Tuesday, February 12, 2008
The Inmates at the Saginaw Correctional Facility are breathing a big sigh of relief!!!
And our very own Darvin Ham is feeling as smashing as a backboard these days and its because his very own moms, former Saginaw Mayor, Wilmer Jones Ham-McZee MacBeth, WALKED FREE!!!!
For those of you who have been hiding in the bushes outside Bram Weinsteins bedroom for the last year, here is a recap of the sordid, hi-steaks, sensational tabloid trial of Mrs Ham-McZee, a trial we like to call
THE BURNING MA'AM FESTIVAL
(also we like to call it HAM SCAM!)
WHile nation has been gripped today watching another celebrity trial, aka Old Man Congress Vs The Palpable Mass, there has been a shockingly similar legal battle going on in Saginaw for the past many moons.
If you are new to this scandal, heres a brilliantly reported video catching you up on everything to date. Im not sure who made it but its the kinda groundbreaking journalism Charlie Rose could still be making if he hadnt quit the booze and touching.
OK then so here the timeline:
It all Started One year Ago...
Jones Ham was charged with felonies of ARSON and FRAUD for being accused of burning her '86 Mercedes just to collect the insurance moneys!!
Hey it was a big stakes crime for Saginaw!
I mean do you know the blue book value on an 86 mercedes with miles and fire damage???
'Hey Applebees waitress, can i see the wine list please!'
Wilmer Jones Ham says "IM NOT GUILY! I WANT MY DAY IN COURT! I DARE U TO LOCK ME UP! I AINT AFRAID OF YOUR LADY SHOWERS! I CAN BENCH PRESS MY WEIGHT IN CHILI"
Wilmer's longtime handyman, Jerry W. Wilkins, is arrested!! The Deus ex machina wore overalls!!! J-Wilks starts to talk and he tells a tale about falling asleep in the backseat of the Benz with a pail of petrol and a smoldering Kool. Then he changes story to how he was trying to smoke out some possums that had moved into the car then he changes story again to say fire business all started when he tried to warm up an old half smoke in the cars cigarette lighter. (Mercedes didnt install the automatic halfsmoke safety eject until 92 son!)
THIS WAS ALL SUSPICION CENTRAL, BUT NOT AS SUSPICIOUS AS...
while out on BOND Wilmer marries Curtis McZee, the Scottish music video director and Deacon at the Ham church, and, as uncovered first here, a BAILBONDSMAN for J & J Bail Bonds, Inc.
Deacon AND a bailbondsman? Get that man a reality show!
THE TRIAL BEGINS!
The trial brings out lots of passions and predjudices, like race for example.
Ham-McZee says she was victrim of "Hate Crime" and
Rev. Roy Manning, pastor of Saginaw's Corinthian Missionary Baptist Church, said this was a ''black witch hunt'' orchestrated by the ''good ol' boys in Saginaw County.''
The Good Ole Boys in Saginaw County?!?!?!?! hey Rev Rov have u had a look at saginaw census recently? Theres not too many good ole boys left!! Maybe u mean the Pacific Islanders? The census says you have 12 of them. Actually its only nine. 3 of them are really Dominicans who filled out the form wrong. And from what we hear YOU are the good ole boys now cuz the Pacific Islanders are the ones being treated like 3rd class citizens and they live in total fear. Those 9 islanders are from 2 nice, hardworkin' families who moved to Sagniaw to run a carpet store but the county government has accused them of being members of the 'SOS', aka the 'Sons of Somoa' gang, and they have been harrassed on all sides, from having sale of taro root banned to rugby declared a 'devil sport' to everyday the local citizens yelling at them across the street "hey go home volcano face" and kids singing "Papeeter, Papeeter, Papaya Eater!!"
The trial also brought to durface hard questions about LOVE, POWER, CLASS, BETRAYAL
In three hours of conflicting testimony, the onetime handyman to former Saginaw Mayor Wilmer Jones Ham McZee denied torching her 1986 Mercedes-Benz and said she pressured him into admitting he did.
Jerry W. Wilkins, 51, revealed that he and Ham McZee once had a romantic relationship and said he signed a typed confession that she handed him because "she told me to."
"I would never do nothing to hurt her," Wilkins said. "She treated me like a mother."
(Ham) showed up at his house and asked him to sign an affidavit attesting that he accidentally set the blaze.
"PLEASE MRS HAM FORGIVE ME!!! " WITNESS: Curtis McZee!
What a sad place for this simple, kind handyman, a poor mans Kato Kaelin, who is taken in by his boss lady and get emotionally dependent on her and becomes her lost, tender puppet. Then Lady McZee McBeth busts in and is all:
I have given suck, and know How tender 'tis to love the babe that milks me: I would, while it was smiling in my face, Have pluck'd my nipple from his boneless gums, And dash'd the brains out, had I so sworn As you have done to this.
aka HANDYMAN UP wilkins! she yells. and He yells back crying: "MacBeth I hear you calling" and signs away his good name!
THIS is really just like the Roger Clemens Brian McNamee thing!!!
Think about it, a powerful, famous figure, a simple errandboy who goes to work for his idol and gets foolishly caught up in some shady biz, then tries to defend himself, then has emotional world collapses when he is forced to side against his idol and employer, then cries "forgive me , Ill Sign It, Ill go to jail for you!"
Its true its the same! like bizarro version. If Wilmer had named her son "Karvin" Ham instead of Darvin then basically the symmetry would be chillingly complete!
"IS YOUR HEDGE TRIMMER LEAKING OR ARE U JUST HAPPY 2 SEE ME???"
Then the trial really heats up with this shocking confession!!!!!
Toward the end of his testimony, Special Prosecutor Michael S. Wolsh asked Wilkins if he had a romantic relationship with Ham McZee.
"Do I have to answer that question?" a hesitant Wilkins asked.
Wilkins said the relationship occurred when he rented a room across the street from Ham McZee before she married Curtis McZee this May.
so THATS what Wilkins meant when he said:
he was sitting in the back seat of the Mercedes smoking a cigarette, waiting for Ham McZee to return home so he could trim her shrubs
Hey Wilkins, you smoke the cigarette AFTER u trim the ladies shrubs!
Ahhhh... there is nothin like the forbidden, fumbling, pre-trial passion between a powerful mother figure and her mother-figure-loving surrogate man-son. SOmebody call Merchant Ivory!
But in the end WILMER GETS OFF WITH COMMUNITY SERVICE!!!!
They didnt say what the community service will be tho.
Maybe she can go door to door in saginaw countin the white people. Maybe she can talk to young Pacific Islanders about the dangers of the gangsta lifestyle. Maybe she can spend time glueing pennies to the bottom of the town fountain. Or maybe she can be put to work at the Saqinaw zoo trying to get the towns 3-legged tiger back into its cage.
I hope u dont think she got off light. You think 3 legged tiger is not dangerous? You crazy cause 3-leggers are MORE dangerous than regular tiger . Thats what diabetes does to tiger. Makes em angry. Never heard of diabetes in a tiger? Well i guess u never been to a zoo that feeds the animals stuffed-crust pizzas and starburst!
Hop on the comments free people and give us you community service suggestions!!!
August Strindberg aka "The VOLE" was going to be selling his newest graphic novel!
We have been Furries ever since Anthrocon 05 when Dana aka "Cloaca-Mae" was approached by a man in a vintage Winnie The Pooh suit with a sign that said "Touch My Honeypot Christopher Robin" and it turned out to Be fellow mascot enthusiast Jerry Stackhouse!!!
JStack turned us onto the whole scene and some weekends he would pick us up in his Escalade and we just roll , roll away with the wind in our hair... roll away from our uncomfortable bald naked manskins and from bald naked man-prejudice
ANyway so we needed to find housing for Anthrocon07 since Courtyard by Marriot banned furries after last year because of mascot-sized scats in the morning danish cart and that missing south african tourist found in the pouch of "Mike The Wallaby"
SO Jaarko posted on furrie message boards : "GerbilSeeksRacoons!" and a guy called "Foxwolfie" emailed us . He seemed nice enough!!
He promised us space in his den outside pittsburgh!!
But then he started talking to Jaarko about this money-making idea he had. He said he had a real sex tape of "a famous celebrity" and that he would sell it to Jarrko for $400 and that Jaarko could put it on our website and make millions for Pay-Per-View selling so Jaarko says "YOA!!!" and now we are out $400 and stuck with old betamax tape of what turns out to just be video of EVAN Longoria playing Nintendo 64 with his shirt off!!! SO long story short, we are back at Wheaton Plaza, but still in our fur constumery since we already paid for them. Circuit city loves us because The kids love us and because the mice dont!!!
And there was some mail in our box when we got back!
KFERG is genious no doubt. He learned the damn KEYTAR at age 3. He was a keytar protege and the oldest of DR FINK'S 12 sons. DR FINK worked him hard, like earl woods, to give him the keytar opportunities he never had. He went on Carson and played "Stray Cut Strut" on synth at age 4!! Doc Severensen was visibly pleased!!!
AND ALSO, Wizznutzz Northen Indiana Bureau CHIEF ANDREW SENDS US THIS SIGHTING OF the "POWERFUL AND CRAFTY" GOD:
Your faithful correspondent in the basketball backwoods of Elkhart, Ind., (former home of Shawn "Supersperm" Kemp!), Andrew, reporting in on the IBL "World Championship" held here in the friendly confines of North Side Gym Saturday night. The reigning champs, the Elkhart Express, hosted the Portland Chinooks for all the marbles, and eked out a 113-109 win. All was well in Elkhart, the new epicenter of the hoops world.
But one fact escaped me until Sunday evening: The Chinooks were piloted by none other than Shammgod Wells, AKA God Shammgod! God passed out 15 assists in the losing effort, but that's not all he dished out. From The Truth's story for publication Monday:
"After Elkhart had stormed back from a 17-point, third-quarter deficit to draw as close as 74-71 late in the period, the powerful and crafty Wells, a former NBA player and Providence College star, drove the lane on consecutive possessions, got fouled both times and hit all four free throws to restore the Chinooks' lead to 78-71.
With most in the crowd of 3,244 booing lustily, Wells shook his head and waved mockingly to the fans to turn up the volume as he stepped to the line, then held his hand to his ear halfway through each set of free throws as if to say, "I can't hear you."
That only riled up the fans more.
And their developing dislike for Wells may have been at least a little bit of what kept those fans fired up after Portland stretched its lead back out to 99-87 with just 7:23 remaining in the game.
Sweet irony how it all worked out.
After Elkhart took its first lead since the first quarter at 107-105, Wells had a chance to even the score with another pair of free throws.
He missed the first, the crowd squealed and laughed and roared in response, and the Chinooks never did catch the Express the rest of the way.
"He started it, and I'm glad he did," Elkhart guard Coleco Buie said after the game.
"It doesn't take much with our crowd," Express coach and owner Daimon Beathea said of Wells' third-quarter gestures, "but, yeah, I was glad to see it."
Certainly Cedric Moodie noticed, and Elkhart's season scoring leader didn't approve.
"Oh, yeah, I remember it," Moodie said of Wells' maneuvers. "I give them a lot of credit for being a good team, but I think they were kind of disrespecting us, too. They were kind of arrogant, and we didn't take that too well. We had to do what we had to do."
Teammate Correy Childs was a little more amused than Moodie, but ultimately, he thought Wells' ridicule played into the game as well.
"That's a typical New York guard," Childs said with a chuckle of the New York City native. "They like that type of stuff, but as a basketball player, you've just got to use it as motivation to work harder to stop him. He had a good game, but we did a pretty good job on him."
Moodie, Tim Pledger, Rashi Johnson and Darmetreis Kilgore were among those who had turns at guarding Wells, who dominated during the first half, but was slowed considerably in the second.
Wells netted 14 points to go with 6-of-7 shooting from the field and 12 assists before intermission as Portland took a 60-45 lead, but added just seven points, 1-of-7 field-goal shooting and three assists after the break."
I thought you might be interested in hearing of Shamm's voyage to north-central Indiana. I also attached a photo of the veteran guard for your enjoyment.
Damn, Elkharrt fans are harsh! They boo god!
But This story is obviously faker than Jim Lynams tax return!
For one, we all know that when God isnt in the Chitown McDOnalds, that hes busy recording posthumus Tupac records. Second of all the names are obviously fake!
"Rashi Johnson"?? Only place u gonna find that name is on Danas caller ID! !!!
And "Moodie", "Tim Pledger", and "Darmetreis Kilgore"???
Those are all Harry Potter characters, not IBL playas!!!
You all know Ronnie Mervis!! He is tha KING OF BLING and one of DCs famous "diamond brothers". He runs the business and hangs with cashed up local rollers like CLinton Portis while his brother Zed watches over the African mines and raises prize winning German Shepherds! Zed hopes to join Ronnie in the US once US Customs and United Nations soon lifts its sanctions on him that were imposed for a misunderstanding involving a 1998 cargo of 'West Indian Gherkin' that 'escaped' off the coast of Trinidad!
Our hearts and prayers r with Davrin but we know if anyone can help us it is Ronnie Mervis!!
We R sorry the site is having so much problems. I left the TRS99-4A home computer in Kens hands but Sibley Cross Hospital just phoned to say Ken swallowed the batteries for the tape recorder hard drive!!! We r working on it!
Also, tru fact, I was in AUSTRALIA!!!!!! I was there for many reason:
One, I brought my mother there for fresh air and powdered wombat bone so she can convalesce and get away from the pressure of her upcoming trialaka the "Burning Ma"am" Festival, for torching her 86 Benzo for insurance dimes. We hope to get the Judge Who Cried from the case of Anna Nicole Smith v. The Darkness trial. He seems a a fair man and would understand that just because my mom, Former Saginaw Mayor Wilmer Jones Ham, fled from police in a white pinto with her best friend Altamese Allen is not sign of guilt but of normal flight mechanism of scared animals. I know people want to turn my mom into power crazed "Lady Macbeth" but stubborn stains do not equal madness, even bacon stains. But Im no Rod Strickland. I knows a bum beef when I sees one. I am committing my times to hunting down the "real" firebugs: Cecil A. Collins Jr. and Handyman Jerry W. Wilkins. Hey JDubs, there aint nothing "Handy" about passing out drunk in the bosses backseat with a can of gas and a lit Newport. And then There are so many natural ways a ladys car can catch alight. Saginaw as u know has bad problem with Mexican possums and fire is only way to burn those buggers out when they take nest in your car. Plus have u seen what kind of Guy Fawkes pyrotechnics happen when a unattended hair iron is left on around a plastic salad bowl full of week-old Dudley's Salon Control Gel Activator????
AND BOOM GOES THE WALLABY!
It will be OK. Thanks for all your letters of support. I am not worried about my Moms. If she has to do hard time in an all-womens prison then Im not worried. Mom can bench press her wait in canteen chili and can swap her special Ham family pruno for stamp money. She can hold her mud. She aint sellin wolf tickets and isn"t afrad to shower around ladies.
Anyways meantime I enjoyed Australia! Its a couintry like Ron Artest's Tru Warior records: fiercely independent and founded by convicts! I have been keeping busy.
On the plane trip I listened to this Steve Buckhantz call for 16 hours in a row, lent Ralph Fiennes my travel lotion, and had my cheeseBoot detonated on the tarmac by Australian customs!
I was guest assistant coach at BDL - Bogan Development League with Andrew "Fatal Shore" Bogut and former Bullet Andrew "White Vegemite" Gaze!! Andrews dad Lindsay is famous Oz coach, like an outback Jimmy 'The Rat' Lynam, and was showing the young Oz ballers the Eddie Jordan offense aka "The Walkabout".
But don"t get me wrong, it wasn"t all work we also had more japes than a Yahoo Serious Film Festival!
First I went to a fancy art gallery because they added "FEAR POUCH" to the permanent collection of indigenous art.
Then Shane Heal took me down to St Kilda beach and I paraded around in nothing but my Ugg boots and lycra budgie smugglers! We had too many Matilda Bay Wine Coolers and got in a scrape in the parking lot of Bojangles Niteclub when I found out the hard way that ABoriginies don"t like it much when u ask them to "point the bone" !!!!!
Did u know integrity spins down the toilet counter-clockwise in Austalia???
Andrew Gaze called his dance partner, Linda DeNicola "The Michael Jordan of Dancing". I guess that means she did the Hustle, then stood in the spotlight and got like Morris Day and made Gaze dance in front of her with a big mirror like that yes man Jerome so she could admire herself, then she slept with Gaze's wife, called him a "flaming faggot", fleeced 10K out of him on side bets, and finally, bought an ownership stake in Australia"s Dancing with the Stars, brought in her own "celebrity" dancers Leonard Hamilton and Doug Collins and ran the franchise into the ground.
Salieri will never learn!!! He keeps rising up in the bowl like some unflushable turd. If only he could be like Don Fabrizio, the faded, existentially lost aristocrat from The Leopard who accepts that glory is conceit:
"We were the Leopards, the Lions, those who'll take our place will be little jackals, hyenas; and the whole lot of us, Leopards, jackals, and sheep, we'll all go on thinking ourselves the salt of the earth."
And now hes ponied up his share of the divorce cut to buy into Bernie Butterstaffs Charlotte Bobcats!
In every relationship, trust is very important; never break that trust.
Hey where is his vow about promising "to wipe off the musky stink of adultery before I kiss u goodnite"?
This maakes me think of an other Wizard's wedding vows. No Not Gilbert!!! Hes not married yet to Laura Govan b/c he's still waiting for Talmudic scholarz to decode the 900 page prenup provided by Laura's law firm of Eisenstein, Warburton and Hibachi. But when that special day comes for Gil to make an honest baby mama of LG heres betting he vows:
I vow to love and honor you through the best of times and the worst, and to play online solitaire during all the times in between
But the Wizard I was thinking of was someone different.
Thanks to the Freedom Of Edutainment Act, Wizznutzz have obtainbed exlusive copy of Michael Ruffins wedding vows!!!
I, Michael Ruffin, do solemnly vowe to always walk ahead of you to protect you of harm. If that means 2 or 3 blocks ahead of you because there have been reported squirrel sightings, then so be it.
I swear before God that I will never be too old to cook breakfast for you in the nude.
I promise to capture your fears and release them, like squirrels, onto the neighbors property.
It shall be my great joy to open your eyes to the rich bounties of life, and to provide you a Sears and Roebuk credit card with which to seize them.
I pledge to you that yours will be the name I cry aloud in the night and yours will be the eyes into which I first smile in the morning, not including the glazed eyes of the Eastern Fox squirrel I killed at daybreak.
I promise you a rose garden, and that I shall tend to it tirelessly, even at the expense of our time together, baiting the traps, felling the surrounding trees, gassing dormant nests, encasing the bed in 12 inch reinforced concrete so not one nut shall find purchase, and synchornizing the small, pressure-sensitive explosives.
I dont know who we r influencing exactly but its a safe bet they are carrying around a warm block of Philly cream cheese in their front jeans pocket!! There has been a tipping point that much is 4 sure. Since day wizznutzz launched, livestock fertility in Holland has tripled!
NICE SHIRT D SHAN!
Thanx for the honor DAN and JMOTTZ! Sure we've had some awards before, like Lifetime Acheivement In Innovation from the Dairy Board, and Mike Russo declared our collection of nude Maury Chaykin photos as one of "Top 10 Sites I check Each Morning", and then when our intern Jaarko was first Finnish person to ever win gold at the "Giffy" awards for animated gifs for his floating Ghitza heads. but this is special!
Meantime, Agent Zero has major new BLOG incites.
First up, he mentions one of wizznutzz fave things ever: his Dad's cameo on TNBC hit show HANG TIME!
Its the coolest cameo since Brendan Todd Haydwood's dad Spencer starred in a 'very special episode' of Growing Pains where he taught Maggie Seaver about the dangers of the Post-Suburban Mandingo COmplex!!!
Hangtime starred Reggie Theus! Building a sitcom around Reggie Theus is like building an offense around Calvin Booth! Gil Sr took the role real serious. Not MiamiViceserious mind u, but serious no doubt. Maybe it even went to his head a bit, like when he would go to Gil Jrs ball games and heckle him "Your game OK but you aint no Julie Connor!"
Gil SR stayed in REF character for 16 months! This is why sometimres AGent Zero gets so distressed letting zebras get into his dome.
he named him Trplie A: Alijah Amani Arenas! It was a toss up between that name and Ashraf Amaya Arenas!!!
Gil is already competing with his son:
I was talking a little trash to him already.
I told him hopefully he darkens up a little bit, because he was a little light in the skin. Then I told him he needs to watch the movie 300, because he needs to be a Spartan type of man.
We first compoared the Arenas men to Spartans last year:
Gilbert is like a SPartist. In ancient SParta they had no currency or capital and eveyone sat about and had tons of free time and no jobs and almost everyone was a musician --like Takoma Park but more showering!
Agent Zeros gonna be an awesome dad. He's gonna be the Earl Woods of HALO!!!! He bought his son a tiny couch to sleep on! He's already playing his signature pranks on AAA: hosing him off when he makes potty, pulling all the heads of his stuffed toys, replacing his children's asprin with candy Runts!
AAA is a sweet nickname. Its better than our choices: "The Turnover" "Sub Zero", "All The Black Presidents Men" , and "Hippolitolito" !!!
Hop on the comments board and give us your own Gil Jr Jr Nicknames!!!!
News reports say Ms Ham's "HAndyman" Peter "Party" John Ramos first admitted to the arson saying he was smoking in the backseat of her car with a tub of lawn tool gasoline but authorities quickly doubted his story when PJ Ramos couldnt explain two things:
1. Why he had a queen of hearts card in his breast pocket 2. Why a former army General from North Korean gave Ramos' name to customs officials when he was stopped last week at Logan airport with a suitcase of 15 dead wallabies
In the video Wilmer supporters call for "MILLION HAM MARCH" while a white woman calls black people "fishy"!!!