Its also not the first time we have "gotten into bed" with an NBA player. During the 97 bullets summer league, Jimmy Oliver slept at our place for a couple weeks when money was tite. Head to toe! He credits the experience with helping him find God! Now we have both reached our dreams: us selling charles Oakley's clothes and Jimmy balling for Jesus' Atheltic Ministry. Dear J.A.M., please redeem andray blatche!
Monday, August 25, 2008
DNC CONVENTION SWAG ALERT!!!!
We love the convention!
Especially how the Democrats chose Cameo's song "Candy" to introduce Michelle Obama!!!
You're like a brand new feeling In a special way A surprise package On a bright clear sunny day And wrapped up tight
So Good! Sooo Goooood!!!!
And we celebrating the convention in style!!!
Back in '79, way back before John McCain was in diapers, Barack Obama was a basketball standout at Bali Ha'i aka an Hawaain prep school called "Punahou". Haha 'Punahou'!!!! Boggle that !!! He was a swift lefty baller went by the name "Barry O'Bomber" but his friends called him "Barry" or "Spare Change".
Now the Mothering Hut brings you the most awesome ....
August Strindberg grinning with pure joy as he poses with Agent Zero at a shoe signing in Malaysia
Wizznutzz and Gilbert 4EVER!!! like Peaches and Herb say, "me minus you is a lonely ride!!!!" We r Like Heckle and Jeckle, like Phil and Steve, like Muskrat Jonas and Muskrat Jarvis!!!!!
We been quiet here for a while cuz when Gil holds out we hold out, and damned straight u know If Gil had walked we had walked. What u think wizznutzz would stay if they let Agent Zero go? That we would be jilted at the altar like olde Miss Havsih-Slam, spiralling into a madness of WHERESTHECAKE and animated 9/11 patriotic bacon gifs ???? Hell no boy, if Gil had gone, we would have packed and rolled: grabbed the Finnish boy, the poet, the naked Maury Chaykin pix the naked Ken Beatrice and the key to the Circuit City mens room and hopped on the first SARS Xpress outta town cuz where gil goes we go like hungry Ramora on an anacostia snakehead!!!!!
But we knew all along he would come back to dime at five. It was classical Gilbert. Like Chris Webber say: "2 Much Drama"!!!!! Gil and Ernie and Twan did their little dance: Gil said Ernie, "I wanna be a Wizard, but Not without my daughter!!!!" And then Antawn Jamison told Ernie "I wanna grow old with you!!" and then Ernie told Gil: "Heres 126 Million dollar check from Abe Pollin made out to Juwan Howard. I can get you one just like it" and then Gilbert thought to himself "If there's a speed of sound and a speed of light is there a speed of smell?" and then he thought to himself "What can i do for my family with $127 million that I can't do with $111 million??" And then he did the math. No, not the math that says that the 16 million xtra dollars invested today would be worth another whole $127 million when his son turns 40, but the math of getting a quote from the firm of Oscar and Lucinda Architects for the all-glass basketball museum of his dreams and he found that for only $111 million he could he get the glass museum built AND fill it with rare Randell jackson Bnei Hasharon Israeli Premier League jerseys AND install a gorgeous custom Jeff Koons chrome balloon sculpture of Calbert Cheaney AND even have money left over to install the actual Calbert Cheaney!!!
Gil thought to himself, "I can have my glass museum and add help the team add a key piece to help us win a championship". Hey it doesnt matter that the "key piece" might turn out to be "AwveeStorey". Its the thought that counts!! Did Rod STrickland take less money so the team could wrap up Tyrone Nesby long-term??? HELL NO! and now TNez is Vilinius' Most Notorious, blowing up big on the International scene while Rod got no rings and lost it all in the great subprime halfsmoke bubble of '02!!
16 Mil is still good money to leave on the table. And its money on the table for 6 years, which means maybe the team could use some of it to finally put head atheltic trainer Eric Waters through college!!!!
It didnt hurt that owner Abe Pollin personally called up Gil and said
"You're my boy Gilbert. You remind me of a young Wes Unsled. You see there are two kind of people in my life these days Gilbert. Those who remind me of a young Wes Unseld, and those who remind me of a certain old jew-hating President. I'm going to make you a rich man Gilbert and all you have to do is win us a goddarned championship. Dammit I may be old but I'm a stubborn sonovabich and I'm a goddamned fighter and I'm going to outlive that goddmaned hillbilly Jimmy Carter and win us a c**ting championship if its the last f**kdamned thing I do."
Gil and Twan werent the only big stories in the offseason.
Fan favorite Roger Mason cashed out and was hired as the new editor at Deadspin!!!!
Mase is very excited about the opportunity!!!
"We are very excited about this opportunity. Like many young boys, we always dreamed about being an editor for Deadspin. We never thought this day would come true. We are humbled and ready to step in and contribute right away"
While we r so sad to be losing Mase, we are at least happy that he has found a good new home at Deadspin, Gawker's crown jewel... the salty-plump, turgid Big Bite amid the mottled, snapless specimens that turn on the oily rollers of Nick Denton's oily empire of wordy bitchmeats.... We love Nick Denton!!! Hes the Gay Tom Knott!!!!
And there was also the NBA Draft! Everybody has napoleonic incites about the draft. Its easy to be John Junior Mockdraft and say "u gotta take this guy John Nash!!!!" but things dont always go that way. Like just ask Juan Carlos Navarro!!. And Like in '06 when everyone was high on Quincy Douby and he turned out to be a Seth Rogen/Jack Klugman movie that is still stuck in pre-production!
We would just be happy to draft a starter for once. SOmeone who quite pans out. We had had our hopes set on Nathan Jawai, the first Aboriginie ever in the NBA!!!! We never even saw him play, but after seeing the DeShawn Stevenson japes on primetime TV last season, we just wanted to hear Hubie Brown explaining the "Point The Bone" gesture to the espn audience!!!
And we had hopes of getting Kevin Love, son of former Bullet Stan Love!!!
Kevin inherited his dads hoops skillzz! Better even, he inherited his dads huge stash of homegrown crying weed!! But most of all we had our hopes on drafting the cheeky little imp Petteri Koponen!!!!
aka "KID NOKIA" aka "THE FINNISH RIFLE!!!!!" No Sleep Til Helsinki!!!!
Out beloved intern Jaarko is from Finland! And he has had quite a summer since Petteri got drafted. Jaarko has been all over TVs in Finland on the talking shows as an expert of Basketball. The whole country in Finaland has been following Kid Nokia. He is most loved athelete since national hero Sulo Bärlund embarrassed Hitler by taking silver in the shot put at the Berlin Olympics in 1936!!!
Kid Nokia played great in the Vegas Summer league, which they called in Finland MOOMINSUMMER MADNESS. Kid Nokia's first summerleague game had a TV rating in Finland of 98.7!!!!!! Thats almost the whole country watching including TVs in prisons and madhouses! Jaarko has been so busy doing the talk circuit - hes been on all the biggest shows, like "Cold Mämmi" and "Aito Sports w/ Topi Köstas" which caused a big stir on the internet when Jaarko was ambushed by Grööp Gropinggar, the bestselling author of "Tuesdays with Magnus"!!!! Grööp erupted and lost his mind!!!
He yelled at Jaarko: "Jaarko you seem like a bright guy but quite frankly I think you are full of paska!!!! I have some of your incites here in my hand from your blög "wizznutzz.com" and they are most outrageous and full of impolite spellings. Maybe you say blögs are wonderful for us but I say they are hevonpaska!!!!"
It was very awkward!!!! I could tell Jaarko was nervous because he was doing that little thing with his hands that he always does when he's nervous - masturbating.
And then Ernie unveiled his most ambitious project yet, a spruce goose of a kid goes by the name JaVale McGee.
But we call him
THE VALE OF CASHMERE
The skinny on the skinny:
7 foot tall. Armspan = 2 fathoms. 2 Team All-WAC. 1st Team MAD magazine Writer's Group.
First thing we thought when we saw JaVale McGee play was.... "Tracy Morgan has AIDs?!???"
The second thing we thought was "Wow this kid is RAW!!!!"
I mean we know Ernie likes em raw. Ernie aint building a bench, Ernies building a Sushi bar. But the Vale? The Kids raw!!!! How raw?? The Vale so raw he only picked up a basketball for first time 2 years ago when he was 5 foot 4 and the University of Nevada told he they didnt have a Quidditch program!!! Hes more rookie raw than Gilbert's Mons Pubis!!! He's so raw he got 'Goodnight Moon' tattooed on his back!!! Hes so raw he sings when he laces up his sneaks:
Make a teepee. Come inside. Pull down tight so we can hide. Around the mountain... here we go!? Here's my arrow. Here's my bow.
WE watched the VALE play in the moist and jumpy paradise that is summerleague!
We learned that the Vale may either be the second coming of Kwame Brown, or - fingers crossed! - the first coming of Kwame Brown!!!
What else did we learn from Summerleague games???
We learned that Dee Brown raps and that he barrels into the lane with the panicked violence of a wild pig startled from the bush.
We learned that Vladimir Veremeenko is slighter, prettier, than we expected. We learned that he has bangs that are blond, expensive, and hands that are soft, expensive.
We learned of a kid named ELGAR, who has a 19th century hypnotist's name and an elegiac game.
We learned that Nick Young gets altitude sickness from his learning curve.
We learned that THE TASER is set to stun! And that he's having a baby! And that ANdray "ENDLESS SUMMER" Blatche is interviewing nannies!
But the Wiz arent the only ones working hard this summer!!! We came by the MoHut and found Ken Beatrice had gone Rumplestiltskin and....
Deeee-lux quality!!! On heavyweight name brand shirts!!! using the supple blood of Michael Westbrook!
(There are a couple exceptions: for now our custom shirt line, and the popular BLING ZER0 and BULLETS FEVER shirts are still made using the hi-quality printing of our old spreadshirt sweatshop!! This means right now you can still buy these shirts, but you just combine the shipping with the rest of the swag from our store...)
What does silk screening mean??? It means we will be able to bust out fancier designs and use more colors in our shirts fro n ow on!!!!
What's cooking on Agent Zero's fire bowl? Chicken? Shrimp? Black Mamba? It's all good. Only one thing matters: when Gilbert Arenas lights it up, you better step back or you're gonna' get burned! "HIBACHI!" Savor the snack-downs in our declious Hibachi tshirt!
Who is the man Who is an 18-time all-star? YAZ! Right on... Who is the man That leads the Red Sox in career RBIs, runs, hits, singles, doubles, total bases, games played, and who last won baseball's triple crown? YAZ! You're damn right! He's one bad son of a Skonieczny! For 23 years he was the heart and soul of the Boston Red Sox. Carl Yastrzemski, the man they call 'Yaz'.
My parents fled to the suburbs and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!!! White Flyte: The Pride of Suburbia! The White Flyte have been tearing up well-funded exurban rec. leagues for over two decades: from Atlanta, to DC, to Philly, to Cleveland. Don't be ashamed of your Beltway Outsider status! Diversity = Death! Your parents knew that years ago when they piled the young family into the station wagon and headed into the wild mild, out past the Dockers outlet store, like modern day pioneers. White Flyte basketball is uptempo basketball - it's all about running! Take your skills, and head to the hills, in one of our signature, authentic, fashionably honest White Flyte throwback tees!
Monday, July 30, 2007
The sports world has been smeared with scandal recently, from the bad blood of the Tour de France to the boneyard at Chais Vick to the Gameshark hearings of the pro XBox circuit to crooked ref Tim Donaghy. ANd its only gonna get worse in the coming days. Wait till Phil Mushnick opens the anonymous letter in his mailbox that details the mysterious $200,000 prop bet placed 3 days before Jarvis Hayes won "Best Dressed Wizard" even though Jarvis was wearing a 'Johnny Dangerously' promotional windbreaker and a pair of borrowed Sears Braggin Dragon tennis shorts. The real reason Wiz President Susan O'Malley resigned???
And then theres Barry Bonds whos causing for more awkward squirming in white men than a Tears for Fears concert!!!
To commemorate Barry's Big Chase, we have climbed into the mothering hut and emerged with TWO glorious tribute tees!!!
Plus we emerged with the awesome phrase "Braided-belt Belt"!! CHuck Klosterman offered us a Leonard Hamilton rookie card and a Starsailor mix-tape for exclusive rights to the phrase but we said no Jose B!!! Our incites r open source my friend!
Among baseball's royals, there is none more regal than Hank Aaron, the people's Home Run King, and his 755, the true crown.
Whether you want to celebrate Hank, or just protest the pretender to his throne, you'll feel unbreakably chic in our majestically detailed Home Run King Tee.
Available in a variety of hammerin' colors and styles, including metallic gold and Atlanta Braves throwback blue and red.
Shirts as cheap as $12 with our $5 coupon!!!
TAINTED LOVE Our Cryptically Commemorative Barry Bonds Home Run Record T-Shirt
Unlike Barry Bonds, our Tainted Love t-shirt testifies, testifies to the fact that sometimes, numbers do lie!
756 is a big number. A milestone. A number as big and bulbous as the very head on Barry's shoulders.
But for many people - especially the Holy Joes of sports-talk, the baseball bourgeois, the Dave & Buster moralists, and the vast pious swaths of America's "Braided-belt Belt" - 756 is as tainted as a crate of Chinese Topol.
When Barry passed Hammerin Hank, he wrote himself into the great annals of sporting achievement, and he wrote himself into its timeline of infamy.
(The words "taint" AND "annals" on one page?! Bring it on Google!!!)
This shirt celebrates sports history's more dubious achievements, its most notorious statistics, its numerology of shame.
A great shirt for trivia geeks, history buffs, and general haters alike!
Check out the tainted love page too see how many numbers you guessed and vote for the most tainted number in sports!!!!
15 Brand New Hilarious SLogan Tees to choose from, in classic Pop Warner lettering!!!
Everyone loves sports! Everyone loves sayings. And everyone love clothes. Even Steve Blake! We put them all together!
Plus you can MAKE YOUR OWN T-SHIRT for as little as $15, $10 after coupon! Dress your whole bobsled team!
Send u photos of your custom shirt for our gallery and we'll give you fame and MoHut shopping credits!!! 10 Bucks! That's Darvin Ham money! At those prices, imagine the Mothering Hut as your own personal sweatshop. But without the long hours, industrial accidents, and forced smiles when Michael Jordan tours the factory floor.
We dont know what is more satisfying, hearing TK saying the word "Brilliant" or saying the words "CheeseBoot"!!!! (ringtone coming soon!)
This means now that MoHut swag has been worn by stars of PArdon The Interruption AND Pardon The Weeping!!!
It is also the first time we have been on Tonys show since we put ANdy Pollin up for sale on eBay!!! The government of Bangladesh is still furious that their winning bid wasnt honored!!! Especially after they were so convinced by the testimonials:
"My Polley arrived last week, and it was ready to go, right out of the box. The instructional video was so helpful: I was riding my Polley in minutes!" ---J. Hutto, SIlver Spring, MD
"I liked my Polley so much, I bought one for every room in the house! The best thing is, now I don't have to fight with my wife and kids for control of the Polley! Thanks Andy Polley!" ---S. Daly, Ocean City, MD
"I purchased the optional Polley Pants and suddenly I'm the most popular lady at the home. Now every day I feel like the teenager I once was --- springtime in Rhodesia , a young woman , apprehensive with my budding sexuality, and yet nervously excited with it's promises! " --- R.S. Smutts
"My Polley is alert and likes to perform routine tasks. Andy Polley is so Right On!" ---George Kennedy
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Wizznutzz are in process of moving to our summer sublet! SOrry 4 delayz but turns out Rehobeth Parks Dept doesnt allow Medical "Sharps" Disposers to be placed on beach!! They say MD suburbanites have enough TB and bad tattoos!!!
In a few days we will be backing up the incite truck and dropping big load of offseason scouting and season wrap up and some very special Gods Mixtape jeep beats!
Meantime no rest in the Mothering Hut, aka 'JPeterman SOuthEast' where we are churning out tomorrow's indian slum fashions today!
"You have just been taken with the #1 overall pick in the draft. You get a photo-op with the commissioner, a hat from the owner, and one of these t-shirts from your agent.
In the big leagues, a man is only as big as his representation. And if you have a contract negotiation coming up and you want the MAX then you don't want Master P or your cousin Shaun at the table. You want one of these superagents: Drew Rosenhaus, the Jack Nicholson of the NFL Draft Show, and David Falk, whose company got $120 million guaranteed for Juwan Howard.
These sharks rose to the top of the food chain through a combination of Machiavellian cunning and casino manager flattery. A contract with their signature on it is not just bloated, it's Faustian. You may sign the checks, but don't forget for a second who works for who.
You've been owned. Say it loud and say it proud with one of our superagent tees.
If you are Alonzo Mourning this shirt may be tax-deductible."
"The OTB is your neighborhood's last remaining holdout against gentrification. A place where a man can get away from the pressures of work, family, and modern dentistry. The only place in town where you can still smoke, and quickly parlay the week's paycheck into a serious bank roll, or at the least a couple quarts of Buckfast Tonic Wine.
It doesn't matter if you play the quarter horses, standard breds, or Australian trotters: if you are going to lose the shirt off your back, it might as well be our classic OTB t-shirt, the latest in off-track betting fashion. "
Available in a range of styles and colors. In men's, women's, and by popular demand: children's.
When you were a kid, there were a few things that always let you know it was Saturday morning:
-Sleeping in! -The Baseball Bunch on TV! -Picking up mommy's empty beer cans!
The Baseball Bunch was a zany pioneer in sports EDU-tainment. It starred Johnny Bench, the San Diego Chicken (an uncredited Jeremy Irons), and Tommy Lasorda as "The Dugout Wizard." Each week they would be joined by Major Leaguers and would teach a group of multicultual kids the DOs and DON'Ts of baseball and life:
DO field grounders with both hands DON'T sleep with a teammates wife
DO hustle on the base path DON'T lie about your age
DO follow through DON'T follow Tommy Lasorda to the bar!
It was a gentler, sweeter, more retro time, before Amber Alerts, when kids played in jeans, and mascots had production deals.
Recapture that youth with our old school Baseball Bunch logo shirts. Available in a number of styles and colors: including Orioles black and orange and tees for the KIDS and the LADIES!
-ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT FOILED! SOmeone tampered with Gilberts Bidet!! Luckily Gil was clear of the blast and when he saw the flames, yelled "HIBACHI!", called security, and cooked them breakfast right over the deadly can!!
-Secret Service detail appointed to protect Awvee Storey!!! Do you know what the Secret Service code name is for Awvee??? Hop on the comments board and tell us!!!
-Claim by former college roomate that Gilbert "used cheat codes" dismissed as "politcally motivated"
-Arsenio Hall invites Gilbert to play the Saxaphone on his show!
-In a move to consolidate power, AGENT "00" aka Weng Weng is appointed head of the FBI. Opens "Un-American Activities" file on Mike Krzyzewski!
-Jerry Stackhouse books 8-day sleepover in Lincoln Bedroom!
-Black Presidents vow to balance budget by dissolving the military, replacing it with a spartan army of the countrys finest 300 soldiers!
- Gil takes 'Vagina Power' host Alexyss Tylor out for a $2.99 plate of shrimp at Long John Silvers, gets prayed up, offers her position of US Surgeon General!
When he asks her about how he can improve his defense, she advises:
"with a penis all up in your vagina, man you dont have no defenses!"
-August Strindberg scores book deal to write sequel to Fear And Loathing On the Campaign Trail, and a whole spin-off line of "Fear and Loathing" books, loads up Cadillac with hay, absynthe, ether and angst.
VOTE FOR THE BLACK PRESIDENTS!!
Stuff the ballot box next November! U know Gilbert will be!
What was Etan doing in an Outback Steakhouse? Was he advocating equal pay for the aboriginal crouton chefs? Or was he taking advantage of the bonus per diem that Wiz players receive in exchange for Ernie Grunfeld chartering Outback's "BLOOMIN ONION 1" airship to fly in coveted free agents?
For Gilbert losing the ability to run is just uncruel and unnatural, like pushing a waxed wombat down a slide. He cant bare it. Just lying there in the dark, listening to the gentle and pitiless lapping of the bidet, feeding the steady gurgle of visions in his mind. The worlds greatest dreams often begin at the lip of a fountain, as do its greatest nightmares...
We are worried about what this isolation will do to Gil. We see 3 possibilities:
1. Gilbert loses all passion for the gaame and descends into deep spiral of depression that ends in a all-points bulletin involving Arenas, his half-brother Blue, a shipment of soviet-era ham and a Tampa-area Blimpies.
2. Gilbert summons all his inner drive and recommits himself even further to the game he loves.
3. Gilbert finds Jesus.
"Dear Lord. I know I havent slept in 5 days. But I knew when I saw David Duchovneys naked ass on "The Rapture" DVD last night that it was a sign. My health is low. I am out of ammo. If you stand with me at this time of need and help me defeat the Final Boss and get through to the next level I promise you I will dedicate my life to spreading the word."
Gilbert is forever changed. He renounces all his swag. He forgives all snubs. He abolishes all locker room area codes. He plays Gospel Gangstaz songs on his MySpace page. He becomes a faith healer, emboldened by a pair of unlikely miracles:
Like Lawrence Franks first girlfriend, the team is just trying to get over the hump!
But its fun seeing springs first young, learning how to fly. People are talking with hop about how DSong "sees the court" and how Etan 'Grand Mal' Thomas is "a force in the paint" and how Jarvis Hayes is "realizing his potential". It reminds us of the glorious days of Scott Lynns late 90s call-in postgame show, when folks be talking about how Tracy Murray just needs more minutes and Calbert Cheaney showed "fire" and Dana had a different man every night. This kind of talking is the OPTIMISTIC DEMENTIA that happens to THE LONG SUFFERING. Like when people say:
"Im glad i got cancer, it made me appreciate life!" or "Im not going to be delivering Papa Johns forever, Im just one audtion away from the big break!" or "Hip Hop is revolutionary music" or when your son hasnt learned to talk and just stares at the roof all day and as you wipe the drool of his 9 year old face, you announce: "Hes always looking up. Our boy is going to be an astronaut!"
Just a couple days ago the Penny Dreadfuls were chockity chocko with Petit-bourgeois analists stoking smithy's fires of woe and grief. Though seeing this photo of the Slack Pack:
did move my loins - hey FATHEAD can u make me a vinyl wall sticker of these squatters?? Awesome suit Ghitza... something tells me that 9XL Captain Stubing number wasnt off da rack!
Wilbon brought up the possibility of a CURSE. Yes we have had our share of curses, as we have talked about before. And we have flown too close to the sun before. And you know our motto here at wizznutzz wheaton Bureau: "The story of Washington basketball is the story of overcoming odds. But mostly is the story of not overcoming odds." Yes things were sure sad. August Strindberg's Hungarian Suicide Song ringtone seemed somehow shriller than usual. The wiz were suddenly staring down more barrels than Breaker Morant. But a wind of hope has blown through the room with a salty warmth, saltier and warmer than the time Gil shoved a slab of smoked bacon up the locker hand drier. Suddenly Lots of people have good positive attitudes about the Wizards Playoff picture and its new slogan: "The Producers! Now Starring Dolph Sweet Jr. and Brian Austin Green!"
ITS A NEW DAY, THE SUN RISES AGAIN ON MIDDLE-OF-THE-ALPHABET STREET, DARIUS SONGALIA MILKS HIS GOAT, LIFE GOES ON...
FIRST Gil had successful surgery and wrote about it on his blog and on his even more amazing other blog and seems to be in good spirits even though the doctors wouldnt let him control the orthroscopic camera with his HALO paddle. After some rehabbing with a shirtless Eddie Jordan on his moon-bounce G-Trainer treadmill, all the Final Boss guys came by to sign his cast, and Gil got up to lots of pranks to relieve the tension, clownin with the inpatients like it was scenes from the Fat Boys movie 'Disorderlies' that he made Mike Hall go and get from Best Buy.
Gil put ice in bedpans, had wheel chair races, walked around with his hospital gown open at the front, spoke like he wuz a pirate, called his own cellphone and said "Gilbert its me, theres been a terrible accident!", wrote "cut me off" on an unconscious ladys arm, wrote "Lesbian Money" on dollar bills, replaced seizure medication with candy Runts, convinced Awvee Storey to donate a kidney, and smothered James Lang with a pillow!
[timeout: who is telling phil mickelson to wear those silky synthetic tshirts with the super-tight collars? PMix looks like a Manatee that got entangled in a discarded Hefty bag! AND Hey Josh Boone, Cypress Hill wants their ugly white guy back!]
Gilbert doesnt waste any time and on his website invites people to submit "CHALLENGE VIDEOS" showing in 30 seconds or less something they can do thats amazing and unique. The winners get free swag! Gil sets an age limit of under 25 so he cant stuff the entry box with his own videos, but Andray Blatche has already sent in a video that shows him bobbing for pancakes in the bath!
SECOND Beloved Agent Steinz raised the mood roof two of his sweetest posts in a season of posts so sweet it has been like if they wrote the Bible with Lik-m-Aid.
If you r a discouraged millionaire, hanging out with poor folks is such a great pick me up! Thats why Rod STricklnd only travels by bus! Laughter is the best medicine, except it your real poor then medicine is the best medicine!
What a day it was:
-Under the cruel gaze of basketball media, Calvin Booth is usually dismissed as a 'poor man's Kevin Willis' but in the thankful eyes of the less fortunate he got to just be a 'poor mans Calvin Booth'!!
-"Then came Mike Hall, with the dinner rolls." It is not only greatest sentence ever, it is also the title of the new Raymond Carver anthology!
-Susan OMalleys sister Kathy dresses the whole family in Mothering Hut sweats!!!! -Susan OMalley danced! GWiz danced! Steinz why the hell is there no video?????? Stitch those clips together with some livestock safety footage, an Eastern Motors commercial and the last 20 minutes of the Russian dub of 'Jack Frost' and youve basically got "WIZZNUTZZ: THE MOVIE"!!!!
-"Then some kids who called themselves SB, Serious Business, came out and performed three raps, all of which involved the Pollins. Like the first lyric of the first rap started thus: "Yeah, yeah, They say Abe Pollin is such a sensation...."
Got to give big props to SB.. they must be geniuses rappers because we all know there are only 3 words that rhyme with 'POLLIN". One of them is "Josh Brolin' and the othertwo are stenciled on Abe's medical alert braclet!!!!
-Steinz tries to stir a George Folenzbee Babbitt moment out of Mike Ruffin but to no availz:
"I typically don't get depressed"
-Drey Blatche hits on teenage girls, offering to be their prom date. "I bet your boyfriend's dont have one of these" says AB showing off his bullet scar. But a member of Serious Business quipped back "Yeah maybe, but we dont wear braces either!" The Andray "made it rain" with brocolli and headed for VIP!!
Bill Walton talks about how Gil is a real gone cat and how he loved the TAkeover and having jenuwine japes back in the association.
Then he talked about LEGACY. Be careful Bill, legacy isnt always when you think it will be once father time has climbed into bed next to it with scotch on his breath. Ayn Rand had hiNRG ideas about the Legacy of Objectivism, and sure its legacy can be found everywhere, but mostly inside the Applebees on Rockville Pike!!
Then Bill quotes the Machosensual gay militia-porn film "300":
You have to learn how "TO FIGHT IN THE SHADE!!!"
at which point Mike Ruffin stuck his head in a said, "Hey weird, ive got that same slogan engraved on my squirrel knife!"
Then the most moving of things happens. Eddie ""COld" Jordan walks up with his little son, Jackson Von Jordan, and comes up to Bill so his son can meet a legend, and Grateful Red leans down to Jacksons close and fills him with such young pride, spinning kind lies about how his Dad is the greatest coach in the NBA and once upon a time was the greatest player ever and invented dogs and all us old timers sit back and beam and think what goodness there is in the world and what a grand gesture, the young man must be proud and what an impression he will have for rest of his days, while in Jackson Von's small frightened mind he comes away only remembering a terrifying craggy white kaleidoscopic giant who is like a freaky extra from a Roald Dahl book that shall drive him in his older days to write Sadcore poetry about the fundamental cruelty of the natural world and to the sci-fi Karate-intensive fringes of the Nation of Islam.
THIRD Tuff Juice isnt going gently into the good night either! He sets up registration for
Carons Camp has the "THREE Ds" : Determination! Drive! Deer Urine! When a kid spends summer at Camp Caron they get memories, and skin conditions that last a lifetime! Expect all the japes of normal camping: SNipe hunts that end in gunfire, swapping Nair into the Nubian SIlk, scary campfire stories about the couple that found Marv Alberts bloody toupe in the back seat of their Lexus, and moonlight sneaking out to swim across the lake to the Alana Beard Camp only to to discover the girls already makin out with themselves!!!
FOURTH and perhaps most amazingly Wizards Dancer and wizznutzz MYSPACE FRIEND 'CECILIA' post a pick-me-up quote of inspiration on her bio page, and the quote is by August Strindbergs myspace friend: SOREN KIERKEGARD!!!!! "To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself." - S. Kierkegaard
Now motivating quotes are common on dancer pages, but usually they are from books like Marley And Me, or Tony Robbins bestseller "I Eat The Hearts of Fat Children For Breakfast!" or from that bane of girl's high-school yearbooks everywhere: Khalil Gibran (Eurobasketcom webmaster 1883-1931)
But Kierkegaard?!?!?!?! Maybe she picked up SoreK habit from Coach Lynams days, when he would write
This is what is sad when one contemplates human life, that so many live out their lives in quiet lostness . . . they live, as it were, away from themselves and vanish like shadows. Their immortal souls are blown away, and they are not disquieted by the question of its immortality, because they are already disintegrated before they die.
FINALLY... EVEN INTERN AUGUST STRINDBERG IS FEELING LIGHTER IN THE BURLAP!!!!
Straight Outta Norra Begravningsplatsen!!!
Some might think me an unhappy man. And it is true, just three days ago the caverns of Wizznutzz echoed with my despairing yowls -- much talk of cruel fate and pickling brine and wallowing in mine own feces and whatnot. The she-succubus had clenched her loins once again, and prickly darkness was closing in.
But suddenly a spark of light appeared in the fleshy night! And then a trembling fissure spiderwebbed its way down the dank walls! And then a gust of sweet wind blew forth, and my tongue wriggled with the taste of strawberries, and I found myself on a great green hill, back in Norra Begravningsplatsen, but the Norra Begravningsplatsen of my youth, before the decay and gonorrhea, and sheep were frolicking about and I was frolicking with them -- not the frolick of ignorant youth, but the frolick of a man who finally knows his confines, and thus his freedoms as well. Our fate is sealed, brothers -- but the rest is ours.
Onwards, Deshawn -- feel not your face! Onwards, Brown Hornet -- you know how to tie a necktie! Let Etan and Brendan embrace, let Ruffin set his reptiles free, let a thousand Blatches bloom!
And what broke me from my dank prison? Who was my guide into the light? In truth, there were two: Agent Steinz and Master Walton. Says Steinz: Smile. Says Walton: Fight in the shade. Says I: yes yes and yes!
Our thoughts of course turn to mighty Sisyphus. Says Brother Camus: His fate belongs to him. His rock is his thing. There is no sun without shadow, and it is essential to know the night. The absurd man says yes and his effort will henceforth be unceasing. He knows himself to be the master of his days, a blind man eager to see who knows that the night has no end, he is still on the go. The rock is still rolling. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man's heart.
My overcoat is as soiled as ever...but somehow the soilage is a sort of perfume. They can take it all away -- but they can never take this.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
MOTHERING HUT FASHIONS MAKE IT TO PRIME TIME!!!!
Its not as exciting as when cast of Dallas Reunion show all wore Pervis Ellison jerseys (We LUV u in retired mesh Char Tilt!!!) but still big news!!!
If you have been living under under a rock, then you have definitely seen "BLOG SHOW", starring Jamie Mottram of 'Cold Pizza' and Dan Steinberg of 'Hot Pocket'!!!
Its is part of Comcasts Washington Posts LIve brought to u by the Professionals Professional, Russ Thaler ladies and gentleman, who boasts 3 certifcates of completion from The Chad Bixby School of Cable Broadcastng!!!!!
AT first I thought it was a weird IDea:
like Charlie Mingus famously said,
"hosting a TV show about blogging is like LM(F)AO about Architecture"!!!!!
But "Blog TV" is more infectious than the SARS Express!!!! WE love the bell! "Everytime a Bell rings a blogger gets undressed in the dark!"
BUT EVEN THIS FINE NEWZ CAN NOT LIFT THE MOODS OF WIZZNUTZZ INTERN AUGUST STRINDBERG (1849 - 1912)!!!!
Straight Outta Norra Begravningsplatsen!!!
My overcoat cannot contain soilage of this volume; the sludge of disappointment, regret, and my own man-waste bubbles upwards, frothing about my upturned collar. The shrieks of the succubus...--ah, why even continue?
I should have known. No juice is tuffer than the fresh-squeezed brine of inevitable defeat. And that is the brine in which we shall pickle for the next six months, until fruitless hope worms up its bare Ruffinian head once again next October. ...But until then we have two more weeks of futile spasming, like a still-beating heart torn from a disbelieving man-breast.
Brothers Ike, Duck, and Pervis, soon I shall rejoin ye in Hades.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
NEW SMOKING HOT RALJON REDSKIN SHIRTS AT THE MOTHERING HUT! Choose from 3 designs!
RALJON, City Of The Future! T-shirt Raljon, Maryland: Land of promise, endless horizons, safe schools, monorails, Dana Stubblefield's ice cream truck... Redskin fans, celebrate this lost time of optimism!
Monday, February 05, 2007
We will have new, (violent) incites real soon but we are wizznutzz but also Rednutz! So we r teed about double-snub Hall of Fame weekend. Monk and Grimm left out again! They are retired so they cant avenge snubs on the field but Russ Grim vowed to eat 50 waffles when the Greyhound pulls over on way home from Canton!!!
In tribute to our Fore Skins, Mothering Hut releases two hot new Tees:
in Disrespect Dallas Blu and Grey and Burgundy and Gold!!!
Why the hell are you wearing a Terrell Owens shirt to a Skins game? Look again! Its Washington Redskins future Hall of Famer ART MONK! Of course Art is much too classy to show-up the Dallas Cowboys, but we can always dream!
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Wizards just cant be stopped whether its against "Leprechaun IV: All QUiet on the DeLonte Western Front" or the Throwdown in Motown. Hey is CWebb on the Tyra Banks diet??? 9 wins over .500 is like Ledell Eackles genome: uncharted territory! SOmetimez it doesnt even seem like Wiz r so good but just that suddenly everyone else seems so ugly around them. Its like the reason Steve Czaban has so many friends!
People say its team chemistry, like Karla K said to Michael J: "The whole is bigger than the parts" But make no mistake there is one reason we are so fine and its AGENT ZERO. He has reinvented his game once again, now he flies into the gaps like a running back, SWEETNESS. His swag is a roosters swag, a wake up call that runs low to the ground. He has such tite game because unlike all the other heisty shooters in the association, he isnt all about putting More Bounce To The Ounce but putting Pride To The Glide. My heart almost stopped vs Celtics when Gil went to the lockerrom and Donnel Taylor takes his place. Thats like going to see The Producers on broadway and you find out that for this performance role of Max Bialystock wont be played by Nathan Lane but instead by the cerebal palsy comic who was Blair's cousin Geri in Facts Of Life!
To celebrate our hero we end MOTHERING WEEK with mother of all T SHIRTS!!!!!:::
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
BREAKFAST SCOOPS FROM HONORARY INTERN AND COURT REPORTER UNSILENT MAJORITY:
BREAKING!...Barbosa was wearing Gil Zero's in his own team's colors. I tried to tell him he wasn't worthy but he wouldn't hear any of it.
Before the game started I was walking to the bar and I saw a kid (late teens I'm guessing) rockin' the green Agent Zero shirt from the Mothering Hut. Obviously I called out "WIZZNUTZZ BABY!" and he turned around to see my '98 Bench shirt. Good times all around...until the first quarter started.
one other thing...Clinton, Dockery, and Carlos were all sitting together courtside. I went up to Clinton and talked to him about his Creative Recreations...we have the exact same wardrobe only his shit is new and my shit is two years old.
THEN AFTER SUNS GAME we were sent GREATEST FAN FOTO EVER!!!
Not only do babes rock the Mothering Hut swag, but babes in swag attract Phil Chenier like a baby to bacon!!! Back at CLydes Phil jumped on the Piano and roused the crowd with a moving rendition Atlantic Stars "One Lover At A Time " while steve Buckhantz lined his pant's pockets at the Raw bar!!
To encourage more girls to wear MoHut gear, we have slashed prices on our ladies Agent Zero Tees! And they r now printed in superfly felt!!
AND FOR KIDS TOO!!!
Meantimes As Agent Steinz reports, WPGC has the finalists for its "VOTE FOR GILBERT POSTER CONTEST"
Most These things look like Missing Persons fliers at a Petworth bus stop... either that or the specials board at CLub ELite in Temple Hills!
In one of these gils wearing another teams jersey!!!!
Really , "Zapf Chancery" font is soooooooo "Vote for Robert Pack" circa 1998 .
Monday, January 22, 2007
NEW INCITES COMING SOON BUT FIRST...
MOTHERING WEEK DAY THREE!!!!
(OK actually we are now only going to have a four day 'Mothering Week' since we have too many shirts and you cant spend your whole drug trial stipend all on shirtz!!!!.. so one truly awesome shirt right now, one truly awesome shirt later this week, and the rest later!)
in ROMANIA: GHITZA= "LITTLE GHEORGHE" (Muresans nickname!) MARE INIMA= "BIG HEART"
77=GHEORGHE'S BULLETS JERSEY NUMBER AND HIS HEIGHT IN FEET AND INCHES !!
Gheorghe Muresan, the My Giant star and former Bullet big man, is one our favorite personalities, and is honored with one of our favorite shirts.
All Ghitza shirts are printed using a durable felt fabric that, like Big Gheorghe, is soft to the touch.
The Wizards recently appointed Ghitza as the franchise's official Suite Ambassador, but Muresan mistook the title for "Sweet Ambassador" and can be seen at games handing out bags of mixed Romanian lollies. We love the Peppermint Bog Gypsy Stix!!
Friday, December 29, 2006
Wizznutzz will soon return from holiday detention this weekend and are gathering incites around our ankles like they were NBA babies (HAppy BDAY IZela!) or NBA Pants (What is this rash Greg Ballard??).
mEANTIME the Wizards R burning faster that a gasoline-soaked monk! If they beat OLand tonite, they will be first DC team in 1st place this late in seazon since that lumbering campionship Meander-thal: the 78-79 Bullets!!!
With division crown wizards get home court advantage = Damon Jones drowned face down in the Tidal Basin!!!
Also last few days to get 20% discount Tees at the maybe not glitchyanymore MOTHERINGHUT!! Tees flying out the door!!! Send us action fotos of you in your new shirts! SOmebody even bought a"foreskin" shirt! send us a foto! Of shirt AND foreskin (for mothering hut "skins of fame" wall!)
Caron talks about his new chef "Christopher" who used to simmer down baked beans for Patrick Ewing during ":The Year of Magical Thinking" aka Ewings stint as assistanmt coach of Les Boullez! We love C-BUTZ and we cannot lie! he sdays he eats "things out of the water" in his new "regime"!!
While we are quietly eating holiday yule meats, Intern Auguist Strindberg never rests. Here is a Letter to City Paper that they refused to run!!!
Attention: Editor Washington City Paper
December 17, 2006
I write to bitterly protest the suggestion, as tendered in the (12/15) "Cheap Seats" column of your forsaken periodical, that I am not real. I assure you that this is, however regrettably, a damned feint. I am real, and I do not require the florid confirmations of your penny dreadful to make it so. I am as real as the astringent sting of absinthe in my throat. I am as real as the waking fatigue that reminds me once more of the woeful stalemate that is my godless enterprise. And I am as real as the desiccated crumbs of breakfast egg that decorate my fetid overcoat. Your charge, on the other hand, is as phony as hope's romance. Your principal source, "James Morris", is a fraud and a rank liar. He claims a lifelong allegiance to Washington's Bullets and its New World Wizards. But I have met this man James, and I have stared into his eyes, and I did not see suffering. And if any man knows suffering, it is either a Swedish man, or a man who barracks for the theatre of cruelty that is our local basketball franchise. Alas, I can count both these whores as my bed-mates. In the care of your halfwit scribe David McKenna, any remaining truths find themselves in the hands of an eager masseuse. And as the late Red Auerbach pressed: "A man can knead all the buttocks he wants, but he's never going to work out the aches of his shame."
August Strindberg Playwright Intern, Wizznutzz.com