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Saturday, September 29, 2007
 
WIZZNUTZZ SUMMER FILM SPECTAULAR!!!


Our summer vacation is coming to a close. We have been on a long hianus but we are riding americas great bus system to come home to you!!!!


It has been a quiet offseason for the WIzards. Even for Agent Zero oh except for building ONE MILLION HOMES!!!!!!


But the new season is gonna be hot , hot like "Staff Party Hot" at Royal Bengal Restaurant, hot for us and hot for Agent Zero.


He showed us his TAKEOVER 08 "TO DO LIST" and i can tell u now its got some whoppers!!!
We cant spoil the planz yet, but heres a sample:

Gil unveils plan to stop Global Warming!!!!
Our tip: if you got stock in Airship International, double down cuz someones gotta build those ONE MILLION BLIMPS!!!!

When we move back into our offices at the Wheaton Plaza Circuit City we expect all the big TVs to have the damn football on them.
We hate football these days especially in Washington football .

We have a coach who don't care about harvesting nuts because he's waiting for the rapture when all the white man from Houston and suburban VA will all fly up to heavan to be with Jesus and David Duchovnys naked ass , while we all suffer down on earth stuck in an eternal drive-time slot with Doc Walker.


And why is everyone so high on Jason Campbell already??? Why r u so blind so loyal?? Did Dan Snyder lure Leni Reifenstahl out of retirement??
People all say how much poise he has for "standing up in the pocket" .. Its like Chris Rock says : " You SUPPOSED to stand up in the pocket you low expectation-having motherfucker! !!!!

One thing we are very happy thouigh, is when Redskins signed SUFJAN STEVENS as their kicker. We love his poignantly observant play, and we love the Sadcore open mic nite he hosts Tuesday nights at Greveys. Last week I wept on my poppers when Shar Pourdanesh uttered the lines "I died a miniature death" .. SharPo was showing some serious ASSonance!!!!!

I also am so tired from all the Football Analists and Incite-men on the pregame shows. I have never seen so much ill-fitting Van Heusen since John Feinstein's Bah Mitzvah!!!!!

Jaws is just yapping and yapping away and no one has heart to stop him or tell him that he the place he bought his his glasses at - Anne Klein , that thats a store for women!

JAWS:
"Yes well Tony, every team has divisions in the the lockerroom but ultimately whether that team wins or loses depends on how they are able to put those differences in perspective on Sunday morning and win some football games. I'll tell you a story, when I was a rookie in 1977 and Carl Hairston had this thing where he would walk around the lockerroom naked after a game, eating biscuits. And he would get biscuit crumbs all over the shower floor and make a real mess and a lot of guys weren't happy about it but they weren't about to say anything to big Carl."

TONY:
"HA! Carl Hairston eating biscuits? Well at least it wasn't JERRY Hairston eating biscuits!!! Right Jaws???"

JAWS:
Right Tony! So I'm looking at Carl and I'm thinking, wow I haven't seen a naked black man eat in the shower since I was a kid growing up in Lackawanna and my family took in a guy who worked at the lumber mill with my dad and who had hit a tough streak. Next thing I'm thinking to myself: "You know, I think I'd like to take off my clothes an eat biscuits too" but I was a rookie and you know, the thing about naked rookies is, some guys are just going to take that the wrong way,that's just the way it is. So when it came down to it in the end, I had to make the call that so many young men have to make in a pro football lockerroom : "Am I gonna be a gay biscuit eater or am I just gonna' be a naked guy eating biscuits?"

And if i want to watch football games I want to watch football, not RACIST ROUNDTABLE, like when on MNF the guys are broken up about Andy Reids sons Britt and Garrett being in trouble with the law and saying their hearts go out to Andy and its every parents nightmare and "There but for the grace of god go we".....

Are we talking about the Same Britt and Garrett who ON THE VERY SAME DAY in different places on the earth where people were minding thier own business and living their lives and rushing to the post office with innocent joy to get the package of duty free whitefish that their finnish friend had mailed them in individual Media Mail pouches covered in salty stamps that featured the great "CIVIL RIGHTS LEADERS OF FINLAND" and then in one car comes Britt, high on blow and aiming a loaded gun at people while gentle Garrett spends the morning shooting smack into his fat neck, oh you know smack, its that drug the Taliban makes!!! so he can get the courage up to run a red light and smash into someone and then back to Brett who gets anxious waiting for trial starring at the peeling Fatheads on the wall in his dads mansion so he gets loaded and does some more blow and gets back into his car for a another round??!!!!!

You mean THAT Brett and Garrett????? Thats not Andy Reids worst nightmare, thats everyone else worst nightmare right. Hey we all miss our fraternitys, all that sunburn and nerfball in the halls and unreported date rapes guys, but really now!!! Lock em up Rusty!!!

Then not 5 days later I hear the guys on Fox NFL postgame telling Donny McNabb , who by the way gets called "N***er" by his own fans - that he should "SHut up and play" and not bring up "race" . Tru fact.

ENUFF OF THIS CHINO POWER PROPOGANDA!!!!!

As For Our SUmmer, Here is What our Interns Have been Upto:

DANA:
Was last seen cashing a huge check from Travis Henry, slapping down a $1000 bill at Apollo Liquor store for 2 Bottles of Cristal and a tube of Blistex.

AUGUST STRINDBERG:
August texted us 2 weeks ago very excited because he was in Stockholm for the film festival doing nonstop pressers for the new HIP HOP FILM BASED ON HIS LIFE!!!!!

He didnt have time to talk much but he emailed us this photo of him enjoying himself at Gotland Spa, geeting all galenskap with local rap stars like Looptroop, Snoopy and MC Tim

august strindberg

KEN:
Ken has been spending the summer at Luray Caverns. He wasnt part of any tour or anything, he just wandered and found a dark hole and climbed in. He missed the mothering hut!!! When i saw him a couple days ago the duct tape that we had tied around his head to protect his ears, like they do to rugby players , it was almost all gone!!!

DARVIN:

Darvin is a proud new SON!!!!!!!!

Thats right This spring while awaiting trial for fraud and disrespecting a luxury automobile, Darvin's Moms, former Saginaw Mayor Wilmer Jones-Ham married CURTIS McZEE!!!!! No, not Curtis McZee the popular Scottish music video director, but Curtis McZee the Deacon at the Hams chruch!!!
A Deacon yes, AND ALSO A BAILBONDSMAN!!!!

Miss WIlmer Jones-Ham-McTorchy-McZee is very ambitious politiically, she is like Lady McZee MacBeth , and Darvin is worried that she is up to something like that time she used playing cards to hypnotise Michael Adams for 7 years!!!!


JAARKO:
Our intern Jaarko spent his summer doing his usual job as Herring boy at Borga Segelsallskap Yacht Club and called me to tell me he was flying home to "Dull" Virginia and to pick him up, and I said "you mean 'Dulles' Virginia?" and he said "That is right 'Dull" Virginia, haha!!!" its on old joke he plays that never gets old! But then I hear this meesage on my phone yesterday:

"My friends I will be late coming to America, for the problems I have at airport. When I am in transit lounge I am eating my pickled fish see and reading in magazine of how Kiefer Sutherland is making his muscles so big while I am waiting when the lady tells me to eat my fish somewhere else please, so I go into airport toilet and close door to enjoy my snak and then man next to me, he is also in toilet, he taps his feet next to me and wave his hand under the wall that is between us and he coughs and I think I know what he means, for he wants me to share my snack with him!!!! And so I put a big cold smelt in his hand and say "a big treat for a big man!" Then when they call for my plane I am going to check in and I am pulled aside and a man in a uniform put his wand under my robes. This slows me down and I'm not even to security yet!!!! Finally I am here at security now and they are now asking me questions about forms I give them. Maybe you know what is problem? They ask me about any "genocide" and I tell them I have medicine from National health for it! And they ask me about what I doing in Finland and now I am showing them!!! Wait and now some more men are coming to me now, they have moustache like me but also angry face I dont understand what is happening...... hullo men!.... wait no do not doin that to me men.... no please, no, DON'T TASE ME VELI!!!!!!!"

that was end of message!!


ANYway, we spent our summer Watching All The Big Summer BLOCKBUSTER MOVIES!!!!

We saw Marvin Brando's new movie "CAPS FOR SALE 2: PEDDLER DEADLY" . David Foster Wallace was great as the voice of the Monkey. I didnt know monkeys could play tennis!!!

Then we saw the Tyler Perry movie: "BLACK STEREOTYPES SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS LORD!" Also it was awesome!

And we saw the directors cut of Ken Burn's: "FRANKFURTERS!" !!!!!

And our favorite of all was the #1 big budget summer comedy with Robin Williams and Eddie Murphy called "BIG RED FONT!"
It is outrageous! but not as outrageous as how that genius Tom Shaydac can turn $200 million dollars into an air conditioned afternoon of laughs!!!


HERE ARE SOME MORE SUMMER MOVIES WE HAVE BEEN ENJOYING!!!!


CAPTAIN KANGAROO'S BIG SECRET

If you ever wonder why our intern Jaarko can afford so all those courtside seats and top shelf Cloudberry liquer is because he earns royalties from his Uncle Espoo Ruutu who was a "friend" in hit Finnsih feltcore band "Fredi and Friends"
Jaarko has lots of movies of his uncle because he is so proud.

Our favorite one is Fredi and Friends performing "PUMP PUMP" at the 1976 Eurovision finals. Thats Espoo on the keyboard!!





Espoo also got monies for writing the song "Sata Salaama" aka "Eye of the Reindeer" in 1987!!!






MANUTE LIVE!


We first discovered Kenn Kweder's amazing BALLAD OF MANUTE BOL last year when we put it on GOD SHAMMGODS MIXTAPE

Its the greatest pub song ever made. It was briefly the national Anthem of Ireland!! and Radar magazine said it is on Joseph Fiennes celebrity iTunes playlist!!!!

Manute and Steve Guttenbergs new movie isnt out ill next summer but meantime we discovered Kenn Kweder performing The Ballad of Manute Bol LIVE!!!!!






SWEET MY GIANT B-REEL!!!






YOU KILLED AGENT ARENAS!!!

Wizznutzz have exclusive footage of Gilbert Arenas (screen name "Agent ARenas") playing Halo with his Final Boss teammates!!!
I havnt seen an owner taking on his own team like this since ABe Pollin beat Kevin Porter and Ricky SObers at the annual Cap Center "Pollock 4 Poorfolk" imitation crab eating contest!!!

You can hear Agent ARenas groaning alot, thats cause hes getting whipped, and hes getting whipped because he spends the whole game in a corner challenging Avery Johnson to a one-handed grenade throwing contest!!!!






WELL HUNG AND SNOW WHITE TAN


Exclusive footage of Darius SOngalia and the whole Lithuanian mens basketball team getting happy, getting naked!!!
The team gets paid so little from the Lithuanian government since they spent all 2007 fiscal budget financing Tyrone Nesbys rap career that they had to make ends meet by performing in a mobile all-male review. Who wants to change a tire!!!

I havnt seen so many happy naked men since I caught my dad backstage at Tap Dogs!






ANDRAY THE PLIANT

After Andray Blatche got caught trying to put the BJ back in Benjamins he promised he would swear off Hos once and for all!!!



So we caught up with 'Dray this summer laying low, staying away from ladies of the night.

FIRST WE CAUGHT UP WITH HIM STAYING AWAY FROM LADIES AT "FLIRT" NITECLUB ON K STREET!!!

DeShawn, Gilbert , Caron and Rog Mason came along!!!




Is that Stephen A Smith at the 2:08 mark???

THEN WE CAUGHT UP WITH ANDRAY AVOIDING THE NASTY AT 2AM AT SPANK NITECLUB!!!!



DOnell and DeShawn and Twan and Carlos Rogers were all there! SO was Andrays sex rehab sponsor FRED SMOOT!!!





IS ANTAWN IS THE FASHION FORWARD SMALL FORWARD or what!!!!



We will forgive the Yankees Hat 'Twan, because we know u just wore it to match your navy tanktop!!!! Check out that thick piping!!! Hey who invited King Louis XIV's poolboy????!!!!!




O-TOWN IN SNO-TOWN!

Hot new rap video from an underground ALASKAN Hip Hop group called, really,:

"THE CHARLES OAKLEY PROJECT"







THE ORIGINAL JORDAN MULES

Speaking of O-Town, we enjoyed watching him eat cheetos and slapping around the David Beckham of Finland: Scottie Pippin, in an the awesome new documentary "THE SEED OF SALIERI" that charts the roots of Michael Jordans narcissism and bitter jealousy.

We r introduced to the original Jordan Mules, whom MJ calls "My Pigeons".

We r introduced to Michaels gambling, his greed, his bullying.

But the star of the movie is a young Doug Collins.
He reveals for the first time his homoerotic intentions for young Salieri. In a series of candid, confused, darkly cliche monologues we see the young sycophant, the wily, hungry, fawning swain with the crooked smile. There is much forshadowing of the relationship to come, you can see coach Collins realises how special this moment is, to meet another younger, more gifted, more admired, more self absorbed man, and fall in ugly love for him, and have a once in a lifetime opportunity to feed off of his glory like a filthy lake-bed snake.

Psychanalists say that the desire to live vicariously through the anchievement of others is a common symptom of fullblown narcissim. One psychoanalist called "Dr Sam" wrote a book about Collins and MJ and he called in "THE MALIGNANT HEART"

"Narcissism" is the substitution of a False Self for the True Self. This, arguably, is the predominant feature of narcissism: the True Self is repressed, relegated to irrelevance and obscurity, left to degenerate and decay.

Horrified by the absence of a clearly bounded, cohesive, coherent, reliable, and self-regulating self – the mentally abnormal person resorts to one of the following solutions, all of which involve reliance upon fake or invented personality constructs:

The Appropriation Solution – This is the appropriation, or the confiscation of someone else's self in order to fill the vacuum left by the absence of a functioning Ego.


Another thing that is causing some serious foreshadowing is Dougs perm!!

With that hair and that grafic print argyle Doug looks like a keyboard player with tha CHuck Mangionie band!!!

PART 1





PART 2

PART 3

PART 4:


Featuring the unforgettable line:


"Michael will you come here a second so we can kiss on TV"!!!







FORMER BULLET GREG BALLARD IS RUNNING FOR MAYOR!!

Time for a cool change! Screw Bart Peterson!







RONELL AND DONELL!






THE BARD RHYMER!!!

Wizznutzz readers know we have been championing the hard rimez of Etan Thomas for a long time.
Even intern AUgust Strinberg admits etan has flow!

We published an exlusive never before seen poem

Now we have awesome HOT HOT video of one of Etans live poetry performances!!!!

You can watch different parts

HERE
HERE
HERE
HERE


But our Favorite slam is "TOYS 'R" US KIDS"






Man check out all "mmm-mm-mmm-uh-huh-yes" COUGARS in that crowd!
Poor 'Tan!! Cougars with degrees in AFrican American studies are the scariest cougars of all!!! Cuz they are PROUD COUGARS! These aint no Sisters of The Yam son and when they get u home they gonna want to see what your oral skilzz are REALLY about, u know what im sayin!!!! theyll invite u back to their place at the Private Estates at Musty Downs and work u hard. U be coming up for air, the P Cougz be like "Did you hear me tell you you could stop?? Get back down there Levert, what do you think you doing, bobbin for apples???!!"


INTO THE MILD aka
THE MIKE RUFFIN BIOBLITZ!!


I know when you hear "Bioblitz" u r like us and think of Juan Dixon's new line of anitseptic deoderants but this is much bigger, much better than that!!!

Our FAVORITE summer movie by far is this documentary about Micahel Ruffin leading an ill-fated expedition of inner city children throuigh the wilds of rock creek park!!!

Ruffin set aside his crippling fear of squirrels to enter the muggy thicket like an urban crocodile hunter, wrestling isopods, rescuing fawns, fondling snake, calming a disoriented Calbert Cheany who stumbled from the undergroth complaing of "bad berries"

My favorite part is when the lady says:

"(Mike Ruffins) children are the next generation of stewards of the National Park Service"!!!!

Take that ice caps!!! Ranger Ruffins are on the case!!!

So very very very very very much more on this movie later in the season!!!








PPPS:


Congratualtions to Jamie Mottram who got an awesome new job at YooHoo!!

Jamie said they only had one question at the job interview:
"SO it's true youre REALLY not a virgin!!?"

Good luck Jamie!!!!
We LOVE YOOHOO!!!!
The original "Chocolate Rain"!!!!!!


PPPS:

Last 48 hours to get your $5 Off at MOTHERING HUT!!!!

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Saturday, February 10, 2007
 
Their English grammar came down like a hammer!

Left in Brendan Haywood's locker, February 8, 2007:

Brendan Todd
Haywood, clod.
Hey - good God,
This beef you're on
With me, Etan,
Needs to be ending.
Your selfish ways are rending
the fabric of the locker room
'till, like a Strange-love Doctor, "boom" -
our conflict scorches the earth.
Who made your playing time into a dearth
of minutes? Not me.
Coming back from injury,
trying to see
whether my ankle bothers me
as we lose 110 to 83.
You should be incensed
by your defense. Not me.
I take no responsibility.
Yet able will I be
if ere I see
your elbow flying heedlessly.
A pacifist, yes, but that's overseas.
You trying to step? B.T., please.
First I'll yawn, then I'll sneeze.
You haven't seen the likes of these
fisticuffs.

I never seem to have enough.
I'm an angry man. Babies thirsting
for their own self-worth while first-string
players labor just to muff
offensive rebounds, rather than stuff
them down. Why do those babies cry?
They want to see the Wizards win.
That's the only skin I'm in.
Get it to fit comfortably.
Haywood, you just let me be
the shot denier, rebound supplier,
always on fire, taking it higher,
the NBA's best versifier,
E.


Left in Etan Thomas' locker, the morning of February 9, 2007:

The poet-forward once more dips his pen
In inkwells of deep thought - and comes up dry.
Why must we fight this battle once again?
The only Wizard who cannot see why
I get more minutes than you do is you.
You play hard about every fifth game.
The rest, you try to conjure apercus
That will make all the poets speak your name,
Head in the clouds, eyes far from the ball,
An indecisive shot and subpar D.
I reign supreme, and yet you want to brawl.
You and your pen know where to find me:
         In the paint, on the run, or off the glass,
         Believe me: I am going to kick your ass.

--posted by intern Rex Immensae Majestatis Chapman

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Tuesday, January 02, 2007
 


THERE used to be time when having an XCLusive POEM from Etan Thomas meant something!!!!

Now our favorite AFRO-APHORIST, the GRENADIN' GRENADIAN, THE VERNACULAR SPECTACULAR, is all over the interwebs like a hillbilly on his Moms.
And Tan is ANgry! I & Irate!!

First Etan scolds us for selling christmas like we were Mike Jordan selling sneaks on a welfare line!
Etan reminds us what Xmas is really all about: you dont gotta be lining up at KB at dawn to get your hands on a Tickle Me Jesus!!

Next E.T. PHONEZ HOME and accuses DAVID STERN of centralizing his NBA powerz like MAO TSE TUNG!!

"Were not a subject nation!!!"

Gayatri Chakravorty Spivak called Kyle Korver "Little Kalcutta" because even if just one NBA baller cant have a voice, its a million men never hear his words!!

And finally, and most angrily, is this aggresive post move:
We were playing a home game against Cleveland, and after a timeout a referee with dark, slicked-back hair (who shall remain nameless) approached me. He said that he had heard that I write poetry, have a book, speak at universities, am into politics, etcetera, and he asked me if this was true.

I replied, Yes.

To my surprise, he responded: "You're not as dumb as you look."

I turned toward my teammate Antawn Jamison, who also heard the exchange, and we both looked back at this ref with eyes of bewilderment, as if to say that we couldn't have possibly heard him right.

He saw that I was in no way amused, without even the slightest hint of a smile, and attempted to clean up his statement, saying, "Well I think it's great, I could never do anything like that..." I simply nodded my head and returned to the game.

Sometimes someone can make a statement that is so unbelievably blatant that it renders you speechless, left without a response or reaction, until you think about it at a later date. This was one of those times for me.

I could have interpreted this as a bad joke by a referee who should be more focused on making the correct calls than telling jokes that aren't funny. Or I could take this as a blatant slap in the face. I could make the connection to a larger problem in society that deals with obliviousness and stereotypes. Is it an unfortunate reality that many people are still dwelling in the pit of ignorance?

...Why is it beyond the realm of imagination that I could possibly write poetry, have an interest in politics and can express my opinion in a public forum? ...would he have had the same reaction to Darko Milicic, Rasho Nesterovic or Nenad Krstic?

I'm not looking to squeeze an apology from him; don't even want one. Why would he apologize for the way that he feels? That's like Michael Richards apologizing for his racist, hateful rant. Not likening the referee to Kramer, but don't apologize for something you're not sorry about. If you simply regret that people may look at you differently as a result of your feelings, well, that's an apology you can keep.

Now We R used to ET aka the METRIST METROSENSUAL speaking with a braveheart but this is bombastic fantastic, foir real!! I love Tan as much as any man, Im #1 Aesthetic supporter, but i must ask: Is Etan turning into the black PHIL MUSHNIK??

Doth Etan protest too much?? Why is he so angry??
We have some answers, but like when Ledell Eackles went through puberty, its mostly questions.

QUESTION #1

"would he have had the same reaction to Darko Milicic, Rasho Nesterovic or Nenad Krstic?"

No he wouldnt. But If it had been Darko, Rasho or Nenad, then what would the ref have said?:
Maybe he would have said:
"hey which mass grave did u roll out of slobo?"
so hate-wize, its much of a muchness


QUESTION #2

If you really want to know if the refs are racist or any other question about them, why dont you just turn around and ask your teammate Agent Zero?
Gilbert Arenas has studied more video of the Zebras than Marlin Perkins!!!

Gil would tell u what the rest of us already know, that NBA referees are many things: oily, misanthropic, awkward, beady-eyed, outcasts and that they are only tolerated for their skills of running backwards, whistling, framing expensive replica bomber jackets, and providing Michael Jordan with whorez. But above all they are harmless and sad.


QUESTION #3

WHY ARE YOU SO ANGRY?

Is it really because of what our great blackfaced president calls the "soft bigotry of lowered expectations"?? Or...

Is it because...

...you lost that lockeroom poetry battle with Brendan Haywood?
I know Brenda was loaded on Bartles and James wine coolerz at the time but it must have been embarrasing when you rimed

"habeus diasporas" with "labia majoras"

and thought the crown was yours til Bren knocked u out of the ring by rhyming

"shandies aint my drink"
with
"panties tinted pink"


Or Is it because...

David Stern wants to put Allen Iverson in a bowtie?
Because "The Negro Problem" is a essay by WE DuBois but is also a popular phrase at the Stern dinner table? Because commisioner puts the COLON in NEO-COLONIALISM?? Because when Popeye Jones told the media to start calling him by protest nickname: "THE OTHER" , D Stern squashed it because when it comes to his black ballerz Stern likes 'Ups' but not 'Uppities'?

Or Is it because...

When Kramer started droppin NBombs - SAY IT AINT SO COSMO! - you didnt get invited to participate in the big Civil Rights Kramer Summit with Jesse and Al?
Even though you saw hypocrisy of it all, and knew that other Seinfeld cast members been getting away with racism for years, like time Jason Alexander tossed car keys to Andre Braugher at the Emmys and said "park it in the shade boy" or when Julia Louise Dreyfuss said on red carpet at BET luncheon "many of my friends are macacas!" or when Jerry tried out his hideous joke at Washington Correspondents Dinner:

"What's up with black men!? Black men are like airline peanuts, they like to travel in packs and I no longer allow my wife to enjoy them in bed!"


BUT I DOnt think its any of those things.
I think for Etan its something much more personal and close to home


Etan is a millionaire yes, and an famous NBA superstar yes, and has Syracuse education yes so how come he can pile 100 mattresses on top of eachother and still feel the tiny lump of Steve Blakes body disturbing his sleep? Maybe it is just because of all those very things. Maybe he feels disconnected and unreal and neutered by booksmarts and fame, and ETan is Black Rapunzel trying to lower dreads down to his peeps from top of his ivory tower.

Did u read "The Invisible Man"?? No , not the Jim Lynam guide to seducing virgins, but the book by Ralph Ellison?
Neither did wizznutzz, but we heard the audiobook read by Jim Dale, and in the Invisible Man there is a narrator and he has no name. I'll call him "Johnny Reboulet". SO Johnny Rebs is a young blackman years back and he strives and strives to climb out of his mothering hut of inequality and he gets awarded scholarship to a fancy college by the white man but he has this dream that when he opens scholarship it is really a letter and it says... "Keep that Nigger Boy Running"

Maybe this is Etans fear that all his successes in education and edutainment is just part of white conspiracy to divert the smart black man into safehouse of thoughts and letters so he doesnt cause any trouble, so he dont rally the troops, so he dont sell $15 fair-trade sneaks, so he dont run for Gov or run the banks and so he will listen to Huey Lewis and not Huey Newton?

Maybe Etan wants to stir his brothers to action, but finds he cant speak their language anymore. ANd finds instead that he is caught is the pliant contradictory space of the modern black man: authentic vs inauthentic, resistance vs participation, Gucci vs RocaWear!
He goes to move the crowd by unpacking his backpack raps, but he looks around and what does he see? XXXL feminized playas in denim PJs and puffy coats and retarded Nike string satchel bags, the beta testers for late-capitalism, MAD. Avneue's coal mine canaries, and he thinks about what Antoine de Saint-Exupery sayz: "Are we making chewing gum for men or men for chewing gum?" and he weeps. I mean have you seen those Nike string packs? They are so flimsy You cant even carry a book in one of those let alone a black mans burden or your ancestors struggles. the struggle could just reach its hand out the pack, undo the cord, and get up inside your North face and start texting your woman!

And maybe he feels the same way about the NBA. In "The Invisible Man", Johnny Reboulet gets his scholarship by winning a contest called the BATTLE ROYAL. No thats not when Royal Ivey had bad Indian food! It was a contest where a bunch of black men were taken into a room full of rich white dudes, and they had to put on white blindfolds and have a humiliating brawl so whiitey could laugh at them reduced to savages. Maybe Tan feels NBA is a grotesque Battle Royal, and NBA players are no more than postmodern primitive edutainment and that DSTern has to always finetune his exotic circus aka The Association thru discipline so it wont become a White Flight Simulator??

But maybe thats all like Scoop Jackson or executive nachos washed down with Capri Sun and vodka: too much too stomach. And maybe ETAN actually secretly enjoys to think thats all the case, cause its romantic to think of himself as part of the great struggle and he misses the old days of uprise and the cause and protest and panthers and sermons and he mistakes his NBA blog for the steps of the Lincoln memorial and hes just a reenactor and a revolutionary cratedigger and thats why he thinks Gil Scott Heron's grocery shopping lists are poetic TRUTH and why he only plays the same few game cartridges for his old Atari over and over: Soul On Ice Hockey, Tommie Smiths Ghetto Defender, March On Washington RPG and Activisions Sit-In . while all new kids went out and got Intellivisions and are rolling over hi scorez in TJJAKES Online Godpoker and Call Of Duty: The S1Ws And the Battle for Dusseldorf?

because maybe Etan is speaking a dead language to them, sure its a colassal language but the dinosaurs and gheorge muresan were colussal and there is a reason Shakira doesnt speak Latin!!!!!!

Perhaps Etan is angry because he likes to think he's in a Battle Royal, while in reality hes just in a lockerroom battle between James Lang and Gilbert over some deoderant.

Etan wants to be in Ralph Ellison's world but really hes just in Pervis Ellisons!

Maybe fame and college degrees means Etan has arrived, but maybe their is no joy in arrival. Look at ABBA on the cover of "ABBA ARRIVAL".
They are in a cool expensive helicopter sure, but it is a grounded helicopter, and they are just 4 untouchable Swedes stuck inside a glass bowl. Yes they should be happy in their fur coats, but look how glum they are, because the real thrill is the hunt - the spoils are just dead pelts.

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Wednesday, November 01, 2006
 

Brenda Haywood is whimpering because Tan Tan beat him out for starting center. Or more better, his pooptacular agent, Andy Miller, is covering for the pink-pantymaster and crapping out phrases like, "I'd like to seem him treated with the optimum level of respect, and that's not going to happen in Washington. I don't know how this situation is going to unfold." And the dinger von corporal klinger, "I don't know. Maybe [Eddie Jordan] has a problem with my clients."

SO TRU!!!

Coach Sharpie DOES have a problem with Chucky Atkins, Jared Jefferies, and Ancient Anthony Peeler -- all former Wiz who did not scarf a half-smoke so much as ssssssuck it!!! AND YET WZZNTZZ LOVE ALL WIZARDBULLETS EQUALLY AND WITHOUT MERIT!!! Come back, Mon Chi Chi!!!

Still...
Job extension = EJ.
Traded/released = Miller turds.
Score one for the in-vitro farm!!!

Agent Brenda Scarn, seeing that his days on Fun Street are numbered like Tom Knott's days on earth (cholesteral + Moonies = BIG ONE ELIZABETH), has started a side business in conjunction with the VErizon Centre's (english spelling!!!) Executive Nachos stands: HAYWOOD'S HAY HAY ROG'S PINK PANTIES. Available in Steve Blake and Grannie panny sizes.

Brenda Haywood's...
...favorite drink
...favorite movie
...favorite confession

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posted by wizznutzz
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Friday, March 10, 2006
 


I watched the WizHeat game the other night with spanish commentators but an L is a L and a nut is a nut, except in spanish when its a "tuerca", amigos! I dont understand spanish but last nite the guys kept yelling "PANTALONES EN EL PISO" and "¡DAGA!" -- anyone know what that means???

But i didnt need to hear what i see with my eyes, wizard D giving up more back doors that Jahidi White at the Teddy Bears picnic! Sure Shaq is a great big greedy guts and Mike Doleac looks uncomfrtable since he left Gipetto's workshop and Antoine Walker is whoreface and Kenny Loggins has anorexia but Heat have our number and that number is 1-800-555-SOMEBODYPLEASEHITDWADEINTHEPENIS.

Wiz were tired from back2back and playing soft so EJord put in the BTeam, and the BTeam, well they BReal!Those Guys have paid their dues, and andray blatche pays his dues with SLENDER TENDER my friends. Donnell Taylor though, donnell, like Juan Dixon, you are TOO confident, like Jim Rome and Billy Bush and Hitler. Donnell needs more minutes but minutes in the Mothering Hut.

But what we gotta talk about right now is
ETAN THOMAS.

Lets talk.

ETAN INCITE #1:

A few weeks ago there wuz rumors everywhere about the wizards going to trade Etan Thomas.
The rumors said etan not getting minutes and he doesnt fit into the run and gun game style (which people still call "Princeton Offense" even though it is opposite of Princeton offense - no passes, no whites - but Eddie Jordan and Pricneton Offense forever connected in our minds like Ham + Swiss, Kwame + Salieri, Ruland + Gerbils)
But Etan has been with the team the longest, he is heart and soul, and I know guys arent crazy about showering with a Poet, but NBA has "dont ask dont tell" policy on poets so NO PROBLEM.

No one ever asked Etan his thoughts on this, but thats cuz Etan is like a lion, like Aslan, and like Wittgenstein says "If a Lion could talk, we would not be able to understand him".

Were the rumors even tru? No one will know. The only trade rumour that was even possible under the salary rules was Etan Thomas for Dylan Thomas and cash, but the trade was shot down cuz Dylan Thomas scored a 7 on the Wunderlic Test* and is allergic to shorts.

-----

*Sample Answer from Dylan Thomas' wunderlic test

14. Assume the first two statements are true. Is the final one:
1. true, 2. false, 3. not certain?
Tom greeted Beth. Beth greeted Dawn. Tom did not greet Dawn.


Answer:
Dead men naked they shall be one
With the man in the wind and the west moon


(same answer as Tyrone Lue gave!)

ETAN INCITE #2:

Then we hear Etan gets into blows with Brendan Haywood!

Well we know it must of been a quick fight for one thing. A, because weve seen Etans game: passive non-resistance, and B, bvecause of the way BHaywood backpeddles like a unicyclist during timez of conflict. Brendan haywood is so much like Mister Softee that when he goes to the loo he swivels his hips so he can deliver his number 2s like soft-serve.
Plus Brendan used to call Etan "Mister Presidente" before there was the real electionn that swept gilbert into office.

So why the bad blood?

They said it was just onje of those things, like when Jerry Stackhouse clocked CLaettner on the team plane during a card game, because CLate left beard trimmings in Stacks beach rental from his sunday gathering of the Church of the Machosensual Sciences. CLate protested that "on the 8th day, God groomed" while Stack says "that 8th day is still on my rental agreement" and CLate sdays "thats not what she said" and Stack: "lemme show you how I strangled her" and Jeff Macinness ran to the bathroom and slid down the door and wept like Glen Close.

Whats most definuitely goin on here is a lack of team discipline. this wouldnt have happened when Jahidi White was here because he was an enforcer whjo not only set the borrowing prime rate for Kools, but ruled with a meaty fist.
And there was no problems with fights when Peter LOST COLONY Ramos was in the showers thats for damn sure.

We like to say manute Bol is like the Sudan's Muhammad Ali but without the integrity or physical strength,
well Captain John Ramos is like the Puerto Rican Max Schmeling!
Ever hear about any fights during Roanoke Dazzle practices? I didnt think so. Party John once ordered a "code red" on Seth Baliboa like in a Few Good Men cause Seth "moved my pruno"


ETAN INCITE NUMBER #3 : THE FINAL INCITE


SCOOP JACKSONS VERY SPECIAL BLACK HISTORY MONTH TRUIBUTE TO ETAN THOMAS!

the wizznutzz are in pliant awe of this article!
its simply extraordinary.
We insist everyone: go read this masterpiece right now, from start to finish, then come back...

I KNOW!

OK lets analize the genius of scoop jackson.

FIRSTLY
scoop reveals to us the incredible uniqueness of Etan,

a black man who:

-is PRO affirmative action!
-is AGAINST the war!
-DOES NOT trust republicans!
-is FOR isolationist foreign policy!

SECONDLY
yeah thats a profound portrait but scoop jackson has something WAY more important he wants u 2 know. And that is....
SCOOP IS BLACK!

Has there ever been anything so insisting and desperate to convince you of its blackness. NO. Wait yes, that Al Jolsen ringtone Scott Skiles used to carry on his cellphone.

From the way he writes, By god , Scoop jackson must be the blackest man alive!!!!!!!!! In fact Scoop jackson may be the first man ever to WRITE IN BLACKFACE!
That TAPA TAPA TAPA on his keyboard when he writes? Thats THE SOUND OF BLACKNESS! You know hes black cause he quotes old rappers and uses free verse and writes like hes talking out loud and has more street-smart segways than a dot com sack race! Scoop hips and hops and drops knowledge, hes an ideas man like HL MENCKEN but hes ALSO a soulman, like DL HUGHLEY!

How does he do it?

well Scoop carries with him the 3 essential reference materials that any sassy spoken-word black sports journo needs:

1. Liner notes to a Common CD
2. Boggle
3. A copy of the black thesaurus.

Whats a black thesaurus you say? Why Its Roget's - Roget Moseley's Black Thesaurus, 7th Edition, thats what.

Then Just when you think Scoop is as black as is possible, he brings up DuBois' 'double consciousness":


Two points to him is secondary, but he doesn't just ball for the check. He loves the game too. That's the duality of DuBois he must live.

What does that mean? What it means is that black people always have a split personality, there is the second part of them that is self conscious and aware of their blackness in a world where they are racially SNUBBED. Scoop is got it all wrong of course, hes talking bout a doublness not a duality, etan likes playing hoops AND getting paid! BUT DuBois knew, DuBois knew this firsthand, because on Benson, Benson DuBois was the only black person working for the governor and even though he was the brains and ran the place and made all the good jokes, he could never escape the fact of his blackness. Even thopugh Benson got good japes at Kraus' expense, he must have envied her her sense of completeness. Confusing? Ill tell you how DOuble COnsciousness works in Scoop Jackson's world:

Scoop walks into the changing rooms at ESPN's Bristol campus, and as he heads to his locker, Berman walks out of the showers and Berman walks up to the scales, steps on, drops his towel, looks at Scoop and says "Hi Hootie" and Scoop dies a miniature death


THIRDLY

Scoop Jackson is the best writer ever. Not even Tom Knott can molest prose like Scoop. We dont care that Harold Bloom called Slam poetry "the death of art." Whats not to like! Scoop talks about Baobabs (the african bacon tree) and hes enthusiastic and spells awesome. His editor lets him move words around like a hamster. Maybe his editor is a hamster. We say about SPorts Writing, its like the nursery song, "When its very very good, its good, and when its good its awful". dont know why we say that really.

Scoop is like the black ernest hemmingway sometimes, with his terse mannered sentences which make him sound profound:


The "it takes a village to raise a child" children. The village voices. He is among them in voice.

In principle. In theory.

But not in reality.

But you think hemingway could then trun around and flip a sentence like this??:


He's the only one who makes noise about it, he's the only one who Public Enemy's it to the public's enemies. Which is what makes him -- he, E -- so needed and so important. Because in a world of Terminator Xs, we all need a little Chuck D in our lives.

A little philosophy. A little BDP. A little ...

... introduction to poetry.

NO he couldnt because Scoop is like Benson also, 2 fold, a minimalist like hemmingway, but also a black afro-maximalist, bitches.

SPeaking of Hemmingway reminds me of an exclusive Hemmingway story we publsihed on WIzznutzz last yuear and we reprint here in expanded form wioth new bonus sentences!


"CURIOSITIES IN BERN"
by Ernest Hemmingway


Darvin stood up and walked to the end of the station. Across, on the other side, were fields of grain and trees along the banks of the Ebro. Far away, beyond the river, were mountains. The shadow of a cloud moved across the field of grain and he saw the river through the trees.

'And we could have all this,' she said. 'And we could have everything and every day we make it more impossible.'
'What did you say?' said Darvin.
'We can have everything.'
'No, we can't.'
'We can have the whole world.'
'No.'
'We can go everywhere.'
'No, we can't. It isn't ours any more. I know I have a job to do, and I'm always going to be ready to do it. But they wont give me the chance. They send me away. They send me to play Chinamen. I'll play Chinamen.'
'Chinese'
'What?'
'They like to be called Chinese.'
'I'll play squirrels.'
'It can still be yours Darvin'
'No, it can't. And once they take it away, you never get it back. It's not been easy to sit so much this season, but I have no complaints. '
'But they haven't taken it away.'
'They want me to come in and be a spark for this team and that's exactly how I want to play.'
'Come on back in the shade,' he said. 'You mustn't feel that way.'
'They won't look me in the eye now.'
'You don't mean that. We will get some drinks. Don't think about it anymore.'
'I can't even go home. Home to Saginaw. My mother. Stares at me. That way. She is the Mayor.'
'She is your mother. It will be OK. Everything will be like it was.'
'Saginaw has hills. The hills stare at me. Do you know that feeling? Phil Chenier does. The hills there, they are like hills of white bacon.'
'You aren't even making sense dear. Try and relax.'
'It is white.'
'I've seen the hills, yes they are white.'
'No the bacon. Turkey bacon. Its white.'
'You are hungry is all. I'll order us some sandwiches. Please stop pacing.'
'Hunger. Uniform Violation. Thats what they said it was. Just some cheese in my sock. Tucked in my tube sock. Show me where it says that."
'Please.'
'It was just String cheese.'
'Its not your fault.'
'No excuses. ' Darvin said. 'I just know things. I will get to contribute.'

Its was raining outside, and Darvin put on yesterdays clothes.

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posted by wizznutzz
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