Monday, July 30, 2007
The sports world has been smeared with scandal recently, from the bad blood of the Tour de France to the boneyard at Chais Vick to the Gameshark hearings of the pro XBox circuit to crooked ref Tim Donaghy. ANd its only gonna get worse in the coming days. Wait till Phil Mushnick opens the anonymous letter in his mailbox that details the mysterious $200,000 prop bet placed 3 days before Jarvis Hayes won "Best Dressed Wizard" even though Jarvis was wearing a 'Johnny Dangerously' promotional windbreaker and a pair of borrowed Sears Braggin Dragon tennis shorts. The real reason Wiz President Susan O'Malley resigned???
And then theres Barry Bonds whos causing for more awkward squirming in white men than a Tears for Fears concert!!!
To commemorate Barry's Big Chase, we have climbed into the mothering hut and emerged with TWO glorious tribute tees!!!
Plus we emerged with the awesome phrase "Braided-belt Belt"!! CHuck Klosterman offered us a Leonard Hamilton rookie card and a Starsailor mix-tape for exclusive rights to the phrase but we said no Jose B!!! Our incites r open source my friend!
Among baseball's royals, there is none more regal than Hank Aaron, the people's Home Run King, and his 755, the true crown.
Whether you want to celebrate Hank, or just protest the pretender to his throne, you'll feel unbreakably chic in our majestically detailed Home Run King Tee.
Available in a variety of hammerin' colors and styles, including metallic gold and Atlanta Braves throwback blue and red.
Shirts as cheap as $12 with our $5 coupon!!!
TAINTED LOVE Our Cryptically Commemorative Barry Bonds Home Run Record T-Shirt
Unlike Barry Bonds, our Tainted Love t-shirt testifies, testifies to the fact that sometimes, numbers do lie!
756 is a big number. A milestone. A number as big and bulbous as the very head on Barry's shoulders.
But for many people - especially the Holy Joes of sports-talk, the baseball bourgeois, the Dave & Buster moralists, and the vast pious swaths of America's "Braided-belt Belt" - 756 is as tainted as a crate of Chinese Topol.
When Barry passed Hammerin Hank, he wrote himself into the great annals of sporting achievement, and he wrote himself into its timeline of infamy.
(The words "taint" AND "annals" on one page?! Bring it on Google!!!)
This shirt celebrates sports history's more dubious achievements, its most notorious statistics, its numerology of shame.
A great shirt for trivia geeks, history buffs, and general haters alike!
Check out the tainted love page too see how many numbers you guessed and vote for the most tainted number in sports!!!!
Friday, July 27, 2007
WIZZNUTZZ SUMMER VACATION PLANS FALL THROUGH
Our annual intern vacation has been cancelled cus SOMEONE lost our allowance!!!!!
We were all so excited for our annual summer trip to ANTHROCON 07 !!!!
August Strindberg aka "The VOLE" was going to be selling his newest graphic novel!
We have been Furries ever since Anthrocon 05 when Dana aka "Cloaca-Mae" was approached by a man in a vintage Winnie The Pooh suit with a sign that said "Touch My Honeypot Christopher Robin" and it turned out to Be fellow mascot enthusiast Jerry Stackhouse!!!
JStack turned us onto the whole scene and some weekends he would pick us up in his Escalade and we just roll , roll away with the wind in our hair... roll away from our uncomfortable bald naked manskins and from bald naked man-prejudice
ANyway so we needed to find housing for Anthrocon07 since Courtyard by Marriot banned furries after last year because of mascot-sized scats in the morning danish cart and that missing south african tourist found in the pouch of "Mike The Wallaby"
SO Jaarko posted on furrie message boards : "GerbilSeeksRacoons!" and a guy called "Foxwolfie" emailed us . He seemed nice enough!!
He promised us space in his den outside pittsburgh!!
But then he started talking to Jaarko about this money-making idea he had. He said he had a real sex tape of "a famous celebrity" and that he would sell it to Jarrko for $400 and that Jaarko could put it on our website and make millions for Pay-Per-View selling so Jaarko says "YOA!!!" and now we are out $400 and stuck with old betamax tape of what turns out to just be video of EVAN Longoria playing Nintendo 64 with his shirt off!!! SO long story short, we are back at Wheaton Plaza, but still in our fur constumery since we already paid for them. Circuit city loves us because The kids love us and because the mice dont!!!
And there was some mail in our box when we got back!
KFERG is genious no doubt. He learned the damn KEYTAR at age 3. He was a keytar protege and the oldest of DR FINK'S 12 sons. DR FINK worked him hard, like earl woods, to give him the keytar opportunities he never had. He went on Carson and played "Stray Cut Strut" on synth at age 4!! Doc Severensen was visibly pleased!!!
AND ALSO, Wizznutzz Northen Indiana Bureau CHIEF ANDREW SENDS US THIS SIGHTING OF the "POWERFUL AND CRAFTY" GOD:
Greetings Wizznutzz,
Your faithful correspondent in the basketball backwoods of Elkhart, Ind., (former home of Shawn "Supersperm" Kemp!), Andrew, reporting in on the IBL "World Championship" held here in the friendly confines of North Side Gym Saturday night. The reigning champs, the Elkhart Express, hosted the Portland Chinooks for all the marbles, and eked out a 113-109 win. All was well in Elkhart, the new epicenter of the hoops world.
But one fact escaped me until Sunday evening: The Chinooks were piloted by none other than Shammgod Wells, AKA God Shammgod! God passed out 15 assists in the losing effort, but that's not all he dished out. From The Truth's story for publication Monday:
"After Elkhart had stormed back from a 17-point, third-quarter deficit to draw as close as 74-71 late in the period, the powerful and crafty Wells, a former NBA player and Providence College star, drove the lane on consecutive possessions, got fouled both times and hit all four free throws to restore the Chinooks' lead to 78-71.
With most in the crowd of 3,244 booing lustily, Wells shook his head and waved mockingly to the fans to turn up the volume as he stepped to the line, then held his hand to his ear halfway through each set of free throws as if to say, "I can't hear you."
That only riled up the fans more.
And their developing dislike for Wells may have been at least a little bit of what kept those fans fired up after Portland stretched its lead back out to 99-87 with just 7:23 remaining in the game.
Sweet irony how it all worked out.
After Elkhart took its first lead since the first quarter at 107-105, Wells had a chance to even the score with another pair of free throws.
He missed the first, the crowd squealed and laughed and roared in response, and the Chinooks never did catch the Express the rest of the way.
"He started it, and I'm glad he did," Elkhart guard Coleco Buie said after the game.
"It doesn't take much with our crowd," Express coach and owner Daimon Beathea said of Wells' third-quarter gestures, "but, yeah, I was glad to see it."
Certainly Cedric Moodie noticed, and Elkhart's season scoring leader didn't approve.
"Oh, yeah, I remember it," Moodie said of Wells' maneuvers. "I give them a lot of credit for being a good team, but I think they were kind of disrespecting us, too. They were kind of arrogant, and we didn't take that too well. We had to do what we had to do."
Teammate Correy Childs was a little more amused than Moodie, but ultimately, he thought Wells' ridicule played into the game as well.
"That's a typical New York guard," Childs said with a chuckle of the New York City native. "They like that type of stuff, but as a basketball player, you've just got to use it as motivation to work harder to stop him. He had a good game, but we did a pretty good job on him."
Moodie, Tim Pledger, Rashi Johnson and Darmetreis Kilgore were among those who had turns at guarding Wells, who dominated during the first half, but was slowed considerably in the second.
Wells netted 14 points to go with 6-of-7 shooting from the field and 12 assists before intermission as Portland took a 60-45 lead, but added just seven points, 1-of-7 field-goal shooting and three assists after the break."
I thought you might be interested in hearing of Shamm's voyage to north-central Indiana. I also attached a photo of the veteran guard for your enjoyment.
-Andrew
Damn, Elkharrt fans are harsh! They boo god!
But This story is obviously faker than Jim Lynams tax return!
For one, we all know that when God isnt in the Chitown McDOnalds, that hes busy recording posthumus Tupac records. Second of all the names are obviously fake!
"Rashi Johnson"?? Only place u gonna find that name is on Danas caller ID! !!!
And "Moodie", "Tim Pledger", and "Darmetreis Kilgore"???
Those are all Harry Potter characters, not IBL playas!!!
So far the summer has been pretty calm for Gilbert Arenas. When he's not rehabbing his knee he is fulfilling his NBA Live 08 spokesman duties with the glee of Gollum in a Zales showroom.
Its is the most exciting Washington Wizards / Video Game partnership since Kevin Duckworth graced the cover of Muncher!! and since Ed, Edd 'n Eddy: The Mis-Edventures cancelled its affiliation with Eddie Jordan, Eddie Murray and Eddie Money after a disasterous game launch where Eddie Money kept yelling:
Gimme some water! Cause I shot a man on the Mexican border!
and Eddie Jordan swallowed a sharpie and Eddie Murray shouted "DONT TALK TO THEM EDDIE!!" and slapped a reporter.
He said when he was on vacation he was in a place that had no crime and no poor people! No not McLean, its called TAHITI!!!
NOw we know with Agent Zero he has a lively mind. If David Stern hadnt banned the odious racist practice of Phrenology in NBA medicals, you would see that Gilberts brain is divided into into two lobes: The Kidder Lobe, thats a funny place, and the Margot Kidder lobe, also funny, also very scary sometimes.
"Yes," he said. "I want to buy an island. Because Diana Ross has an island. Marvin Brando had an island."
ISLAND INCITES:
1. This is not first time Gilbert has dreamed of Island Life:
Lately I've been dreaming I'm playing basketball on a desert island. That's all there is on the island-just the court, water lapping right up to the edge of the blacktop. It's just water all out there. Deep. Then I notice there are fans out in the waves, circling us.
When we did epic Agent Zero INCITE last season we explained that Psychoanalist and original MILF Hunter Sigmund Freud calls this dreamin "SELF ESTRANGEMENT":
Why is Gilbert hiding himself away deeper than Calvin Booth in a box score???
Well for one thing he has been hiding from his girlfriends Lawyers. But if you asked a man named Heidegger, who invented a magic 8 Ball you don't EVER want to shake, he will tell you that "self-estrangement" means agent zero is confronting the fears of an unauthentic life. An "unauthentic life" is when you have a public ego which is like the big billboard version of yourself outside the Verizon center, but inside you are wrestling with lifes banality, which is like wrestling with Awvee Storey but in your brain instead of the team bus.
2. Yes, Diana and Brando bought islands. SO did many celebrities.
Raymond Burr bought one. He told the locals "They Call Me MISTER Bonobo!"
Rod STewart bought the island shaped like England in that crazy "The World" development in Dubai where they make islands in shape of map of the world. Rod isnt popular with his neighbors there after he waded over to Diego Maradona's "Argentina" island and urinated on the Falklands!
And Mel Gibson bought Mago island in Polynesia for $15 million from Japan's Tokyu Corporation. Scary part is, Gibsons island has inhabitants and they are not very happy, hell no i bet they arent after they saw Apocalypto and The Bounty (aka "The Good SHip Brown Sugar Tits") and after he announced plans to remake Bird On A Wire in the native language, according to his original vision , "before the Hollywood Jewed it up"
3. Will Gilbert call his Island "SAN HIPPOLITO"???
4. What is Gilberts intention for getting island?
Is it to create socialist utopia with culture based on free expression and an economy based on "SWAG"?
Does he want to be like Mister Roarke and drive around in an orange, safari-top Dodge Aspen station wagon with Awvee Storey, granting twisted wishes to wealthy but unfulfilled washed-up B-listers like Sammy Davis Jr. and Audrey Landers and Christian Laettner???
Is Agent Zero having a mental breakdown like Paul Gauguin or ex-Orioles outfielder Jeffry "Kurtz" Hammonds and hoping to escape vertigo of western progress by running to a calming world of fruit and nakedness and wideopen crazy?
Does Gil want his own country to rule, aka a Wi-Fi Dictablanda where Agent Zero imagines himself in role of ancient Spartan Philosopher King, squashing snubs for the betterment of all, a benevolent dictator who is latest in long-line of self-appointed enlightened despots like Francisco Franco and Oliver Cromwell and Alderman George Unseld??
5. When Gilbert said how Marvin Brando bought an Island, was he actually thinking of Marlon Brando in the movie "The Island Of Dr Moreau"???
Does Gil have a fantasy of setting up an island of MANIMALS to control with his mad science and primal legislaturez????
Does he want to dress up in a white mumu like Brando and have a mini-me version of himself to satisfy a mad narcissism and to play co-op Halo with??
Ma Brand looks like a Cleveland Park pyschologist or Wes Unseld on casusal fridays!!!
But Gilbert doesnt need to dream about having an island like this, because THIS ISLAND ALREADY EXISTS!!!!
Its called HERZOG ISLAND! and its in his backyard, right in the Potomac. Dont believe it?? Just cuz they didnt teach herzog island in your Montgomery College Geography class dont mean its not so.
And Herzog is already teeming with half man, half animal freaks. They are the sad, cruel bio-refugees that escaped from Abe Pollin's evil In Vitro Farm, the top secret eugenics program he ran under the Cap Center to "Breed A Winner" for Washington.
We reported before on the evidence:
Recently declassified "LEDELL EXPERIMENT"!!! Witness the horrible results: Ledell Eackles , (aka "Ledell Eakles Prototype 3BETA. Nonviable. Destroy At Maturity.") hiding in Neckless shame in the shadows of his own fate!
Witness Manute Bol: his mother a 4'7" Baltic Jockey, his father.... "ANONYMOUS".
Witness the 9 hours erection, the REAL reason Muggsy Bogues is out of the league!
Michal Jordan calls Wizards teammates Mules. Mules atre INFERTILE. Former Bullets , Celibate Rifles!! MJ finds "leprauchauns" in his shrubs one night, parts ways with team shortly after.
WITNESS recentrly unveiled documentation: Kevin Duckworth is thirteen years old!!!
For many years these poor monsters have been living happily out of sight, under the protections of Wes Unseld who Abe put in charge of "Care Of Magical Creatures", though now and then there is an accidental "encounter" like the time the Park Service shot dead a "wild boar" on a tennis court. A "boar" that was wearing jewerly and Burberry cologne with a copy of Smooth Magazine in his pocket and an iPod shuffle filled with only songs of El DeBarge, and the Ranger who swore he heard that boar scream, "There is no pain! There is no law!" before he took him down.
Friday, July 06, 2007
"N.B.A." RAP Hurt 'Em Bad 12" Single : Groove Tunes Records : 1982 Out Of Print
God Shammgod just sent us a summer care package from china!!!
10 pounds of herpes resistant catifsh and a brand new mixtape!!!
On the mixtape was this super-rare madness "N.B.A. RAP" thats icin like tyson!!!
....The greatest Baller song of all time that dropped into the AM waves with tha heavy authority of a Greevy's potato skin about the time that Agent Zero was first pawing at Gil Srs linen blazer for a fruitfless teat!!
Shoot. Swoop. Loop Da Loop, Ya take Caldwell Jones to the hoop I said Slam. Pow. To hear tha sounds of the swish of the nets from the turnaround
To give the game all that I got, To never miss a jump shot To capitalize on their mistakes To run and gun on the fast break
Its the greatest rimes since Samuel Taylor Coleridge aka "STay COld" freestyled:
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan A stately pleasure-dome decree: Up jump thee boogie, To thy boggie to thee boggie do be
I know "Hurt em Bad" name sounds like some early Nine-Os New Jack Swingaz, but you better smell yourself before ya Ledell yoself cuz:
'NBA RAP' is vintage 1982!!!!
82!!!! Its like the first rap song ever! All the Kidd n Play Creationists right now be saying "Wait, there were black people in 82??!!!"
Back in 82, rap was young and still experimenting: like a young college freshman David Stern when he moved into his dorm and met new roomate Randy Pontz, the physically confident, sexually adventurous jew warrior from new Paltz with his long legs and short towel 82! Yo to get a sense of how old skool that is, check it on our Hip-Hop NBA timeline:
1982 was:
-2 years before LeBron James was born!
-3 years before Larry Blackmon wore his codpiece outside of the house for the 1st time!!
-4 years before the great Helen Reddy appeared in Fat Boys movie Disorderlies!!
-10 years before Gheorghe Muresan made the Guinness Book for owning the baggiest pair of denim jeans in the world, then set another record that same summer for wearing them backwards at a Kriss Kross concert!
-12 years before Brent Price lost his respect and wife to brother Mark in a heated breakoff
-16 years before "CWebb" released the Gangsta epic 2Much Drama
-22 years before Tyrone "T-Nez" Nesby danced on stage with Peasants and New Democratic Party Union candidate Kazimira Prunskiene at a Lithuanian political rally!!
-25 years before Tony Parker drops coucougnettes and drops "TP"
-35 years before MC Brains is eligible for Rock n Roll Hall Of Fame!!!
All you Youtube SCorcese's dust off your throwback reels and git crackin!!
15 Brand New Hilarious SLogan Tees to choose from, in classic Pop Warner lettering!!!
Everyone loves sports! Everyone loves sayings. And everyone love clothes. Even Steve Blake! We put them all together!
Plus you can MAKE YOUR OWN T-SHIRT for as little as $15, $10 after coupon! Dress your whole bobsled team!
Send u photos of your custom shirt for our gallery and we'll give you fame and MoHut shopping credits!!! 10 Bucks! That's Darvin Ham money! At those prices, imagine the Mothering Hut as your own personal sweatshop. But without the long hours, industrial accidents, and forced smiles when Michael Jordan tours the factory floor.
For many years offseason moves for bullets went like this:
Abe Pollin would dispatch Wes Unseld on "scouting trips" aka 2 tickets to a Terps game and a whole summer sleeping on benches in area playgrounds. Then Wes would report back to Abe with a short list of young local players who didn't try and rob him. Then Abe would bring in prospects for a workout: basically to test their skillz carving turkeys for charity events and going head-2-head with Susan OMalley in dance Dance Revolution on the N64. Then Abe tells John Nash "draft me that Calbert Cheaney!" even though we already have Calbert Cheaney on the team, so J Nash says "sure Boss" and drafts some other shooting guard with low self esteem. Then the whole cycle starts aphresh
But thingz done changed since EGrunf taken charge!
CUZ EGrunf loves the Eastern European WHite Man!!!
E Grunf employs half of Eastern europes athletes!
Hes turning Wiz into "EASTERN BLOC MOTORS"!
-He got the Kapsukan King, DSOng. -Then he got BIG OILY, pure OPEC grade Ukranian Crude. -Then he wasnt done and he got Vladimir Veremeenko and VDub aka V2 aka "Meenk DeVille"!!!
EGrunf loves nothing more than heading east for a working vacatiuon in the Low Bloc come summer!! And as much EGrunf loves eastern europe, they love him 10 times that much because he is their lifeblood!! he is a mini-economy to himself, young men be growing up in high school wanting to be coal sorters or engineers and teachers be like "yo stop dreaming, be realistic and become a euro-pro basketballk player, theres security in that!!" they even have guidance ads for hi school grads that the governement shows, being like "Theres ALways work at the post office!"
EGrunf is their pipleine to the NBA, like how Stalin had the "Road of Bones" Egrunf has "Road of Former Soviet Jeff Malones"!!!!
He gathers so much tall white wood they call him TIMBALAND over there!! And when he comes to visit - whether he's playing kadima in a speedo bythe Sea of Azov , or taking in Ukraine Super-League game from fuel trader Viktor Pinchuk's suite, or guest lecturing in Medieval Culture at Belarus PolyTech - he is treated like greatest of royalty.
There is a whole industry to just making him happy:
-comped townhouse in Kiev's posh Krecshatik nabe, -complimentary Nevmirov vodka waiting for him the fridge, -first class Blyadis aka the Bear geishas of Odessa to satisfy his every whim, (and when he tips the bear geishas he does so with special issue hrivna currency that have his face on them courtesy of Ukrainian Finance Ministry !!! )
SO, we were very suprised this year at NBA draft when Ernie went domestic.
But we arent bitter. We love the picks! The draft left a great lasting taste in our mouths, like Chinese Topol!!
(It sure turned out better than the Blogger Draft where we were picked by the Knicks at number 23!!! Jaarko was halfway upstate on the SARS Express when he realized it was only a mock draft!!! )
Sure it is true, like Agent Steinz predicted, that in our hearts we hoped for Petteri Koponen, aka the Finnish Bengali Rifle, to be drafted.
For one he has incredible steady hands, fast and strong that he got that way from a lifetime of gutting fish, he has fish-firm hands of Gollum!! But also, as a Finlander, he is used to never sleeping through winter season, like Gilbert Arenas!!!! They would be great workout partners for 4 in the morning, when both their circadian rhythms are crazier than Danas are backstage at a T-Pain concert!
We also were hoping maybe wizards would draft Morris ALmond.
Morris ALmond sounds like a guy who sold leisure suits in 1975 Philli, does he not??!!! "I still remember when the Ohio Players came in my store...." ... yo Morris we love hearing your stories!!! But The main reason we wanted Morris Almond, actually the only reason, is that when he would bunk with Cal Booth in summerball, everyone could call them by the nicknames: "ALMOND JOY and MOUNDS" !!!!
But we are very excited to have NICK YOUNG!!!! From what Agent Steinz reports, Nick will be charisma insurance for wizards foir years to come. With Gil and Nick together in lockerrom, its gonna be Trick AND Treat, japes city, like a long lost Wayans brothers pilot!!! Dont get me wrong, big Oily's Gregory Hines impression from White Knights is hilarious, but how you think thats gonna go down in THE TWO SIX O???
Gil will be extra motivated this summer. For preparing for new season of basketball yes, but mostly for preparing for new season of practical jokes!!
And Nick will be perfect comedy sidekick for Gil. Every great comedian had a sidekick. Pryor had WIlder. Seinfeld had Kramer. CHeech had Chong. Hall had Gnorm. !!!
