What's Your Price for Flight?
Monday, October 02, 2006
Earth shaking news out of the National Basketball Associations! Sister Christian is buying the Memphis Grizzzlies and plans to come out of retirement to become the first owner/player since Salieri sold his 1% interest back to Abe Pollin! This is very exciting news for all of us at Wizznutzz HQ. Jarko just put on a sweaty headband and made an excruciatingly slow first step into the paint like he has concrete shoes instead of wooden shoes! I'm just hoping that Cherokee Parkz is involved in the Sister's ownership group. And that maybe Uncle Wes will decide its time for him to suit back up for the Wizz, too, and clog up the lane like Wes Unseld Jr. clogs up the Verizon center executive bathroom sinks with his depilatory foams and soothing face moisturizers.

Lots of coverage of "power agent" Dan Figgins lately, and this article also mentions the Constable! It sounds like he is ready to put aside his festishes for prosthetic knees and transatlanticism and get to straight ballin. This is great news for AD.com fans, since Antonio will now have more time to work on his blog. He still hasn't responded to my offer to guest blog on Daily Bacon, but this time I am calling him directly and telling him I am Jim Larranaga and that he is no longer invited to my camps and I won't call him late at night and play Purple Ribbon Allstars songs on his voicemail.

Speaking of songs, it is really refreshing that Constable cites Indie.Ari song "Butterfly" as his inspiration for his comeback. This must be why Phil Hubbard has been calling him Madame Butterfly and why players often refer to injured reserve list as "Gerald Levert's Playground." The Constable maybe would have used D'Angelo's classic "Untitled (How Does it Feel)," but he still can't get the visions of a nude Steve Blake out of his mind from Wizz 2003 training camp rookie talent show.

If you're looking for a good gift for that Wizz fan in your life that is excited about the upcoming season, you should consider a Caron's coats for Kidz patch. I've sewn them into the crotches of all of my slacks and everyone loves them. Dana said she is going to put them on all of her drawers as soon as her infection clears up.

posted by Lamont Trellington
Things to Do in Richmond When You're Dead
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Hello once again. I've been laid up with a bad case of the gout for the past few weeks, but luckily my associate Schoenfeld's Donut has taken up the slack and produced this amazing visitor's guide for those of you traveling to VCU next week. I'll be back to my normal posts soon, but until then let the Donut guide you through the magical land of Renardo Dixon (no clear relation to Juan, except for mutual appreciation of antibacterial hand sanitizer).

---------- ---------- ----------

Since Daily Bacon knows many of the flock are preparing for annual pilgrimage to the RIC (think ATL with even more bigotry) for Wizz overnight camp, we present first annual "Sights and Sounds of Camp" as a guide to fun events, happenings, and things to do in the Capital of the Confederacy when not attending 12:00 p.m. to 12:10 p.m. portion of practice open to the public.

The following places are listed in descending order of "most likely location of Party Jon and Andray15801 when they are late to practice." Without further ado, here is DB interns own Not For Tourists guide.

C.A.R.R.S.S. -- Cory Alexander's Rims, Racing, Sound and Security
4300 West Broad St.

Yes this is the former UVa baller's shop and it really is called C.A.R.R.S.S. and make sure to check out the CARRSS Clients link on the site. Lamont Trellington has also pointed out to make sure you're their next Thursday when Constable Hayes will have his ride's custom plates switched from "UGA 23" to "GD SV QUN" and will have the Superman symbol on the grill switched out for a custom chrome Buckingham Palace guardsman's hat. Also, new wiz 5th swingman DeShaun Stevenson will also be getting the big project done as he has not had the chance to visit this whip-mecca.

Richard's Rendezvous
4410 W. Broad St.

No explanation needed save to say you need a website membership to view reviews of this fine establishment. Be sure to avoid direct eye contact with Ernie G. when he's "holed up" for serious backroom negotiations. Legend tells this is the spot where Uncle Wes once tried to trade Chris Gatling and a drumstick for a double lapdance despite Gatling's not being on Wiz roster at time.

Boyhood home of Ben Wallace
Wizz fans should approach this sidetrip by not only remembering the manchild as a teenchild, but also remember we might not have magical cheeseboot recipe without having rid ourselves of his presence.

McLean's Restaurant
Broad St. about 7 blocks west of VCU campus although actual address is vague.

Trust us, online info about Richmond's crappiest, yet strangely popular 24 hour Diner is difficult to come by. Seems they're a little behind the times in certain ways, for example right in the middle of a bunch of old pictures of the staff next to the register is a shot of two cooks hugging, one black cook and one white cook in blackface. Like we said, "more bigotry". But a number of anonymous sources have confirmed this is the actual "pancake house" in Rare Essence's classic Overnight Scenario, apparently written after a memorable Freedom Classic VUU/VSU game.

Chiocca's Downstairs
425 N. Belmont St.

Jahidi "Taintrolls" White's favorite spot when he was smoking Kool's and forcing small sweaty men into steambaths. This is a smokedrenched, basement sandwich and booze shop in area known as The Fan that has named a sammy after Jahidi, "The Beast", and a second sandwich after his prey Stevie B., "The Beast Feast". Both are cooked on the original Star Broil-a-grill, sort of a half broiler, half grill, with a splash of nicotine and menthol perfection cooker. Remember their slogan, which Jahidi used to say to all his victims, Don't Gripe before you Bite!

Texaco -- West End
Trust us, just ask anyone where the gas station is you can drink at? They'll know what you're talking about and point you just out of town to what has to be the only "Gas n' Sip" in the world. Literally, you buy beers inside a Texaco and then sit on this huge porch and get after it. Very LaSooz. During Wizz camp, they also hock faux almost-AllStar cake.

-Schoenfeld's Donut

posted by Lamont Trellington
Giggling, Drinks & Precautionary Ice Bags
Friday, September 01, 2006
Agent Zero may be bitter and alone, but 'Tawn is straight celebration, even though Queen James just led Team USA to defeat at the hands of the swarthy Greeks.

Le Washington Post quotes Queen James as saying "They don't know what to do!" on the bench, precipitating a run from Greece that gave them a lead they would not surrender. Queen James then sat on the bench and thought about new ways to work towards his goal of becoming a billionaire. Like by marketing souvlaki and soul-withering pestilence to desperate Clevelanders. This is the world championship, Queen, and teams go on runs!

'Tawn is happy because he is learning valuable lessons that he can impart to Wizzz teammates!! Such as, Big Oily should stop listening to Belarussian music. But can anyone answer why Shane Battier is voraciously consuming minutes on the new age dream team? Couldn't Coach Kay find Trajan Langdon?

Meanwhile, somewhere, in another part of town, Coach Joe Gibbzz saw Tom Collins throw a touchdown against fourth-stringers. "You've got something inside you," he said. Hmmm....is it a buttplug?

Is it in you? Is it in you. Is it in you?

posted by Lamont Trellington
Lonny Baxtina
Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Lonny Baxter, beefy power forward,
former Wizard, former Terp, was arrested
early this morning. A witness reported shots
fired from a car that Baxter had been driving
near the White House, at 17th and I,
not far from Baxter's hometown, Silver Spring.

When I was growing up in Silver Spring,
I backed down Roger Mason playing forward
(though soon he would be much taller than I)
one time at Y sports camp! Then I rested,
not taking stock in sweaty driving
and dishing, until I saw Lonny taking shots

and making all of them, blocking shots
of puny MoCo 4Aers every spring.
Lonny at Richard Montgomery: That driving!
That dunking! Nobody had a forward
who could take him. He arrested
the attention of scouts and caught the eye

of every RM Rocket fan when I
was a senior, he a junior, looking for his shot
at a big-time program. He ultimately rested,
stayed at home at Maryland. After a spring
of life away trned sour, I moved forward
by going back, and found myself by driving

to the same school where Lonny now was driving.
And when we both were seniors, in '02, I
knew that Lonny, favorite power forward,
and the rest of the Terps had a legit shot
at the title. I screamed "LB! SILVER SPRING
REPRESENT!" I drank. Never got arrested,

unlike many Terps - but still, who would have rested
after that championship? No; the driving
was over; we were back in Silver Spring,
home, triumphant, LB and I.
And in the NBA, when Lonny's shot
was no longer enough to move him forward,

I still clung to the memory. But spring
turns to sere summer, and now driving's arrested.
So Lonny: If you have to take that shot, move forward.


I guess this kills the Italian trip, too.

posted by Rex Immensae Majestatis Chapman
Memoirs of a Gil-sha
Monday, August 14, 2006
Take that, Barbaro!!

The injuries to Clinton Portis and Gilbert Arenas Jr. have dominated Washington sports fans' collective psyche all day. Intern Ken Beatrice is somewhat of an idiot savant when it comes to pulling groins, so he is drafting a special get well card for Agent Zero. We are sad that he has to end his asian adventure prematurely, but at least he did get to gain some real-life perspective that he can bring back with him to P.F. Chang's at Tyson's Corner II.

Just a few days ago, Gil got to take a boat trip in Hong Kong with his Wizz teammate Antawn Jamison. He even got a digital camera (with 1000 picturez!!) to capture some of the action. Basketball may be the sport of life, but Halo is the sport of brio.

Speaking of video games, 'Tawn even got his own video blog! And he shares with us that guys are playing video games against each other!! Some of the younger guys, you can tell they're younger off the court. Like Queen James, who brought his own mango chutney to take to restaurants. I guess the Queen doesn't like French dressing!

Gilbert, we are very sorry that you cannot participate in the world championships. But we will welcome you back to DC with open arms and lots of Bengay. You'll be back to normal in time for NBA season and Olympics!! And you can always treasure what time you had in the far east.

posted by Lamont Trellington
Human Capital in the Capital of Free Humans
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
So much has happened while Dana's been lazing around in Frenchmen's banana hammocks! Fellow intern Lamont has been holding it down scouring the Internets for Wiznewzz, and now Rex Immensae is here to break down all the Wizardz' personnel movezz of the past week. Well, both of them.

Personnel Move #1: Welcome DeShawn Stevenson to Verizonland

Even after his defensive stopper abilities progressed to the point that the U.N. seriously considered outlawing his use, the Orlando Magic didn't think they needed DeShawn Stevenson, since they had J.J. "Bacne" Redick and Keith "Sweat From My" Bogans in tow. So they cut DeShawn loose and he made the 16-hour drive from O-Town to the nation's capital, stopping only briefly at South of the Border to pick up some racist souvenir crap. When he arrived at Verizon, he made his way via the back entrance to the GM suite, wherein Ernie Grunfeld held a two-year contract in one palm and a basketball in the other. A pen lay on the table between them.

"Choose one: the ball, or the contract. You must choose wisely, but choose what is in your heart," said Eddie.

DeShawn stared across the table at one thing he needed and one thing he always lusted for. The ball sat orange and glistening in Ernie's well-manicured hand. He knew that it would end as it always did: Once the ball was in his possession, his desire would diminish, and he would pass the rock to the nearest teammate. But when the ball was in another man's possession - that was the moment he lived for, the moment of anticipation, the moment when he could body the possessor, move his feet, then stand his ground, and force him to give it up. Or simply reach in and take it for himself.

He also liked to eat stuff other than Ramen noodles occasionally.

"I know you do not understand," Grunfeld said. "But you must choose."

The burning desire in him right now lay beyond understanding, beyond rational thought. His muscles tensed. He tore his eyes away from the basketball, looked at the pen, looked at the blank where his name should go if he wanted to be sure of avoiding playing for the new Spokane CBA team. He moved for the pen. And in releasing the tension that had built up within him, he released all his self-control. He dove over the desk, snatched the ball from Grunfeld's outstretched palm, and clutched it to his chest as he tumbled into the wall.

"You have chosen wisely," Grunfeld said. "Now you may have both."

Stevenson threw the ball at the wall and signed the contract.

Fun Fax 'Bout DeShawn

  • In this chat, he says the best dunker of all time is "a mixture of Jordan and Vince Carter." Apparently DeShawn knows how to grow humans from gene-spliced chromosomes to create the perfect Man of Air. So this could be helpful if the Wizards decide again to explore unconventional drafting avenues.

  • After Stevenson, a Utah Jazziz straight outta high school, blessed a 14-year-old girl with his essence, he was convicted of statutory rape and forced to do community service. Here's a description of that troubling time. Let's hope DeShawn never has to undertake such arduous labors again. (I already sent him Dana's number.)

  • When DeShawn was being drafted out of high school, NBADraft.net compared him to Salieri himself, which is a comparison to which DeShawn has not lived up as yet. But there's plenty of time for him to break down the confidence of one of his impressionable teammates in Washington!

Proposed nicknames: Stevenson of the Shawns, DeR. Kellyson

Propose your own below!

Personnel Move #2: Hey Isiah! Come and Get These Jefferies

We'll always love our former defensive stopper, but at least we won't have to watch him play for a winning team, as the Knicks signed Jeffries to a five-year, $30-million offer sheet that the Wizzarddz declined to match. Let me relive for you some of my favorite Jared Jeffries memories:

  • December 13, 2002: Jared misses a dunk.

  • December 15, 2002: Jared misses a layup.

  • December 23, 2002: Jared misses a 3-pointer.

  • January 2002-April 2006: Long undifferentiated blur.

  • April 2006: Jared plays against Moosehead and does okay.

Cue Martha Reeves! Jared will help with the ball distribution in New York, though, as the following chart shows:

KnickOptimal percentage of team's shots taken, as determined by player
Steve Francis40
Stephon Marbury40
Jamal Crawford40
Eddy Curry10
Jalen Rose40
Old total170 percent
Jared Jeffries-70
New total100 percent

Good job, Isiah! You'll win 40 yet!

posted by Rex Immensae Majestatis Chapman
A Busy Week in the Basketball Associations!!
Monday, August 07, 2006
Wow! There has been a lot going on since we last checked in. In the interest of conserving precious bandwidth, I'm going to give a quick run-down of some of the highlights of the Wizz world in the past week. And these incites are overflowing with video goodness, in the interest of wasting precious bandwidth. Yilla-tee!!

First of all, Agent Zero has been blogging for the NBA! While we are confused he has not yet agreed to blog for the Daily Bacon, we will go ahead and send him a couple more packages of Gwaltney smoked & cured and also link to his awesome blog. If any of you Halo fans want more of Nilbert, you can even peep his video blog!! Check out the sweet NBATV video wipes that segue between interview clips.

Here is one more bonus clip of Gil, who may actually have to change his nickname to 1%.

Team USA got their first savory win by defeating Team Puerto Rico. Party John logged some valuable minutes, although he is stuck behind Daniel Santiago on the depth chart. Santiago has been described as a more Puerto Rican, more effective Baby Huey.

In other news, since the Milwaukee Bucks are no longer interested in the Poet's engorged contract, they traded Jaamaal Maagloire for Steve Blake!! It is not yet clear whether Steve will continue to produce the steamy videos he helped put together during his time in Portland. We can only cross our fingers and send a couple of cartons of Players Lights to Bucks HQ.

posted by Lamont Trellington