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Tuesday, January 20, 2009
espn peanut butter tim legler

September 20th, 2009:

Change You Cant Believe In!!!

Hey wizznutzz, I come to your website today, just like everyday I have since the PG county removed my ankle bracelet, and something is definitely different today!

Ill say, it looks to me alot like wizznutzz just became part of ESPNs new True Hoop blogger network!!!

OMG! Thats right folks, we have finally jumped the dead wallaby and sold out!!!!!

wallaby wallace

Wizznutzz and ESPN: like peanut butter and chocolate, or bacon and capris sun, or Tyrone Nesby and former Lithuanian Eurovision Sonwriting Contest winner "Tele Bim Bam": 2 great tastes that taste great together!!!

We are all very excited about this!!!!.
Especially our intern August Strindberg. Hes been trying to sell out for years! Hes knocked on every hollywood agents door pitching his Porky's Prequel: "And I may promise you men a theatre of brutal gynophobia that shall make the indigenous "Porkys" photoplay look like a shoddy pastiche of gorgon coeds and tepid summer japes"

It was an easy decision really.

ESPN asked us: "We have decided that your incites r the future of our network, so what will it take to get them from you" and we said "we want Ike Austin money!" and ESPN said " we cant give you Ike Austin money. But we can give you an autographed Ike Austin Fathead. The adhesive is failing so his head peels down to look like hes talking to his own knees. Also the autograph says 'You suck Austin!' We can also give you a pair of Rick Bucher's gameworn courderoys."


We are very excited to be partners with such a great organization(tm).
But we are not so arrogant of ourselves to think we are truly "partners" with espn. We are not even close to be on their equal level!!!! Not even. We just want to bring a little bit of flair to the great brand and position ourslves in a helpful way. Think of it like this: if ESPN is Larry Blackmon from Cameo, we hope to be like Larry Blackmons shiny red codpiece!

Either we will be the Larry Blackmons codpiece or perhaps we will be the Trojan Horse that espn invites in which once inside brings down the world wide leader. But no one wants that to happen. Only time will say!

We are not the only ones uncomfortable to call ourselves "partners" with espn. an ESPN employee made it very very clear to us that "in no manner may you call yourself a "partner" of ESPN or employee of espn nor does your website reflect the views of espn or disney in any manner nor may you ever claim to represent us in any manner now or in the future we are watching you freaks"

But then they said the exact same thing to our old friend BRAM WEINSTEIN when they hired him and if its good enough for BRAM its good enough for us!!!!!!!

But if I had one wish it would be that ESPN had explained this before we moved all the way to Bristol!!!!

Bristol is very much different than our old home in Wheaton Maryland. First thing u notice: lots of white folks here. Lots! Yesterday I think some guy yelled an anti-pakistani insult out of his car window at Strindberg! And lots of different types of white people. Not just the old confused ones the families leave at Wheaton Plaza mall on the weekends!!!

But suddenyl here we were in Bristol with no place to call home, since we showed up at Henry Abbots mansion but Henry told us his wife has a very strict "no bloggers in house" policy.

SO we have moved in with our old friend Bram while we look for a new place!

It just seems like last week that Bram gave us our first big break in showbiz when he invited us onto WTEM radio to read haikus and now here we are, sleeping head to toe!!!

On the bus going to work Bram told how he likes his job but that he has had some trouble making new friends. When we got to the espn campus we would see what he meant because in the cafeteria he sat by himself, even the fantasy football table wouldnt let him sit down. The leader of the fantasy guys, i think he was the leader because he was the only guy with a moustache, told him: "sorry maybe tomorrow Bram". Then when we were eating our hamsteaks and gatorade someone started throwing pieces of orange peel at Bram and laughing! They kept doing it for about one minute and we said "bram why dont u tell those guys to stop it" and Bram just stared at his plate and said "guys just forget it". We looked over to see the guys and its was Merril Hoge and Skip Bayless! eating oranges! throwing peel at Bram! laughing! Then Linda Cohn came over and said to Bayless and Hoge "cut it out you guys, you know u guys can be such jerks" and then Merril said "oooh bram is your girlfriend gonna fight for you??!!!" and then Skip said "catch you later SWINESTEEN hah ha" and then they left.

Linda Cohn said sorry to us and that those guys are jerks and dont know what they are talking about. Linda Cohn was soooo nice to us. She invited us to her book club!!! They just finished reading a book called "Horses!" and next week they r reading "Manute: Center of Two Worlds"!!!!!

Linda gave us a tour and pointed out how espn is divided up into lots of groups and cliques that hang out together.

She pointed out some girls standing outside: "those are the sideline reporters. they never take off their coats"
She pointed out the Telestraters playing hackey sack
She pointed out Norman Chads craps game.
She pointed out Dana Jacobson: "Dana hangs with a bad crowd: those writers from Playmakers and a guy who says he used to be Mike Irvins 'personal assistant'. They always hang out behind the building and smoke cigarettes. Sometimes they sneak onto Tony Kornheisers bus and steal his Johnny Walker and Xanax and wear his cape. You should stay away from them."
She pointed out Colin Cowherd who was wearing tight Bike shorts and wearing a whistle: "he coaches our softball team and he takes it real serious. hes got great legs though!!"

Linda also told us some insider sercets of ESPN, like how John Clayton is actually made from a computer, and how Bill Simmons has a manservant who was in the vietnam war, on the vietnam side! and how Tim Hasselback listens to NPR and how Mel Kiper has a Mariah Carey calender.

But enough about our famous new lives!!!!

You want to know: so what does this espn + wizznutzz mean 4 the website?????
U mean besides driving Phil Mushnick to an early grave? LIke thats not enough?

Well first off it means MORE INCITES!!!
Thats right, espn said to us:

"we just ask two things wizznutzz: more incites, and more nude photos of Maury Chaykin"

So there will be lots of incites!
So many incites! So so so many incites. Too many maybe! we promise they will be colorful and eventually really watered down like the "TyronnTinis" they used to serve at the Velocity Grill. Like in August, we might do posts all month only about Javaris Crittendons summer league PER Projections!! The Future is Turgid!

And if thats not enough incites, use the true hoop drop down menu up top to find more incites from other guys Henry Abbot wont let into his house!!

Plus we will have new interns coming soon!!!

Plus you can buy tickets from Stub Hub! Its the only safe way to buy game tickets from strangers. Stub Hub makes sure you dont fall for old scams like we did such as buying tickets to games that already happened a few years ago. (i thought Wiz/Cavs 06 playoffs for $15 was too good 2 be tru!)

And see that espn video player on the right???

Its special technology. Its our very favorite thing about this whole ESPN thing. It only shows Bullets highlights and after midnight it streams live webisodes of The Tim Legler internet reality show sensation "LonelyBoy15" !!!!!!!!!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Also the second biggest news: the new president thing happened today! thats awesome! go america! celebrate this historic day in history by giving us money and we give you OUR AWESOME OBAMA THROWBACK SHIRT THAT NOW COMES IN TODDLER SIZES! AGES 2-4! OR ages 1 - 4 if your one year old is obese!

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posted by wizznutzz