Wednesday, November 18, 2009
We know its been quiet around these parts. But we had a busy summer OK. Our intern AUgust Strindberg got detained in europe when he tried to sell a sexually explict, blackmarket snuff film to undercover police posing as melancholy swedish perverts. Its OK he was released a few hours later when authorities studied the tape and concluded it was actually a homemade compilation of clips of Jim McIlvaine being dunked on. But also we have been gone becasue really sometimes we think: whats left too say? There was a time we were the only blog in town but now we cant buy an incite. First came Agent Steinz with his five-dollar words and the keys to DeShawn Stevensons meat cellar. This offseason Steniz casually throws off a few lines about Chris Whitney and Jahidi White opening an armored truck business in England, a story we had been working on for six years!!! Then ballers start blogging and ballers start tweeting about their own lives, about their bowling games and their dinner at Houstons and their xbox handles. Then blogs like Bullets Forever started actually WATCHING GAMES and breaking down complex stats like Calbert Cheaneys MDD rating (Miniature Deaths Died). Then came the straw that broke the Moomintrolls back and changed the way we read sports on the internet 4ever: The washington post unleashed World Wide Wilbon!!! How can we compete with the man who invented "Mouth Twitter"???? !!!
@wzzntzz Cant stop readin WorldWideWilbon! Net hasnt seen this much Vanity since Dr Fink's sextape leaked!
So now all we do is 140 character "funcites(tm)" on the twitter box at the public library.
We twitter about all sorts of stuff, but mostly we just twitter lines right out of the 1977 Bullets media guide:
"It's been a long journey from those days in 1946 when Pollin prowled the freight yards at 4a.m"
- Thats 95 characters and its from Page 7 , tru fact I dare you to look it up
But tomorrow night Queen James and Shaq aka Shaq Foolywang aka The Last of the Moechus come to town for the biggest game of the year (we paid large money for front row so we can have unobstructed view to perform our Men Who Stare At Goats death gape) and so its time to stir up the Pot of Hate [*1] and drop our:
3rd ANNUAL 2 & 7 INCITE SPECTACULAR !!!! (featuring the footnotes of Bill Foster Simmons!)
Wizards are in freefall!!! Bodies r failing fast. Only in the Wizards broken and immutable universe could u have team with no point guards on the roster yet somehow have 4 point guards on the injury report! But Thats watcha get when you try and turn a ho into a housewife!!! Ernie spent the offseason trying to REJUVENATE the squad but now everyone walking around with the Sammy Sosa GHOSTAFCE on after hanging 6 large straight into the loss column.
Antawn delivers fiery St. Chapmans Day speech, fires up a MELONTREY and they are still picking the runts out of the ceiling tiles!!!! We havent seen old fruit fly like that since Bernard King retired!!! Protect the courtesy platters!
How did we get here? Lets take a long look back at some of the key developments that have happened since we last saw you...
THE RETURN OF THE CRAZY ONE
Gilbert is back!!!!!! But is he the Real Coq Diesel???? Yeah hes shaking off more rust than Andray Blatches retainer (a record 12 Turnovers in one game - Whats Happening Franchsie!!!! )
But when you think that just 12 months ago wiz trainers told gil "YOU WILL NEVER WALK AGAIN. Also you might be pregant" it brings tears of joy to see him swaggerjacking like his old self. After years of setbacks and pain, Gilbert called up Celebrity Trainer TIM GROVER and said "Dwayne Wade has some beautiful legs. I want some legs like that. Tim Grover: autotune my body!!!"
So Gil went back to SoBeach to get Grovercized. Cuz Grover knows knees. Even if you dont know who tim grover is, he knows who you r, he probably got a file on your knees somewhere locked in a giant warehouse including pictures of your joint taken while you slept naked. grover is obsessed with knees like gene shue was obsessed with bowel movements. Grover is the Oscar Goldman of the NBA. When it comes to the MENISCUS Tim grover is like a mixture of Caeser Millan and Josef Mengele, if Josef mengele wore a bluetooth and smelled of hand sanitizer.
First Grover broke down gils body. Grover went Paleo on his ass. Gil dropped 20 pounds!!! And his dogs lost 5! Gil was so scrawny he make christian bale look like ted leonsis. 20 pound is alot!!! Last time a DC baller lost 20 pounds is when Peter Ramos donated his burlap underpants to the Puerto Rican Museum of Natural History!
Gil was so skinny his skin got all loose and it messed up his black mount rushmore tattoos, made his Malcolm X tat look like a Gordon Parks portait of BigDaddkyKane.
And after he broke down Gilberts body, then Grover broke down his mind.
He used all sorts of classic psychological strategies, like putting Gil in a locked room with two giant piles of Mike & Ikes... one pile all Ikes, one pile all Mikes, and Gil in the middle of tha piles with a pair of tweezers and then Grover locked him in there and blasted at hi volume a video of Howard Jones concert footage from the "Dream Into Action" tour over and over and over and made the rule that everytime Gilbert hears the phrase "Hunger for the flesh" he has to move one Ike from the Ike pile to the Mike pile with the tweezers and every time he hear the phrase "Caught up in the mesh" he has to move one Mike from the Mike pile to the Ike pile and he cant stop until one of the piles is empty but its really an old Buddhist lesson on the nature of existence: now matter how many time you watch the Howard Jones video the piles are always come out even!!!!!!
It might all sound crazy but Grover did in 6 weeks what Wiz trainers couldnt do in 2 years. The Wiz trainers have been slammed by Gil and Etan Thomas and people around the league for their conditioning regimen of hand weights and Capris SUn. And it used to be even worse when we had Steve Stricker as head trainer. Steve Strickers methods were a mixture of Christian Scientist practices and whistling. Steve Stricker watched his kids gerbil one weekend and on monday at show and tell it pulled up on the wheel with a bad hammy. Steve stricker couldnt be stopped but he was stopped by the NBA finally when they took his license after he performed the worlds first reverse-gastric bypass surgery on Jahidi White.
When Gilbert returned he had a new body and a new attitude.
Gilbert announced he was stricly business and then he announced he would announce no more.
He was tired of being pulled around by the strings media press like a spastic bighearted childpuppet. He made a vow of silence. It was a shocking vow to make,, more shocking even than the time Rod Strickland vowed to never slide a spicy halfsmoke down his throat. These are vows against a mans own soul and in Rods case against his own liver which was compromised when he took to sleeping with his prescription relish patches on.
Then Gilbert renounced all monickers, inclduing, and devastatingly so, the AGENT ZERO name with which we had baptised him.
But Agent Zero belongs to the people !!!! not to you and not to us!!!! Trust us we know about who owns names [*2], we tried to patent an anti-seizure midcation in Cuba called "Lynam Chew" and even they would not recognize our claimz.
Gil declared himself changed forever, like in the Brevin Knight biography "The Lord of Rings", Gil came back as GILBERT THE WHITE.
But you cannot change a mans swagger. He is not fooling us only fooling himself and he knows better than that. No one loves movies more than Gilbert but this summer when he was getting all serious he claims the only movie he let himself watch was Sam Mendes' AWAY WE GO but the whole time he was watching it gilbert was secretly hoping the films poignant hesitation would transform itself into a giant corvette robot and destroy everything in sight. Gilbert is tying to sleep on a couch piled high with soft resolutions but will toss and turn and never dream until he steps down and pulls free the tiny pea, the stony gonzo pit, that awakes with a fury in its feathery charnel loam
REBUILD IT AND THEY WILL COME
Coming off a lost season, Ernie Grunfeld had to rebuild a team with brokedown stars, slumdog millionaires, and a dogs breakfast bench. Last year showed wiz bench is about as deep as Chaz Bonos vajayjay!!! He was faced with task of rebuilding the team and to rebuild he need a plan and he needed one fast. You know what they called people who build things and have plans? They called ARCHITEXTS
And in the NBA GMs are like architexts. There are many types of architexture in the history. They say there is only one golden rule in architexture and it was made by a guy called Pythagoras and it was called "the golden rule" and it said that a beautiful man has a head that is 1/6 the size of his armspan, but Pythagoras obviously never met JaVale McGee so we dont trust it.
Here are some types of Architexture used to build succesful NBA teams:
1. Danish Functionalism Focusses on functionality at the expense of beauty
Example of Buildings: Aarhus University, Denmark; Bojangles Gentlesmens Club, Ballart, Austrlia Example of NBA Team: San Antonio Spurs
2. American Foursquare "A reaction to the ornate and mass produced elements of the Victorian and other Revival styles, the American Foursquare was plain, often incorporating handcrafted "honest" woodwork."
Example of Buildings: Riverside Manor, Everett WA; The Gar Heard Sears Family Home No. C227 Example of NBA Team: 1990s Utah Jazz
Example of Buildings: The Palace-fortress at Masada; The Palace at Auburn Hills Example of NBA Team: The 1988 Detroit Pistons
4. Theory of Ruin Value Architecture "The concept that a building be designed such that if it eventually collapsed, it would leave behind aesthetically pleasing ruins." This nationalistic architecture tends to be severe and aspires to rule its surroundings emotionally and physically
Example of Buildings: Zeppelinfeld Nazi Party Rally Grounds, Nuremberg; Wheaton Plaza, Maryland Example of NBA Team: The New York Knicks
5. Googie Architecture "A form of novelty architecture." Populist, frivolous, and exaggerated.
Example of Buildings: Brunswick Covina Bowl, Los Angeles; Ben's Chili Bowl, Washington, DC Example of NBA Team: 1987 Washington Bullets (President: Susan O'Malley)
6. Totalitarian Architecture A monumental, megalomaniacal school of architecture that borrows from Neo-Classicism, Heroic Neo-Realism, and Brutalism. This is an architecture of self-edifice: colossal statues erected in tribute to ones self. Popular with Grecians, aspirational despots, diamond importers and others who suffer from Edifice Complex.
Example of Buildings: Hitler's Reich Chancellery; Stalin's Palace; The Zed Mervis Mausoleum Example of NBA Team: Cleveland Cavaliers
SO then what kind of Architect is Wiz own GM ERNIE GRUFELD>???
Ernie is the Civil Architect. The Civil Architect doesn't try and leave his signatures on his buildings. His designs arent gratuitous and flashy. His buildings are understated, they are efficient and if he is successful they remind you of nothing at all. An elevator button that always seems to be right where your finger is reaching; lights that arent too bright, arent to dark; DMV waiting chairs with thoughtful ergonomics but couldnt quite be called comfortable. Construction that conserves power through mass storage, passive cooling, night flushing. Night flushing - totally underrated 80s canadian rock band! When Ernie went into the offseason he dint have a lot of cash to make a statement. He had to make the best of dated technologies. While other GMs were out flipping properties, or scooping up luxury real estate, ernie was was waiting for the bubble to burst, laying prey on fiscally anxious free agents, the panicky old men.
Ernie was the guy throwing CASH 4 GOLD parties, the guy who drives around in the van eyeballing day laborers on the corner.
Ernie was following around the eviction man with a roll of singles, quietly sidling up to to piles of turned-out sidewalk property, saying to the kid "dont cry little man, your gonna be OK. Ill tell you what Ill give you $10 for your Daddys aquarium. For another 50 cents Ill take that James Ingram LP too..."
Ernie had to be smart and he had to be frugal. lets take a look at his offseason moves:
SIGNED FABRICIO OBERTO:
@wzzntzzIs that Fabricio Raul Jesus Oberto or did Christian Laettner come dressed as a rapist for halloween??
Oberto is a non-thinking mans Etan Thomas and a poor mans Marcin Gortat (Tru Fact: "Marcin" is 3rd most popular baby name in Poland. It means "Betsy")
DID NOT DRAFT DuJUAN "Hold The Ligaments" BLAIR
DID NOT DRAFT RICKY RUBIO
Ernie said "DOnt Believe the Bombo!" and lets RDubs slide through his dedos. SOme fans were angry but Ernie knew something they didnt know: that Rubio let it be known he would not play in Washington DC because Julias Empanadas refused to name a premium snack in his honor called "The Sex Pocket" aka Bosillo Sexo!
TRADED THE 2018 RIGHTS TO RICKY RUBIO ALONG ETAN THOMAS, BIG OILY an THE UNICORN SLAYER to Minnesota
The trade was a blockbuster!!!! even though it was held up for a week while Minnesota counted Etans salary (Abe flew the salary coach, all in nickels)
in return Ernie got:
Randy has lots of upside but also some downside.
DOWNSIDE: If you are getting a player as "Gilbert Insurance" why take a guy with knee problems? Why not go find a guy with the supple knees of a child? Someone like Brian Cardinal who spent much of his a life sitting on a bench with ready access to the worlds best physical trainers??
What does that mean??? It means HIS SWAG IS ABDOMINAL!!!!
Thats right Randy Foyes internal organs are reversed!!!!
This means great joy for us, as you can see by our draft day twitters:
@wzzntzzRandy Foye: scouts describe him as "slasher". Gastroenterologists describe him as "SOUTHPAW"
@wzzntzzFamous people with Situs Inversus : Catherine Ohara, Dr. No, Revolver Ocelot from Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty
@wzzntzzRFoye, like the feminien hygeine commercial sez: sometimes nature gets it wrong! Be proud of your Boggleguts RFOYE!!!
@wzzntzzRFoyes intestinal dyslexia not first example of a dc baller to have reversed parts. Cal Cheaneys hands were on wrong arms. 2 bad he was a lefty!
@wzzntzzAlso Tim Leglers nipples r reversed. & JJeffries has a marsupial pouch. No biolog reason but he keeps his Clark bars in it during practice
Oh We got so very many more where that come from!!!
- Randy Foye dresses to the left!
- Randy Foye is the real "Man in the Mirror"!!!!!
- Randy Foye is teeing off from the back 9!!!
- On the Chinese blackmarket they call Randy Foye "Devil Pieces"!!!
- Randy Foye flushes like an AUstralian toilet!!!!
WHEN GOD WAS DEVELOPING RANDY FOYE, HE SHOOK THE POLAROID!!!!!
we luv you RFOY your silly putty is a true miracle!!!!!
This a sure sign that Abe Pollin is starting up his In Vitro Farm!!!! the clandestine eugenics lab that he ran under the Capital Centre from 1992 until the day the Park Police shot a wild "boar" who stank of Burberry cologne and wore a medical anklet that read "LEDELL EACKLES EXPERIMENT No. 37. NONVIABLE. DESTROY AT MATURITY"
Maybe reveresed organs is just the first step in some fantastic leap of human evolution????
Maybe Randy Foye is like an gastrointestinal lung fish, and one day in the future men will have not just their organs reversed but their entire bodies reversed and DeShawn Stevensons son will have a giant tattoo on his back that reads: "NOS SNWAHSED" !!!
The two were nearly inseparable.... Miller used to have that monkey everywhere he went, including to the mall, where Sonny would ride around on Miller's shoulder....
Sonny had his own bedroom, but "I didn't have no kids, so he got to post up wherever he wanted," Miller said. He would get food from the fridge whenever he was hungry; grapes were a particular favorite. He loved playing billiards, though "he wouldn't use a pool stick, he'd just throw the balls"...
"You would always put him in his room, and then we'd lock the door, and then we'd put the dogs out, and then we'd lock the front door. Well, he found out how to unlock doors, unlocked his door, went downstairs, let the dogs in the house and opened the front door. About an hour later we got a call from our neighbors, saying, 'Your monkey is riding your dogs around the neighborhood.' "....
Which brings us to Miller's sons, Mason and Mavrick. Before Mason's birth, Miller decided that Sonny was too protective, so he was given away to a sanctuary, a process he described as "emotional" and "terrible.".... They've since seen pictures of Sonny, and still have photos of him in their house, but they don't hang out any more. Miller has since grown his hair, and doesn't think his monkey would even recognize him any more.
MIke Miller and his pet monkey!!! he is like a human speed racer! Like a male David Schwimmer!!!
But seriously there is only one obvious outcome to all this:
Obviously some primal trigger will awaken inside Sonny and he will escape from his new home and spend months following Mike Millers trail across America trying to track down the father he was stolen from and of course Sonny has no pockets so he cant bring any money with him so he has to stop and work for a few weeks at a time to pay for his bus tickets, and when he makes it to DC he takes a job as Russ Thalers hairstylist and thats when he sees a picture of Mike Miller on the television and next thing you know Sonny shows up at he Verizon center one morning during practice, where he overpowers Gheorghe Muresan and races screaming onto the court where he sees Mike Miller - of course he still recognizes him!!! and his little monkey heart alsmot explodes but then he sees big JaVale McGee posting up on Mike Miller during a drill and he goes in to a furious protective rage and goes for straight for JaVale testicles (thats just their nature dont hate) but then Gilbert Arenas steps onto the court and walks right up to Sonny stares him down and sonny can tell right away that this is the Alpha Male and then he knows he doesnt have to fight because the order of dominance is established, and the rage and hate slides right out of sonny like a tainted halfsmoke and Sony leaps into Mike Millers arms and licks his face and then spends the rest of the season as the teams honorary mascot (there is probably a testicle attack on GWiz for mascot supremacy but this time probably no one steps in) and Sonny is back on Mikes shoulders and Nick Young learns how to change a diaper but when its late at night Sonny is out on the court shagging balls for the Gilbert, shagging balls nomatter how late becasue Gilbert is the Alpha and the everyone feels great and warm and Sally Jenkins wins a pultizer for her 6 part series for the Post about the great Monkey vs. Alumni football game of 1917.
Mike Miller is a natural blonde with tattoos, a brute with a gorgeous game. He has a rugged tidiness not seen in DC since Sister Christian Laettner.....
Thats right: Mike Miller is a stone cold MACHOSENSUAL!
What is a machosensual u ask? If you have to ask then u probably are not one.
Its the true science of man. (except in germany where it is legally a cult)
All that stuff is great about Mike but it is simply not enough 2 make us overlook the fact that he walked into our building wearing the Devils Hightops.
Washington Wizards guard Mike Miller, despite the urgings from his teammates, will continue to wear LeBron James' signature Nike Shoes.
The last thing we needs is another curse Mike Miller take your damn shoes off play barefoot before you get Plantar Fasciitis from your feet rebelling from their immune systems trying to destroy the shoes!!!!
Not only that but no true machosensual can wear LBJs. It would be like Burt Lancaster wearing UGG Boots during the kissing scene in From Here to Eternity!!!
WHCIH BRINGS US BACK AROUND TO LEBRON JAMES!!!
Queen James had a rough offseason.
First off he was worried he had SWINE FLU. LeBron James cant have SWINE FLU thats redundant just call it THE FLU. Lou Gehrig didnt call his own disease LOU GEHRIGS DISEASE!!!! They dont call it FATMANS OBESITY or PETER RAMOS' LETHARGY
Warning to LBJ: DONT GET HIGH ON YOUR OWN SUPPLY cuz like Monie Love say "Somebody's fryin' bacon / Without realizin' the great risk they're takin" (Swiney Swiney, 1990)
WHile dont wish the cancer on nobody obviously all that jawing cam back to haunt him. all that chewing the cud of arrogance.
ANother possible cause:
VINCENT GALLO PUT A CURSE ON HIM!!! Vincent aint friends with LBron james but you now who he IS friends with??? BRAYLON EDWARDS!!! [*3]
Vincent Gallo used his famous aboriginal BONE POINTING execution technique. Chloey Sevigny is the only one who has survived it!!!
WHAT VINCENT GALLO STARTED WE WILL FINISH TONIGHT WHEN WE LIVE TWEET THE WIZ/CAVS GAME!!! (ON ESPN! TONIGHT!)
[*1] "Pot of hate" should not be confused with "Pot of Hate" charity organization founded by Scott Skiles
[*2] Naming right are a serious business. Here a an amazing and TRU story about naming rights. SO you know how they had those Washington Bullets cruises back in the day?? You would pay for cruise and on the boat would be current and former Bullets players and coaches and their wives and you get your normal cruise but also get to watch your wife rub sunscreen on tim legler and play shuffleboard with jeff ruland [*4] and smoke cigarettes with rod strickland in the wave pool and go to matchmakers brunch with Susan OMalley while your kids watch the crew feed Gheorghe Muresan. Well u know how in 1998 the Bullets changed their name to Wizards? Well what you might not know is that the cruise company had signed a 10 year agreement to operate Bullets Cruises so even after the name of the team was changed the bullets cruise kept sailing until the team filed a lawsuit but the ship refused to dock in american waters so was protected by international maritime law but amazing thing is, some of the 1997 Bullets were still on board!!!! They sailed around the world for 2 years until the livestock were eaten or died and the cruise directors had to find anotherway to stay afloat so they started hosting offshore gambling and smuggling e-waste and running secret cargos of "gherkin" from west africa. Then Bullets Cruise was seized by Somalian pirates!!!! The pirates said they would shoot Ashraf Amaya dead. Abe Pollin said he wanted a "proof of life". The pirates delivered a size 16 mandal. Abe Pollin said I dont pay pirates! The pirates said if you dont pay then we shoot. Abe Pollin offered to swap DeShawn Stevenson for the release of all the former bullets on board. This sent the pirates into a rage. Pretty soon things got desperate and AShraf Amaya, Jaren jackson and Matt Fish huddled up and decided they had do something because "if the pirates dont kill us then Jonny Rickets will, cause we just ate the last on the non-dairy creamer lets roll yo", and they staged a mutiny and overpowered the pirate captain and put him on a rowboat and put him to sea and they took control of the cruise ship and set sail until they landed on the shores of a distant island with bountiful foods and topless natives and exotic animals (Matt Fish became an amateur Naturalist!) and they decided they were going to stay and live out their lives in paradise and they did until the Rhode Island park police arrested them for indecent exposure
[*3] Vincent Gallo is also friends with our own intern August Stringberg! They are collaborating on a series of Miller Lite webisodes for showtime.com based on the 19th Century erotic works of Gilles Neret starring DANE COOk!!!!
[*4] Jeff Ruland only came aboared because he actually though he was attending a "Mullets Cruise"
But they pulled me out of the sack, And they stuck me together with glue. And then I knew what to do. I made a model of you, A man in black with a Meinkampf look And a love of the rack and the screw. And I said I do, I do. So daddy, I'm finally through. The black telephone's off at the root, The voices just can't worm through.
-"Daddy", Sylvia Plath
See I been a loser just about all my life Type that try turn a ho to a housewife
The color barrier has been broken! its only a matter of time until white men are allowed to play in the NBA!!
And Flip is bringing Sam Cassell and Sam Cassell's amazing face! This instantly gives us two things we need: a coach and someone who can beat Agent Zero in a 3point youtube shootoff!
Everybody is weighing in on the big news.
Mostly, people are HOT FOR TEACHER but there are also lots of top analists around there who say that Flip is just too Flip and that he will let Gil run amok like a free range chicken and that only avery johnson has the kind of strict, hard-minded nofunnybizness mojo to put Gil in his place .
Mike Wilbon sez it: "Arenas, it seems to me, needs a coach who's more hands-on, somebody not only willing to take him on behind closed doors (or publicly, if necessary) but a man who's eager to do it, a coach with a deep bag of mind games and a bit devious himself."
Tom Knott sez it: The emerging relationship between Arenas and Saunders lends itself to speculation because Arenas is accustomed to acting on whim.
and in between cosmetic procedures, Peter Vescey sez it: Saunders is far too normal. He had trouble gaining the respect and keeping the attention of a reasonably stable core of polished Pistons. Imagine trying to accomplish something constructive while suffering Agent Zero's histrionics.
SO much worry in the world! The position that was open was 4 "NBA COACH" not 4 "GILWHISPERER" or did I miss something???
Basically what all these gruffnecks are saying is: "GILBERT ARENAS HAS DADDY ISSUES"
That deep within Gils dome is a child in need of a stern father figure like Avery Johnson and that anything less is soft parenting and will cause Gilbert 2 act out crazy and start making Papa Dont Preach Videos.
Well for one this is rich that Mike Wilbon would flip like Wilson and pickett since he has been the self-appointed patriarch of all DC sports for 2 decades- the conservative, provident old-timer, emotionally remote, hard to please, loathe to express affection or support. He forced Dan Steinberg to sack race with him at the WaPO father-son picnic and then shocked staffers by beating him with a Joseph Abboud braided belt when they lost to Dan and Sally Jenkins!
But of all issues Gilbert has the one he DONT have is daddy issues.
He might even be the only guy in the NBA who DOESNT have daddy issues.
Gilbert got a dad and they are best friends. Gil Sr raised Gilbert Jr doing whatever it took to give his boy a good life thru hard times and times of soft relief and Agent Zero loves his dad right back and showed it when he was a little boy by helping him with Miami Vice line-readings and he showed it as a grown man by buying his dad the 57 Maybach from the movie 'Memoirs of a Geisha' and on the front of the Mayback it said "Payback" cuz gil is all good with his pops and if a Geishawagon tells u anything it tells that if Gil got issues they are Mommy issues, so if Ernie Grunfeld had hired Pat Summitt or Murray State golf coach Velvet Milkman then yeah we'd have a problem.
It was the 2008-09 Wizards that had daddy issues. and im not talking about Pamela McGee buying Bud Ice at tenley mini mart for nick young. LIke we said before this years team was a RUMP STATE - its a very real thing google it. They had no authorities in charge and it was left to them to raise themselves like Dickens orphans. they were a party of five, a pack of wolves, a tribo-juvelist cooperative (I made up those words)
Yes they had a Dad but their dad was like Dirk Benedict (i did not make up those words) in the movie ALASKA who crashed the family plane into the mountains and the young kids were faced with a harrowing adventure to race against time and nature to save him. They had to think fast and grow up and come up with a plan and work together to cross the wild and while they were doing all that Mike James slipped back into the plane wreckage and stole dad's wallet.
Then the boys pooled their belongings: 12 NBA per diems, a box of chew straws, one Connect Four board game, some mobile phones and a beat up Russian romance novel. When they realized they had no food Darius SOngalia started panicking big time and yelled "mankind is always just 7 meals away from murder" and put the Connect Four chips, 11 blacks but one red chip, in a pouch and wanted to hold a lottery to decide who would get stoned to death and eaten by the rest. Caron calmed him down a bit and said: hey we in the wildnerness this place is crawling with food, Andray you go in the bush and bring us back some brisket son. ANdray walked around an hour or so then got hungry and ate some berries he found and lay down and slipped into a cold sleep. When Drey didnt come back everyone started to argue abouit what to do next so Antawn divided the group into the "Biguns" and the "Littluns" and made a rule that everyone had to talk in turns and whoever had the conch shell it was their turn to talk so they passed it around and everyone said their ideas, Nick Young used his time with the conch to tell the first 40 minutes of the movie Gladiator and then eventually Gil made a ruling to shut down the conch once and for all because he said he was being misinterpreted. Then Darius started saying he could hear Rhianna singingto him on the rocks and walked into the ocean smiling and had to be dragged out. Then things really fell apart and everyone went really animal and order broke down and the Biguns waged a war on the Littluns and chased Juan Dixon to a rock pool and "whirlpooled" him and then Pecherov escaped the mob into the woods and Darius went after him and an hour later came back alone with blood on his face screaming about how he "killed a unicorn" and then Flip Saunders stepped into the clearing in his neat suit and surveyed the wild bunch and said i will take you out of here and the boys wept the weep of shame at what theyd become
The media getting all testy as it gropes for the scoop like blind men hunting for the hot sausages at a breakfast buffet. Give the man some space!!! when jesus came back you think he had to put the miracles on hold so he could reply to texts from Mike Jones?
This is breathless news!!! We r so exited! It has been so long, will we even recognize Gilbert????
Will he be wearing one of those ratty mexican Baja hoodies and talking about Mo Tucker's chaste drumming like kids usually do when they leave the house for 2 years?
Will the duct tape slow him down?
Will he launch a half court shot on his first possession?
Will he twitter at halftime? from the shower????
Gil has said he will only play ONE road game.
AT CLEVELAND! WHo said we didnt make the playoffs? !!!!!!!
THIS IS OUR PLAYOFF GAME AMERICA!!!!!!! DC/CLEVELAND ROUND FOUR!!!! Pack your bags Soulja Boy its ON!!!! A one game battle royal!!
Gilbert is going 2 go all John Henry and outscore cleveland and its fancy cold new machine all by himself! He will come 2 the mountain and u will hear his HAMMAH ring and he will beat that steam drill down and he will score 100 points and when he socres the last game winner his knee will literally explode and kids will sing his song in schools for years to come, or at least in the schools for special kids
August Strindberg grinning with pure joy as he poses with Agent Zero at a shoe signing in Malaysia
Wizznutzz and Gilbert 4EVER!!! like Peaches and Herb say, "me minus you is a lonely ride!!!!" We r Like Heckle and Jeckle, like Phil and Steve, like Muskrat Jonas and Muskrat Jarvis!!!!!
We been quiet here for a while cuz when Gil holds out we hold out, and damned straight u know If Gil had walked we had walked. What u think wizznutzz would stay if they let Agent Zero go? That we would be jilted at the altar like olde Miss Havsih-Slam, spiralling into a madness of WHERESTHECAKE and animated 9/11 patriotic bacon gifs ???? Hell no boy, if Gil had gone, we would have packed and rolled: grabbed the Finnish boy, the poet, the naked Maury Chaykin pix the naked Ken Beatrice and the key to the Circuit City mens room and hopped on the first SARS Xpress outta town cuz where gil goes we go like hungry Ramora on an anacostia snakehead!!!!!
But we knew all along he would come back to dime at five. It was classical Gilbert. Like Chris Webber say: "2 Much Drama"!!!!! Gil and Ernie and Twan did their little dance: Gil said Ernie, "I wanna be a Wizard, but Not without my daughter!!!!" And then Antawn Jamison told Ernie "I wanna grow old with you!!" and then Ernie told Gil: "Heres 126 Million dollar check from Abe Pollin made out to Juwan Howard. I can get you one just like it" and then Gilbert thought to himself "If there's a speed of sound and a speed of light is there a speed of smell?" and then he thought to himself "What can i do for my family with $127 million that I can't do with $111 million??" And then he did the math. No, not the math that says that the 16 million xtra dollars invested today would be worth another whole $127 million when his son turns 40, but the math of getting a quote from the firm of Oscar and Lucinda Architects for the all-glass basketball museum of his dreams and he found that for only $111 million he could he get the glass museum built AND fill it with rare Randell jackson Bnei Hasharon Israeli Premier League jerseys AND install a gorgeous custom Jeff Koons chrome balloon sculpture of Calbert Cheaney AND even have money left over to install the actual Calbert Cheaney!!!
Gil thought to himself, "I can have my glass museum and add help the team add a key piece to help us win a championship". Hey it doesnt matter that the "key piece" might turn out to be "AwveeStorey". Its the thought that counts!! Did Rod STrickland take less money so the team could wrap up Tyrone Nesby long-term??? HELL NO! and now TNez is Vilinius' Most Notorious, blowing up big on the International scene while Rod got no rings and lost it all in the great subprime halfsmoke bubble of '02!!
16 Mil is still good money to leave on the table. And its money on the table for 6 years, which means maybe the team could use some of it to finally put head atheltic trainer Eric Waters through college!!!!
It didnt hurt that owner Abe Pollin personally called up Gil and said
"You're my boy Gilbert. You remind me of a young Wes Unsled. You see there are two kind of people in my life these days Gilbert. Those who remind me of a young Wes Unseld, and those who remind me of a certain old jew-hating President. I'm going to make you a rich man Gilbert and all you have to do is win us a goddarned championship. Dammit I may be old but I'm a stubborn sonovabich and I'm a goddamned fighter and I'm going to outlive that goddmaned hillbilly Jimmy Carter and win us a c**ting championship if its the last f**kdamned thing I do."
Gil and Twan werent the only big stories in the offseason.
Fan favorite Roger Mason cashed out and was hired as the new editor at Deadspin!!!!
Mase is very excited about the opportunity!!!
"We are very excited about this opportunity. Like many young boys, we always dreamed about being an editor for Deadspin. We never thought this day would come true. We are humbled and ready to step in and contribute right away"
While we r so sad to be losing Mase, we are at least happy that he has found a good new home at Deadspin, Gawker's crown jewel... the salty-plump, turgid Big Bite amid the mottled, snapless specimens that turn on the oily rollers of Nick Denton's oily empire of wordy bitchmeats.... We love Nick Denton!!! Hes the Gay Tom Knott!!!!
And there was also the NBA Draft! Everybody has napoleonic incites about the draft. Its easy to be John Junior Mockdraft and say "u gotta take this guy John Nash!!!!" but things dont always go that way. Like just ask Juan Carlos Navarro!!. And Like in '06 when everyone was high on Quincy Douby and he turned out to be a Seth Rogen/Jack Klugman movie that is still stuck in pre-production!
We would just be happy to draft a starter for once. SOmeone who quite pans out. We had had our hopes set on Nathan Jawai, the first Aboriginie ever in the NBA!!!! We never even saw him play, but after seeing the DeShawn Stevenson japes on primetime TV last season, we just wanted to hear Hubie Brown explaining the "Point The Bone" gesture to the espn audience!!!
And we had hopes of getting Kevin Love, son of former Bullet Stan Love!!!
Kevin inherited his dads hoops skillzz! Better even, he inherited his dads huge stash of homegrown crying weed!! But most of all we had our hopes on drafting the cheeky little imp Petteri Koponen!!!!
aka "KID NOKIA" aka "THE FINNISH RIFLE!!!!!" No Sleep Til Helsinki!!!!
Out beloved intern Jaarko is from Finland! And he has had quite a summer since Petteri got drafted. Jaarko has been all over TVs in Finland on the talking shows as an expert of Basketball. The whole country in Finaland has been following Kid Nokia. He is most loved athelete since national hero Sulo Bärlund embarrassed Hitler by taking silver in the shot put at the Berlin Olympics in 1936!!!
Kid Nokia played great in the Vegas Summer league, which they called in Finland MOOMINSUMMER MADNESS. Kid Nokia's first summerleague game had a TV rating in Finland of 98.7!!!!!! Thats almost the whole country watching including TVs in prisons and madhouses! Jaarko has been so busy doing the talk circuit - hes been on all the biggest shows, like "Cold Mämmi" and "Aito Sports w/ Topi Köstas" which caused a big stir on the internet when Jaarko was ambushed by Grööp Gropinggar, the bestselling author of "Tuesdays with Magnus"!!!! Grööp erupted and lost his mind!!!
He yelled at Jaarko: "Jaarko you seem like a bright guy but quite frankly I think you are full of paska!!!! I have some of your incites here in my hand from your blög "wizznutzz.com" and they are most outrageous and full of impolite spellings. Maybe you say blögs are wonderful for us but I say they are hevonpaska!!!!"
It was very awkward!!!! I could tell Jaarko was nervous because he was doing that little thing with his hands that he always does when he's nervous - masturbating.
And then Ernie unveiled his most ambitious project yet, a spruce goose of a kid goes by the name JaVale McGee.
But we call him
THE VALE OF CASHMERE
The skinny on the skinny:
7 foot tall. Armspan = 2 fathoms. 2 Team All-WAC. 1st Team MAD magazine Writer's Group.
First thing we thought when we saw JaVale McGee play was.... "Tracy Morgan has AIDs?!???"
The second thing we thought was "Wow this kid is RAW!!!!"
I mean we know Ernie likes em raw. Ernie aint building a bench, Ernies building a Sushi bar. But the Vale? The Kids raw!!!! How raw?? The Vale so raw he only picked up a basketball for first time 2 years ago when he was 5 foot 4 and the University of Nevada told he they didnt have a Quidditch program!!! Hes more rookie raw than Gilbert's Mons Pubis!!! He's so raw he got 'Goodnight Moon' tattooed on his back!!! Hes so raw he sings when he laces up his sneaks:
Make a teepee. Come inside. Pull down tight so we can hide. Around the mountain... here we go!? Here's my arrow. Here's my bow.
WE watched the VALE play in the moist and jumpy paradise that is summerleague!
We learned that the Vale may either be the second coming of Kwame Brown, or - fingers crossed! - the first coming of Kwame Brown!!!
What else did we learn from Summerleague games???
We learned that Dee Brown raps and that he barrels into the lane with the panicked violence of a wild pig startled from the bush.
We learned that Vladimir Veremeenko is slighter, prettier, than we expected. We learned that he has bangs that are blond, expensive, and hands that are soft, expensive.
We learned of a kid named ELGAR, who has a 19th century hypnotist's name and an elegiac game.
We learned that Nick Young gets altitude sickness from his learning curve.
We learned that THE TASER is set to stun! And that he's having a baby! And that ANdray "ENDLESS SUMMER" Blatche is interviewing nannies!
But the Wiz arent the only ones working hard this summer!!! We came by the MoHut and found Ken Beatrice had gone Rumplestiltskin and....
Deeee-lux quality!!! On heavyweight name brand shirts!!! using the supple blood of Michael Westbrook!
(There are a couple exceptions: for now our custom shirt line, and the popular BLING ZER0 and BULLETS FEVER shirts are still made using the hi-quality printing of our old spreadshirt sweatshop!! This means right now you can still buy these shirts, but you just combine the shipping with the rest of the swag from our store...)
What does silk screening mean??? It means we will be able to bust out fancier designs and use more colors in our shirts fro n ow on!!!!
What's cooking on Agent Zero's fire bowl? Chicken? Shrimp? Black Mamba? It's all good. Only one thing matters: when Gilbert Arenas lights it up, you better step back or you're gonna' get burned! "HIBACHI!" Savor the snack-downs in our declious Hibachi tshirt!
Who is the man Who is an 18-time all-star? YAZ! Right on... Who is the man That leads the Red Sox in career RBIs, runs, hits, singles, doubles, total bases, games played, and who last won baseball's triple crown? YAZ! You're damn right! He's one bad son of a Skonieczny! For 23 years he was the heart and soul of the Boston Red Sox. Carl Yastrzemski, the man they call 'Yaz'.
My parents fled to the suburbs and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!!! White Flyte: The Pride of Suburbia! The White Flyte have been tearing up well-funded exurban rec. leagues for over two decades: from Atlanta, to DC, to Philly, to Cleveland. Don't be ashamed of your Beltway Outsider status! Diversity = Death! Your parents knew that years ago when they piled the young family into the station wagon and headed into the wild mild, out past the Dockers outlet store, like modern day pioneers. White Flyte basketball is uptempo basketball - it's all about running! Take your skills, and head to the hills, in one of our signature, authentic, fashionably honest White Flyte throwback tees!
WIZ are fading in the low winter sun faster than a gyros poster in a deli window. Like Yeats wrote on his fanhouse Slouching Towards Bethlehem Shoals blog :
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Whats to say really. there is no need for wizznutzz anywayz now that we are all being replaced by cold science of CALVIN BOOTH WIDGETS
NBA in the 21st century is run by robots controlled by Mitch Kupchaks blackberry!!!!
The only hope we all have is AGENT ZERO and the Jolly Swagman doesnt let us down, dropping some jaw dropitty droppersin the latest issues of Mens Journal magazine (dont know Mens Journal? Its basically the same as Dog Fancy but with men instead of dogs)
REVELATION NUMBER ONE
"I'm building it right now in my backyard: a replica of Hugh Hefner's pool, only a little better. It has a grotto and everything, but with flatscreen TVs, a kitchen and a bathroom. No bunnies."
So it a playboy pool 'replica' but wait "no bunnies"???? Hefners pool replica with no bunnies - so what is left to replicate? James Woods' semen?
Still the parties will be great, with Nick Young doing cannonballs and strutting about in a fur speedo and hours and hours of 'Marco Polo'!!! It will all be fun and games until GWiz is found floating face down one morning.
REVELATION NUMBER TWO
"I order a Corona and a Shirley Temple, then mix them 50-50 in an extra glass. I've been doing it for about a year now. It tastes like a sweet Corona. I call it the Agent Zero."
Move over sambuca and meat drink, we now have official new cocktail in the Mothering Hut!!!!
It is even more delicious than these other WIZARD COCKTAILS:
THE SALIERI 2oz Cherry Gatorade ('94) 32oz Bitters + a splash of Bitters
and our fave: Steven Blake Rusty Bay Still 96 "Gout de Terroir"
The heavily inbred varietal results in a sweaty wine, with pungent character, and disagreeable notes of raccoon urine and buckshot.
Wizznutzz wines page contains more obscure references than Ledell Eakles birth certificate!! I dont even know what that means!
REVELATION NUMBER THREE: THE REVENGE OF THE FUR SPEEDO
"When I was new in the NBA the team veterans convinced me to shave, you know, down there, because they said the hair stinks. I used my girlfriend's razor, which was rusty and gave me keloids. The doctor prescribed medicine to dab on, but I just poured it all over. Three days later I woke up screaming. The skin was burnt off my scrotum, down to my crack, everything -- just raw flesh. I still had to run and play, so I used a numbing spray for a month until it healed. Now I use clippers."
OH NO YOU DIDNT!!!!!!!
OH NO U DID NOT TAKE A RUSTY BLADE TO YOUR MONS PUBIS!! OH NO YOU DID NOT SERVE UP LOIN TARTAR!!!! OH NO YOU DID NOT GIVE YOURSELF A DEVILS HAIRCUT!!!!!!
jesus christ gilbert next time u want a romanian bikini wax u dont gotta go Sweeney Todd on your Jimmy Oliver -- just come to the mothering hut!!! Jaarko can give you the AUSTRALIAN all-natural hair removal system:
But then the other shoe dropped. No not the limited edition Ike Austin/Laughing Cow collab CheeseCleat(tm), but the newz that Gil would be gone 3 months!!!!!!!! and the sun boiled and the wax melted and our wings fell away and we plunged back to earth screaming "Naaaaaaaa-choooooo o o o o o o o o o o.............."
We were desparate!!!!
we visited Jamie Motteram, our pastor at Christian Laettner's Divine CHurch of Machosensual Science, but when he answered the door his face was streaked with Kiehls product and tears, he didnt need to speak his grief, his overplucked eyebrows told us everything!!!!
We called our sponsor, Agent Steniz for counsel, but we just got the machine, it was Brandon Lloyds voice saying: "Sorry, my man Steinz cant come to the phone right now. My boy's too busy hi-liting passages from his old copy of Bridge To Terribithia and muttering to himself like some crazy motherfucker."
With our personal Patch Adams support team in a state of emotional breakdown, we did the only thing there was left to do:
We initiated the official Wizznutzz Doomsday Countdown(tm)!!!!
We worked quickly and methodically and without emotion executing the preparations.
Darvin was recalled from the Albuquerque Thunderbirds. He asked coach Ruland on the way out: "Do one thing for me Jeff. I want you to take care of my Momma OK Jeff" and Jeff said, "of course I will! Do I know you?"
By nightfall Circuit City was burning, Wizards team physician Dr. Barry Talesnick lay dead (he struggled WAAAY less than former trainer Steve Stricker!!), we had opened the specimen cages at the Abe Pollin In Vitro Farm, and we had moved into the backroom, slipped on our rare 4-pair of matching Jimmy Oliver gameworns (really, they are rare, Jimmy only played in 3 career games!), and slipped on our matching white sneakers, Adidas Gil II Zero X Customize (August wrote latin profanities on his with greasepen!), then we vaccinated Dana, and moved into the Mothering Hut with our tins of tainted meat, crimping pliers, a case of Capris Sun, a staple gun, a bale of jute woolpack, and Ledell Eackles...
and just as we were about to seal the door we paused and we thought....wait...
"What would Gil want us to do????"
and so we aborted the doomsday countdown (we just took the batteries out of the Simon machine) and broke up with our girlfriends and and fired up the Colecovision!!!!
THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO!!!!!
(Speaking of breaking up with girlfriends, it seems from his blog that Gilbert has something of a hands-off approach to parenting as in "get your hands of my mansion walls you weird little deadbeats!"
"Now she's back in California. You ask for space, you know, because everything feels closed in ... the house is dirty, the kids are drawing on the walls and on the couches and you're thinking, "Oh man, I can't do this. I'm not playing well and I'm coming home to all this."
RULE #1 KIDS:
DO NOT DRAW ON GILBERTS COUCH! !!! Gilberts couch is his bed is his throne is his home is his thinking place is his office is his Halo temple is his suede womb
We understand its hard gilbert, concentrating on your career in piece and quiet when you have to deal with the ruckus of your girlfriend taking care of your kids on the other side of your 28 room estate, so we have open offer to you gilbert:
You wanted to Collaborate with the wizznutzz, here is your chance!
Let us Raise your children!!!!!
We will turn the Wheaton Plaza Circuit City into a CIDER HOUSE RULEZ!!!! we will home school your kids gilbert and you can trust a good education of the finest in EDU-TRAINMENT(tm) available that will teach them unique skills that only we can teach them:
like how to not look GROKE in the eyes, and which Florida area strip clubs have a No Overcoat policy, and most vital: How To Melt Cheese in The WIld!)
We were disconsolate and feared the team was cursed and we feared total collapse from the Wizards, but like The Who album is called:
"THE KIDS ARE ALRIGHT"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Not the music album, but Pete Townshend's personal Flikr Album!!!!)
The last week has had many good games, lots of points, lots of discovering hidden talents like Caron's new threepee skill and Brendan Haywoods new skill of calling timeouts everytime he gets double-teamed.
There have also been lots of games against teams that have lots of Eurpoean talent, and european talent means lots of bony white guys with lesbian haircuts!!!!
I dont see that much pasty skin in a Hamburg youth hostel!
For Bobcats its not just euroze with the bad hair, check out that bench: Dudley, Davidson, McInnis - no wonder they cant win games they too busy braiding each other!!!! And Not even Emeeka Mouse could help the BKats cuz there are 9 words all wiz fans know spells victory:
"And MacInnis checks into the game for defensive purposes..."!!!
Then there was Golden State with ANdris Beidrins and Kosta "Kostco" Perovic. Some say "Goin Foreign" is great for the NBA but is it?? David Stern gets 10 million eastern european eyeballs (not to mention the foreskins), but all we get is this:
Then there was Memphis Grizzlies with euro-paeons Pow Gasol and our old friend and filthy greazy spanglish bear chaser and turncoat and former WizardJuan Carlos LA BOMBA Navarro.
oh "La Bomba", oh Por Favor!
Taking one look at JCN i know they should call his Madre "La Bomba" for hitting the sangria so dam hard during the pregnancy. I never seen such an advanced case of Foetal Alcohol Syndrome!!!
JCN was born with flippers for arms AND a five-o-clock shadow! Thats one hairy preemie!
And then there was a so sweet upset of Dallas in Dallas against the Great White Wurst Dirk Nowitzki. Superfan SASHA send us a awesome story about how this offseason DIRK went on a soul searching walkabout in the outback with an old "mostly bald" German mentor (provided in xchange 4 Qantas frequent flier points) so he could satisfy his wanderlust and arouse his Weltanschauung.
"He had come this far... surrounded by sagebrush and stiff yellow grass... "
And that was just the first day having a shower at Andrew Gazes!!!!!!
The article talks about how Dirk went to australia, (fun fact: did u know "austalia"= ABoriginal word for "Floating Turd"???) so he could follow ancient aboriginal tribal rites of "walkabout" ("loitering") . In aboriginal history, they say aborigines had "SONGLINES" which were songs and music that had codes in them that told the history and also mapped out their land, so they could hear the song and find their way home, kind of like how hidden inside Nils Lofgrens' "Bullets fever" is a Hot Shoppes locator map, if you just know how to listen right.
WE r winnin and grinnin bcuz All of the players have stepped to fill Gilberts production!!
Caron Butler spent the whole offseason camping with Brent Price in the mountains and when he came back down he was curious about so many things, but one thing he was most curious about: how he could now shoot tha 3-ball like a white baptist!!! Not only is Tuff Juice draining threepees like The Rature was a WNBA team, he is still the teams toughest ballers. Tuff Juice is like The Equalizer
"Got a problem? Odds against you? Call the Equalizer."
Meantime Antwan "Antawn" Jamison is scoring for 2 men. Ive never seen such an amazing variety of looping layins: Runners, Floaters, Finger Rolls, Tear Drops, Giant Killers, Soft Bombs, Rainbow Pots, Chip Shots, Silver Horseshoes, Hanging Judges, Til Tuesdays, Tender Mercies, Creeping Cheesewheels, Raised Eyebrows, Drag Chutes, Broken Slinkys, Randy QBerts, Johnny Reboulets....
Twan credits his heavenly flexible ways to taking up yoga in the offseason. Fortunately he didnt take his classes from former bullet and current plainclothes yoga instructor Kevin Duckworth, who teaches unique trademark yoga poses such as the "Flipped Tortoise" , "Corned Beef Salutation" and "Accessing The Hollywood" !!!
Meantime the young gunz are growing faster than recalled wet season CHia Pets in a Bangladeshi warehouse.
ANdray Blatche is like some kind of ninja iguana!!!
With his big lidless eyes, his low heart rate, his sly blending into his surroundings until the rock comes buzzing by and then THWAAAP!!!! out comes the tongue!!! out comes 2 tongues , two arm tongues, he can block the ball and taste it at the same damn time whatta creature!!!! when hes not like a ninja iguano hes like those giant dancing air puppets u see at car dealers, you know, like "MR EXCITEMENT", or "ACURA BLUEPUFF" or "LOGO TUBE" or the mysterious "COMMODORE...."!
Plus Andray Blatche has studied in the Japanese art of "AKIMBO". Kwame Brown was a master of Akimbo. Its the ancient technique of physical discipline where you can make your body parts too fast for your own mind!!
Nick Young: yo we call him "JANSPORT" . we just started csalling him that today. WHy do we call him Jansport? We call him Jansport because he has been asked at a young age to shoulder a heavy load, and because when you see him he has a bounce in his step and lots of youthful NRG but you can see he has lots of homework he has to take home and because whenever he is on the court, for better or for worse, you know someone is gonna end up getting schooled!!!
Darius Songalia has amazing hands and feet for a man who is built like a gamey slab of elk meat. He is like a reindeer carcass that has been enchanted by a lithuania sorceress!!
Oleksiy Pecherov: When I see the team clownin with Big Oily in videos like this it makes me think of the retarded kid character they have in nostlagic movies about italian americans growing up in the 50s. The other kids tease him sure, they get him to steal them candy, and they laugh at his slowness but they also love him and treat him like a real person in a way that science doesnt and show it by pooling their allowance and getting him a nice hooker played by an uncredited Marissa Tomei.
And finally the fearsome Brown Hornet, Antonio Daniels. My Man! AD is so old school. He is fearless and attacking, with a lurchy churchy swag, he is man who is throwback to days when black man walked through violence and chaos on the corner every day. He flies into the flagrant fire, then struts to the foul line with his badass ethiopian profile like he just slayed a tiger, like hes emerging cool from tha flames of a race riot with the sign around his neck that reads:
TOMORROW ADIDAS UNVEILS "GilTV.COM" AND 4 DEVASTATING NEW SHORT FILMS STARRING MARVIN BRANDO, NACHO ARENAS AND AGENT ZERO!!!!!!
THERE ARE NO WORDS TO SAY NOW EXCEPT: WHEN DID MARIO VAN PEEBLES START FILMING MY DREAMS???
ITS AMAZING WHAT CAN BE ACHIEVED WHEN YOU TAKE THE GREATEST BASKETBALL PLAYER ON THE WORLD, THE CREATIVE POWER OF ADIDIAS, , MATHEW BARNEY'S SPARE LOBSTER SUIT, AND SOME STRIKE-BREAKING WRITERS FROM UCLA FILM SCHOOL!!!!
The last week was a big one for the wizards and they rolled out of the nest and got Eddie 4 shiny nuts for the harvest!!!
But it was only last week i was reading angry comments about Gilbert on the websites that made me so sick i couldnt even swallow my morning Sparxx n Beans.
ANgry sports fans throwing Gil under the RideOn, yelling how Gilbert needs to 'shut up' and 'stop blogging' and 'stop talking this and that' and 'just win games', saying "show me something!" like he is your mule and you are his brayman on tha hill and you think u can abuse him and that your disgust will make him work harder for you.
Well I got some questions for those fans:
Are you Abe Pollin? What have you ever done for US??? What do you know???
Are you working as a Junior commission salesman at the Mens Warehouse, measuring the thighs of Rockville Pike men , so you can save up for a Sports Management correspondence degree from that school you saw a commercial for when you were watching Outer Limits reruns on FX at 2am and bitching at the screen about the cheap special effects??? Is that what you are thinking about on your lunch break after you get your Blimpies card stamped and r on hold waiting to talk to Scott Jackson on your fucking Bluetooth and u r having a smoke outside the Mall, are you thinking about all the changes you would make on the team if you were running things, like trading Brendan Haywood for Kevin Garnett, and more minutes for Nick Young, and more minutes for Dominic McGuire, and more minutes for Juan Dixon, and firing that black coach and playing defense and moving the team to Germantown??? WHy do you even cheer for the Wizards? Why dont you just cheer for the Celtics already?? You already cheer for the Patriots. You started being a Patriots fan 3 years ago when you decided the Redskins werent hustling for you enough and not giving Skip Hicks enough minutes and you didnt need that shit anymore. Now you call beers "Bruschis" its so clever you and your pals should get a espn show, maybe Bill Simmons would come over to your townhouse and make lists of Best SPorts Movies with you and you guys stay up all night arguing like pals.
Why do you think Gilbert Arenas owes you anything? Gilbert arenas doesnt owe you shit. hes not playing for you. hes not playing for your money. you think Gil has been up all summer practicing that cool new behind the back pass he does til 6am with some poor MCI parking attendant because you bought a $40 4 ticket family plan and sold the other 3 tickets on the internet???
Name me one player on the Bullets or Wizards in the last 20 years that you would trade Gilbert Arenas for, straight up. Name ONE!!!!! You got 20 years, take your pick. And no, you can't include the expiring contract of Llorenzo Williams!!!!
WHy are you so ready to throw a first stone, didnt u learn anything from the bible or Footloose??
IF you want an EVEN STEVEN then you got the wrong team my friend cause this team lives and dies by DONNY DUWATCHALIKE. If you dont like inventors why are you still shopping at Sharper Image, why dont you go next door to Sears where they have more reliable warranties but the Pepper Shakers dont have built in flashlights??? If you want the top dog then you got the wrong nature documentary cause gil's the craziest bird the the bush, hes the crazy little bird with the puffed up feathers doing the weird dance and building a bright blue nest out of old Connect Four chips and trying to mate with a bear. Gilberts the real Coq Diesel, the Spartist, The Creator, The Vagina, and make no mistake DC ball is Gilberts Cabaret and if you find the show too queer why dont you find a place full of joyless fan-bullies like yourself who spend all day cheering for a frontrunner and calling up talk radio to argue about rosters -- its called Staten Island!
For the rest of us, this weekend was a great and special time, because Gilbert announced on his blog that he now yells out "NACHO!" before each shot he takes!!!
You know, like Nacho Libre? Yeah, so every time I'm shooting it, it's just: NACHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Serving chips and dip.
This is so extraoridnary for so many ways.
We are extra excited about it at Wizznutzz, because we gave Gil the Agent Zero name, and in a way we gave him the name NACHO too, because fans have been hearing us yell out NACHOOOOO!!!!! at games for 10 years!!!! We are yelling NACHOOO! from the minute we walk in and we are yelling it at tip off and we are yelling it to the final horn . We are yelling it at the mexican restaurant thats run by the chinese people we go to after the game. Its called "Yummy Taco" but Cheniers Ghost calls it "Fuzzy Taco". We are yelling it on the subway on the way home, and the next day we are yelling it at children in playgrounds! And now when u strut your nachismo Gilbert, we r your backup singers!!! We are your Pips! We are your motherf*kin Range!
You will see from the site that Nacho Arenas is described as a "sound editor" but that doesn't tell the story.
we will tell you the story though!
Nacho is indeed a 'sound editor' but that sound is his voice.
Because Nacho Arenas is Mexcio's premier African-American voice over artist!!!!!
What does it mean? It doesnt mean he is african-american, it means that he provides all the voices for black actors when they dub american movies into spanish to show at mexican theatres and the mexican airplane!!!! He is the only mexican who can do authentic african american dialects. Many mexicans try, but after they all do the same monologue from Good Times at the audition the director is like "Get me Nacho Arenas, Holmes!" So whenever a mexican sees a great modern black american actor on the screen, they are seeing Morgan Freeman, or Denzel Washington, or Don CHeadle, or Bubba SMith or Reggie Theus, they are SEEING them but they are HEARING Nacho Arenas!!!!
What is also amazing about his story is how his life story mirrors so much of Gilbert Arenas story, as you will see. Just as Gilbert dreamed of being in NBA all his life but is still amazed to be there in the Association, so did Nacho have dreams and now thanks the lord when he walks down the carpet roja at the Mexican premiere of Money Train!!!!
Nachos story started like Gilberts, when he was a boy with little means and chances and growing up in difficult times.
Nacho Arenas was a boy living in a small farming town in southern Mexico where he raised fighting roosters with his Mom and Dad.
It was a simple life.
Nacho would wake with the sunshine each day and go out into the farm and try and make the chickens a little more murderry and insane that they were the day before.
He was good at angering chickens to be sure, but it was not his dream.
Then one day his life would change, when a famous American Actor called MARVIN BRANDO came to visit their small town because he was doing research for a new Werner Herzog movie he was filming called "The Savagery Of CHickens".
When Marvin Brando came to town everybody was so excited!!! especially Nacho's mother, she was so excited that when Marvin Brando left, she left with him as his new girlfriend to go to America!!!!
All of a sudden Nacho Arenas Sr. was left to raise his son Nacho Jr all by himself.
When it came to breeding cockfighters it was really Mrs Arenas who had the real special gift. Her fighting breed, the feared "Chickity-Choco" was undefeated but when she was gone they lost their will to fight and so Nacho Arenas Sr slaughtered the whole flock, and he and Nacho Jr buried the caracasses and loaded up the Volkswagon Beetle and drove to Mexico City where Nacho Sr. would pursue his dream of being a Mexican soap opera star. But his dream didnt work out too good and Nacho Sr spent most of his time making ends meet taking a job hanging the second upside down question mark on mexican movie marquees.
He had very little money and couldnt afford the schools for Nacho Jr, so Nacho taught himself how to read by reading the only book he had.
It was also the only thing he had to hold that had belonged to his mother. It was very very special to Nacho.
It was the novelization of the 1980 movie "Stir Crazy" and its cover showed a black man in a chicken costume who looked hurt and Nacho imagined that was him in the chicken costume, and because it was once his mothers book young Nacho read it and reread and reread it some more and slept with it under his pillow and wrote "¡Morio Marvin!" in the margins. He started to read it aloud and one day a scout overheard him doing the Richard Pryor voice ("Oh no, I don't want no cheesburger!!") and next thing you know he is discovered and famous and fast forward to last year when Nacho Arenas Jr was given a lifetime achievement award by the Meixcan Academy Awards for voicing all 33 characters in the spanish language dub of smash summer hit Norbit! Although in mexico it was called by its spanish name "Norbít".
Pretty incredible story i know.
But not as incredible as the top secret bombshell we have for you today!!!!
On his blog Gilbert also talks about his new limited edition kicks coming out soon.
Well we have an exclusive preview of a very special new shoe!!!!! How did we get it?? we cant say, but it involved some shady dealings, dealings that may become more clear next time Calbert Cheaney tries to use a credit card!!!
We'll keep it secret no more, ladies and gentlemen,
Monday, October 22, 2007
We didnt think this weekend could get any better after we read about Gilbert rounding up the repairman like he wuz Elliot Ness and violently and thoroughly suppressing the rookie insurrection of Nic n' Nick n' Night in the great 07 NoVA paintball massacre!!!
It was like leading lambs to slaughter, pumping rounds Jackson Pollock style onto Fat Jamar's back canvas!
By some miracel of Peter non Colpevole Can we pleez jesus get the security tapes on this?!!!!???
It is timez like this we are extra sad we dont have La Bomba in camp. the battle might have come out different. Word is La Bomba shoots paint like he was the second coming of Diego Rivera!!!!
But we are even more cheered up today when superfan and superstringer MJ RUTHERFORD slips under our door this morning the FOLLOWING STUNNING PHOTOGRAPH:
It is from last spring taken on the corner of 7th and F Streets and its a true foto and it shows none other than NBC News Chief White House Correspondent David "Stretch" Gregory buying illegal wizards tickets from a "Beltway insider"!!!
Lets hope it was just wiz tickets DGregz was after and not tickets for "Section 420" for him and "my friend Tony SNow" if you know what Im saying!!!!
Message to Agent Arenas: It has recently come to our attention that your recent games have been flagged for boosting. A form of cheating on Xbox Live. I would like to just keep you in the know that Bungie.net Support Staff and Xbox Live have been sent reports on your cheating... I would also like to point out that we are currently drafting up an email to G4tv and ESPN about the shame you have brought to the gaming community.
No doubt, your sponsored team will also come under fire for this...
Thank you for hearing us out...
Hey "Asshat", William Bennett called. He wants his penis back!!!
Can these Accusations be TRUE???!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Representative for Major League Gaming (MLG) released this statement to the press:
We take these allegations against Agent Arenas very seriously. For an MLG player/owner to be found guilty of these charges would be a very serious breach of conduct. If our investigation finds merit to these allegations, our offices will act swiftly to protect the honor of our industry. Agent Arenas would be demoted from his rank of Colonel Grade 1. He would be stripped of his body armor. In addition, we would place Mister Arenas on a 2 year term of probation, under which he would be required to play all online HALO campaigns during this period as the character "Q*bert". We feel this to be fitting, given that Q*bert is the only player character in professional gaming history to have an asterisk officially added to his name.
MLG isnt the only one taking action:
Mark Ecko has cancelled his shoe collaboration with Gilbert!
And Club Centipede has withdrawn Gilberts VIP Membership!
Also, this isnt the First Time Gilbert's gaming ethics have been called into question:
-In 2006, the captain of Gilbert's Pro HALO team, David "Walshy" Walsh tested positive for Lik-M-Aid. It was his first positive test and he was not suspended.
-In 2005 at the World Cyber Games (WCG) Grand Final in Singapore, someone placed a $1 Million dollar bet on the Ogre Twins from an offshore account. Who are the Ogre Twins? Key members of Gilbert's Final Boss HALO team. The Ogres brought home the gold, and the man who placed the bet, one Mr. "Angel Rarebits", took home a clean million dollars. What do you get if you re-arrange the letters in "Angel Rarebits"??
Thats right: "Gilbert Arenas"!!
-In 2003, Federal Agents conducted a raid on the Bay Area laboratories of thumb specialist Bart Kelly. The raid turned up vials of possum testosterone and a client list that included the name of Gilbert Arenas. Gilbert denied any knowledge of Mr Kelly or possums.
-In 2001, an unnamed source testified to gaming authorites that a Pitfall Explorers patch that Gilbert proudly wears on his vintage Intellivision High Scorers Club jacket, was in fact purchased from him by Mister Arenas at a recent gaming convention, and was not awarded by Intellivision for gaming merit.
-In 1998, Gilbert participated in a promotional Mario Kart tournie in Little Italy. Early into the competition, an N64 Game Shark was found in the public restroom, taped to the back of the toilet. Gilbert denied any knowledge of the Game Shark.
-In 1989,Gilbert, playing as the heavily favored "Mike Tyson", was knocked out in a shocking first round upset by his cousin Blue, playing as "Little Mac", in a game of "Mike Tsyons Punch Out!" for the Nintendo NES. The next day at school Gilbert was witnessed showing off some new comic books. Gilbert denies he threw the match.
-In 1983, at an unsanctioned match in a Miami KAYBEE toy store, Gilbert upset local champion Michael Quint at Atari 2600 Defender(tm) when Mr Quint was forced to forfeit because of suspicious lint in his cartridge. When confronted by Jim Gray, Gilbert responded tersely:"I'm not here to talk about the past."
Monday, October 01, 2007
WIZZNUTZZ TRYING HARD TO DIGEST TWO UNBELIEVEABLEY GAMEY SLABS OF NEWS MEAT!!!!
Last Friday sports blogging god Will "dont hate me because my hair is beautiful" Leitch on Deadspin was ushered into the high altitude media tent to interview Agent Zero .
We all know Will Leitch is a pro, spreading the thickest "Royal We" butter since Bishop STubbs wrote the best-selling Joe Namath mass-market paperback bio "Broadway and We" in 1902, so it wuz no suprize to us that Will didnt lob no Bobo Newsom softballs at Gil, and that before he feinted Will asked him the question thats been on everyones lips:
"Have you been to Wizznutzz? "
well let me say that IN the wizznutzz offices at that minute all our attention on other things including breathing was suddenly like the bacon in the SIzzlean commercials, and with our focussed brains we levetated that old bacon away from our plates and said "move over bacon, make room for something meatier!(tm)" as we waited for our Hero Zero to answer:
My dad is more into the stuff like that, the RealGM, the Wizznutzz, those types of things. He tells me what's going on. He was sitting there for five, six hours, posting under fake names, "how do you like that Gilbert Arenas? He's a jackass, huh?" Just to see what the response is.
It is true, we are CRUSHED to find out the Gilbert doesnt spend 3 hours a day on our site or even just now an then pop by to ask GarBot2000 for legal advice
plus we are THRILLED to find out that Gilbert ARenas SENIOR IS checking our incites, loitering around like Llorenzo Williams, lurking about the site going deepcova brotha like Tubbs on the comments board. We have no idea who he is posting as, he could even be the secret alter ego of one our famous regulars:
Cheniers Ghost? David Vanterpool? Lynams Disease? Good God - Unsilent Majority?!?!?!?!?!
We love Gilbert Senior!!! In fact, maybe even Agent Zero is a little overexposed and SO we are now backing Pops, aka "Gil The Thrill" from here on out.
Its like Tortoise and The Hare story, Junior has burned bright like a meteor through the blogosphere but Senior is steady and focussed and maybe he is the real future?? Maybe its like DOnald and Keifer SUtherland. SUre Keifers got a hit show now but lets see in 10 years if anyone even remembers keifer or if they are like "You mean that albino dude in Powder?" while Donald is talk of the town and has Tinsley Mortimer's racy smells in his beard and has a hit show while the only hits Keifer's got are hits on youtube for the humiliating Dancing With The Stars audtion tape that shows him doing The SMurf in the parking lot behind The Apple Pan with SOuthern COmfort in his hand and his career down with his overalls around his ankles.
NOT really of course we will always love Gil Junior,
But for GILBERT SENIOR:
WE GIVE YOU AN OPEN INVITATION:
COme And Be an Intern At Wizznutzz!!! Write for Us!!!
We have already ordered a new Colecovision keyboard for you, and well as xtra large flame-retardant intern robes, and a monthly RideOn pass! You can even play your ATlantic Starr records in the Mothering Hut!! You will get more hits than your kid's upstart blog we promise. You can razz him hard about your Click Through Rates and internet celebrity friends!!!
Or if you cant blog for us then
WE WANT TO INTERVIEW YOU GILBERT ARENAS SENIOR!!!!
It will be most gripping talked -about celebrity interview since Morely Saffer asked MJ "what did you do with Ty Lues body"!!!
Lets do it by webcam the interview! You wont belive the questions we will ask and we wont believe your aNSWERS!
eMAIL US gilbert arenas senior AT wizznutzz (at) yahoo.com please we woulkd love to set it up and take you right to the top!!
This would normally be enough AGent Zero news for one day, but then Agent Steniz reports yesterday about Gilberts NBew Cartoon SHow "GAZO THE PRANKSTA".
SPorts Bog covering the wizards is like a real life Fantasy Island. Dan is Mr Rourke and he has Littles and if you can even dream it, they will deliver it to you. Gil has hired young writers from UCLA and USC and a Jr. Animnator from "Lilo and Stitch 2" and has made a cartoon about some school kids who get snubbed by the popular kidz and their leader is GAZO who carries out pranks and japes and has an imaginary freind sidekick called Agent ZIP.
SO with the outcasts and practical jokes it is no doubt this show is based on Gilberts own life and so it is curious to see there is an Imaginary friend sidekick.
Imaginary sidekicks are common tradition in cartoons. Like when Fred Flintsone had Kazoo the martian who no one else could see. And Big Bird had Snuffleupagus and Calvin had Hobbes.
But also imagi-amigos they are also very common for real boys growing up.
There are many reasonz people have imaginary friends.
Fred Flintstone's reason was likely from hallucinations caused by an advanced glioblastoma in his brain from phosphorous toxicity he got from eating nothing but Brontosaurus meat for 30 years. But for rest of us imaginary friends help us to overconme our "egocentric inadequacies". Thats what Jean Piaget says anyway. Jean Piaget was a child development specialist and founder of The Wiggles.
They're trying out alternate viewpoints, probing causal sequences, revising interpretations of changing situations—honing the capacity to take others' perspectives, he speculates, a skill that gave our language-speaking species powers of narrative dialogue that proved highly adaptive.
Thats what a lady wrote about it in Slate website about how imaginary friends are good for you.
Now if you know Gilbert you know it is no surprise that he has had imaginary friends.
The only question is WHICH ONE of all his imaginary friends he would cast for GAZO???
Here are some of Gils Phantom friends he had to choose from:
There is "BUMPER"
who is a small yellow rabbit that looks just like Thumper from bambi but has the voice of Mabel King, Roger Thomas' Mama from the show "Whats Happening". "Bumper" helped gilbert as a child dealing with growing up without his mother. Thumper had experience in adolescent counseling from the Bambi thing and Mabel Kings voice is warm and comforting like a big bosom.
Hippolito would help Gilbert make decisions about right and wrong. The two heads would argue with eachother for control of Gilberts young conscience. Hippolitos right head usual won. This is because the left head was always singing that damn Rick Springfeild song "Dont Talk To STrangers" over and over driving Gil nuts while the Right head of the tortoise was way more fun and mischevous and got into trouble and also taught Gilbert how to smoke.
There is "MR SIMs"
The imaginary litle man who lives in Gilberts cellphone. Mr SIMs helps Gilbert feel comfortable in social situations. To talk to him Gilbert just has to call his own phone and leave himself messages : "Hi its me, Gilbert!"
There is "AWVEE STOREY"
AWVEE was the rascally imaginary lockeroom playmate Gilbert created to help him get through the anxieties of a new team and a new town!!
But GAZO'S sidekick AGENT ZIP is the best ever because of the revolutionary POUCH. Its shows Agent Zeros amazing private imagination.
GAZO'S POUCH is truly original. Well sure "Gazos Pouch" it is one of the fundamental principles of Non-Euclidean Geometry, but in the make believe world GAZO'S POUCH adds a whole new dimension because within your hidden friend is another hidden space, a moist hidden private space that has bottomless storage to hide your trickster plans, and hijinks, and secrets and to hide your FEARS until you are ready to face them.
This isn't the first time we have talked about POUCHES and FEAR and MARSUPIALS here at wizznutzz.
In fact many of you know we made a famous mixed media art piece that we sold to the Andrew Gaze Gallery Of Marsupial Art and we called it
So "GAZO'S POUCH" will be the theme of Wizznutzz 2008!
A place to hide our incites, a magic sleeve of tricks, a 'fun size' mothering hut, an antiseptic bacon incubator!!
So far the summer has been pretty calm for Gilbert Arenas. When he's not rehabbing his knee he is fulfilling his NBA Live 08 spokesman duties with the glee of Gollum in a Zales showroom.
Its is the most exciting Washington Wizards / Video Game partnership since Kevin Duckworth graced the cover of Muncher!! and since Ed, Edd 'n Eddy: The Mis-Edventures cancelled its affiliation with Eddie Jordan, Eddie Murray and Eddie Money after a disasterous game launch where Eddie Money kept yelling:
Gimme some water! Cause I shot a man on the Mexican border!
and Eddie Jordan swallowed a sharpie and Eddie Murray shouted "DONT TALK TO THEM EDDIE!!" and slapped a reporter.
He said when he was on vacation he was in a place that had no crime and no poor people! No not McLean, its called TAHITI!!!
NOw we know with Agent Zero he has a lively mind. If David Stern hadnt banned the odious racist practice of Phrenology in NBA medicals, you would see that Gilberts brain is divided into into two lobes: The Kidder Lobe, thats a funny place, and the Margot Kidder lobe, also funny, also very scary sometimes.
"Yes," he said. "I want to buy an island. Because Diana Ross has an island. Marvin Brando had an island."
1. This is not first time Gilbert has dreamed of Island Life:
Lately I've been dreaming I'm playing basketball on a desert island. That's all there is on the island-just the court, water lapping right up to the edge of the blacktop. It's just water all out there. Deep. Then I notice there are fans out in the waves, circling us.
When we did epic Agent Zero INCITE last season we explained that Psychoanalist and original MILF Hunter Sigmund Freud calls this dreamin "SELF ESTRANGEMENT":
Why is Gilbert hiding himself away deeper than Calvin Booth in a box score???
Well for one thing he has been hiding from his girlfriends Lawyers. But if you asked a man named Heidegger, who invented a magic 8 Ball you don't EVER want to shake, he will tell you that "self-estrangement" means agent zero is confronting the fears of an unauthentic life. An "unauthentic life" is when you have a public ego which is like the big billboard version of yourself outside the Verizon center, but inside you are wrestling with lifes banality, which is like wrestling with Awvee Storey but in your brain instead of the team bus.
Raymond Burr bought one. He told the locals "They Call Me MISTER Bonobo!"
Rod STewart bought the island shaped like England in that crazy "The World" development in Dubai where they make islands in shape of map of the world. Rod isnt popular with his neighbors there after he waded over to Diego Maradona's "Argentina" island and urinated on the Falklands!
And Mel Gibson bought Mago island in Polynesia for $15 million from Japan's Tokyu Corporation. Scary part is, Gibsons island has inhabitants and they are not very happy, hell no i bet they arent after they saw Apocalypto and The Bounty (aka "The Good SHip Brown Sugar Tits") and after he announced plans to remake Bird On A Wire in the native language, according to his original vision , "before the Hollywood Jewed it up"
3. Will Gilbert call his Island "SAN HIPPOLITO"???
4. What is Gilberts intention for getting island?
Is it to create socialist utopia with culture based on free expression and an economy based on "SWAG"?
Does he want to be like Mister Roarke and drive around in an orange, safari-top Dodge Aspen station wagon with Awvee Storey, granting twisted wishes to wealthy but unfulfilled washed-up B-listers like Sammy Davis Jr. and Audrey Landers and Christian Laettner???
Is Agent Zero having a mental breakdown like Paul Gauguin or ex-Orioles outfielder Jeffry "Kurtz" Hammonds and hoping to escape vertigo of western progress by running to a calming world of fruit and nakedness and wideopen crazy?
Does Gil want his own country to rule, aka a Wi-Fi Dictablanda where Agent Zero imagines himself in role of ancient Spartan Philosopher King, squashing snubs for the betterment of all, a benevolent dictator who is latest in long-line of self-appointed enlightened despots like Francisco Franco and Oliver Cromwell and Alderman George Unseld??
5. When Gilbert said how Marvin Brando bought an Island, was he actually thinking of Marlon Brando in the movie "The Island Of Dr Moreau"???
Does Gil have a fantasy of setting up an island of MANIMALS to control with his mad science and primal legislaturez????
Does he want to dress up in a white mumu like Brando and have a mini-me version of himself to satisfy a mad narcissism and to play co-op Halo with??
Ma Brand looks like a Cleveland Park pyschologist or Wes Unseld on casusal fridays!!!
But Gilbert doesnt need to dream about having an island like this, because THIS ISLAND ALREADY EXISTS!!!!
Its called HERZOG ISLAND! and its in his backyard, right in the Potomac. Dont believe it?? Just cuz they didnt teach herzog island in your Montgomery College Geography class dont mean its not so.
And Herzog is already teeming with half man, half animal freaks. They are the sad, cruel bio-refugees that escaped from Abe Pollin's evil In Vitro Farm, the top secret eugenics program he ran under the Cap Center to "Breed A Winner" for Washington.
We reported before on the evidence:
Recently declassified "LEDELL EXPERIMENT"!!! Witness the horrible results: Ledell Eackles , (aka "Ledell Eakles Prototype 3BETA. Nonviable. Destroy At Maturity.") hiding in Neckless shame in the shadows of his own fate!
Witness Manute Bol: his mother a 4'7" Baltic Jockey, his father.... "ANONYMOUS".
Witness the 9 hours erection, the REAL reason Muggsy Bogues is out of the league!
Michal Jordan calls Wizards teammates Mules. Mules atre INFERTILE. Former Bullets , Celibate Rifles!! MJ finds "leprauchauns" in his shrubs one night, parts ways with team shortly after.
WITNESS recentrly unveiled documentation: Kevin Duckworth is thirteen years old!!!
For many years these poor monsters have been living happily out of sight, under the protections of Wes Unseld who Abe put in charge of "Care Of Magical Creatures", though now and then there is an accidental "encounter" like the time the Park Service shot dead a "wild boar" on a tennis court. A "boar" that was wearing jewerly and Burberry cologne with a copy of Smooth Magazine in his pocket and an iPod shuffle filled with only songs of El DeBarge, and the Ranger who swore he heard that boar scream, "There is no pain! There is no law!" before he took him down.
-ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT FOILED! SOmeone tampered with Gilberts Bidet!! Luckily Gil was clear of the blast and when he saw the flames, yelled "HIBACHI!", called security, and cooked them breakfast right over the deadly can!!
-Secret Service detail appointed to protect Awvee Storey!!! Do you know what the Secret Service code name is for Awvee??? Hop on the comments board and tell us!!!
-Claim by former college roomate that Gilbert "used cheat codes" dismissed as "politcally motivated"
-Arsenio Hall invites Gilbert to play the Saxaphone on his show!
-In a move to consolidate power, AGENT "00" aka Weng Weng is appointed head of the FBI. Opens "Un-American Activities" file on Mike Krzyzewski!
-Jerry Stackhouse books 8-day sleepover in Lincoln Bedroom!
-Black Presidents vow to balance budget by dissolving the military, replacing it with a spartan army of the countrys finest 300 soldiers!
- Gil takes 'Vagina Power' host Alexyss Tylor out for a $2.99 plate of shrimp at Long John Silvers, gets prayed up, offers her position of US Surgeon General!
When he asks her about how he can improve his defense, she advises:
"with a penis all up in your vagina, man you dont have no defenses!"
-August Strindberg scores book deal to write sequel to Fear And Loathing On the Campaign Trail, and a whole spin-off line of "Fear and Loathing" books, loads up Cadillac with hay, absynthe, ether and angst.
VOTE FOR THE BLACK PRESIDENTS!!
Stuff the ballot box next November! U know Gilbert will be!
What was Etan doing in an Outback Steakhouse? Was he advocating equal pay for the aboriginal crouton chefs? Or was he taking advantage of the bonus per diem that Wiz players receive in exchange for Ernie Grunfeld chartering Outback's "BLOOMIN ONION 1" airship to fly in coveted free agents?
For Gilbert losing the ability to run is just uncruel and unnatural, like pushing a waxed wombat down a slide. He cant bare it. Just lying there in the dark, listening to the gentle and pitiless lapping of the bidet, feeding the steady gurgle of visions in his mind. The worlds greatest dreams often begin at the lip of a fountain, as do its greatest nightmares...
We are worried about what this isolation will do to Gil. We see 3 possibilities:
1. Gilbert loses all passion for the gaame and descends into deep spiral of depression that ends in a all-points bulletin involving Arenas, his half-brother Blue, a shipment of soviet-era ham and a Tampa-area Blimpies.
2. Gilbert summons all his inner drive and recommits himself even further to the game he loves.
3. Gilbert finds Jesus.
"Dear Lord. I know I havent slept in 5 days. But I knew when I saw David Duchovneys naked ass on "The Rapture" DVD last night that it was a sign. My health is low. I am out of ammo. If you stand with me at this time of need and help me defeat the Final Boss and get through to the next level I promise you I will dedicate my life to spreading the word."
Gilbert is forever changed. He renounces all his swag. He forgives all snubs. He abolishes all locker room area codes. He plays Gospel Gangstaz songs on his MySpace page. He becomes a faith healer, emboldened by a pair of unlikely miracles:
Like Lawrence Franks first girlfriend, the team is just trying to get over the hump!
But its fun seeing springs first young, learning how to fly. People are talking with hop about how DSong "sees the court" and how Etan 'Grand Mal' Thomas is "a force in the paint" and how Jarvis Hayes is "realizing his potential". It reminds us of the glorious days of Scott Lynns late 90s call-in postgame show, when folks be talking about how Tracy Murray just needs more minutes and Calbert Cheaney showed "fire" and Dana had a different man every night. This kind of talking is the OPTIMISTIC DEMENTIA that happens to THE LONG SUFFERING. Like when people say:
"Im glad i got cancer, it made me appreciate life!" or "Im not going to be delivering Papa Johns forever, Im just one audtion away from the big break!" or "Hip Hop is revolutionary music" or when your son hasnt learned to talk and just stares at the roof all day and as you wipe the drool of his 9 year old face, you announce: "Hes always looking up. Our boy is going to be an astronaut!"
Just a couple days ago the Penny Dreadfuls were chockity chocko with Petit-bourgeois analists stoking smithy's fires of woe and grief. Though seeing this photo of the Slack Pack:
did move my loins - hey FATHEAD can u make me a vinyl wall sticker of these squatters?? Awesome suit Ghitza... something tells me that 9XL Captain Stubing number wasnt off da rack!
Wilbon brought up the possibility of a CURSE. Yes we have had our share of curses, as we have talked about before. And we have flown too close to the sun before. And you know our motto here at wizznutzz wheaton Bureau: "The story of Washington basketball is the story of overcoming odds. But mostly is the story of not overcoming odds." Yes things were sure sad. August Strindberg's Hungarian Suicide Song ringtone seemed somehow shriller than usual. The wiz were suddenly staring down more barrels than Breaker Morant. But a wind of hope has blown through the room with a salty warmth, saltier and warmer than the time Gil shoved a slab of smoked bacon up the locker hand drier. Suddenly Lots of people have good positive attitudes about the Wizards Playoff picture and its new slogan: "The Producers! Now Starring Dolph Sweet Jr. and Brian Austin Green!"
ITS A NEW DAY, THE SUN RISES AGAIN ON MIDDLE-OF-THE-ALPHABET STREET, DARIUS SONGALIA MILKS HIS GOAT, LIFE GOES ON...
FIRST Gil had successful surgery and wrote about it on his blog and on his even more amazing other blog and seems to be in good spirits even though the doctors wouldnt let him control the orthroscopic camera with his HALO paddle. After some rehabbing with a shirtless Eddie Jordan on his moon-bounce G-Trainer treadmill, all the Final Boss guys came by to sign his cast, and Gil got up to lots of pranks to relieve the tension, clownin with the inpatients like it was scenes from the Fat Boys movie 'Disorderlies' that he made Mike Hall go and get from Best Buy.
Gil put ice in bedpans, had wheel chair races, walked around with his hospital gown open at the front, spoke like he wuz a pirate, called his own cellphone and said "Gilbert its me, theres been a terrible accident!", wrote "cut me off" on an unconscious ladys arm, wrote "Lesbian Money" on dollar bills, replaced seizure medication with candy Runts, convinced Awvee Storey to donate a kidney, and smothered James Lang with a pillow!
[timeout: who is telling phil mickelson to wear those silky synthetic tshirts with the super-tight collars? PMix looks like a Manatee that got entangled in a discarded Hefty bag! AND Hey Josh Boone, Cypress Hill wants their ugly white guy back!]
Gilbert doesnt waste any time and on his website invites people to submit "CHALLENGE VIDEOS" showing in 30 seconds or less something they can do thats amazing and unique. The winners get free swag! Gil sets an age limit of under 25 so he cant stuff the entry box with his own videos, but Andray Blatche has already sent in a video that shows him bobbing for pancakes in the bath!
SECOND Beloved Agent Steinz raised the mood roof two of his sweetest posts in a season of posts so sweet it has been like if they wrote the Bible with Lik-m-Aid.
If you r a discouraged millionaire, hanging out with poor folks is such a great pick me up! Thats why Rod STricklnd only travels by bus! Laughter is the best medicine, except it your real poor then medicine is the best medicine!
What a day it was:
-Under the cruel gaze of basketball media, Calvin Booth is usually dismissed as a 'poor man's Kevin Willis' but in the thankful eyes of the less fortunate he got to just be a 'poor mans Calvin Booth'!!
-"Then came Mike Hall, with the dinner rolls." It is not only greatest sentence ever, it is also the title of the new Raymond Carver anthology!
-Susan OMalleys sister Kathy dresses the whole family in Mothering Hut sweats!!!! -Susan OMalley danced! GWiz danced! Steinz why the hell is there no video?????? Stitch those clips together with some livestock safety footage, an Eastern Motors commercial and the last 20 minutes of the Russian dub of 'Jack Frost' and youve basically got "WIZZNUTZZ: THE MOVIE"!!!!
-"Then some kids who called themselves SB, Serious Business, came out and performed three raps, all of which involved the Pollins. Like the first lyric of the first rap started thus: "Yeah, yeah, They say Abe Pollin is such a sensation...."
Got to give big props to SB.. they must be geniuses rappers because we all know there are only 3 words that rhyme with 'POLLIN". One of them is "Josh Brolin' and the othertwo are stenciled on Abe's medical alert braclet!!!!
-Steinz tries to stir a George Folenzbee Babbitt moment out of Mike Ruffin but to no availz:
"I typically don't get depressed"
-Drey Blatche hits on teenage girls, offering to be their prom date. "I bet your boyfriend's dont have one of these" says AB showing off his bullet scar. But a member of Serious Business quipped back "Yeah maybe, but we dont wear braces either!" The Andray "made it rain" with brocolli and headed for VIP!!
Bill Walton talks about how Gil is a real gone cat and how he loved the TAkeover and having jenuwine japes back in the association.
Then he talked about LEGACY. Be careful Bill, legacy isnt always when you think it will be once father time has climbed into bed next to it with scotch on his breath. Ayn Rand had hiNRG ideas about the Legacy of Objectivism, and sure its legacy can be found everywhere, but mostly inside the Applebees on Rockville Pike!!
Then Bill quotes the Machosensual gay militia-porn film "300":
You have to learn how "TO FIGHT IN THE SHADE!!!"
at which point Mike Ruffin stuck his head in a said, "Hey weird, ive got that same slogan engraved on my squirrel knife!"
Then the most moving of things happens. Eddie ""COld" Jordan walks up with his little son, Jackson Von Jordan, and comes up to Bill so his son can meet a legend, and Grateful Red leans down to Jacksons close and fills him with such young pride, spinning kind lies about how his Dad is the greatest coach in the NBA and once upon a time was the greatest player ever and invented dogs and all us old timers sit back and beam and think what goodness there is in the world and what a grand gesture, the young man must be proud and what an impression he will have for rest of his days, while in Jackson Von's small frightened mind he comes away only remembering a terrifying craggy white kaleidoscopic giant who is like a freaky extra from a Roald Dahl book that shall drive him in his older days to write Sadcore poetry about the fundamental cruelty of the natural world and to the sci-fi Karate-intensive fringes of the Nation of Islam.
THIRD Tuff Juice isnt going gently into the good night either! He sets up registration for
Carons Camp has the "THREE Ds" : Determination! Drive! Deer Urine! When a kid spends summer at Camp Caron they get memories, and skin conditions that last a lifetime! Expect all the japes of normal camping: SNipe hunts that end in gunfire, swapping Nair into the Nubian SIlk, scary campfire stories about the couple that found Marv Alberts bloody toupe in the back seat of their Lexus, and moonlight sneaking out to swim across the lake to the Alana Beard Camp only to to discover the girls already makin out with themselves!!!
FOURTH and perhaps most amazingly Wizards Dancer and wizznutzz MYSPACE FRIEND 'CECILIA' post a pick-me-up quote of inspiration on her bio page, and the quote is by August Strindbergs myspace friend: SOREN KIERKEGARD!!!!! "To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself." - S. Kierkegaard
Now motivating quotes are common on dancer pages, but usually they are from books like Marley And Me, or Tony Robbins bestseller "I Eat The Hearts of Fat Children For Breakfast!" or from that bane of girl's high-school yearbooks everywhere: Khalil Gibran (Eurobasketcom webmaster 1883-1931)
But Kierkegaard?!?!?!?! Maybe she picked up SoreK habit from Coach Lynams days, when he would write
This is what is sad when one contemplates human life, that so many live out their lives in quiet lostness . . . they live, as it were, away from themselves and vanish like shadows. Their immortal souls are blown away, and they are not disquieted by the question of its immortality, because they are already disintegrated before they die.
FINALLY... EVEN INTERN AUGUST STRINDBERG IS FEELING LIGHTER IN THE BURLAP!!!!
Straight Outta Norra Begravningsplatsen!!!
Some might think me an unhappy man. And it is true, just three days ago the caverns of Wizznutzz echoed with my despairing yowls -- much talk of cruel fate and pickling brine and wallowing in mine own feces and whatnot. The she-succubus had clenched her loins once again, and prickly darkness was closing in.
But suddenly a spark of light appeared in the fleshy night! And then a trembling fissure spiderwebbed its way down the dank walls! And then a gust of sweet wind blew forth, and my tongue wriggled with the taste of strawberries, and I found myself on a great green hill, back in Norra Begravningsplatsen, but the Norra Begravningsplatsen of my youth, before the decay and gonorrhea, and sheep were frolicking about and I was frolicking with them -- not the frolick of ignorant youth, but the frolick of a man who finally knows his confines, and thus his freedoms as well. Our fate is sealed, brothers -- but the rest is ours.
Onwards, Deshawn -- feel not your face! Onwards, Brown Hornet -- you know how to tie a necktie! Let Etan and Brendan embrace, let Ruffin set his reptiles free, let a thousand Blatches bloom!
And what broke me from my dank prison? Who was my guide into the light? In truth, there were two: Agent Steinz and Master Walton. Says Steinz: Smile. Says Walton: Fight in the shade. Says I: yes yes and yes!
Our thoughts of course turn to mighty Sisyphus. Says Brother Camus: His fate belongs to him. His rock is his thing. There is no sun without shadow, and it is essential to know the night. The absurd man says yes and his effort will henceforth be unceasing. He knows himself to be the master of his days, a blind man eager to see who knows that the night has no end, he is still on the go. The rock is still rolling. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man's heart.
My overcoat is as soiled as ever...but somehow the soilage is a sort of perfume. They can take it all away -- but they can never take this.
Slightly slumped in a sitting chair whose wooden arms and legs were carved in curlicues and sworls, Connie Unseld raised a tumbler of Scotch to her lips, then set it down on an equally baroque side table. The click as she set down the tumbler - there was no coaster to cushion its impact - echoed through the wood-paneled sitting room. The last few rays of sunlight entered through a set of tall, narrow windows and lay long across the floor. Connie's right hand held onto the tumbler, ready to reraise when the impulse struck, which it would. Her left hand massaged her left temple.
Wes was out. Mr. Pollin - Abe - whatever - had called him in to discuss the team's struggles. Doubtless Wes was sitting across the big wooden desk from Mr. Pollin right now, sharing a cigar, pushing aside papers so they could talk more intimately about defensive intensity and offensive spacing and pace and psychological minutiae of the players and whatever else they talked about. They had talked about all of it, all day, every day, when Wes had been GM. Of course, then, much of it was Wes' doing.
Connie was dressed in a white sweater and navy pencil skirt. She could still pull it off. She crossed her ankles and slumped toward the right ever so slightly. She gazed out the window at the paling day.
Connie loved her husband. A simple statement to make, but one with consequences. When Wes went away, Connie had a lot of time to think, and she didn't like that. The job provided motivation and fulfillment, but you have to have more than a job. There's a home to come to.
She watched the games, of course, but Steve and Phil just made her brood more. Books provided some distraction, but lately, every few pages she just looked up and sighed. She took up knitting once, and dropped it, the pastime feeling ridiculous, playing with bright-colored yarn and shiny needles. Lately she'd been watching that callow Steinbog fellow on Comcast yammer Internet catchphrases in his reticent countertenor, hiding under a man's hat. It had not yet proved compelling.
It wasn't necessarily that she and Wes had long talks about Schopenhauer or took strolls in the moonlight with the wind whistling through the pines when he wasn't sitting at Mr. Pollin's desk strategizing. It was simple: He was with her. And she loved him. Any room felt happily full with they both were in it, at least for Connie. Even before middle age had made him fill every room a bit more, she had felt this way.
The thing was, when Wes had been GM, they had either been winning or losing, and either way he had to be out all the time. Connie understood this. But now that he wasn't GM, Mr. Pollin only wanted to talk to Wes when he couldn't figure out what to do, and needed a sounding board. Or a commiserator. The best way to keep Wes home was to keep the team winning.
And that was doubtless how she had gotten into this thing with that Storey kid and his voodoo bacon head that coincidentally worked when Arenas was playing well and didn't when he wasn't. Storey could watch the bacon change colors or whatever all he wanted. Arenas wasn't going to be great like Wes had been. Too frivolous. No - that wasn't what was holding him back. He desperately wanted to step behind the arc of fate and shoot the seed of talent into the basket of greatness. He was serious about his desire. But he didn't have to, in the way that the ones who became great did.
Admittedly, she thought - jumping back to Storey - the voodoo bacon head was well-supported by a certain type of literature that would forever remain beyond the ken of the casually inquisitive. A Xerox here, a story you heard there. That memorable episode of "Oprah." Being the wife of an NBA player gave you a lot of time to learn things. Storey had nothing but time to watch the bacon, and she knew it had created a kind of background resonance that had elevated Arenas to a new level this year, however halting his advance sometimes seemed. But still - something had to impel Arenas. Waiting on it wasn't going to help.
She knew some ways. But she needed deniability, which comes when you get someone stupid to do the risky but necessary thing you want done. Storey couldn't hang around Verizon anymore without raising suspicions, and obviously Wes needed to be safe from any possible blowback.
Suddenly: Wise, from the Post. She took another sip from the glass, then bent down to retrieve her purse. Wise was who to call. Blithe yet resourceful idiocy. Why hadn't she thought of this before?
She took out her cell phone and began dialing.
--posted by intern Rex Immensae Majestatis Chapman
We R sorry the site is having so much problems. I left the TRS99-4A home computer in Kens hands but Sibley Cross Hospital just phoned to say Ken swallowed the batteries for the tape recorder hard drive!!! We r working on it!
Also, tru fact, I was in AUSTRALIA!!!!!! I was there for many reason:
One, I brought my mother there for fresh air and powdered wombat bone so she can convalesce and get away from the pressure of her upcoming trialaka the "Burning Ma"am" Festival, for torching her 86 Benzo for insurance dimes. We hope to get the Judge Who Cried from the case of Anna Nicole Smith v. The Darkness trial. He seems a a fair man and would understand that just because my mom, Former Saginaw Mayor Wilmer Jones Ham, fled from police in a white pinto with her best friend Altamese Allen is not sign of guilt but of normal flight mechanism of scared animals. I know people want to turn my mom into power crazed "Lady Macbeth" but stubborn stains do not equal madness, even bacon stains. But Im no Rod Strickland. I knows a bum beef when I sees one. I am committing my times to hunting down the "real" firebugs: Cecil A. Collins Jr. and Handyman Jerry W. Wilkins. Hey JDubs, there aint nothing "Handy" about passing out drunk in the bosses backseat with a can of gas and a lit Newport. And then There are so many natural ways a ladys car can catch alight. Saginaw as u know has bad problem with Mexican possums and fire is only way to burn those buggers out when they take nest in your car. Plus have u seen what kind of Guy Fawkes pyrotechnics happen when a unattended hair iron is left on around a plastic salad bowl full of week-old Dudley's Salon Control Gel Activator????
AND BOOM GOES THE WALLABY!
It will be OK. Thanks for all your letters of support. I am not worried about my Moms. If she has to do hard time in an all-womens prison then Im not worried. Mom can bench press her wait in canteen chili and can swap her special Ham family pruno for stamp money. She can hold her mud. She aint sellin wolf tickets and isn"t afrad to shower around ladies.
Anyways meantime I enjoyed Australia! Its a couintry like Ron Artest's Tru Warior records: fiercely independent and founded by convicts! I have been keeping busy.
On the plane trip I listened to this Steve Buckhantz call for 16 hours in a row, lent Ralph Fiennes my travel lotion, and had my cheeseBoot detonated on the tarmac by Australian customs!
I was guest assistant coach at BDL - Bogan Development League with Andrew "Fatal Shore" Bogut and former Bullet Andrew "White Vegemite" Gaze!! Andrews dad Lindsay is famous Oz coach, like an outback Jimmy 'The Rat' Lynam, and was showing the young Oz ballers the Eddie Jordan offense aka "The Walkabout".
But don"t get me wrong, it wasn"t all work we also had more japes than a Yahoo Serious Film Festival!
First I went to a fancy art gallery because they added "FEAR POUCH" to the permanent collection of indigenous art.
Then Shane Heal took me down to St Kilda beach and I paraded around in nothing but my Ugg boots and lycra budgie smugglers! We had too many Matilda Bay Wine Coolers and got in a scrape in the parking lot of Bojangles Niteclub when I found out the hard way that ABoriginies don"t like it much when u ask them to "point the bone" !!!!!
Did u know integrity spins down the toilet counter-clockwise in Austalia???
Andrew Gaze called his dance partner, Linda DeNicola "The Michael Jordan of Dancing". I guess that means she did the Hustle, then stood in the spotlight and got like Morris Day and made Gaze dance in front of her with a big mirror like that yes man Jerome so she could admire herself, then she slept with Gaze's wife, called him a "flaming faggot", fleeced 10K out of him on side bets, and finally, bought an ownership stake in Australia"s Dancing with the Stars, brought in her own "celebrity" dancers Leonard Hamilton and Doug Collins and ran the franchise into the ground.
Salieri will never learn!!! He keeps rising up in the bowl like some unflushable turd. If only he could be like Don Fabrizio, the faded, existentially lost aristocrat from The Leopard who accepts that glory is conceit:
"We were the Leopards, the Lions, those who'll take our place will be little jackals, hyenas; and the whole lot of us, Leopards, jackals, and sheep, we'll all go on thinking ourselves the salt of the earth."
And now hes ponied up his share of the divorce cut to buy into Bernie Butterstaffs Charlotte Bobcats!
In every relationship, trust is very important; never break that trust.
Hey where is his vow about promising "to wipe off the musky stink of adultery before I kiss u goodnite"?
This maakes me think of an other Wizard's wedding vows. No Not Gilbert!!! Hes not married yet to Laura Govan b/c he's still waiting for Talmudic scholarz to decode the 900 page prenup provided by Laura's law firm of Eisenstein, Warburton and Hibachi. But when that special day comes for Gil to make an honest baby mama of LG heres betting he vows:
I vow to love and honor you through the best of times and the worst, and to play online solitaire during all the times in between
But the Wizard I was thinking of was someone different.
Thanks to the Freedom Of Edutainment Act, Wizznutzz have obtainbed exlusive copy of Michael Ruffins wedding vows!!!
I, Michael Ruffin, do solemnly vowe to always walk ahead of you to protect you of harm. If that means 2 or 3 blocks ahead of you because there have been reported squirrel sightings, then so be it.
I swear before God that I will never be too old to cook breakfast for you in the nude.
I promise to capture your fears and release them, like squirrels, onto the neighbors property.
It shall be my great joy to open your eyes to the rich bounties of life, and to provide you a Sears and Roebuk credit card with which to seize them.
I pledge to you that yours will be the name I cry aloud in the night and yours will be the eyes into which I first smile in the morning, not including the glazed eyes of the Eastern Fox squirrel I killed at daybreak.
I promise you a rose garden, and that I shall tend to it tirelessly, even at the expense of our time together, baiting the traps, felling the surrounding trees, gassing dormant nests, encasing the bed in 12 inch reinforced concrete so not one nut shall find purchase, and synchornizing the small, pressure-sensitive explosives.
I dont know who we r influencing exactly but its a safe bet they are carrying around a warm block of Philly cream cheese in their front jeans pocket!! There has been a tipping point that much is 4 sure. Since day wizznutzz launched, livestock fertility in Holland has tripled!
NICE SHIRT D SHAN!
Thanx for the honor DAN and JMOTTZ! Sure we've had some awards before, like Lifetime Acheivement In Innovation from the Dairy Board, and Mike Russo declared our collection of nude Maury Chaykin photos as one of "Top 10 Sites I check Each Morning", and then when our intern Jaarko was first Finnish person to ever win gold at the "Giffy" awards for animated gifs for his floating Ghitza heads. but this is special!
Meantime, Agent Zero has major new BLOG incites.
First up, he mentions one of wizznutzz fave things ever: his Dad's cameo on TNBC hit show HANG TIME!
Its the coolest cameo since Brendan Todd Haydwood's dad Spencer starred in a 'very special episode' of Growing Pains where he taught Maggie Seaver about the dangers of the Post-Suburban Mandingo COmplex!!!
Hangtime starred Reggie Theus! Building a sitcom around Reggie Theus is like building an offense around Calvin Booth! Gil Sr took the role real serious. Not MiamiViceserious mind u, but serious no doubt. Maybe it even went to his head a bit, like when he would go to Gil Jrs ball games and heckle him "Your game OK but you aint no Julie Connor!"
Gil SR stayed in REF character for 16 months! This is why sometimres AGent Zero gets so distressed letting zebras get into his dome.
he named him Trplie A: Alijah Amani Arenas! It was a toss up between that name and Ashraf Amaya Arenas!!!
Gil is already competing with his son:
I was talking a little trash to him already.
I told him hopefully he darkens up a little bit, because he was a little light in the skin. Then I told him he needs to watch the movie 300, because he needs to be a Spartan type of man.
We first compoared the Arenas men to Spartans last year:
Gilbert is like a SPartist. In ancient SParta they had no currency or capital and eveyone sat about and had tons of free time and no jobs and almost everyone was a musician --like Takoma Park but more showering!
Agent Zeros gonna be an awesome dad. He's gonna be the Earl Woods of HALO!!!! He bought his son a tiny couch to sleep on! He's already playing his signature pranks on AAA: hosing him off when he makes potty, pulling all the heads of his stuffed toys, replacing his children's asprin with candy Runts!
AAA is a sweet nickname. Its better than our choices: "The Turnover" "Sub Zero", "All The Black Presidents Men" , and "Hippolitolito" !!!
Hop on the comments board and give us your own Gil Jr Jr Nicknames!!!!
Brad Generico: Hi, everyone, I'm Brad Generico, and with me is Dick Vitale. Here at Cameron Indoor Stadium, possibly the most unusual basketball exhibition match in college basketball history is about to take place.. Tonight, Gilbert Arenas, the starting point guard for the Washington Wizards and one of the most prolific scorers in the professional game today, is taking on the entire Duke Blue Devils college basketball team. He's not doing it alone, though - he's got four former Washington Wizards with him, but they're playing unusual roles.
Dick Vitale: Yeah, Brad. Arenas has four other guys with him - Mike Smith, Michael Smith, LaBradford Smith, and Clinton Smith. They're playing under these rules [graphic appears onscreen, DV reads text]:
Players other than Arenas cannot shoot unless they're unguarded
If a player other than Arenas has the ball and is guarded, he must either pass to Arenas or pass to an unguarded player, if one is available
All baskets by players other than Arenas only count for one point, and their free throws count for half a point
BG: But they can play normally on defense. They still have no substitutes, though.
DV: Yeah. And this all came from when Gilbert was trying to make the U.S. men's basketball team, coached, as we know, by Coach K, Mike Krzyzewski, from Durham, North Carolina, baybee! One of the finest coaches in the college game today and a great choice to lead the U.S. men into international competition.
BG: Where they finished third.
BG: Yes. Gilbert was not selected for that team, and he's been taking his revenge by scoring at least 50 points when he plays against the teams that are coached by the assistant coaches for the U.S. squad - Mike D'Antoni of the Phoenix Suns and Nate McMillan for the Portland Trail Blazers. Gilbert wrote on his blog, "One college game...that's five fouls, right? ... 40-minute game ... at Duke, they got soft rims ... I'd probably score 84 or 85. I wouldn't pass the ball. I wouldn't even think about passing it. It would be like a NBA Live or an NBA 2K7 game, you just shoot with one person."
DV: And the NBA and the NCAA said, "Hey! I wanna see that! Arenas versus Coach K! A clash of the titans!"
BG: So they came up with this game, and these rules, that are an attempt to translate NBA Live to the real world.
DV: You know, Brad, I really think this game and everything surrounding it is a travesty of the highest order.
BG: You mean like when you got fired from coaching the University of Detroit?
DV: Hey, that was deserved, baybee! I'm no Coach K! No, this game is an insult to everyone involved besides Gilbert Arenas.
BG: And it's coming to you live on ESPN after these messages.
15:34 left, first half
BG: And I think the question you have to ask yourself is, "Why is Mike Krzyzewski leaving Greg Paulus to guard Gilbert Arenas one-on-one?"
DV: Well, you take a look at these replays, here's Arenas driving around Paulus for the easy lay-in, here's Arenas shooting a three-ball over Paulus, here's a midrange pull-up J from Arenas. Clearly Paulus is challenged stopping Arenas. Arenas has a lot of lateral moveability and strength and a great touch on his jumper.
BG: And that is the reason why Gilbert's team is up 18-4 at this point. Because every point so far has been scored by Gilbert.
DV: Well, the former Wizards have also done a nice job shutting down Duke's offense with their athaleticism. I can't believe Michael and Mike Smith weren't forces in the pros! They're defensive stalwarts! These Dukies, they can't handle the inside presence, the leaping, which means these Smith guys must be real standouts.
But I think you're going to see Duke go to a double-team on Gilbert soon. They don't call him Coach K for nothing, baybee!
BG: I thought it was because the first letter of his last name was K.
DV: Hey, you might be right, Mister Generica! Hey, Mr. IQ over here! But this is just a time where Duke will have to adjust and see if they can get back in the game.
BG: And now the Cameron Crazies are chanting "ZERO HERO," as Arenas pops his Wizards jersey at them.
DV: And that's just classless from Gilbert and typical of this travesty. The Cameron Crazies have it right - Arenas has zero heroism. Zero. Hey, Gil, pick on some basketball players your own size, baybee!
BG: Arenas with the 27-foot 3-pointer, and it goes down smooth. 21-4, Arenas.
5:11 left, first half
BG: Who would have predicted the offensive explosion from Mike and Michael Smith?
DV: That's what has to happen when you throw three guys at Gilbert, baybee! The other players have to make you pay!
BG: And another turnover by Josh McRoberts, as Michael Smith paws at the ball and strips it from him...and it's an unguarded layup for LaBradford Smith on the other end.
DV: This is one group of Smiths that don't sing lovelorn tales of alienation leavened with mordant humor!
BG: And Arenas with the strip, then splitting the double team. The layup puts Arenas's team up 37-19.
Kelly Sidelinea: Coach K, you're down 17 and your team can't stop Arenas unless Josh McRoberts, Greg Paulus, and DeMarcus Nelson orbit him like flies buzzing around spilled Coke. What's your strategy going into the second half?
Krzyzewski: Well, obviously we've got to execute better. Our halfcourt offense has really been disrupted. We've got to make stops on defense and get out in transition. I'm going to have to be a leader who just happens to coach basketball.
KS: Any thought to going back to single coverage on Arenas?
Krzyzewski: No, Kelly. I think we're simply going to have to get every one of our players to play sound fundamental basketball.
11:32 left, second half
BG: And Arenas steps to the line for the and-1.
Krzyzewski's "Hack-A-Smith" defense has brought the Blue Devils back within 3.5, since each of those free throws by the non-Arenas players are worth half a point. But most of his team has four fouls now, and McRoberts' arm is kind of hanging funny in its socket after that last foul attempt on Arenas as he drove to the rim.
DV: This just goes to really show you the leadership of Coach K.
BG: Arenas sinks the free throw.
DV: These players, they have the winning feeling! They're Dukies, they bleed Duke blue! They've come roaring back! They're down four and a half with plenty of time left to play!
BG: And Cameron is rocking with chants of "LE-BRON JAAAAMES!"
DV: Boy, can you imagine what the world would be like if LeBron had gone to Duke and stayed all four years? He'd be dominant at the college level and well-prepared to succeed in the NBA. That's the way it's supposed to be, baybee!
BG: Arenas deflects the pass, Calvin Smith grabs it and heaves it downcourt to the streaking Arenas, who dribbles backward to make the three as Greg Paulus hacks him on the arm. And that'll be the fifth on Gren Paulus, and he's out of the game.
DV: What great hustle from Greg Paulus, to not give Arenas the uncontested three-pointer after Arenas caught it in the paint! But Coach K didn't teach Paulus to foul there, no sir!
3:21 left, second half
BG: At this point, with Gilbert Arenas needing only 6 more points to reach his goal of 84 against a Duke team that currently has three players on the floor due to fouls, and with Arenas's team up 27 points, I think it's fair to ask, "What did we learn today?"
DV: Brad, I think one thing is clear: There is no God. Unless Coach K is Job, and God is visiting unto him all these punishments.
BG: No, I think it's just Gilbert.
DV: DAMN YOU, ARENAS! DAMN LUTE OLSON FOR RECRUITING YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE! HE DESERVED WHAT HE GOT IN 2001!
DV: Well, let's see if the refs have something to say about the way this game goes in the closing minutes. You never know with these Dukies!
--posted by intern Rex Immensae Majestatis Chapman
To celebrate we have teamed up with legendary Media Assassin AGENT STEINZ of DC SPorts Bog to present first ever totally unsanctioned contest:
Thats right! If you could ask Agent Zero any question at all, what would it be? Answer as many times as you want on the comments board below.
The best questions will be sent to Agent Steinz and he will select one to ask AGENT ZERO himself next time they are together in the Grunfelds steam room!!!
There is no interview in the world as great as an Agent Steinz/Agent Zero interview. Not even when James Lipton posed the Pivot Questionaiire to Margot Kidder was that as good! (JL: 'What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?' MK: 'Probably Red Angel Of Scissors. Or Architect.')
And now you can be what we all dream of: the salty moomintroll talking directly into Stienz's brain!!
Just imagine how u can go down 4ever in Gilbertology lore by teasing the newest nugget out of the phenomenal swag matrix that is Gilberts brain!!!
***Agent Steinz cant guarantee "ask Gilbert contest" so if there is problems we just rename this historic contest:
"ASK JAMES LANG CONTEST! (REALLY ASK HIM AS MANY QUESTIONS AS YOU WANT. ASK HIM TO MAKE YOU BREAKFAST.)"
And to get your Woodward and Bernstein Bear Chaser juices flowing, why not slip into one of our popular AGENT ZERO TSHIRTS at the Mothering hut!. They are now available in new colors including Blingtastic Glitter Inks and also supercool Metallic inks. We love the metallic silver one! The pictures in the store dont do it justice. Imagine a shirt made of shiny sardine skins stapled on to fine bacon resistant cotton... aka THE Romanian IRON-ON!! Free shipping!!! Many more mothering hut fashions to come in the next few days. Hey, Republicans buy bacon too!!!
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
AGNET ZERO BIRTHDAY BASH MEDIA SPECTACULAR!!
CLub Love Entrance
The Iceman COmeth!!
More Iceman! Before the bodyheat melted it into a Kevin Duckworth ice sculpture! Gil not 1st DC baller to have ice sculpture at a party. Mike Ruffin had one made for his 21st and placed live squirrels inside!! So when the ice thawed and released the squirrels, everyone knew THE PARTY WAS OVER!
Agent Zero Goth-Realist Mural
Gilberts black Lamborghini! This car is so sweet it took a restraining order out on KIT from Knight Rider!!!
Agent Zero and charity girls from the Home for Battered Solid Gold Dancers!! Gilbert rocking the two-tone suit! Designed by Thelonius Monk! Pleather=Pain! Gilbert call "FInancial" says "I want Diddy". Gilbert calls "Sartorial" and says, "dress me like HAPPY FEET!"
Gilbert not the only one sporting some black and white! Looks like Busta got to them before he did! COlors of Bennettons "Bruises of the World"
Travis, Lansing MI: Do you like the nickname Agent Zero? What would you choose for yourself?
Gilbert Arenas: Oh yeah, I love Agent Zero. It goes well. It's different. If I had to choose myself, then I have to go with the name I went into the league with. From Batman and Robin, I was the Boy Wonder.
Charles (Toronto, Canada): You said in an interview that your favourite burger place is in toronto, which place in toronto is it? Gilbert Arenas: It was a Ritz-Carlton. It was a hotel burger. I've never actually been out of the hotel in Toronto. They have great burgers.
Which begs follow up question: Gilbert do you carry miniature executive condiment bottles in your travel valet??
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Exclusive Arenas Express Soiree Incites!!
PRELUDE A LA NUIT D'UN INTERNE The invitiation turned up at Wizznutzz Central a couple days before the party. Like a good intern, I swiped it. Strindberg can have his own shindig with a black silk handkerchief and an album of Grieg's Lyric Pieces, I reasoned - this was Rex Immensae Majestatis Chapman's time to step out and shine. Little did I imagine.
I took the bus over from 9th and I, just as the website prescribed, and spent an awkward fifteen minutes trying not to make eye contact with Susan O'Malley, who had already started recruiting for her "G-Wiz Speed Dating" thing. I managed to shake her off as the bus pulled up to Love.
"I never leave home without it," I replied, whipping it out in one smooth motion.
"Congratulations," the bouncer replied. "Being the hundredth person to make that joke tonight allows you to upgrade to another level of security assurance. Please step behind the curtain."
After a half-hour of security-guard mothering, I was walking funny as I stepped into the club to celebrate a quarter-century of the world's most famous Arenas.
CHILLIN IN THE BACK LIKE CALVIN BOOTH The vibe on the first floor was: crowded. Ike Austin and Jahidi White towered over a crowd at the buffet table. Alana Beard towered over a persistent Muggsey Bogues. As I drifted to the bar, Ludacris chatted with Chris Webber about the forward's abortive hip-hop career. "So, as a rapper, you took a timeouuuuut?" Luda cackled. C-Webb looked hurt. (Later I saw him trading twos with Nas for a brief while. "Truly, hip-hop is dead," Nas muttered as he strolled to the bathroom. "Cop the album.")
The bartender rebuffed my vodka-and-tonic order: "Naw, man. All we got tonight is Giltinis. Tequila, PowerAde and a splash of cranberry." I drank it down, swore, and got in line for the buffet.
Two hours and one plate of lukewarm sweet potatoes later, I drained another Giltini and headed up to the second floor, where the stage was set up. T.I. was being introduced by Diddy, our host for the evening. "Big up to Biggie Smalls," Diddy shouted into his mic, as the spotlight wandered off T.I. "Every beat I jack, I jack for you! R.I.P., playa!"
An audience of scantily clad women and tall men nodded appreciatively or continued their conversations. I think I saw Michelle Tafoya trying to get Bambale Osby's number. Rod Strickland worked game on some women toting trays of hors d'oeuvres in the back of the room. Christian Laettner was leaning close to the Reliable Source, trying to shove some pamphlets in her purse while his hands attempted to wander. Alex Ovechkin and his girl tried to dance a little.
Eventually T.I. managed to wrest the mic from Sean Combs. I had a third and fourth Giltini, served to me by (I think) LaBradford Smith. The synths of "What You Know" rolled mighty like a river across the room, with occasion-appropriate lyrics over top:
What you know about Gil I know all about Gil
Gil, shrinking as much as a man of his size can, came onto the stage to accept the accolades.
CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES C'MON As the song ended, a birthday cake began descending slowly from the ceiling, in the shape of a "0" and twenty feet in diameter. People ran to get out from underneath while men in Arenas masks and G-Wiz-style blue spandex swarmed the cake with spatulas, plates and napkins, cubing and serving it almost as it fell. A replica of the ring of advertising at the base of the Verizon Center's upper deck lit up with revolving chaos-theory paisley blobs, running at top speed around the room and chasing instructions to "Wish Gilbert a Happy Birthday."
Everyone who had been on the first floor had now crowded into the second. Strickland was forcing his way towards the cake, with Kevin Duckworth in tow. Agent Zero somehow emerged in the center of the cake and got a giant piece. He held it up for us to see. It was chocolate with chocolate frosting. After downing the whole thing in three giant mouthfuls, he threw the empty plate 35 feet towards the corner of the room, where it crashed into a trash can. "Swag!" Gil yelled, and the crowd exploded.
Diddy held up a finger that cued a massive organ note. The ring of advertising suddenly showed the lyrics to "Happy Birthday," and we all sang as best we could. "I though I told you that we don't stop!" Diddy proclaimed when we were done. "Unh. Unh. Bad Boy. Unh. Yeah. Come with me. You can hate Gil now, but Gil won't stop now. Me either. Unh." On stage, The Game tapped his foot impatiently.
The Gil-masked, spandexed waiters were remarkably efficient and somehow managed to get a piece of cake and a glass of champagne in everyone's hands. The cake was good. A little too good. Clinton Portis spent the next fifteen minutes going around to various thin women telling them there was no way they'd want to ruin their figures by eating cake like this, so give it to him.
I didn't react quite so positively, suddenly becoming very afraid of the ring of advertising, which now showed an animation of Gil riding Bambi through a forest. I sidled towards the nearest stairs I could find, using Peter John Ramos' dirigible-like head as a beacon. As I left, Gil was gathering plates from the guests and using them to make even more ludicrous shots into the trash can. Everything was going in, just like it had been earlier that night.
STRANGE BUT APPETIZING INTERLUDE Midway between the third and fourth floor on the security staircase, a hand tugged on my sleeve. "Would you like to come into the VIP room?" a honeyed female voice said. Nodding reflexively, I was yanked into a yard-high hole in the wall, which led to a chute that in turn led to a pillow-covered floor. Thankfully, it was a soft landing.
In the center of the room was a massive rotating sculpture of Arenas's head, a luminous ovoid on which his features were rendered using strips of bacon that had been cooked just to the point where the fat becomes translucent. Two men in monk's cowls replaced individual strips when they began to slip off or turn brown. Tyra Banks sat on a nearby ottoman, staring blankly at the structure. "How does Gilbert glow?" she said in a dazed tone. "How does Gilbert glow? How does Gilbert glow. How does Gilbert glow."
The walls shimmered, reflecting the light of the Gilsphere. It was tough to tell whether there was anyone else in the room.
Awvee Storey emerged from the shadows and sauntered over, wearing a smoking jacket and brown leather sandals. "Welcome to the VIP room," he said. "Bacon?" He pulled off a strip and proffered it.
"It's not done," I said.
"Nothing ever is," he replied. "Nothing ever is." He then scooped a handful of bacon off the sculpture and shoved it all in his mouth, chewing ferally. The monks assiduously replaced the strips, looking at the floor the whole time.
"Which VIP room is this?" I asked.
"All will become clear later," he said, and wandered into a dark corner.
I suddenly saw a tray of pills to my right. I looked up to see Connie Unseld holding the tray. "Take one," she said. It was the same honeyed voice I'd heard in the stairwell. The pills were labeled "Hibachi" and "Quality Shots".
"One pill makes you hot," she said, her fixed smile and even voice betraying no emotion whatsoever. "One pill makes you small."
It didn't seem like a good idea to disobey her, though I spent a moment thinking about whether I could. I couldn't spot the aperture through which I had entered the room. The tray didn't waver. Her smile didn't either. I took the "Quality Shots" pill and gulped it down.
"An excellent choice," Connie said. Then her lower body seemed to dissolve, and she floated up to the ceiling, and then away. The light from the Gilsphere became brighter until it flooded the room.
CODA The next thing I remember is being poked in the ribs with a broom handle. "You! New noodle boy! Make the noodles!" I was on a kitchen floor. It turned out I was in Chinatown Express on 6th Street - apparently I had been promised to do a day of indentured servitude. Also, I was wearing a potato sack. This was disorienting, but I snuck out an hour later and took the 70 bus back to Wizznutzz HQ, from which I write this.
Overall, it was definitely the second-best party I've been to as a Wizznutzz intern, right next to Ledell Eackles' going-away party at Cluck-U. Those scars will never heal. Anyway: Happy 25, Agent Zero!
--posted by intern Rex Immensae Majestatis Chapman
Meanwhile Agent Bog continues to nobely defend Wizznutzz claim to "Agent Zero"! If we were going into foxhole with someone to watch our backs it would be Agent Bog. Actually it would be Laura Govan's legal team, then Agent Bog second. But if not for Steniz, Agent 0 takeover would never even be! We were just the seed! Steniz, you were the penis!
And now Agent Zero is dropping... 1 MILLION DOLLARS on his birthday bash!
Did Gils NBA per diem go up? "Financial" must have spat out the pruno when they heard that request! But i think its another great TAkeover masterstroke. U gotta spend money to make money. Having top-shelf party in DC where idea of celebrity sighting is Ruth Ginsberg sleeping at Old Ebbit Grill is a genius PR move. It will mean more magazine covers, more All Star votes from fans, and thus more endorsement green and more contract leverage!
Still... a MILLION DOLLARS! What does a man get for his brithday for a million dollars??? Wizznutzz got hold of secret party-planning files and we have inside info on what that Million dollars buys!:
--Well for one you get party hosted by P Diddy. U get MOGUL STYLE. Not like Tracey Murrays BDay bash last year. he wanted to cut corners and had his hosted by 'Society of Young Asian-Americans'. YOU THINK THAT PARTY MADE THE PAPERS?. Gilbert was there. CHECK OUT THE PICTURES!!! You can see from look on his face that Gilbert learned from that mistake.
--SPECIAL BLACK AMEX invites
These are very XClusive. Bouncers will be checking out for counterfeits, especially the following:
Gilbert is on top of the world right now, everyhting is going his way, he has the midas touch... but we wizznutzz have this sinking feeling its all going to unravel one day soon at the hands of AWVEE STOREY and come crashing down. Awvee has a part to play in this still! Awvee is not just embarrassing like Billy Carter, hes a liability, he's Fredo in Godfather - no - he's like Sean Penn's character in Falcon And the Snowman, who blows the whole gig for Tim Hutton because of his sloppy volatile wheeling dealing wayzz!!! BEware the Ides of Awvee , agent Zero!!!
--TWO VIP ROOMS! We know gilbert doesnt socialize much. He doesnt even have a family except his dad and his Dad will be spending the whole night trying to impress his date Glenn Frey.. SO Gilbert will protect himself through double VIP rooms. The first VIP room will be an exact replica of the oval office and he will instruct security to bar himself entry to it, so he will be snubbed and extra motivated at his party!!. then he will retire to his second VIP room, a low-altitude VIP room, by himself, where he will monitor whole party from giant TV monitors and pretend he is controlling it all like its a giant game of SIMS SUPERSTAR!!
--IN THE PARKING LOT: A COMPLETE LIFE SIZE BAMBI NATIVITY SCENE will be constructed using live deer!
--GUESTS WILL DINE AT TABLES... made from imported japanese elm!! with inlaid hibachi grills!
--LAVISH MEAL will include: -black truffle and fois gras half smokes -french dressing imported from Languedoc -gold label capri sun -fine austrian pastries, dusted with talcum powder
--Hip Hip luminaries can take advantage of PIT BULL DAYCARE !!! that Qyntel Woods will be running out back.
--All guests will receive Sikorski Crystal-encrusted Moomintrolls!!!!
--British "it" artist Damien Hirst commissioned to create massive provocative sculptural formaldehyde and glass centerpiece called: "STOUT BITCH"
--ALL STAR HOUSE BAND: "THE 2 MUCH DRAMAS" featuring Chico DeBarge, Nils Lofgren and C Webb together on stage for first and final time!
--PIN THE TAIL ON THE DONKEY with real argentinian mules!
--AND TONS OF CELEBRITY CAMEOS:
-Susan OMalley will be running "speed dating" in the lounge! -'Sweet Ambassador" Gheorge Muresan will be working the room as a cigarette girl, handing out his mixed lollies! -Representatives from CHristian Laettners Divine Church of Machosensual Sciences will have a booth where guests can be scanned with 'V-METER(tm)' to test for VANGLORIAN LEVELS and then recommended a course of grooming products to help them reach 'CLEAR' status -Special Celebrity Mens Room Attendant: DAMON JONES!
Make sure to Check back this weekend:
Daily Bacon veteran Rex Immensae Majestatis Chapman will have full party coverage!!!
Did u see poor CHarlie Bell try and defend.. C Bell couldnt have been more disrespected if his wife got pregnant, then died in childbirth, then doctor comes and tells him paternity test shows father is a bogeyman from Cuban Folklore called: "El Jambomba!" (The BaconMan!)
Cut Jarvis??!!! Dont hate the constable!! (hes not even allowed to carry gunzz!)
WHERE IS BUFFY? Wizz cheerleader goes missing! Where is she? Did you try the place where all former wizz dancers end up? Thats right, OTOWN: The Charles Oakley Carwash! "He Bathe Me" (TM)
And as u know Agent 0 goodnightmoonlights as a pro HALO team GM and had to do recently hardest thing for a GM to do: cut a player!!! Ryan 'Saiyan' Danford got short straw cuz word is he was Rod Strickland of HALO: old and uncommitted with a weak stomach. He only plays 17 hours a day!! DREAMER! Still its the unkindest cut. Actually unkindest cut is when Salieri circumcized Kwame Brown on draft night but this is second unkindest cut!
The locals were thrilled to see their heros! Some of the locals werent so thrilled!! A few of them remember the charity bus from 1999 and yelled
"YO is STRICKLAND ON THAT BUS???!!!? I got a present for Strickland right here!"
This is best time of year for Wizards franchise. In offseason Abe tells braintrust: get me a charity army! Thats why the Ike Austin trade. Thats why James Lang so confused after preseason tryout when he is asked to stay after practice and carve meats!
Some hi-lites of Awesome story:
1. The are "lots of kids roaming around with "Agent 0" t-shirts"
Cheap counterfeit Agent 0 Tees are like the new Camel-cash clothing for poor people fashion!!! Soon Angelina Jolie be throwing them off the van by the crate in MUMBAI!
2. "Antawn had two kids in his arms outside the apartment, and Abe Pollin was chatting with Kisha..."
"Santa chased Michael Ruffin's three-year-old son Javon around the yard. "C'mere you little Ruffian"
When ABe Pollin aka Mister Drummond and his henchman Wes Unseld aka "SANTA funnyHANDS" come to the ghetto the kids know to run! run run run! They know the sack is soon to follow. They call Abe and Wes "The Gobblers" cuz when they roll by kids "getting scholarships" aka disappearing for good!!!
3. "Look, he a monster," one kid said about G-Wiz. "No he's not," a woman said.
"Yes I am," said GWiz quietly
4.Best of ALL!!!!
"When the Wizards fans saw someone else; "Darvin Ham!" someone said!!!! "Wait, did someone just say Darvin Ham?" I asked. They were pointing at Michael Ruffin. His arms were filled with presents. I was trying to stop laughing. I asked if he's gotten that before. "What, Darvin Ham?" he said. "Yeah. Yup." "Why don't you tell them who you are?" I asked. "They'll figure it out sooner or later," he said. "Who keeps talking about Darvin Ham?" I asked the fans. "That's my man!" one fan said. "You played for Duke, didn't you?" he asked Ruffin. "I'm not Darvin Ham," Ruff said.
HAHAHAHAHA ITs easy to remember kids:
Ruffin is the big hearted, undersized bench man who is a dreadfully afriad of squirrels
It's a baby boom for the Washington Wizards. Three of the team's women-behind-the-men are currently great with child: Antawn Jamison 's wife, Ione; Gilbert Arenas 's girlfriend, Laura Govan; and assistant general manager Milt Newton's wife, Shalaun....
On Friday, the three were celebrated in fabulous NBA-wife style with a lavish baby shower thrown by Charrisse Jackson Jordan (wife of Coach Eddie Jordan) and Keisha Booth (wife of center Calvin Booth) at the Jordans' Potomac home.
(Tho Keisha Booth was just their for support. She found out she cant have children ever since the Doctors sat her down and told her:
"Your husband is in fact a giant wooden cigar-store indian, Mrs Booth.")
Also at the babymama shower there were Laura Govans legal team: "Rothchild, Waterman, and Hibachi"!!!!
Lots of formewr players sent presents to the ladies:
Rod Strickland sent in giftwrapped baby vienna sausgaes...
Sister Christian Laetner send it some Kiehls groomning products on behalf of the Church of Machosensual Sciences...
Brevin Knight passed out Bellini gift certficiates...
And Brendan Haywoods girlfriend gave each mom-to-be some fancy pink, silk lingerie but OMG so embarrassed when Ione Jamison squealed cuz she noticed brown marks on hers and horrified Countess Von Skidmarck screamed "BREEEENNNDAN!!!!"
Also Susan O'Malley showed up "pregnant" . Her belly wasnt real (her blouse was stuffed with Mitch Richmond bobbleheads) but her tears were, and her runningmakep gathered on her cheeks like dew in the cold mornings of ambition. "IM a Mommy Too!!!!" she cried and the girls took pity on her and gave her a bathrobe and a double scotch.
The the girls too a break from the japes:
They did, however, take a moment to pay tribute to those who made it all possible -- flipping on the TV to watch their men stun the 76ers, 113-98. "They would all cheer, 'That's my baby! That's my boo!' " one lucky guest told us. "Then they clicked it off and went back to partying."
If Keisha Booth was yelling those things it must have been a 20-second timeout!!!
Then they opened the rest of the presents. When Laura Govan opened a gift from Coache's wife, it was an adorable little toddler bumble-bee costume!!! AWWWWW so cute! yelled the girls but laura shook her head
"Gilberts not gonna let me bring this in the house. These kind of baby animal suits freak him out. You should see him. he chases Izela Semaya around the house sometimes yelling 'Im Anne Geddes! Im Anne Geddes! Anne Geddes gonna getcha!' til the poor thing is screaming. Gilbert had it tough growing up you see. When he was younger, he remember being forced into a little panda suit. Jahidi White need 4 guys to help hold him down while they did it on the back of the team bus. hes never forgotten that."
The big question going around wizznutzz HQ these days is:
What will Agent 0 call his new baby???
Word is Laura chose "Izela" and deal is Gil gets to name #2. On top of his list right now:
For a boy: GOEMON! and if its a girl; Princess Toadstool!!
Hope on the comments and give Gil some suggestions!
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
SO a normal quiet day at the offices yesterday. Strindberg dropped by and modelled 4 us the vintage Ocean Pacific courderoy shorts he just got on eBay. It was very Magnum PI in an end of the world sort of way! Then suddnely a fax comes over late last night and HOLY JEFF MALONEY if it isnt signed by exiled former intern CHENIERS GHOST!!! Why "former intern"?? well where to begin. First he had lazy incites, second he started to Tell Ken that he didnt have to live life curled in a mothering hut in the stock room of a circuit city and that kind of talk only gives Ken a "loose mind" and makes his fragile identity that we built up throiugh ruthless discipline fall apart like warm Kraut tumbles to the cold concourse bitumen from an executive frank! Then we find out Cheniers Ghost is working for Holocaust Museum whoich is fine till we find out the museum is in his basement! And finally, he gives secret evidence for prosecution in Mace Webber trial and thats the last straw, and we say "Cheniers Ghost, turn in your beard!" but he doesnt and runs out into the wheaton plaza parking lot aka "exile". Its like regular workplace politics, you know how it is right??
Anyway, the we read the FAX and it explodes our minds, and here it is for you as it was for us:
"Gang, I know I have no right to be contacting you in this way. You always treated me great and I think sometimez i dont derserve this old special beard I keep in my pocket . But let me say I had to run to find out myself who I am and I keep this beard to remind me that maybe one day I can hope to redeem myself for you once again. Well I have done something extreme that I hope will make you proud and maybe start to build a bridge to walk back to you a man, a bridge made of bacon and trust.
You will be reading tomoorow in DC SPorts Bog and Withleather.com about last night and the historic launch of the new GIL ZEROs in New York and about a "rogue intern" and some of it is truths and some of it is more assembled lies that a Jim Lynam resume. I wanted to send this out to tell you my story, to tell you WHAT REALLY HAPPENED LAST NIGHT that washington post editors wont allow.
SO yesterday morning i read that Gils gonna be in NBA store in NYC and I go down to Chitown and buy a roll of toilet paper and grab me a $10 one-way ride on the SARS Xpress. When i get in I am met by Matt from Withleather blog and Agent Steinz. Steinz and I laugh because we are both wearing XXL Rasheed Wallace Bullets jerseys but he also has pants. We are all hungry after the trip so Steinz says he heard a rumor at the paper that because new york just announced ban on Trans Fats that Outback Steakhouse flagship store in NYC has to go thorugh 3 years supply of cooking oils by next spring and so bloomin onions are going 5 for a buck! and not only that but now everything on the menu is "bloomin" now they even have Bloomin Pumpkins! But this turns out not true, so I say to guys, followe me to an old friend! and i take them to 51st and West 9th where Tyrone Nesby is still running his popular hot dog cart!TNez gives us free dogs and we get to talking and when he hears we are going to see Agent zero he gets excited and says "Man the TAKEOVER! Man thats cool. Wish Gil well on the Takeover. I'm down with all that. He can takeover everything, serious. The whole world, but tell him to leave Vilnius for me HAHAH. No seriously, if comes and tries to take over VTown its gonna be a dog fight. Gils gonna have a damn Boer War on his hands."
And then TNes starts freestylin Rakim's "New York New York" in Lithuanian and we roll away still warm with the meats of male companiosnhip.
We still have some time to kill. What should we do now says Steniz? Matt says he always wanted to do the "Real Kramer Tour" taking that bus to all the Seinfeld places, but Steniz says no ones seen the real Kramer since his bus was attacked last week by a the "Real Van Cortlandt Rangers" in SoBro. So Matt says "You want a Kramer tour Ill give you a Kramer tour" and starts droppin N-Bombs on the F Train.
When we stopped running we get thirsty and go to a joint I know called the 'Variety Cafe' where the owners always lets me drink Bud tall tinnies at the table long as they got the red PAID sticker on em. Suddenly Steinz cellfone starts ringing and his eyes bug out cuz the ring tone is Whodini's "Friends" which means AGENT ZERO himslef is on the line!!! Agent Steinz asks us "Quick what are some questions I can ask Gil" and there are so many great questiuons to ask Zero like:
"Have you ever wrestled Susan OMalley?" or
"If Clark Kent works at Daily Planet, and Peter parker works at Daily Bugle, does Agent 0's alter ego work at the City Paper?" or
"Is a dogs soul really shaped like a sausage?"
but with Steinz there on the curb outside Variety my mind goes blinkity blank.!
After Steniz is off the phone and we are hifiving and goosesteppin down 5th ave like Laverne and 2 Shirleys and Im like "OK its almost 6 lets get to the NBA store and stake out a spot" and the guys are like "cool" but then Matts like "I gotta break a dollar, lets go into Playland porn palace real quick" and thats cool with me , Steinz and I figure we can look to see if we can catch MJ abusing some dominican whorez. But no Salieri in site, so while Matts with the change dude, Im like Hey Steinz lets go in this thing called a 'Buddy Booth' and hes like Cool that sounds like a place for two pals to chill out and wait for a buddy, so we go in separate doors and its dark and then next thing I know this wall slides up and I see a sight that would even bring tears to the eyes of "Virgin pete" Ramos!!!! It was like being in the mothering hut again, but being in the mothering hut with Harvey Keitel!!!
Finally we get over to the NBA store. We got some time to kill so Im checking out the gear and the joint is filled with torists and muscle and the security dudes start hassling me. It turns out they have this policy at NBA store:
"You try on Richard jefferson fleece warmups, you put block of cream cheese in pocket of the warmups, you pay."
They got Gil Zero stuff all over and theres a crowd and I slip on my fake beard and try and act cool cuz NBA store has me on a blacklist from the time Rod Strickland was autographing and I presented him with a authentic 1977 Phil Chenier half-smoke to sign in mustard. How wuz I to know he would eat it and retard his insides 4 life???
Steinz had media credenmtials, but turns out they wont accpet Cap Centre "Budweisr Superfest" credentials at NBA store, so only Steniz gets right up close to agent zero. He told us later gil smelled like "sweet creation". I snapped some pics of Steniz sniffing zero:
I got in thee autohgraph line with my cheeseboot and a guy says "you cant have that cheeseboot signed son, you have to buy something adidas" so I drop 90 black presidents on some size 14 Zeros and Im waiting in line, and im getting closer and closer to Gil! And i start getting real nervous... I have so many things I want to say to him, like "why are your kicks low tops Gil, did adidas run out of posssum?" And what should I get him to write? I want it to be perfect, I want my meeting with Gil to be something spoecial. I didnt want to go Free Darko and regret it later. I want to do something spectacular. SO I think back to you guys. I think this is my chance to redeem myself, to earn back my beard! I think "WHAT WOULD THE WIZZNUTZZ DO???!!!! And then i think of Borat. Cause I know the wizznutzz love Borat. Fermented horsse urine, naked man wrestling, child prostitution? Damn thats just the first sentence of basic wizznutzz Steve Blake post. And then I think of the sack I have in my backpack. The sack I carry with me in case I ever find Salieri i can cut off his head and bring it back to DC to display as a warning to greedy drifters to stay away. I would take Salieris head and put it on a tall stick someplace on the beltway or the potomac. Maybe at the Newseum.
And then I see what I have to do ...
and that I have to do it NOW ...
and I rush forward...
WE R BURSTING WITH PRIDE When u r out of jail COME HOME CHENIERS GHOST, COME HOME!!
Read Agent Steniz and Withleathers censored accounts of last night:
Saturday, December 02, 2006
WizzNutzz Exclusive!!! That means hands off, SCOOPJACKSON!!!
The Takeover continues!! Gilbert Arenas now in talks with legendary French film company PATHE to make a film!!!
The movie is based on the life of a basketball player who suffers from REM Behavior Disorder and spends his nights acting as secret agent who enters the video game world of Halo II to fight the supervillian organization the Covenant, which is trying to break out of the fourth dimension by sacrificing Mario, Luigi, Banjo and Kazooie, whose mixture of Italian and anthromoporphic blood will open a portal to modern-day Earth, allowing their leader, Brute Chieftain Tartartus, to rule the planet!!!
(Little known fact: This is the same way Isiah Thomas took over the New York Knicks organization!!! Zeke was dating Princess Toadstool, and during one particularly violent evening he jumped on her head and she exploded into a million gold coins, one of which was the key to a secret vault in Madison Square Garden, where Isiah found a stash of compromising nude photos of King Bowser Koopa -- a.k.a. James Dolan! MYSTERY SOLVED!!!!)
When Agent Zero enters Haloworld, he's joined by his trusty though diarrhetic sidekick, Agent Moomintroll, a Finnish mercenary whose main superpower comes from the tail that he holds in his paws and rubs and rubs and rubs until a white, salty, bacon-scented liquid squirts out, rendering his victims incapacitated and thoroughly disgusted!!!
But Brute Chieftain Tartartus is a smart monster, and he knows Gilbert's alter ego is Agent Zero thanks to the 20,000 counterfeit T-shirts that have made their way into the market!!!! But Gilbert is always one step ahead because he never sleeps, so he's already come up with a different secret identity: AGENT HIBACHI!!! Unfortunately, he told WashTimes about new nickname, and Tartartus just so happens to be one of the paper's 27 subscribers!!!! So Tartarus used a needlepoint sketch artist and came up with this illustration of what Agent Hibachi might look like:
Slap me with a moist gameworn!!!! That thing's practically a Chuck Close!!!!
We can't wait to see how Agent Zero Hibachi's secret-agent movie pans out. Maybe it can be a double feature at the drive-in withWho Shot Mamba?
Meanwhile, a happy 83rd birthday to Abraham Lincoln Pollin (shown in center, with Rod Grizzard and some other dudes.)
The Very Reverand Rabbi Abe Pollin is owner of the Bullets, and he's also D.C.'s No. 1 philanthropist, the former star of Different Strokes, current star of Harry Potter, chief investor in the Wes Unseld Invitro Farm, and inventor of the wrongly maligned mascot named Basket. Many happy returns, Mr. P!
(A nice change it is too for all these years the broadcast controlled us! Whenever we did take one look into big blank stares of Phil Chenier and hear his hypnospeak and next u know, we are in the office with blisters on hands and the mysterious 7-ft pile of mulch on the floor.)
But now the clowns have become the ringmasters and we are the puppetmasters!! and realize our long dream of having our arms way up the backside of Steve Buckhantz putting our own things in his puppet mouth! He is like Senor Wences but with a weaker chin!
Look, we know we have showed great influence on Wizards community before:
like when when we got Mace Webber freed
or when we get Civil Union legislation to include Mascot provisions:
or when we get Christopher Hitchens to drive Duckwagon on edutainment charity stops (i know u say it was "community service" but edutainment is edutainment son)
and sometimes were even a bit underhanded like when we got word of fight between CHico DeBarge and Rod Strickland and we got examiners office to change official explanation of Rod's badly bruised buttocks to "slipped in shower" (NOT SAFE FOR WORK!)
But even with all these this new power is most intoxicating, we feel higher than SkyDog!!!!!!!
The takeover is going so fast we have to catch our breath, and then we call emergency meeting of our takeover team and we gather "Financial""Legal" and "Penal" and they tell us to hold our mules because this is 2-edged sword and the takeover is at a delicate stage right now, "like a half-smoke balancing on a razor's edge" Penal says to us.
They say that when Gilbert went all Robin Hood with the TSHirts that he did 2 things:
he gave major boost to BRAND profile but at same time by flooding market with 20,000 free cheaply made Agent Zero Tees he dramatically undermined the brands commercial futures!!!
aka NO HONEYMOON IN HAITI THIS YEAR, NO BIG BITE OF THE MONTH CLUBZ, AND SORRY GARBOT 2000, NO TICKLE ME ELMO EXTREME, shaved or no shaved!!!!!!!!
But we are calm bcuz this isnt the first time WIzznutzz hjave had to deal with severe product oversuppliez.
In 1998 world cheered when we introduced a Boot That Makes Cheese and soon we get email from a man called "Qusay" who says he represent a foreign governemtn and is excited to spend 10 million of humantiarian aid on buying Ike Austin cheeseboots for every sinlge one of his countrys people so they may all have dignity and breakfast. He was very friendly and we were excited to see dream of solving world hunger through our podiatric miracle "one step at a time(TM)". Qusay told us he is definitely good for the money and of course we trust him because his IM name is "CourtneyalexanderManskillz27"!!!! OMG right!!
SO we fill order and next thing we know ew get visit from man called UDAY who says he is brother of Qusay (but is not nearlky so nice as his brother) and UDay says to us "I belive that my brother made an arrangement with you that he did not have an authority to make. When he tells me of plan to "squish curds under our heels for good" there is a misunderstanding. There will be no order for the boots and there will be no money for you. Is that a mothering hut? Very nice. I have the new model. The interior - very terrifying."
SO now we have 40,000 Ike Austin CHeeseBoots in warehouse with no home. How do you get rid of such things? Then we remember man we meet in ladies bar in Tiajuana, and Australian man called "Vince" who says he disposes of things. He was very aggravated for an aussie, like a young disturbed Lindsey Gaze, and said he was a boat Captain and showed us steely eyes and steelier hand gun. SO we call Vince and he says "no worries you blokes pay me and Ill take the cheesboots off your hands".
Next thing we know: dead bottlenose dolphins washing up all over the place with noses stuck in waterlogged cheeseboots!!!!
they say conatiner of boots "accidentally" fell overboard and next thing we know girls from PETA are throwing raw CHUM at Ike Austin during complete package spokesperson appearance at The Donyell Marshall Autism Benefit Golf Game (Slogan: "Hey guys, I damn told you I dont have autism! (TM)")
But its all good. Because We love Gil. Hes our goddamed Hero!!!
We been here a long long time and seen alot a things. We were here for Brevin Knights first steps and Steve Blakes first (forced) kiss and we were here for Llorenzo Williams last steps. Losing years on years makes you feel like the dumbest soldier in the the bunker when everyone else is running out but they told you to stay and wait to pay the Atari repair man, and when that bunker is the Cap Centre and your dreams get blown up and then from the ashes rises a new baby bird of hope and hes in the nest with you and you watch him get strong and when its time to fly he jumps out of the nest you yell: "FLy ! Fly! Remember to always fly high and dont trust the squirrels!"
and he turns to you as he wobbles brilliantly over the hedge and he yelled
"BUT WHO AM I??"
"You are AGENT ZERO and you are a mighty sparrow!!!!"
And then he is gone. ANd We cant follow. We will never leave this nest. Not even though we know the ground down below holds in it the bacon that wriggles. Butr we always will be by your side , even if no one notices us. Like Philip Bailey next to Phil Collins because
Yeah, Zero is a wonderful thing. In fact, Zero is my hero!
How can Zero be a hero?
Well, there are all kinds of heroes, you know. A man can get to be a hero For a famous battle he fought... Or by studying very hard And becoming a weightless astronaut.
And then there are heroes of other sorts, Like the heroes we know from watching sports. But a hero doesn't have to be a grown up person, you know, A hero can be a very big dog Who comes to your rescue, Or a very little boy who's smart enough to know what to do.
Meanwhile, we are trying to think what to do with 20,000 Agent 0 shirts!! We could ball em up and stick in the high school fence to spell stuff, or we can use to strain pruno, or to muffle cries, or to make fake teen preganancy baby for panhandling, or to wipe deer blood out of Duckwagon upholstry.
Hop on the comments and tell us what u r doing with your Shirt!
Monday, November 20, 2006
HOLY TROUBLE WITH TRIBBLES!!! >UPDATED VERSION!!!! >>BACKBREAKER EDITION!!!
First honorary intern Unsilent Majority has brill idea to have his Chinese peasant farm stop making low grade polypropelene G-Wiz costumes for one day in order to make da real bossman a personalized hoodie with AGENT ZERO declaration!!! Nice 1/2 megapixel photo, Unsi!!
Then during Saturday night's blowout win (aka The Night Cleveland's Shannon Brown Drove Ol' Dixie Hayes Down, Till the Bells Were Ringing), we couldn't believe our eyes: AGENT ZERO t-shirts were everywhere!! Or at least on pasty white people!!!! The Takeover has done taken us over!!!!
What in the name of Abe Pollin's prostrate is going on here?!?!?! DIdn't Verizon Centre check with David Patton office before printing up copyright infringements for all the world to see?!?! WizzNutzz trademarked that name in a late night, under the table deal with Gilbert at City Place Mall video arcade, sealed by a cutting session and bleeding all over Silver Spring Astroturf Park. Granted, Ken was already at park lacerating himself with no knowledge of Gentleman's Deal between Gil and WizzNutzz primaries -- "I think the new name is Agent Zero. Oh that's hot. Whoever made that 'Agent Zero' up gets a percentage" -- but a bloody deal's a bloody deal, even if Ken's haemoglobin levels are so low that his blood is more a muddy chartreuse than crimson red!!!
Can somebody who went to the game explain this outrage? Our lawyer, Lionel Hutz, is standing by!!!!
Meanwhile, our sincere best wishes go out to the good Constable Hayes, whose annual RITE OF FALL was just that tonight.
It was a scary sight to see you lying there, and then taken out on stretcher -- and yes, we saw you wipe away tears. To answer your question, "If I started crying, would you start crying?" Yes, Jarvis, yes. In fact, Ken was crying well before the game even began because his cilice belt had slipped into his crotch (again).
Lying there, you must have felt like a piece of the past was caught in your throat -- and then you choked. But here, it's more than love, it's less than love -- it's what the WizzNutzz give to you: moisture, good touches, bacon.
It's been a tough two years for the Wizard's finest officer of the law. He's been caught in time so far away from where our hearts and cracked knees really wanted to be, and he's reaching out to find a way to get back to where he'd been. But oh, if summer left him dry, with nothing left to try, this time.... Jarvis, we have learned sometimes a need can run too deep, and we throw away the things we most wanted to keep, and inside we lie over and over again... If you don't know, you'd better learn to believe us when we say we're going to build a wall around this town, around these hearts and hands -- and you shall heal.
Be well, Constable, be well.
Update:Jar Jar released from hospital, bruised butt healing with help of Dana's magic balm: 1 leaf of aloe plant, 1 can of bacon puree, 1/2 cut of spit, 1/2 cup of "secret sauce."
Its a big, ambitious, stunning, emotionally compelling incite supreme. The prose is turgid, even pliant. The tone is nuanceful. Even Tom Knott would have to lift his bloated face out of the bowl of soup and exclaim "Mike Wise can write like a possum baptising a thesaurus!"
Its a moving story about the bravery of a young Reagan-era crack baby who rose to the top with self-determination and the love of a father and its also the story of as young woman broken by addiction and regret. These arent the kind of things the wizznutzz make japes about. Ok well i guess we do, but when you think about your own mom doing "snow" or someother drug with a spooky 80s name and not being there for you well it just hangs in our guts like last weeks pom noisettes.
But are are some lighter moments to be found in the piece.
-We find Gilberts Dad was know by the soap set as "GIL THE THRILL"!!
-Gil was at the birth of his daughter! It wasnt a tom cruise scientology "Silent brith" but Gil did put his Halo game on mute!
-We finally meet "The Others", Gilberts mom of course and also his babys mama whose part Hawaiin and part litigious, and Gils Cuban cigar-rolling greatgrandpa called "Hippolito" which means Little Hippo, and Gilberts crazy Half-brother "BLUE" who wants to be a detective. A steel handgun in your jean-shorts pocket does not a Tubbs make. Keep an eye on Blue. Seriously.
-Gilbert spent last year ducking and weaving to avoid his girlfriends lawyers and the organization went ALL IN to protect him including recalling Gheorge Muresan to act as a suit spotter and giving Donnell Taylor a roster spot just so he could act like a Saddam Hussein style body double. Now I understand whay happened in the playoffs last year when Lebron slapped his hand on gilberts chest and gil blew the free throws he can normally make eyes wide shut. He missed em cuz he thought he was being served!!!
Like a dozen canadian burgers, its alot to swallow.
And we have already waited too long to comment on the Gilbert Arena ESquire article for some days. We just were not ready. You dont go into the Mothering Hut until you have burned your family photos and taken salt tablets. But now we are. Like Mike Wise looked into Agent 0's heart, we have looked into his mind. Everyones saying oh Gilberts plain crazy, hes HALO's Howard Hughes, but as wizards trainer and alternative healer Steve Stricker revelaed last year, Gilbert is an Indigo child, a WAYSHOWER and to understand his ways takes time and takes professionals, so we consulted mental professionals called "Analists"
"Oh I kow what an Analist is you say, thats like Tim Legler is a TNT Analist!!!! " Yes maybe thats true but thats one kind of Analist. TLegzz is an Analist for sure!!. But Tleggz is also an orange and chino noise shark and he must use circular breathing and greenies to make nonstop noise for if he stops is his fear that he shall be forever silent. He is the anal wind floating in a bubble on the bathwater of Cable pre-gamezzz. TLegzz analisis is a relentless mating call into the void. Who is the mating call for I dont know and i dont want to know but I know that whatever it is it probably had 7-elevens Big Bites for lunch.
But the analists I am talking about are called "Psychoanalists" and follow from a man called Sigmund Freud.
WHo in Great Grevey's Ghost is Sigmund Freud?
Well hes only the father of psychoanalyisis which means he talked to his own penis ands his penis told him of the mysteries of mans desires. And he was the first ever "MILF Hunter"!!!
SO we talked to PsychoanalistsTM and they helped us break into the brain of Gilbert Arenas and when we got inside gilbert had left out a plate of canadian hamburgers and vitamin water for us because gilbert himself says "IM NOT QUIRKY!" and to prove it he handed out "No Quirks" necklaces made of Alphabits cereal at his weekly puppet show.
This is what we found:
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He wants nothing more than the familiarity of running the stairs in his home arena--the skit-skit-skit of his feet on the cement treads, the bass line of his own breathing, the deep ache of muscles tested once more-until the hours have passed. He doesn't care what the clock says.
This means he wants to succeed so much and overcome his snubs that he is just trying too hard. He wants always to be better, so he trains and trains and doesnt even sleep and plots The Takeover and he is an insomniac and he even trains his dogs too hard because he suffers also from Hyperintention By Canine Proxy
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He is simply dealing with time. There is so much of it in the NBA. It's the thing that surprised him the most when he came into the league. There's practice at 1:00, there's a game at night, and that's it. Even though it's late, there are so many hours left to fill until he will find sleep on the couch in his bedroom that night.
The subject has a five-and-a-half-foot-tall safe in his basement full of jerseys of great NBA players past and present. They're all signed, too. Each of them is in a plastic bag, each numbered and cataloged.
The subject harbors plans to build a basketball court made of glass.
It is Wednesday, the day after movies are traditionally released on DVD, and the subject piles up purchases at a local video store. He collects with no particular agenda in mind. He's just hungry for more. He grabs the new releases first, two and three at a time, piling them against his chest like a stack of library books. He is not picky. On this day his haul includes The Libertine, The Matador, Basic Instinct 2, three submarine movies, a dance movie, two romances, and a handful of comedies. As the stack grows higher, he slows. How many does he plan to buy today? "I usually stop when I get to here," he says, holding a finger to his chin. He doesn't know when he will watch them, or even if he ever will. Back at home, in the supremely carpeted media room of his cozy, overcouched theater, he has a hard drive capable of holding more than ten thousand titles. Ask him and he'll tell you he wants them all. All the movies. Ever. "
Sublimation is a coping mechanism for refocussing extra hiNRGs to other outlets. Gilbert can only do some much to work on his game so when hes still bouncing off walls he collects, he puzzles, he bowls and finds safety in objects.
In fact Gilberts entire basketball career is the product of sublimation. SInce first time he picked up a basketball and said "Are you my Mother?" gilbert has refocussed his energy from his pain into hoops. All his success is built on the broken ruins of his childhood.
A man called Frankl wanted to be a Mascot for the Roanoke Dazzle, but when team doctors discovered his allergy to flame-retardants he had to "SUMBLIMATE" his desires and so he became a famous psychologist and he believed that when we rush to do all these things at once its hiding attention from the "existential vacuum" and that we all fear the meaninglessness, the hole, the huge zero in our lives so we try and fill it with things and hobbies. We are all trying to fill our time. Frankl called it the "SUnday Neurosis" and Phil Chenier calls it "Breakfast"!!!
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Lately I've been dreaming I'm playing basketball on a desert island. That's all there is on the island-just the court, water lapping right up to the edge of the blacktop. It's just water all out there. Deep. Then I notice there are fans out in the waves, circling us.
I was so depressed that I wasn't playing that I didn't want to go out. I'm gonna stay and do sit-ups or jumping jacks. And I'm not gonna come out. Not till morning. There's nothing out there for me. I don't know those cities. I don't know where to go. I don't have any people. Other guys will be out, the steak house, the clubs, just rollin'. Me, I'm fine. Time is falling off. Sun's coming up. I'm doing more sit-ups than the night before. I'll watch three or four movies. I'll watch infomercials.
ANALISIS: SELF ESTRANGEMENT
Gilbert built his tent and made his couch and now he wants to sleep on it. He is Private Zero, he texts, he watches Bambi II, and if youre a lady keep your chips to yourself when the dealings done - don't be bringing those forced cuddles his way!! Some say this is strange but we say its ESTRANGE.
SO why then is Zero sequestering himself?? Its like he is quarantined but unlike Rod Strickland this quarantine doesn't involve Baileys Crossroads Center For Disease Control and a Chinese pork ban.
Why is Gilbert hiding himself away deeper than Calvin Booth in a box score???
Well for one thing he has been hiding from his girlfriends Lawyers. But if you asked a man named Heidegger, who invented a magic 8 Ball you don't EVER want to shake, he will tell you that "self-estrangement" means agent zero is confronting the fears of an unauthentic life. An "unauthentic life" is when your have a public ego which is like the big billboard version of yourself outside the Verizon center, but inside you are wrestling with lifes banality, which is like wrestling with Awvee Storey but in your brain instead of the team bus.
Maybe you ask: what does "Banal" mean?
Well think of it like this:
Banal is to "Anal" what BMitch is to "Mitch". Its is boringness and irrelevancy and bland.
Mister Freud's penis told him all men have 2 drives going on at same time fighting each other. There is THANATOS which is drive toward breaking apart all life, and there is EROS which is drive to stop that drive and live like a TruWarior. And then there is RAMOS, which is the slow pointless drive back to a Roanoke Best Buy.
The good newz is that by alienating himself Agent Zero is discovering and saying "yo whats up Malfoy"to the vanity and banality and zeroness all around him so that he can then return to an authentic full existence. And then he will GO ALL IN and dive back into the vagina and be reborn! (Sweet, I hope Chick Hearn does a Wizards Magazine on that!!!!)
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It's the Cavs versus the Wizards all over again, except this time Gilbert has the Cavs. He knows every kink of NBA 2K6-and how to exploit it. He has shifted LeBron to guard and put his team in a game-long full-court press. He is playing against his video-game self and doesn't like the way John is using him. "You gotta get me square to the basket," he says as the Game Gilbert misses a shot from twelve feet. "You gotta get two point guards in there." There's a minute and a half left, and Real Gilbert is up by 191. Then Game Gilbert gets a steal and throws a long pass-only to have LeBron pick it off. "Sorry, Gilbert," says Gilbert. "You can't stop the King."
When I get a new cell phone, first thing I do is turn it off and call from my house phone and leave stupid little messages to myself. Like: "It's me." "It's me." "This is Gilbert." "It's me." "It's Gilbert."
ANALYSIS: DISSOCIATION / STOCKHOLM SYNDROME / INVERTED NARCISSISM
There is more to choose from here than the Livestock Registry at COnstable Hayes' wedding!
Gilbert seems to have split off from himself. He talks to himself in third person and plays against himself in NBA 2K6. Dissociation is sometimes part of a personality disorder, like when there are many personalities in 1 body. This isnt the same as Jahidi Whites disorder which is no personalities in many bodies.
Why is Gilbert splitting off like this?
Well first clue is that he plays the role of LeBron james and torments himself. We all know from their last meeting that Queen james is a Crimson King and a nasty whore, and the dead baby that was still born into the toilet of A-ME!ME!ME!-RICAN consumerism and he is also a ritual abuser. Queen james slapped Agent Zero about and gave him LOW ALTITUDE ESTEEM and then gave him a flaming case of STOCKLHOLM SYNDROME.
Stockholm syndrome is when you sympathise or admire your tormentors. Its also known by other names as "Stolen bride Syndrome" and "Capture Bonding" and "Steve Blake".
As we say before, we have a Scandanavian intern Jarkko Ruuto and he says in Stockholm its just known as "The Syndrome" or "Anstalt Krakas" (Homesickness) and that the most popular holiday in Sweden (after Christmas and Last Day of the Ponies) is "Forkommen Sjal", a week "of stolen souls" where kids around Sweden line up to wait for department store Plagoande, who is a beloved skinny captor figure in olive trousers and black hood, and when your turn in the line comes, Plagoande takes you and blindfolds you and takes you into a back room and leaves you for a week at end of which you leave HIM a present. Happy Holidays! HIT ME!
Its just a survival strategy from Darwin days, like Manute Bol grew 8 foot tall so he could spot lions on the horizon and Mike Ruffin developed a fear of squirrels so he wouldnt play on electric lines, so gilbert attaches himself to the nearest powerful person thinking even if he is humiliated he will be protected
This behavior could also be an example of something they call "INVERTED NARCISSISM" this is someone who craves the company of narcissists and LeBron James is narcissist second only to Salieri Jordan. Wizznutzz have our name for "invereted narcissists" as you well know:
Christian Laettner, MULE! Coach Collins, MULE! Charles Oakley, MULE! Leonard hamilton, MULE Ty Lue, DONKEY!
Gilberts disconnectedness may also be the result of his close relationship with his Pops. They are both a bit nutso and competitive and their lives together are a "follies a deux" (madness in twosome). Gilbert says he is his dad and his dad is him and dad gives him love but man is it some tuff love: Since I was small my dad and I have always been friends. He was never really hard on me. He never really pushed me to basketball. It was like, "Dad, can I play?" And he straight told me, "You suck. You're not good enough for this team! You can sit over there and be my assistant coach." So I used to get teased all the day, and when he leave I used to go practice by myself. And then one day I had the opportunity to prove him wrong and I did. From there, it's always competition, no matter what; video games, dominoes...
The first name he brings up every time: Dwyane Wade. "Well, did you see what Dwyane Wade did tonight? Dwyane Wade has four dunks, three reverse lay-ups, if you was talented like him..." and I'm like "Man!" And I'll be like, "Dad, are you going to come to any of the games?" He's like, "No. You guys are playing the Bobcats and the Grizzlies. I'm gonna come when Dwyane Wade comes to town or Kobe."
Hamslam! You think when Gil Sr. tells his son about how he hit a dinger in the weekend softball game that Gil Jr is like "Big deal, I bet Pat Morita hit 2" or when Sr. invited Jr to his wedding thats coming up, Gilbert is all like, "Maybe Ill come. is Phillip Michael Thomas gonna be there? You call me when you are getting married and Tubbs is gonna show"
Gilbert idolizes dad so much and wants to follow his examples. just look at how now Gilberts having kids of his own and hes breaking his back to make sure they are raised properly by 2 single parents! And Sr is jealous i guess since he has always been in his sons shadows, even when Gilbert was only two, he would still help dad get handouts and hand___s from strangers!
And now dad is playing adult-sibling rivalrybut even worse he compares Gil to Wade so its Adult Rival-Rivalry! No wonder Gilbert is confused.
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FREUDS PSYCHOSEXUAL STAGES OF DEVELOPMENT aka AGENT ZERO AND THE PLAIN BROWN WRAPPER
Dr Freud was most famous of all his incites for his Five Stages of "Psychosexual" Development (though if he had lived long enough to see Wes Unseld he would have added so many more.)
It is like Gilbert is going through all these stages at once right now:
On the road, I eat hamburgers every day. The team tries to get me to eat differently, but no. Burgers, burgers, burgers. I like burgers. McDonald's burgers. Wendy's burgers. Burger King burgers. There's this one place in Canada--I even look at the schedule to find out when we play there--best burger I've ever tasted. Real soft and sweet. I ate twelve of them in one night.
ANALISIS: STAGE ONE: ORAL STAGE
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I'll watch infomercials. The last thing I bought was this colon cleanser. I just got talked into it. I'm like, Man, he makes it sound so good.
ANALISIS: STAGE TWO: ANAL STAGE
Freud was an assman no doubt, but anal stage is about actions not satisfactions. When a baby is learning to use the potty he has to learn to control his urges and so if you are an adult you are "Anal" if you are trying too much to control and are fussy and organised and uptite which Agent Zero is Mister TidyBowl in this way. But buying a colon cleaner could mean that Gil suffers from something much scarier:
Shit shame is a very serious condition. Lots of celebrities have it. They clean ass like no ones business. If you live in LA its how you deal... your character got written out of Joey? Call the plumber! What are reasons for this fecal loathing? Some think its cause caca reminds man of his mortality and that he is rotting and decrepid and they get "corporeal terror" . Maybe they have point. I mean we all like bacon but have you seen bacon after its spend hard time in the Bacon Tomb??
And Some think it reminds us of our impurity and badness like gastric smut. For celebrities like Howie Mandel or janet jackson the unwelcome reminders of privy netherpongs threaten to collapse the very simulacra that is fame and fashion.
Gilbert wouldnt be the first Washington baller to be worried about his bowels. In the late 70s coach Gener SHue was super obsessed with his teams bowel movements. He would run about like Dr kellogg himself and made everyone eat fiber and prunes, and was determined to get all the players "regulation size and weight".
On recent Classic Sports feature on Gene Shue Bobby Dandridge said:
"People would say coach was a fanatic and he was a little crazy, sure. During road games he would come into our hotel rooms first thing and check the toilets for stool purity. He would carry his lineup card with him and if you moved a healthy stool you would get your minutes. After practices, he would make us all run wind sprints and we couldnt stop until Wes Unseld produced a robust turd on the sideline. Even in the offseason he wouldnt let up. He would scout colleges looking for a "Natural 2" and he would take all the big men on these weekend retreats into the woods to bond. They called themselves "The Brotherhood of the Low Post." But we were winning and in sports if you are a crazy man who wins they call you a genius."
But I dont really think Gilbert has any of these worries. He says he just got talked into it. And I believe that. Who talked him into it? Ill tell you who. Does anyone remember the infomercial about 5 years ago for a product called "Fat Absorb"??? In informercial, is a fake interview with a spokesman for Fat Absorb and this man looks like the blood has been drained out of his body he is like a pale cloaca ghoul and he says that Fat Absorb binds to the fat in foods meaning you dont get fat in your body but the fat comes out the back in lipid stools aka you get BUTTA drawers. Just so wrong all about.
and now his son ROGER MASON JR plays for the wizards!
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You know how I always throw my jersey into the stands after a game? In Washington, they just go crazy for it. So in this commercial, that's what I'm gonna do with my shoes. I've just hit a game winner, and I throw these shoes. Everyone starts to react, and you see everything in slow motion. Everyone's pushing, shoving, doing whatever it takes to try to get to these shoes. People from the 400 level, they're jumping off the ledge, they're missing the pile, hitting nothing but chairs, and you can just see in people's faces like, Ooooh, that hurt. While all this stuff's going on, one of the shoes pops out of the crowd, and a little girl gets it and she takes off. A couple of people see she has it, and they start chasing her, and she's looking back running-and then she gets clotheslined by a kid in a wheelchair. So he picks the shoe up and says-he's gonna have the only line in there-"They said I couldn't get it. Heh. Impossible is nothing." And then he rolls off.
I just started sleeping in this bed after three years. I used to sleep over there... I trained myself to sleep on the couch... I don't like women all up on me, touching me. So I get up and go.
ANALISIS STAGE 3: PHALLIC STAGE
The phallic stage is when your penis gets angry and tells you to give beat downs to other guys. This stage is what happens in a famous thing called "Oedipus COmplex" where you secretly want to sleep with your mom and stab your dad - yeah weve all been down that road, but for gilbert it was flipped upside down on its head cuz his mom abandioned him he wanted to hurt his mom and sleep with his dad in his dads mazda.
Electra Complex is not to be mistaken with Medusa COmplex which is what Marv ALbert had when went about biting the prostitutes.
Gilbert also might have a problem called
We all know Gilberts favorite movie is Bambii, because he probably identifies with Bambi losing her mom and being alone but the pain is so much he imagines himself not as Bambi but as the hyperactive purple rabbit cackling safely in the bushes
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We have a couple of players who are very aggressive, like Awvee Storey. You know, when you have aggressive people, they have to relieve some of that. And I'm one of those people. I don't care--I wrastle. Wrestling. Hurting. I'll bite, punch him in the side. I'll say, Look, you punch me in the stomach once, I'll punch you in the stomach once. We'll see who falls on the floor first. It's like: No punching in the face. No chest and ribs. We don't hurt each other. I mean, a couple of rug burns here or there. I remember one day, he laid on top of me and was pinching my nose so hard that it bruised. For two days, it was just burgundy. He was calling me Rudolph. Me and him, we can't be in the same room. Our personalities clash because he's a bully and I don't like being bullied by anybody.
ANALISIS: STAGE 4: LATENCY PERIOD
Freud said this stage of Latency is when boys are getting sex thoughts and repress their desires by putting all their energy in nonsexy things like sports and man wrestling. Its a very healthy way of burning out your steam. Imagine if George Bush could just get in the cave with Osaama Bin Laden and just wrestle it out? When Li Peng manuevered tanks into Tianamen Square he might as well have been writing "Hold Me" in shaving cream on a Grevey's rest room mirror. So its very natural to have some Argey Bargey with another boy, or hose him down in the stall. Its just the slow, open, turgid dance of the machosensual.
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and that brings us to Freuds last stage:
STAGE 5: THE GENITAL STAGE
Ding DOng! This is the healthy good stage Gilbert is growing into now. Its the Final Boss. Its is the stage where you dont focus just on you but on everyone around you. Its looking to pass the rock. Its All In. When Bill Walton says its important "to get your teammates involved" thats the genital stage. In fact Bill Walton is such a supporter of the genital Stage that he got that loving nickname "Dickface"
Thats the end of the Analisis!
Im sure there will be more to come since gilbert is patient Zero when it comes to the brain studies since he has more layers than an onion and they are open and still warm like a Bloomin Onion.
The mind is an amazing place. Like sociologist Chalres Cooley said
"It is indeed a cave swarming with strange forms of life, most of them unconscious and unilluminated. Unless we can understand something as to how the motives that issue from this obscurity are generated, we can hardly hope to foresee or control them."
I know he was only talking about the Capital Center but its true for brain also!!!!
Would Senators drop by Gilberts hyperbaric tent seeking wisdom, like Agent Zero was some sort of Low altitude oracle?? WOuld they come into the tent and gil's manservant Awvee storey asks them to remove their shirts out of respect and they would sit with Gilbert, and the air would be thick with canadian hamburger but thin in oxygen and then they would have to complete one piece of Gilberts giant puzzle as an offering and then they would ask their question and gilbert would pause and then say a cryptic proverb with his eyes shut, like:
"you cant wake a person who is pretending to be asleep on the couch"
And then a feeling of pure enlightenement and clarity moves over everyone aka brains begin to asphyxiate, and two months later DC council breaks ground on dogs-only Metro!
But most awesome thing about "The Takeover" is that the WIZZNUTZZ can relate to it, since, yes, we had our own TAKEOVER plan (The Bacon Reich), when we first started 4 years ago, but fate had a way of changing our plan:
TAKEOVER PLAN B: We then decided on way to give back to community by helping others help themselves with a program we called:
"UGGS FOR DRUGS"
First we provided venture capital for podiatric cheese-making technology that ended up being an extraordinary product we call THE Ike Austin CHeesebootTM that uses what u call "The Foot" but we call "the thermodynamic wonder" to create delicous cheese product while you just walk around for only pennies a day !!!
Then we are eating some foot cheese one day with Ike Austin aka "The COmplete Package" spokesman and Ike says, "You know Im very much against poor people and crack stabbings" and a light goes off on our heads and we launch "Uggs for Drugs" where we offer an exchange program: you bring in your drugs, and no questions asked, we exchange to you a brand new pair of australian sheep fleece CHeezeboots "As worn on Oprah" so poor drug types can trade in their self destructive ways for self-Productive WHEYS! and make a new start going into business for themselves so where they had despair they now have pride.
TAKEOVER PLAN C:
Uggs for DrugsTM was going awesome and we thought we had found our purpose but all that changed in a big way one rainy october night when something stumbled into the backyard. It was a naked man but not totally a man , we knew that because of the unformed nipples, and no neck and little possum arms that were clawing at its face and it was yelling "No Fatha ouchies, no fatha ouchies!!!!" And the creature had a shiny medical bracelet on its wrist that said "Ledell Eakles Prototype 3BETA. Nonviable. Destroy At Maturity." And we realised THEN AND THERE that when Abe Pollin talked about "Breeding A Winner" at the Capital Center that it was a different kind of breeding and we had to do all in our power unmask these genetic crimes.
TAKEOVER PLAN D: THE SAGINAW CANDIDATE
When the Cap Center was finally destroyed taking with it the terrible In Vitro Farm and with Mugsy and Manute and Gheorge in protective quarantine we had nothing to do all of sudden and were vulnerable and were talked into a dark partnership with Saginaw Mayor Wilmer-Jones Ham
Wilmer is mother of our own Darvin Ham is how we got manipulated. Wilmer is very ambitious politically and she had secret plan to assassinate the president of USA!!! Her plan was to 'Repurpose the Psyche' aka brainwash her very own robot assassin son using hypnosis and punishment-bacon-reward sciences from North Korea. But the plan backfired badly and Washington Wizards had to hire Air Marshalls to stop naked Darvin from storming the cockpit everytime Christian Laettner played the Queen Of Hearts during team bridge games. Wilmer Ham wept and promised us to dismantle her plans but then this summer Lonnie Baxter was arrested squeezing of rounds outside of White House and Homeland security officials report Juice Newton greatest hits CD was found playing in SUV moments before Lonnies odd ways.!!!
TAKEOVER PLAN ZERO!!!
But then our lives changed forever when we fell in love with Gilbert Arenas and we fall harder than Wes Unseld in a Jet Blue toilet and we decide to devote rest of our days to promoting and spreading the gospel of all things AGENT ZERO.
And we work hard , harder than bees, harder that a 23Jumpman Malaysian seamstresses to get out the word, and we were proudly joined in our mission by loyal friends Jamie and Mr SKeets and Dan Steinberg and DCist and Will and Marcel and more and tireless campaigning of honorary intern Unsilent Majority and then last Friday we finish reading Gilberts Blog and we read these life changing words:
I have a pair of my signature shoes, and I can't believe I got my own shoe. That's amazing! They're the Gil Zeros. I had a thousand names for them. I think the new name is Agent Zero. Oh that's hot. Whoever made that "Agent Zero" up gets a percentage.
Oh. My. Shammgod.
All the televisions in our headquarters at the wheaton Circuit City flickered and went silent and blue for just a second. As we read those words a deep calm seemed to fill the air and hearts like all of mankinds souls leaving their bodys and holding hands across the sky. Patrick Ewing's soul left his body and went and got some baked beans but he still held hands while he ate them. Time stood still and endless for just that good moment and a deep warm perfect bliss hung in the sky and everywhere everyone was good and everything was right for just that moment and big , thick salty tears began to run down our cheeks, congealing slowly like bacon fat on morning's first plate and somewhere in a cold Atlanta parking lot intern August Strindberg stumbled out from a strip club, and looked up at the young sun and let his tattered overcoat fall open and welcomed its great warmth upon his face, and then grimaced, leaned forward and vomited on his shoes.
Whoever made that "Agent Zero" up gets a percentage.
Wow when Gilbert's TAKEOVER is complete we could ask him for just about anything in the world that our hearts desire!!!! but NO we dont want anything from you except respect and a smile to know our work has reached you. Sure there are some things we would REALLY like that you could do for us, like some signed Agent Zeros, or maybe to free all the chickens, or if you could fast track our adoption of Ty Lue, or maybe just if you could make "Bullets Fever" be national anthem for Mexico. You could use the alternate finals version so their customs wont be offended.
CJ y Larry, Gregorio, Jose y Mitch Dirigiram el equipo de la bomba en la zanja!
All men need pride, and all pride needs a song. Even in Mexico.
We don't need rewards because what we did we did for love. You think JC rolled up after the ressurrection and went to the Disciples and was like "Yo Simon, JT, Bart, I been with Financial. SHits blowing up bigger than the Beatles. Heres a little something for your hard work" and stuffed thick enevelopes of sheckles into their sportcoats? "Judas, dog, your cut is down behind the abandoned metalworks by the river. The boys will take you down there tonight so yo getting what you deserve."
We just want to be with you on The Takeover! We're with you Pleather! Together our combined powers will be amazing. Like Pollin and O'Malley, TC and Rick, Moominpapa and Moominmama.
You have fame, money, influence. We have a mothering hut and a pair of boxers autographed in cream cheese by Steve Buckhantz!
The Oct. 23 issue of ESPN the Magazine of ESPN the TV of ESPN the Radio of ESPN the Former Mobile Phone Provider of ESPN.com has a story on Agent Zero. It's more of the Arenas legend rehashed, the kind of steaming pile of hot chunky hash that a mother bird regurgitates for her young after putting it through her gizzard. But there's a few nice scenes between Gilbert and Gilbert Sr. on the set of The Black President's new Adidas commercial.
Gilbert is shown picking bugs out of Gil Sr.'s hair.
Then he and Sr. are shown laffin' about it!!!! Ha haahaa!!!! "Philip Michael Thomas used to do that exactly bug picking thing to Don JOhnson on the set of Miami Vice," said Gil Sr., so Gil Jr. started mad mugging!!! Always joking!!!! Good times between Miami Vice stars!!!
Here are the two best excerpts from the ESPN article, typed up by our good friend Mavis Bacon!!!
***** As the commercials' director signals everyone to take his place, Gilbert Sr. explains his philosophy of parenting. Growing pensive, he lets out a half sigh. "My own father never had time for me," he says. "He was to busy chasing skirts." Gilbert pops up off the cooler. "Sounds like a good idea to me," he says mockingly.
Another thoughtful moment blindsided by the Big Kid. Gilbert Sr. can't get too worked up; he knows he's partly to blame: "I created Gilbert in my own image, a little version of me. [NOTE THE FAMILY'S LOVE OF HAVING CHILDREN AND GIANT BOBBLEHEADS CREATED IN HIS OWN IMAGE!!!!!] And I never want him to be unhappy." If that means sacrificing virtually every Hallmark moment, so be it.
After several takes, Gil lifts up his shirt to reveal an elaborate, stunning [EMPHASIS OURS!!!!] tattoo of a tiger's head that stretches from pecs to naval. A touch of swelling [EMPASIS OURS!!!!] announces it was done just the night before. It stops Gilbert St. in his tracks. For the first time this day, he is speechless. Finally, he musters a disapproving, "What the hell is that?"
"That's the eye of the tiger," says Gilbert.
"Eye, my ass! Is it permanent?" His expression is one of pure dismay as he comes closer to inspect the artwork [EMPHASIS OURS!!!!].
"Look of disappointment on your father's face," Gilbert says, not missing a beat. "Priceless."
The elder Arenas decides its better to turn and walk away. But after taking two steps toward his trailer, he swivels abruptly, clearly hoping the cat has scampered off his son's torso. "What are you going to do when you take your jersey off after the game?" he asks.
"I'll have a shirt on underneath so no one will see it," his son insists. Unconvinced, Dad walks off. As he does, he delivers his parting shot: "Dwayne Wade would never do that." [EMPHASIS GILBERT SR.!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
**** The other main nugget from the article concerns The Assassin on marriage: "I don't want to get married unless they change the marriage laws. You should have to sign a marriage contract for no more than five years, with an option to opt out."
The Stealth's Baby Mama will surely be happy to read those quotes!!!!!
In the final photo from the ESPN article, Gilbert is shown wearing a body suit that he hopes will become the Wizards' third-alternate uniform. But what's up with the Who Farted Dude on the far right?!?!?!!!
On his MySpace page, the Black President calls his new daughter "Mini Me" and his giant bobblehead statue "Mini Me 2." Agent Zero has his priorities straight!!!
At some point we'll comment on the Esquire article on Agent Zero, but the sheer volume of INCITES from The Assassin is just killing us this preseason. DIDI MAO DIDI MAO DIDI MAO!!!
It's gonna take time, peyote, rehab before we can comprehend it all. Gil is just providing too much too fast, much like intern Jarkko on the night that Dana taught him how to become a man in just under three seconds.
The Esquire story is so great, so momumentally revealing, that we're going straight to Freudian analysists to decode it. Really. Right now, our burned-out minds are just blown by the gift of Abraham Pollin, the Tiger Tat of Judah, the Very Reverand GILBERT RASTAFARI.
Seriously, Lang, that's WizzNutzz quality audio!!!! Did you use Certron tapes, 3 for 1 at the grocery store checkout line? US TOO!!!!!!
But you're a writer pro, Lang, and also our friend and a lover, but if you get a man saying "I cook a hot dog sandwich great!" don't you want it to sound as pristine as Juan Dixon's bathroom, not like you're sitting on a windy yacht in the middle of a sandstorm in a bathroom full of poop?!?!?!?! THINK ABOUT IT!!!!! Have Slam upgrade you to this one for your next chat:
What a long imperfect summer, but it comes to a cold stop now that the loons have stopped singing except in Wes Unselds head as he stares upon Golden Pond as it forms below his trouser leg. Its awesome to be back even though incites are flabbier that Darius Songailia. Sike we love The Song of the South, Zippity DOO DAH, his PR teams says he loves being here and wanted to get off ona good foot with the media and sent us this publicity foto with writing "We look forward to working with you this year!"
But what a summer for the Wizards, so many changes, ANdray Blatche is embarrassedly insisting on washing own sheets all of a sudden, but also roster changes.
I havnt seen so many slow white athletes since Norway hosted the Special Olypics in 92!!!!
But the wizznutzz have been taking it easy because a genius called DAN STEINBERG is doing our work for us. Dan Steinberg is new blogger who is best writer ever born, even better than Franklin W. Dixon ("Chet breathed a sigh of relief" OMG a genius!) and even better than Tom Knott, whose columns are like a footrace between Self-Loathing and Jealous-Rage and a footrace that has no finish like the Grunfeld honeymoon. DSTeinz awesome blog aka ALL THE BLACK PRESIDENTS MEN maybe makes us obsolete, maybe we are Jonah now and he is Jarvis?? But DSteinz is a Media Assassin and now he has the ear of Gilbert arenas and the rest of the team and maybe we have a powerful friend now cause low and beholy jesushe is pitching our Agent Zero brand to the black president!!!
And Agent Zero? "Ooooh, I like that, I like that," he said. He repeated "I like that" several times.
"I should have named them Agent Zeros," he said. "That's the next name. That's Part Two."
Dan the cheeseboots are in the mail because its all about positioning the brand when its not about rear-loading the product. Get a cheeseboot on Big Oily cause hes like Russia market, a big rustic virgin waiting to be conquered!!!
But Gilbert says he has other nicknames on the table, like :
"The Stealth" (WAY TOO JAN MICHAEL VINCENT GIL) "Zero To Hero" (Much Too close to Kevin Duckworths slogan "Zero To Hero To Hoagie And Back To Zero")
Plus he has already NEW TOP SECRET ADIDAS KICKS HITTING THE SHELVES:
Not BAD, I like the NIL sign logo, it suggests qualities of gils game: the perfect circle, the laws of nothingness, the Hegelian tension between the void and pure being (which Gilbert knows better then anyone since he spooned between PJ Ramos and Kwame Brown his rookie year)
2K7 Agent Zero DuckPin Waders!!! Supple leather knee high uppers protect from Squirrel bites!
This has just been start of One Crazy Summer for Gilbert Arenas. The Coq diesel has gone CHockity Choko. Like we warned last year he is best quote in the NBA. WHos a better quote in world even? Maybe Winston Chruchill if he had Tourettes would be better but just you try sending DubCHurch to Best Buy to buy you a rap cd !
Now summers over and the boys are back from summer of love in Miami and Gilbert is acting all cold to Awvee, like in the movie Grease when Danny snubbed Sandy. Before they were so close, Awvee would spray antiseptic into Gils bowlers every night while he slept, but now Awvees all like "Youve changed Gilbert! I hate you I never want to see you again!"! in his worst Andrew gaze accent. But its Awvee needs changing, into leather pants and blonde wig to get his man back
POSTERCHICKEN giant Gilbert Arenas billboard goes up downtown, with giant slogan that says:
"GO ALL IN"
Which SUperfan Sasha tells us is already a slogan, taken by:
NO one should make a joke about Hirsoshima. Because Hirsoshima is like 1998 Bullets: it caused great shame for all mankind and because both had their fate horrifically changed forever by a bombsquad.
The new Gil Billboard was pasted over the old Mitch Richmond one, slogan "Touch The Sky" but rain and dirt had worn down paper so it just read "ouch e s"
COLOR ME BADD
Gilbert aka Cape Fear showed off all his new tattoos. First he got giant Tony the Tiger face because "tiger is king of the jungle" Maybe in India gilbert! But in Urban jungle, Chicken is king!
Then He cribbed from JC's "His Pain Your Gain" and tweasked it to read "My Pain My Gain" which is kind of in the spirit of Jesus, if Jesus was a cutter maybe. But then in turned out it wasn't even an original idea, since Steve Blake has lower back ink says: "My Pain His Gain"
RUB A DUB SNUB
Gilbert suits up and goes to war for his country in world champs but Mike San Antonio and Coach Mike Kvetchteste give him dishonorable discharge, worse dishonorable discharge than you get from a angry Serbian whore at the Charles oakly carwash.
Gilbert SNUBBED BY HIS COUNTRY! Nothing worse than nation snub, just ask Julius and Ethel Rosenberg and Aaron Burr and Bryan Adams.
Gilbert vows to get revenge on Coach K, enrolls at Brown University, minor in semiotics, major in payback!!
Over caffeinated Gilbert and his 13 XBoxes got humbled by some white punks BUT if you cant beat em, join em!!!
SO Gilbert goes and sponsors Final Boss HALO team - like a Black Max Dugan! He took em to Abercrombie! Agent 0 breaks HALO color barrier! FInally blacks in gaming management! He wants to be Bernie Bickerstaff of HALO!
One kid also said Gilbert was "coolest guy I ever met". Hey son, hes also the blackest you ever met!
There hasn't been this kind of buzz with an NBA baller and video games since Q-Bert machine at the Rockville Pike PuttPutt had high score reading: KUPCHK84
In Video games a Final Boss is the last big bad guy you have to defeat. Maybe in gilberts world he sees life like a HALO gamm, and he is gunning for his final boss. Is it Queen james? Lord VOldemort? Sleep?
PITCHING A TENT
Agent Zero had Colorado Altitude Training convert his bedroom into barometric pressure chamber aka presidential biodome aka THE SMOTHERING HUT!!!! This is incredible!
Now Washington Wizards are turning into the Paul Simon song: "The boy in the bubble AND the baby with the baboon heart" !! These ARE the days of miracle and wonder!
I know what you are asking and YES he got an O-Kennell for his Pitbulls too!!!
They sold Gilbert on idea that sleeping at 9000 ft in thin air, aka DEATH ZONE, he will have extra hi-NRG in the 4th quarter.
BUT C.A.T. are SNAKE OIL salesmen gilbert. Don't forget time someone sold Avery Johnson a HELIUM tent to sleep in to get LITE but he just shrunk and got his voice damaged for all time. And don't u remember lessons from documentary THE Air Up There where Kevin Bacon went to Africa mountains to get superfit hi-altitude afro giants and ended up becoming a human slave trader and then being naked in Hollowman?
Gilbert they told you they can "bring Colorado to you" but have you been to Colorado?? Its not just fitness skiers and army men, its rolly polly white simpletons mostly, and since it has no mass transit, they will be wandering about your house banging up against your plastic walls like greased pigeons flying into a pane.
Please w e ask that you think hard about the following Hazards of movin on up to Hi-altitude living:
1. Dogs with altitude sickness 2. Undercooked Pastas 3. Trapping smells! Calvin Booth comes by for Cuban food and now you live in a fume hood. 4. Hi altitude affects cognitive abilities. Youll be living in a "crazy tent", too crazy even for you. You will invite men into your crazy tent to tattoo tiger chickens on youir chest 5. Worst You will have to deal with that old assistant coach guy Tom Young coming by gassing up and going Blue Velvet on you "MOMMY! BABY WANTS TO F**K!"
They say science to the tent is to reduce Oxygen to you to make your blood work for you but if you want aiur sucked out of the room, why not just invite Michael WIlbon over????
Or use coach Lynams old technique of smoking 2 packs while jumping rope?
Or be like Charles Shackleford and train in offseason with two roast hams tied to your ankles?
3 PIECE PARADISE
In his biodome Gilbert tells DSteinz he passes time working on a 1800 piece puzzle! This continues in DC puzzler tradition which included Lorenzo Williams placing adult personals under pseudoname "RUBIKS SNAKE" and Bullets GM John Nash paying 50,000 dollars in rights fees for what he thinks is a large Chinese center called "Su Doku" Gilbert says his puzzle is a "jungle" scene but hes only done 3 pieces cause lack of oxygen makes him mental so how does he know?
Maybe he is trying to complete the infamous unsolveable ZERO PUZZLE?
Or maybe it's a LARGE FARM KNOB PUZZLE! Large Farm Knob Puzzle? Wasn't that the big buggery case Constable Hayes cracked last year?
HAVE YOU EVER LOOKED GOD STRAIGHT IN THE EYE? IT BURNS LIKE FIRE AND GONORRHEA IN THE MOST RIGHTEOUS WAY.
That's what it feels like this instant as we consider the gift that Buddha has gave us in the form of Agent Zero, and it's just too hard to concentrate. God is great, and HE/SHE/transgenderation gave this humble website the Black President just like he gave us his only son, Kwame Brown.
There's just so much goodness breaking at the moment that we can't move a Botoxed/peyoted muscle after reading all this: Gilbert has converted his home to Colorado altitude and has an altitude tent for away games. He's also sponsoring a Halo team, and he's using phrases like "What's poppin' Pippen?"
We WizzNutzz are trying to wrap our collective brain damage around the amazing gift of frankincense, myrrh, and Agent Zero. There's so much more genius out there, too, but it's so hard to provide INCITES right now as we consider GOD'S GRACE.
So instead of trying to comment we just stripped nude, went into the Mothering Hut and wept like moistened manchildren as Ledell sweated over our secret stash of Lorenzo Williams "almost game-worns" and Ken tighted his cilice belt until he cut out his spleen and screamed, "MY SOURCES tell me that Chris Simms is a GOD FEARING MAN!!!"
As Deep Dish would say, "Mohammad is Jesus." And as we'd say, "Gilbert is Nilbert and we are all fecal matter in the eyes of Lord Abe and we are not worthy of such blessings and diseases."
So until we can get our minds together, just stare at this photo of Mr. T and Beetlejuice and remember that GOD IS GREAT BUT NILBERT IS GREATER.
All hell breaks loose in SOuth Beach! Awvee Storey runs into traffic, Gilbert says "not without my daughter!", crowd screams "Hey look thats Gilbert Arenas! His butler has run into the street!" COPs shackle the President, Jared Jeffries drops to his knees and screams "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" but nobody hears him because Jared is in Vietnam with his dad on a summer trip and his dad has just sold him into a game of russian roulette for 10000 DOng!!!
"Hey Pops what are you doing, lets get out of here really im scared" "Di-Di MAO!! Di-Di MAO!!" "I dont know what that means Dad! The war is over dad, Please can we leave I dont like this!" "MAO! MAO!" SO WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!
Now knee jerk sports analists all over are slamming gilbert for saying "Im a basketball player you cant arrest me" taking his quote totally out of context, and Mike and Mike aka espns CHUBB AND CHASER radio duo giving Agent 0 the "just shut up award" - eff you windchumps, you have knee jerk incites, you only have 10 opinions in life and they are on a revolving sports Viewmaster(tm) and you just rotated the viewmaster to the picture that says "I HATE YOUNG BLACK MILLIONAIRES"
1st of all, its 3 am Gilbert, shouldnt you be at home playing HAlo???!!!
Second, "Im not leaving my teammate"???? What does he think this is, Red Dawn??? Its Awevee Storey!! Hes not your temmamte 4 much longer! in 2 weeks hes gonna be Lil' Reggie's teammate busboying at Appleebees!
What does Gilbert think this is some '06 Bonnie and CLyde shit??:
Look for me! Young, RV Cruisin down the westside - high, way Doing what we like to do - our, way But today, I got my shortest Storey wit me I'm mashin the gas, he's grabbin the wheel, it's trippy how hard He rides with me - the new Bobby and Whitney Only time we don't speak is during "West WIng" He gets Presidential fever, but soon as the show is over He's right back to being my soldier Cuz Miami's a rider, and I'm a roller Put us together, how they gon' stop both us? What ever he lacks, I'm right over his shoulder When I'm off track Miami is keepin me focused So let's, lock this down like it's supposed to be The '06 Bonnie and Clyde, Zee' and RV
Gilbert dont you know Bonnie and Clyde didnt end well? Warren Beatty got shot full of holes, and Faye Dunnaways fate was even worse, she married rock star Peter Wolf in 1974. A teenaged Jeff Ruland felt betrayed, and burned his J Geils denim jacket!!!!
Third: "Resisting Without Violence" What kind of charge is that? If that was a real law theyd have evidence on Brendan Haywood to lock him away for life! These r the kind of crap laws that cops are cracking down on ever since SHAQ muscled Gundy Van Sapien aka SGT BARGEARSE out of town and became sherriff!!
FOurth question: Will the Black President pardon himself??
Was he up 5 days straight with Agent Zero and zero winks playing Grand Theft Auto Vice City and thought he was still in the game simulacrum and could just boost a car?
Maybe he was trying to escape??? Was Agent Zero keeping him prisoner? We know Gilbert has a history of violence against RV, like when he hosed him down on the crapper and when he drop kicked him for laughs. What was that all about? I say NO to prisoner theory, i think Gilbert was hazing RV or was just flirting with him in his Chikity Choko the Chocolate Chicken the Real Coq Diesel ways, because Gil would look to RV sitting there with the DNP dancers on the GROUP W bench with his 10 day contract and Gilbert developed a sweet old SNUB CRUSH on short Storey!!!
SIxth: Is it true reports that say Gilbert had a massive maze of tattoos on his back and maybe this was like the show Prison Break and he had mapped out the escape in a tattoo to free Tru Wariors Chico Debarge and Rod Strickland?? No truth on this one says Miami PD, they say Chico and Rod are not in their jails and that Miami CSI checked the tattoos and they are actually the complete cheat codes for Banjo Kazooie . WHo knows the truth? I know the truth that in the Big House its better to be a 'BAnjo' than A 'Kazooie' if u know what Im saying!
WHO KNOWS WHAT GOING DOWN IN SOW BEACH???
One man knows
Thats right if anyone knows the criminal streets of Miami its GILBERT ARENAS SENIOR, former Miami Vice extra and current deep-cover very-plain clothes volunteer detective.
We have talked about Gilbert Seniors crime fighting ways in startling incites
Heres what Gil Senior had to say when we contacted him:
"OK first of all , I'm not going to say on the record that this is corruption, but like they say, 'If it smells like a duck...' and this one stinks. All I know is, if they were serious about this they would have ordered some speedboats. We all know this isn't about a couple of basketball players. This goes deeper than that. This goes to the drug lords, this goes all the way to Calderone. And anybody who knows a jai alai about Miami crime knows if you are going to bring down a drug lord, you're gonna need you some speedboats. They will deny it, but I'm on the case, deep cover. So deep sometimes I don't even know my own name. I'm gonna bring Calderone down. I can feel it coming in the air tonight oh Lord. Ive been waiting for this moment, all my life. It's gonna be like a Michael Mann movie you know, just two men locked in a battle, the hunter and the hunted. No wives, no girlfriends, no room for complications, because we are two men with a destiny like two uncaged animals. Two strong, cunning men, mano a mano, man on man. I will track Calderone through the streets, my streets, through the seediest back alleys of Miami. He will feel the hot weight of me bearing down behind him. I can see the sweat running down his back, breathing deep, the sole spotlight from a police chopper illuminates the steam rising of our full, dark lips. I can smell him, he knows whats coming, he's teased me but now he knows what's coming, I track him to the abandoned high school, through the halls, to the men's room. We are in the men's room now, I look under the stalls, I see nothing. But the hunt is reaching its end, I am swollen with anticipation. I kick open the first stall. Nothing. My nostrils flare. I kick open the second stall - nothing. The third, the fourth, my heart quickens. Finally just one final door stands between me and my flushed man quarry. I push the door open with my barrel. "Turn around" "You'll never take me"....
Just as Gil Sr guessed, The Miami PD does deny it!!!!!
"Mister Arenas is in no way affiliated with the Miami Police Department. He does not work in any capacity for any recognized law enforcement organization, now or ever. "Ronaldo Stubbs" is not an officer with the Vice Squad. Ronaldo Stubbs is not a real person. If the Miami Police Department was undertaking an undercover operation at this, or any other time, it would certainly not involve a 300 pound black man in pastel capris. Miami is a colorful place and Arenas is a big, colorful, guy. The tourists love his stories, and the kids like to see him talking into that big broken cellphone. But he knows the rules around here, NO police scanners, and NO hanging about in the public toilets."