HAPPY LUE YEAR EVERYONE!!!!!
ANother year older! Unless you are Andray Blatche! Have u seen the movie "The Curious Case of Benjiman Buttons???" about how Brad Pitt is a hundred years old and still breastfeeding?? DOnt bother wiz fans!!! if youve followed the career of Andray Blatche then you already seen this movie! Andray is the only baller be aging backwards!
Its been very quiet around here but when we just heard Steve Buckhantz announce on air that Deshawn Stevenson had "an epidural" we knew it was time to break the silence!!!!
An epidural!!! Good jesus could you give LeBron any more ammunition??? JayZs on the way to the studio right now scibbling "Neural" "Intramural" and "black squirrel" on his rhyming pad.
Buts thats what we love about "the boy who cried overrated". Deshawns trash is just so negligent its nearly sexual. Did u see him on the sidelines the other day in his red velvet jawing at the Queen??? It was so smooth, my boy was The Velour Fog out there. If LeBron
v DeShawn is Sticks and Stones then DeShawn is definitely tha stones. In a real ruff season trouncing CleTown on a walking call was "garlique" - thats french for "so right on!"
It was also great 'Schedenfraude" (spanish for 'Hater'!) to have the game decided by a the most controversial makeup call since Danson went blackface. Now we all know Queen james is the mopiest travelling salesman since Willy Loman
(Sing these words in your brain to the tune of 'Cobacabana' once and you will sing them a thouand times:
"His name was Willy, hey!
He was a Loman,
The Incomparable Sexual SHowman!")
The bums been rushing the show since the day he was drafted. Lebron is a frequent flier, a barnstormer. he travels far and wide anmd those shoes done earned a lotta milez, but this time he went to the gate and ref said "sorry sir you havnt accrued enuff milez to redem them for another award flite" cuz in the Association there are rules for travellers, like the Jordan Rules, when the league turn blind on Salieri's ho strolls, but thats because the road to the champioship is a long one and vets with rings clocked alot of miles getting there. Its the same reason why Dikembe Mutombo hasnt had to even dribble a ball since 2005. But the young royal thinks he gets the privilege by birth and thinks he is above the law and is all like "the rules are wrong you provincial simpletons, u could never understand my jetsetting wayz, i have travelled the world over and when u travelled as much as i have you see new things and learn the ways of the world and the Crab Step maybe exotic to your rustic whistles but in europe its a way of life and in China they got this 4-step, 2-handed dribble move that all the boys do that they call "Path of the Righteous"
But we hate on Lebron to hide our pain.
Also we hate on him because hes a cashfat miserabilist fraud. but also it hides our pain too. because its been a rough year my friends. so very rough.It is the Year of Sleeping Daggers in CHinatown.
Its got so bad last week i was at the arena and they kept playing this new jock jam: it was the TV on the Radio song "DLZ"
during timeouts:This is beginning to feel like the long winded blues of the never....
This is ... This is beginning to feel like the dawn of a loser forever...
NBA teams been having their way
with the Wizards like they are Edward Smith and we are that helicopter from Airwolf that Edward Smith is making love to
Sean Avery sez "One mans supersonic battlecopter is Jan Michael Vincents sloppy seconds!!!!"Chirstimas day was maybe was the worst.
Christmas Day in Cleveland and Santa gotta a brand new counterfeit bag from Chinatown and stuffed it full of ennui, complimentary chalk, cursed etonics and chocolate kismet. The Xmas day beatdown was typical of the season but also left a flaming brownbag of memories on the doorstep of my brain.
It made me go back to 3 years ago in the playoffs, the Wiz are the highest scoring team in the East, they got a hot young superstar called Agent Zero, on national tv against the games biggest superstar leBron james, and they are on national TV trading daggers and hi-def dramaz. The Wiz came up short but all agreed it was one for the ages and these two teams would be rivals for years and the wiz r the team of tomorrow.
Now flash it all the way back to 1997.
The Bullets are in the playoffs against the world champion Bulls and superstar Michael Jordan, and they got two young rising stars of their own Chris Webber and Juwan Howard that have the whole town excited, and we play 3 hardfought games with the Bulls on national TV and even though we come up short we earned respect and MJ praises the team and everyone says we are the team to watch in the future.
Well we been watching!!!!!!
and we know what happened then and its happening again:
bad knees, throatslashing gesture, cant feel my face, too much money, bad knees, bad halfsmokes, bad trades, endorsement deals, runaway cars, runaway skydog, runaway pituitary glands, coaching changes, resisting arrest, puerto rican customs, loud suits, defamation suits, webber v fila, keloids, DUIs, shoplifting, bad knees, bad lottery picks, hubert davisIs this just the curse of Lez Boulets? Do we get this like Icarus for flying to close to the sun??
If you dont know the tale of Icarus its about Tony Icarus, who killed his wife and got sent to the prison ALCATRAZ for his crimes. There he got the nickname of "The Birdman of Alcatraz" because he trained pigeons by feeding them cheap prison heroin. Everyone thought Tony Icarus was one crazy man, but he was smarter than he looked because he had a plan. Each day he would take some feathers from his pigeon friends until after many years he had enough feathers and built himself some giant birdwings so he could fly out of the jail into freedom. When the day came for him to escape it was a beautiful sunny day and he looked at the sun out the window and was so excited to free under its warm light soon. Then he carved a fake head out of wax and put it under his sheets so so the guards would look in his cell and see a lump under a sheet thick with bird droppings and say : "Thats just Tony Icarus sleeping !" Then the time comes and Tony jumps out his window. he only had once shot but the wings worked perfect! He soared up over the prison and swooped down by the ocean and whooped and laughed and cried with happiness. But there was one problem: back in tonys cell the hot sunlight had melted his wax head!!!! and all the pigeons were screaming because they became trapped in the hot wax and also because they had withdrawl symptoms from no heroin, and the racket brought the guards around who saw the clues and raised the alarm and as Icarus did one last pass over the horrible island that had kept him for so long the tower guards shot him in the back and he crashed to the rocks and the tower guards yelled into their walkie talkies: "Birdman Down! Birdman Down!"Or maybe its like being a Wiz fan is like the "Myth of Sisyphus".
Its that famous story about guy called "Sisyphus" who was a Sherrifs deputy in a small town in Iowa. It was just a small town in iowa but it was a town that had the fattest man in america living there. He was so fat he could not even leave his bed. He just stayed in bed watching "Full COurt Press" and having pizzas delivered to his room. He was famous, he even went on Montel once, but Montel actually had to come to his house to do the show. One day every year, Sherrif Deputy Sisyphus would round up some of the strongest guys in the town and they would go to the fat mans house, and they would go up to his room, and clear away the pizza boxes and then carry him out of the house. It took like 20 guys and many hours to get him down the stairs. then they would load him onto the back of a big truck and take him into town to see the doctor. (the doctor didnt make house calls was the twist!) The doctor would try and find a cure for the mans fatness but every year the same thing happened: when he was done with the doctor the fat man would get rolled out to the parking lot and say to Sisyphus and the strong men "Sorry guys, no cure" and the guys would say "Bad luck fat man, well better luck next year" and then they would take him back home and carry him back up those stairs, practically breaking their backs doing it. This happened every single year. The time of year comes and Sisyphus would say "Cmon boys, time to roll this fat man down the stairs" and they roll him down and then they roll him right back up and they never found a cure for the fat man and he never died because all the pizza he ate preserved his organs.
Or maybe its not like any of those things. Maybe its just like the circle of life, except its not really a circle, its more like the Red Line to Shady Grove, but you get mugged at every single stop. Takoma-mugged. Fort Totten - mugged. Brookland CUA - mugged. Rhode Island Avenue - you find twenty dollars on the floor! New York Ave - a group of web coders surround you and tease you and slap you Sudoku book to the ground and take your 20 dollars. Union Station - mugged. Judiciary Square - homeless guy sits next to you and angrily feels himself while u get mugged. Gallery Place - mugged. Metro Center - start to get mugged but then a nice family of tourists gets on the train and breaks up the mugging, then the family rapes you and mugs you. Farragut North - mugged. Dupont Circle - you get mugged so bad you dont wake up for hours and wake up and the train has already gone back to takoma! and some guys who look like muggers get on and are talking about how a kid called Kwame Brown is gonna take the Wiz to a championship and then they look at you and you practically welcome them to mug you.For this is A LOST SEASON in a LOST YEAR in a LOST LIFE of basketball.And There is a point in life like in every Bollywood movie where you just have to fight the tiger and lets face it the tiger has won!
Abe has passed the matches, and Ernie has lit a bonfire of the vanities.
The Brown Hornet OUT!
The team is even exploring a trade that would send Etan Thomas to the Pen American league
for veteran John Ashbery and cash considerations.Ernie Grunfeld has become the Reuben Kincaid of NBA GMs!
Last month Ernie pulled the trigger on a trade that promises to bring us two vital pieces to the Championship puzzle:Javaris Crittendon:
('Javaris Crittendon'??? What kinda name is that? Is he named after the token black guy on a reality show set in Hyannisport????), is described by scouts as "a young Nick Young"
And Ernie defended Mike James:
who has been described as "one-demensional" and "cancerous" everywhere he has gone, by saying: "We need a 3-point shooter"
NO WE DONT, we HAVE 3 point shooters!!!
We need 3 PT MAKERS!!!!but Mike James quickly established himself as a community leader by appearing on SUPERNANNY!
It was the biggest DC Hoops reality scandal since Mitch Kupchack flashed the transit cop in Real World Landover!MIKE TV showed the world his secrets to great parenting: edutainment and carbo-loading!
The tv nanny wasn't so happy with his dad skillz though - she said that "making it rain allowance time" does NOT teach the value of hard work and that "eating as a family" should NOT be competitive eating, and that naked ladys hanging around the family pool all hours to to teach the kids to appreciate women is NOT what Dr Spock recommends, thats a different Dr SPock
, but MIKE TV says to nanny "you dont even know me Poppins" and then Mike TV's youngest son stole our hearts when he turned to the camera and said "I didn't come to the United States to break my f**king back."5 years old and quoting Scarface?? MJ must be doing something right!!!!!
We tease Mike TV but seeing him step on the court cold and start dropping 20 pt games make you realize how much home fans here always fall in crazy unrealistic love with the "plump little bag of squirming ambitions" that is our baby bench, the young and unproven. Whether its JaVale "Son of the WNBA" McGee or Andray Blatche the "Journeymanchild" or Oleksiy Pecherov, the fans fall in love with the kids like parents fall in love with their own dopey children: "Randell jackson is only 5 but her reads at a 7 year old level!" we say proudly. IF ONLY HE HAD MORE MINUTES!!!! Man you can find a Mike james on the damned RideOn any day of the week and he'll outscore any of those boys, but it doesnt matter. The home fans do this because they are facing terminal fan-death and are in the 7 stages of grief and they are stuck in stage 3: Anger and Bargaining. We hope that maybe we can scheme our way out of our fate by taking the 12 men and the 48 minutes and arranging them on the Wizards Insider comments board in different ways until we unlock the magic combination. We take the 48 minutes and we move em around furiously like so many toppings on a pizza, but my friends, its like William Faulkner said: "Clocks slay time.... time is dead as long as it is being clicked off by little wheels; only when the clock stops does time come to life" and at some point, when u r screaming for more minutes for Pecherov, you have to ask yourselves this question: "If you keep adding more pineapple to a 'Papa Johns Pizza with Pineapple', when does it become a 'Papa Johns Pineapple with Pizza'???"
Labels: Mike James, Queen James