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Friday, October 28, 2005
 
Danas Back! yay SNaP!
Dana - is oversexed FURY an advertised side effect of Valtrex???

So true, Salieri was on 60 minutes last week.
He spent the first 47 minutes trying to establish an erect penis, and the other 13 catching softball questions from mister Ed Bradley, and pitching his new book: "The Old Man and The Shoe: Vol 4, the Desparate 16th Minute of Fame"

Some INCITES as I see em:

1. Yeah right, Ed and MJ, whats up with your little club of man jewelry?? the MANDNAGLES. All we needed was Ed's bedazzled buddy Han Solo, but he smart to keep his young whitemeat wife, CHicken McBeal away from MJ and his entitled touchy touchy. Dont u guyzz kjnow about SIerra Leone? !!??
Kanye West? !!
Ronnie Mervis? !!
Ronnie Mervis' brother Zed?!! Zed personally oversees the mine slaves.
Ask MJ bout 'Diamond Trade' and his first thought is the AA baseball whores he got preggers with the White Sox farm team.

2. Michael Jordan doesnt care about black people

3. What happended to 60 minutes? It got old is what, like Salieri, its playing days are behind it. They never get the scoops. The only thing they find in a Spider Hole is a confused Morely Safer. Its pensioner-tainment, the warm turkey burger of news world. Andy Rooney crosses street for his BREAKFAST, young staffers press faces to glass and pray, he moves through traffic like in a deadly slomo game of true life FROGGER.

4. What happens when competitors who spend lives beating oppononents get old and obsolete?
They sit at home and beat themselves is what
.
Also Michael Jordam hits his kids.

FACT. STraightr from the Mules mouth:
"Michael says he doesn't go easy against his sons.
"In due time, they will beat me," he says, "but right now I'm taking great pride in beating them." "

Also Michael Jordan sits in a void.

The only truth the show exposed was:
60 Minutes caught up with him recently in Las Vegas at the annual Michael Jordan Senior Flight School. It's a four-day training camp, where middle-aged guys who love the game pay $15,000 to get the full Michael Jordan experience: to play ball with him, to get fouled by him and to get abused by him.

"What does he say to you on the court?" Bradley asks one participant. "It’s like playing against my son. You're a midget," the participant replied. " 'Mouse in the house,' anything to try to humiliate you."

With competition like this — against guys who play mostly on the weekends — it's surprising that Jordan even broke a sweat, but he did, playing with intensity, pulling on shorts and talking trash.

He also teaches the group what he did so well in the NBA — bending the rules without getting caught by the referee.

Thats the saddest thing ive ever heard in my life. So that whats its come to?
I only had to pay $600 to go on that Bullets celebrity cruise in 98 and not only did no one abuse me, but i got to rub lotion on Coach Lynam.

But Shame on 60 Minutes for not asking any tough questions, such as these:

-God gave you athletic gifts. God gave you your mock turtlenecks. Did God also give you your sullen hate?

-Speaking of turtlenecks, You drafted KWame Brown with the Wizards #1 pick. Do you really think that it was approproiate to have him circumcised?

-Do you ever miss having a soul?

-Do you feel Kevin Bacon did a good job of capturing you in the movie "Sleepers" ?

-You say that you felt cheated by Abe Pollin. But why dont you shut your mouth?

-What did you do with Tyron Lues body?


AFter ZERO CHARISMA was done with 60 minutes, he went on OPRAH!



SALIeri and Oprah jhave alot in common. They have both turned themselves into multimillion dollar brands, and neither of them has had sex with their partners since 1993. MJ was there to sell his book but also to debut his new line of Air Jordan cloethes for ladies!!! His body is inaccurate, and no0w even the jordan brand is now a joke. No one wants your gay scuba boots anymore, the Space Jam franchise is dead cause the Tamsanian Devil got a tumor, and the guy who wrote your theme song got arrested for having sex witha child, and your steaks cause colon cancer and your nasty cologne is sitting in barrels in a New Mexico sand pit.

"Jordan by Michael" -- indded. Smells to me like "Urine by Deer "

MJ isnt the first Wash player to be on Oprah. Caron Butler cried like a baby a coiuple years ago.



He remembers:

"People were getting raped. You've got murders in there. … It was a bad environment."

SOundzz like Steve Blakes exit interview!!!!!

And Oprah selected one of the COnstable Hayes Mysteries for the Oprah Book CLub. I think it was "Constable Hayes and the Case of the Galway Sheep Rodeo".

Anyway, Charles Barkley came out in a blue terry towel sweat suit and everyone lauighed at him vfor being a dumb fat fool and felt better about themselves, and the ever-present grey moths cricled Michael Jordans grinning head, and then he read some entries from his Dream Journal, but all the dreams were the same:

In the dreams MJ is sitting at a giant empty oak table, eating beef, but then he looks down and his food has turned into Kwame Brown and as he eats Kwame Brown's body, Kwame smiles and says

"Is It In You?"
"Is It In You?"

over and over. Then MJ looks up and now hes waiting on a bus bench with Richard Mulligan from Empty Nest who says to him:

" I'm aware the days pass quicker than before, smell staler too. And once they fall behind they look like ruin. You have been here some time."

Then he hears a car coming and he is desperate to get away from Richard Mulligan, and he looks at the horizon for the car. They will pick me up and take me away! Everythign will be fine when the car comes. The car comes, but does not stop, and as it speeds by, CHico Debarge hangs his naked ass out the back window and Rod Strickland points at him laughing "HEY TINY!" then hits him with a cold potato skin.

Thats about it.

Oh and refree Ed Rush was in the audience and after the show he picked out some housewifes and gave them keys to Michaels hotel room. "The desperate love of sad Moms is so grateful" Jordan says to Oprah during the credits and they both laugh.

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Thursday, October 27, 2005
 

Hey everybody!!! It’s Dana Von Postgame Call-In Show Girl!!! The Wizznutzz Intern with the Internist (on speed dial!!!) Am I eternal or an eternalist? Neither, I'M INTERN DANA!!!!! That's me on the left. I got SO DAMN BLURRY FACED with Rod Strickland that night at the TGFridays in Bowie. LONG ISLAND ICE TEAS WILL FUCK YOU UP, BOY!!! SO will a punch to the face!!!

My firstest posting of the Wizznuttzzz new year and I say HEEEEYYY HOOOO HEEEEEEEY Hoooo, Hey, I’M A HOOOO!!! IT’S DANA ERRYBODY!!!!

7 days late and hundreds of dollars short ( just like my pimp told me last night!!!) but I got Later Breaking News!!!

Salieri Jordan, betrayer of Gay Messianic Manchildren everywhere, says in 60 Minutes interview with fellow feeble elderly black male Ed Bradley (matching earrings!!!) that the Wizzards “used” him and he would never returned to court in 2001 to terrorize small boys with stone hands if he had known that owner Abe Pollin gonna fire his Foul Airness once he wanted to return as team president in order to further run franchise into ground (why Honest Abelton kept on Big Wes for 20 years running into ground we’ll never know, but it might have something to do with compromising photos and a soiled adult diaper. JUST SAYIN’!!!).

In Washington Postie article, Mr. Dr. Michael Bruce Lee wrote:

Jordan fully expected to run the basketball team when his playing career ended, but Pollin informed him at a meeting on May 7, 2003, that Pollin was going in a different direction -- a move Jordan said caught him completely off guard. "If that was the case, I obviously wouldn't have gone back to play," Jordan said. "I felt like I played injured, I went through surgery and I did the things that a lot of these young kids did not do."

‘SCUSE ME??? Who you trying to fool, Old Man Salieri? I hear your knees and your logic creaking all the way inside this WizzNutzz office sauna where fellow Intern KEn's tortured screams for mercy from a vengeful god are coming thru loud and clear thru the ball-gag and drowning out everything, bitch! Because What makes you think that had you stayed on as President of Courtney Alexander Fan Club that Abelton Poillin wouldn’t have fired you anyway? Uh, LEONARD HAMILTON!!! Uh, GARBOT HEARD!!! Uh, HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED? (THINK PINK!!!) Rip Hamilton for a man who loves rubber moistening mascots and scaring up 8-day beach rentals???? FIRED!!!!

And what’s this with bragging that “I did the things that a lot of these young kids did not do”??? Because as far as we know all them young kids cheat on their wives with white chicks, too!!!! OR if you Rod Strickland and Chico Debarge, you cheat wit ME!!!

Good to be flippin’ the script in the 05-6, y’all!!!!

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Wednesday, October 26, 2005
 
We will have many incites for u-pcoming season soon but Sioux 23 is back with another wallpaper:

As requested:

Peter "Party John" Ramos as Bacchus,
the god of wine and intoxication.






As featured on deadspin!

Thanks to our awesome fanzz for all the great suggestions. Stay tuned for a terrfiying Mike Ruffin Squirrel Dreams wallpaper that will make Fearpouch look like dogs playing poker.

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Tuesday, October 25, 2005
 
A huge TALLY HO! to WizzNutzz reader Genesis of the Ever -- MR. TY LUE himself!!! -- for this AWESOME desktop wallpaper of Constable Jarvis Hayes!


Download it!! Moisturize it!! Clean it up!!!

We love how Genesis of the Ever combines 8-bit Nintendo graphics with Photoshop 2.0 filters and the skillz of a Microsoft Paint-er. Keep 'em coming, Genesis! WE LOVE YOU!!!

We will have more desktop wallpapers for you all very soon; please keep your suggestions coming!!! WizzNutzz inspirational artist Sioux23 is locked in the sauna -- aka Tha Wigga Wam -- with Ken and Jarkko and Ledell. They're feeding him cigarettes and grain alchohol, trying to inspire visions of the divine -- or at least make him forget about the time Jahidi lured him into the shower (the second time).

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It's always about The Manchild

Top of the fifth, game three of World Series:

Even though Phil Garner has a giant porn mustache, Dana swears she could read Ol' Scrap Iron's lips on the Circuit City big screen. He just said to Carl "Dinosaurs Never Existed" Everett:

"Fuck you, you fucking faggot!"

Somewhere in L.A., He Who Shall Not Be Named is weeping.


Former Tigers manager Phil Garner visits with former Wizard Jahidi White

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Monday, October 24, 2005
 
Wizznutzz presents the first of many to come

DESKTOP WALLPAPERZZ

to decorate you WebTV screens with!!

This wallpaper is titled:

"Moses receives instructions from the Poultry Lord"

DOWNOLOAD IT!





Get on the comments and tell us what wallpapers YOU would like to see!

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Wednesday, October 19, 2005
 


OKAY so last night equals biggest event of the young season right!

The anticpated reunion of Gilbert Arenas and He-WHo_Must_Not-Be-Named for first time since THE SLAP. The Summitt was huge effing newzz right?

Well you wouldnt know it from Ivan 'The Terrible' Carter's game report for Wash Post. No mention of the pre-game touching of fists, the gentle dap of peace. In fact he only mentions them at all in last few lines, hidden after a really important profile of ... 6th man Jared Jeffries?!!!
So Jareds 'versatile'???
Tell us more T Cart! N, we nominated Little Two to the Dwayne SChneider Utility Belt First Team last year!

I havnt seen such lead burying since cleaning up the morning after Qyntel Woods Presidents Day Dog Fight.

We'll give you a pass Carter since you are a new one in town and think 'Boom Goes The Wallaby' is a rice dessert at outback steakhouse. Maybe you just had an Ivan the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. But know this, this is KWAMES town. And if you want kwame you need us as your friends.
Maybe you can send us some Postal Meats, and we'll let you behind the curtain (dont mind Mr Unseld).


THREE WORLD-CLASS SLAP INCITES

OK we promised to break our silence on Kwame.
But Somethings are hard to find words for, like the look in Charles Oakleys eyes when hes on turpentine, only Chechnyans have a word that evenm comes close.
But NBA analist Tim legler taught us if anything, that sometimes man must simply fill the world with noise and just hope.
We were shocked like everyone when Kwame accused gilbert of betrayal .

Et Tu Van Winkle! !

But we waited to see the facts not like all the monday morning mule mouths who spat out their crisps they were in such a rush to be Jonny Judge. They screamed: "Grow Up!" "Bust!" "Sour Grapes!" "Touch My Costume Stack!"

Gilbert or Kwame --- who is bad???
We say both are victims. the blame goes elsewhere. Wizznutzz working on three theories as to what happened:


INCITE THEROY 1:
THE CYCLE OF ABUSE, or "PASSING THE BAD TOUCH BUCK"

Fanzz of our site know we have well documented the systematic abuse of Kwame Brown by Michael SALIERI Jordan. They say Jordan is the High Preist of the NBA but when Sally couldnt dance anymore, he turned his bitter, poisonous jeaousy, (or as Phil Chenier called it: "The corrupt Pedagogy of Desire") on Kwame. ALong with CArdinal Collins he punished Kwame for his gorgeous naked optimism, and created for whole team...

CULTURE OF ABUSE:

wintness..

-O-Town builts human 'faggot' pyramid, slippery with sweat and salty with Ty Lues tears

-In lockerroom there is brisk trade in Steve Blake Cloaca Futures

-Darvin Hams wife strikes him with wines

-Brevin Knight enrolled in Little Rascals Day Care

Whats does abuse climate do for one?

Well stage one is silence.
Like when Dudley left Mr Hortons bike shop, there are no words.
Shame is a broken mute, a much oiled wheel.
Kwame kept it all in but he found out what we know:

SILENCE = BACON

And he has begun to act out on others and himself. Because even in Los Angeles you cant run from shame. Ask Lorenzo Lamas what he hides under his leather trenchcoats. I can tell you its not his pride or a small mexican.

SO Kwame, he slaps Gilbert because of slaps he got : "PASS IT ON" , see?

And same for GILBERT ARENAs also.
We told you last year about Gilbert Arenas SENIOR , how he was a frustrated extra in Miami Vice when Gilbert was a child, and when roles no longer came, he was fast disturbed, turning the motel room they lived out of into an exact replica of Lietenant Castillo's office. He made young gilbert practice lines with him using Meisner technique, repeating words over and over while staring into his eyes:

SR: "You got the money?"
JR: "You got the drugs?"

for FOUR hours in a row (no blinking).

And waking young Gilbert up in the night yelling "Freeze, Vice" , No wonder Gilbert has probelms sleeping today and has hypervigilance issues. You would too if your Dad kept you awake loudly playing No Jacket Required and Rockwell's "Somebody's Watching Me" on auto-reverse.

And Miami Vice guest-star Ted Nugent would come around, and teach Gilberts Dad to go Bow Hunting to get protein for the BBQ, and onetime Gilbert Senior comes in with his sons dog "Sonny" --- he had shot it with a bow! He told his son: "I had to take Calderone down. We could never extradite him, it would be held up in the damn courts, he would have walked."

And Gilbert never even cried, but what happens.... years later he runs his two dogs, 'Tubbs' and 'Tubbs' on a treadmill.!! See how it works?

So this is a story about two victims, a Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants where pants = pain.

Lets Move on to # 2

INCITE #2: AGNES OF SHAMGODD

In some old eurpoean Jewish cultures, when a girl has her first period, her mother will slap her. Its not to hurt her but to give her a blessing for health and fertility, and a warning to guard her "gates" against premarital entry.

SO maybe Kwame wanted to congratulate Gilbert on becoming a man and warn him to mind his gates?

This theory is not as good as the first one.

INCITE #3: DAN FEGAN HATES THE JEWS

We are pretty sure Dan Fegan is too blame for everything.

Dan Fegan is Gilbert Arenas agent.
And when kwame decided not to sign with him, Dan Fegan told Gilbert not to give Kwame the ball.
FACT.
That started it all. But Kwame was smart not to sign. He saw Fegan for what he was, an evil viilian, a PIED PIPER figure who traded on youth. Like MJ had his mules, Fegan had Fegin's boys, a band of pickpockets and B-list small forwards that he would abuse and put to work in the streets. Gilbert was his best boy, the artful dodger. But Kwame could see that Fegan was a pimp and a pied piper.
And Kwame wanted to finally break the cycle but breaking the cycle isnt easy.
Look at Steve Blake? He tried hard, when he started his nonprofit educational camp for rookies called "Soap Starzz" to teach them how to be careful in the showers, and not to have to suffer like he did, and he even made a Soap Stazz video with narration by actor Craig T Nelson, everyone was so happy for Steve, but now Steve Blake hangs around dark nightclubs and calls Criag Nelson "Coach"

Now,. people say the character of Fegin is "anti-semitic".
Excuse me!!!
no one put a gun to Dan Fegan's head and told him to trade young slaves and smear the jewish name!
DAN FEGAN is the anti-SEMITE.
He makes money selling boys and he hates jews.

He is the worst anti-semite known here since Phil Chenier, but it turned out Phil Chenier thought 'semites' were oysters so that doesnt count.

ONE SOLUTION

There is one way to break the cycle of abuse.

We propose that the goverm,ent put togther an independent INternational TRIBUNAL, and try Dan Fegan and Michael Jordan on charges of manchild endangerment. This tribunal has to use International rights laws, and have only the most respected and honest legal minds in its membership, which is:

1. The South Essex High Constablary, (under command of Constable Jarvis Hayes)
2. Judge Reinhold
3. ALderman George Unsled

We owe them this much.

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Sunday, October 16, 2005
 

Finnish intern Jarkko Ruutu reports from the sauna at WizzNutzz HQ:

It feel soooo good to be back with Wizards Nutzz!!! Almost as good as time last summer when naked Moomintroll crawl in my bed and ask me if I like watch gladiator movies. I say yes and tell Moomintroll my friends in Tampere call me The Spaniard. Moomintroll smiled with plush softness, holded up damaged paw to shush my mustache and telled me to touch his rubber duck -- slowly but evenly with firmness and intention. Such thrillingness!!!

As all know, Finnish people LOVE sauna and it feel SOOO GOOD too that WizzNutzz have new hotbox in Chevy Chase offices in order to re-punginate elderly game worns. For instances, the first month of season Bullets great Ledell Eackles is locked in sauna with vodka and smokes so he can sweat stench into 1997 intrasquad pre-season classic shorts. Why does Drakar Noir never smell so sweet? My friend intern Ken Beatrice is in charge of keeping coals moist and heat hot though often just we find him laying nude on burning rocks and crying through ball gag. Such selflessness!! The burned fleshings of Ken makes Ledell smoke and sweat extra hard. Hey Ledell, I think I see neck sweat!!! No, just mirage!!! Ha ha ha!! Just kid. So good be back!!!!

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Friday, October 14, 2005
 


Intern August Strindberg reports from the cold recesses of the Norra Begravningsplatsen (4 real, bitches!!!)

Greetings and condolences. I spent the hottened summer awash in fetid pig-vomit. Were I to call that a new experience, I would merely be engaging in wishful thinking. But autumn is thankfully upon us, and thus I re-don my damp, infested overcoat, gray and mustard-stained, entirely unlovely except for -- what's this? behind the lapel? -- it is a cobalt sorceror, toying with an engorged orange orb!

Yes, friends, a new season has arrived. The young savior, his salad days behind him, has packed up the French dressing and is now panning for purple gold. Moses (or Abraham) would not come to Cold Mountain, so Cold Mountain has come to Moses (or James). But not to worry! For incites abound, Calvin Booth rebounds, I observate, Jarvis regulates, Ruffin titrates, Caron Oprahtes, Etan poetates, Jared purses his lips pensively.

And if the Post of Washington is to be believed, we may just have a new Ruffin in our midst, except replacing chemical engineering with magical imagineering. I of course refer to Awvryee Storeyy, the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Here's to ye, young Aywrvee!

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Thursday, October 13, 2005
 
ANother awesome season is about to dawn up thankl god!!!!

First of all YES, it has been quiet here this summer but not a qwuiet summer.
but a summer of turbulence, mutiny. Turgid awakenings in the offseason's shorts.
I cant even bring myself yet to speak his name.!!!
It is the big pink elephant in the corner of the room that everyone is pretending isnt there, and this time that elephant isnt Jahidi White air drying his naked body, standing between Jeremy Schapp and thre exit, or Steve Buckhantz waking in the sun clutching at his mesh sirt, a 'DAGGER' at his lips. But dont worry fanzzz, We will have the INCITES of our lives to make on THAT soon ,

But now we embrace the new season!!! it opens like the skin of a late summer onion.

The signs are everywhere.

Wes Unseld being removed from the locker room, his offseason home. The new freshfaced MCI interns sent in to pull down his "mock draft boards": assembled from anxiety medicine precriptions scotch-taped to the showerstall, sweeping up the nail clippings and the grey teeth and gummy nachos and the torn out pages of "WHo Moved My Cheese" with the words "exterminate the brutes" scrawled in the margins.
And the interns sweep with broken hearts, to see their hero this way. Because Washington Basketball steals the innocents of the world like the old french whore with the twisted wig sleeping next to you this morning, a half-eaten cheese crepe upon her wheezing chest.
Two hot pockets, now horribly cold despite the new sun.

The players are arriving in their noisy SUVs. Michael Ruffin has a shiny new bus pass hanging in an ID holder around his neck! PJ Ramos looks like he is recovering well from his massive offseason stroke. Everyone admires Constable Hayes in his new tweeds. Coach Jordan so fresh from the barber, the ink hasnt even dried.

And the Wizznbutzz interns are slowly drifitng back to the headquarers at Circuit City Herndon. I got this email from Jaarko :

"Good to you my friends! I have spent summer in FInland where I had my same summer job as Herring Boy at Borga Segelsallskap Yeucht Clob. Let me say that I spend all my summers with the job since 13 years old!! For 13 years old boy, herring boy job is great for learn respoinsibility. For 21 years old herring boy job is great for extra pocket money (and of course meet the ladies!!!) For now 37 years man, Herring Boy is very lonely. No one talks, and turn away. Onion finds home in the beard and the smell. Well you clean hands over and over and never wash the smell away. No one shares their laughs any more, only thing shared is uncomfortable silence between important persons and their fishy manservant.
But I look forward to seeing you soon!!!
How were wizards in summer?!??
I think about it alot to help me to wake one more day.
I think this will be great year for Kwame Brown! Youll see! I see breakout year for him with Wizards. Also, I think Juan Dixon works on game and now starts! And young Andray Blatche? I bet that he had good summer, getting in shape and learning to be a man from Mister Ramos staying out of troubles. A nice boy!"

Come home Jaarko, just come home...

Also I hear from friendzz that fan-fave wizznutzz intern August Strindberg had a busy summer too. He was performing in the Vagina Monologues with the Reston community theatre troupe The Noble Blades. But he stormed off after one performance when Eve Ensler would not approve his script revision:

"My hole of despair is indeed flesh and blood, and my corporeal malediction is in a fury and aspires to speak"

Its not a Vagina DIALOGUE august!!! Anyways he sent a scroll saying he will regretfully return to us and could we provide him with a stipend and a Swedish woman of childbearing age.

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Wednesday, October 12, 2005
 
Check out last seasons INCITES here!

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