Monday, October 01, 2007
WIZZNUTZZ TRYING HARD TO DIGEST TWO UNBELIEVEABLEY GAMEY SLABS OF NEWS MEAT!!!!
Last Friday sports blogging god Will "dont hate me because my hair is beautiful" Leitch on Deadspin was ushered into the high altitude media tent to interview Agent Zero .
We all know Will Leitch is a pro, spreading the thickest "Royal We" butter since Bishop STubbs wrote the best-selling Joe Namath mass-market paperback bio "Broadway and We" in 1902, so it wuz no suprize to us that Will didnt lob no Bobo Newsom softballs at Gil, and that before he feinted Will asked him the question thats been on everyones lips:
"Have you been to Wizznutzz? "
well let me say that IN the wizznutzz offices at that minute all our attention on other things including breathing was suddenly like the bacon in the SIzzlean commercials, and with our focussed brains we levetated that old bacon away from our plates and said "move over bacon, make room for something meatier!(tm)" as we waited for our Hero Zero to answer:
My dad is more into the stuff like that, the RealGM, the Wizznutzz, those types of things. He tells me what's going on. He was sitting there for five, six hours, posting under fake names, "how do you like that Gilbert Arenas? He's a jackass, huh?" Just to see what the response is.
It is true, we are CRUSHED to find out the Gilbert doesnt spend 3 hours a day on our site or even just now an then pop by to ask GarBot2000 for legal advice
plus we are THRILLED to find out that Gilbert ARenas SENIOR IS checking our incites, loitering around like Llorenzo Williams, lurking about the site going deepcova brotha like Tubbs on the comments board. We have no idea who he is posting as, he could even be the secret alter ego of one our famous regulars:
Cheniers Ghost? David Vanterpool? Lynams Disease? Good God - Unsilent Majority?!?!?!?!?!
We love Gilbert Senior!!! In fact, maybe even Agent Zero is a little overexposed and SO we are now backing Pops, aka "Gil The Thrill" from here on out.
Its like Tortoise and The Hare story, Junior has burned bright like a meteor through the blogosphere but Senior is steady and focussed and maybe he is the real future?? Maybe its like DOnald and Keifer SUtherland. SUre Keifers got a hit show now but lets see in 10 years if anyone even remembers keifer or if they are like "You mean that albino dude in Powder?" while Donald is talk of the town and has Tinsley Mortimer's racy smells in his beard and has a hit show while the only hits Keifer's got are hits on youtube for the humiliating Dancing With The Stars audtion tape that shows him doing The SMurf in the parking lot behind The Apple Pan with SOuthern COmfort in his hand and his career down with his overalls around his ankles.
NOT really of course we will always love Gil Junior,
But for GILBERT SENIOR:
WE GIVE YOU AN OPEN INVITATION:
COme And Be an Intern At Wizznutzz!!! Write for Us!!!
We have already ordered a new Colecovision keyboard for you, and well as xtra large flame-retardant intern robes, and a monthly RideOn pass! You can even play your ATlantic Starr records in the Mothering Hut!! You will get more hits than your kid's upstart blog we promise. You can razz him hard about your Click Through Rates and internet celebrity friends!!!
Or if you cant blog for us then
WE WANT TO INTERVIEW YOU GILBERT ARENAS SENIOR!!!!
It will be most gripping talked -about celebrity interview since Morely Saffer asked MJ "what did you do with Ty Lues body"!!!
Lets do it by webcam the interview! You wont belive the questions we will ask and we wont believe your aNSWERS!
eMAIL US gilbert arenas senior AT wizznutzz (at) yahoo.com please we woulkd love to set it up and take you right to the top!!
This would normally be enough AGent Zero news for one day, but then Agent Steniz reports yesterday about Gilberts NBew Cartoon SHow "GAZO THE PRANKSTA".
SPorts Bog covering the wizards is like a real life Fantasy Island. Dan is Mr Rourke and he has Littles and if you can even dream it, they will deliver it to you. Gil has hired young writers from UCLA and USC and a Jr. Animnator from "Lilo and Stitch 2" and has made a cartoon about some school kids who get snubbed by the popular kidz and their leader is GAZO who carries out pranks and japes and has an imaginary freind sidekick called Agent ZIP.
SO with the outcasts and practical jokes it is no doubt this show is based on Gilberts own life and so it is curious to see there is an Imaginary friend sidekick.
Imaginary sidekicks are common tradition in cartoons. Like when Fred Flintsone had Kazoo the martian who no one else could see. And Big Bird had Snuffleupagus and Calvin had Hobbes.
But also imagi-amigos they are also very common for real boys growing up.
There are many reasonz people have imaginary friends.
Fred Flintstone's reason was likely from hallucinations caused by an advanced glioblastoma in his brain from phosphorous toxicity he got from eating nothing but Brontosaurus meat for 30 years. But for rest of us imaginary friends help us to overconme our "egocentric inadequacies". Thats what Jean Piaget says anyway. Jean Piaget was a child development specialist and founder of The Wiggles.
They're trying out alternate viewpoints, probing causal sequences, revising interpretations of changing situations—honing the capacity to take others' perspectives, he speculates, a skill that gave our language-speaking species powers of narrative dialogue that proved highly adaptive.
Thats what a lady wrote about it in Slate website about how imaginary friends are good for you.
Now if you know Gilbert you know it is no surprise that he has had imaginary friends.
The only question is WHICH ONE of all his imaginary friends he would cast for GAZO???
Here are some of Gils Phantom friends he had to choose from:
There is "BUMPER"
who is a small yellow rabbit that looks just like Thumper from bambi but has the voice of Mabel King, Roger Thomas' Mama from the show "Whats Happening". "Bumper" helped gilbert as a child dealing with growing up without his mother. Thumper had experience in adolescent counseling from the Bambi thing and Mabel Kings voice is warm and comforting like a big bosom.
Hippolito would help Gilbert make decisions about right and wrong. The two heads would argue with eachother for control of Gilberts young conscience. Hippolitos right head usual won. This is because the left head was always singing that damn Rick Springfeild song "Dont Talk To STrangers" over and over driving Gil nuts while the Right head of the tortoise was way more fun and mischevous and got into trouble and also taught Gilbert how to smoke.
There is "MR SIMs"
The imaginary litle man who lives in Gilberts cellphone. Mr SIMs helps Gilbert feel comfortable in social situations. To talk to him Gilbert just has to call his own phone and leave himself messages : "Hi its me, Gilbert!"
There is "AWVEE STOREY"
AWVEE was the rascally imaginary lockeroom playmate Gilbert created to help him get through the anxieties of a new team and a new town!!
But GAZO'S sidekick AGENT ZIP is the best ever because of the revolutionary POUCH. Its shows Agent Zeros amazing private imagination.
GAZO'S POUCH is truly original. Well sure "Gazos Pouch" it is one of the fundamental principles of Non-Euclidean Geometry, but in the make believe world GAZO'S POUCH adds a whole new dimension because within your hidden friend is another hidden space, a moist hidden private space that has bottomless storage to hide your trickster plans, and hijinks, and secrets and to hide your FEARS until you are ready to face them.
This isn't the first time we have talked about POUCHES and FEAR and MARSUPIALS here at wizznutzz.
In fact many of you know we made a famous mixed media art piece that we sold to the Andrew Gaze Gallery Of Marsupial Art and we called it
So "GAZO'S POUCH" will be the theme of Wizznutzz 2008!
A place to hide our incites, a magic sleeve of tricks, a 'fun size' mothering hut, an antiseptic bacon incubator!!
We R sorry the site is having so much problems. I left the TRS99-4A home computer in Kens hands but Sibley Cross Hospital just phoned to say Ken swallowed the batteries for the tape recorder hard drive!!! We r working on it!
Also, tru fact, I was in AUSTRALIA!!!!!! I was there for many reason:
One, I brought my mother there for fresh air and powdered wombat bone so she can convalesce and get away from the pressure of her upcoming trialaka the "Burning Ma"am" Festival, for torching her 86 Benzo for insurance dimes. We hope to get the Judge Who Cried from the case of Anna Nicole Smith v. The Darkness trial. He seems a a fair man and would understand that just because my mom, Former Saginaw Mayor Wilmer Jones Ham, fled from police in a white pinto with her best friend Altamese Allen is not sign of guilt but of normal flight mechanism of scared animals. I know people want to turn my mom into power crazed "Lady Macbeth" but stubborn stains do not equal madness, even bacon stains. But Im no Rod Strickland. I knows a bum beef when I sees one. I am committing my times to hunting down the "real" firebugs: Cecil A. Collins Jr. and Handyman Jerry W. Wilkins. Hey JDubs, there aint nothing "Handy" about passing out drunk in the bosses backseat with a can of gas and a lit Newport. And then There are so many natural ways a ladys car can catch alight. Saginaw as u know has bad problem with Mexican possums and fire is only way to burn those buggers out when they take nest in your car. Plus have u seen what kind of Guy Fawkes pyrotechnics happen when a unattended hair iron is left on around a plastic salad bowl full of week-old Dudley's Salon Control Gel Activator????
AND BOOM GOES THE WALLABY!
It will be OK. Thanks for all your letters of support. I am not worried about my Moms. If she has to do hard time in an all-womens prison then Im not worried. Mom can bench press her wait in canteen chili and can swap her special Ham family pruno for stamp money. She can hold her mud. She aint sellin wolf tickets and isn"t afrad to shower around ladies.
Anyways meantime I enjoyed Australia! Its a couintry like Ron Artest's Tru Warior records: fiercely independent and founded by convicts! I have been keeping busy.
On the plane trip I listened to this Steve Buckhantz call for 16 hours in a row, lent Ralph Fiennes my travel lotion, and had my cheeseBoot detonated on the tarmac by Australian customs!
I was guest assistant coach at BDL - Bogan Development League with Andrew "Fatal Shore" Bogut and former Bullet Andrew "White Vegemite" Gaze!! Andrews dad Lindsay is famous Oz coach, like an outback Jimmy 'The Rat' Lynam, and was showing the young Oz ballers the Eddie Jordan offense aka "The Walkabout".
But don"t get me wrong, it wasn"t all work we also had more japes than a Yahoo Serious Film Festival!
First I went to a fancy art gallery because they added "FEAR POUCH" to the permanent collection of indigenous art.
Then Shane Heal took me down to St Kilda beach and I paraded around in nothing but my Ugg boots and lycra budgie smugglers! We had too many Matilda Bay Wine Coolers and got in a scrape in the parking lot of Bojangles Niteclub when I found out the hard way that ABoriginies don"t like it much when u ask them to "point the bone" !!!!!
Did u know integrity spins down the toilet counter-clockwise in Austalia???
Andrew Gaze called his dance partner, Linda DeNicola "The Michael Jordan of Dancing". I guess that means she did the Hustle, then stood in the spotlight and got like Morris Day and made Gaze dance in front of her with a big mirror like that yes man Jerome so she could admire herself, then she slept with Gaze's wife, called him a "flaming faggot", fleeced 10K out of him on side bets, and finally, bought an ownership stake in Australia"s Dancing with the Stars, brought in her own "celebrity" dancers Leonard Hamilton and Doug Collins and ran the franchise into the ground.
Salieri will never learn!!! He keeps rising up in the bowl like some unflushable turd. If only he could be like Don Fabrizio, the faded, existentially lost aristocrat from The Leopard who accepts that glory is conceit:
"We were the Leopards, the Lions, those who'll take our place will be little jackals, hyenas; and the whole lot of us, Leopards, jackals, and sheep, we'll all go on thinking ourselves the salt of the earth."
And now hes ponied up his share of the divorce cut to buy into Bernie Butterstaffs Charlotte Bobcats!
In every relationship, trust is very important; never break that trust.
Hey where is his vow about promising "to wipe off the musky stink of adultery before I kiss u goodnite"?
This maakes me think of an other Wizard's wedding vows. No Not Gilbert!!! Hes not married yet to Laura Govan b/c he's still waiting for Talmudic scholarz to decode the 900 page prenup provided by Laura's law firm of Eisenstein, Warburton and Hibachi. But when that special day comes for Gil to make an honest baby mama of LG heres betting he vows:
I vow to love and honor you through the best of times and the worst, and to play online solitaire during all the times in between
But the Wizard I was thinking of was someone different.
Thanks to the Freedom Of Edutainment Act, Wizznutzz have obtainbed exlusive copy of Michael Ruffins wedding vows!!!
I, Michael Ruffin, do solemnly vowe to always walk ahead of you to protect you of harm. If that means 2 or 3 blocks ahead of you because there have been reported squirrel sightings, then so be it.
I swear before God that I will never be too old to cook breakfast for you in the nude.
I promise to capture your fears and release them, like squirrels, onto the neighbors property.
It shall be my great joy to open your eyes to the rich bounties of life, and to provide you a Sears and Roebuk credit card with which to seize them.
I pledge to you that yours will be the name I cry aloud in the night and yours will be the eyes into which I first smile in the morning, not including the glazed eyes of the Eastern Fox squirrel I killed at daybreak.
I promise you a rose garden, and that I shall tend to it tirelessly, even at the expense of our time together, baiting the traps, felling the surrounding trees, gassing dormant nests, encasing the bed in 12 inch reinforced concrete so not one nut shall find purchase, and synchornizing the small, pressure-sensitive explosives.
I dont know who we r influencing exactly but its a safe bet they are carrying around a warm block of Philly cream cheese in their front jeans pocket!! There has been a tipping point that much is 4 sure. Since day wizznutzz launched, livestock fertility in Holland has tripled!
NICE SHIRT D SHAN!
Thanx for the honor DAN and JMOTTZ! Sure we've had some awards before, like Lifetime Acheivement In Innovation from the Dairy Board, and Mike Russo declared our collection of nude Maury Chaykin photos as one of "Top 10 Sites I check Each Morning", and then when our intern Jaarko was first Finnish person to ever win gold at the "Giffy" awards for animated gifs for his floating Ghitza heads. but this is special!
Meantime, Agent Zero has major new BLOG incites.
First up, he mentions one of wizznutzz fave things ever: his Dad's cameo on TNBC hit show HANG TIME!
Its the coolest cameo since Brendan Todd Haydwood's dad Spencer starred in a 'very special episode' of Growing Pains where he taught Maggie Seaver about the dangers of the Post-Suburban Mandingo COmplex!!!
Hangtime starred Reggie Theus! Building a sitcom around Reggie Theus is like building an offense around Calvin Booth! Gil Sr took the role real serious. Not MiamiViceserious mind u, but serious no doubt. Maybe it even went to his head a bit, like when he would go to Gil Jrs ball games and heckle him "Your game OK but you aint no Julie Connor!"
Gil SR stayed in REF character for 16 months! This is why sometimres AGent Zero gets so distressed letting zebras get into his dome.
he named him Trplie A: Alijah Amani Arenas! It was a toss up between that name and Ashraf Amaya Arenas!!!
Gil is already competing with his son:
I was talking a little trash to him already.
I told him hopefully he darkens up a little bit, because he was a little light in the skin. Then I told him he needs to watch the movie 300, because he needs to be a Spartan type of man.
We first compoared the Arenas men to Spartans last year:
Gilbert is like a SPartist. In ancient SParta they had no currency or capital and eveyone sat about and had tons of free time and no jobs and almost everyone was a musician --like Takoma Park but more showering!
Agent Zeros gonna be an awesome dad. He's gonna be the Earl Woods of HALO!!!! He bought his son a tiny couch to sleep on! He's already playing his signature pranks on AAA: hosing him off when he makes potty, pulling all the heads of his stuffed toys, replacing his children's asprin with candy Runts!
AAA is a sweet nickname. Its better than our choices: "The Turnover" "Sub Zero", "All The Black Presidents Men" , and "Hippolitolito" !!!
Hop on the comments board and give us your own Gil Jr Jr Nicknames!!!!
The Oct. 23 issue of ESPN the Magazine of ESPN the TV of ESPN the Radio of ESPN the Former Mobile Phone Provider of ESPN.com has a story on Agent Zero. It's more of the Arenas legend rehashed, the kind of steaming pile of hot chunky hash that a mother bird regurgitates for her young after putting it through her gizzard. But there's a few nice scenes between Gilbert and Gilbert Sr. on the set of The Black President's new Adidas commercial.
Gilbert is shown picking bugs out of Gil Sr.'s hair.
Then he and Sr. are shown laffin' about it!!!! Ha haahaa!!!! "Philip Michael Thomas used to do that exactly bug picking thing to Don JOhnson on the set of Miami Vice," said Gil Sr., so Gil Jr. started mad mugging!!! Always joking!!!! Good times between Miami Vice stars!!!
Here are the two best excerpts from the ESPN article, typed up by our good friend Mavis Bacon!!!
***** As the commercials' director signals everyone to take his place, Gilbert Sr. explains his philosophy of parenting. Growing pensive, he lets out a half sigh. "My own father never had time for me," he says. "He was to busy chasing skirts." Gilbert pops up off the cooler. "Sounds like a good idea to me," he says mockingly.
Another thoughtful moment blindsided by the Big Kid. Gilbert Sr. can't get too worked up; he knows he's partly to blame: "I created Gilbert in my own image, a little version of me. [NOTE THE FAMILY'S LOVE OF HAVING CHILDREN AND GIANT BOBBLEHEADS CREATED IN HIS OWN IMAGE!!!!!] And I never want him to be unhappy." If that means sacrificing virtually every Hallmark moment, so be it.
After several takes, Gil lifts up his shirt to reveal an elaborate, stunning [EMPHASIS OURS!!!!] tattoo of a tiger's head that stretches from pecs to naval. A touch of swelling [EMPASIS OURS!!!!] announces it was done just the night before. It stops Gilbert St. in his tracks. For the first time this day, he is speechless. Finally, he musters a disapproving, "What the hell is that?"
"That's the eye of the tiger," says Gilbert.
"Eye, my ass! Is it permanent?" His expression is one of pure dismay as he comes closer to inspect the artwork [EMPHASIS OURS!!!!].
"Look of disappointment on your father's face," Gilbert says, not missing a beat. "Priceless."
The elder Arenas decides its better to turn and walk away. But after taking two steps toward his trailer, he swivels abruptly, clearly hoping the cat has scampered off his son's torso. "What are you going to do when you take your jersey off after the game?" he asks.
"I'll have a shirt on underneath so no one will see it," his son insists. Unconvinced, Dad walks off. As he does, he delivers his parting shot: "Dwayne Wade would never do that." [EMPHASIS GILBERT SR.!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
**** The other main nugget from the article concerns The Assassin on marriage: "I don't want to get married unless they change the marriage laws. You should have to sign a marriage contract for no more than five years, with an option to opt out."
The Stealth's Baby Mama will surely be happy to read those quotes!!!!!
In the final photo from the ESPN article, Gilbert is shown wearing a body suit that he hopes will become the Wizards' third-alternate uniform. But what's up with the Who Farted Dude on the far right?!?!?!!!