Monday, February 26, 2007
Its late FEB and the Wizards are moonstruck, up and down like PJ Ramos twin 7 foot sisters LaSturm and DeDrang gettin shilly-shally on a catholic skool seesaw.
We can but draw our fories over our eyes and wait for the return of ANtawn, "the mothergoose with the eggs that seem to be fallin, fallin, fallin..."
This was supposed to a chance for someone off the bench to step it up most definitely:
But Jarvis is still bringing a COnstables cudgel to a gunfight.
Etan's got buck fever, frozen in his tracks like Sylvia Plath by the hors devours tray at a North jersey funeral home.
DSOng is "getting his legs back" but looks like he's been gettin em back trying to outrun garden sprinklers
And Drey Blatche looks like an emu in a bush fire! We call Blatche "409" cuz of his shooting percentage and streak-free shine. DRe, its one thing to be up for a game, and another to be popping Enzyte like they wus Rolos.
Meantime Gilbert gets uncorked quicker than a magnum of Korbel at Calbert Cheaney's 25th Birthday spoectacular.
Agent Zero is the millennium's first true GONZO ATHLETE!!! Cuz with Gil its all personal, all absurd, all style over accuracy.
Like Hunter S sez:
The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.
And When Agent Zero goes out, hes gonna go out grand, like Hunter S: gonna have his ashes blasted over a tray of Montgomery Donuts!
Luckily there has been plenty offcourt japes to keep us glued to the Wheaton plaza public TV:
1. PAC MAN JONES bites, shames, and shoots his way through the Hieronymus Bosch Gentlemans Club. It all started when Pacman threw thousands of singles into the air for the "Make It Rain" effect. Dear Pacman: SIngles in strip clubs r like Scoobie Snacks. Treat them with respect! Shaggy always knew he had be careful doling out the greenies to Scoob in small doses, just enough to maintain the auditory hallucinations but not so many as to trigger the violent crystal rage! WHole thing is sorry, but also reminds me of time Rod "Dig Dug" Strickland and Chico DeBarge threw a large bag of Pepporoni discs at naked dancers to create "Make It Salty" effect!
2. TRADING DEADLINE PASSES Juan Dixon moved yet again, admits "It's part of the business" and "I like taking physicals!" Multi-team trade involving Brian Cardinal, Conrad Bain, a vinyl tub of broken Lik-m-Aid stix, and a soiled pair of Braggin Dragon tennis shorts was nixed since no one wanted to take on Conrad Bain's heavy, backloaded, expiring life.
3. WIZZNUTZZ.COM DISCOVER YOURNUTZ.COM, discover its founder "David" HAM, discover GOD, discover what became of that mold of Ike Austins testicles we sold on eBay!
4. AGENT ZERO PERFORMS BEST TRAMP JUMP SINCE RICK MAHORN APPEARED ON "CELEBRITY BUMFIGHTS 3"!!! Gil bravely endorses MAN-MASCOT rights : "Some of my best friends are mascots"
5. WIZARDS TATTOOS!
Best lockerroom negotiation since Jahidi traded Steve Blake to OTown for 2 carton of Kools and a Flash comic:
Hayes, Daniels and Haywood are of the mind that players should not get a tatoo of a nickname because when they get older it will look stupid.
"How's that gonna look when you're 45?" Daniels asked. Arenas wasn't in the conversation at the start but once he heard it, he had to chime in and as you would imagine, he had a different take. "What's wrong with Agent Zero?" Arenas asked. "Why can't I have that nickname forever, it's not a young name or anything." Daniels: "When you retire, people aren't going to call you Agent Zero, they're going to call you "Gilbert Arenas." (Haywood nods his head in agreement) Arenas: "Yes they will, a lot of guys are still called their nickname when they retire." Daniels: "Name one."
Well first of all I happen to know for fact they still call Doug Overton"Litter Trey" at my Blockbusters and Labradford Smith gets his fishing magazines under the legal name "Darkness At Noon".
Second of all, does this mean Gils getting an AGENT ZERO tattoo??? Gil it is only right that we get to ink u up - we are so good with branding iron that when we seared old Circuit City slogan ""Imagine That" on Ken Beatrices lower back he thought it was just burger smoke at Arbys!
And Third, Brendan Todd, you should talk. What u think those Eastern Motors ads are gonna age gracefully?
While in Las Vegas for All-Star Weekend, Jordan had the word "Passion" tattooed under an existing tattoo of a basketball. Jordan also has a tattoo of his wife's first name, Charisse, on his left breast and the names of his children, son Jackson and daughter Skyler, on his left arm. He got the tat right above the life-size one on Montell Jordan he has with giant wordz "Somethin' 4 Da Honeyz". This is what we luv about Coach. You dont see Scott "SHoutbox" Skiles getting a "Stout Bitch" or "Inflate Bladder to 300 Lbs" tattoo, or Jerry Sloan getting a "Fag Life" tat. Thats cuz Jordan isnt from the ball breakin coaching school, the football type plantation bosses, the monstres sacres. He doesnt believe in the obstinate, mulish, authoritarian foreman approach. Jordan aint the Jim Belushis "The Principal" hes more like "The RA", a playas coach. Hes havin some fun, trying to hang on to the Hi-NRGs of youth, keepin some flow, he looks at his team with wonders like he just set up his first bowl of Sea Monkeys!
6. THE BEAR V. CHEESEBOY On his radio show Tony Kornheiser opens a green eye from his bulbous orange face and goes SHOUTY CRACKERS on Agent Steinz for sneaking up on his Smaug-like pile of neurotic page 2 jewels. How envious and grabby can u be?? We know TK is territorial from the time he marked our booth at CLydes of Chevy Chase with his urine, but this sandbox panic has reached Salieri-esque levels, hes like an orange Othello, the Moor of Tenley!!! Page 2 is not your Karla Knafel TK!!!
TK thinks he is tha Yahweh of sports sarcasm: "I am Yahweh your God... You shall have no other gods before me. You shall not make for yourselves an idol, nor any image of anything that is in the heavens above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth: you shall not bow yourself down to them, nor serve them, for I, Yahweh your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, on the third and on the fourth generation of those who hate me, and showing loving kindness to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments." (Exodus 20:4-6)
Be very careful Tony, The bloggers will eat you, we r pack animals and will tire you out like angry Teletubbies swarming the majestic Barney, like CIndy Adams dogs will eat her corspe!!
7. SPEAKING OF AGENT STEINZ... So a few days ago the Bog announced an upcoming TV adventure with Mister Mottram on COmcast!!! Wizznutzz have been thinking long and firm about this TV show. In our hearts we imagine it as being just like CITY GUYS!!
We have some other suggestions to take to production meetings:
"THE BLOG POUND" Bloggers in special audience bleacher section making Arsenio Hall noises: "Whoop WHoop Whoop" , live-blogging the show, real-time loneliness!
WHEATON SKYLINE SET with real model trains and animatronic carjackings!
OFFICIAL SHOW BAND ARE REAL LIVE CHIMPANZEES! Led by bandleader Leonard Hamilton, who laughs loudly at steinz and jamie's lame jokes while his eyes betray the thousand-yard stare of an uncle tom's surrender!
UNSILENT MAJORITY IN THE GREEN ROOM BERATING GUESTS!!
GENE, GENE, GENE SHUE, DANCING MACHINE!, takes us to the break with his smooth buck n wing moves!!
THE "MASTURBATING BEAR" CHARACTER, BUT INSTEAD OF MAN IN A BEAR SUIT ITS JUST ARCH CAMPBELL!!!
ANIMAL EXPERTS! Animals are hilarious! But instead of "experts" have former DC athletes bring in dangerous animals!! Flloyd Rayford with his starving capuchin monkeys! Calbert CHeaney puts 3 african pelicans in a cage with a barking spider! Leslie Sheppherd's sand fleas!
MASCOT HIJINKS! Sure you can get Romanaian Muppets for a song, but We think the show should be structured more ambitious like Krofft Superstars variety hour!
But instead of Krofft chracacters, they use discontinued local mascots! And instead of funny hijinks, its brutal neo-realist docudramas:
-See UMD's JV Terrapin buy a nip of Wild Irish Rose from a College Park bodega at 10am! -Watch "Basket" bathe his grandmother! -See former DIPS mascot "Argey Bargey" appearing in costume at his child custody hearing! -Look, its"Dazz!" losing his pension in a web scam!
VIOLENCE! A regular bit featuring 2 bloggers pitted in a battle of pain and wits like in the SAW movies! Chain JE SKeets and WIll Leitch to a Green Turtle toilet, with nothing but a hacksaw, some tiger balm, New Orders "Blue Monday" and a lifesized Fathead vinyl wall sticker of a naked ANdrew Bynum!
SEX! The show should always end like they ended that NYC cable-access pornfest THE Robyn Byrd show !!! Jamie and Steinz reclining on the couches in buttless chaps and smeared lipstick, while all the shows guests, and various sports handicappers, and Phil Wood, and former TV anchor Henry Tenenbaum prance around in thongs making out and flashing their manbreasts!!!
SHAR! Demeaning gags with local indian deli owner Shar Pourdanesh!!!
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
WIZZNUTZZ intern REX IMMENSAE CHAPMAN has steered the Mothering SHip into the stratosphere and dropped THA BOMB on GOD SHAMMGOD'S MIXTAPE!!!!!!!!!!!
1 part G-Love, 1 part K-Fed, 72 parts BRian Austin Green!!
ITS D-UNIT!!! "The First names Darvin, like a D In Front of Marvin!"
I wrote this rhyme in 1998, but could not find a beat to put it to. Now, thanks to the miracle of home computer technology, song-crafting capabilities are Logitech desktop microphone. I give it to the Internets because, as Bob Marley sang, 'In this great [Washington basketball] future, you can't forget your past.' Plus I get a Get Out of Mothering Hut Free! Card for such unabashed suck-uppery. Right, Darvin?
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
NEW SMOKING HOT RALJON REDSKIN SHIRTS AT THE MOTHERING HUT! Choose from 3 designs!
RALJON, City Of The Future! T-shirt Raljon, Maryland: Land of promise, endless horizons, safe schools, monorails, Dana Stubblefield's ice cream truck... Redskin fans, celebrate this lost time of optimism!
Monday, February 19, 2007
We interupt this post for BReaking SCOOPS!
1. despised former wizznutzz intern and grandstander "James" goes on Bram Weinstein show last week. LISTEN HERE (MP3) for tired, recycled, japes and only fourth time the words "ANdray Blatches Unterus" ever spoken on espn radio!
3. Agent Steinz jumps the shark!!! Promises to hi lite bloggers on TV show "PTW" Pardon The Weeping! Wizznutzz send Steinz our pilot for "Dancing With the 98 Bullets Stars!" back to our regularly scheduled incites...
FOR THIS SPECIAL BLACK THANKSGIVING WEEKEND EDITION WIZZNUTZZ ARE BRINGING OUR GAYNESS UP ON YOU!
We were fully prepped for Black thanksgiving here at wizznutzz headquarters. The pom noisettes on the hibachi, the capri sun bladders were spiked, ken had his astronaut diaper on, and Strindberg was washing the blood off his hands after completing the festive Michael WIlbon Black Thanksgiving Centerpiece
Mike Wilbon himself headed west like a soul pilgrim with fellow "homies, playaz, slimmies, shorties, pimps, juicies and jeezys" for tha big party
He celebrates urban black culture even as he laments the death of black jazz, but the Billy Joel and Elton John CDs he picked up at the Disc SHop at Mazza Gallery help ease the pain.
Monday is Presidents Day but Sunday was Black Presidents Day, cuz Agent Zero's in town. Y'all done with your backlash? Gils he greatest thing to happen to DC since CAPTAIN 20!! For the occassion the NBA hired Cosby's Brown Hornet artist to make him a sweetly racial caricature for his blog
Blog HiLites! -Gil throws his "fishing pole" out at the ladies! -Gil has a breakoff with Shaq! -Gil gives his pops grief for wearing a leather Bucket Hat in the desert like he's Lawrence Fishburne of Arabia!
Meantime David Stern is hoping this weekends hoopla will make people forget about what everyone was talking about last week:
TIM HARDAWAY GOING BATTY ON DA BATTY BOYZ!!!
The most awesome week of awkward sports talk radio EVER! Gayness in sports talk is about as welcome as Joseph Gannascoli in Little Italy! Former jock sports analists were negotiating their way around gayness more gingerly than Hal Linden in a Battle of the Networks Stars obstacle course!!! When Colin Cowherd says "gay people are people too" he is like a diplomat smiling as he eats monkey brains in a Thai Palace so he wont offend his host. Jim Rome told his listeners he is straight and u can tell because of how carefully he grooms his goatee but wore a SILENCE=BACON shirt to show his support for repression and meat. Dan Patrick went 4 days without a nervous "I cant quit you" joke and Mike Golic suddenly got "salmonella" but after doctors told him u cant get it from gay chickens made a strong recovery.
What do wizznutzz think of all this??
Well when we were on BRAM WEINSTEIN show last week we told the world that we totally support John Ameche. We loved him in Cocoon!
Bram asked us if we ever "outed" anyone on the wizznutzz. Well we were there in the locker room when Wes Unseld came out of the closet but that wasnt a gay thing it was just Wes sleeping in a closet. When in came to outing folks, Jahidi White was a master. He outed poor stevie blake every tuesday and steve is straighter than an Andray Blatche tapeworm!
But Wizznutzz have always supported the turgid mandance. Dont forget we are first sports blog to come out and proclaim our Machosensuality!!! Yes, we subscribe to the vainglorious tenets of Christian Laettners Church Of The Divine Machosensual. (Its basically like Scientology but instead of aliens in your blood substitute Kiehls grooming products. )
In case men struggle together with one another, and the wife of the one has come near to deliver her husband out of the hand of the one striking him, and she has thrust out her hand and grabbed hold of him by his privates, you must then amputate her hand. Your eye must feel no sorrow.Deuteronomy 25:11-12
God made man in his image but we thought his image was a little shabby so man created Products to hold and shape. Blessed are the Groomers!!!
Hear hear SIster CHirstian!
The machosensual man has the best of both worlds! He's not just straight, he's FABULOUSLY STRAIGHT!!!!
But NOT TIM Hardaway! Tim HARD HATES GAY PEOPLE!!!
Tim Is cold school straight up: He's a heterosexist obscurant and he's proud! If Tim had his way not even Charles Barkley be chasin Dick!
When Tim be taking his showers its like a big LGBT Fear Factor - dudes start coming out of the fog looking like Amanda Lepore!
T HARD sez dudes should be able to shower by themselves knowing they are real man thru and thru!!
T HARD sez Lockerroom is a commonwealth of vagina surfers only! Men should be able to strip down, soap up, and gear on their Dolce & Gabbana in queerless comfort.
T HARD sez NFL aint got no gayness!
NFL is for real men, like Kyle Orton!
T HARD sez MLB aint no Larry Clark movie!!
T HARD sez a real man likes boobs!
A real man likes rock and roll!
But D Stern didnt like this, after all hes just come to terms with blacks in the NBA and now this! So D Stern sez to T HARD, "What happens in Vegas, STAYS in Vegas! , except YOU T HARD"
Tim was devastated, mostly because it meant he had to cancel his All -Star Party:
"THE ANGRY BALLERS BALL"
All that preparation wasted! Party host Alan Cumming was all lined up, as was the Tim Hardaway roast MCed by Michael Musto. Party sponsor Crown Lager says 2000 lime shandies poured down a UNLV toilet! Thunder Downunder Las Vegas review tucks wasted downpayment into lycra Yfronts!
And Mothering Hut suddenly stuck with 300 Mens XXL special occasion Tshirts!
Look, a soiled overcoat is a fact of life. I get that. I'm not a child. The futility of hope, the dank void of the she-succubus -- I know all about it. So I'm not asking for the plum of the fruit of the edenic bountifying orgasmo here. But a home blowout to the Rosacrucian Blazoo? Seriously? Must fate lower its septic battle-axe with such haste? Can't we at least ooze slowly towards irrelevance, like the olden days? This trapdoor to Hades is a bit abrupt; I prefer the elongated descent, best personified by Rod of Ye Half-Smoke.
Antawn, Father of Antwan, can't you do anything to stop this madness? We questioned you, yes, your defending and offending and everything in between -- but that questioning was the questioning of a child, the curiousity of one who does not seek answers. And now the answers are upon us nevertheless! And they are vile! Which is what we deserve, of course -- but must deserts always come so soon? Cannot our delusion linger at least through the all-star break? Yes, even the playoffs will soon be a sad fantasy, but if what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, shouldn't what comes to Vegas never leave Vegas? And if so, could we not hope to at least arrive in Nevada with dignity intact?
Ruffin is no savior. Bulletproof is but a child. Constable Hayes will soon be on the dole. Donnell is twin to incompetence. Booth is a cavernous jaw. There is nothing to do but mount my steed, a nag too decayed to even summon a bestial flicker in my rotted loins, and ride to Norra Begravningsplatsen, where I may degenerate in peace.
Even the Agent, especially the Agent...I cannot even discuss such sorrow. There is only one glimmer in the damp oblivion of the present future: the Lithuanian Carolinian, Dar-Dar Sinks, tie-dyed champion of the early 90s.
The HMS SWAG is taking on water faster than Kevin Duckworth's ankles! The boat is going to Davey Jones locker, which is just like Calvin Booths locker but with with no James Blunt poster and less crustaceans!
Wizznutzz are going down with the ship, playing Ballad of Manute Bol all tha way on our Didgeredoos. (Hey Why is my didgeredoo hairy???)
Agent Zero backlash in full effect! Quirky is out! Antawn can cure cancer! Gilbert vows to score 50 on his mouth! Wash Times announces Bambi DVD burning party!
HEY HATERS, hey what u want Tracey Murray back now???? Sure TMurray once guaranteed 9 and scored 50. and used to sleep in a Low-altitude tent (he had the stamina of an old Bangladeshi Madam!) but hes not coming back, he loves his job selling coronas on brighton beach. In Russian they have 10 words for 'Respect!'
Juan Dixon [this incite has been edited after complaint that wizznutzz made fun of JDixons parents who died of aids. R U CRAZY!!!??? We dont make japes bout dead Moms. We only make JDiz immune jokez cuz he dont like germz and carries his own toilet paper roll in the lockeroom. INCREASE THE PEACE!!! ] thrashed the Wiz and suddenyl the media is saying the seasons lost. As long as Andres "Dirty Bomb" Nocioni gets clocked in the nuts in round one, its a good season. Ive havnt seen such biting of the hand that feeds since Rod Strickland stole the tip jar from a humble Farragut North frank vender!
Today Wizards hold first players-only meeting, where Darius SOnglia explained to teammates how babies are made!!
-No Snub Left behind -FInally finish new Subway line for DOgs -COnfirm Tubbs as Minister for Homeland Security -Distribute "Peoples Hibachis" to every citizen -Collect ties of all world leaders -Pardon Gar Heard
Expect official MoHut campaign swag in the coming days!
WSJ bashes Salieri, gives shoutout to Wizznutzz, and blames Jared Jeffires for depleting global fishering stocks! Next day inspired traders trigger massive short sell of pork bellies!!!
Then TIME MAGAZINE has an Agent Zero feature! Time Mag is slower to the party than a girl in Ugg Boots at a Bel Biv Devoe reunion show! Beware TIME are a bigger trend killer than Tim Allen doing the cabbage patch!
And last after wizznutzz revealed secret war o9f words between Swiney Todd and Thomas the Tank Engine, we present special new reader HAIKUS!!!! From Steve F:
standing at the line brick after brick after brick Calbert hurts the rim
and best ever haiku:
blue and red lights flash CWebb disses the po-po hello, pepper spray
and then from wizznutzz own comment board Adam writes:
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Their English grammar came down like a hammer!
Left in Brendan Haywood's locker, February 8, 2007:
Brendan Todd Haywood, clod. Hey - good God, This beef you're on With me, Etan, Needs to be ending. Your selfish ways are rending the fabric of the locker room 'till, like a Strange-love Doctor, "boom" - our conflict scorches the earth. Who made your playing time into a dearth of minutes? Not me. Coming back from injury, trying to see whether my ankle bothers me as we lose 110 to 83. You should be incensed by your defense. Not me. I take no responsibility. Yet able will I be if ere I see your elbow flying heedlessly. A pacifist, yes, but that's overseas. You trying to step? B.T., please. First I'll yawn, then I'll sneeze. You haven't seen the likes of these fisticuffs.
I never seem to have enough. I'm an angry man. Babies thirsting for their own self-worth while first-string players labor just to muff offensive rebounds, rather than stuff them down. Why do those babies cry? They want to see the Wizards win. That's the only skin I'm in. Get it to fit comfortably. Haywood, you just let me be the shot denier, rebound supplier, always on fire, taking it higher, the NBA's best versifier, E.
Left in Etan Thomas' locker, the morning of February 9, 2007:
The poet-forward once more dips his pen In inkwells of deep thought - and comes up dry. Why must we fight this battle once again? The only Wizard who cannot see why I get more minutes than you do is you. You play hard about every fifth game. The rest, you try to conjure apercus That will make all the poets speak your name, Head in the clouds, eyes far from the ball, An indecisive shot and subpar D. I reign supreme, and yet you want to brawl. You and your pen know where to find me: In the paint, on the run, or off the glass, Believe me: I am going to kick your ass.
--posted by intern Rex Immensae Majestatis Chapman
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
SO THERE WAS MUCH 2 MUCH TALK AROUND THE WEB ABOUT GIL V KOBE Lots of heavy analisis, much edumaintaining, much Mosaic Maloney.
Ive seen less mandating on the Steve Blake Soapstarz gag reel!!!
It wuz just one game in along season and the way we make sense of a loss like that is we send Ken into the Mothering Hut with a wire brush, some Detol(tm) and a pouch of scrabble tiles and when Ken emerged he had a look on his face, we didnt know exactly what look it was because his mouth was filled with the wood shavings u find on bottom of hamster cage, but i think it was look of accomplishment!
He had rearranged the words "KWAME BROWN" into "RAW WOMB KEN"!! We were very proud and took it as a sign!
Plus the wiz bounced back strong last night against the SOnics and for first time coach Jordans bench didnt seem thinner than Andray Blatche's uterus. Plus we got our first glimpse Tha SONGBIRD and "he came on so loaded, man, well hung and snow-white tan!" and even Donnell Taylor got to play some quality chasey. U know how they say we are all just "7 meals away from murder"?? well D-TAILZ is only FOUR!!! (and he got em all at Agent Zeros SUperbowl party!)
Instead of getting our knickers in a tom knott, we spent the time doing constructive things:
1. We admired the Korean Muggsy Bogues commercial we found on NBA Fanhouse:
In Korean 'Hyundai' means 'Magical brownie'!!!
2. We saw that someone found our site by googling "DARVIN + FUR"!!!
3. We chickity checked our chops when we hit the 4:22 mark of THIS VIDEO
4. We read new STEVE BUCKHANTZ and POST GROTTO Wiz blogs (no wonder we cant find a decent intern anymore!)
5. We, like rest of universe marvelled at Agent 0 doing horizonal Homer Simpson "WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP" dance during the battle of the 260 STARZZZ!
6. We raised glass of Chateau HAMSLAM to toast Coach Jordan who will be coaching the ALL STARZZ and taking his P-Town offense to Vegas. Cappy Cappon and Butch van Breda Kolf would be so proud !!! (but Butch van Breda Kolf had post-coaching job as personal trainer for Hitlers dog 'Blondi', so he wouldnt admit it publicly). As coach of Easts best team, Coach gets to carve the official Michael Wilbon Black Thanksgiving Turducken! Plus he plans to apply his hair with special ceremonial metallic gold sharpie!!! But asst coach Mike O'Koren wont be going, since he was banned from Vegas for gambling problems and putting his own red balls on roullette table. MJ will be there, judging the dunk competition, and judging Mister Mule USA Pagaent and also maybe getting his slot machines in there. SO has this what its come to Sally? SOme old ladie with a dirty plastic slurpee cup pushed desperately against your cashed up loins???
But we dont want mto talk about any oif that stuff. We have incites and be warned, these are incites of VIOLENCE and FIRE!
VIOLENT INCITE #1 THE UNBEARABLE HEAVYNESS OF BEING MICHAEL RUEKERT!
OK so you have heard it said here before. you hear it here many timez, more timez even than you hear "You're a Marvel Bruce!!" in an 70s Australian porno movie!!!
The Gilbert Arenas Backlash is coming!
There are some breathing Willies out there who are tired of the salaaming of Gilbert Arenas . They want an end to salaaming or maybe just to play hide the salaaming. But some people thats not enough.
One of those people is a portly f*ckface vegemite wrestler called MICHAEL RUEKERT.
We understand, MICHAEL RUEKERT, the urges man has. The urge when you are on a bridge and u think "i could just step right off this bridge". Or when u are talking to a really nice pretty girl the urge that u just want to punch her in the face. But are u SURE u want to throw the first stone MICHAEL RUEKERT????
MICHAEL RUEKERT also goes by the really cool online handle "tmacfan811". U can tell he's a tru pioneer because of the "811" part.
Michael made a video. I cant even bear to put it on the site.
Thats Michael, the whey-faced chubby chaser in the red dress and the Bugle Boys that smell like cheese. He is the one taking advantage of the large slow kid.
With this video WIZZNUTZZ officially announce the start of the MICHAEL RUEKERT BACKLASH!!!!
When he is not typing "FIRST!!!" on Farscape Web Ring or tweezering the Braggin Draggin logo of his new tennis shorts or Asking Jeeves "Put Penis Unbaked Tube Pillsbury Crescents Dough Safe Normal?" MICHAEL RUEKERT spends many drone-like lonely hours compiling agent zero lo-lites. and We know about loneliness! We spent 6 years making website about Llorenzo Williams! And we know adolescence is hard time, especially if its in your twenties! It is a time when a young man looks at crowqded world around him and tries to sort out a idea of who he is. Adolesence is domninated by what they call in Circuit City intern seminars "phenomenologies of identity work" You r what u like b/c what u like are semiotic markers of difference and sameness, and for some time we r all pasty young bricoleur's (French for 'Bacon Craft") making clumsy assemblage of our new tastes:
Like MICHAEL RUEKERT, i bet u are guy who when orders soda at Applebees asks for Pepsi and if they only have Coke then u say "just bring an Iced Tea" because world needs to know u only roll with Pepsis! U like papa Johns but Dominos sucks. Lexus is cool but Mercedes is lame. XBox is for fanboyzz PS3 rules. Chamillionaire is wicked, E-40 = gaylords. SO when dudes at yoiur school are all about LeBron and Wade and Gilbert, you plant your flag and holla "IM A TMAC MAN!!!!"
Well Im sure TMac appreciates the endorsment Turd Furgeson!!!!!!!!!!!
Let me tell you, if you think U R What U Wear, well you are not Tracy McGrady no more than your $100 Outback Duster Coat makes you a Swagman(tm) like Llorenzo Llamas or Gilbert Arenas.
And Tracy McGrady aint gonna take your showers at school for you Michael Ruekert, and he is not going listen to your System of a Down mixtape, and he is not going to crawl under your bed and sweep out the Victoria Secret catalogs, and the empty Oscar Meyer Lunchable tubs, and your unattended SHAME.
As August Strindberg quoted Humungus from The Road Warrior movie during his DUI stop last year: "I am gravely disappointed. Again you have made me unleash my dogs of war."
DBB, Let me tell you also "what they are saying" about DETROIT and its "Bad Boys":
1. Detroit is American Acropolis that is decaying quicker than Rasheeds bald spot. Yes the skies were briefly lit up in 1987 when Frehley's Comet passed by but then it crashed into the city and the car factories shut down when Michael Keaton gave into the Japs in Gung Ho and massive depopulation began as people moved into Ohio refugee camps (Dave and Busters with Red Cross subsidized 2-for-1 game cards) and what wasnt destroyed in riots was torched by Wilmer Jones-Ham!!
(ps Wilmer, if u are pleading for your innocence maybe dont do it in an HR Puffenstuff jailbird striped jumpsuit?!)
2. Just cause u have a new Compuware headquarters and 'Renaissance Center" dont mean u can call it a comeback. A Johnny Rockets with an new parking lot, and 2 art directors living in a loft with engineered wood media cabinets from West Elm and new glue traps at The Big Buck doesnt mean "REVITALIZED" It just means U just went from SHithole to McShithole. We know, because we WENT TO THE BIG BUCK and we went to the Palace At Auburn Hills, on historic first Wizards game ever and it was halloween and we dressed up in awesome wizards beards and smoked a funny smoke and we got to the game and there was no Palace and no Hills and no Auburn but just a dark and cold late-modern bombshelter that was 2/3 empty on opening night and the few people there are cashed up contractors in polyblend evening wear from Modells or surly teens in Rocca swag and cinch sacks with Growing Up Gotti fades trying to impress there dates by screaming "get The Fucking Gnomes" at us.
3. You say Wizards fans dont cheer hard, that we arent CLAPPERS?? well its true no one has clappers like detroit cuz detroit has one of highest chlamydia rates in USA!!! Burn!!!
4. Like its founding fathers did, Detroit still has active fur trade but these furriers didnt get those bites from a racoon!!!
5. Detroit is voted WORST PLACE IN AMERICA TO SLEEP! Something to do with your unemployment rate and overall 'happiness index' and dead elk meat your uncle keeps in your closet. DC ranks 5th best place to snooze!!! Just ask Kwame Brown!!!
6. Just like SoCal, detroit has foreign people with mullets living right across the border but u dont see them sneaking into the country to do the jobs u dont want to do because YOU have to do the jobs you dont want to do and u cant even hold them down!!!!!
7. You have only 3 celebrities in Detroit!! Now it is really only TWO since Disney accidentally relocated Insane CLown Possee to Orlando after CEO circulated that "Acquire All Clowns" memo.
You have Kid Rock, the termite rap bogan who gave himself Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.
And you have Mitch Albom. MITCH ALBOM!!
Mitch has more cliches than The Thornbirds and looks like an extra from The Thunderbirds! He doesnt even write sports no more, he just churns out twee milque-toast existentialist hospice-lit. Dear Parade Magazine readers: WE ARE ALL SLOWLY DYING! , hell even thats not his own idea, it was slogan for the 87 Bullets!!
"Five People U meet In heaven" !! the 5 people I wanted to meet in heaven were Ben Wallace, Rip hamilton, CWebb, Darvin ham and Rasheed Wallace but you stole them from us too!!! Chauncey Billups is only BAD BOY u have and he has the soft hands and soft name of a chauffer!!
SO WIZZNUTZZ FAITHFUL YOUR TASK IS CLEAR. FIGHT BACK!! LAY WASTE TO MICHAEL RUEKERT! THRUST YOUR ANGRY VERBAL LOINS INTO THE PLIANT COMMENT BUTTOCKS OF DETROIT BAD BOYS BLOG!
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers; For he to-day that sheds his bacon fat with me Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile, This day shall gentle his condition: And gentlemen in Takoma Park now a-bed Shall think themselves accursed they were not here, And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks That fought with us upon Saint Gilbert's day!!
Brad Generico: Hi, everyone, I'm Brad Generico, and with me is Dick Vitale. Here at Cameron Indoor Stadium, possibly the most unusual basketball exhibition match in college basketball history is about to take place.. Tonight, Gilbert Arenas, the starting point guard for the Washington Wizards and one of the most prolific scorers in the professional game today, is taking on the entire Duke Blue Devils college basketball team. He's not doing it alone, though - he's got four former Washington Wizards with him, but they're playing unusual roles.
Dick Vitale: Yeah, Brad. Arenas has four other guys with him - Mike Smith, Michael Smith, LaBradford Smith, and Clinton Smith. They're playing under these rules [graphic appears onscreen, DV reads text]:
Players other than Arenas cannot shoot unless they're unguarded
If a player other than Arenas has the ball and is guarded, he must either pass to Arenas or pass to an unguarded player, if one is available
All baskets by players other than Arenas only count for one point, and their free throws count for half a point
BG: But they can play normally on defense. They still have no substitutes, though.
DV: Yeah. And this all came from when Gilbert was trying to make the U.S. men's basketball team, coached, as we know, by Coach K, Mike Krzyzewski, from Durham, North Carolina, baybee! One of the finest coaches in the college game today and a great choice to lead the U.S. men into international competition.
BG: Where they finished third.
DV: Baybee!
BG: Yes. Gilbert was not selected for that team, and he's been taking his revenge by scoring at least 50 points when he plays against the teams that are coached by the assistant coaches for the U.S. squad - Mike D'Antoni of the Phoenix Suns and Nate McMillan for the Portland Trail Blazers. Gilbert wrote on his blog, "One college game...that's five fouls, right? ... 40-minute game ... at Duke, they got soft rims ... I'd probably score 84 or 85. I wouldn't pass the ball. I wouldn't even think about passing it. It would be like a NBA Live or an NBA 2K7 game, you just shoot with one person."
DV: And the NBA and the NCAA said, "Hey! I wanna see that! Arenas versus Coach K! A clash of the titans!"
BG: So they came up with this game, and these rules, that are an attempt to translate NBA Live to the real world.
DV: You know, Brad, I really think this game and everything surrounding it is a travesty of the highest order.
BG: You mean like when you got fired from coaching the University of Detroit?
DV: Hey, that was deserved, baybee! I'm no Coach K! No, this game is an insult to everyone involved besides Gilbert Arenas.
BG: And it's coming to you live on ESPN after these messages.
15:34 left, first half
BG: And I think the question you have to ask yourself is, "Why is Mike Krzyzewski leaving Greg Paulus to guard Gilbert Arenas one-on-one?"
DV: Well, you take a look at these replays, here's Arenas driving around Paulus for the easy lay-in, here's Arenas shooting a three-ball over Paulus, here's a midrange pull-up J from Arenas. Clearly Paulus is challenged stopping Arenas. Arenas has a lot of lateral moveability and strength and a great touch on his jumper.
BG: And that is the reason why Gilbert's team is up 18-4 at this point. Because every point so far has been scored by Gilbert.
DV: Well, the former Wizards have also done a nice job shutting down Duke's offense with their athaleticism. I can't believe Michael and Mike Smith weren't forces in the pros! They're defensive stalwarts! These Dukies, they can't handle the inside presence, the leaping, which means these Smith guys must be real standouts.
But I think you're going to see Duke go to a double-team on Gilbert soon. They don't call him Coach K for nothing, baybee!
BG: I thought it was because the first letter of his last name was K.
DV: Hey, you might be right, Mister Generica! Hey, Mr. IQ over here! But this is just a time where Duke will have to adjust and see if they can get back in the game.
BG: And now the Cameron Crazies are chanting "ZERO HERO," as Arenas pops his Wizards jersey at them.
DV: And that's just classless from Gilbert and typical of this travesty. The Cameron Crazies have it right - Arenas has zero heroism. Zero. Hey, Gil, pick on some basketball players your own size, baybee!
BG: Arenas with the 27-foot 3-pointer, and it goes down smooth. 21-4, Arenas.
5:11 left, first half
BG: Who would have predicted the offensive explosion from Mike and Michael Smith?
DV: That's what has to happen when you throw three guys at Gilbert, baybee! The other players have to make you pay!
BG: And another turnover by Josh McRoberts, as Michael Smith paws at the ball and strips it from him...and it's an unguarded layup for LaBradford Smith on the other end.
DV: This is one group of Smiths that don't sing lovelorn tales of alienation leavened with mordant humor!
BG:
DV:
BG: And Arenas with the strip, then splitting the double team. The layup puts Arenas's team up 37-19.
Halftime
Kelly Sidelinea: Coach K, you're down 17 and your team can't stop Arenas unless Josh McRoberts, Greg Paulus, and DeMarcus Nelson orbit him like flies buzzing around spilled Coke. What's your strategy going into the second half?
Krzyzewski: Well, obviously we've got to execute better. Our halfcourt offense has really been disrupted. We've got to make stops on defense and get out in transition. I'm going to have to be a leader who just happens to coach basketball.
KS: Any thought to going back to single coverage on Arenas?
Krzyzewski: No, Kelly. I think we're simply going to have to get every one of our players to play sound fundamental basketball.
11:32 left, second half
BG: And Arenas steps to the line for the and-1.
Krzyzewski's "Hack-A-Smith" defense has brought the Blue Devils back within 3.5, since each of those free throws by the non-Arenas players are worth half a point. But most of his team has four fouls now, and McRoberts' arm is kind of hanging funny in its socket after that last foul attempt on Arenas as he drove to the rim.
DV: This just goes to really show you the leadership of Coach K.
BG: Arenas sinks the free throw.
DV: These players, they have the winning feeling! They're Dukies, they bleed Duke blue! They've come roaring back! They're down four and a half with plenty of time left to play!
BG: And Cameron is rocking with chants of "LE-BRON JAAAAMES!"
DV: Boy, can you imagine what the world would be like if LeBron had gone to Duke and stayed all four years? He'd be dominant at the college level and well-prepared to succeed in the NBA. That's the way it's supposed to be, baybee!
BG: Arenas deflects the pass, Calvin Smith grabs it and heaves it downcourt to the streaking Arenas, who dribbles backward to make the three as Greg Paulus hacks him on the arm. And that'll be the fifth on Gren Paulus, and he's out of the game.
DV: What great hustle from Greg Paulus, to not give Arenas the uncontested three-pointer after Arenas caught it in the paint! But Coach K didn't teach Paulus to foul there, no sir!
3:21 left, second half
BG: At this point, with Gilbert Arenas needing only 6 more points to reach his goal of 84 against a Duke team that currently has three players on the floor due to fouls, and with Arenas's team up 27 points, I think it's fair to ask, "What did we learn today?"
DV: Brad, I think one thing is clear: There is no God. Unless Coach K is Job, and God is visiting unto him all these punishments.
BG: No, I think it's just Gilbert.
DV: DAMN YOU, ARENAS! DAMN LUTE OLSON FOR RECRUITING YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE! HE DESERVED WHAT HE GOT IN 2001!
BG:
DV: Well, let's see if the refs have something to say about the way this game goes in the closing minutes. You never know with these Dukies!
--posted by intern Rex Immensae Majestatis Chapman
We will have new, (violent) incites real soon but we are wizznutzz but also Rednutz! So we r teed about double-snub Hall of Fame weekend. Monk and Grimm left out again! They are retired so they cant avenge snubs on the field but Russ Grim vowed to eat 50 waffles when the Greyhound pulls over on way home from Canton!!!
In tribute to our Fore Skins, Mothering Hut releases two hot new Tees:
in Disrespect Dallas Blu and Grey and Burgundy and Gold!!!
Why the hell are you wearing a Terrell Owens shirt to a Skins game? Look again! Its Washington Redskins future Hall of Famer ART MONK! Of course Art is much too classy to show-up the Dallas Cowboys, but we can always dream!
Celebrate the 1982 Washington Redskins offensive line, aka THE HOGS. Jeff Bostic, Russ Grimm, Mark May, Joe Jacoby and George Starke. Goes perfectly with your Don Warren Y-fronts!
