-Eat Dublin Bay prawns. Cal suffers from shellfish poisoning and his eyes begin to swell, though nobody can notice puffiness through bags. Starts to hallucinate and screams, "I'M THE LORD OF THE DANCE!" Then begins to cry hysterically and whimpers, "Here they call bacon rashers. " Then laughs manically and demands to hear a Uilleann pipes recital "this bloody minute" and proceeds to break off a combination grind of stepdancing and the Cabbage Patch on U.S. Ambassador Thomas Foley
-Cal greets Dublin kids at Youth at Risk by saying, "Top o' the morning to you, li'l leprechauns." A tender hooligan screams back, "Gobshite! You tryin' to twist hay? Don't be acting the maggot!" and attacks Cal with the plastic pot of Wizards-logo-branded gold that Rog had handed out to all the lads. Soon, a shower of savages has joined in, but the duo is saved by Wiz assistant director of player personnel Tim Connelly, who dumps a box of outlet-store-rejected Gil Zero flaws, and the kids scramble to find their size and a matching left shoe, of which there are none.
-All boys at the Youth at Risk school are hospitalized because of injuries sustained while trying to wear two right shoes. Cal and Rog go to visit the boys and Rog remarks of the crumbling grey hospital, "This is like Boys Town. Where's Spencer Tracy?" A boy with bloody bandages covering his left foot shoots back, "Dead, you dry shite! Just like you!" Rog and Cal sprint for the door in fear, and after Rog reaches door he waits for Cal, who is much slower, but he has to keep waiting because the little chisellers, even with their severe limps, catch up with Cal and treat him like a rookie in "the Jahidi years."
-On a trip to Belfast, Cal wants to dress up a bit for a night on the town, so he throws on his orange pantsuit. He's jumped in front of Ulster Hall and is called "Protestant scum!" Cal answers back, "I celebrate Kwanza!" Rog sneaks past melee in a bright green dashiki and into a hotel boozer to get "right locked" on Bushmills shooters and growlers of Guinness. Tells bartender to put it on his tab, "Awvee Storey, room 323."
-Back in Dublin, Rog tells kids on the playground how much he loves U2. Cal shakes his head dismissively and laughs. He puts his hand on Rog's shoulder in a patronizing manner and says, "U2 are a bunch of pompous fellows, and nobody likes them nowadays. The best band is, by far, HOTHOUSE FLOWERS. Aren't I right, kids?" The band of gurriers scowl at the Wizards players without contracts and synchronously whip out on their bodhrans and pound them in sync to a slow ominous rhythm while chanting, "Kill the wankers, kill the wankers...." Rog and Cal start to sing along, too, with Cal adding some polyrhythmic beat boxing and Rog freestyling lines such as, "Kill the wankers / The penile spankers / I read Ann Landers / With my friend Ned Flanders." Sensing the beatdown loss of two players doing free charity work on behalf of his franchise even though they're not signed for next season, Mr. Pollin decides to save Cal & Rog and swoops in with his helicopter, Black Man Down.
-In a post-trip press release, Cal is quoted as saying, "I loved my time in Ireland, especially the rash." A follow-up press release was quickly issued with this revisionism: "I loved my time in Ireland, especially the rash[ers]."
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Wizznutzz going on a road trip for a few days. We've got a sitter for ken (we cant board him because of his kennel cough! ) and we have cured the travel meats and made a JAHIDI WHITE MIXTAPE for the road!!!
On our way out the door we see an email from Mike Seely about his awesome article in the Seattle Weekly about former Washington Bullet legend Joe Pace!!!
Thats Joe below. He has Marion Barry's tailor!!!
It is true tale with the poignancy of a midsummer moomintroll about how Joe Pace fell on hard timez after leaving the bullets, falling into drugs and homlessness and pawning his '78 championship ring and losing teeth in the mexican paint.
But it is also an inspiring story of courage and comeback.
Not even in Hollyowwd could you write a story like this! (But if Hollywood did, I know an actor whos between projects!!)
Its a story of edutainment, passing gas, Mitch Kupchak's hand-me-down clothes, and building robots!
Just like the wizznutzz story if you think about it!!!!!
We have edutainment and gas! We have a robot except our robot isnt allowed to talk with children, and we have second hand clothes of a Bullets player. 3 years ago we heard Phil Wood on the radio saying "gameworns are a solid investment" so we scooped up all the Greg Ballard gameworns on the market but we found out $300 and an angry UPS man later: Phil was talking about gameworn Jerseys and SHorts, not underpants!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ANyway in a time when cashed up athletes causing nothing but grief it is awesome to find one with no cash not even a home who is helping take grief out of the world. If having good soul is old skool, then hand me the Chuck Taylors!!!
So JOE PACE is our hero and we are happy to see him doing well. And he is a tru warior and tru genius building his kinetic edutainment robotrons, his street art motiviational animatronics, it is like if Jean Michel Basquiat ran a chucky cheese franchise!!!!
(What is "ANIMATRONICS" you ask?? It is something not alive that moves and acts like its alive. Like Phil Chenier !!! we love u phil!!!)
Pleaze pleaze pleaze donate to Joe Paces foundation:
We are going to commission Joe to make a robot to keep the Gar Heard robot company.! The GarBot is soooo lonely. Talk to him! He has new angry words!!!
posted by wizznutzz OUR FAMOUS MOTHERING HUT T-SHIRTS PERMALINK |
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Dog Fighting Is For Bitches, and So Is Prison!!!
THE ONLY MICHAEL VICK DOG FIGHTING T-SHIRT YOU WILL EVER NEED!
SO today when we were updating the Bullets Fever page over at The Mothering Hut we were very excited to uncover some: Awesome Nils Lofgren Fun Facts!!!!
1. DO you remember those commercials in the early 80s for Jhoon Rhee Karate??? Jhoon Rhee was the chop shop run by the Moonies! I took classes at their Rockville Pike location but just as i was about to get my yellow belt my mom pulled me right out of the graduation ceremony cause it turned out to also be a mass wedding!
Anywayz, remember that awesome jingle "NOBODY BOTHERS ME!"?????
Well guess who wrote and sang that??
Thats right, NILS LOFGREN!!!!!
2. NILS LOFGREN IS HALF-ITALIAN and HALF-SWEDISH!
Like Jaarko uased to say when he worked as a greeter at the Stocklholm Olive Garden:
"When you're here, you're slakt!" (TM)
Bullets Fever is def. from his Italian side! while his Swedish side maybe wrote the Jhoon Rhee jingle!
3. Bullets Fever was Phil Chenier's Wedding song! (Weddings 2 and 4)
4. NILS LOFGREN is a different NILS LOFGREN than the NILS LOFGREN who was a scientist who invented the drug Xylocaine in the 1940!
Its a common mistake, especially since Xylocaine had the street name "Uncle Wes"
5. NILS LOFGREN'S AWESOME VIDEO "SECRETS IN THE STREET" was just bought by MoMA for $12 Million!!!
Smart move MoMA! One day when people ask in arthistory books "so what about the 80s??" and this will be the only entry that is needed to tell the tale!!
In the video Nils stars as a typical 80s guy: an urban rebel/romantic street troubadour, and the parents think he is trouble but his only trouble is his heart and his dreamz for they are electric and he will reach those dreamz because he has his "secret in the street" which r his magic shoes: glo in tha dark Etonics that make him do amazing gymnastics, and get on the Footloose foot and cure blind men!!!! He is a tousled fashion forward buccaneer, like a SUnset Drive New-Jack Jack Sparrow whos headin down for a drink at St Elmos Fire after killing at an audition for Billy Hicks's band The New Breed!
Interesting coincidnece: "The SEcrets In The STreet" was also the title of a memo that Wes Unsled sent to Abe Pollin a few years ago when Ledell Eackles escaped from Abe's clandestine In Vitro Eugenics Farm!
"SECRETS IN THE STREET" would surely be the greatest video ever made if not for THIS VIDEO:
6. NILS LOFGREN PLAYS BULLETS FEVER UNPLUGGED AT A SWEDISH SUICIDE PREVENTION CHARITY PICNIC!!!! Yes, thats really him
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
We get a lot of e-mails that ask, "Can bacon be a chocolate bar?" And we always say back, "What bacon can or cannot be is only limited by your imagination and the amount of untainted pig meat in your region of the world. But yes, of course bacon can be a chocolate bar!!!"
And we also get a lot of e-mails that ask, "Why hasn't there been any definitive summer jam yet in 2007? " and also "WHERE IS JAHIDI???"
Thankfully, we can answer these last two questions with one simpel sentence:
"Jahidi is directing music videos in Holland, which is also called Denmark, which once had a depressed prince who spoke to a skull, just like Salieri did in the Wizards' lockerrroom, though Salieri Skull was attached to T-Nes' neckbone."
And several simple embeds give us Jahidi & Bearforce1's awesome summer jamz. Feel the heat on your bacon chocolate covered meat!!!!
GOd Shammgods Mixtape is about to... REWRITE THE HISTORY OF HIP HOP!!!!
Last Season JE Skeets broke the story about how former Wizard and Wizznutzz hero Tyrone Nesby had moved to Lithuania to play ball and blew up as a local rap star, and then Wizznutzz delivered some stunning details bout how 'T-NEZ' had blown up bigger than Jievaras, the God of Grains , like some kinda a Baltic Montell Jordan:
Now if you check from T-Nez's website, you see him relaxing in the Dnepr-Bug drainage basin aka Darius Songalia Memorial BLVD like he owns the damn place! and thats cuz he just about does because since T-Nez has backing of powerful Lithuanian Mafia Seimos Lygino Asilas aka The Family of The Iron DOnkey and he is now like Vilinius' Most Notorious, and he rolls through town with 24" spinners on his Yugo, kicks it in his delux 300 sqft, 7 bedroom loft with its vaulted 6' ceilings and tru cement floors, hes wearing top luxury goat skin trenchcoats with London Fog labels sewn inside, and he wont think not 2 seconds about dropping 4, even 5 euros, on VIP tab for fermented milk bottle service.
Like all those Jazz musicians back in tha day who moveD to europe to find respect and find their groove , T-Nez took his enormously ginger JAZZ HANDSoverseas and found a place where he could finally be comfortable in his own skin, a place where "Tnez could just be Tnez", whether he was just freestylin for his boys at a saturday bloc party or headlinin in front of thousands of screaming fans at the Skamba Skamba Kankliai Folk Festival,.
Sure at first the reaction was a bit aggressive and they were suspicious of this stranger and ugly racism reared its head when the countrys Minister for Radios labelled his music "Jungle Polka" . But TNez is nothing if not a fighter, and he showed the tenacity that once got him elected as a 3rd Team ALternate to the 2001 Vegas Summerball all-star game . He did not fit in he knew that but saw a special opporunity in being a fish out of water. So He became a cultural hip-hop missionary, like a Johnny Applebeats, roaming the fields and rebar skyways and soon Lithuanian locals came to embrace TNes and found the truth that they needed him as much as he needed them, it was like the PERFECT STRANGERS story but without having those unwanted images of COusin Larry having sex on the couch , just suddenly popping into your brain. up and down! up and down! like an anxious jackhammer. Next thing u know, Tnez has endorsement deals with 'ROKASWear' and '40/40 Pork Water' AND is charity spokesman for The Black River Spastic Society!!!!!
So we where very excited when our copy of SERIOUS BUSINESS arrived in the post last week!!!
The site we ordered it off of was all in Lithuanian so we didnt know what we were clicking mostly and so we were extra happy to get our CD and also a hot-headed new bride for Jaarko!!! She thinks Jaarko is very handsome! She also thinks Jaarko is mayor of a shiny AMerican town called 'Circuit City' so dont say anything until we have sold the dowry on eBay!! WE HAVE LISTENED TO TNES SERIOUS BUSINESS and have first ever U.S. REVIEW!!!!
SERIOUS BUSINESS T-NES Prior Records : 2005 BUY IT!
The record has lots of good songs and is about lots of big themes, themes like overcomin haters, finding a place in the world, staying strong, jewels, women, loyalty, respect, fate, GATs. Not GAT the gun, GAT the firm salty rabbits-milk yogurt thats popular in the Lith housing commissions.
On "SB" TNez sharez the mic with lots of other emigre idols:
like tradin 8s with round the way girl Erica Jennings , the Irish hottie whos rippin up tha local charts with the Lith pop jugganaut SKAMP
and also with TANOKA BEARD, the Captain Kurtz of foreign balling. The '93 Boise State grad has been playing Overseas for almost 15 years!!!! Hes also got his own record. Listen on his website! Hes got that veteran sound, like an Expat Big Daddy Kane!!
'MY LIFE' is TNez's SIgnature TUNE.
WE BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU:
DEEP THOUGHTS:
The beginning of the song is soooooo cool. Its not even rapping or the music yet, its just TNes voice, and hes talking to himself, almost in a whisper, and hes all real serious, walkin through fire, contemplating some heavy thoughts:
" Ugh, the things we go through... Life... Just Life... Im always wondering... how my life's gonna be.... You wanna hear about it? CMon..."
and then... BOOM!!!
All of a sudden hes rapping! just like that! we rollin! I think Tnez maybe even invented this technique.!!! I ask u name one other rapper who starts songs all one-on-one personal like this???? OK so maybe you answer me "ALL RAPPERS IN HISTORY" but then I ask you right back:
What heavy thingz Justin Timberlake gotta think about???
"I wonder if I can get direct deposit on my Mouseketeers pension?" "WHich hat will I wear today?" "Who will wipe up the cold fried chicken skins that Britney left on my leather settee?""
SAULETEKIS VALLEY OF THE JEEP BEATS
The next thing you notice on this song are the beats and you notice that are SLAMMIN.
SOunds just like some Neptunes shits but Neptunes managers said Neptumes too busy "Not Ruining Their Careers" so TNEz gave back and went local, and held open auditions for the area "LITTERS" - (thats what they call the scrappy white lithuanian timbaland wannabees over there). There were many good candidates including a guy with a double PHD in CuBase and DRainage from the Vilnius Pedagogical Institute, but TNes gave the job to Stanislavas Stavickis (aka STANO aka S-DUBS) and Martynas Puchovicius (aka Mr P) because he was so entertained by their interview:
T-NES "So why should I hire you dudes to make my album?"
MR P. "My man TNez, we are black like you my man, we hard my man, harder than the Moor Candyman"
T-NES "What about you kid?"
STANO "U dont even know me!" "Im a customer, Im housin, How you like me now?!" "Like Tyson Im Frozen." "I drink the gin of Jews!" "Calvin Klein is not my friend, I dont have name for my rectum!" "I like to juggle sometimes it make me wonder why I keep from going under!" U want see my UTFO membership card? No I'm real, is here, I have laminated.
Tnes' faith paid off. He discovered the second coming of PM DAWN!!!!
GREATEST CHORUS EVER
When I heard the chorus for the first time i was floating outside my Toughskins(tm) jumpsuit in a state of outofbody bliss not even a lifetime in the mothering hut could bring, that is how powerful and breathtakingly exquisite is the sounds of this ambrosious rapture.!!!!!
Yet as otherworldy as it was, there was something familiar about it .... and then I got it "SO THATS what happened to the SOlomon island Pygmies after Deep Forest broke up!!!
But then i listened closer and knew that it must be a kids choir. Everyone loves kinds choirs! Kids choirs are the songs of angels! Their voices are so innocent and hopeful and alive that you get that feeling, you know what feeling when you are around children where you want to hold the innocence just to yourself forever and ever so much that you just want to smother the sound out of their little bodies??? U know what I mean. And so does TNes. TNes loves kids choirs. When they got into the studio he was like:
"I want the Harlem Boys CHoir! Puffy had the Harlem Boys Choir. Kanye had the Harlem Boys Choir. Jay Z had the Harlem Boys choir."
Unfortunately for TNes he didnt get the Harlem Boys Choir. Wanna know why? Well "Serious Business" was bankrolled by an aid loan from the International Monetary Fund and the loan rules say that none of the money can go to fund a project that displaces indigenous artists. CHeck the tarriff stamp!
SO when they explained that to TNes hes like
"Shit son, then get me the Lithuanian Boys Choir!"
Unfortunately for TNes he didnt get the Lithuanian Boys Choir neither. Wanna know why? Cause there aint none. Not anymore at least. There used to be, but after a landfill of defective Lance Armstorng plastic "LIVE STRANG" braceletsleaked into the waterways it 'strang'eled millions of migrating birds and it also got into the drinking situation and by 2002 boys were reaching puberty and "living strang" in Lithuania at age 6 and the angels started sounding like niteclub bouncers and since Lithuania outlawed castration in 2001, they had to make the LBC out of grown, shaved, men and changed the voices in post-production and that was going good until the government discovered that local Lith. chains of Outback Steakhouse were acting like underground railroads to help members of the LBC defect to tha west, and this was just 2 much drama in the LBC, so in 2k3 they outlawed all men singing in groups of 3 or more. Ever curious what happened to Bel Biv Devoe after that european tour ? Check effin Alytus Prison!
SO finally TNes says
"get me your biggest pop star! Gimme your biggest local diva! Gimme the Lithuanian Beyonce!"
And TNes got the Lithuanian Beyonce.
Her name is TELE BIM BAM, and she was the national finalist for the 2005 Lithuanian Eurovision SOngwriting COntest!!!
Thats here you hear singing on "My Life"
And HERE is her singing her smash hit
PUPA PUPA ('POOPA POOPA')
ANd TELE BIM BAM definitely has an inner Beyonce, (even though she has an outer 250 pound hausfrau singing Wiggles songs with an ABBA cover band.)
AWESOME ELECTRO SAX SOLO!!!!
Ever notice how many cool white saxaphone players there were in the 80s?? They were hard to recognize sometime cause they had disguises, and wore sunglasses. Sometimes they dressed like spies.
But when they stepped out of the fuscia shadows to blow their solo there was no mistaking what they really where: soulful electric mozarts!!!!!
Now do you Ever wonder what the eff happened to all these eccentric masters when the 80s finished????
They just all disappeared! What? There was major colony collapse, but no No bodies! What, You think they just retired? You think they just got regular jobs??? you know thats not true even as you tell it to yourself. WHite sax soloists cant hold down a 9 to 5. they dont wear socks for one thing. but a regular job well thats like being an animal in a cage for them. They might as well be dead if they cant rear back, in silhouette against a cardboard neon skyline, and express their passion in brassy, narrow-tied busrts.
No they didnt just go away. All the 80s sax stars went to Lithuania where they are prized like kings!!! After the 80s, it was like the scramble for nuclear scientists after the fall of Berlin!!! San Diego, Wildwood NJ, and the Bel Azur beach resort in Lebanon, all came after them, offering riches and papers and hair care products that are banned in the west and flattery and wives. Lithuania offered all that and more. But thats not what sealed the deal.
The Sax Men needed just one taste of the long, deep Lithuanian summer twilight to know they had come home. That magically smooth ultramarine dusk; that quivering cerulean gateway between day and dark, between protocol and poetry, when the night creatures first stir.
Cuz Session saxes dont live under flags, by maps or borders... They live like wolves in the warm nuance of twilight.
(Plus it didnt hurt that Lithuania was the birthplace of the original Saxaphone, aka the AEROPHONE:
WHich makes it extra sweet that TNez hooked up the sax in 'My Life', since Lithuania also birthplace of Rap music, which TNez recognizes when he gives props in the liner notes to "My Renaissance Niggaz" Jacobus Gallus and Krystof Harant
ANARCHO-RAP-SYNDACITE
No labor no profit I read that in a book.....
I was blessed with this bread For all the shit I took
TNez is packing on more layers than the Caron Butler Coat Drive with this litlle lyrcial myrical!!!!
Check the double meaningz:
at first looks this song is all about what all rap is about: "I Gotta Get Mine" Like those Applebee's Objectivists Salieri and Queen James say, a Mans soul = a shoebox under the bunk that you spend yo life fillin with money. SHOES = CASH!!!
But then TNez goes and flips tha scipt:
No labor no profit I read that in a book.....
And at first u thinking: "Sweet Tnez giving shout out to his former teammate LARON PROFT"
But on closer look, TNez is also giving props to KARL MARX, aka the Linda Lavin of Communism aka THA PLAYAS COACH, and his "LABOR THEORY OF VALUE"!!!!
TNez has been following the teachings of the Lithuanian Socialist Party ever since he read RObert Owens bestselling motivational book: "Together We Move Our Cheese"!!
PUNKS JUMP UP GT BEAT DOWN!
Shit done changed, I 'aint broke no mo' This is for the ones who thought I'd never go forward
Y'all used to smile in my face, but smile behind my back bro Knew y'all wouldn't riff(?) on my down, fallen prey
Shit I've got it made For all y'all that didn't believe it, That I was gonna fail when I was ballin' over seas That's the last time yall put odds against me Now y'all sit and watch while I'm hot bustin' threes
Y'all remember And you motherfuckers know who you are Who said T-Nes would never be a star
With these words T-Nes addresses all the haters, saying "Respek Tha ARkitekt!!" He dont mention names, but you dont need Calbert Cheaney smarts to figure out that TNes is turnin up the heat on the growing East Bloc - West Bloc rap rivalry that started when NBA rapper Tony Parker called TNez a "Gros connasse" backstage at the European MTV awards. TP better squash that!!! Dont he know he cant never win? Only way you can stop TNes is to POP TNez but u kill TNez and TNez is reborn larger in death than in life, like Tupac, u gun him down, 5 years from know even bell hooks be wearing the tshirt!!!!!
But also TNes be speaking to all y'alls that doubted , TNes saying "yo it says Payback on front of the Maybach" even though it really say "Looza" on front of his "Meduza" but its all good.
Cuz not only did TNes make it overseas, he owns the damn joint.
They worship him so bad they built a statue!! Not some lumpy little thing like that statue Micahel Jordan got in chicago, but a monstrous wonder that practically straddles estaern europe like goddam Collusus of Rhodes . TNEs's statues so big, its bigger than those giant Buddah statues in Afganistan that the Taliban blew up just before hollywood could fire up Blue Thunder to fly them to the safe acres of Roy Scheiders estate in East Hampton. But dont EVEN think the Taliban gonna be blowing up the TNez statue!!! Cause the TNes statue is seriously defended. For one it is guarded by the Aukstaitijan Shepherd Boys, who are trained in lethal arts of traditonal folk combat, and who have a fanatical devotion to TNez ever since he stood up for them during the terrible 2003 drought when he said on live TV "Valdas Adamkus doesnt care about Shepherds!!" and personally organized massive airlift of half-smokes in operation "Taste the Freedom!".And Even if the Taliban got past the shepherd guard, that statue is weaponized to the grillz, its like some f**kin Optimus Prime shits!!! Beneath the statues giant bronze DO-RAG is a sophisticaed COMSAT satellite targeting system that will send out lasers of death if it so much as sniffs a bearded arab in an old blue toyota pickup!!!! And dont say its "profiling" its just hard facts we face in these hard times. The world is "Serious Business" now, after 9/11 freedom aint no John COugar Melloncamp song or some trained eagle flying to home plate - freedom is hard facts, like fact that Taliban stands for things that have no place in freedom and HIPHOP:
-Disrespecting women -Dealing drugs -Driving around in trucks with weapons
In the '98 Playoffs the Glove was notorious for his trash talking but in recent interview Bennett Salvatore revealed that in Game 5 Payton's running stream on outrageous zingers was in fact a word-4-word, real-time ripoff of Don Rickles' routine from his legendary '68 engagement at The Sahara!
WIZZNUTZZ OBTAIN CRIME SCENE PHOTO OF ANDRAY BLATCHE ARREST!!!
Insider reports Dre defense is that he was just "testing the market" and only expected negotiations of BJ 4 Benjamins to go as far as arbitration.!!!
We spoke with wizznutzz Intern-At-Large DANA of late 90s Postgame Call-In SHow fame about the case because she is an expert whren it comes to "solicitation" and she says it is no big deal and that sometimes a mans gotta "Pay 2 Play" and she claims trading sex for Capris Sun coupons is not a crime in Louisiana for whatever thats worth !!!!!
You maybe saying "whats a machosensual millionaire need to pay money to cop Good Cop from Bad Cop????" Maybe he watched too much late-nite Cagney and Lacey when his young body was changing?? Or maybe it was just an IMPULSE PURCHASE - u know, like when you linin and dinin at the express checkout at Giant Food with your deli meat Party Platter and next thing you know you stuffing Duracell gold tops and an electric lollypop down your drawstringz!
