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Thursday, May 15, 2008

Brian Scalabrine

In case you have been hiding under a Scott LaRock, then go listen right now to:

"Scal Says" : Brian Scalabrine's stoopidphresh LeBron Diss Track from the great genius JE SKEETS! Its some primecut canadain bacon. Phinnishing what tha Wiz done started! !!

SCAL SAYS in on permamnent rotation over at GOD SHAMMGOD'S MIXTAPE!!!
Along with Jay-Zs DeShawn DIss Track "Blow The Whistle" and Pro'Verb's Jay-Z/LeBron Diss Track "PSA" and two classic remixes of Wizznutzz original diss track "Queen James"


And pick up your CRYBABY TEE!
CHEAP! NOW IN MANY COLORS and STYLEz! Bitterness is a dish best served moist!



posted by wizznutzz

Wednesday, December 26, 2007
dream team

Bob Geldof asked the question one time:

Do They Know It's Christmas Time in Africa?

Well of course they do! In Africa its Christmas EVERY DAY with all the celebrity handouts they get while all they do is sit around and wait 4 rain and Starburys.

Africans wake up everyday asking the questions "Did Angelina Jolie steal any of my babies last night??" and then " I wonder what presents the FedEX man will bring from Big Charity today?!!!

Will it be a solar powered laptop?
Will it be a second hand WHAM! t-shirt?
Will it be Capris Sun purification tablets?
Will it be those limited edition Dikembe Mutombo Reebok Relief Pumps(tm) that provide ankle support plus power my village for 6 hours?

There is lots of ignorance about the country Africa.

Like did you know that Burkina Faso is a small African country that was colonized in 1982 by former players from the ABA?

Well its true!

Or did you know that the biggest shopping mall in the world is in Sierra Leone?
It has no roller coaster in it but it does have Bono in the food court and the only Chesapeake Knife & Tool store to sell AK-47s. (It also has the most profitable branch of Spencer Gifts in the world, even more profitable than the one in Wheaton Plaza, but Wheaton Plaza Spencer Gifts doesnt recognize the SIerra Leone Spencer because they say their popular edible underpants are heavily subsidized by the UN.)

Or did you know that Rap Music was invented in Africa?

Well we do, thats why we were so excited when we got a very special, very rare, 7" record in the mail from one of the godfathers of African Rap...

No not Fear of a Ladysmith Black Planet
No not Namibians With Attitude
No not America Bambaataa
No not even a record from the murderous neo-soul band: Idy! Idi! Idé!
No its even more huge than all of those, it was


hurt em bad rap unbeatable dream

This Etonic promo joint dropped in 1987, and a legendary producers Hurt Em Bad, helped out Akeem a little. Hurt Em Bads job was to "write" and "perform" the song. You remember Hurt Em Bad - we had their classic song "NBA Rap" this summer.
You can read all about that
and download it right here on God Shammgods mixtape!

The song Unbeatable Dream is chopped and screwed, Houston style, and featurez Akeem throwing out the truth like Zulu spears:


Seven foot tall with a basketball he slams like he's insane
Grand-Master of the NBA but just a novice at the game

Dripping with sweat & soaking wet ETONICS on his feet

His name's Akeem but he's called the Dream,

And I won't accept defeat.

Unbeatable - Undefeatable - He's Unbelievable - Unbeatable

From Africa Olajuwon means striving to the top

Twin Tower number 34 The Dream cannot be stopped

A warning to the competition throughout the NBA

He's going for the MVP, So c'mon make my day

Unbeatable - Undefeatable - He's Unbelievable - Unbeatable

With ETONIC shoes & inside moves he powers to the hoop

He takes a pass high above the glass for the one-hand alley-oop

And you won't survive on the dribble-drive cause he'll steal it from your bands

Think you're hot? Then take a shot and he'll slap it in the stands

Unbeatable - Undefeatable - He's Unbelievable - Unbeatable

Akeem is back with shoes that match in his red white and gold

And if you wanna be Number 1 then this is what I'm told

Work up a sweat get soaking wet keep striving like Akeem

And put ETONICS on your feet, And be just like the Dream

Unbeatable - Undefeatable - He's Unbelievable - Unbeatable


These lyrics r awesome but one thing is clear:

Hurt em bad dropped the ball of coming up with good rimes for ETONIC, rimes like BUBONIC CHRONIC, or MONALO BLAHNIK or MONOPHONIC TONIC.

ALso another thing is clear, them boys have a for real sweat fetish!!! There is no "right" guard for running the moist offense of Hurt em Bad!!!

When people bought copies of Unbeatable Dream, some money went to fight horrible disease called LUPUS.

There is rule for scientists for African diseases: The funnier the name, the more horrible is the disease. Like "Teste Fly". Hilarious. DEADLY. Same is true for Lupus, which is sickness brought by waterborne parasite in africa that goes into brain and makes your head swell up 3 times normal size like character its named for: "Lupus" from Charlie Brown comics.



posted by wizznutzz

Friday, August 03, 2007
Stop the Presses Jeff Chang!!!

GOd Shammgods Mixtape is about to...

Last Season JE Skeets broke the story about how former Wizard and Wizznutzz hero Tyrone Nesby had moved to Lithuania to play ball and blew up as a local rap star, and then Wizznutzz delivered some stunning details bout how 'T-NEZ' had blown up bigger than Jievaras, the God of Grains , like some kinda a Baltic Montell Jordan:

Now if you check from T-Nez's website, you see him relaxing in the Dnepr-Bug drainage basin aka Darius Songalia Memorial BLVD like he owns the damn place! and thats cuz he just about does because since T-Nez has backing of powerful Lithuanian Mafia Seimos Lygino Asilas aka The Family of The Iron DOnkey and he is now like Vilinius' Most Notorious, and he rolls through town with 24" spinners on his Yugo, kicks it in his delux 300 sqft, 7 bedroom loft with its vaulted 6' ceilings and tru cement floors, hes wearing top luxury goat skin trenchcoats with London Fog labels sewn inside, and he wont think not 2 seconds about dropping 4, even 5 euros, on VIP tab for fermented milk bottle service.

Like all those Jazz musicians back in tha day who moveD to europe to find respect and find their groove , T-Nez took his enormously ginger JAZZ HANDS overseas and found a place where he could finally be comfortable in his own skin, a place where "Tnez could just be Tnez", whether he was just freestylin for his boys at a saturday bloc party or headlinin in front of thousands of screaming fans at the Skamba Skamba Kankliai Folk Festival,.

Sure at first the reaction was a bit aggressive and they were suspicious of this stranger and ugly racism reared its head when the countrys Minister for Radios labelled his music "Jungle Polka" . But TNez is nothing if not a fighter, and he showed the tenacity that once got him elected as a 3rd Team ALternate to the 2001 Vegas Summerball all-star game . He did not fit in he knew that but saw a special opporunity in being a fish out of water. So He became a cultural hip-hop missionary, like a Johnny Applebeats, roaming the fields and rebar skyways and soon Lithuanian locals came to embrace TNes and found the truth that they needed him as much as he needed them, it was like the PERFECT STRANGERS story but without having those unwanted images of COusin Larry having sex on the couch , just suddenly popping into your brain. up and down! up and down! like an anxious jackhammer. Next thing u know, Tnez has endorsement deals with 'ROKASWear' and '40/40 Pork Water' AND is charity spokesman for The Black River Spastic Society!!!!!

So we where very excited when our copy of SERIOUS BUSINESS arrived in the post last week!!!

The site we ordered it off of was all in Lithuanian so we didnt know what we were clicking mostly and so we were extra happy to get our CD and also a hot-headed new bride for Jaarko!!! She thinks Jaarko is very handsome! She also thinks Jaarko is mayor of a shiny AMerican town called 'Circuit City' so dont say anything until we have sold the dowry on eBay!!


Prior Records : 2005


Wizznutzz Rating: 4 out of 5 CheeseBoots




Let everyone on the Red Line to Shady Grove know you've got some "Serious Business" to attend to!!!!!



Well, "Serious Business" aint no "2 MUCH DRAMA" but by the The CHocolate Chicken of Aitvaras... TNEZ can RAP!!!!

The record has lots of good songs and is about lots of big themes, themes like overcomin haters, finding a place in the world, staying strong, jewels, women, loyalty, respect, fate, GATs. Not GAT the gun, GAT the firm salty rabbits-milk yogurt thats popular in the Lith housing commissions.

On "SB" TNez sharez the mic with lots of other emigre idols:

like tradin 8s with round the way girl Erica Jennings , the Irish hottie whos rippin up tha local charts with the Lith pop jugganaut SKAMP

and also with TANOKA BEARD, the Captain Kurtz of foreign balling. The '93 Boise State grad has been playing Overseas for almost 15 years!!!! Hes also got his own record.
Listen on his website!
Hes got that veteran sound, like an Expat Big Daddy Kane!!

'MY LIFE' is TNez's SIgnature TUNE.



The beginning of the song is soooooo cool.
Its not even rapping or the music yet, its just TNes voice, and hes talking to himself, almost in a whisper, and hes all real serious, walkin through fire, contemplating some heavy thoughts:

" Ugh, the things we go through...
Just Life...
Im always wondering... how my life's gonna be....
You wanna hear about it?

and then... BOOM!!!

All of a sudden hes rapping! just like that! we rollin!
I think Tnez maybe even invented this technique.!!!
I ask u name one other rapper who starts songs all one-on-one personal like this???? OK so maybe you answer me "ALL RAPPERS IN HISTORY" but then I ask you right back:

What heavy thingz Justin Timberlake gotta think about???

"I wonder if I can get direct deposit on my Mouseketeers pension?"
"WHich hat will I wear today?"
"Who will wipe up the cold fried chicken skins that Britney left on my leather settee?""


The next thing you notice on this song are the beats and you notice that are SLAMMIN.

SOunds just like some Neptunes shits but Neptunes managers said Neptumes too busy "Not Ruining Their Careers" so TNEz gave back and went local, and held open auditions for the area "LITTERS" - (thats what they call the scrappy white lithuanian timbaland wannabees over there). There were many good candidates including a guy with a double PHD in CuBase and DRainage from the Vilnius Pedagogical Institute, but TNes gave the job to Stanislavas Stavickis (aka STANO aka S-DUBS) and Martynas Puchovicius (aka Mr P) because he was so entertained by their interview:

"So why should I hire you dudes to make my album?"

"My man TNez, we are black like you my man, we hard my man, harder than the Moor Candyman"

"What about you kid?"

"U dont even know me!" "Im a customer, Im housin, How you like me now?!" "Like Tyson Im Frozen." "I drink the gin of Jews!" "Calvin Klein is not my friend, I dont have name for my rectum!" "I like to juggle sometimes it make me wonder why I keep from going under!"
U want see my UTFO membership card? No I'm real, is here, I have laminated.

Tnes' faith paid off. He discovered the second coming of PM DAWN!!!!


When I heard the chorus for the first time i was floating outside my Toughskins(tm) jumpsuit in a state of outofbody bliss not even a lifetime in the mothering hut could bring, that is how powerful and breathtakingly exquisite is the sounds of this ambrosious rapture.!!!!!

Yet as otherworldy as it was, there was something familiar about it .... and then I got it
"SO THATS what happened to the SOlomon island Pygmies after Deep Forest broke up!!!

But then i listened closer and knew that it must be a kids choir.
Everyone loves kinds choirs!
Kids choirs are the songs of angels!
Their voices are so innocent and hopeful and alive that you get that feeling, you know what feeling when you are around children where you want to hold the innocence just to yourself forever and ever so much that you just want to smother the sound out of their little bodies??? U know what I mean. And so does TNes. TNes loves kids choirs. When they got into the studio he was like:

"I want the Harlem Boys CHoir!
Puffy had the Harlem Boys Choir.
Kanye had the Harlem Boys Choir.
Jay Z had the Harlem Boys choir."

Unfortunately for TNes he didnt get the Harlem Boys Choir.
Wanna know why?
Well "Serious Business" was bankrolled by an aid loan from the International Monetary Fund and the loan rules say that none of the money can go to fund a project that displaces indigenous artists. CHeck the tarriff stamp!

SO when they explained that to TNes hes like

"Shit son, then get me the Lithuanian Boys Choir!"

Unfortunately for TNes he didnt get the Lithuanian Boys Choir neither.
Wanna know why?
Cause there aint none. Not anymore at least. There used to be, but after a landfill of defective Lance Armstorng plastic "LIVE STRANG" bracelets leaked into the waterways it 'strang'eled millions of migrating birds and it also got into the drinking situation and by 2002 boys were reaching puberty and "living strang" in Lithuania at age 6 and the angels started sounding like niteclub bouncers and since Lithuania outlawed castration in 2001, they had to make the LBC out of grown, shaved, men and changed the voices in post-production and that was going good until the government discovered that local Lith. chains of Outback Steakhouse were acting like underground railroads to help members of the LBC defect to tha west, and this was just 2 much drama in the LBC, so in 2k3 they outlawed all men singing in groups of 3 or more. Ever curious what happened to Bel Biv Devoe after that european tour ? Check effin Alytus Prison!

SO finally TNes says

"get me your biggest pop star! Gimme your biggest local diva!
Gimme the Lithuanian Beyonce!"

And TNes got the
Lithuanian Beyonce.

Her name is TELE BIM BAM, and she was the national finalist for the 2005 Lithuanian Eurovision SOngwriting COntest!!!

Thats here you hear singing on "My Life"

And HERE is her singing her smash hit


ANd TELE BIM BAM definitely has an inner Beyonce, (even though she has an outer 250 pound hausfrau singing Wiggles songs with an ABBA cover band.)


Ever notice how many cool white saxaphone players there were in the 80s??
They were hard to recognize sometime cause they had disguises, and wore sunglasses. Sometimes they dressed like spies.

But when they stepped out of the fuscia shadows to blow their solo there was no mistaking what they really where: soulful electric mozarts!!!!!

Now do you Ever wonder what the eff happened to all these eccentric masters when the 80s finished????

They just all disappeared! What? There was major colony collapse, but no No bodies!
What, You think they just retired? You think they just got regular jobs??? you know thats not true even as you tell it to yourself. WHite sax soloists cant hold down a 9 to 5. they dont wear socks for one thing. but a regular job well thats like being an animal in a cage for them. They might as well be dead if they cant rear back, in silhouette against a cardboard neon skyline, and express their passion in brassy, narrow-tied busrts.

No they didnt just go away. All the 80s sax stars went to Lithuania where they are prized like kings!!! After the 80s, it was like the scramble for nuclear scientists after the fall of Berlin!!! San Diego, Wildwood NJ, and the Bel Azur beach resort in Lebanon, all came after them, offering riches and papers and hair care products that are banned in the west and flattery and wives. Lithuania offered all that and more. But thats not what sealed the deal.

The Sax Men needed just one taste of the long, deep Lithuanian summer twilight to know they had come home. That magically smooth ultramarine dusk; that quivering cerulean gateway between day and dark, between protocol and poetry, when the night creatures first stir.

Cuz Session saxes dont live under flags, by maps or borders...
They live like wolves in the warm nuance of twilight.

(Plus it didnt hurt that Lithuania was the birthplace of the original Saxaphone, aka the AEROPHONE:

WHich makes it extra sweet that TNez hooked up the sax in 'My Life', since Lithuania also birthplace of Rap music, which TNez recognizes when he gives props in the liner notes to "My Renaissance Niggaz" Jacobus Gallus and Krystof Harant

Renaissance Music Niggaz


No labor no profit
I read that in a book.....

I was blessed with this bread
For all the shit I took

TNez is packing on more layers than the Caron Butler Coat Drive with this litlle lyrcial myrical!!!!

Check the double meaningz:

at first looks this song is all about what all rap is about: "I Gotta Get Mine"
Like those Applebee's Objectivists Salieri and Queen James say, a Mans soul = a shoebox under the bunk that you spend yo life fillin with money.

But then TNez goes and flips tha scipt:

No labor no profit
I read that in a book.....

And at first u thinking:
"Sweet Tnez giving shout out to his former teammate LARON PROFT"

But on closer look, TNez is also giving props to KARL MARX, aka the Linda Lavin of Communism aka THA PLAYAS COACH, and his "LABOR THEORY OF VALUE"!!!!

TNez has been following the teachings of the Lithuanian Socialist Party ever since he read RObert Owens bestselling motivational book: "Together We Move Our Cheese"!!


Shit done changed, I 'aint broke no mo'
This is for the ones who thought I'd never go forward

Y'all used to smile in my face, but smile behind my back bro
Knew y'all wouldn't riff(?) on my down, fallen prey

Shit I've got it made
For all y'all that didn't believe it,
That I was gonna fail when I was ballin' over seas
That's the last time yall put odds against me
Now y'all sit and watch while I'm hot bustin' threes

Y'all remember
And you motherfuckers know who you are
Who said T-Nes would never be a star

With these words T-Nes addresses all the haters, saying "Respek Tha ARkitekt!!"
He dont mention names, but you dont need Calbert Cheaney smarts to figure out that TNes is turnin up the heat on the growing East Bloc - West Bloc rap rivalry that started when NBA rapper Tony Parker called TNez a "Gros connasse" backstage at the European MTV awards.
TP better squash that!!!
Dont he know he cant never win?
Only way you can stop TNes is to POP TNez but u kill TNez and TNez is reborn larger in death than in life, like Tupac, u gun him down, 5 years from know even bell hooks be wearing the tshirt!!!!!

But also TNes be speaking to all y'alls that doubted , TNes saying "yo it says Payback on front of the Maybach" even though it really say "Looza" on front of his "Meduza" but its all good.

Cuz not only did TNes make it overseas, he owns the damn joint.

They worship him so bad they built a statue!! Not some lumpy little thing like that statue Micahel Jordan got in chicago, but a monstrous wonder that practically straddles estaern europe like goddam Collusus of Rhodes . TNEs's statues so big, its bigger than those giant Buddah statues in Afganistan that the Taliban blew up just before hollywood could fire up Blue Thunder to fly them to the safe acres of Roy Scheiders estate in East Hampton. But dont EVEN think the Taliban gonna be blowing up the TNez statue!!! Cause the TNes statue is seriously defended. For one it is guarded by the Aukstaitijan Shepherd Boys, who are trained in lethal arts of traditonal folk combat, and who have a fanatical devotion to TNez ever since he stood up for them during the terrible 2003 drought when he said on live TV "Valdas Adamkus doesnt care about Shepherds!!" and personally organized massive airlift of half-smokes in operation "Taste the Freedom!".And Even if the Taliban got past the shepherd guard, that statue is weaponized to the grillz, its like some f**kin Optimus Prime shits!!! Beneath the statues giant bronze DO-RAG is a sophisticaed COMSAT satellite targeting system that will send out lasers of death if it so much as sniffs a bearded arab in an old blue toyota pickup!!!! And dont say its "profiling" its just hard facts we face in these hard times. The world is "Serious Business" now, after 9/11 freedom aint no John COugar Melloncamp song or some trained eagle flying to home plate - freedom is hard facts, like fact that Taliban stands for things that have no place in freedom and HIPHOP:

-Disrespecting women
-Dealing drugs
-Driving around in trucks with weapons

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .


EVeryone slammin Agent Zero for cribbing his land shark japes but how come no snubs for Gayton Payton???

In the '98 Playoffs the Glove was notorious for his trash talking but in recent interview Bennett Salvatore revealed that in Game 5 Payton's running stream on outrageous zingers was in fact a word-4-word, real-time ripoff of Don Rickles' routine from his legendary '68 engagement at The Sahara!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .


. . . . . . . . . . . . . .


The agoraphobic Gar Heard Robot reads it every morning! Anyone who shed tears over James Lang a friend of ours!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .





on sale now!!!

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posted by wizznutzz

Friday, July 27, 2007


Our annual intern vacation has been cancelled cus SOMEONE lost our allowance!!!!!

We were all so excited for our annual summer trip to ANTHROCON 07 !!!!

August Strindberg aka "The VOLE" was going to be selling his newest graphic novel!


We have been Furries ever since Anthrocon 05 when Dana aka "Cloaca-Mae" was approached by a man in a vintage Winnie The Pooh suit with a sign that said "Touch My Honeypot Christopher Robin" and it turned out to Be fellow mascot enthusiast Jerry Stackhouse!!!

JStack turned us onto the whole scene and some weekends he would pick us up in his Escalade and we just roll , roll away with the wind in our hair... roll away from our uncomfortable bald naked manskins and from bald naked man-prejudice

ANyway so we needed to find housing for Anthrocon07 since Courtyard by Marriot banned furries after last year because of mascot-sized scats in the morning danish cart and that missing south african tourist found in the pouch of "Mike The Wallaby"

SO Jaarko posted on furrie message boards :
and a guy called "Foxwolfie" emailed us . He seemed nice enough!!


He promised us space in his den outside pittsburgh!!


But then he started talking to Jaarko about this money-making idea he had. He said he had a real sex tape of "a famous celebrity" and that he would sell it to Jarrko for $400 and that Jaarko could put it on our website and make millions for Pay-Per-View selling so Jaarko says "YOA!!!" and now we are out $400 and stuck with old betamax tape of what turns out to just be video of EVAN Longoria playing Nintendo 64 with his shirt off!!! SO long story short, we are back at Wheaton Plaza, but still in our fur constumery since we already paid for them. Circuit city loves us because The kids love us and because the mice dont!!!

And there was some mail in our box when we got back!



Word is ALL tha kids in tha Lebanese Discos r doing "The Ham"!!!!

K-FERG is Wizznutzz resident Cut Chemist. His remixes are legendary, like Bullets Fever 2K6 and the Queen James DnB Remix

KFERG is genious no doubt. He learned the damn KEYTAR at age 3. He was a keytar protege and the oldest of DR FINK'S 12 sons. DR FINK worked him hard, like earl woods, to give him the keytar opportunities he never had. He went on Carson and played "Stray Cut Strut" on synth at age 4!! Doc Severensen was visibly pleased!!!


shammgod wells

Greetings Wizznutzz,

Your faithful correspondent in the basketball backwoods of Elkhart, Ind., (former home of Shawn "Supersperm" Kemp!), Andrew, reporting in on the IBL "World Championship" held here in the friendly confines of North Side Gym Saturday night. The reigning champs, the Elkhart Express, hosted the Portland Chinooks for all the marbles, and eked out a 113-109 win. All was well in Elkhart, the new epicenter of the hoops world.

But one fact escaped me until Sunday evening: The Chinooks were piloted by none other than Shammgod Wells, AKA God Shammgod! God passed out 15 assists in the losing effort, but that's not all he dished out. From The Truth's story for publication Monday:

"After Elkhart had stormed back from a 17-point, third-quarter deficit to draw as close as 74-71 late in the period, the powerful and crafty Wells, a former NBA player and Providence College star, drove the lane on consecutive possessions, got fouled both times and hit all four free throws to restore the Chinooks' lead to 78-71.

With most in the crowd of 3,244 booing lustily, Wells shook his head and waved mockingly to the fans to turn up the volume as he stepped to the line, then held his hand to his ear halfway through each set of free throws as if to say, "I can't hear you."

That only riled up the fans more.

And their developing dislike for Wells may have been at least a little bit of what kept those fans fired up after Portland stretched its lead back out to 99-87 with just 7:23 remaining in the game.

Sweet irony how it all worked out.

After Elkhart took its first lead since the first quarter at 107-105, Wells had a chance to even the score with another pair of free throws.

He missed the first, the crowd squealed and laughed and roared in response, and the Chinooks never did catch the Express the rest of the way.

"He started it, and I'm glad he did," Elkhart guard Coleco Buie said after the game.

"It doesn't take much with our crowd," Express coach and owner Daimon Beathea said of Wells' third-quarter gestures, "but, yeah, I was glad to see it."

Certainly Cedric Moodie noticed, and Elkhart's season scoring leader didn't approve.

"Oh, yeah, I remember it," Moodie said of Wells' maneuvers. "I give them a lot of credit for being a good team, but I think they were kind of disrespecting us, too. They were kind of arrogant, and we didn't take that too well. We had to do what we had to do."

Teammate Correy Childs was a little more amused than Moodie, but ultimately, he thought Wells' ridicule played into the game as well.

"That's a typical New York guard," Childs said with a chuckle of the New York City native. "They like that type of stuff, but as a basketball player, you've just got to use it as motivation to work harder to stop him. He had a good game, but we did a pretty good job
on him."

Moodie, Tim Pledger, Rashi Johnson and Darmetreis Kilgore were among those who had turns at guarding Wells, who dominated during the first half, but was slowed considerably in the second.

Wells netted 14 points to go with 6-of-7 shooting from the field and 12 assists before intermission as Portland took a 60-45 lead, but added just seven points, 1-of-7 field-goal shooting and three assists after the break."

I thought you might be interested in hearing of Shamm's voyage to north-central Indiana. I also attached a photo of the veteran guard for your enjoyment.


Damn, Elkharrt fans are harsh! They boo god!

But This story is obviously faker than Jim Lynams tax return!

For one, we all know that when God isnt in the Chitown McDOnalds, that hes busy recording posthumus Tupac records. Second of all the names are obviously fake!

"Rashi Johnson"?? Only place u gonna find that name is on Danas caller ID! !!!

And "Moodie", "Tim Pledger", and "Darmetreis Kilgore"???

Those are all Harry Potter characters, not IBL playas!!!

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posted by wizznutzz

Tuesday, June 12, 2007


"People see God every day, they just don't recognize him."
-Pearl Bailey

We were enjoying our torpid vacation of apres putt-putt and curing bologna on the roof of August's Ford Focus and Jarrko had just finished painting his "Moomintrolls: Pets or Meat" sign when we was disturbed by three things:

1/ HAte Mail we got from Paul Chaon
TRU FACT! Paul's cavalier spelling, foul temper and repeat use of word "salty" make us thinking: FUTURE INTERN!!!

2/ Gilbert Arenas saying he will opt out of his contract and triggering hysteria that Agent Zero will leave DC, maybe to Detroit where he can be closer to his Halo Team!!!

But We r not afraid. Opting out of contract is standard procedure, its not unusual in the way, like say when Kwame Brown opted out of his foreskin during 2002 Wizards summer league. Wizznutzz Hon. Intern Unsilent Majority goes on Deadspin to set tha record straight!

3/ We get A supa-hot EXLUSIVE tip comes in from Superfan John Moe!!!!

Hey Guys,

This seemed like something you might be interested in. Tom Newell, son of legendary coach Pete Newell, is organizing a game this weekend in Seattle with 11-foot hoops in order to cut down on dunking (and excitement and interest). The roster is mostly scrubs/alums of local colleges but in the mix is Shammgod Wells, the former God Shammgod.

He has been resurrected!

Calbert Cheaney screams at his agent: "But I thought the hoops in the NBA were 11-feet!!!????"

Now as an invention, a basketball game with no dunking aint no Cheeseboot!

Going to street ball game for tha passing like going to a French Restaurant for tha salad dressing!!!

Plus they already invented a ballgame with no dunking!
They even made a movie about it!
They called it MURDERBALL!!!!

But this game proves what they say :
God Is All Around Us!!!!

Cuz just a few months ago, God was in China!!!!!

CHina is sure a different place!

Did u know The CHinese Circuit City has an army!!!????

Plus they have awesome nicknames in China for NBA Ballerz.


(Its also reminds off this old Wizznutzz exclusive report!)

In CHI-TOWN They call Agent Zero DA JIANG JUN "THE GENERAL"!!!!
because he is peerless and commanding in the league!

LeBron James, why they call him "Xiao Huang Di" aka "Little Emperor"!!! Haha!

Carmelo Anthony they call "Tian Gua" aka "Sweet Melon" double haha when we tell u Rasheed Wallace tried to buy the rights to Sweet Melon off Melo for 3 million Yen!

And in China they call Black Marvin, CHris Porter and BB Waldon "THE THREE GORGES". WHo r thoise dudes u ask?? WHy they are US starz in CBA, CHinese Basketball Association, but not as big a star as God Shammgod who they called "SHAMMGOD WELLS"!!!!

aka Happy Meals!!!!

IN this SO AWESOME ARTICLE and THIS ONE ALSO we find God playing 4 TaiYuan, Shanxi Province (Its like Beltsville but with more mopeds and the pollen has wings!)

Yes its old story now. Lots of people talked about it, including our friend Henry who had best GOD headline of tha lot:


It took us long time to finish it because we just kept rereading the line:

"I traveled to the dusty, dingy burg and found God in the second-rate hotel across the street "

But when we did finally read we learn its true that "God is in the Details" and those details are:

God Eating only McDonalds,
God showering in lockerooms filled with smoke from cigarettes,
Gods voice transmitting from heavens via a Skype account,
God dreaming of going back to NBA or at least going to Outback Steakhouse in Shanghai.

U always have a home here God! We believe! We saw the face of Ledell Eackles on a grilled cheese sandwich.! We cant wait for the day when God is honored at a Bullets old-timers night, weighing 300 pounds, with a hacking cough, stinking of sweet n sour sauce, crossing up Pervis, talking trash in Mandarin!

It was funny thought to read this spring of God among the heathen Chinee, seeing as a week prior we had got an additional, bonus EXLCUSIVE INCITE in our colecovision inbox from Sperfan SETH!!

Seth wrote in from Portland, HOME OF THE SEA DOGS!!!

I don't know you, you don't know me, but I know that you enjoy your God Shammgod. I need to tell you that I randomly saw him in Vancouver, Washington playing in an IBL game last Saturday for the Portland Chinooks. I had no idea he would be present, so you can imagine my delight. But anyways, I have 6 Updates for you:

1) He is officially going by "Shammgod Wells" again.

2) He did "The Shammgod" a few times.

3) He missed every jump shot that followed "The Shammgod."

4) He ran the point and refused to pass (naturally).

5) He put on a show.

6) He was the best player on the court.


SO awesome! Blessed are the cheesemakers!!!!

Best part is when we went to investigate the IBL we find that it only costs like 20 Grand to buy a franchise!!! Now our plan is to sell enough SILENCE=BACON T-SHirts to raise the 20K to buy an IBL team and run it like rotisserie league building a dreamteam of our fave all-time wizznutzz allstars:

Darvin ham, Rod Strickland, ledell Eakles, Ghitza, Mugsy n Manute, Lorenzo Williams, TNez, Andy gaze, Randell Jackson....

We would turn into Eastern Motors "ENTERTAINER LEAGUE" with 8 ft hoops, and trampolines and travelling across the country playing in Circuit City parking lots and have DC celeb coaches, like Gilbert "Gil The Thrill" Arenas Senior and WOlf Blitzer (tho u know when he slips into gameday coaching velour he callz himself 'Honeybear") and Nils and Chico DeBarge and for halftime entertainment we rescue SKydog(tm) from Qyntel Woods/Mike Vicks "Q-Skool" Dog Fighting Academy and return him to arena where he does what he is meant to do: no , not detect cancer in the owners booth! catch frisbees for poor folk!!!

Buy Mothering Hut gear to support our dream! $5 Off right now!!!


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posted by wizznutzz