But then the other shoe dropped. No not the limited edition Ike Austin/Laughing Cow collab CheeseCleat(tm), but the newz that Gil would be gone 3 months!!!!!!!! and the sun boiled and the wax melted and our wings fell away and we plunged back to earth screaming "Naaaaaaaa-choooooo o o o o o o o o o o.............."
We were desparate!!!!
we visited Jamie Motteram, our pastor at Christian Laettner's Divine CHurch of Machosensual Science, but when he answered the door his face was streaked with Kiehls product and tears, he didnt need to speak his grief, his overplucked eyebrows told us everything!!!!
We called our sponsor, Agent Steniz for counsel, but we just got the machine, it was Brandon Lloyds voice saying: "Sorry, my man Steinz cant come to the phone right now. My boy's too busy hi-liting passages from his old copy of Bridge To Terribithia and muttering to himself like some crazy motherfucker."
With our personal Patch Adams support team in a state of emotional breakdown, we did the only thing there was left to do:
We initiated the official Wizznutzz Doomsday Countdown(tm)!!!!
We worked quickly and methodically and without emotion executing the preparations.
Darvin was recalled from the Albuquerque Thunderbirds. He asked coach Ruland on the way out: "Do one thing for me Jeff. I want you to take care of my Momma OK Jeff" and Jeff said, "of course I will! Do I know you?"
By nightfall Circuit City was burning, Wizards team physician Dr. Barry Talesnick lay dead (he struggled WAAAY less than former trainer Steve Stricker!!), we had opened the specimen cages at the Abe Pollin In Vitro Farm, and we had moved into the backroom, slipped on our rare 4-pair of matching Jimmy Oliver gameworns (really, they are rare, Jimmy only played in 3 career games!), and slipped on our matching white sneakers, Adidas Gil II Zero X Customize (August wrote latin profanities on his with greasepen!), then we vaccinated Dana, and moved into the Mothering Hut with our tins of tainted meat, crimping pliers, a case of Capris Sun, a staple gun, a bale of jute woolpack, and Ledell Eackles...
and just as we were about to seal the door we paused and we thought....wait...
"What would Gil want us to do????"
and so we aborted the doomsday countdown (we just took the batteries out of the Simon machine) and broke up with our girlfriends and and fired up the Colecovision!!!!
THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO!!!!!
(Speaking of breaking up with girlfriends, it seems from his blog that Gilbert has something of a hands-off approach to parenting as in "get your hands of my mansion walls you weird little deadbeats!"
"Now she's back in California. You ask for space, you know, because everything feels closed in ... the house is dirty, the kids are drawing on the walls and on the couches and you're thinking, "Oh man, I can't do this. I'm not playing well and I'm coming home to all this."
RULE #1 KIDS:
DO NOT DRAW ON GILBERTS COUCH! !!! Gilberts couch is his bed is his throne is his home is his thinking place is his office is his Halo temple is his suede womb
We understand its hard gilbert, concentrating on your career in piece and quiet when you have to deal with the ruckus of your girlfriend taking care of your kids on the other side of your 28 room estate, so we have open offer to you gilbert:
You wanted to Collaborate with the wizznutzz, here is your chance!
Let us Raise your children!!!!!
We will turn the Wheaton Plaza Circuit City into a CIDER HOUSE RULEZ!!!! we will home school your kids gilbert and you can trust a good education of the finest in EDU-TRAINMENT(tm) available that will teach them unique skills that only we can teach them:
like how to not look GROKE in the eyes, and which Florida area strip clubs have a No Overcoat policy, and most vital: How To Melt Cheese in The WIld!)
We were disconsolate and feared the team was cursed and we feared total collapse from the Wizards, but like The Who album is called:
"THE KIDS ARE ALRIGHT"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Not the music album, but Pete Townshend's personal Flikr Album!!!!)
The last week has had many good games, lots of points, lots of discovering hidden talents like Caron's new threepee skill and Brendan Haywoods new skill of calling timeouts everytime he gets double-teamed.
There have also been lots of games against teams that have lots of Eurpoean talent, and european talent means lots of bony white guys with lesbian haircuts!!!!
I dont see that much pasty skin in a Hamburg youth hostel!
For Bobcats its not just euroze with the bad hair, check out that bench: Dudley, Davidson, McInnis - no wonder they cant win games they too busy braiding each other!!!! And Not even Emeeka Mouse could help the BKats cuz there are 9 words all wiz fans know spells victory:
"And MacInnis checks into the game for defensive purposes..."!!!
Then there was Golden State with ANdris Beidrins and Kosta "Kostco" Perovic. Some say "Goin Foreign" is great for the NBA but is it?? David Stern gets 10 million eastern european eyeballs (not to mention the foreskins), but all we get is this:
Then there was Memphis Grizzlies with euro-paeons Pow Gasol and our old friend and filthy greazy spanglish bear chaser and turncoat and former WizardJuan Carlos LA BOMBA Navarro.
oh "La Bomba", oh Por Favor!
Taking one look at JCN i know they should call his Madre "La Bomba" for hitting the sangria so dam hard during the pregnancy. I never seen such an advanced case of Foetal Alcohol Syndrome!!!
JCN was born with flippers for arms AND a five-o-clock shadow! Thats one hairy preemie!
And then there was a so sweet upset of Dallas in Dallas against the Great White Wurst Dirk Nowitzki. Superfan SASHA send us a awesome story about how this offseason DIRK went on a soul searching walkabout in the outback with an old "mostly bald" German mentor (provided in xchange 4 Qantas frequent flier points) so he could satisfy his wanderlust and arouse his Weltanschauung.
"He had come this far... surrounded by sagebrush and stiff yellow grass... "
And that was just the first day having a shower at Andrew Gazes!!!!!!
The article talks about how Dirk went to australia, (fun fact: did u know "austalia"= ABoriginal word for "Floating Turd"???) so he could follow ancient aboriginal tribal rites of "walkabout" ("loitering") . In aboriginal history, they say aborigines had "SONGLINES" which were songs and music that had codes in them that told the history and also mapped out their land, so they could hear the song and find their way home, kind of like how hidden inside Nils Lofgrens' "Bullets fever" is a Hot Shoppes locator map, if you just know how to listen right.
WE r winnin and grinnin bcuz All of the players have stepped to fill Gilberts production!!
Caron Butler spent the whole offseason camping with Brent Price in the mountains and when he came back down he was curious about so many things, but one thing he was most curious about: how he could now shoot tha 3-ball like a white baptist!!! Not only is Tuff Juice draining threepees like The Rature was a WNBA team, he is still the teams toughest ballers. Tuff Juice is like The Equalizer
"Got a problem? Odds against you? Call the Equalizer."
Meantime Antwan "Antawn" Jamison is scoring for 2 men. Ive never seen such an amazing variety of looping layins: Runners, Floaters, Finger Rolls, Tear Drops, Giant Killers, Soft Bombs, Rainbow Pots, Chip Shots, Silver Horseshoes, Hanging Judges, Til Tuesdays, Tender Mercies, Creeping Cheesewheels, Raised Eyebrows, Drag Chutes, Broken Slinkys, Randy QBerts, Johnny Reboulets....
Twan credits his heavenly flexible ways to taking up yoga in the offseason. Fortunately he didnt take his classes from former bullet and current plainclothes yoga instructor Kevin Duckworth, who teaches unique trademark yoga poses such as the "Flipped Tortoise" , "Corned Beef Salutation" and "Accessing The Hollywood" !!!
Meantime the young gunz are growing faster than recalled wet season CHia Pets in a Bangladeshi warehouse.
ANdray Blatche is like some kind of ninja iguana!!!
With his big lidless eyes, his low heart rate, his sly blending into his surroundings until the rock comes buzzing by and then THWAAAP!!!! out comes the tongue!!! out comes 2 tongues , two arm tongues, he can block the ball and taste it at the same damn time whatta creature!!!! when hes not like a ninja iguano hes like those giant dancing air puppets u see at car dealers, you know, like "MR EXCITEMENT", or "ACURA BLUEPUFF" or "LOGO TUBE" or the mysterious "COMMODORE...."!
Plus Andray Blatche has studied in the Japanese art of "AKIMBO". Kwame Brown was a master of Akimbo. Its the ancient technique of physical discipline where you can make your body parts too fast for your own mind!!
Nick Young: yo we call him "JANSPORT" . we just started csalling him that today. WHy do we call him Jansport? We call him Jansport because he has been asked at a young age to shoulder a heavy load, and because when you see him he has a bounce in his step and lots of youthful NRG but you can see he has lots of homework he has to take home and because whenever he is on the court, for better or for worse, you know someone is gonna end up getting schooled!!!
Darius Songalia has amazing hands and feet for a man who is built like a gamey slab of elk meat. He is like a reindeer carcass that has been enchanted by a lithuania sorceress!!
Oleksiy Pecherov: When I see the team clownin with Big Oily in videos like this it makes me think of the retarded kid character they have in nostlagic movies about italian americans growing up in the 50s. The other kids tease him sure, they get him to steal them candy, and they laugh at his slowness but they also love him and treat him like a real person in a way that science doesnt and show it by pooling their allowance and getting him a nice hooker played by an uncredited Marissa Tomei.
And finally the fearsome Brown Hornet, Antonio Daniels. My Man! AD is so old school. He is fearless and attacking, with a lurchy churchy swag, he is man who is throwback to days when black man walked through violence and chaos on the corner every day. He flies into the flagrant fire, then struts to the foul line with his badass ethiopian profile like he just slayed a tiger, like hes emerging cool from tha flames of a race riot with the sign around his neck that reads:
TOMORROW ADIDAS UNVEILS "GilTV.COM" AND 4 DEVASTATING NEW SHORT FILMS STARRING MARVIN BRANDO, NACHO ARENAS AND AGENT ZERO!!!!!!
THERE ARE NO WORDS TO SAY NOW EXCEPT: WHEN DID MARIO VAN PEEBLES START FILMING MY DREAMS???
ITS AMAZING WHAT CAN BE ACHIEVED WHEN YOU TAKE THE GREATEST BASKETBALL PLAYER ON THE WORLD, THE CREATIVE POWER OF ADIDIAS, , MATHEW BARNEY'S SPARE LOBSTER SUIT, AND SOME STRIKE-BREAKING WRITERS FROM UCLA FILM SCHOOL!!!!
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Ivan Carter and Michael Lee are tha best beat men in the association. Their Wizrads Insider gets so much insider details for the hardcore fans and they work so hard and dont get the respect they desevre at the Washington Post at all. Sure Woodward and Bernstine had skillz, they brought down Tricky Nixon and Watergate blew up and all but did Woodward and Bernstine score an explusive interview with Ernie Grunfelds 6th grade dance teacher?
Did they live on nothing but out-of-town arena nachos for 7 months?
Or have a 5 part metro featurette on what REALLY gets cleaned at the Charles Oakley Carwash (hint it rimes with Werbian Shores)?
Did they embed themselves on Christian Laettners North American Wiggles tour?
Did Woodward and Bernie get the KGB to declassify Olesky Pecherovs colonoscopy reuslts???
"The best nicknames in the game today belong to Agent Zero (Gilbert Arenas), The Matrix (Shawn Marion). Boom Dizzle (Baron Davis) is picking up steam, but there isn't much else out there.."
Thanks for the sweet props Mike!!!
We are very proud to have made Agent Zero a household name!!!
And we have over the years invented many nicknames for DC Ballerz, and with the help of the powerful Agent Steinz some have stuck hard but others have slipped slowly from sight like bacon on a late august window pane!!
To show our thanks for Ivan Carter and Michael Lee for all their hard work and in the spirit of thier incites, we invite all wizznutzz readers to vote for their favorite Ivan Carter and Michael Lee nicknames in the polls below, or tell us one of your own!!!
We will pay Party John Ramos to airbrush the winning name on Ivan and Mikes '98 KIA RIOs!!!!
Monday, October 01, 2007
WIZZNUTZZ TRYING HARD TO DIGEST TWO UNBELIEVEABLEY GAMEY SLABS OF NEWS MEAT!!!!
Last Friday sports blogging god Will "dont hate me because my hair is beautiful" Leitch on Deadspin was ushered into the high altitude media tent to interview Agent Zero .
We all know Will Leitch is a pro, spreading the thickest "Royal We" butter since Bishop STubbs wrote the best-selling Joe Namath mass-market paperback bio "Broadway and We" in 1902, so it wuz no suprize to us that Will didnt lob no Bobo Newsom softballs at Gil, and that before he feinted Will asked him the question thats been on everyones lips:
"Have you been to Wizznutzz? "
well let me say that IN the wizznutzz offices at that minute all our attention on other things including breathing was suddenly like the bacon in the SIzzlean commercials, and with our focussed brains we levetated that old bacon away from our plates and said "move over bacon, make room for something meatier!(tm)" as we waited for our Hero Zero to answer:
My dad is more into the stuff like that, the RealGM, the Wizznutzz, those types of things. He tells me what's going on. He was sitting there for five, six hours, posting under fake names, "how do you like that Gilbert Arenas? He's a jackass, huh?" Just to see what the response is.
It is true, we are CRUSHED to find out the Gilbert doesnt spend 3 hours a day on our site or even just now an then pop by to ask GarBot2000 for legal advice
plus we are THRILLED to find out that Gilbert ARenas SENIOR IS checking our incites, loitering around like Llorenzo Williams, lurking about the site going deepcova brotha like Tubbs on the comments board. We have no idea who he is posting as, he could even be the secret alter ego of one our famous regulars:
Cheniers Ghost? David Vanterpool? Lynams Disease? Good God - Unsilent Majority?!?!?!?!?!
We love Gilbert Senior!!! In fact, maybe even Agent Zero is a little overexposed and SO we are now backing Pops, aka "Gil The Thrill" from here on out.
Its like Tortoise and The Hare story, Junior has burned bright like a meteor through the blogosphere but Senior is steady and focussed and maybe he is the real future?? Maybe its like DOnald and Keifer SUtherland. SUre Keifers got a hit show now but lets see in 10 years if anyone even remembers keifer or if they are like "You mean that albino dude in Powder?" while Donald is talk of the town and has Tinsley Mortimer's racy smells in his beard and has a hit show while the only hits Keifer's got are hits on youtube for the humiliating Dancing With The Stars audtion tape that shows him doing The SMurf in the parking lot behind The Apple Pan with SOuthern COmfort in his hand and his career down with his overalls around his ankles.
NOT really of course we will always love Gil Junior,
But for GILBERT SENIOR:
WE GIVE YOU AN OPEN INVITATION:
COme And Be an Intern At Wizznutzz!!! Write for Us!!!
We have already ordered a new Colecovision keyboard for you, and well as xtra large flame-retardant intern robes, and a monthly RideOn pass! You can even play your ATlantic Starr records in the Mothering Hut!! You will get more hits than your kid's upstart blog we promise. You can razz him hard about your Click Through Rates and internet celebrity friends!!!
Or if you cant blog for us then
WE WANT TO INTERVIEW YOU GILBERT ARENAS SENIOR!!!!
It will be most gripping talked -about celebrity interview since Morely Saffer asked MJ "what did you do with Ty Lues body"!!!
Lets do it by webcam the interview! You wont belive the questions we will ask and we wont believe your aNSWERS!
eMAIL US gilbert arenas senior AT wizznutzz (at) yahoo.com please we woulkd love to set it up and take you right to the top!!
This would normally be enough AGent Zero news for one day, but then Agent Steniz reports yesterday about Gilberts NBew Cartoon SHow "GAZO THE PRANKSTA".
SPorts Bog covering the wizards is like a real life Fantasy Island. Dan is Mr Rourke and he has Littles and if you can even dream it, they will deliver it to you. Gil has hired young writers from UCLA and USC and a Jr. Animnator from "Lilo and Stitch 2" and has made a cartoon about some school kids who get snubbed by the popular kidz and their leader is GAZO who carries out pranks and japes and has an imaginary freind sidekick called Agent ZIP.
SO with the outcasts and practical jokes it is no doubt this show is based on Gilberts own life and so it is curious to see there is an Imaginary friend sidekick.
Imaginary sidekicks are common tradition in cartoons. Like when Fred Flintsone had Kazoo the martian who no one else could see. And Big Bird had Snuffleupagus and Calvin had Hobbes.
But also imagi-amigos they are also very common for real boys growing up.
There are many reasonz people have imaginary friends.
Fred Flintstone's reason was likely from hallucinations caused by an advanced glioblastoma in his brain from phosphorous toxicity he got from eating nothing but Brontosaurus meat for 30 years. But for rest of us imaginary friends help us to overconme our "egocentric inadequacies". Thats what Jean Piaget says anyway. Jean Piaget was a child development specialist and founder of The Wiggles.
They're trying out alternate viewpoints, probing causal sequences, revising interpretations of changing situations—honing the capacity to take others' perspectives, he speculates, a skill that gave our language-speaking species powers of narrative dialogue that proved highly adaptive.
Thats what a lady wrote about it in Slate website about how imaginary friends are good for you.
Now if you know Gilbert you know it is no surprise that he has had imaginary friends.
The only question is WHICH ONE of all his imaginary friends he would cast for GAZO???
Here are some of Gils Phantom friends he had to choose from:
There is "BUMPER"
who is a small yellow rabbit that looks just like Thumper from bambi but has the voice of Mabel King, Roger Thomas' Mama from the show "Whats Happening". "Bumper" helped gilbert as a child dealing with growing up without his mother. Thumper had experience in adolescent counseling from the Bambi thing and Mabel Kings voice is warm and comforting like a big bosom.
Hippolito would help Gilbert make decisions about right and wrong. The two heads would argue with eachother for control of Gilberts young conscience. Hippolitos right head usual won. This is because the left head was always singing that damn Rick Springfeild song "Dont Talk To STrangers" over and over driving Gil nuts while the Right head of the tortoise was way more fun and mischevous and got into trouble and also taught Gilbert how to smoke.
There is "MR SIMs"
The imaginary litle man who lives in Gilberts cellphone. Mr SIMs helps Gilbert feel comfortable in social situations. To talk to him Gilbert just has to call his own phone and leave himself messages : "Hi its me, Gilbert!"
There is "AWVEE STOREY"
AWVEE was the rascally imaginary lockeroom playmate Gilbert created to help him get through the anxieties of a new team and a new town!!
But GAZO'S sidekick AGENT ZIP is the best ever because of the revolutionary POUCH. Its shows Agent Zeros amazing private imagination.
GAZO'S POUCH is truly original. Well sure "Gazos Pouch" it is one of the fundamental principles of Non-Euclidean Geometry, but in the make believe world GAZO'S POUCH adds a whole new dimension because within your hidden friend is another hidden space, a moist hidden private space that has bottomless storage to hide your trickster plans, and hijinks, and secrets and to hide your FEARS until you are ready to face them.
This isn't the first time we have talked about POUCHES and FEAR and MARSUPIALS here at wizznutzz.
In fact many of you know we made a famous mixed media art piece that we sold to the Andrew Gaze Gallery Of Marsupial Art and we called it
So "GAZO'S POUCH" will be the theme of Wizznutzz 2008!
A place to hide our incites, a magic sleeve of tricks, a 'fun size' mothering hut, an antiseptic bacon incubator!!
-ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT FOILED! SOmeone tampered with Gilberts Bidet!! Luckily Gil was clear of the blast and when he saw the flames, yelled "HIBACHI!", called security, and cooked them breakfast right over the deadly can!!
-Secret Service detail appointed to protect Awvee Storey!!! Do you know what the Secret Service code name is for Awvee??? Hop on the comments board and tell us!!!
-Claim by former college roomate that Gilbert "used cheat codes" dismissed as "politcally motivated"
-Arsenio Hall invites Gilbert to play the Saxaphone on his show!
-In a move to consolidate power, AGENT "00" aka Weng Weng is appointed head of the FBI. Opens "Un-American Activities" file on Mike Krzyzewski!
-Jerry Stackhouse books 8-day sleepover in Lincoln Bedroom!
-Black Presidents vow to balance budget by dissolving the military, replacing it with a spartan army of the countrys finest 300 soldiers!
- Gil takes 'Vagina Power' host Alexyss Tylor out for a $2.99 plate of shrimp at Long John Silvers, gets prayed up, offers her position of US Surgeon General!
When he asks her about how he can improve his defense, she advises:
"with a penis all up in your vagina, man you dont have no defenses!"
-August Strindberg scores book deal to write sequel to Fear And Loathing On the Campaign Trail, and a whole spin-off line of "Fear and Loathing" books, loads up Cadillac with hay, absynthe, ether and angst.
VOTE FOR THE BLACK PRESIDENTS!!
Stuff the ballot box next November! U know Gilbert will be!
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Wizards just cant be stopped whether its against "Leprechaun IV: All QUiet on the DeLonte Western Front" or the Throwdown in Motown. Hey is CWebb on the Tyra Banks diet??? 9 wins over .500 is like Ledell Eackles genome: uncharted territory! SOmetimez it doesnt even seem like Wiz r so good but just that suddenly everyone else seems so ugly around them. Its like the reason Steve Czaban has so many friends!
People say its team chemistry, like Karla K said to Michael J: "The whole is bigger than the parts" But make no mistake there is one reason we are so fine and its AGENT ZERO. He has reinvented his game once again, now he flies into the gaps like a running back, SWEETNESS. His swag is a roosters swag, a wake up call that runs low to the ground. He has such tite game because unlike all the other heisty shooters in the association, he isnt all about putting More Bounce To The Ounce but putting Pride To The Glide. My heart almost stopped vs Celtics when Gil went to the lockerrom and Donnel Taylor takes his place. Thats like going to see The Producers on broadway and you find out that for this performance role of Max Bialystock wont be played by Nathan Lane but instead by the cerebal palsy comic who was Blair's cousin Geri in Facts Of Life!
To celebrate our hero we end MOTHERING WEEK with mother of all T SHIRTS!!!!!:::
Thanks for the props awesome Jamie Mottram aka MR IRRELEVANT, only blogger machosensual enuff for TV! For Agent Zero legend, if like we say, Wizznutzz are seed, and Agent Steinz is the penis, then mister irrelvant, you r the FLUFFER!
To celebrate we have teamed up with legendary Media Assassin AGENT STEINZ of DC SPorts Bog to present first ever totally unsanctioned contest:
Thats right! If you could ask Agent Zero any question at all, what would it be? Answer as many times as you want on the comments board below.
The best questions will be sent to Agent Steinz and he will select one to ask AGENT ZERO himself next time they are together in the Grunfelds steam room!!!
There is no interview in the world as great as an Agent Steinz/Agent Zero interview. Not even when James Lipton posed the Pivot Questionaiire to Margot Kidder was that as good! (JL: 'What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?' MK: 'Probably Red Angel Of Scissors. Or Architect.')
And now you can be what we all dream of: the salty moomintroll talking directly into Stienz's brain!!
Just imagine how u can go down 4ever in Gilbertology lore by teasing the newest nugget out of the phenomenal swag matrix that is Gilberts brain!!!
***Agent Steinz cant guarantee "ask Gilbert contest" so if there is problems we just rename this historic contest:
"ASK JAMES LANG CONTEST! (REALLY ASK HIM AS MANY QUESTIONS AS YOU WANT. ASK HIM TO MAKE YOU BREAKFAST.)"
And to get your Woodward and Bernstein Bear Chaser juices flowing, why not slip into one of our popular AGENT ZERO TSHIRTS at the Mothering hut!. They are now available in new colors including Blingtastic Glitter Inks and also supercool Metallic inks. We love the metallic silver one! The pictures in the store dont do it justice. Imagine a shirt made of shiny sardine skins stapled on to fine bacon resistant cotton... aka THE Romanian IRON-ON!! Free shipping!!! Many more mothering hut fashions to come in the next few days. Hey, Republicans buy bacon too!!!
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
AGNET ZERO BIRTHDAY BASH MEDIA SPECTACULAR!!
CLub Love Entrance
The Iceman COmeth!!
More Iceman! Before the bodyheat melted it into a Kevin Duckworth ice sculpture! Gil not 1st DC baller to have ice sculpture at a party. Mike Ruffin had one made for his 21st and placed live squirrels inside!! So when the ice thawed and released the squirrels, everyone knew THE PARTY WAS OVER!
Agent Zero Goth-Realist Mural
Gilberts black Lamborghini! This car is so sweet it took a restraining order out on KIT from Knight Rider!!!
Agent Zero and charity girls from the Home for Battered Solid Gold Dancers!! Gilbert rocking the two-tone suit! Designed by Thelonius Monk! Pleather=Pain! Gilbert call "FInancial" says "I want Diddy". Gilbert calls "Sartorial" and says, "dress me like HAPPY FEET!"
Gilbert not the only one sporting some black and white! Looks like Busta got to them before he did! COlors of Bennettons "Bruises of the World"
Travis, Lansing MI: Do you like the nickname Agent Zero? What would you choose for yourself?
Gilbert Arenas: Oh yeah, I love Agent Zero. It goes well. It's different. If I had to choose myself, then I have to go with the name I went into the league with. From Batman and Robin, I was the Boy Wonder.
Charles (Toronto, Canada): You said in an interview that your favourite burger place is in toronto, which place in toronto is it? Gilbert Arenas: It was a Ritz-Carlton. It was a hotel burger. I've never actually been out of the hotel in Toronto. They have great burgers.
Which begs follow up question: Gilbert do you carry miniature executive condiment bottles in your travel valet??
Did u see poor CHarlie Bell try and defend.. C Bell couldnt have been more disrespected if his wife got pregnant, then died in childbirth, then doctor comes and tells him paternity test shows father is a bogeyman from Cuban Folklore called: "El Jambomba!" (The BaconMan!)
We look forward to the holidays here. Ken has set up a one-man "nativity scene" in the mothering hut that makes Mel Gibson look like Nora Ephron! Our good mate ANdrew Gaze is staying with us for the holidays and he is sharing real australian holiday traditions like vegemite halfsmokes, and watching Reckless Kelly, and playing "sticky wickets" , and not apologizing to aborigines, and singing our favorite XMas carol:
SIX WHITE BOOMERS!!!!
WHATTA week for the Wizards!!! I havnt seen so much STREAKBUSTING since PG County police issued summons to Unsilent Majority for his naked concession runs!!!
First Agent 0 goes for SIXTY vs Lakers and Kobe snipes "Gilbert has no conscience!"
And who are U Kobe? Raskolnikov?
Da nerve of this guy!!!! of all people, Kobe is KING OF BAD TOUCHES!!! and thats not even counting basketball!!!
The Gilbert finsihes the road trip with 54 in amazing ESPN win in phoneix.
He did it in the gold and black alternate uniforms, and in those clothes we give him alternate nickname:
THE COPPERTOP(tm) "Now You're Playing With Power!"
Gil turns to coach Mike D'Antonio and pipes "GET THEE TO A SNUBBERY!! and then sings the GReek national anthem!!
The whole team cashed up for the winz. Caron BRUBAKER Butler was inspiring and pliant. Antwan aka "offense is the best defense" dropping more runners than zola budd. I think wizards season will turn on who will outscore who: Gilbert Arneas or whartever guy an a given night is dunking on ANtwan!
And Is there anything better than Bill Walton announcing a wizards game? It is best commentary ive heard since a confused Charleston Heston wandered from his house down to the dog track at Huntington Beach and bellowed:
"All who thirst for freedom may come with us. Come On Lucy, Scooby Flyer, Battlestar Exacta: the shadow of death will pass over us tonight, and tomorrow we will see the light of freedom. "
Watching Bill Walton call a game reminds me of that experiment you do in school when you power a radio using a potato!!!
And then on SPORTSCENTER ESPN achor drops "AGENT ZERO" name! Viva La TAKEover! Long live the Black Presidente!
That means you can get sweet shirts this week for as little as $12!!!!
Also fyi "lightweight tshirts" are really fruit of looms "heavy cotton" so lightweight frame, but heavyweight attitude, like Awvee Storey!!!! They make for a nice shirt, (though if u got Maury Chaykin manboobs u may want to go thicker!)
Also Some people have found small glitch in site where says "shop not active or timed out" if this happens just hit refresh a few times or try again and will work. The cassette in our TRS80 hard drive is full and we r working on it!
YEs we know james once, like absantee father, all promises. he says he founds wizznutzz just because he had his brothers Colecovision and played summerball with a droll spotshooter called August Strindberg and yes he gave us "seed money" and I know Jaarko blew it it on "Magic Bacon Seeds" but that dont mean that the "summer" of our internship is an Endless Summer. I know you helped Ken Beatrice at customs when he had human leg bone in his fanny pack but lemme say that 2 pair of Harvey Grant Gameworns in a a manilla prison envelope is not a 401K plan! I asked FInancial!
Sure u posted inspirational Cristopher Cross Lyrics: "The canvas can do miracles Just you wait and see" on door to the Mothering Hut but insirpation dont clear up blood everymorning
You have no beard. and You have no incites.
"This has been a thrill, a total blast." "That blew us away"
You call those Incxites? Those arent incites! I overhear better incites ordering hot chips on Ocean city boardwalk. You steal our incites. You go on radio with Bram Weinstein bribing him with sex aids, you steal "Virgin Petes Prayer Jerky" from us and now its #1 religious lunchable in dominican republic!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The only reason you even started the wizznutzz web was for Tax Haven, so you can deduct Schedule F for Agricultural Business. I saw the forms, you itemized Dana as "Nonviable Livestock"!!!
Maybe we fold up wizznutzz better than be MULES. Maybe you would rather not here the words we write on site, but hear instead words:
"My Name is AUgust Strindberg and Im a CVS Pharmacist"
The locals were thrilled to see their heros! Some of the locals werent so thrilled!! A few of them remember the charity bus from 1999 and yelled
"YO is STRICKLAND ON THAT BUS???!!!? I got a present for Strickland right here!"
This is best time of year for Wizards franchise. In offseason Abe tells braintrust: get me a charity army! Thats why the Ike Austin trade. Thats why James Lang so confused after preseason tryout when he is asked to stay after practice and carve meats!
Some hi-lites of Awesome story:
1. The are "lots of kids roaming around with "Agent 0" t-shirts"
Cheap counterfeit Agent 0 Tees are like the new Camel-cash clothing for poor people fashion!!! Soon Angelina Jolie be throwing them off the van by the crate in MUMBAI!
2. "Antawn had two kids in his arms outside the apartment, and Abe Pollin was chatting with Kisha..."
"Santa chased Michael Ruffin's three-year-old son Javon around the yard. "C'mere you little Ruffian"
When ABe Pollin aka Mister Drummond and his henchman Wes Unseld aka "SANTA funnyHANDS" come to the ghetto the kids know to run! run run run! They know the sack is soon to follow. They call Abe and Wes "The Gobblers" cuz when they roll by kids "getting scholarships" aka disappearing for good!!!
3. "Look, he a monster," one kid said about G-Wiz. "No he's not," a woman said.
"Yes I am," said GWiz quietly
4.Best of ALL!!!!
"When the Wizards fans saw someone else; "Darvin Ham!" someone said!!!! "Wait, did someone just say Darvin Ham?" I asked. They were pointing at Michael Ruffin. His arms were filled with presents. I was trying to stop laughing. I asked if he's gotten that before. "What, Darvin Ham?" he said. "Yeah. Yup." "Why don't you tell them who you are?" I asked. "They'll figure it out sooner or later," he said. "Who keeps talking about Darvin Ham?" I asked the fans. "That's my man!" one fan said. "You played for Duke, didn't you?" he asked Ruffin. "I'm not Darvin Ham," Ruff said.
HAHAHAHAHA ITs easy to remember kids:
Ruffin is the big hearted, undersized bench man who is a dreadfully afriad of squirrels
It's a baby boom for the Washington Wizards. Three of the team's women-behind-the-men are currently great with child: Antawn Jamison 's wife, Ione; Gilbert Arenas 's girlfriend, Laura Govan; and assistant general manager Milt Newton's wife, Shalaun....
On Friday, the three were celebrated in fabulous NBA-wife style with a lavish baby shower thrown by Charrisse Jackson Jordan (wife of Coach Eddie Jordan) and Keisha Booth (wife of center Calvin Booth) at the Jordans' Potomac home.
(Tho Keisha Booth was just their for support. She found out she cant have children ever since the Doctors sat her down and told her:
"Your husband is in fact a giant wooden cigar-store indian, Mrs Booth.")
Also at the babymama shower there were Laura Govans legal team: "Rothchild, Waterman, and Hibachi"!!!!
Lots of formewr players sent presents to the ladies:
Rod Strickland sent in giftwrapped baby vienna sausgaes...
Sister Christian Laetner send it some Kiehls groomning products on behalf of the Church of Machosensual Sciences...
Brevin Knight passed out Bellini gift certficiates...
And Brendan Haywoods girlfriend gave each mom-to-be some fancy pink, silk lingerie but OMG so embarrassed when Ione Jamison squealed cuz she noticed brown marks on hers and horrified Countess Von Skidmarck screamed "BREEEENNNDAN!!!!"
Also Susan O'Malley showed up "pregnant" . Her belly wasnt real (her blouse was stuffed with Mitch Richmond bobbleheads) but her tears were, and her runningmakep gathered on her cheeks like dew in the cold mornings of ambition. "IM a Mommy Too!!!!" she cried and the girls took pity on her and gave her a bathrobe and a double scotch.
The the girls too a break from the japes:
They did, however, take a moment to pay tribute to those who made it all possible -- flipping on the TV to watch their men stun the 76ers, 113-98. "They would all cheer, 'That's my baby! That's my boo!' " one lucky guest told us. "Then they clicked it off and went back to partying."
If Keisha Booth was yelling those things it must have been a 20-second timeout!!!
Then they opened the rest of the presents. When Laura Govan opened a gift from Coache's wife, it was an adorable little toddler bumble-bee costume!!! AWWWWW so cute! yelled the girls but laura shook her head
"Gilberts not gonna let me bring this in the house. These kind of baby animal suits freak him out. You should see him. he chases Izela Semaya around the house sometimes yelling 'Im Anne Geddes! Im Anne Geddes! Anne Geddes gonna getcha!' til the poor thing is screaming. Gilbert had it tough growing up you see. When he was younger, he remember being forced into a little panda suit. Jahidi White need 4 guys to help hold him down while they did it on the back of the team bus. hes never forgotten that."
The big question going around wizznutzz HQ these days is:
What will Agent 0 call his new baby???
Word is Laura chose "Izela" and deal is Gil gets to name #2. On top of his list right now:
For a boy: GOEMON! and if its a girl; Princess Toadstool!!
Hope on the comments and give Gil some suggestions!
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
SO a normal quiet day at the offices yesterday. Strindberg dropped by and modelled 4 us the vintage Ocean Pacific courderoy shorts he just got on eBay. It was very Magnum PI in an end of the world sort of way! Then suddnely a fax comes over late last night and HOLY JEFF MALONEY if it isnt signed by exiled former intern CHENIERS GHOST!!! Why "former intern"?? well where to begin. First he had lazy incites, second he started to Tell Ken that he didnt have to live life curled in a mothering hut in the stock room of a circuit city and that kind of talk only gives Ken a "loose mind" and makes his fragile identity that we built up throiugh ruthless discipline fall apart like warm Kraut tumbles to the cold concourse bitumen from an executive frank! Then we find out Cheniers Ghost is working for Holocaust Museum whoich is fine till we find out the museum is in his basement! And finally, he gives secret evidence for prosecution in Mace Webber trial and thats the last straw, and we say "Cheniers Ghost, turn in your beard!" but he doesnt and runs out into the wheaton plaza parking lot aka "exile". Its like regular workplace politics, you know how it is right??
Anyway, the we read the FAX and it explodes our minds, and here it is for you as it was for us:
"Gang, I know I have no right to be contacting you in this way. You always treated me great and I think sometimez i dont derserve this old special beard I keep in my pocket . But let me say I had to run to find out myself who I am and I keep this beard to remind me that maybe one day I can hope to redeem myself for you once again. Well I have done something extreme that I hope will make you proud and maybe start to build a bridge to walk back to you a man, a bridge made of bacon and trust.
You will be reading tomoorow in DC SPorts Bog and Withleather.com about last night and the historic launch of the new GIL ZEROs in New York and about a "rogue intern" and some of it is truths and some of it is more assembled lies that a Jim Lynam resume. I wanted to send this out to tell you my story, to tell you WHAT REALLY HAPPENED LAST NIGHT that washington post editors wont allow.
SO yesterday morning i read that Gils gonna be in NBA store in NYC and I go down to Chitown and buy a roll of toilet paper and grab me a $10 one-way ride on the SARS Xpress. When i get in I am met by Matt from Withleather blog and Agent Steinz. Steinz and I laugh because we are both wearing XXL Rasheed Wallace Bullets jerseys but he also has pants. We are all hungry after the trip so Steinz says he heard a rumor at the paper that because new york just announced ban on Trans Fats that Outback Steakhouse flagship store in NYC has to go thorugh 3 years supply of cooking oils by next spring and so bloomin onions are going 5 for a buck! and not only that but now everything on the menu is "bloomin" now they even have Bloomin Pumpkins! But this turns out not true, so I say to guys, followe me to an old friend! and i take them to 51st and West 9th where Tyrone Nesby is still running his popular hot dog cart!TNez gives us free dogs and we get to talking and when he hears we are going to see Agent zero he gets excited and says "Man the TAKEOVER! Man thats cool. Wish Gil well on the Takeover. I'm down with all that. He can takeover everything, serious. The whole world, but tell him to leave Vilnius for me HAHAH. No seriously, if comes and tries to take over VTown its gonna be a dog fight. Gils gonna have a damn Boer War on his hands."
And then TNes starts freestylin Rakim's "New York New York" in Lithuanian and we roll away still warm with the meats of male companiosnhip.
We still have some time to kill. What should we do now says Steniz? Matt says he always wanted to do the "Real Kramer Tour" taking that bus to all the Seinfeld places, but Steniz says no ones seen the real Kramer since his bus was attacked last week by a the "Real Van Cortlandt Rangers" in SoBro. So Matt says "You want a Kramer tour Ill give you a Kramer tour" and starts droppin N-Bombs on the F Train.
When we stopped running we get thirsty and go to a joint I know called the 'Variety Cafe' where the owners always lets me drink Bud tall tinnies at the table long as they got the red PAID sticker on em. Suddenly Steinz cellfone starts ringing and his eyes bug out cuz the ring tone is Whodini's "Friends" which means AGENT ZERO himslef is on the line!!! Agent Steinz asks us "Quick what are some questions I can ask Gil" and there are so many great questiuons to ask Zero like:
"Have you ever wrestled Susan OMalley?" or
"If Clark Kent works at Daily Planet, and Peter parker works at Daily Bugle, does Agent 0's alter ego work at the City Paper?" or
"Is a dogs soul really shaped like a sausage?"
but with Steinz there on the curb outside Variety my mind goes blinkity blank.!
After Steniz is off the phone and we are hifiving and goosesteppin down 5th ave like Laverne and 2 Shirleys and Im like "OK its almost 6 lets get to the NBA store and stake out a spot" and the guys are like "cool" but then Matts like "I gotta break a dollar, lets go into Playland porn palace real quick" and thats cool with me , Steinz and I figure we can look to see if we can catch MJ abusing some dominican whorez. But no Salieri in site, so while Matts with the change dude, Im like Hey Steinz lets go in this thing called a 'Buddy Booth' and hes like Cool that sounds like a place for two pals to chill out and wait for a buddy, so we go in separate doors and its dark and then next thing I know this wall slides up and I see a sight that would even bring tears to the eyes of "Virgin pete" Ramos!!!! It was like being in the mothering hut again, but being in the mothering hut with Harvey Keitel!!!
Finally we get over to the NBA store. We got some time to kill so Im checking out the gear and the joint is filled with torists and muscle and the security dudes start hassling me. It turns out they have this policy at NBA store:
"You try on Richard jefferson fleece warmups, you put block of cream cheese in pocket of the warmups, you pay."
They got Gil Zero stuff all over and theres a crowd and I slip on my fake beard and try and act cool cuz NBA store has me on a blacklist from the time Rod Strickland was autographing and I presented him with a authentic 1977 Phil Chenier half-smoke to sign in mustard. How wuz I to know he would eat it and retard his insides 4 life???
Steinz had media credenmtials, but turns out they wont accpet Cap Centre "Budweisr Superfest" credentials at NBA store, so only Steniz gets right up close to agent zero. He told us later gil smelled like "sweet creation". I snapped some pics of Steniz sniffing zero:
I got in thee autohgraph line with my cheeseboot and a guy says "you cant have that cheeseboot signed son, you have to buy something adidas" so I drop 90 black presidents on some size 14 Zeros and Im waiting in line, and im getting closer and closer to Gil! And i start getting real nervous... I have so many things I want to say to him, like "why are your kicks low tops Gil, did adidas run out of posssum?" And what should I get him to write? I want it to be perfect, I want my meeting with Gil to be something spoecial. I didnt want to go Free Darko and regret it later. I want to do something spectacular. SO I think back to you guys. I think this is my chance to redeem myself, to earn back my beard! I think "WHAT WOULD THE WIZZNUTZZ DO???!!!! And then i think of Borat. Cause I know the wizznutzz love Borat. Fermented horsse urine, naked man wrestling, child prostitution? Damn thats just the first sentence of basic wizznutzz Steve Blake post. And then I think of the sack I have in my backpack. The sack I carry with me in case I ever find Salieri i can cut off his head and bring it back to DC to display as a warning to greedy drifters to stay away. I would take Salieris head and put it on a tall stick someplace on the beltway or the potomac. Maybe at the Newseum.
And then I see what I have to do ...
and that I have to do it NOW ...
and I rush forward...
WE R BURSTING WITH PRIDE When u r out of jail COME HOME CHENIERS GHOST, COME HOME!!
Read Agent Steniz and Withleathers censored accounts of last night:
Saturday, December 02, 2006
WizzNutzz Exclusive!!! That means hands off, SCOOPJACKSON!!!
The Takeover continues!! Gilbert Arenas now in talks with legendary French film company PATHE to make a film!!!
The movie is based on the life of a basketball player who suffers from REM Behavior Disorder and spends his nights acting as secret agent who enters the video game world of Halo II to fight the supervillian organization the Covenant, which is trying to break out of the fourth dimension by sacrificing Mario, Luigi, Banjo and Kazooie, whose mixture of Italian and anthromoporphic blood will open a portal to modern-day Earth, allowing their leader, Brute Chieftain Tartartus, to rule the planet!!!
(Little known fact: This is the same way Isiah Thomas took over the New York Knicks organization!!! Zeke was dating Princess Toadstool, and during one particularly violent evening he jumped on her head and she exploded into a million gold coins, one of which was the key to a secret vault in Madison Square Garden, where Isiah found a stash of compromising nude photos of King Bowser Koopa -- a.k.a. James Dolan! MYSTERY SOLVED!!!!)
When Agent Zero enters Haloworld, he's joined by his trusty though diarrhetic sidekick, Agent Moomintroll, a Finnish mercenary whose main superpower comes from the tail that he holds in his paws and rubs and rubs and rubs until a white, salty, bacon-scented liquid squirts out, rendering his victims incapacitated and thoroughly disgusted!!!
But Brute Chieftain Tartartus is a smart monster, and he knows Gilbert's alter ego is Agent Zero thanks to the 20,000 counterfeit T-shirts that have made their way into the market!!!! But Gilbert is always one step ahead because he never sleeps, so he's already come up with a different secret identity: AGENT HIBACHI!!! Unfortunately, he told WashTimes about new nickname, and Tartartus just so happens to be one of the paper's 27 subscribers!!!! So Tartarus used a needlepoint sketch artist and came up with this illustration of what Agent Hibachi might look like:
Slap me with a moist gameworn!!!! That thing's practically a Chuck Close!!!!
We can't wait to see how Agent Zero Hibachi's secret-agent movie pans out. Maybe it can be a double feature at the drive-in withWho Shot Mamba?
Meanwhile, a happy 83rd birthday to Abraham Lincoln Pollin (shown in center, with Rod Grizzard and some other dudes.)
The Very Reverand Rabbi Abe Pollin is owner of the Bullets, and he's also D.C.'s No. 1 philanthropist, the former star of Different Strokes, current star of Harry Potter, chief investor in the Wes Unseld Invitro Farm, and inventor of the wrongly maligned mascot named Basket. Many happy returns, Mr. P!
(A nice change it is too for all these years the broadcast controlled us! Whenever we did take one look into big blank stares of Phil Chenier and hear his hypnospeak and next u know, we are in the office with blisters on hands and the mysterious 7-ft pile of mulch on the floor.)
But now the clowns have become the ringmasters and we are the puppetmasters!! and realize our long dream of having our arms way up the backside of Steve Buckhantz putting our own things in his puppet mouth! He is like Senor Wences but with a weaker chin!
Look, we know we have showed great influence on Wizards community before:
like when when we got Mace Webber freed
or when we get Civil Union legislation to include Mascot provisions:
or when we get Christopher Hitchens to drive Duckwagon on edutainment charity stops (i know u say it was "community service" but edutainment is edutainment son)
and sometimes were even a bit underhanded like when we got word of fight between CHico DeBarge and Rod Strickland and we got examiners office to change official explanation of Rod's badly bruised buttocks to "slipped in shower" (NOT SAFE FOR WORK!)
But even with all these this new power is most intoxicating, we feel higher than SkyDog!!!!!!!
The takeover is going so fast we have to catch our breath, and then we call emergency meeting of our takeover team and we gather "Financial""Legal" and "Penal" and they tell us to hold our mules because this is 2-edged sword and the takeover is at a delicate stage right now, "like a half-smoke balancing on a razor's edge" Penal says to us.
They say that when Gilbert went all Robin Hood with the TSHirts that he did 2 things:
he gave major boost to BRAND profile but at same time by flooding market with 20,000 free cheaply made Agent Zero Tees he dramatically undermined the brands commercial futures!!!
aka NO HONEYMOON IN HAITI THIS YEAR, NO BIG BITE OF THE MONTH CLUBZ, AND SORRY GARBOT 2000, NO TICKLE ME ELMO EXTREME, shaved or no shaved!!!!!!!!
But we are calm bcuz this isnt the first time WIzznutzz hjave had to deal with severe product oversuppliez.
In 1998 world cheered when we introduced a Boot That Makes Cheese and soon we get email from a man called "Qusay" who says he represent a foreign governemtn and is excited to spend 10 million of humantiarian aid on buying Ike Austin cheeseboots for every sinlge one of his countrys people so they may all have dignity and breakfast. He was very friendly and we were excited to see dream of solving world hunger through our podiatric miracle "one step at a time(TM)". Qusay told us he is definitely good for the money and of course we trust him because his IM name is "CourtneyalexanderManskillz27"!!!! OMG right!!
SO we fill order and next thing we know ew get visit from man called UDAY who says he is brother of Qusay (but is not nearlky so nice as his brother) and UDay says to us "I belive that my brother made an arrangement with you that he did not have an authority to make. When he tells me of plan to "squish curds under our heels for good" there is a misunderstanding. There will be no order for the boots and there will be no money for you. Is that a mothering hut? Very nice. I have the new model. The interior - very terrifying."
SO now we have 40,000 Ike Austin CHeeseBoots in warehouse with no home. How do you get rid of such things? Then we remember man we meet in ladies bar in Tiajuana, and Australian man called "Vince" who says he disposes of things. He was very aggravated for an aussie, like a young disturbed Lindsey Gaze, and said he was a boat Captain and showed us steely eyes and steelier hand gun. SO we call Vince and he says "no worries you blokes pay me and Ill take the cheesboots off your hands".
Next thing we know: dead bottlenose dolphins washing up all over the place with noses stuck in waterlogged cheeseboots!!!!
they say conatiner of boots "accidentally" fell overboard and next thing we know girls from PETA are throwing raw CHUM at Ike Austin during complete package spokesperson appearance at The Donyell Marshall Autism Benefit Golf Game (Slogan: "Hey guys, I damn told you I dont have autism! (TM)")
But its all good. Because We love Gil. Hes our goddamed Hero!!!
We been here a long long time and seen alot a things. We were here for Brevin Knights first steps and Steve Blakes first (forced) kiss and we were here for Llorenzo Williams last steps. Losing years on years makes you feel like the dumbest soldier in the the bunker when everyone else is running out but they told you to stay and wait to pay the Atari repair man, and when that bunker is the Cap Centre and your dreams get blown up and then from the ashes rises a new baby bird of hope and hes in the nest with you and you watch him get strong and when its time to fly he jumps out of the nest you yell: "FLy ! Fly! Remember to always fly high and dont trust the squirrels!"
and he turns to you as he wobbles brilliantly over the hedge and he yelled
"BUT WHO AM I??"
"You are AGENT ZERO and you are a mighty sparrow!!!!"
And then he is gone. ANd We cant follow. We will never leave this nest. Not even though we know the ground down below holds in it the bacon that wriggles. Butr we always will be by your side , even if no one notices us. Like Philip Bailey next to Phil Collins because
Yeah, Zero is a wonderful thing. In fact, Zero is my hero!
How can Zero be a hero?
Well, there are all kinds of heroes, you know. A man can get to be a hero For a famous battle he fought... Or by studying very hard And becoming a weightless astronaut.
And then there are heroes of other sorts, Like the heroes we know from watching sports. But a hero doesn't have to be a grown up person, you know, A hero can be a very big dog Who comes to your rescue, Or a very little boy who's smart enough to know what to do.
Meanwhile, we are trying to think what to do with 20,000 Agent 0 shirts!! We could ball em up and stick in the high school fence to spell stuff, or we can use to strain pruno, or to muffle cries, or to make fake teen preganancy baby for panhandling, or to wipe deer blood out of Duckwagon upholstry.
Hop on the comments and tell us what u r doing with your Shirt!
Monday, November 20, 2006
HOLY TROUBLE WITH TRIBBLES!!! >UPDATED VERSION!!!! >>BACKBREAKER EDITION!!!
First honorary intern Unsilent Majority has brill idea to have his Chinese peasant farm stop making low grade polypropelene G-Wiz costumes for one day in order to make da real bossman a personalized hoodie with AGENT ZERO declaration!!! Nice 1/2 megapixel photo, Unsi!!
Then during Saturday night's blowout win (aka The Night Cleveland's Shannon Brown Drove Ol' Dixie Hayes Down, Till the Bells Were Ringing), we couldn't believe our eyes: AGENT ZERO t-shirts were everywhere!! Or at least on pasty white people!!!! The Takeover has done taken us over!!!!
What in the name of Abe Pollin's prostrate is going on here?!?!?! DIdn't Verizon Centre check with David Patton office before printing up copyright infringements for all the world to see?!?! WizzNutzz trademarked that name in a late night, under the table deal with Gilbert at City Place Mall video arcade, sealed by a cutting session and bleeding all over Silver Spring Astroturf Park. Granted, Ken was already at park lacerating himself with no knowledge of Gentleman's Deal between Gil and WizzNutzz primaries -- "I think the new name is Agent Zero. Oh that's hot. Whoever made that 'Agent Zero' up gets a percentage" -- but a bloody deal's a bloody deal, even if Ken's haemoglobin levels are so low that his blood is more a muddy chartreuse than crimson red!!!
Can somebody who went to the game explain this outrage? Our lawyer, Lionel Hutz, is standing by!!!!
Meanwhile, our sincere best wishes go out to the good Constable Hayes, whose annual RITE OF FALL was just that tonight.
It was a scary sight to see you lying there, and then taken out on stretcher -- and yes, we saw you wipe away tears. To answer your question, "If I started crying, would you start crying?" Yes, Jarvis, yes. In fact, Ken was crying well before the game even began because his cilice belt had slipped into his crotch (again).
Lying there, you must have felt like a piece of the past was caught in your throat -- and then you choked. But here, it's more than love, it's less than love -- it's what the WizzNutzz give to you: moisture, good touches, bacon.
It's been a tough two years for the Wizard's finest officer of the law. He's been caught in time so far away from where our hearts and cracked knees really wanted to be, and he's reaching out to find a way to get back to where he'd been. But oh, if summer left him dry, with nothing left to try, this time.... Jarvis, we have learned sometimes a need can run too deep, and we throw away the things we most wanted to keep, and inside we lie over and over again... If you don't know, you'd better learn to believe us when we say we're going to build a wall around this town, around these hearts and hands -- and you shall heal.
Be well, Constable, be well.
Update:Jar Jar released from hospital, bruised butt healing with help of Dana's magic balm: 1 leaf of aloe plant, 1 can of bacon puree, 1/2 cut of spit, 1/2 cup of "secret sauce."
Team getting burned by half-man half-vaginasailor pleather threepee bricks...
and even Someone is cheating on the Hustle Board (OK I know when Rod Strickland cheated it was "The Torpor Board" and he wuz erasing Calbert Cheaneys steals using pieces of salami, but its same thing basically)
But one thing is gathering fresh steam:
The WIZZNUTZZ/AGENT ZERO TAKEOVER!!!!
AND NOW TOPPS HAS FALLEN IN LINE!!!
Wow! like Dana when waking up sore in the trunk of Bram Weinstein's Fiero we r excited but not suprised!!
We were more suprised to see Topps on board for our earlier, less successful grand plan:
"THE GREAT JEJUNE"
I couildnt believe it when it flashed on my computer from August Strindberg's special RSS Feed!!!. The Stringberg Feed is like other feeds except that it also turns your computer into a 1982 TI-994A with counterfeit Soviet motherboard that smells of sour dairy and attempts to poison itself every 15 minutes!
Its a big, ambitious, stunning, emotionally compelling incite supreme. The prose is turgid, even pliant. The tone is nuanceful. Even Tom Knott would have to lift his bloated face out of the bowl of soup and exclaim "Mike Wise can write like a possum baptising a thesaurus!"
Its a moving story about the bravery of a young Reagan-era crack baby who rose to the top with self-determination and the love of a father and its also the story of as young woman broken by addiction and regret. These arent the kind of things the wizznutzz make japes about. Ok well i guess we do, but when you think about your own mom doing "snow" or someother drug with a spooky 80s name and not being there for you well it just hangs in our guts like last weeks pom noisettes.
But are are some lighter moments to be found in the piece.
-We find Gilberts Dad was know by the soap set as "GIL THE THRILL"!!
-Gil was at the birth of his daughter! It wasnt a tom cruise scientology "Silent brith" but Gil did put his Halo game on mute!
-We finally meet "The Others", Gilberts mom of course and also his babys mama whose part Hawaiin and part litigious, and Gils Cuban cigar-rolling greatgrandpa called "Hippolito" which means Little Hippo, and Gilberts crazy Half-brother "BLUE" who wants to be a detective. A steel handgun in your jean-shorts pocket does not a Tubbs make. Keep an eye on Blue. Seriously.
-Gilbert spent last year ducking and weaving to avoid his girlfriends lawyers and the organization went ALL IN to protect him including recalling Gheorge Muresan to act as a suit spotter and giving Donnell Taylor a roster spot just so he could act like a Saddam Hussein style body double. Now I understand whay happened in the playoffs last year when Lebron slapped his hand on gilberts chest and gil blew the free throws he can normally make eyes wide shut. He missed em cuz he thought he was being served!!!
Like a dozen canadian burgers, its alot to swallow.
And we have already waited too long to comment on the Gilbert Arena ESquire article for some days. We just were not ready. You dont go into the Mothering Hut until you have burned your family photos and taken salt tablets. But now we are. Like Mike Wise looked into Agent 0's heart, we have looked into his mind. Everyones saying oh Gilberts plain crazy, hes HALO's Howard Hughes, but as wizards trainer and alternative healer Steve Stricker revelaed last year, Gilbert is an Indigo child, a WAYSHOWER and to understand his ways takes time and takes professionals, so we consulted mental professionals called "Analists"
"Oh I kow what an Analist is you say, thats like Tim Legler is a TNT Analist!!!! " Yes maybe thats true but thats one kind of Analist. TLegzz is an Analist for sure!!. But Tleggz is also an orange and chino noise shark and he must use circular breathing and greenies to make nonstop noise for if he stops is his fear that he shall be forever silent. He is the anal wind floating in a bubble on the bathwater of Cable pre-gamezzz. TLegzz analisis is a relentless mating call into the void. Who is the mating call for I dont know and i dont want to know but I know that whatever it is it probably had 7-elevens Big Bites for lunch.
But the analists I am talking about are called "Psychoanalists" and follow from a man called Sigmund Freud.
WHo in Great Grevey's Ghost is Sigmund Freud?
Well hes only the father of psychoanalyisis which means he talked to his own penis ands his penis told him of the mysteries of mans desires. And he was the first ever "MILF Hunter"!!!
SO we talked to PsychoanalistsTM and they helped us break into the brain of Gilbert Arenas and when we got inside gilbert had left out a plate of canadian hamburgers and vitamin water for us because gilbert himself says "IM NOT QUIRKY!" and to prove it he handed out "No Quirks" necklaces made of Alphabits cereal at his weekly puppet show.
This is what we found:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
He wants nothing more than the familiarity of running the stairs in his home arena--the skit-skit-skit of his feet on the cement treads, the bass line of his own breathing, the deep ache of muscles tested once more-until the hours have passed. He doesn't care what the clock says.
This means he wants to succeed so much and overcome his snubs that he is just trying too hard. He wants always to be better, so he trains and trains and doesnt even sleep and plots The Takeover and he is an insomniac and he even trains his dogs too hard because he suffers also from Hyperintention By Canine Proxy
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
He is simply dealing with time. There is so much of it in the NBA. It's the thing that surprised him the most when he came into the league. There's practice at 1:00, there's a game at night, and that's it. Even though it's late, there are so many hours left to fill until he will find sleep on the couch in his bedroom that night.
The subject has a five-and-a-half-foot-tall safe in his basement full of jerseys of great NBA players past and present. They're all signed, too. Each of them is in a plastic bag, each numbered and cataloged.
The subject harbors plans to build a basketball court made of glass.
It is Wednesday, the day after movies are traditionally released on DVD, and the subject piles up purchases at a local video store. He collects with no particular agenda in mind. He's just hungry for more. He grabs the new releases first, two and three at a time, piling them against his chest like a stack of library books. He is not picky. On this day his haul includes The Libertine, The Matador, Basic Instinct 2, three submarine movies, a dance movie, two romances, and a handful of comedies. As the stack grows higher, he slows. How many does he plan to buy today? "I usually stop when I get to here," he says, holding a finger to his chin. He doesn't know when he will watch them, or even if he ever will. Back at home, in the supremely carpeted media room of his cozy, overcouched theater, he has a hard drive capable of holding more than ten thousand titles. Ask him and he'll tell you he wants them all. All the movies. Ever. "
Sublimation is a coping mechanism for refocussing extra hiNRGs to other outlets. Gilbert can only do some much to work on his game so when hes still bouncing off walls he collects, he puzzles, he bowls and finds safety in objects.
In fact Gilberts entire basketball career is the product of sublimation. SInce first time he picked up a basketball and said "Are you my Mother?" gilbert has refocussed his energy from his pain into hoops. All his success is built on the broken ruins of his childhood.
A man called Frankl wanted to be a Mascot for the Roanoke Dazzle, but when team doctors discovered his allergy to flame-retardants he had to "SUMBLIMATE" his desires and so he became a famous psychologist and he believed that when we rush to do all these things at once its hiding attention from the "existential vacuum" and that we all fear the meaninglessness, the hole, the huge zero in our lives so we try and fill it with things and hobbies. We are all trying to fill our time. Frankl called it the "SUnday Neurosis" and Phil Chenier calls it "Breakfast"!!!
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Lately I've been dreaming I'm playing basketball on a desert island. That's all there is on the island-just the court, water lapping right up to the edge of the blacktop. It's just water all out there. Deep. Then I notice there are fans out in the waves, circling us.
I was so depressed that I wasn't playing that I didn't want to go out. I'm gonna stay and do sit-ups or jumping jacks. And I'm not gonna come out. Not till morning. There's nothing out there for me. I don't know those cities. I don't know where to go. I don't have any people. Other guys will be out, the steak house, the clubs, just rollin'. Me, I'm fine. Time is falling off. Sun's coming up. I'm doing more sit-ups than the night before. I'll watch three or four movies. I'll watch infomercials.
ANALISIS: SELF ESTRANGEMENT
Gilbert built his tent and made his couch and now he wants to sleep on it. He is Private Zero, he texts, he watches Bambi II, and if youre a lady keep your chips to yourself when the dealings done - don't be bringing those forced cuddles his way!! Some say this is strange but we say its ESTRANGE.
SO why then is Zero sequestering himself?? Its like he is quarantined but unlike Rod Strickland this quarantine doesn't involve Baileys Crossroads Center For Disease Control and a Chinese pork ban.
Why is Gilbert hiding himself away deeper than Calvin Booth in a box score???
Well for one thing he has been hiding from his girlfriends Lawyers. But if you asked a man named Heidegger, who invented a magic 8 Ball you don't EVER want to shake, he will tell you that "self-estrangement" means agent zero is confronting the fears of an unauthentic life. An "unauthentic life" is when your have a public ego which is like the big billboard version of yourself outside the Verizon center, but inside you are wrestling with lifes banality, which is like wrestling with Awvee Storey but in your brain instead of the team bus.
Maybe you ask: what does "Banal" mean?
Well think of it like this:
Banal is to "Anal" what BMitch is to "Mitch". Its is boringness and irrelevancy and bland.
Mister Freud's penis told him all men have 2 drives going on at same time fighting each other. There is THANATOS which is drive toward breaking apart all life, and there is EROS which is drive to stop that drive and live like a TruWarior. And then there is RAMOS, which is the slow pointless drive back to a Roanoke Best Buy.
The good newz is that by alienating himself Agent Zero is discovering and saying "yo whats up Malfoy"to the vanity and banality and zeroness all around him so that he can then return to an authentic full existence. And then he will GO ALL IN and dive back into the vagina and be reborn! (Sweet, I hope Chick Hearn does a Wizards Magazine on that!!!!)
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It's the Cavs versus the Wizards all over again, except this time Gilbert has the Cavs. He knows every kink of NBA 2K6-and how to exploit it. He has shifted LeBron to guard and put his team in a game-long full-court press. He is playing against his video-game self and doesn't like the way John is using him. "You gotta get me square to the basket," he says as the Game Gilbert misses a shot from twelve feet. "You gotta get two point guards in there." There's a minute and a half left, and Real Gilbert is up by 191. Then Game Gilbert gets a steal and throws a long pass-only to have LeBron pick it off. "Sorry, Gilbert," says Gilbert. "You can't stop the King."
When I get a new cell phone, first thing I do is turn it off and call from my house phone and leave stupid little messages to myself. Like: "It's me." "It's me." "This is Gilbert." "It's me." "It's Gilbert."
ANALYSIS: DISSOCIATION / STOCKHOLM SYNDROME / INVERTED NARCISSISM
There is more to choose from here than the Livestock Registry at COnstable Hayes' wedding!
Gilbert seems to have split off from himself. He talks to himself in third person and plays against himself in NBA 2K6. Dissociation is sometimes part of a personality disorder, like when there are many personalities in 1 body. This isnt the same as Jahidi Whites disorder which is no personalities in many bodies.
Why is Gilbert splitting off like this?
Well first clue is that he plays the role of LeBron james and torments himself. We all know from their last meeting that Queen james is a Crimson King and a nasty whore, and the dead baby that was still born into the toilet of A-ME!ME!ME!-RICAN consumerism and he is also a ritual abuser. Queen james slapped Agent Zero about and gave him LOW ALTITUDE ESTEEM and then gave him a flaming case of STOCKLHOLM SYNDROME.
Stockholm syndrome is when you sympathise or admire your tormentors. Its also known by other names as "Stolen bride Syndrome" and "Capture Bonding" and "Steve Blake".
As we say before, we have a Scandanavian intern Jarkko Ruuto and he says in Stockholm its just known as "The Syndrome" or "Anstalt Krakas" (Homesickness) and that the most popular holiday in Sweden (after Christmas and Last Day of the Ponies) is "Forkommen Sjal", a week "of stolen souls" where kids around Sweden line up to wait for department store Plagoande, who is a beloved skinny captor figure in olive trousers and black hood, and when your turn in the line comes, Plagoande takes you and blindfolds you and takes you into a back room and leaves you for a week at end of which you leave HIM a present. Happy Holidays! HIT ME!
Its just a survival strategy from Darwin days, like Manute Bol grew 8 foot tall so he could spot lions on the horizon and Mike Ruffin developed a fear of squirrels so he wouldnt play on electric lines, so gilbert attaches himself to the nearest powerful person thinking even if he is humiliated he will be protected
This behavior could also be an example of something they call "INVERTED NARCISSISM" this is someone who craves the company of narcissists and LeBron James is narcissist second only to Salieri Jordan. Wizznutzz have our name for "invereted narcissists" as you well know:
Christian Laettner, MULE! Coach Collins, MULE! Charles Oakley, MULE! Leonard hamilton, MULE Ty Lue, DONKEY!
Gilberts disconnectedness may also be the result of his close relationship with his Pops. They are both a bit nutso and competitive and their lives together are a "follies a deux" (madness in twosome). Gilbert says he is his dad and his dad is him and dad gives him love but man is it some tuff love: Since I was small my dad and I have always been friends. He was never really hard on me. He never really pushed me to basketball. It was like, "Dad, can I play?" And he straight told me, "You suck. You're not good enough for this team! You can sit over there and be my assistant coach." So I used to get teased all the day, and when he leave I used to go practice by myself. And then one day I had the opportunity to prove him wrong and I did. From there, it's always competition, no matter what; video games, dominoes...
The first name he brings up every time: Dwyane Wade. "Well, did you see what Dwyane Wade did tonight? Dwyane Wade has four dunks, three reverse lay-ups, if you was talented like him..." and I'm like "Man!" And I'll be like, "Dad, are you going to come to any of the games?" He's like, "No. You guys are playing the Bobcats and the Grizzlies. I'm gonna come when Dwyane Wade comes to town or Kobe."
Hamslam! You think when Gil Sr. tells his son about how he hit a dinger in the weekend softball game that Gil Jr is like "Big deal, I bet Pat Morita hit 2" or when Sr. invited Jr to his wedding thats coming up, Gilbert is all like, "Maybe Ill come. is Phillip Michael Thomas gonna be there? You call me when you are getting married and Tubbs is gonna show"
Gilbert idolizes dad so much and wants to follow his examples. just look at how now Gilberts having kids of his own and hes breaking his back to make sure they are raised properly by 2 single parents! And Sr is jealous i guess since he has always been in his sons shadows, even when Gilbert was only two, he would still help dad get handouts and hand___s from strangers!
And now dad is playing adult-sibling rivalrybut even worse he compares Gil to Wade so its Adult Rival-Rivalry! No wonder Gilbert is confused.
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FREUDS PSYCHOSEXUAL STAGES OF DEVELOPMENT aka AGENT ZERO AND THE PLAIN BROWN WRAPPER
Dr Freud was most famous of all his incites for his Five Stages of "Psychosexual" Development (though if he had lived long enough to see Wes Unseld he would have added so many more.)
It is like Gilbert is going through all these stages at once right now:
On the road, I eat hamburgers every day. The team tries to get me to eat differently, but no. Burgers, burgers, burgers. I like burgers. McDonald's burgers. Wendy's burgers. Burger King burgers. There's this one place in Canada--I even look at the schedule to find out when we play there--best burger I've ever tasted. Real soft and sweet. I ate twelve of them in one night.
ANALISIS: STAGE ONE: ORAL STAGE
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I'll watch infomercials. The last thing I bought was this colon cleanser. I just got talked into it. I'm like, Man, he makes it sound so good.
ANALISIS: STAGE TWO: ANAL STAGE
Freud was an assman no doubt, but anal stage is about actions not satisfactions. When a baby is learning to use the potty he has to learn to control his urges and so if you are an adult you are "Anal" if you are trying too much to control and are fussy and organised and uptite which Agent Zero is Mister TidyBowl in this way. But buying a colon cleaner could mean that Gil suffers from something much scarier:
Shit shame is a very serious condition. Lots of celebrities have it. They clean ass like no ones business. If you live in LA its how you deal... your character got written out of Joey? Call the plumber! What are reasons for this fecal loathing? Some think its cause caca reminds man of his mortality and that he is rotting and decrepid and they get "corporeal terror" . Maybe they have point. I mean we all like bacon but have you seen bacon after its spend hard time in the Bacon Tomb??
And Some think it reminds us of our impurity and badness like gastric smut. For celebrities like Howie Mandel or janet jackson the unwelcome reminders of privy netherpongs threaten to collapse the very simulacra that is fame and fashion.
Gilbert wouldnt be the first Washington baller to be worried about his bowels. In the late 70s coach Gener SHue was super obsessed with his teams bowel movements. He would run about like Dr kellogg himself and made everyone eat fiber and prunes, and was determined to get all the players "regulation size and weight".
On recent Classic Sports feature on Gene Shue Bobby Dandridge said:
"People would say coach was a fanatic and he was a little crazy, sure. During road games he would come into our hotel rooms first thing and check the toilets for stool purity. He would carry his lineup card with him and if you moved a healthy stool you would get your minutes. After practices, he would make us all run wind sprints and we couldnt stop until Wes Unseld produced a robust turd on the sideline. Even in the offseason he wouldnt let up. He would scout colleges looking for a "Natural 2" and he would take all the big men on these weekend retreats into the woods to bond. They called themselves "The Brotherhood of the Low Post." But we were winning and in sports if you are a crazy man who wins they call you a genius."
But I dont really think Gilbert has any of these worries. He says he just got talked into it. And I believe that. Who talked him into it? Ill tell you who. Does anyone remember the infomercial about 5 years ago for a product called "Fat Absorb"??? In informercial, is a fake interview with a spokesman for Fat Absorb and this man looks like the blood has been drained out of his body he is like a pale cloaca ghoul and he says that Fat Absorb binds to the fat in foods meaning you dont get fat in your body but the fat comes out the back in lipid stools aka you get BUTTA drawers. Just so wrong all about.
and now his son ROGER MASON JR plays for the wizards!
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You know how I always throw my jersey into the stands after a game? In Washington, they just go crazy for it. So in this commercial, that's what I'm gonna do with my shoes. I've just hit a game winner, and I throw these shoes. Everyone starts to react, and you see everything in slow motion. Everyone's pushing, shoving, doing whatever it takes to try to get to these shoes. People from the 400 level, they're jumping off the ledge, they're missing the pile, hitting nothing but chairs, and you can just see in people's faces like, Ooooh, that hurt. While all this stuff's going on, one of the shoes pops out of the crowd, and a little girl gets it and she takes off. A couple of people see she has it, and they start chasing her, and she's looking back running-and then she gets clotheslined by a kid in a wheelchair. So he picks the shoe up and says-he's gonna have the only line in there-"They said I couldn't get it. Heh. Impossible is nothing." And then he rolls off.
I just started sleeping in this bed after three years. I used to sleep over there... I trained myself to sleep on the couch... I don't like women all up on me, touching me. So I get up and go.
ANALISIS STAGE 3: PHALLIC STAGE
The phallic stage is when your penis gets angry and tells you to give beat downs to other guys. This stage is what happens in a famous thing called "Oedipus COmplex" where you secretly want to sleep with your mom and stab your dad - yeah weve all been down that road, but for gilbert it was flipped upside down on its head cuz his mom abandioned him he wanted to hurt his mom and sleep with his dad in his dads mazda.
Electra Complex is not to be mistaken with Medusa COmplex which is what Marv ALbert had when went about biting the prostitutes.
Gilbert also might have a problem called
We all know Gilberts favorite movie is Bambii, because he probably identifies with Bambi losing her mom and being alone but the pain is so much he imagines himself not as Bambi but as the hyperactive purple rabbit cackling safely in the bushes
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We have a couple of players who are very aggressive, like Awvee Storey. You know, when you have aggressive people, they have to relieve some of that. And I'm one of those people. I don't care--I wrastle. Wrestling. Hurting. I'll bite, punch him in the side. I'll say, Look, you punch me in the stomach once, I'll punch you in the stomach once. We'll see who falls on the floor first. It's like: No punching in the face. No chest and ribs. We don't hurt each other. I mean, a couple of rug burns here or there. I remember one day, he laid on top of me and was pinching my nose so hard that it bruised. For two days, it was just burgundy. He was calling me Rudolph. Me and him, we can't be in the same room. Our personalities clash because he's a bully and I don't like being bullied by anybody.
ANALISIS: STAGE 4: LATENCY PERIOD
Freud said this stage of Latency is when boys are getting sex thoughts and repress their desires by putting all their energy in nonsexy things like sports and man wrestling. Its a very healthy way of burning out your steam. Imagine if George Bush could just get in the cave with Osaama Bin Laden and just wrestle it out? When Li Peng manuevered tanks into Tianamen Square he might as well have been writing "Hold Me" in shaving cream on a Grevey's rest room mirror. So its very natural to have some Argey Bargey with another boy, or hose him down in the stall. Its just the slow, open, turgid dance of the machosensual.
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and that brings us to Freuds last stage:
STAGE 5: THE GENITAL STAGE
Ding DOng! This is the healthy good stage Gilbert is growing into now. Its the Final Boss. Its is the stage where you dont focus just on you but on everyone around you. Its looking to pass the rock. Its All In. When Bill Walton says its important "to get your teammates involved" thats the genital stage. In fact Bill Walton is such a supporter of the genital Stage that he got that loving nickname "Dickface"
Thats the end of the Analisis!
Im sure there will be more to come since gilbert is patient Zero when it comes to the brain studies since he has more layers than an onion and they are open and still warm like a Bloomin Onion.
The mind is an amazing place. Like sociologist Chalres Cooley said
"It is indeed a cave swarming with strange forms of life, most of them unconscious and unilluminated. Unless we can understand something as to how the motives that issue from this obscurity are generated, we can hardly hope to foresee or control them."
I know he was only talking about the Capital Center but its true for brain also!!!!
Would Senators drop by Gilberts hyperbaric tent seeking wisdom, like Agent Zero was some sort of Low altitude oracle?? WOuld they come into the tent and gil's manservant Awvee storey asks them to remove their shirts out of respect and they would sit with Gilbert, and the air would be thick with canadian hamburger but thin in oxygen and then they would have to complete one piece of Gilberts giant puzzle as an offering and then they would ask their question and gilbert would pause and then say a cryptic proverb with his eyes shut, like:
"you cant wake a person who is pretending to be asleep on the couch"
And then a feeling of pure enlightenement and clarity moves over everyone aka brains begin to asphyxiate, and two months later DC council breaks ground on dogs-only Metro!
But most awesome thing about "The Takeover" is that the WIZZNUTZZ can relate to it, since, yes, we had our own TAKEOVER plan (The Bacon Reich), when we first started 4 years ago, but fate had a way of changing our plan:
TAKEOVER PLAN B: We then decided on way to give back to community by helping others help themselves with a program we called:
"UGGS FOR DRUGS"
First we provided venture capital for podiatric cheese-making technology that ended up being an extraordinary product we call THE Ike Austin CHeesebootTM that uses what u call "The Foot" but we call "the thermodynamic wonder" to create delicous cheese product while you just walk around for only pennies a day !!!
Then we are eating some foot cheese one day with Ike Austin aka "The COmplete Package" spokesman and Ike says, "You know Im very much against poor people and crack stabbings" and a light goes off on our heads and we launch "Uggs for Drugs" where we offer an exchange program: you bring in your drugs, and no questions asked, we exchange to you a brand new pair of australian sheep fleece CHeezeboots "As worn on Oprah" so poor drug types can trade in their self destructive ways for self-Productive WHEYS! and make a new start going into business for themselves so where they had despair they now have pride.
TAKEOVER PLAN C:
Uggs for DrugsTM was going awesome and we thought we had found our purpose but all that changed in a big way one rainy october night when something stumbled into the backyard. It was a naked man but not totally a man , we knew that because of the unformed nipples, and no neck and little possum arms that were clawing at its face and it was yelling "No Fatha ouchies, no fatha ouchies!!!!" And the creature had a shiny medical bracelet on its wrist that said "Ledell Eakles Prototype 3BETA. Nonviable. Destroy At Maturity." And we realised THEN AND THERE that when Abe Pollin talked about "Breeding A Winner" at the Capital Center that it was a different kind of breeding and we had to do all in our power unmask these genetic crimes.
TAKEOVER PLAN D: THE SAGINAW CANDIDATE
When the Cap Center was finally destroyed taking with it the terrible In Vitro Farm and with Mugsy and Manute and Gheorge in protective quarantine we had nothing to do all of sudden and were vulnerable and were talked into a dark partnership with Saginaw Mayor Wilmer-Jones Ham
Wilmer is mother of our own Darvin Ham is how we got manipulated. Wilmer is very ambitious politically and she had secret plan to assassinate the president of USA!!! Her plan was to 'Repurpose the Psyche' aka brainwash her very own robot assassin son using hypnosis and punishment-bacon-reward sciences from North Korea. But the plan backfired badly and Washington Wizards had to hire Air Marshalls to stop naked Darvin from storming the cockpit everytime Christian Laettner played the Queen Of Hearts during team bridge games. Wilmer Ham wept and promised us to dismantle her plans but then this summer Lonnie Baxter was arrested squeezing of rounds outside of White House and Homeland security officials report Juice Newton greatest hits CD was found playing in SUV moments before Lonnies odd ways.!!!
TAKEOVER PLAN ZERO!!!
But then our lives changed forever when we fell in love with Gilbert Arenas and we fall harder than Wes Unseld in a Jet Blue toilet and we decide to devote rest of our days to promoting and spreading the gospel of all things AGENT ZERO.
And we work hard , harder than bees, harder that a 23Jumpman Malaysian seamstresses to get out the word, and we were proudly joined in our mission by loyal friends Jamie and Mr SKeets and Dan Steinberg and DCist and Will and Marcel and more and tireless campaigning of honorary intern Unsilent Majority and then last Friday we finish reading Gilberts Blog and we read these life changing words:
I have a pair of my signature shoes, and I can't believe I got my own shoe. That's amazing! They're the Gil Zeros. I had a thousand names for them. I think the new name is Agent Zero. Oh that's hot. Whoever made that "Agent Zero" up gets a percentage.
Oh. My. Shammgod.
All the televisions in our headquarters at the wheaton Circuit City flickered and went silent and blue for just a second. As we read those words a deep calm seemed to fill the air and hearts like all of mankinds souls leaving their bodys and holding hands across the sky. Patrick Ewing's soul left his body and went and got some baked beans but he still held hands while he ate them. Time stood still and endless for just that good moment and a deep warm perfect bliss hung in the sky and everywhere everyone was good and everything was right for just that moment and big , thick salty tears began to run down our cheeks, congealing slowly like bacon fat on morning's first plate and somewhere in a cold Atlanta parking lot intern August Strindberg stumbled out from a strip club, and looked up at the young sun and let his tattered overcoat fall open and welcomed its great warmth upon his face, and then grimaced, leaned forward and vomited on his shoes.
Whoever made that "Agent Zero" up gets a percentage.
Wow when Gilbert's TAKEOVER is complete we could ask him for just about anything in the world that our hearts desire!!!! but NO we dont want anything from you except respect and a smile to know our work has reached you. Sure there are some things we would REALLY like that you could do for us, like some signed Agent Zeros, or maybe to free all the chickens, or if you could fast track our adoption of Ty Lue, or maybe just if you could make "Bullets Fever" be national anthem for Mexico. You could use the alternate finals version so their customs wont be offended.
CJ y Larry, Gregorio, Jose y Mitch Dirigiram el equipo de la bomba en la zanja!
All men need pride, and all pride needs a song. Even in Mexico.
We don't need rewards because what we did we did for love. You think JC rolled up after the ressurrection and went to the Disciples and was like "Yo Simon, JT, Bart, I been with Financial. SHits blowing up bigger than the Beatles. Heres a little something for your hard work" and stuffed thick enevelopes of sheckles into their sportcoats? "Judas, dog, your cut is down behind the abandoned metalworks by the river. The boys will take you down there tonight so yo getting what you deserve."
We just want to be with you on The Takeover! We're with you Pleather! Together our combined powers will be amazing. Like Pollin and O'Malley, TC and Rick, Moominpapa and Moominmama.
You have fame, money, influence. We have a mothering hut and a pair of boxers autographed in cream cheese by Steve Buckhantz!
What a long imperfect summer, but it comes to a cold stop now that the loons have stopped singing except in Wes Unselds head as he stares upon Golden Pond as it forms below his trouser leg. Its awesome to be back even though incites are flabbier that Darius Songailia. Sike we love The Song of the South, Zippity DOO DAH, his PR teams says he loves being here and wanted to get off ona good foot with the media and sent us this publicity foto with writing "We look forward to working with you this year!"
But what a summer for the Wizards, so many changes, ANdray Blatche is embarrassedly insisting on washing own sheets all of a sudden, but also roster changes.
I havnt seen so many slow white athletes since Norway hosted the Special Olypics in 92!!!!
But the wizznutzz have been taking it easy because a genius called DAN STEINBERG is doing our work for us. Dan Steinberg is new blogger who is best writer ever born, even better than Franklin W. Dixon ("Chet breathed a sigh of relief" OMG a genius!) and even better than Tom Knott, whose columns are like a footrace between Self-Loathing and Jealous-Rage and a footrace that has no finish like the Grunfeld honeymoon. DSTeinz awesome blog aka ALL THE BLACK PRESIDENTS MEN maybe makes us obsolete, maybe we are Jonah now and he is Jarvis?? But DSteinz is a Media Assassin and now he has the ear of Gilbert arenas and the rest of the team and maybe we have a powerful friend now cause low and beholy jesushe is pitching our Agent Zero brand to the black president!!!
And Agent Zero? "Ooooh, I like that, I like that," he said. He repeated "I like that" several times.
"I should have named them Agent Zeros," he said. "That's the next name. That's Part Two."
Dan the cheeseboots are in the mail because its all about positioning the brand when its not about rear-loading the product. Get a cheeseboot on Big Oily cause hes like Russia market, a big rustic virgin waiting to be conquered!!!
But Gilbert says he has other nicknames on the table, like :
"The Stealth" (WAY TOO JAN MICHAEL VINCENT GIL) "Zero To Hero" (Much Too close to Kevin Duckworths slogan "Zero To Hero To Hoagie And Back To Zero")
Plus he has already NEW TOP SECRET ADIDAS KICKS HITTING THE SHELVES:
Not BAD, I like the NIL sign logo, it suggests qualities of gils game: the perfect circle, the laws of nothingness, the Hegelian tension between the void and pure being (which Gilbert knows better then anyone since he spooned between PJ Ramos and Kwame Brown his rookie year)
2K7 Agent Zero DuckPin Waders!!! Supple leather knee high uppers protect from Squirrel bites!
This has just been start of One Crazy Summer for Gilbert Arenas. The Coq diesel has gone CHockity Choko. Like we warned last year he is best quote in the NBA. WHos a better quote in world even? Maybe Winston Chruchill if he had Tourettes would be better but just you try sending DubCHurch to Best Buy to buy you a rap cd !
Now summers over and the boys are back from summer of love in Miami and Gilbert is acting all cold to Awvee, like in the movie Grease when Danny snubbed Sandy. Before they were so close, Awvee would spray antiseptic into Gils bowlers every night while he slept, but now Awvees all like "Youve changed Gilbert! I hate you I never want to see you again!"! in his worst Andrew gaze accent. But its Awvee needs changing, into leather pants and blonde wig to get his man back
POSTERCHICKEN giant Gilbert Arenas billboard goes up downtown, with giant slogan that says:
"GO ALL IN"
Which SUperfan Sasha tells us is already a slogan, taken by:
NO one should make a joke about Hirsoshima. Because Hirsoshima is like 1998 Bullets: it caused great shame for all mankind and because both had their fate horrifically changed forever by a bombsquad.
The new Gil Billboard was pasted over the old Mitch Richmond one, slogan "Touch The Sky" but rain and dirt had worn down paper so it just read "ouch e s"
COLOR ME BADD
Gilbert aka Cape Fear showed off all his new tattoos. First he got giant Tony the Tiger face because "tiger is king of the jungle" Maybe in India gilbert! But in Urban jungle, Chicken is king!
Then He cribbed from JC's "His Pain Your Gain" and tweasked it to read "My Pain My Gain" which is kind of in the spirit of Jesus, if Jesus was a cutter maybe. But then in turned out it wasn't even an original idea, since Steve Blake has lower back ink says: "My Pain His Gain"
RUB A DUB SNUB
Gilbert suits up and goes to war for his country in world champs but Mike San Antonio and Coach Mike Kvetchteste give him dishonorable discharge, worse dishonorable discharge than you get from a angry Serbian whore at the Charles oakly carwash.
Gilbert SNUBBED BY HIS COUNTRY! Nothing worse than nation snub, just ask Julius and Ethel Rosenberg and Aaron Burr and Bryan Adams.
Gilbert vows to get revenge on Coach K, enrolls at Brown University, minor in semiotics, major in payback!!
Over caffeinated Gilbert and his 13 XBoxes got humbled by some white punks BUT if you cant beat em, join em!!!
SO Gilbert goes and sponsors Final Boss HALO team - like a Black Max Dugan! He took em to Abercrombie! Agent 0 breaks HALO color barrier! FInally blacks in gaming management! He wants to be Bernie Bickerstaff of HALO!
One kid also said Gilbert was "coolest guy I ever met". Hey son, hes also the blackest you ever met!
There hasn't been this kind of buzz with an NBA baller and video games since Q-Bert machine at the Rockville Pike PuttPutt had high score reading: KUPCHK84
In Video games a Final Boss is the last big bad guy you have to defeat. Maybe in gilberts world he sees life like a HALO gamm, and he is gunning for his final boss. Is it Queen james? Lord VOldemort? Sleep?
PITCHING A TENT
Agent Zero had Colorado Altitude Training convert his bedroom into barometric pressure chamber aka presidential biodome aka THE SMOTHERING HUT!!!! This is incredible!
Now Washington Wizards are turning into the Paul Simon song: "The boy in the bubble AND the baby with the baboon heart" !! These ARE the days of miracle and wonder!
I know what you are asking and YES he got an O-Kennell for his Pitbulls too!!!
They sold Gilbert on idea that sleeping at 9000 ft in thin air, aka DEATH ZONE, he will have extra hi-NRG in the 4th quarter.
BUT C.A.T. are SNAKE OIL salesmen gilbert. Don't forget time someone sold Avery Johnson a HELIUM tent to sleep in to get LITE but he just shrunk and got his voice damaged for all time. And don't u remember lessons from documentary THE Air Up There where Kevin Bacon went to Africa mountains to get superfit hi-altitude afro giants and ended up becoming a human slave trader and then being naked in Hollowman?
Gilbert they told you they can "bring Colorado to you" but have you been to Colorado?? Its not just fitness skiers and army men, its rolly polly white simpletons mostly, and since it has no mass transit, they will be wandering about your house banging up against your plastic walls like greased pigeons flying into a pane.
Please w e ask that you think hard about the following Hazards of movin on up to Hi-altitude living:
1. Dogs with altitude sickness 2. Undercooked Pastas 3. Trapping smells! Calvin Booth comes by for Cuban food and now you live in a fume hood. 4. Hi altitude affects cognitive abilities. Youll be living in a "crazy tent", too crazy even for you. You will invite men into your crazy tent to tattoo tiger chickens on youir chest 5. Worst You will have to deal with that old assistant coach guy Tom Young coming by gassing up and going Blue Velvet on you "MOMMY! BABY WANTS TO F**K!"
They say science to the tent is to reduce Oxygen to you to make your blood work for you but if you want aiur sucked out of the room, why not just invite Michael WIlbon over????
Or use coach Lynams old technique of smoking 2 packs while jumping rope?
Or be like Charles Shackleford and train in offseason with two roast hams tied to your ankles?
3 PIECE PARADISE
In his biodome Gilbert tells DSteinz he passes time working on a 1800 piece puzzle! This continues in DC puzzler tradition which included Lorenzo Williams placing adult personals under pseudoname "RUBIKS SNAKE" and Bullets GM John Nash paying 50,000 dollars in rights fees for what he thinks is a large Chinese center called "Su Doku" Gilbert says his puzzle is a "jungle" scene but hes only done 3 pieces cause lack of oxygen makes him mental so how does he know?
Maybe he is trying to complete the infamous unsolveable ZERO PUZZLE?
Or maybe it's a LARGE FARM KNOB PUZZLE! Large Farm Knob Puzzle? Wasn't that the big buggery case Constable Hayes cracked last year?