Wednesday, December 30, 2009
A Del the Funky Homosapian mixtape for Big Daddy Wookie, the Vale of Cashmere hisself -- JAVALE MCGEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! He thought we was rappin in the final video below, so we sed NAW KID NAH, and hadda set the sun back on course, SON!!!!
Del is a cousin of Ice Cube & leader of Hieroglyphics crew & member of Deltron 3030 & Gorillaz & other P-Funk sampling projects. He might also be an astronaut & volcano farmer, but we're too lazy to wiki. HE'S SO GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And DC kids start yelling "Fire Coach Jordan!" and "Blow It Up!" and "Pass The Sharpie!" and "Hopla-Hopla-Horray!"
Sure all thingz were pointing to an Annus Horribilis, and were not talking about Steve Blakes new niteclub on K Street (Biz Markie, VIP group showers, whats not to like?!)
Sure Coach looked overwelmed these first few weeks. The Princeton offense was out of sorts and even worse was the Steinitz Defense - not the famous one, but the less known one the chess hustlers in the park call "Pawns Fall Down."
Coach was emptying the bench quicker than when Justice Scalia ruled on Gay Seals V. Jesus!
Watching Eddie coach last week wuz like watching a dude trapped in a Bergman film having to play Jenga against Death!!!
"Be patient, cuz WHITE FLINT WASNT BUILT IN A DAY!!!!!!"
Tha season is 82 games long plus these times should be dreamier than eating cheese in Xanadu for all youz "More Minutes For Randell Jackson" "More Minutes For Terry Davis" "More Minutes The Martin Ruffin One" , u types who always think the answer to lifes problems lies with tha rookie raw and rail thin kid sitting on the end of the bench, because if my name aint "CZABES LINK OF THE DAY", this time it does lie with the kid cuz The Vale of Cashmere is blowing up all over town!!! hes the first DC playa since Rip Hamilton that has caught Michael Wilbons wandering eye and that was only cuz Rip was wearing a Jordan shirt and holding a bag of cheeseburgers, and Agent Steinz's beat couldnt be getting more colorful if he wuz the cop patrolling Lionel City USA so jump up off your Fox Fatboys and cheer cuz when The Vale takes the court, just look at the tape on his shoes, it say JESUS + FORESKIN = HOLY CHEEZE!!!!
Big Gheorgge give The Vale thumbs up, and Agent Zero gave him props but also said "He's doing a good job now.... but he's got to slow down in his mind" !!! hahahah Gil telling someone they braining to much??!!! Thats like the pot calling the kettle "Potsie"!!!
SO it was during all this time of Coach unda-pressa and the big new kid with the 12 foot arms and the middle name of MESH LIFE that it was so awesome and poetricious for us to find best piece of food-sponsored basketball memorabilia since we bought Manute Bols lunch.
Circa 1974 ultra-rare autographed McDonalds Washington Bullets promo posters. Starring : KC, Dave Bing, Mike Riordan, and...
Check out that pleather codpiece!!!! Not regulation size and weight most definitnetly!!! We scanned in Wes and made a lifesize poster!!! it keeps the looters away from the Circuit City!
As much as we love Heath Schuler it was sure hard voting against a man called MUMPOWER. First it was also the name of that old Dabney Coleman mystery show on CBS that we loved, but also becuz 'MUMPOWER' would be a GREAT name to call JaVale McGee! But I know we already call him 'The Vale of Cashmere'. Also sometimes we call him AKIMBO SLICE. We have many names for him because he is so many young men at once. Like Hungarians have all those different words for 'sausage' and JKidd all the words for slapping ladies. JaVale is so young and in Coach Jordans Situationist offense he can be whatever you dream him to be!
We love watching JaVale so much, and lets face it we need to find love in these difficult times because Brenda has left the Peach Pit which moves Etan into the primetime cast but like Tan's fellow poet Mitchell Butler Yeats say, "The backup centre cannot hold", and when he wasnt stealing signs, pitcher Rollie Barthes one time said "humanity seems doomed to analogy" so true and so true for The Vale because when we think of JaVale we can only think of him as the ways he is like other wonderful things, like how The Vale's mind is like the mind of a slippery newborn foal that just dropped from under the horses tail but hasnt hit the hay yet, and how The Vales body is like a wooden puppet brought to life in a toy store one night by the dark magic of immigrants - u have to expect he gonna walk into the glass a few times before he figures out how to open the register, or how watching The Vale going for a block is like being a duck in a pond and seeing a giant goose thats out of control veering out of the sky right at you and then u realize that its not actually out of control but that on the gooses back is a mouse in a saddle flying the goose and that the mouse is a radical extremist mouse and hes trying to crash the goose on purpose and destroy your way of life in the pond forever!!!!
We love The Vale because so far there is not much else to love. Sure it will be fun to watch Nick Young and Juan Dixon grow beards after that bet they made not to shave until someone made an assist. Bad bet Nick! In 2002 Stackhouse passed the ball to Juan and he didnt give it back for 3 months!!!!
Because it aint so easy to replace Agent Zero cuz this team is built around the soul in the hole.
If theres is one girl Rick James doesnt want to miss time from his girl group The Mary Jane Girls its that big butch gal with the braids cuz shes the ladyface of the Rick James francshise, she's the one with the swag, shes the one who would knock kylie minogue out cold with fists of biscuit dough. So until Gilbert gets off the couch again to make love to the buzzer we choose to just look at the glass as 1/8 full and call the rest of this year by the name: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb.
August Strindberg grinning with pure joy as he poses with Agent Zero at a shoe signing in Malaysia
Wizznutzz and Gilbert 4EVER!!! like Peaches and Herb say, "me minus you is a lonely ride!!!!" We r Like Heckle and Jeckle, like Phil and Steve, like Muskrat Jonas and Muskrat Jarvis!!!!!
We been quiet here for a while cuz when Gil holds out we hold out, and damned straight u know If Gil had walked we had walked. What u think wizznutzz would stay if they let Agent Zero go? That we would be jilted at the altar like olde Miss Havsih-Slam, spiralling into a madness of WHERESTHECAKE and animated 9/11 patriotic bacon gifs ???? Hell no boy, if Gil had gone, we would have packed and rolled: grabbed the Finnish boy, the poet, the naked Maury Chaykin pix the naked Ken Beatrice and the key to the Circuit City mens room and hopped on the first SARS Xpress outta town cuz where gil goes we go like hungry Ramora on an anacostia snakehead!!!!!
But we knew all along he would come back to dime at five. It was classical Gilbert. Like Chris Webber say: "2 Much Drama"!!!!! Gil and Ernie and Twan did their little dance: Gil said Ernie, "I wanna be a Wizard, but Not without my daughter!!!!" And then Antawn Jamison told Ernie "I wanna grow old with you!!" and then Ernie told Gil: "Heres 126 Million dollar check from Abe Pollin made out to Juwan Howard. I can get you one just like it" and then Gilbert thought to himself "If there's a speed of sound and a speed of light is there a speed of smell?" and then he thought to himself "What can i do for my family with $127 million that I can't do with $111 million??" And then he did the math. No, not the math that says that the 16 million xtra dollars invested today would be worth another whole $127 million when his son turns 40, but the math of getting a quote from the firm of Oscar and Lucinda Architects for the all-glass basketball museum of his dreams and he found that for only $111 million he could he get the glass museum built AND fill it with rare Randell jackson Bnei Hasharon Israeli Premier League jerseys AND install a gorgeous custom Jeff Koons chrome balloon sculpture of Calbert Cheaney AND even have money left over to install the actual Calbert Cheaney!!!
Gil thought to himself, "I can have my glass museum and add help the team add a key piece to help us win a championship". Hey it doesnt matter that the "key piece" might turn out to be "AwveeStorey". Its the thought that counts!! Did Rod STrickland take less money so the team could wrap up Tyrone Nesby long-term??? HELL NO! and now TNez is Vilinius' Most Notorious, blowing up big on the International scene while Rod got no rings and lost it all in the great subprime halfsmoke bubble of '02!!
16 Mil is still good money to leave on the table. And its money on the table for 6 years, which means maybe the team could use some of it to finally put head atheltic trainer Eric Waters through college!!!!
It didnt hurt that owner Abe Pollin personally called up Gil and said
"You're my boy Gilbert. You remind me of a young Wes Unsled. You see there are two kind of people in my life these days Gilbert. Those who remind me of a young Wes Unseld, and those who remind me of a certain old jew-hating President. I'm going to make you a rich man Gilbert and all you have to do is win us a goddarned championship. Dammit I may be old but I'm a stubborn sonovabich and I'm a goddamned fighter and I'm going to outlive that goddmaned hillbilly Jimmy Carter and win us a c**ting championship if its the last f**kdamned thing I do."
Gil and Twan werent the only big stories in the offseason.
Fan favorite Roger Mason cashed out and was hired as the new editor at Deadspin!!!!
Mase is very excited about the opportunity!!!
"We are very excited about this opportunity. Like many young boys, we always dreamed about being an editor for Deadspin. We never thought this day would come true. We are humbled and ready to step in and contribute right away"
While we r so sad to be losing Mase, we are at least happy that he has found a good new home at Deadspin, Gawker's crown jewel... the salty-plump, turgid Big Bite amid the mottled, snapless specimens that turn on the oily rollers of Nick Denton's oily empire of wordy bitchmeats.... We love Nick Denton!!! Hes the Gay Tom Knott!!!!
And there was also the NBA Draft! Everybody has napoleonic incites about the draft. Its easy to be John Junior Mockdraft and say "u gotta take this guy John Nash!!!!" but things dont always go that way. Like just ask Juan Carlos Navarro!!. And Like in '06 when everyone was high on Quincy Douby and he turned out to be a Seth Rogen/Jack Klugman movie that is still stuck in pre-production!
We would just be happy to draft a starter for once. SOmeone who quite pans out. We had had our hopes set on Nathan Jawai, the first Aboriginie ever in the NBA!!!! We never even saw him play, but after seeing the DeShawn Stevenson japes on primetime TV last season, we just wanted to hear Hubie Brown explaining the "Point The Bone" gesture to the espn audience!!!
And we had hopes of getting Kevin Love, son of former Bullet Stan Love!!!
Kevin inherited his dads hoops skillzz! Better even, he inherited his dads huge stash of homegrown crying weed!! But most of all we had our hopes on drafting the cheeky little imp Petteri Koponen!!!!
aka "KID NOKIA" aka "THE FINNISH RIFLE!!!!!" No Sleep Til Helsinki!!!!
Out beloved intern Jaarko is from Finland! And he has had quite a summer since Petteri got drafted. Jaarko has been all over TVs in Finland on the talking shows as an expert of Basketball. The whole country in Finaland has been following Kid Nokia. He is most loved athelete since national hero Sulo Bärlund embarrassed Hitler by taking silver in the shot put at the Berlin Olympics in 1936!!!
Kid Nokia played great in the Vegas Summer league, which they called in Finland MOOMINSUMMER MADNESS. Kid Nokia's first summerleague game had a TV rating in Finland of 98.7!!!!!! Thats almost the whole country watching including TVs in prisons and madhouses! Jaarko has been so busy doing the talk circuit - hes been on all the biggest shows, like "Cold Mämmi" and "Aito Sports w/ Topi Köstas" which caused a big stir on the internet when Jaarko was ambushed by Grööp Gropinggar, the bestselling author of "Tuesdays with Magnus"!!!! Grööp erupted and lost his mind!!!
He yelled at Jaarko: "Jaarko you seem like a bright guy but quite frankly I think you are full of paska!!!! I have some of your incites here in my hand from your blög "wizznutzz.com" and they are most outrageous and full of impolite spellings. Maybe you say blögs are wonderful for us but I say they are hevonpaska!!!!"
It was very awkward!!!! I could tell Jaarko was nervous because he was doing that little thing with his hands that he always does when he's nervous - masturbating.
And then Ernie unveiled his most ambitious project yet, a spruce goose of a kid goes by the name JaVale McGee.
But we call him
THE VALE OF CASHMERE
The skinny on the skinny:
7 foot tall. Armspan = 2 fathoms. 2 Team All-WAC. 1st Team MAD magazine Writer's Group.
First thing we thought when we saw JaVale McGee play was.... "Tracy Morgan has AIDs?!???"
The second thing we thought was "Wow this kid is RAW!!!!"
I mean we know Ernie likes em raw. Ernie aint building a bench, Ernies building a Sushi bar. But the Vale? The Kids raw!!!! How raw?? The Vale so raw he only picked up a basketball for first time 2 years ago when he was 5 foot 4 and the University of Nevada told he they didnt have a Quidditch program!!! Hes more rookie raw than Gilbert's Mons Pubis!!! He's so raw he got 'Goodnight Moon' tattooed on his back!!! Hes so raw he sings when he laces up his sneaks:
Make a teepee. Come inside. Pull down tight so we can hide. Around the mountain... here we go!? Here's my arrow. Here's my bow.
WE watched the VALE play in the moist and jumpy paradise that is summerleague!
We learned that the Vale may either be the second coming of Kwame Brown, or - fingers crossed! - the first coming of Kwame Brown!!!
What else did we learn from Summerleague games???
We learned that Dee Brown raps and that he barrels into the lane with the panicked violence of a wild pig startled from the bush.
We learned that Vladimir Veremeenko is slighter, prettier, than we expected. We learned that he has bangs that are blond, expensive, and hands that are soft, expensive.
We learned of a kid named ELGAR, who has a 19th century hypnotist's name and an elegiac game.
We learned that Nick Young gets altitude sickness from his learning curve.
We learned that THE TASER is set to stun! And that he's having a baby! And that ANdray "ENDLESS SUMMER" Blatche is interviewing nannies!
But the Wiz arent the only ones working hard this summer!!! We came by the MoHut and found Ken Beatrice had gone Rumplestiltskin and....
Deeee-lux quality!!! On heavyweight name brand shirts!!! using the supple blood of Michael Westbrook!
(There are a couple exceptions: for now our custom shirt line, and the popular BLING ZER0 and BULLETS FEVER shirts are still made using the hi-quality printing of our old spreadshirt sweatshop!! This means right now you can still buy these shirts, but you just combine the shipping with the rest of the swag from our store...)
What does silk screening mean??? It means we will be able to bust out fancier designs and use more colors in our shirts fro n ow on!!!!
What's cooking on Agent Zero's fire bowl? Chicken? Shrimp? Black Mamba? It's all good. Only one thing matters: when Gilbert Arenas lights it up, you better step back or you're gonna' get burned! "HIBACHI!" Savor the snack-downs in our declious Hibachi tshirt!
Who is the man Who is an 18-time all-star? YAZ! Right on... Who is the man That leads the Red Sox in career RBIs, runs, hits, singles, doubles, total bases, games played, and who last won baseball's triple crown? YAZ! You're damn right! He's one bad son of a Skonieczny! For 23 years he was the heart and soul of the Boston Red Sox. Carl Yastrzemski, the man they call 'Yaz'.
My parents fled to the suburbs and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!!! White Flyte: The Pride of Suburbia! The White Flyte have been tearing up well-funded exurban rec. leagues for over two decades: from Atlanta, to DC, to Philly, to Cleveland. Don't be ashamed of your Beltway Outsider status! Diversity = Death! Your parents knew that years ago when they piled the young family into the station wagon and headed into the wild mild, out past the Dockers outlet store, like modern day pioneers. White Flyte basketball is uptempo basketball - it's all about running! Take your skills, and head to the hills, in one of our signature, authentic, fashionably honest White Flyte throwback tees!