Then our site is flooded by fans to catch glimpse of Gilberts quartet of surreal, solipsistic short films, which are like a lowtop battle between the Cremaster Cycle and the Princeton Offense!!!!
But then the other shoe dropped. No not the limited edition Ike Austin/Laughing Cow collab CheeseCleat(tm), but the newz that Gil would be gone 3 months!!!!!!!! and the sun boiled and the wax melted and our wings fell away and we plunged back to earth screaming "Naaaaaaaa-choooooo o o o o o o o o o o.............."
We were desparate!!!!
we visited Jamie Motteram, our pastor at Christian Laettner's Divine CHurch of Machosensual Science, but when he answered the door his face was streaked with Kiehls product and tears, he didnt need to speak his grief, his overplucked eyebrows told us everything!!!!
We called our sponsor, Agent Steniz for counsel, but we just got the machine, it was Brandon Lloyds voice saying: "Sorry, my man Steinz cant come to the phone right now. My boy's too busy hi-liting passages from his old copy of Bridge To Terribithia and muttering to himself like some crazy motherfucker."
With our personal Patch Adams support team in a state of emotional breakdown, we did the only thing there was left to do:
We initiated the official Wizznutzz Doomsday Countdown(tm)!!!!
We worked quickly and methodically and without emotion executing the preparations.
Darvin was recalled from the Albuquerque Thunderbirds. He asked coach Ruland on the way out: "Do one thing for me Jeff. I want you to take care of my Momma OK Jeff" and Jeff said, "of course I will! Do I know you?"
By nightfall Circuit City was burning, Wizards team physician Dr. Barry Talesnick lay dead (he struggled WAAAY less than former trainer Steve Stricker!!), we had opened the specimen cages at the Abe Pollin In Vitro Farm, and we had moved into the backroom, slipped on our rare 4-pair of matching Jimmy Oliver gameworns (really, they are rare, Jimmy only played in 3 career games!), and slipped on our matching white sneakers, Adidas Gil II Zero X Customize (August wrote latin profanities on his with greasepen!), then we vaccinated Dana, and moved into the Mothering Hut with our tins of tainted meat, crimping pliers, a case of Capris Sun, a staple gun, a bale of jute woolpack, and Ledell Eackles...
and just as we were about to seal the door we paused and we thought....wait...
"What would Gil want us to do????"
and so we aborted the doomsday countdown (we just took the batteries out of the Simon machine) and broke up with our girlfriends and and fired up the Colecovision!!!!
THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO!!!!!
(Speaking of breaking up with girlfriends, it seems from his blog that Gilbert has something of a hands-off approach to parenting as in "get your hands of my mansion walls you weird little deadbeats!"
"Now she's back in California. You ask for space, you know, because everything feels closed in ... the house is dirty, the kids are drawing on the walls and on the couches and you're thinking, "Oh man, I can't do this. I'm not playing well and I'm coming home to all this."
RULE #1 KIDS:
DO NOT DRAW ON GILBERTS COUCH! !!! Gilberts couch is his bed is his throne is his home is his thinking place is his office is his Halo temple is his suede womb
We understand its hard gilbert, concentrating on your career in piece and quiet when you have to deal with the ruckus of your girlfriend taking care of your kids on the other side of your 28 room estate, so we have open offer to you gilbert:
You wanted to Collaborate with the wizznutzz, here is your chance!
Let us Raise your children!!!!!
We will turn the Wheaton Plaza Circuit City into a CIDER HOUSE RULEZ!!!! we will home school your kids gilbert and you can trust a good education of the finest in EDU-TRAINMENT(tm) available that will teach them unique skills that only we can teach them:
like how to not look GROKE in the eyes, and which Florida area strip clubs have a No Overcoat policy, and most vital: How To Melt Cheese in The WIld!)
ANYWAY......
We were disconsolate and feared the team was cursed and we feared total collapse from the Wizards, but like The Who album is called:
"THE KIDS ARE ALRIGHT"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Not the music album, but Pete Townshend's personal Flikr Album!!!!)
The last week has had many good games, lots of points, lots of discovering hidden talents like Caron's new threepee skill and Brendan Haywoods new skill of calling timeouts everytime he gets double-teamed.
There have also been lots of games against teams that have lots of Eurpoean talent, and european talent means lots of bony white guys with lesbian haircuts!!!!
I dont see that much pasty skin in a Hamburg youth hostel!
There was game against Charlotte Bobcats and Walter Herrmann aka The HARLEQUIN HAMMER!
For Bobcats its not just euroze with the bad hair, check out that bench: Dudley, Davidson, McInnis - no wonder they cant win games they too busy braiding each other!!!! And Not even Emeeka Mouse could help the BKats cuz there are 9 words all wiz fans know spells victory:
"And MacInnis checks into the game for defensive purposes..."!!!
Then there was Golden State with ANdris Beidrins and Kosta "Kostco" Perovic. Some say "Goin Foreign" is great for the NBA but is it?? David Stern gets 10 million eastern european eyeballs (not to mention the foreskins), but all we get is this:
Then there was Memphis Grizzlies with euro-paeons Pow Gasol and our old friend and filthy greazy spanglish bear chaser and turncoat and former WizardJuan Carlos LA BOMBA Navarro.
oh "La Bomba", oh Por Favor!
Taking one look at JCN i know they should call his Madre "La Bomba" for hitting the sangria so dam hard during the pregnancy. I never seen such an advanced case of Foetal Alcohol Syndrome!!!
JCN was born with flippers for arms AND a five-o-clock shadow! Thats one hairy preemie!
And then there was a so sweet upset of Dallas in Dallas against the Great White Wurst Dirk Nowitzki. Superfan SASHA send us a awesome story about how this offseason DIRK went on a soul searching walkabout in the outback with an old "mostly bald" German mentor (provided in xchange 4 Qantas frequent flier points) so he could satisfy his wanderlust and arouse his Weltanschauung.
"He had come this far... surrounded by sagebrush and stiff yellow grass... "
And that was just the first day having a shower at Andrew Gazes!!!!!!
The article talks about how Dirk went to australia, (fun fact: did u know "austalia"= ABoriginal word for "Floating Turd"???) so he could follow ancient aboriginal tribal rites of "walkabout" ("loitering") . In aboriginal history, they say aborigines had "SONGLINES" which were songs and music that had codes in them that told the history and also mapped out their land, so they could hear the song and find their way home, kind of like how hidden inside Nils Lofgrens' "Bullets fever" is a Hot Shoppes locator map, if you just know how to listen right.
WE r winnin and grinnin bcuz All of the players have stepped to fill Gilberts production!!
Caron Butler spent the whole offseason camping with Brent Price in the mountains and when he came back down he was curious about so many things, but one thing he was most curious about: how he could now shoot tha 3-ball like a white baptist!!! Not only is Tuff Juice draining threepees like The Rature was a WNBA team, he is still the teams toughest ballers. Tuff Juice is like The Equalizer
"Got a problem? Odds against you? Call the Equalizer."
Meantime Antwan "Antawn" Jamison is scoring for 2 men. Ive never seen such an amazing variety of looping layins: Runners, Floaters, Finger Rolls, Tear Drops, Giant Killers, Soft Bombs, Rainbow Pots, Chip Shots, Silver Horseshoes, Hanging Judges, Til Tuesdays, Tender Mercies, Creeping Cheesewheels, Raised Eyebrows, Drag Chutes, Broken Slinkys, Randy QBerts, Johnny Reboulets....
Twan credits his heavenly flexible ways to taking up yoga in the offseason. Fortunately he didnt take his classes from former bullet and current plainclothes yoga instructor Kevin Duckworth, who teaches unique trademark yoga poses such as the "Flipped Tortoise" , "Corned Beef Salutation" and "Accessing The Hollywood" !!!
Meantime the young gunz are growing faster than recalled wet season CHia Pets in a Bangladeshi warehouse.
ANdray Blatche is like some kind of ninja iguana!!!
With his big lidless eyes, his low heart rate, his sly blending into his surroundings until the rock comes buzzing by and then THWAAAP!!!! out comes the tongue!!! out comes 2 tongues , two arm tongues, he can block the ball and taste it at the same damn time whatta creature!!!! when hes not like a ninja iguano hes like those giant dancing air puppets u see at car dealers, you know, like "MR EXCITEMENT", or "ACURA BLUEPUFF" or "LOGO TUBE" or the mysterious "COMMODORE...."!
Plus Andray Blatche has studied in the Japanese art of "AKIMBO". Kwame Brown was a master of Akimbo. Its the ancient technique of physical discipline where you can make your body parts too fast for your own mind!!
Nick Young: yo we call him "JANSPORT" . we just started csalling him that today. WHy do we call him Jansport? We call him Jansport because he has been asked at a young age to shoulder a heavy load, and because when you see him he has a bounce in his step and lots of youthful NRG but you can see he has lots of homework he has to take home and because whenever he is on the court, for better or for worse, you know someone is gonna end up getting schooled!!!
Darius Songalia has amazing hands and feet for a man who is built like a gamey slab of elk meat. He is like a reindeer carcass that has been enchanted by a lithuania sorceress!!
Oleksiy Pecherov: When I see the team clownin with Big Oily in videos like this it makes me think of the retarded kid character they have in nostlagic movies about italian americans growing up in the 50s. The other kids tease him sure, they get him to steal them candy, and they laugh at his slowness but they also love him and treat him like a real person in a way that science doesnt and show it by pooling their allowance and getting him a nice hooker played by an uncredited Marissa Tomei.
And finally the fearsome Brown Hornet, Antonio Daniels. My Man! AD is so old school. He is fearless and attacking, with a lurchy churchy swag, he is man who is throwback to days when black man walked through violence and chaos on the corner every day. He flies into the flagrant fire, then struts to the foul line with his badass ethiopian profile like he just slayed a tiger, like hes emerging cool from tha flames of a race riot with the sign around his neck that reads:
TOMORROW ADIDAS UNVEILS "GilTV.COM" AND 4 DEVASTATING NEW SHORT FILMS STARRING MARVIN BRANDO, NACHO ARENAS AND AGENT ZERO!!!!!!
THERE ARE NO WORDS TO SAY NOW EXCEPT: WHEN DID MARIO VAN PEEBLES START FILMING MY DREAMS???
ITS AMAZING WHAT CAN BE ACHIEVED WHEN YOU TAKE THE GREATEST BASKETBALL PLAYER ON THE WORLD, THE CREATIVE POWER OF ADIDIAS, , MATHEW BARNEY'S SPARE LOBSTER SUIT, AND SOME STRIKE-BREAKING WRITERS FROM UCLA FILM SCHOOL!!!!
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Ivan Carter and Michael Lee are tha best beat men in the association. Their Wizrads Insider gets so much insider details for the hardcore fans and they work so hard and dont get the respect they desevre at the Washington Post at all. Sure Woodward and Bernstine had skillz, they brought down Tricky Nixon and Watergate blew up and all but did Woodward and Bernstine score an explusive interview with Ernie Grunfelds 6th grade dance teacher?
Did they live on nothing but out-of-town arena nachos for 7 months?
Or have a 5 part metro featurette on what REALLY gets cleaned at the Charles Oakley Carwash (hint it rimes with Werbian Shores)?
Did they embed themselves on Christian Laettners North American Wiggles tour?
Did Woodward and Bernie get the KGB to declassify Olesky Pecherovs colonoscopy reuslts???
"The best nicknames in the game today belong to Agent Zero (Gilbert Arenas), The Matrix (Shawn Marion). Boom Dizzle (Baron Davis) is picking up steam, but there isn't much else out there.."
Thanks for the sweet props Mike!!!
We are very proud to have made Agent Zero a household name!!!
And we have over the years invented many nicknames for DC Ballerz, and with the help of the powerful Agent Steinz some have stuck hard but others have slipped slowly from sight like bacon on a late august window pane!!
To show our thanks for Ivan Carter and Michael Lee for all their hard work and in the spirit of thier incites, we invite all wizznutzz readers to vote for their favorite Ivan Carter and Michael Lee nicknames in the polls below, or tell us one of your own!!!
We will pay Party John Ramos to airbrush the winning name on Ivan and Mikes '98 KIA RIOs!!!!
Monday, October 01, 2007
WIZZNUTZZ TRYING HARD TO DIGEST TWO UNBELIEVEABLEY GAMEY SLABS OF NEWS MEAT!!!!
ONE:
Last Friday sports blogging god Will "dont hate me because my hair is beautiful" Leitch on Deadspin was ushered into the high altitude media tent to interview Agent Zero .
We all know Will Leitch is a pro, spreading the thickest "Royal We" butter since Bishop STubbs wrote the best-selling Joe Namath mass-market paperback bio "Broadway and We" in 1902, so it wuz no suprize to us that Will didnt lob no Bobo Newsom softballs at Gil, and that before he feinted Will asked him the question thats been on everyones lips:
"Have you been to Wizznutzz? "
well let me say that IN the wizznutzz offices at that minute all our attention on other things including breathing was suddenly like the bacon in the SIzzlean commercials, and with our focussed brains we levetated that old bacon away from our plates and said "move over bacon, make room for something meatier!(tm)" as we waited for our Hero Zero to answer:
My dad is more into the stuff like that, the RealGM, the Wizznutzz, those types of things. He tells me what's going on. He was sitting there for five, six hours, posting under fake names, "how do you like that Gilbert Arenas? He's a jackass, huh?" Just to see what the response is.
It is true, we are CRUSHED to find out the Gilbert doesnt spend 3 hours a day on our site or even just now an then pop by to ask GarBot2000 for legal advice
plus we are THRILLED to find out that Gilbert ARenas SENIOR IS checking our incites, loitering around like Llorenzo Williams, lurking about the site going deepcova brotha like Tubbs on the comments board. We have no idea who he is posting as, he could even be the secret alter ego of one our famous regulars:
Cheniers Ghost? David Vanterpool? Lynams Disease? Good God - Unsilent Majority?!?!?!?!?!
We love Gilbert Senior!!! In fact, maybe even Agent Zero is a little overexposed and SO we are now backing Pops, aka "Gil The Thrill" from here on out.
Its like Tortoise and The Hare story, Junior has burned bright like a meteor through the blogosphere but Senior is steady and focussed and maybe he is the real future?? Maybe its like DOnald and Keifer SUtherland. SUre Keifers got a hit show now but lets see in 10 years if anyone even remembers keifer or if they are like "You mean that albino dude in Powder?" while Donald is talk of the town and has Tinsley Mortimer's racy smells in his beard and has a hit show while the only hits Keifer's got are hits on youtube for the humiliating Dancing With The Stars audtion tape that shows him doing The SMurf in the parking lot behind The Apple Pan with SOuthern COmfort in his hand and his career down with his overalls around his ankles.
NOT really of course we will always love Gil Junior,
But for GILBERT SENIOR:
WE GIVE YOU AN OPEN INVITATION:
COme And Be an Intern At Wizznutzz!!! Write for Us!!!
We have already ordered a new Colecovision keyboard for you, and well as xtra large flame-retardant intern robes, and a monthly RideOn pass! You can even play your ATlantic Starr records in the Mothering Hut!! You will get more hits than your kid's upstart blog we promise. You can razz him hard about your Click Through Rates and internet celebrity friends!!!
Or if you cant blog for us then
WE WANT TO INTERVIEW YOU GILBERT ARENAS SENIOR!!!!
It will be most gripping talked -about celebrity interview since Morely Saffer asked MJ "what did you do with Ty Lues body"!!!
Lets do it by webcam the interview! You wont belive the questions we will ask and we wont believe your aNSWERS!
eMAIL US gilbert arenas senior AT wizznutzz (at) yahoo.com please we woulkd love to set it up and take you right to the top!!
TWO:
This would normally be enough AGent Zero news for one day, but then Agent Steniz reports yesterday about Gilberts NBew Cartoon SHow "GAZO THE PRANKSTA".
SPorts Bog covering the wizards is like a real life Fantasy Island. Dan is Mr Rourke and he has Littles and if you can even dream it, they will deliver it to you. Gil has hired young writers from UCLA and USC and a Jr. Animnator from "Lilo and Stitch 2" and has made a cartoon about some school kids who get snubbed by the popular kidz and their leader is GAZO who carries out pranks and japes and has an imaginary freind sidekick called Agent ZIP.
SO with the outcasts and practical jokes it is no doubt this show is based on Gilberts own life and so it is curious to see there is an Imaginary friend sidekick.
Imaginary sidekicks are common tradition in cartoons. Like when Fred Flintsone had Kazoo the martian who no one else could see. And Big Bird had Snuffleupagus and Calvin had Hobbes.
But also imagi-amigos they are also very common for real boys growing up.
There are many reasonz people have imaginary friends.
Fred Flintstone's reason was likely from hallucinations caused by an advanced glioblastoma in his brain from phosphorous toxicity he got from eating nothing but Brontosaurus meat for 30 years. But for rest of us imaginary friends help us to overconme our "egocentric inadequacies". Thats what Jean Piaget says anyway. Jean Piaget was a child development specialist and founder of The Wiggles.
They're trying out alternate viewpoints, probing causal sequences, revising interpretations of changing situations—honing the capacity to take others' perspectives, he speculates, a skill that gave our language-speaking species powers of narrative dialogue that proved highly adaptive.
Thats what a lady wrote about it in Slate website about how imaginary friends are good for you.
Now if you know Gilbert you know it is no surprise that he has had imaginary friends.
The only question is WHICH ONE of all his imaginary friends he would cast for GAZO???
Here are some of Gils Phantom friends he had to choose from:
There is "BUMPER"
who is a small yellow rabbit that looks just like Thumper from bambi but has the voice of Mabel King, Roger Thomas' Mama from the show "Whats Happening". "Bumper" helped gilbert as a child dealing with growing up without his mother. Thumper had experience in adolescent counseling from the Bambi thing and Mabel Kings voice is warm and comforting like a big bosom.
Hippolito would help Gilbert make decisions about right and wrong. The two heads would argue with eachother for control of Gilberts young conscience. Hippolitos right head usual won. This is because the left head was always singing that damn Rick Springfeild song "Dont Talk To STrangers" over and over driving Gil nuts while the Right head of the tortoise was way more fun and mischevous and got into trouble and also taught Gilbert how to smoke.
There is "MR SIMs"
The imaginary litle man who lives in Gilberts cellphone. Mr SIMs helps Gilbert feel comfortable in social situations. To talk to him Gilbert just has to call his own phone and leave himself messages : "Hi its me, Gilbert!"
and
There is "AWVEE STOREY"
AWVEE was the rascally imaginary lockeroom playmate Gilbert created to help him get through the anxieties of a new team and a new town!!
But GAZO'S sidekick AGENT ZIP is the best ever because of the revolutionary POUCH. Its shows Agent Zeros amazing private imagination.
GAZO'S POUCH is truly original. Well sure "Gazos Pouch" it is one of the fundamental principles of Non-Euclidean Geometry, but in the make believe world GAZO'S POUCH adds a whole new dimension because within your hidden friend is another hidden space, a moist hidden private space that has bottomless storage to hide your trickster plans, and hijinks, and secrets and to hide your FEARS until you are ready to face them.
This isn't the first time we have talked about POUCHES and FEAR and MARSUPIALS here at wizznutzz.
In fact many of you know we made a famous mixed media art piece that we sold to the Andrew Gaze Gallery Of Marsupial Art and we called it
"FEAR POUCH"
So "GAZO'S POUCH" will be the theme of Wizznutzz 2008!
A place to hide our incites, a magic sleeve of tricks, a 'fun size' mothering hut, an antiseptic bacon incubator!!
Friday, April 20, 2007
Our Interns are canvassing downtown Cleveland for exclusive scoops (Did you know CLeveland has no Asian people?? tru fact, look it up)
-PDiddy is hosting a fundraiser next weekend at the Baileys Crossraods ARbys. $6,000 a head buys you VIP seating, the "HANG TIME SEASON 1" DVD, and bottomless tax-deductible jamocha shakes!!
-ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT FOILED! SOmeone tampered with Gilberts Bidet!! Luckily Gil was clear of the blast and when he saw the flames, yelled "HIBACHI!", called security, and cooked them breakfast right over the deadly can!!
-Secret Service detail appointed to protect Awvee Storey!!! Do you know what the Secret Service code name is for Awvee??? Hop on the comments board and tell us!!!
-Gilbert moves into Barack Obamas SoHo Island in online universe of 'Second Life' Builds glass gymnasium, unicorn zoo, retires to virtual couch!
-Claim by former college roomate that Gilbert "used cheat codes" dismissed as "politcally motivated"
-Arsenio Hall invites Gilbert to play the Saxaphone on his show!
-In a move to consolidate power, AGENT "00" aka Weng Weng is appointed head of the FBI. Opens "Un-American Activities" file on Mike Krzyzewski!
-Jerry Stackhouse books 8-day sleepover in Lincoln Bedroom!
-Black Presidents vow to balance budget by dissolving the military, replacing it with a spartan army of the countrys finest 300 soldiers!
- Gil takes 'Vagina Power' host Alexyss Tylor out for a $2.99 plate of shrimp at Long John Silvers, gets prayed up, offers her position of US Surgeon General!
When he asks her about how he can improve his defense, she advises:
"with a penis all up in your vagina, man you dont have no defenses!"
-August Strindberg scores book deal to write sequel to Fear And Loathing On the Campaign Trail, and a whole spin-off line of "Fear and Loathing" books, loads up Cadillac with hay, absynthe, ether and angst.
VOTE FOR THE BLACK PRESIDENTS!!
Stuff the ballot box next November! U know Gilbert will be!
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Wizards just cant be stopped whether its against "Leprechaun IV: All QUiet on the DeLonte Western Front" or the Throwdown in Motown. Hey is CWebb on the Tyra Banks diet??? 9 wins over .500 is like Ledell Eackles genome: uncharted territory! SOmetimez it doesnt even seem like Wiz r so good but just that suddenly everyone else seems so ugly around them. Its like the reason Steve Czaban has so many friends!
People say its team chemistry, like Karla K said to Michael J: "The whole is bigger than the parts" But make no mistake there is one reason we are so fine and its AGENT ZERO. He has reinvented his game once again, now he flies into the gaps like a running back, SWEETNESS. His swag is a roosters swag, a wake up call that runs low to the ground. He has such tite game because unlike all the other heisty shooters in the association, he isnt all about putting More Bounce To The Ounce but putting Pride To The Glide. My heart almost stopped vs Celtics when Gil went to the lockerrom and Donnel Taylor takes his place. Thats like going to see The Producers on broadway and you find out that for this performance role of Max Bialystock wont be played by Nathan Lane but instead by the cerebal palsy comic who was Blair's cousin Geri in Facts Of Life!
To celebrate our hero we end MOTHERING WEEK with mother of all T SHIRTS!!!!!:::
Thanks for the props awesome Jamie Mottram aka MR IRRELEVANT, only blogger machosensual enuff for TV! For Agent Zero legend, if like we say, Wizznutzz are seed, and Agent Steinz is the penis, then mister irrelvant, you r the FLUFFER!
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
The SELLOUT TAKEOVER CONTINUES!!!!
While Gilbert is popping 50 more times than Darryl "Hommo" Baum the wizznutzz ARE GETTING INTO BED WITH THE GREY LADY!!!
NO DOnt worry Wes, we would never make the moves on Connie!!! no we are talking about THE NEW YORK TIMEZ!!!
Sure the sunday times doesnt have the ad dollars of SPortsfan Magazine but its a start!
To celebrate we have teamed up with legendary Media Assassin AGENT STEINZ of DC SPorts Bog to present first ever totally unsanctioned contest:
Thats right! If you could ask Agent Zero any question at all, what would it be? Answer as many times as you want on the comments board below.
The best questions will be sent to Agent Steinz and he will select one to ask AGENT ZERO himself next time they are together in the Grunfelds steam room!!!
There is no interview in the world as great as an Agent Steinz/Agent Zero interview. Not even when James Lipton posed the Pivot Questionaiire to Margot Kidder was that as good! (JL: 'What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?' MK: 'Probably Red Angel Of Scissors. Or Architect.')
And now you can be what we all dream of: the salty moomintroll talking directly into Stienz's brain!!
Just imagine how u can go down 4ever in Gilbertology lore by teasing the newest nugget out of the phenomenal swag matrix that is Gilberts brain!!!
***Agent Steinz cant guarantee "ask Gilbert contest" so if there is problems we just rename this historic contest:
"ASK JAMES LANG CONTEST! (REALLY ASK HIM AS MANY QUESTIONS AS YOU WANT. ASK HIM TO MAKE YOU BREAKFAST.)"
And to get your Woodward and Bernstein Bear Chaser juices flowing, why not slip into one of our popular AGENT ZERO TSHIRTS at the Mothering hut!. They are now available in new colors including Blingtastic Glitter Inks and also supercool Metallic inks. We love the metallic silver one! The pictures in the store dont do it justice. Imagine a shirt made of shiny sardine skins stapled on to fine bacon resistant cotton... aka THE Romanian IRON-ON!! Free shipping!!! Many more mothering hut fashions to come in the next few days. Hey, Republicans buy bacon too!!!
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
AGNET ZERO BIRTHDAY BASH MEDIA SPECTACULAR!!
CLub Love Entrance
First Floor
Second Floor
The Iceman COmeth!!
More Iceman! Before the bodyheat melted it into a Kevin Duckworth ice sculpture! Gil not 1st DC baller to have ice sculpture at a party. Mike Ruffin had one made for his 21st and placed live squirrels inside!! So when the ice thawed and released the squirrels, everyone knew THE PARTY WAS OVER!
DJ Booth
Agent Zero Goth-Realist Mural
Gilberts black Lamborghini! This car is so sweet it took a restraining order out on KIT from Knight Rider!!!
Agent Zero and charity girls from the Home for Battered Solid Gold Dancers!! Gilbert rocking the two-tone suit! Designed by Thelonius Monk! Pleather=Pain! Gilbert call "FInancial" says "I want Diddy". Gilbert calls "Sartorial" and says, "dress me like HAPPY FEET!"
Gilbert not the only one sporting some black and white! Looks like Busta got to them before he did! COlors of Bennettons "Bruises of the World"
GILBERT'S GUEST SLEEP ON AGENT ZERO SHEETS! Twice the threadcount of Juwan Howard Gameworn shorts!! Famous people rubbing up against our brand! Now we know how Taiwanese AIR JORDAN seamstress must feel like!!
Travis, Lansing MI: Do you like the nickname Agent Zero? What would you choose for yourself?
Gilbert Arenas: Oh yeah, I love Agent Zero. It goes well. It's different. If I had to choose myself, then I have to go with the name I went into the league with. From Batman and Robin, I was the Boy Wonder.
Charles (Toronto, Canada): You said in an interview that your favourite burger place is in toronto, which place in toronto is it? Gilbert Arenas: It was a Ritz-Carlton. It was a hotel burger. I've never actually been out of the hotel in Toronto. They have great burgers.
Which begs follow up question: Gilbert do you carry miniature executive condiment bottles in your travel valet??
The "Dagger" was so powerful Steve Buckhantz had lost 2 pant-sizes by the time he was finished. Phil Chenier just lost his pants! In fgact this dagger so special wizznutzz introduce our first...
WIZZNUTZZ AGENT ZERO DAGGER RINGTONE/MADNESS BELL:
Did u see poor CHarlie Bell try and defend.. C Bell couldnt have been more disrespected if his wife got pregnant, then died in childbirth, then doctor comes and tells him paternity test shows father is a bogeyman from Cuban Folklore called: "El Jambomba!" (The BaconMan!)
We look forward to the holidays here. Ken has set up a one-man "nativity scene" in the mothering hut that makes Mel Gibson look like Nora Ephron! Our good mate ANdrew Gaze is staying with us for the holidays and he is sharing real australian holiday traditions like vegemite halfsmokes, and watching Reckless Kelly, and playing "sticky wickets" , and not apologizing to aborigines, and singing our favorite XMas carol:
SIX WHITE BOOMERS!!!!
.
WHATTA week for the Wizards!!! I havnt seen so much STREAKBUSTING since PG County police issued summons to Unsilent Majority for his naked concession runs!!!
First Agent 0 goes for SIXTY vs Lakers and Kobe snipes "Gilbert has no conscience!"
And who are U Kobe? Raskolnikov?
Da nerve of this guy!!!! of all people, Kobe is KING OF BAD TOUCHES!!! and thats not even counting basketball!!!
The Gilbert finsihes the road trip with 54 in amazing ESPN win in phoneix.
He did it in the gold and black alternate uniforms, and in those clothes we give him alternate nickname:
THE COPPERTOP(tm) "Now You're Playing With Power!"
Gil turns to coach Mike D'Antonio and pipes "GET THEE TO A SNUBBERY!! and then sings the GReek national anthem!!
The whole team cashed up for the winz. Caron BRUBAKER Butler was inspiring and pliant. Antwan aka "offense is the best defense" dropping more runners than zola budd. I think wizards season will turn on who will outscore who: Gilbert Arneas or whartever guy an a given night is dunking on ANtwan!
And Is there anything better than Bill Walton announcing a wizards game? It is best commentary ive heard since a confused Charleston Heston wandered from his house down to the dog track at Huntington Beach and bellowed:
"All who thirst for freedom may come with us. Come On Lucy, Scooby Flyer, Battlestar Exacta: the shadow of death will pass over us tonight, and tomorrow we will see the light of freedom. "
Watching Bill Walton call a game reminds me of that experiment you do in school when you power a radio using a potato!!!
And then on SPORTSCENTER ESPN achor drops "AGENT ZERO" name! Viva La TAKEover! Long live the Black Presidente!
That means you can get sweet shirts this week for as little as $12!!!!
Also fyi "lightweight tshirts" are really fruit of looms "heavy cotton" so lightweight frame, but heavyweight attitude, like Awvee Storey!!!! They make for a nice shirt, (though if u got Maury Chaykin manboobs u may want to go thicker!)
Also Some people have found small glitch in site where says "shop not active or timed out" if this happens just hit refresh a few times or try again and will work. The cassette in our TRS80 hard drive is full and we r working on it!
Friday, December 15, 2006
Everybody suddenly wants on the Agent Zero bandwagon!
Thats funny No one wanted on the DUCKWAGON(tm) and dont tell me it was cuz Chris Hitchens was drunk behind the wheel or cuz trhere was a naked guy curled up where the spare wheel should be.
Now a guy called "James" claims he is Jonny Wizznutzz all of a sudden and goes on City Paper for grotesque greed power grab not seen since Salieri stole Ed Rush's prize whore.
YEs we know james once, like absantee father, all promises. he says he founds wizznutzz just because he had his brothers Colecovision and played summerball with a droll spotshooter called August Strindberg and yes he gave us "seed money" and I know Jaarko blew it it on "Magic Bacon Seeds" but that dont mean that the "summer" of our internship is an Endless Summer. I know you helped Ken Beatrice at customs when he had human leg bone in his fanny pack but lemme say that 2 pair of Harvey Grant Gameworns in a a manilla prison envelope is not a 401K plan! I asked FInancial!
Sure u posted inspirational Cristopher Cross Lyrics: "The canvas can do miracles Just you wait and see" on door to the Mothering Hut but insirpation dont clear up blood everymorning
You have no beard. and You have no incites.
"This has been a thrill, a total blast." "That blew us away"
You call those Incxites? Those arent incites! I overhear better incites ordering hot chips on Ocean city boardwalk. You steal our incites. You go on radio with Bram Weinstein bribing him with sex aids, you steal "Virgin Petes Prayer Jerky" from us and now its #1 religious lunchable in dominican republic!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The only reason you even started the wizznutzz web was for Tax Haven, so you can deduct Schedule F for Agricultural Business. I saw the forms, you itemized Dana as "Nonviable Livestock"!!!
Maybe we fold up wizznutzz better than be MULES. Maybe you would rather not here the words we write on site, but hear instead words:
"My Name is AUgust Strindberg and Im a CVS Pharmacist"
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Man with the Wiz having a few down time days youd think theyd spend it hiding in the shadows like an Ipswich prostitute but NO! the offcourt japes go into high gear!!!
The locals were thrilled to see their heros! Some of the locals werent so thrilled!! A few of them remember the charity bus from 1999 and yelled
"YO is STRICKLAND ON THAT BUS???!!!? I got a present for Strickland right here!"
Thats Edutainment!!
This is best time of year for Wizards franchise. In offseason Abe tells braintrust: get me a charity army! Thats why the Ike Austin trade. Thats why James Lang so confused after preseason tryout when he is asked to stay after practice and carve meats!
Some hi-lites of Awesome story:
1. The are "lots of kids roaming around with "Agent 0" t-shirts"
Cheap counterfeit Agent 0 Tees are like the new Camel-cash clothing for poor people fashion!!! Soon Angelina Jolie be throwing them off the van by the crate in MUMBAI!
2. "Antawn had two kids in his arms outside the apartment, and Abe Pollin was chatting with Kisha..."
"Santa chased Michael Ruffin's three-year-old son Javon around the yard. "C'mere you little Ruffian"
When ABe Pollin aka Mister Drummond and his henchman Wes Unseld aka "SANTA funnyHANDS" come to the ghetto the kids know to run! run run run! They know the sack is soon to follow. They call Abe and Wes "The Gobblers" cuz when they roll by kids "getting scholarships" aka disappearing for good!!!
3. "Look, he a monster," one kid said about G-Wiz. "No he's not," a woman said.
"Yes I am," said GWiz quietly
4.Best of ALL!!!!
"When the Wizards fans saw someone else; "Darvin Ham!" someone said!!!! "Wait, did someone just say Darvin Ham?" I asked. They were pointing at Michael Ruffin. His arms were filled with presents. I was trying to stop laughing. I asked if he's gotten that before. "What, Darvin Ham?" he said. "Yeah. Yup." "Why don't you tell them who you are?" I asked. "They'll figure it out sooner or later," he said. "Who keeps talking about Darvin Ham?" I asked the fans. "That's my man!" one fan said. "You played for Duke, didn't you?" he asked Ruffin. "I'm not Darvin Ham," Ruff said.
HAHAHAHAHA ITs easy to remember kids:
Ruffin is the big hearted, undersized bench man who is a dreadfully afriad of squirrels
while Darvin is the big hearted, undersized bench man who is the former Minister of Agriculture for the Phillipines! !!!
<