Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Wizards playing crazyball: they beat Golitath, then lose to David, they beat Andray The Giant, they lose to Bernie the Pensive!!!
Which leads us to ... Southeastern Division Previews Part II!!!!!
CHARLOTTE BOBCATS
aka "The Bullets of the SouthEast"
The Bobcats have just the barest of ingredients of an NBA team: some kids, an old man, and a bus. Its like Gary Glitter's retirement!!
Charlotte is still an expansion team and we predict they will contnue to expand, like the corpse of a looter in the Biloxi sunshine. Being an expansion team means young talent and tired mules. Its means "work in progress", like a skyscraper thats only built 2 stories so far, but in this case is also a skyscraper built out of soft muck and yesterdays fruits. But these guys may steal a few games because they are playing for pride and free shoes. They have nothing to lose. Except games, and performance incentives, and pride.
Lets take a look at the roster!
In the draft the BCats selected North Carolina point guard Raymond Felton and eight picks later, took another former Tar Heel Sean May. Is this the same scouting-by-metrobus that wes unseld pioneered? Its so uncreative. Its like drafting Geobbels and Goering in your Nazi keeper league!
Raymond Felton is a safe pick to be sure. He will bring in hometown fans and be the subject of "everyone loves raymond" puns. As for Sean May. Sean May step right in and contribute. Sean May also buy me a shandy but it doesnt mean Sean May call my bean chute 'MArgaret'.
Kareem Rush has an emerging game. He also has an emerging habit for going to strip clubs. Thats cool all dudes go to strip clubs right? It's all part of "Michael Wilbon's America". But not all dudes tip the dancers with sliced meats. Tucking cured hash singles into the talent's panties is a big no-no!. What part of "Gentlemen, no meats on the ladies" dont u understand?!
Jumaine Jones. Jumaine Jones is very effective shooting from the corner. Jumaine Jones is a rutarded humosexual!!!!!
Rookie Alan Anderson has the physical tools but must want to do it night in, night out. He is something of a "tweener" who often gives up several inches. He reminds me of Steve Blake that way, but they have nothing in common when it comes to basketball.
Keith Bogans can run and shoot but can't pass. Matt Carroll can pass but not shoot. Melvin Ely can get undressed but cannot look at his own body in the mirror.
Gerald Wallace: Gerry on the court reminds me of the Gus Van Sant movie of the same name: a ponderous exercise in misguided minimalism hilighted by Casey Affleck slowly dying.
And what kind of a name is Gerald?! Gerald, Melvin, Raymond, Brevin, Bernard? Those are names for PEts not men!
Their biggest offseason gain was backup center Jake Voskuhl. I am told Jake Voskuhl is a banger. I was told it by an old choreographer I met in Coney Island. He was doing some kind of stretching on the cold sand. He was wearing rust colored tights. Or maybe they were just dirty. He also told me that "Merce Cunningham's dance phrases are just happy accidents" and that he felt "dry".
Voskuhl could be a deep sleeper. But Since Jahidi White was waived the players are having better sleeps in general.
The Bobcats have one potential star: Chukwuemeka Noubuisi Okafor, which is African for "God possesses excellent hands for a big man". This year bobcats will find out if they have invested in an Emekaman or an Emeekamouse. Will Okafor emerge as a franchise player? Or retreat like a thrushy penis into the foreskin?
And lastly, wizznutzz favourite player: Brevin Knight! Brevins had as good a life as a Hobbit could want. Hes smoked some good pipe weed. He destroyed the ring, when he won a championship ring off of Smaug in a poker game and accidentally dropped it into the swirling hot waters of his toilet bowl in Mount Pleasant. SO now he has gone to the Grey Havens aka the Bobcats to retire and to concentrate on his passion: running a franchise of furniture for children and tired hobbits.
Brevin has taken Rookie Bernard Robinson under his wing. Bernard was awarwded a jacket made from elven Mithril chain mail for being the franchises +1 PowerSeller.
Finally, the Bobcats will only go as far as their coach can take them.
Former Washington coach Bernie Butterstaff explains his coaching philosophy:
'We were searching,'' Bickerstaff said. ''They say a drowning man will grab a razor blade.
Who says that?!?!? Men who drowning in bathtubs?? Kurt Vonnegut?
Actually as a coach Butterstaff is like Kurt Vonnegut: his best work is behind him, and his surreal, tragicomic sci-fi fatalism makes him a really awkward dinner guest.
PROJECTION:
The Bobcats are a team looking to answer the question: "Are you my mother?" This bacon best cellared til 2009. 12-82
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Thursday, November 24, 2005
The Washington Post's Michael "Tha Turducken" Wilbon and the WizzNutzz wish you all a VERY BLACK THANKSGIVING! (And we're not talking NBA All-Star Weekend!!!!)
posted by wizznutzz OUR FAMOUS MOTHERING HUT T-SHIRTS PERMALINK |
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Intern August Strindberg is back, and naturally he's feeling despondent about many things these days: The Wizards' losing streak, Kwame Brown's hamstring injury, the fetid smell of pig vomit that surrounds his very being.
Norra Begravningsplatsen, the Northern burial place where I left my raped soul in the bowels of Stockholm aeons ago, shares a sign in common with that above the Wizards of Washington's lockerroom door:
Huc venite pucri ut viri sitis (Come hither boys and become men)
Here in Stockholm the sign is but a cruel joke at the expense of the young men laid here by consumption, absinthe, and the black plague. At the MCI Center the sign is but a remnant of the days when Jahidi White ran the lockerroom on a barter system of cigarettes and soiled towels. Rife was the sickness then, when the man they call Salieri Jordan --- a.k.a. the Black Plague --- ran things with a steely hand and a teaching dildo. "Alas, like Gary Glitter," sayeth Salieri, "I was merely teaching these young children, not molesting them with cries of 'flaming faggot' and 'akimbo manchild.' Kwame, all is forgiven, you gaywad."
Salieri, you are filth in a uniform, bile personified, a shite hole from which no soul named Kwame shall ever escape. Have you seen his stat line this year for the Lakers? 5.9 points and 6.2 rebounds in 28 minutes per game. Such waste, such grime! And now God's Son is out for two weeks with a hamstring injury. Too many minutes were sitting on the bench contemplating the sound of Salieri's homophobic squeals, which still resonate in the Manchild's precious head. When those earth-shattering screams esacape the Manchild's ears, they take over all of L.A., filling the City of Angels with the belittling shrieks of the Chicago Devil himself. As Kobe Bryant lofts shot after putrid shot, Phil Jackson just sits there like a pile of stinking mulch, a sour look enveloping his hideous lumpen face as if to say, "Oh, something odiferous just wafted by. Let me meditate on said stench in order to trace its origin. Kwame? Kobe? No.... SALIERI."
Alas, I digress, but what else is there to fill these endless days? Digressions are like a salve for man's ripped apart heart, plugging the wound with tinctures of time. There is nothing else but darkness.
The Wizards are on a three-game losing streak, and perhaps they will overcome this bout of depression by torturing the Denver Nuggets tonight with high-decible readings of Etan Thomas' recent Sunday Source article or Gabriel Garcia Marquez's rancid new biography about my life: Memories of My Melancholy Whores.
Blast you, Garcia Marquez -- liar, fraud, stinkfish! I condemn you to the deepest recesses of hell, where we will meet face to disgusting face, and where I shall have my savage revenge upon you and your tiny chorizo.
Friday, November 18, 2005
It is the ONE year anniversary of a dark day that gave the sport of NBA a black eye.... but was a smashingly successful day for the wizznutzz!!!
Winess the madness, thje horror, rasheed's bald patch!
One year ago today Ron Artest went Margot Kidder and ran into the stands like a Tru Warier and started killing innocent BASQUES forcing repercussions like David Stern addressing NBA's "Negro problem"
Witness the stunning details in SIoux 23s master work: The blu cup, the greiving nba logo, the severed forearm of Jim Grey!!!
As we said then Jim Grey at Auburn hillz that nite was like Dick Schapp at the Munich Olympics, except with stadium concessions instead of FIRE AND DEATH!!!
The fallout was big: suspensions, soul searching, an Allure tour, tall men before judges, alderman Unseld pleading for calm, Wes unseld searching pants for mice.
The biggest villain of all still hasnt answeerd for his sins of nearly tearing the country apart.
That man is BEN WALLACES BROTHER, "David Foster Wallace", who went agro and escalated the madness.
David Foster Wallace is Bens bro but also part of Bens entourage, taking care of small details, like setting up interviews and providing security, and committing himnself to prosecuting an obsessive, almost quixotic war against irony and its tyranny over modern culture.
As seen in the fight video he favors a black suit but no tie*, revealing a form-conscious playfullness.
But because of Gay republican pundit and superfan ANdrew Sullivan we got 70 THOUSAND hits for AUbernbica so the violence was all worth it in the end.
We embrace all gay republicans!!! We have many common values with you: we too believe that aggressive business deregulation and the pliant symmetry of a man's buttocks are both proof of gods planzz!!!
*I can't help but recall the weekends at tennis camp. For all the money in the world, ultimately, there is a man who judges the line, watches for perturbed chalk as he ignores his empty heart. Right? Don't even pity this man, and you spit at his feet. That would be a msitake. And having a ginger cocktail at the club on summer nights, its the man in a tuxedo that is going to park your car as soon as hedge your funds, so what really is a dress code beyond a didacticicism of fashionista's? A fashion of Comfort for certain must be the only above-board, virtuous fashion---was not Bjorn Borg always the most comfortable court formalist? But fashion = virtue? It is by design feint, trickery; the embrace of pseudo 'A' and pseudo 'B', a pseudo canon with a "big C". If even bullshit has its own integrity, as Gore Vidal toasts in his old gay way, then are not my 4-sport gunmetal Nike crosstrainers bold-faced liars like my art upon the page? Geez.
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Wednesday, November 16, 2005
The New York Times SCOOPS the Washington Post and new beat writer Ivan "Tha" Carter "Tha Terrible" with HUGE STORY on Gilbert Arenas as the Kingpin Ernie McCracken of the NBA!!!
To say that Arenas, the Washington Wizards' star guard, has taken to the sport is an understatement equivalent to saying that Earl Anthony could knock down a few pins. "I don't know who he is," Arenas said of Anthony, the Hall of Fame bowler. "I don't have any bowling heroes."
GILBERT!! Here's Earl!! LET HIM BE YOUR HERO!!! Did you ever know that you're MY hero? You are the wind beneath my pants. Gilbert, EARL has a trading card just like you!! Except now he's dead!!! And you probably aren't!!! But Phil Chenier is dead, but at least his Chenier's Ghost is still calling games. THANK GOD NESS!!!!
During high school in Los Angeles, [Gilbert ] was in bowling leagues. When his friends suggested an outing last summer, he was eager. "We started gambling, playing for push-ups," he said. "I lost and I had to do 300 push-ups right there. So the next morning I went bowling. Then we all went bowling - every day for three months straight of the summer."
Caron Butler also had to do gambling push-ups once: In the juvenile maximum-security detention center where he spent part of his youth and perfected his jump shot and fishy scowl, the kids would have fun gambling for lunch rations -- day-old porridge and rock salt. Winner got to eat for the day; loser had to perform push-ups over the backside of a naked man who called himself "Jahidi."
THIS AWESOME WIZ TEAM IS COMING TOGETHER FOR A REASON, PEOPLE!!!
Arenas's high game after all that work? A 277, after a spare, finishing with all strikes. He has three custom bowling balls (two 16-pounders and a transparent 14-pounder with a boxing glove inside) and his own shoes.
The pins are calling.
AWESOME KICKER LINE!!! New catch phrases provided by article: "The pins are calling!" and "I don't have any bowling heroes!" and "Your ginormous ball is positively examaciting!"
But one question, why did the NY of Times publish photo of Gilbert with clear dice ball when the story says he has "a transparent 14-pounder with a boxing glove inside"? Journalistic laziness??? Playing with "the facts"???? Nope, nope, nope, it's JUST STRAIGHT UP RACIAL INTOLERANCE that's what!!!!! Just like when USA Today made Condi Rice look "demonized" as opposed to "just toothy." Can't a black man play with something other than dice, Mr. NY TIMES????? THAT's JUST DICEY MADNESS!!!! Other Wizards past & present have big transparent balls with detritus shoved in them too. They also have bowling balls. Abe Pollin hands them out at training camp along with a fresh rack of bacon and hand-rolled cigs. In fact, bowling for edutainment is a Wizards tradition!!!
That's how Kevin Duckworth describes his morning constitutional!!!
Below is more bowling pictures. THE SAVIOR tries to shake hands with Treebeard himself, Charles Oakley, but as you can tell things didn't go as planned -- they never do for the Kings of Kings!!! Oakley's palms were still moist with oils from the Serbian whores who serviced him at a nearby massage parlor, and Kwame's brother-style handshake slid into a white-man's hiccup -- HIGHLY EMBARRASSING to a country Manchild still trying to get used to the way big-city brothas rock the complicated greeting. In Georgia, Kwame and his friends would just kiss on the lips!!!
ANd below you can see the Wizards own EARL ANTHONY ERNIE McCRAKEN!! [Intern Ken shouts from inside sauna, thru ball gag wedged in pie hole: " You can also see his sweet ass!!!! OR YOU CAN IMAGINE IT LIKE I DO!!! Someone please tighten the leather!!!"] Buy your very own Washington Wizards bowling towel -- or use it to clean up your self-pleasure like Ken does!!! Socks are so 2003!!!
Here's a "partial" listing of Wizards, their hefty bowling balls, and what's inside their ballsacks:
Jahidi White Has a taupe colored 28-pound ball with a lifesize replica of Steve Blake's head AND groin.
Steve Blake Has a fragile 6-pound clear ball with a pack of Camel Lights that he can break open during emergencies to give to angry warden (aka Jahidi).
Juan Dixon Has a 8-pound perfectly clean and clear ball filled with Isagel No Rinse Antiseptic Hand Sanitizing Gel. Never lets ball touch lanes. Heaves overhand fastball at pins then chases after it immediately to wipe down and eradicate germs.
Abe Pollin Has a 1-pound duck-pin-sized ball that's actually a rumpled up adult diaper.
MORE TO COME SOON!!! "Suggest" some of your own in comments below!! Maybe we'll get Sioux23 to create some desktop renditions!!!
I know we promissed more division previews and they are coming but whats the rush since Wiz gonna run the table right.
And big game tonight against Larry Paycheck and the Cavs, gonna be emotional and titely fought, a real Cleveland steamer!!!
In the meantime we locked our interns in the shop with craft paste and coolabah cask wine an told em not to come up till they had some fresh dopplegangers for us. They did good:
Thanks to superfanzzz Mike 'La' SOuza and ANdrea for their suggesting wayzz.!!!
MIKE wrote us about his recent wiz spottings:
"I was out smoking a cigarette one day and Rod Strickland strolled through the plaza in front of my building. But my best ever though was walking from the parking garage to my job one day, and I passed Gar Heard in the crosswalk, who was holding a banana. Priceless."
What day of the week was that I wonder??, because Gar heard actually has TWO bananas, he rotates them on diffewrent days.
The first banana was his "golden parachute" abe pollin gave him when he was fired. The second banana Gar got in exchange for donating his brain to the Garbot 2000 Artificial Intelligence Program.
He's half Gar Heard, half Colecovision and half "meat batteries". How about it science! Hes been learning new things this summer, learning about loneliness and dark corners and Hiram Fuller.
"LONG LIVE THE FLESH!!!!" "LONG LIVE THE FLESH!!!!" "LONG LIVE THE FLESH!!!!"
Maybe it wasnt even a banana at all you saw Mike, but Gar Heard's banana cellphone????
Superfanzz: get on the comments and email and tell us your favorite encounter, real or dreemed, that involved Gar Heard and a piece of fruit!!!
As for ANDREA, shes a wizznutzz fan ----- who IS A GIRL!! I know! and sheez cute no doubt.
We have one GIRL intern here DANA (Von) who back in 1996 when she was a famous radio call-in guest on the WTEM postgame show in 1996 was super hot with junk in the trunk and then we gave her a big signing bonus (all up front cuz it was a persihable bonus) and now her terry towel shorts are stained and poochy and her trunk has rust stains and the only junk she haz in it is bacterial trichomoniasis.
Her trunk is like that stolen car in REPO MAN, you think youll be knockin boots but when trunk opens XZZZZAAAAPPP you just a pair of smokin boots...
Sunday, November 13, 2005
A Very After School Special Note to All Our New Readers and To Those WHo Can't Read and If You Can't REad Have Someone Read This To You on The Subway in a Booming Voice That Will Disturb White COmmuters Even Though You're Just TRying To Share Incites With Whole World As Directed By READ OUT LOUD Co-sponsers Washington Wizards and D.C. Metro Authority on Signs Posted Throughout Subway System To Read This Post Out Loud for THose Who Can't Do For THemselves. THANK YOU!!! A lot of new readers have asked us, "What's this whole Salieri business?" and "Where can I get fresh bacon and cheap cigarettes?" We'll answer the second question one day, but for now we'll just address the Sally question.
If you've read every word we've written over the last 3 or 4 years, you'd know why we call Michael Jordan by the name of "Salieri." But because you have job, unlike us, and haven't read all of our INCITES, we shall explain. (READ THIS OUT LOUD TO THOSE WHO CAN'T!!)
Antonio Salieri was Mozart's teacher, but he was jealous of his pupil's youth and talents, so he did his best to undermine his star student. He did his best to keep Mozart's works from being performed, but he secretly worshipped him. When Salieri became senile in 1823, he even accused himself of poisoning Mozart.
We cannot wait until Our Own Salieri becomes senile and admits to poisoning Kwame The Manchild The Savior Brown, likely over a dinner with fellow elderly ear-ringist Ed Bradley. "Ed, most definitely emperors have no clothes, and I most definitely am not wearing any pants. Pass the calimari. And yes, I permanently poisoned Kwame with arsenic accusations of faggotry. By the way, Ed, I love your mandangle."
Salieri Jordan couldn't handle the Manchild's moist youth, immense beauty, his akimbo body, his too-soft-for-NBA hands (though perfect for curing leprocy), so he tore down his sensitive pupil with constant embarassments, and homophobia, and more homophobia, and some more homo bashing. Such infernal smashing of The One's ego, his sacred manhood, his fleshy, perfect testicles, was bound to have an adverse affect on a Franchise Savior who did not know French dressing did not come in French restaurants.
Back then Kwame thought to himself, "Yes, it is true, I am a man-lover -- because I am The Savior. I have merely saved men, my people, from the penalty of sin by my blood atonement. I am saving my people, especially Jahidi White, from the reigning power of sin by the grace and power of my Spirit. I shall save my peeps from the being of sin with my glorious advent: 6 points, 4 rebounds, 8 turnovers, 20 minutes. What more does one wanteth? I, Kwame, save people from their sins -- period. Jerry Stackhouse and G-Wiz know it. Earth knows it. Hell hates it. Heaven chants it. Time has seen it. Eternity shall declare it. But, Salieri, I loveth not a man with physicality, or been taken from behind by ananthropomorphic mascot as you seem to have done. As proof of my hetero virility I've already fathered two children out of wedlock with two different women, and I even named one of my offspring Kwameeri. Is that gayeth, Mr. Jordan, sir? I doubteth."
See, Young Kwame just wanted to put his balls in a hole, and stuff that hole night after night. Who doesn't? But Salieri Jordan put Saran Wrap over the hole of life, so when Kwame went to stuff the hole, his balls just bounced back into his face -- RUTHLESS!!!
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Saturday, November 12, 2005
On A Serious Note...
Last night was a special win for the wizards, smiles all around. It was special in a different way for one player. With 7 minutes to go in the 4th quarter, Andray Blatche made his NBA debut. A young mans first career game is always special, but not every rookie gets shot in the chest in training camp. Has his lung pierced by a hot bullet, is driven to the hospital inches from death, wondering if his life will end before its even started.
Mike Wise writes about Andray's story today in a sobering way. Its the first time I can think of that a journalist has covered this man's challenges in a responsible manner. After the shooting, the media reacted in one three ways: with insensitive quips, by shying away from it completely, or, in most cases, they castigated the man, chided him, shook their heads in disapproval.
In judging young Andray, they seemed to almost suggest he deserved to be shot in the chest. That the car-jacking was somehow his own doing. And in these judgments many prejudices came to light. Certainly racism: this young BLACK kid is a typical young BLACK knucklehead, hanging around with the wrong BLACK crowd when he should be in bed in a gated Potomac mansion watching DVDs or studying tape. Can you imagine how the press would react if Luke Ridenour, or Eli Manning or Steve Blake was shot in the chest? It would be front page news. There would be a 60 Minutes interview, a 'very special" Bob Costas.
There is certainly an additional urban prejudice, and a predjudice against new money. A prejudice against youth, and staying up late. All of these judgments expose a prevailing conservative constitution among the mainstream sports press. Composed mostly of former athletes and middle-aged, middle-upper class white suburban stat geeks, this brand of conservatism honors the concept of "The Team" above all else, and takes great relish in it's self-appointed role in safeguarding the sports world from the young, self-defined athletes who threaten the status quo.
But the team model is an incomplete model. Goody Putnam, when she accused young girls of witchcraft in The Crucible, was a being 'a team player.'
And you know who had a really good team? The Nazis.
So keep that in mind next time you sit in judgement of Andray Blatche, or even worse, make a cheap joke about the night a stranger walked up to his window and pumped a bullet into his body and almost left his mother to bury her dead son.
Haaaaaaving said all that....
Andray went 2 for 4 last night.
Which means he doubled his previous season-high for "shots taken"!!!!!
BOO-YAH!!!
Actually, MWIze points out Blatche wasnt technically shot twice, but once, with the bullets passing thru huis arm, and his torso before coming to rest in the car seat.
Wow , whose heard of one bullet going in and out twice, before coming to a complete stop???
If your Michael WIlbon you may wag your cornfed bourguois finger and warn that these games were not MUST WIN games, but you cant deny they were MUST PLAY games though. Not all wins are the same maybe true,
but a wins a win cuz Ws are like our nations races: separate but equal!!
You GOT to harvest your nuts, and you better get these fat shiny conkers that fall close to the tree now and bury em deep in the forgiving pungent soils of late autumn cause things have a way of getting suddenly cold and firm, just ask Micahel Jordans kids.
The team is playing tite D and winning ugly for sure, but one thing has stuck out to me so far in the young season.
Has anyone seen Chucky Atkins' head? Its mesmerizing right?!!! Its like a perfectly symemtrical orb. If he didnt have a face you could just flip the head around and it would look just trhe same. Damn that face!!!
The hilight of the season so far, no question, is when Wiz played Knicks, and NewYork television analist WALT "CLYDE" FRAZIER called Micahel Ruffin : "UBIQUITOUS"!!!!
I love clyde frazier, hes like what Phil Chenier would be like today were he still alive. He has that cute shy happy voice, that giggly puzzled voice you get when the strong brain medicines begin to take hold.
So its to early in the season to make much incites, to "separate the bacon from the ballgown" as they say. So I made a look around the southeast division to see what we face ahead this yewar, and made this :
SOUTHEAST DIVISION PREVIEW
ATLANTA HAWKS
These guys just keep coming back! Its like March of the Penguins and its question: "is this intellgent design?"
The Hawks once again lack skill players and veterans, but no other team has bigger heart, even when you subtract the biggest heart of all, that of Jason Collier. Oh jeez. Is there a "regret" button on my WebTV remote???
WHile the Hawks may have big hearts, they also have small ashy hands, and in the case of coach Mike Woodson, a small ashy brain.
Their best player is probanbly Joe Johnson. But I say to Joe Johnson:
"JoJo Dancer: your front court is calling!"
The 05/06 Hawks is a definitely youth movement:
Donta Smith, Josh Smith, Salim Stoudamire, Marvin Williams, Josh CHildress and former president of mexico, Esteban Batista.
All these young players means athletic play but also liberal cologne use and untimely erections at press conferences. Also these young players face the crushing anonymity that faces Hawks rookies and also modern man. On the plus side, at that age, if two guys are caught touching people will forgive it as just 'expermienting' and not being "gay"
I really like this guy Zaza Pechulia. His Latvian burlesque dance he does is hilarious and will make him popular with teammates.
Tony Delk is great too. Its a gamey meat to be sure, but delcious if you braise it in juices before cooking, and garnish with red potatoes and maybe an endive.
As for Royal Ivey, Wizznbutzz intern August Strindberg tells me that was one of the Victorian eras most fercious Venerial Diseases (ever wonder what happened to chimeny sweeps??) but that its pretty rare these days.
I see Tyronne Lue getting 50 points in a game at somepoint, but until this team gets an inside game and cleans the vomit out of the team bus, its gonna be another trip to the lotterry I fear.
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
OK fresh season around the corner.
Did you see Susan OMalley unveiled official slogan for 2005/06 Wizards???
"Nothing Gets Between Me and My Calvin."
We will be here soon with a official season preview but first, we need to clean house. We lost a lot of good men in the offseason and so well like to talk aboutn them now.
HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED Its to soon to talk about. Are there even words? What do you say when the doctor tells you you have Face Cancer?
LARRY HUGHES LBoogie jumped ship like a rat money bastard. And he took the money and ran to a place where he will forever be number 2 in hearts and in skillzzz. In CLeveland he will be getting steals, of course since he overplays balls more than Tom Googliotta in a buddy booth, BUT also he will be kissing cousins, in the shadow of TheBron james.
FreeDarko reports that In CLeveland they are calling Hughes, LeBron and Damon Jones: "2 and a half men" as a nickname, but they should be called "a Man and 2 Half Men" and 2 halfs dont make a whole, not when they fight for cheese under the dark eaves of another's greatness.
We once proudly called LBoogie COLD MOUNTAIN and THE COY MISTER for his icy steele and I Steal Freely wayzzz.
But since he broke our hearts to be a #2 Jester Now we consider new names for Larry Hughes:
Plus I also hear that Boogie is got a new tattoo, one of a LOBSTER ROLL, cuz it represents an "overpriced sidedish"
SO OK thats enough, enjoy yourself COLD CASE. Well forgive you when youre 40 and wizards sign you to 10 day contract which is wizznutzz only Hall of fame requirement.
If you got a name for Larry Deuce, let us now.
JUAN DIXON
Fanz loved Jaggers most of all, and his "shoot first, wash hands immediately after" wayzz. But we are happy for him, cuzz Portland is a perfect match for JDix, cause they need his basketball talkent and becuase he needs their hygeine:
But then Steve Blake signed with Portland and Portland Clean Rating now in Jeopardy!!!! Juan places self in self-imposed QUARANTINE, places antipseptic urinal discs over eyes and ears, and demands trade.
STEVE BLAKE
Steve Blake was purchased from Jahidi White in the offseason by Zach Randolph, who took ownership of Blakes SHower Rights for 7 cartons of Doral Light Kings, a length of copper tubing, and an economy size package of Kraft American cheese Singles.
Randolph says the whole team is looking forward to filling a void left when Steve Kerr retired.
Blake has recently criticised White in the media:
"I was dissapointed at first definitely. I mean I feel like I put it all out there everyday for the guys. When my contract came up Jahidi kept assuring me he would do whatever, but I guess that was just talk right? Its not like he doesnt have the smokes either. I mean did his desires change overnight or something? But Im psyched to be in Portland now, they obviously wanted me badly. 7 cartons shows that. 7 cartons shows you respect. 7 cartons is STEVE BLAKE money."
(Jahidi White does stiull have 5 years remaining on his SEAT LICENSE however)
and finally some...
LINKZZZZ:
Brent Price plays for Team Jeezus now!!! Brent I know Jesus suffered for our sins, but only for a couple days right? Its not like he had Plantair Fascitus or anything!
Wizznutzz LOOOVEE HARDWOOD.ORG site. Incites, japes, spelling. They must have like 30 interns or something!!! Check out the awesome Qyntel Woods Animal love column!!!
Finnish intern Jarkko Ruutu reports from the sauna at WizzNutzz HQ:
One day till Wizards season started!!! I so very excited!!! I feel such moisture coursing thru beard in my pants!!! I can't sleep last night despite Demerol cocktail Dana whipped up (Mad Dog 20/20 is good mixer!!!). So while staring at darkness of infinity, telling passionate Moomintroll to "not engage in hurt" as vivid visions of Gilbert shooting threes and Andray Blatche being shot dance thru my feathered hat, I took out fan pencils to sketch visual metaphor about NBA excitment I feel in my pants-beard: Click here for largerness!!
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