Monday, March 02, 2009
OBAMA IN THE HOUSE: INCITE SPECTACULAR!!!!
As the free world knows by now, POTUS Barack Obama showed up in flesh to see the Wizards thump the Bulls on friday night! Word leaked out Thursday and by game time the whole city was buzzing. It was the worst kept secret since Pervis Ellison knocked up Tina Yothers, (or since Tracy Murray got his false teeth!!!) Now you have probably read on every sports blog "too bad Obama couldnt suit up for the Wiz!" kinds of jokes but we have fresh tru insider details you will only find here!!!
The excitement started Thursday when The chicago bulls visited the white house. It was the first time the bulls had visited with a president since the Jordan days, if you dont count the time Bill Clinton invited the Chicago Dance Team to camp david in 1999. Hahaha Bill Clinton loves ladies thats HILARIOUS!!!
Some people say it was disrespecting for Obama to have the Bulls in his house but not the home team, but political insiders say it would just have been too damaging to the administration after all the cabinet business for the President to be seen entertaining Mike James who has that lien on his home for nonpayment of employment taxes for his tv nanny !!!!!
But Obama made it up to the home team by Tivo'ing the PBS Chris Botti show and hopping on the red line and representing at the game in person. How cool was that! He sat right on the court! He looked so right-on: no one does Smart-Casual like Barack Obama! hes not Casual-Smart like GBush with his unclasped low fashin beige Members Only jackets, no Barry was rocking the Club Monaco and drinking micro-suds like a tru urban joe. ANd The Wiz put on a real show for their Prez. 8 players in double figures! Coach Tapscott checked all the boys into the game. And after lots of the hi-lite plays did you see Javale and Co. saluting the Chief as they ran back down the court??? It reminded me like when the kids put on a talent show for the grownups at christmas!
We were hoping to be honest that Barry would go all Robin Fickers and start screaming and throwing snacks and cussing out the Bulls bench to all hell, but no, he was all class, chatting with the fans politely while the Secret Service kept a desperately eager groupie called Michael Wilbon at bay. Wilbon got the word about Obama on his iPhone from ballerallert.com and was trying all night to get one on one with the nations big star like the tru Industry Girl he is. We actually feel a little bad for Mike. This must have been one of the most exciting days of his life: america elects a brilliant black president, and he comes to watch an NBA game right here in town, and he is a die-hard Bulls fan!!!! But also a sad day, because it was a day Michael Wilbon knew he had officially handed over the keys to the DC Office of FRONTRUNNER IN CHIEF!!!!
What was amazing was Barry was just chilling there by his ownsome. Unless that 5yr old white kid had an Uzi under his Butler jersey there was no security in sight! Isnt it dangerous for the president to be in front of 20000 people with no protection? Well first off all, the secret service isnt stupid, they know verizon center is no place for shooters haha!But second of all they had lots of hidden security measures in place that were invisible to the average person. Thats why they call them "secret" right? Like any hot dog the Presdient ordered was first tested for poisons by an elite presidential taster. And, wizards mascot G-Wiz? Nope. Not on friday, that wasnt G-Wiz that was actually MASCOT ONE, a fully weaponized, flame retardant mobile communications and command center built by defense contractor Raytheon for 3 billion dollars. Mascot One has everything the president needs to survive and run the country in the event of disaster. Its is self composting and has enough food and water for the president to survive inside for 2 years. So if the whole world was destroyed in a nuclear holocaust, President Obama will wander out his days in the bleak apocalyptic wasteland executing his authority and freedom and plush japes in total safety. USA! USA! USA!
During Halftime, the President ducked into the home lockeroom to meet with the players and offer a few words of inspiration. The guys were all nervous and shy until Nick Young blurted out "You look even more black in person mr president!!" and everyone laughed and started to relax. Obama signed a few balls and then the team presented him with a limited edition Ed Hardy Club Jacket and a $100 Best Buy gift card. Then Obama and Agent Zero talked alone for a few minutes. Maybe Obama was offering some support to Gil or maybe Gil was pressing Obama to open an Un-American Activities file on Mike Krzyzewski or break ground on the Metro for dogs. Whatever it was, it all ended in good laughs when Gil pulled one of his signature "pranks" and soaked the president with a hose!!
Then President Obama left the lockeroom and headed upstairs to the owners boxwhere he spent some with Abe Pollin. Somebody who was in room said that Abe expressed how "gosh darn proud" he is of Obama's historic victory and then a big cake was wheeled into the room. The cake was very big and very old and it said "Welcome President Carter" but the "Carter" part was crossed out and "Obama" was written next to it and the cake was shaped like a big map of Israel and on the Sinai Peninsula part was frosted the words "EAT ME"and then Oleksiy Pecherov jumped out the cake and sang a very disturbing tribute.
AT this point the President realized maybe it was a good time to go home. SO he headed back to the court to say farewells. On the way he gave a 5 minute private audience to announcer Phil Chenier and patiently listened as Phil urged the president to increase federal spending on a cause very close to his heart: Public Pay Toilets.
The crowd then gave a standing ovation to Obama as he headed out, but the biggest cheers came a few minutes later when the Wizards scored 100 points and, under a lesser-known provision of the stimulus bill, every fan in attendance got a 1 billion dollar taco bell coupon!!!! (Must be redeemed by Dec 2009!!!)
SPECIAL MATCH GAME!!! Match Each Person With Their Official Secret Service Code Name!