These are Heady Freddy dayzz for being a wizards fan right? The team is on fire, they are getting up and down faster than jeff Ruland at the sperm donors. Antwan jamison is so good at shooting hes going to try out for US Olympics team and when he gets there he will crush Irans dreaded "beard zone" defense all by himself and on the podium he'll flash the black power salute and controversy will follow him for weeks until he admits he was just reaching up to catch a bacon treat that Abe Pollin had thrown from of the stands. Caron Butler is all muscle and hustle and, OH YEAH, Gilbert Areans is the goddam President!! (His first act in office: Pardon Chico Debarge of course).
Could wizards make playoffs 2 YEARS IN A ROW after 2 decades of Pure Caca??!! Do you believe in miracles? We do but then we have seen intern and former radio host Ken Beatrice go into the Mothering Hut and emerge cured of "his needs"
So Whats the secret? Bryant Gumbel knows it: NO WHITE PLAYERS!
Gilberts gone mental, hes the chocolate chicken but he lays the golden eggs! He scored 23 points in one Quarter! Only Mikael SALLIERI Jordan scored more. he scored 24 but he also slept with tyronne lues wife on their wedding day and anyway 24 is only 4 in mule years.
Why is everyone making such a fuss about that school boy who has autism that scored 20 points in a game? Gilberts the RAIN MAN compared to that kid and gilbert scored 46! Gilbert gets no respect.
Adidias if they ever give him his shoe deal are gonna call it... the ZERO!!!!!
Iverson was "the Answer" LeBron is "Air Max" and Jahidi White had the Reebok "Breast Pump" but Gil gets 'ZERO'? Zero, Gil says stands for how many minutes they said hed get to play so its motivational boots he wants, he'll curse those horseshoes even as they hold his gallopp, "i hate you zero boots", DAGGER! Zero is also infiinty and everything and nothing at all, like the manic leaping thoughts in gilberts mind at 3am that just wont line up and lead everywhere and to nothing at once, a zero sum game, the mad total emptiness of the human condition.
I wonder what color theyll be???!!!!
Gilbert said its not about the money (hes already got a PS2 AND XBox and team pays for his shorts). He even says he would pay for the commercial to be made himself. Gilbert why dont you pay the wizznutzz to make it? You know we are like Atticus FInch and accept nontraditional forms of payment for our services (ryhmes with "Shakin")
Here is the commercial we would make for gilbert: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
[WIDE SHOT]--Its all Black and white (4 sardonic irony yo), and we see Gilbert in a dark gymnasium in his Pajamas, a big "zero" on the back of his pajama top, and then on the screenm in the corner it says "3:27 am..." and Gilbert is shooting shot after shot after shot and hes muttering things to himself like [CLOSE UP GILBERT] "four plus four is eight eight plus eight sixteen capital of florida tallahasee do dogs sneeze? " .....
[WIDE SHOT] --and then the ghost of actor Zero Mostel walks down from the bleachers and the ball Gilbert just shot bounces over to Zero Mostel's ghost [CAMERA TRACKS W/ BALL] and Mostel picks it up (ball is orange, the only color in the scene),
[MED SHOT MOSTEL] and then Zero starts yelling challenges at Gilbert:
"I hear that you are a lousy 3 point shooter" and he throws the ball to Gil who swishes a three. "They say you cant go to your left" And Gilbert dribbles in and jams it home left handed
"Word is you cant outrun wild dogs in a footrace"
Enter Gilberts pet pitbulls. [CLOSE UP] Gilbert looks at the dogs. [POV] The dogs growl and drool and bare their teeth. [CLOSE UP]Gilbert looks at Zero Mostel. [CLOSE UP]Then looks down at his Zero sneakers and camera tight focusses on the 'Zero'. CUT to Gilberts face, he grins.
As we FADE TO BLACK we hear the barking of dogs and the squeak squeak of basketball shoes.
Artistic AND AUTISTIC !!!!!!!!!!
Speaking of dogs...
how about that Knicks game! SO awesome. The Knicks are like a big expensive troupe of Ballroom dancers. they r hi-maintenance and fanciful and vainglorious and saturday night they were challeneged to a dance-off at the local rec center by the goddam TAP DOGS and the TDogs gave them a good old fashioned boot-stomping, cuz while Knicks are strictly ballroom, TDogz are a true team, a team of well-oiled machosensuous workmen in humble white tank tops and strech jeans bringing industrial themes to contemporary movement. Like Mike and the Mechanics but as we know they showed Mike the door. But most humiliating for Team Titanic is when they left the dance off, rhinestone body suits all torn up, a hobo confronted them on the subway, screamed "FREE CHUCKY" and stole the teams BeDazzler(tm) and was last seen using it to affix cigarette butts onto the back of his tattered coat to spell "ZERO" .
SO heres the new POP QUESTION since last ones got such great participatin and japes.
What would Gilbert Arenas do if he was President???
Remember, 10 comments = naked picture of Maury Chaykin ( i know we owe you one already but Jaarko left his Maury photos in on the italian subway)
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Sunday, February 26, 2006
Wizznutzz superfan Schoenfeld's Donut just brought something miraculous to our atttentionz:
OMG!!! SO manyn thoughts come to the brain but #1 thought has to be:
THANK GOD, HE'S GOT HIS MOTHER'S NECK!!!
when Ledell said he wanted to give his son every opportunity he never had, he wasnty joking about! like the opportunity to eat leaves of small trees and look both ways.
Ledell named his son "Ledell" (and his other son "Ledrick" , a popular name among gravediggers in Dickens time): which continues a narcissistic trend among DC ballers. Kwame Brown named his daugher Kwameeri (tru fact) and Rasheed called his daughterRashiyah so that she wouldnt forget where she casme from (iu think the bald patch on her head would have reminded her plenty but nthats just me) and that doesnt even count young Peter 'Joan' Ramos who can change a tire at 10 months.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Intern August Strindberg checks in from Norra Begravningsplatsen!!!
For yon months now I have been adrift in the snaggly whorls of the clenched pubis, hearing only echoes of ambiguity from our belov’d Wiz-Ards. Amidst the recent Stellar Hiatus, I freed myself from the succubus, via an ingenious plot hinging on an ingenious riddle exploiting the odd confluence of the two Jeffs (Malone and Ruland).
ANYHOO, here I am now, still dampened with the swampy muck of inevitable depravity, momentarily free to delve into aesthetic pursuits, but haunted by the sure knowledge of my impending self-soiling. I wanted to take this opportunity to check in with Sir Darvin and his syphilitic hoards. AND CHECK IN I HAVE NOW DONE. I can make no head nor tail nor hook nor crook of the Wiz-Ards this season. Perhaps confusion, ignorance, darkness—perhaps these are our most natural states.
Clearly Calvin Booth, he of the sad eyes and a jaw full of sorrow—clearly Calvin knows the agony of the known unknown. Young Andray, flee this coil, flee like a zephyr, like the bullet you did not flee before. Head for a land where feelings are not expressed through cakes, where dressing is not French nor otherwise, where Legler is not ever. Leave us to rot in the metaphorical soiled overcoats that lurk beneath our literal soiled overcoats.
Thanks, August! So good to have you back, even if the stench of decay is overwhelming the office and making us "THROW UP IN OUR MOUTHS" (new WizzNutzz slogan!!!). Take two Prozacs with a bottle of bleach and call us in the morning!!!
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
More Snubs!!! Here are Gilbert's Allstar Kicks!!! Positively Presidential!!! But as WaPo reports, Adidas sponsorship is trying to lowball Gilbert, which is something Jahidi tried to do all the time, offering one pack of cigs for a treadmill-trained pitbull when Gilbert was asking for two:
For his entire 9 minutes 51 seconds on the court, Arenas covered the words "Adidas" on his red, white and blue sneakers with pieces of tape that had the No. 0 written in red ink. "We're in a negotiation period right now and, just like everything else, I'm at the bottom end of negotiations," Arenas said after scoring one point in the game. "So, I decided, 'Hey, I'll leave the three stripes, but I'll cover up the Adidas.' . . . A silent protest."
There's been so much silent protesting in the Wizards World over the years:
>>>2002: Pissed off that Abe Pollin stil hasn't sold him the Wizards and the MCI Center -- the only things that make money -- Wash Capitals owner Ted Leonsis sits alone in the suite he rents from Abe and eats 37 baskets of Executive Nachos during a late season 1-1 tie vs. the Nashville Predators.
>>>1998: Angered by being busted for having a blunt in his ash tray, Chris Webber refuses to speak with media and writes "SLAVE" across his face and "FREE LI'L MACE" across his penis.
>>>2001: After being denied bail in Judge Jahidi's kangaroo court, Steve Blake shoves a dirty sock in his mouth and writes "More cigarettes, less pain" on a dry-erase board.
Open the comments and tell us about the Wizards Silent Protests that you have heard about over the years!!!
Monday, February 20, 2006
What in the name of God Shammgod is the NBA trying to do? HAND THE WIZARDS THE TITLE? MORE GILBERT SNUBS!!!!
In the allstar game Our Gil played a game-low 9 minutes, going 0-6 from the field and scoring one point. Insultation!!!! Why not just pull down his pants and make him play in a game-stained Jahidi thong? Why not shave his head, paint "FLAMING FAGGOT" on his dome, and write "KWAME BROWN" on the back of his jersey? Why not make him duct-tape his penis between his legs and call him "REBECCA LOBO"?
Minnesota better wear bullet-proof vests and titanium cups because Gilbert is gonna go Gil Sr. on their Timberasses. See, Gilbert not only has motivation to kill everyone in league now, he's also given himself the nickname of "Mr. President" meaning he has the total authority to wipe out entire countries if he so chooses. "I'm Mr. President," Arenas said to WaPo. "They tried to impeach me, but they couldn't. I'm here."
Then he got a blow job under the towel rack and blew up Iran!!!!
Gilbert finds any way he can to be motivated, from comparing himself to Bill Clinton to bringing up the fact that he was 31st overall draftchoice in 2001 to the fact that his pre-game chicken fingers are always served cold at the MCI Center. Abe POllin, you foxy bastard, don't spring for a microwave!!! Cold poultry is a dish best served cold, like revenge and Black Thxgiving Muleheads!!!
Marc Stein broke some wind about GIlbert at the allstar game, calling him the "Best interview" and "Best Kisser" out of all the guys gathered on Friday's media day. From Stein Line Dime about Our Gil: "He also revealed he brought jerseys of all last season's All-Stars and had slowly been getting them signed throughout the season, finishing the last one just this week." Gilbert's taking his elementary-school snub to logical conclusion: learning how to write and becoming a master forger!!!
Meanwhile, Charles Barkley, the Round Mound of Bubblebutts, said, “When you play for the Wizards, [Gilbert Arenas] is like Michael Jackson… he’s playin’ with a lot of Tito Jacksons.”
More motivation! Gilbert will now play the role of JOE JACKSON and insist on getting Andre "Randy" Blatche, Party Jon "Jermaine" Ramos, and Calvin "Marlon" Boothe more shots while delivering severe beatdowns right in their smart-talking mouths. VICTORY TOUR!!!
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Sunday, February 19, 2006
DANA DANA DANE!
great to have the womans touch back on wizznutzz, even if that womans touch must be kept away from open wounds at all costs.
Man this is the Best Black thanksgiving EVER!!!
Charles Barkley looks like a Black Brando in Burberry!
August Strindberg is in the field , compiling exhaustive reviews of Houston area strip clubs. He hasnt enjoyed the assignment much tho because he complains that "the whores insist on disturbing my dark quarantine" and that more than one cabaret had strict no-overcoat policies!!
Did you see Gilbert shooting lites out last nite??? I havent seen such a display since Tim Legler was in the the 3 point shoot out. But it was Leggz 1st all star appearance and the other players convinced him that when you shoot the "Money Ball" the shorts come off so it was a different kind of display. But more about Leggz later.
Michael Wilbon has been been perfomring all the duties expected as Honorary mayor of Black Thanksgiving. He's been seen all over town, shuckin and jivin, hugging and hi fiving.
Dana send in this video she captured on her cell phone from the Matilda Bay Wine Cooler / Qyntel Woods VIP Dogs Breakfast Afterparty. Its a bit blurry but not too blurry to clearly see Michael SALIERI Jordan riding up behind a bent-over Michael Wilbon doing some kind of Brokeback disco breakdown
To make sure his plate would be as black and clear as his pate, WIlbon obviously pre-wrote all his weekend columns.
His first column was a generic "whats eating gilbert arenas" profile that weve read a hundred times but of course anytime gilbert speaks, people listen and there was some tite quotes from the chocolate chook.
It shows us
the 3 Stages in the Tao Of Gilbert as they Mirror the universal Song-Cycle of the band KANSAS:
STAGE 1: Existential Humility In which gilbert acknowledges the contingency of the universe and the futility of ambition:
"I don't let the NBA life get to me. It's a breeze and we're just blowing through it. In another 10 years there will be another crop of players blowing through."
Its just like the Kansas song, 'Dust In The WInd':
I close my eyes, only for a moment, and the moment's gone All my dreams, pass before my eyes, a curiosity Dust in the wind, all they are is dust in the wind. STAGE 2: Social Exceptionalism In which Gilbert imagines himself as part of the larger heroism of humanity
"But at the end of this weekend, I've got 13 other guys who I'm in the foxhole with and we're still trying to find a way to make the playoffs and contend."
Its just like the Kansas song 'Black Fathom 4', a song that Steve Blake has tatooed on his lower back:
Quick money give me double trouble Friends are doing hard times in the hole
STAGE 3: THE POWER OF THE WILL In which Gilbert advances a Post-Kantian ethic that man only exists in so much as man strives.
"I just won't put myself on that list," he said, "because it gives me a reason to keep climbing. I don't believe in satisfaction. I have to think there are 10, 15 people ahead of me. It's like setting your watch 10 minutes ahead. You come to believe the time on your watch."
This is the most important step in the Gilbert cycle, and no one says it better than Kansas , in their masterpiece 'Play On':
Play on, play on, lifting our voices to reach the sky Play on, play on, sound a refrain to be heard on high Play on, play on, singing a song and my heart's on fire
Play the game tionight Play, play the game tonight Can you tell me if it's wrong or right It is worth the time, is it worth the price Do you see yourself in a white spotlight Then play the game tonight
PLAY ON GILBERT! Kansas and Arenas: Tru Wariors! Play On brothers!
Its much more uplifting than the single-song cycle that currently describes Wes Unselds home life:
"Miracles Out of Nowhere" by Kansas:
Hey there Mister Madman, wat'cha know that I don't know Tell me some crazy stories, let me know who runs this show Glassy-eyed and laughing, he turns and walks away Tell me what made you that way
*******
And then in WILBONS second column, Wilbon invokes the true spirit of Black Thanksgiving, counting his blessings and saying a prayer for those less fortunate, thjose like...
RYAN LEGLER!!! Thats right we live in as world where the white man is endangered! Whites are being discouraged from playing basketball and there threatens to be a whole land of invisible children, there hopes dashed, forced to be swallowed by the thankless careers that their parents stuggled with for a generation before them as Lawyers, Fund managers, movie stars, Politicians, doctors, astronauts, nobel prize winning physicists. WHAT A WASTE!
Wizznutzsz propose we start a special charity program called:
"RYANS SONG"(tm)
The program will raise awareness for the plight of middle-upper class white children in america.
It will demand the government invest more of americas money to strenghtneing the athletic departments of prestigous private schools.
Tim Legler and Kansas will sing a benefit concert, and tim will start crying when he sings the refreain to 'One Man, One Heart":
One man, one heart Standing in the flame Can you hear my voice tonight I'm calling out - I'm calling out your name Ryan. Ryan Legler...
We have to do it because the children are the future, the white future! Without hope Ryan Legler will be but a white shadow of his father. he will be forced to go to a good college, have sex with the daughters of prominent businiessmen, get a graduate degree, travel the globe, learn languages, develop real world skills, start a lucrative business, have conversations with other men that arent only about the Spurs interior defense. He will have no iother choice but to develop a strong imagination, a robust mind, a mind into which he can escape when his hobbling orange father limps into the room to tell him once again about the time in 1995 he scored 12 points in a 90-82 loss to the Detroit Pistons.
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Saturday, February 18, 2006
Black Thxgivin' !!! Black Black It don't stop!! And neither do these rashes!! Heyyyy evrrrry body it's DANA VON POSTGAME CALL-IN SHOW GIRL!!! Fresh out of rehab and a minimum state security prison for the continually itchy!!! Its been a weird time for me because i got busted using Rod Strikland's debit card at a Bowie gas station. I was trying to buy some Virginia Slims, some Lays and some lays. But who knew that prostitution was illegal in gas station? I mean, WHATS A LUBE JOB ANYWAY??? Hypeocritics!@!! Buyt now that I'm out and turned part lesbian -- four months of hard labor under a sexy woman named Big Reg is enuff to turn anybody into a girl toucher -- i'm ready to focus my life and post more INCXITES into Wizards!!!
I start with the AWESOME news that FIVE Wizards have been named to All-star team!!! Rip Hamilktohn, Gilbert Arenas, Rasheed Wallace and Benjainmen Wallace and Chauncy Billups!!!! Thses five player s have given the Wizrads the #1 TEam in All Of Basketball!!! Just about the only team that is better is the Talk 'n' Text Phone Pals of the Philipines Basketball Association, which recently imported our VERY OWN DARVIN HAM for a game in their championship series!!! Here's what the newspaper said of Darvn debut:
But back to our Wizards all stars, here's a picture that Abe Poillin took just before he smashed their faces into congratualations cake and then twirled his diaper over head in celebration!! But wait, where's Gilbert? Still fuming over snub, Gilbert is planning revenge on foes throuhgout league for rest of the season!! Gilbert gets revenge fanaastys from his father, who wiped out a whole crew of drug-dealing nuns in the second episode of Miami Vice. "Say hello to my little friend" yelled Gil Sr. even though the line was "Hands up, gents, nobody needs to get hurt," and the director LOVED the fact that Gil Sr. gunned down everyone -- nun hoodies flying everywhere!!! -- while quoting Scarface. Sure, now it's a rapper's cliche, but in 1984 that was straight up gangsta improv shit!!!
Meanwhile, Gilbert is fuming over another snub: No, not Jahidi's invitation to the Steve Blake All Sauna Finals that Hidi is holding in his Oxen Hill home, but rather that he WAS'NT INVITED TO 3 POINT CHALLENGE but then was ADDED TO 3 POINT CHALLEGE when Raja Bell left!!! Can't somebody give Gilbert an arenas an invite the FIRST time around so he doesn't have to feel like a blackheaded stepchild? Can I get a whatwhat?????
Then to add insult to injury, when Gilbert gets to AllStar game, a David Stern broke out disposable Kodak, snaps this candid, and turns it over to a Photoshop artist who turns Gilbert into a DOUGHY OLD WHITE MAN!!! Will the insulats and snubs ever cease???
MORE SOME PHOTOS!!!
Brendan Haywood & Jared "I Am Curious Oranj George" Jefferies show their allstar attention to team huddle!!!
Jah Jah Rasta Sheed I !!! Marcus Garvey decorates Sheed's chest. Sheed decorates WHITE MEDIA with BLACK POWER STARE!!!
Pharoah Sanders Hamilton poses in front of the Sun Ra where he came from. Is Rip trying to get off Wizards team by showing love for the Cavaliers new MILITANT BLACK look? (Thanks to Ris Paul Ric for pointing out that half the Cavs are growing Malcom X goattees and the other half are growing sixth fingers in case Cold Mountain breaks another!!!)
Here's OUR KID Gilbert looking fine, a MAN IN TAN covering the HEART OF AN ASSASSIN!!! Knock em dead Gilbert!!! CALL ME!!!
And finally, a photo of Party Jon Ramos hanging out in downtown DC!!! That's him in the middle, with his WHITE FRIENDS!!!
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Friday, February 17, 2006
How to make your own: Michael Wilbon's FESTIVE MULE HEAD BLACK THANKSGIVING CENTERPIECE
INGREDIENT LIST: . . . . . . . .
-1 Cup Dried Canberries -Various Lengths of Bright Ribbon -Dried Twigs (dried and pruned) -1 Yard Trailing Ivy (cut from the yard) -18 Cups Dried Leaves (seasonal) -1 Can of Florist Foam -Craft Scissors -I Ball of Twine -1 Mini-Glue Gun and Glue Stick -1 Styrofoam Ball (size of a fist) -2 or 3 Heads of Indian Corn -Assorted Small Gourds -Three-wick Cream-colored Candles -1 lb. Mixed Figs, Dates, Cherries, and/or Nuts -3 Clementines -Apron -Bolt Gun -5 Large Plastic Drop Cloths -Bone Saw -1 Adult Mule
INSTRUCTIONS:
. . . . . . . .
1. Spread plastic drop cloth on floor and the walls. Fix to floor with masking tape, this will prevent the tarp from slipping.
2. Lead mule into center of tarp, facing the corner of the room. Place 1 clementine on floor in front of mule.
3. As mule eats the clementine, fire 6-inch iron bolt into base of the skull. For best results I usually stand by the animals side during this step to stay clear of any reflex kicking and expelled feces. Fire additional bolts as necessary.
4. Once you are certain the mule is dead, use your craft scissors to cut a strip of the pelt from just above the mules shoulders. Place this strip of hide aside for later decorative use.
5. Locate the jugular vein. Scatter 10 cups of dried leaves around the mules neck. Using the scissors, cut into the jugular, using swift stabbing motion. The leaves should absorb most of the blood. Use the remaining 8 cups of leaves to wipe excess blood from your face and walls.
6. Using the bone saw, cut into the mules neck, at the point at which you cut away the pelt. This step takes a bit of elbow grease! Some people find it easiest to lean on the saw as they cut. When you hear the saw hitting bone (a grating sound - don't worry, its unmistakeable), tighten your grip to prevent slippage. Turn the mule over and continue sawing until the head falls free. Place mule head aside.
7. Continuing to use the saw, cut the mules body into manageable peices, 10 - 12 twenty pount chunks is a safe rule of thumb. Roll the pieces up inside the tarp. Bind the parcel securely with craft twine.
8. Dispose of the package. Most people bury the meat (making sure to place several large stones atop the grave to prevent wild animals digging it up.) If you plan to throw the dead mule pieces into the river, make sure to do it down stream.
We got up this morning to head off to houston for Black Thanksgiving weekend. We have an awesome eschange program arranged with the Bellaire Blvd Circuit City. They promise us they will have web tv available and were kind enough to lift there Whites Only policy for the days we are down there!
Gilbert Arenas and all his friends were about to leave when his agent told him he had to make an appearance at Abe Pollins party. It turns out Abe Pollin overheard something about a Black Thanksgiving and jumped up and said"
"Whats This about A Black Thanksgiving? WHy did no one tell me about this holiday? I love the black people. They have been very good to me. When I drive through there neighborhoods in my limo they are very supportive and let me take their children off the playgrounds into my limo and adopt them. I need to throw a party. Wheres the cake? Wheres the turkey? Wheres my pants?"
SO Abe threw a big party at MCI center and invited all the black people he found in the bulding and thanked them all personally, and was so excited and kept asking if Frederick Douglass had arrived yet. So Gil and his friends dropped by for some turkey because gil loves turkley and his friends really love turkley, because gilberts friends are dogs.
Is that Ike Austin in the background!!??
what is IKE doing there??
Well of course, obviously, he is making cheese, but because of the great technology of the Ike Austin CHeeseBoot, while he makes cheese he also walks around, glad handing the crowd, working the room, handing out his card, always looking for a good business opportunity bercause Ike Austin is the 'total package" celebrity endorser who uses edutainment to give back and is very clean in reputation and body.
If I was Ike Austin ( i know, something we all think) I would talk to Fine Living TV about a series where Ike Austin travels around europe pointing out the sites and meeting colorful locals, and having funny epsiodes where he struggles to get his giant body intom a small european rental car and when he asks for "presevatifs" for his toast in france and instead of Jam they bring him COndoms! Coindoms!!! So funny.
BUT THE REAL TWIST is that all the time he travels around, he is making a local style of cheese in his cheeseboot(!), and at the end of the show he hosts a big dinner party for eveyone he met that episode and they drink passionfruit wine beverage and share in the warm boot cheese while Ike tells them long parts from his favorite movie Carlitos Way.
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Thursday, February 16, 2006
FAN APPRECIATION DAY AT WIZZNUTZZ!!!!
ok loyal whorz, the wizards are going on break for a few days which will be good, maybe Donnell Taylor will come down of his Meth high and Ruffrider will teach the team how to play D like a killer D robot and Jared "curious george" Jeffries will try and continue his sudden offensive finesse and the man with the Yellow Hat will take him on a field trip to the city museum where he will see the new Antwan jamison 3-point exhibit.
But no break for us, instead as demanded by the fanzz wizznutzz.com will be kicking off ...
exhaustive coverage of BLACK THANKSGIVING
(thats the All Star Weekend for you new friends) live from Houston Texas Friday thru Monday so check back often for incites and scoopz!!!
Before we go we want to thanks all the fans
1. David Vanterpool. The former bullet David Vanterpool runs the wizznutzz Message Board. The board fell into chaos when it was attacked by spam robots and when a man who claimed to be the "real David Vanterpool" and his ex-girlfriend started writing threatening posts but DV went Guiliani on them and now the board is once again a safe desirous desination for your incites. I know its true most people are ashamed that they read the wizznutzz site but on the mesage board you can relax and talk hoops and share your christian Laettner dream journal and generally swap bacon tales so ...
2. Professor A. Lindeman Wizznutzz are proud to announce recent appointment of Prof Lindeman, former Graduate Advisor for Einsetin High School Artificial Intelligence Program. The Professor has taken over the GarBot 2000 Project!! He has been Teaching him new profanities, draining his grease trap, and rewiring his "Swarm Intelligence" circuitry and "Fuzzy Systems" softcode.
6. OK NOW FANZ YOU GIVE US SOMETHING OK these fanzz are superfanzz, but most of you fanz are like N-R-G VAMPIREZ. why no one never comments on wizznutzz.com when we have MILLIONS of readers. And Dont use "Im chinese" excuse. Its isnt hard to write, our way is to write the word "bacon" and then see what happens next. SO we demand more comments on the site from now on. From now on every week we will have a POP QUESTION that everybody should want to answer.
This weeks POP QUESTION:
A few days ago Josh Klein wrote us wondering why Gilbert Arenas doesnt have any commercial endorsements.
SO question is:
What commercial or endorsement opportunity would you like to see Gilbert Arenas in? (It can be one that exists now or in past or one you would love to see)
'Twan slashes David West with a dagger and shushes the crowd with his finger then West pulls the bloody dagger out of his stomach and stabs Twan right into the anus and then jumps on his bloody corpse and breaks his back and then pops about all thug like.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
OK THURSDAY WAS BIG DAY FOR WIZZNUTZZ!Q!! In order of importance:
1. BAXTER FOR BOGANS! Major NBA power shift! Charlotte area Tom McCanns store unveils new Baxter signature Hush Puppies: "Loaf Warior" MY FAVORITE BOGAN is Andrew Gaze. WHo says 50 is too old to be playing pro hoops? Cialis Australia unveils new campaign: GET THE BOOM BACK IN YOUR WALLABY!
2. Wizards Win again, In the Black! In the special Olympics "Everybody is a winner", but not really, the ones that come last get medals but if they werent spastic theyd know they were losers.
3. Gilbert ARenas snubbed for All Star Game! Abe Pollin SHALL BAKE NO CAKE! MR Pollin aka MRS HAVISHAM sits alone with last years musty confections, a cold heart and a warm diaper. "Musty Confections", isnt she captain of the Roanoke Dazzle Dance Squad? John "child by tiger" Ramos wanted to ask her for a date but in West Virginia its illegal for Puerto Ricans to speak.
You ask me How could Gilbert not mmake the Allstarzz??
5 words: SCOTT SKILES IS a STOUT BITCH
SKiles didnt vote for gilbert since gilbert iced the Bulls in game 5 and because gilbert gets more done by 7 am than Skiles gets done all day and not just because gilbert doesnt sleep, and because he never had the skillz Gilbert has, anmd because gilbert could beat skiles at Othello if Gilbert only had one black chip and Skiles had 50 white chips, and because skiles never charmed the crowd by throwing off his jersey because he was crippled by shame over his conscientious Gynecomastia and because Skiles is an albino pig mask who shops at Stock and Barrell's Stumpwear 4 Men and is a seething racist who calls a chigger a chegro.
SKILES is a bitter loser hes nothing but an angry CHOAD draped in a stain resistant khaki novetly condom. Ahhhh. i love hating! we would have loved SCottSkiles like we love all unremarkablem bullets veterans had he faded into sad silence like the others but he went to coach the enemy.
Superfan Josh K writes us:
What did Gilbert ever do to T-Stotts or Byron Scott and the rest of the leagues coaches to not deserve a nod to the All-Star Team other than score mad points against their squads. Seriously, fourth leading scorer in the NBA behind Kobe "The Black Hole Mamba" Bryant, Allan "Protect ya Neck Cuz" Jiverson and King ManChild and yet no All Star spot for Gilbert. I guess until Gil hooks up a promo deal with Easterns Motors, Henry's Insurance or becomes the mayor of Shoe City he won’t get the 'spect he deserves. My theory on why he strays from doing commercials is because he doesn't want people to confuse his velvet vocals with his voice twin Guru from Gangstarr... or he has a terrible agent.
--------------- UPDATE!!!!!!! David Stern selects Gilbert to ALLSTARZZZZ with Dress Code Least Dressed Exemption!!!! Thanks David Stern! Thanks Jermain ONeal for being pulled out of the womb to soon! COngrats GIL!!!!
LET THEM EAT CAKE!!!! Abe Pollin Has a reason to live again! Hes got TWO cakes to bake, one for Gil and one for Larry Hughes! (no one told mister drummond that larry left town and they hired randell jackson to impersonate him at cake ceremonies.) --------
(Deadspin is Brendan haywoods Middle Name. No not Dickmittens, the other middle name)
Well I SHOULD SAY SO!! Its a lifetime achievement award really. we started our website in 1980. we used an internet that was made out of an electronic SIMON game. If your internet simon beeped red it meant Bullets WON! If it beeped green it meant the lost! if it went yellow it meant that Kevin Grevey just masturbated! It was awesome and we were pioneers even thouigh the yellow bulb seemed to burn out alot faster than the others. We wore Mike Ruffin gameworns before anyone else. even before he was a basketball player! We watched with pride as Popeye Jones took his first steps, and then we recoiled in horror as he went through puberty! Thanks deadspin !!!!!!!!! 5.ANTISEPTIC BACON STRIP BANDAGES!!!!!
How are Wizznutzz not getting royalties from this????????:
We pionered therapuetic applications for foods. We invented the Ike Austin Cheezboot for godsake! The foot is a thermodynamic cheesemaking wonder! We patented Juan Dixon ANtiseptiic bacon dispenser (so antifreeze makes people retarted but its a tradeoff). And we trademarked the Juan Dixon Antispetic Rendered Fat Personal Hand Soaps but our big contract with Ramada Inn fell through because guests were crumbling the soaps on their salad.
AND finally we had meat bandaids ages ago. Our "Rasheeds Rash Rashers" ("ALL CURED!!(tm)") never got to market but at least they used real meat!
Meanwhile, with this new developemnt, Wizznutzz have written formal letter of appeal to PG County Psychological Crime Division demanding re-evaluation and release of Rod Strickland.
We say: This proves Rod STrickland is NOT A CUTTER!!! Cutters cut to feel alive and for attention. Rod just cuts for the BACON!!!!
We aslo sent a letter to the Roanoke Dazzle's team doctor DAZZ (hes also the mascot) because Bacon Bandages are retarding PJ Ramos' development since the doctors place the bandaids over PJs eyes during games to stop the bleeding. But as our readers know by now, DONT BE ALARMED, its not real blood, its simply cherry gatorade that Pete pours in his eyes before games since Puerto Rican pollution withered his tear ducts, but theres no telling that to the true believers who say Peter non Colpevole ("Virgin Pete") has STIGMATA!
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
SEE HOW ALL POWERFUL WIZZNUTZZ ARE!!!
How effin sweet is that!
Back before Larry Fingers took the money and ran and we started calling him Final Destination 3, Direct Deposit, Queen James, Her Majesty and Matinee, we coined the name back in 2K3 COLD MOUNTAIN because Larry checked his emotions, he checked himself before he wrecked himself.
He was a COLD MOUNTAIN and a COY MISTER and MR SPOCK
and CURT BROWNING.
Now "Cold Mountain" is part of everyday slang, like "ipod" and "hamslam" and "weaponized anthrax" and "cloaca valentine" . they even made a movie! Steve Blake was a paid consultant to make sure Appalachian life style captured with historical accuracy!
And now 2006 TRIPLE MINT UPPER DECK SALIERI (w/ DEAD MULE HOLOGRAM) appraised at 3 times the value of Phil Wood's life!!!
