Other times people stop us in the street and they ask us:
"WIzznutzz, I have heard you talking about people called 'MACHOSENSUALS' before.
What is a Machosensual??"
or they ask
"I have this feeling sometimes and think It might mean I am a Machosensual. How do I know???"
Well if that feeling you have feels like the spruce, brawny feeling of showering lumberjacks, then YES, you are a machosensual!!
Still confused?? Dont worry, most machosensuals are!!
That is because the heart of a Machosensual beats for two.
Two energies that is, opposite energies that r happening at the very same time in one vainglorious space of wild finery!!!!!
At the same time there is the MASCULINITY of man in his native, naked, virile beauty and also the FEMININITY of desiring to celebrate and attend to that beauty. A beard is macho, but a trimmed, recently shampooed beard is machosensual!
Machosensuality IS Rugged Tidiness! Machosensuality IS Pressed Masculinity! Machosensuality IS NOT cargo shorts and fistfulls of cold sliders! Machosensuality is soft YET turgid. Moist AND meaty!!
It is the thrilling duality of feeling big manly hands at your throat, and noticing how smoothly conditioned they are with the faint scent of oatmeal and, maybe lavendar?, as they crush your f**king windpipe!! !!!
Q: Am I Normal?
A: Yes! Machosensuality is the most normal thing in the world!!!
Grooming is a natural part of nature. All animals take time to consider their appearance. Animals are the cleanest animals in the world, and rarely walk around with out-of-fashion Caesar haircuts. Wallabys even have a pouch that carries around a nutrient rich, sanitizing lotion that dermatologists would kill for!!! One dermatologist actually DID kill for it, his name is Dr Z and he almost lost his license!!! Before you judge him though ask yourself the question: have you ever seen a wallaby with dandruff???
Q: Does being machosensual mean i like men??
A: Yes, but it means you only like one man in whole world and that man is you! Admire him! but admire him fast cuz hes about to kick your ass!
Well sometimes its best to identify if u r a machosensual by seeing if you have some of the classic traits of one.
You may be a MachoSensual if you:
-Own a replica bomber jacket -Kept the certificate of authenticity for your replica bomber jacket -Like waxing your car -Like waxing your thighs -Tuck in your flannel shirt -TiVO razor commercials -Posed for your high school yearbook photo leaning against a porsche -Posed for your high school yearbook photo leaning against a porsche and it wasn't really your porsche but but u went to a porsche dealership to take the picture
If you don't have any of these classic symptoms, there are some more modern MS behaviours seen in sports fans that you might see for yourself:
Machosensuals have been around for ever, since caveman first cracked open the aloe leaf.
The Roman Empire was the great Machosensual Empire.
Especially in the movie Spartacus.
If you took the leather medicine ball that Kirk DOuglass and Woody Strode tossed each other between takes and you were able to extract the sweaty man oils from it you would have 100% pure essence of machosensual.
It would be so potent that with only one drop you could get Bea Arthur pregnant!!!!
It would be so powerful you could make a cologne for jesus out of it.
Q: Jesus Wears Cologne??
A: Have you been to a Tunisian disco lately???
If you have then you would have noticed one thing right away. well first u would have noticed the relentless acid trance and the strict "No Sandals" policy, even tho they let Jesus wear sandals. Jesus can wear anything he wants in niteclubs, industry code, but JC doesnt want to showboat, he saves his miracles for dancefloor cuz only policy JC follows is "No Ego" policy, so JC usually shows up in his Bally Nasters. But the MAIN thing you would notice inside is the choking stink of counterfeit cologne. Theres enough "Tonny" Hilfiger cologne in a Tunisian disco to sterilize a schoolbus!!!!
Q: "Woody Strode" is an awesome name for a machosensul right?
Q: Is Machosensualism a Science or a Religion???
A: It is BOTH!!!
Maybe you have seen one of these fliers on your windshield???
Its for the Divine Church of Machosensual Science and it was founded by Christian Laettner in 2001 with the mission to spread Christian's faith and promote the self-improvement triad:
"Cleanse the Soul. Cleanse the Body. Cleanse the Mind. Rinse. Repeat." (TM)
As missionaries of The Divine Church of Machosensual Science like to say:
"May we look in your bathroom?"
but they also like to say:
"God created man in his divine image, and He said unto man, 'Mantain thy holy image against the earthly sins of wear through daily applications of balm and fragrance. Seek thee regularly the manpamperers, for blessed are the manpamperers, and for Vainglory is thy name!'"
Of course, Sister Christian wasnt the first Machosensusal NBA player, in fact did you know one of the great Machosensualists of all time played right here in DC???
Just look at this amazing portrait that JE SKEETS sent over!!!!
Look at those eyes!!! the deep, penetrating stare of youthful, erotic self-purpose.... Look at those lips!!! with their supple violence...
All that crazed vulnerability, Wes looks like a young STUDIO 54 BUSBOY who dreams of his big break and just answered an ad in Backstage Magazine for an "independent film" photocall:
"Independent Film project seeks young, male actor for lead supporting role. Must possess an ambitious, scowling beauty. Must be husky, well built, vigorous, and perfect. Must be comfortable with nudity. No previous experience required. No cops."
Monday, February 19, 2007
We interupt this post for BReaking SCOOPS!
1. despised former wizznutzz intern and grandstander "James" goes on Bram Weinstein show last week. LISTEN HERE (MP3) for tired, recycled, japes and only fourth time the words "ANdray Blatches Unterus" ever spoken on espn radio!
3. Agent Steinz jumps the shark!!! Promises to hi lite bloggers on TV show "PTW" Pardon The Weeping! Wizznutzz send Steinz our pilot for "Dancing With the 98 Bullets Stars!" back to our regularly scheduled incites...
FOR THIS SPECIAL BLACK THANKSGIVING WEEKEND EDITION WIZZNUTZZ ARE BRINGING OUR GAYNESS UP ON YOU!
We were fully prepped for Black thanksgiving here at wizznutzz headquarters. The pom noisettes on the hibachi, the capri sun bladders were spiked, ken had his astronaut diaper on, and Strindberg was washing the blood off his hands after completing the festive Michael WIlbon Black Thanksgiving Centerpiece
Mike Wilbon himself headed west like a soul pilgrim with fellow "homies, playaz, slimmies, shorties, pimps, juicies and jeezys" for tha big party
He celebrates urban black culture even as he laments the death of black jazz, but the Billy Joel and Elton John CDs he picked up at the Disc SHop at Mazza Gallery help ease the pain.
Monday is Presidents Day but Sunday was Black Presidents Day, cuz Agent Zero's in town. Y'all done with your backlash? Gils he greatest thing to happen to DC since CAPTAIN 20!! For the occassion the NBA hired Cosby's Brown Hornet artist to make him a sweetly racial caricature for his blog
Blog HiLites! -Gil throws his "fishing pole" out at the ladies! -Gil has a breakoff with Shaq! -Gil gives his pops grief for wearing a leather Bucket Hat in the desert like he's Lawrence Fishburne of Arabia!
Meantime David Stern is hoping this weekends hoopla will make people forget about what everyone was talking about last week:
TIM HARDAWAY GOING BATTY ON DA BATTY BOYZ!!!
The most awesome week of awkward sports talk radio EVER! Gayness in sports talk is about as welcome as Joseph Gannascoli in Little Italy! Former jock sports analists were negotiating their way around gayness more gingerly than Hal Linden in a Battle of the Networks Stars obstacle course!!! When Colin Cowherd says "gay people are people too" he is like a diplomat smiling as he eats monkey brains in a Thai Palace so he wont offend his host. Jim Rome told his listeners he is straight and u can tell because of how carefully he grooms his goatee but wore a SILENCE=BACON shirt to show his support for repression and meat. Dan Patrick went 4 days without a nervous "I cant quit you" joke and Mike Golic suddenly got "salmonella" but after doctors told him u cant get it from gay chickens made a strong recovery.
What do wizznutzz think of all this??
Well when we were on BRAM WEINSTEIN show last week we told the world that we totally support John Ameche. We loved him in Cocoon!
Bram asked us if we ever "outed" anyone on the wizznutzz. Well we were there in the locker room when Wes Unseld came out of the closet but that wasnt a gay thing it was just Wes sleeping in a closet. When in came to outing folks, Jahidi White was a master. He outed poor stevie blake every tuesday and steve is straighter than an Andray Blatche tapeworm!
But Wizznutzz have always supported the turgid mandance. Dont forget we are first sports blog to come out and proclaim our Machosensuality!!! Yes, we subscribe to the vainglorious tenets of Christian Laettners Church Of The Divine Machosensual. (Its basically like Scientology but instead of aliens in your blood substitute Kiehls grooming products. )
In case men struggle together with one another, and the wife of the one has come near to deliver her husband out of the hand of the one striking him, and she has thrust out her hand and grabbed hold of him by his privates, you must then amputate her hand. Your eye must feel no sorrow.Deuteronomy 25:11-12
God made man in his image but we thought his image was a little shabby so man created Products to hold and shape. Blessed are the Groomers!!!
Hear hear SIster CHirstian!
The machosensual man has the best of both worlds! He's not just straight, he's FABULOUSLY STRAIGHT!!!!
But NOT TIM Hardaway! Tim HARD HATES GAY PEOPLE!!!
Tim Is cold school straight up: He's a heterosexist obscurant and he's proud! If Tim had his way not even Charles Barkley be chasin Dick!
When Tim be taking his showers its like a big LGBT Fear Factor - dudes start coming out of the fog looking like Amanda Lepore!
T HARD sez dudes should be able to shower by themselves knowing they are real man thru and thru!!
T HARD sez Lockerroom is a commonwealth of vagina surfers only! Men should be able to strip down, soap up, and gear on their Dolce & Gabbana in queerless comfort.
T HARD sez NFL aint got no gayness!
NFL is for real men, like Kyle Orton!
T HARD sez MLB aint no Larry Clark movie!!
T HARD sez a real man likes boobs!
A real man likes rock and roll!
But D Stern didnt like this, after all hes just come to terms with blacks in the NBA and now this! So D Stern sez to T HARD, "What happens in Vegas, STAYS in Vegas! , except YOU T HARD"
Tim was devastated, mostly because it meant he had to cancel his All -Star Party:
"THE ANGRY BALLERS BALL"
All that preparation wasted! Party host Alan Cumming was all lined up, as was the Tim Hardaway roast MCed by Michael Musto. Party sponsor Crown Lager says 2000 lime shandies poured down a UNLV toilet! Thunder Downunder Las Vegas review tucks wasted downpayment into lycra Yfronts!
And Mothering Hut suddenly stuck with 300 Mens XXL special occasion Tshirts!