Mothering Hut mentioned in July issue of STUFF MAGAZINE!!!!!
We were hoping for Mila Kunis posing atop a pile of shaved brisket in a Jahidi White thong (nothing says INTIMATE like a salty J WHite gameworn!) - but we'll take it!!!
SECOND OF ALL:
We r mentioned in Wednesdays Tony Kornheseir Radio SHow!!
Disgraced intern and PR whore "James from Wheaton' sent TK some MoHut swag and a rambling letter and got more love than Steve Blake in a Beltsville woodshed!!!..
We dont know what is more satisfying, hearing TK saying the word "Brilliant" or saying the words "CheeseBoot"!!!! (ringtone coming soon!)
This means now that MoHut swag has been worn by stars of PArdon The Interruption AND Pardon The Weeping!!!
It is also the first time we have been on Tonys show since we put ANdy Pollin up for sale on eBay!!! The government of Bangladesh is still furious that their winning bid wasnt honored!!! Especially after they were so convinced by the testimonials:
"My Polley arrived last week, and it was ready to go, right out of the box. The instructional video was so helpful: I was riding my Polley in minutes!" ---J. Hutto, SIlver Spring, MD
"I liked my Polley so much, I bought one for every room in the house! The best thing is, now I don't have to fight with my wife and kids for control of the Polley! Thanks Andy Polley!" ---S. Daly, Ocean City, MD
"I purchased the optional Polley Pants and suddenly I'm the most popular lady at the home. Now every day I feel like the teenager I once was --- springtime in Rhodesia , a young woman , apprehensive with my budding sexuality, and yet nervously excited with it's promises! " --- R.S. Smutts
"My Polley is alert and likes to perform routine tasks. Andy Polley is so Right On!" ---George Kennedy
The First Lady of DC Hoops, the most perkily ruthless promoter since Leni Riefenstahl, steps down leaving quite a legacy:
-Her Wizards 'Singles Nights' increased distict birthrate 7% in 2006!!
-Partnered in successful fashion line available through Men's Warehouse. The'Gal Monday' brand paired white sneakers with navy suit sets for trendy commuter coordinates!!!
-She was pivotal whistle blower in Federal Lawsuit against Dow Chemicalz to enforce stricter flame retardant limits in Mascot costumery. Key evidence in trial included:
- O'Malley's brainchild 'Basket', the 'Safe' Mascot
-Gaithersburg police autopsy proving former mascot Hoops' tragic 'Death by Cop' linked to pockets of toxic blue polyester in brain
Susan will be using her new free time to focus on her work as Motivational speaker and continue to teach corporate speaking at Learning Annex. Its most popular Learning Annex course ever taught by member of the washington Bullets.
More popular even than Doug Collins "Make Money The Cronie Way" or Kevin Duckworths "The 7 Laws Of Excess" or Gar Heard's "Bicycles!" or Micahel Ruffins ""The Amazing Power Of Self-Hypnosis"!!
Intern Jaarko has already put this new skill to work, weaving a smart nautical jacket out of baconrope to present to Finlands number one celebrity RENNY HARLIN when Renny came to visit Borga Segelsallskap Yeucht Clob where Jaarko works summers in the cabana as Herring Boy
Renny was flattered and looked xtra handsome in his meat tux!!!!. The ladies were more attracted to him than ever!!!! Unfortunately so were the wolverines!!! Doctors say Reny will get back use of most of his hands and that most scars will heal nicely though some pieces of bacon they couldnt remove and will now remain an intimate part of his biomatrix for all time and that he may develop a fear of delis!!!
4. Reggie Theus tabbed as new head coach of Sacramento Kings!!
Malouf Brothers were impressed by Theus' coaching on the TNBC sitcom "HANG TIME"
They were esp impressed by his performances during two hi-pressure "Very Special Episodes":
Ep. #23 - where Coach Fuller teaches Danny that dog fighting isnt just illegal, its also uncool Ep. #16 - where he becomes concerned with Teddy's obsession with strip clubs and shows him how to "Make it rain with self-respect".
5. We are visiting our friends at WAYWARD O website, its about Orioles aka "Angelos vs The People Of Baltimore".
Agent Steinz wonders what connection to wizznutzz is.. isnt it obvious?? Tite grammar and losing! We have nostalgic envy for Wayward O. COmpared to Wiz, Orioles are so early in the cycle of defeat. They havent even changed their name and traded Tejada for Ike Austin yet!!
6. WE HAVE NEW ADVERTISERS!!!
We welcome two advertisers to the wizznutzz family.
They gave us money to be mentioned on the site! Usually we are given money by people NOT to be mentioned on site!
At RAZORGATOR you can buy tickets to all sorts of sports events. Its amazing! A guy there even sold me 4 front row tockets to a 1982 Bullets-Hawks game!!!! And threw in free Cap Center parking!!!
At BETUS.COM you can place all kinds of bets on all kinds of stuff.
Cool prop bets like:
- $22,000, 000 : Over/Under : Opening day gross in Mexicso for Chico DeBarge film The Queen Of Media
- 12 : Over/Under : Number of times during upcoming charity 2-ball event between Gilbert Arenas/Abe Pollin and Kobe Bryant/Jerry Buss that someone trash talks the phrase "Quality Shits"
We LOVE ADVERTISERS! If you are interested in advertising with us you will force your product down peoples throats like it was Capris sun and vodka!!!!
Our german website makers have given us important advetising profile information.
They say wizznutzz.com readerz are part of lucrative demographic.
Our average reader:
- Is a 14 or 83 year old man - Lives alone - Has a Credit history suggesting wreckless spending - Is employed by a nursing home that is the subject of an investigation by a TV News Magazine - Describes self as "Angry" , "Hungry" - Spends 60 hours a week online - Lists "Pictures of Naked Fat Men" as main reason they use consumer technology - Has elevated blood Nitrite levels - Is willing to try dangerous products
Plus if you advertise on wizznbutzz.com you get the following corporate benfits:
- Our intern Dana will have your logo tattooed on her lower back - You get to appoint the next Mayor Pro Tem of Saginaw, Michigan - U get Naming Rights to the Mothering Hut!!!!
Friday, June 15, 2007
Tha NBA came to a close last nite with all the dramaz of the 1987 series finale of "Gimme A Break" (I was sure Dolph Sweet was gonna get whacked!!!!)
Basketball analists all over are breaking down the endgamez today, but we have INCITES on wizznutzz we promise U WONT FIND ANYWHERE ELSE!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!
Its a cautionary tale about the villagers of small hamlet called 'Cleveland' and a magic mule and greed and the savage burden of expectation and sudden fortune, and shows us all that even in timez of great despair, man can find comfort in the redemptive power of bacon.
Check more astounding original recordings, including tha worldwide smash "QUEEN JAMES" at GOD SHAMMGOD'S MIX TAPE!
EDITORS NOTE:
A commenter says we make fun of Z-Ilgz dead kids and thats over line. Oh my Yes it is way way over the line. And we live on this side of the line and so we know!! But wizznutzz and especially intern Babyshambles is far far too simple to know that Mr Z and his wife actually had a real tragedy once in childbirth and our joke was only just to make fun of his creepy burrying-stuff-in-the-woods appearance - we swear on the knees of Llorenzo Williams and our regret is tru. Please take our aoplogy and send your monies to Mr Ilgauskas children chairities at The Cleveland Clinic
"People see God every day, they just don't recognize him." -Pearl Bailey
We were enjoying our torpid vacation of apres putt-putt and curing bologna on the roof of August's Ford Focus and Jarrko had just finished painting his "Moomintrolls: Pets or Meat" sign when we was disturbed by three things:
1/ HAte Mail we got from Paul Chaon TRU FACT! Paul's cavalier spelling, foul temper and repeat use of word "salty" make us thinking: FUTURE INTERN!!!
2/ Gilbert Arenas saying he will opt out of his contract and triggering hysteria that Agent Zero will leave DC, maybe to Detroit where he can be closer to his Halo Team!!!
But We r not afraid. Opting out of contract is standard procedure, its not unusual in the way, like say when Kwame Brown opted out of his foreskin during 2002 Wizards summer league. Wizznutzz Hon. Intern Unsilent Majority goes on Deadspin to set tha record straight! 3/ We get A supa-hot EXLUSIVE tip comes in from Superfan John Moe!!!!
Hey Guys,
This seemed like something you might be interested in. Tom Newell, son of legendary coach Pete Newell, is organizing a game this weekend in Seattle with 11-foot hoops in order to cut down on dunking (and excitement and interest). The roster is mostly scrubs/alums of local colleges but in the mix is Shammgod Wells, the former God Shammgod.
In CHI-TOWN They call Agent Zero DA JIANG JUN "THE GENERAL"!!!! because he is peerless and commanding in the league!
LeBron James, why they call him "Xiao Huang Di" aka "Little Emperor"!!! Haha!
Carmelo Anthony they call "Tian Gua" aka "Sweet Melon" double haha when we tell u Rasheed Wallace tried to buy the rights to Sweet Melon off Melo for 3 million Yen!
And in China they call Black Marvin, CHris Porter and BB Waldon "THE THREE GORGES". WHo r thoise dudes u ask?? WHy they are US starz in CBA, CHinese Basketball Association, but not as big a star as God Shammgod who they called "SHAMMGOD WELLS"!!!!
aka aka Happy Meals!!!!
IN this SO AWESOME ARTICLE and THIS ONE ALSO we find God playing 4 TaiYuan, Shanxi Province (Its like Beltsville but with more mopeds and the pollen has wings!)
Yes its old story now. Lots of people talked about it, including our friend Henry who had best GOD headline of tha lot:
It took us long time to finish it because we just kept rereading the line:
"I traveled to the dusty, dingy burg and found God in the second-rate hotel across the street "
But when we did finally read we learn its true that "God is in the Details" and those details are:
God Eating only McDonalds, God showering in lockerooms filled with smoke from cigarettes, Gods voice transmitting from heavens via a Skype account, God dreaming of going back to NBA or at least going to Outback Steakhouse in Shanghai.
U always have a home here God! We believe! We saw the face of Ledell Eackles on a grilled cheese sandwich.! We cant wait for the day when God is honored at a Bullets old-timers night, weighing 300 pounds, with a hacking cough, stinking of sweet n sour sauce, crossing up Pervis, talking trash in Mandarin!
It was funny thought to read this spring of God among the heathen Chinee, seeing as a week prior we had got an additional, bonus EXLCUSIVE INCITE in our colecovision inbox from Sperfan SETH!!
Seth wrote in from Portland, HOME OF THE SEA DOGS!!!
I don't know you, you don't know me, but I know that you enjoy yourGod Shammgod. I need to tell you that I randomly saw him in Vancouver, Washington playing in an IBL game last Saturday for the Portland Chinooks. I had no idea he would be present, so you can imagine my delight. But anyways, I have 6 Updates for you:
1) He is officially going by "Shammgod Wells" again.
Best part is when we went to investigate the IBL we find that it only costs like 20 Grand to buy a franchise!!! Now our plan is to sell enough SILENCE=BACON T-SHirts to raise the 20K to buy an IBL team and run it like rotisserie league building a dreamteam of our fave all-time wizznutzz allstars:
We would turn into Eastern Motors "ENTERTAINER LEAGUE" with 8 ft hoops, and trampolines and travelling across the country playing in Circuit City parking lots and have DC celeb coaches, like Gilbert "Gil The Thrill" Arenas Senior and WOlf Blitzer (tho u know when he slips into gameday coaching velour he callz himself 'Honeybear") and Nils and Chico DeBarge and for halftime entertainment we rescue SKydog(tm) from Qyntel Woods/Mike Vicks "Q-Skool" Dog Fighting Academy and return him to arena where he does what he is meant to do: no , not detect cancer in the owners booth! catch frisbees for poor folk!!!
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Cleveland, Vous Ne Gagnerez Rien
At Wizznutzz HQ (well, at the Wizznutzz HQ auxiliary, since Darvin won't let me into the loading dock of the Circuit City at Wheaton Plaza anymore), we subscribe to the Washington Post both to have newsprint on which to cool cookies after they come out of the oven and to ensure that we are fully up to date on the latest doings of Washington sports teams. You know, because the paper has the word "Washington" in the name.
Imagine my horror when I picked up the "Outlook" section (there was a steak on the front of it) and found an article by some joker named Dan Chaon titled "Cleveland, Je T'Aime," propounding the unappreciated greatness of the Mistake by the Lake and hymning the emergence of the Queen and his royal retinue on the bright stage of the NBA Finals.
You read that right: The Washington Post, which supposedly serves a city that has a basketball team that has been eliminated from the playoffs two years in a row by the basketball team from Cleveland, today published an article extolling the basketball team from Cleveland.
I have often defended Washington's reputation as a sports town from those who would malign it by pointing out the fanatical devotion of Redskins fans, by citing the big crowds the Nationals drew before Stan Kasten implemented his "Operation: Suck Mightily" long-term plan, and especially by showing the many examples of the happy, fervent affection we feel for the Wizards. But the Post isn't doing D.C.'s reputation any favors by publishing this trash. What are we going to see next? "Theocracy, Je T'Aime" by Moqtada al-Sadr?
In proper blog style, I am going to quote especially red-meaty chunks of Chaon's article and then deride them mercilessly. Please also note that Chaon's latest book has a sales rank of 209,753 on Amazon.
I come into my younger son's room, where he is supposed to be studying for a test, and find him looking at Cavs center Zydrunas Ilgauskas's MySpace page instead. "Did you know," Paul says, "that Zydrunas has Michael Jordan in his top friends?"
Somehow this does not surprise me. After all, Salieri always welcomes a new project in breaking down young egos and sowing doubt and perversity. That he's using the Internet to extend his reach, like some common pedophile, is just more cause for concern.
Laugh if you like, but I'd venture that my quality of life here in Cleveland is much better than yours.
I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of the Cuyahoga River catching on fire. Could you repeat that one? Thanks.
If you're from Cleveland, you always have the vague sense that all the other cities are laughing at you.
If you only have a vague sense that we're all laughing at you, you're not paying enough attention.
Faced with national and international scorn, Clevelanders frequently harbor deep-seated fantasies of acclaim and honor. We can be unreasonably thrilled by even the vaguest contact with celebrity. (A teensy portion of "Spider-Man 3" filmed on downtown streets! Actress Julia Louis-Dreyfus spotted at a Cavs game!)
When I told my son Paul that I was writing an essay for The Washington Post, he narrowed his eyes. "Make sure you write in there somewhere that the Wizards suck," he said, vengefully.
Big Dan Chaon, putting his thoughts in his son's mouth. (Is that legal?) Let me just make one thing clear: This year, the Cavs beat the Wizards only because Gil and Tough Juice were injured. What do you think would have happened if a healthy Wizards team had faced the Cavs sans LeBron and Ilgauskas? Sweep, and Gil would have spend the last half of the fourth game breakdancing at center court and trying to steal G-Wiz's trampoline. So don't get a swelled head, "Dan Chaon's son."
"I'll tell you something," my friend Peggy says. "I don't think it's possible for Cleveland to win anything. Ever."
This is the only genuinely perceptive statement in the whole article.
Down the block from me, a church advertises its sermon: "How We Play the Game Really Does Matter!" And maybe that will be true. But then I see my son and his friends, avidly reading stats and comparing notes on players, all of them wearing that T-shirt with the Cav's Psalm-like motto: "Rise Up!" All of them waiting ardently, eagerly -- as if their hearts can never be broken.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Spurs in four. Everybody better go to church.
In case Cleveland fans get bored at halftime tonight, I recommend they watch this to buck up their spirits:
--posted by intern Rex Immensae Majestatis Chapman
