Tuesday, April 24, 2007
We are the hollow men We are the stuffed men Leaning together Headpiece filled with straw. Alas! Our dried voices, when We whisper together Are quiet and meaningless As wind in dry grass Or rats' feet over broken glass In our dry cellar ....... Between the desire And the spasm Between the potency And the existence Between the essence And the descent Falls the Shadow...
This is the way the world ends Not with a bang but a whimper.
-The Hollow Men, T.S. Eliot
They sat together in the empty diner filled with cracked china Old news was blowing across the filthy floor and the sign on the door read "this way out", that's all it read that's all it said
-Abandoned Luncheonette, Hall & Oates
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Game One is in the books, which means its time for our traditional:
2007 WIZARDS PLAYOFF PREVIEW!!!!!
No sooner had LORD HAVISHAM dusted off the victory cake, than NBA ANALISTS handed the Wizards a frank diagnosis: ITS TERMINAL!
Team is told : "Youve got one week to live" Andray Blatche takes up smoking, maxes out Best Buy credit card, implores Susan OMalley: 'I dont want to die a virgin"
The team has all the momentum of a hippopotamus pregancy. They are like a dying tauntaun, we can just hope to climb into its warm carcass and wait out the endlessly bitter Hoth night!!! Even the SUpreme COurt starts trash talkin; : "no late-term abortions playing in my house!!".
Some people hold out hope!
They say: "The Wiz will play loose and confident because like dying folks the WIz have nothing to lose!"
Yes they do have something to lose! They have their lives to lose and they will be losing them much faster and with more hurting than most people! They have games to lose! 4 games! And also some of the players might lose their jobs.
What they SHOULD say is "Wiz have nothing to win!"
Its not about dying with dignity. In fact, the only thing we have left is the power of dying WITHOUT dignity. Wiz goal should be to die the least dignified death ever died. They need to lose these games so dreadfully, so painfully, and desperately, with moans and urine and loud cursing, so that Cleveland will turn their eyes away, and be filled with a deep guilt and species shame and be so sickened and horrified to see fellow ballers suffering so that it will snuff out all joy and competitive fire forever and cleveland will be forever stained and stumbling with the pointless, lost gait of a man who has seen another mans, and therefore all men's, ultimate ruin.
Playoff Bacon: Hi-Lites from a Salty April and May
THE 2K7 BREAKDOWN
BACKCOURT
DeShawn Stevenson is one of Washingtons better defenders. Which means he doesnt actually cry when he gives up an easy bucket. When he is on, he is a threat to score from anywhere on the court. Known for his signature call : "I Cant Feel My Face!" which has proven much more popular with the fans that Jahidi White's old motto "I Can Feel Your Thighs But The Judge Says I Can't"
Antonio Daniels: With Agent Zero on the campaign trail, the team is counting on 'The Brown Hornet' to pick up the SWAG. Daniels attacks the rim with the reckless gusto and long odds of an elderly mans sperm!!
Larry Hughes: COld Mountain is something of a mystery. He plays both ends of the floor: paycheck-to-paycheck. Hes a cool as a shoplifter. He never sweats, but only because he has his NBA per diem stuffed down the front of his shorts
Sasha Pavlovic is a very popular meringue cake in the australian suburbs!
FRONT COURT
LeBron James:
As we like 2 say: LeBron James is a nice face for the NBA, especially if the NBA is about to cry!
Lebron is many things: A Pirate Queen, a marketing host cell, an Applebees Objectivist, a scowling nail biter, Americas bloated spiritual corpse, a bull moose, a suburbo-corporate muse, a child monomanic, and above all, a bully.
He displays the dim posturing of someone who knows only their own strength. Like a comic book hero, the King James legend is paper thin and its ink has barely dried and rubs off on yo fingers.
Antwan Jamison is everyman's dream: the prettiest and easiest girl at the dance! And keep an eye on his playoff eyebrows!
Jarvis Hayes: with Caron and Gil sidelined, guys like COnstable Hayes have to step in and produce. Alas, as a subsititute Wizard, Hayes is as bonafide asHarry Potter and The Golden Turtle!!
Zydrunas Ilgauskas is a special player. You can hardly notice his prosthetic leg!
Drew Gooden is a fat mans Juwan Howard. He has been sporting a duck tail hairdo in honor of National Vagina Awarness Month.
THE BENCH
Cleveland: Aka the Slow Twitch AllStars.
Eric SNow: still round, still choclately, still delcious!
Ira Newble: runs a brisk trade at his family's diamond district jewelry shop. Yet still wont sell Eric a ring!
Scott Pollard and Lady Vanderson: U think having a special hairstyle shows the world you are inconclastic that u have flair, and are unique free spirits. 5 WORDS for you: David Schwimmer watches 'The Apprentice'
DOnyell Marshall: the baritone baseliner. I like DOnyell, but the CGI effects are so obvious when u watch on hi-def. You can totally see the pixels.
DC: Cleveland bench is thin on bigs. Washingtons bench is big on thins! The DC bench is like the 5th child, the wonky accident baby, who was pretty much left to be raised by his older siblings. And the suddenly the parents are like, "Hey, whatsyourname? Can you drive a car yet?" Watching this second unit launch up shots is like a John Woo movie: a complex choregoraphy of missed shots recorded from every conceivable angle. Balls be bouncin off tha glass like a koked up kangaroo in a penthouse.
THE INTANGIBLES Wiz got this wrapped up. Sez Michael Ruffin:
"I dont worry too much about that. Im very tangible. SO was my dad. I come from a real long line of tangibles."
EXTRA CREDIT QUESTION:
On his blog, after announcing his presidential candidacy, Agent Zero dropped the following tease like he was jared jeffries tossing fresh chum into the anacostia river on his annual fishing trip:
Big Announcement And I got a big, big, big announcement to make in a couple days. A real big one. To me, it’s really that big. It might be Saturday or Sunday, it might be the first home game here in Washington. It’s big. It’s good, oh man.
Here’s a hint: there’s going to be four million of them. That’s the only hint I can give you.
4 million WHAT!!???????
Is Gil gonna hand out $40,000 worth of newly minted Black Presidential pennies? Did a crate of Nigerian election ballots fall of a truck? Has he scored some cheap Oxycontin at the police auction? Is he importing cane toads?? Is he going to offer ownership shares in the Lightening Jack remake ?????
Get on those comments a give us your predictions!!!
In the words of the bard Buckhantz, "An injustice anywhere is a backbreaker everywhere." Even with our recent misfortune, harmony still reigns -- Kindly Antawn, Hobo Cal, Beetle-Browed Eddie Jordan.
But a foul wind blows off the Cuyahoga. Disturbing rumbles have been belching forth from Cleveland for some time now: Larry Hughes's missing smile; the inexplicable suppression of Ira Newble; Eric Snow.
Too long have we stood silent, allowing the questions to remain unasked, the answers to lurk behind a veil of Pussycat Doll interstitials. But though my tongue is little more than a blackened slug, more adept for producing pus then words -- nevertheless, I must speak! Mine eyes hath seen this before, y mine eyes willath see 'tagain: The Cherokee Trail of Tears; the Bataan Death March; the Island of Dr. Moreau; the Cavs 2007 playoff run.
We are all witnesses, yes -- witnesses to a cruel, repressive regime, a technofascist police state that will stop at nothing in its frantic, hubristic quest for domination. Suddenly it all makes sense! The sleepy, narcotized gazes of once-proud Donyell Marshall, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, and David Wesley -- the squeaky wheel gets the lobotomy. The floppy flailings of Anderson Varejao -- clearly a Frankensteinian experiment gone horribly awry. And poor Ira Newble, an innocent victim of rampant anti-Semitism.
Blame not LeBron! This "King James" is nothing but a puppet prince, a billboard figurehead. Like China's Last Emperor, he is an innocent child shielded from the crumbling realities, a baby-faced opiate for the gullible masses, with only his wet nurse Maverick Carter for comfort. LeBron knows nothing of the suffering beyond his palace walls.
Nay, the blame lays with Cavaliers' owner Daniel Gilbert, a spunky blend of Kim Jong Il, Saparmurat Niyazov, Idi Amin, and J Edgar Hoover. Or is there a force even above him -- perhaps even the mossy, mottled she-succubus herself?
Our recent troubles are nothing compared to the sufferings of these boys in beige. Like the Lincoln Brigade fighting for our Spanish brothers, we must hear and heed the call of duty, of dignity, of freedom. It won't be easy -- it might be ugly -- it'll probably last only four games -- but we have no choice. We are summoned. Onwards, my syphilitic hordes! Our faces will be unfelt, our nuts will sit unharvested, and the child Andray shall lead us to glory.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Our Interns are canvassing downtown Cleveland for exclusive scoops (Did you know CLeveland has no Asian people?? tru fact, look it up)
-PDiddy is hosting a fundraiser next weekend at the Baileys Crossraods ARbys. $6,000 a head buys you VIP seating, the "HANG TIME SEASON 1" DVD, and bottomless tax-deductible jamocha shakes!!
-ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT FOILED! SOmeone tampered with Gilberts Bidet!! Luckily Gil was clear of the blast and when he saw the flames, yelled "HIBACHI!", called security, and cooked them breakfast right over the deadly can!!
-Secret Service detail appointed to protect Awvee Storey!!! Do you know what the Secret Service code name is for Awvee??? Hop on the comments board and tell us!!!
-Gilbert moves into Barack Obamas SoHo Island in online universe of 'Second Life' Builds glass gymnasium, unicorn zoo, retires to virtual couch!
-Claim by former college roomate that Gilbert "used cheat codes" dismissed as "politcally motivated"
-Arsenio Hall invites Gilbert to play the Saxaphone on his show!
-In a move to consolidate power, AGENT "00" aka Weng Weng is appointed head of the FBI. Opens "Un-American Activities" file on Mike Krzyzewski!
-Jerry Stackhouse books 8-day sleepover in Lincoln Bedroom!
-Black Presidents vow to balance budget by dissolving the military, replacing it with a spartan army of the countrys finest 300 soldiers!
- Gil takes 'Vagina Power' host Alexyss Tylor out for a $2.99 plate of shrimp at Long John Silvers, gets prayed up, offers her position of US Surgeon General!
When he asks her about how he can improve his defense, she advises:
"with a penis all up in your vagina, man you dont have no defenses!"
-August Strindberg scores book deal to write sequel to Fear And Loathing On the Campaign Trail, and a whole spin-off line of "Fear and Loathing" books, loads up Cadillac with hay, absynthe, ether and angst.
VOTE FOR THE BLACK PRESIDENTS!!
Stuff the ballot box next November! U know Gilbert will be!
What was Etan doing in an Outback Steakhouse? Was he advocating equal pay for the aboriginal crouton chefs? Or was he taking advantage of the bonus per diem that Wiz players receive in exchange for Ernie Grunfeld chartering Outback's "BLOOMIN ONION 1" airship to fly in coveted free agents?
For Gilbert losing the ability to run is just uncruel and unnatural, like pushing a waxed wombat down a slide. He cant bare it. Just lying there in the dark, listening to the gentle and pitiless lapping of the bidet, feeding the steady gurgle of visions in his mind. The worlds greatest dreams often begin at the lip of a fountain, as do its greatest nightmares...
We are worried about what this isolation will do to Gil. We see 3 possibilities:
1. Gilbert loses all passion for the gaame and descends into deep spiral of depression that ends in a all-points bulletin involving Arenas, his half-brother Blue, a shipment of soviet-era ham and a Tampa-area Blimpies.
2. Gilbert summons all his inner drive and recommits himself even further to the game he loves.
3. Gilbert finds Jesus.
"Dear Lord. I know I havent slept in 5 days. But I knew when I saw David Duchovneys naked ass on "The Rapture" DVD last night that it was a sign. My health is low. I am out of ammo. If you stand with me at this time of need and help me defeat the Final Boss and get through to the next level I promise you I will dedicate my life to spreading the word."
Gilbert is forever changed. He renounces all his swag. He forgives all snubs. He abolishes all locker room area codes. He plays Gospel Gangstaz songs on his MySpace page. He becomes a faith healer, emboldened by a pair of unlikely miracles:
-He lends Peter John Ramos' mother-in-law some Bonds medicated powder and cures her athelete's foot.
America may be ready for a black president, but is it ready for TWO?
Well we are, and we got the freshest new all-american black power SWAG to prove it!
Its the political seasons hottest Beltway insider fashion!!! All the movers and shakers are scooping these up! Even Mitt Romney, he stashes his rollies and child porn under it!
Show your support!!! Like the COnstitution says, there is no higher calling than representation, so represent, represent!!!!
Connie had been watching at home, in the den she and Wes watched the games in when the Wiz were on the road, wearing a cream-colored pantsuit that complemented the earth tones of the brown leather sofa and teak furniture. She had a glass of scotch in her right hand. It caught a glint of the light from the plasma screen, as did a gold bracelet she was wearing. In such a circumstance, the plan caved before her eyes.
She didn't bother calling; she knew Awvee would. Connie hadn't anticipated this, true, but she knew how to buy herself a little time to make it look like she had. She estimated she had just enough time to sigh, which she did. Then the little phone on the coffee table rang. She transferred the scotch to her left hand and flipped the phone open with her right.
"Ms. Unseld?" Awvee was breathless. "I'm so sorry. I broke it. I broke it. It burned up and I broke it. The statue. It burned up and I broke it."
"What happened, Awvee?" She managed to sound genuinely surprised at the catastrophe, without laying it on too thick.
"Ms. Unseld?" At least she had trained him well in how to address her. "I was minding the sphere and watching the bacon, but there was some fat dripping out and it pooled around the power cord. But I didn't see it. Then I guess the sphere got hot and the fat lit on fire and I threw water on it but the fire got bigger." Because it had burned through the casing on the cord, Connie thought. "Then I went and got the fire extinguisher, but when I shot it at the sphere, it knocked the sphere over and now the sphere's broken."
"I see, Awvee." As banal as expected. When Arenas had gone down, she had felt a giant shock run down her spine, one that made her stiffen and straighten up on the couch, that seemed to make her nerves tingle; then the electricity went away just as quickly, and she felt weary and vaguely anxious in a composed way, just as she had before the injury. Why wasn't Wes here? She could feel things when Wes was with her. Instead, she was talking to this very dedicated moron who had done her bidding for the past six months for a pittance.
"Ms. Unseld?" Here was the pleading. "Will you still pay for the apartment?"
"Of course. But there's nothing we can do for Gilbert now. We have to direct our attentions elsewhere. We were making Gil better to make the Wizards better. There are still things we can do to make the Wizards better."
"Okay."
"Is the fire out?"
"Yes. Everything's covered in dust from the extinguisher." Awvee had made sure to buy a C-rated extinguisher, just as she had insisted. He was dumb, but he was smart enough to know to follow orders. There were far words kinds of dumbness loose in the world.
Wes was at Verizon, doubtless in Mr. Pollin's suite. She could almost hear them consoling each other right now. Connie sipped from the glass. "Awvee, clean everything up, first of all. Then get a night's sleep. I'll call you tomorrow."
"Yes yes okay Mrs. Unseld."
"Goodbye, Awvee."
"Okay."
She flipped the phone closed and set it down on the coffee table. She sighed again. On the screen, tall men in bright baggy clothes ran around chasing an orange ball.
*
She braced herself for the greeting she knew she would hear, whether the man picked up or the voicemail message played. It was a greeting that, in its cheerfulness, obliviousness and fatuity, summarized the man precisely.
He did, in fact, pick up. "Hello, I'm Mike Wise!"
"This is Connie Unseld, Mr. Wise. Wes's wife. We've met before."
"Yes! Sure! I'm Mike Wise!"
"Mr. Wise, I've come into possession of some information regarding the fact that DeShawn Stevenson can't feel his face."
"Hey! That's big news!"
"Yes. It may be traceable to a substance, called 'Mister Fifty' in the trade, that makes the basket look as big as a hula hoop. Optical distortion that nonetheless results in deadeye accuracy in shooting. Of course, there are side effects, such as a temporary craniofacial numbness."
"Cranofacial numbness?"
"In layman's terms, he can't feel his face."
"I see!" Then, in a lower voice: "Note to Mike Wise: Look up big words later!"
Connie paused for a second to gather herself. "Look, I know you're the Post's top investigative sports journalist."
"Yes!"
"What we need to do is establish a control situation. Stevenson apparently intakes Mister Fifty through specially treated bottles of Vitamin Water. What we need to do is to supply Stevenson with unadulterated bottles of the water, then see if he plays any differently. With luck, his play will stay the same, or improve" - Connie allowed herself a little smile here - "and there's no story. But if he plays worse, we'll know he had been using the drug. You see?"
"Sure!"
"The advantage to this for you," she said, bringing the discussion where she knew it needed to go, "is that you merely have to observe DeShawn before determining whether you need to undertake a full-scale investigation. This could save you valuable time that you can use to craft new catchy phrases in your columns, or bumrush the stage at charity events, or all of the other important, meaningful things with which you fill up your life."
"Indeed! Yes!"
"If you're free Tuesday morning at 10 am, you can meet Awvee Storey at the loading dock at Verizon. He'll have a pallet full of unadulterated Vitamin Water for Stevenson. You and he can go to the locker room, and Awvee can substitute the new Vitamin Water."
"Sounds good!"
"Let me know if this poses any difficulties. I am happy to help."
"Okay!"
And then Wise ended the call, secure in the blithe assumption that everyone sat around all day waiting to give him things or let him into places. Connie shook her head. She had one man she liked - Awvee wasn't a bad man at all, regardless of how incompetent he often was - and one she didn't doing her work for her. That was the safe way to do things.
Wes was now meeting with Mr. Pollin at the Palm, the two sharing big slabs of ribeye, Wes doubtless trowelling on horseradish as if the Palm had secured the last supply of horseradish in the Western world. Connie was nibbling at a salad in the kitchen of the home she and Wes shared. The big windows facing west were flooded with light as the late afternoon blazed before the inevitable slip into the blue evening.
--posted by intern Rex Immensae Majestatis Chapman
More of those lineup tshirts u say?! When we hear "Jump the Shark" we say "HOW HI FONZEE???!!!"
Personally we know the 98 Bullets Bench is the best college team ever. We just want to take cash from the DUke endowment. We love the nostalgic and the well endowed! We love u Garrison keilor!
All proceeds go to the non-profit group:
THE COMMITTEE TO OUT CHRISTIAN LAETNER
SOme really sweet new MOHUT spring shirts coming soon!!!
Thursday, April 12, 2007
By now u may have seen the video greatness on Da Bog, Mister Irrelevant, and FanHouse but if not feast your bacon gazers on this:
Two things go 'HEY... HO...' in my dome:
ONE Riming "HOTTA" and "GUGLIOTTA" is Serious Business skillz. I mean what else can u rime with GUGLIOTTA?
"Draft Fodda"? "Hotel Butta"?
If you got one 4 us, drop it like its hot in the comments box!
TWO Sister Christian rapping in a dark mustard turtleneck! MY OTHER TURTLENECK IS A FORESKIN!
I loved how in early 90s french mustard was such a popular color with playas and hustlers. Gs always seemed to be wearing pleated french mustard silk suits. Rod Strickland did. But thats just so when he guzzled half smokes he didnt have to worry about the mustard stainz!
Like Lawrence Franks first girlfriend, the team is just trying to get over the hump!
But its fun seeing springs first young, learning how to fly. People are talking with hop about how DSong "sees the court" and how Etan 'Grand Mal' Thomas is "a force in the paint" and how Jarvis Hayes is "realizing his potential". It reminds us of the glorious days of Scott Lynns late 90s call-in postgame show, when folks be talking about how Tracy Murray just needs more minutes and Calbert Cheaney showed "fire" and Dana had a different man every night. This kind of talking is the OPTIMISTIC DEMENTIA that happens to THE LONG SUFFERING. Like when people say:
"Im glad i got cancer, it made me appreciate life!" or "Im not going to be delivering Papa Johns forever, Im just one audtion away from the big break!" or "Hip Hop is revolutionary music" or when your son hasnt learned to talk and just stares at the roof all day and as you wipe the drool of his 9 year old face, you announce: "Hes always looking up. Our boy is going to be an astronaut!"
Just a couple days ago the Penny Dreadfuls were chockity chocko with Petit-bourgeois analists stoking smithy's fires of woe and grief. Though seeing this photo of the Slack Pack:
did move my loins - hey FATHEAD can u make me a vinyl wall sticker of these squatters?? Awesome suit Ghitza... something tells me that 9XL Captain Stubing number wasnt off da rack!
Wilbon brought up the possibility of a CURSE. Yes we have had our share of curses, as we have talked about before. And we have flown too close to the sun before. And you know our motto here at wizznutzz wheaton Bureau: "The story of Washington basketball is the story of overcoming odds. But mostly is the story of not overcoming odds." Yes things were sure sad. August Strindberg's Hungarian Suicide Song ringtone seemed somehow shriller than usual. The wiz were suddenly staring down more barrels than Breaker Morant. But a wind of hope has blown through the room with a salty warmth, saltier and warmer than the time Gil shoved a slab of smoked bacon up the locker hand drier. Suddenly Lots of people have good positive attitudes about the Wizards Playoff picture and its new slogan: "The Producers! Now Starring Dolph Sweet Jr. and Brian Austin Green!"
ITS A NEW DAY, THE SUN RISES AGAIN ON MIDDLE-OF-THE-ALPHABET STREET, DARIUS SONGALIA MILKS HIS GOAT, LIFE GOES ON...
FIRST Gil had successful surgery and wrote about it on his blog and on his even more amazing other blog and seems to be in good spirits even though the doctors wouldnt let him control the orthroscopic camera with his HALO paddle. After some rehabbing with a shirtless Eddie Jordan on his moon-bounce G-Trainer treadmill, all the Final Boss guys came by to sign his cast, and Gil got up to lots of pranks to relieve the tension, clownin with the inpatients like it was scenes from the Fat Boys movie 'Disorderlies' that he made Mike Hall go and get from Best Buy.
Gil put ice in bedpans, had wheel chair races, walked around with his hospital gown open at the front, spoke like he wuz a pirate, called his own cellphone and said "Gilbert its me, theres been a terrible accident!", wrote "cut me off" on an unconscious ladys arm, wrote "Lesbian Money" on dollar bills, replaced seizure medication with candy Runts, convinced Awvee Storey to donate a kidney, and smothered James Lang with a pillow!
[timeout: who is telling phil mickelson to wear those silky synthetic tshirts with the super-tight collars? PMix looks like a Manatee that got entangled in a discarded Hefty bag! AND Hey Josh Boone, Cypress Hill wants their ugly white guy back!]
Gilbert doesnt waste any time and on his website invites people to submit "CHALLENGE VIDEOS" showing in 30 seconds or less something they can do thats amazing and unique. The winners get free swag! Gil sets an age limit of under 25 so he cant stuff the entry box with his own videos, but Andray Blatche has already sent in a video that shows him bobbing for pancakes in the bath!
SECOND Beloved Agent Steinz raised the mood roof two of his sweetest posts in a season of posts so sweet it has been like if they wrote the Bible with Lik-m-Aid.
If you r a discouraged millionaire, hanging out with poor folks is such a great pick me up! Thats why Rod STricklnd only travels by bus! Laughter is the best medicine, except it your real poor then medicine is the best medicine!
What a day it was:
-Under the cruel gaze of basketball media, Calvin Booth is usually dismissed as a 'poor man's Kevin Willis' but in the thankful eyes of the less fortunate he got to just be a 'poor mans Calvin Booth'!!
-"Then came Mike Hall, with the dinner rolls." It is not only greatest sentence ever, it is also the title of the new Raymond Carver anthology!
-Susan OMalleys sister Kathy dresses the whole family in Mothering Hut sweats!!!! -Susan OMalley danced! GWiz danced! Steinz why the hell is there no video?????? Stitch those clips together with some livestock safety footage, an Eastern Motors commercial and the last 20 minutes of the Russian dub of 'Jack Frost' and youve basically got "WIZZNUTZZ: THE MOVIE"!!!!
-"Then some kids who called themselves SB, Serious Business, came out and performed three raps, all of which involved the Pollins. Like the first lyric of the first rap started thus: "Yeah, yeah, They say Abe Pollin is such a sensation...."
Got to give big props to SB.. they must be geniuses rappers because we all know there are only 3 words that rhyme with 'POLLIN". One of them is "Josh Brolin' and the othertwo are stenciled on Abe's medical alert braclet!!!!
-Steinz tries to stir a George Folenzbee Babbitt moment out of Mike Ruffin but to no availz:
"I typically don't get depressed"
-Drey Blatche hits on teenage girls, offering to be their prom date. "I bet your boyfriend's dont have one of these" says AB showing off his bullet scar. But a member of Serious Business quipped back "Yeah maybe, but we dont wear braces either!" The Andray "made it rain" with brocolli and headed for VIP!!
THEN STEINZ HAS A SIT DOWN DOWN WITH BILL WALTON, it was like an xtra genius, xtra pale episode of that PBS show ICONOCLASTS!!!!
Bill Walton talks about how Gil is a real gone cat and how he loved the TAkeover and having jenuwine japes back in the association.
Then he talked about LEGACY. Be careful Bill, legacy isnt always when you think it will be once father time has climbed into bed next to it with scotch on his breath. Ayn Rand had hiNRG ideas about the Legacy of Objectivism, and sure its legacy can be found everywhere, but mostly inside the Applebees on Rockville Pike!!
Then Bill quotes the Machosensual gay militia-porn film "300":
You have to learn how "TO FIGHT IN THE SHADE!!!"
at which point Mike Ruffin stuck his head in a said, "Hey weird, ive got that same slogan engraved on my squirrel knife!"
Then the most moving of things happens. Eddie ""COld" Jordan walks up with his little son, Jackson Von Jordan, and comes up to Bill so his son can meet a legend, and Grateful Red leans down to Jacksons close and fills him with such young pride, spinning kind lies about how his Dad is the greatest coach in the NBA and once upon a time was the greatest player ever and invented dogs and all us old timers sit back and beam and think what goodness there is in the world and what a grand gesture, the young man must be proud and what an impression he will have for rest of his days, while in Jackson Von's small frightened mind he comes away only remembering a terrifying craggy white kaleidoscopic giant who is like a freaky extra from a Roald Dahl book that shall drive him in his older days to write Sadcore poetry about the fundamental cruelty of the natural world and to the sci-fi Karate-intensive fringes of the Nation of Islam.
THIRD Tuff Juice isnt going gently into the good night either! He sets up registration for
Carons Camp has the "THREE Ds" : Determination! Drive! Deer Urine! When a kid spends summer at Camp Caron they get memories, and skin conditions that last a lifetime! Expect all the japes of normal camping: SNipe hunts that end in gunfire, swapping Nair into the Nubian SIlk, scary campfire stories about the couple that found Marv Alberts bloody toupe in the back seat of their Lexus, and moonlight sneaking out to swim across the lake to the Alana Beard Camp only to to discover the girls already makin out with themselves!!!
FOURTH and perhaps most amazingly Wizards Dancer and wizznutzz MYSPACE FRIEND 'CECILIA' post a pick-me-up quote of inspiration on her bio page, and the quote is by August Strindbergs myspace friend: SOREN KIERKEGARD!!!!! "To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself." - S. Kierkegaard
Now motivating quotes are common on dancer pages, but usually they are from books like Marley And Me, or Tony Robbins bestseller "I Eat The Hearts of Fat Children For Breakfast!" or from that bane of girl's high-school yearbooks everywhere: Khalil Gibran (Eurobasketcom webmaster 1883-1931)
But Kierkegaard?!?!?!?! Maybe she picked up SoreK habit from Coach Lynams days, when he would write
This is what is sad when one contemplates human life, that so many live out their lives in quiet lostness . . . they live, as it were, away from themselves and vanish like shadows. Their immortal souls are blown away, and they are not disquieted by the question of its immortality, because they are already disintegrated before they die.
FINALLY... EVEN INTERN AUGUST STRINDBERG IS FEELING LIGHTER IN THE BURLAP!!!!
Straight Outta Norra Begravningsplatsen!!!
Some might think me an unhappy man. And it is true, just three days ago the caverns of Wizznutzz echoed with my despairing yowls -- much talk of cruel fate and pickling brine and wallowing in mine own feces and whatnot. The she-succubus had clenched her loins once again, and prickly darkness was closing in.
But suddenly a spark of light appeared in the fleshy night! And then a trembling fissure spiderwebbed its way down the dank walls! And then a gust of sweet wind blew forth, and my tongue wriggled with the taste of strawberries, and I found myself on a great green hill, back in Norra Begravningsplatsen, but the Norra Begravningsplatsen of my youth, before the decay and gonorrhea, and sheep were frolicking about and I was frolicking with them -- not the frolick of ignorant youth, but the frolick of a man who finally knows his confines, and thus his freedoms as well. Our fate is sealed, brothers -- but the rest is ours.
Onwards, Deshawn -- feel not your face! Onwards, Brown Hornet -- you know how to tie a necktie! Let Etan and Brendan embrace, let Ruffin set his reptiles free, let a thousand Blatches bloom!
And what broke me from my dank prison? Who was my guide into the light? In truth, there were two: Agent Steinz and Master Walton. Says Steinz: Smile. Says Walton: Fight in the shade. Says I: yes yes and yes!
Our thoughts of course turn to mighty Sisyphus. Says Brother Camus: His fate belongs to him. His rock is his thing. There is no sun without shadow, and it is essential to know the night. The absurd man says yes and his effort will henceforth be unceasing. He knows himself to be the master of his days, a blind man eager to see who knows that the night has no end, he is still on the go. The rock is still rolling. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man's heart.
My overcoat is as soiled as ever...but somehow the soilage is a sort of perfume. They can take it all away -- but they can never take this.
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Agent Zero is off the court and under the knoife! lets hope the doctor does better work than Bernie Bickerstaff's plastic surgeon!
WE JUST GOT OFF IMing With Elisabeth Kubler-Ross!
She is a grief expert, who wrote bestseller:
"I Ate Your Cheese: Get Over It"
She tells us that there are 5 stages of grief, all of which are taking place right now in one giant cathartic game of soggy, angry biscuit over at IVAN "Tha Terrible" CARTER'S BLOG!!!
Especially "BARGAINING WITH THE VOICES IN YOUR LUNCHBOX" STAGE:
-We will see if the Wiz can summon that inner warrior cause it is going to be a dog fight from here on out!
-This could be a blessing in disguise. Now Mike Hall and D. Taylor can get some valuable minutes.
-The talent is there they have to believe in themselves and demonstrate why they are in the NBA.
YES we are in trouble and face hard times. Yes Coach Jordan has more challenges ahead than a Family Ties head writer when Alex "Went to College" and he had to write 6 episodes worth of Tina Yother's plots!
BUT now is not time to freaking ouit, going all ROY SCHEIDER, trying to shut down the summer fun just cuz someone found a human foot in a sand castle!!!
How do we feel?? We are sad but we are alive! We will take some time to gather incites around us like stray cats gather around Jim Lynam while he sleeps one off on his back patio, and anyways we have to rush out right now to help with closed-grid search and rescue sweep for Unsilent Majority in AnnArundel backwoods, but if you want to know if we have given up hope then just take one look at this picture!!! Its says a thousand words! And one of them is DESTINY! (ANother three of them are "VIRGINS IN SEVEN!"!!!)
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
MOTHERING HUT FASHIONS MAKE IT TO PRIME TIME!!!!
Its not as exciting as when cast of Dallas Reunion show all wore Pervis Ellison jerseys (We LUV u in retired mesh Char Tilt!!!) but still big news!!!
If you have been living under under a rock, then you have definitely seen "BLOG SHOW", starring Jamie Mottram of 'Cold Pizza' and Dan Steinberg of 'Hot Pocket'!!!
Its is part of Comcasts Washington Posts LIve brought to u by the Professionals Professional, Russ Thaler ladies and gentleman, who boasts 3 certifcates of completion from The Chad Bixby School of Cable Broadcastng!!!!!
AT first I thought it was a weird IDea:
like Charlie Mingus famously said,
"hosting a TV show about blogging is like LM(F)AO about Architecture"!!!!!
But "Blog TV" is more infectious than the SARS Express!!!! WE love the bell! "Everytime a Bell rings a blogger gets undressed in the dark!"
BUT EVEN THIS FINE NEWZ CAN NOT LIFT THE MOODS OF WIZZNUTZZ INTERN AUGUST STRINDBERG (1849 - 1912)!!!!
Straight Outta Norra Begravningsplatsen!!!
My overcoat cannot contain soilage of this volume; the sludge of disappointment, regret, and my own man-waste bubbles upwards, frothing about my upturned collar. The shrieks of the succubus...--ah, why even continue?
I should have known. No juice is tuffer than the fresh-squeezed brine of inevitable defeat. And that is the brine in which we shall pickle for the next six months, until fruitless hope worms up its bare Ruffinian head once again next October. ...But until then we have two more weeks of futile spasming, like a still-beating heart torn from a disbelieving man-breast.
Brothers Ike, Duck, and Pervis, soon I shall rejoin ye in Hades.
Tuff Juice breaks hand, breaks hearts! Tha MOD SQUAD hasnt been threatened like this since EPisode 86:
"Suffering from amnesia after getting mugged, Linc wanders the city, unsure as to whether or not he is the escaped mental patient he reads about in a newspaper." SOunds like Wes Unselds recruiting 1998 recruiting strategy!
WIZ R IN BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINATOWN They will have to rely now on Agent Zeros streaky combat and COach Jordans "Keys To SUccess" which he unfortunately keeps in something equally streaky: a Peter Ramos replica Brief Safe!
Is it fate? Is a Curse? Michael Ray Richardson blames that crafty jew Ruben Patterson:
Butler broke his hand while attempting to block a dunk by Ruben Patterson. It was the second time this season that a Wizard was injured when coming in close proximity with Patterson. Arenas injured his right shoulder in a collision with Patterson on Dec. 30. "He's just a rock down there," Arenas said. "He didn't even hit nobody and he broke somebody's hand." .
Who can replace Tuff Juice? ??????
Darius SOngalia???
When it comes to replacing Caron Butler, Darius SOngalia is like Nicole Kidmans forehead: lacking color and rebound!
Maybe BDong can summon the racist pride of his homeland, as seen in this plastic theatre of cruelty:
and his Marijampole COat of Arms
Hi atop his white steed, spearing the dreaded BLACK HUSSAR who symbolizez the hard-working vibrant Somali immigrant interfering with Lithuanias slow determined slide into bleak obsolesence!!
Or IS THE SAVIOR CALVIN BOOTH aka "THA UNDERTAKA"???
Lets hope no. COach Jordan said of Caron:
"You know, you walk down a dark alley, you've got a tough guy with you, you feel tough, too."
Well walking down an alley with Calvin Booth is like walking down the alley with drunk lottery winner Jack Whittaker !!
SPeaking of CALVIN BOOTH, WIzznutzz have unearthed a monumental piece of Cal Booth cinema verite!!!!
It doesnt quite have the naked Brechtian nuance of Jaarkos farewell tribute to Jahidi WHite Honesty, Friendship, Moomintrolls! "Disturbing" is Finnish for "We Love You!"
Here is story. The man of this website went to College at Penn State and every morning in his dorm bathroom would unfold a drama of naked ambitions and naked roommates, a bald african, a fat guy on a toilet, much angry grooming and an "alarmingly-skinny 6'11" center from the basketball team. (He) Was pigeon-toed and always wore a facial expression suggesting that he was in physical pain. Carried an over-the-shoulder bag that looked like it would pull him to the ground at any moment."
That alarmingly-skinny annd pained center? You guess it!
