Wednesday, October 31, 2007
HAPPY 10th ANNIVERSAYR!!!!! HAPPY 10th ANNIVERSAYR!!!!! HAPPY 10th ANNIVERSAYR!!!!! That's right!! It was 10years ago today that Sgt. Lynham taught the band to play!!! On Oct. 31 1997 the WizzNutzz traveled to Big Buck country and watched the very first game of Washington Wizards (nee Bulletz) vs. Detroit Pistons!!! WizzNutzz of course dressed as wizards but were slandered by the bigots at the Palace of Aubern Hills:
"Look at the Three Wisemen!" was a common quote.
"Let's get the Gnomes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" was an even scarier one by the racists, especially in public bathrooms.
It was another 5 years before we found out about electricity, and during that time something caleld THE INTERNETS was born -- and thus so were we, like a pod baby in the first Aliens. Look at our first creation!!! http://www.geocities.com/wizznutzz/wizardshome.html
We didn't know much about biology, but we attacked this frog called the INTERNETS like a middle schooler with a scalpel and a jug full of pickle juice. "Hey, froggie, let me cut you here and see what comes out ... GHEORGE MURSEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
If we betyter pallned, we would have made huge anniverasary date of anniversary, with celebrations at Wheaton Cirutict City -- TVs for everyone, just don't get caught!!! -- and nude street running eexcept for bacon wraps around our Jimmy Deans.
Instead, all you get is this short post with a promsie for more 10th anniversary celebrations at a latter date.
Now, we can't wait for the Washington Wizards 2007-2008 season to start next weeks!!!!!!!!!!! (WHO ART ETHEY PLAYING???? We didn't a sheduele!!! )
Monday, October 29, 2007
NBA SEASON PREVIEW -- PART ONE!!!!
Wizznutzz intern August Strindberg (now on Wikipedia!!!) spent the offseason leading the Jämtland Vermod in the Swedish celebrity "And Nil" summerball league.
He has returned, having looked deep inside himself and, I think you will agree, unearthed a new personal low!
Straight Outta Norra Begravningsplatsen!!!
As each new NBA season approaches, I spend one long night and day riding my decrepit nag around the outskirts of Norra Begravningsplatsen -- around and around, again and again, until the nag is lathered and I am moreso.
Simpleminded Swedes -- which describes the entirety of my countrymen -- laugh and scoff, hurling accusations of futility. Futility? Futility is their life of milking and plucking. Futility is Ronnell Taylor and Jonas Hayes in an off-Broadway revival of "Mame" (though actually their performances turned out to be something of a revelation to this old critic).
Nay, there is nothing futile about this midnight ride. For when my nag collapses with exhaustion and gout, and I stumble home in the dawn gloaming, I know clarity awaits. The ride was only a prelude. The important thing is what the ride has left behind -- that is, what the ride has left upon my behind. For I undertake this ride clad in my soiled overcoat and nothing more, my buttocks bare against the bristling back of my sandpapery nag.
The friction is quite invigorating and abrasive. And once I have stumbled home and am huddled by the firelight, I peer upon my constellation of sores, a Rorschach in rashes, and in these runes I read THE FATE OF THE NBA SEASON TO COME.
WHAT TO LOOK FOR
Ira Newble. The Wondering Jew continues to wonder: "Why don't I ever play?" ANTI-SEMITISM. The Papists got Sam Jacobsen, and they'll get you too. Beware the prickly-thighed albino! A.K.A. Drew Gooden!
WHAT TO LOOK FOR
David Wesley. Where is he? Seriously, I'm not sure. Perhaps he is in a dank seaside town somewhere, weeping into a bowl of steel-cut oats, still wearing last night's goulash. Or perhaps I am thinking of myself. Be warned, D-Wes -- there but for the grace of God go ye and not I.
WHAT TO LOOK FOR
After an away game in New Jersey, as a prank, on a dare from Nick Young, Dominic McGuire decapitates Gilbert Arenas and mails his head back to Laura Govan in Northern Virginia.
At least I hope we got into bed with ESPN otherwise how else do I explain the insistent red hairs clinging to my PJs if they r not the colorman castaways of Rick Buchers mons pubis??!!!
Monday, October 22, 2007
We didnt think this weekend could get any better after we read about Gilbert rounding up the repairman like he wuz Elliot Ness and violently and thoroughly suppressing the rookie insurrection of Nic n' Nick n' Night in the great 07 NoVA paintball massacre!!!
It was like leading lambs to slaughter, pumping rounds Jackson Pollock style onto Fat Jamar's back canvas!
By some miracel of Peter non Colpevole Can we pleez jesus get the security tapes on this?!!!!???
It is timez like this we are extra sad we dont have La Bomba in camp. the battle might have come out different. Word is La Bomba shoots paint like he was the second coming of Diego Rivera!!!!
But we are even more cheered up today when superfan and superstringer MJ RUTHERFORD slips under our door this morning the FOLLOWING STUNNING PHOTOGRAPH:
It is from last spring taken on the corner of 7th and F Streets and its a true foto and it shows none other than NBC News Chief White House Correspondent David "Stretch" Gregory buying illegal wizards tickets from a "Beltway insider"!!!
Lets hope it was just wiz tickets DGregz was after and not tickets for "Section 420" for him and "my friend Tony SNow" if you know what Im saying!!!!
This must be very embarrassing for NBC News!!!! Especially after that photo last month surfaced of Doreen Gentzler buying Oxycontin in the Greene Turtle parking lot!!
Thursday, October 18, 2007
in 1979 Abe Pollin took the World Champion Bullets on a goodwill tour downtown to Chinatown!!!!!
Wes, Elvin, Mitch and the boys had a great time and opened their arms to a new culture and came back with all their organs! A successful trip!! The trip was important for basketball and the world because back then was a time when we didnt understand China and their were lots of stereotypes, and im not talking stereotypes like Sony and Hitachi though those are fine chinese stereos. Now we have come so far in 30 years and in 2007 is a time when you would NEVER, EVER see someone make a crude, ignorant, offensive video like THIS:
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Bullets Forever is a DC BeeBall Blog like ours except they have tite spelling, selfrespect, and watch basketball games!
Jake "The" Snake sat down with us the other day and asked some tough questions. It was most eggregious example of "Ambush Journalism" since time Barbara Walters confronted Randell Jackson about his treatment of Algerian refugees!
Message to Agent Arenas: It has recently come to our attention that your recent games have been flagged for boosting. A form of cheating on Xbox Live. I would like to just keep you in the know that Bungie.net Support Staff and Xbox Live have been sent reports on your cheating... I would also like to point out that we are currently drafting up an email to G4tv and ESPN about the shame you have brought to the gaming community.
No doubt, your sponsored team will also come under fire for this...
Thank you for hearing us out...
-Asshat
Hey "Asshat", William Bennett called. He wants his penis back!!!
Can these Accusations be TRUE???!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Representative for Major League Gaming (MLG) released this statement to the press:
We take these allegations against Agent Arenas very seriously. For an MLG player/owner to be found guilty of these charges would be a very serious breach of conduct. If our investigation finds merit to these allegations, our offices will act swiftly to protect the honor of our industry. Agent Arenas would be demoted from his rank of Colonel Grade 1. He would be stripped of his body armor. In addition, we would place Mister Arenas on a 2 year term of probation, under which he would be required to play all online HALO campaigns during this period as the character "Q*bert". We feel this to be fitting, given that Q*bert is the only player character in professional gaming history to have an asterisk officially added to his name.
MLG isnt the only one taking action:
Mark Ecko has cancelled his shoe collaboration with Gilbert!
And Club Centipede has withdrawn Gilberts VIP Membership!
Also, this isnt the First Time Gilbert's gaming ethics have been called into question:
-In July this year,Gilbert openly acknowledged playing NBA Live as himself, a widely frowned upon practice in the gaming community.
-In January 2007Gilbert was accused of giving illegal kickbacks to amateur gamers. He denies the charges.
-In 2006, the captain of Gilbert's Pro HALO team, David "Walshy" Walsh tested positive for Lik-M-Aid. It was his first positive test and he was not suspended.
-In 2005 at the World Cyber Games (WCG) Grand Final in Singapore, someone placed a $1 Million dollar bet on the Ogre Twins from an offshore account. Who are the Ogre Twins? Key members of Gilbert's Final Boss HALO team. The Ogres brought home the gold, and the man who placed the bet, one Mr. "Angel Rarebits", took home a clean million dollars. What do you get if you re-arrange the letters in "Angel Rarebits"??
Thats right: "Gilbert Arenas"!!
-In 2003, Federal Agents conducted a raid on the Bay Area laboratories of thumb specialist Bart Kelly. The raid turned up vials of possum testosterone and a client list that included the name of Gilbert Arenas. Gilbert denied any knowledge of Mr Kelly or possums.
-In 2001, an unnamed source testified to gaming authorites that a Pitfall Explorers patch that Gilbert proudly wears on his vintage Intellivision High Scorers Club jacket, was in fact purchased from him by Mister Arenas at a recent gaming convention, and was not awarded by Intellivision for gaming merit.
-In 1998, Gilbert participated in a promotional Mario Kart tournie in Little Italy. Early into the competition, an N64 Game Shark was found in the public restroom, taped to the back of the toilet. Gilbert denied any knowledge of the Game Shark.
-In 1989,Gilbert, playing as the heavily favored "Mike Tyson", was knocked out in a shocking first round upset by his cousin Blue, playing as "Little Mac", in a game of "Mike Tsyons Punch Out!" for the Nintendo NES. The next day at school Gilbert was witnessed showing off some new comic books. Gilbert denies he threw the match.
-In 1984,Gilbert took advantage of an obscure glitch to score one million points on Activision KABOOM!
-In 1983, at an unsanctioned match in a Miami KAYBEE toy store, Gilbert upset local champion Michael Quint at Atari 2600 Defender(tm) when Mr Quint was forced to forfeit because of suspicious lint in his cartridge. When confronted by Jim Gray, Gilbert responded tersely:"I'm not here to talk about the past."
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Ivan Carter and Michael Lee are tha best beat men in the association. Their Wizrads Insider gets so much insider details for the hardcore fans and they work so hard and dont get the respect they desevre at the Washington Post at all. Sure Woodward and Bernstine had skillz, they brought down Tricky Nixon and Watergate blew up and all but did Woodward and Bernstine score an explusive interview with Ernie Grunfelds 6th grade dance teacher?
Did they live on nothing but out-of-town arena nachos for 7 months?
Or have a 5 part metro featurette on what REALLY gets cleaned at the Charles Oakley Carwash (hint it rimes with Werbian Shores)?
Did they embed themselves on Christian Laettners North American Wiggles tour?
Did Woodward and Bernie get the KGB to declassify Olesky Pecherovs colonoscopy reuslts???
"The best nicknames in the game today belong to Agent Zero (Gilbert Arenas), The Matrix (Shawn Marion). Boom Dizzle (Baron Davis) is picking up steam, but there isn't much else out there.."
Thanks for the sweet props Mike!!!
We are very proud to have made Agent Zero a household name!!!
And we have over the years invented many nicknames for DC Ballerz, and with the help of the powerful Agent Steinz some have stuck hard but others have slipped slowly from sight like bacon on a late august window pane!!
To show our thanks for Ivan Carter and Michael Lee for all their hard work and in the spirit of thier incites, we invite all wizznutzz readers to vote for their favorite Ivan Carter and Michael Lee nicknames in the polls below, or tell us one of your own!!!
We will pay Party John Ramos to airbrush the winning name on Ivan and Mikes '98 KIA RIOs!!!!
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
SALTY GEORGIA BROWN!!!!
This photo released by the Valdosta, Ga., Police Department of Los Angeles Lakers center Kwame Brown after he was arrested Sept. 29, 2007, in Valdosta and charged with disorderly conduct and interfering with an officer after his cousin was charged with DUI according to police officials.
I'LL TELL YOU JUST WHY, YOU KNOW I DON'T LIE, NOT MUCH: IT'S BEEN SAID HE KNOCKS 'EM DEAD, WHEN HE LANDS IN TOWN! SINCE HE CAME, WHY IT'S A SHAME, HOW HE COOLS THEM DOWN!
ON SALTY GEORGIA BROWN, TWO LEFT FEET, OH, SO NEAT, HAS SALTY GEORGIA BROWN! THEY ALL SIGH, AND WANT TO DIE, FOR SALTY GEORGIA BROWN!
Monday, October 01, 2007
WIZZNUTZZ TRYING HARD TO DIGEST TWO UNBELIEVEABLEY GAMEY SLABS OF NEWS MEAT!!!!
ONE:
Last Friday sports blogging god Will "dont hate me because my hair is beautiful" Leitch on Deadspin was ushered into the high altitude media tent to interview Agent Zero .
We all know Will Leitch is a pro, spreading the thickest "Royal We" butter since Bishop STubbs wrote the best-selling Joe Namath mass-market paperback bio "Broadway and We" in 1902, so it wuz no suprize to us that Will didnt lob no Bobo Newsom softballs at Gil, and that before he feinted Will asked him the question thats been on everyones lips:
"Have you been to Wizznutzz? "
well let me say that IN the wizznutzz offices at that minute all our attention on other things including breathing was suddenly like the bacon in the SIzzlean commercials, and with our focussed brains we levetated that old bacon away from our plates and said "move over bacon, make room for something meatier!(tm)" as we waited for our Hero Zero to answer:
My dad is more into the stuff like that, the RealGM, the Wizznutzz, those types of things. He tells me what's going on. He was sitting there for five, six hours, posting under fake names, "how do you like that Gilbert Arenas? He's a jackass, huh?" Just to see what the response is.
It is true, we are CRUSHED to find out the Gilbert doesnt spend 3 hours a day on our site or even just now an then pop by to ask GarBot2000 for legal advice
plus we are THRILLED to find out that Gilbert ARenas SENIOR IS checking our incites, loitering around like Llorenzo Williams, lurking about the site going deepcova brotha like Tubbs on the comments board. We have no idea who he is posting as, he could even be the secret alter ego of one our famous regulars:
Cheniers Ghost? David Vanterpool? Lynams Disease? Good God - Unsilent Majority?!?!?!?!?!
We love Gilbert Senior!!! In fact, maybe even Agent Zero is a little overexposed and SO we are now backing Pops, aka "Gil The Thrill" from here on out.
Its like Tortoise and The Hare story, Junior has burned bright like a meteor through the blogosphere but Senior is steady and focussed and maybe he is the real future?? Maybe its like DOnald and Keifer SUtherland. SUre Keifers got a hit show now but lets see in 10 years if anyone even remembers keifer or if they are like "You mean that albino dude in Powder?" while Donald is talk of the town and has Tinsley Mortimer's racy smells in his beard and has a hit show while the only hits Keifer's got are hits on youtube for the humiliating Dancing With The Stars audtion tape that shows him doing The SMurf in the parking lot behind The Apple Pan with SOuthern COmfort in his hand and his career down with his overalls around his ankles.
NOT really of course we will always love Gil Junior,
But for GILBERT SENIOR:
WE GIVE YOU AN OPEN INVITATION:
COme And Be an Intern At Wizznutzz!!! Write for Us!!!
We have already ordered a new Colecovision keyboard for you, and well as xtra large flame-retardant intern robes, and a monthly RideOn pass! You can even play your ATlantic Starr records in the Mothering Hut!! You will get more hits than your kid's upstart blog we promise. You can razz him hard about your Click Through Rates and internet celebrity friends!!!
Or if you cant blog for us then
WE WANT TO INTERVIEW YOU GILBERT ARENAS SENIOR!!!!
It will be most gripping talked -about celebrity interview since Morely Saffer asked MJ "what did you do with Ty Lues body"!!!
Lets do it by webcam the interview! You wont belive the questions we will ask and we wont believe your aNSWERS!
eMAIL US gilbert arenas senior AT wizznutzz (at) yahoo.com please we woulkd love to set it up and take you right to the top!!
TWO:
This would normally be enough AGent Zero news for one day, but then Agent Steniz reports yesterday about Gilberts NBew Cartoon SHow "GAZO THE PRANKSTA".
SPorts Bog covering the wizards is like a real life Fantasy Island. Dan is Mr Rourke and he has Littles and if you can even dream it, they will deliver it to you. Gil has hired young writers from UCLA and USC and a Jr. Animnator from "Lilo and Stitch 2" and has made a cartoon about some school kids who get snubbed by the popular kidz and their leader is GAZO who carries out pranks and japes and has an imaginary freind sidekick called Agent ZIP.
SO with the outcasts and practical jokes it is no doubt this show is based on Gilberts own life and so it is curious to see there is an Imaginary friend sidekick.
Imaginary sidekicks are common tradition in cartoons. Like when Fred Flintsone had Kazoo the martian who no one else could see. And Big Bird had Snuffleupagus and Calvin had Hobbes.
But also imagi-amigos they are also very common for real boys growing up.
There are many reasonz people have imaginary friends.
Fred Flintstone's reason was likely from hallucinations caused by an advanced glioblastoma in his brain from phosphorous toxicity he got from eating nothing but Brontosaurus meat for 30 years. But for rest of us imaginary friends help us to overconme our "egocentric inadequacies". Thats what Jean Piaget says anyway. Jean Piaget was a child development specialist and founder of The Wiggles.
They're trying out alternate viewpoints, probing causal sequences, revising interpretations of changing situations—honing the capacity to take others' perspectives, he speculates, a skill that gave our language-speaking species powers of narrative dialogue that proved highly adaptive.
Thats what a lady wrote about it in Slate website about how imaginary friends are good for you.
Now if you know Gilbert you know it is no surprise that he has had imaginary friends.
The only question is WHICH ONE of all his imaginary friends he would cast for GAZO???
Here are some of Gils Phantom friends he had to choose from:
There is "BUMPER"
who is a small yellow rabbit that looks just like Thumper from bambi but has the voice of Mabel King, Roger Thomas' Mama from the show "Whats Happening". "Bumper" helped gilbert as a child dealing with growing up without his mother. Thumper had experience in adolescent counseling from the Bambi thing and Mabel Kings voice is warm and comforting like a big bosom.
Hippolito would help Gilbert make decisions about right and wrong. The two heads would argue with eachother for control of Gilberts young conscience. Hippolitos right head usual won. This is because the left head was always singing that damn Rick Springfeild song "Dont Talk To STrangers" over and over driving Gil nuts while the Right head of the tortoise was way more fun and mischevous and got into trouble and also taught Gilbert how to smoke.
There is "MR SIMs"
The imaginary litle man who lives in Gilberts cellphone. Mr SIMs helps Gilbert feel comfortable in social situations. To talk to him Gilbert just has to call his own phone and leave himself messages : "Hi its me, Gilbert!"
and
There is "AWVEE STOREY"
AWVEE was the rascally imaginary lockeroom playmate Gilbert created to help him get through the anxieties of a new team and a new town!!
But GAZO'S sidekick AGENT ZIP is the best ever because of the revolutionary POUCH. Its shows Agent Zeros amazing private imagination.
GAZO'S POUCH is truly original. Well sure "Gazos Pouch" it is one of the fundamental principles of Non-Euclidean Geometry, but in the make believe world GAZO'S POUCH adds a whole new dimension because within your hidden friend is another hidden space, a moist hidden private space that has bottomless storage to hide your trickster plans, and hijinks, and secrets and to hide your FEARS until you are ready to face them.
This isn't the first time we have talked about POUCHES and FEAR and MARSUPIALS here at wizznutzz.
In fact many of you know we made a famous mixed media art piece that we sold to the Andrew Gaze Gallery Of Marsupial Art and we called it
"FEAR POUCH"
So "GAZO'S POUCH" will be the theme of Wizznutzz 2008!
A place to hide our incites, a magic sleeve of tricks, a 'fun size' mothering hut, an antiseptic bacon incubator!!
