adjusted +/-" and "player efficiency rating" and "IPG: Influences per Game"

ME PROTEST THOU DOST THINK TOO MUCH!!!!!!



First of all professor calculus , mostly u are busy trying to solve the nose on your own face. SOme of this stuff donesnt need 2 be so hard. Like u know they have this thing that tracks cumulative player "+/-" in real time? Its called a SCOREBOARD!

Also we fear this new era will lead to the cold faith of STATISTICAL DETERMINISM, that a man can only ever go as far in life as his numbers next thing we know we have a soft but deadly stat-racism and APBRmetricians will be telling young boys "dreams are nice but 3 point specialist isnt a realistic career for you son, your Pace Adjustment figures are just too low"

And also we fear the use of math to make revisionist proofs that upset the natural order of the game we love. Its only a matter of time until someone proves that Brian Cardinal has better court vision than Larry Bird, or that Michael Ruffin led the league in "Real Scoring" in 2004 or until some ambitious stat boy uses the Career Assist Totals of Juan Dixon to prove the existence of Negative Numbers!!!!!!








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Thursday, February 05, 2009
 
all star nba logo

The NBA announced last week that they are going to nerd up spice up this years All Star weekend with games of H-O-R-S-E. Its true: the All-Star game has grown staler than an Abe Pollin cake. The league has been tinkering with the program for years, trying to liven things up, but we just don't think HORSE is the answer.

Well the ESPN TRUEHOOP NETWORK INCITE MACHINE has come up with a banging list of suggestions for All Star weekend!!!!

CHECK EM OUT HERE!

Then check out our suggestions below:


SEAN KEMP FATHER & SON 2-BALL
NBA father and sons compete in a 2-on-2 tournament.
Potential teams include: "Jellybean" and Kobe Bryant, Bill and Luke Walton, Stan and Kevin Love, Henry and Mike Bibby, Dolph and Danny Schayes, Rick and Jon or Brent Barry.

Winning team invited to the WNBA All-Star Game to play an exhibition match against Pamela and JaVale McGee.


"C-R-A-B"
Similar to H-O-R-S-E but players must execute 3 steps before each shot attempt.


THE NEW YORK POST HOOP SKIRT PAGEANT
Young female hopefuls compete for the chance to be selected as Stephon Marbury's summer intern.


MASCOT PENTATHALON
NBA players compete against defending champion Gilbert Arenas in five mascot disciplines:

-Trampoline Dunk Contest
-Timed Burrito Handout
-Trike Race
-T-Shirt Gun Rafter Shoot
-Shoplifting in Costume



gilbert arenas trampoline


"DAGGER!"
Based on a game every boy loved to play growing up.
Players compete in a full court 1-on-1 competition, with a 4 second shot clock.
Contestants are required to do their own running play-by-play commentary.

THE JIMMY THE GREEK ASPERGERS SKILLS CHALLENGE
TV commentators try to out do each other in an uncomfortable roundtable on the "physiology of race in basketball".


SKINS GAME
Another twist on the game of H-O-R-S-E, featuring 5-on-5 prize-money match play between circumcised All-Stars and their uncircumcised rivals.


"ENTOURAGE"
An anything goes, round robin battle-royal between All-Star entourages.
There is no limit to the number of participants.
Angry moms may tag in from the crowd at anytime.


PAIRS FREESTYLE
NBA players partner with rapper friends in a unique 2-on-2 contest. On the court, the players face off in a traditional 1-on-1 competition, while their respective rap stars engage in a sideline dis track battle. Rappers alternate on the mic based on which player has possession of the ball. Game continues until one of the rappers retires.

Confirmed teams: DeShawn Stevenson and Proverb, LeBron james and Jay-Z, Chris Webber and Nas, Chris Paul and Lil' Wayne, Kenyon Martin and Trina.

Old-timers division: Cedric Ceballos and Sadat X, Charles Oakley and Atlantic Starr.


and finally, please bring back the....

ALL-STAR MEDIA SHOWER!!!!
Member of the press strip down for group shower, while the athletes fire questions at them. Simulcast in Spanish!




.. .. .. .. .. .. ..

NEW! BONUS EVENTS from wizznutzz intern CHRIS MILLER:

Limo Shoot Off
Round I - Pairs of NBAers try to shoot bottles of Cristal off heads of Eastern European limo drivers lined up at half court
Round II - In separate, sound-proof booths, each team member has one minute to give their version of what happened in Round I. Answers compared by host city police for discrepancies in time line, etc... Plaxico Burress, Mark Furman and Phil Spector are celebrity judges.

EuroZone Stars of Tomorrow
Five-minute exhibition scrimmmage featuring 10 top Eastern European 17 year-olds. All 10 play offense simultaneously, no defense.

Free Agent Limbo Contest, by Priceline.com
In a crossover promotion with MLB and Priceline, Manny Ramirez and Stephon Marbury have a limbo-off, while fans text in bids for their services, starting with "Stephon Marbury can paint my house for $300."

Chris Gatlin Salary Cap Number Retired
To teach the newest generation of NBA fans about the struggles of the early days of the salary cap system, the All-Star weekend will honor Chris Gatlin. Without Gatlin's salary, perfectly sized to level up the cap hits of swapping starting players, no trade would have been possible in the NBA from 1993 to 2001. His record of playing for 38 NBA franchises in 1998, including both sides of Game 3 of the Nets-Heat playoff series after a rare half-time trade, will likely never be broken. His cap number of $822,467.83/remaining games in the season will be retired.

Feed My Family Cook-Off
Latrell Sprewell gives rookies one hour, a theme ingredient and $78 million to prepare dinner for a family reunion.

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Friday, January 23, 2009
 

nba academy awards

2009 ACADEMY AWARDS

Nominees for
Best NBA Player
in a Lead Role: Actor
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar |Odds: 13-1

"Hakim" - Game of Death (1978)

It's very rare to have 2 industry icons share the screen together. And very special. Robert Deniro and Al Pacino, Paul Newman and Robert Redford, Marvin Brando and Nacho Arenas. And now, Abdul-Jabbar and Lee. Fresh off his Golden Globe nomination for "Airplane!", Abdul-Jabbar drew critical raves for doing all his own stunts.



. . . . . . . . . . . .

Gheorghe Muresan |Odds: 8-1

"Max Zamphirescu" - My Giant (1998)

A popular favorite. Its chances are hurt somewhat by the ugly reception the film recieved in Romania, where it as released under the title "The Abe Pollin Story" and triggered widespread riots. (Not to mention the high profile "gypsy curse" that was placed on the film's star, Billy Crystal, a curse that is believed to render its victims 'soft, old and gratingly nostalgic.')

WATCH

. . . . . . . . . . . .

Xavier McDaniel |Odds:30-1

"Himself" - Singles (1992)

With the wide success of Brokeback Mountain, homoerotic films have gripped America by its pliant buttocks, and the Academy acknowledges this progressive shift with a brave nomination. But the X-Man simply doesn't get enough screen time to warrant serious consideration here.



. . . . . . . . . . . .

Bernard King |Odds: 15-1

"Hustler" - Fast Break (1979)

Coming off an Emmy win for his work as Matt Ferguson in Miami Vice (watch), King upstages Gabe Kaplan in the year's boldest, most outrageous, genre-bending performance.



. . . . . . . . . . . .

Jahidi White |Odds: 2-1

"Kronnan" - Showdown at Area 51 (Alien v Alien) (2007)

The consensus front-runner. Recognized widely for his best-selling advice book "Things I Learned From Jahidi", the versatile talent proves he can act as well. White stars in this straight-to-DVD release as a hulking, silent monster who terrorizes young recruits. A student of the Stanislavski school of method acting, White prepared for this role by drawing on his experiences with the Washington Wizards: "In scenes that required I terrify the soldier boys with my plasma-shooting weapon, I tried to visualized the scene in my head. I imagined we were in the lockeroom, and they were all Steve Blake. That really helped me find my character."



Jahidi's IMDB Page
Jahidi and Steve: An Original Animated Short from Finland.

. . . . . . . . . . . .

Reggie Theus |Odds: 100-1

"Male Victim" - Salo (Salo o le 120 Giornate di Sodoma) (1975)

One of the year's bravest performance, but the odds are stacked against Theus. Pier Paolo Pasolini's controversial film, with its shocking depictions of brutal sadism, is simply too strong for the more traditonal Academy. Theus' scenes were banned in Australia, and it would be inapproprite to show a clip here.

Instead, you might enjoy this documentary short: "Elk Hunting with Reggie Theus." The film is shot in extended takes, and features a great deal of whispering and camouflage. It's an unsettling work in its own right. David Denby described it as "a frank mumblecore remake of Malick's The Thin Red Line."



. . . . . . . . . . . .

Patrick Ewing |Odds: 5-1

"Angel Of Death" - Exorcist III: Legion (1989)

A young Ewing is brilliantly cast against type as the Angel of Death in a brief but pivotal role. The surreal scene features a Who's Who of hollywood heavyweights: George C Scott, Samuel Jackson, Fabio... but Ewing holds his own. "We must of did a hundred takes," says Ewing. "The director wanted a real specific look. He said he wanted me to look in my expression like i was wearing a soulless, inpenetrable mask. It was hard. The take they finally used I didn't even know they were filming. I was just tired from all the takes we had done and was just thinking about eating some baked beans and then they yell 'Cut! Perfect!'"

Scene begins at the 6:55 mark:



. . . . . . . . . .



This was a big year for Indies. Many NBA actors` were overlooked for their work in major studio releases.

Most notably:

Ray Allen in "He Got Game" |WATCH

Alex English in "Amazing Grace and Chuck" | WATCH

Julius 'Dr. J" Erving as Moses Guthrie in "The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh" |WATCH

Allan Houston in James Toback's "Black and White" |WATCH

Rick Fox for multiple projects. The hardest working baller in the business. but a perennial award's season snub, Fox is fast becoming the Klaus Maria Brandauer of his NBA generation.

John Salley as "Hacker" Fletcher in "Bad Boys I & II"

Darius Miles in "The Perfect Score" |WATCH

Bo Kimble in Rick Telander's "Heaven Is A Playground", a crossover sleeper that was very popular with white people. The Academy was simply not ready for a film this poignant. |WATCH

Greg Ostertag's arresting debut as Joe Sparks in "Eddie"

Shaquille O'Neal in "Steel" |WATCH
"Steel" received a single nomination, for Best Adapted Screenplay, but was disqualified soon after when it was discovered that the film had been made by High School students.

and some of the years best small screen work were not eligible:

Chris Webber's performance in "New York Undercover", James Worthy's Klingon warrior Koral, and Robert Horry's 4-episode turn in the soap opera "Passions".


Hop on the comments board and nominate any roles not on this list! You are encouraged to invent roles! Players appearing as themselves do not count!

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