Monday, March 03, 2008
WARNING!! WARNING!! WARNING!!
WHAT YOU WILL READ BELOW HERE IS FOR ADULTS OR KIDS WHO CANT READ ONLY!!
The language is mature, not only will it shock u but by the end you will be telling the world about the time you hooked up with Darius SOngalia on the pile of recalled hamster bedding behind the Towson PETCO!!! FACT!!!!
Anything goes on this site. There aint no moderation. This aint no ExtremeSkins!
Internets are all about "connections" and this website is a great place for connecting all the feezies, skeezies, hoodrats, golddiggaz, lovers, haters, castoffs, chasers, wags, starfuckers, hoochers, cashed up bogans, bacon geishas and baby mamas that hang around the musty, animal fringes of the Association!!!!
Think of it as an "OPPedia" !
Basically it goes like this:
Lets make up an imaginary NBA player, lets call him "CALBERT CHEANEY"!!!!
OK so first someone goes on the "Calbert Cheaney" Girlfriend page and be like:
DO he got one????
or else they ask
He got a big one????
-then someone say he married to a girl with 2 babies. -then someone say the girl he married is a skinny mess -then someone say you just a jealous fake-ass Fendi wearing hater! -then someone say he married but he still a dog cuz her friend has a friend who is a stripper in Alabama who is doing him and Calbert do crazy stuff in the bed and is on the hook for her car notes -then someone who is former groupie comes on to give advice to all tha young jump offs bout how the game works and how it is what it is -then some crazy spurned former girlfriend has a mental breakdown -then someone quotes a Jay-Z song -then someone who say they is Calberts cousin gets on and says YOU ALL BITCHES DONT KNOW CALBERT U DONT KNOW WHAT U TALKIN ABOUT CALBERT LOVES HIS WIFE AND KIDS HES A GOOD MAN LEAVE MY BALLER ALONE PLZ U JUST JEALOUS HATIN COS YO MAN SPENDS MORE TIME RIDIN THE BUS THAN YOUR SORRY ASS
Thats pretty much how it goes
The cousin always write in angry ALL CAPS, I think its a side-effect of all the VALTREX
SO WE WENT THROUGH ALL THA MESSAGE BOARDS and
HERE ARE SOME FAVES!!!!
DREW GOODEN: DREW GOODEN IS SOFT, HELLA CORNY, KISSES LIKE A JELLYFISH AND SNORES LIKE A PIG ON PROZAC, HIS TOES TWIRL WHEN I LICK HIS ******* AND STICK FINGERS UP HIS ***. TRUE STORY.
STEVE FRANCIS: I been f**king him since about 2000....b4 the wife and all. Its good but the $$ is better. He is a trick and will make sure you are taken care of. Hell I fuck him and 2 other Rockets players. They all trick. The thrilling part is when I go to a function with one and the other 2 are there. But none of them will ever stop fuckin with me...why would they. I dont give them stress to be with me and I dont give a fuck what they do. My bills are paid along with both my car notes. Niggas do it all the time......it my time to shine.
RASHEED WALLACE: he has a great f**k game too. dont let th grimy look fool u. he smells great and is a clean nigga.... HE CAN KEEP GETTING IT HERE....
DAMON GETS HONOR AS ONLY PLAYER TO POST ABOUT HIMSELF ON HIS OWN FORUM!!! HAHA tru fact
Not only am I the most attractive player in Cleveland, I am the most attractive player in the NBA. If I decide to go out to dinner or a club after a game, you'll never see Damon Jones running behind any women. I don't have to. women choose. If a woman is interested in Damon Jones, she's going to have to pursue me or we will never meet. I don't have to pursue any woman. I have what every woman wants. I'm attractive, I'm charismatic, I'm rich. I'm every woman's dream.'
ALEXANDER OVECHKIN: it's unacceptable to come to america and say you could never date an American girl. Get the hell out of our country. Americans pay your salary--the salary you won't even by a front tooth with jackolatern.
AND THEY GOT THE NFL!!!
TOM BRADY: Sure you f**ked Brady, just like I fucked King Henry. I agree with the football pants comment: no buldge. And that ass Randy Moss can enjoy that fucking threesome (no pun intended).
ANTONIO DANIELS He is married with a daugther but he was messing with a stripper from The Pink Pony in ATL. She's white chick name Jessica (AKA Genesis) that was his road wife beasue he used to fly her out all the time and she would go aound the dressing room and show pictures of his dick (that is HUGE by the way) and say that he was going to leave his wife for her. He also messd with another girl there but I don't know to which extent except that the two girls fell out over him.
GILBERT ARENAS He is going out with this girl who goes to USC. Her name is Amber Horwith. She is mixed but looks pretty much white with red curly hair. If you go to her friend Daedra Staten (another USC girl)
ANDRAY BLATCHE: Dude needs his teeth cleaned and fixed pronto. I met him and his breath was rank.
he is a cheap nasty ass prick ------ HE IS CHEAP! ------ ok FRUGAL..... and I didnt sleep with him, I got my own. I was saying cheap cause his crib looked like he had lawn chairs for dinner room table!
SO no, maybe not cheap but Frugal. My fault, you cant take your money with you, atleast invest in some nice things for your home. damn
The dick is BOMB, but he laughs tooo much, especially when he **** all up in my *****....hahaha!!!! I'm a wolve in sheep's clothing...Nicky Poo...is upgrading....I have no weave unlike Miss Carol....I wear no makeup, unlike Miss Loreal....and I don't look like a fuckin gladiator, like Miss Hulk....buff ass bitch is probably on steroids, don't be like Flo Jo Hoe and abuse your body till the point of no return....and I don't have a fucked up...grill with too many fuckin teeth in my head...unlike that horse head hoe....LOL. Whatever, I'm having fun, in the sun...and getting paid, in the shade. Ciao.
ETAN: He is married to poetry and it's possible that Brendan Haywood tried to steal it from him, hence the constant fighting.
DESHAWN STEVENSON: No she don't sleeps for $40 per night .OHHHHHHHHHHH. that won't full up ur gas tank. that's more so cereal and milk money. Damn plp hypes her up ,I 'm never to crazy about her when I see her out in them $20 fashion eternity dresses give me a headache and them same knock off TR jeans .Wow this can't be a life of a hoe
and our favorite of all:
KWAME BROWN: All yall Bitches can have Kwame, He has wide ass Hips just like a Bitch. Who wants a cake thief anyways!!!!!
then go get in brain of a crazy lady, or a crazy dude, or a darius' cousin, or two of the members of Mango and tell world about time you and D SONG did that really messed up thing!!!
We need ONE HUNDRED WHORES TO MAKE THIS DREAM COME TRUE!!!
By time we are done we make Darius the craziest slut, the unicorn hunter, the no-holds barred dirtiest, most dangerous pimp, with wives in every state and babies in every Balkan republic!!! So get going. SPread the word, spread the skruostas!!!
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
SALTY GEORGIA BROWN!!!!
This photo released by the Valdosta, Ga., Police Department of Los Angeles Lakers center Kwame Brown after he was arrested Sept. 29, 2007, in Valdosta and charged with disorderly conduct and interfering with an officer after his cousin was charged with DUI according to police officials.
I'LL TELL YOU JUST WHY, YOU KNOW I DON'T LIE, NOT MUCH: IT'S BEEN SAID HE KNOCKS 'EM DEAD, WHEN HE LANDS IN TOWN! SINCE HE CAME, WHY IT'S A SHAME, HOW HE COOLS THEM DOWN!
ON SALTY GEORGIA BROWN, TWO LEFT FEET, OH, SO NEAT, HAS SALTY GEORGIA BROWN! THEY ALL SIGH, AND WANT TO DIE, FOR SALTY GEORGIA BROWN!
Why the hell is Agent Steinz so good to us? Is it because of the Intern application from the daughter of Leonard Downie, Jr. that suddenly found its way to the top of the pile? We cannot say! Only one things for sure, there will be an Agent Zero backlash at some point. Its just the way things are. But before that backlash will come a much more wicked and punishing wizznutzz backlash. And when it comes we all just pray Agent Steinz will be our Oscar Schindler!
"I need Jaarko Ruutu. I need D. Ham. I need Brenadan Haywood. That was the agreement. I must have them. They are on the list. Look at those tiny hands. How else do you expect I am to clean the inside of the munition casings?"
"Whoever came up with that is a genius," Arenas said of his superhero nickname, which first belonged to a comic book mutant but was assigned to Arenas by a blogger. "Whoever came up with that, thank you. I appreciate it."
YOU ARE SO VERY WELCOME GILBERT ARENAS! WE JUST WANT TO PLAY OUR SMALL PART IN THE TAKLEOVER. WE ARE LIKE MUSSOLINI'S DOGWALKERS!
2. I got an spam email yesterday and it said it was from someone whose name is "FONZ CHAPMAN"!!!
My thinking is, are we trying to sign this guy?? Go get him Grunz! Get him for the minimum. Combining Fonz and Rex Chapman into one extraordinary man, r u kidding me!!! Fonz Chapman = Instant Fan Favorite!!!
WE LOVE SCOOP. we love his pulp afro truisms, the pithy vers libre that he calls "ORIGINATIC" and we call "TERMINATOR X HAS BEEN PLAYING WITH HIS SON'S MADLIBS(tm) AGAIN"
We love the contradictions in his prose.
His drops copy that's taut yet loose, clipped yet ostentatious, its "Spartomaximalist!".
His body of work mirrors his body of flesh: Flyweight Frame, Heavyweight Attitude! He has an athletes mind and a poets body!
Sure some people complain about Scoop, they say he writes himself into the script more thatn Spike Lee, they say how his punchy profundities are one sentence deep, that his pieces plod along one sentence at a time and then turn around a come back over themselves, like a hopscotch game, they say that Scoop thinks he is a fresh voice, a flamboyant showman but then so do most guys you find wandering around the LA Bus Depot at 2am, and they complain that Scoop's big finale kicker lines are really just re-purposed marketing BL-AXIOMS he boosted from shoe company copywriters like this:
When the shirt arrived it was like Christmas in May. Witness That's all it said. Because that's what we all are. ...Just watch. Witness
and now this:
He tries to make you believe that it is about them, not him. That he's not the one to occupy the spotlight, that he's not in this moment of his alone.
They all are. The team. Together.
But you're not a fool, are you?
and they say, "Hey Scoop, I also had that Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy CD when i was in college. But I also wore Ocean Pacific courderoy sHorts in High School and even though, yes, i still wear the same shorts, I dont have JC Penny taking pictures of me in them for the latest catalog!"
Yes, thats all true, BUT at least Scoop is the only sportwriter at espn who you can be assured will never utter the word "PAGEANTRY" when talking about sports!!! and thats gotta count for something!
4. THE MARZIPAN MANCHILD
YAY SPORTS is running a fan fiction contest: you gotta answer the question
"Why Did Kwame Throw The Cake"????
well we cant do it in 500 words or less but we have been asking oursleves the same quesation!!
When the Manchild was sent in exile on his mule we hoped there would be rebirth in the City of Angels. But things dont always work out the way you hope. Like when the killer Jack Henry Abbott was a talented writer, and so Norman Mailer helped him get his book "In The Belly of the Beast" famous, and even helped spring him from jail cuz he was such a great writer, and then a feww weeks later Jack Henry Abbott killed dead a waiter and went right back to prison where he writes his violent sports blog "True Hoop"
People have big, brains of moist complexity, like Scoop calls "Onions" and John Thompson calls "Foreskin Thinking". People have needs and desires and fears they dont even see and they do what they have to do to be at peace. Like how Eddie Murphy can only be comfortable in his own skin if he dresses up in the skin of an elaborate fat suit to play an older physcially aggressive woman who then harrasses his other self in a sexually inappropriate way.
So we try to get to the core of all this using psychoanalism.
(Side note, Kwame and the Cake ranks #2 in wizznutzz all-time list of greatest DC basketball off-court Food and Beverage incidents. The top 6:
but why is the same happening now with manchildren?? Some ideaz:
ONE Maybe Kwame was trying to impress Ronnie Turiaf?? WHo wouldnt!? But kwame, just take him ice skating! buy him frozen hot cocao at Serendipity. Or Make him an impressive mix tape of Martinique Zouk music!!
TWO Kwame was suffering from HYPO GLYCEMIC REBOUND aka sugar rage aka "Lynam's Disease". I know kwame doesnt get many rebounds but there is proof that food = pain and with Coach jackson force feeding the manchild Butterfingers and shame... well more on that later
THREE Kwame was just raised wrong. We know that's not the reason!!!!! Cuz Kwames Auntie, Altamese Allen and cousin Sissy Bell made sure he always behaved himself like a classy professional at all times!!!
They led by example!
FOUR This is "POST 9/11 KWAME". Nervous and jaded and panicky. We will never be the same and its true for kwame also. He is safe in the warm LA night but in his mind he is always in an Israeli Sbarros, eyeing the guy in the corner who is wearing a heavy coat in mid-July.
FIVE Kwame was practicing physical comedy that he saw his hero Buster Keaton do on TV. Everyone loves a food fight! is what kwame was thinking. He lives in a grand silent picture! No wonder the coaches cant get through to him and he prefers to communicate with mascots because of their expert and hilarious mimez!
SIX Kwame took learnings to heart of the Robert McKee's Screenwriting Seminars he attends in offseason, and hoped a spontaneously thrown cake would be a DEUS EX MACHINA that would neatly and improbably resolve the messy story of his young life.
SEVEN Kwame suffers from serious BODY DYSMORPHIA Like many anorexic young "popsicle"-head young celebs: Nicole Richie, Laura Flynn Boyle, Richard Hamilton... kwame has falled victim to the STARVE WARS.
he is Strong and Machosensual but when he looks in the mirror he sees something Wrong and 'Nachosensual', something HORRIBLY DIFFERENT:
Like we say, SILENCE=BACON, the body is a battleground not a postmodern playground!! It's a crucible of punishment. "CAKE IS THE ENEMY OF MY THIGHS!!" yells Kwame, like the Cartoon CATHY except that Cathy also had a bad case of middle-class post-lib sexfear and was first ever comic strip character whose vagina committed suicide.
EIGHT Kwame saw the cake as a tempting material manifestation of himself and sought to destroy it so that he may rise again from the scattered crumbs.
Kwame is like a cake in so many ways: soft, indulgent, flaky, sweet, and very bad for you. Plus if you overheat him, he will collapse like a delicate souffle!!
NINE Kwame saw the cake as an evil embodiment of ABUSE!!!!
Kwame left the abusive upbringing of Salieri and Coach Collins aka The Phantom and thought maybe under Phil Jackson it will be different? Phil jackson is a Buddhist he says. well lets have a look at some of his Buddist teachings:
KOAN # 83
Hyakujo, the Chinese Zen master, used to labor with his pupils even at the age of eighty, trimming the gardens, cleaning the grounds, and pruning the trees.
The pupils felt sorry to see the old teacher working so hard, but they knew he would not listen to their advice to stop, so they hid away his tools.
That day the master did not eat. The next day he did not eat, nor the next. "He may be angry because we have hidden his tools," the pupils surmised. "We had better put them back."
The day they did, the teacher worked and ate the same as before. In the evening he instructed them: "No work, no food."
Hmm interesting. biut not as interesting as:
Zen is like a Butterfinger(tm) pointing at the Moon; once you've seen the Moon, there is no longer any need for the Butterfinger(tm) .
COach Jackson, mandals do not the Maharishi make!
As we say , the 'Tao of Salieri' does not contain enlightenment. It only contains the words "I EAT OATS".
The three evil chefs, Jordan, Collins, jackson have baked Kwame into a big heavy cake of expectations and in his dream he dreams that he breaks out of the doughy cake and plunges, psycholoigically naked, into a giant bowl of milk sceaming