FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST! OH THANK SHAMGODD I'M FREE AT LAST!!
The Liberation of Chucky Atkins proceeds without loss of life!!!
Brendan Haywood pronounces it a great day for freedom everywhere, invokes Ibsen and writes proclomation on sneaker:
"One should never put on one's best trousers to go out in to fight for freedom."
The Wizards organization buys CHucky ATkins and his gloriously round head freedom. Abe Pollin is a regular Oscar Schindler!!! Writes Talmud quote on his business-formal mocassins: "Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire. I like prunes!"
"Chucky was a true professional but it got to a point where he wasn't going to get a lot of time and we thought that it was in our best interest and his best interest for us to do what we did," Jordan said
"We appreciate the Wizards providing an opportunity for Chucky to find a role more important for him," said Atkins's agent, Andy Miller. "It really comes down to nothing more than that. There were no grievances or personal problems. It was a case of a good, professional decision for both the team and Chucky."
I havent seen the word "professional" so many timez since Tom Sizemore took down his Friendster page!
Why all this phony courtesy everyone?
Ill tell you why!!
SCOOP! SCOOP!:::
Because Baby Joel ATKINS is actually ABE POLLINS SON!
Abe is ultimate player-friendly owner. He sends his heir of with a player to learn the ropes before taking over the family business but hes too young now and the only family business Abe and Joel share now is number 2s in their diapers.
posted by wizznutzz OUR FAMOUS MOTHERING HUT T-SHIRTS PERMALINK |
SHE GOT LEGS!
Former Bullet Tim Legler goes on a bender!!
First NEW YORK POST ("occasionally printed in English") reports TLegz gets a vodka tonic chaser thrown in his face in a Chelsea night club at 4am!!
For those who know the Chelsea neighborhood, if your gonna get a "chaser in the face", you could do worse!!!
Then DEADSPIN turns up hot photos of Legz partying with narrow tarts at Coyote Ugly in San ANtonio. You know Coyote Ugly: girls wanna grow up be princesses, girls with low self-esteem wanna tend bar at C Uggz. They think in their boots and halter tops and fast cash and attitude and jaded zest that they are indpeendent modern women and that they are in charge but they arent in charge of anything 'cept pouring gin down the 3 chins of a suburban dad in a Kenny Chesney avaiator jacket . SO Legz hits the scene with Fred Carter and they are boozing and Fred Carter gets up and dances on the bar and the crowd is cheering and Fred gets into the spirit and takes off his bra and tacks onto the Bra Wall of Fame! Meanwhile Leggz works the ladies, he tells them about his "3-Balls" and how he can 'pleasure the charity stripe' no nobodies bizness and he even uses his tired old pickup line:
"Yeah I did commentary for NBA on TNT... I guess you could say Im a 'DYNOMITE ANALIST!"
The he found the girl with the lowest self-esteem of em all and pried her with prunos and red bull and took her back to his hotel and next thing she wakes up with familiar crushing shame and headache, and doesnt remember where she is but then she sits up and OH BOY does she remember now: the bed sheets, and her naked body are smeared in burnt orange faketan and pancake makeup.. she gets dressed and on her way out goes into other room to say awkward shy bye to Legs and hes there with Fred carter watching Jan 13, 1989 Clippers/Hawks game with magic markers and a telestrator, naked and eating cereal and he says "dont talk to me cant you see im working??" then he telestrates a childish alligator biting Freds crotch and they laugh and laugh, and she doesnt laugh but she doesnt cry either. She saves that until shes at the bus stop..
But none of this would have happened if Leggs had been with his former Wingman and bomb-squad co-founder, Brent Price. Where the H was brent price???
Brent Price was in his childhood room in Oklahoma, sitting in front of the mirror, parting his hair with a comb, talking to Jesus. "Lord, what am I here for? What would you have me do Lord? ANd why would you have me do it with such sore feet?"
posted by wizznutzz OUR FAMOUS MOTHERING HUT T-SHIRTS PERMALINK |
Thursday, January 19, 2006
God's working hard! He works six day weeks u know, and on the seventh, he chills and eats wings and plays QBert (since 1980, everybody in heaven gets a white jogging suit and a QBert cartridge.)
Haywood sketched "Free Chucky Atkins" on his sneakers in an apparent show of support for his teammate, who has been the subject of trade rumors for several weeks and missed his third straight game to be with his wife, who delivered the couple's third child on Tuesday in Orlando.
FRee Chucky Atkins HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Brendan Haywood thinks he's Harriet Tubman!!!
Its tru likeEtan said, the Foggy Bottom Metro is still an underground railroad. Yeah life so hard for Hobo Charlie: making cash money, breast feeding JOEL, not shaving, maintaining perfectly round head. SILENCE = DEATH CHUCKY! This season is like the Battaan Death March! Haywood's other shoe read:
"9/11. We will never forget, Chucky."
What does he want for Chucky? Hes got 40 acres in Potomac already, and we are fresh out of MULES in washington.
We totally support freedom of course. We rallied to support Mace Webber. We defended Kevin Duckworth. And Free Mumia Abu-Jamal. Hell yes on that. He was awesome in Cosby SHow and did no crimes except "Malcolm & Eddie" and now they want him executed??!! MADNESS.
But bigger newzz! Not the Four-peat!!! Thats big but this is bigger:
As you know wizznutzz and Juan Dixon worked for 2 years to get FDA approval for an ANTISPETIC BACON DISPENSER. We used the profits from the Ike Austin CHeeseboot to work with Manute Bol to build Cheese-Awareness Youth Academies in the SUdan but we had some cash left over and used it to finance development of our antiseptic bacon dispenser (aka "Operation Brown Angels") . The FDA said the sky blue coolant we used to keep the freshness in and the germs out caused deformities. We said "we tested it on Popeye Jones! He looked like that before, we swear!!" but they killed the project. But We are not sad to see another bacon dispenser enjoying success, though we think anyone can dispense of bacon, but not many men can claim a clean, fresh, sanitary rasher delivered to your hand in a sealed, flame-retardant anitbiotic pouch with courteousy and reliable customer service, so our bacon dreamzz are alive.
posted by wizznutzz OUR FAMOUS MOTHERING HUT T-SHIRTS PERMALINK |
Friday, January 13, 2006
Okay sorry everyone we went down for a while here because Ken shoved his bloody mouth sock into the colecovision cartridge slot.
Well this season has just been shuffling along, right, and everyuone cares only about the redskins and Coach Gibbs while he and mark brunell prepare for the seahawks and for The Rapture. (the signal is Joe Theissman bursting into flames, then they get their sweaters and go to the safe room) and even people care more about Nationals signing that human blood sausage Sam Sosa and the Os getting kicked off the teat while the rest of the litter feeds. Speaking of Os wizznutzz stumble across following top ten list in offices:
Top 10 ways in which steroids may have unintentionally entered Rafael Palmeiro's body
10. New grooming product promised "fuller, more vigorous" moustache.
9. Boogs BBQ's new 'Hickory Cream' and 'Homestyle Clear' brisket sauces.
8. No wonder that Horsemeat on eBay was so cheap!
7. When suggesting acupuncture to Palmeiro, Oriole's trainer Richie Bancells used the poorly worded phrase: "that thing with the needles."
6. Second helpings of Giambi family's annual Yule log.
5. As part of endorsement deal with Pfizer, product tested new Viagra Gold Label: "It's not just for Penises(TM)."
4. Black market Lik-m-Aid.
3. Surhoff swore it was just heroin.
2. Failed to read the fine print on that Testicle-Reducing cream.
1. That time everyone played "7 Minutes in Heaven" at Bruce Chen's kegger? Got stuck with Sosa.
Haha HIGH-LARIOUS!!! yeah right like 6 months ago!!
Meanwhile wiz wandering around aimlesly on court trying to guess Rumplestiltskins name. ( when coach jordan was huddling team in timeout i saw him pull sharpie from nose and write on the clipboard "Is it Rumpyrumpstein?"))
But here is good news in my tunnel: Eddie Jordan tries to change the routine a bit. Mix things up. He stopped sleeping in the bathtub, he now adds water to the Ramen Noodles, and he benched Dick Mittens aka brendan Haywood.
And this means more minutes for Andray Blatche and Donell Taylor! The best garbage time since Unseld and Kupcheck roamed the alleys on recycling night in '81!!! But no one round here remembers the Bullets anymore. Actually one guy remebers the bullets all too well: Andray Blatche! AB drained his first career Three-Pee! Hes everyones favorite manchild. They grow up so fast dont they? (Except for Peter Pan, Jesus, Gary Sinise, and Kwame Brown.) SO enjoy your supple memorys on Andray whiule you can.
And how tite is Donell Taylor?!. Hes a pitbull. Like a black Robert Pack! But we learned something so awesome about Donell Taylor last night. He has a brother!
As he sits down to visit with Donell and Ronell Taylor, an interviewer jots down a reminder: “Donell in gray shirt, Ronell in white shirt.” Without that information, it is almost impossible to tell the twin brothers apart when they are out of their UAB basketball uniforms.
Jarvis and Jonah are so identical too. Like weve said , their Mom says only way she can tell whose who is that "Jarvis bought me the house, Jonah's the better kisser."
Donell and Ronell have best names for brothers!! Not as good as Tex Chapman or Dilbert Arenas or Todd Shamgodd mind you.
And speaking of names, Chucky Atkins has been a sneaky devil? He has been 'chucking' his sperm into his wifes feelopian toobs!!!
CHucky has missed a few games cause his wife had a son. It was a huge monent not just for the ATkins family but for all of black americans.
Its the first African American ever called "JOEL"!!!
Its like Martin Luther Kings dream came true! Not the one about the table and equalness etc... what you think he only had one dream???
Wizznutzz send CHucky a $15 gift certificate to Brevin Knights furniture store for babys and brevins: Bellini Furniture! Our intern Ken beatrice has been product testing a new Norfolk Pine Mothering Hut for Bellini. He is testing for splinters and stain resistance.
Meanhile Coach Jordan has been motivating players by putting up a HUSTLE BOARD in the lockeroom. Its right next to the Rod STrickland memorial "Torpor Board"!!
We havnet seen a Hustle Board used in the locker room since Jahidi White used his Hustle Board to motivate rookies during his weekly Catcher in the Rye shower game.!!
posted by wizznutzz OUR FAMOUS MOTHERING HUT T-SHIRTS PERMALINK |
Sunday, January 08, 2006
So a story broke a few weeks ago that has been buried deeper than Brendan Haywood on the pine train and and it seems like the wizznutzz have buried it too, but not so. Time has a way of warping when one tries to confront the contingency of the universe by masturbating but time catches up to us and its time 4 incites not flesh.
Jesus suffered for our sins sure, but really he only suffered for a couple days right??? Plus he came back to love and adoration and then came back again on a grilled cheese sadnwichj and no one even dared take a bite.
Meanwhile Kwame suffered for years after Pontius Pollin allowed the mob to choose Barabbas the murderer aka Salieiri the Envious over the new messiah. But Kwame was taken from the cross and sent to California, and his ressurection was announced to great joy in Los Angeles:
"'Your king is coming to you! He is humble and rides on a donkey" ( the donkey was sent to the developmental league. Hi PJ Ramos!).
Kwame was ressurected and started a new life, like Jesus but his contract was guaranteed. He buys a condo with good light in a west hollywood complex with a pool and potted plants and he puts up his Pulp Fiction poster and discovers Cobb Salads and juice bars and goes to iHop to find peace, the ironic cool iHop where minnie driver would sometimes go where she would order dozens of waffles in a big stack to try and hide her enormous head in shame, a head so big it must be weighed using veternary water displacement equipment.
And Kwame saw the possibility of a future for the first time before him, and enrolled in Robert McKee's Story Seminar to try and polish some scripts he had worked on. He had 7 scripts, but all of them were about two male salad growers in wyoming who fall in love but one is kidnapped by an old vampire and in each one a different character from Tekken 3 comes in at the end and kills the vampire. All is going great
AND Now Phil Jackson has stabbed him right in the Fifth Chakra!
It shouldnt have been this way. Wasnt Phil supposed to have practically written the great motivation sports book :
Zen and the Art of Manchild Maintenance??
So much promise after living under the Tao of Salieri. There are two I's in Salieri just like in Narcissist and in 'Tao of Salieri' are the words I EAT OATS.
But the law of Buddha isnt the law of MULEMEN
Cuz Buddha dropped knowledge, he dropped:
• knowledge of the annihilation of suffering • knowledge of the way that leads to the annihilation of suffering • knowledge of the things connected with despair,
and most of all, (as anyone who coached Kwame must embrace), the Buddha had knowledge of the 'non-production of things '
Not only did Buddha not hate the game, he didnt hate the playa but Coach Jackson does.
SCrew you Phil Jackson, kwame may forgive you but i wont. Your no buddha. You have achy knees and a wan dharma and your linen neru jumpman sweats dont fool me. And you are sleeping with Jerry Buss's daughter and she is 1/2 the DNA of her father so the big questuion for you Phil is: which half of Jerry Buss are you having sex with?
posted by wizznutzz OUR FAMOUS MOTHERING HUT T-SHIRTS PERMALINK |
Monday, January 02, 2006
OK sorry! Yeah weve been missing in action for some time now but hey its not easy positioning a front loaded brand in expanding markets in some 3rd world countries where you cant even say the word HAM let alone eat it or slam it. And then we get the call from border agents and we have to go down to San Lupus to sort it out because it seems the DuckWagon (the Charles Duckworth Charity Van) got involved in smuggling human cargo. No not what you think bringing immigrants into america but the total opposite:
that writer "Hitchens" pictured here with Fred Barry and Duckwagon, took the duckwagon a few weeks ago (he has special key as celebrity ambassdor) and Hitchens turns out went a little crazy after 9/11, like Ron Silver and Osama bin Laden, and Susan O'Malley (she banned poetry!) and Hitchens now hates the mexican and was trying to force a van of em back over the border to mexico, even though they were US citizens and some not even hispanic, just with moustaches and forgiving eyes!
So much has happened in the last half-dozen games. I think The Brown Hornet aka Antonia Daniels scored a basket. Jarvis' case of "Bobby's Knee" has flared up again. Coach Jordan got Mad Libs for christmas!!! Oh yeah and HOBO CHARLIE demanded a trade!!! I think Dallas offered a dead goat and a mint condition copy of Wolverine # 3 . Jacksonville called too and was veeeery interested but wait, their is no team in jacksonville!!!!
But there is one serious issue we need to talk about right of the bat:
TK always talks about how handsome Riles is and admires his manliness and virility. Its like Brokeback Mountain but with pleats and finger rings. I understand because Tony was losing his hair years ago back when he was able to mate so his instincts say, big big thick natural hair on a ted danson of a man means him to be handsome and young no matter what. And I understand that tony grew up in a time when macho men threw medicine balls at each other, and huffed out their chests and wore little man shorts like spartacus and some of these medicine ball men had big dog faces , like hounds, and I also get it that Jeff Van Gundy Van Sapien is no strip of spring bacon himself. You come into a sauna with Van Sapien in his speedo and you cant tell which end is up with your eyes or hands but only with your nose.
But none of those things are an excuse to find Pat Raley so bracingly MACHOSENUOUS
Pat Riley is a shark. He has a bulbous, slab of beef meat face, a penisface like Jo Camel, if Joe Camel had bitterness and heavy cologne in his hump, a london broil face thats unkind and brutish. Rilez eyes are red, his kidneys are bad, cause he has bad charmlesss blood in his veins. When he squeezes his tanning salon turkey neck rolls into a starched suit he looks like a pig in an Armani blanket. He's got those silky vegas pleat pants and that Brock Savage vaingloriousness and you just know he keeps company of ladies with low self esteem like dancers and bulemics and Linda Kohn and those girls who work at American Apparral .
So TK before you can say "I wish I knew how to quit you Riles" here is alist of more guys that guys think are really handsome who arent really so handsome to the ladies:
Chuck Norris Sly Stallone Dan Marino Ted Danson Jon Elway Tom selleck Burt Reynlods Maury chaykin Russel crowe Richard greico Kevin Costner Don johnson
posted by wizznutzz OUR FAMOUS MOTHERING HUT T-SHIRTS PERMALINK |
