First of our wizards team have gone into RAUL CASTRO mode!!!! They are trying to find someone desperatly who can fill their leaders shoes. All the Castro brothers are having to step up, even Kevin Castro and Ed Begley Jr Castro. Just trying to keep this shit together til a real leader can get back on the court. Tuff Juice has hurt his womb and Gilbert has had double setbacks of knee injury and having production halted on GAZO THE PRANKSTA series due to writers strike.
Everybody is having their troubles. Coach Jordan says about Rookies: "They are like zippers, they are up or down". Dana has her own saying about zippers but its about balls n' teeth know what Im saying Chantilly Boys Club!!!! Well our rookies are also like velcro - once upon a time they seemed like the next big thing. But there is such unstopping joy in watching Nick and Dominic bandy about with their playful smiles. They are like Polar Bear cubs happily ruffhousing in the snow , and they have no idea what global warming is doing to their world like drowning their mother and terrorizing Billy Joels Sagaponack beach house and making penguins queer. Meantime Andray Blatche is having sophmore troubles. He couldnt be more skinny and bipolar if he was 6 OClock. We should call him PAYCHECK cuz hes just trying to get from game to game. Dray is like a brother walking into an old pawn shop: he's either grinnin and winnin cuz hes about to lay down some packet for an Akai HiFi (auto rewind son!) and hes feeling on top of the world --- or hes slinkin in shoulders down, hoodie up full o shame cuz hes about to sell the family sandwich-maker to buy himself a busticket to nowhere.
Meanwhile The Brown Hornet is hurting. we know how much he likes to throw himself into the fight, he likes the hive, the thrill of contact, the sock potchy makes him know hes alive, but AD has taken so much abuse now and its catching up on him. We all love pratfalls, like Mr Bean, but then Mister Bean walks into an episode of OZ, yeah his funny walks make the inmates laugh at first but by the time the credits roll trust me its a place of shaved eyebrows, broken mimes and lost smiles. Meantime hes a drawing of Darius SOngalia aka NARWHAL THE UNICORN SLAYER!!!!
Meantime DeShawn Stevenson aka THE LOCKSMITH has been filling the arena with the clangs of his overconfidence but goddam if he didnt get Steve Buckhantz to ring out a Yabba Dagger Do the other night!!
I love the LOCKSMITH for a name for DeShawn as much as the next man, but I dont really understand what it means???? It means he collects peoples keys so they cant drive correct? But that dont sound like no locksmith to me, that sounds to me like A DESIGNATED DRIVER!!
Roger Mason Junior got some swagger of his own, but Mase has a smooth swagger, u never see the brother sweat. Mase doesnt strut, he slides about like a basketball gumby, he cruises around like hes Radio Rahemm Junior holding one of those old boomboxes that plays LP records and hes lookin cool but also keeping the Newcleus 12 incher from skipping a beat.
Meantime in the game against CHicago last week the announcing team of Flo and Eddie (thats our generic name for all NBA announcing duos that pair a black pro and a white joe) had lots of fun making fun of Big Oily after Andres Nocioni rode him like an albino Orlov Trotter.
Well hey we are all for making fun of foreigners here. especially Andres Nocioni who as we say beforeis one of 3 DIRTIEST PLAYERS OF ALL TIME
He is dirty in mind and body and act and his foul 4skin is like weekold tapas (Tapas: food for pockets NOT men)
Argentina has only given world two things, TORTURE and MEN WHO SMELL LIKE OLD LAMB.
Only way to deal with players like Nocioni aka THE DIRTY WAR is to be dirty back to em and hit em where it counts, right in the Southern PAMPAS!!!!
(If any argnetina people have problems with this writing then why dont you do something about it and invade Wheaton. No Seriously, you should. Wheaton aint not no Falklands. shit the president would probably just let you have it. )
SPeaking of Playfull Commentatorz, good lordy, i suppose you have all seen these videos of Steve and Phil getting all Sam and Frodo and turning Verizon Center into worlds biggest Buddy Booth!
It was most taboo act of affection since Wolf Blitzer and Alan Keyes crossed streams in a Velocity Grill urinal!!!!
Lets take a look!
Steve Buckhantz's Kiss Cam kiss is playful, sweet, and "simply sensational!"
Phil , having been awakened, delivers a lurching, insistent, hungry kiss. Violent! Disturbing!
Which we took ourselves of Phil and Steve during a 1988 Washington Bullets Charity Cruise!
They will probably delete it soon since the Steve Buckhantz Wikipedia Page page is monitored by a force of two hundred webmaster at all times but it reads:
Recently Steve kissed co-commentator Phil Chenier while on the Verizon Center Kiss Cam against the New Orleans Hornets 3/02/08. It was a friendly peck on the forehead. Shape up buckhantz, ya fruit
But while there is new passion between these two sports commentators, there is hi tension these days in the Washington Post sports department!!!!
For months Tony Kornheiser, aka the Hugo Chavez of sports radio, has been launching angry threats and polemics at our boy, the gentle but cunning AGent Steinz, and just when things threaten to explode, TK backed down and drew a cordon sanitaire around Agent Steinz. What in Joe-Jacobys-wife-Irene is a cordon sanitaire??? Hint: its not a french tampon and has something to do with why they dont have GoGo shows in MacLean.
Then all of sudden Michael Wilbon, showing the protective fires of his North Scottsdale working class roots, goes into a blind rage and threatens to BEAT DOWN DAN STEINBERG!!!
This is a fight we would all like to see!!!!
How about it Comcast PPV???!!!
In one corner:
the MSM heavyweight champ, driving around Arizona for a night on the town in his late model Lexus, fresh off a round of golf, with his make up artists in the passenger seat, tipping generously on aged steak.
In the other corner:
the underdog, the calorie restricted blogger whose days begin with rousing a sleeping Unsilent Majority from the backseat of his early-model Fiero, and ends with bailing a shirtless Mike Wise out of jail.
Why not make it a full on Gang War? !!! Straight up Warriors style, out back in the Greveys parking lot, with TK taunting "Bloggers come out and play-ay-ay..."
Wilbon and his crew ,
aka The Old Glories
aka The Mock Turtleneckz:
Don McNabb, MJ, Barkley, Elton John, Woodey Paige
Steinz and his favorite D-listers and sun-blind web ferals: Gilbert, Gilberts cable repairman, Bobby Boz, Brandon Lloyd, The Dead Tree Crew and Susan O'Malley's mom
But it wouldnt even be a fair fight. Sure Wilbon honed his fighting skills beating down choir boys at St. Ignatius College Prep , but the bloggers are Margot Kidder Crazy, they got flyweight frame, heavyweight attitude, they r cagey and desparate, and they fight fast and dirty. While Wilbons boys fight like Skip Prosser, with old fashioned determination, the bloggers fight like Dick Prosser, ready to snap at any moment and unleash psychic violence and repressed fury. WIlbon would step into the fray and next thing he know he got 5 little white boys on his back, choking him with his own Fendi manpurse and clawing at the soft bits while Mitch Albom cries and pleads:
Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harms we do, we do to ourselves.
Here is the two part, official WIZZNUTZZ WILBON v STEINBERG FIGHT RE-ENACTMENT!!
Agent STeinz is very kind to us today but we always say we r nothing if not for him!!! Steinz can do it all!! He is Bo Jackson of online sports media!! ANd the Len Sakata of cable TV!!! This year he provided more meats than Rod Strickland wedding registry!!
We have special Directors Cut of Jaarkos Big Day Out aka "INTO THE GLOAMING 2"
We take Bog TV, add some music and a naked picture of Steve Guttenberg and is suddenly 10 minutes long!!!
Viewer Note: Late in movie you see a white piece of paper that is hard to read. It is in fact a real card with the following words printed on it:
"You are being issued a warning that the comments, gestures, and/or behaviors that you have directed at players, coaches, game officials and/or other spectators constitute excessive verbal abuse and are in violation of the NBA Fan Code of Conduct. This is the first and only warning that you will receive. If, after receiving this warning, you verbally abuse any player, coach, game official or spectator, you will be immediately ejected from the arena without refund."
This card was in tru fact given to wizznutzz Honorary Intern Unsilent Majority by NBA referee Steve Javie for screaming "MILK DUD!" insults at Eric SNow during Game 3.
Unsilent Majority is now "INTERN FOR LIFE".
There are only 2 ways to be intern for life: One is to get code of conduct warning from NBA referees.
The other is to get pregnant with Kwame Browns baby so we can form "Knights of The Temple": wizznutzz secret army in Temple Hills Circuit CIty who sworn to protect manchilds sacred bloodline.
We gave Unsilent keys to the Mothering Hut to use for the summer. We were going to sublet it to this artist (Warning: extremely unsafe for work unless u work as a moile)
but UM u deserve it all!!
SO ENJOY JAARKOS BIG DAY OUT!!! Please Nobody tell Jaarko that we lost Game 3! Also dont tell hoim we lost game 4 and dont tell him about Borat stealing his japes!!!! Jaarko has been drinkling fermented urine when borat was not even born. If u been in the Mothering Hut then you know it is true!!!
Like Lawrence Franks first girlfriend, the team is just trying to get over the hump!
But its fun seeing springs first young, learning how to fly. People are talking with hop about how DSong "sees the court" and how Etan 'Grand Mal' Thomas is "a force in the paint" and how Jarvis Hayes is "realizing his potential". It reminds us of the glorious days of Scott Lynns late 90s call-in postgame show, when folks be talking about how Tracy Murray just needs more minutes and Calbert Cheaney showed "fire" and Dana had a different man every night. This kind of talking is the OPTIMISTIC DEMENTIA that happens to THE LONG SUFFERING. Like when people say:
"Im glad i got cancer, it made me appreciate life!" or "Im not going to be delivering Papa Johns forever, Im just one audtion away from the big break!" or "Hip Hop is revolutionary music" or when your son hasnt learned to talk and just stares at the roof all day and as you wipe the drool of his 9 year old face, you announce: "Hes always looking up. Our boy is going to be an astronaut!"
Just a couple days ago the Penny Dreadfuls were chockity chocko with Petit-bourgeois analists stoking smithy's fires of woe and grief. Though seeing this photo of the Slack Pack:
did move my loins - hey FATHEAD can u make me a vinyl wall sticker of these squatters?? Awesome suit Ghitza... something tells me that 9XL Captain Stubing number wasnt off da rack!
Wilbon brought up the possibility of a CURSE. Yes we have had our share of curses, as we have talked about before. And we have flown too close to the sun before. And you know our motto here at wizznutzz wheaton Bureau: "The story of Washington basketball is the story of overcoming odds. But mostly is the story of not overcoming odds." Yes things were sure sad. August Strindberg's Hungarian Suicide Song ringtone seemed somehow shriller than usual. The wiz were suddenly staring down more barrels than Breaker Morant. But a wind of hope has blown through the room with a salty warmth, saltier and warmer than the time Gil shoved a slab of smoked bacon up the locker hand drier. Suddenly Lots of people have good positive attitudes about the Wizards Playoff picture and its new slogan: "The Producers! Now Starring Dolph Sweet Jr. and Brian Austin Green!"
ITS A NEW DAY, THE SUN RISES AGAIN ON MIDDLE-OF-THE-ALPHABET STREET, DARIUS SONGALIA MILKS HIS GOAT, LIFE GOES ON...
FIRST Gil had successful surgery and wrote about it on his blog and on his even more amazing other blog and seems to be in good spirits even though the doctors wouldnt let him control the orthroscopic camera with his HALO paddle. After some rehabbing with a shirtless Eddie Jordan on his moon-bounce G-Trainer treadmill, all the Final Boss guys came by to sign his cast, and Gil got up to lots of pranks to relieve the tension, clownin with the inpatients like it was scenes from the Fat Boys movie 'Disorderlies' that he made Mike Hall go and get from Best Buy.
Gil put ice in bedpans, had wheel chair races, walked around with his hospital gown open at the front, spoke like he wuz a pirate, called his own cellphone and said "Gilbert its me, theres been a terrible accident!", wrote "cut me off" on an unconscious ladys arm, wrote "Lesbian Money" on dollar bills, replaced seizure medication with candy Runts, convinced Awvee Storey to donate a kidney, and smothered James Lang with a pillow!
[timeout: who is telling phil mickelson to wear those silky synthetic tshirts with the super-tight collars? PMix looks like a Manatee that got entangled in a discarded Hefty bag! AND Hey Josh Boone, Cypress Hill wants their ugly white guy back!]
Gilbert doesnt waste any time and on his website invites people to submit "CHALLENGE VIDEOS" showing in 30 seconds or less something they can do thats amazing and unique. The winners get free swag! Gil sets an age limit of under 25 so he cant stuff the entry box with his own videos, but Andray Blatche has already sent in a video that shows him bobbing for pancakes in the bath!
SECOND Beloved Agent Steinz raised the mood roof two of his sweetest posts in a season of posts so sweet it has been like if they wrote the Bible with Lik-m-Aid.
If you r a discouraged millionaire, hanging out with poor folks is such a great pick me up! Thats why Rod STricklnd only travels by bus! Laughter is the best medicine, except it your real poor then medicine is the best medicine!
What a day it was:
-Under the cruel gaze of basketball media, Calvin Booth is usually dismissed as a 'poor man's Kevin Willis' but in the thankful eyes of the less fortunate he got to just be a 'poor mans Calvin Booth'!!
-"Then came Mike Hall, with the dinner rolls." It is not only greatest sentence ever, it is also the title of the new Raymond Carver anthology!
-Susan OMalleys sister Kathy dresses the whole family in Mothering Hut sweats!!!! -Susan OMalley danced! GWiz danced! Steinz why the hell is there no video?????? Stitch those clips together with some livestock safety footage, an Eastern Motors commercial and the last 20 minutes of the Russian dub of 'Jack Frost' and youve basically got "WIZZNUTZZ: THE MOVIE"!!!!
-"Then some kids who called themselves SB, Serious Business, came out and performed three raps, all of which involved the Pollins. Like the first lyric of the first rap started thus: "Yeah, yeah, They say Abe Pollin is such a sensation...."
Got to give big props to SB.. they must be geniuses rappers because we all know there are only 3 words that rhyme with 'POLLIN". One of them is "Josh Brolin' and the othertwo are stenciled on Abe's medical alert braclet!!!!
-Steinz tries to stir a George Folenzbee Babbitt moment out of Mike Ruffin but to no availz:
"I typically don't get depressed"
-Drey Blatche hits on teenage girls, offering to be their prom date. "I bet your boyfriend's dont have one of these" says AB showing off his bullet scar. But a member of Serious Business quipped back "Yeah maybe, but we dont wear braces either!" The Andray "made it rain" with brocolli and headed for VIP!!
Bill Walton talks about how Gil is a real gone cat and how he loved the TAkeover and having jenuwine japes back in the association.
Then he talked about LEGACY. Be careful Bill, legacy isnt always when you think it will be once father time has climbed into bed next to it with scotch on his breath. Ayn Rand had hiNRG ideas about the Legacy of Objectivism, and sure its legacy can be found everywhere, but mostly inside the Applebees on Rockville Pike!!
Then Bill quotes the Machosensual gay militia-porn film "300":
You have to learn how "TO FIGHT IN THE SHADE!!!"
at which point Mike Ruffin stuck his head in a said, "Hey weird, ive got that same slogan engraved on my squirrel knife!"
Then the most moving of things happens. Eddie ""COld" Jordan walks up with his little son, Jackson Von Jordan, and comes up to Bill so his son can meet a legend, and Grateful Red leans down to Jacksons close and fills him with such young pride, spinning kind lies about how his Dad is the greatest coach in the NBA and once upon a time was the greatest player ever and invented dogs and all us old timers sit back and beam and think what goodness there is in the world and what a grand gesture, the young man must be proud and what an impression he will have for rest of his days, while in Jackson Von's small frightened mind he comes away only remembering a terrifying craggy white kaleidoscopic giant who is like a freaky extra from a Roald Dahl book that shall drive him in his older days to write Sadcore poetry about the fundamental cruelty of the natural world and to the sci-fi Karate-intensive fringes of the Nation of Islam.
THIRD Tuff Juice isnt going gently into the good night either! He sets up registration for
Carons Camp has the "THREE Ds" : Determination! Drive! Deer Urine! When a kid spends summer at Camp Caron they get memories, and skin conditions that last a lifetime! Expect all the japes of normal camping: SNipe hunts that end in gunfire, swapping Nair into the Nubian SIlk, scary campfire stories about the couple that found Marv Alberts bloody toupe in the back seat of their Lexus, and moonlight sneaking out to swim across the lake to the Alana Beard Camp only to to discover the girls already makin out with themselves!!!
FOURTH and perhaps most amazingly Wizards Dancer and wizznutzz MYSPACE FRIEND 'CECILIA' post a pick-me-up quote of inspiration on her bio page, and the quote is by August Strindbergs myspace friend: SOREN KIERKEGARD!!!!! "To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself." - S. Kierkegaard
Now motivating quotes are common on dancer pages, but usually they are from books like Marley And Me, or Tony Robbins bestseller "I Eat The Hearts of Fat Children For Breakfast!" or from that bane of girl's high-school yearbooks everywhere: Khalil Gibran (Eurobasketcom webmaster 1883-1931)
But Kierkegaard?!?!?!?! Maybe she picked up SoreK habit from Coach Lynams days, when he would write
This is what is sad when one contemplates human life, that so many live out their lives in quiet lostness . . . they live, as it were, away from themselves and vanish like shadows. Their immortal souls are blown away, and they are not disquieted by the question of its immortality, because they are already disintegrated before they die.
FINALLY... EVEN INTERN AUGUST STRINDBERG IS FEELING LIGHTER IN THE BURLAP!!!!
Straight Outta Norra Begravningsplatsen!!!
Some might think me an unhappy man. And it is true, just three days ago the caverns of Wizznutzz echoed with my despairing yowls -- much talk of cruel fate and pickling brine and wallowing in mine own feces and whatnot. The she-succubus had clenched her loins once again, and prickly darkness was closing in.
But suddenly a spark of light appeared in the fleshy night! And then a trembling fissure spiderwebbed its way down the dank walls! And then a gust of sweet wind blew forth, and my tongue wriggled with the taste of strawberries, and I found myself on a great green hill, back in Norra Begravningsplatsen, but the Norra Begravningsplatsen of my youth, before the decay and gonorrhea, and sheep were frolicking about and I was frolicking with them -- not the frolick of ignorant youth, but the frolick of a man who finally knows his confines, and thus his freedoms as well. Our fate is sealed, brothers -- but the rest is ours.
Onwards, Deshawn -- feel not your face! Onwards, Brown Hornet -- you know how to tie a necktie! Let Etan and Brendan embrace, let Ruffin set his reptiles free, let a thousand Blatches bloom!
And what broke me from my dank prison? Who was my guide into the light? In truth, there were two: Agent Steinz and Master Walton. Says Steinz: Smile. Says Walton: Fight in the shade. Says I: yes yes and yes!
Our thoughts of course turn to mighty Sisyphus. Says Brother Camus: His fate belongs to him. His rock is his thing. There is no sun without shadow, and it is essential to know the night. The absurd man says yes and his effort will henceforth be unceasing. He knows himself to be the master of his days, a blind man eager to see who knows that the night has no end, he is still on the go. The rock is still rolling. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man's heart.
My overcoat is as soiled as ever...but somehow the soilage is a sort of perfume. They can take it all away -- but they can never take this.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
MOTHERING HUT FASHIONS MAKE IT TO PRIME TIME!!!!
Its not as exciting as when cast of Dallas Reunion show all wore Pervis Ellison jerseys (We LUV u in retired mesh Char Tilt!!!) but still big news!!!
If you have been living under under a rock, then you have definitely seen "BLOG SHOW", starring Jamie Mottram of 'Cold Pizza' and Dan Steinberg of 'Hot Pocket'!!!
Its is part of Comcasts Washington Posts LIve brought to u by the Professionals Professional, Russ Thaler ladies and gentleman, who boasts 3 certifcates of completion from The Chad Bixby School of Cable Broadcastng!!!!!
AT first I thought it was a weird IDea:
like Charlie Mingus famously said,
"hosting a TV show about blogging is like LM(F)AO about Architecture"!!!!!
But "Blog TV" is more infectious than the SARS Express!!!! WE love the bell! "Everytime a Bell rings a blogger gets undressed in the dark!"
BUT EVEN THIS FINE NEWZ CAN NOT LIFT THE MOODS OF WIZZNUTZZ INTERN AUGUST STRINDBERG (1849 - 1912)!!!!
Straight Outta Norra Begravningsplatsen!!!
My overcoat cannot contain soilage of this volume; the sludge of disappointment, regret, and my own man-waste bubbles upwards, frothing about my upturned collar. The shrieks of the succubus...--ah, why even continue?
I should have known. No juice is tuffer than the fresh-squeezed brine of inevitable defeat. And that is the brine in which we shall pickle for the next six months, until fruitless hope worms up its bare Ruffinian head once again next October. ...But until then we have two more weeks of futile spasming, like a still-beating heart torn from a disbelieving man-breast.
Brothers Ike, Duck, and Pervis, soon I shall rejoin ye in Hades.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Its late FEB and the Wizards are moonstruck, up and down like PJ Ramos twin 7 foot sisters LaSturm and DeDrang gettin shilly-shally on a catholic skool seesaw.
We can but draw our fories over our eyes and wait for the return of ANtawn, "the mothergoose with the eggs that seem to be fallin, fallin, fallin..."
This was supposed to a chance for someone off the bench to step it up most definitely:
But Jarvis is still bringing a COnstables cudgel to a gunfight.
Etan's got buck fever, frozen in his tracks like Sylvia Plath by the hors devours tray at a North jersey funeral home.
DSOng is "getting his legs back" but looks like he's been gettin em back trying to outrun garden sprinklers
And Drey Blatche looks like an emu in a bush fire! We call Blatche "409" cuz of his shooting percentage and streak-free shine. DRe, its one thing to be up for a game, and another to be popping Enzyte like they wus Rolos.
Meantime Gilbert gets uncorked quicker than a magnum of Korbel at Calbert Cheaney's 25th Birthday spoectacular.
Agent Zero is the millennium's first true GONZO ATHLETE!!! Cuz with Gil its all personal, all absurd, all style over accuracy.
Like Hunter S sez:
The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.
And When Agent Zero goes out, hes gonna go out grand, like Hunter S: gonna have his ashes blasted over a tray of Montgomery Donuts!
Luckily there has been plenty offcourt japes to keep us glued to the Wheaton plaza public TV:
1. PAC MAN JONES bites, shames, and shoots his way through the Hieronymus Bosch Gentlemans Club. It all started when Pacman threw thousands of singles into the air for the "Make It Rain" effect. Dear Pacman: SIngles in strip clubs r like Scoobie Snacks. Treat them with respect! Shaggy always knew he had be careful doling out the greenies to Scoob in small doses, just enough to maintain the auditory hallucinations but not so many as to trigger the violent crystal rage! WHole thing is sorry, but also reminds me of time Rod "Dig Dug" Strickland and Chico DeBarge threw a large bag of Pepporoni discs at naked dancers to create "Make It Salty" effect!
2. TRADING DEADLINE PASSES Juan Dixon moved yet again, admits "It's part of the business" and "I like taking physicals!" Multi-team trade involving Brian Cardinal, Conrad Bain, a vinyl tub of broken Lik-m-Aid stix, and a soiled pair of Braggin Dragon tennis shorts was nixed since no one wanted to take on Conrad Bain's heavy, backloaded, expiring life.
3. WIZZNUTZZ.COM DISCOVER YOURNUTZ.COM, discover its founder "David" HAM, discover GOD, discover what became of that mold of Ike Austins testicles we sold on eBay!
4. AGENT ZERO PERFORMS BEST TRAMP JUMP SINCE RICK MAHORN APPEARED ON "CELEBRITY BUMFIGHTS 3"!!! Gil bravely endorses MAN-MASCOT rights : "Some of my best friends are mascots"
Hayes, Daniels and Haywood are of the mind that players should not get a tatoo of a nickname because when they get older it will look stupid.
"How's that gonna look when you're 45?" Daniels asked. Arenas wasn't in the conversation at the start but once he heard it, he had to chime in and as you would imagine, he had a different take. "What's wrong with Agent Zero?" Arenas asked. "Why can't I have that nickname forever, it's not a young name or anything." Daniels: "When you retire, people aren't going to call you Agent Zero, they're going to call you "Gilbert Arenas." (Haywood nods his head in agreement) Arenas: "Yes they will, a lot of guys are still called their nickname when they retire." Daniels: "Name one."
Well first of all I happen to know for fact they still call Doug Overton"Litter Trey" at my Blockbusters and Labradford Smith gets his fishing magazines under the legal name "Darkness At Noon".
Second of all, does this mean Gils getting an AGENT ZERO tattoo??? Gil it is only right that we get to ink u up - we are so good with branding iron that when we seared old Circuit City slogan ""Imagine That" on Ken Beatrices lower back he thought it was just burger smoke at Arbys!
And Third, Brendan Todd, you should talk. What u think those Eastern Motors ads are gonna age gracefully?
While in Las Vegas for All-Star Weekend, Jordan had the word "Passion" tattooed under an existing tattoo of a basketball. Jordan also has a tattoo of his wife's first name, Charisse, on his left breast and the names of his children, son Jackson and daughter Skyler, on his left arm. He got the tat right above the life-size one on Montell Jordan he has with giant wordz "Somethin' 4 Da Honeyz". This is what we luv about Coach. You dont see Scott "SHoutbox" Skiles getting a "Stout Bitch" or "Inflate Bladder to 300 Lbs" tattoo, or Jerry Sloan getting a "Fag Life" tat. Thats cuz Jordan isnt from the ball breakin coaching school, the football type plantation bosses, the monstres sacres. He doesnt believe in the obstinate, mulish, authoritarian foreman approach. Jordan aint the Jim Belushis "The Principal" hes more like "The RA", a playas coach. Hes havin some fun, trying to hang on to the Hi-NRGs of youth, keepin some flow, he looks at his team with wonders like he just set up his first bowl of Sea Monkeys!
6. THE BEAR V. CHEESEBOY On his radio show Tony Kornheiser opens a green eye from his bulbous orange face and goes SHOUTY CRACKERS on Agent Steinz for sneaking up on his Smaug-like pile of neurotic page 2 jewels. How envious and grabby can u be?? We know TK is territorial from the time he marked our booth at CLydes of Chevy Chase with his urine, but this sandbox panic has reached Salieri-esque levels, hes like an orange Othello, the Moor of Tenley!!! Page 2 is not your Karla Knafel TK!!!
TK thinks he is tha Yahweh of sports sarcasm: "I am Yahweh your God... You shall have no other gods before me. You shall not make for yourselves an idol, nor any image of anything that is in the heavens above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth: you shall not bow yourself down to them, nor serve them, for I, Yahweh your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, on the third and on the fourth generation of those who hate me, and showing loving kindness to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments." (Exodus 20:4-6)
Be very careful Tony, The bloggers will eat you, we r pack animals and will tire you out like angry Teletubbies swarming the majestic Barney, like CIndy Adams dogs will eat her corspe!!
7. SPEAKING OF AGENT STEINZ... So a few days ago the Bog announced an upcoming TV adventure with Mister Mottram on COmcast!!! Wizznutzz have been thinking long and firm about this TV show. In our hearts we imagine it as being just like CITY GUYS!!
We have some other suggestions to take to production meetings:
"THE BLOG POUND" Bloggers in special audience bleacher section making Arsenio Hall noises: "Whoop WHoop Whoop" , live-blogging the show, real-time loneliness!
WHEATON SKYLINE SET with real model trains and animatronic carjackings!
OFFICIAL SHOW BAND ARE REAL LIVE CHIMPANZEES! Led by bandleader Leonard Hamilton, who laughs loudly at steinz and jamie's lame jokes while his eyes betray the thousand-yard stare of an uncle tom's surrender!
UNSILENT MAJORITY IN THE GREEN ROOM BERATING GUESTS!!
GENE, GENE, GENE SHUE, DANCING MACHINE!, takes us to the break with his smooth buck n wing moves!!
THE "MASTURBATING BEAR" CHARACTER, BUT INSTEAD OF MAN IN A BEAR SUIT ITS JUST ARCH CAMPBELL!!!
ANIMAL EXPERTS! Animals are hilarious! But instead of "experts" have former DC athletes bring in dangerous animals!! Flloyd Rayford with his starving capuchin monkeys! Calbert CHeaney puts 3 african pelicans in a cage with a barking spider! Leslie Sheppherd's sand fleas!
MASCOT HIJINKS! Sure you can get Romanaian Muppets for a song, but We think the show should be structured more ambitious like Krofft Superstars variety hour!
But instead of Krofft chracacters, they use discontinued local mascots! And instead of funny hijinks, its brutal neo-realist docudramas:
-See UMD's JV Terrapin buy a nip of Wild Irish Rose from a College Park bodega at 10am! -Watch "Basket" bathe his grandmother! -See former DIPS mascot "Argey Bargey" appearing in costume at his child custody hearing! -Look, its"Dazz!" losing his pension in a web scam!
VIOLENCE! A regular bit featuring 2 bloggers pitted in a battle of pain and wits like in the SAW movies! Chain JE SKeets and WIll Leitch to a Green Turtle toilet, with nothing but a hacksaw, some tiger balm, New Orders "Blue Monday" and a lifesized Fathead vinyl wall sticker of a naked ANdrew Bynum!
SEX! The show should always end like they ended that NYC cable-access pornfest THE Robyn Byrd show !!! Jamie and Steinz reclining on the couches in buttless chaps and smeared lipstick, while all the shows guests, and various sports handicappers, and Phil Wood, and former TV anchor Henry Tenenbaum prance around in thongs making out and flashing their manbreasts!!!
SHAR! Demeaning gags with local indian deli owner Shar Pourdanesh!!!
To celebrate we have teamed up with legendary Media Assassin AGENT STEINZ of DC SPorts Bog to present first ever totally unsanctioned contest:
Thats right! If you could ask Agent Zero any question at all, what would it be? Answer as many times as you want on the comments board below.
The best questions will be sent to Agent Steinz and he will select one to ask AGENT ZERO himself next time they are together in the Grunfelds steam room!!!
There is no interview in the world as great as an Agent Steinz/Agent Zero interview. Not even when James Lipton posed the Pivot Questionaiire to Margot Kidder was that as good! (JL: 'What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?' MK: 'Probably Red Angel Of Scissors. Or Architect.')
And now you can be what we all dream of: the salty moomintroll talking directly into Stienz's brain!!
Just imagine how u can go down 4ever in Gilbertology lore by teasing the newest nugget out of the phenomenal swag matrix that is Gilberts brain!!!
***Agent Steinz cant guarantee "ask Gilbert contest" so if there is problems we just rename this historic contest:
"ASK JAMES LANG CONTEST! (REALLY ASK HIM AS MANY QUESTIONS AS YOU WANT. ASK HIM TO MAKE YOU BREAKFAST.)"
And to get your Woodward and Bernstein Bear Chaser juices flowing, why not slip into one of our popular AGENT ZERO TSHIRTS at the Mothering hut!. They are now available in new colors including Blingtastic Glitter Inks and also supercool Metallic inks. We love the metallic silver one! The pictures in the store dont do it justice. Imagine a shirt made of shiny sardine skins stapled on to fine bacon resistant cotton... aka THE Romanian IRON-ON!! Free shipping!!! Many more mothering hut fashions to come in the next few days. Hey, Republicans buy bacon too!!!
The locals were thrilled to see their heros! Some of the locals werent so thrilled!! A few of them remember the charity bus from 1999 and yelled
"YO is STRICKLAND ON THAT BUS???!!!? I got a present for Strickland right here!"
This is best time of year for Wizards franchise. In offseason Abe tells braintrust: get me a charity army! Thats why the Ike Austin trade. Thats why James Lang so confused after preseason tryout when he is asked to stay after practice and carve meats!
Some hi-lites of Awesome story:
1. The are "lots of kids roaming around with "Agent 0" t-shirts"
Cheap counterfeit Agent 0 Tees are like the new Camel-cash clothing for poor people fashion!!! Soon Angelina Jolie be throwing them off the van by the crate in MUMBAI!
2. "Antawn had two kids in his arms outside the apartment, and Abe Pollin was chatting with Kisha..."
"Santa chased Michael Ruffin's three-year-old son Javon around the yard. "C'mere you little Ruffian"
When ABe Pollin aka Mister Drummond and his henchman Wes Unseld aka "SANTA funnyHANDS" come to the ghetto the kids know to run! run run run! They know the sack is soon to follow. They call Abe and Wes "The Gobblers" cuz when they roll by kids "getting scholarships" aka disappearing for good!!!
3. "Look, he a monster," one kid said about G-Wiz. "No he's not," a woman said.
"Yes I am," said GWiz quietly
4.Best of ALL!!!!
"When the Wizards fans saw someone else; "Darvin Ham!" someone said!!!! "Wait, did someone just say Darvin Ham?" I asked. They were pointing at Michael Ruffin. His arms were filled with presents. I was trying to stop laughing. I asked if he's gotten that before. "What, Darvin Ham?" he said. "Yeah. Yup." "Why don't you tell them who you are?" I asked. "They'll figure it out sooner or later," he said. "Who keeps talking about Darvin Ham?" I asked the fans. "That's my man!" one fan said. "You played for Duke, didn't you?" he asked Ruffin. "I'm not Darvin Ham," Ruff said.
HAHAHAHAHA ITs easy to remember kids:
Ruffin is the big hearted, undersized bench man who is a dreadfully afriad of squirrels
It's a baby boom for the Washington Wizards. Three of the team's women-behind-the-men are currently great with child: Antawn Jamison 's wife, Ione; Gilbert Arenas 's girlfriend, Laura Govan; and assistant general manager Milt Newton's wife, Shalaun....
On Friday, the three were celebrated in fabulous NBA-wife style with a lavish baby shower thrown by Charrisse Jackson Jordan (wife of Coach Eddie Jordan) and Keisha Booth (wife of center Calvin Booth) at the Jordans' Potomac home.
(Tho Keisha Booth was just their for support. She found out she cant have children ever since the Doctors sat her down and told her:
"Your husband is in fact a giant wooden cigar-store indian, Mrs Booth.")
Also at the babymama shower there were Laura Govans legal team: "Rothchild, Waterman, and Hibachi"!!!!
Lots of formewr players sent presents to the ladies:
Rod Strickland sent in giftwrapped baby vienna sausgaes...
Sister Christian Laetner send it some Kiehls groomning products on behalf of the Church of Machosensual Sciences...
Brevin Knight passed out Bellini gift certficiates...
And Brendan Haywoods girlfriend gave each mom-to-be some fancy pink, silk lingerie but OMG so embarrassed when Ione Jamison squealed cuz she noticed brown marks on hers and horrified Countess Von Skidmarck screamed "BREEEENNNDAN!!!!"
Also Susan O'Malley showed up "pregnant" . Her belly wasnt real (her blouse was stuffed with Mitch Richmond bobbleheads) but her tears were, and her runningmakep gathered on her cheeks like dew in the cold mornings of ambition. "IM a Mommy Too!!!!" she cried and the girls took pity on her and gave her a bathrobe and a double scotch.
The the girls too a break from the japes:
They did, however, take a moment to pay tribute to those who made it all possible -- flipping on the TV to watch their men stun the 76ers, 113-98. "They would all cheer, 'That's my baby! That's my boo!' " one lucky guest told us. "Then they clicked it off and went back to partying."
If Keisha Booth was yelling those things it must have been a 20-second timeout!!!
Then they opened the rest of the presents. When Laura Govan opened a gift from Coache's wife, it was an adorable little toddler bumble-bee costume!!! AWWWWW so cute! yelled the girls but laura shook her head
"Gilberts not gonna let me bring this in the house. These kind of baby animal suits freak him out. You should see him. he chases Izela Semaya around the house sometimes yelling 'Im Anne Geddes! Im Anne Geddes! Anne Geddes gonna getcha!' til the poor thing is screaming. Gilbert had it tough growing up you see. When he was younger, he remember being forced into a little panda suit. Jahidi White need 4 guys to help hold him down while they did it on the back of the team bus. hes never forgotten that."
The big question going around wizznutzz HQ these days is:
What will Agent 0 call his new baby???
Word is Laura chose "Izela" and deal is Gil gets to name #2. On top of his list right now:
For a boy: GOEMON! and if its a girl; Princess Toadstool!!
Hope on the comments and give Gil some suggestions!
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
SO a normal quiet day at the offices yesterday. Strindberg dropped by and modelled 4 us the vintage Ocean Pacific courderoy shorts he just got on eBay. It was very Magnum PI in an end of the world sort of way! Then suddnely a fax comes over late last night and HOLY JEFF MALONEY if it isnt signed by exiled former intern CHENIERS GHOST!!! Why "former intern"?? well where to begin. First he had lazy incites, second he started to Tell Ken that he didnt have to live life curled in a mothering hut in the stock room of a circuit city and that kind of talk only gives Ken a "loose mind" and makes his fragile identity that we built up throiugh ruthless discipline fall apart like warm Kraut tumbles to the cold concourse bitumen from an executive frank! Then we find out Cheniers Ghost is working for Holocaust Museum whoich is fine till we find out the museum is in his basement! And finally, he gives secret evidence for prosecution in Mace Webber trial and thats the last straw, and we say "Cheniers Ghost, turn in your beard!" but he doesnt and runs out into the wheaton plaza parking lot aka "exile". Its like regular workplace politics, you know how it is right??
Anyway, the we read the FAX and it explodes our minds, and here it is for you as it was for us:
"Gang, I know I have no right to be contacting you in this way. You always treated me great and I think sometimez i dont derserve this old special beard I keep in my pocket . But let me say I had to run to find out myself who I am and I keep this beard to remind me that maybe one day I can hope to redeem myself for you once again. Well I have done something extreme that I hope will make you proud and maybe start to build a bridge to walk back to you a man, a bridge made of bacon and trust.
You will be reading tomoorow in DC SPorts Bog and Withleather.com about last night and the historic launch of the new GIL ZEROs in New York and about a "rogue intern" and some of it is truths and some of it is more assembled lies that a Jim Lynam resume. I wanted to send this out to tell you my story, to tell you WHAT REALLY HAPPENED LAST NIGHT that washington post editors wont allow.
SO yesterday morning i read that Gils gonna be in NBA store in NYC and I go down to Chitown and buy a roll of toilet paper and grab me a $10 one-way ride on the SARS Xpress. When i get in I am met by Matt from Withleather blog and Agent Steinz. Steinz and I laugh because we are both wearing XXL Rasheed Wallace Bullets jerseys but he also has pants. We are all hungry after the trip so Steinz says he heard a rumor at the paper that because new york just announced ban on Trans Fats that Outback Steakhouse flagship store in NYC has to go thorugh 3 years supply of cooking oils by next spring and so bloomin onions are going 5 for a buck! and not only that but now everything on the menu is "bloomin" now they even have Bloomin Pumpkins! But this turns out not true, so I say to guys, followe me to an old friend! and i take them to 51st and West 9th where Tyrone Nesby is still running his popular hot dog cart!TNez gives us free dogs and we get to talking and when he hears we are going to see Agent zero he gets excited and says "Man the TAKEOVER! Man thats cool. Wish Gil well on the Takeover. I'm down with all that. He can takeover everything, serious. The whole world, but tell him to leave Vilnius for me HAHAH. No seriously, if comes and tries to take over VTown its gonna be a dog fight. Gils gonna have a damn Boer War on his hands."
And then TNes starts freestylin Rakim's "New York New York" in Lithuanian and we roll away still warm with the meats of male companiosnhip.
We still have some time to kill. What should we do now says Steniz? Matt says he always wanted to do the "Real Kramer Tour" taking that bus to all the Seinfeld places, but Steniz says no ones seen the real Kramer since his bus was attacked last week by a the "Real Van Cortlandt Rangers" in SoBro. So Matt says "You want a Kramer tour Ill give you a Kramer tour" and starts droppin N-Bombs on the F Train.
When we stopped running we get thirsty and go to a joint I know called the 'Variety Cafe' where the owners always lets me drink Bud tall tinnies at the table long as they got the red PAID sticker on em. Suddenly Steinz cellfone starts ringing and his eyes bug out cuz the ring tone is Whodini's "Friends" which means AGENT ZERO himslef is on the line!!! Agent Steinz asks us "Quick what are some questions I can ask Gil" and there are so many great questiuons to ask Zero like:
"Have you ever wrestled Susan OMalley?" or
"If Clark Kent works at Daily Planet, and Peter parker works at Daily Bugle, does Agent 0's alter ego work at the City Paper?" or
"Is a dogs soul really shaped like a sausage?"
but with Steinz there on the curb outside Variety my mind goes blinkity blank.!
After Steniz is off the phone and we are hifiving and goosesteppin down 5th ave like Laverne and 2 Shirleys and Im like "OK its almost 6 lets get to the NBA store and stake out a spot" and the guys are like "cool" but then Matts like "I gotta break a dollar, lets go into Playland porn palace real quick" and thats cool with me , Steinz and I figure we can look to see if we can catch MJ abusing some dominican whorez. But no Salieri in site, so while Matts with the change dude, Im like Hey Steinz lets go in this thing called a 'Buddy Booth' and hes like Cool that sounds like a place for two pals to chill out and wait for a buddy, so we go in separate doors and its dark and then next thing I know this wall slides up and I see a sight that would even bring tears to the eyes of "Virgin pete" Ramos!!!! It was like being in the mothering hut again, but being in the mothering hut with Harvey Keitel!!!
Finally we get over to the NBA store. We got some time to kill so Im checking out the gear and the joint is filled with torists and muscle and the security dudes start hassling me. It turns out they have this policy at NBA store:
"You try on Richard jefferson fleece warmups, you put block of cream cheese in pocket of the warmups, you pay."
They got Gil Zero stuff all over and theres a crowd and I slip on my fake beard and try and act cool cuz NBA store has me on a blacklist from the time Rod Strickland was autographing and I presented him with a authentic 1977 Phil Chenier half-smoke to sign in mustard. How wuz I to know he would eat it and retard his insides 4 life???
Steinz had media credenmtials, but turns out they wont accpet Cap Centre "Budweisr Superfest" credentials at NBA store, so only Steniz gets right up close to agent zero. He told us later gil smelled like "sweet creation". I snapped some pics of Steniz sniffing zero:
I got in thee autohgraph line with my cheeseboot and a guy says "you cant have that cheeseboot signed son, you have to buy something adidas" so I drop 90 black presidents on some size 14 Zeros and Im waiting in line, and im getting closer and closer to Gil! And i start getting real nervous... I have so many things I want to say to him, like "why are your kicks low tops Gil, did adidas run out of posssum?" And what should I get him to write? I want it to be perfect, I want my meeting with Gil to be something spoecial. I didnt want to go Free Darko and regret it later. I want to do something spectacular. SO I think back to you guys. I think this is my chance to redeem myself, to earn back my beard! I think "WHAT WOULD THE WIZZNUTZZ DO???!!!! And then i think of Borat. Cause I know the wizznutzz love Borat. Fermented horsse urine, naked man wrestling, child prostitution? Damn thats just the first sentence of basic wizznutzz Steve Blake post. And then I think of the sack I have in my backpack. The sack I carry with me in case I ever find Salieri i can cut off his head and bring it back to DC to display as a warning to greedy drifters to stay away. I would take Salieris head and put it on a tall stick someplace on the beltway or the potomac. Maybe at the Newseum.
And then I see what I have to do ...
and that I have to do it NOW ...
and I rush forward...
WE R BURSTING WITH PRIDE When u r out of jail COME HOME CHENIERS GHOST, COME HOME!!
Read Agent Steniz and Withleathers censored accounts of last night:
Steinz's Sports Bog turns up another gem!!! He went around asking people what they thought of his synthetic balls from the NBA that he was carrying around & asking about, and he turned up this GENUINE QUOTE:
Former Bullets cheerleader Susan Colbert (1983-'85): I've been knocked in the head by enough balls; we say the softer the better.
WizzNutzz intern Dana Von Postgame Call-In Show Girl says, "AMEN! Though occasionally I like a hard ball upside my dome because it reminds me to tell my man to get his sack checked for goiters and shit."