August Strindberg grinning with pure joy as he poses with Agent Zero at a shoe signing in Malaysia
Wizznutzz and Gilbert 4EVER!!! like Peaches and Herb say, "me minus you is a lonely ride!!!!" We r Like Heckle and Jeckle, like Phil and Steve, like Muskrat Jonas and Muskrat Jarvis!!!!!
We been quiet here for a while cuz when Gil holds out we hold out, and damned straight u know If Gil had walked we had walked. What u think wizznutzz would stay if they let Agent Zero go? That we would be jilted at the altar like olde Miss Havsih-Slam, spiralling into a madness of WHERESTHECAKE and animated 9/11 patriotic bacon gifs ???? Hell no boy, if Gil had gone, we would have packed and rolled: grabbed the Finnish boy, the poet, the naked Maury Chaykin pix the naked Ken Beatrice and the key to the Circuit City mens room and hopped on the first SARS Xpress outta town cuz where gil goes we go like hungry Ramora on an anacostia snakehead!!!!!
But we knew all along he would come back to dime at five. It was classical Gilbert. Like Chris Webber say: "2 Much Drama"!!!!! Gil and Ernie and Twan did their little dance: Gil said Ernie, "I wanna be a Wizard, but Not without my daughter!!!!" And then Antawn Jamison told Ernie "I wanna grow old with you!!" and then Ernie told Gil: "Heres 126 Million dollar check from Abe Pollin made out to Juwan Howard. I can get you one just like it" and then Gilbert thought to himself "If there's a speed of sound and a speed of light is there a speed of smell?" and then he thought to himself "What can i do for my family with $127 million that I can't do with $111 million??" And then he did the math. No, not the math that says that the 16 million xtra dollars invested today would be worth another whole $127 million when his son turns 40, but the math of getting a quote from the firm of Oscar and Lucinda Architects for the all-glass basketball museum of his dreams and he found that for only $111 million he could he get the glass museum built AND fill it with rare Randell jackson Bnei Hasharon Israeli Premier League jerseys AND install a gorgeous custom Jeff Koons chrome balloon sculpture of Calbert Cheaney AND even have money left over to install the actual Calbert Cheaney!!!
Gil thought to himself, "I can have my glass museum and add help the team add a key piece to help us win a championship". Hey it doesnt matter that the "key piece" might turn out to be "AwveeStorey". Its the thought that counts!! Did Rod STrickland take less money so the team could wrap up Tyrone Nesby long-term??? HELL NO! and now TNez is Vilinius' Most Notorious, blowing up big on the International scene while Rod got no rings and lost it all in the great subprime halfsmoke bubble of '02!!
16 Mil is still good money to leave on the table. And its money on the table for 6 years, which means maybe the team could use some of it to finally put head atheltic trainer Eric Waters through college!!!!
It didnt hurt that owner Abe Pollin personally called up Gil and said
"You're my boy Gilbert. You remind me of a young Wes Unsled. You see there are two kind of people in my life these days Gilbert. Those who remind me of a young Wes Unseld, and those who remind me of a certain old jew-hating President. I'm going to make you a rich man Gilbert and all you have to do is win us a goddarned championship. Dammit I may be old but I'm a stubborn sonovabich and I'm a goddamned fighter and I'm going to outlive that goddmaned hillbilly Jimmy Carter and win us a c**ting championship if its the last f**kdamned thing I do."
Gil and Twan werent the only big stories in the offseason.
Fan favorite Roger Mason cashed out and was hired as the new editor at Deadspin!!!!
Mase is very excited about the opportunity!!!
"We are very excited about this opportunity. Like many young boys, we always dreamed about being an editor for Deadspin. We never thought this day would come true. We are humbled and ready to step in and contribute right away"
While we r so sad to be losing Mase, we are at least happy that he has found a good new home at Deadspin, Gawker's crown jewel... the salty-plump, turgid Big Bite amid the mottled, snapless specimens that turn on the oily rollers of Nick Denton's oily empire of wordy bitchmeats.... We love Nick Denton!!! Hes the Gay Tom Knott!!!!
And there was also the NBA Draft! Everybody has napoleonic incites about the draft. Its easy to be John Junior Mockdraft and say "u gotta take this guy John Nash!!!!" but things dont always go that way. Like just ask Juan Carlos Navarro!!. And Like in '06 when everyone was high on Quincy Douby and he turned out to be a Seth Rogen/Jack Klugman movie that is still stuck in pre-production!
We would just be happy to draft a starter for once. SOmeone who quite pans out. We had had our hopes set on Nathan Jawai, the first Aboriginie ever in the NBA!!!! We never even saw him play, but after seeing the DeShawn Stevenson japes on primetime TV last season, we just wanted to hear Hubie Brown explaining the "Point The Bone" gesture to the espn audience!!!
And we had hopes of getting Kevin Love, son of former Bullet Stan Love!!!
Kevin inherited his dads hoops skillzz! Better even, he inherited his dads huge stash of homegrown crying weed!! But most of all we had our hopes on drafting the cheeky little imp Petteri Koponen!!!!
aka "KID NOKIA" aka "THE FINNISH RIFLE!!!!!" No Sleep Til Helsinki!!!!
Out beloved intern Jaarko is from Finland! And he has had quite a summer since Petteri got drafted. Jaarko has been all over TVs in Finland on the talking shows as an expert of Basketball. The whole country in Finaland has been following Kid Nokia. He is most loved athelete since national hero Sulo Bärlund embarrassed Hitler by taking silver in the shot put at the Berlin Olympics in 1936!!!
Kid Nokia played great in the Vegas Summer league, which they called in Finland MOOMINSUMMER MADNESS. Kid Nokia's first summerleague game had a TV rating in Finland of 98.7!!!!!! Thats almost the whole country watching including TVs in prisons and madhouses! Jaarko has been so busy doing the talk circuit - hes been on all the biggest shows, like "Cold Mämmi" and "Aito Sports w/ Topi Köstas" which caused a big stir on the internet when Jaarko was ambushed by Grööp Gropinggar, the bestselling author of "Tuesdays with Magnus"!!!! Grööp erupted and lost his mind!!!
He yelled at Jaarko: "Jaarko you seem like a bright guy but quite frankly I think you are full of paska!!!! I have some of your incites here in my hand from your blög "wizznutzz.com" and they are most outrageous and full of impolite spellings. Maybe you say blögs are wonderful for us but I say they are hevonpaska!!!!"
It was very awkward!!!! I could tell Jaarko was nervous because he was doing that little thing with his hands that he always does when he's nervous - masturbating.
And then Ernie unveiled his most ambitious project yet, a spruce goose of a kid goes by the name JaVale McGee.
But we call him
THE VALE OF CASHMERE
The skinny on the skinny:
7 foot tall. Armspan = 2 fathoms. 2 Team All-WAC. 1st Team MAD magazine Writer's Group.
First thing we thought when we saw JaVale McGee play was.... "Tracy Morgan has AIDs?!???"
The second thing we thought was "Wow this kid is RAW!!!!"
I mean we know Ernie likes em raw. Ernie aint building a bench, Ernies building a Sushi bar. But the Vale? The Kids raw!!!! How raw?? The Vale so raw he only picked up a basketball for first time 2 years ago when he was 5 foot 4 and the University of Nevada told he they didnt have a Quidditch program!!! Hes more rookie raw than Gilbert's Mons Pubis!!! He's so raw he got 'Goodnight Moon' tattooed on his back!!! Hes so raw he sings when he laces up his sneaks:
Make a teepee. Come inside. Pull down tight so we can hide. Around the mountain... here we go!? Here's my arrow. Here's my bow.
WE watched the VALE play in the moist and jumpy paradise that is summerleague!
We learned that the Vale may either be the second coming of Kwame Brown, or - fingers crossed! - the first coming of Kwame Brown!!!
What else did we learn from Summerleague games???
We learned that Dee Brown raps and that he barrels into the lane with the panicked violence of a wild pig startled from the bush.
We learned that Vladimir Veremeenko is slighter, prettier, than we expected. We learned that he has bangs that are blond, expensive, and hands that are soft, expensive.
We learned of a kid named ELGAR, who has a 19th century hypnotist's name and an elegiac game.
We learned that Nick Young gets altitude sickness from his learning curve.
We learned that THE TASER is set to stun! And that he's having a baby! And that ANdray "ENDLESS SUMMER" Blatche is interviewing nannies!
But the Wiz arent the only ones working hard this summer!!! We came by the MoHut and found Ken Beatrice had gone Rumplestiltskin and....
Deeee-lux quality!!! On heavyweight name brand shirts!!! using the supple blood of Michael Westbrook!
(There are a couple exceptions: for now our custom shirt line, and the popular BLING ZER0 and BULLETS FEVER shirts are still made using the hi-quality printing of our old spreadshirt sweatshop!! This means right now you can still buy these shirts, but you just combine the shipping with the rest of the swag from our store...)
What does silk screening mean??? It means we will be able to bust out fancier designs and use more colors in our shirts fro n ow on!!!!
What's cooking on Agent Zero's fire bowl? Chicken? Shrimp? Black Mamba? It's all good. Only one thing matters: when Gilbert Arenas lights it up, you better step back or you're gonna' get burned! "HIBACHI!" Savor the snack-downs in our declious Hibachi tshirt!
Who is the man Who is an 18-time all-star? YAZ! Right on... Who is the man That leads the Red Sox in career RBIs, runs, hits, singles, doubles, total bases, games played, and who last won baseball's triple crown? YAZ! You're damn right! He's one bad son of a Skonieczny! For 23 years he was the heart and soul of the Boston Red Sox. Carl Yastrzemski, the man they call 'Yaz'.
My parents fled to the suburbs and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!!! White Flyte: The Pride of Suburbia! The White Flyte have been tearing up well-funded exurban rec. leagues for over two decades: from Atlanta, to DC, to Philly, to Cleveland. Don't be ashamed of your Beltway Outsider status! Diversity = Death! Your parents knew that years ago when they piled the young family into the station wagon and headed into the wild mild, out past the Dockers outlet store, like modern day pioneers. White Flyte basketball is uptempo basketball - it's all about running! Take your skills, and head to the hills, in one of our signature, authentic, fashionably honest White Flyte throwback tees!
Three hot new designs! !!!
But thats not all!!!!
We have also tricked out some of our most popular swag!!!!! THE NEW BRADY!!!!
Sorry machosensuals, this shirt is now ladies only. Soft vintage print of pre-washed fine cotton. A great gag gift!!!!
Raljon: land of promise, endless horizons, safe schools, monorails, Dana Stubblefield's ice cream truck. Redskin fans, celebrate this lost time of optimism in our exclsuive, Raljon Football t-shirt!
We have also "retired" some of our old faves. But dont worry! You wont find them on the home page anymore, but they are still out there, lurking about in the fringe like Juwan Howard!!!
You can still purchase these retired shirts, but since they are produced by our old manfuacturer, you cannot combine them in an order with shirts from our current line.
THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING!!!
Now that Ken had found new life, we will work him to death! Much more new swag to come in the next few months!!!!
WIZ are fading in the low winter sun faster than a gyros poster in a deli window. Like Yeats wrote on his fanhouse Slouching Towards Bethlehem Shoals blog :
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
So tru.
Whats to say really. there is no need for wizznutzz anywayz now that we are all being replaced by cold science of CALVIN BOOTH WIDGETS
NBA in the 21st century is run by robots controlled by Mitch Kupchaks blackberry!!!!
The only hope we all have is AGENT ZERO and the Jolly Swagman doesnt let us down, dropping some jaw dropitty droppersin the latest issues of Mens Journal magazine (dont know Mens Journal? Its basically the same as Dog Fancy but with men instead of dogs)
REVELATION NUMBER ONE
"I'm building it right now in my backyard: a replica of Hugh Hefner's pool, only a little better. It has a grotto and everything, but with flatscreen TVs, a kitchen and a bathroom. No bunnies."
So it a playboy pool 'replica' but wait "no bunnies"???? Hefners pool replica with no bunnies - so what is left to replicate? James Woods' semen?
Still the parties will be great, with Nick Young doing cannonballs and strutting about in a fur speedo and hours and hours of 'Marco Polo'!!! It will all be fun and games until GWiz is found floating face down one morning.
REVELATION NUMBER TWO
"I order a Corona and a Shirley Temple, then mix them 50-50 in an extra glass. I've been doing it for about a year now. It tastes like a sweet Corona. I call it the Agent Zero."
Move over sambuca and meat drink, we now have official new cocktail in the Mothering Hut!!!!
It is even more delicious than these other WIZARD COCKTAILS:
THE SALIERI 2oz Cherry Gatorade ('94) 32oz Bitters + a splash of Bitters
and our fave: Steven Blake Rusty Bay Still 96 "Gout de Terroir"
The heavily inbred varietal results in a sweaty wine, with pungent character, and disagreeable notes of raccoon urine and buckshot.
Wizznutzz wines page contains more obscure references than Ledell Eakles birth certificate!! I dont even know what that means!
REVELATION NUMBER THREE: THE REVENGE OF THE FUR SPEEDO
"When I was new in the NBA the team veterans convinced me to shave, you know, down there, because they said the hair stinks. I used my girlfriend's razor, which was rusty and gave me keloids. The doctor prescribed medicine to dab on, but I just poured it all over. Three days later I woke up screaming. The skin was burnt off my scrotum, down to my crack, everything -- just raw flesh. I still had to run and play, so I used a numbing spray for a month until it healed. Now I use clippers."
OH NO YOU DIDNT!!!!!!!
OH NO U DID NOT TAKE A RUSTY BLADE TO YOUR MONS PUBIS!! OH NO YOU DID NOT SERVE UP LOIN TARTAR!!!! OH NO YOU DID NOT GIVE YOURSELF A DEVILS HAIRCUT!!!!!!
jesus christ gilbert next time u want a romanian bikini wax u dont gotta go Sweeney Todd on your Jimmy Oliver -- just come to the mothering hut!!! Jaarko can give you the AUSTRALIAN all-natural hair removal system:
There is only one thing to learn from this experience Gilbert.
Next time you shave your pubes, make sure you SAVE THEM so that a few weeks later you and Antonio can hold down Nick Young in the lockerroom and serve him up......... an OSAMAS REVENGE!!!
----------------
Meantime:
Show Your Support this week at the Potomac Mills Primaries!!!!! Help Gilbert stuff the ballot box!!!
Then our site is flooded by fans to catch glimpse of Gilberts quartet of surreal, solipsistic short films, which are like a lowtop battle between the Cremaster Cycle and the Princeton Offense!!!!
But then the other shoe dropped. No not the limited edition Ike Austin/Laughing Cow collab CheeseCleat(tm), but the newz that Gil would be gone 3 months!!!!!!!! and the sun boiled and the wax melted and our wings fell away and we plunged back to earth screaming "Naaaaaaaa-choooooo o o o o o o o o o o.............."
We were desparate!!!!
we visited Jamie Motteram, our pastor at Christian Laettner's Divine CHurch of Machosensual Science, but when he answered the door his face was streaked with Kiehls product and tears, he didnt need to speak his grief, his overplucked eyebrows told us everything!!!!
We called our sponsor, Agent Steniz for counsel, but we just got the machine, it was Brandon Lloyds voice saying: "Sorry, my man Steinz cant come to the phone right now. My boy's too busy hi-liting passages from his old copy of Bridge To Terribithia and muttering to himself like some crazy motherfucker."
With our personal Patch Adams support team in a state of emotional breakdown, we did the only thing there was left to do:
We initiated the official Wizznutzz Doomsday Countdown(tm)!!!!
We worked quickly and methodically and without emotion executing the preparations.
Darvin was recalled from the Albuquerque Thunderbirds. He asked coach Ruland on the way out: "Do one thing for me Jeff. I want you to take care of my Momma OK Jeff" and Jeff said, "of course I will! Do I know you?"
By nightfall Circuit City was burning, Wizards team physician Dr. Barry Talesnick lay dead (he struggled WAAAY less than former trainer Steve Stricker!!), we had opened the specimen cages at the Abe Pollin In Vitro Farm, and we had moved into the backroom, slipped on our rare 4-pair of matching Jimmy Oliver gameworns (really, they are rare, Jimmy only played in 3 career games!), and slipped on our matching white sneakers, Adidas Gil II Zero X Customize (August wrote latin profanities on his with greasepen!), then we vaccinated Dana, and moved into the Mothering Hut with our tins of tainted meat, crimping pliers, a case of Capris Sun, a staple gun, a bale of jute woolpack, and Ledell Eackles...
and just as we were about to seal the door we paused and we thought....wait...
"What would Gil want us to do????"
and so we aborted the doomsday countdown (we just took the batteries out of the Simon machine) and broke up with our girlfriends and and fired up the Colecovision!!!!
THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO!!!!!
(Speaking of breaking up with girlfriends, it seems from his blog that Gilbert has something of a hands-off approach to parenting as in "get your hands of my mansion walls you weird little deadbeats!"
"Now she's back in California. You ask for space, you know, because everything feels closed in ... the house is dirty, the kids are drawing on the walls and on the couches and you're thinking, "Oh man, I can't do this. I'm not playing well and I'm coming home to all this."
RULE #1 KIDS:
DO NOT DRAW ON GILBERTS COUCH! !!! Gilberts couch is his bed is his throne is his home is his thinking place is his office is his Halo temple is his suede womb
We understand its hard gilbert, concentrating on your career in piece and quiet when you have to deal with the ruckus of your girlfriend taking care of your kids on the other side of your 28 room estate, so we have open offer to you gilbert:
You wanted to Collaborate with the wizznutzz, here is your chance!
Let us Raise your children!!!!!
We will turn the Wheaton Plaza Circuit City into a CIDER HOUSE RULEZ!!!! we will home school your kids gilbert and you can trust a good education of the finest in EDU-TRAINMENT(tm) available that will teach them unique skills that only we can teach them:
like how to not look GROKE in the eyes, and which Florida area strip clubs have a No Overcoat policy, and most vital: How To Melt Cheese in The WIld!)
ANYWAY......
We were disconsolate and feared the team was cursed and we feared total collapse from the Wizards, but like The Who album is called:
"THE KIDS ARE ALRIGHT"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Not the music album, but Pete Townshend's personal Flikr Album!!!!)
The last week has had many good games, lots of points, lots of discovering hidden talents like Caron's new threepee skill and Brendan Haywoods new skill of calling timeouts everytime he gets double-teamed.
There have also been lots of games against teams that have lots of Eurpoean talent, and european talent means lots of bony white guys with lesbian haircuts!!!!
I dont see that much pasty skin in a Hamburg youth hostel!
There was game against Charlotte Bobcats and Walter Herrmann aka The HARLEQUIN HAMMER!
For Bobcats its not just euroze with the bad hair, check out that bench: Dudley, Davidson, McInnis - no wonder they cant win games they too busy braiding each other!!!! And Not even Emeeka Mouse could help the BKats cuz there are 9 words all wiz fans know spells victory:
"And MacInnis checks into the game for defensive purposes..."!!!
Then there was Golden State with ANdris Beidrins and Kosta "Kostco" Perovic. Some say "Goin Foreign" is great for the NBA but is it?? David Stern gets 10 million eastern european eyeballs (not to mention the foreskins), but all we get is this:
Then there was Memphis Grizzlies with euro-paeons Pow Gasol and our old friend and filthy greazy spanglish bear chaser and turncoat and former WizardJuan Carlos LA BOMBA Navarro.
oh "La Bomba", oh Por Favor!
Taking one look at JCN i know they should call his Madre "La Bomba" for hitting the sangria so dam hard during the pregnancy. I never seen such an advanced case of Foetal Alcohol Syndrome!!!
JCN was born with flippers for arms AND a five-o-clock shadow! Thats one hairy preemie!
And then there was a so sweet upset of Dallas in Dallas against the Great White Wurst Dirk Nowitzki. Superfan SASHA send us a awesome story about how this offseason DIRK went on a soul searching walkabout in the outback with an old "mostly bald" German mentor (provided in xchange 4 Qantas frequent flier points) so he could satisfy his wanderlust and arouse his Weltanschauung.
"He had come this far... surrounded by sagebrush and stiff yellow grass... "
And that was just the first day having a shower at Andrew Gazes!!!!!!
The article talks about how Dirk went to australia, (fun fact: did u know "austalia"= ABoriginal word for "Floating Turd"???) so he could follow ancient aboriginal tribal rites of "walkabout" ("loitering") . In aboriginal history, they say aborigines had "SONGLINES" which were songs and music that had codes in them that told the history and also mapped out their land, so they could hear the song and find their way home, kind of like how hidden inside Nils Lofgrens' "Bullets fever" is a Hot Shoppes locator map, if you just know how to listen right.
WE r winnin and grinnin bcuz All of the players have stepped to fill Gilberts production!!
Caron Butler spent the whole offseason camping with Brent Price in the mountains and when he came back down he was curious about so many things, but one thing he was most curious about: how he could now shoot tha 3-ball like a white baptist!!! Not only is Tuff Juice draining threepees like The Rature was a WNBA team, he is still the teams toughest ballers. Tuff Juice is like The Equalizer
"Got a problem? Odds against you? Call the Equalizer."
Meantime Antwan "Antawn" Jamison is scoring for 2 men. Ive never seen such an amazing variety of looping layins: Runners, Floaters, Finger Rolls, Tear Drops, Giant Killers, Soft Bombs, Rainbow Pots, Chip Shots, Silver Horseshoes, Hanging Judges, Til Tuesdays, Tender Mercies, Creeping Cheesewheels, Raised Eyebrows, Drag Chutes, Broken Slinkys, Randy QBerts, Johnny Reboulets....
Twan credits his heavenly flexible ways to taking up yoga in the offseason. Fortunately he didnt take his classes from former bullet and current plainclothes yoga instructor Kevin Duckworth, who teaches unique trademark yoga poses such as the "Flipped Tortoise" , "Corned Beef Salutation" and "Accessing The Hollywood" !!!
Meantime the young gunz are growing faster than recalled wet season CHia Pets in a Bangladeshi warehouse.
ANdray Blatche is like some kind of ninja iguana!!!
With his big lidless eyes, his low heart rate, his sly blending into his surroundings until the rock comes buzzing by and then THWAAAP!!!! out comes the tongue!!! out comes 2 tongues , two arm tongues, he can block the ball and taste it at the same damn time whatta creature!!!! when hes not like a ninja iguano hes like those giant dancing air puppets u see at car dealers, you know, like "MR EXCITEMENT", or "ACURA BLUEPUFF" or "LOGO TUBE" or the mysterious "COMMODORE...."!
Plus Andray Blatche has studied in the Japanese art of "AKIMBO". Kwame Brown was a master of Akimbo. Its the ancient technique of physical discipline where you can make your body parts too fast for your own mind!!
Nick Young: yo we call him "JANSPORT" . we just started csalling him that today. WHy do we call him Jansport? We call him Jansport because he has been asked at a young age to shoulder a heavy load, and because when you see him he has a bounce in his step and lots of youthful NRG but you can see he has lots of homework he has to take home and because whenever he is on the court, for better or for worse, you know someone is gonna end up getting schooled!!!
Darius Songalia has amazing hands and feet for a man who is built like a gamey slab of elk meat. He is like a reindeer carcass that has been enchanted by a lithuania sorceress!!
Oleksiy Pecherov: When I see the team clownin with Big Oily in videos like this it makes me think of the retarded kid character they have in nostlagic movies about italian americans growing up in the 50s. The other kids tease him sure, they get him to steal them candy, and they laugh at his slowness but they also love him and treat him like a real person in a way that science doesnt and show it by pooling their allowance and getting him a nice hooker played by an uncredited Marissa Tomei.
And finally the fearsome Brown Hornet, Antonio Daniels. My Man! AD is so old school. He is fearless and attacking, with a lurchy churchy swag, he is man who is throwback to days when black man walked through violence and chaos on the corner every day. He flies into the flagrant fire, then struts to the foul line with his badass ethiopian profile like he just slayed a tiger, like hes emerging cool from tha flames of a race riot with the sign around his neck that reads:
TOMORROW ADIDAS UNVEILS "GilTV.COM" AND 4 DEVASTATING NEW SHORT FILMS STARRING MARVIN BRANDO, NACHO ARENAS AND AGENT ZERO!!!!!!
THERE ARE NO WORDS TO SAY NOW EXCEPT: WHEN DID MARIO VAN PEEBLES START FILMING MY DREAMS???
ITS AMAZING WHAT CAN BE ACHIEVED WHEN YOU TAKE THE GREATEST BASKETBALL PLAYER ON THE WORLD, THE CREATIVE POWER OF ADIDIAS, , MATHEW BARNEY'S SPARE LOBSTER SUIT, AND SOME STRIKE-BREAKING WRITERS FROM UCLA FILM SCHOOL!!!!
The last week was a big one for the wizards and they rolled out of the nest and got Eddie 4 shiny nuts for the harvest!!!
But it was only last week i was reading angry comments about Gilbert on the websites that made me so sick i couldnt even swallow my morning Sparxx n Beans.
ANgry sports fans throwing Gil under the RideOn, yelling how Gilbert needs to 'shut up' and 'stop blogging' and 'stop talking this and that' and 'just win games', saying "show me something!" like he is your mule and you are his brayman on tha hill and you think u can abuse him and that your disgust will make him work harder for you.
Well I got some questions for those fans:
Are you Abe Pollin? What have you ever done for US??? What do you know???
Are you working as a Junior commission salesman at the Mens Warehouse, measuring the thighs of Rockville Pike men , so you can save up for a Sports Management correspondence degree from that school you saw a commercial for when you were watching Outer Limits reruns on FX at 2am and bitching at the screen about the cheap special effects??? Is that what you are thinking about on your lunch break after you get your Blimpies card stamped and r on hold waiting to talk to Scott Jackson on your fucking Bluetooth and u r having a smoke outside the Mall, are you thinking about all the changes you would make on the team if you were running things, like trading Brendan Haywood for Kevin Garnett, and more minutes for Nick Young, and more minutes for Dominic McGuire, and more minutes for Juan Dixon, and firing that black coach and playing defense and moving the team to Germantown??? WHy do you even cheer for the Wizards? Why dont you just cheer for the Celtics already?? You already cheer for the Patriots. You started being a Patriots fan 3 years ago when you decided the Redskins werent hustling for you enough and not giving Skip Hicks enough minutes and you didnt need that shit anymore. Now you call beers "Bruschis" its so clever you and your pals should get a espn show, maybe Bill Simmons would come over to your townhouse and make lists of Best SPorts Movies with you and you guys stay up all night arguing like pals.
Why do you think Gilbert Arenas owes you anything? Gilbert arenas doesnt owe you shit. hes not playing for you. hes not playing for your money. you think Gil has been up all summer practicing that cool new behind the back pass he does til 6am with some poor MCI parking attendant because you bought a $40 4 ticket family plan and sold the other 3 tickets on the internet???
Name me one player on the Bullets or Wizards in the last 20 years that you would trade Gilbert Arenas for, straight up. Name ONE!!!!! You got 20 years, take your pick. And no, you can't include the expiring contract of Llorenzo Williams!!!!
WHy are you so ready to throw a first stone, didnt u learn anything from the bible or Footloose??
IF you want an EVEN STEVEN then you got the wrong team my friend cause this team lives and dies by DONNY DUWATCHALIKE. If you dont like inventors why are you still shopping at Sharper Image, why dont you go next door to Sears where they have more reliable warranties but the Pepper Shakers dont have built in flashlights??? If you want the top dog then you got the wrong nature documentary cause gil's the craziest bird the the bush, hes the crazy little bird with the puffed up feathers doing the weird dance and building a bright blue nest out of old Connect Four chips and trying to mate with a bear. Gilberts the real Coq Diesel, the Spartist, The Creator, The Vagina, and make no mistake DC ball is Gilberts Cabaret and if you find the show too queer why dont you find a place full of joyless fan-bullies like yourself who spend all day cheering for a frontrunner and calling up talk radio to argue about rosters -- its called Staten Island!
For the rest of us, this weekend was a great and special time, because Gilbert announced on his blog that he now yells out "NACHO!" before each shot he takes!!!
You know, like Nacho Libre? Yeah, so every time I'm shooting it, it's just: NACHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Serving chips and dip.
This is so extraoridnary for so many ways.
We are extra excited about it at Wizznutzz, because we gave Gil the Agent Zero name, and in a way we gave him the name NACHO too, because fans have been hearing us yell out NACHOOOOO!!!!! at games for 10 years!!!! We are yelling NACHOOO! from the minute we walk in and we are yelling it at tip off and we are yelling it to the final horn . We are yelling it at the mexican restaurant thats run by the chinese people we go to after the game. Its called "Yummy Taco" but Cheniers Ghost calls it "Fuzzy Taco". We are yelling it on the subway on the way home, and the next day we are yelling it at children in playgrounds! And now when u strut your nachismo Gilbert, we r your backup singers!!! We are your Pips! We are your motherf*kin Range!
You will see from the site that Nacho Arenas is described as a "sound editor" but that doesn't tell the story.
we will tell you the story though!
Nacho is indeed a 'sound editor' but that sound is his voice.
Because Nacho Arenas is Mexcio's premier African-American voice over artist!!!!!
What does it mean? It doesnt mean he is african-american, it means that he provides all the voices for black actors when they dub american movies into spanish to show at mexican theatres and the mexican airplane!!!! He is the only mexican who can do authentic african american dialects. Many mexicans try, but after they all do the same monologue from Good Times at the audition the director is like "Get me Nacho Arenas, Holmes!" So whenever a mexican sees a great modern black american actor on the screen, they are seeing Morgan Freeman, or Denzel Washington, or Don CHeadle, or Bubba SMith or Reggie Theus, they are SEEING them but they are HEARING Nacho Arenas!!!!
What is also amazing about his story is how his life story mirrors so much of Gilbert Arenas story, as you will see. Just as Gilbert dreamed of being in NBA all his life but is still amazed to be there in the Association, so did Nacho have dreams and now thanks the lord when he walks down the carpet roja at the Mexican premiere of Money Train!!!!
Nachos story started like Gilberts, when he was a boy with little means and chances and growing up in difficult times.
Nacho Arenas was a boy living in a small farming town in southern Mexico where he raised fighting roosters with his Mom and Dad.
It was a simple life.
Nacho would wake with the sunshine each day and go out into the farm and try and make the chickens a little more murderry and insane that they were the day before.
He was good at angering chickens to be sure, but it was not his dream.
Then one day his life would change, when a famous American Actor called MARVIN BRANDO came to visit their small town because he was doing research for a new Werner Herzog movie he was filming called "The Savagery Of CHickens".
When Marvin Brando came to town everybody was so excited!!! especially Nacho's mother, she was so excited that when Marvin Brando left, she left with him as his new girlfriend to go to America!!!!
All of a sudden Nacho Arenas Sr. was left to raise his son Nacho Jr all by himself.
When it came to breeding cockfighters it was really Mrs Arenas who had the real special gift. Her fighting breed, the feared "Chickity-Choco" was undefeated but when she was gone they lost their will to fight and so Nacho Arenas Sr slaughtered the whole flock, and he and Nacho Jr buried the caracasses and loaded up the Volkswagon Beetle and drove to Mexico City where Nacho Sr. would pursue his dream of being a Mexican soap opera star. But his dream didnt work out too good and Nacho Sr spent most of his time making ends meet taking a job hanging the second upside down question mark on mexican movie marquees.
He had very little money and couldnt afford the schools for Nacho Jr, so Nacho taught himself how to read by reading the only book he had.
It was also the only thing he had to hold that had belonged to his mother. It was very very special to Nacho.
It was the novelization of the 1980 movie "Stir Crazy" and its cover showed a black man in a chicken costume who looked hurt and Nacho imagined that was him in the chicken costume, and because it was once his mothers book young Nacho read it and reread and reread it some more and slept with it under his pillow and wrote "¡Morio Marvin!" in the margins. He started to read it aloud and one day a scout overheard him doing the Richard Pryor voice ("Oh no, I don't want no cheesburger!!") and next thing you know he is discovered and famous and fast forward to last year when Nacho Arenas Jr was given a lifetime achievement award by the Meixcan Academy Awards for voicing all 33 characters in the spanish language dub of smash summer hit Norbit! Although in mexico it was called by its spanish name "Norbít".
Pretty incredible story i know.
But not as incredible as the top secret bombshell we have for you today!!!!
On his blog Gilbert also talks about his new limited edition kicks coming out soon.
Well we have an exclusive preview of a very special new shoe!!!!! How did we get it?? we cant say, but it involved some shady dealings, dealings that may become more clear next time Calbert Cheaney tries to use a credit card!!!
We'll keep it secret no more, ladies and gentlemen,
Monday, October 22, 2007
We didnt think this weekend could get any better after we read about Gilbert rounding up the repairman like he wuz Elliot Ness and violently and thoroughly suppressing the rookie insurrection of Nic n' Nick n' Night in the great 07 NoVA paintball massacre!!!
It was like leading lambs to slaughter, pumping rounds Jackson Pollock style onto Fat Jamar's back canvas!
By some miracel of Peter non Colpevole Can we pleez jesus get the security tapes on this?!!!!???
It is timez like this we are extra sad we dont have La Bomba in camp. the battle might have come out different. Word is La Bomba shoots paint like he was the second coming of Diego Rivera!!!!
But we are even more cheered up today when superfan and superstringer MJ RUTHERFORD slips under our door this morning the FOLLOWING STUNNING PHOTOGRAPH:
It is from last spring taken on the corner of 7th and F Streets and its a true foto and it shows none other than NBC News Chief White House Correspondent David "Stretch" Gregory buying illegal wizards tickets from a "Beltway insider"!!!
Lets hope it was just wiz tickets DGregz was after and not tickets for "Section 420" for him and "my friend Tony SNow" if you know what Im saying!!!!
This must be very embarrassing for NBC News!!!! Especially after that photo last month surfaced of Doreen Gentzler buying Oxycontin in the Greene Turtle parking lot!!
Message to Agent Arenas: It has recently come to our attention that your recent games have been flagged for boosting. A form of cheating on Xbox Live. I would like to just keep you in the know that Bungie.net Support Staff and Xbox Live have been sent reports on your cheating... I would also like to point out that we are currently drafting up an email to G4tv and ESPN about the shame you have brought to the gaming community.
No doubt, your sponsored team will also come under fire for this...
Thank you for hearing us out...
-Asshat
Hey "Asshat", William Bennett called. He wants his penis back!!!
Can these Accusations be TRUE???!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Representative for Major League Gaming (MLG) released this statement to the press:
We take these allegations against Agent Arenas very seriously. For an MLG player/owner to be found guilty of these charges would be a very serious breach of conduct. If our investigation finds merit to these allegations, our offices will act swiftly to protect the honor of our industry. Agent Arenas would be demoted from his rank of Colonel Grade 1. He would be stripped of his body armor. In addition, we would place Mister Arenas on a 2 year term of probation, under which he would be required to play all online HALO campaigns during this period as the character "Q*bert". We feel this to be fitting, given that Q*bert is the only player character in professional gaming history to have an asterisk officially added to his name.
MLG isnt the only one taking action:
Mark Ecko has cancelled his shoe collaboration with Gilbert!
And Club Centipede has withdrawn Gilberts VIP Membership!
Also, this isnt the First Time Gilbert's gaming ethics have been called into question:
-In July this year,Gilbert openly acknowledged playing NBA Live as himself, a widely frowned upon practice in the gaming community.
-In January 2007Gilbert was accused of giving illegal kickbacks to amateur gamers. He denies the charges.
-In 2006, the captain of Gilbert's Pro HALO team, David "Walshy" Walsh tested positive for Lik-M-Aid. It was his first positive test and he was not suspended.
-In 2005 at the World Cyber Games (WCG) Grand Final in Singapore, someone placed a $1 Million dollar bet on the Ogre Twins from an offshore account. Who are the Ogre Twins? Key members of Gilbert's Final Boss HALO team. The Ogres brought home the gold, and the man who placed the bet, one Mr. "Angel Rarebits", took home a clean million dollars. What do you get if you re-arrange the letters in "Angel Rarebits"??
Thats right: "Gilbert Arenas"!!
-In 2003, Federal Agents conducted a raid on the Bay Area laboratories of thumb specialist Bart Kelly. The raid turned up vials of possum testosterone and a client list that included the name of Gilbert Arenas. Gilbert denied any knowledge of Mr Kelly or possums.
-In 2001, an unnamed source testified to gaming authorites that a Pitfall Explorers patch that Gilbert proudly wears on his vintage Intellivision High Scorers Club jacket, was in fact purchased from him by Mister Arenas at a recent gaming convention, and was not awarded by Intellivision for gaming merit.
-In 1998, Gilbert participated in a promotional Mario Kart tournie in Little Italy. Early into the competition, an N64 Game Shark was found in the public restroom, taped to the back of the toilet. Gilbert denied any knowledge of the Game Shark.
-In 1989,Gilbert, playing as the heavily favored "Mike Tyson", was knocked out in a shocking first round upset by his cousin Blue, playing as "Little Mac", in a game of "Mike Tsyons Punch Out!" for the Nintendo NES. The next day at school Gilbert was witnessed showing off some new comic books. Gilbert denies he threw the match.
-In 1984,Gilbert took advantage of an obscure glitch to score one million points on Activision KABOOM!
-In 1983, at an unsanctioned match in a Miami KAYBEE toy store, Gilbert upset local champion Michael Quint at Atari 2600 Defender(tm) when Mr Quint was forced to forfeit because of suspicious lint in his cartridge. When confronted by Jim Gray, Gilbert responded tersely:"I'm not here to talk about the past."
Monday, October 01, 2007
WIZZNUTZZ TRYING HARD TO DIGEST TWO UNBELIEVEABLEY GAMEY SLABS OF NEWS MEAT!!!!
ONE:
Last Friday sports blogging god Will "dont hate me because my hair is beautiful" Leitch on Deadspin was ushered into the high altitude media tent to interview Agent Zero .
We all know Will Leitch is a pro, spreading the thickest "Royal We" butter since Bishop STubbs wrote the best-selling Joe Namath mass-market paperback bio "Broadway and We" in 1902, so it wuz no suprize to us that Will didnt lob no Bobo Newsom softballs at Gil, and that before he feinted Will asked him the question thats been on everyones lips:
"Have you been to Wizznutzz? "
well let me say that IN the wizznutzz offices at that minute all our attention on other things including breathing was suddenly like the bacon in the SIzzlean commercials, and with our focussed brains we levetated that old bacon away from our plates and said "move over bacon, make room for something meatier!(tm)" as we waited for our Hero Zero to answer:
My dad is more into the stuff like that, the RealGM, the Wizznutzz, those types of things. He tells me what's going on. He was sitting there for five, six hours, posting under fake names, "how do you like that Gilbert Arenas? He's a jackass, huh?" Just to see what the response is.
It is true, we are CRUSHED to find out the Gilbert doesnt spend 3 hours a day on our site or even just now an then pop by to ask GarBot2000 for legal advice
plus we are THRILLED to find out that Gilbert ARenas SENIOR IS checking our incites, loitering around like Llorenzo Williams, lurking about the site going deepcova brotha like Tubbs on the comments board. We have no idea who he is posting as, he could even be the secret alter ego of one our famous regulars:
Cheniers Ghost? David Vanterpool? Lynams Disease? Good God - Unsilent Majority?!?!?!?!?!
We love Gilbert Senior!!! In fact, maybe even Agent Zero is a little overexposed and SO we are now backing Pops, aka "Gil The Thrill" from here on out.
Its like Tortoise and The Hare story, Junior has burned bright like a meteor through the blogosphere but Senior is steady and focussed and maybe he is the real future?? Maybe its like DOnald and Keifer SUtherland. SUre Keifers got a hit show now but lets see in 10 years if anyone even remembers keifer or if they are like "You mean that albino dude in Powder?" while Donald is talk of the town and has Tinsley Mortimer's racy smells in his beard and has a hit show while the only hits Keifer's got are hits on youtube for the humiliating Dancing With The Stars audtion tape that shows him doing The SMurf in the parking lot behind The Apple Pan with SOuthern COmfort in his hand and his career down with his overalls around his ankles.
NOT really of course we will always love Gil Junior,
But for GILBERT SENIOR:
WE GIVE YOU AN OPEN INVITATION:
COme And Be an Intern At Wizznutzz!!! Write for Us!!!
We have already ordered a new Colecovision keyboard for you, and well as xtra large flame-retardant intern robes, and a monthly RideOn pass! You can even
