Friday, March 31, 2006
Chico's Tube!! FOR REAL!! Are you Iggin' Me???
Do you think that's Rod Strickland playing the love interest? Nice ta ta's for a point guard!!! Ledell Eackles had some nice headlights, too, except they were more like messy fog lights, hanging down like christmas ornaments as he and his lack of a neck rumbled down the court in search of somebody to turn it over to. "Pass it to me Ledel! "I date black women!!!" said Rex Chapman, standing at half court but already prepared to shoot. But Ledell (Dell to his teammates, Mr. Dell to the trainers, "Mama No" to Steve Blake), was always looking for the sure thing, which meant dumping it into Gheorge Mursesan and letting him try to dunk it even if that meant dunking it into the vat of Turkish coffee Gheorge kept in his Kevin Duckworth Charity Marsupial Pouch. Gheorghe is Romanian, you know like Vlade Divac, and he always needed black coffee and rolled tobacco on the court to keep him from falling into a deep slumber and dreaming of Gypsies coming to steal him from his bed at night because they would sell him into slavery and make him beg for change when all he wanted to do was beg for the ball in the paint, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?????!!!!!!
So, anyway, THIS VIDEO RULES!!! The prison-chapel dance scene is off da hook!! It's like Rent without a budget or real dancers!!! And then at the end when that raven flies out of Chicao's butt?? Are you iggin' me??? DANA has DREAMED of being that raven!!
posted by wizznutzz OUR FAMOUS MOTHERING HUT T-SHIRTS PERMALINK |
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
INCITE:
So how you like me now Mike WIlbon? Writing your column after the Nets loss about how wiz blew that ganme and were gonna get wiped up on the road and arent a team to reckon with. The only thing mike wilbon pays less attention to than Wiz is his wife. Flapping those mule-mouth pizza-crumb choppers, "look how much it takes to bore me" take a hike pal, wiz are 3-1, out-running old knees, meeting weird northwest mascots. Other teamz have homers in their corner, we got travellers and doubters. Buckhantz is bad enough.
Buckhantz is also well known for being overly anti-climactic and pronouncing the 2nd "O" in the word "sophomore".
I swear we didnt rite that
CHALLENGE: Wizznutzz loyal readers, heres the challenge, go to wikipedia, and try and add wizznutzz maddness to DC player and former playa bios. The funniest one that gets in wins a scratch and sniff Ledell Eackles card and Ken Beatrice will record moans on your answering machine!
Where was I, oh wilbon. So the Nets were no easybeats , they won a million in a row and even beat Pistons in Palace like we did so when they nipped us it was a team of Davids beating a team of Davids, xcpt one of their davids beats giants and wives.
SCOOP!: Wizznutzz spies reports seeing Vince Carter on the Undergorund Railroad aka the Red Line To Shady Grove on way to the game listening to his iPod and pulling on his shandy-boy stirrup pants and what was playing on his iPod??? ARCTIC MONKEYS! No not the popular indie band Arctic Monkeys!!!! but the Arctic Monkeys Kristic and Planinic, who recorded a hip-hop version of Under Milk Wood. Zenad playz the role of Mrs. Ogmore-Pritchard as a streetwise rapping house cat called Toby von Smalls.
Nazir, 8, thinks he's already a better basketball player than dad. Rashida, 2, the couple's only daughter, gets her daddy to sit down for tea parties. Fatima loves watching Wallace trying to delicately hold the tiny teacup by the handle with his big fingers.
Woah that last sentence was almost exactly the same as police report steve blake filed with Vienna Spefcial Victims Unit in 2004
B4 the Nets game Wiz won home and home against Bernie Butterstaff's Bobcats. It was great to see The Baxter back on the floor! What a double header! its like seeing Citizen Kane and a Gnome Named Gnorm back 2 back! Butterstaff actually quoted from A Gnome Named Gnorm when he was describing The Baxter in the postgame press conference:
"Pookah has round Bobos!"
True quote!
Then last night Wiz clocked the SAcraMENTOS Freshmakers even though Tim Thomas was a dirty bird and knocked Caron upside his dome but Steve Stricker slapped some craft paste and a big pink bandaid on the dome and caron was rite as rain, but tim thomas got chucked and best be staying out of Carons ways or he'll get beatdown with a juvie hall lunch tray. Caron makes one call to Oprah, Tims dead in a ditch. Not only that, but Gilbert Arenas was out with the flu, and after he got snubbed by the flu, he has waged all-out war against germs JuanDixon style.
QUESTION: If Arenas if President, and Booth killed the President, will Booth kill Arenas? Arenas is Assassin so will Arenas kill Booth in a pre-emptive strike? Or will Arenas kill himself?
Too bad Gil mjissed the game b/c if hed play it would be Gilbert vs Artest, matching up the leagues two twitchiest players.
INCITE Donnell Taylor when he wears the white headband looks alot like LBoogie, except without the green eyes and he follows the play and not the money trail and doesnt wear a tiara and break his hands handling his breakfast.
Meanmtime Steve Buckhantz continues to count off wizards turnover totals with such an exhausted pleasure. Hes like the Count from Sesame Street, "Three WIzrads Turnovers, HaHaHaHa" . Phil Cheniers also like the COunt, in that he sleeps with his eyes open and smells of hot palms and felt.
posted by wizznutzz OUR FAMOUS MOTHERING HUT T-SHIRTS PERMALINK |
Sorry about those postings below, folks, we didn't realize Ken had broken free from the chains and figured out the new blogger password. He loves Chico's Tube, tho, and when he gets a belly full of Canadian Levitra and starts humping that Brendan Haywood growth chart we can't stop him, we can only hope to contain him -- usually in the Mothering Hut, but he picked the lock with his "jeff kent."
posted by wizznutzz OUR FAMOUS MOTHERING HUT T-SHIRTS PERMALINK |
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
1995 Bullets highlights set to Nazi music!!!!??? YESS!!! Chico's Tube comes thru again!!! OH, mommy, I'm coming to the Hut!!! I don't deserve this!!!! Webber? Howard? SHEED???? Gheorge drinking urine? (Just guessing!!) Uhhh!!! MY STRAP-ON HAD A Hard-On DURING THIS WHOLE VIDEO!!! xoxo, Ken
Rod's #5!!!! Legs is #8!!! White people are #8 through #10!!! Two Wizz and three honkys in the Top 10 Plays of 1998-1999??? THIS LIST MUST BE FAKE!!! Except Chico's Tube says it's REAL!!! PINCH ME Jarkko!!! I must be dreaming, except Wes Unseld keeps showing up in a thong while singing Black Flag songs!!!!! xxox, Ken
ANtwan is A YOU TEE OH MATIC. It used to be like, sure, heez more likely to drop a floater than wes unsled in the charity cruise hot tub. but now he makes em from half court. is he the best pure shooter in wizards history??? besides jeff mcinness i mean? I love the way Antonio BROWN HORNET Daniels goes to the hole. You can see hes gonna dunk from like 40 feet out, he winds it up so big. he has to work on his landings though, he's like a drunk stork. Utah refs tried to throw utah the game by calling "carrying" on Gilbert every other time down the court b/c it was Mailmans final delivery night, and the sportacsters kept talking about "HORNY" - i hope they meant jeff hornacek. boy how fast did i forget about that guy! maybe hes keeping low profile after taking advatage of Jazz "Second Wives Program". Utah retired Malones Jersey and vowed that to honor him, no one would wear that # for the jazz again, and that in fact no black man would play for the jazz again.
meantimes,Professor Lindeman aka TIN MAN, who runs GarBot Artificial Brainz Youth Society ('G BABYS!') that teaches robot swearing to minors, send in this recent conversation GarBot had with someone called NAYA!
Gar Heard: Hi. Im Gar Heard v1.0.
Naya: Hi how are ya Gar Heard: Hi Naya!
Naya: Who are you Gar Heard: My name is Gar Heard. And you are Naya.
Naya: Who is you favorite basket ball team Gar Heard: Chicago bulls.
Naya: Why? Gar Heard: Because.
Naya: Because what? Gar Heard: Oh, I see your point, then.
Naya: Really Gar Heard: Of course!
Naya: Then whats my Point?? Gar Heard: I simply just don't know what your point is. Can you teach me?
Naya: No I can't Gar Heard: I can't eat any way, so don't worry. But can I just have a teensy weensy piece off that pie?
Naya: I don't have any pie.SORRY Gar Heard: I want a any pie.sorry?
Naya: I don't have any pie! Gar Heard: I want a any pie?
Naya: What? Gar Heard: I am not sure what.
Naya: Who is your favorite NBA player? Gar Heard: Darvin Ham. Sometimes I like Kwame too. He is very young.
Naya: Kwame is horrible. Gar Heard: I am pretty sure. Yes.
Naya: My favorite player is Gilbert Arenas, Gar Heard: Remember when Gil passed out in the bathtub. He said it was a virus? Yeah if Jahidi White and an Altoid tin of Roofies is a virus, then I am Tim Leglers lawn mower!
Naya: Thats hilarious! But he is still my favorite Gar Heard: Sorry, no encores. Beige. Kwame Beige.
Naya: Huh Gar Heard: Sorry, circuits slow. Plantar fascitis except for robot brain. Ask another question please.
Naya: Do you like jaun Dixon Gar Heard: How would I know. Juan dixon never talks to me. Hes afraid of computer viruses. That Howie Mandell is putting crazy ideas in his head about microbes.
Naya: What about steve blake Gar Heard: Jesus, that kids so filthy he could give ME tetanus! He can play though dont you think?
Naya: What about Jamison Gar Heard: I heard you the first time, smartass. You sound like that turd Lynam.
Naya: Thats mean, Im leaving Gar Heard: Really? I am not leaving.
OK yeah so things ahve been quiet here but behind the scenez more rumblings than Abe Pollin at the proctololgist.
As loyal superfazz know one of wizznutzz founding interns was the very reverend Darvin Ham of the Washington and detroit Bullets, he was such a important intern that we even elected him unaminously to be our first ever OMBUDSMAN!!. if anyone knew what "Ombudsman" meant we knew that person would be Darvin.
But 2 months ago Darvin had to leave the country because he had an offer he cant refuse: he was offered an exclusive spot in the PBA aka THE PEEB!
-The Talk N Text Phone Pals -The Purefoods Chunkee Giants -The Sta. Lucia Realtors -The Crispa Redmanizers (1975-1984) -The Great Taste Coffee Makers (1975-1992) -The Moist & Meaty Less Active Formula -The Vagisil Maximum Strength Cremes Foaming Wash (Team Slogan: 'Sometimes Nature Gets It Wrong') -The Attends(TM) Bog Catchers -The Danbury Mint Big Boys -The Hormel Potted Meat -The Herpes Simplex
SO Darvin was signed by Philippine Basketball Association team Talk N Text Phone Pals. He went to Phillipines with high hopes and many questions. What are the backboards made of? Are the gypsys friendly? Why does my Phillipine Cheesesteak smell like wet fur?
And though we were so sad to lose our anchorman, we wre happy for darvin, and so was phillipines, they LOVED darvin as we all knew because he is exceptional and charmy, smashing boards, smashing fear. He played great, sure he was no Bogs Adornado but he won hearts. He was so loved, the Phillipine government appointed him as Minister Of Agriculture! He got to wear a sash, he had a driver, he had gold mandals blessed by a brown pope.
He was on top of world but then life threw him a hamslam. And now Darvin is disgraced and resigned from his position and regular fillipinos who once loved darvin as national hero and hope calling for him to be caned!
How did this happen so quickly, well 3 things:
1. Phillipines appointed Darvin to Minister of Agriculture. The first thing they ask him, is they say :"We need a website, Ham. All the good countries Agriculture Ministries have websites." Now Darvin knows the paint but not the web, plus phillipines only has three computers, and none of them was Colecovision operating systen DHam wuz used to. So Darvin asked his old freind steve blake: "make me a website for ministry of AG, Ill pay you" and sure enough Steve Blake made a website, made one fast. Darvin didnt even look at it but put it up, and for a week the government clapped him on the back "so professional darvin, sign my moped please" but the website was in english and finally someone had it translated and were horrified to discover that it was actually aSteve Blake Mandals Fetish Blog and had no info on produce or grains whatsoeva and the only crop was a crop of penis poking up to the sun light through the straps of a flip flop.
2. Darvin spent 70% of the Ministry's annual budget buying "Bacon Beans" from a mysterious stranger.
3. Scandal erupts when a huge import order for "for West Indian Gherkin" brokered by Mervis Diamond's ZED MERVIS turns out to actually be human slave trade!
DArvin was devastated by this, his new career once again In Shattered Glass. He loved being Minister for AGriculture. he liked the big house and the handshakezz, he liked the servants because it meant his wife didnt handle the wine! But Darvin is innocent and guilty only of his innocence. The flippin fillipinos have themselves to blame, they wanted to put the cart b4 the mule, they wanted to think Darvin could solve a countrys agriculture problems, plus they should have known he had no mind for grain becasue they tested him using the RACIST science of PHRENOLOGY. Well thats a big accussation WNutz, whats yuour evidence???
A highly-placed source from the pro league said that the 6-7, former Detroit Piston, arrived Sunday and will be officially measured today.
"Talk N Text has requested for Darvin Ham's measurement. We have already made unofficial measurement yesterday and he will be officially measured today," the source said.
posted by wizznutzz OUR FAMOUS MOTHERING HUT T-SHIRTS PERMALINK |
Hi everybody, sorry for no updates. We've had some Blogger issues, plus Intern Ken Beatrice made some roast beef last week and forgot to tell us that he marinated the meat in a pot of his own sweat. Tasted like bouillabaisse made from rotten carp!!! Which is what Bullets cologne smelled like!!
We are all sick and doubled over in pain, as is Ken who's been punishing himself in the Mothering Hut for the past week for his culinary crimes. (Though come to think of it he does that every year at this time. Holy Shiite!!!)
But luckily we recruited some new interns: We'll get back to regular incites real soon!!! After we teach them what a computer is!!!
posted by wizznutzz OUR FAMOUS MOTHERING HUT T-SHIRTS PERMALINK |
Thursday, March 16, 2006
OK so incites to come tomorrow fingers crossed but heres a clip from last nites game!!! YOU GOT TO HARVEST YOUR NUTS!
Monday, March 13, 2006
WIZARDS MUG BULLETS SATURDAY NIGHT!
Wiz shot lites out, while Big Ben was Benjamin Smalls and Pistons were less SUpremez and more Ben Folds Five.
Gilbert Arenas tattoed "9:51" on his knuckles and exacts assassins revenge on Flip Saunders. Man if Gil went that crazy over the all-star 'snub', imagine what he would do if he was playing 1-on-1 against his estranged mom! Hed be raining Js on her, boxing her out hard, taunting her, and shed get choked up and plead "Gil , please, not your mother" and Gil would suddnely stop, and put his hand to his mouth and say "what have i done. forgive me ma" and go up to hug her and at the last minute, he'd yank down her shorts and blow by her and HAMSLAMZZ and flips her the 2bird!!!
Dream Seats! They name them that because when Patrick Ewing was assistant coach with the wiz, he would sit in those seats during games and stare into space and dream about baked beans. Dan Snyder has reputation for going all out and this was no exception. Executive Nachos all around!!!! "Sweet Ambassador" Gheorghe Muresan handed out licorice strips. And Adam Archuleta thanked Snyder at press conference for sending complimentary masseuse to his room. What Masseuse? says Snyder, i didnt send a masseuse? Meanwhile PJ Ramos recieves technical at matinee game the folloiwing day in Roanoke for having "excessive oil" on his palms.
Zero vs. The Truth. The empty actuality of Being vs. Infinite Change. Put Strindberg on it Wizznutzz, I'll see if Celticsdoom can dig up Heidegger. Investigation #1 - what are the existential ramifications of The Void of Pure Nothingness telling The Principles of Reality to go fuck itself? Is bacon the fundamental component of all matter?
August prefers pistols to patter but We shall telegram him in Trosa where he is spending the next couple weeks catching a little sun and burying himself alive.
AND FINMALLY,
we saw this awesome thing, that someone found our site when they asked the interweb the question:
I watched the WizHeat game the other night with spanish commentators but an L is a L and a nut is a nut, except in spanish when its a "tuerca", amigos! I dont understand spanish but last nite the guys kept yelling "PANTALONES EN EL PISO" and "¡DAGA!" -- anyone know what that means???
But i didnt need to hear what i see with my eyes, wizard D giving up more back doors that Jahidi White at the Teddy Bears picnic! Sure Shaq is a great big greedy guts and Mike Doleac looks uncomfrtable since he left Gipetto's workshop and Antoine Walker is whoreface and Kenny Loggins has anorexia but Heat have our number and that number is 1-800-555-SOMEBODYPLEASEHITDWADEINTHEPENIS.
Wiz were tired from back2back and playing soft so EJord put in the BTeam, and the BTeam, well they BReal!Those Guys have paid their dues, and andray blatche pays his dues with SLENDER TENDER my friends. Donnell Taylor though, donnell, like Juan Dixon, you are TOO confident, like Jim Rome and Billy Bush and Hitler. Donnell needs more minutes but minutes in the Mothering Hut.
But what we gotta talk about right now is ETAN THOMAS. Lets talk.
ETAN INCITE #1:
A few weeks ago there wuz rumors everywhere about the wizards going to trade Etan Thomas. The rumors said etan not getting minutes and he doesnt fit into the run and gun game style (which people still call "Princeton Offense" even though it is opposite of Princeton offense - no passes, no whites - but Eddie Jordan and Pricneton Offense forever connected in our minds like Ham + Swiss, Kwame + Salieri, Ruland + Gerbils) But Etan has been with the team the longest, he is heart and soul, and I know guys arent crazy about showering with a Poet, but NBA has "dont ask dont tell" policy on poets so NO PROBLEM.
No one ever asked Etan his thoughts on this, but thats cuz Etan is like a lion, like Aslan, and like Wittgenstein says "If a Lion could talk, we would not be able to understand him".
Were the rumors even tru? No one will know. The only trade rumour that was even possible under the salary rules was Etan Thomas for Dylan Thomas and cash, but the trade was shot down cuz Dylan Thomas scored a 7 on the Wunderlic Test* and is allergic to shorts.
-----
*Sample Answer from Dylan Thomas' wunderlic test 14. Assume the first two statements are true. Is the final one: 1. true, 2. false, 3. not certain? Tom greeted Beth. Beth greeted Dawn. Tom did not greet Dawn.
Answer: Dead men naked they shall be one With the man in the wind and the west moon
Well we know it must of been a quick fight for one thing. A, because weve seen Etans game: passive non-resistance, and B, bvecause of the way BHaywood backpeddles like a unicyclist during timez of conflict. Brendan haywood is so much like Mister Softee that when he goes to the loo he swivels his hips so he can deliver his number 2s like soft-serve. Plus Brendan used to call Etan "Mister Presidente" before there was the real electionn that swept gilbert into office.
So why the bad blood?
They said it was just onje of those things, like when Jerry Stackhouse clocked CLaettner on the team plane during a card game, because CLate left beard trimmings in Stacks beach rental from his sunday gathering of the Church of the Machosensual Sciences. CLate protested that "on the 8th day, God groomed" while Stack says "that 8th day is still on my rental agreement" and CLate sdays "thats not what she said" and Stack: "lemme show you how I strangled her" and Jeff Macinness ran to the bathroom and slid down the door and wept like Glen Close.
Whats most definuitely goin on here is a lack of team discipline. this wouldnt have happened when Jahidi White was here because he was an enforcer whjo not only set the borrowing prime rate for Kools, but ruled with a meaty fist. And there was no problems with fights when Peter LOST COLONY Ramos was in the showers thats for damn sure.
We like to say manute Bol is like the Sudan's Muhammad Ali but without the integrity or physical strength, well Captain John Ramos is like the Puerto Rican Max Schmeling! Ever hear about any fights during Roanoke Dazzle practices? I didnt think so. Party John once ordered a "code red" on Seth Baliboa like in a Few Good Men cause Seth "moved my pruno"
the wizznutzz are in pliant awe of this article! its simply extraordinary. We insist everyone: go read this masterpiece right now, from start to finish, then come back...
I KNOW!
OK lets analize the genius of scoop jackson.
FIRSTLY scoop reveals to us the incredible uniqueness of Etan,
a black man who: -is PRO affirmative action! -is AGAINST the war! -DOES NOT trust republicans! -is FOR isolationist foreign policy!
SECONDLY yeah thats a profound portrait but scoop jackson has something WAY more important he wants u 2 know. And that is.... SCOOP IS BLACK!
Has there ever been anything so insisting and desperate to convince you of its blackness. NO. Wait yes, that Al Jolsen ringtone Scott Skiles used to carry on his cellphone.
From the way he writes, By god , Scoop jackson must be the blackest man alive!!!!!!!!! In fact Scoop jackson may be the first man ever to WRITE IN BLACKFACE! That TAPA TAPA TAPA on his keyboard when he writes? Thats THE SOUND OF BLACKNESS! You know hes black cause he quotes old rappers and uses free verse and writes like hes talking out loud and has more street-smart segways than a dot com sack race! Scoop hips and hops and drops knowledge, hes an ideas man like HL MENCKEN but hes ALSO a soulman, like DL HUGHLEY!
How does he do it?
well Scoop carries with him the 3 essential reference materials that any sassy spoken-word black sports journo needs:
1. Liner notes to a Common CD 2. Boggle 3. A copy of the black thesaurus. Whats a black thesaurus you say? Why Its Roget's - Roget Moseley's Black Thesaurus, 7th Edition, thats what.
Then Just when you think Scoop is as black as is possible, he brings up DuBois' 'double consciousness":
Two points to him is secondary, but he doesn't just ball for the check. He loves the game too. That's the duality of DuBois he must live.
What does that mean? What it means is that black people always have a split personality, there is the second part of them that is self conscious and aware of their blackness in a world where they are racially SNUBBED. Scoop is got it all wrong of course, hes talking bout a doublness not a duality, etan likes playing hoops AND getting paid! BUT DuBois knew, DuBois knew this firsthand, because on Benson, Benson DuBois was the only black person working for the governor and even though he was the brains and ran the place and made all the good jokes, he could never escape the fact of his blackness. Even thopugh Benson got good japes at Kraus' expense, he must have envied her her sense of completeness. Confusing? Ill tell you how DOuble COnsciousness works in Scoop Jackson's world:
Scoop walks into the changing rooms at ESPN's Bristol campus, and as he heads to his locker, Berman walks out of the showers and Berman walks up to the scales, steps on, drops his towel, looks at Scoop and says "Hi Hootie" and Scoop dies a miniature death
THIRDLY
Scoop Jackson is the best writer ever. Not even Tom Knott can molest prose like Scoop. We dont care that Harold Bloom called Slam poetry "the death of art." Whats not to like! Scoop talks about Baobabs (the african bacon tree) and hes enthusiastic and spells awesome. His editor lets him move words around like a hamster. Maybe his editor is a hamster. We say about SPorts Writing, its like the nursery song, "When its very very good, its good, and when its good its awful". dont know why we say that really.
Scoop is like the black ernest hemmingway sometimes, with his terse mannered sentences which make him sound profound:
The "it takes a village to raise a child" children. The village voices. He is among them in voice.
In principle. In theory.
But not in reality.
But you think hemingway could then trun around and flip a sentence like this??:
He's the only one who makes noise about it, he's the only one who Public Enemy's it to the public's enemies. Which is what makes him -- he, E -- so needed and so important. Because in a world of Terminator Xs, we all need a little Chuck D in our lives.
A little philosophy. A little BDP. A little ...
... introduction to poetry.
NO he couldnt because Scoop is like Benson also, 2 fold, a minimalist like hemmingway, but also a black afro-maximalist, bitches.
SPeaking of Hemmingway reminds me of an exclusive Hemmingway story we publsihed on WIzznutzz last yuear and we reprint here in expanded form wioth new bonus sentences!
"CURIOSITIES IN BERN" by Ernest Hemmingway
Darvin stood up and walked to the end of the station. Across, on the other side, were fields of grain and trees along the banks of the Ebro. Far away, beyond the river, were mountains. The shadow of a cloud moved across the field of grain and he saw the river through the trees. 'And we could have all this,' she said. 'And we could have everything and every day we make it more impossible.' 'What did you say?' said Darvin. 'We can have everything.' 'No, we can't.' 'We can have the whole world.' 'No.' 'We can go everywhere.' 'No, we can't. It isn't ours any more. I know I have a job to do, and I'm always going to be ready to do it. But they wont give me the chance. They send me away. They send me to play Chinamen. I'll play Chinamen.' 'Chinese' 'What?' 'They like to be called Chinese.' 'I'll play squirrels.' 'It can still be yours Darvin' 'No, it can't. And once they take it away, you never get it back. It's not been easy to sit so much this season, but I have no complaints. ' 'But they haven't taken it away.' 'They want me to come in and be a spark for this team and that's exactly how I want to play.' 'Come on back in the shade,' he said. 'You mustn't feel that way.' 'They won't look me in the eye now.' 'You don't mean that. We will get some drinks. Don't think about it anymore.' 'I can't even go home. Home to Saginaw. My mother. Stares at me. That way. She is the Mayor.' 'She is your mother. It will be OK. Everything will be like it was.' 'Saginaw has hills. The hills stare at me. Do you know that feeling? Phil Chenier does. The hills there, they are like hills of white bacon.' 'You aren't even making sense dear. Try and relax.' 'It is white.' 'I've seen the hills, yes they are white.' 'No the bacon. Turkey bacon. Its white.' 'You are hungry is all. I'll order us some sandwiches. Please stop pacing.' 'Hunger. Uniform Violation. Thats what they said it was. Just some cheese in my sock. Tucked in my tube sock. Show me where it says that." 'Please.' 'It was just String cheese.' 'Its not your fault.' 'No excuses. ' Darvin said. 'I just know things. I will get to contribute.'
Its was raining outside, and Darvin put on yesterdays clothes.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
FREE BIRD!!! That was totally an ass breaking loss last night verses the CElts!! Our Rex Chapman gameworns are positively fouled with the loads we collectively dropped when THE TRUTH dropped that last-second threee over the unstable D of Constable Caron and Hands Up No Jump von Gilbertstein (SNUB!). But even more amazing was the fact that Gilbert FLIPPED THE BIRD to Paul Penis Piercing after Gilbz shot that tying J right into PeePee's grill with 14 sseconds left in regs!!!! We totally saw him flip the bird and we couldn't believe our eyes, which were covered in bloody slices of bacon and Circuit City security tape!!! Luckily our new best friend Mr. Irrelevant caught the details on his TiVO!! > Gilbert was once told that his middle-finger insults were lacking (SNUB!!), so he stayed up 27 hours straight perfecting The Art of the Bird. Look at the middlefinger extension!! Look at the other fingers pulled tightly to the palm in order to highlight the FUCKYOUEDNESS of it all!!! Look at the akimbo thumbs, the chilled out hand positions, the lip-pursing passion!!!! Gilbert is a TOTAL PRO NOW!!! Fire up the Duckworth Charity Wagon: Gilbert will be flipping the bird for kids with cancer at a hospital near you very soon!!!!
posted by wizznutzz OUR FAMOUS MOTHERING HUT T-SHIRTS PERMALINK |
Sunday, March 05, 2006
OK that was a REAL tough loss last night i wont lie, but there is some good news!
Don Knotts dies, a new deputy is born, the circle of life continuezz! Constable Caron!!! You can take a boy out of Juvie but you cant take Juvie out of the boy! Now wiz have only back court in league that can read you the miranda rights. "You have the right to be hamslammed, should you chose to waive your right to be hamslammed, a hamslam will be appointed to you!"
Its a transatlantic exchange of the correctional scienses! Hayes and Butler, = "Law and Order"! Caron can teach Constable Hayes about the choke hold and spraying bear mace on drunks and Constable hayes can teach Deputy Butler about animal husbandry and chimney sweep air-rights and those dreaded rustlers, The Dimmsdale gang.!
WAIT THEREZ MORE!
Superfan TJ Doyle bears the greatest news of all. Even greater than news of Nelson Mandela guest directing an episode of "According To Jim"!! THE RETURN OF GIDZA!!! Gheorge Mursean, back on the court, one night only, TONIGHT!
The gentle giant will be playing in an exhibition game with The Maryland Nighthawks!!!! These Maryland Nighthawks Not to be confused with Chico DeBarge and Rod Strickland's neo-soul gang whose reign of terror in late 90s was tracked by authorities using an Applebees Locator Map.
Like Manute before him, Gheorge obviously misses the bright lights of exploitation!!! Either that or he has stockholm syndrome. (we looked it up Jaarko, its NOT a venereal diease and you cant ctach it from Herring)
If you cant make it to see Our Giant tonite, you can catch him at one of these events next week:
MONDAY: Cuts ribbon at new Mervis Diamond importers franchise in Columbia, MD, with Magnus ver Magnusson and Jeb Mervis. (Event is "Whites Only")
TUESDAY: The Morenoff Bris!
WEDNESDAY: Celebrity valet at the Palm.
THURSDAY: Tapes cable access pilot: Dancing With The Giants
FRIDAY: Charity sponger at the Supreme Court Carwash!
SATURDAY: Helping Michael Quint with his project at the the 6th grade Lowell School science fair. See Gheorge race a mouse through a huge maze!
More good news, check out Natalies sweet Need4Sheed blog! Featuring awesome videos of Sheed like when sheed was on The Family Guy going one-on-one withj Scott Skiles!
"You can hang out there and watch the beauty of Gilbert."
Thats what the manager of herndon circuit city says each morning at 10am when he wakes me up at the loading dock!
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Saturday, March 04, 2006
Somebody has to tell Antonio Daniels to take off his ankle weights before games and to stop wearing slippery ballet shoes -- not to mention those pink panties!!
Allen Iverson made Tony Toni Tone von Daniellson Family look like a WHITE GUY on this sick crossover!!
But then GILBERT COMES BACK AND SLAMS THE BALL IN PHILLY'S CHEESE FACES!!! So AWESOM!! Gilbert took Allen Iverson's undressing on Tonio Dan as an insult and oversight: "Why not undress me with your cross dressing? SNUB!!" Gilbert screamed before streaking down the court like he was being chased by a pack of treammill trained pitbulls -- then POW!! Fi Slamma Jamma Gimme the Hamma I'm Going Back to Bama WHAMA WHAMA WHAMA!!!!
Brilliant comments this week readers! You are all interns as far as wizznutzz are conerned, and in life, the interns are our future.
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