All hell breaks loose in SOuth Beach! Awvee Storey runs into traffic, Gilbert says "not without my daughter!", crowd screams "Hey look thats Gilbert Arenas! His butler has run into the street!" COPs shackle the President, Jared Jeffries drops to his knees and screams "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" but nobody hears him because Jared is in Vietnam with his dad on a summer trip and his dad has just sold him into a game of russian roulette for 10000 DOng!!!
"Hey Pops what are you doing, lets get out of here really im scared" "Di-Di MAO!! Di-Di MAO!!" "I dont know what that means Dad! The war is over dad, Please can we leave I dont like this!" "MAO! MAO!" SO WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!
Now knee jerk sports analists all over are slamming gilbert for saying "Im a basketball player you cant arrest me" taking his quote totally out of context, and Mike and Mike aka espns CHUBB AND CHASER radio duo giving Agent 0 the "just shut up award" - eff you windchumps, you have knee jerk incites, you only have 10 opinions in life and they are on a revolving sports Viewmaster(tm) and you just rotated the viewmaster to the picture that says "I HATE YOUNG BLACK MILLIONAIRES"
QUESTIONS:
1st of all, its 3 am Gilbert, shouldnt you be at home playing HAlo???!!!
Second, "Im not leaving my teammate"???? What does he think this is, Red Dawn??? Its Awevee Storey!! Hes not your temmamte 4 much longer! in 2 weeks hes gonna be Lil' Reggie's teammate busboying at Appleebees!
What does Gilbert think this is some '06 Bonnie and CLyde shit??:
Look for me! Young, RV Cruisin down the westside - high, way Doing what we like to do - our, way But today, I got my shortest Storey wit me I'm mashin the gas, he's grabbin the wheel, it's trippy how hard He rides with me - the new Bobby and Whitney Only time we don't speak is during "West WIng" He gets Presidential fever, but soon as the show is over He's right back to being my soldier Cuz Miami's a rider, and I'm a roller Put us together, how they gon' stop both us? What ever he lacks, I'm right over his shoulder When I'm off track Miami is keepin me focused So let's, lock this down like it's supposed to be The '06 Bonnie and Clyde, Zee' and RV
Gilbert dont you know Bonnie and Clyde didnt end well? Warren Beatty got shot full of holes, and Faye Dunnaways fate was even worse, she married rock star Peter Wolf in 1974. A teenaged Jeff Ruland felt betrayed, and burned his J Geils denim jacket!!!!
Third: "Resisting Without Violence" What kind of charge is that? If that was a real law theyd have evidence on Brendan Haywood to lock him away for life! These r the kind of crap laws that cops are cracking down on ever since SHAQ muscled Gundy Van Sapien aka SGT BARGEARSE out of town and became sherriff!!
FOurth question: Will the Black President pardon himself??
Was he up 5 days straight with Agent Zero and zero winks playing Grand Theft Auto Vice City and thought he was still in the game simulacrum and could just boost a car?
Maybe he was trying to escape??? Was Agent Zero keeping him prisoner? We know Gilbert has a history of violence against RV, like when he hosed him down on the crapper and when he drop kicked him for laughs. What was that all about? I say NO to prisoner theory, i think Gilbert was hazing RV or was just flirting with him in his Chikity Choko the Chocolate Chicken the Real Coq Diesel ways, because Gil would look to RV sitting there with the DNP dancers on the GROUP W bench with his 10 day contract and Gilbert developed a sweet old SNUB CRUSH on short Storey!!!
SIxth: Is it true reports that say Gilbert had a massive maze of tattoos on his back and maybe this was like the show Prison Break and he had mapped out the escape in a tattoo to free Tru Wariors Chico Debarge and Rod Strickland?? No truth on this one says Miami PD, they say Chico and Rod are not in their jails and that Miami CSI checked the tattoos and they are actually the complete cheat codes for Banjo Kazooie . WHo knows the truth? I know the truth that in the Big House its better to be a 'BAnjo' than A 'Kazooie' if u know what Im saying!
WHO KNOWS WHAT GOING DOWN IN SOW BEACH???
One man knows
Thats right if anyone knows the criminal streets of Miami its GILBERT ARENAS SENIOR, former Miami Vice extra and current deep-cover very-plain clothes volunteer detective.
We have talked about Gilbert Seniors crime fighting ways in startling incites
Heres what Gil Senior had to say when we contacted him:
"OK first of all , I'm not going to say on the record that this is corruption, but like they say, 'If it smells like a duck...' and this one stinks. All I know is, if they were serious about this they would have ordered some speedboats. We all know this isn't about a couple of basketball players. This goes deeper than that. This goes to the drug lords, this goes all the way to Calderone. And anybody who knows a jai alai about Miami crime knows if you are going to bring down a drug lord, you're gonna need you some speedboats. They will deny it, but I'm on the case, deep cover. So deep sometimes I don't even know my own name. I'm gonna bring Calderone down. I can feel it coming in the air tonight oh Lord. Ive been waiting for this moment, all my life. It's gonna be like a Michael Mann movie you know, just two men locked in a battle, the hunter and the hunted. No wives, no girlfriends, no room for complications, because we are two men with a destiny like two uncaged animals. Two strong, cunning men, mano a mano, man on man. I will track Calderone through the streets, my streets, through the seediest back alleys of Miami. He will feel the hot weight of me bearing down behind him. I can see the sweat running down his back, breathing deep, the sole spotlight from a police chopper illuminates the steam rising of our full, dark lips. I can smell him, he knows whats coming, he's teased me but now he knows what's coming, I track him to the abandoned high school, through the halls, to the men's room. We are in the men's room now, I look under the stalls, I see nothing. But the hunt is reaching its end, I am swollen with anticipation. I kick open the first stall. Nothing. My nostrils flare. I kick open the second stall - nothing. The third, the fourth, my heart quickens. Finally just one final door stands between me and my flushed man quarry. I push the door open with my barrel. "Turn around" "You'll never take me"....
Just as Gil Sr guessed, The Miami PD does deny it!!!!!
"Mister Arenas is in no way affiliated with the Miami Police Department. He does not work in any capacity for any recognized law enforcement organization, now or ever. "Ronaldo Stubbs" is not an officer with the Vice Squad. Ronaldo Stubbs is not a real person. If the Miami Police Department was undertaking an undercover operation at this, or any other time, it would certainly not involve a 300 pound black man in pastel capris. Miami is a colorful place and Arenas is a big, colorful, guy. The tourists love his stories, and the kids like to see him talking into that big broken cellphone. But he knows the rules around here, NO police scanners, and NO hanging about in the public toilets."
Sunday, May 28, 2006
HOLY POTTED MEAT!!! We at WizzNutzz love to use Memorial Day weekend as a time to reflect on the dead soldiers who are no longer with us: C Webb, Ben & Sheed Wallace, Lorenzo Williams. We pour a couple of 40s in the Mothering Hut, pick at the Cheese Boot and share gas-grilled bacon -- which we promptly spit out when this text message came blazing across our ESPN Deportes Cell Phone: "El Agente Cero y Awvee Storey Arrestado en Miami !!!" Much more on this breaking story after we learn Spanish!!!
posted by wizznutzz OUR FAMOUS MOTHERING HUT T-SHIRTS PERMALINK |
Thursday, May 25, 2006
So incites will be slow here for a while though we have enormous offseason plans and will be waking up at 3am practicing our incites like gilbert. we suffer too. In next couple weeks we will wrap up season and look at offseason plans and have special preview of the Summer of Chico!!!
Monday, May 22, 2006
'All The Presidents Men' was a sweet movie about scoops and deep throat (no donyell marshall jokes please!) but not many people know it was remake of another silent classic.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
OK so we havnt had much to say since Game 6 when damon jones reached up and pulled off our testicles.
For last week i stabbed a fork in my eye and left it in , this way people wouldnt ask mne "Why are you screaming on the bus?" they would see the fork and say ahh the fork! and go about their business. Also, my grandpa always taught me the lesson:
"If you dont have something nice to say, dont say anything at all"
but like LeBron james, my Grandpa was a nasty whore so i got testimony to give!!!
KING BAD TOUCH
SO as we know the series was a great fought campaign, and Agent Zero and the Queen dueled it out and everyone was being loved and there were smiles on the court, and then even thou he got bested in game 5, Zero even went into the Cavs soap stable to playfully tease LeBron and everyone was amazed by this maybe because ESPN doesnt program its robots to recognize "personality" , and then game 6 and its back and forth and back and forth and Zero calmy drills a 90-footer like an autistic assassin and the battle spills into OT and then Gilbert has two foul shots to seal the game and he misses the first but we know #2s a gimme, and Gils at the line in his special head place that he goes to when out of no where Queen james walks over and plops his mitt on Zeros chest.
WOAH DO MY EYES DECEIVE ME! FOUL SHOTS MOST FOUL!!!!!
I mean its one thing to try and get inside a players head but another to go to second base with him!! Now gils brain is akimbo not because hes psyched out but because hes never been touched like that before and hes blushing withy new feelings and good jesus he misses the shot!!!
Bill Walton yells "The Body is A Battleground!"" but that was 2 hours before tipoff and now no one says anything!!!!???
What did LeBron say to agent 0??? at the time all of us at circuit city had the agreement that, he was being a good sport, saying to Gil, bro you gotta make this shot, you aint going out like this, its been too good the game for this rubbish cause thats what tru warriors du ...
BUT THEN we hear in postgame press conf Lebron eagerly admits it, he jinxed GIL:
"you dont make this shot yall going home"
But i guess we are not suprised now at this becasue, like we said last week, the sorting hat put James in the house of Slytherin and hes a parseltongue and can understand the language of mules and for motivational reading lebron doesnt read "WHo Moved My Cheese" or "Sacred Hoops" or "Manute the Center of Two Worlds" like other athletes but he reads Ayn Rands "The Old Man and the SHoe". Maybe LeBron cant even help it hes just a robot with no mercy built by espn dark science, he is like from the movie "The Black Hole" the red killing machine MAXAMILLIAN who only has one command and gilbert is the loveable OLD B.O.B.and BOB never stands a chance, but we know the moral of the Black Hole is that Black Holes have no conscience and that they distort the fabric of space and time and when LeBron goes too the bench at the timeout he looks over and Ira Newble has aged backwards and is now a newborn baby trying to crawl out of a pile of gameworns.
AND THEN during the same timeout as he was walking to bench with look of disgust, LebRon grabs his throat and barks "FUCKING WIMP!" tru fact!
When i read this I felt bacon vomit in my throat rising up, i feel sickened, its like a species fear sick feeling, like when you see something horrible violent or the coldness and no mercy of natures darkest side, like Phil Chenier eating his young.
SO THERE ARE 3 QUESTIONS
QUESTION ONE:
Why is no one talking about this?
How can you cheer for lebron now? Its like cheering for tanks in the streets, its like cheering for Cancer cells : "DIVIDE BITCHES!!! D-I-V-I-D-E!" Bird and Magic and even Salieri had famous first playoff moments when they become men and lebrons defining moment: winning dirty, dropping vile eff bombs and passing up another game winner.
This for the world should have been LeBrons moment and it was,
it was his JOHN KREESE MOMENT.
What in the name of Teats OMalley is JOHN KREESE MOMENT u ask??
'John Kreese Moment' is named for John Kreese, he is the vietnam vet who ran the no mercy CObra Kai Dojo in The Karate Kid. He was the no mercy sensei who played dirty and dirtier to win at all costs "an enemy deserves no mercy!" and when Danielson can barely walk he does the Crane move on Johnny to win the match, and even johnny pays respect and give props to Daniel for what he deserved being a good adversary while John Kreese keeps yelling and wnats to keep fighting and casnt accept it, and he stands alone, despised and naked in his true colors, as even his BMX KFu gang walks away, embarrassed shaking their heads muttering: "Its Over"
Like espn should walk away from Lebron now, "its over". lebron deserves his John Kreese fate, which is to be reintroduced as a homeless man in Karate Kid part 3, a movie like LeBron that critics called "anti-climactic and flaccid to the point of being entirely vestigial"
Only 2 People talked about it:
1. MICKAEL WILBON I know! of all people. Our feelings r known on wilbon and this piece is typical Wilbon primitive subsistence sportswriting:
"SHIFTING PATCH CULTIVATION" sportswriting
like a indonesian farmer Wilbon overfarms cliches until he has exhausted the soil then moves on to the next cliche and over farms that. This time hes talking about "heart" again but at least he reported it!! maybe hes mad that LeBron turned down his MySpace invitation!!!
2. PETER VESCEY
Wizznutzz LOVE Peter Vescey. we love how surly he was on TNT before he got fired even tho he had just sprung for a new-money Long Island face lift, the kind you order off giant menu boards at the dermatologist fastfood style, Pete said "Gimme A Sag Harbor Special!!!". But we mostly love the way he molests language: hes like a Prog Rock sportswriter! hes like a blind guy playing Pole Position, its exhilirating just trying to see if hell make it around the next corner! There something about his writing thats plain off, like a midget, and then he throws in a weird ambitious verbal twist so his sentences are unnatrual AND make no sense, like a midget with a lisp!
But Pete has our back, he calls foul on LeBron and NBA and advocates "vigilante violence"!!! COnstable Hayes, step aside and let the mob do what the mob gotta do!
3. FREEDARKOkind of wrote about it but like all serbian intellectuals he is too soft when it counts !!!!
If by writing u mean just recycling the press releases from Nike's "I Am A Witness" campaign:
When the shirt arrived it was like Christmas in May.
Witness
That's all it said.
Because that's what we all are.
...Just watch. Witness
Yes he really wrote that. You know we love SCOOP, cuz he mixes up terse minimalism with afro-maximalist aphorisms,
cause SCOOPS GOT MADLibs!
But with writing like this, i get the feeling in 1998 Scoop was the guy at your office who would spend lunch trying to retell in real time the jokes from last nights episode of "Homeboys In Outerspace" :
"And then Pippin says 'You wiggle them pointy ears at me one more time, and I'll beam you up where the sun don't shine! '. Haha, GET IT? Cause Pippin, hes the guy from the Star Trek show! 'Beam Me UP!!!" Classic!
Scoops not getting a ride in my space hoopty thats 4 sure
QUESTION TWO:
OK next question, DID LeBron put the WHAMMY ON GILBERT????
yes Of course he did the real question: is what kind of whammy?
Was it a jinx, or a hex, was it voodoo or hoodoo? was it a Ninja death touch? Did he suck out his soul? Did he do that thing like in the movies where he touches him and suddenly Gilbert sees the ways people will die flashing before his eyes: his pitbulls slumped off the back of a treadmill as it goes THWIPP THWIPP THWIPP round and round; his dad dressed in a blue linen Tubbs suit being gunned down by Miami SWAT team; Patrick Ewing choking on baked beans; good god Juan Dixon in his antispetic beach bubble being swept out to sea!
This would not be the first time washington has been cursed.
1. THE GYPSY CURSE
When NBA Players Association pushed through "MR DRUMMONDS BILL" to prohibit Abe POllins scouting technique of driving through the ghetto in his town car and "Adpoting" young black kids off the playground, Pollin goes to Romania and steals a romanian giant baby from a gypsy woman. (He also steals gypsy recipe for "executive Nachos" -- just replaced the cheez with honey and jalapenos with the horse meat and its the same)
The gypsy woman puts a curse on Abe POllin:
"Your Big Men will forever have bad knees!"
The curse was accidentally lifted in 2004 when Jahidi WHite happened to catch and eat a live chicken
2. BILLY OLIVER ENCHANTS HIS TOILET
3. BULLETS BRIEFLY THINK THEY ARE UNDER LEPRECHAUNS CURSE Then they just realize Jim Lynam is still living at the MCI center!!
4. ANCIENT CURSE OF THE ABORIGINEES When ANdrew Gaze hears that Rod Strickland had "pointed the bone" at some people during a Steve Miller COncert at Merriweather he confronts Rod and demands "Where did you learn the ancient curse of the Aborigine?!" But rod shrugs and says "What the hells a ABoriginie?????"
But LeBrons cursed hand is most likely 2 be:
THE MIDAS CURSE!!
Thats right think about it: Golden Child! Foolish King!
And there is a part of the Midas Curse that many people dont know about buit that is Tru fact: King Midas gets into a fight with Apollo about a flute and Apollo gives him the EARS OF A DONKEY!!!! and when he passes the reeds whistle out: "King Midas has ass's ears." I cant tell because i have a voice in my head thats been saying that same phrase since the Frog Fired The Prince!?!!!!
SO WHOSE TO BLAME????
I saw WE R all 2 Blame cuz we created this monster! Well WE didnt, we created the CHEESEBOOT(tm) , because we are artists not saleswhores.
But ameirca made the cash moose, made him angry and bitter and oneminded . this isnt what tru warior Malcolm meants by when he said "by any mean necessary" .
Its BeCause America FETISHIZES COmpettition, its all about the W except for a few brief sentimentally retarded Sunday at the Masters montages and halftime trubutes to paralyzed linebackers . America is all little stout fat schopenauer babies, waddling about in stain resistant pants saying "Money is Happiness!"
LeBron james is what happens from the Me Decade of 1980. and oh yeah also the Me Decade of 1990 and Me Decade 2000. he is what happens from NBA crony cpitalism. Like Marx warned: Lebron is no revolutionary because the revolutionaries get coopted by the ruling elite. ANd like Mark Price warned: LeBron is what happens when David Stern announces "Rape is Natural" at Read To Achieve seminars! Thats why Queen james is royal and why he is a single celled organism in a primordal soup of narcisssism. why should he eveolve? america doesnt want to evolve, america want to listen to Eagles Greatest Hits over and over and over until the end of days and Lebron is AMERICAS BIG SPIRITUAL CORPSE
but GILBERT ARENAS is an artist not a salesman, he is a player and not a politician. Gilbert is like a SPartist. In ancient SParta they had no currency or capital and eveyone sat about and had tons of free time and no jobs and almost everyone was a musician --like Takoma Park but more showering!
Agent Zero cannot be destoryed because Agent Zero plays to exist.
He isnt governed by dollar saign but by the sign of SUNYATA, the LAW OF NOTHINGNESS:
"It represents a perfect circle, perfection, that is, within the limitations of the always imperfect material world. It conveys the sense of some-thing emanating from no-thing-ness. It represents the vagina, the gateway of birth into manifestation, and also the first moment of the creation of the universe, the big bang, when every thing emerged from the unformed vacuum point."
It took me 5 beers to see the VAgina but when you do you cant shake it, its like the Magic Eye Puzzle!!!
And now thiss incite, like the season will just stop like that.
---------
Meantime:
The Daily Bacon is aflutter with offseason plans and mothering!
And we have the best commenters in town, like our good mate 'anonymous' who has the last word on those damn WITNESS commercials:
"the only thing I can figure that we are a "witenss" to from that commercial is the destruction of american manufacturing leaving a giant hole in the center of america that we fill up by eating agribusiness's carcinegenic biproducts, rolling through the streets looking for meth, watching coal fires burn on the horizon, and of course cheering the chosen one throw down a bunch of dunks while what appears to be outtakes from sokurov's days of eclipse float by in the rearview mirror. "
He set records at The University of Uppsala (Upp U), including Steals per Game and Attempts to take his own life, and was such a hero they built a big metal statue of him outside the stadium. Despondent poets are known to rub the statue for bad luck. "Straight ANgst Homey!"
Then when he couldnt pass Swedish Pro League Physical (Damn YOU Bloody FLux!) he became playground legend in the NORRTULL "AND NIL" ENTERTAINERS LEAGUE. He was more popular than the halftime hangings!
So while "SUmmerball" aka "The COAT" is off running leather to tar, we commemorate him with special TSHirt offer!!!!!!!!
Thursday, May 11, 2006
recently u may see that we were having problems with our interweb.
YES - we did usual check for meats in disc drive biut no luck!
When you came to our site you saw the dread words:
Wizznutzz.com Server is Experiencing
"KERNEL PANIC"
WOAH! What the www-dot-mustygrowler is KERNEL PANIC????!!!!!
It sounds familiar I know but i couldnt rememebr where from.
THEN i went thru my brain, and i remembered that EDu-tainment "NBA Cares" video that Steve Blake made last summer to play for the new Rookies at orientation camps. It was to teach them his lessons of what to expect in a lockerroom of experienced big men and about group shower etiquette etc
Monday, May 08, 2006
Bounty of post season incites on the way but we are busy for a day or2 breaking down HQ from Bailys Crossroads Circuit City now that its getting warm the dogs can smell the urine- u cant just throw a mothering hut in back of the car, u need permits and enzymez!!!
make sure u click all those links there is some Jeb Putzier Prize winning materials and firghtening and amazing revelations!
posted by wizznutzz OUR FAMOUS MOTHERING HUT T-SHIRTS PERMALINK |
While Agent Zero has been getting ready for game 6 and fulfilling Barbara Harrisons forbidden fantasies, Wizznutzz r super conident 4 win tonite. Its been a great series and though we make fun of Queen james alot hes a fine player and done for city of Cleveland what 300 years of white men couldnt do! Like we said on Deadspin: King james is a nice face for the NBA, especially if the NBA is about to cry. He is better face for NBA than Zildrunas Ilgouskas. When ever i see Zildrunass Ilgauskas face I dont think NBA i think "small children just buried in the woods"
QueenJamez has says he can carry his team on his back and also carry dreams of TV executives and emasculated suburban dads and pockmarked limo drivers, he carries the weight of the world like Atlas, but Queen james lemme say that Ayn Rand wrote a book called "GREED FOR DUMMIES" and it had the motto:
"ATLAS SHRUGGED"
Atlas shrugged, Atlas didnt didnt cry and he didnt plead and no way did he skip around like Nancy Drew in a pastry fight And LeBron shoulkd know this cause in his first week in NBA one morning someone slipped a copy of "Atlas Shrugged" under his door. It was anonymous who gave it, but there were some clues: in the margins of most pages was written "is it in YOU?" and the book smelled like cigars and adultery and a page was bent over and when lebron opened to that page written in big childish marker and circled was the words:
"SHOES = CASH!!!!"
But i hope lebron read the book though, because then he would also know the quote:
"We want them to be broken. You'd better get it straight that it's not a bunch of boy scouts you're up against... We're after power and we mean it... There's no way to rule innocent men."
I dont know what that means but it has something to with why Wes Unseld isnt allowed to ride in school busses.
But I DO KNOW that Ayn Rand knocked boots with OBJECTIVISTS. she wasnt a a classical rationalist (like Descartes, or Guggliotta) and she wasnt like the classical empiricists led by Patrick Ewing and the Vienna Circle who formulated the verifiability principle:
"I may think think about baked beans and they may exist, but if theres baked beans in my morning sheets then i was eating in my sleep again."
Instead Ayn Rand was a straight cash homey ALPHA BETTY who thought production was heroism. like JUST DO IT.
Lebron u may ask: "Is that mean I just gotta bring my A game"? Hell I can do that" but beware because there is a MAJOR flaw in this beliefs:
Objectivism, like 'Naked Detective', is a young mans game, when you get old and slow and cant produce, (like Billy Joel crashing his renault into the sand-- hitting rock bottom in the Hamptons takes FOREVER!!!) then suddnely Atlas Shrugged turns into - poof - "the Old Man And The SHoe", and laissez-faire capitalism becomes MALAISSEZ-faire and no funeral is more bitter and unattended than the death of a BRAND!!!!!!!!
Its like you ask sherpas about a trail MULE, they will tell you : :"you have to walk the mule. always walk the mule. the mule cannot bear to stop walking because it is crazy if it stands still. Its bites off its own fur and does mad behaviour like trying to attack cougars"
DR CHESNUTT from Celtics DOOM blog has gone Cold Mountain and chased the money to wizznutzz.com !!!!!!!! we offered him MAX INTERN DEAL: (10% off day-old meats, exclusive use of Ledell Eakles) but unlike Lobster Roll hes already paying off: such as coining new Agent Zero name:
Two hot "Queen James" dubplates straight from two AWESOME superfanz!!!! These two bangers WILL BLOW UP THE INTERNETS!! Al Gore was seen adding more wires to the WWW2 just to compensate!!! Right click on links below to download:
"Queen James" (John Surma's Milk Dud Remix) (A Eminem D12 hyphy trip!!!! Listen to our flow!! Liste4n for awesome subtle sound effects punctuating punchlines -- that's some Dre level sh*t!!! JJ Surma, you are a CHAMPION!!! More!!!)
"Queen James" (Kevin Ferguson's DnB Remix) (DnB, is that Dave & Busters???? We've always wanted to front the synth-pop band Band of Love!!! No, REALLY. Our favorite song EVER is "I Touch Roses (a.k.a Kwames Taint)." This is a GREAT JOb, KFerg!!! More!!! Fergie is also responsible for the LEGENDARY "Bullets Fever" remix that can be downloaded from God's Mix Tape!!! Go there now!!!)
JJ Surma & K Ferg will be spending a week inside the MOTHERING HUT with Ken the Intern and Ledell the Eackles courtesy of Manouche's Half-Smoke Stand outside the Tower Records in D.C. !!! There's still time to do your own remix!!! Right click here to download "Queen James" a capella and fire up the soft synths!!!
Dear MCI Verizon Center: YES, you have our permission to play these bangers TONIGHT to fire up the Black President and his Cabinet!!!
Thursday, May 04, 2006
We've been so enjoying the commenters' INCITES from our earlier post today and allaroundtheinternets that we totally forgot to plug yesterday and today's AWESOME posts on THE DAILY BACON, including "Moby Shaq: Part 2," another reading from the "Queen James Bible" and a little something the interns like to call "CLEVELAND ROTS"!!!! Check it out!!
"Hi, I'm Queen James. If you call me for a foul, I will scowl and pout and look all gassy and act like you've just called my mom a felon. Really, though, I'm perfect. In fact, when I take a dump it comes out wrapped in a giftbox and smelling of lavender."
Wiz lose in a sickening groaner not seen since Ken the Intern left open the bathroom door after a long night spent on "Fajita Coast." Antawn let Queenie drive past him like he was the saloon door in a whorehouse WHICH HE IS. "Hi, I'm Antawn. My favorite band is Trapdoor Fucking Exit." Arrrgh, I hate when the SELF HATE comes out. I love you, 'TWAN!! I think there's a future for you as a greeter at Wal-Mart!!!!
BUT IT'S NOT OVER!!! Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no! Was it over when Wes Unseld traded Chris Webber for Mitch Richmond, Otis THorpe and a bag of expired half-smokes? HELL NO! Was it over when Manute Bol opened his restaurant on U St. and closed it soon after because of a lack of patronage due to his inability to sufficinetly rally D.C.'s African community to dine out regularly on Sudanese Executive Nachos? HELL No!!! HE BROUGHT PEACE TO SUDAN THROUGH ICE HOCKEY. Was it over when Cold Mountain actually started to make his jumpers and when King Dud Eric Snow turned into a Salieri-like scoring machine and Queen James drove past two Wizards like they were road pylons and then nobody on the Wiz had the presence of mind to call a timeout, advance the ball to half court, and run a set play (INCITE!!) ? Yeah, pretty much. BUT WE GOT FRIDAY!!!
So between now & then, you SUPERFANZ gotta write the NEW "Bullets Fever"!!! Rally the team with an EXTREME PUTDOWN REMIX!!!! Here's the tres tres poignant a capella version of "Queen James," the song that blowing up the iNternets. First one who can time-stretch this bitch into a consistent time signature and add some bangin' beats gets a FREE TRIP TO THE MOTHERING HUT!!! Right click below to download: "Queen James" (a capella)
Even tho The Black President had success criminalizing redmuffs, his first term was a disaster and he didnt want to become a lame duck prez in the second term and needed to shake up his cabinet so he made executive decision and VETOED HIS PANTS!
Coach Jordan was so wowed that he told everyone on the team to embrace slump-busting changes. Steve Stricker slips "Mister? Maam?" sexual reassigment pamphlet into Billy "angry inch" Thomases locker!
Excited Abe Pollin hears the report and rushes down to locker room:
"LeBron James will never be like Michael Jordan. All great players are unique. Heck, Gilbert Arenas is more comparable to Jordan, the player, than LeBron will ever be....."
Woah Will watch who your painting with that pooey brush! You cant fill up a Zero with comparisons or theories or characterizing because zero is the black hole and swallows them all.
Wills incites reminded me of one of Wizznutzz FAV articles ever that was also on Slate:
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Inspired by todays awesome arousing post at THE DAILY BACON wizznutzz interns all undressed and are standing around naked waiting fore something, anything, to happen and god lets hope it happens soon before ken wakes up and thinks hes in one of those dreams he can control.
He even stripped off the padded undershorts he wears to protect him from hard fouls and even harder falls. Steve Blake used to wear a full sumo suit under his uniform BEFORE the games just to ward off Jahidi.
Mike Wise says, "Clothes Do Make the Man" and reveals that GILbert played NAKED MAN in the lockerroom production of "The Snub."
"This is LeBron's show, you know," Arenas said through a babykins smile. "We're all just -- we're just all witnesses." A "babykins" smile??? Is that the sort of face a little kid has after he makes in his pants? THEN WE KNOWN EXACTLY WHAT A BABYKINS SMILE IS!!!
"He's the best pure scorer I've ever played with," said Calvin Booth, the veteran reserve center on the Wizards. REVELATION: Who knew that Cal had even played with Gilbert??? ----- Chubb Rock Wilbon says, "Wizards Prefer to Chase." WE'VE BEEN SAYING THAT FOR YEARS!!!! ----- Damon Jones is an enemay of the state of D.C.!!
He told the Washington Times that Wizards center Brendan Haywood is "a baby, period. Babies can't foul hard. He's a big kid. He's not out to hurt anybody. He's just doing what his coach tells him to do. I don't make a big deal out of that.'' Then Assbasket Jones and his Chinese shoes abruptly backpedaled like a little league centerfielder!!
"I meant he wasn't a bruiser or a guy who would foul intentionally. I said he's a baby, he's a kid, meaning that's not his nature,'' Jones said. ``It seems like everybody is turning it around like I was saying he's soft. I respect Brendan Haywood. It was taken out of context."
Brenda responds with the HARDEST FOUL of his career!!!
"I'm not worried about what he says,'' Haywood said. "If he was playing a little bit more then it might be something I take into consideration, but I'm not even going to be able to say anything to him because I'm not going to be on the Cleveland bench.''
Such an awesome jape from a man with such small hands!!!
What's that smell??? SMOKED BRON BRON!!! THE DAILY BACON is on fire again today, overcooking pig meat like the Tastee Diner. Incites on Gilbert the Gambler, the Bacon Brothers (L Boogie & Black Prez), and Awvee gettin' "AW, HELL NOOOOed"with a drop kick right into his chest!!!!!
WizzNutzz audio podcast SONG #3 to celebrate WIN #2!!! This originally had Chuck Brown and his band backing up the WizzNutzz on Uncle Bram's radio show for some of that hot go-go shit we likes to fuck wit!!! But damn Ken only recored the WizzNutzz choir, leaving Chuck & his steaming beats somewhere in the dustbin of history. So we had to have the kid who works in Car Stereos at the Wheaton Circuit City do a quick remix. It's JUST ok, because the kid obvious don't have the go-go flow like we do!!! He seems to be coming from more of a "mass tragedy" angle.
