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Tuesday, May 22, 2007
 
RONNIE MERVIS, The King Of Bling, the man who really feeds Latrell SPreewells family, the man who took Gherorghe Muresan's childhood coal collection and turned it into the 4 carat cufflinx Big George wore to the My Gaint premiere, has taken xtra precious time away from being the Diamond Dawg of the District to counsel Darvin ham in his time of need!!!!

RMerv even lavishes our V-I3 grade comment board!
Ronnie is a true king, his grace is flawless, he has big heart and is a good sport and is celebrity intern-for-life of wizznutzz. We hope this is beginning of special relationship of friends and maybe one day bizness partners??!!! You think we trust Pink Topaz 'Silence Equals Bacon" shirts to Donyell Marshalls chinatown jeweller???

So it is a shame that our next offseason profile focuses on a pretender to the throne, a bad sport and sworn enemy of the wizznutzz:

OFFSEASON PROFILE #2
MICHAEL 'SALIERI' JORDAN


aka

Learning to hate again

aka

'Te somnia nostra reducunt'

Salieri Michael Jordan

Longtime wizznutzz readers know our feelings about Salieri.

Let me make a summary for u if u dont:

Michael Jordan is a WHORE.
He is a bitter, adultering narcisitist, who awoke one day to find he had been eclipsed by his own shoes and to find his legend lay crumbled around his swollen feet in an Ozymandian rubble, and decided in moment of desperate grandiosity to ride into Washington DC on a tired mule, molest the small-handed genius and prized manchild KAWME BROWN with the bad touches of vile jealousy, climb into a burlap sack with a possum called "Legacy", emerge black-eyed and pink-slipped in defeat, flee town with a mob on his heel, leaving behind his icepacks and reputation and a city crushed by the heel of his ego and by humiliation and by a massive oversupply of uncooked concession meats.

Here is Premier Magazine's list of top 7 all-time most blatant celebrity VANITY PROJECTS:

7. Madonna's EVITA (1996)
6. Mariah Carey's Glitter (2001)
5. Melanie Griffith's Milk Money (1994)
4. Robert Duvall's Assassination Tango (2002)
3. Kim Yong Il's
Pulgasari (1985)
2. Michael Jordan's Washington Wizards (2001-3)
1. Minnie Driver's The Governess (1998)


(This list shouldnt be confused with Vanity Fair's list "Biggest Heads In Hollywood" which is a list of actual celebrity head weights. Its confusing because of word "Vanity" and also because Minnie Driver was #1 on that list too. Her head was so big they had to measure it using water displacement equipment Graydon Carter borrowed from his private equine vet.)

SO WHAT HAS SALLY BEEN UP TO???

In the good old days of the NBA we would never have heard from him again. If he was a star back in the 70s, when he retired, the league would own all the rights to his image and name, and MJ would have a musty room in a halfway house, sinking an already meager league pension into bad investment deals, and washing down his mexican arthritis medicine with one measure strawberry wine, 2 measures despair. Instead he's cashed up and all over the place these days, causing more of a scene than one of Mike Vicks dogs in the gameroom with a Kong full o greenies:


1. LE DIVORCE

Michael Jordan Divorce

Its back on!

Forbes calls MJs upcoming divorce 'costliest ever', wizznutzz calls it 'the first stone'

Costly indeed! Mad Money's Jim CRamer downgraded Malaysian Manufacturing Futures to "FLUSH" on hearing the news!

Details of the settlement are still being hammered out. In fact MJ has been in hi-powered talks with his legal team (see below foto) to determine how much of his estate he will be losing.

Michael Jordan WHoring

Early reports suggest Juanita will get 150 million and share joint custody of Leonard Hamilton, while MJ retains control over his insatiably empty heart, his collection of vintage chenille varsity letters (all strangely scarlet 'A's), his fathead wall sticker of Doug Collins, a shoebox of unopened letters from Michael WIlbon, 3 Million 'DIner Reward Points' redeemable at any area MVP Restaurant, Eddie Rush's black book, Kevin Bacon's underpants and the secret recipe to 'Jordan, By Michael' cologne (Juanita insisted the barrels, labelled 'Property of Bijan', be removed before mating season cuz they attract aggressive deer to the property)


Juanita released the following prepared statement through her lawyers:

"The hot night makes us keep our bedroom windows open.
Our magnolia blossoms. Life begins to happen.
My hopped up husband drops his home disputes,
and hits the streets to cruise for prostitutes,
free-lancing out along the razor's edge.
This screwball might kill his wife, then take the pledge.
Oh the monotonous meanness of his lust. . .
It's the injustice . . . he is so unjust--
whiskey-blind, swaggering home at five.
My only thought is how to keep alive.
What makes him tick? Each night now I tie
ten dollars and his car key to my thigh. . . .
Gored by the climacteric of his want,
he stalls above me like an elephant."


2. HANGING WITH TIGER WOODS

Michael Jordan Tiger Woods

How nice Salieri and Tiger are pals! Right!
This is just another in a long line of MJ's media-staged 'friendships' that r as genuine as a Space Jam screen kiss. Like when Mike used to 'hang out' with Michael Jackson in that JAM song like they was in an African American version of 'Perfect Strangers'!!



Did ya CHeck out another of MJs corporate populist 'FRIENDS' (TM): AHmad Rashaad in that video! ?!
A-Raad be SPortin' a circa 91 outfit fresh from SPike's Joint in Fort Greene!!

Wanna be friends with Michael Jordan? Heres how you do it:

A. Submit tax receipts from last 4 years to David Falk. He will use Net Worth calcualtor to determine if you r financially suitable mate

B. If you are rich but not rich enough to pass step A, then there is a one time 'BUY-IN' price set to ONE MILLION DOLLARS

Here is Dale Earnhardt presenting MJ with his friendship dowry at the recent NASCAR Nextel Open:


Michael Jordan Dale Earnhardt


Dale and MJ, now BFF4EVER*!!!
(*subject to annual maintenance charges and adjustment for inflation)


3. SPARRING PARTNERZ

Next, Sally headed to VEGAS (where no one bets '23-Black' when he's in town cuz of a local superstition

Mike took in the Merriweather De La Hoya fight:



Michael Jordan Jack Nicholson
MJ and Jack Nicholson try to suck each others souls out using the dementors kiss but find the wells are dry and have to order Executive Nachos instead to wash the ashy taste out of mouths.

Oscar De La Hoya
No wonder DeLa Hoya lost! Check out tha shoes!!
He's wearin custom Red Malay Tru-Pleather Air Brimleys!!!!
Say it aint so De La noSoul!!!!
Oscar's part of the 23MULEMAN stable!!


4. ACE OF CLUBS

SUperfan RAY sent us these pix of Michael Jordan recently in the K STREET LOUNGE trawling for future young adultresses!!!

Michael Jordan David Falk

He made sure to bring his superagent The Bird Of Prey to hand out condoms and confidentiality agreements

You would think MJ would have learned from THE LAST TIME HE WENT DOWN ON 'K STREET' !!!!




5. TY LUE MISTAKENLY WEIGHED IN WITH JOCKEYS




Next Salieri headed down to Kentucky for the derby where he attended Muhammad ALi VIP Reception w/ O-Town and Microfracture Jesus before introducing the sin of wagering to some impressionable 8th Graders.

Meanwhile MJs fave bookie, Jimmy 'The Rat' Lynam worked the rails in a pair of dust bowl overalls (boasting a bejwelled shamrock on the bib) and took numbers from drunk debutantes on his steno pad, eyeing the track cops while nervously popping lemon drops into his tight lips

6. LEROY

Michael Jordsn Ashanti

And FInally, last weekend MJ headed out to a celeb junket at the opening of Sol Kerzner's latest mauve stucco marine tax-shelter travesty: The Cove Atlantis on Paradise Island, to help celebrate Stevie WOnders birthday, lose a cool million and make the following widely reported move on young model Sara Kova

At Thursday's birthday party for Stevie Wonder at the Cove, [Kova] was taken aback when single-again Michael Jordan did a fast break in her direction. "He was walking so intensely, I was a little nervous," she recalls. "He said, 'Hi, who are you? I'm Leroy.' I knew he was Michael Jordan, but I played along. He asked if I wanted to come out on a boat with his friends. I passed on that one, but we did party together later at Aura."
-NY Daily News

'LEROY' ????

Is 'Leroy' MJs nom de whore???

WHy 'Leroy' ??
Names have riddles of meaning, like 'Hibachi' means 'Whats Cookin Okasan!' and "Kwame' is african for 'baby hands' and 'FALK' is 'Falcon' in Yiddish. (Its tru fact look it up.)

Well wizznutzz have got to the bottom of this.
How did we crack this secret code of yours MJ???
Like Woody Woodpecker floats to the smells of a hot windowsill pie, we pick up the scent of vanity and decay.

LEROY IS DERIVED FROM OLD FRENCH 'Le Roi' MEANING:

"THE KING"

WHich leads to next queastion:
What is french word for 'DOUCHE' ???

IS THIS REALLY THE BEAHVIOUR OF A KING???

SOme have a theory that Sally has been p-O.P.P.-ing up everyplace as part of cunning plan to raise profile of the Charlotte Bobcats but we know thats Jive and that Bob Johnson has actually just lifted 9-month social ban on MJ which he got as punishment for losing Jeff McInnis in a poker game.

Herez another Fench word for you,

"REVENANT"

it means a ghost that returns home after death many years later to haunt site of former glories, like Gene SHue hangin around the Green Turtle in college Park playing quarters and trying to score digits from sorority girls. Thats MJ: hanging around the league like an embarrasing expatriate frat boy. We wrote about it before, and so did Graham Greene and GDubs should know, cuz GDubs also wrote "I aint afraid of no ghosts!!!"

Salieri isnt a king, he is only an old kid playing king in the sand, building castles and when u build castles in the sand you get 2 things:

Sandcastles
and
an Empty Bucket

That empty bucket is the soul of michael jordan and just as time washes the hands of vanity, the high tide reclaims kingdoms built of sand and the empty bucket is left, listing on the edge of the shore in teasing winds, a big open empty eye forced to gaze forever upon the dreadful scene of endless sands, 'lone and level , boundless and bare', where no footprint survives the day, an open empty mouth upon whose hard salty lips the winds whistle "Is it in you?"


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Wednesday, May 31, 2006
 
HEADLINE! HEADLINE!

Gilbert Arenas Arrested!



AGENT ZERO IS PRISONER ZERO!!!



All hell breaks loose in SOuth Beach! Awvee Storey runs into traffic, Gilbert says "not without my daughter!", crowd screams "Hey look thats Gilbert Arenas! His butler has run into the street!" COPs shackle the President, Jared Jeffries drops to his knees and screams "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" but nobody hears him because Jared is in Vietnam with his dad on a summer trip and his dad has just sold him into a game of russian roulette for 10000 DOng!!!

"Hey Pops what are you doing, lets get out of here really im scared"
"Di-Di MAO!! Di-Di MAO!!"
"I dont know what that means Dad! The war is over dad, Please can we leave I dont like this!"
"MAO! MAO!"

SO WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!

Now knee jerk sports analists all over are slamming gilbert for saying "Im a basketball player you cant arrest me" taking his quote totally out of context, and Mike and Mike aka espns CHUBB AND CHASER radio duo giving Agent 0 the "just shut up award" - eff you windchumps, you have knee jerk incites, you only have 10 opinions in life and they are on a revolving sports Viewmaster(tm) and you just rotated the viewmaster to the picture that says "I HATE YOUNG BLACK MILLIONAIRES"

QUESTIONS:

1st of all, its 3 am Gilbert, shouldnt you be at home playing HAlo???!!!

Second,
"Im not leaving my teammate"????
What does he think this is, Red Dawn???
Its Awevee Storey!! Hes not your temmamte 4 much longer! in 2 weeks hes gonna be Lil' Reggie's teammate busboying at Appleebees!

What does Gilbert think this is some '06 Bonnie and CLyde shit??:

Look for me! Young, RV
Cruisin down the westside - high, way
Doing what we like to do - our, way
But today, I got my shortest Storey wit me
I'm mashin the gas, he's grabbin the wheel, it's trippy how hard
He rides with me - the new Bobby and Whitney
Only time we don't speak is during "West WIng"
He gets Presidential fever, but soon as the show is over
He's right back to being my soldier
Cuz Miami's a rider, and I'm a roller
Put us together, how they gon' stop both us?
What ever he lacks, I'm right over his shoulder
When I'm off track Miami is keepin me focused
So let's, lock this down like it's supposed to be
The '06 Bonnie and Clyde, Zee' and RV

Gilbert dont you know Bonnie and Clyde didnt end well? Warren Beatty got shot full of holes, and Faye Dunnaways fate was even worse, she married rock star Peter Wolf in 1974. A teenaged Jeff Ruland felt betrayed, and burned his J Geils denim jacket!!!!





Third:
"Resisting Without Violence"
What kind of charge is that?
If that was a real law theyd have evidence on Brendan Haywood to lock him away for life!
These r the kind of crap laws that cops are cracking down on ever since SHAQ muscled Gundy Van Sapien aka SGT BARGEARSE out of town and became sherriff!!


FOurth question:
Will the Black President pardon himself??

Fifth:
Why was Awvee Running into traffic for???

Was he trying to find his jump shot?
Did he miss sitting on a hard bench with other men?
Did he hear about the bumper vintage of Jahdi Whites Pruno reserva correctional wine???



Was he up 5 days straight with Agent Zero and zero winks playing Grand Theft Auto Vice City and thought he was still in the game simulacrum and could just boost a car?

Maybe he was trying to escape??? Was Agent Zero keeping him prisoner?
We know Gilbert has a history of violence against RV, like when he hosed him down on the crapper and when he drop kicked him for laughs. What was that all about? I say NO to prisoner theory, i think Gilbert was hazing RV or was just flirting with him in his Chikity Choko the Chocolate Chicken the Real Coq Diesel ways, because Gil would look to RV sitting there with the DNP dancers on the GROUP W bench with his 10 day contract and Gilbert developed a sweet old SNUB CRUSH on short Storey!!!

SIxth:
Is it true reports that say Gilbert had a massive maze of tattoos on his back and maybe this was like the show Prison Break and he had mapped out the escape in a tattoo to free Tru Wariors Chico Debarge and Rod Strickland?? No truth on this one says Miami PD, they say Chico and Rod are not in their jails and that Miami CSI checked the tattoos and they are actually the complete cheat codes for Banjo Kazooie . WHo knows the truth? I know the truth that in the Big House its better to be a 'BAnjo' than A 'Kazooie' if u know what Im saying!

WHO KNOWS WHAT GOING DOWN IN SOW BEACH???

One man knows

Thats right if anyone knows the criminal streets of Miami its GILBERT ARENAS SENIOR, former Miami Vice extra and current deep-cover very-plain clothes volunteer detective.

We have talked about Gilbert Seniors crime fighting ways in startling incites

HERE
HERE

and
HERE

Heres what Gil Senior had to say when we contacted him:

"OK first of all , I'm not going to say on the record that this is corruption, but like they say, 'If it smells like a duck...' and this one stinks. All I know is, if they were serious about this they would have ordered some speedboats. We all know this isn't about a couple of basketball players. This goes deeper than that. This goes to the drug lords, this goes all the way to Calderone. And anybody who knows a jai alai about Miami crime knows if you are going to bring down a drug lord, you're gonna need you some speedboats. They will deny it, but I'm on the case, deep cover. So deep sometimes I don't even know my own name. I'm gonna bring Calderone down. I can feel it coming in the air tonight oh Lord. Ive been waiting for this moment, all my life. It's gonna be like a Michael Mann movie you know, just two men locked in a battle, the hunter and the hunted. No wives, no girlfriends, no room for complications, because we are two men with a destiny like two uncaged animals. Two strong, cunning men, mano a mano, man on man. I will track Calderone through the streets, my streets, through the seediest back alleys of Miami. He will feel the hot weight of me bearing down behind him. I can see the sweat running down his back, breathing deep, the sole spotlight from a police chopper illuminates the steam rising of our full, dark lips. I can smell him, he knows whats coming, he's teased me but now he knows what's coming, I track him to the abandoned high school, through the halls, to the men's room. We are in the men's room now, I look under the stalls, I see nothing. But the hunt is reaching its end, I am swollen with anticipation. I kick open the first stall. Nothing. My nostrils flare. I kick open the second stall - nothing. The third, the fourth, my heart quickens. Finally just one final door stands between me and my flushed man quarry. I push the door open with my barrel.
"Turn around"
"You'll never take me"....

Just as Gil Sr guessed, The Miami PD does deny it!!!!!

"Mister Arenas is in no way affiliated with the Miami Police Department. He does not work in any capacity for any recognized law enforcement organization, now or ever. "Ronaldo Stubbs" is not an officer with the Vice Squad. Ronaldo Stubbs is not a real person. If the Miami Police Department was undertaking an undercover operation at this, or any other time, it would certainly not involve a 300 pound black man in pastel capris. Miami is a colorful place and Arenas is a big, colorful, guy. The tourists love his stories, and the kids like to see him talking into that big broken cellphone. But he knows the rules around here, NO police scanners, and NO hanging about in the public toilets."

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