Meantime we have to sit through game winning heroics and the drudgery of Sista Soulja crushing Shitsy SPitsy in the pliant cheeks of defense and waiting out Antawn Jamison scoring 28 three pointers in 9 seconds to beat the Clippz. All it takes is a sniff of the paint for Antawn to pleasure the net like he was Barry WHite ona butterfly hunt! Our boy can finger roll from 20 feet!
We love ANtawn but not as much as one of our readers.
His name is SuperFAN RAY and he is a superfan and founder of Kemp Mill Records and traded in the worlds largest collection of El DeBarge vinyl for his very own Mothering Hut custom creation:
CHECK OUT THE HANDSOME GENIUS!!!
Never has a man decorated his body with our words with such poignancy since Jimmy Oliver tattoeed 'INCITES 4 JESUS' on his breast!!!!
MEantimez the TALK of the Town was the BIG CARON BIRTHDAY BASH last weekend at Park on 14th.
Now we have been to a baller B'day bash in the park B4 , it was for Calbert Cheaneys 43rd BDay and was in Rock Creek Park, but this was bigger and ballier than anything we have seen.
Tuff Juice coulde asily have saved $$$ by hosting the party in one of his 18 Burger Kings but he didnt want no paper crowns this year, so he spent the big bucks, renting Bimbos and renting Lambos he spent over 250K is tha word.
Caron aint no Peter ANgelos when it come to building a winner. Peter U tell me Orioles are in a "rebuilding phase" ??!!!? No kidding, so is HAITI motherfuker!!!!
No Caron spends like Dan SNyder aka he spends like a russian prostitute!! The party was full of A-LISTERS!
Camren Electra! Kim Kardashian! Ray and Lavar!
Plus the top royalty of Rockville Pike were in the house:
DAN JR, the ex-con who was arrested for smuggling weed, and THE SON THAT HAS NO NAME that he fathered out of wedlock in 1983. (on the show they needed a name for him so they just call him "Potsie" since they already owned the rights from an old Happy Days syndication deal)
and they put ROGFER CLEMEN's 4 sons: KLU, KLAN, KLUX, and KLOSTERMAN
It didnt take long at the party for the boys to get into trouble. Britt got tossed after taking a fistfull of birthday cake before the candles was lit, and a drunk GARRETT challenged Etan Thomas to an arm wrestle and when Etan declined Garrett hurled a racial slur at him and started hurling beer bottles at antiques while the four Ks went looking to beat up BRIAN MCNAMEE who was in the mens room selling whippets. Lemme tell u what, in person, McNamee does not look like a personal trainer. when you think personal trainer u think Billy Blankity Blanks right? Brian McNamee dont look like no personal trainer, unless u r talking about HITLERS PERSONAL TRAINER
By the time the private party ended at about 1 AM, the crowd started to thin, but the ones who left early missed the best part of the night. Arenas, Antawn Jamison, and the rest of the team made their way to the fourth floor, where the Washington stars danced with a select group of ladies in a rope-enclosed area.
"here the Washington stars dance....in a rope-enclosed area"
Its just like the 1996 Bullets museum i have in my basement!!!
Also our fones were liting up all night with txt messages from BALLER ALERT
You know Baller Alert right? Its the sophisticated scoial networking site that connects young, wealthy and famous athletes with the angry, infectious groupies that stalk them in their wobbly cork Steve Maddens! You got to log in but its worth it since you will find our own Darvin Hams baller page!!!! Plus exclsuive incites like:
Yeah...I'm in town for the weekend so I stopped through because I like that spot. It was a hot sweaty mess (on the floor where Caron was). Yes...the groupies were in full action all colors, shapes, sizes, and gender too. I didn't get to scope much of the action because I couldn't stand too long in my new Zanotti's. It was nice though!!!!
and a two thousand word critique of party promoter Marc Barnes by someone called "Siren" who thinks she is the Pauline Kael of urban party reviewers.
It was through baller Alert that we got the following message from DANA, wizznutzz intern and registered sperm donor:
DARV im in touble help. I think I hit Llorenzo Will. wit my car. On purpose. He out cold. Call ambulance. No wait. call ambulance in 2 HOURS. Not for 2 hours. Tell them go my apt Chantilly Ill have LW. PS DARV party off hook. I tookk 3 box of wine out back put in GEO. If box left tomorrow I bring it peace L8 - D
Dave Zirin, the strong sports scribe who opens a black sportswrters B+B this summer in Staten Islaand with his adoptive dad the legendary Bob Lipsyte, has a long radio interview with Etan about poets and Mumia Abu-Jamal (we loved him in Cosby!) and demands Etan do a youtube duet with Pecherov of "The Revolution Will Not Be Televised"!!!!
But then the other shoe dropped. No not the limited edition Ike Austin/Laughing Cow collab CheeseCleat(tm), but the newz that Gil would be gone 3 months!!!!!!!! and the sun boiled and the wax melted and our wings fell away and we plunged back to earth screaming "Naaaaaaaa-choooooo o o o o o o o o o o.............."
We were desparate!!!!
we visited Jamie Motteram, our pastor at Christian Laettner's Divine CHurch of Machosensual Science, but when he answered the door his face was streaked with Kiehls product and tears, he didnt need to speak his grief, his overplucked eyebrows told us everything!!!!
We called our sponsor, Agent Steniz for counsel, but we just got the machine, it was Brandon Lloyds voice saying: "Sorry, my man Steinz cant come to the phone right now. My boy's too busy hi-liting passages from his old copy of Bridge To Terribithia and muttering to himself like some crazy motherfucker."
With our personal Patch Adams support team in a state of emotional breakdown, we did the only thing there was left to do:
We initiated the official Wizznutzz Doomsday Countdown(tm)!!!!
We worked quickly and methodically and without emotion executing the preparations.
Darvin was recalled from the Albuquerque Thunderbirds. He asked coach Ruland on the way out: "Do one thing for me Jeff. I want you to take care of my Momma OK Jeff" and Jeff said, "of course I will! Do I know you?"
By nightfall Circuit City was burning, Wizards team physician Dr. Barry Talesnick lay dead (he struggled WAAAY less than former trainer Steve Stricker!!), we had opened the specimen cages at the Abe Pollin In Vitro Farm, and we had moved into the backroom, slipped on our rare 4-pair of matching Jimmy Oliver gameworns (really, they are rare, Jimmy only played in 3 career games!), and slipped on our matching white sneakers, Adidas Gil II Zero X Customize (August wrote latin profanities on his with greasepen!), then we vaccinated Dana, and moved into the Mothering Hut with our tins of tainted meat, crimping pliers, a case of Capris Sun, a staple gun, a bale of jute woolpack, and Ledell Eackles...
and just as we were about to seal the door we paused and we thought....wait...
"What would Gil want us to do????"
and so we aborted the doomsday countdown (we just took the batteries out of the Simon machine) and broke up with our girlfriends and and fired up the Colecovision!!!!
THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO!!!!!
(Speaking of breaking up with girlfriends, it seems from his blog that Gilbert has something of a hands-off approach to parenting as in "get your hands of my mansion walls you weird little deadbeats!"
"Now she's back in California. You ask for space, you know, because everything feels closed in ... the house is dirty, the kids are drawing on the walls and on the couches and you're thinking, "Oh man, I can't do this. I'm not playing well and I'm coming home to all this."
RULE #1 KIDS:
DO NOT DRAW ON GILBERTS COUCH! !!! Gilberts couch is his bed is his throne is his home is his thinking place is his office is his Halo temple is his suede womb
We understand its hard gilbert, concentrating on your career in piece and quiet when you have to deal with the ruckus of your girlfriend taking care of your kids on the other side of your 28 room estate, so we have open offer to you gilbert:
You wanted to Collaborate with the wizznutzz, here is your chance!
Let us Raise your children!!!!!
We will turn the Wheaton Plaza Circuit City into a CIDER HOUSE RULEZ!!!! we will home school your kids gilbert and you can trust a good education of the finest in EDU-TRAINMENT(tm) available that will teach them unique skills that only we can teach them:
like how to not look GROKE in the eyes, and which Florida area strip clubs have a No Overcoat policy, and most vital: How To Melt Cheese in The WIld!)
We were disconsolate and feared the team was cursed and we feared total collapse from the Wizards, but like The Who album is called:
"THE KIDS ARE ALRIGHT"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Not the music album, but Pete Townshend's personal Flikr Album!!!!)
The last week has had many good games, lots of points, lots of discovering hidden talents like Caron's new threepee skill and Brendan Haywoods new skill of calling timeouts everytime he gets double-teamed.
There have also been lots of games against teams that have lots of Eurpoean talent, and european talent means lots of bony white guys with lesbian haircuts!!!!
I dont see that much pasty skin in a Hamburg youth hostel!
For Bobcats its not just euroze with the bad hair, check out that bench: Dudley, Davidson, McInnis - no wonder they cant win games they too busy braiding each other!!!! And Not even Emeeka Mouse could help the BKats cuz there are 9 words all wiz fans know spells victory:
"And MacInnis checks into the game for defensive purposes..."!!!
Then there was Golden State with ANdris Beidrins and Kosta "Kostco" Perovic. Some say "Goin Foreign" is great for the NBA but is it?? David Stern gets 10 million eastern european eyeballs (not to mention the foreskins), but all we get is this:
Then there was Memphis Grizzlies with euro-paeons Pow Gasol and our old friend and filthy greazy spanglish bear chaser and turncoat and former WizardJuan Carlos LA BOMBA Navarro.
oh "La Bomba", oh Por Favor!
Taking one look at JCN i know they should call his Madre "La Bomba" for hitting the sangria so dam hard during the pregnancy. I never seen such an advanced case of Foetal Alcohol Syndrome!!!
JCN was born with flippers for arms AND a five-o-clock shadow! Thats one hairy preemie!
And then there was a so sweet upset of Dallas in Dallas against the Great White Wurst Dirk Nowitzki. Superfan SASHA send us a awesome story about how this offseason DIRK went on a soul searching walkabout in the outback with an old "mostly bald" German mentor (provided in xchange 4 Qantas frequent flier points) so he could satisfy his wanderlust and arouse his Weltanschauung.
"He had come this far... surrounded by sagebrush and stiff yellow grass... "
And that was just the first day having a shower at Andrew Gazes!!!!!!
The article talks about how Dirk went to australia, (fun fact: did u know "austalia"= ABoriginal word for "Floating Turd"???) so he could follow ancient aboriginal tribal rites of "walkabout" ("loitering") . In aboriginal history, they say aborigines had "SONGLINES" which were songs and music that had codes in them that told the history and also mapped out their land, so they could hear the song and find their way home, kind of like how hidden inside Nils Lofgrens' "Bullets fever" is a Hot Shoppes locator map, if you just know how to listen right.
WE r winnin and grinnin bcuz All of the players have stepped to fill Gilberts production!!
Caron Butler spent the whole offseason camping with Brent Price in the mountains and when he came back down he was curious about so many things, but one thing he was most curious about: how he could now shoot tha 3-ball like a white baptist!!! Not only is Tuff Juice draining threepees like The Rature was a WNBA team, he is still the teams toughest ballers. Tuff Juice is like The Equalizer
"Got a problem? Odds against you? Call the Equalizer."
Meantime Antwan "Antawn" Jamison is scoring for 2 men. Ive never seen such an amazing variety of looping layins: Runners, Floaters, Finger Rolls, Tear Drops, Giant Killers, Soft Bombs, Rainbow Pots, Chip Shots, Silver Horseshoes, Hanging Judges, Til Tuesdays, Tender Mercies, Creeping Cheesewheels, Raised Eyebrows, Drag Chutes, Broken Slinkys, Randy QBerts, Johnny Reboulets....
Twan credits his heavenly flexible ways to taking up yoga in the offseason. Fortunately he didnt take his classes from former bullet and current plainclothes yoga instructor Kevin Duckworth, who teaches unique trademark yoga poses such as the "Flipped Tortoise" , "Corned Beef Salutation" and "Accessing The Hollywood" !!!
Meantime the young gunz are growing faster than recalled wet season CHia Pets in a Bangladeshi warehouse.
ANdray Blatche is like some kind of ninja iguana!!!
With his big lidless eyes, his low heart rate, his sly blending into his surroundings until the rock comes buzzing by and then THWAAAP!!!! out comes the tongue!!! out comes 2 tongues , two arm tongues, he can block the ball and taste it at the same damn time whatta creature!!!! when hes not like a ninja iguano hes like those giant dancing air puppets u see at car dealers, you know, like "MR EXCITEMENT", or "ACURA BLUEPUFF" or "LOGO TUBE" or the mysterious "COMMODORE...."!
Plus Andray Blatche has studied in the Japanese art of "AKIMBO". Kwame Brown was a master of Akimbo. Its the ancient technique of physical discipline where you can make your body parts too fast for your own mind!!
Nick Young: yo we call him "JANSPORT" . we just started csalling him that today. WHy do we call him Jansport? We call him Jansport because he has been asked at a young age to shoulder a heavy load, and because when you see him he has a bounce in his step and lots of youthful NRG but you can see he has lots of homework he has to take home and because whenever he is on the court, for better or for worse, you know someone is gonna end up getting schooled!!!
Darius Songalia has amazing hands and feet for a man who is built like a gamey slab of elk meat. He is like a reindeer carcass that has been enchanted by a lithuania sorceress!!
Oleksiy Pecherov: When I see the team clownin with Big Oily in videos like this it makes me think of the retarded kid character they have in nostlagic movies about italian americans growing up in the 50s. The other kids tease him sure, they get him to steal them candy, and they laugh at his slowness but they also love him and treat him like a real person in a way that science doesnt and show it by pooling their allowance and getting him a nice hooker played by an uncredited Marissa Tomei.
And finally the fearsome Brown Hornet, Antonio Daniels. My Man! AD is so old school. He is fearless and attacking, with a lurchy churchy swag, he is man who is throwback to days when black man walked through violence and chaos on the corner every day. He flies into the flagrant fire, then struts to the foul line with his badass ethiopian profile like he just slayed a tiger, like hes emerging cool from tha flames of a race riot with the sign around his neck that reads: