First we need to touch on major scoop while watching bowl games at the Belmont TV in Wheaton: Gilbert Arenas has a cousin named Javier Arenas who plays football at Alabama and returns kicks for touchdowns in Petro-Bowl!! Javier's profile seems to suggest that there is a whole new untapped branch on the Arenas family tree, including cousins Jeno, Armando, and Jetta!!! This is an overwhelming incite and we are wondering why Agent Steinz didn't unearth this by now. Dana is busying modifying the Wizznutzz xmas cards list as we speak!
Speaking of which, we were originally going to send "Black Christmas" cards, but we could not trademark before Wilbon sold the naming rights to some movie producer. First Agent Zero, then this. Next thing you know, someone will be copyrighting the moomintroll! Luckily, Jaarko is currently enrolled in special patent class at University of Helsinki to prevent future trademarking snubs.
We are taking final stock of the holladaze here at Wizznutzz HQ and I would like to share the Wizznutzz gift list for the Bullets players and distended family. We were supposed to send these presents out two weeks ago, but I just found out that Ken has been in the mothering hut with them and says he is herpetically sealing all of the packages himself. So maybe we have to delouse them again before we mail.
Anyways, here is a small sample of what all of us at Wizznutzz HQ had on the wishlist for our favorite Wizz stars:
- Agent Zero to Sixty: What do you give the person that has everything? That's easy, but does it come in gold and black?
- Tuffjuice: The perfect gift for the junkyard dog of any family, an original LP single of the JYD's trademark song "Grab Them Cakes!!!!"
- Coach Eddie: Limited lithograph copy of article when "ReMax" Jerry Stax credited EJ as the reason he signed a contract extension!! Framed and signed by G Wiz and Stack!
- MRuff: Lifetime membership to Scary Squirrel Dot-Org!! the only institution that fears squirrels more than Michael does!
- Calbert Cheaney: On Calbert's behalf, we tried to convince Rex Chapman to give him back his Naismith award, which Rex won in a season-long game of bridge while roommates on road in historic 1993-1994 season. Rex played special prank by re-gifting Calbert the Naismith award that belongs to Sister Christian!! I bet you didn't even know Wizz had two Naismith award winners. We could have had Lionel Simmons, too, but he is allergic to bacon!
- James Lang: Bas-relief copy of his original 10-day contract with the Asheville Altitude!!
If you have any incites for gifts for the Wizz family, please post them in comments section! Maybe Ken will have them sent out by February.
Michael Jordan runs another franchise into the ground!
What was the final straw i wonder? The gambling? The adultry? The vampirism? The endless "fishing trips" with Doug Collins?
Even though MJ has blown through most of the family money, He and Juanita Dixon Jordan still have many assets to divvy up, like houses, cars, Tyronne Lue...
Wizznutzz will soon return from holiday detention this weekend and are gathering incites around our ankles like they were NBA babies (HAppy BDAY IZela!) or NBA Pants (What is this rash Greg Ballard??).
mEANTIME the Wizards R burning faster that a gasoline-soaked monk! If they beat OLand tonite, they will be first DC team in 1st place this late in seazon since that lumbering campionship Meander-thal: the 78-79 Bullets!!!
With division crown wizards get home court advantage = Damon Jones drowned face down in the Tidal Basin!!!
Also last few days to get 20% discount Tees at the maybe not glitchyanymore MOTHERINGHUT!! Tees flying out the door!!! Send us action fotos of you in your new shirts! SOmebody even bought a"foreskin" shirt! send us a foto! Of shirt AND foreskin (for mothering hut "skins of fame" wall!)
Caron talks about his new chef "Christopher" who used to simmer down baked beans for Patrick Ewing during ":The Year of Magical Thinking" aka Ewings stint as assistanmt coach of Les Boullez! We love C-BUTZ and we cannot lie! he sdays he eats "things out of the water" in his new "regime"!!
While we are quietly eating holiday yule meats, Intern Auguist Strindberg never rests. Here is a Letter to City Paper that they refused to run!!!
Attention: Editor Washington City Paper
December 17, 2006
Sirs,
I write to bitterly protest the suggestion, as tendered in the (12/15) "Cheap Seats" column of your forsaken periodical, that I am not real. I assure you that this is, however regrettably, a damned feint. I am real, and I do not require the florid confirmations of your penny dreadful to make it so. I am as real as the astringent sting of absinthe in my throat. I am as real as the waking fatigue that reminds me once more of the woeful stalemate that is my godless enterprise. And I am as real as the desiccated crumbs of breakfast egg that decorate my fetid overcoat. Your charge, on the other hand, is as phony as hope's romance. Your principal source, "James Morris", is a fraud and a rank liar. He claims a lifelong allegiance to Washington's Bullets and its New World Wizards. But I have met this man James, and I have stared into his eyes, and I did not see suffering. And if any man knows suffering, it is either a Swedish man, or a man who barracks for the theatre of cruelty that is our local basketball franchise. Alas, I can count both these whores as my bed-mates. In the care of your halfwit scribe David McKenna, any remaining truths find themselves in the hands of an eager masseuse. And as the late Red Auerbach pressed: "A man can knead all the buttocks he wants, but he's never going to work out the aches of his shame."
Ruefully,
August Strindberg Playwright Intern, Wizznutzz.com
We look forward to the holidays here. Ken has set up a one-man "nativity scene" in the mothering hut that makes Mel Gibson look like Nora Ephron! Our good mate ANdrew Gaze is staying with us for the holidays and he is sharing real australian holiday traditions like vegemite halfsmokes, and watching Reckless Kelly, and playing "sticky wickets" , and not apologizing to aborigines, and singing our favorite XMas carol:
SIX WHITE BOOMERS!!!!
.
WHATTA week for the Wizards!!! I havnt seen so much STREAKBUSTING since PG County police issued summons to Unsilent Majority for his naked concession runs!!!
First Agent 0 goes for SIXTY vs Lakers and Kobe snipes "Gilbert has no conscience!"
And who are U Kobe? Raskolnikov?
Da nerve of this guy!!!! of all people, Kobe is KING OF BAD TOUCHES!!! and thats not even counting basketball!!!
The Gilbert finsihes the road trip with 54 in amazing ESPN win in phoneix.
He did it in the gold and black alternate uniforms, and in those clothes we give him alternate nickname:
THE COPPERTOP(tm) "Now You're Playing With Power!"
Gil turns to coach Mike D'Antonio and pipes "GET THEE TO A SNUBBERY!! and then sings the GReek national anthem!!
The whole team cashed up for the winz. Caron BRUBAKER Butler was inspiring and pliant. Antwan aka "offense is the best defense" dropping more runners than zola budd. I think wizards season will turn on who will outscore who: Gilbert Arneas or whartever guy an a given night is dunking on ANtwan!
And Is there anything better than Bill Walton announcing a wizards game? It is best commentary ive heard since a confused Charleston Heston wandered from his house down to the dog track at Huntington Beach and bellowed:
"All who thirst for freedom may come with us. Come On Lucy, Scooby Flyer, Battlestar Exacta: the shadow of death will pass over us tonight, and tomorrow we will see the light of freedom. "
Watching Bill Walton call a game reminds me of that experiment you do in school when you power a radio using a potato!!!
And then on SPORTSCENTER ESPN achor drops "AGENT ZERO" name! Viva La TAKEover! Long live the Black Presidente!
That means you can get sweet shirts this week for as little as $12!!!!
Also fyi "lightweight tshirts" are really fruit of looms "heavy cotton" so lightweight frame, but heavyweight attitude, like Awvee Storey!!!! They make for a nice shirt, (though if u got Maury Chaykin manboobs u may want to go thicker!)
Also Some people have found small glitch in site where says "shop not active or timed out" if this happens just hit refresh a few times or try again and will work. The cassette in our TRS80 hard drive is full and we r working on it!
A Furious Dispatch From Our Intern August Strindberg!
The frauditity is fraudulent, much like the she-succubus who lures one into her she-void with muttony aromas only to bestow a lifetime of soiled overcoats. I speak of course of this Morris James sham, a rotting embryo of manhood. His incites are blind, his nicknames are nickel-plated, and his overcoat knows not the stench of Strickland. Why, this newcomer carpetbagging Johnny-come-lately could not even hoist a cheeseboot, even if said cheeseboot were to be emptied of cheese.
A flare has been fired and the crystals embedded in our palms are aglow -- all interns must assemble, from all corners of the globe and Silver Spring.
I mounted a steed in Norra Begravningsplatsen and rode like the wind, until the furious saddle chafing aggravated a bed sore. Infection set in and I was forced to stop in Vilnius, where Brother Nesby rubbed a soothing balm (two parts coca, one part bacon grease) into my throbbing loins. I remounted, but my decaying nag broke down in Caucus Mountains and I had no choice but to crawl within her fetid carcass for protection from the harsh winds of the steppe.
It is from within from said carcass that I write now, but August is not vanquished! I have not felt such vim since my youth, since dark Sabrina, she of the bangles and curls and chlamydia! I will soon reach Landover, joining my brethren Jarkko, Dana, Chenier's Ghost, all my mates-in-arms, and justice shall be ours! Our overcoats shall be splattered with the blood of the infidel, and Buckhantz will insert the final dagger.
---
Ride fast August! Tie up your horse at Spencers Gifts!
Throw it up y'all, throw it up, Throw it up Let's show these fools how we do this on that west side Cause you and I know it's tha best side!!!!!
GILBO FRAGGINS DROPS 60 ON ANDREW BYNUM AND THE MARVELOUS KBs!!!!
60!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that bounces Salieri's franchise record out of the building where it belongs, plus 60 point surpasses career points of James Lang... total points. including Hi Skool!
The big Three are walking all over peeps like theyz Ultraman, The Jolly Green Giant, and Cecil Rhodes!! Meantimes Melo My Yello Melee in Gotham !
Our boy Jared Jeffries wrangles Melo by the throat like hes hoisting a Nassau grouper out of the deep blue!
Did you see Melo's Brendan Haywood impression??? No ones backed up that fast in New York since Lizzie Grubman! Melos got about as much WestBaltimore street cred right now as Sammy Sosa in silks!
Zeke explores trading Nate Rob to Cambodian Midget Fighting League for precious stones and a live boar!!!!
Cut Jarvis??!!! Dont hate the constable!! (hes not even allowed to carry gunzz!)
WHERE IS BUFFY? Wizz cheerleader goes missing! Where is she? Did you try the place where all former wizz dancers end up? Thats right, OTOWN: The Charles Oakley Carwash! "He Bathe Me" (TM)
And as u know Agent 0 goodnightmoonlights as a pro HALO team GM and had to do recently hardest thing for a GM to do: cut a player!!! Ryan 'Saiyan' Danford got short straw cuz word is he was Rod Strickland of HALO: old and uncommitted with a weak stomach. He only plays 17 hours a day!! DREAMER! Still its the unkindest cut. Actually unkindest cut is when Salieri circumcized Kwame Brown on draft night but this is second unkindest cut!
Friday, December 15, 2006
Everybody suddenly wants on the Agent Zero bandwagon!
Thats funny No one wanted on the DUCKWAGON(tm) and dont tell me it was cuz Chris Hitchens was drunk behind the wheel or cuz trhere was a naked guy curled up where the spare wheel should be.
Now a guy called "James" claims he is Jonny Wizznutzz all of a sudden and goes on City Paper for grotesque greed power grab not seen since Salieri stole Ed Rush's prize whore.
YEs we know james once, like absantee father, all promises. he says he founds wizznutzz just because he had his brothers Colecovision and played summerball with a droll spotshooter called August Strindberg and yes he gave us "seed money" and I know Jaarko blew it it on "Magic Bacon Seeds" but that dont mean that the "summer" of our internship is an Endless Summer. I know you helped Ken Beatrice at customs when he had human leg bone in his fanny pack but lemme say that 2 pair of Harvey Grant Gameworns in a a manilla prison envelope is not a 401K plan! I asked FInancial!
Sure u posted inspirational Cristopher Cross Lyrics: "The canvas can do miracles Just you wait and see" on door to the Mothering Hut but insirpation dont clear up blood everymorning
You have no beard. and You have no incites.
"This has been a thrill, a total blast." "That blew us away"
You call those Incxites? Those arent incites! I overhear better incites ordering hot chips on Ocean city boardwalk. You steal our incites. You go on radio with Bram Weinstein bribing him with sex aids, you steal "Virgin Petes Prayer Jerky" from us and now its #1 religious lunchable in dominican republic!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The only reason you even started the wizznutzz web was for Tax Haven, so you can deduct Schedule F for Agricultural Business. I saw the forms, you itemized Dana as "Nonviable Livestock"!!!
Maybe we fold up wizznutzz better than be MULES. Maybe you would rather not here the words we write on site, but hear instead words:
"My Name is AUgust Strindberg and Im a CVS Pharmacist"
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Man with the Wiz having a few down time days youd think theyd spend it hiding in the shadows like an Ipswich prostitute but NO! the offcourt japes go into high gear!!!
The locals were thrilled to see their heros! Some of the locals werent so thrilled!! A few of them remember the charity bus from 1999 and yelled
"YO is STRICKLAND ON THAT BUS???!!!? I got a present for Strickland right here!"
Thats Edutainment!!
This is best time of year for Wizards franchise. In offseason Abe tells braintrust: get me a charity army! Thats why the Ike Austin trade. Thats why James Lang so confused after preseason tryout when he is asked to stay after practice and carve meats!
Some hi-lites of Awesome story:
1. The are "lots of kids roaming around with "Agent 0" t-shirts"
Cheap counterfeit Agent 0 Tees are like the new Camel-cash clothing for poor people fashion!!! Soon Angelina Jolie be throwing them off the van by the crate in MUMBAI!
2. "Antawn had two kids in his arms outside the apartment, and Abe Pollin was chatting with Kisha..."
"Santa chased Michael Ruffin's three-year-old son Javon around the yard. "C'mere you little Ruffian"
When ABe Pollin aka Mister Drummond and his henchman Wes Unseld aka "SANTA funnyHANDS" come to the ghetto the kids know to run! run run run! They know the sack is soon to follow. They call Abe and Wes "The Gobblers" cuz when they roll by kids "getting scholarships" aka disappearing for good!!!
3. "Look, he a monster," one kid said about G-Wiz. "No he's not," a woman said.
"Yes I am," said GWiz quietly
4.Best of ALL!!!!
"When the Wizards fans saw someone else; "Darvin Ham!" someone said!!!! "Wait, did someone just say Darvin Ham?" I asked. They were pointing at Michael Ruffin. His arms were filled with presents. I was trying to stop laughing. I asked if he's gotten that before. "What, Darvin Ham?" he said. "Yeah. Yup." "Why don't you tell them who you are?" I asked. "They'll figure it out sooner or later," he said. "Who keeps talking about Darvin Ham?" I asked the fans. "That's my man!" one fan said. "You played for Duke, didn't you?" he asked Ruffin. "I'm not Darvin Ham," Ruff said.
HAHAHAHAHA ITs easy to remember kids:
Ruffin is the big hearted, undersized bench man who is a dreadfully afriad of squirrels
while Darvin is the big hearted, undersized bench man who is the former Minister of Agriculture for the Phillipines! !!!
AND WHILE THE BOYZ WERE OUT PLAYING....
It's a baby boom for the Washington Wizards. Three of the team's women-behind-the-men are currently great with child: Antawn Jamison 's wife, Ione; Gilbert Arenas 's girlfriend, Laura Govan; and assistant general manager Milt Newton's wife, Shalaun....
On Friday, the three were celebrated in fabulous NBA-wife style with a lavish baby shower thrown by Charrisse Jackson Jordan (wife of Coach Eddie Jordan) and Keisha Booth (wife of center Calvin Booth) at the Jordans' Potomac home.
(Tho Keisha Booth was just their for support. She found out she cant have children ever since the Doctors sat her down and told her:
"Your husband is in fact a giant wooden cigar-store indian, Mrs Booth.")
Also at the babymama shower there were Laura Govans legal team: "Rothchild, Waterman, and Hibachi"!!!!
Lots of formewr players sent presents to the ladies:
Rod Strickland sent in giftwrapped baby vienna sausgaes...
Sister Christian Laetner send it some Kiehls groomning products on behalf of the Church of Machosensual Sciences...
Brevin Knight passed out Bellini gift certficiates...
And Brendan Haywoods girlfriend gave each mom-to-be some fancy pink, silk lingerie but OMG so embarrassed when Ione Jamison squealed cuz she noticed brown marks on hers and horrified Countess Von Skidmarck screamed "BREEEENNNDAN!!!!"
Also Susan O'Malley showed up "pregnant" . Her belly wasnt real (her blouse was stuffed with Mitch Richmond bobbleheads) but her tears were, and her runningmakep gathered on her cheeks like dew in the cold mornings of ambition. "IM a Mommy Too!!!!" she cried and the girls took pity on her and gave her a bathrobe and a double scotch.
The the girls too a break from the japes:
They did, however, take a moment to pay tribute to those who made it all possible -- flipping on the TV to watch their men stun the 76ers, 113-98. "They would all cheer, 'That's my baby! That's my boo!' " one lucky guest told us. "Then they clicked it off and went back to partying."
If Keisha Booth was yelling those things it must have been a 20-second timeout!!!
Then they opened the rest of the presents. When Laura Govan opened a gift from Coache's wife, it was an adorable little toddler bumble-bee costume!!! AWWWWW so cute! yelled the girls but laura shook her head
"Gilberts not gonna let me bring this in the house. These kind of baby animal suits freak him out. You should see him. he chases Izela Semaya around the house sometimes yelling 'Im Anne Geddes! Im Anne Geddes! Anne Geddes gonna getcha!' til the poor thing is screaming. Gilbert had it tough growing up you see. When he was younger, he remember being forced into a little panda suit. Jahidi White need 4 guys to help hold him down while they did it on the back of the team bus. hes never forgotten that."
The big question going around wizznutzz HQ these days is:
What will Agent 0 call his new baby???
Word is Laura chose "Izela" and deal is Gil gets to name #2. On top of his list right now:
For a boy: GOEMON! and if its a girl; Princess Toadstool!!
Hope on the comments and give Gil some suggestions!
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
SO a normal quiet day at the offices yesterday. Strindberg dropped by and modelled 4 us the vintage Ocean Pacific courderoy shorts he just got on eBay. It was very Magnum PI in an end of the world sort of way! Then suddnely a fax comes over late last night and HOLY JEFF MALONEY if it isnt signed by exiled former intern CHENIERS GHOST!!! Why "former intern"?? well where to begin. First he had lazy incites, second he started to Tell Ken that he didnt have to live life curled in a mothering hut in the stock room of a circuit city and that kind of talk only gives Ken a "loose mind" and makes his fragile identity that we built up throiugh ruthless discipline fall apart like warm Kraut tumbles to the cold concourse bitumen from an executive frank! Then we find out Cheniers Ghost is working for Holocaust Museum whoich is fine till we find out the museum is in his basement! And finally, he gives secret evidence for prosecution in Mace Webber trial and thats the last straw, and we say "Cheniers Ghost, turn in your beard!" but he doesnt and runs out into the wheaton plaza parking lot aka "exile". Its like regular workplace politics, you know how it is right??
Anyway, the we read the FAX and it explodes our minds, and here it is for you as it was for us:
"Gang, I know I have no right to be contacting you in this way. You always treated me great and I think sometimez i dont derserve this old special beard I keep in my pocket . But let me say I had to run to find out myself who I am and I keep this beard to remind me that maybe one day I can hope to redeem myself for you once again. Well I have done something extreme that I hope will make you proud and maybe start to build a bridge to walk back to you a man, a bridge made of bacon and trust.
You will be reading tomoorow in DC SPorts Bog and Withleather.com about last night and the historic launch of the new GIL ZEROs in New York and about a "rogue intern" and some of it is truths and some of it is more assembled lies that a Jim Lynam resume. I wanted to send this out to tell you my story, to tell you WHAT REALLY HAPPENED LAST NIGHT that washington post editors wont allow.
SO yesterday morning i read that Gils gonna be in NBA store in NYC and I go down to Chitown and buy a roll of toilet paper and grab me a $10 one-way ride on the SARS Xpress. When i get in I am met by Matt from Withleather blog and Agent Steinz. Steinz and I laugh because we are both wearing XXL Rasheed Wallace Bullets jerseys but he also has pants. We are all hungry after the trip so Steinz says he heard a rumor at the paper that because new york just announced ban on Trans Fats that Outback Steakhouse flagship store in NYC has to go thorugh 3 years supply of cooking oils by next spring and so bloomin onions are going 5 for a buck! and not only that but now everything on the menu is "bloomin" now they even have Bloomin Pumpkins! But this turns out not true, so I say to guys, followe me to an old friend! and i take them to 51st and West 9th where Tyrone Nesby is still running his popular hot dog cart!TNez gives us free dogs and we get to talking and when he hears we are going to see Agent zero he gets excited and says "Man the TAKEOVER! Man thats cool. Wish Gil well on the Takeover. I'm down with all that. He can takeover everything, serious. The whole world, but tell him to leave Vilnius for me HAHAH. No seriously, if comes and tries to take over VTown its gonna be a dog fight. Gils gonna have a damn Boer War on his hands."
And then TNes starts freestylin Rakim's "New York New York" in Lithuanian and we roll away still warm with the meats of male companiosnhip.
We still have some time to kill. What should we do now says Steniz? Matt says he always wanted to do the "Real Kramer Tour" taking that bus to all the Seinfeld places, but Steniz says no ones seen the real Kramer since his bus was attacked last week by a the "Real Van Cortlandt Rangers" in SoBro. So Matt says "You want a Kramer tour Ill give you a Kramer tour" and starts droppin N-Bombs on the F Train.
When we stopped running we get thirsty and go to a joint I know called the 'Variety Cafe' where the owners always lets me drink Bud tall tinnies at the table long as they got the red PAID sticker on em. Suddenly Steinz cellfone starts ringing and his eyes bug out cuz the ring tone is Whodini's "Friends" which means AGENT ZERO himslef is on the line!!! Agent Steinz asks us "Quick what are some questions I can ask Gil" and there are so many great questiuons to ask Zero like:
"Have you ever wrestled Susan OMalley?" or
"If Clark Kent works at Daily Planet, and Peter parker works at Daily Bugle, does Agent 0's alter ego work at the City Paper?" or
"Is a dogs soul really shaped like a sausage?"
but with Steinz there on the curb outside Variety my mind goes blinkity blank.!
After Steniz is off the phone and we are hifiving and goosesteppin down 5th ave like Laverne and 2 Shirleys and Im like "OK its almost 6 lets get to the NBA store and stake out a spot" and the guys are like "cool" but then Matts like "I gotta break a dollar, lets go into Playland porn palace real quick" and thats cool with me , Steinz and I figure we can look to see if we can catch MJ abusing some dominican whorez. But no Salieri in site, so while Matts with the change dude, Im like Hey Steinz lets go in this thing called a 'Buddy Booth' and hes like Cool that sounds like a place for two pals to chill out and wait for a buddy, so we go in separate doors and its dark and then next thing I know this wall slides up and I see a sight that would even bring tears to the eyes of "Virgin pete" Ramos!!!! It was like being in the mothering hut again, but being in the mothering hut with Harvey Keitel!!!
Finally we get over to the NBA store. We got some time to kill so Im checking out the gear and the joint is filled with torists and muscle and the security dudes start hassling me. It turns out they have this policy at NBA store:
"You try on Richard jefferson fleece warmups, you put block of cream cheese in pocket of the warmups, you pay."
They got Gil Zero stuff all over and theres a crowd and I slip on my fake beard and try and act cool cuz NBA store has me on a blacklist from the time Rod Strickland was autographing and I presented him with a authentic 1977 Phil Chenier half-smoke to sign in mustard. How wuz I to know he would eat it and retard his insides 4 life???
Steinz had media credenmtials, but turns out they wont accpet Cap Centre "Budweisr Superfest" credentials at NBA store, so only Steniz gets right up close to agent zero. He told us later gil smelled like "sweet creation". I snapped some pics of Steniz sniffing zero:
I got in thee autohgraph line with my cheeseboot and a guy says "you cant have that cheeseboot signed son, you have to buy something adidas" so I drop 90 black presidents on some size 14 Zeros and Im waiting in line, and im getting closer and closer to Gil! And i start getting real nervous... I have so many things I want to say to him, like "why are your kicks low tops Gil, did adidas run out of posssum?" And what should I get him to write? I want it to be perfect, I want my meeting with Gil to be something spoecial. I didnt want to go Free Darko and regret it later. I want to do something spectacular. SO I think back to you guys. I think this is my chance to redeem myself, to earn back my beard! I think "WHAT WOULD THE WIZZNUTZZ DO???!!!! And then i think of Borat. Cause I know the wizznutzz love Borat. Fermented horsse urine, naked man wrestling, child prostitution? Damn thats just the first sentence of basic wizznutzz Steve Blake post. And then I think of the sack I have in my backpack. The sack I carry with me in case I ever find Salieri i can cut off his head and bring it back to DC to display as a warning to greedy drifters to stay away. I would take Salieris head and put it on a tall stick someplace on the beltway or the potomac. Maybe at the Newseum.
And then I see what I have to do ...
and that I have to do it NOW ...
and I rush forward...
------------
WE R BURSTING WITH PRIDE When u r out of jail COME HOME CHENIERS GHOST, COME HOME!!
Read Agent Steniz and Withleathers censored accounts of last night:
Saturday, December 02, 2006
WizzNutzz Exclusive!!! That means hands off, SCOOPJACKSON!!! The Takeover continues!! Gilbert Arenas now in talks with legendary French film company PATHE to make a film!!! The movie is based on the life of a basketball player who suffers from REM Behavior Disorder and spends his nights acting as secret agent who enters the video game world of Halo II to fight the supervillian organization the Covenant, which is trying to break out of the fourth dimension by sacrificing Mario, Luigi, Banjo and Kazooie, whose mixture of Italian and anthromoporphic blood will open a portal to modern-day Earth, allowing their leader, Brute Chieftain Tartartus, to rule the planet!!! (Little known fact: This is the same way Isiah Thomas took over the New York Knicks organization!!! Zeke was dating Princess Toadstool, and during one particularly violent evening he jumped on her head and she exploded into a million gold coins, one of which was the key to a secret vault in Madison Square Garden, where Isiah found a stash of compromising nude photos of King Bowser Koopa -- a.k.a. James Dolan! MYSTERY SOLVED!!!!)
When Agent Zero enters Haloworld, he's joined by his trusty though diarrhetic sidekick, Agent Moomintroll, a Finnish mercenary whose main superpower comes from the tail that he holds in his paws and rubs and rubs and rubs until a white, salty, bacon-scented liquid squirts out, rendering his victims incapacitated and thoroughly disgusted!!!
But Brute Chieftain Tartartus is a smart monster, and he knows Gilbert's alter ego is Agent Zero thanks to the 20,000 counterfeit T-shirts that have made their way into the market!!!! But Gilbert is always one step ahead because he never sleeps, so he's already come up with a different secret identity: AGENT HIBACHI!!! Unfortunately, he told WashTimes about new nickname, and Tartartus just so happens to be one of the paper's 27 subscribers!!!! So Tartarus used a needlepoint sketch artist and came up with this illustration of what Agent Hibachi might look like: Slap me with a moist gameworn!!!! That thing's practically a Chuck Close!!!!
We can't wait to see how Agent Zero Hibachi's secret-agent movie pans out. Maybe it can be a double feature at the drive-in withWho Shot Mamba?
Meanwhile, a happy 83rd birthday to Abraham Lincoln Pollin (shown in center, with Rod Grizzard and some other dudes.) The Very Reverand Rabbi Abe Pollin is owner of the Bullets, and he's also D.C.'s No. 1 philanthropist, the former star of Different Strokes, current star of Harry Potter, chief investor in the Wes Unseld Invitro Farm, and inventor of the wrongly maligned mascot named Basket. Many happy returns, Mr. P!
Friday, December 01, 2006
I've got to admit that since we interns were moved from the Daily Bacon cubicle to the Bailey's Crossroads Circuit City, it's been difficult to be very productive. Ken is always hogging the Colecovision and claims he is "modding" Agent Zero in Halo II online, while we all know he is really just staring at Congo Bongo. But since everyone was so excited about the Damon Jones ejection a few weeks back, I decided to take it upon myself to proactively (and suggestively!) probe a little deeper into the background of this pansexual nemesis of the Wizz.
Early in my research, I discovered that Damon Jones not only has elaborate gender issues, but he also has an elaborate web presence! His fascinating use of the .biz URL suffix is probably only trumped by his annointment of Royal Ivey as the NBA's best dancer in his blog!!
Q: Name an NBA player who would be a good candidate for "Dancing With The Stars." A: [Atlanta guard] Royal Ivey. He's an awesome dancer. Because he doesn't have a huge name, everyone doesn't know his background. But he spent six years in dance school in upstate New York before going to the University of Texas.
While playing college ball at Houston, Damon became heavily involved in musical theater. Damon worked his way up the ranks tirelessly, eventually serving patiently as an understudy to the role of Annie, popularized by Ethel Merman, in a summer stock production of Annie Get Your Gun. His big break came when lead actor Shelly Rothstein was unable to perform and Damon got to make his onstage debut in August 1997. Damon does not have as much time for studying librettos these days, but Cleveland fans have been beckoning him to take up a summer residency with the local repertory theater. They have even taken to booing his athletic accomplishments on the homecourt hardwood!
Maybe Damon dot-Biz can leave the NBA behind and bring equal parts Royal Ivey and Bob Fosse to life in a stirring contemporary remake of the Pajama Game! It is well-documented how much the Queen James enjoys opulent ornamentation and an extravagant new-Ohio high-handed lifestyle, so perhaps Dot-Biz can give birth to a new age of Ziegfeld's Follies by the smoldering shores of the Cuyahoga. But he is not a one-trick pony. Alas, Damon Dot-Biz is a renaissance man. A renaissance man in the traditional DaVinci sense, not the DeVito sense.
It is well-documented that Dot-Biz is heavily interested in fashion. In fact, he even refers to himself as "Specialist Beau Brummel" and is known to flaunt perfectly starched linens and elaborately tied cravats around the Cleveland locker room. Cleveland owner Dan Gilbert (founder of "Biz-dom U" - they are a natural pair!) was widely quoted off-record after the signing of Dot-Biz that he was hoping to unite Damon with the Queen and usher in a new age of dandyism in Cleveland.
Of course, Dot-Biz first developed a name for himself as a clotheswhores while playing for the Miami Heat, during which time he regularly made appearances at Esteban Cortezar's swanky fashion shows. Damon was drawn to the look, which is described as "flamenco dancer goes Hollywood"!! Putting the Biz back in dot-biz, he even reacted to Yao Ming's international appeal by launching his own line of Chinese footwear. He thinks he is a trendsetter, but he forgets about Ike Austin's endorsement of General Tzo. And for those of you non-fashionable types who may need some wardrobe advice, Damon says that he hates cashmere scarves for this winter season as much as the stout bitch hates headbands.
Yes, it's clear that dot-biz's love for fashion is only rivaled by his loves of musical theater and emerging talents in the dilettante scene. On a positive note for Wizz fans, at least when dot-Biz gets ejected, we do not run the risk of seeing him sexually marginalized on the Verizon floor again by the Queen.
She is more erotically punishing to her servants than Catherine the Great was to her mules!!
