Sunday, April 30, 2006
Head over to THE DAILY BACON for another reading of the Newly Revised Queen James bible by intern Rex I.M. Chapman!!!
WizzNutzz latest appearance on Uncle BRam's radio show was a sucesss!! After show BRam was fired and moved to middays Mon-Fri with former Redskin Brian Mitchell, aka B.Mitch aka BM.itch aka Mitch Mitch aka BRI Bri aka Soft Serve. We wanted to post an MP3, but Ken the Intern was behind the controls and the only sound he recorded was that of his MEATY SAMBUCA. IT's NC-17+++ highly disturbing!!! But we are working on a remix of our new song "Queen James" which Ken managed to record, albeit a capella and without the backing sounds of Chuck Brown, who was kind enough to come in and record with us. KEN, YOUR AN IDIOT!!!
mother thyselves young interns , mother. hallucinate, shut the wallabies out of the mind, lay me down a bacon pallet on the floor, put out the moonintrolls, one by one, for the chicken does not sleep tonight.
His Rasta-Romanian accent is OFF THA HOOK. And TOTALLy incomprehensable!!!
Plus, don't forget BONUS INCITES from the pine-ridin' interns over at THE DAILY BACON!!!
PLUS, BIG NEWS!!! Wizznutzz to appear live to offer INCITES on UNCLE BRAM WEinstein's show Saturday April 29 at 12:30 p.m. on WTEM AM-980, the 15th 16th most popular radio station in all of WashingtonD.C.!!!!! Listen live at www.sportstalk980.com
Well Game Two proved what we at the wizznutzz have long known, Gilbert Arenas, and not LeBron James, is the second coming, the savior, the series MVP.
AND NOW WE HAVE PROOF!!!!!
The Wizznutzz contacted some of americas biggest brains:
AWESOME REAL MATH PROFESSORS!!!
and asked them to PROVE THAT "ZERO" (gilbert) IS GREATER THAN "23" (LeBron)
As we expected, unlike the Ike Austin Cheeseboot(TM), it turned out to be an EZ challenge for science.
Let me stress, these guys are REAL MATHMEN, they are not people we made up like "Ledell Eackles" and "Tyrone Nesby".
This is TRUE HARD SCIENCE, you cant argue with it, but i am sure they will on ESPN because ESPN is full of Young-Earth Creationists who believe that Adam and Eve and Dinosaurs and Hubie Brown all lived together on earth 6000 years ago.
THE PROOF:
Prof. Jeff Hakim (PhD) Department Chair American University Number Theory, Harmonic Analysis
In mathematics, if you have two numbers A and B and if A times B is zero then you say:
"A annihilates B."
So zero is the special number that has the property that it annihilates all other numbers.
In particular, 0 times 23 equals 0 so, in a mathematical sense, if you put zero together with any other number, the other number is annihilated, but zero survives.
Assoc. Prof. Michael Moses (PhD) George Washington University Logic, Recursive Model Theory, Computational Complexity
Surprisingly, given your otherwise impressive erudition, you show, by questioning the veracity of the mathematical statement '0 > 23', an unfortunately too common mathematical ignorance. The statement (that 0 is greater than 23) is a long established, if little known, fact, credited to the almost legendary early U.S. mathematical team of Bolyai 'Bud' Abbot and Lobachevsky 'Lou' Costello:
THEOREM: 0 > 23
PROOF:
Consider the product 16 x 4 (using 'long' multiplication):
Last nite wizz won and they won because they were hard ballin, they got phyzical, there was more corruption of the flesh than when David Cronenburg made 'Existenz', aka the Robert Pack Story!
The Space Eater started things off with the first hard foul of his career, that left him so shaky, he called travelling on himself and went to the lockerrom and vomited.
Another career first: Antwan diving for a ball like it was a bale of august tobacco
Then LeBron gors to the rack against Caron and Caron says UH UH ., Daft Punk isnt playing ion MY HOUSE and then claps his hands and mocks the king, TSK TSK TSK like he was Skippy The Kangaroo!
Jared Jeffires had busier hands than Maury Povich at the Interns Picnic!
Michael Ruffin hung up on the bough and turned it away. Even though he was scared he closed his eyes and says: I Have No grudge against you Mister Squirrel but there are no nuts for you in this nest please go about your business elsewhere and do not bother us here no more!
And Agent Zero came out ready to play, u knew he would cause B4 the game he gathered with trinaer Steve Stricker to do the mantra:
Steve: What are your legs? Zero: Talons. Yellow talons. Steve: What are they going to do? Zero: Hurl me down the court. Steve: How fast can you run? Zero: As fast as a chicken Steve: How fast are you going to run? Zero: As fast as a chicken. Steve: What Kind of CHicken? Zero: A chocolate chicken Steve: Then let's see you do it.
JESUS WEPT
Best thing about it all, was did you see the looks on Lebrons teammates as the game slipped away as LeBron turned it over again and agin? That look was helpless look, look of impotence. Ive seen that look before!I thought, its the Bill Cartright look! Its the look of Will Perdue! Its the look of Nicodemus! Its the look you see when you r driving down the country road and you see a broken down school bus and all the kids are huddled on the shoulder staring at you blankly while the social studies teacher hopelessly looks under the hood, but you cant stop and pick them up, because you know you can only fit 4 kids, or 2 of the fat kids, and the fat kids will snoop through your ninja magazines and ask about the old cabbage with the hole in it, cause the fat ones ALWAYS ask questions.
Theres been alot of talk about Bearing Witness to the Savior LeBron but if last night didnt proove hes not jesus than we have proof:
1. As Gene SHue rightfully pointed oput, JESUS SAVES, but when Lebron saves, he saves it right to Gilbert Arenas
2. Jesus drove the money-changers from the temple so he would never share the backcourt with Larry Hughes
3. If LeBron was Jesus he would have cured PJ Ramos in game 1
4. The Magi never caried Sprite b/c they couldnt keep it cold and you couldnt afford to have hypoglycemic rebound in the desert plus it made the mules angry
5.Jesus could take a Hard FOUL. Mad Max made a whole highlight reel of all the hard fouls JC took, it was called PAssion of The Christ!!!!
6. We all know God made the world in 7 Days, and on the 8th day, he relaxed at Jerry Stackhouses beach rental, and God told JStack that LeBron james was no son of his.
(Though Christian Laettner claimed later that he was there too and that it wasnt actually GOD but Shawn kemp, who thought he was god because he had cut his PCP with flameretardant felt and that he didnt acutally deny that James was his son but just said that he wasnt paying the child support.But can you trust Sister Christiian? yes hes religious man, but the religion is the Church of the Machosensual Sciences which belives in the KIEHL"S BIRTHING METHOD and thinks that Sadness should be cured not by anti-depressant medicines but by a rigorous grooming regimen, he even made a PSA about that one)
Bonus Incite:
Cleveland has racist fanz.Im not talking about the guy who attacked Coach but there was a guy in the very front row last nite wearing a "VOTE FOR PEDRO" Tshirt! What do you think that SPANISH PEOPLE ARE FUNNY???? Sure they all have silly moustaches and have brains like small children but show some sportsmanship, dont HATE
In post game press conference Coach Jordan wondered allowed if his Billy Thomas substitution would be remembered as one of "greatest blunders in NBA History", his words not mine!
Coach worries about his job security way too much! This is coaching the wizards for godsake! Its not like its Pattie LaBelle trying to control her blood sugar! A sack of potatoes could keep this job! Wes Unseld STILL hasnt been fired!
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
GAME 2 INCITES COMING LATER TODAY
But for a special win we have special newzzz:
People always say, "MORE INCITES" and "WHY DONT YOU WRITE ABOUT OTHER SPORTS" and "YOUR INTERN SLAPPED ME"!
Sure we know Michael Ruffin is afraid of squirrels, but what about how Ted Putzier gets dizzy when he thinks about Mermaids? We know the Ike Austin Cheeseboot is an amazing piece thermodynamic dairy wear, but how come no newz of Floyd Rayfords Astonishing 'Sheperds Pie Pants'???!!
Well all thats gonna change now because the Wizznutzz got circuit city locator map and hosted secret nationwide intern search and we maybe didnt get the best, but after Dana's closed doors personal auditions, we know we got the most immune tolerant!!! and so we r proud present...
a whole new blog!!!!
Just as Billy Thomas takes the last two dying foul shots of his career, a new baby is born, the circle of life!
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Some Playoff game 1 vs. Cleveland IN GAME incites!!! REFresh Offten! PRetend WIzzNutzz is like "SUmmer's Breeze"!!!
After 1 quarter Gilbert is playing like he did last year vs. Bulls: With mind on "Halo 2" and with brain set to "WALLABY." Gilbert looks out of sorts, like the time we came back to WizzNutzz HQ after spending the evneing at Wheaton CIrcuit City watching mid-season game vs. Atlanta Hawks and found Intern Ken duct taped into a fetal position and a "DON'T SAVE ME" signed taped to his genitals. TO EACH HIS OWN, but Gilbert WE NEED YOU!!! The Black President needs to DECALRE WAR ON THE REPUBLIC OF CLEVEOLNAD!!! DO noT wait for CONGREss of Law of the LAND. BOMB AWAYS!!!!!
Cleveland is wearing beards to show team unity, all except for babyfaced and hair-faceless Anderson Varejao, who is wearing a merkin to show team unity and to show off his HUGE MONS PUBIS.
Antawn is acting like a saloon door for Lebron. Don't give it up like JACK TWIST, Antawn!! JACK TWIST? JACK NASTY says the wife!! Make King Ennis Del Mar James work for it!!
Recycled incite from message baord comment we left at Freedom of Darko: Why does everybody leave out THE BLACK PRESIDENT when talking MVP? Without Agent Zero the Wizards wouldn't be going to the playoffs; they'd be going over to Wes Unseld's house for the annual uncomfortable team picnic where Abe Pollin always drinks too much cheap brandy and starts pinching G-Wiz in the ass and Rod Strickland hammers half-smokes like he's stocking up for winter. AND NOBODY SHOULD BE FORCED TO SEE WES UNSELD IN A BANANA HAMMOCK BEFORE MAY!!!! Thank you, Gilbert!
After 2nd Quarter: Agent Zero passed up the last shot of the quarter to Tough Juice -- WHAT HAPPENED TO THE ASSAASSSIN?? Gilbert needs to play some poker at halftime and chill out.
Ohh, hold on: emotional Gilbert proifile oon now.... -- Sorry, no second half incites!!! Ken's MEATY SAMBUCA'S kicked in and Dana started smashing TV's at Circuit City like they were Whack-A-Moles (Remember: Snitches End Up in Ditches!!! --Melo). We got kicked out and went back into the office to listen to Dave ROD Rod Rod Rod Rod and Scott Jacksson slit their throats on 980-AM, but we all passed out in the Mothering Hut when the dial-up connection went dead.
HASTY PLAYOFF PREVIEW!!!!! Wizards on National Stage! Wilbon and othewr NBA Analists saying Wiz are underdogs so that if Cavs win they can talk about how extra awesome LeBron is. Prepare to hear Steve Buckhantz say "King James" in our own building. prepare for discrafeful umpiring. NBA tells LeBron "if you move your Mom to Papa New Guinea we will give you a title" but its all in double Joepoardy now cause LeBrons mom escaped from PNG and was picked up hitchhiking by Jim Bowden and they gunned across country like Thelma and Louise, with Gloria James yelling at Jim "why didnt you pick nme up in a Hummer? I GAVE MY SON A HUMMER!!!!!"
No wonder NBA wants her to stay away. They remember well how Ernie Hudson yelled the same thing at a Ghostbusters II press lunch and just like that killed the Ghostbusters franchise!!! Why else was their no Gostbusters 3? What you think they ran out of ghosts???!!! Even LeBron spoke to his mom: "Thanks for the great Hummer, Mom. I know u love me. I know you just want to give yourself everything that you never had growing up, But please behave yourself. Why cant you act just act classy, like Kwame Browns Aunts???
THE WIZARDS: So as we said Coach Jordan and E Grunf have milked blood from a halfsmoke all season long. Our starting 5 are all having career seasons and we only won 42 games. Now that Lost Colony Ramos is back on the bench, we could have 5 DNPs tomorrow. Coach is collecting DNPs like they was Pokemons!
Calvin and Arvee and Donnell are so deep on the bench, Its like that movie The Three Burials of Miguel Tejada!
-If DNPs were Pokemons, Calvin Booth would be "DROWZEE!"
-Arvee Storey, when he plays, he looks like he woke up to find himself trapped inside a giant game of skittles, and hes trying to find his way out
-Donnell Taylor, what exactly is his role? Hes plays like a kid who always wanted to be a stuntman and refuses to let his Muscular Dystrophy stop him from his dreamzz! He runs after the ball swinging his arms like its a bacon pinata!!!
Billy Thomas is next in long line of offseason "veteran 3 point specialists" who cant hit the open 3 but he brings calmness to the bench and funny wise coming-of-age tales from when he was an Atlantic Starr groupie.
But coach is too scared to play anyof these guyzz, hes gonna keep using the same sharpies till they run dry, cause Princeton Schminceton, his rotation is about has creative as rotation of steel aanxiety balls in Captain Queegs hand in The Caine Mutiny, escept hes also got Caron, so caron is the third steel ball of the Wizards mon pubis, right tell me something i dont know!
Gilbert Arenas: the best thing to happen to ZERO is some time off. Last weeks he says:
"I look at it like, once you start trying to rest yourself, that's when you start to burn out," Arenas said, "because you're not as active as you used to be. You're losing your stamina, you're losing your muscle memory, then you're getting fatigue."
But the body only builds muscle when it sleeps, thats why you only ever see Magnus Ver Magnusson in his pajamas, and gilbert sleeps only 3 hours a night so hes gonna break down badly soon if Steve Stricker doesnt slip him a roofie. But maybe if he sleeps he will never wake up again? Oh jesus i had enough to worry about!!!
Caron Butler:Caron Butler is the wiz one roughneck, dubbed "Tough Juice" In fact, its the first time DC team has had "Tough JUice" in the building since Abe Pollin entertained Myer Lansky and Yitzhak Rabin in the cap center owners box!
Jared Jeffries:Everyone sayz JJ is the KEY. Whats does that mean? It means he guarding 23 and that means BATTLE OF THE AMISH BEARDS!!! Like in WItness when Alexander Godunov puts ice cream on HFordz nose but Alexander Godunov has a mouthguard and 'BARN LIFE' tattoo on his back.
ANotnio Daniels: The Borwn Hornet is crazy. Hes the Road Warrior. He says "You wanna get out of here, you talk to me". hes got huge hands and what they say about big hands = BIG DREAMS! He goes to hoop like crazy man. Last week he tried to committ "Suicide By Bogan" when he skyed up against Andrew Bogut. Sure they wiped the filthy convict sweat off the floor but some stains are deeper than others.
Prediciton: If theres a game 7, Anotnio Daniels will lie dead.
Brendan Haywood: Tru fact: during Bulls game Bill Walton says in Haywood he sees "Shades OF Hakeem Olajuwon"!!!! The only shades of Hakeem Olajuwon Brendan has are in the lining of his gameworns!
The Big Quesytion Wiz Have To Answer: Whats with the old white guy who sits on the bench?
CAVALIERS:
LeBron James:
As we said before, We r fed up with Lebron James and ESPN and the way they dance like a couple of over ripe retirees in a convention hall. Its not the kind of intimacy a young heart wants to think of!!!
What kind of name is LeBron? Its a KITSCH name is what it is. Its nouveau. Its as Kitsch as LeMom's Grand Revival Tiara Poster Beds and italiantate pool tables. Just look at the history:
Heres the Lebron family crest. "Follow reasons." "Moize LeBrun settled in Rhode Island in 1686 " OF COURSE HE DID, his damn name MOIZE!! But thats Not LeBron exactly, LeBron has TWO CAPITAL LETTERS! ITS FANCIER! ITS FRENCH-MEXICAN!!!! I LOVE MY FRENCH MEXICAN SO MUCH I GAVE HIM A HUMMER !
There will be plenty of hot analist air wasted on lebron so you egt no more here.
Ira Newble:
All the Cav teammates love Ira cause he gives them discounts on jewelry at his old shop in the Diamond District on 47th and 7th Ave.
Zyldrunas Ilgauskas: "Z" and Sasha Pavlovic, by far most popular players in The Hagues War Crimes division fantasy league
Eric SNow: They say this is Snow's seventh time in the playoffs, but so wqhat did he ever win a ring? Hes the Susan Lucci of the NBA but unlike her he takes his wig off before he goes to work.
Eric Snows head looks like a big giant MILK DUD! Proof:
Im worried that gilberts going to hallucainte from lack of sleep and the subtle line will move to Eric SNow being more Milk Dud then man:
LARRY HUGHES: Queen James' "injury" only healed when he heard the words "playoff bonus check".
DAMON JONES: Wizznutzz Most hated player. As we said before, you are no Dwayne Wade. You arent even DWAYE WAYNE!!!
Anderson Varejao Jared Jeffries is A poor man's Tayshaun Prince and Anderson Varejao is a poor mans Jared jeffries.
Moondog: The Cleveland Cavaliers Kids Club President. Single, flamable. Advantage GWIZ !!
Thursday, April 20, 2006
PLAYOFF PREVIEW TO COME SOON BUT THE PLAYOFFS CAN WAIT BECAUSE FEAST YOUR EYES ON GREATEST ACTING WORK SINCE GAR HEARD PLAYED 'CONSTABLE DOGBERRY' IN SHAKESPEARE IN THE PARK OR WHEN SCOTT SKILES PLAYED NICOLE KIDMAN ROLE IN 'THE STOUT BITCH PLAYERS' PRODUCTION OF THE BLUE ROOM!!!:
Steve Blake in Lars Von Triers masterwork:
UNIVERSAL MADNESS!!!!!!
The best thing is that its basically JUST LIKE a real life scene from steve blakes life, pinch me! Only in real life, its Juan Dixon climbing out of his antispetic ball tote (no germs is good germz), and instead of being led off by 3 large black women, its, well you know...
posted by wizznutzz OUR FAMOUS MOTHERING HUT T-SHIRTS PERMALINK |
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
WizzNutzz get direct pipeline to target audience: teenagers and OLD PERVS!!! Go to WizzNutzz MySpace page for FRIENDSHIP, FUNSHIP and half-smoke recipes. Add us to your friends!! DAna hopes to network some lapdances !!!!
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
So Mike Wilbon flew in from Arizona, with his tumbleweed loyalties, to take in the wiz playoff clinching game and then goes home and takes cheap shots at the team in todayz column. Thanks for nothing April Mule! What Wilbon doesnt get is that his generation's Muhammad Ali is right under his nose in Gilbert Arenas and he is misssing the career making opportunity of a lifetime, off playing golf, eating old tired steaks with the old tired meat that is his former-athlete golf possee. Like in those old ESPN documentaries, with great old skool scribe Bob Lipsyte talking about his relationship with the amazing Ali, so one day 30 years from now will wizznutzz interns be gathered around a grey haired Ivan Carter, reminscing about the extraordinary personality of our good pal Agent ZERO while Mike WIlbon sits around a deconditioned sitdown DigDug machine at the Santa Fe Dave and Busters, complaining about how the turkey burgers are too cold.
But the rest of the world is taking notice finally, heres a sampling:
ONE:
USA TODAY WEEKEND MAGAZINE IS CHEWING THE GILLYWEED!!: They run piece last weekend on ...
"I think of myself as more like Harry Potter than Viktor Krum. I'm the underdog. Whoever our team is playing against is Krum -- the big superhero. I'm just Harry Potter, 'Zero to Hero.' "
I smell Pulitzer and it smells like teen bacon!!!!
Wizznutzz offer up some more DC ballers who are like charcaters from the Harrypotterman books:
WES UNSELD is HAGRID THE GAMEKEEPER think about similarities: a 200 year old head wizard (Pollin) shows unfailing loyalty to a burly good hearted oaf. even though others want to send him to prison, the old wizard gives him a job teaching "Care Of magical Creatures" aka Washington Bullets GM. Later, Wes aka Hagrid will also be in charge of the magical creatures that escape from abe pollins In Vitro Stem Cell breeding lab when the Cap Centre is destroyed, which means altering the memories of Muggles to make them think "manute Bol" is "african"
MICHALE SALIERI JORDAN is of course THE DARK LORD
THE MANCHILD KWAME BROWN is "HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED"
Darnell McCondichie, Arenas' childhood buddy, has given the thumbs-up sign to the changes. "It does look better than when I had it," he says. The vehicle was McCondichie's pride and joy until he lost it to Arenas in a game of Halo 2 on Xbox in Los Angeles last summer. Arenas pretended to be a novice at the video game until he and McCondichie agreed to bet their respective vehicles on it: a Cadillac Escalade vs. the Monte Carlo, straight-up. "He beat me real bad," McCondichie says. "It wasn't even close." Arenas had his newly secured possession shipped to the District and has been thoughtful enough to send photographs of it to his buddy this year. Or perhaps those photographs are the basketball equivalent of a taunt. "Darnell has a year-long bus pass," Arenas says with a proud grin.
Gil also reveals that he lives of a $93 dollar allowance and lives a modest lifestyle. Sure he has 10 toilets but u gotta keep in mind Abe pollin has installed toilets every 8 feet in the Verizon center so you can understand Gilberts sense of perspective...
During halftime of Washington Wizards games, Gilbert Arenas sits at his locker and plays online poker.
Writing commercials? Yep, he does that, too. He takes after his father, Gilbert Arenas Sr., an actor and writer in Los Angeles.
"I think I'm going to start filming some this summer and putting them online," Arenas said, "because I don't think they're going to be able to be on the TV."
Arenas then explained his idea for a commercial that would tie-in with the launch of his new shoe later this year. It's a pretty good concept: Instead of him tossing his jersey into a crowd, he tosses the shoe--and a kid in a wheelchair somehow ends up with it, befitting the Adidas tag line of "Impossible Is Nothing."
Thats a cool commercial, especially if the kid in the wheelchair was Brent Price! But our AGENT ZERO AD campaign is much better!
SIX: This inspirezz us to add some new photos to our AGENT ZERO foto gallery! SEVEN: During Bulls national TV game, we see poignant video of Gilbert giving cars and love to "MAGGIE FOSTER!!!"
Gil couldnt afford anything flashier than a Toyota on his $93 per diem, but thats kool, cause as soon as the cameras stopped rolling, he hustled if back off her in a game of Uno!!!
LASTLY
During Bulls game sideline reporter and small person MARK JONES called Gilbert "ZERO" in fact said "From ZERO TO HERO"
SO lets make one thing very clear:
Gilbert Arenas is going to be called "Zero" or "Agent Zero" or less likely "Zero The Gay Blade" by the wide world anytime now. theyll chant "ZEEE-RO" "ZEEE-RO", theyll have "ZERO DOLAAHS DOWN" in Eastern Motors Ads, SPorts Illustrated will write articles about trying to contain Gilberts big game and his bigger personaility titled "ZERO SUM GAME" and "KILL NIL"
but Who made that name first??
Thats right write it down, wizznutzz name the world to life, just like we named LBoogie "COLD MOUNTAIN" and now its on a basketball card, and its why Rasheed Wallace asked us to name his kids.
posted by wizznutzz OUR FAMOUS MOTHERING HUT T-SHIRTS PERMALINK |
Attention Crusty Punx & Ballers!!! God's Mixtape has a new addition in honor of Agent Zero's recently discovered MySpace page !!! (Thanks to WizzNutzz intern candidate and awesome commenter and lone message board holder downer David Vanterpool for the flash!!!)
GOD would like to dedicate this song to "The Very Rev. Black President of Austin" our good crusty-punk friend GERARDO THE BLEEDER!!!
Some highlights from alleged site owned by the Wizards very own "BLACK PRESIDENT":
About me: STOP SWAGGER JACKING SWAGGER JACKERS
Who I'd like to meet: REAL ASS PEOPLE BECAUSE THERE HARD TOO COME BY SO IF YOUR A REAL ASS PERSON I WOULD FUCK WITH YA
Monday, April 17, 2006
We recievd a note from Andres Nocioni fan Juan T. in Argentina!! Here it is translated from Spanish by WizzNutzz intern Google Language Tools:
"... I wait for qe you know to read Spanish or but that old one translates you your, sos a mogolico which not tenes nor idea of which she is my pais and escribis stupidities for hacerte the graceful one, tendrias that to come to see as he is this pais, I receive to you, I show pais to you, people and I give back to you of a kick in the ass to where you belong that surely ah is a sewer... a thing but....los redonditos of ricota also speak of the excrement who come from your pais, is a pain that you do not know that they sing... Juan PS: THE ARGENTINE FALKLANDS! PS: andres nocioni has but eggs that vos and that all your family.
Wizards clinch playoffs! Gilbert clinches Brown Hornet's booby!!!! Intern Ken Beatrice was twisting his own nipples tonight, too, but he was doing it in the dark comforting confines of the Mothering Hut!!!
posted by wizznutzz OUR FAMOUS MOTHERING HUT T-SHIRTS PERMALINK |
Saturday, April 15, 2006
Chinatown Massacre! Pull on ya purple blankets and lace up your black Nikes, it's Heaven's Gate time!!! Wizz commit mass suicide just before playoffs and Fiesta Asia begin!! (note multicultural mixing of Spanish word "fiesta" and Asian word "asia"; english translation? "GOOD TIMES")
During a recent Town Hall meeting at Verizon Center titled "Last Chance to Exit Planet Wizz Before It's Recycled," Abe Pollin (shown above) has somehow convinced everybody but Gilbert Arenas that the only way to transcend being a .500 club is to "exit their human vehicles" and turn over team to four new 10-day contract players named Hale Bopp. They will form an all-Alien-backcourt with GIlbert who will still take all the shots because the Hale Bopps will be too busy chanting about "Moomintrolls in de autobus".
But soon Gilbert will find out that Abe has hired a suicide squad not ballers and he will take it as a snub, and he will kill them all because he's The Assassin, aka Agent Zero. Gilbert's method of assassination? A special beverage called "The Mortal Shroud," a phenobarbital-laced applesauce and vodka concoction that just so happens to be the Wizznutzz fave drink just after the "Meaty Sambuca."
If the Wizards don't make the playoffs they should send Eddie Jordan to the Mothering Hut we sent them because this collapse is on him and his drawn-in hair. He's had this squad for three years and despite team being 3rd in scoring the Princeton offense is still in Princeton and the defense is over in Iraq protecting America from three-point bombs!!!!!
But what happened to the frontlines of D in arenas all around U.S.? Brendan Haywood plays defense like he's read too many Siegfried Sassoon poems about the horror of trench warefare. Here's one Sassoon poem, "Attack," that Kwame and Brendan rewrote last year just before Wiz vs. Bulls playoffs:
At dawn the tunnel emerges massed and dun In the wild Bulls red of the glow'ring sun, Smouldering through spouts of drifting half-smokes that shroud The menacing scarred slope of Scott Skiles; and, one by one, Curry and Chandler creep and topple forward to the wire. The barrage roars and lifts. Then, clumsily bowed With bombs and guns and shovels and And Ones, me and Kwames jostle and climb to meet the bristling fire. Lines of grey, muttering faces, masked with fear, We leave the paint, going over the top, While time ticks blank and busy on their wrists, And hope, with furtive eyes and grappling fists, Flounders in mud. O Jesus, make it stop!
First, don't you guys know that war metaphors in sports is in COMPLETELY BAD TASTE since this country is currently at war with the WHOLE UNIVERSE? Second, what kinda pussout playoff poetry is that from the Big Men???? No wonder the Wiz lost the first two!!!! Luckily Etan Thomas read some of his poetry after game two, fired up the team and the Wiz came back to win 4 straight.
But Brendan, before Siegfried put on his pink panties and started writing poemtry, didn't you know he was called "Mad Jack" for his suicidal exploits against the German frontline? Perhaps you should bayonet that dirty Argentinean Andres Nocioni right in his Gooch the next time he's in the paint?
In fact if Wizards fall to below 5th spot they should take away Eddie Jordan's job and give it back to Wes Unseld, who never really had a fair shot at running this club. What can a man accomplish in 25 years other than continual mediocracy? NOTHING!! That's why Wes deserves 25 more. Wheel him out on a gurney and let him yell out, "Number two, Number two!" which isn't an offensive play but rather the load he dropped into the bedpan. PLAYERS WILL RESPOND!!!
Then get Larry Brown as Wes's assistant coach, and then you can have two old dudes on a siamese loveseat gurnery lying prone and screaming out random bodily functions and castrating insults to super-sensitive multimillionaires. Is that not a formual for success? This team will take all their cranky codger screams as a major snub and start playing at least .505 basketball. RACK ME!!!
Intern August Strindberg is known as a famous playwrite, but when not composing odes to "The Sweet Release" that comes from a cup of Hemlock tea, he's painting portraits of his houseboy, Tant. Strinberg's carrier pigeons recently brought us a painting of his direct from Sweden that expresses his suicidal dispair over the Wizards' late season collapse. Stringberg calls it "Still Life With Tant and the Ghosts of Whores Past." Click on image for larger version!!!
posted by wizznutzz OUR FAMOUS MOTHERING HUT T-SHIRTS PERMALINK |
Thursday, April 13, 2006
MAN WHEN THE DUTCHESS OF YORK PUTS ON HER BRA SHE CLINCHES FASTER THAN THE WIZ !
The wheels are falling of the bus. and even when the bus had 4 wheels, one of them was a tiny brave temporary spare one that barely touched the ground (ANtonio!) ANd now Carons out and the the bus wobbles and loses its rhythm, and the bus driver can change the tries but he doesnt know how to rotate em. Coaches nut bag is finally and totally empty. He played it fast and tite all season and youi gotta sleep with the girl you took to the prom but coach is panicking cause when he went to the prom, he took his mom.
And what about the rest of peeps on the bus? >????
well lets just say this bus goes to the SPECIAL School.
Donnell Taylor cant sit still in his seat and is jumping up and down and when they stopped to get gas, he got off the bus and just started running full speed down the highway with his tounge out like a dog. Our bench is thinner than Andray Blatche in a seersucker leotard. Arvee Storey, Calvin Booth, these guys have fear in their eyes. though to be fair to Calvin it may just be the cataracts.
Weve been bizee working on top secret projects and ripping our Washington Dips soccer hi-lites for Youtube so there were some games we have to recap, games uglier than Popeye Jones when he went through his Dexys Midnight Runners phase.
First off tho, awesome comments on the inflatable dolls. We laffed so hard the Pom Noisettes were coming out our noses. And awesome Lost Colony Ramos updates from superfan JKlein. Captain John Smith called the roanoke natives "passive" and PJ took that as a snub. He cant wait to play Jamestown!!
OK THE GAMES BUCKS Last night proved the wiz just dont have enough foreskin to cover their flaws. They let ANdrew "FATAL SHORE" Bogut run amok, like the revenge of Fear Pouch. When he wasnt beating up the lebanese or swapping wheat for Iraqi oil , Bogut was throwing down big white windmills.
And did you see after he got by Jared for the jam and cleary scareamed "F**k You! Motherf**ker!!!!" tru fact. check the TivO.
This kid can barely see out of one eye because of exposure to the Myxomatosis, how can we let him dominate the landscape like the bloodyBungle Bungles??!!??.
First of all, I thought the NBA had instituted a No Bogans policy after David Stern got beaten up by a kid in Ugg boots at the Traralgon Cold Chisel concert.
Second of all, scouts say ANdrew Bogut is like a cheap australian cask wine: he possesses a regrettable finish and long, sweaty legs.
Thirdly: When Bogan wasnt doin it to us, it was Joe SMith and Toni Whocock Twocock Kukok. Joe SMiths talent declined faster than Steve Segals and his financing is even shadier. And you know how old Toni Kukoc is??? His urine is so musty it outsells the Buck Bomb at gun showzz !!!!
JJ Fourthstein: Where was Brendon Haywood aka "Balsawood" during all this?? I mean besdies gettin his vegemite drilled by the Bogan King? Well its spring time, anjd Brendan loooooves the spring. Like ee cummings, he loves the sweet small clumsy feet of April and the small, intimate, gently primeval hands, of May.
OK MORE GAMES:
BOSTON
We win! Dr Chestnutt leaves awesome comments about Gilbert Areanas and Infinte Jest. Gilbert gets signed jersey from Paul Pierce, then Red Aurbach signs "And Zero" on his shoes with urine. Heidegger fails to show at the Ruby Tuesday parking lot for the duel with intern August Strindberg but he sent a message that while he was up to philosophical challenge, hes just too afraid of tights on men. But we love Heidgger for inventing that automatic beer dispenser out of an old Sears can opener and ontologically informed angst.
Wiz run endless concentric circles around the dreaded "WHite Triangle" of Scallopine, Serbiak and Raef "The Frentz" LaFrentz
When Scalabrine makes his lumbering move in the paint, he looks like a man emerging from the woods, trying to shake off a pack of raccoons.
Who is the Boston TV color man that is so old that he compares Gilbert Arenas to "Dolph Shayes"!!!! ????????
HAWKS We lost!?!?! Heres what we say about rhe Hawks. Are the hawks still in the NBA? Im getting worried about Antwans Knees at this point. His shot is flat. My worries are made worse when I read here that he carries a furry man-purse, (no not the kind of furry man-purse jahidi white carries, this ones a real purse!)
Meanmwhile Jared Jeffries has gone all black-amish: the chinstrap beard and the commitment to non aggression. His beard is the exact same length as his head hair. Its like a ski mask basically. Jared Jeffires, is your father Furious Styles??? Is your father Wooly Willy???
Maybe its a magic 3-point beard though, the way hes been throowing em up.
Oh and gilberts back snaps in half like a dry stick and he says hes "35%" and then scores 70 points.
MIAMI Nemesis!!! We will break down the heat in the next couple weeks for playoff run. But a couple quick incites:
1. Its a national tv game, so phil and steve have to tone down the biased commentary. yes thats right, they are kinder to the wiz than usual!
2. Michale ruffin is fouling and not getting boards the way he usually does. If you are Mike Ruffin, you MUST GET THE BOARDS Im not gonna harsh on Ruffrider, especially since the squirrels have awoken from a cold winter, but ill say this:
If you are a fat, toothless girl in a beauty pageant, you better speak good in the Interview portion if you know what im saying.
PHILIDELPHIA I dont even rembember this game. Its not that importsant. whats done is done..
If you are fan of gilbert you gotta check it out!!!
And if you are a fan of Gilbert you gotta checkout the USA Today weekend Magazine this weekend. Trust us. check it out. you wont be sorry. Unless you are sorry about the greatest thing ever printed on paper.
Gil collects signed jerseys like he does everything -- obsessivley!
"When I'm done, I'm going to build an all-glass gym and have them built in the floor."
Man thats cool, when he quits ballin hes gonna go extra crazy with the spare time, and building a giant glass temple of memorabilia is the perfect mad quest hobby. But grandiose retirement plans dont always work out the way u want right? Just ask former Bullets Baller STAN LOVE. He got in with a bad crowd of creative anachronists and next thing he knows hes at the Maryland town hall being told "Prince Of Gaithersburg" is not a recognized power!!!
and then finds out that the metrobus does not take Gaulish Tarins , which he had converted his life savings to, and so he walked home, his homemade armor sounding the clanking footsteps of a man marking out the boundaries of his own limitations.
Maybe Werner Herzog will make an intense and obsessive documentary about Gilbert! "The Mesh Messiah" maybe.
That would be so sweet! But no, i forgot, Gilbert doesnt talk to Werner anymore cuz of the time they were playing Gauntlet 4-player coop-mode at the PuttPutt Arcade with Kinski and Blatche, and Werner's elf got killed, and he started bugging Gil by doing this grave voiceover to try and distract Gilbert from his game and then Werner crossed the line when he says
"Stupidity is the devil. Look in the eye of a chicken and you'll know. It's the most horrifying, cannibalistic, and nightmarish creature in this world. "
Some snubs cant be unsnubbed.
Plus anyway gilbert isnt so obsseive after all, hes just "a WAYSHOWER" , thats according to trainer Steve Stricker, who uses alternative medicine and rest to cure wizards players (why do you think Jarvis Hayes smells like cloves?) .
Steve Stricker announced last week that Gilbert does NOT have ADD or ADDHD or OCD. He does NOThave Aspergers Syndrome, even though he particpated in the Jimmy The Greek Aspergers Skills Challenge at this years All Star Weekend (skills included: taking food off others plates, making fun of birthmarks, raising ones hand when farting). And hes not retarded or EVil.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
OK So game incites 2 come later, but our fave new Bullets site, DETROIT BAD BOYS BLOG keeps bringing home the bacon!!
FIRST This awesome picture of a young SHeed and WIlt Chamberlain!! Where did this come from!?? From never-before-seen film reel from the movie "Back 2 The Future", when b4 MJFox signed on , they were making it with an All-Black cast, thats where. Sheed as 'Mojo McFly' and Wilt as his pa George. In this scene George tells his son "Rubbers!? Where we're going we dont need rubbers" and that its cool to sleep with Mom and that when he was in High School he "parked" over 1000 times.
So much to love about this!!! Like they couldnt license his Pistonzz jersey so they dressed him like a Tampax Blue Power Ranger. And that they put this sticker where they put this sticker! I wonder if Big Ben has one of these in his room? Maybe he talks to it. Maybe it haunts him. Maybe he plays Tekken 4 against it.
SO obviously its time for a
POP QUESTION!!!!
What inflatable present or past DC baller Doll do you have? Does it have any special features? What do you do with it? Comments comments comments!!!
Does your Llorenzo Williams doll have leaky knees? Did your Duckworth Doll come half-inflated? Is your Jahidi Doll constructed out of pudding skins? Was this idea totally stolen from Wizznutzz failed business
