The 2008 Wizards/Cavs series was a battle! A Battle of the Bands!
DeShawn Stevenson got chippy on the playground so Queen James went to get his older brother Jay-Z, then DeShawn went and got his younger brother Soulja Boy, and some dude named Pro'Verb came out of the woods and jumped on Jigga's fat back, then Brian Scalabrine rolled up on LeBron with elbows flying yelling "Dont wurry, Scabber-vision aint blurry!" then Big Z borrowed Right Said Freds razor to shave his armpits!
We got all the Diss Tracks here for ya in one place!!!!
Well of course they do! In Africa its Christmas EVERY DAY with all the celebrity handouts they get while all they do is sit around and wait 4 rain and Starburys.
Africans wake up everyday asking the questions "Did Angelina Jolie steal any of my babies last night??" and then " I wonder what presents the FedEX man will bring from Big Charity today?!!!
Will it be a solar powered laptop? Will it be a second hand WHAM! t-shirt? Will it be Capris Sun purification tablets? Will it be those limited edition Dikembe Mutombo Reebok Relief Pumps(tm) that provide ankle support plus power my village for 6 hours?
There is lots of ignorance about the country Africa. Like did you know that Burkina Faso is a small African country that was colonized in 1982 by former players from the ABA?
Well its true!
Or did you know that the biggest shopping mall in the world is in Sierra Leone? It has no roller coaster in it but it does have Bono in the food court and the only Chesapeake Knife & Tool store to sell AK-47s. (It also has the most profitable branch of Spencer Gifts in the world, even more profitable than the one in Wheaton Plaza, but Wheaton Plaza Spencer Gifts doesnt recognize the SIerra Leone Spencer because they say their popular edible underpants are heavily subsidized by the UN.)
Or did you know that Rap Music was invented in Africa?
Well we do, thats why we were so excited when we got a very special, very rare, 7" record in the mail from one of the godfathers of African Rap...
No not Fear of a Ladysmith Black Planet No not Namibians With Attitude No not America Bambaataa No not even a record from the murderous neo-soul band: Idy! Idi! Idé! No its even more huge than all of those, it was
This Etonic promo joint dropped in 1987, and a legendary producers Hurt Em Bad, helped out Akeem a little. Hurt Em Bads job was to "write" and "perform" the song.
The song Unbeatable Dream is chopped and screwed, Houston style, and featurez Akeem throwing out the truth like Zulu spears:
Seven foot tall with a basketball he slams like he's insane Grand-Master of the NBA but just a novice at the game Dripping with sweat & soaking wet ETONICS on his feet His name's Akeem but he's called the Dream, And I won't accept defeat.
From Africa Olajuwon means striving to the top Twin Tower number 34 The Dream cannot be stopped A warning to the competition throughout the NBA He's going for the MVP, So c'mon make my day
With ETONIC shoes & inside moves he powers to the hoop He takes a pass high above the glass for the one-hand alley-oop And you won't survive on the dribble-drive cause he'll steal it from your bands Think you're hot? Then take a shot and he'll slap it in the stands
Akeem is back with shoes that match in his red white and gold And if you wanna be Number 1 then this is what I'm told Work up a sweat get soaking wet keep striving like Akeem And put ETONICS on your feet, And be just like the Dream
Hurt em bad dropped the ball of coming up with good rimes for ETONIC, rimes like BUBONIC CHRONIC, or MONALO BLAHNIK or MONOPHONIC TONIC.
ALso another thing is clear, them boys have a for real sweat fetish!!! There is no "right" guard for running the moist offense of Hurt em Bad!!!
When people bought copies of Unbeatable Dream, some money went to fight horrible disease called LUPUS.
There is rule for scientists for African diseases: The funnier the name, the more horrible is the disease. Like "Teste Fly". Hilarious. DEADLY. Same is true for Lupus, which is sickness brought by waterborne parasite in africa that goes into brain and makes your head swell up 3 times normal size like character its named for: "Lupus" from Charlie Brown comics.
God Shammgod just sent us a summer care package from china!!!
10 pounds of herpes resistant catifsh and a brand new mixtape!!!
On the mixtape was this super-rare madness "N.B.A. RAP" thats icin like tyson!!!
....The greatest Baller song of all time that dropped into the AM waves with tha heavy authority of a Greevy's potato skin about the time that Agent Zero was first pawing at Gil Srs linen blazer for a fruitfless teat!!
Shoot. Swoop. Loop Da Loop, Ya take Caldwell Jones to the hoop I said Slam. Pow. To hear tha sounds of the swish of the nets from the turnaround
To give the game all that I got, To never miss a jump shot To capitalize on their mistakes To run and gun on the fast break
Its the greatest rimes since Samuel Taylor Coleridge aka "STay COld" freestyled:
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan A stately pleasure-dome decree: Up jump thee boogie, To thy boggie to thee boggie do be
I know "Hurt em Bad" name sounds like some early Nine-Os New Jack Swingaz, but you better smell yourself before ya Ledell yoself cuz:
'NBA RAP' is vintage 1982!!!!
82!!!! Its like the first rap song ever! All the Kidd n Play Creationists right now be saying "Wait, there were black people in 82??!!!"
Back in 82, rap was young and still experimenting: like a young college freshman David Stern when he moved into his dorm and met new roomate Randy Pontz, the physically confident, sexually adventurous jew warrior from new Paltz with his long legs and short towel 82! Yo to get a sense of how old skool that is, check it on our Hip-Hop NBA timeline:
1982 was:
-2 years before LeBron James was born!
-3 years before Larry Blackmon wore his codpiece outside of the house for the 1st time!!
-4 years before the great Helen Reddy appeared in Fat Boys movie Disorderlies!!
-10 years before Gheorghe Muresan made the Guinness Book for owning the baggiest pair of denim jeans in the world, then set another record that same summer for wearing them backwards at a Kriss Kross concert!
-12 years before Brent Price lost his respect and wife to brother Mark in a heated breakoff
-16 years before "CWebb" released the Gangsta epic 2Much Drama
-22 years before Tyrone "T-Nez" Nesby danced on stage with Peasants and New Democratic Party Union candidate Kazimira Prunskiene at a Lithuanian political rally!!
-25 years before Tony Parker drops coucougnettes and drops "TP"
-35 years before MC Brains is eligible for Rock n Roll Hall Of Fame!!!
Its a cautionary tale about the villagers of small hamlet called 'Cleveland' and a magic mule and greed and the savage burden of expectation and sudden fortune, and shows us all that even in timez of great despair, man can find comfort in the redemptive power of bacon.
I wrote this rhyme in 1998, but could not find a beat to put it to. Now, thanks to the miracle of home computer technology, song-crafting capabilities are Logitech desktop microphone. I give it to the Internets because, as Bob Marley sang, 'In this great [Washington basketball] future, you can't forget your past.' Plus I get a Get Out of Mothering Hut Free! Card for such unabashed suck-uppery. Right, Darvin?
posted by God Shammgod |
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9:15 AM
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Thursday, November 16, 2006
We love Manute Bol! Ever since Kevin Bacon stole him home from Africa. We always say he is like Sudans Muhammad Ali, but without the strength or integrity!
And Kenn Kweder is like Philadelphias Janis Joplin but without the fame or the 14" mechanical penis!!! Everyone loves The Ballad of Manute Bol! Brad Pitt dropped Jen like a sack of coal when she wouldnt let him play it at the wedding and it was briefly the national Anthem of Ireland!!
Who's that man over there who s so incredibly tall? Who's that man who can block the shots as high as city hall? Who's that man when he enters a game the other team goes outta control? Who's the greatest basketball player in the game of basketball? Manute, Manute J. Bol Oh, Manute! Manute J. >Bol Oh, Manute! Manute J. Bol Oh, Manute! Manute J. Bol
Seven foot one? No Seven foot two? No Seven foot three? No Seven foot four? No Seven foot five? No Seven foot six? Almost Seven foot seven? Yeah!
posted by God Shammgod |
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3:13 PM
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Monday, October 16, 2006
WIZZNUTZZ SPecial triubute to special man:
Peter "Party John" Ramos aka Peter non Colpevole aka Virgin pete!
He only started balling when he turned 14 and his ice skates no longer fit. He played 4 years in the Puerto Rico leagues before the Wiz drafted him in the second round in 2004. PJ spent most of that year handing out towels on the Wiz bench and trying to fend off the advances of G-Wiz, and he spent most of last year buying meaty sambucas for co-eds in Roanoke. In october 2006 the 7'3" hardwood vixen was released.
After Abe wandered in and gave him an "MVP cake," Party John slipped on his platform shoes, put on his shiny jacket, and took that long walk down Fun Street one last time. He then got sidetracked by the Spy Museum and fell asleep in the School for Spies exhibit.
During pliant trouser challenges of 2k6 playoffs versus Cleveland Wizznutzz rallied the hometown fans with music, just like a poor mans poor Nils Lofgren, and we got 2 superfanz to remix our instant classic "Queen james" and they delivered major HAMSLAMZ supremez
Unlike Chris Webber, u can put this pure ecstacy in your mouth legally!!!
DnB, is that Dave & Busters???? We've always wanted to front the synth-pop band Band of Love!!! No, REALLY. Our favorite song EVER is "I Touch Roses (a.k.a Kwames %@*&!)." Fergie is also responsible for the LEGENDARY "Bullets Fever" remix that can also be downloaded from God's Mix Tape!!! Go get it now below!!!
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1:17 PM
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| BACK TO God's Mix Tape YOU DA MAN YOU DA MAN! THATS THE REASON IM A BULLETS FAN Unknown Artist
These awesome rappers sound like that group The Goats, and the 1997 Bullets played like goats!!!!
"Llorenzo Williams - You Da Man You Da Man" sends shivers down the spine!!! Wizznutzz say: "Hang Llorenzo Williams' jersey from the rafters, with llorenzo still in it!!!!"
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1:13 PM
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Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Being the BLACK PRESIDENT AND Agent Zero means Gilbert loves political music -- and not just from the crusty-punk axis of power!! He loves revolutionary songs of the SOuth African anti-apartheid fight so much that the he still won't play Sun City!!! (We're not talking Phoenix, Tom Knott!!!)
This song was originally written for Nelson Mandela by South African pop star Brenda Fassie, who has great taste in BLACK PRESIDENTS!!! Murderous dictator Charles Taylor in Liberia notwithstanding!!! She would have surely loved Gilbert, for though he is an ASSASSIN, he's a good-hearted assassin, like The Professional or Elektra or John Cusak in GRoss Point Blank!!!
Brenda Fassie was known as the "Madonna of the Townships" -- right up until she overdosed on cocaine and fell into her son's arms! Tragic!!! G-Wiz and Jerry Stackhouse had a similar incident when they tried to spend a 9th day in their weeklong beach house rental and a coked up G-Wiz kept lighting himself on fire and inhaled the burning fumes from his polypropelene underwear. He collapsed in Stack's arms, but luckily Stack was wearing MAN TIGHTS which kept his groin warm whenever G-Wiz's hand strayed so he was able to carry his lover all the way to the Holy Cross hospital in Silver Spring. THAT'S RIGHT, STACK RAN 800 MILES FROM THE OUTER BANKS WITH A TEAM MASCOT IN HIS ARMS BECAUSE HIS MAN TIGHTS ARE THAT IMPORTANT TO HIM!!!
posted by God Shammgod |
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10:35 AM
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Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Acoording to Agent Zero'z MySpace site he likes the rappers: MY NIGGA "GAME" MY NIGGA"FABOLOUS"MY NIGGA"LIL WAYNE"AND I FUCKS WITH YOUNG GEEZY
Dana's fucked with Young Geezy, too, but that was after she dropped a roofy-Cialis combo into his Cris and rode him like an old mule!!!
What Gilbert, aka The Black President, doesn't tell people on MYSpace is how much he LOVES the anarcho-punk scene of early 80s britain!!! Seriously, Gilbert has every single Crass album with ORIGINAL posters in mint condition. And the first time Gilbert did "The Bad Touch" was to a sketch of Eve Libertine he bought off a down & out Steve Ignorant!!!
When he's done building his jersey museum in the the floor of his new home, Gilbert's going to throw together a "Tribute to Crusties" in his basement bathroom. Playing the whole time you're "dropping a dime" will be Rudimentary Peni's "Black President," which Gilbert has called "aural Exlax." At one minute long you gotta crap fast in order to not hear it twice!!
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7:50 AM
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Thursday, February 16, 2006
WIZZNUTZZ MENTIONED ON AOL SPORTS BLOGGERS LIVE GIL ARENAS INTERVIEW!
Wizznutzz real question for Gilbert , the one about Ruffin's SquirrelFear and Gils custom SUV that runs on dog power and pudding, was censored.
posted by God Shammgod |
