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Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Loyal readers will know we love CHico DeBarge and his BFF 4EVA former Bullet point guard Rod Strickland and we have exclusive interview today with a TRU WARIOR of words MATt Price who wrote a book about them thats so good it makes WHo Moved My Cheese look like monkeys painting with Caca!
Hi Matt, we r so excited to interview you!! First I want to say u r such an awesome speller!Where did u learn how to spell so good?
Where did I learn to spell? I guess in school. Probably in primary school? I suppose it's the sort of thing that you begin to take for granted as a writer. Now days of course I have a spell checker that picks up the odd typo.
A spell checker, wow! They must be expensive! Does he live in a guest house, like Kato Kaelin?
No the spell checker isn't a person, it's software on my computer.
I bet Kato Kaelin cant spell for beans. But i bet he can spell "KA-CHING!" right!? So you wrote a book about Chico DeBarge? Its called "The Devil Wears Fubu: The Authorized Biography of Neo-soul Scoundrel Chico DeBarge." We love Chico DeBarge! Was it awesome hanging out with him?
It was certainly an interesting experience. It was an all-access arrangement, which means where Chico went, I went. It was definitely a little intimidating at first. He has this very tight knit posse that follows him everywhere while he's on the road. Individually, these people may be security guards, stylists, drivers, PR agents, groupies, old neighborhood pals, there's even a minister. But together they are like a singular living animal, and they are each other's only real family for months at a time. At first I was treated with suspicion, as an outsider. They called me "Bookie" and "College Boy," but over time I think they came to respect my tenacity, and I found myself welcomed slowly into the circle. I sometimes thought of myself like a National Geographic photographer tracking a den of proud wolves in the wild. We were wary strangers, but as we built a mutual trust, we came to realize that maybe we were more alike than we had ever imagined.
SO what we want to know most is did you meet Rod Strickland?! Rod Strickland is one our favorite players ever. He has a hunger for life and for basketball and for meat franks that we also have at wizznutzz.
Of course. One can't reach an understanding Chico without understanding his relationship with Rod. They have an extraordinary bond. Chico showed a loyalty to Rod like I have never seen. Sometimes it almost seemed like they were two sides to a single man; a philosophical, emotional side, and a darkly primal, destructive side. Rod was quiet, with an almost Mephistophelian coldness, and often had this unsettling grin on his face. He always seemed to be in Chico's ear just before trouble broke out. At first I imagined him as Shakespeare's Iago. A master manipulator, perhaps driven from envy or another of the dark passions. But it soon became clear that he was really just an intensely juvenile hedonist. I mean, here's a guy with all the time and all the money a man could ask for, and seems to want nothing more from life than running afoul of the law like some sort of PG County libertine. For most of us, the 30s are a decade of family and career and for the first time beginning to prepare for the future. For Rod it appears to be a time of throwing eggs, burning piles of leaves, letting the air out of car tires. I even saw him steal a candy bar from a deli once. He stuffed it right down the front of his jeans.
Did you guys hang out with El DeBarge alot?
You would think so. When it comes to late 20th century neo-soul, the DeBarge brothers are practically the Carnegies. But it was actually a very sore subject. Chico is an amazingly tangled product of his own contradictions. At times he almost seems miscast in his own life. On the one hand, Chico clearly envied his older brother Eldra. In his game room was a jukebox full of El DeBarge singles. His prize car was a restored Pontiac Fiero, the same car his brother bought when he signed his first major label deal. On the other hand, if Chico saw someone wearing a Bolero hat at a club, he would go into a violent rage. Everyone around Chico knew the No Bolero rule. And during the research for this book, Chico approached Charlie Ray Wiggins, Toni of Tony! Toni! Tone!, about collaborating on a neo-soul opera, an update of Faust in which the devil was pretty clearly meant to be his brother Eldra.
So Does your book have good incites?
Well I'm probably not the best person to ask that question. Critically, it has been very well received. The New Yorker called it "nuanced, pliant" and Dave Eggers was generous when he blurbed: "Every time Matt Price writes a sentence, an angel laces up his hoodie."
As for Chico, I heard that initially he wasn't thrilled with it. I had warned him upfront that this wouldn't be a puff piece, that I was in pursuit of something honest. Still, I wasn't surprised by his reaction. I mean here is a guy who has spent his entire life in the company of sycophants, hangers-on who propped him up, inflated his ego. Is it any wonder then, that Chico cut his fashions from the cloth of self-deception? But then show me a man that doesn't. All of our lives are really just ideas; ideas about who we want to be, how we like to think others see us. Selfdom is an optimistic enterprise, it's the front seat of the roller coaster; but vanity is a funhouse mirror. The thing that did surprise me about this project, though, was how much it taught me about myself. You go in thinking you can maintain a critical distance, but you can only observe something for so long before you begin to see something of yourself reflected in it. Darwin unlocked evolutions mysteries by studying finches. I unlocked mine last summer in a panel van with a man named Chico.
Thats so tru! Hey did CHico DeBarge have a mothering hut??
I don't know what that is.
Its like a place you go into to discipline yourself like a tent of pain and violence. You can make your mothering hut have whatever you want to make it special for your own fears. Like if you look in the wizznutzz mothering hut you find duct tape, an angry raccoon, steel wool and torn underpants.
Wow. If I understand you, it's like an auto-sadist cubbyhouse? That's very unusual. No, I can't say I ever saw a mothering hut in my time with Chico. I suppose in some sense, Chico's van served that purpose. He would drive around in that thing late into the night trying to work things out of his system. That van seemed to have almost absorbed qualities of Chico's soul. That van was uninsulated, its rivets and panels were exposed, the wheel wells were stuffed with discarded 7-Eleven wrappers, its suspension was shot. It shuddered upon the cracked bitumen of the pitted boulevard of his broken dreams.
Did it have a DVD player?
Yes it did.
What did they watch on it?
Music videos mostly. Some porn films. That movie Short Circuit. I think Chico wrote a song for the soundtrack.
Do you have things you do when you write? Like Gilbert Arenas does behind the back with the ball before foul shots?
You mean like rituals? Not really. I usually get up, check my e-mail, write for a few hours in the morning. Maybe meet up with my editor for a late lunch. Try and get outside for a bit. Then I typically spent a couple of hours in the late afternoon going back through the mornings work.
Is there any food u like to eat while you r writing?
No not really.
You should eat Romanian bacon. Its best bacon in the world. In Romanian they don't have laws about giving steroids to animals so bacon is really big and if you leave it out u can still eat like 2 weeks later.
Is that a question?
When we write on our website sometimes we put on gameworn shorts of our favorite players that we got on eBay. For some players the more they are soiled when u buy they are even cheaper I don;t know why! Sometimes we mix up the shorts so when we don't know whose shorts we have on and it helps our incites be even more inspired. Are there writers shorts u like to wear when you write?
I fear that you mean that literally. But if I was to interpret that to mean 'Which writers inspire you', I would probably say Tom Wolfe. He really changed for me the idea of what a reporter can accomplish. Also Edmund White, and the amazingly detailed work of Proust. I was recently impressed by that civil rights history by Taylor Branch.
Did you like Manute: The Center of Two Worlds?
No I don't know that one.
Its real good. You should read it most definitely if u like books.
DO you Have a MySpace page?
Not that I know of. Is that an internet thing?
We have one. JArvis Hayes is one of our friends! I bet u would have lots of friends. If you want we can give u an add.
Did u make a audiobook of Devils Wears Fubu?
I think the publisher are planning one.
U should get the guy from the Harry Potter ones. He does 100 voices I bet. If he does two house eleves you can even tell they are different. Or Maybe you should get sports announcers to read it! Like Bullets radio guy Dave Johnson when he said "Rod Rod Rod Rod Rod!" He says only one word but he tells so much when he says it. Or Steve Buckhantz, you can have him yell "DAGGER!" at the end of the chapters!
That would be interesting. But I'm not really involved.
I read that there is a magazine that called you a liar. Is that true?
No. I was the target of a recent expose in the Jet Magazine Literary Supplement. The piece, which bore the sardonic title: "Well Maybe the Devil Wore Sean Jean After All," accused Mister DeBarge of fabricating many of the sensational anecdotes that helped give the book
its bravura energy.
Like what?
Well, among the claims that Jet contested:
-that Chico DeBarge can outrun wild dogs in a race.
-that Chico DeBarge has a special SUV that is powered by Hennessy and can go 300 miles per hour.
-that Chico DeBarge donated one of his lungs to help his sick nephew, and refused anesthetic during the surgery because "I couldn't give my little cousin no junkie lung. Junkie lung isn't like a regular lung. Junkie lung will take the whole show down 'cause it has nothing to lose and is crazier than Margot Kidder."
But at no time was I personally accused of any fabrications. I simply reported the claims as they were made to me. And in fact, I feel it's a more fascinating profile now that we know that much of it was the pure imaginings of this one man bearing an almost Wagnerian grandiosity. My peers have been very supportive. Skip Gates Jr. wrote a very generous letter to the editors at Jet defending my work. He even argued that Chico DeBarge is just the latest in a important line of "trickster characters," who have a powerful, even archetypal, presence in the African American folkloric tradition. In that light, you can argue about standards and practice until your blue in the face, but tell me, how does one fact-check a man's roots?
OK one more question. If you had a dinner party and u could invite 3 people to it even if they were dead who would u have?
Oh this question. God, no idea. I guess I'll just go with the usual suspects: Jesus, Martin Luther King, Ghandi.
Really?! You are a great writer so no disrespect but thats crazy! They wouldn't even want to talk to u and they would be so picky about food, like Coach Lynam used to say at halftime: u cant give Jesus a halfsmoke! I would have instead of JC, I would have Randy Quaid or Al Koken cuz those guys will eat anything! And instead of Ghandi I have former Bullet Stan Love cuz he could do the dishes after, and I bet Stan Love could roll a proper joint and bring some ladies around. And instead of Dr King I say get Webster! Hes black and famous but hes also HILarious! Hes so small, u can have him a high chair and when u cut his food for him he would be like "Hey Im not a child I can cut my own food Im a grown man" and Stan Love would say "Yeah OK you'll be big and tall you just growing late like your brother he's 6 feet HAHA take a hit off this black gnome youll be so tall u can touch the moon!"
Thanks for the time guys, I've got to go.
 Labels: Chico, Rod
posted by wizznutzz
OUR FAMOUS MOTHERING HUT T-SHIRTS
PERMALINK |
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
DAILY PUNGENTIA:
1. Used to be, DC traded away Mad Skillz for 3 Billz.
But not no more, E Grunz is trading yesterdays fruit for fresh bacon and now other teams fans are finding out that Cold Mountain and The Manchild are not the potential sensuals they were advertised to be!!
2. Keeping Sending in those INTERN video applications!!:
3. Can someone make a ringtone for wizznutzz using this clip of Gilbert saying HIBACHI and maybe a Gong noise?
4. LEGZZ! BOOBZ!
Former Bullet and current TNT ANALIST is part of a new "Bomb Squad" theez days! We love T Legzz, aka The Original Orange Roundie! I wonder if Tim will insist the wedding video be shot with his personal filter ??
5. HAS CARON BEEN SPEAKING to "FINANCIAL" about his own Takeover??
6. NEW VIDEO OF AGENT ZERO BDAY BASH
Sez impressed MC:
"I guess thats what its like when u ... just dumping on N**gaz"
plus Lots of body painted hoochies!
But still no one has posted the footage we all desire: of nude PJ Ramos body painted to look like a glittered wombat in the throws of late-stage Mxymatosis.
7. BEST TOUGH JUICE FOTO EVER!
8. YAY SPORTS GIVES WIZZNUTZZ AWARD!!
9. DETROIT BAD BOYS HAS JASON MAXIELL TEES AND CHAUNCY TAHITIAN NONI JUICE VIDEO AND WIZ/DETROIT PREVIEW
10. WHY ARE GILS NEW CUSTOM SHOES MADE OUT OF THE CREDITS FROM 'SAVED BY THE BELL'???
Gil I know you were only 5 in 80s so i forgive but it was an ugly decade that doesnt deserve a second chance, take Jeff Ruland for example!
11. BEST JEFF RULAND PHOTO EVER!!
Jeff I understand Stripes are slimming, but if thats true, why dont you have a striped hood over your head?!!!
Im just playing J-Rule! You look very dashing.... for a burst sausage casing!!!!
Hahha no we just kid because we love and because you have a giant bulbous head!!!Labels: Video
posted by wizznutzz
OUR FAMOUS MOTHERING HUT T-SHIRTS
PERMALINK |
Wizards just cant be stopped whether its against "Leprechaun IV: All QUiet on the DeLonte Western Front" or the Throwdown in Motown. Hey is CWebb on the Tyra Banks diet??? 9 wins over .500 is like Ledell Eackles genome: uncharted territory! SOmetimez it doesnt even seem like Wiz r so good but just that suddenly everyone else seems so ugly around them. Its like the reason Steve Czaban has so many friends!
People say its team chemistry, like Karla K said to Michael J: "The whole is bigger than the parts" But make no mistake there is one reason we are so fine and its AGENT ZERO. He has reinvented his game once again, now he flies into the gaps like a running back, SWEETNESS. His swag is a roosters swag, a wake up call that runs low to the ground. He has such tite game because unlike all the other heisty shooters in the association, he isnt all about putting More Bounce To The Ounce but putting Pride To The Glide. My heart almost stopped vs Celtics when Gil went to the lockerrom and Donnel Taylor takes his place. Thats like going to see The Producers on broadway and you find out that for this performance role of Max Bialystock wont be played by Nathan Lane but instead by the cerebal palsy comic who was Blair's cousin Geri in Facts Of Life!
To celebrate our hero we end MOTHERING WEEK with mother of all T SHIRTS!!!!!:::
SUPER DELUX AGENT ZERO BLINGTASTIC TSHIRT!!!
When Agent Zero holds court at the Playa's Ball, you know he cold rocks the vintage Cazals!
They say this cat Zero has no conscience,
SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
I'm talkin' bout Swag!
Then we can dig it!
Many colors and styles to choose from including red felt (in tha projects they call it Velvet) and versions featuring sparkle-icious pendant!!!
AND FREE SHIPPING for 2 MORE DAYS !!
Remember to use coupon code when u checkout!
Popularity of Mo Hut fashionz is over whelming. It brings a tear to our eyes, a tear that we wipe away with fitsfuls of your cash!!!!
Official SWAG of Christian Laettner's Church of the Divine Machosensual!Labels: Agent Zero, Mothering Hut
posted by wizznutzz
OUR FAMOUS MOTHERING HUT T-SHIRTS
PERMALINK |
Monday, January 29, 2007
August Strindberg checks in from Norra Begravningsplatsen!!!
Even a dying bird, spastically flapping and fluttering in a dark pool of its own blood, appears to dance with something like joy. So too does my heart twitch deep within the dank cavern of my syphilitic innards. For the Wiz-zards ascend! Of course, their fate will inevitably be that of Icarus, tender flesh singed by the flaming, engorged orb. In the Wiz-zards case, the engorged orb will be the leaking pustule of Andres Nocioni; the tender flesh: Andray Blatche's cream-suited, cream-filled swag. But no matter!
For these are blessed days -- ah, to watch these winged heroes soar, clad in their gold and obsidian pyjamas!
Twenty-six nuts have been harvested to date. How many more can be sequestered in Mike O'Koren's billowing cheeks before the cup runneth over?
How long will the she-succubus permit such joy? My overcoat somehow seems slightly less soiled -- I know it is merely a ruse of her hysteric wiles, luring me to inhuman depths of future degradation -- but nevertheless!
A glorious delusion it is, and I am already late for the Monday night crafting party at Roger Mason Jr's apartment in Rosslyn. Felt and googly-eyes tonight! I shall make a bookmark for my deceased mother. Rog is crafting a yacht-wear outfit for his John Riggins dolly. Brendan wants new socks.
I cannot wait -- I literally cannot! Ah, I have not felt such giddiness since I was drugged by Ripe Sheila, the Slovenian whore.
Harvest on, sweet O'Koren! Fifty nuts shall be ours!Labels: August Strindberg
posted by wizznutzz
OUR FAMOUS MOTHERING HUT T-SHIRTS
PERMALINK |
Thursday, January 25, 2007
THe WIZ LOSS the other night was HARD for EVERYONE SO we ARE Going back to a happier time today..
a WIZZNUTZZ flashback
Years ago when we were a small site with small dreams and only had a small amount of loyal readers, and one of those readers was a man named David VANTERPOOL. Now we all know that David Vanterpool played 22 games for the Washington Wizards in 2000-01, but did you all know that he is one of our most prolific commenters?? Well we used to have a Message Board, maybe we still do even, and D Vant owned that board. he posted all the time, right on time!
But problem is, messageboard wasnt very popular with people.
WHY?
because fanz already had 2 other very popular ways to interact with us:
1. USING COMMENTS SYSTEM
2. SLAPPING US IN FACE WHILE WE RODE THE BUS
So despite DVAnts vigilance the message board fell into ruin until it was just David Vanterpool battling spam in the dark like a poor brave Frodo in a Mordor of potted meat. We didnt even check the board anymore opurselves,
So we were extra suprised when David Vanterpool emailed us to alert us that he had just survived an encounter that ranks as
one of the GREATEST MOMENTS IN WIZZNUTZZ HISTORY!!!!
IT'S SO META!!!!!!!!
One of the real David vanterpools is now david Interpol: he plays for CSKA MOSCOW
And we found these AWESOME D. VANT IMAGES!!!!
Is that a Curious George Tattoo? Or for Detroit Lions? Or for a Welsh Black Power Group?
David SHowing wizznutzz message board to russians. See expressionjs: children understand wizznutzz so naturally, while adults are frightened and breathless!
David Vanterpool showing a man his "BACKWOODS MEAT GUN"
But the best images by far,
are stunning D-VANT tribute artworks by real russian children::
Timur, 10 years old
Love the chinese tattoo. Must have gotten that when playing for YAKIMA SUN KINGS in far east! !!
Vasya Slipukha, 11 years old
This is my favorite. I would buy this masterpiece for 10000 rupies or plate of metallic sushi!! Check out the post-soviet realism! The HP logo that looks cunningly to read "invert"! The little first Aid kit under the backboard!!
Natalja, 19 years old
CHAIRMAN Bahtepnya!!!
Ruslan Barcho, 7 years old
Such light, such fury at 7 Years Old! Ruslan Van Gogh more like it!!!!!Labels: Vanterpool
posted by wizznutzz
OUR FAMOUS MOTHERING HUT T-SHIRTS
PERMALINK |
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
"RIKE ROO RALWAYS RAY RALIERI,
COP KILLAZ BUY SHOES TOO!"
Labels: Salieri
posted by wizznutzz
OUR FAMOUS MOTHERING HUT T-SHIRTS
PERMALINK |
BREAKFAST SCOOPS FROM HONORARY INTERN AND COURT REPORTER UNSILENT MAJORITY:
BREAKING!...Barbosa was wearing Gil Zero's in his own team's colors. I tried to tell him he wasn't worthy but he wouldn't hear any of it.
Before the game started I was walking to the bar and I saw a kid (late teens I'm guessing) rockin' the green Agent Zero shirt from the Mothering Hut. Obviously I called out "WIZZNUTZZ BABY!" and he turned around to see my '98 Bench shirt. Good times all around...until the first quarter started.
one other thing...Clinton, Dockery, and Carlos were all sitting together courtside. I went up to Clinton and talked to him about his Creative Recreations...we have the exact same wardrobe only his shit is new and my shit is two years old.
THEN AFTER SUNS GAME we were sent GREATEST FAN FOTO EVER!!!
Its in the gallery!!!
Not only do babes rock the Mothering Hut swag, but babes in swag attract Phil Chenier like a baby to bacon!!! Back at CLydes Phil jumped on the Piano and roused the crowd with a moving rendition Atlantic Stars "One Lover At A Time " while steve Buckhantz lined his pant's pockets at the Raw bar!!
To encourage more girls to wear MoHut gear, we have slashed prices on our ladies Agent Zero Tees! And they r now printed in superfly felt!!
AND FOR KIDS TOO!!!
Meantimes
As Agent Steinz reports, WPGC has the finalists for its "VOTE FOR GILBERT POSTER CONTEST"
Oh my.
Most These things look like Missing Persons fliers at a Petworth bus stop... either that or the specials board at CLub ELite in Temple Hills!
In one of these gils wearing another teams jersey!!!!
Really , "Zapf Chancery" font is soooooooo "Vote for Robert Pack" circa 1998 .
 Labels: Mothering Hut
posted by wizznutzz
OUR FAMOUS MOTHERING HUT T-SHIRTS
PERMALINK |
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
HOT BACON! COLD PIZZA!
Thanks for the props awesome Jamie Mottram aka MR IRRELEVANT, only blogger machosensual enuff for TV! For Agent Zero legend, if like we say, Wizznutzz are seed, and Agent Steinz is the penis, then mister irrelvant, you r the FLUFFER!Labels: Agent Zero, Press
posted by wizznutzz
OUR FAMOUS MOTHERING HUT T-SHIRTS
PERMALINK |
Monday, January 22, 2007
WASHINGTON WIZARDS IN FIRST PLACE!!!
"HOWDYA LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!"
Last time Washington was in first this late in season, Abe and Irene Polin were still throwing their famed "Key Parties"!!!!
Wizards offense is in full gear. Like Dana's Gyno told her last week : "you cant stop it, you can only hope to contain it!"
Suddenly teams, they try to double team Agent Zero, but this just opens up the court since Gil has chicken vision and because just like Danas diagnosis, Wiz are like a three-headed monster:
Streptococci, Staphylococci, Diplococci!!!
What one man can handle penetrating of 3 simuiltaneous Cocci? I didnt think so!
They are like perfect storm of scoring:
Thunder, Lightening, and Soft Breeze Of Brown Velour (blow Antawn, blow!)
SO WE HAVE SOME THINGS TO COVER!!
1.
Agent Steniz gives Wizznutzz more major love!
Why the hell is Agent Steinz so good to us? Is it because of the Intern application from the daughter of Leonard Downie, Jr. that suddenly found its way to the top of the pile? We cannot say! Only one things for sure, there will be an Agent Zero backlash at some point. Its just the way things are. But before that backlash will come a much more wicked and punishing wizznutzz backlash. And when it comes we all just
pray Agent Steinz will be our Oscar Schindler!
"I need Jaarko Ruutu. I need D. Ham. I need Brenadan Haywood. That was the agreement. I must have them. They are on the list. Look at those tiny hands. How else do you expect I am to clean the inside of the munition casings?"
The Bog Catcher also unearths the Wizznutzz in New York Newsday!!
"Whoever came up with that is a genius," Arenas said of his superhero nickname, which first belonged to a comic book mutant but was assigned to Arenas by a blogger. "Whoever came up with that, thank you. I appreciate it."
YOU ARE SO VERY WELCOME GILBERT ARENAS! WE JUST WANT TO PLAY OUR SMALL PART IN THE TAKLEOVER. WE ARE LIKE MUSSOLINI'S DOGWALKERS!
2.
I got an spam email yesterday and it said it was from someone whose name is
"FONZ CHAPMAN"!!!
My thinking is, are we trying to sign this guy?? Go get him Grunz! Get him for the minimum. Combining Fonz and Rex Chapman into one extraordinary man, r u kidding me!!! Fonz Chapman = Instant Fan Favorite!!!
3.
SCOOP JACKSON, THE DERELICT OF DIALECT, TAKES ON AGENT ZERO!!!!!!!
Loyal Wizznutzz Readers know how we feel about SCoop!
you others, well u go read THIS classic INCITE
WE LOVE SCOOP.
we love his pulp afro truisms, the pithy vers libre that he calls "ORIGINATIC" and we call "TERMINATOR X HAS BEEN PLAYING WITH HIS SON'S MADLIBS(tm) AGAIN"
We love the contradictions in his prose.
His drops copy that's taut yet loose, clipped yet ostentatious, its "Spartomaximalist!".
His body of work mirrors his body of flesh: Flyweight Frame, Heavyweight Attitude!
He has an athletes mind and a poets body!
Sure some people complain about Scoop, they say he writes himself into the script more thatn Spike Lee, they say how his punchy profundities are one sentence deep, that his pieces plod along one sentence at a time and then turn around a come back over themselves, like a hopscotch game, they say that Scoop thinks he is a fresh voice, a flamboyant showman but then so do most guys you find wandering around the LA Bus Depot at 2am, and they complain that Scoop's big finale kicker lines are really just re-purposed marketing BL-AXIOMS he boosted from shoe company copywriters like this:
When the shirt arrived it was like Christmas in May.
Witness
That's all it said.
Because that's what we all are.
...Just watch. Witness
and now this:
He tries to make you believe that it is about them, not him.
That he's not the one to occupy the spotlight, that he's not in this moment of his alone.
They all are. The team. Together.
But you're not a fool, are you?
and they say, "Hey Scoop, I also had that Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy CD when i was in college. But I also wore Ocean Pacific courderoy sHorts in High School and even though, yes, i still wear the same shorts, I dont have JC Penny taking pictures of me in them for the latest catalog!"
Yes, thats all true, BUT at least Scoop is the only sportwriter at espn who you can be assured will never utter the word "PAGEANTRY" when talking about sports!!! and thats gotta count for something!
4.
THE MARZIPAN MANCHILD
YAY SPORTS is running a fan fiction contest: you gotta answer the question
"Why Did Kwame Throw The Cake"????
well we cant do it in 500 words or less but we have been asking oursleves the same quesation!!
When the Manchild was sent in exile on his mule we hoped there would be rebirth in the City of Angels. But things dont always work out the way you hope. Like when the killer Jack Henry Abbott was a talented writer, and so Norman Mailer helped him get his book "In The Belly of the Beast" famous, and even helped spring him from jail cuz he was such a great writer, and then a feww weeks later Jack Henry Abbott killed dead a waiter and went right back to prison where he writes his violent sports blog "True Hoop"
People have big, brains of moist complexity, like Scoop calls "Onions" and John Thompson calls "Foreskin Thinking". People have needs and desires and fears they dont even see and they do what they have to do to be at peace. Like how Eddie Murphy can only be comfortable in his own skin if he dresses up in the skin of an elaborate fat suit to play an older physcially aggressive woman who then harrasses his other self in a sexually inappropriate way.
So we try to get to the core of all this using psychoanalism.
(Side note, Kwame and the Cake ranks #2 in wizznutzz all-time list of greatest DC basketball off-court Food and Beverage incidents. The top 6:
#1 Off course its Rod Strickland and CHico DeBarge busted for throwing bottles in a TGI Fridays parking lot.
#2 Kwame Brown and The Cake
#3 Rod Strickland vomitng Half smokes on the bench
#4 Kwame Brown and the French Dressing
#5 Gilberts Talc DOnuts
#6 Jeff Ruland eating 9 live hamsters on Fear Factor)
WE see food-related violence all the time these days with children.
Boy stabs sister for chicken pie,
classmates serve death cake,
burger=murdah,
Dr EVil and the stinky posion cake....
but why is the same happening now with manchildren?? Some ideaz:
ONE
Maybe Kwame was trying to impress Ronnie Turiaf??
WHo wouldnt!? But kwame, just take him ice skating! buy him frozen hot cocao at Serendipity. Or Make him an impressive mix tape of Martinique Zouk music!!
TWO
Kwame was suffering from HYPO GLYCEMIC REBOUND aka sugar rage aka "Lynam's Disease".
I know kwame doesnt get many rebounds but there is proof that food = pain and with Coach jackson force feeding the manchild Butterfingers and shame... well more on that later
THREE
Kwame was just raised wrong.
We know that's not the reason!!!!!
Cuz Kwames Auntie, Altamese Allen and cousin Sissy Bell made sure he always behaved himself like a classy professional at all times!!!
They led by example!
FOUR
This is "POST 9/11 KWAME".
Nervous and jaded and panicky.
We will never be the same and its true for kwame also. He is safe in the warm LA night but in his mind he is always in an Israeli Sbarros, eyeing the guy in the corner who is wearing a heavy coat in mid-July.
FIVE
Kwame was practicing physical comedy that he saw his hero Buster Keaton do on TV. Everyone loves a food fight! is what kwame was thinking. He lives in a grand silent picture! No wonder the coaches cant get through to him and he prefers to communicate with mascots because of their expert and hilarious mimez!
SIX
Kwame took learnings to heart of the Robert McKee's Screenwriting Seminars he attends in offseason, and hoped a spontaneously thrown cake would be a DEUS EX MACHINA that would neatly and improbably resolve the messy story of his young life.
SEVEN
Kwame suffers from serious BODY DYSMORPHIA
Like many anorexic young "popsicle"-head young celebs: Nicole Richie, Laura Flynn Boyle, Richard Hamilton... kwame has falled victim to the STARVE WARS.
He has 'Adonis Complex'.
he is Strong and Machosensual but when he looks in the mirror he sees something Wrong and 'Nachosensual', something HORRIBLY DIFFERENT:
Like we say, SILENCE=BACON, the body is a battleground not a postmodern playground!! It's a crucible of punishment. "CAKE IS THE ENEMY OF MY THIGHS!!" yells Kwame, like the Cartoon CATHY except that Cathy also had a bad case of middle-class post-lib sexfear and was first ever comic strip character whose vagina committed suicide.
EIGHT
Kwame saw the cake as a tempting material manifestation of himself and sought to destroy it so that he may rise again from the scattered crumbs.
Kwame is like a cake in so many ways: soft, indulgent, flaky, sweet, and very bad for you. Plus if you overheat him, he will collapse like a delicate souffle!!
NINE
Kwame saw the cake as an evil embodiment of ABUSE!!!!
FOOD=FURY!
Kwame left the abusive upbringing of Salieri and Coach Collins aka The Phantom and thought maybe under Phil Jackson it will be different? Phil jackson is a Buddhist he says. well lets have a look at some of his Buddist teachings:
KOAN # 83
Hyakujo, the Chinese Zen master, used to labor with his pupils even at the age of eighty, trimming the gardens, cleaning the grounds, and pruning the trees.
The pupils felt sorry to see the old teacher working so hard, but they knew he would not listen to their advice to stop, so they hid away his tools.
That day the master did not eat. The next day he did not eat, nor the next. "He may be angry because we have hidden his tools," the pupils surmised. "We had better put them back."
The day they did, the teacher worked and ate the same as before. In the evening he instructed them: "No work, no food."
Hmm interesting. biut not as interesting as:
KOAN #127
Zen is like a Butterfinger(tm) pointing at the Moon; once you've seen the Moon, there is no longer any need for the Butterfinger(tm) .
COach Jackson, mandals do not the Maharishi make!
As we say , the 'Tao of Salieri' does not contain enlightenment. It only contains the words "I EAT OATS".
For Kwame the cake represnted his shame. Like Miss Havisham and her musty confections, the cake must never be eaten, it must remain as a reminder of humiliation and bitterness.
Maybe when Kwame dreams, he dreams he is Micky from IN THE NIGHT KITCHEN.
The three evil chefs, Jordan, Collins, jackson have baked Kwame into a big heavy cake of expectations and in his dream he dreams that he breaks out of the doughy cake and plunges, psycholoigically naked, into a giant bowl of milk sceaming
"IM KWAME! IM IN THE MILK AND THE MILKS IN ME!"
 Labels: Kwame, Press
posted by wizznutzz
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NEW INCITES COMING SOON BUT FIRST...
MOTHERING WEEK DAY THREE!!!!
(OK actually we are now only going to have a four day 'Mothering Week' since we have too many shirts and you cant spend your whole drug trial stipend all on shirtz!!!!..
so one truly awesome shirt right now, one truly awesome shirt later this week, and the rest later!)
AS REQUESTED JUST LAST WEEK ON DC SPORTS BOG!!!
GHEORGHE 'GHITZA' MURESAN T-SHIRT!
in ROMANIA:
GHITZA= "LITTLE GHEORGHE" (Muresans nickname!)
MARE INIMA= "BIG HEART"
and
77=GHEORGHE'S BULLETS JERSEY NUMBER AND HIS HEIGHT IN FEET AND INCHES !!
Gheorghe Muresan, the My Giant star and former Bullet big man, is one our favorite personalities, and is honored with one of our favorite shirts.
All Ghitza shirts are printed using a durable felt fabric that, like Big Gheorghe, is soft to the touch.
The Wizards recently appointed Ghitza as the franchise's official Suite Ambassador, but Muresan mistook the title for "Sweet Ambassador" and can be seen at games handing out bags of mixed Romanian lollies. We love the Peppermint Bog Gypsy Stix!!
Read about the Gypsy Curse in this CLASSIC INCITE!Labels: Ghitza, Mothering Hut
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Saturday, January 20, 2007
MOTHERING WEEK DAY TWO!!!!
Look what fell off the back of the Theatrevision truck on Rockville Pike!
No, not Joe Jacoby's wife Irene!
Even better! This brand new, deadly Mo Hut shirt:
THE DALLAS STARGET TEE!
The Redskin arrow flies straighter than Richard Jefferson!
"Is Danny White still lurking about in your basement?
Now science has proven only way to truly kill a Cowboy is to shoot him in the star.
To a Washington Redskin fan, the closest thing to the joy of direspecting the Cowboys, is disrespecting the Cowboy brand! A great look for Dallas week, or, if you are Al Koken, for weddings!
Heavyweight shirt, made with the real blood of Michael Westbrook."
Available in She and He and KIDS sizes!
And CHeaper than Stadium Parking!!!
AND SEND US YOUR PHOTO FOR THE GALLERY!
Mothering Hut Tees are moving faster than an Alexander Martinez birthday cake! SO why not take a snap? Are you all that unsightly??
You can be like the mystery AOL SPORTS BLOGGER who wuz transformed by MoHUT fashion!Labels: Mothering Hut
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Friday, January 19, 2007
wizznutzz proudly present:
MOTHERING WEEK !
8 NEW UNBELIEVABLE SHIRTS IN 8 DAYS!!!! Jerry Stackhouse Fashion Week!
THIS SWAG IS PHENOMENAL!!!
Smoother than Calvin Booth's brazilian bikini wax!
Deadlier than Michael Westbrook in a cage match!
Louder than Abe Pollin at a noon screening of Good Burger!
FRIDAY'S SHIRT:
the long awaited
CARON BUTLER TOUGH JUICE TSHIRT!
"Caron's Tough Juice brand NRG pop is the official sports drink of the Mothering Hut. 1 part reformed felon, 2 parts deformed melon, a dash of pruno, and extra salt.
Chew straws not included!"
He "got his game winner" he gets his swag!
Available in Mens and Womens and all the hot colors, including GLOW IN THE DARK!!!
Free Shipping til January 31!
OH AND DONT U FORGET THE ASK AGENT ZERO CONTEST CONTINUES.
WRITE YOURSELF INTO HISTORY!
GILBERT=KIDDER+CHURCHILL+REGGIE THEUS IN HANG TIMExKAZOOIE+YOU!Labels: Caron, Mothering Hut
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Thursday, January 18, 2007
WE ARE BUSY WORKING IN THE MO. HUT ON NEW FASHIONS.
Its harder mixing glitter and blood than u think!
But our superfanz have been sending us incites that r hotter than the Deuce Macallister jersey in Albert Connells trunk!!
First
Jon Skladany sends us the first reader Haiku since the days when Salieri destroyed Kwame's copy of "Bridge to Terrebithia" at his annual "Flaming Words Are For Flaming Faggots" training camp book burning. And its a GEM!
Ode to John Nash
Pair him with Tom Googs
Hoosier state savior at six
Bullets choose Cheaney
Send us your haikus for the Wizznutzz Poetry Page!
Second:
Honorary Intern Unsilent Majoris forweards THIS AWESOME AGENT ZERO PRANK!
Arenas said his all-time favorite prank occurred that year when fellow freshman and roommate Gardner was taking a shower in Navajo-Pinal Residence Hall, where they lived.
There was a rule that stated that anyone caught in the dorm when the fire alarm went off got what Arenas said was around a $1,500 fine from the fire marshal. Gardner was showering one day when Arenas took the guard's clothes out of the bathroom, locked the door and set off the fire alarm.
"So he had to go outside or he was going to get caught," Arenas said. "It was just hilarious. You could just see him walking around, holding himself, and it was just hilarious."
JAHIDI WHITE used to do the same "PRANK" to Steve Blake but would wait outside the door with a burlap hood !
The censored youtube evidence is very NOT safe for work, not safe for mankind full stop!
Third:
August Strindberg gets a hold of crude prototype for next Wizards Foodstuff poster giveaway:
posted by wizznutzz
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Wednesday, January 17, 2007
SWEET JESUS! SWEET, BUTTERY, SMALL HANDS JESUS!!!
WHERES THE CAKE YOU ASK?
Why BUtterfinger Browns Got it!
Holy Hippolito.
We promise to committ the rest of our natural lives to covering this stunning development!
 Labels: Kwame
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Tuesday, January 16, 2007
The SELLOUT TAKEOVER CONTINUES!!!!
While Gilbert is popping 50 more times than Darryl "Hommo" Baum the wizznutzz ARE GETTING INTO BED WITH THE GREY LADY!!!
NO DOnt worry Wes, we would never make the moves on Connie!!! no we are talking about THE NEW YORK TIMEZ!!!
Sure the sunday times doesnt have the ad dollars of SPortsfan Magazine but its a start!
To celebrate we have teamed up with legendary Media Assassin AGENT STEINZ of DC SPorts Bog to present first ever totally unsanctioned contest:
Thats right!
If you could ask Agent Zero any question at all, what would it be?
Answer as many times as you want on the comments board below.
The best questions will be sent to Agent Steinz and he will select one to ask AGENT ZERO himself next time they are together in the Grunfelds steam room!!!
There is no interview in the world as great as an Agent Steinz/Agent Zero interview. Not even when James Lipton posed the Pivot Questionaiire to Margot Kidder was that as good! (JL: 'What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?' MK: 'Probably Red Angel Of Scissors. Or Architect.')
And now you can be what we all dream of: the salty moomintroll talking directly into Stienz's brain!!
Just imagine how u can go down 4ever in Gilbertology lore by teasing the newest nugget out of the phenomenal swag matrix that is Gilberts brain!!!
***Agent Steinz cant guarantee "ask Gilbert contest" so if there is problems we just rename this historic contest:
"ASK JAMES LANG CONTEST! (REALLY ASK HIM AS MANY QUESTIONS AS YOU WANT. ASK HIM TO MAKE YOU BREAKFAST.)"
And to get your Woodward and Bernstein Bear Chaser juices flowing, why not slip into one of our popular AGENT ZERO TSHIRTS at the Mothering hut!. They are now available in new colors including Blingtastic Glitter Inks and also supercool Metallic inks. We love the metallic silver one! The pictures in the store dont do it justice. Imagine a shirt made of shiny sardine skins stapled on to fine bacon resistant cotton... aka THE Romanian IRON-ON!! Free shipping!!! Many more mothering hut fashions to come in the next few days.
Hey, Republicans buy bacon too!!!
START ASKING THOSE QUESTIONS!
BONUS INCITE!!!
Natalie from our favorite Washington Bullets site: NEED4SHEED pointed out this pure madness!!!
Enjoy the gentle scowls of CWEbb Natalie!!!Labels: Agent Bog, Agent Zero, Gilbert Arenas, Press
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Saturday, January 13, 2007
Reminiscing Over Sticky Bacon Days of Yore, or, Getting Caught Up in the Webb
Watching the Wizards in those K-Tel Solid Gold Uniforms flailing awa Friday night against the NOK Hornets, one thought kept returning to my mind: Chris Webber is a free man! As part of their ongoing plan to shed all their good players while getting squadoosh in return, the Sixers bought out C-Webb's contract, and he's now enjoying a penalty-free timeout while assessing his options.
Sure, C-Webb appears headed back to Detroit, where he will attempt to win an NBA title in the face of unremitting enmity from every University of Michigan basketball fan, since his dalliances with booster Ed Martin basically destroyed their program to the point where a Dookie is coaching it.
And sure, like the song says, we don't need Chris Webber; we've got plenty of players, even if the one with actual post moves, Darius "I'm Like A Bird" Songaila, is chilling in the PR with Party John while his disc gets unherniated. So maybe we could use a premium version of the Songbird in our mighty sweep to the playoffs.
But the real reason to bring C-Webb back is redemption. Not for him; the offenses he committed against the law were petty crimes compared to the big-boy felonies now being thrown down by our giants of the hardwood. (By the way, Eddie Griffin crashed his SUV into a parked car because he was ballhandling while watching a porn DVD while driving drunk. Not that this is news, but the fact that it happened continues to delight me.) No, the redemption would be for us. The fans. And specifically, deez nutzz.
The last good Bullets team was that 1997-98 team with C-Webb, and Juwan, and Calbert Cheaney, and of course Darvin and Rod and Ledell and other players with whom we are all on a first-name basis. And what happened after that? The team got scattered to the four winds, and everyone started thinking it would be a good idea to bring in Salieri, and we signed a lot of players named Mike Smith. The attachments we formed with that team, rather than deepening as the then-Bullets ascended into their rightful place in the NBA pantheon, were shattered like so many Grant Hill ankles, and became just as useless.
Yet one of the strongest of those attachments could be rekindled by bringing C-Webb back. The past and the present, joined to lead us into the future! A future full of wins and bacon and arrests for possession!
Plus there are other benefits:
- Since Webs is now a hip-hop producer, having laid down the track for "Blunt Ashes" off Nas' Hip Hop Is Dead, he can doubtless lay down some Last Poets-style backing for Etan's various slam opuses, as well as turning in some less lyrically dense cameos
- If Chris returns to Washington, perhaps he'll have another date with this chick
- Mitch Albom could write a column about Webber returning to Detroit anyway, 'cause that's how he rolls
What are you waiting for, Grunz?
--posted by intern Rex Immensae Majestatis ChapmanLabels: Chris Webber, Rex Immensae Majestatis Chapman
posted by wizznutzz
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Friday, January 12, 2007
BREAKING NEWS!!!
DETROITBADBOYS.COM FORWARDS THIS SHOCKING SCOOP:
Fomrer Saginaw Mayor and Mother of Darvin WILMER JONES HAM CHARGED WITH ARSON AND FRAUD!!!
HAM SCAM!!!!!!!!!
Wizznutzz exlusive video:
Holy Honey Smoked Ham!!!
President Bush Recalls the Phillipines Minister for Agriculture
WE FORETOLD VIOLENCE IN 'THE SAGINAW CANDIDATE'!!!
News reports say Ms Ham's "HAndyman" Peter "Party" John Ramos first admitted to the arson saying he was smoking in the backseat of her car with a tub of lawn tool gasoline but authorities quickly doubted his story when PJ Ramos couldnt explain two things:
1. Why he had a queen of hearts card in his breast pocket
2. Why a former army General from North Korean gave Ramos' name to customs officials when he was stopped last week at Logan airport with a suitcase of 15 dead wallabies
In the video Wilmer supporters call for "MILLION HAM MARCH" while a white woman calls black people "fishy"!!!Labels: Ham, Video
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Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Sure MLK had a dream...
but did that dream have ...
a pre-orange Tim Legler and Jim Mcilvaine rapping?
Calbert Cheaney beatboxing?
The Spectacular Swags of C Webb AND Sheed AND Ben Wallace?
Robert Pack?
BOTH Prices?
Juwan Howard break dancing?
Ghitza poplocking?
Riddick Bowe?
Abe Pollin and Ahmad Rashaad and OMalley from the Alley throwing down?
Well my dream does!!!!!!!!
and Wizznutzz superfan J Denbo just emailed us to say...
someone has filmed it!!! (although our dream usually features an erotic steve blake/moomintroll dream sequence)
BEHOLD THE GLORY!!!!!!
Get the abdridged mp3 here!!
LIKE CHICO AND NILS, R&B BOY BAND "IMMATURE" R FIRST BALLOT WIZZNUTZZ HALL OF FAMERS!!!!Labels: Video
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AGNET ZERO BIRTHDAY BASH MEDIA SPECTACULAR!!
CLub Love Entrance
First Floor
Second Floor
The Iceman COmeth!!
More Iceman! Before the bodyheat melted it into a Kevin Duckworth ice sculpture!
Gil not 1st DC baller to have ice sculpture at a party. Mike Ruffin had one made for his 21st and placed live squirrels inside!! So when the ice thawed and released the squirrels, everyone knew THE PARTY WAS OVER!
DJ Booth
Agent Zero Goth-Realist Mural
Gilberts black Lamborghini! This car is so sweet it took a restraining order out on KIT from Knight Rider!!!
Agent Zero and charity girls from the Home for Battered Solid Gold Dancers!!
Gilbert rocking the two-tone suit!
Designed by Thelonius Monk!
Pleather=Pain!
Gilbert call "FInancial" says "I want Diddy".
Gilbert calls "Sartorial" and says, "dress me like HAPPY FEET!"
Gilbert not the only one sporting some black and white!
Looks like Busta got to them before he did!
COlors of Bennettons "Bruises of the World"
You think we r mean? Read these!
Gilbert and PUFF DIDDY
Gilbert and PUFFY DADDY!
BUSTA RHYMES!!
VIP ROOM! BACON SERVICE STARTED AT 4K!
AND dont forget Gils HALO Team FINAL BOSS was in the house.
They must have felt they had walked into a game of Leisure Suit Larry!
The Re-draw rate in Walshys pants is impressive!
Read their PARTY BLOG
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