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Monday, February 16, 2009
 
Michael

I hope everyone enjoyed "Black Thanksgiving" this weekend!

To celebrate, we present you with a special TRIO OF FREE
ALL-STAR JAMS!


First up:

"NBA ALL STARS"

Ultramagnetic MCs
Smack My Bitch Up : Tuff City : 1989




This 1989 All-Star tribute from Kool Keith and the Ultramagnetic MCs is nothing if not thorough, giving props to everyone from '89s big game, from the assistant coaches to the great, late Kevin Duckworth (RIP)

"Kevin Duckworth, dominating the Earth as the middle man, dominating every little man, back and forth down the low post with the slam, pulverizing the hoop cause he's an all-star."



. . . . . . . . . .

Next Up:

"I HATE 2 BRAG"

Shaquille O'Neal
Shaq Diesel : Jive : 1993




Not so rare but our fave track from everyones fave All Star peformer, Shaq Daddy! Mike Wilbon aka Father MC just wrote a sweet tribute to big Shaq. We all love Shaq, for his larger than life clowning, his respect for authority, for his bonhomie (its french for "good homie"!). I Hate 2 Brag is Shaq at his boasting best, he's like Ali for the UPN Generation!

I Can Flow Like Pee Coming Out Your Know What
Or Some Dookie Diarrhea Coming Out Ya Butt


Those are the titest baller rimez since C-Webb rhymed "Jerome Bettis" with "Lettuce"!!!!

. . . . . . . . . .

And finally....

"WE BE BALLIN' (Street Mix)"


Ice Cube, Shaq and Michael Jackson
12" Single : A&M Records : 1997
Unreleased NBA Campaign




This supa-rare slammin cut was supposed to be released on an NBA Compilation album in 1998 and also be used  in the NBA "I Love This Game" commercials but then the strike happened and Rod STrickland bought a gold hot dog cart and Commissioner STern decided to get serious about the league's "negro problem" and killed it!!!!!!

This song is a real piece of sports history. The late 90s was the peak time for the NBA and NFL bankrolling sham big league "collaborations" drummed up by marketing departments and PR teams and buzz analists. Just throwing these big musical names together with no rime or reason except to mate demographics like they were bonobos or columbia maryland divorcees and not real people. The SUper Bowl is the worst offenderz with their halftime mashup spectaculars of Aerosmith and Run DMC and Britney SPears. Hey viewership down among the old, the sad, and the urban nihilist mimes? Get me the agents for James Taylor and the Insane Clown Possee!!!! But in real life if you throw acts like this into a bright cage u end up compromising them both and pissing off both their fans. I mean I like Ladysmith Black Mombazo and Amy WInehouse as much as the next guy but i dont want to see them harmonizing with Jason Sehorn at media day. U aint gonna cross over the fans that way, you gonna totally kross em out!!!!

But thats no the reason the league killed this marvel. here are the reasons:

Reason One:

Ice CUbe! In 98 Ice CUbe was still angry, and also still black. It was before he was making friendly Disney fart comedies and was the same year he put out a record with songs like "If I Was F*ckin' You", "Cash Over Ass" and "Ghetto Vet". And this was also the time when David Stern was staying up night in his pajamas having first thoughts about making an NBA Dress Code, a dress code that would specifically stamp out "hip hop culture" and Timberlands and the payback lynchings of rich white men.

Reason Two:

Michael Jacksons really creepy chorus, where he deploys a verbal twist and turns "Ballin" from something you do with other dudes into something you force upon them. Ballin as atrocity!

Nothin' You Can Say
'Aint Nothing You Can Do

We Be Ballin' You
We Be Ballin' You


Who hearing this chorus cant help but think of a little child cowering under his bed at Bad Touch Mansion hearing this song coming from the hall and hearing the footsteps and sliding into the sickly sweet swoon of pepsi and wine and knowing the end of innocence is nigh????

And keep in mind that in 98 Mike Jackson was at the heights of his normalcy. Before the trials, before the nose fell off, before the Bahranian Witness protection program. He was still a pop star and Americas most wholesome shemale!!!! Who would have thought in 1998 that 10 years later if u were a mom you would rather your kids spend a weekend with Cube than with Jacko???

But in the 90s Michael Jackson was money in the bank and the NBA kept desperately trying to get him in the mix. They kept insisting he was a typical black kid who had game like in this video where he plays one-on-one against Michael Jordan. Im not sure what gives Jacko away, his slap-happy dribbling or his loafers and athletic Esprit orange poplin blouse? You can tell even in these old photos that Jacko dont be ballin'. Yes sure there is a time each day when there is ballin' at Neverland Ranch. U when that time is? Its when the little little hand touches the big hand!!! Oh snap Annie R U OK smooth criminal!!!!

CHECK OUT MORE BALLER BEATS FROM C-WEBB, T-NES, AKEEM and many more over at GOD SHAMMGODS MIXTAPE!!!!


Michael please tell me about Kevin bacons underpants!


Michael

michael jackson

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Monday, February 09, 2009
 
Last week we presented our suggestions for improving All-Star weekend.

Well today we have even more!!!!!!

Courtesy of new intern CHRIS MILLER!!!!

Chris has an impressive resume: we met him on the RideOn, he was driving it, and he gave us his business card and it said on it:

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Chris Miller
America's First White Sportswriter

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


We were very impressed!

Here are Chris' ideas for new All Star Events:


Limo Shoot Off
Round I - Pairs of NBAers try to shoot bottles of Cristal off heads of Eastern European limo drivers lined up at half court
Round II - In separate, sound-proof booths, each team member has one minute to give their version of what happened in Round I. Answers compared by host city police for discrepancies in time line, etc... Plaxico Burress, Mark Furman and Phil Spector are celebrity judges.

EuroZone Stars of Tomorrow
Five-minute exhibition scrimmmage featuring 10 top Eastern European 17 year-olds. All 10 play offense simultaneously, no defense.

Free Agent Limbo Contest, by Priceline.com
In a crossover promotion with MLB and Priceline, Manny Ramirez and Stephon Marbury have a limbo-off, while fans text in bids for their services, starting with "Stephon Marbury can paint my house for $300."

Chris Gatlin Salary Cap Number Retired
To teach the newest generation of NBA fans about the struggles of the early days of the salary cap system, the All-Star weekend will honor Chris Gatlin. Without Gatlin's salary, perfectly sized to level up the cap hits of swapping starting players, no trade would have been possible in the NBA from 1993 to 2001. His record of playing for 38 NBA franchises in 1998, including both sides of Game 3 of the Nets-Heat playoff series after a rare half-time trade, will likely never be broken. His cap number of $822,467.83/remaining games in the season will be retired.

Feed My Family Cook-Off
Latrell Sprewell gives rookies one hour, a theme ingredient and $78 million to prepare dinner for a family reunion.


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posted by wizznutzz
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Thursday, February 05, 2009
 
all star nba logo

The NBA announced last week that they are going to nerd up spice up this years All Star weekend with games of H-O-R-S-E. Its true: the All-Star game has grown staler than an Abe Pollin cake. The league has been tinkering with the program for years, trying to liven things up, but we just don't think HORSE is the answer.

Well the ESPN TRUEHOOP NETWORK INCITE MACHINE has come up with a banging list of suggestions for All Star weekend!!!!

CHECK EM OUT HERE!

Then check out our suggestions below:


SEAN KEMP FATHER & SON 2-BALL
NBA father and sons compete in a 2-on-2 tournament.
Potential teams include: "Jellybean" and Kobe Bryant, Bill and Luke Walton, Stan and Kevin Love, Henry and Mike Bibby, Dolph and Danny Schayes, Rick and Jon or Brent Barry.

Winning team invited to the WNBA All-Star Game to play an exhibition match against Pamela and JaVale McGee.


"C-R-A-B"
Similar to H-O-R-S-E but players must execute 3 steps before each shot attempt.


THE NEW YORK POST HOOP SKIRT PAGEANT
Young female hopefuls compete for the chance to be selected as Stephon Marbury's summer intern.


MASCOT PENTATHALON
NBA players compete against defending champion Gilbert Arenas in five mascot disciplines:

-Trampoline Dunk Contest
-Timed Burrito Handout
-Trike Race
-T-Shirt Gun Rafter Shoot
-Shoplifting in Costume



gilbert arenas trampoline


"DAGGER!"
Based on a game every boy loved to play growing up.
Players compete in a full court 1-on-1 competition, with a 4 second shot clock.
Contestants are required to do their own running play-by-play commentary.

THE JIMMY THE GREEK ASPERGERS SKILLS CHALLENGE
TV commentators try to out do each other in an uncomfortable roundtable on the "physiology of race in basketball".


SKINS GAME
Another twist on the game of H-O-R-S-E, featuring 5-on-5 prize-money match play between circumcised All-Stars and their uncircumcised rivals.


"ENTOURAGE"
An anything goes, round robin battle-royal between All-Star entourages.
There is no limit to the number of participants.
Angry moms may tag in from the crowd at anytime.


PAIRS FREESTYLE
NBA players partner with rapper friends in a unique 2-on-2 contest. On the court, the players face off in a traditional 1-on-1 competition, while their respective rap stars engage in a sideline dis track battle. Rappers alternate on the mic based on which player has possession of the ball. Game continues until one of the rappers retires.

Confirmed teams: DeShawn Stevenson and Proverb, LeBron james and Jay-Z, Chris Webber and Nas, Chris Paul and Lil' Wayne, Kenyon Martin and Trina.

Old-timers division: Cedric Ceballos and Sadat X, Charles Oakley and Atlantic Starr.


and finally, please bring back the....

ALL-STAR MEDIA SHOWER!!!!
Member of the press strip down for group shower, while the athletes fire questions at them. Simulcast in Spanish!




.. .. .. .. .. .. ..

NEW! BONUS EVENTS from wizznutzz intern CHRIS MILLER:

Limo Shoot Off
Round I - Pairs of NBAers try to shoot bottles of Cristal off heads of Eastern European limo drivers lined up at half court
Round II - In separate, sound-proof booths, each team member has one minute to give their version of what happened in Round I. Answers compared by host city police for discrepancies in time line, etc... Plaxico Burress, Mark Furman and Phil Spector are celebrity judges.

EuroZone Stars of Tomorrow
Five-minute exhibition scrimmmage featuring 10 top Eastern European 17 year-olds. All 10 play offense simultaneously, no defense.

Free Agent Limbo Contest, by Priceline.com
In a crossover promotion with MLB and Priceline, Manny Ramirez and Stephon Marbury have a limbo-off, while fans text in bids for their services, starting with "Stephon Marbury can paint my house for $300."

Chris Gatlin Salary Cap Number Retired
To teach the newest generation of NBA fans about the struggles of the early days of the salary cap system, the All-Star weekend will honor Chris Gatlin. Without Gatlin's salary, perfectly sized to level up the cap hits of swapping starting players, no trade would have been possible in the NBA from 1993 to 2001. His record of playing for 38 NBA franchises in 1998, including both sides of Game 3 of the Nets-Heat playoff series after a rare half-time trade, will likely never be broken. His cap number of $822,467.83/remaining games in the season will be retired.

Feed My Family Cook-Off
Latrell Sprewell gives rookies one hour, a theme ingredient and $78 million to prepare dinner for a family reunion.

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posted by wizznutzz
OUR FAMOUS MOTHERING HUT T-SHIRTS
PERMALINK | | RSS Feed